Tue Apr 25.17 nm
Up a bit early - 6:30 - smoothie/shower - doc appt 8:30 to see about note
to not fly to LA & back on one day. It's a formality. And it will
take the heat off. Also ask about viagra and maybe dermatologist.
1st day back at work kind of rough, emotionally disconnected from it all -
but got better as day went on - moderate day.
I think I learned a few things on this trip - you can't go home. Even tho
family is glad to see you, they also have their own lives I am not
at all a part of, and short visit are best. A visitor like me can be
exhausting - no matter who - but I do have big personality/like a
lot of attention, blood sugar/hunger can make me irritable
emotional. So - this idea - of retiring, and going 'home' to WV and
finding a welcoming home base and intact family unit there is not
happening. No. Sis's have their own troubles, exhausting jobs, Mom
also has her own life; there is no gaping hole waiting for me to
fill in. So that's out. Anyway, truly, the poverty there is
depressing, for those living there.
Reconnecting to 1203 demystified it - no longer a dream - just a box of
rooms - memories mine - all rooms in all homes are the same.
Big shift in mental landscape from stress of staying w/Beth, visiting
Charleston, Katherine Bodkins - new people - I can do it - it is a
huge blessing to me that I could do that, pursued it, contacted
owner (through Katherine), spent undisguised, honest quality time
with him before going in - and fun conversations as we walked
through, delicate bringing up photos/vids, and deeply sincere
appreciation for his time and understanding.
Just - not patting myself on back exactly - but - grateful I've reached
that point, of experience, maturity, sympathy - love of Xoxo - thank
you Karen - loving and losing Gil. Takes one down to oneself and
maybe closer to understanding what's important. Eric, on his last
birthday, saying one grows old, body fails and aches, sex drive
fades, what do we live for? Without thinking I said "Friends." What
else you got? But friends is good.
Also, went home, got a lot of attention - workmates knew I was going for
months and I was insistent about it after cancelling last Nov visit
because Taf quit - so there was a bit of defiant drama attached -
"I'm going no matter what you say! Damn it." And attention from
family, and drama of visiting 1203, shooting and sharing pics/videos
with Mom/Anne in person, Joan Mary Tom in fb group. Photos & history
(Mass 6 days/week as youth) and plane landscape views attention on
facebook. Vacation loose mind comfortable selfie shares w/Frida art
friends, PA Bobby/Shelley B on fb.
Now - over - back to work, regular schedule, two huge digestive moments
Mon and this morning - woof! Post-vacation log. Slept well.
Phone has become part of my life, talking to it to get weather
report/set alarm becoming 2nd-nature. Slowly pulling back. In WV sex
shares are also a way to deal with stress, but also, they felt like
sincere shares of photos, to people who know and respect me from my
pics, and with whom I've shared erotic art - so, it makes a sort of
sense, that I can sincerely say 'As an artist/photographer, I have
shot nudes of myself over the years - 'I have ~6 intimate nude
selfies from ~1980 if you are interested.' Good phrasing. Came out
organically. Did not say I will share if you want - just I have them
if you are interested. Subtle diff - not sure I'm seeing that I
think I am - but I feel it helped the way it was phrased; it was not
me saying I want you to see these, but.. I have them if you are
interested. All that is required is interest, not curiosity, not
desire or interest in sexual exchange.
And phase 2: Do not ask them for selfies; do not send more just
because I can - wait for feeling, sincere desire to share this side
of myself, not only my body - but my view, my curiosity, about my
body - wait until it is there again, and if not don't. And generally
back off - after an intense share, good to sit back and wait - to
signal there is no momentum, no steps, form this to this to this.
Might be a one time thing. They say anytime - but wait till the time
is right for me. Yes.
Skype Sooz tonight. Pay WV parking tickets.
Mom & I don't have to like each other. But I call once a week. And she
mothers me when I visit.
Shirley called when I was in town Fri - additional tension
when I was hungry - but we did have a good talk, I wanted and was
patient - told about my job - she does not know computers at all.
Anyway, good to have that ice broken.
A lot of broken ice on this trip: 1203, Bodkin house, Mom, Shirley.
And I learned to be a better visitor - next trip shorter, and or, 2 nights
w/Beth, and rest in hotel. And also the limits of family. When you
have to go there, they have to take you in. Otherwise, keep it
short, shortest good-byes are best. Maybe argument with Mom about my
low-blood-sugar was saddest to me, because limit of even
Parent-Child relationship was so clear.
Yes. Learn. Truth is best.
Life is good. What did I expect? Almost heaven West Virginia? Get real.
Mon Apr 24.17 nm
Maybe 5 days in WV is too much - esp when it laps into two weekends - they
are tired from work and need free weekends - it means alot to me,
and them, too, but 3 days prob more than enough -
Fri I'd told Beth/Mom I'll be back Fri - meaning, in my
mind, Thursday night - prob should have done that, B was
surprised - dang - they're glad to see me, but not that glad,
to give up weekends & days in a row - put myself in their shoes,
it's a lot of energy to give out -
Anyway - Beth tired so I took care of myself all day Fri, went to Mom's
hungry, watched some Larchwood videos/pics, took snaps from photo
album - esp 1 of Elsie Bodkin for 1201 - planned to get lunch, Mom
tried to feed me, needed help w/a screw, needed to go to bank - so I
said 1st bank, then I'll drop you off and go get lunch - starving -
but had a plan - do bank ($700 to help with trip - thank you!), as
we're leaving bank parking for Mom's she says head left into town
for food - I back up and say "What is going on??!!" Not good to
change plans without letting me know what's going on - so bad
combination - my low blood sugar/emotional state after Chas, general
being away form home, feeling unwelcome in Beth's - against Mom's
habit of changing plans/not letting people know what's going on.
Passive. Quiet. Withdrawn.
Hit me wrong - took her home - went downtown, walked up & down Main St.
till fancy place open @4, nice food/snacks/water - ask wait lady for
ideas for PRT parking, then PRT across campus - fun! Back downtown
walk around campus mainly around 3 bldgs where dad did his
journalism degree - thankfully Student lounge open for digestive
activity! Felt better after that.
IM'd/called Beth's, no response, back to Beth's ~8pm, sit with Luna cat,
then to bed.
Sat A bit of late breakfast w/Beth - she says she's too sick to do
lunch, says Mom called, didn't sleep, not up for lunch, and Anne
said same. Cool. I'm used to it. I'm used to regimented days/hours
schedule for meals etc - this is family - it's different. On one
hand, it is irritating, and out family seems particularly bad at it
- sticking to plan - on other, I am visiting their town and
interrupting their lives, I am getting the most out of it, they are
housing and feeding me - so I do the best I can. But it's tough for
any family. Yes.
So I pack, seriously contemplating heading to airport early - Anne calls
to see if I want to do lunch at Italian place - original plan - sigh
- sure, I want to do what we planned all week. Bath stays home, we
have nice lunch, Anne goes to shop - Mom tried to tell me she sees
signs of low blood sugar, similar to Anne's, I need to watch diet,
always have food with me - so soon after Bank plan change I take it
as criticism, say I know I have low blood sugar issues, have told
her repeatedly over years, and that it would have been okay but for
her last-minute change without consulting me. The food she offered
me would have helped Dad, but I needed a real meal.
It got heated, she interrupting me, trying to cut off conversation, we
repeating ourselves - then Anne arrived - we watched videos, Mom
went to make me sandwiches, avoidance, she said watch videos while I
make sandwiches - No Mom. Stop. Mom. Mom Stop. Mom, please stop.
Mom, Stop. Geez. Family.
But we got them watched, had a real cool conversation, videos brought up
lots of memories. And it was time to go. Anne and I had a good
chance to talk about her job, WV drug epidemic etc. Mom had good
info about years at Larchwood.
So it was good. And we don't need to revisit the food thing. But learn:
future visits, shorter, keep food handy - make note that I will not
be in control of my food schedule, they have their own lives and I
am a visitor and need to respect them and be a good guest.
Lv for airport ~5? Easy drive, thank god for GPS! They had a room left,
barely - $100 - good ground floor room, cold outside! Across street
to nice hotel lounge again, Brandy Alexander & steak - I asked for
regular steak/grilled potatoes/veggies but it looked/tasted like
fillet mignon. Pack, bed ~10, wake up call & phone alarm set for
4:30 - sleep on and off, shower, squeeze books laptop into suitcase
- lv ~5am, sort of easy drive with lots of changes and roadwork -
without GPS would have been very stressful! Many lane changes
for what looks like a simple drive.
Leave car, no attendant, lv paperwork with note on car rental counter.
Check bag for $25. Alternate check in line. Decent window seat with
slightly set-back window, but could see ground through well enough &
Eat Mom's pbj sandwich and kissed napkin. Thank you Mom - she was trying
to Mother me, I was trying to be a good son - she doesn't always
tell people what's going on. we have all been irritated by it. I get
really cranky when hungry/low blood sugar. We all have our faults.
But we love each other. My bag came out early, bus to Long-term,
good ground floor spot, had to readjust to my car after 10 days in
similar white rental - not in great mental shape, tried to be
careful. Yard looks great - Buff welcomes back, I show him WV glass
plate - crash for 2hrs. BB ~6:30 for groceries, berries/eggs salad,
pudding - they close at 7! Got out - home, smoothie - no meal tho -
So for all my sugar awareness talk, I had breakfast, light sushi lunch -
no dinner, big pudding - getting high again was nice - woke up with
mild sugar headache. I have no control over my sugar intake. And it
makes me unhappy, hard to deal with, out of control emotionally at
Robert. Do something. Get a grip. get help. I can't do it alone.
Doc appt tomorrow morning for not to not do 1-day LA trips. Viagra? He
might ask for physical before - and I might go for it.
Yard needs work. Pulled out more selfies for Frida-friends etc - but wait
till time is right and I'm feeling it, don't do it just because I
can. Make it last, make it meaningful.
K - 8:40 - back to work.
Thu Apr 20.17 Chas wifi 4:17PM II
After hotel, drive downtown to wifi cafe - ~noon?? south hills, Sunrise
museum now an Attny's bldg - talk to front desk lady, then to atty -
drought, SF, Yosemite, mudslides - fine to oark and also take pic of
cool old stone fireplace - walk ~1/2 way down carriage trail - kept
up now - beautiful - a bit muggy - IM w/L - eat - stop for water >
no where to park for Rock Cliff - park 1/2 way out Larchwood across
from Raines - shoot video of 1203 - passing down Stone Rd Katherine
sees me from back window - calls me in - we chat, I say I'll come by
later - at intersection see thunderstorm coming
Make it back to car with minutes to spare - Paula Rains coming down
stairs, friendly dog, I just have time to say all us 6 kids are
alive and well when storm hits - wind, thunder lighting - sit in car
~20mins? Follow up with Tess about fam attitude towards our shares.
After storm, on way out Larchwood, Katherine there, invites me in - Bill
he dad in bed, Annie on phone, cooking - we sit and talk for
~45mins> Real nice - catching up - on everything - Dad, Mom, us kids
- Bill real nice - Anne says I didn't talk gaga baby talk, but
started young talking in sentences. Remembers Mom, Shirley, Grandma
Halloran. Real nice visit, esp on top of visit to 1203 yesterday.
~3 back downtown for coffee, sandwich - lv town ~5 so home with daylight
~8- emailed Beth/Anne - see about early 60s photo albums for Bodkins
pics. Set up hotel for Sat pm. Lv mTown ~6 for 1.5hr daylight drive.
All well - a bit off balance - not deep in nostalgia like last time, nor
intense L emails/IMs, tho that feels v/comfortable right now - it's
okay to leave - and the connection to 1203 & Bodkins is sweetness
Got good photos - uploaded a few to fb - Sunrise fireplace, monument where
spires were shot, lady astronaut - cool casual visit.
I think all 3 Frida lady artists I shred 80s selfies with have since liked
fb posts/pics on private photo page - I knew it, but nice to have
extra confirmation of comfort. Very cool.
Slept well last night - okay. 4:30. Chill, lv town @5pm. Posted notes on
today's Bodkins visit and video of 1203 to fam group.
Thus Apr 20.17 10:13am Chas wifi
Man - doesn't matter prob, but got last days all mixed up
Mon pm in mTown, in bed, got call from 1203 owner that he'd be
happy to let me visit - I can tell, I think, from his voice that
he's a friendly laid-back guy.
Tues drive down, intimate IM's w/L, visit neighborhood, south hills
pool, SoChas, Japanese dinner, ceramic vase, SoCHas Indian mound,
make plan to visit 1203 ~3pm Wed, share 80s selfies with
several Frida-related artists/Shelley B - sleep very well -
Wed chill at wifi cafe, share 80s selfies with LaBobby/discuss her
gf situation, cash, quarters, phone case from downtown Mall - IM
from Pat 1203 ~2:30, head up early, nice visit, good guy,
pics/videos - visit Kanawha State Forest after - 20min drive - love
GPS - , to decompress with nature - beautiful!! - pool, streams,
equestrian barn, snake in river, clustered butterflies - light rain
- back to cafe to upload pics/videos till close at 8 - hotel -
- beautiful outside, balmy, warm, restless - but decided to stay in and
not wallow in the nostalgia this time - been there, done that -
Ordered tickets for good Rancho Nicasio BBQs, paid up cc balance - taking
care of business -
This morning - woke ~7:30? Internet, shower, wash hair,
flossing, decent digestive action, yogurt fruit eggs, wank w/Lvid
yay, pack went well, made two pbjs, multi-idiot checks, could see
church from my hotel window - worked myself into mini stature of
anger about church and thought if it's making me angry then let go,
muggy but comfortable - now? Drive around.. Rock Cliff for sure...
It's fun to walk around, I have illusion of owning it somehow, but I
don't; falseness of the illusion can make me unbalanced - it's
people, not place - I see that in 1203 pics - it was us living
there, family defining place, not place defining us - I have my
memories but no claim to space - if there's value in memories, cool,
even nostalgic enjoyment - but there's a price to pay in pain of
knowing it's all gone, except for what's in my head.
Embrace memories if I want, if it's positive - but don't cling and think I
own, or mistake them for anything else, or get too blue by wanting
more than is there. Falseness is what's sad. Get a grip. Be real. Be
here now. No re-dos - but maybe value in learning. Learn. Admit that
I have always much to learn.
Wow. Okay. Now what? Chill Fri in mtown, laundry and PRT train?
Saturday maybe a meal with Mom, Beth & Anne and watch 1203 videos.
Get hotel near airport and leave Sat pm? Yes. Probably.
Wed Apr 19.17 Chas hotel pm
Really, I haven't blogged since Mon - gah - - too much -
Tues pm Shared 1980 selfies with art friends made through Frida
pics - that was fun, they liked them, said nice things, which I
didn't expect, so much natural positivism - also w/Bobby who
commented on size, in a fun comfortable way - also sent 80s selfies
to Shelley B who then offered to send pics of old pics w/a lover,
did not describe - sex, nude beach, art? -, while I slept she tried
but failed - who knows some day maybe? Would like to see them. So
geez - I was a little wild, 3 Frida friends, Booby & Shelley B. But
they seemed happy & enjoyed - I am not an ass about it. Nice
conversations about them with all to some degree, observations,
funny, not gross creepy. Cool. I dig it.
Left for Chas ~10:30? Tues - a few rest stops, no coffee agh!
Had lots of L thoughts about touching her and dropped that bomb on
her, but good we had a chance to start dialogue - seems we are on
same page -
First day in Chas visited Larchwood, stone Rd, Jewish cemetery and ball
park, south hills pool etc - but mainly drove by, didn't stop and
walk around - maybe I have got that out of my system last trip 1.5
yrs ago. Good. Arrange with 1203 owner Pat for a visit ~3pm Wed.
Hang at book store/coffee/wifi place downtown - chill - South Chas -
hilltop place I used to sit and realized how little those people
meant/mean to me - how much family does in comparison - downtown
SoChas for Salmon Teriyaki, 2 large sakes - a bit intoxicated! -
strong emotions - walked it off, up & down main street, into ceramic
shop bought vase not for sale, owner called her she said sure - $25,
I like it! Then to top of SoChas mound - some intense stuff up there
- end of youth, arrogance (then and now?), remembering who I was at
18, so lost, bad family, LRY - what if I had stayed in Pgh with
something like a network, and jobs - instead of halfway through
senior year down to new HS in WV poor state with no jobs? Will never
know. So fuck it. But worth noting, it had a big part on what came
next - Ted White > Berkeley ... anyway, on way home stopped at
SoChas Krogers for nut butter/bread/jam/fruit/yogurt etc -
Quiet a full day actually - when you add 80s selfie photo shares at end of
day - I was in a good space for it - just wanted to do it, so I did,
and was present.
This morning, slow get up, eggs/yogurt cup with fruit, 2 eggs, good cum
w/L video - walk by Sacred Heart schools and into church - changes,
took pics and videos - cool - stained glass - memories - posted pic
of altar said: Catholic mass 6x/wk for 1st 12yrs of my life -
there's a tidbit.
Then wifi cafe for hours, soup, coffee - ~2:30 Pat texted - OMG texting
and GPS, how did I do without? Not well. I did well, rested,
focused, well fed to be present for Pat - we hit it off - nice guy!
Showed me the house, lots of easy chat between us p I think he
enjoyed hearing about old days house, Bodkins, also seeing how much
a favor he was doing for me and my family - as I did seeing it - and
being focused on being present, listening to him talk about the
changes he made - kept me from too deep wallowing in nostalgia - in
a way I think was was good! kept one foot in the present - yes!
Upstairs after seeing everything, I broached photo/video subject - he said
whatever I wanted! Cool - only shot about 10 pics and 3 long videos
-didn't want to keep him waiting so moved fast as possible - no
Said our goodbyes - god what a lovely day - only 4pm plenty of light left,
down Hickory up that super steep road which does take you past
Jewish cemetery/ball park - out to pool again, around those roads -
then on way back to Kanawha State Forest - no idea how far but again
GPS saved my ass - 20min drive(?) - easy -
- Beautiful day!! Sunny warm - park was fantastic, stopped several places,
barn, pool, paths, streams to take pics, videos - gold and/or black
butterflies clustered on ground fucking? No direct memories, and I
felt like they are all the same stream, rocks, forests, trails - if
you're fortunate enough to have access to them - some LRY type camp
memories - stopped to eat pbj - on way back drove down Stone rd, no
place to park - weather so lovely & intoxicating and nostalgia so
deep I wanted to stay and wallow, but walked away - nostalgia is
somehow exhausting - I want to be here now., and can visit Rock
Cliff tomorrow - also Bodkins.
- back to downtown wifi shop - trouble getting online at first?!?! I
thought - God is testing me - I had been trying to let it go, not
desire anything, not desire to get 1203 videos to family - and felt
better - couple reboots and it fixed itself, uploaded, Mary & Tom
enjoyed - text from Bath about laundry -
Food & drink at wifi shop, closed at 8 - still tempted to go out, but
stayed in - wanting to avoids trying to get something I don't need,
that is in me not out there, and avoid double sipping like yet
another visit to state Capital -
Tomorrow, maybe Bodkins, Rock Cliff, road up to old Governor's mansion.
Okay - it was something like that - glow on this town for me is really
something and enjoyable - so - stay grounded but enjoy it - getting
away from South Hills today so I could decompress after 1203 event
was right move.
Slept super well Tues night and having good digestive luck - and
actually thing I'm losing weight! For one, I am drinking less water,
and two eating less in general and almost no snacks - Work peanuts,
chips etc - keep that in mind!
Cool - this is amazing. I am grateful. Feeling good mentally. far out.
Mon Apr 17.17 bed 9:30pm Beth's
Beth took day off, fruit/yogurt/eggs, lv for Mom's ~10am - drive to
Casselman MD Inn for lunch - Mennonites - meh - fun, cool old photos
- I left Panama hat at tapas place previous night, go across street
thrift shop for cheap hat - then we all 3 go over to shop - fun -
drive down road to old stone bridge, stop for photos, back up road
to very cool antique shop - friendly lady who'd live in CA, got
another $40 Panama that fits my head, an art glass reflective disc
with small lens in middle (! very cool), - went to pay, lady says
already got glass - huh!? oh, Beth, thanks :-). Beth got some stuff
- outstanding shop!
Stop for gas/drinks, then rest stop with WV tourist brochures - lovely
sunny day - perfect - stop at Mom's. she shoos us off :-). Downtown,
Beth's cool ground floor windows office, Steven Allen books - back
to fancy restaurant top of nice hotel, Brandy Alexander, big filet
mignon, nice view of south town/river etc - on walk back to campus
library for her car, stop to take pics with Don Knott's statue,
local police walking by offered to take pic :-) then drive
down river to see huge clear cuts with hundreds of XL
Chill at home ~8pm, play with energetic/nervous Luna kitty in front - in
bad ~8:45, msg on phone, owner of 1203 returned call, apologized for
delay, said thought I was telemarketer, said this is a good time, no
one living there and he doing work inside, said to give a call,
we'll work out a time - wow. I'm a little nervous, it's so personal,
I think he'll understand that, it's okay if I'm a little emotional.
But be cool, don't overdo, be melodramatic - be good company, just
be myself. Wow.
Beth loaned cooler - bring fruit/yogurt - gonna try to get up @8, pack,
breakfast, shower lv ~9:30 so Chas before noon. Call Pat/1203 and
see if Wed works. You know - Katherine next door made this happen -
about it being empty and getting me # - learn compassion from this.
Sounds like she's had a rough time.
I got over the weirdness of yesterday's sudden change of plan for dinner -
I think it reminded me of times in past, living at home or after,
when it seemed secrets were being kept, plans were kept mysterious,
I felt like things were being kept from me, or from all of us - and
that was a very uncomfortable feeling - gaslighting - they would
behave weirdly, non-communicative, withdrawn emotionally, and if I
said anything I was treated like he odd fucked up one. That did
happen. I am not fucked up. But we all need to make the effort to
So wow yeah nice day Beth is great Mom is weird but great, Morganton is
blowing up and pretty cool - and 1203. No biggy - by time I get down
there, work out timing I'll have calmed down, what feels like
exciting dream miracle trip into past dream childhood world will
just be a cool thing for family to enjoy. Wow. Breath into it. Be
grateful for this moment. Let go of desire and clinging - do this
for the family.
Sun Apr 16.17 Beth's pm
WVU baseball game turned out really cool and good, rained but no
thunderstorm - to Mom's ~6th inning, watched dramatic end with Mom
on Beth's phone - WVU won just barely - Anne & Mom bailed, Beth gave
extra 2 tickets to young couple in line, they were nice and added to
Talk for couple hours? Then I say hungry - dinner - get ready to go -
visit bathroom - Indian restaurant downtown - come out, garb coat -
oops they forgot we're eating with Mom here - WTF?! - made me feel
crazy and sad - WTF? I forgot how dysfunctional, forgetful,
indecisive etc my family is -I felt out of control, like my life was
controlled my craziness. Well, I was hungry, away from home,
jetlagged - talked myself into being forgiving, prayed to Karen for
help - be loving forgiving and cool. Mom starts withdrawing into her
baby talk - "Kroger crackers!" - I want to tell her to stop talking
like a baby. She's 92 - I suppose I get to feel frustrated with her,
and also love her, be present and supportive. Fuck.
Felt better after I ate - but still - get me the fuck away from this -
drove downtown w/Beth to cool nice tapas place, one drink, cheese
plate, lamb, salad, lots of water. We talk a lot about
training/teaching, about how weird but cool and strong/smart in many
ways Mom is. Raining pretty hard when we leave - but got home okay.
Loud violent thunder & lightning storm. Sleep ~10:30 - up and out to 1hr drive for lunch Mon.
Fun day tho.
And I reminded myself - I'm on the most mentally healthy person out there
either. So don't think I'm above digging in and doing family.
Sun Apr 16.17 Beth's mtown
Sat am up at 8am, shower, breakfast by airport hotel, 1,5 hr easy
drive to mtown - used GPS effectively to get to Beth's. Hang talk,
settle in, gifts to her & Sutton - Filthy Cock soap, abalone shards,
ground coffee beans, tea - out for groceries, eggs, yogurt, fruits -
Beth decids to skip dinner, I go to Mom's, we talk every week so not
much to talk about except her vertigo & Gil's death - I think I was
hyper etc - Anne arrives, we go out to nice hippie dinner, salmon
greens smoothie, drive by river, downtown/campus, bldg's where Dad
went to Journalism school, baseball field for today's game if it
doesn't rain - drive around town, after goodbye to Mom, pick up
books - new testament translation I'd bought for Dad & Dante's
Inferno illustrated form my childhood - naked people! - hang
downtown, photo of Don Knotts statue to fb - cool to see it! - have
to pee, look for private spot but risk of being caught too great -
pool parlor for a beer, IM w/K, pee 2x, then home - lovely evening -
Bed, stay up till 10 - slept decently on and off till ~7:45 - sweaty! -
may have gotten my 7, feel good - work on staying calm, relaxed, not
talking so much - be present - be here now -
Pat Thomas posted photo of Gil's disco pic I sent him, mentioned it was
something asked me to do - I like the appreciation, tho it was
mainly about Gil wanting his friends taken care of. All good. If
people think a little better of me for carrying out his wishes, no
Today, shower - nice shower! - yogurt/fruit/hard boiled eggs - right on -
looks like rain and thunderstorm, so baseball is questionable. Anne
indecisive - of course, - Mom tentative worried about railings - of
course. Let it be. Do not judge lest I be judged. Easier not to. Go
with the flow. I don't live here - it's there lives and I've no
business pushing in. Be a perfect guest. It's family. Perfection not
Fri Apr 14.17 hotel nr Pgh airport
After work Thu, BB for berries/Mideast dinner salad, sandwich for
flight - pack - bed ~10.
Alarm this morning ~3am, cold, wear raincoat, leaves more room in suitcase
- rolled clothes tight, everything fit well - I'm better at not
taking unnecessary stuff. Decided on drive to port to book bag, so
no bother during Detroit layover - napped on chair, then in plane
- window seats on both flights; no one sitting next to me for 4hrs
to Detroit - nice! - pretty good sleep with inflatable
pillow/eye-covers. On flight, bought bad processed ham 'breakfast'
No wait at baggage claim, no prob with rental car - big white thing
similar to Sooz's - in fact, is it a cammie!? I asked for a simple
car and they got me a good one.
Cool getting here all sunny and lovely weather - managed to get turned
around on toll roads looking for hotel -gah! - used GPS - all is
well - love GPS! Hotel room is good - shit, 3x bigger than cottage -
fucking bathroom is almost as big! - went looking for food, all bad
cheap one step above fast food sort of - checked big hotel
restaurant/bar - nice! expensive, but fun - fillet mignon, two
brandy Alexanders, salad, and cake - goddam. Great service!
Self indulgent - loving myself - treating myself the way I treat people I
love -wanting the /me to have what they/I want.
Thought about Gil's death being a life-changing experience, and it'll take
a while to see how it all settles; that losing both Scott & Gil is
I feel detached tho - not - I think - Gil's dying - is such a hard cold
fact - there's no road or room to the past, it is what it is, we are
where we are, what we are. Or maybe I'm just tired, a bit jet-lagged
and out of my element.
After dinner - I had looked at phone map of my location, seen river, so
drove ~8miles(?) down to it, through a bit of old town there -
lovely river valley at dusk - that was fun... but... maybe lacking,
- losing Gil means losing an attachment to my youth - youthful
memories - ah, well. I'm sure it will be fine.
But friends are important, and losing a good one is a big deal.
Long day - 3am smoothie, drive to SFO 3:30am, long-term parking, sleep in
plane, switch in Detroit, pick up car in Pgh, hotel, dinner, 1st
brandy Alexanders, drive to river, stop at Walgreen's on way home
for razors, used GPS and also used phone throughout day to facebook
and see I can post photos - like of Pgh dinosaur skeleton - to fb.
Read a bit of book about Another Green World. Have not had a
digestive event yet -
Long day. Sleep well. I love sleep. Life is good.
Thu Apr 13.17 nm
Dang - slept badly Mon & Tue pm, Wed mentally foggy,
detached from self, not feeling good - what if I'm coming down with
something, or am like this all week!? After work Wed, talked
to Buff about cottage roof, both agreed since sealing skylight has
been 100% effective, not to replace roof - which would cost several
thousand dollars. Then straight to chicken udon downtown - that
mediocre place - couple sushis, miso, large hot sake, water -
be good to myself, be my own geisha, see & know that I have power
and desire to do things I like. That helped - brain calmed down a
bit - home into bed ~9, sleep ~10 - sleep pretty good, keeping my
mind off sleep or sleeplessness, except to remind myself how much I
enjoy sleep, what fun it is! Slept well, till ~6? Snooze till 7:30 -
smoothie - Nomad.
Sent note to work about steps to take: email, phone, locked drawers,
coffee and tea for Bath & Sutton.
Tonight: Pack clothes, electrical wires chargers in plastic bag,
toiletries in plastic bag. No extras- no book - maybe Leonard?
Guess I'm driving - but should I try to Uber then BART home? It'd be nice
not to have to get to car & drive home through SF Sun
afternoon traffic - but it can be done - and maybe easier than
exhausted BART trip? Whatever - it is doable.
Giving Tessa (Nan's daughter) info about 80s valley, drugs, gigs, Davis80s
for story, hooking her up with J Drawhorn, posted timeline for D80s
page got good response.
Hard rain - visiting home, going to place where I am welcome simply for
who I am, this should be the most easy welcome possible trip - the
past my arise, and that's to be expected - but it's cool. Home is
where the heart is. Beth welcomes me in. My mother & I will visit.
All is well. These are golden days. Gil is dead - I am surrounded by
love and support. I am a basically good, generous human being, able
to give and receive love, to take advantage of opportunities, not be
overwhelmed or bitter about challenges. We all get a pass on family
tension - family is tough. We do the best we can and love from from
a distance. When Gil was sick/died, I was there for he and his
widow; I get no gold star for that, but I did my duty -
personally that counts for a lot. Sooz's generosity with car gift -
my helping Eric & Karen financially and otherwise - this is family
and network. This it it. This is my life. It is good.
I don't look forward to getting up at 2am, being treated like a
criminal at airport, 5hr cramped flight - but I've done it a dozen
times before, and survived comfortably, so I know it'll be fine.
These are good days. I will see my mother and siblings in 2 days, and
visit the town I grew up in mid week.
Got a great job review, and made amends, like a real adult, with boss.
Wed Apr 12.17 nm
Drizzly rainy hard dense drizzle, very nice on the face - Tom's birthday!
Tho don't see it on fb.
Finished brandy - no desire for more - vice? Photoshop? Photography?
Did not sleep well, wtf - maybe slept 10-2 or 3? Then restless - I
recognize brain/thought pattern, have not found way past it - when I
try bath, meditation etc, and it doesn't work at first, frustration
sets off tension, no sleep - stayed in bed till ~7:45 - smoothie -
WV will be a nice vacation with several multi-hour visits with sisters and
Mom - being there 5 days means a couple or few hours a day will
suffice, instead of cramming in so many in a couple days - plus, a
nice vacation for me! Home means past - but keep one foot in present
- be good.
This is Easter weekend, so Mom may be busy with church stuff - make note!
Annual job performance review Tues - I'd been anxious, no one likes
to be judged - had got into a pretty good space - turned out to be
all positive; I apologized for coming at him abruptly earlier in
week about interruptions. Good to do that, get it worked out - he
thanks me for apology and we're good.
Did Siouxie handover paperwork online.
Figure out how I'm getting to airport Fri am - drive I assume - ; go
online to see if I can get window seat ha ha - likely too late.
I think all I need to bring to WV is laptop, camera chargers, wires etc -
clothes, coffee/tea for Anne/poet housemate. Have enough experience
packing now to get this done right. Pbj sandwich? Sleep gear for
This would be a good day to stay home, pack, tidy cottage, think about
what to bring for travel day - but - oh, well - ; be sure to eat in
2 says travelling, 5 days with fam in mTown - amuse myself - 3 days in
Charleston - call owner of 1203 today! Make notes, I am tired, make
effort to sound clear, calm, sane - no trouble - count of kindness
and friendliness of WV folk.
K dealing with court prep - not doing well emotionally - sigh.
Tue Apr 11.17 nm
A bit anxious/defensive about annual review - nobody likes it - but it's
just J doing his job - help him do it - we had a dust-up about his
interrupting me with an irritated tone - here is a chance to have a
positive engagement, make it so today is the best time he has all
News story about guy getting roughed-up and dragged off overbooked United
flight increases my tension and no-fun flying.
Charity guys came by Mon shortly before noon, took Siouxie - I had
a quick moment with he/took photo in morning. Sad to say goodbye -
end of an era(?), E&K's wedding gift they gave me when departing for
All good - healthy, rough sleep last night but enough - started new Elmore
Leonard - Maximum Bob - , and ordered Jazz/Blues tickets, but all
back rows unavailable, and all aisles snapped up in first hour - WTF?
No biggy, but looks like some group/is buying up desirable seats to
sell later at a profit. Still, 3rd row, 2 in from aisle - that's
Mail in form that says Siouxie not mine anymore.
All is well. Breath. 8:02am - going in 20mins late. Bam.
Mon Apr 10.17 nm
Slept decent - groggy - anxious about WV trip but not unbearably so, just
normal family visit anxiety - be myself - it's best for everyone -
don't complain - do take care of myself - eat protein - take time to
myself - explore the town - they will appreciate that - do research
at work this week - museum on campus? Arts Center?
Sun: Nomad morning, 9:30, figure I can like on work mornings, like
today, get home, shower, pack and leave by 10, get to
Guerneville/Armstrong Woods by noon - did that, stopped at Gville
coffee shop for breakfast burrito/espresso - yum! - Armstrong
completely jammed and cars parked 1/4 mile down road - fuck it - not
peaceful isolation in woods - backup plan: Monte Rio, Bohemian
Highway through Occidental to Bodega, stopped at Birds Schoolhouse,
photos of bottomless house on corner, checked distances on phone GPS
- from Bodega, same distance to GVille either Bohemian or coast Hwy
Up coast stop at overlook for pbj, further north to climb rock formation
surrounded by flowering ice plants - nice - a but chilly - restless,
but good to walk mini ice plant trail, enjoy ocean view and sound,
breeze, smells, etc. Got to Eric's ~3:20, drive around while
appetitive builds, downtown sushi, sake, appetizers, rolls, etc -
good - home ~8pm, real easy drive home, light traffic whole way plus
daylight. Cassettes - really enjoying old work etc tapes many of
which have songs I don't recognize till lyrics start - good stuff,
good music - GBV GBV!
Papers/keys in Siouxie's glovebox - a couple of goodbye photos - that's it
- work - training this afternoon - photos - but focus on WV trip -
all I need to do is pack, get to airport, hotel for first night -
get Beth's address in phone - contact 1203 owner - sure, why not?
Looked up CBD painkiller cubes - says the local place carries them - huh.
Sun did my own thing down to minute - yes - that helped to have
free time just for me - I'm fortunate to have that much free time,
and freedom to sleep - good job, cottage, friends etc - everyday say
yes, thank you - be good today.
Sun Apr 9.17 Guerneville coffee shop
Quick one - need a day to myself doing my thing relaxing by myself oh yes
doing what I want to do for myself to enjoy - that would be
- shower/grab tapes/pbj, driving to Gville for breakfast and walk in woods
north of town, then lv ~2:30 - 20min to 101 - 10mins to Eric's for
sushi ~3-3:30 -
Lovely morning, still a bit detached, which is why I want this
morning/early afternoon just for me - to reattach -
Nice bringing old work tapes, have not heard some of these for..? 5-6+
years? Good stuff - just need some time in woods, forest therapy -
Perfect day-after-rain day... $1K fed tax check arrived - stop at
dispensary on way out of town se if they have any non-THC CBD goods?
Remembered Eric's CBDs, ready to move Siouxie to North side/put
keys/ papers in glovebox - cool -
It's good to see I'm at 63 organized and don't make sloppy mistakes from
noit paying attention -
Life is good - rejecting straight society was correct - my
liberal/tolerant intelligent artistic outlook has been validated -
Love myself regardless - have a piss - head to the woods - in WV be myself
- there's no other way - the past is dead - we are here for each
other now - deal with that - be here now. How can I help?
Sat Apr 8.17 II laundry 3:18pm
Set at home, artist fb friend sent me a drawing of a cupid kissing a clit
- sent that to a few people who mainly liked it, tho Vic & K had
somewhat negative reaction - I saw it as cupid=love etc - it was
sent by a women, and I was mainly sharing because of its weirdness,
also I like to share body/pussy/cunnilingus-positive images with
women, to be supportive of feminine sexuality - also I'm just a
flaming pervert - anyway, it's done - I have been telling myself to
back off on that, sharing erotica - even if it's okay - back off for
my own sake - keep it interesting - but I keep doing it - so maybe I
need to do something else -
Called Mom, she has vertigo, told her about the 1203 Larchwood situation,
that getting inside is possible because it's empty and Katherine
from Bodkins next door gave me owner's # - cool if it happens! Long
hot shower - :-) flossing again, backup deodorant/toothpaste from WF
Talk to Buff about clock, noir, sci-fi movies, DJ's jazz gig tomorrow -
drive to Elmwood for new comfy pants, up College down Bancroft to
Mechanics for $160 quarters, dispensary - called Eric from parking
to set Sun lunch time/see if he wants edibles - got
indica bud for me & CBD edibles for Eric, stop at home to grab
hummus sandwich - I was feeling a bit mentally low/disconnected,
figured it was hunger (no dinner last night, plus brandy / THC pot /
pudding) - laundromat now - sandwich helped! Be sure to eat
regularly in WV!!!
20more dryer minutes - then yard - plant blood orange tree - since I
can't be at DJ's gig, at least I can honor her with tree.
Bring camera to WV so I can Skype on IE ?
Xoxo/E/Jess in CA this July, I can visit her. I think I'm fine with that.
Cool - get everything done today - what about a slow drive up 1 to Sonoma
beaches, Eric's at 3pm? Or not. Hang in Gville?
So - add it up this way - I have lots going on, even if it's mainly
errands - and I'm getting it all done - so, cool, right? Right.
Life is good.
Sat Apr 8.17 nm
Relax - enjoy visit home - flight will be fine, and just - relax and
enjoy. Joan's Bodkin Larchwood friend got me name/# of 1203 owner;
apparently it's unoccupied right now - so, call him and maybe
be able to visit. That could be really something - 50yrs later.
Fri night after brandy/blog, drive to WF for Mideast salad,
sandwich, pudding, bananas, berries, hemp milk - high at home,
pudding, youtube etc. Sleep ~11-6:45, slept well, wank, smoothie,
faintly drizzly - hard rain at Nomad, last night, too - downpour
pounding on roof almost drowned out music - iPhone jack screwed
up/sometimes cuts out, but really nice having music again. Tull,
work mix, Bobby Rush blues.
Morning groggy - always some sadness in life, but so much going right,
focus on positive, health, job, friends, art, hobbies and habits -
photos and photoshop, video etc really fun - in most ways I feel
'failure' it was youthful fantasy/dreams I was sold to be famous movie star film
director Hollywood dreams super heroes fame fortune - so I purchase
their products - it was all fantasy - here is reality - I love my goddaughter, I have a goddaughter, a friend who holds me so dear that she lets me love her
daughter. Be happy. Amazing people love and respect me. So be cool.
It's not where you are it's where you're at. Karen/Sooz would not be
giving me a car if she/Karen etc did not see coolness, integrity,
honesty in me. Sooz has seen me a lot, and in some ways may know me
better than Karen does, or Gil did?
Let me not rely too heavily on friendship/love from others - being my
own friend, loving myself is it. It's good sometimes when one is
down - to count blessings - but truly appreciating all that is good
in my life should be a no-brainer. It's right there. Be happy. It's
okay to be happy and grateful for my life. Breath into happiness and
goodness in my life.
Anyway, there will be some socializing in WV, being an introvert that can
be stressful - breath, be myself, they love me - a 2-night vacation
on the town I grew up in is very cool, and the drive through WV is
beautiful - April will be lovely! Seeing Mom will be great. Seeing
Anne & Beth will be great. And I have peeps in my old neighborhood.
So how cool is my life?
K - bla bla - deep breath - do some things - laundry, pot, call Mom,
Siouxie stuff in glovebox/move her to south side, plant blood orange
tree if rain let's up. Easy weekend before WV trip is cool - let my
Fri Apr 7.17 home 6pm
My little life is great - love it - in rocking chair looking our front
cottage door pane and kitchen window at pre-rain April green yard -
Abbey Road playing now I got charger cord from work IT, thank you -
nice having music yes -
Finished Elmore Leonard's Road Dogs - damn that's some fun intense shit -
At work got past tension about tone of voice from new dept mgr, and
refusal to do 1-day LA trips - I had brainstorm to train CSS/Admin
types by WebEx - be good practice, and if it works might wedge door
open to try it for larger consultant groups - or e.g., let's say R
or J miss their flight, or they're delayed - we could swing a video
conference. It's win-win-win I think - time to do diligence collect
names start rumors, get ball rolling. We should be ahead of the
ball, not playing catch up/
It's way of future, so we should get there early, or preferably first.
Slept well - Gil's pot got me high - watched live GT Hoboken/Philly - man
that's good shit - Mideast salad bar snack -
So now - 2.5 days - staring to rain - maybe take it easy today, it was a
bouncy week emotionally at work - sip a bit of brandy, yes - learn
to drink normally -
Weekend Plans: Groceries, laundry, start packing for
WV(?), enough pot to last a month or two until I get
new card late April, put Siouxie stuff together including
keys/registration in glovebox/move to south side 'cause Mon
is also street sweep day. Yard work -> weed front,
plant cucumbers/tomatoes/blood orange tree. Maybe sushi with
Eric - be good to see him before WV and also now I'm getting back to
myself, with one small difference.
IM w/K, about Xo's Summer visit w/E, about birthday video making her sad
because Sooz moved away & she doesn't see us - but at least
out-of-sync singing was cute/not creepy - maybe visit later this
year? I can afford it and it's time. Fuck discomfort. Need to see
Xoxo & Karen.
Thu called Doc Fitzer, appt in a few weeks, I'm still official, see
about note for flying, viagra, sore arm if it's still bugging me.
Getting it all done - list at work shrinking - got thank you cards for
Joan (for Stacey $$) and Shirley (for holiday meat/cheeses).
CA tax return arrived - $366 - deposited - rent paid, $4K credit card paid
up - WV flight & car paid for - $56 available, ~50 after
predictable. waiting for $1K from feds. Missed last years state
taxes, doubtful they'd pursue small fry like myself - for what?
Check in on Stacey?
Reading, work tension resolved/video conf for training
Xo's birthday video w/Sooz/Skype
Gil's pot, GT live videos
Rain, chill, weekend plans groceries/yard/pot/Eric
Doc for flying note/etc
Tax return, payday today, Siouxie Monday, rent paid
Thank you cards for Joan, Shirley
Yeah - took a few weeks to get things started, completed etc - but I like
this feeling of things done, and when I go to WV should have
clear head - was wondering if 3 days in Chas might be too
much - but fuck it - actually I was really digging it last year and
wanted a week there - so cool, dreamy vacation - not going to
contact folks in 1203 - odds so slim, and I'd feel uncomfortable,
too - but maybe... who knows? Send them a note and say email if it
works - maybe they're really nice people and -- who knows? Do it.
Send letter on Monday - they get it late week - I'm there a week
later, they'll have time to email if it's cool.
Thu Apr 6.17 nm
Work stuff: Boss man says no training overnights to LA - I say that
doesn't change my position that was settled last year; I will see
about getting a doctor's note. J interrupted me mid answer, me,
still fuming about Tues interruption and previous ones,
jumped in about it - he denied everything then spent minutes saying
I do it, too - not promising - he basically said my complaints had
no validity and anyway I do it, too. But since he was blindsided,
I'll excuse his defensiveness - in end we both said we'd watch it,
shook hands, done. He didn't seem to get I was complaining most
about his tone, but he insisted we stick to "no Interruption" law
and, in truth, since I do interrupt people, maybe that's a good
It'll be fine.
Call Doc Fitzer about note - can we do it online? Video conf? Rather than
Home - Sooz emailed - trying to get Skype to work Tues
night very frustrating - doesn't work with Firefox - worked with IE
in my regular laptop. Attachable camera worked good - it was cool
being able to see each other while we spoke, and she held Cheeto so
I could see him and stroke screen. we made Happy Birthday video
for Xoxo -12 - couldn't hear each other in sync, so singing
slow/weird - hope we don't seem genuinely crazy - we did try!
Sooz in Oregon, me in Oakland, we still sang her
Happy Birthday, with candles and decorations.
Ordered tickets for Rancho Nicasio shows - Elvin Bishop is
Sunday I planned to leave for Oregon - dang - went for
it anyway - decided 3 days to get to Oceanside is enough, I
have ~5-6 days to get home, so can explore then - starting off trip
with a good Blues Rock show sounds perfect, but if I get restless
can skip show and let them give ticket to some lucky soul.
What's next - doc's note for LA trips, this weekend start packing/laundry
for WV, arrange for Siouxie pickup Monday. Also work pics and
training coming up. Did facepages yesterday and sent off. I rock.
8:40. All is well. Work tensions after 18years is normal; we'll survive -
I could have handled it better, but it was a difficult situation,
and now it's dealt with; LA trips - they are not going to
terminate/penalize me because of this one thing. I offered to do
WebEx's, have done many LA trips over last 15years. What would they
do? Nothing I can think of. We don't get raises anyway. Taf tried
pressure and bullying; that failed big time. Asking me to do a task
that makes me feel ill and exhausted is nuts. No. Way. I can get
backup if necessary.
Anyway - okay? Feel better? Okay - back to work.
Wed Apr 5.17 nm
Trained 2 CSS peeps, took pics, waiting for facepage proof, writing email
for Manager pics, fix complex theme - all in a day.
Feeling better tho - back into my life, no longer on-point, on edge for
After work, drive to BB for berries, bananas, pudding, clam chowder -
chowder at home, call Sooz - talk for ~1.5hrs+? Try to get Skype set
up for Xoxo 12th Happy Birthday song - frustration - gah!! - ,
couldn't get it to work, but think it's working now -
J at work interrupts me again with irritated tone, in front of new hire
and maybe clients - may need to talk to him, or send him an email.
Don't know what his problem is, but approach it in as positive,
problem solving a way as possible - not in a confrontational
drawing-line-in-sand way. I am allowed to watch after my self, have
boundaries respected, expect to be treated with respect and
professionalism at work. If I say nothing, I may be signaling that
it's okay. So, nicely as possible, let him know it is not okay to
take that tone of voice with me in front of other people. I expect
to be treated the way he treats Iain and our clients. That's fair.
Anyway - it's bugging me, so say something.
Stressing about flying, but not terrible - go ahead and be stressed - let
it out - Aghhh!! Then do it.
Tues pm - brandy while talking to Sooz, then pot, then remembered
the pudding ~10(?), and ate that down - yum. And had a cinnamon roll
after work. So - trying not to eat sugar is not
working, Try instead to add healthy food that I
No train to Truckee this weekend - laundry, start packing early, hotel
near airport - where to get dinner and also have healthy breakfast
nearby? Truckee after I return perhaps.
Wipes this morning - sugar, brandy, long Sooz talk, pot & pudding - uh
gee, wonder why I'm fuzzy - but it was fun! Need to update pot
license, but have enough Gil pot to last a month or two.
Looking forward to seeing Mom, Sis's - relaxing - this week, paycheck and
maybe tax return? Get those numbers up.
And? All good - spring is arriving - ordered red lights for backyard and 2
33.3 music books, Fear of Music and Another Green World.
63 man - not old, but not young for sure - John Henry coming up on 90 -
will I be invited? Up to them.
Tue Apr 4.17 nm
Xoxo bday Thurs, call Sooz tonight see if we can do
sing-along Happy Bday video?
A bit wiped Mon from Sun/Davis visit, but got
facepages done, cleaning everything up work-wise so when I go to WV
in 10 days, for 10 days, all will be tidy. No sense pretending I'm
going to do work from WV - don't see it happening. But... ? Yes, it
will be a pain for dept, but once I set shit up and leave it's none
of my business - my business is to live my life, be respected, and
see my family, esp my 2yr-old Mother. If they've set up a dept
system so that when one person leaves it all falls apart, that is
their error. That's a bad way to run a dept; and it's not my job
to fix it.
Home for 2 small sips of brandy - that 'vice' will likely disappear in a
few weeks, too, like smoking and over-eating.
Cheese and bread snack, Godzilla YouTube videos.
Bit of flirty IM'ing w/Harrisburg Buzznet LB - I have always found her
innate hotness appealing, wanted a nude or bikini pic, she's a
little crazy, in middle of difficult relationship situation (gf
moved out), wants escapist friend - recent online boy didn't work
out (about which she has been sharing details), so I feel some
rebound energy coming at me - she sent me pic from work, told me
what she does, asked what I do, asked me to join What'sApp
presumably so we can chat communicate more easily; but I'm probably
not the guy - it's one thing with women friends from college years,
where there is a reservoir of sexual-energy-links-memories to draw
from (and that's messy enough!) - but a new person with no
reality-based history would take something else, that I'm not
feeling - keep it real - a friendship is worth way more. I want to
see her naked, ask for moist exposed erotic pics - but something
else is happening here - she is sharing personal/sexual/romantic
info/events with me, in context that has taken years to
develop/reach this point - I said yesterday, she can ask me for
anything, she said I can ask her for anything (we can say no) - but
that doesn't mean we should go crazy.
So -write to 1203 people today - send email address - , email
whatshername next door - unlikely to work out for me to go inside,
but if I don't ask I'll never know. And call church in Charleston -
again, probably no way, but if I don't ask... ? At least ask.
Annotated Lolita on way to work Mon, posted quote about
Settling back into quiet low-key life, some of the sadness I'm
experiencing could be just reconnecting to general life sadness.
Young at Davis, bursting with sexual and other energy, anger, bitterness,
creative explosion etc about unfairness, feeling different,
uninvited , unwanted. Life as we find it. Crazy wild to visit once a
year - rose-colored glasses, live music, Art dept, biking around
Davis at night. I drove on Sunday - and no, to
do Davis you have to bike. See about
leaning back seats forward.
$15 alarm clock from Wal-Mart - works. Up at 6:15, wank, shower,
smoothies, Nomad at 7a.m.
Mon Apr 3.17 nm
Feeling better today, after Sat 'depression' - which could be
fatigue etc on top of tons of sugar consumed Fri
afternoon/evening - yep - recognizable food-based mental imbalance.
No sugar days a few times /week?
New alarm clock - clock from Urban Ore big glowing green number light up
room - plus that north wall socket is maybe fucking up? Ore clock
reset to default - so it's turning on and off - didn't notice rest
of cottage power doing that?
Davis: Started up 101 on auto-pilot, phone GPS told me 5miles north
to 137, added 30mins to trip but lovely morning and still got to
Davis ~10:45? Downtown Peet's > south Davis, big park between X-Men
house & 1008 Snyder > cemetery > bunnies, turkeys, lovely sunny
morning, warm sun with gentle cool breeze - perfect Davis weather
goddamit - IM pic to K & Lo from cemetery; head to M&J Noon.
Easy visit - they look good - I'd tell Gil, but... we have leftovers for
lunch, hot tea, talk till 5:30? mark came in for a while - no
politics - he knows there's tension over election, no excuse for
letting Trump win. Cover family, big trouble with Terry & John,
cops, beatings, screaming, blood, craziness, living in truck -
Cats, friendly dog, new cool cat cage by side of house. I showed them
about talking to phone for GPS and texting. Fun.
Talked about Gil's death, of course. How he was my last connection with
certain networks of folks, that talking about them was part of our
friendship, and without that maybe they all wither, because I don't
care - it made sense for he & I to talk about Shelley/Chris/farm
since it was shared memories - but no more. Marge asked if I wanted
to visit farm - I said sure, but depends on if Shelley wanting it.
Not sure I see the point. To satisfy curiosity about where cemetery
stones are? See?
After M&J, downtown for $20 sushi boat buffet, one large sake, espresso at
Peet's before leaving. I felt quite disconnected - not wallowing in
past memories like on most visits - it has been, after all, since
1978 when I first got here - almost 40 fucking years ago - arrived
at ~24yrs old. Memories there - but - esp with Gil's death, being
'old' - 63 - sexual memories and youthful idiot playfulness feel
unreal, useless - I am glad to have had good fortune to have that
experience - most all my life has grown from it - Eric, Shelley,
Game Theory, Scott, Donnette, music scene, Photo Robert, nude
photos, Jane, first love, hot sex, WEF photographer, etc - but I am
now who I am - all past bundles up into one here I am now.
I had got grant to shoot portraits in Design bldg, been making extra $$
working stage crew on campus rock shows, working in Craft Center in
exchange for paper/film/darkroom access - so it all connected:
Approach rockers at shows with offer to shoot at studio and make
prints at Craft Center. I worked it - made system work for me -
things come together invisibly; focused, I am more intuitively
competent than I know. See?
Could be paranoia, but I assume AM has spread exaggerated bad tales about
my mid-life crisis, crushes, naked photos, Lisa Ch - it was
essentially innocent, but appearances were sketchy and hard to
explain, drama mama that she is, she will make it look like a huge
scandal, tho it breaks her heart to tell everyone, she is a martyr
for the truth haha so will spread smears with tears of regret in her
eyes. Haha. Yeah, whatever.
So now, to be cynical, a lot of people now know I was Gil's best friend,
that I was there for him before & during till the end and for Stacey
after; that I raised 21K for Stacey and did it well. There's nothing
in it for me, I'll never brag on myself for it - but there it is -
whatever people may have thought in past, whatever tales have been
told - recent events balance out a lot of that.
On top of 'Photo Robert' Game Theory re-release photos, and to lesser
degree live tapes being included on bonus discs.
None of it means a thing really - tho it's nice - good ways to fill the
times, grateful for rock-photo fantasies and desires fulfilled,
attention for my work sure yes dig it. None of it buys me a cup of
coffee, but strip away ego stroking, it is an amazing event and very
cool. Yes, thank you, be my best today.
I step away form this moment having lost a dear good long-term friend,
with him go so many memory shares, so much fun - I come out of it me
with more experience, and having done right. That is all the real
At cemetery noted what a cool location that was: not lost in some
neighborhood, but 2 blocks from groceries, across street from cool
cemetery where at times I walked everyday - cool crazy housemates,
chicken, pot plants, yes. At end I have big front room with own
shower for super cheap - on GA/food stamps - and - I left - moved to
Berkeley to make or break, lived in my car on and off for 1.5years.
South Berkeley - target home - made it - low-rent in-law in cool
neighborhood - I fit well thank you yes. Scott, Karen, Gil, Stacey,
Lucky for 1008 Snyder cheap rent location in Davis, lucky for
Oakland in-law cheap rent now - in between struggle, live in
car, live with wife in her house. Housing has sporadically been a
problem. I hate to commit to the system. I want outlier living
systems. Communes etc.
Lucky in Davis, extremely lucky now.
Having things taken care of feels good - WV tickets, Siouxie donation,
visiting Marge & John good - checking in on network with Gil gone?
Oh, and sinking in - with Gil and Sooz gone - really only Buff & DJ
to keep me in Bay Area - I think, I want to stay to be near friends
- well - Eric in SR, Marge/John/Mark in Davis, Sooz in OR - easier
to leave now, less to keep me here. Coast. Ocean. Rain.
Sun Apr 2.17 nm
Feeling oddly bad - noticed Sat - low energy, mental fog - just down
- called Mom but mind unfocused - took a .5% pot pill which made me
sluggish, knocked me out - did some yard work in front - heated up
memorial pork, enjoyed with coleslaw & greens, gave rest to Buff/DJ.
Stacey IM'd said go ahead take down GFM page - I told he a bout pork to
DJ/Buff, and later took it down with a thank you note. $21K - not
Morning drove down to Garden place on Sac, used GPS - worked well - got
cucumbers, tomatoes, fertilizer & new blood orange tree - shoveled
bed in front of window, pulled out catnip cage, no catnip survived -
chopped a few stalks off huge purple flowering thing in front - so
many stalks, taking out ~5 made no diff - beautiful!
Called Marge/John about a visit today - she called back later, left msg -
Then crashed for a couple hours? Felt better - Stilton & bread
day - called Marge to confirm visit today - ~6-7 heated up clam
chowder for dinner.
But feeling down - keep walking through, keep moving - many things - Gil's
death now have to really deal with living with it - Marge & John,
guilt (?) about not visiting, and sadness about them aging - and me
me me - they are in their 90s -
I have this idea of retirement lasting a few years, but it could be a
decades or decades - then I get scared - normal -
Sleep ~11? Up ~6:00 - fuck it - back under covers till ~7:30 - smoothie,
shower, leave for Nomad ~8, lv for Davis ~9 - M&J's ~12-1pm.
Pulling back into self and my own life, for months I was always about Gil,
always had feelers out, anticipating, ready to jump when the time
came - Stacey was his full-time caretaker - still, do not diminish
impact on me - we all have ourselves to look after -
Bit of photoshop CWD, some French writer/radio Paris match guy posted
Frida gun/friended and thanked me. Many likes of memorial photos I
Dishes, general organization, pulled storage box apart looking for
Marge/John's #; turned out to be on my phone -
Dad & I didn't like each other, but we managed to be in same room and I
was kind to him; for Tim & I there seems to be no there there. I
could try to not take his dislike of the world personally?
So - Sun - Nomad, garden store, dug in front yard, pork lunch and
rest to Buff/DJ, a few swallows of brandy - I noted a bit of
craving for it, leaning on it, during day, alone - what
was that? Careful. I seemed to want it when talking to Mom/when
contemplating visiting Marge 7 John. Stress reducer. Try deep
Okay. Do it. I can do this. 9"07 - head out soon. I'm good. Everything is
cool. Gil's death keeps hitting from unexpected angles, but my
infrastructure is good - I'm not here for K as much as I'd like, but
that's life, and it's logical that I'd need to focus on Gil, Stacey,
Tape in the Cammie is cool - notes in Siouxie saying she'll be gone in a
Sat Apr 1.17nm
Already 3mos into 2017 -
Miscalculation in Excel annual budget - $4K less than I thought - looks
right, thought it looked too high after S's 6K - still, after
removing predictable expenses, rent, travel $$ WV, credit card
payment, just shy of 50 - ~3.5K still to come this month - which
ought to put me back ~52? Actual ~54 - so I'm good. In comfort zone.
Mildly anxious about travel - flying is such a drag, so unforgiving
- miss flight because of mechanical breakdown? - tough shit - trip
home - they will all be aiming to help me feel comfortable - not
mindlessly pressure to be something other than what I am - it's now,
not 1972 - what could go wrong? Relax, enjoy, have fun. New day
dawning. As if I just met them.
Fri 'birthday cake' at work, tons of icing, last
night 1/2 jelly bean remaining bag, 2-3
Stacey/memorial chocolate chip cookies - enough sugar
Sleep ~11, awake ~6:00 - considered Russian River - nah - needed rest -
Today: Mkt, hippie garden store for veggies, blood orange
tree, organic fertilizer - call Marge/John about tomorrow - if
they're not free, maybe road trip. Today - easy Tilden? Walk off
death/grief/fear body aches. EZ. Fun. 10am. Breath.
Again - good to have consensus in dept, training trips to LA must included
overnight - no more 1-day, early morning, late evening back and
forth plus 4hr training - no. J suggested PTO the next day? Uh, no.
Company is trying to avoid hotel expense - J'd suggestion is we use
an earned day off - that's $$ to us - were I to quit tomorrow, those
hours would be paid to me in cash money. Uh. No.
Took 7:20am pics this morning of sunrise yard - smoothie - fridge stuffed
w/usual food, salad, and leftover memorial pork.
Life is good - wider circle/network of friends/support than I know,
because I generally prefer my own company - job, cottage, yard,
savings, food, family and, most important, health.
I keep coming back to Suzi Z, wanting to shoot - weather good - get a good
camera - let her know - and also get clear with myself about
motivations, integrity, how to get it done, focus - be real, yes.
Not to be her friend or be close, but to use her and my intuitive
interest which I need to trust - like with Aeron, who I did not
click with, distant, smart, not soft -but we got good shots because
I needed to work with her look.
okay - now what? Market. Garden store. Call Mom first. Put 'I'll be
donated and gone soon' in Siouxie's window. Find Marge/John's number
Rent paid. In 2 weeks I get to visit Charleston.
Life is good.
Fri Mar 31.17 home pm
Today - quite a bit as I re-sync into my life flow...
Mailed Rhapsody 8x10s to Pat Thomas, rolled up flyers to K - she on way to
Brighton for further negotiations w/B - IM'd with Buzznet Bobby, her
gf out/online bf too weird - work-related: added org chart
tips, QAT hybrid, chart est intro & other to training decks - talked
about training in LA, none of us willing to do one-day anymore, good
there's a consensus finally - see what happens -
- birthday cake, training & photo arranging - cleared out personal stuff
from desktop MyStuff folder, backed up onT-drive and/or deleted -
Made 'I'll be gone soon' signs for Siouxie, re-did finance page - I was
subtracting too little of predictable $$, I have less than I
thought, but still ~55 actual, ~50 after-predictable - with expense
of WV flight & Stacey/Gil support still pretty good.
Org desktop papers - North Concord train to Rockridge, reading Elmore
James - great shot! - 2 slabs of good Stilton - casual slow
enjoyable walk home -
- 2 brandies, called Sooz, toss slab of Stilton to Buff, Jack night but we
talked for ~30mins - fun! Good to talk to her - and - penciled in
making a bday video for Xoxo this week, and a few hours visit from
Newport during my June OR vacation.
Drive to WF ~8:30 - GbV on tape - lovely weather, nice to be out, used
Lo's WF gift card rest with cash, berries, hot bar, salad bar, 'nuther
bottle of the good cognac - careful!!!!!
Call Marge & John Sat see if they are up for Sun
I was adding stuff to work to-do list, taking them off as they got done -
I need to get back on my shit, between Gil & new hire training I'm
been over-extended - getting back on track -
Photoshopped Gil Memorial photo boards/table displayed -
photos/flowers/hat - uploaded - lots of likes, loves, tears,
comments, some shares - good - waited a respectable week, now feels
like the time. Write to 1203 Larchwood - see what happens. Send a
stamped envelope. Expect nothing.
Dropped a brandy glass talking to Sooz - shattered - picked up pieces &
Hot bar dinner - 9:30pm now - cookies from memorial in fridge - Gil pot -
Thu Mar 30.17 nm
Feeling a little overwhelmed at work - as in, not able to get to all my
extra-production tasks: Manager photos, facepages, training prep -
new material- , actual trainings - I've lost track of things.
Partially now the addition of training the new guy Alex. LMI guy
coming this morning ~9 so I'm in late, told morning folks, not dept
mgr. I need to get a grip on my personal stuff - those are, some of
them, tasks that make me look good, extras, personal contacts, my
claims to fame, the reasons I'm seen as a high value HR institution
- when those get downplayed, 1) I feel they are underappreciated/not
sufficiently supported, and 2.) my rep potentially suffers.
Get a grip.
Dinner with Stacey last night - left over memorial pork/coleslaw/greens -
yummy! Asked about things like memorial photos online, told her
about smokes and last one went with K to UK - she seemed okay with
that. Talked about how we're coping, med bills, who did and didn't
show at mem - why no Gui? Explained about Nan. No Deanne? Took
leftover med cannabis, gave her card/cash from Joan, accepted her
bday gift a collection of Frida Kahlo photos by Nickolas Muray.
Played with Dexter - he seems a bit lost without his Dad. He seemed
lost sitting in chair next to Gil's deathbed - he knew something was
Who's getting his drums, guitars, Bradley did lots of that. $1K sales of
Gil product at mem. How his family is taking it - His older bro Dick
is understandably taking it hard. Maybe those closest to him feel
somehow they failed - we should have done more, should have been
able to save him. Those of us who could be there were - we stood in
for all who couldn't make it. That's what friends are for, Gil. Love
And where we both - all? - find ourselves, Jennifer told S 'you finished
sprint, now you do marathon': event over, duties done; now we settle
in to our lives without Gil, our lives teach us what that means. Gil
was my connection to many people and scenes - that was fun - hearing
about his life, esp. aspects that related to me - Game Theory/Scott,
other musicians - and with them gone? We will see what remains. Who
Smoked a bit of this pot last night - got pretty high! Slept well
~10:30-7am alarm. Boom!
K having a really bad time - I lost a best friend, limited emotional
resources - bad news has been going on for years. I am allowed to
admit I can't afford to throw $$ at it right now - another scene
needs my attention, at least until I see how much attention it
needs. I got myself into a bad scene during divorce/DUI - that was
all on me - she was there for me endlessly. Do the best I can.
Yes - thank you, I want this - be good today. Be grateful for every good
day. Today is a good day. At the end of the day I will say that was
cool, a challenging job, time to myself, good weather, affordable
rent, good friends. Etc.
Heard from Beth about potential activities in WV - trails, restaurants,
etc. Reach out. Make contact.
Ordered 8x10's of Gil's Rhapsody publicity shot for Pat Thomas.
I'm getting things done.
Work on yard this weekend - visit Marge and John. Thank you notes to
Shirley & Joan. I have a list of things to do at work; that helps,
Cross them off, shift them up & down the list. All good.
No more nude shares or erotic shares to anyone. Take a break - for myself.
I'm doing it for me - and it's not helping me - it's
avoiding what needs to be done. So take break. I'm diving
impulsively into every opening. I'm 63. Stop. It's not right.
Wed Mar 29.17 nm
Joan sent card with $$ for Stacey. Mom had, too. I am deeply touched.
Dinner tonight with Stacey.
Watched slomo fappening videos/still last night - uncomfortable with
personal stuff, removed audio from some - but yes I am going to look
at nude pretty women. Skinny model's video selfies looking at
herself, barely moving, a professional, her relationship with her
body, what is she seeing? Her body & poses are her job. Fascinating,
haunting - slow it down, add some artifacts and creep music - Art!
Yes - back off, back off - from everyone and everything for a while -
inward healing occurring - attention must be paid.
Chop back east side of front yard foliage - someone already did corner -
it's into neighbor's yard - chop it back this weekend.
Marge & John Sunday? LMI Saturday? They called to say the
problem may be inside.
Almost 3 weeks till WV - plenty of time to mentally prepare, figure out
how to get to airport.
They did Touch of a Clone at memorial - was that partially because
of video we did?
More thought to Shelley -I keep coming back to: she doesn't want us
getting along anyway - or she doesn't see why, after all that's
happened, we can't spent time together anyway. She complained I
didn't chat with her at John Henry's birthday party. How can she not
get that? Dunno. Anyway, nothing is stopping me from visiting Marge
& John. But give up in Shelley - there's no there there.
Likewise with Fred & Nan. If I really had something of value to say to
Fred, it would have gelled by now. And too little return for all the
efort I put into Nan.
Back off. Lock down. Go inside and do what need to be done.
Eggs, Odwalla, toasted bagel, Cappuccino breakfast at nm. At work did QAT
toolbar based on mine, took some work but high value I think. Stayed
late for Global Trainers call. Stayed home - on laptop for hours -
staring at screen all day - Mideast salad ~9:30, and half bag
of jelly beans. 2 small glasses of brandy. Pot.
Tue Mar 28.17 II home pm
Now I get back to my life - and now I begin to feel what it will be like
without my friend, our shared memories - so fucking many - he knew
so many people, was so social, so he was the one, who told me about
Scott's suicide - "Scott Miller committed suicide!" -
ka-BOOM!!! - and how he did it - politics behind Game Theory
rereleases - what various GT alumni/associates - Gui, Shelley,
Donnette, Kristine - were up to - I have not considered that is now
gone, don't seem to care - it was part of he & my shared history, so
a legit subject for discussion, gossip to fill the time, not like I
had anyone else to share it with -
- as distant as we all are from each other - now it will feel more distant
- maybe that's more real. Now maybe, if I do want a relationship
with any of those people, it will have to be one-on-one - not
relying on Gil to fill in gaps, flesh out timelines. Who has
apologized, who has not.
It no longer matters. It's over. Well and way over.
Gil and Scott were Game Theory - at least at their peak - Big Shot, Lolita
- Nan, Fred, Dave, Mike - yes - they were Davis GT, and a more
coherent, experienced band - maybe - in SF Scott called the shots.
Him and me with a video camera - that was a team. All the tour pics and
Man - goddam - we used to laugh about that stuff - fine fun endless
memories - sometimes get high, crack up remembering - things we'd
forgotten - then an old photo, or video clip - Valley of the Cat
Monster - Big Shot/tour vans/Taylor... Scott, Michael, Joe, Dan...
we have video! We had. Now I have it - it doesn't seem
so special, because Gil is not here to share it with me - my partner
in Game Theory media. Fuck.
We didn't talk about that - what I would miss about him - too awful - not
necessary, we knew it without talking about it - but we talked about
everything important. Pretty sure we organically made a point of
So - crisis is over - duty met - now - I don't want to wallow in sadness,
or be any more drama-mama'ish than is organically human. Get on with
it and learn how life is without that man I loved.
Loved. Past tense. Now love those who remain.
Have friended Gil's sibs, nephew, and Stacey's mom-in-law. That feels
right. Shared love and loss. We had intimate, emotional talks at
memorial - so it's okay. I don't recall exact raw words from heart
with his bro - to affect - 'I know there won't be any new Gil
Memories, but I still have all these memories - he doesn't feel
I sit here very sad. This is what it's like.
"Can't get it in!" LOL oh god - Gil. Fucking miss you forever.
Tue Mar 28.17 nm
Up 6:30, shower, smoothie, in early to work
Take a break from selfie/p shares - it's okay, esp now, adjusting to life
without Gil post memorial.. But now stop, settle in, deal with
internal work that needs attention.
Do not ask Tess for artsy nude selfies; do not pursue Suzi as a model.
If I was shooting nudes anyway, in my work - that'd be diff - but this
feels like using my old skills of persuasion, doing uninspired work,
60% for nudies. Don't. In some weird way it is a way of keeping them
at a distance, like noisily acting out at parties etc.
Making video of fappening clips/stills at work. Something to do. Sexual
material to distract. It's okay to use sex and physical pleasure to
distract, entertain when in pain - but - don't mistake it for
anything else, don't drag in others unwilling, or not-invested.
10 days off work, April to see family and visit WV sounds like a good
4 days WEF May.
16 days Oregon June.
Then no planned breaks till Jazz/Blues in Sep - but look for some weekends
WebEx's for LA might be cool.
Back to work, to coast and trails, photos, photoshop. Yard. Books - my
little clever fun comfortable life.
Just lucky - yes, Game Theory, Big Shot, Gil - tours - Taylor St - condo
visits, Rancho Nicasio - sushi - it was fun getting high and
laughing - that faded as we got older - Sapporo - listening - I got
better at listening - ; then after, actions speak louder than words
- I used my public persona - as Photo Robert & friend of Gil's -
to raise money for Stacey. I did okay.
Done patting myself on back? - now - get back to life. Life is also hard
and needs attention.
Mon Mar 27.17 nm
Looks/feels like Sat Gil memorial will help - can't describe, but
feels different - a proper respectful farewell - stunned family
members, weeping friends - members of Scott bands honor a fellow
Scott-band member. There's the link.
Without them, for me Game Theory moves way into the past, as
last living links go. Donnette, Shelley, Gui are alive, but we are
not in each others' lives the way Gil was and to some extent Scott
was - at least, Scott was coming back in, reforming Game Theory,
reaching out for creative happiness and artistic fellowship - then
BAM! yes, I dislike that she for diminished devalued invalidated
Scott's musical career and fans. Made him feel like a failure.
Isolated him. BAM! FLING!!
Then after he died she acknowledges it. Makes his legend her hobby.
Gil & I had a special friendship - shared divorces addictions music videos
- for him I was a best friend, he often mentioned how long we'd
known each other - 30years - I always thought yeah but what about
his high school NC friends he'd known and played with since
childhood - he loved those people! - It matters, I suppose,
that Gil & I were in same town, same house, same tour van, same
timeframe - it's important to spend time together. As I said to Liz
and Ellen at memorial - I was just lucky.
Now it begins to hurt more - feeling it. Duties done. Was there for Gil
and Stacey till end and after; then memorial. That added period on
story. Now we get on with our lives, without Gil, but with his
memories and lessons from his heart.
Sun mainly hung around in bed online, brandy/pen photos to LD, few
small glasses of brandy, called Mom, talked about visit in ~3 weeks
- IM w/K - she's in bad shape emotionally - needs financial help but
right now I don't feel I can do it - drained by Gil/Stacey financial
needs - it sucks but I am not an endless supply of $$, have to
prioritize, also look after myself/comfort level - rained - ~7 went
for sushi - have good salad/soup in fridge but wanted warn sushi
food - had only had bagel/lox breakfast -
Shattuck place where I went with Nan at Scott's memorial
weekend. Nan did not know about Gil memorial! Bummer. She should
have been there, Gui, too, and '88 soundtech Deanne - what happened?
People not on facebook? Should we have done more outreach? So much
going on - but lesson learned - if event of more memorials - more
aggressive targeted outreach.
After sushi/sake - which was just adequate - corner store Ben/Jerry
chocolate dream ice cream - put it in tiny fridge freezer, not
really frozen - got high, ate it all watching slomo Mendo churn
video. Whatever. Meh sushi. Meh ice cream. Meh video. Added up got
me through end of day to sleep well ~10:15 and wake snooze ~6:20.
Back to work. Make a QAT set to share with new hires.
There was talk about a Sunday getogether, but Stacey said she had
headache, really I was fine with a day in bed - like, post-death,
memorial was emotional peak, shared so much with many people - now
cool off, deflate, move on. Last duty done. Now help my friend, his
Sun Mar 26.17 nm
Yeah - well - there's no way to write about yesterday - it was good - my
first event of its kind, seemed to work - getting together with many
people who loved/were loved by deceased, sharing grief, we are not
alone with our pain - plus joy of seeing so many people you enjoy -
giving condolences to others, gaining perspective that others suffer
as much and far more than oneself - widow/family - chance to
reconnect in an other-than-social circumstance - so e.g., Donnette &
I see each other for first time in ~30years and be cordial and
friendly - and the purpose of the event stops old battles from
resurfacing - it was good to see her - I recalled we were good,
loving friends in early 80s - , and can be in same room with Shelley
but with so much else going on we don't need to go any deeper than
surface hug+'hi'. Boom. Done. It is a start.
She mopes and winces, if she wants more I can't tell. <snip 2.5 paragraphs
turning over Shelley soil>. I thought death of one of her parents -
or even death of Gil - might shift ground - but only took us as far
as facebook friends, her 'liking' some of my posts/photos, both
Sat - woke from memorial dream, smoothie, shower, idiot checks,
bring extra snaps/tape/Bruford autobio, framed Rhapsody disco band
pic. Dress jeans & black shirt, work shoes; lv ~8:30 for 9am
Decent parking a block away, beautiful day, tapes in Cammie (CD player
doesn't work?), Neil Young, Guided By Voices - yes, good to have
music/tapes - radio sucks.
Well, food downstairs, everyone helping set up, people start coming in -
everyone - Bradley, Rain Parade, Suzi, Donnette, Shelley, Fred, Dave
Gill, etc etc etc - people from tours, Ellen and Liz, Family,
brother, sister, nephews - Talked to lots of people - more or less
intimate depending - several people mentioned Gil saying I was his
best friend - usually let it slide, w/Liz/Ellen said how odd that
felt, he loved so many people, I have other best friends - what does
it mean? Suggested we had lots of time, did lots of stuff together -
it just means I was lucky. I said to both his sis and brother that
their pain was worse than mine - tho not so directly - alluded to
it, admitting words fail - I think they both were comforted(?) to
Religious stuff from Matthew was good, but oddly comforting just because
so much a part of my youth, didn't bother me enough to spare energy
to push back. No alcohol or cigarettes, met or was officially
introduced to a number of people I've been in same room with, or
taken photos of, or have seen on facebook - that was good. No
cynicism here - they did not express interest because they know I'm
good friend of Gil, so now I'm cool - that's my frightened paranoid
reaction - it was plain and simple innocent interest and bonding in
our shared grief. It was all Good.
I felt a little awkward with Suzi, about wanting to shoot pics, but that's on me
- it's my desire, based on early attraction, that I wanted to work
out, use that energy - so I own it. If I want to shoot - really
really - then I'd organically invest necessary energy, drive
to where she is, get a decent camera, have some ideas/location, work
it out with her in a conversational open-hearted way - but it did
not seem she was very interested, and maybe I'm not. A past pang of
desire is - esp when I am not shooting nudes anymore - not good
grounds to pursue. It was a missed opportunity - I wish we'd shot
back then - but it was never going to work, not then, not now -
there seems to be a personality disconnect - time
has passed. Let it go. A nude would bring me personal closure - I
know because it has helped with e.g., Lynn & Lindy - , but that's
not a good enough reason to take up her time, nor mine, now.
Helped clean up - took pics and videos or performers - explained food
marble/smooth worry stone to a few people - Stacey said, about he & I being best friends,
that Gil told me stuff he
didn't tell anyone else. There was no way for me to know
he was not telling others, he never told me 'I tell you things I
don't tell other people' - or maybe he did - that's kind of private
between he & I - but there's the clue. And I showed him
parts of myself - my artistic process - musically, photographically,
video-editing etc - that no one else saw or sees. Same with Scott.
So there you go. That is real.
Decided against hanging at bar after - home around 4:30 - lovely day, but
emotionally/people-wise drained from day - lots to absorb - I
handled it much better than Scott's memorial. There, I was drinking,
in shock, miles from home in a heavy-with-memories place from my
past - Sac/Davis. Here I was 'home' in a neighborhood I knew well,
in a room I've been (Sean O'Brien did a record release gig there).
For friend, widow and family and friends. So it was okay, tho odd
and like nothing I've experienced nor ever will - there is no one
else to bring us all together the way Gil did, from around country.
He filled us all with his love - his example of charity and forgiveness -
talking to so many people yesterday, that helped. Being able to say
things that are hard or nearly impossible to say - condolences -,
imparting information that might help them - to hear his end was
peaceful, not struggling, that he had loving friends, wife and first
wife, around him, that he knew we were there.
Okay - what a weird day. Like a day out of time. Exactly.
No plans today except maybe getogether at Stacey's?
Drove to Bowl ~7pm, pudding, jelly beans, eggs, soup, salad bar. At home,
bed/pot early - pudding & 1/2 bag of jelly beans slipped past marble
guardian. That's acceptable. Slept okay, sleep early so awake/snooze
early, up ~7:30, smoothie, Nomad.
Call Mom & Sooz today.
A soft whistle and gentle wow. Life. History. Good. My life.
Sat Mar 25.17 bed morning
Vivid dream of memorial, wandering around, many unknown faces,
average old small mansion, halfway through change into my black
shirt after wandering around for a bit shirtless, pissed in clogged
toilet with turds floating (I hear old women outside door saying
someone is probably using the toilet even tho it's clogged), picked
up plunger but toilet drained out before I could use it, looking for
Donnette but don't see her, heading into chapel, see Shelley looking
worried (?) in aisle of her bookstore set-up, into large modern
cathedral high ceiling, pews, piano, large stained glass wall in
back wall throwing colors into room - choose a seat in middle,
stained glass rose like a lifted window letting white light shine
through - then I woke up.
Huh - bed ~10:30 - wake ~7:30 - get to memorial ~9:30.
Fri after work, big load of laundry, Whole Foods for Mideast
salad bad, sushi, eggs, berries.
And here we go. It's going to be great. Helpful. Sad. Okay to be
sad and cry. Do it for Gil. Keep Gil in mind. And Stacey. An as
necessary have a smoke. Don't drink too much. Don't drink at all if
I want to stay happy and cool. Really. Gil would want that. Gil
would want me to be relaxed and happy - he knows how I get in crowds
- nervous, flustered, over-stimulated, inappropriate - be the Man
Gil would have wanted me to me.
Bunch of musicians there and their attention-needing egos. Also
Stacey's & Gil's family and friends. It is about them. Be there for
them. Gil's gone. It's not for Gil. Do it - be at my best -
for myself, and for his loved one.
Wed Mar 22.17 nm
'Healing', return to normalcy continues - Mendo weekend meditation
on Gil by ocean, being in-body by ocean/sky/land helped get centered
in life - less reaching out/erotic art shares by IM to fb lady
friends on fb.
JAA said happy bday, but otherwise silent for months post-intimate
8mm movie still shares. Whatever.
Filled out paperwork/sent in PDFs for Siouxie donation -
pick up early April.
After work: WF Mideast salad bar, cognac, bananas. Ate big salad
8:30 - yum!
Gil memorial boards done, tapes together - remember to bring disco
band frame Rhapsody pic, tape, extra 5x7s, double sided tape.
Stacey send list of needed things, Kate/Joe taking care of list,
family friends helping set up Sat morning. As Stacey said,
I've already done my share with $$/GFM/photos - so I can relax.
Good. I tend towards overstimulation - do what it takes to chill.
Take breaks, smoke cigarettes, maybe a drink or two. It's not about
me - I'm not going to be called out/attacked - grief, lost
friendships, lost love is spread wide - I'm not in any way spot lit,
or suffering more than anyone else. We all loved him. So love and
grieve together as an equal group. Got it? Got it.
Anyone asks - I'm okay - thanks for asking. Don't try to actually
answer, because there is no answer. I don't know how I feel.
The anticipation stress is not bad; there's minor anxiety - don't
blow it up into something it's not - out of 150+ people who will be
there there's maybe 2 who I am not comfortable around - there's
plenty of cushion.
It will be fine. Everything will be fine. Expect tears. Expect it
will be good to see everyone. Expect a lot of love and sympathy.
Give and accept support. Smile. It will go great. I'm peripheral,
where I'm comfortable. I got plenty of attention I need for
day in emergency room, donation to medical costs, GoFundMe, etc.
Remember that. People who matter already know. It's done. It doesn't
need to be mentioned. I was in GFM spotlight for a while, and
comfortable with that because it was a duty - had to be done. I did
not enjoy basking in spotlight. Barely aware of it. But that's real
attention/ appreciation. That hole/need is filled. I can let it go.
I needn't worry about drawing attention to myself, because I had
enough. Relax and be loving as possible. Gil would have wanted that.
Acknowledge my introversion and take occasional
breaks. Eat food.
In early to work for 3hrs/day training new hire - good to' sleep
Call Mom today - weekend will be busy.
Anything else? Getting stuff done - packages mailed,
donated, taxes sent in, WV plane tickets/car rental
done - need to get Pgh hotel for flight day evening. Stopped nightly
snacks & cigarettes - glad they did not become habitual/was so
clearly Gil related. I'm sipping alcohol in evenings, but so far not
overdoing it, and that will likely also drop away.
So yeah - body aches almost entirely over - looking forward to
seeing L on WEF weekend, however it goes. Not looking forward to
flying/being away from home, but looking forward to seeing
Mom/sisters in WV, visiting beautiful WV. Seeing the old
neighborhoods is enjoyable and wild, adult amusement park, my dreams
in real life. Contact
Bodkins to drop in for an hour and say hi.
I think that's it.
Reading wiki etc articles - starting Chandler's Lady In The lake
Life is good.
Pre-memorial anxiousness is normal and fine, because I know event
itself will go smoothly. To extent I want special attention for my
friendship with Gil, there will be 100+ other people who had special
relationships, brother, sister, wife, bandmates, etc. Let us all
share our grief and good-byes together, and support each other.
LMI seems to have phone fixed, but wifi/landline to laptop signal
weak, cutting in/out, very weak when it is there at all. Call tolet
Tue Mar 21.17 home 8:33pm
In early m-w to train new hire, another 2hr train this afternoon -
I'm getting good feedback from trainees, saying this is very
valuable, excited about tips etc.; new global HR guy working for
Steven T - good people to impress, plus I dig it, hearing that I'm
Got some things done: Called WEF hotel to confirm room, booked
flights/car rental for WV visit, taped pics to boards for Gil's
memorial - got paperwork to donate Siouxie, set up VM on phone - I
think, - looking into texting - seems like I have 3 diff options and
they may conflict - urgh. Landline seems to work now, but no
internet - call tomorrow. Called Sooz tonight, got through but they
were in middle of negotiating house sale so quick hi/goodbye.
Finished Chandler's Farewell, My Lovely - great stuff!
Bday cards from Mom, Shirley & Lo.
I miss mornings free, but dig getting of with daylight. Dropped by
dispensary to see about Mendo-style hi-CBD painkiller - nope. Body
feeling much better - weakness in loins/knees almost absent, left
arm mainly fine with minor flare-ups.
Get hotel by airport for Pgh visit.
Donate Siouxie before WV trip!
Train trip weekend after next - after memorial. It'll be fine. No
one is going to target me. I am not a bad guy. Plus, people know he
& I were close, so they aren't presumably going to go after me. Note
my timidity - I assume I hold high place in some peoples' animosity
- but aside from Shelley, & maybe Kristine, there's no reason to
think so. Many of the people I will be glad to see. People will be
wanting to tell funny stories, it will be about Gil, not me. So
fucking relax, do it for Gil & Stacey, leave myself out of it. Our
individual feelings for Gil are personal, no need to share.
He's gone for good, now we get on with the rest of our lives, we
care for his widow.
Life is good.
Last night got high, watched slo-mo Mendo headlands videos -
visually lovely but mentally boring - my mind leans towards
self-analysis to kill time. Ugh.
Hey - and - take a break from sending erotica to friends - mainly
let's say it - lady friends. It's cool - an occasional break may
keep it from becoming habitual momentum on my side, boring on
theirs. Just saying.
Sun Mar 19.17 hm bed 8:55pm
Feel good considering I don't think I slept well Sat pm(?) -
sleep ~10? Wake ~5, snooze till 7'ish, smoothie, cinnamon roll,
shower - hotel 'breakfast' coffee - MacKerricher ~9 - foggy, road
washed out, walk from lake lot, under overpass, pine grove path -
not the same without sun, but fresh air, sound of ocean, birds -
maybe I'm just not in escapist youthful forests places for drugs,
partying, privacy, sex - memories - time for duty -
Getting clarity about Gil - for one, I'm/I was more upset than I
realized(?), stress of months of illness - and to think I had only
the tiniest taste of what Stacey (and Mom, etc.) went through. Still
- stress was the norm, and now I'm coming back into my body and my
life, which is good. He's gone.
My life now.
Anyway - it was beautiful fog lakes - headlands coffee shop for
breakfast burrito hit spot, coffee to go, stop in Northcoast gallery
but nothing caught my eye - sole fell off left boot but there was
another beneath it - re-soled! Clever! Mendo headlands, low tide but
splashy, cool birds - lv town ~12:30. Cruise control is my friend,
and light traffic - got some sunlight in Boonville, stopped for
coffee I didn't need, wanted to sit, chill, check laptop - SR ~3:15
- drive around checking for appealing food, JoJo's sushi, we had
soup and appetizers, 1.5 sakes - that worked - Eric had done 10miles
in Pt Reyes Sat - glad to hear he got out.
Book store for Elmore Leonard, Chandler - got him Hammett
collection with Thin Man. Went through hi-CBD pain killer flower and
pills. Cruise control home @70 - not having speedometer in Siouxie,
took more effort, this is good.
K - I'm good at training - I do the extras: West Coast photos,
facepages, video editing, templates, events, lunchtime mtg photos -
yet no raise? Seriously Robert - stop giving 100% - 95% is enough at
63, where to cut back? Just slow down. Take care of myself. I'm a
gold. An institution. And a damn good worker. Bam!
Buff said LMI guy came by. AT&T screwed up, still no connection.
Nasturtium crowding sidewalk, need to cut back. Large spiky plant in
front too big, but beginning to flower - wait till it done before
cutting back. Yard is going to explode after all the rain.
Last weekend: Sonoma loop/backroads, Olampoli. This weekend
Mendo/Bragg. Good. Sat meditating on Gil was heavy, necessary,
Sat Mar 18.17 Bragg hotel bday weekend
Stop by Eel River, must've flooded, large tree debris - on coast
stop at first pullover/trail, walk out onto peninsula, sit, meditate
on Gil, cleans negativity from my body & mind, get clear - let go -
it was wonderful, it is past - take care of the living. Sushi in
car, some rain - never very hard, steady into Mendo love
Cammie - what a great drive.
Dispensary with knowledgably but pushy young women - get low-thc &
moderate THC, two types of CBD edibles - tried hi-CBD and may have
helped with arm/joint aches - pics/videos of headlands churn - walk
south - some whale spouts - visit several galleries, corner science
store - buy decent binoculars ~$140.
All day feeling a bit weak, stomach not right - combination of
rough sleep, busy work, general stress and no doubt Gil's dying;
hard to pinpoint where that pain is, but some concern that body
aches indicate I'm holding some of it in - trying to be strong -
better to have a good cry sometime.
Hang in car at headlands just watching overcast glaring sun ocean -
enjoying sound, relaxing - eating food I brought. Talking to phone,
asking when sun sets, if certain sleep-aid drugs are addictive -
damn. Cool. ~5 head to Bragg, easy check in, room near where I
almost always am - which I dig.
Redwoods college parking lot - total cloud-over - doesn't matter -
this is about some quiet alone time for me in a place I love and
Bought a plate to eat salad bar and combs. Also mendo buffet and
mini-chocolate cake. :-D
Good day I didn't - don't - want to end - parts of mind never woke
up, but with good food, fresh air, relaxed attitude, focus, it was
all okay - I was/a, present enough to feel fulfilled.
Throughout day, IM's/shared pics with K, Lo - Nan's daughter etc.
Need to check in w/Eric about tomorrow.
Took a stronger edible indica pill, set timer for 70mins.
Phone frees me from running to wifi cafe's throughout day to check
in, upload photos, get information and such. That's very cool - huh.
8:32pm - tomorrow bday - 63 - 2 more to go, if I want. But maybe
never retire if I'm enjoying my life/job etc? Figure visit
MacKerricher in morning, gallery with ceramicist I like, headlands,
then sushi w/Eric. The usual. Or - something else.
Happy birthday to me! :-)
Sat Mar 18.17 Boonville cafe
Overcast, sposed to rain on coast - but want drive, trip, locale,
alone time, yes - this trip - like a driven labyrinth - settles my
mind - beautiful - sunshine would be preferable, but up to me to
bring my own.
Busy work continues, next week train new dept hire, get loaned cam
Fri called Mom from work; after: cinnamon roll on Market,
pick up memorial photos, call Sooz leave msg, sip Amaretto, Shattuck
art store on Shattuck black foam core/double-sided tape, BerkBowl
sushi/soup, @home small beach pebbles into Robin's glass jar to fill
settled pebbles space, larger pebbles into yard - DJ asks me in for
corned beef/cabbage - have to say yes to that! - yummy good! Brandy
- give them 1/3 bottle Amaretto - too sweet for me - fun chat, DJ's
hair looks good short.
Rough sleep - restless locked brain - nothing to do, but think I
slept some, up at 6am alarm, 3-egg smoothie, shower wash/hair, pack
clothes/toiletries/food/electronics - to car in on trip. No Nomad.
80 @7:02am - 70mph up 101 - Boonville ~7:05 - cappuccino/muffin -
posted to fb on phone.
The phone addiction. Consider it.
Last minute $100 Bragg hotel last night - whale fest this weekend.
Had a list - memorial supplies, call Mom/Sooz/groceries etc and got
it all done. List on dry/erase at home, got all that done. Cool.
Use the facilities here then hit road to coast. Nice. Relaxing.
1/2 box of WF sushi on way up helped some, coffee & muffin helped
more, body pains mostly gone, some knee/hip tenderness, left elbow
still tender/weak/painful sometimes - but I've had other body pains
over years, they go away. Cammie much easier to drive, power
steering a breeze, lots of cruise control on highway, made trip a
Back on flossing - eating good food make morning digestive a
Okay - now - drive - redwoods -
Thu Mar 16.17 II home 8:30pm
IM'ing w/K today, about Gil & everything - she noted, during days
around Gil's death: "You took care of registration, Stacey, me, Gil"
that was nice to hear - also leaking roof, Sooz leaving, accepting
Cammie from Sooz - I was saying how it felt good to be taking care
of day-to-day tasks again, bills, eating right, AARP - specifically
donating Siouxie to Planned Parenthood - called today; they're
mailing me paper work.
Heard from LMI, still no phone signal tonight - sigh.
Sent pics to Wal-Mart, called art supplies place - they have 20x30
Groceries after work - WF, including Amaretto - very sweet - agh!
Re-typed to-do list at work, 2 trainings coming up, plus starting
to train new guy mornings next week.
Weird Hawaiian tendril flower blossoming in front yard.
Lindy IM'd says wants to talk. Talk? On phone? Okay.
People at the memorial will be there for their own purposes - I
have nothing to do with them, very few are in my day-to-day life -
in fact - none. All connected long in the past. Brings up old
feelings, many not good. We were young, arrogant, assholes. Let it
go. That can lead to reaction of bitterness and isolation. My
friendship with Gil is my own, and theirs' is their own. No heavy
talk. Bring a pack of cigarettes. Cry if I need to. Ni displays.
Nothing will come of it - no reconnections, no renewed friendships,
no breakthroughs. Let it be - let any feelings of comfort, like oh
there may be an opening flourish after fact - not during. Do it for
Gil. Do it for Stacey. Not for me. Shit, I was there for the last
few years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes - he was fucking
conscious. He knew he was dying. WTF.
I'm feeling better already about it - everyone will be a little
freaked out - on our best behavior -
- by time it rolls around I'll probably be fine. Help with set-up.
Enjoy music. Take a few photos. Say hi to whomever. Keep it light.
It feels like a big deal - but - well, we'll see. It's not as big a
deal as being in the room with him. So I don't expect a bunch of
closure. That's what I'm trying to say.
Call LMI about phone/Internet not working
Art supply store
Scan pics and send them and photo files to lab for blow-ups.
Call donation place for Siouxie/Planned Parenthood
All while working full-time on huge 239pg job.
Ate at GreenBar fruit, veggies, fish.
Reading Farewell, My lovely
Downloaded/printed Perelman parody
Downloaded Verison phone manual
Saw in booklet that came with phone instructions for setting up
Yeah yeah yeah. Quite a bit actually.
Get tickets and car for WV. It's ~5 weeks away.
Thu Mar 16.17 nm
Work remains busy - scanned Gils disco band Rhapsody's pic - came
out of frame fine - copy for Pat. Still need to scan 4 pics, then
choose ~40, send to Walmart on corner for 5x7s. 20-30" black
Friday after work.
Wed night cheese/bread, divvied up paperwork - file tax
papers, collect car papers for Siouxie donation - I realize I don't
want to let her go -sentimentally attached, but must do it -
I'm good with Cammie now.
AARP papers to look through - plane & car discounts? Look into it.
Why not - make it part of everyday discounts - time will come if I
live long enough it may become the norm - like getting used to phone
- backed it up into Google, if phone lost can download into new one
Downloaded phone manual -
- for all I know I'll be in the cottage, at Bain for next 5 years.
If I retire at 65 (in 2 years) I could work part-time & collect SS,
too, I think.
Missed Xoxo's Sooz/Me account rollover - call Sooz to work out
K suffering, troubled, freaked, about house, court, etc. :-( Xoxo's
hair growing back after being shaved for lice.
Yest Stacey needed better hi-res of Gil portrait, found it
in backup - scanned at work - backed up in somewhat organized backup
Don't talk about it - don't drag it into every conversation -
ultimate world question is not "How is Robert doing?"
- Robert is alive and well - no complaints - my friends need my time
focus energy love - bring it -
Farewell My, Lovely is fun as hell - still thinking, send
Gil prints in today, foam core Fri - maybe get pics back
Fri? - I can start laying them out, do a relaxing Bragg
overnight, sushi w/Eric on way home. I could do with an Bragg
overnight. Esp this time of whale year. Get hotel in advance!
Phone woke me up again ~2am - some snort sound - took 1 hoit and
back to sleep okay. Sex dream about Lo.
I think I woke yest morning from dream of trip with Gil &
Shelley(?), But I got ahead and was on train (?) alone when woke up
- still , pretty sure it was a Gil dream.
Talked to phone last night - asked how to get to Starry Plough,
then show map and tell me how - also set alarm last night with voice
commend - this could become addictive - feels real natural. Becomes
a game of tag to keep battery charged.
Wed Mar 15.17 nm
Thing about last weekend - it felt like first time - sure there'll
be lots of firsts upcoming - that I went out doing my normal
self-healing this is who I really am Robert things - driving Russian
River loop Guerneville but more important time by ocean, walk in
surf - and Olampoli woods shadows scent of Bay leaves earth creeks -
knowing Gil is gone, things I wanted to share with him and mostly
did - Olampoli, Rancho Nicasio music - we never did do Salt Point,
but that's a long pain in ass drive drive, esp. after bone cancer
diagnosis - and he saw plenty of photos -
All shared photos, of him, my trips, he enjoyed so much - that was
a fun thing with Gil & Scott both.
This last weekend I felt something for the first time - my life
without Gil - life with certainty of death unavoidable - my life has
been easy, but lots of time spent avoiding that awareness - whereas
so many friends and family - Dad, Mom, Gil, Eric, Karen - have known
death long ago, early in life. Did that give them an edge of sad
kindness, forgiveness, not getting caught up in pettiness? Will I
The thing about the weekend - is how serious it felt - and how
after, lately I've been IM'ing with fb friends, mostly cool - some
flirty vibe - flirty like giggle about sexual stuff - ,
sharing/discussing erotic art - after weekend desire for that
outreach/contact disappeared. That's what changed, but I'm not sure
why. Maybe friendly chatting erotica shares are avoidance, but alone
by coast or in woods alone by myself being my truest deepest self
there's no avoiding, so IM'ing feels useless, unappealing - not
IM'ing but the banter - it's good - but not driven to do it, it does
not fill a hole. So. Okay. Still a soft landing considering -
compared to so many other deaths.
Just me, who I am, not Dad, Gil, Karen or anyone else - always
there will be greater and lesser then myself.
It's not all about me.
Good stuff done yesterday, stopped after for cinnamon roll on
Market. Waving the marble over all snacks first. Reminder of core
lovable loving self.
Cottage org, clean-up, books to thumb through all beginning to
happen organically again.
Missed calls to Mom and Sooz - do that. Important to me and them.
B-day overnight in Bragg?
I'm okay. It's okay. It's okay in evening to sip brandy, hit pipe
2x, read comics - last night Jaime Hernandez Love & Rockets
hardbound collection. Fun relaxation - don't take life so seriously
- there is no God, no heaven, no afterlife. Enjoy what we got best
we can while we got it. Be good. Be kind. It works in current
Mail Karen package
Write thank you note to Shirley.
Note to Mom with photo of Oroville dam - or send to Beth and ask
her to print for mom.
Plane tickets & rental car for WV April. $ weeks to go - do it.
It's be fine. Everything is going to be aright.
Tue Mar 14.17 rocking chair 7:42pm
Busy at work, and getting used to lost daylight savings time hour -
Called LMI about dead phone, they'll look into it/give $$ back for
days without; did/mailed both Federal & State taxes ~$1.3K back;
paid $60 parking ticket; dropped by Verizon shop/flip phone #s
ported over - need to get VM working - download online manual.
Been better about food - stopped gorging anyway - 5-6 bags of
peanuts and some breath mints - but no breakfast cereals with banana
Body aches come and go, but when I'm not paying attention they are
Started Farewell, My Lovely from Buff.
Helloes to K and Lo - about discomfort around memorial - make it
about serving Stacey, for Gil. Yeah, that'll do. Do it for Gil and
Tomorrow donate Siouxie, and mail Karen's roll package; send
Stacey/Gil's pics for glossy 5x7s. Get black board, glue this
Sigh. Life is good.
Mon Mar 13.17 bed am
Non-stop weekend - after Sonoma coast/backroads Sat, Sun
Olampoli - stop downtown Novato for Whole Foods pork breakfast
burrito, box of salmon salad bar for later - eat most of burrito on
WF porch, coffee to go from corner spot - finish burrito at park.
North orchards grass cut so walked across to far side, explore
trees, rock formations, steep hill climbing through thick grasses -
good exercise, beautiful sunny day, then slow stroll 3.5mile loop
with stops, sits, play with phone - good signal even up on hill.
Nice. Up a hill to field Becky and I sunbathed on once -
- nap/meditate leaning against tree, climb to top of nearby hill -
good to see my body is asking for nutrition and willing to do
exercise - deep greens, tree shadows on trail, took my mind off Gil
tho feeling is always there - use GPS to drive home through
backroads - everything green and beautiful -
- Solano coffee place Gil hung at - it is nice! - Odwalla and
1-shot cappucino - Stacey's to find photos for memorial boards -
Home ~9am - sleep ~11 - working on pics from Olampoli.
Thing is Gil is dead, but is so much of him/us in my heart, in my
life, memories and self-image etc - I get there won't be more
created with him, but he hardly feels gone.
Groggy - no Nomad - 8:25 - check internet, smoothie, shower, work.
Many things this weekend - getting my life back.
Sun Mar 12.17 nm
Kinda non-stop, Thurs North Concord walk home, Fri
busy work, laundry/groceries, Sat up 6am for Sonoma/backroads
drive with many stops at familiar places reclaiming my mental spaces
diversion delights - but a little more serious now. Gil's death
unsettles things that were not settled but were looked away from. I
could die tomorrow, but Gil's death still matters right now.
Still my life and no one else's. Get down to it.
Sleep ~10? Survived couple glasses of brandy. Daylight savings ends
so 8am feels like 7am. Okay - got it.
9:09am now - Leave for Olampoli ~10? Get some food together. I want
Sat Mar 11.17 II home
So yes - up @6am, Gville blog/coffee, cross bridge, river high,
music fest site submerged, explore new-ish path/park below, visit
fest site deck view, Safeway cob salad in parking lot, flea mkt -
nice morning - coast ~11? Heavy fog but sunny above, no wind. Goat
Rock area - path from parking lot to ocean, stroll, get pebbles for
yard/Robin's jar, brought one of his marbles for luck/focus - when I
want snacks I put that desire past marble first. Like strong around
finger. Reminder. Found oddly pitted black flat pebble to rub
physical & mental pain into - when joint/leg/arm aches direct it
into the rock. If the pain is psychological/grief-based, then use
tricks to control it psychologically.
Being by ocean was lovely, beautiful morning/noontime walking,
breathing - just being there - I missed it, I missed who I am
when I'm there - clear, happy - skipped some rocks - limbs felt fine
coming up and down steep hill.
Sushi lunch looking at ocean - IM'd Karen, Lori, Stacey, myself -
internet signal on coast strong enough to send photo! Cool.
Stopped in Bodega junk shop, Hitchcock Birds house - Tomales for
coffee to go, 7miles west to Dillon beach, finished sushi
overlooking beach - on way back stopped at too-windy big rock
formations. Backroads inland - lovely - everything green from rain -
this is green time of year, maybe Olampoli tomorrow? 6pm Stacey to
choose Gil pics for memorial.
Rancho Nicasio to pee, Tommy James book to counter guy, leave Blaze
of Glory CDs/LPs -
Halfway to hwy 101 on road high point, set up GPS to home - talked
to it - voice recog seems very accurate - sent myself spoken VMs -
GPS worked, but voice did not continue - stopped at Urban Ore for
brandy glasses, also got a big ceramic colorful off shell thing to
put plants in - poked at GPS app, started working, got me home.
Cool. Mission accomplished,
Mainly got phone for texting and GPS - still need to work out
kinks, but basically cool - a handy tool - I noted, I do not have to
stop at places with wifi to contact people on laptop now - cell
phone does it. It is android, not iPhone.
At home, Filthy Cock soap bars arrived, also Inspirations CD from
Australian rocker Claude with (Big Shot/San Diego) Colleen on cover.
What a full day - Gville and history there - music fest with Eric -
years of visits before that! - ocean - texting from coast - path to
and fro beach - pebbles for yard & Robin's vase - food/appropriate
clothing etc intuitive - phone stuff, texting/GPS working - first
coast trip in Cammie - marble/flat pebble dealing with grief
pain/eating right - The Birds town shop - Tomales/Dillon beach -
backroads - Rancho Nicasio - GPS experiment - brandy glasses and
cool plant holder from Urban Ore -|
Now sitting in rocking chair after 2 small drinks of this strong
brandy - stop now - it's clear and pretty, in a clear glass -
Gil was a good friend. Naturally I am honored and surprised he
called me best friend, I think of his friends from home, and band
friends, and wonder how it fits - obviously he loved them dearly -
he often mentioned how long we'd known each other - it's not, as
Karen said, a hierarchy - 'best friend' is a phrase we use to
mean something else - it means above and beyond, but not exclusive -
you add things up, experience/time - someone is your best friend,
someone else is also your best friend - if you have more than one
then how fucking blessed are you - some people have no friend at
I don't think it needs much or any more analysis - it's a phrase -
it just means you are special and I love you, I can count on you.
I'm glad he felt he could count on me to be there for him. It's a
Geez - well - yes - okay - face it - today was a day for myself -
but - today was also all about Gil - it is all about Gil 24/7, for
years, - now - and for a long time. Whatever I want it to be, or
think it is - it is about Gil for now. It is honoring some space in
At some point tho, I may need to take reins, take steps to move on
into my life purely. Living people need my love, not a dead friend.
I gave Gil all the love I had for him while he was alive.
Death. What a bummer. hahaha
Sat Mar 11.17 Gville coffeebazarre
Taking/needing a day to myself doing what I want/like - taking
pleasure in nature, a drive, green March rain-soaked California
hills, foggy Russian River valley - driving the new Sooz car is a
Us three old men sitting next to each other at Gville CoffeeBzazzar
- haha. Foamy milk cappuccino. Afterward walk across bridge, Safeway
flea mkt. IM'd hello on cell to Lo & K. Working out the place in my
life for permanent 24/7 cell phone - how to backup in case I lose
it. After getting rid of Siouxie don't forget to cancel insurance!
Carrying Robin marble to help focus on not eating garbage - despite
to eat garbage goes through marble first.
Gil - not simple matter of learning, grieving, waiting,
compartmentalizing - there's many facets - much sorting out to do -
overall grief, end of memories sharing - change of respective about
past and life in general - sorting out my life pleasures -life is
grand and beautiful, I have great musical memories, continue to
create more at Rancho Nicasio/annual Jazz/Blues weekend with Eric -
standard lower middle class enjoyments - time spent together is
But yeah - this Gil business is multifaceted, changing,
transforming, time-taking, may cast a gloom over all for a while or
forever - maybe not complicated - I get it - he died, as we all do -
I know he's gone - general sadness, but no specific events/memories
that bring tears - maybe that's what the memorial is for, an event
to mark passing, try to make sense of it; shared grieving, let it
all out with people who are having same sense of pain and loss. Yes.
That's why we have these events. It's so sad - we need a way, a path
to let it out - to pour it out/experience past the
intellectualizing, reasoning, philosophizing. You spend your while
life preparing for death; when it arrives you still have no idea
what to do about it. That's why we need - this other.
So no - figuring it out is not part of the process.
The sadness will be part of my life, will help me see beauty and
what is important more, will help me get serious - will not stop me
from loving and enjoying life - we all carry sorrow - none of us
would seek it out and enjoy it - but it comes with the territory,
and accepting it, accepting the gifts it brings, is part of human
k - sleep ~10:30 - cannabis helped me sleep all night, set alarm
for 6:16, but turned it off sometimes during the night - still woke
up at 6am, groggy, cranky, didn't want to go, but trusted I'd be
glad if I did, check email/facebook, smoothie, shower - yes -
showers becoming essential daily thing - bring sushi/pjb/silverware,
hat, boots (wearing OR sandals) - Stacey IM'd about Gil pics -
tomorrow or some weekday evening - stop ~Nomad ~7 for coffee to go
in Cammie cup holder.
2hrs later here I am - considered sushi w/Eric after ocean, but
backroads will be nice.
Did not seriously consider bringing pot. Pot intoxication,
intoxication in general, becoming thing of past/youth - tho I did
get $30 bottle of clear fruit brandy @WF and poured into Shirley's
crystal holder, but did not taste it. Pot as sleep aid is excellent.
But consider alternative sleep ritual habits.
Suppose I am in cottage for next 5 years. That would be great. It's
cool I live in a situation I enjoy this much - job, location,
people, cottage -, that works for us all.
Yes - gratitude.
Shaving balls in prep for WEF.
9:13 - let's go outside. :-)
Fri May 10.17 laundry
Thurs pm sleepy, decided to try no cannabis - dang - 1am
wide awake - new dinging cell might be a cause - 2 hits, half a
valium, cannabis infused candy - I think I slept, but it was
dreamy/20% awake/very groggy morning. So much for that.
Busy at work again, me in a daze, met potential new hire, would
train him for 2-11 slot starting April, so he'll have 2 weeks before
I go on vacation. It'll be rough - and it'll be rough when other
people go on vacation and I'm 1/2 alone. Maintain my boundaries
about what is do-able/acceptable, don't try to be two supermen -
just doing my best I am already indispensible superman. Bam! I rock!
During interview it came up I do photography, training, templates,
attend CSS events, etc. Uh, fuck yeah.
Slowed down after lunch - packaged/mailed Karen's Peet's coffee,
Monopoly set with jelly beans and paper stuff from book faire; also
last If I Was A Punk I'd Kill Myself poster to Gavin - so bad - idea
and lettering (Jerry!), but photo is good, and it is drenched in
history - Gavin should have it.
After wk, N Concord train - achy joints, I don't feel agile,
decided to try it - finished Gil's Bruford autobio on train - that
was good shit - pop music business culture I grew up with revealed -
oof! 35min walk home fine - Nomad guy sees me walking by, offers me
free cup of coffee. Thank you. I Said no, forgot to say thank you -
say thank you next time I see him. Manners. And - nice - right?
Neighborhood. Community. :-)
Nothing from Lindy.
LR sent a bunch of pics/JB vid last week, today sent a bunch of
individual descriptions of what was represented in photos; I sent
back section of slo-mo zoomed video clip.
Thinking about coast tomorrow or Sun - a drive in backroads
and stroll by ocean might be nice yes. Check in w/Stacey first about
which Gil pics to use. Let her choose day.
Savings ~58/53 - so much I've given away, those to whom much is
given, much will be required - I feel I have been given much -
earned some - but not on my own. And what are friends for. I forced
$$ on Gil & Stacey. Let it be. Let it go. everything will be okay.
An extra $30K more or less isn't going to make a fuckload of
difference, but it makes a lot of difference to e.g., Karen and Xo,
Eric and Stacey now.
I'll be fine.
After laundry, Whole Foods for berries, food for tomorrow's drive?
Need to call Sooz. & Mom. Talk to Stacey. Then taxes & Siouxie.
Getting those packages mailed feels good. Things going well.
Body aches grief-related. Just keep walking. Look into some
non-cannabis herbal sleep aids. Half psychological anyway. Try
Got the Harley-Quinn & Poison Ivy comic collection yesterday. Fun.
It's a good sign, I'm enjoying work, fun - trained an MA Thurs and
had a good time - telling them about Frida with gun and Game Theory
is a good ice breaker.
Thu Mar 9.17 nm
Slept ok - 10:30-5:30, snooze till 7.
This feeling of - something I ought to be doing?
Pics of Gil for memorial - that's main tension point. Coming up.
Also may need to come up with another grand for expenses? K&Xo need
some, too. But okay - this priority is understood.
Mail K's Monopoly box/coffee etc
Get rid of Siouxie
Tickets/rental car for WV
I think that's it. Pics of Gil first thing - must be done! Memorial
in ~2 weeks.
Rest is soft deadline, easy - knowable, doable - for memorial must
make choices - visit Stacey this weekend to choose?
Mailed Sac Shayne's storage drive back, again with sincere thanks -
he digitized '86 GT Hoboken/New Haven vids, & Philadelphia '88 -
posting those plus complete GT photo rolls (including Gil Lolita
Nation roll) to Scott fb group avoided regrets - no wishing he could
have seen more after he'd expressed interest - slideshow turned out
not to be necessary really - we've seen them dozens of times - they
are/were known; but I'm glad to have bought the projector and
carousels - why not? Now I know, without shared viewing experience,
standalone they don't mean much, they are a means for people who
were there to share and re-bond. But - that was - 30years ago. Let
For me - I'm feeling the loss - feels like end of GT golden
memories - but, Gui, Donnette, Shelley etc were there too - Nan,
Fred etc - no sense rushing to milk those contacts, but they may
vine and develop into more meaningful connections now that close
ones, ones nearby, long-time playmate collaborators are gone. Gil &
Scott - leaves a big yawning gap. Do not fill it with anything.
Replace nothing with nothing.
Spring's a'coming - time for outdoors, walks, hikes, good food,
lighter body -
Looking forward to WV - no pressure - let people know what's up.
Tell Anne & Beth.
LR enjoyed slomoJB vid segment, asked for another diff section.
Wed Mar 8.17 nm
Slept okay - ~11-6:30 - OPIK LRY dreams - showers etc -as painfully
awkward as adolescence is, it was me hopes of a group of friends -
fuck religious youth - religion is a social club first and foremost.
In the dream it was showers - I gave dozens of backrubs, said to
girls let's take a shower, innocent enough - and they did. It gave
me hope - and sexual situations without intimacy of intercourse I
was not ready for. Etc. yeah. Cool. Grateful. Rose colored glasses -
because I see beneath the difficult reality to what it reprinted -
like the imperfect grasping connection to Scott/game Theory - it was
all I had - I needed it desperately - so like all us human being, I
did what I needed to survive in this imperfect world.
I am just like everyone else, other outsider creatives, dork, loser
etc. Compared to? people with more. Then envy & bitterness.
And envy and bitterness is normal, too. Don't punish myself for
things that don't matter, I have enough. I'm happy.
I told Gil to make amends - wonder if he did - that he had serious
shit to deal with, don't punish yourself for things that don't
matter - drinking too much around people/musicians he met at gigs.
Straight-faced I said to he & Stacey "I never got drunk and made an
ass of myself, so I have no advice for you."
OPIK dreams - warm fuzzies - a sense of place, a network, a group -
hitchhiking around Ohio/PA/New England - staying with people, and in
churches - and later in 1974, hitchhiked to Ann Arbor with Anne
Newman, went to local Unitarian church and mentioned LRY and
churches, and they let us stay there, in a room used for kids
groups(?), while we job-hunted and found a shared space. I don't
recall anything about the room - just the woman, she had a kid?
Bagel place we went to every day, they hired Anne, and sort of had
to hire me, too - me day, her evening. They liked her - no one liked
me. That's how it seemed, I was surly and crazy, needed lots of
attention, not-socialized/housebroken, not that bright. Fine. Super
Skipping ahead - it was all difficult till ~42 DUI and a few
friends came to aid, I accepted that my loose/crazy/selfish strategy
had failed, I got more open to people, other ideas, value of
religion, AA, etc.
I think Shelley is selfish and that's part of the problem, but shit
I artistic etc also selfish needy needing attention. Give it up. Let
But - Scott and Gil are gone now. Now what? Were they all ? Can't
be. No. Let go.
Scott was brains, Gil heart; we clustered together around Scott's
talent and Gil's making us laugh and feel loved.
Scott & Gil were glue at heart of Game Theory. Scott and Gil
Game Theory. Not to take away other contributions.
There will be a memorial. It will be fine. Be as open and loving as
I am - don't intentionally hold back - it's a musical community,
family, bands, etc - there will be rock egos, ex's, grieving widows
- competitions for who loved him best. Everyone knows we were best
friends, but no one misses him like Stacey, and Wynn, and his family
- I am back in line somewhere. Let it go. Don't beat up in myself
about things that don't matter.
It's okay - all I feel is okay - it's good manners is not to
discuss it - no one wants to hear other peoples' mess. Unless it's
put to music and there's alcohol.
Anyway - warm fuzzy OPIK summer camp dreams mixed-gender
showers - every time I find comfort and pleasure there (or in any
rose colored memories), I do not have to say 'Yes, but life sucks,
so pleasure is a delusion.' - it's understood, we are going to die,
other people have things we want - get over it - take pleasure where
it is. I was lost lonely rejected by schoolmates and family; I
rejected them as delusional non-creative religious idiots - but -
sometimes there was relief from pain, hope, social network vs. total
isolation & depression at school. A sense of self from LRY.
Counterculture methods of showing rejection of evil vicious world,
politics, judgmental insulting sarcastic Catholic father, etc.
There was LRY, hitchhiking, Berkeley, women who took me in - Anne
Newhall, Adrienne Chapman - sorry, girls, I was a damaged crazy
selfish nihilistic angry asshole. Sorry. Sincerely, Robert (aka Joy
I thought I might have better luck w/Shelley - but two selfish
artists - uh, well, we tried. I think we loved each other. but come
down to it. Selfish. And like men want to keep women/wife, she
wanted to keep me - ? I dunno. I'm gonna analyze and understand
something that began 30years ago and ended 20 years ago, when I was
~30-40yrs old? I don't think so!
"I don't know anything about women!" (Sam Spade / Maltese falcon).
It is all going to be okay.
Body weakness, hip pain gone - but pain in left arm worse? mainly
elbow, but moving up arm now - Goggled heart attack symptoms - if it
was something other than a sprain (?) it would always hurt, not just
when I move it or rest my weight on it. Could it be carpal tunnel
Dentist yesterday - brief - no floss of polish - 3yrs since x-ray -
next time in September - all good but bleeding below gums - I
haven't been flossing, get back on it. Healthcare another good
reason to stick with this job.
I don't want to quit! Love my job! But do expect respect, which I
did not feel from Taf, nor from head admin guy now - IB - but since
I feel it from everyone else, from EAs, to Admin depts, trainees,
Consulting staff, Managers/Partner, head of office Neil & Global
folks - then why should I be concerned about Stressed out Admin
head? I am high-value in department as well - so - fuck caring about
respect from this one guy - really doesn't matter - I don't need
his respect - he did not stop me from getting camera, saying no to
one-day LA trips, taking vacations. He has no power over me. It's in
my head I need to let go of knee-jerk resentments, imagined
'bosses'. Is is not real. A symbolism. Distracts me from all
goodness in my life.
There is much goodness in my life.
Focus on the goodness.
Accentuate the positive.
Tue Mar 7.17 nm
What is going well?
Health seems good, plenty of food, savings decent, roof not
leaking, yard beautiful, aloe fordry skin, car working well,
planning days off work in advance, credit card for rental car etc,
rent paid - so next 2 paychecks ~34 will bring savings to good
place, mild anxieties are the usual ones - living in big city,
difficult jobs come into work, trip to WV includes normal stress of
getting to airport/delays/crowding etc -
- where I live is great! Laundromat on corner, Nomad wifi cafe,
Berkeley Bowl 5min walk, downtown Berkeley 5min drive or 30min walk,
book stores, restaurants, hospital, etc. Starry Plough/cannabis
dispensary up street, BART 6min walk, Oakland airport nearby,
computer toys photoshop - cameras, negative scanner at work,
near-perfect job doing graphics, photos, a few specialized projects
that keep job secure, all the training I enjoy, health benefits,
25days off/year & holidays. Same job for ~18yrs - consistency is
nice, familiar faces, makes me a hi-value employee.
Few bad habits really - aside from over-eating - no tobacco nor
gambling, little alcohol, etc. I was smoking with Gil, but now he's
gone, crisis and need for bonding past, it's lost its appeal.
I like what I have - Nomad, bed, cottage, yard, Buff & DJ
housemates are a good match.
Real-life and online friends. Lady friends who send me nice moving
and still images.
Enjoying reading. Music.
All is well. This is life.
More exercise/stretching and doctor visits would be wise. Yes.
Active investment in health. Leaving out carbs and sugary snacks.
But just saying - infrastructure and basics are all good. Got new
cell phone, learning to text, GPS etc. Switched to cheaper healthier
market - BB from WF.
So - breath in. Breath out.
it's okay to be uncomfortable about Gil's memorial - ex-wife and
many old friends & acquaintances there. Be cool. It's okay.
everything is going to be okay.
~20yrs ago - Jan 1997, I hit bottom in Davis fields, drunk driving,
no job, failed marriage, trouble with drugs and alcohol, lost. A few
friends helped me out of the hole. At 42 it was too late for
rationalizing and lies - it was up to me. It's good to have defined
bottom - like Dorothy - I had to find out for myself, define worst -
jail - missing a ruined life by inches - putting other peoples'
lives & welfare at risk - risking my own life.
Somehow, maybe having been that far down, I know I want nothing to
do with it, I see where that attitude leads - positive
thinking/outlook works better for everyone than negative.
K - time for shower, work, had my smoothie, dentist @11am.
Mon Mar 6.17 nm
Raining some, on and off, sometimes sunny, then cold windy rain,
then both at same time.
Sun not a lot done - put together K's Monopoly/coffee/jelly
bean box to bring to work wrap send, got work computer out to bring
to work make sure it's working/updated, re-made bed, called Mom
talked about April visit, 2 days travel, 5 days in MTown, 3 days in
Drive to Urban Ore - looking for rug and alarm clock - no ruf, $5
clock - didn't try it out yet. My current clock keeps setting itself
Could use cell, but want visible clock from bed.
IM w/BN friend, having troubles w/partner & online thing on side;
drank sake, ~half of big blue bottle + small bottle from Sushi-Ko's
last night - got a bit loose/intoxicated while tapping, mildly fuzzy
this morning); shared pic/video he sent her & pic she sent him in
return. Long deep talk about relationships, detailed sexual/other
experiences, bodily intimacies, etc. Um. Wow, we have been leading
up to this for years, always have enjoyed each other first on BN,
then occasional IM chats on fb; had sent her batch or erotic art I
shared with ~6 people, that I'd found while searching for Pan/nymph
images. All tumbled out very organic.
BB Mideast salad bar, pm corner for chocolate cakes/bag of cheesy
Envision myself happy, healthy, in control of what I put in my
body, start every day with an affirmation of myself as slender,
healthy, happy, eating with love for myself. Care for myself. No one
is going to do it for me. For me to do what's right, good,
Sleep ~10:30 - up ~7:15.
"Me (as her): "I want a rough fuck and swearing about how great my
"That's true...I have a very tight pussy...lol"
(On first blowjob): "No, I licked it everywhere and sucked it... with
Have to put this in - boundary breaking shares, fun and cool.
8:30 - done - hot shower, work - complex theme or two to do. Last
week was intense, this weekend I just chilled but did get out for
groceries, clock, house cleaning, chat w/Buff, etc. Yeah. Fine.
Sun Mar 5.17 nm
Rained last night - nice - woke ~7:30? Pretty peaceful sleep.
Sat a day of nothing, which of course, leads to something...
LMI guy came by ~10:30, no fix, AT&T prob - he said they'll do some
kind of fix so landline works/improve internet signal - photos of
rain drops on big front yard leaves -
Lots of cops on bikes on way to Farm Mkt for Himalayan lunch - warm
and healthy, yum! - good parking place - eggs/apples/raisons/coffee
- talk to plant guy about tomato/cucumber timing, blood orange
tree/fertilizer/company address. Pro-Trump demo, 1/4 vendors had
stayed away, Posted pic of small group to fb, stopped @Radio Shack
then AT&T places downtown for phone info - how to port from
flip-cell to iPhone, okay to keep # on cell and use up the $86 I
have on it - pic of shut-down Sushi-Ko interior - chocolate gelato
Buff in backyard, beer for him sake for me - good chat in beautiful
overcast backyard -
How to back-up phone info so if it's lost I can download all onto
~6pm walk BB berries, hot soup, sushi, jelly beans for K&X, pudding
- moderate rain on way home - comfy tennis shoes - eat soup - yum!
-, couple hits of hi-CBD - Blade Runner 'making of' extras - enjoyed
watching those - behind scene stuff - movie itself is gorgeous, with
screenwriters arguing over who wrote what line..
Got a few things done: groceries, phone info, org K's package -
today a few more - wk computer, Gavin poster? Papers. Siouxie. Call
Mom & Sooz. A walk could be nice, tho trails'll be muddy. Hmp.
This morning online: send K Scott bio and Filthy Cock soap - can't
send jelly beans to UK. Ordered myself some soap.
Been using aloe on face instead of pink Body Shop bullshit - aloe
is 100% better, keeps it from drying up over and over. Still - it's
a mistake not to look into sun damage further.
Post-Gil body aches/fatigue gone, left elbow soreness also almost
Being present for Gil left me less mental/emotional/travel time for
other friends, contacts, acquaintances - I think I will organically
reach back out more, needn't do it too consciously - tho, as always,
accept invites no matter how awkward I feel. Do it. What's the harm?
At 62 I can handle a little awkwardness better than I know.
Sat email to self
cell phone reg from file box
Russian river loop? sushi after, or drive -
have a drive have fun enjoy
no more talking about Gil
valium prescription for WV?
my life is going great -
I was fortunate to be there for Gil - that was a massive
be grateful for and enjoy this lovely life I am living
Sat Mar 4.17 nm
Light drizzle. Sleep okay - groggy.
9:30 - LMI repairperson coming ~10am to see why phone is busy
signal/internet signal is weak.
Fri after wk stopped at Verizon store after work w/list of
questions, that went smoothly, still a few kinks to work out e.g.
get GPS to talk to me, get multiple message apps to all work.
Texting off to a good sloppy slow start - but it's good. Berk Rep -
play - just not into it - stop at Plough for 1.5 pints/small
pizza/basketball/funk/reggae/jazz band rehearing - that was pretty
fun. What a great resource. Hang out there man.
Next week train in snow to Truckee? Yes please - while there's
snow. Hotel, Restaurant. Whatever. Could drive in 3 hours. But I
want to train!
IM'd some with Lindy - been a while. Depressed.
Thu-Fri work a bit stressful - power out in my cube, and
complex job with poor instructions/comm - I think everyone is super
busy, so this stuff happens. Good thing is after 18yrs I can mainly
handle it, tho I'm not good at hiding my frustration. I'm still -
w/training, photography, facepages, template expertise, fanatical
focus on support - golden.
Pics/bj video from * - ; we are adults, sharing w/multiple friends
is alright, we're not teens/bff/only allowed to have one online
playmate. It can part of adult friendship if it fits into our
connection, gives comfort and fun. WTF? If we did not ask for what
we want, let it develop organically through trial and error, can
grow bad regrets. Enjoy our lives. Have fun. Enjoy each others'
bodies. Yes. Received 3 gift et, pics & the vid, in last couple days
and each time got turned on, O - felt natural, normal reaction to
said images. All good.
Okay - waiting for LMI repair, then groceries, tidy cottage, make
bed, look into Siouxie donation, tax forms. If I can clear those off
my plate, all good. BB mideast salad bar in fridge. Get wk comp out
to bring it to set up. Look in files to see if I can find RadioShack
phone #'s to port info onto new cell.
If I want to lose weight fast - and feel better! -, avoid carbs for
a month. That worked before, I know it did.
This is good. This is perfect. My responsibility to Stacey is to be
there for her when she needs me. I told her directly.
People keep telling me to watch out for grief to hit me at
unexpected time etc - but I had years to prepare, I was there for
him always, I was there for he & Stacey at the end - I - we - knew
it was going to happen, and it did. We knew one of us others could
go first - but it went pretty much as predicted. Docs said yeas,
then months, then weeks. They said 1-2 months in hospice and he went
in about 6 weeks.
He was not malicious. He had human faults, some deep deep troubles
but somehow, in spite of them or because of them, he gave love and
comfort, made everyone who met him feel like a friend. Then called
me his best friend, which - that's a loaded phrase - best friend -
it was sweet to acknowledge our intimacies - the art we made - tour
video and all - , and - my beneath my faults - my general
attempt to be the best I can.
I dunno - trying to talk about it - worth an effort, but not really
possible. Shit. 1985-2017... 33 years. Live and wives, drugs and
tours, music and video, TV and plays, sickness and health, till
death do us part. It was good.
Only one time he got angry with me - when I brought a nude model up
into their Taylor St space, Laine's friend - I knew it was
disrespectful - hoped he would see the joke, enjoy naughtiness, but
he drew a boundary, which I respected thereafter.
Maybe call Mom today - but for now - 10:30 - still waiting for 10am
Stop talking about Gil, to Lori, K etc. Let it take care of itself.
I'm no more wounded then anyone else - less so, in most cases. Told
Lindy about Gil, she said best friend troubles, two 56yr-old
workmates dropped dead - Bam! More I talk about Gil, more I learn
about others peoples' troubles and pain far worse than mine. I think
- aside from close friends - it's best not to talk about it too much
- it begins to sound like bragging - poor me, how I have suffered.
No. Not really. It's mine to feel - and for a couple of close
friends , like Karen, to understand - shared grief.
I seem to need to talk a lot - write a lot - but don't feel like
I'm suppressing grief/weepiness or anything.
Kind of not looking forward to Mar 24(?) memorial - Gil was the
only friend who'd have been there - everyone else it's just broken
links to Game Theory, people I barely know, ex-wife I don't
particularly want to see - a group loaded with emotions - old
emotions - dead emotions - broken dreams - failed relationships -
neurotic artistic types like myself - need to work on my
attitude. This event is not about me. It's about remembering Gil.
Don't put additional melodramatic grief on it. Let it go. It could
be interesting - just to see, how we feel, being in same room with
each other. If it's bugging me that Shelley will be there - because
I feel guilty - then it's up to me to resolve those issues. Maybe
it's up to me to make amends to her. Don't wait for her to - that
won't happen - but I can do it, and would feel better for it.
Doesn't matter if she doesn't want to hear it. For myself - write
something, and see if I have anything to write.
I've thought about that for Fred & Adrienne Chapman - if either of
them died would I feel like I missed a chance at - something? Not
really. And with Nan, I just don't know what's available. But it was
obviously not enough for me; so I own it. Up to me if I want to take
what I can get and be satisfied. I've no right to demand more than
she is willing or able to give.
Alright - LMI got here 10:30 - said it's an AT&T issue, they will
come out and put a bandage on it. Now let's get on with this day.
Thu Mar 2.17 nm
Cold - next, learn phone well enough to use in WV, talk to Verizon
people, get help setting it up, GPS, texting - where fuck are texts
showing up? They say they've sent codes to type in, but to where?
It's okay - learning is painful if you let it be, keep moving
forward, don't get caught up in it - it's natural when learning to
feel one's lack of knowledge - it doesn't mean I'm dumb.
Look into plane tickets/car rental; get Valium for sleep. Bit of
stressing about WV trip last night - consider it a vacation, during
which I will see family members - negotiating times to visit, 3 days
Downloaded tax forms, look into Siouxie donation - drop by Verizon
and see about getting info. Write down yahoo etc passwords. Where
are confirmation codes going? Look online download a manual?
Wed Mar 1.17 nm
Got a Google cell phone Mon - cheaper than iPhone, seems to have
all goods, voice recognition, GPS, texting etc -so cheap if I
change my mind it's a small'ish loss. Now to learn it - still in
feeling dumb and frustrated phase, which is normal and good, it
means I want to learn it and will stay motivated till I do - 6
months from now it'll be normal, that will be helpful generally in
life, job & house hunting etc.
Mon-Tue in @7am, buy early afternoon my brain is
fuzzy - but, busy morning with animation, photos, themes,
troubleshooting, talking with Global Wizard Tracey, etc I fucking
nailed it because I rock.
Sun Talked to Sooz and Mom, before driving to Stacey's to
drop off note from Mom/photo of her dad. She starting back to work
today; we need to raise ~$3K for memorial - chatted with fb
group - raise amount of GFM page, Wynn writes something up, list
expenses, and ask for $$ at memorial. Kate mentioned if 150 people
give $20 each that's it - I can do another $1K, but don't jump gun.
Not looking forward to memorial, too many people, I may freak - a
valium - good to see Donnette I suppose, not so much Shelley - we
don't communicate well it seems, it's on me, let's say the majority?
So don't expect breakthrough or intimate chat or meeting of minds
where we choose path forward, to e.g., try harder - I can do - have
done that with Donnette even. Obliquely, but we both had a enough
remembered love from early 80s to find that place and agree to
forget other. Shared mourning. Don't know if Shelley & I can or will
ever have that. After photo album anger, graveyard stone robbery,
and refusal to apologize for 'wife beater' business - that's hard
for me to get past. We both need to sit down with a neutral party
and offer sincere apologies to each other. And intervention - except
- what is our motivation? Well, with Scott and Gil -
central figures - now gone, if we want to be in touch with people
with whom we shared these formative experiences, if we want to enjoy
shared memories, and my photos and videos, we need to be in touch
and able to talk. If I die today - almost got hit by a car yesterday
downtown SF - missed by 10ft but still - no one else will ever see
When Scott died I sent lots of pics to Donnette. Nothing to
Shelley. I tried to reach out, she slapped my hand away, hard - so I
feel it's up to her to show interest. I sent fb friend invites, they
- Chris and she accepted - and she has liked a few pics. So
there - I did outreach. But no further interest from her. I can't do
all the work. I won't reach out further just to be slapped away.
Tues pm walked to BB ~7, hot soup, salad bar, pudding - ate soup
w/bread and pudding. still snacking a lot. I am happier when eating
well and walking/exercising - keep reminding myself of that - love
myself, be my own best friend - love myself, wish myself well, be my
own geisha - and things will fall into place.
Worked out annual vacations and sent in PTO requests -
mentioned it to Jeff dept head, who said nothing, did not object -
so assume things are going to be worked out. 3rd week of April for
WV vacation - 2 days of travelling, 3 days in M-town, 3 days in
Chas, 2 more days in MTown. Long visit - but I'll make it work.
April in WV will be nice. Maybe a day trip w/Mom?
April week in WV
May 4-day WEF
June 10-days Oregon
Sept 4-day Jazz/Blues.
Good to have done, also cell phone, now taxes and
Also called LMI about busy phone line, guy said yes
something wrong, someone coming out Sat morning.
Calling Sooz helped us both a lot I think - it was Sun,
Tues night, so not stuck on TV night schedule; she talked a
lot, so obviously we both want it.
Good - I'm getting things done, grieving organically, like a
sad dog - but keep eating right, no alcohol nor tobacco - an
occasional cup of sake, but not to intoxication - , bring walking
after work back in. Body feeling better, left elbow soreness
decreasing. Good good good.
Sun Feb 26.17 nm
Sat ate 5-day-old WF salad bar, yummy and worked! Drive to
SR ~1, easy traffic - yay! - first long-'ish drive in Cammie - Deva?
- power steering, cruise control - wow - radio - wow! wow - radio is
really bad. Bring out the tapes - cool! Sunny day, sun roof - had a
moment panic at Berkeley 580-80 split - where am I going?!?!
It's been months - stopped leaving town after Gil went into hospice
~2.5 months ago. No prob - Peets in SR - Eric's ~3, he looks good -
we both look old, but he doesn't look sick/flu'ish like sometimes.
Brought CBD pot, book, he gave me knife to replace one left at
hospital security, and a phone - my landline has a busy signal since
~1 week ago - tired Eric's at home and still busy signal - so maybe
something wrong with connection? Email LMI.
Joy ride cammie to show how she does - feels wrong - not hippie
funk like me - but have to say she's nice, and a cool love gift.
Grown up car.
Eric asked if I'd ever bought a car - opposed to gift -
'cause I've had Red Van from Shelley, Siouxie from Karen/Iain, now
Cammie from Sooz. Had to think. First VW was really bought by Anne
Newman (?) because when we broke up she kept it. Then - what? Baby I
lived in ~1982-83 I bought from Craft Center Nancy 1982. Then green
VW van - I'd almost forgot about - 1984. Shelley's red van. Dodge
Dart - barely remember that, so must have been early 90s party
years. Blue Toyota from Chae ~1995? No idea. Then Siouxie, now
VW Anne Newhall's 1975
Toyota Baby 1982-84
Green VW van 1984 - 1987?
Shelley's red van 1988-94
Dodge Dart ? early 90s ?
Blue Toyota Corolla mid-late 90s
Geez - and only one DUI - in Chae's blue Toyota Jan 1997.
So last Jan was 20th anniversary, and I was not aware. Gil was
happening. But also good not to get to hung up in the past. Live and
Anyway - talked about Gil's death w/Eric, how I'm feeling - that
was good - different kinds of deaths, all different, trying to find
lessons is fraught, since few will apply to all e.g., tell everyone
quickly, quit your job etc; also he said it's normal the way your
mind tightens up, gets clear and serious, drops pettiness and
neurosis in a crisis - still, glad to see it worked for me as well.
Sushi's and split Kobe beef dinner, hot sakes, chocolate dessert.
On way home I noticed body aches had disappeared - elbow still sore
- but seeing Eric was good for my soul. Which just goes to show -
something! Importance of friends.
Was gonna do breakfast w/Stacey this morning - she emailed, no
sleep, just a visit, and likely need to extend GFM page further to
help pay for memorial. Sigh. Awkward to ask for second helping,
since we just made that first 20K - but if we promote it specially
for memorial, maybe a separate GFM? Check in with Kate, Wynn
etc group for ideas.
I think I am still in long-term Gil phase - from time he got sick,
years of bad news, painful debilitating treatments, etc, now in
post-death continuation, support & memorial - still to come, living
life in a world without my friend Gil in it, and maybe being
triggered unexpectedly - that's what I'm told to anticipate.
Today - call Mom, Sooz(?), visit Stacey, laundry in afternoon.
Organize cammie trunk/back seat, org papers more, groceries. I
thought of something I could get from from Urban Ore - now can't
recall what it was.
Alrighty - this blog - it's good for this.
Medium-sized cell phone - doesn't have to be iPhone/Mac - long-life
battery, voice recognition, GPS, Siri, only need ~20hrs month calls
and 1000 texts - if that! Not gonna watch TV on it.
Sat Feb 25.17 nm
First month post-Gil, I'm far from past it: body aches, mortal
gloom constantly on mind, no creative energy, empty disengaged
Fri after wk up Sacramento to Chinatown, achy limbs
stopped me from walking to top of hill/down Powell - it's not lack
of energy, or mental depression, it's physical feebleness - still,
slowly up to Stockton, into Mac store, asked a few questions -
- if I'm gonna do both phone and tablet, gonna be a couple grand -
well, ~$500 each - then ~$100/month - . I can do that. Need to clean
out Apple accounts and see if my SS# is still screwy - maybe no
tablet. Just simple phone with good battery lots of memory. Thing is
- do one of the other - a medium-sized phone prob all I need. But -
a tab I could maybe use instead of laptop? Laptop for art? Nah.
Don't need a tablet.
- got a seat on BART, enjoying Buford's autobio -
Super-busy work, still haven't broached vacations with Jeff. Do
that soon! Uptightness, discomfort is in me, not on work. They have
almost always accommodated my vacations. I have fears around asking
for them from authority. Fear of authority - church, parents, bosses
own it. It's on me to deal with it and find comfort in
myself. Morning guy Randy taking Mon-Tues off - so it
is not a problem. It is not forbidden. Just ask.
I am so full of fears. Fear nothing.
Today: Eric in Santa Rosa ~3 - meantime, groceries, shower,
cottage care, lunch. Call Mom. Online taxes?
Sun check in with Stacey - drop off pic of her father & note
from Mom. Walk around Tilden? It's good to get out and walk even if
I am slow and achy. Do it. My body needs exercise and fresh air.
This feebleness makes me feel old and doomed. Fuck it. Poor Gil. He
suffered a lot, but he hung on. Smoked and drank till the end.
The lessons we get from out parents. Dad - hide your anger, take
life very seriously, argue to win, be judgmental, live, do your
Losing Gil, also - he was a window from which I watched his
musician friends & network from NC - also Bay Area - gone. Not that
many had become actual friends - it expanded my world - exposed
different POVs, talents etc. Gone? Dunno. Like when Scott died, a
loudfan SteveH said he feared loss of friend network - didn't
happen, connections/friendships remained. So - it will sort itself
out. Let organic change do its thing. Don't grasp or cling. I
actually look forward to seeing Donnette - some trepidation around
Shelley. What I can do is forgive her for not defending me when
Chris slandered me in front of friends - that was 20years ago
- she was high as a kite and her life in some turmoil, we were
entirely different people. I don't even know who she is anymore.
Not sure I ever did. Let it go. It was a rotten thing to do - but if
I'm gonna forgive myself, need to forgive her, too.
Hard - not as hard as family hard - but hard. Let it go. Do my
best. Breath in and out love and forgiveness. Take 1/2 a Valium.
Think about N now and then - maybe should entirely let it
go. I kept it alive? Reached out, long calls, drove to Davis, etc
etc. She enjoyed that maybe (?), and it was good to have support
when Scott died - but - it is not there. She did send a couple of
IMs, asked if I wanted to drive to Davis to see her, but no
suggestion/invitation to talk/converse - that's just her, but what
am I sposed to do with it? When I look too close, I probably want
more than is healthy - sexual fixation - can see where that's causes
discomfort. But since she generates that from men, it ought to be
something she can deal with - and I thought we'd found an honest
balance. Then there's her disappearing, coming to CA without telling
me. Gil telling me about K (?) party "Nan was there." So, is there
any room for contact - when I think about it - I remember my anger
when she was here around Scott memorial(?), and went to coast, no
contact for a week, then sent pics of headlands said 'I thought of
you when I saw this!' Grr. I thought we were supporting each other.
When it came down to it she disappeared. Not sure if we can have a
low-key non-public friendship. But - better to try than not. What
could go wrong? Don't judge or explain. Just a talking friendship,
no visits, avoid expectation of public friendship? No weight on it
at all. Sure. Why not. She is not into apologizing or defending /
explaining herself, so don't expect anything there.
Obviously I want contact. And what is available is low-level and
screwy. So - don't let perfection be the enemy of adequate.
Maybe a call about Gil.
I'll need a phone. Get a phone and headset. Yes.
Fri pm sleep ~10? Slept well, up ~6, then back to sleep till
Pangs of grief - just have to keep moving, breathing, walking
talking working eating excreting etc.
Blogging - or journaling - whatever this is.
Just relax - don't do anything - get back into the life groove, and
if I wanna reach out to Nan, Fred or anyone from that scene - wait
till time is right.
A chair leg is missing, I feel off-balance, let it happen.
Thu Feb 23.17 nm
Almost 4 weeks since Gil died - adjustments and sorting out lifelong?
Mainly remembering happy times, good memories, tour, Taylor St,
hanging out in their condo - I've been warned by Sooz & such to
expect waves of sadness. Currently still in - I dunno what -
avoidance, duty. And..
.. GFM (Go Fuck Me?) site reached goal - over $20K (thanks for
Brad&G). I filled in page, posted to a few fb pages, and only got
that done with supporting push from core group, text from Wynn &
Kate - ; 100s of people, including many who can ill afford it, some
who didn't know Gil - Mom, Lynn, Lo - have donated. Community came
together in 20s and 100s. I somehow expected more of an affect once
we made goal - that everything would be fine, Gil would come back
from dead - but no. Don't miss what just happened. Network.
Anyway - step back from it. Don't impinge in Stacey's privacy &
grief, but also be there for her. Let balance work itself out.
Tumblr IM's w/LR last night, more vib/vid talk - detailed
description. That's a good balance, we both gain/enjoy/learn.
Maybe now that GFM page reached goal - leave it up for future
support as people learn about it, have means to donate in future -
- now I can do taxes/donate Siouxie etc.
In early Wed for global call - cinnamon roll on way home,
BART 2 stations backward to get seat for whole ride - enjoying Gil's
Bruford autobio - drive (it's cold!) to BB for berries, clam chowder
dinner, 18 eggs (1 carton lasts <1 week).
Sleep well - wake stretched out, solid in pillows, out of dream -
thought for sure it was Saturday! - Thurs??? Work
day??? Making goal was very important to me - felt I had
responsibility to put word out, show gratitude, acknowledge
donations publicly - not I can relax. Happy for Stacey. Can't
imagine what she's feeling - she is hanging out with her women
friends, that makes sense - on Gil's day, men went out to forage for
take-out Chinese, women - Kate, Jennifer, Wynn - stayed with Stacey.
It's a thing. It's understood.
Okay. Now what? Now life goes on - ever changing - I need to daily
remind myself to be here now, not 20 years ago to rose-tinted Taylor
memories, not fearful imaginings of 20 years from now when
supposedly I'll be old and alone etc. Fuck all that. Here. Now. Live
Attention will drop away. Low key it.
Tues pm back to Sushi-Ko - their closing night
(they told me they were closing Tues when I ate there Mon
pm) - they were emotional talkative, grateful to me - 3-4 of them
stopped to talk to me, thank me, share - gift oysters, small sake
bottle, ice cream dessert. Awww. Sad for them - out of job!?! After
decades there. It was my comfort food, chicken udon, Food TV show
home away from home. Bit uncomfortable going Tues night, knew
there'd be sad attention - but also felt I ought to be present
for a place/people - familiar faces - that added pleasure & value to
my life for years.
Okay. Back to work. Berk Rep Fri - first one of season,
after missing 1st 3, mainly due to Gil stress.
Eating good food - Green Bar at work.
Get back on bike, and after-work walks.
Change shirt every day? Been back in the grief-distracted 2-3 days;
during winter maybe I can get away with it, but why bother.
Saw Stacey's pics of coast trip w/group who was with us Gil's day -
felt old lifelong "I wasn't invited." pang, but really - would I
have wanted to go? Nah. They are her - and Gil's - friends. Don't
intrude. Not about me. Be glad for her, and them.
Tue Feb 21.17 cottage am
Mon for papers sorted, other cottage org. Drank most of
bottle of sake throughout day. Glued heads in deities. Org book
shelf. Papers into file box. Trimmed hair.
~5 downtown for Sushi-Ko - they are closing today!
Dragon roll, they gave me one large hot sake free, left $100 tip, in
gratitude for years of enjoyment, $20 to chef, 1/2 priced book -
Home, 3 hits, bag of jelly beans, watch 88 GT tour video -
that was actually quite fun, it's been years, scat humor sometimes
embarrassing, scanned through a couple of musical bits, at times
story is interesting/compelling, a few times I had to stop & laugh -
some funny stuff! - sleep ~10?
Mom sent envelope for Stacey.
Okay - cottage & yard (gravel beds) in better shape, papers
organized - taxes, new registration for Siouxie so I can donate her
3 day weekend was helpful. Lost Gil, Sooz, and Sushi-Ko.
Mon Feb 20. 17 II home 1pm
PBJ, glass of sake, hot shower, divided papers up: car insurance,
car ownership, Siouxie papers, tax forms, letter from Mom, misc,
AARP, etc. Also, pull plastic container from beneath bed for
negatives, others into GT box, slide carousels & projector beneath
be - or - in trunk to loan to Stacey. Or keep it out to photograph
projected slide off wall.
Feeling good. Rainy. Cold. Hot shower tried my best to own
attraction to NB, starting with early Davis GT crush. I
misunderstood, she never signaled interest beyond low level but
intimate conversations friendship, if that; what I call
"cock-teasing" is little different than attention needing/flirting I
do that sometimes hints at more and leaves people feeling rejected
and hurt (not only women, potential fiends I hide or have hidden
from). So keep that in mind. What bothers me most in others are my
So I was hurt. So what? Fuck it. Give her a call.
Mon Feb 20.17 nm
Yes, well, if it was sunny maybe I'd do an easy 7 miles in Pt
Reyes, but it's raining, yesterday & last night - cool - I dig it -
trails will be soaked for months - look into trails that don't
become mud traps.
Sun Sat around a lot, some CWD - tumblr porn site/pics
shares with LR; moved Siouxie, untied/removed Cammie rack from roof.
What to do with it? Call Planned Parenthood for donation. Called
Mom, she has books to give back to me, it gets awkward because I
more or less know what's going on around my reaction to Gil's death,
and maintaining, but it's so much on my mind I tend to go on about
it - which she understands and it's cool. And what a blessing at 62
to be able to talk to Mom @93(?), get her advice, and share my life
with her, ups-and-downs and all, snd she shares hers with me.
Drove to WF for salad bar & sake, then to BB for eggs, bananas,
jelly beans (for K), books to give/take books up street; lamp shade
I thought I'd tossed still on front seat - good news! - taped it
3 hirs cannabis, photoshop play, Sopranos clips on YouTube, my own
fb videos: Game Theory live in Philly/Hoboken/Mendo waves etc -
restless(?), up past midnight, sleep till ~7. Yummy smoothie. Good O
w/L vid. Do that regularly, good to keep juices flowing/blood
pumping. I'm only 62, if I live to 80 there will be many years with
essentially no sex drive. Mentally prepare to accept that
When young man sex was answer to most pressing concern - demanding
flesh stick - hunger that can't be denied - mental obsession - the
rut - rites of fertility. Now: Survival; ideally in comfort - roof,
warmth, food, companionship. Social Security is immediate answer,
and whoa be unto him who touches it. Landscape if littered with the
Reminder - best moment of my life, this breath - to have a life at
all, and be able to enjoy it. There is no tomorrow, much less 10 or
20 years from now. get off it and live now.
Just had an espresso & lox bagel.
Sun pm dinner WF hot bar beans/rice/chicken, BB sushi box
later. Shifting diet back to health-focus. Cut back on snacks, and
get back to after-work walks asap. It's a plan.
Game Theory rereleases not as much fun without Gil here. I don't
foresee small future GT get-togethers, not with Shelley & I at odds,
distance - Donnie in Nebraska (?) - when it gets down to it, I'm not
that interested either - but we are at least in touch. Who knows?
Miracle? Without those two - Scott & Gil - , you just have us
satellites. It was a good run GT was, & I've lived to see GT records
rereleased to some acclaim, my documentation - photos, board tapes,
videos - valued; my Big Shot support/rehearsal workspace honored,
shared pleasure with good friend Gil. And the music(!) I love,
rediscovered. Dan V has not admitted live tapes he publicly
disparaged are, for some people/reviewers, some of best stuff from
re-releases. He wouldn't come to get them, look me in eye; Gil had
to be go-between. WTF. Shelley's regrets that chicken farm Lolita
Nation release party wasn't more of a reunion (I admit to petty
schadenfreude); goes to show failure of that strategy. It failed and
now it's too late. Get off the meth. No more fighting old battles
(say it to myself first). But that also means that wire is dead. No
messages to send through if we did connect.
Gil's love/humor would have been glue/cushion to break tension at
GT reunion party. That opp probably died with him? His memorial will
be an opp to at least say hi, and maybe get a few photos. That will
be interesting and hopefully not too intense. I was totally freaked
out at Scott memorial - that was different - still in shock, father
recently died - too many old faces from Davis scene. I fell to
This will be different. Civilized. Shared grief. Polite hi & hug
for Shelley & Donnette - that's all that's required - then - mingle.
It's raining today. Not 10, 20, 30 years ago.
I am GT archivist: live tapes, photos, videos. I play that role, &
otherwise stay out of the way. Whatever they ask for, I deliver. If
they choose recordings or photos I dislike, I say nothing. Decided
early on not to be 'that guy'. Difficult. A meddler. I was/am
easiest guy they work/ed with - based on a few war stories Gil
shared. I think it would have been healing for DV to come get GT
board tapes from me face-to-face, to soothe my pride after years of
disparagement - Gil wouldn't say much, but from his lack of eye
contact and body language, there was obviously some stuff going on I
felt like, 'Why all the concern and dancing around his feelings,
what about mine?' But in the end, I did the right thing. Of course.
Okay - tap tap tap - pee, walk home, shift papers around, negatives
in box, home for slide projector, glue heads on deities, get
organized. Eat. Drink - I'm a bit dehydrated.
Sitting here at Nomad 11am is good. Thank you. Grateful. I want
Sun Feb 19.17 nm
Some glowing sun through clouds this morning, now overcast and
sposed to rain all day - beginning to feel like it will; so, no S
Rosa for sushi, nor Olampoli for fresh air and nature.
Sat pm BB soup/bread, then front house for 2 episodes of
Deadwood w/Buff, one hit off free dispensary joint. That worked!
Slipped a little on mud patch near trash bins, shoveled slimy mud
into bed/dump bucket of gravel on it. Caring for yard - especially!
- being able to appreciate yard's beauty, a sign of a good mental
space - this morning noted beauty/value, somewhat intellectually -
days/months/years when I innocently revel in it, are good times.
These are too. Don't hierarchy my life too much. Every breath is
good. Even hard times.
I'm generally gloomy ail the time - constantly try to bring myself
up - it's over small things, not small to me tho - big ultimate
thing to deal with is we're going to die, so how should we live?. I
think that's what religion is about, and maybe that's of interest -
tho terrifying damned to burn for all eternity child-murdering enemy
raping/slaughtering war God human sacrifice Jesus mythos is probably
not gonna fly.
Shit, at his heart maybe Hitler was a Christian, but you have to
ignore all his crimes; religion, ignore all our crimes and
corruption, and focus on our core message of love. Yes, but... too
much baggage, too many things to ignore.
How about for next read - The Bible? Might be cool. Youthful
memories - references in our culture etc.
Lots - at least 40 - of armed robberies in South Berkeley
- recently on my walk to BART, Woolsey & Shattuck - that dark
block: a.) Leave important papers home, b.)
cards/phone/camera hidden hidden on body, c.) decoy wallet
with BART/library card and $100(?). Point is - don't carry important
papers - auto insurance/tax forms on my shoulder hippie bag, and
maybe carry credit cards etc somewhere else on body. Good idea.
Difficulty connecting with people at moment - grief and tenderness,
sensitive, fearful - hard to tell - I'm withdrawn into myself a bit
as I process loss of Gil: he really isn't ever coming back, I may
not be following soon after - Appeal of Scott/Gil/Robert Death
Triptych Mythos - ; I could be around for a long time, there could
be decades for all I know - will I make 82 like Buff has, why not?
But melodramatic defining my life based on loss of loved ones is not
wise - yesterday I had a seeing my life as 'Before Gil/After Gil'.
No. It's: Born, Live, Die. That's the ticket. The living part is
what matters. It is not heartless to move on with my life - Gil did
not ask me to mourn him (we mourned while he was alive); he asked us
to look after Stacey. I've raised ~$25K for her - not bad! - and I
was there for him. My healing will take place organically, I needn't
form a cult or make a burnt offering, nor suffer survivor's guilt.
I'm checking to make sure I did my duty to him. Okay - that's
worthy. But also be easy on myself, no self-aggrandizing for doing
it. Doing one's duty is required, doesn't need praise. Okay? Okay.
Middle child, I want a lot of attention, it is who I am, can't help
that, so don't punish myself for wanting attention for this. It's
cool. I'm doing fine. Note - however - to calm that hunger - that a
small handful of people who matter, know. They know because they
were there, or cared, or whatever. I don't need to draw attention to
myself. It's all cool.
This 'over-thinking' is how I cope with life.
Missing him is not required, it is a given. In the long run I'll be
a better person. Lessons are; painful, nothing new.
Yeah yeah - to future Robert if I ever read this years from now
- I know it's good. That's want this blog is for, to let my
'over-active' mind unwind, spew it out, look for anything important,
neurotic repetitions/redundancies to look into further. I know what
I'm doing here.
Sat yesterday was pretty good, I made a list, got it all
done, household stuff like lamp/welcome mat, gravel, food from BB,
taped up headlight casing, ate good food, evening with Buff Deadwood
and pot - excellent! Maybe too soon for Eric visit - next week may
be better, more time to get my head on straight, less withdrawn.
My mind keeps going to alcohol - why not have shots of Brandy/sake
around, something to do? - something to ease discomfort. What's
ache/weakness in left elbow? Knees? yes - it's grief, and what I
need to do is keep walking through it. It's a metaphor for
continuing to live and love after others have died. Alright?
It's a first for me, I know people have whole families die on them,
Eric's Dad, Gil's parents, Karen's bf, Dad's brother, etc etc etc.
Endless - in my life and in history. It would be good to have the
wisdom to know that, grasp it, so I don't have to be surprised every
time. Some still center of love that is not affected, not because
it's cold/unfeeling in a selfish way, or maybe just so. But
something solid. What some people look to religion for, and for me
ocean and nature.
Kay - done here.
Today: get food for tomorrow/President's Day. Sort paperwork. Look
into donating Siouxie to Planned Parenthood. Org cottage. Get life
together. Call Mom?
Grateful for job, cottage, yard, friends, housemates,
savings, mental health, physical health, car, photoshop/visual play,
music, reading, neighborhood, friendship with mother, settled
relationship with father, teeth fixed, respect and responsibilities
at work - esp photography and training, Nomad cafe, Starry Plough,
sobriety, lack of major debilitating vices. Note -
mental/physical health - Attention - that comes from eating a
Sat Feb 18.17 home pm
Mid-east WF salad bar lunch, Ashby lumber for doormat, glue (for
deity heads), 2 bags of gravel - for backyard slippery mud; Urban
Ore for $15 lamp (turned out to be sucky weak Ikea lamp); Asian
Hardware for bathroom tile cleaner, clear weather proof tape from
front headlight plastic someone busted for no reason; BB for food,
salad, chicken/ride, soup, jelly beans (for Karen!).
At home dumped gravel in yard, shoveled mud, taped headlight, ate
chicken/rice. Buff bachelor tonight, heading in shortly to smoke pot
Still lots to do - but a good start.
Feeling depressed this afternoon - as I get back into normal life
groove, the depression is more apparent. watch where I go - like
with Scott, it e.g., affects my concentration while driving - just
Work is going very well - much happier without Taf - more engaged
with other CSS people. Feel secure.
Anything can happen to anyone. It's good to be prepared.
Shelley reappeared as fb friend. Good.
Sat Feb 18.17 nm
Ok - here we go - a day with no plans, but plenty to do
Cottage doormat, organize tax papers, organize car papers. Collect
things to send to UK - papers for K. Clean cupboard pot shelf. Pile
of cameras and crap under book shelf - do something! Find a home for
slide projector/slide boxes I no longer need - unless to
project/shoot put together filmed slideshow? Other things will come
to me. I have a box of solar-powered blue lights to string
Lots of rain - storming in LA - so no hikes.
I am isolated - it frightens me - don't like to hike alone, don't
like to watch movies alone - doing things alone, it sends the signal
that I'm a loser reject. Except, according to mom, I've always been
this way. Combination of things. Anyway, I feel pretty happy. I'm
doing something right. Start by loving myself unconditionally, then
work on rest - but start from a point of self-love.
Don't worry about retirement, or 10 years from now - I have this
second, this breath, this day, maybe. I woke up in my comfortable
bed which I built, made a smoothie of berries, fruit, eggs, hemp
milk, magic green powder. Not on meds of any sort. No gambling,
alcohol or tobacco.
If you get 2 months:
Quit your job immediately
Let everyone know
Distribute cash and property
Bad news, he didn't want to die - it makes me sad - "I'm too young
to die!" That was years ago - I keep thinking 7 years - yes, 2001
diagnosed & treated for prostate, joined Rain Parade, bone prognosis
2013, quit RP 2014. He wanted to make 60.
Things like paying co-pay day in emergency room for vertigo/nausea,
that sent a message to Gil, and Stacey - you are not alone, someone
is looking after you, when your lives are falling apart, someone is
helping take care of small things; when you are gone, someone will
be looking after your widow. It wasn't about money, it was about
love and caring and willingness to act. You need me to take day off
work and come over? Be right there.
Ah, then there's whole big world out here/there - don't wallow in
hole, there's nothing here - what comes out of it is renewed
connections, fresh viewpoints, strength, resilience, appreciation,
etc. Well, one can hope.
We were lucky - ironically - ; for years, months, esp in weeks
after 1-2 months diagnosis, unknown was oppressive: will we
get call he has died (of a heart attack?) middle of night, or wind
up in a hospital hooked up to machines and tubes for a long time?
Going fast, with time for loved ones to get there, be present &
supportive for he & Stacey - that was fortunate. WTF. Such a gift.
There was no question, happened organically, we left what we were
doing and came; palliative care nurse Jennifer's presence was
invaluable - unimaginable without her, for her experience, calm,
friendship/support for Stacey.
I'm thinking about Sat - Sun?, before the Tues he
died. I visited, we moved furniture around, he was out of it,
irritable, I was trying to stay out of the way, not complicate
things - just be there. Made him laugh with can of vegetable and
'penis' soup. Last gentle hug, kiss on head, he was drugged up, but
always seemed coherent.
But - dissecting ever last minute, day, week is not helpful.
Really. It was part of a 33-yr friendship - overlapping large chunks
of both our lives. Bands, marriage, divorces, collaborations, shared
housing, Twin Peaks, pot and movies/TV/music. Ups and downs.
So let it be all of it, not just his illness/death. There were 7
years when he was ill, we still had our friendship, movies, sushi, a
couple of Nicasio BBQ shows - Asleep at the Wheel, that Austin trio
- , good times.
This thing - Gil's death's impact - is not end of world. Huge hit
for Stacey. Be available for her - and it will help me, hopefully
both of us, to meet and chat and be supportive. Shared grieving.
Death is not to be defined, nor comprehended, understood - losing a
friend is just a negative - there's no good in it, don't go looking
for it. Yeah - I'll learn to take my lashing and like it - , but in
the end it makes me and my world colder. Look - this is why people
get spiritual - not to take only lessons of coldness from death.
"Death...the opposite is desire. So do you wonder?"
But desire brought her to disgrace and ruin. Lesson - do not use
death/s to excuse abusing myself or those around me; answer is not
to indulge in hedonism, use my friends and acquaintances for
hedonism and pornographic pleasures - find vitality in nature,
physical exertion, healthy food and good wholesome company and
activities. Right? Right.
Get some sushi-ko.
A little brandy in the cottage - why not?
Tidy front yard a bit?
Peanut butter jam sandwiches as snacks? At work?
Home now for mid-eastern WF salad bar & coconut.
$70 at WF last night - for deodorant toothpaste, berries, pudding,
eggs - yikes.
Gil's death - shock/pain/attention will fade and I can go back to
my quiet life.
Let it happen. I can't control it. Breath.
Rice and fish around cottage. Use the rice cooker.
Fri Feb 17.17 home rain
Drove cammy to WF for berries, eggs bread pudding etc.
I've lost someone I got high, drank beer, sake, sushi with. Such a
rich history, Game Theory, video, photos, Taylor, music, videos,
yard - cats - Stacey Scott - Karen - then me in cottage them in
condo - he helped me keep up in Shelley, was our contact - we talked
about everything - it was a big deal, almost a minor betrayal when I
held back some k/A UK info for a year - when I told them Stacey said
Looked at alcohol #WF, beer? Sake? Wine? Cognac? Nah - alcohol is
what I don't need.
I'm more messed up about this than I realize, getting better, work
is okay - took pics with new camera at lunchtime alumni talk, person
who asked for them loved them - start taking pics at all events -
it's a good gig, I like it, will learn camera, keeps me employed -
plus, yes, learning camera is a good skill, and who know? Maybe
Anyway - yes, no more sushi with G&S... bummer.
Fill the hole with love and light. Fill it with nothing. Replace it
with nothing. Move on. Live.
Reading Gil's prog drummer Bruford autobio - fun..
Gil & Scott were Game Theory - serious talents - pros - I
was photographer, sometimes driver, 5th Beatle, always there - some
good work, some bad - did my best. We were - something - that Starry
Plough pic of 3 of us - history - Davis, Big Shot, tours, video,
Taylor - album covers - drums - songs. Bam - boom - gone.
Fucking gloomy - have to do something about that. Bummer if it's
always so sad, and we can't enjoy the great music. Scott 53. Gil 60.
Okay - sad - young. But they left great music.
Shelley blocked me on fb. I recently unblocked a few people,
including Boona, artist girl offended by lady boy pics/complained to
Gil. Friended Shelley & Chris - a small step. Maybe it's too painful
and she doesn't want to see GT photos? Because I said on GoFundMe
Taylor were some of the best days of our lives? Doesn't want me
tagging her? No idea. Don't assume. None of my business. I have
defenses up. Tear them down. Forgive myself. Let it go. Let go. It
has nothing to do with me now.
Let go of Dad, LRY, High School, street life, Davis, car life, Big
Shot photo lab, marriage.
Hang into life - Mom, Karen, Eric, visit Marge & John, Lo.
Well, this is going nowhere - gonna take time - I'm eating like a
pig - eating good greens/veggies/fish/fruit - then tons of
snacks - knock it off - back on health food wagon. Days getting
longer - walk over hills after work - fun! Get back in shape. I have
been staying around town after Gil went into hospice - to be near in
case they needed me. Been a while since ocean, redwoods, Eric etc.
2nd week of April is in 2 months - start making plans.
Donate Siouxie to Planned Parenthood.
Things to do.
3-day weekend. Nice.
Lots and lots of rain.
Body aches - left elbow, sometimes knees, ankles - usually come and
go - I suspect it's grief/stress related.
Been eating boxes of cookies - I feel best when I'm not overweight,
can get out more, more energy.
Made the two videos to promote I Am Atomic Man - I know they
sucked, but at least I tried.
So Apr 2013, Scott dies. Then Dad. Then Jan 2017 Gil dies - not
quite 4 years after Scott. I hope fate isn't going to get poetic on
me and go for all three. That's to make too much out of us three. We
did represent a thing, Gil & my love and dedication to Scott.
So, I can still act on it - giving my photos to the GT rereleases.
Anyway. How 'bout letting me keep some male friends. They are so
important and valuable.
Thu Feb 16.16 nm
Rain, lots of it last night - Wed in early to get to video
edit/photo/training - , tired last night, sleep ~9:30, woke ~6:30 -
Lots of cookies - really need to get on the path of no/few carbs,
more veggies - maybe part of solution is to bring healthy/veggie
snacks to work. Carrots? Apple? Eat apples.
Anyway - video, training, photo all went well - I enjoyed them and
got them done. worked well with everyone. Cool.
3-day weekend coming up - coast? Eric? Marge & John? Get paper work
- car insurance, Siouxie paperwork, taxes - sorted out.
Wed Feb 15.17 nm
Woke up feeling 'good' this morning - most natural and 'happy' I've
felt in months - since we got the 1-2-month hospice prediction. Hop
out of bed, feeling rested, ready to move, smoothies, Nomad.
Gil's last months, that when I became my father - setting aside
unimportant neurosis and personal stuff vendettas to be completely
present and available for Gil & Stacey's needs. Cold on the surface,
generous with financial aid & time. And of course making wise
statements - "He's more alive in us now than he is in that clay."
"The best thing a friend can hope for is to be able to help a
friend." - spreading the news, and writing details to share.
Newspaper man. I was more stable and present - at least, I seemed so
to myself - than I thought possible. During the most important days
of his life, I did not fail. So, that's reassuring.
Espresso & buttered bagel.
I'm eating a lot! Snacking all day at work on peanuts, cereal, etc.
Get on track - not with negative restrictions, but with positive
attitude and outlook.
Getting close to 20K for Stacey - True West's Russ T gave 500, Rain
Parade's John Thoma gave 250 - I wept and sent picture of him
shaking hands good-bye with Gil @Aug 2014 Brick & Mortar gig.
LR sent nice note in Valentine Day.
Not a peep from LndyD - dunno - I'm supposing she may have read
this blog, decided she wanted out, it wasn't enough. We talked it
through weeks ago, she said she wanted what I was offering, but peps
are allowed to change their minds.
As I talk to others, and their family and other personal pain
sorrow tragedies isolation illness death of friends family come up I
know I know I get it - but when yr feeling yr own - well, it makes
me aware of how others' pain looks to me - sincere but distant
concern from me - so yeah, they know I'm hurting, but they can't et
under my skin to feel it, nor should they, nor should I try to
explain. Just say, it's tough, thanks for asking. Yeah.
Learning. Leaning on cultural norms.
Tue work busy w/video editing/couple of complex theme jobs,
1 other - was concerned about ability to deal with pressure and
focus, but aside from annoyance with one client who sent same theme
back ~5-6x, got it done okay, helped people, answered questions.
Manager who offered me her cam lens to shoot Partner/Mgr portraits,
I had said 'no thanks', then emailed Mon explained had family
emergency, couldn't focus, so yes please may I borrow the lens for
get shallower depth of field. Awkward situation - how much to say? -
I did the best I could. It's fine - I mean, I did okay in
Up early, in early to get video done, afternoon photo/train expert
VP 2-4. Lv 5:30 - days getting longer, warmer, yard beginning to
bloom, tree in back blossoming white petals.
It makes me sad Gil dying, being sick for so long, seeing people
missing him, having regrets. Say what I have to say to everyone I
have something to say to. Avoid avoidable regrets. Plus, it is right
thing to do. Avoid pain to get me moving, but doing right thing for
right reason fundamentally satisfying.
Okay. Work. Check in w/Stacey. Call Marge & John. Talk to Jeff
@work about 2017 vacation days. Do taxes. Visit Eric, have sushi.
I'm okay. My tasks are few. As you get bolder and start to really
appreciate yr old friends, losing two is no fun. But Sooz
called last night at work and we did quick catch-up, that worked
fine. So yes - Tuesday night calls. Let it - if it decides to
- evolve on its own.
Mon Feb 13.17 nm
"You know our friend fought a tough battle before his body gave in
to injury. His goofy, happy, loving uplifting soul lives on. If you
met him, not knew him, just met him. He treated you like he knew
you. I just needed to say it to one who knows."
Sun After laundry/Subway sandwich, hung in bed, party in
front house, ~4:30 two children in yard, finding pennies in gravel,
Buff calls out to come in and have chili. Stepping out, cautiously
to not frighten children, who turn out to be Lisa Chvez's - I don't
recognize her at first - saw her last ~1992(?) at Taylor, then ~8yrs
ago at Hobbit Beer making in Fairview backyard. So really, last time
she was ~18 and I was ~39? We shared war stories, parent relations,
Scott/Gil - diff between good and not so good deaths, and good
things that can come of them, important things to learn. DJ showed
her Frida/gun and Patti/Frida on internet. Good to reconnect with
someone from - Game Theory days really - sis Felecia worked with
Shelley at Albany Sauna ~1989(?), Felecia modeled, met family, Lisa
~12? After divorce & Dad left called it Estrogen Manor. Came to our
parties - part of our network - drunk over there a few times during
last out of control late 30s years in unhappy marriage/job etc. Shot
Flea seems like quite a few times - one of those "(unspoken) I know
we don't get along great, but (spoken) I need you for these ideas.",
usually for body/sexy pics where model has to be vain and want to
expose her body/part, pose Bettie Page style sexy), and she'd do it
for her own reasons. Cool. Some of those times may have been based
on my sexual desire, but I always tried to do good photos, even if
they were sexy photos. I had ideas. Never lied someone into posing
nude when all I really wanted was to see them naked.
Lisa & I 2x shot some 'modeling' style pics. Some awkwardness
during my post-divorce mid-life crisis; she was cute, smart,
partying etc. That was 20 years ago, another life.
Now it's cool and healing to find my and DJ/Buff networks
overlapping. She looks great, more like her mom, fun to talk to -
always was - , two lovely children, chasing each other around the
backyard paths while she & I catch up about what's happened in last
eight years, just like adults. And sordid past of divorce/drugs/bad
scenes not forgotten, but accepted as just life; and if we lived
through them, evolved, learned - then all good.
Told her to say 'hi' to her sister for me.
Oroville dam weak, overflowing, 100,000 evacuate.
Hang a bit after w/DJ/Buff, Tigress (?) dancer - eggnog, 2 bowls of
chili. When people invite you to come over, come over. Even if it's
awkward and I never get invited again, it's better than staying at
home and never taking chances. And now, it's a necessity. Accept
offers of friendship. Accept help.
Karen's point is - if I ever needed to ask someone for help, Sooz &
G&S were two friends I could count on. Losing G&Sooz - just reminds
me how alone and vulnerable we humans all are. Be strong. Have
contingency plans. Look into trailer parks in Ft Bragg. Keep in my
heart empathy for Mom and all others who have lost dear ones. Don't
be depressed and morbid, but also don't be empty-headed.
Eating good healthy food and walking around SF and parks for
exercise are both good. Maybe a good bike? See if I can fit bike
into trunk. Clean out Cammie trunk. Donate Siouxie to some liberal
cause like Planned Parenthood.
Get moving. Check in w/Stacey, but also get on with my life.
Come in, say hi, visit - don't crowd, or insert myself, be careful
to be respectful with women, my inclination to ask for nudes may be
honest and even sincerely out-of-the-box artistic, but it's still a
trigger for most women. Consider that.
Cell phone with facetime for K&Xo?
Still sinking in - gonna take along time to know what it is that
Gil is dead. For however long I live, Gil is not here. I saw him go,
got to help, had personal strength to help - I was scared, what if I
couldn't deal and stayed away? - , was able to give last love from
Karen & I, say goodbye. I keep thinking about positives to keep away
the pain. But negatives - deal with them, too. I will miss him as
long as I live. It hurts in places I can't quite see.
Back to work.
Sun Feb 12.17 II home bed 3:30
At home heated up BB chicken/noodles, called mom, I caught myself
rambling, bringing subject back to me/Gil's death - self-centered as
I am, even more so about this big event. I will do best I can, but
it is about me, and that's okay - for each individual it is about
their loss. Just don't expect, demand or swindle extra attention for
it. We all got our problems. Suck it up. Help Stacey. Take care of
my mental health. Don't drink. Visit friends. Connect to
Did laundry, lunch at Subway.
Now I'm alone today, feeling sad, a little scared about whole
"being alone and old" thing. S'okay - feel my feelings. Life can be
hard - alone or not. Have to take care of oneself. Prob not gonna go
into front house party - not feeling very social - need to get in
touch with these feelings and process, learn, accept. It's normal.
And.. ? Rest. Eat good food. Take care of myself.
Point is, it's okay for life to be hard, and sad. Should expect
nothing else. Look at all people in much more difficult situations
than mine. I have roof, friends, food, job, health. Focus on
positive. Learn how to get through. I can do this. As Mom said "It
sucks!" - but there's lots to enjoy.
Sun Feb 12.17 nm 11am
Too eventful to get even a small amount down -
Sat shower, breakfast heated up BB chicken noodle bowl, to
Monique & Dominique, Julia and Francesca's (now teens who will
converse with me) house to hang w/K, to 4th St press to drop keys
etc, back at Dom/Mon's take snaps in their apt in progress, great
place to shoot nudes if situation arises! - walk to breakfast place
in West Berk, steak & eggs, share bites K's pancakes & my potatoes -
walk back with Dom while K&M drive. Visitor Chris drops by to day
hi, K packs, talk, gave Mon bar of Filthy Cock soap. Printed gifts
from Mon & K, Monopoly and other stuff for me to mail to UK.
K&I big hug, I love you's, don't go, please stay! Understood
argument about Frida/gun pic was situational, missing each other's
point, emotional about Gil, her sick, us both tired etc. No problem,
maybe good for me to feel she now understands, for her to understand
me, and to have talked it through.
Lv for Oak airport ~3:30 - heavy traffic on 80, light as
expected on 880, we make it fine, drop he off, park, run in meet,
she's getting sicker and feeling crappy, meds at airport store,
cognac at airport bar. Hugs, goodbyes, love you's, take care of
yourself from her -
(she seemed concerned, esp. about my isolation with Gil&Sooz gone,
and - yes - I should take concrete steps to get out more etc.
Maybe volunteer somewhere? Don't assume rest of my life will be
lonely and alone etc. Don't overdo the 'well, I'm a introvert'
give-up. Be friends with those who would have me as a friend. Etc.)
- beautiful weather,, finally after week of overcast cold & rain -
Sooz's car runs great and is more comfy, better than Siouxie, made
day go more smoothly. It was good to have talked about abandonment
issues the night before - difficulty for me of her leaving, in light
of losing G&Sooz.
Anyway, we had time to talk about lots, including her & my
friendship, calling each other best friends and what those words
So good - a last day with lots of time in each other's presence,
alone time to talk, play (photos), check-in etc. Last weekend we
spent time together she jetlagged, me distracted by Gil's recent
death/Stacey support/my own grieving, Sooz's departure, new car - so
visit, quarrel, Sat breakfast/drive to airport, chat at
airport etc. Good.
We meant to smoke Gil's last cig together, but since she was sick,
said take it to UK and smoke it there.
Wish we'd had more time, she said she cried about Gil for 2 days, I
did not have time enough to hear her out about her Gil grief. I'm
sure it's okay - but maybe a Skype soon?
Call Sooz - she doesn't like email - call. Even from work?
Drive home easy - smoke ~5 cigs, sushi box, sleep ~9:30 for ~11hrs.
Ants on my rag -gah!
Today: Small load of laundry - bed clothes?
Week before Gil died: Tues leave work to spend day in
emergency room with G&S. Days of heavy rains, roof leaking heavily
into my bed, shorted out multi-plug - danger! - , caused tension
with DJ/Buff, I said this has to be dealt with now -
- , my best friend is dying of bone cancer, an electrical
fire could kill me (I didn't say that but assumed it
was obvious) and I can't deal with a leaking roof now. "All I
want to hear is you understand the New Normal is that Robert
doesn't get rained on, and this (pointing at wet bed covered
with soaked towels) is intolerable!" He understood.
Last 3 weeks since Gil died Tues Jan 24:
No work for 4 days;
Sat Jan 29 lunch with Stacey discuss her $ needs, write
check, agree to GoFundMe site; I think that was day man came to put
goop on skylight for $250, Buff said I could help pay if I wanted, I
did not respond.
Sun Jan 30 tears, bottle of sake, most of Gil's last pack of
Over week multiple visits with Sooz for goodbyes' car handover she
Wed Feb 1. One last short visit Tues pm, she gives me
bottle of expensive tequila - one small glass/night, one of Gil's
valiums/night. Careful. Sleep well. No cannabis.
My world is a little smaller, accepting that people leave and you
keep putting one foot in front of the other, is part of growing up.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. People get strongest at
broken places. This is normal. Live through it.
Poor Gil died young - 60 is not old. (remember this, I'm 62, vital
and healthy - don't put weight of Old tag on myself). But he
lived to see himself loved, acclaimed, applauded and honored both as
person, worker and musician. He died surrounded by people who loved
him who he loved. For me - He & I got to exchange words of love -
from both I & Karen - on his death bed, hours before he died with my
hand in his leg. Much comfort in that. My last words to him, "Gil,
it's Robert. I'm going to let the nurse in. I love you!" Robert
is here. He's bringing a nurse. Words of comfort. Anything you
want to give to a friend, has to happen while they are alive. I did
not sense any life in him in hours after he died, as his body got
cold, I felt fear.
Okay - I wouldn't mind a few days/weeks of quiet now.
Leaky roof tension
Day in emergency room
New car from Sooz
Set up GoFundMe page
Today. Be here now.
Sat Feb 11.17 nm
Talked w/K on phone for ~20mins last night and got clear on the
trouble - he exasperation comes across to me as I'm doing something
wrong, not making $$ off this, invalidating my reasons for not
gambling time/$$ on a venture likely as not to fail or barely break
even. Adding to that timing that's she's leaving and I want to see
her but too pissed. Urgh.
Feeling better, trouble getting to sleep, all tense and withdrawn -
felt like I was gonna make myself sick, morbid thoughts, normal in
circumstances, but don't wanna go there overmuch - worked on feeling
my whole body experiencing the world - maybe slept ~3-7? Enough to
get by. I can tell I'm still tense and emotional.
IM'd w/K this morning - fine - abandonment issues: Gil dies, Sooz
leaves, K leaving today. After that I can deal with Gil's death
more. It could be way way worse I know, still this is upsetting: I'm
sad she's going, that Gil died, and Sooz left town.
Okay - let it work itself out. It's not the end of the world.
Work fun & good, training, helping clients in dept in real-time,
quick support scanning passport style pics to specific size, running
to people's desks, bringing old CDs of offsite movies to Alumni
girl, taking photos, supporting fresh-hire with no company
experience - paying special attention - good for him, for company
and my reputation. Got facepages done after 6-week break, talked to
Recruiting about training issues - my vacation fits nicely between 2
sets of hires, but LA is wild card, uncertain if question of my not
being able to do 1-day LA trips is 100% settled. I am prepared to
make my case, and all day long I prove my dedication and status as
high-value Human Resource. Oughta be fine.
Have a few things to do: taxes, State for last year, set up power
of attorney (?), random list of learning, new work camera, have a
few ideas for training pages - placing labels, org charts, etc.
Visit Eric next week?
Made a 4-calendar page for years planned PTOs - WV visit in April,
4-day WEF weekend, 9 days Jun/Jul to Oregon, and 4-day Jazz/Blues
weekend. Want to sit down w/dept Mgr J and see what is up, because
I'm not sure, and uncertainty is no good. Bring upfront,
understanding, flexible is best. Not being able, or being pressured
not to take vacations for another year is not okay. They let me take
them last year, it was mostly Taf's unexpected departure that
screwed up my WV plans. Anticipate they will work with me.
Anticipate friendliness. Anticipate cooperation.
I'm good. It's good. Pain of change is normal. At my age, pain of
losing friends is normal. Life is good.
K - espresso, shower, drive K to airport ~2pm? 10:09am now.
Fri Feb 10.17 home 6:40pm
Bad timing to be sore, angry about an argument - showing Frida gun
etc to Dom/Dom daughter, K brought up $ could be made, I pushed
back, so we argued, and what it sounded ultimately like - as that
particular argument always does, is I'm a failure - because I feel
how I do and don't think odds are good that lots of $$ was in
offing. So she mentioned I wouldn't have got anything at all without
help of her friends (debatable), then brings angrily (if it sounds
like, looks like, feels like anger...) Blue into it - wants to hit
me in the face over and over.
Um, a) - don't be so aggressive about it in front of your friends,
b) It's a sensitive subject to bring up at all and c.) my best
fiends died of bone cancer a couple weeks ago after years of
suffering and it's not a good time to be attacking me, letting me
know you see me as a loser. Like Kristine did with Scott. Yes.
Apparently she has no clue why I might be upset. Understandable,
she tired, jet lagged, high pressure life right now etc. But come on
- apologize please. At least show some understanding.
So what to do? After work, drove to BB for berries/dinner, & next
door Walmart looking unsuccessfully for a new doormat. K's IM'ing
saying they could use a lift, or can Uber, am I okay? No, I'm not.
Maybe a cigarette would help. I'm feeling how I do when she brings
up K as victim of S's emotional distance: he was my fucking friend
and he committed suicide, radioactive, don't go there. I get into a
'fuck off' mood around that stuff, understandably, as she does with
I think she was mean and insulting, bringing Blue into it was a
unnecessary mistake. Sensitive esp right now - yes. Bad timing,
since this is her last night and I was planning to drive her to Oak
airport tomorrow. Anyway, I saw her last night, and Tuesday, and
over the weekend - so one missed night is no big deal, it'll be good
for her to have time with her friends. I don't want to go, is bottom
line, and I'm angry, so there's not point in hanging out and being
See how I feel tomorrow. Don't add pressure of this being "the
last night" - have a night alone - maybe I also just need some
time alone, to deal with Gil's death, I have not really done that,
having spent a week or so focused on Stacey, then this last week
focused on Karen - yes, yesterday I was beginning to feel loss of
Gil more directly, then this bullshit came up last night, reminded
me of bad times, insults, fear of failure, pressure to do things I
don't think I can do, don't really care to do, don't have time or
skills to do - discomfort and anger.
Having that fight in front of her friend made it - more painful.
Just IM'd K a couple sentences about how I'm feeling. See what
happens. Her phone dying, may not see it till later. Have a smoke,
that may help. And having said something. Been angry about it all
day - actually, I was pretty angry about it when I left D&D's last
night. So 24hr anger. Been trying to let go. Ready now?
I am ready to - I need to deal with the loss of Gil. And Suzanne.
Thurs Feb 9.17 nm
That Plough photo of Gi, Scott & I from 3mos before Scott's suicide
- Feb 2013 - Karen came into town, after work my street was blocked
by police action, I was fucking exhausted, needed nap, taxied to
Dom/Dom's where K was staying, dinner, taxied back but stopped in
Plough at midnight to say hi, take pics, hear talk of a Game Theory
album with Gil, Corner Laughers bassist Khoi, Joe/Sue producing, my
photos - oiled gears slid into motion.
They were my artistic collaborators - my playmates - art is my play
- With Scott photos, but he also took some of my musical advice,
seemed to be excited when I gave it, even when it was 'wrong', thank
you for that Scott - ; and Gil, photos, we did Shiny Wet Parts
music, drawings made into videos - OJ! - , live action videos,
edited '88 tour video together stoned out of our minds yet it came
out okay he saw me do my weird gyrating tilted in space button
punching to time edits to perfection, yet it came out good. Of
course it did. Those 2
played with me.
In my adult life I make up for my isolated youth. That's my excuse
anyway - we all suppress things when we are young: violence, theft,
rudeness, sex - as adults we do the things we didn't do when we were
young: violence, theft, rudeness, sex.
Point is - they were my friends - and collaborators, and playmates.
There's no one else like them, no friend I can look back on and say
- here is an artistic product/project we created together. There are
good friends with whom intimacies are shared, movies are watched,
music festivals are attended, drives are driven, beaches explored,
difficult times supported, meals eaten, living space shared, alcohol
consumed, good advice given, secrets kept safe, place to sleep
offered - those are as important - but the people who valued my
artistic/creative strengths and wanted to work with me, use
that - well, what a gift to me. Lucky bastard. Now that is over -
- as my youth goes, maybe the creative collaboration would have was
fading anyway. But those two.. well, good-bye, thank you, we were a
creative team for a moment I see that photo and see a core of
dedicated love for Game Theory/Scott. Other musicians came and went
then lost touch - Gil & I loved Scott and never lost touch - until
the last years when he was isolated in his marriage.
Anyway - okay - Wed - didn't see Karen.
Tues in-out early ~4pm, home, picked K up from Richmond,
re-explored book artists' tables, brought her sushi, call Stacey,
hang with Dexter, 99 Ranch for Hong Kong dinner including jook (rice
porridge w/white fish & white pepper - etc yum!!). I try to hang
back, keep quiet, let girls do girl-talk and have quality K*S time;
if Gil was there we'd have done guy-talk. I walked solo behind.
That's cool. Karen crashing from jet-lag/work. Drop her off Doms'
Couple trainings to day at work - 1st since Gil died - been 2
weeks? He knew he was gonna die and all he asked for was no pain and
for us to take care of Stacey. The GoFundMe jumped from 15K
Fri to almost 17 yesterday. Nice.
Long'ish art IM's with Tessa last week, Wed. Some about
erotica but smart and organic. Cool. We share about pieces, find
source, exchange art info. Fun.
I have not really sat down with myself and explored what this all
means to me on a daily basis. Been distracting with work and
Stacey's GoFundMe. What Gil wanted.
But what does it mean to me, to lose my fiend Gil, and also Sooz
moving to Oregon - 14hr drive - no more weekly visits, talk and
Cheeto. Karen mentioned it briefly Tues pm - she was
concerned, who do I have left nearby? Buff& DJ. Eric in Santa Rosa.
Stacey. Tom. Those are emergency folks - good to have them near. But
Sooz & Gil I saw regularly, now gone.
I may want/need to take steps to avoid negative impact of
isolation. But what? It may be I'll organically be sending out
shoots to other people, more time for others I get along with,
organically instinctively not be overbearing or needy. Online
friends from Davis Days - LR, LD etc. Nan?
Thing is, to acknowledge loss, honor empty space, not pretend it
doesn't hurt, make me feel more lonely, vulnerable etc. Open my mind
to it - be positive - look for positive steps to
take going forward - but acknowledge the loss. It is major and
Okay - 8:42 - home for work prep soon.
Mon Feb 6.17 nm
Sun up ~8, Nomad - Karen/Dom's ~10:30 - hungry - I can
usually get away with a smoothie, then snacks at work till 2pm, but
need more current circumstance, Gil grief and K in town. On way to
book fair we pull off at Solano, breakfast place near top,
really good breakfast, more time to chat about both our lives, look
at her photos of Art friends, easy drive & park to Richmond book
event she is photographing, overcast, sea birds squawking, amazing
view of SF! I hang for an hour, walk through all the art book
publisher aisles 2x, have coffee, but feeling like I need to get
back to bed. Partially because LD's Sat night calls stressed me,
made me lose sleep - need to consider if that deal worth it. Fel
sad, want to hang with K for hours, but queasy ill body feeling says
get home, to bed.
So home, to bed, ~6 gonna walk to BB, but WTF drive, 1 minute later
downpour, so driving is good. Sushi, berries, jelly beans pudding
Had talked a bout picking up K ~8:30, or coming over for soup, but
she had ride home and was wiped out, and I didn't mind staying in,
tho I always want to take advantage of times to see her.
Weekend was so broke up: Nap after work Fri then
dinner at Dom&Doms - Sat pick up K, Rockridge AAA/DMV Sooz's
car, 4th St Mac Store, Mexican lunch, browse stores, - something
else - evening, hang at Dom&Dom just K&me for a couple hours
Sun drive her to book show, hang. we may not see each other
again, not alone anyway, but we did have several times, which we/she
did on purpose. So good. Thank you Karen, in spite of exhaustion,
for making time for me.
Drive last night in rain, or super early this morning for 5min
drive to campus would have been silly, not really quality time.
Maybe an hour or so after work this week, to see Stacey? Just see if
it can be made to happen. But maybe it can't.
Found some cool Ex Libris erotica Sun, shared with a few Art
friends who like erotica.
Couple macro jelly bean and abalone selfies to certain friends.
Evening, after picking up/visiting K was called off for rain,
alternative ride & exhaustion: pot, light show, youtube history of
Godfather, bucket of pudding & whole bag of jelly beans.
Up - best to nip that in bud - I need to grieve over Gil - grieve,
don't get fat and unhealthy or drink over it. Finished Sooz's good
tequila one small glass/day, finished Gil's cigs except for one last
one for K&I.
Now - deal with Siouxie, donate to Planned Parenthood if I can, do
taxes, get pile of papers in order. Get iPad mini, maybe also iPhone
if I can get a deal. I can afford 4100/month if I have to.
But start saving again - $$ to Stacey took a bite, and still poss K
will need 10. So, be good.
2hr training this afternoon.
Sun Feb 5.17 nm
Sat pm ~7 Karen IM'd - I was already in bed, dressed drove
to Peter's 4th St studio, where party she was photographing was
ending. Dark not safe neighborhood, glad I went for her tho Dom/Dom
house only ~5 blocks away; corner market for fun food for D/D -
stopped in talked till ~9 - that was good, our first real chill time
alone comfortable inside to talk about UK
house/divorce/Gil/Sooz/money/court/Xo/Lo/my job/iPads/trust funds
everything. And I could focus on her & I, a step away from Gil/Sooz
grief etc. Confirmation Xo is very aware of Sooz and I as people in
her life; she is not a child now, but a young adolescent, but still
birthday videos are a good thing.
Gassed Cam for first time.
Bringing Gil's last cigarette for us to share.
At home more IM w/DL, sent pic while I was out, but didn't like it,
I did, tho gave artistic advice (natural vs. electric light) we
chatted, she emotional unhappy. Called 3x, landline & cell, after I
was falling into asleep. Uh. No. Do I need to say it? Yes. Don't
dick around. Best to be frank in this potentially volatile
situation. Just IM'd and did my best to be friendly but draw
boundary. Unannounced calls at highly emotional times are not part
of our weird friendship - calls are not off table. But I think our
thing is mainly going to stay online. There's too much temptation,
that powerful sexual stuff drags emotions in with it, that will not
do any good. I want this not that. Rather than drag that in I will
do without. We know this. It is fun playing online doctor. We are
too different in too many ways to make it. Big mistake. You know -
there's also - if I have to think about it this much, maybe it's a
mistake? But she says she wants it, understands the boundaries,
finds it fun and fulfilling, and knows she sometimes goes overboard,
but wants it anyway. We have taken long breaks. we had long talks.
It's okay till we decided it's done. There's some understanding
from back in 1980 - I think we want to keep that connection to
memories, like mine with Gil's around Game Theory. Part of ours is
dabbling in the sexual tension from back then, and part of the
tension pleasure if probably the emotions and passionate feelings it
brings up now - getting the juices flowing, but not letting it
manifest itself. So naturally there's fucked up moments. That's part
of the deal. As I just IM'd her. I do hope we can pull it off.
The pics bring a flowery fulfilling pleasure into my life.
Get an iPad.
Go to Dom/Dom ~10:30am, to drive K to Richmond book
fair ~11 - prob come home at some point, then pick her up, then
maybe visit Stacey on way home ~7:30, or some evening during week.
9:55 now - home ~10:10 - pack carefully, 10mins to K's.
Sat Feb 4.17 MAC store 4th St w/K
Getting up early for 7am wk open was tough, fortunately work was
slow, and I have been pretty emotionally stable since Fri melt down.
After work Fri, napped hard, dinner with Monique and
Dominico - that was fun, just the 4 of us.
Today up early, Nomad, pick up Karen, stop at Nomad for her
breakfast, Rockridge AAA, Register Sooz's car and get paperwork to
donate Siouxie, Mon/Dom's pick up stuff, snack, 4th St.MAC store,
Mexican restaurant. Raining and Chinese New Year events, easy
Stacey's GFM doing well, almost $14K. Cool.
Super slomo of LR/DilEntry interesting/arousing. Filmed myself,
sent to her, as per request (long as it is real).
Keep thinking of asking for similar from LDun. A bit of emotional
drama there, to. Get real - their pussies, our cocks, are attached
to our emotions and sexual selves, can't be separated except by
sociopaths. When I ask for those shares, I ask them because it
matters that's them and me, so it is fucking with their emotions.
So, don't be a sociopath.
At 4th St MAC store got a # to call to clear out my Apple accounts,
start anew, get iPhone - or iPad! - through shop near work, learn to
text, books from Kindle. Only works with wifi. Gonna be ~1K/year if
I pay for iPad mini monthly along with data. I need to learn this
stuff if I'm going to work again. I can do that, and good to keep up
on modern technology in case I need it for future job. Things are
shaking up at work, as we move into hew space, and they want best
Paid rent, added up my budget for year, looks about as
expected. Still close to 50 in both actual and predicted, $300 to K.
Napped/slept till ~ 4, checked in w/K, no response, asked LD for
specific images, no response but said she was open, after laundry,
walk to BB for dinner/groceries - I think this low level grief about
Gil is tiring me out.
Not quite grounded. Get it together. My life has changed without
Gil, and with Suzanne moved out of town - bad timing with her and my
shared experience, but we can still talk!
New car. Get mini iPad. Get back on the health kick. Fewer snacks.
Learn work camera. Learn iPad, texting.
Let the GoFundMe take care of itself - Stacey is on it, it's
spreading slowly through friends, acquaintances.
Do my own life. No word from Shelley. K says that's too much to
hope for. Yeah. Probably. But some kind of communication would be
wise - as other people, or she, or I die, it would avoid regrets to
have something live between us.
Sun morning take K to Symposium book show, then prob pick
her up in evening. Hope to visit with Stacey some evening during
Thurs Feb 2.17 bed lights out 9:04pm
Up @5:30, wk @7 - mainly light work, but full 8hrs, but nothing
Stacey's GFM almost $12K - yay! Seems to be spreading on its own.
:-) People I know can barely afford it giving 10-20. Love that.
Karen flew into town, some confusion around that, where to and how.
Drove to where she's staying - Francesca & Dominique - wine, chat
about Blue/Gil/etc - stopped @BB on way, groceries including sushi &
seaweed for her. Talked about trying to be more forgiving for Gil's
memory, and in time of shared grief. Some way to show tour slides to
In early again Fri. Fixed online provider for
Make appt for AAA/DMV Saturday morning to register Sooz car
and get new Pink Slip for Siouxie. Pick up succulent from Sooz. K
maybe visit Stacey?
Mentally foggy. So much going on, and emotions, and work.
But mainly okay - just , as I told Lo, more life going on than
Eating jelly beans - mmm. Snacking a lot at work. Gaining weight.
Feeling old. Get a grip.
Make slo-mo of LR dildo tomorrow.
End of an era with Gil dead. No more enjoying tour video we made
together - or watching tour slides and laughing. He & Scott were my
artistic collaborators. At least we got something done. Right now
I'm feeling grateful for all the time we had together. Sooz
suggested missing him and sadness will come later. Yeah.
Local headquarter guy laid off, so our dept no longer had direct
contact in area - so how does this affect days off/vacation etc?
Dunno. We'll see. The $$ for Stacey takes a bite out of budget. K
could use some help but I'm feeling pinched. I'll be okay - and K's
$ situation is beyond my ability - if I keep giving now, what if
house needs big chunk? And what about me? Gotta hold on sometimes.
Feeling a little stretched.
Bed early - last Valium -
Wed Feb 1.17 nm Sippin' Tequila, one smoke 8:07pm
This is nothing - well, okay. Something. But so long as my health
is good, I have no room to complain.
Tues pm visited Sooz after work, she thought she had an
extra copy of Cammy keys, but were from diff Toyota. Said good-byes
- okay - already wrote about that last night. Glad for last visits.
At wk R drops that he's out tomorrow and Fri - sigh -
so I'm in 7am. It's okay - today was emotional because The GoFundMe
for Stacey rolled out - $9,400 first day - that is damn good I
guess? Now we'll have to work harder for the rest, but still - if we
can even get to $15K that will be something great. Our friends are
artists and musicians with their own families and troubles to take
care of - they don't have a lot to spare - people giving $25-$50
they can barely afford. It is so appreciated. It keeps sad emotions,
Stacey's being alone, missing Gil & my shared memories, in my face -
tomorrow I'll need to focus on work, let love and momentum carry
I made a fb folder for pics for Stacey to choose from, then just
made it public. It all sort of happened on its own, I just filled in
a form, Wynn & Kate wrote text, Stacey gave me photo to use. He was
my friend, without thinking I'm doing things one does for a friend.
That's good. I'm not doing or feeling anything that makes me feel
like a jerk. That's all one can ask. I'm not doing it to feel good.
I'm doing it because that's what you're supposed to do. You don't
get a star for it. You get the pleasure of the knowledge you are
doing the right thing.
I'm making people feel good. I can enjoy that. Gil would be happy
to see it. To see everyone coming together for Stacey. Yay. Oh, God
Sooz called today from Carquinez bridge on way to OR
- reminded me I forgot to take succulent - pick it up from
driveway tomorrow night? Said Jack no longer needs ride to airport.
Sad. Missing her already. Glad we saw each other 3-4, 5x this last
week or two, had time to talk about Gil and other life things. No
I have enough for tomorrow's smoothie, so staying in.
Step away - I need to register Cammie, & get a replacement Pink
Slip for Siouxie. And also be there for Karen while she's in town.
Get some dollars for her tomorrow?
Just paid cc balance. Life goes on.
My commitment to friends G&S remains same with slight shift in
It is going to be okay. Dumped my trash, recycling & compost into
bins for tomorrow's pick-up. Keep eating healthy. Do my job.
Trainings next week. Compartmentalize FundMe page separate from
work. Do not advertise my grief around Gil. It is no different than
everyone else's grief.
Keep breathing, moving, loving.
Be here now. Let go. Adulthood means less drama.
Reading Elmore Leonard's short stories.
Got to share private nude pics with Gil, of mutual friends no one
else has seen. Once in a lifetime, you know? A friend. Okay.
Shared last pics of G with Sooz.
Thank you Peggy for sharing your beauty with me. 1979 Davis.
Tues Jan 31.17 home bed 10:42PM
After work went to Sooz's for one last sweet real goodbye to her
and Cheeto - leaving early tomorrow morning. Talked about our
friendship, how much she means to me, how we talk about
everything and she has watched me mature, and noticed it in ways
no one else can.
Then home for a few sips of tequila, one of Gil's smokes, set up a
GoFundMe for Stacey. Waiting for her approval to go public tomorrow
morning. Doing page for Stacey is good soul work. Wynn & Kate wrote
text. Stacey chose photos. I just filled out forms. It is
appropriate that I have that honor, as a good friend, and to share
it with his he rest of our community. It helps me. If not heal.
Helps me not get stuck in his gone-ness.. I dearly hope it goes very
well for Stacey. She needs a break.
Still have to register Cammie and get Pink Slip for Siouxie.
Peggy 1979 Davis.
Tues Jan 31.17 nm
So - Tuesday - but no more Sooz TV nights. with Gil's death
I have not been able to focus on that and deal with the loss, not
really. we have had several recent visits, lunch, the car, talked
about it and around it - it being we will miss each other -, joked
about being in denial. So not like it hasn't been dealt with as well
as possible. It's okay - I mean - I think we faced it, said we'd
talk on phone, Skype.
I have lost two friends this in a week - Sooz is my go-to friend
who recently lost her best friend after a long-term illness, so she
knew exactly what I was going through.
So don't minimize it, be gentle and understanding on myself. Honor
them by mourning the loss, recognizing weight of value loss. My life
is emptier, lonelier.
Gil was my last direct connection to Game Theory - we shared the
good and bad memories, the slide are almost meaningless now, and
alto of the photos. So much of that was me shooting him and him
enjoying being shot.
Sooz is Xoxo's Godmother, she was my last truly direct connection
to Karen - and Xoxo - in town. Shit we've known each other almost as
long as I've known Karen.
I added up some financial stuff, for peace of mind.
For ~16years I have spent on average $25/week on snacks for TV
night. That's $100/month, $1200/year x ~15 - so as far as the Camry
goes, not to minimize it is a symbolic gift of love - but it comes
in light of thousands of dollars of food. So there's that. Not that
needed that - or maybe I did. I did 'pay' for it, in my own
way. You give you, sometimes you get back. Not to mention other
generosities only Sooz is aware of. we talked about all the stuff in
Went to visit Stacey last night with 2nd half of initial cash gift
- have been worried about the money going out (esp 'cause k might
still need hers), it's not a small chunk of change, more may be
necessary. I promised G&S both I'd do it and I am good doing the
right thing, but - was feeling some stress and minor resentment
- what am I getting aside from the knowledge I am helping a friend
and doing the right thing - that is MORE than enough - yet, my
wallet - cries a little - a natural reaction :-) -- then I
thought, I got Sooz's car for free, $ for S was what I thought I
might offer for car if it was a purchase - so, that money was
already 'spent' in my head. $$ for Stacey it what I would have paid
It helped to think of it that way. That $ was already gone.
So got that worked out. That's not over thinking. That's getting
right with myself and avoiding resentments.
Last night looked through photos for Gil's FundMe, discussed target
amount to ask for, talked about pics for memorial Joe/Matt setting
up, changed Gil's fb page pics, talked to Dexter.
I really ought to learn how to text - bite the bullet - get an
iPhone, not a Mac, $80/month for data, learn it.
I'm recalling how it looks to me when other people suffer personal
losses - divorces, deaths, illness - from a distance, you can not
feel their pain - not even close up, not really - we all suffer
alone. So when people offer me condolences for Gil, accept their
well-meaning words as in it's the thought that counts, say thanks
and unless they ask for them not too man, or no, details. Am I
alive? Roof over head? Mobile? Can I feed and clothe myself? Then
the appropriate answer is: "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking."
God bless Jennifer for bring there, for being a calming presence
and support for Stacey.
Today - set up GoFundMe, and Register Camry, and see about getting
a new pink Slip for Siouxie. Move Siouxie every three days. Don't
give her to anyone who I don't trust to immediately go out and
register her in their name. Donate her to charity connected to
Okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Sad about Suzanne.
Shit - Karen gonna be here Thursday, I'm not going to be able to
pick her up, for first time ever(?), too many days off lately for
illness and Gil. Shit. Hate it. Sorry. But give her some cash? Check
w/Mechanics to make sure my amount has gone up.
Don't worry so much about $$. I'll be okay. The future? What makes
me think my idea of a trailer home at 75 will come true? I
could die tomorrow. Do the right thing today. Being able to live
with myself is very important. whether I have 30, or 40, or 50, or
60 doesn't matter that much - it's a symbolic number that comforts
me - but it's still symbolic. Okay - so that has importance to me.
But weigh in other factors as well. If I have one friend, I am rich.