Sun Feb 26.17 nm
Sat ate 5-day-old WF salad bar, yummy and worked! Drive to SR ~1,
easy traffic - yay! - first long-'ish drive in Cammie - Deva? -
power steering, cruise control - wow - radio - wow! wow - radio is
really bad. Bring out the tapes - cool! Sunny day, sun roof - had a
moment panic at Berkeley 580-80 split - where am I going?!?!
It's been months - stopped leaving town after Gil went into hospice
~2.5 months ago. No prob - Peets in SR - Eric's ~3, he looks good -
we both look old, but he doesn't look sick/flu'ish like sometimes.
Brought CBD pot, book, he gave me knife to replace one left at hospital
security, and a phone - my landline has a busy signal since ~1 week
ago - tired Eric's at home and still busy signal - so maybe
something wrong with connection? Email LMI.
Joy ride cammie to show how she does - feels wrong - not hippie funk like
me - but have to say she's nice, and a cool love gift. Grown up car.
Eric asked if I'd ever bought a car - opposed to gift - 'cause I've
had Red Van from Shelley, Siouxie from Karen/Iain, now Cammie from
Sooz. Had to think. First VW was really bought by Anne Newman (?)
because when we broke up she kept it. Then - what? Baby I lived in
~1982-83 I bought from Craft Center Nancy 1982. Then green VW van -
I'd almost forgot about - 1984. Shelley's red van. Dodge Dart -
barely remember that, so must have been early 90s party years. Blue
Toyota from Chae ~1995? No idea. Then Siouxie, now Cammie.
VW Anne Newhall's 1975
Toyota Baby 1982-84
Green VW van 1984 - 1987?
Shelley's red van 1988-94
Dodge Dart ? early 90s ?
Blue Toyota Corolla mid-late 90s
Geez - and only one DUI - in Chae's blue Toyota Jan 1997.
So last Jan was 20th anniversary, and I was not aware. Gil was happening.
But also good not to get to hung up in the past. Live and breath
Anyway - talked about Gil's death w/Eric, how I'm feeling - that was good
- different kinds of deaths, all different, trying to find lessons
is fraught, since few will apply to all e.g., tell everyone quickly,
quit your job etc; also he said it's normal the way your mind
tightens up, gets clear and serious, drops pettiness and neurosis in
a crisis - still, glad to see it worked for me as well.
Sushi's and split Kobe beef dinner, hot sakes, chocolate dessert. On way
home I noticed body aches had disappeared - elbow still sore - but
seeing Eric was good for my soul. Which just goes to show -
something! Importance of friends.
Was gonna do breakfast w/Stacey this morning - she emailed, no sleep, just
a visit, and likely need to extend GFM page further to help pay for
memorial. Sigh. Awkward to ask for second helping, since we just
made that first 20K - but if we promote it specially for memorial,
maybe a separate GFM? Check in with Kate, Wynn etc group for
I think I am still in long-term Gil phase - from time he got sick, years
of bad news, painful debilitating treatments, etc, now in post-death
continuation, support & memorial - still to come, living life in a
world without my friend Gil in it, and maybe being triggered
unexpectedly - that's what I'm told to anticipate.
Today - call Mom, Sooz(?), visit Stacey, laundry in afternoon. Organize
cammie trunk/back seat, org papers more, groceries. I thought of
something I could get from from Urban Ore - now can't recall what it
Alrighty - this blog - it's good for this.
Medium-sized cell phone - doesn't have to be iPhone/Mac - long-life
battery, voice recognition, GPS, Siri, only need ~20hrs month calls
and 1000 texts - if that! Not gonna watch TV on it.
Sat Feb 25.17 nm
First month post-Gil, I'm far from past it: body aches, mortal gloom
constantly on mind, no creative energy, empty disengaged worldview.
Fri after wk up Sacramento to Chinatown, achy limbs
stopped me from walking to top of hill/down Powell - it's not lack
of energy, or mental depression, it's physical feebleness - still,
slowly up to Stockton, into Mac store, asked a few questions -
- if I'm gonna do both phone and tablet, gonna be a couple grand - well,
~$500 each - then ~$100/month - . I can do that. Need to clean out
Apple accounts and see if my SS# is still screwy - maybe no tablet.
Just simple phone with good battery lots of memory. Thing is - do
one of the other - a medium-sized phone prob all I need. But - a tab
I could maybe use instead of laptop? Laptop for art? Nah. Don't need
- got a seat on BART, enjoying Buford's autobio -
Super-busy work, still haven't broached vacations with Jeff. Do that soon!
Uptightness, discomfort is in me, not on work. They have almost
always accommodated my vacations. I have fears around asking for
them from authority. Fear of authority - church, parents, bosses -
own it. It's on me to deal with it and find comfort in
myself. Morning guy Randy taking Mon-Tues off - so it
is not a problem. It is not forbidden. Just ask.
I am so full of fears. Fear nothing.
Today: Eric in Santa Rosa ~3 - meantime, groceries, shower, cottage
care, lunch. Call Mom. Online taxes?
Sun check in with Stacey - drop off pic of her father & note from Mom.
Walk around Tilden? It's good to get out and walk even if I am slow
and achy. Do it. My body needs exercise and fresh air. This
feebleness makes me feel old and doomed. Fuck it. Poor Gil. He
suffered a lot, but he hung on. Smoked and drank till the end.
The lessons we get from out parents. Dad - hide your anger, take life very
seriously, argue to win, be judgmental, live, do your duty.
Losing Gil, also - he was a window from which I watched his musician
friends & network from NC - also Bay Area - gone. Not that many had
become actual friends - it expanded my world - exposed different
POVs, talents etc. Gone? Dunno. Like when Scott died, a loudfan
SteveH said he feared loss of friend network - didn't happen,
connections/friendships remained. So - it will sort itself out. Let
organic change do its thing. Don't grasp or cling. I actually look
forward to seeing Donnette - some trepidation around Shelley. What I
can do is forgive her for not defending me when Chris slandered me
in front of friends - that was 20years ago - she was high as
a kite and her life in some turmoil, we were entirely different
people. I don't even know who she is anymore. Not sure I ever
did. Let it go. It was a rotten thing to do - but if I'm gonna
forgive myself, need to forgive her, too.
Hard - not as hard as family hard - but hard. Let it go. Do my best.
Breath in and out love and forgiveness. Take 1/2 a Valium.
Think about N now and then - maybe should entirely let it go. I
kept it alive? Reached out, long calls, drove to Davis, etc etc. She
enjoyed that maybe (?), and it was good to have support when Scott
died - but - it is not there. She did send a couple of IMs, asked if
I wanted to drive to Davis to see her, but no suggestion/invitation
to talk/converse - that's just her, but what am I sposed to do with
it? When I look too close, I probably want more than is healthy -
sexual fixation - can see where that's causes discomfort. But since
she generates that from men, it ought to be something she can deal
with - and I thought we'd found an honest balance. Then there's her
disappearing, coming to CA without telling me. Gil telling me about
K (?) party "Nan was there." So, is there any room for contact -
when I think about it - I remember my anger when she was here around
Scott memorial(?), and went to coast, no contact for a week, then
sent pics of headlands said 'I thought of you when I saw this!' Grr.
I thought we were supporting each other. When it came down to it she
disappeared. Not sure if we can have a low-key non-public
friendship. But - better to try than not. What could go wrong? Don't
judge or explain. Just a talking friendship, no visits, avoid
expectation of public friendship? No weight on it at all. Sure. Why
not. She is not into apologizing or defending / explaining herself,
so don't expect anything there.
Obviously I want contact. And what is available is low-level and screwy.
So - don't let perfection be the enemy of adequate.
Maybe a call about Gil.
I'll need a phone. Get a phone and headset. Yes.
Fri pm sleep ~10? Slept well, up ~6, then back to sleep till 8.
Pangs of grief - just have to keep moving, breathing, walking talking
working eating excreting etc.
Blogging - or journaling - whatever this is.
Just relax - don't do anything - get back into the life groove, and if I
wanna reach out to Nan, Fred or anyone from that scene - wait till
time is right.
A chair leg is missing, I feel off-balance, let it happen.
Thu Feb 23.17 nm
Almost 4 weeks since Gil died - adjustments and sorting out lifelong?
Mainly remembering happy times, good memories, tour, Taylor St,
hanging out in their condo - I've been warned by Sooz & such to
expect waves of sadness. Currently still in - I dunno what -
avoidance, duty. And..
.. GFM (Go Fuck Me?) site reached goal - over $20K (thanks for Brad&G). I
filled in page, posted to a few fb pages, and only got that done
with supporting push from core group, text from Wynn & Kate - ; 100s
of people, including many who can ill afford it, some who didn't
know Gil - Mom, Lynn, Lo - have donated. Community came together in
20s and 100s. I somehow expected more of an affect once we made goal
- that everything would be fine, Gil would come back from dead - but
no. Don't miss what just happened. Network.
Anyway - step back from it. Don't impinge in Stacey's privacy & grief, but
also be there for her. Let balance work itself out.
Tumblr IM's w/LR last night, more vib/vid talk - detailed description.
That's a good balance, we both gain/enjoy/learn.
Maybe now that GFM page reached goal - leave it up for future support as
people learn about it, have means to donate in future -
- now I can do taxes/donate Siouxie etc.
In early Wed for global call - cinnamon roll on way home, BART 2
stations backward to get seat for whole ride - enjoying Gil's
Bruford autobio - drive (it's cold!) to BB for berries, clam chowder
dinner, 18 eggs (1 carton lasts <1 week).
Sleep well - wake stretched out, solid in pillows, out of dream - thought
for sure it was Saturday! - Thurs??? Work
day??? Making goal was very important to me - felt I had
responsibility to put word out, show gratitude, acknowledge
donations publicly - not I can relax. Happy for Stacey. Can't
imagine what she's feeling - she is hanging out with her women
friends, that makes sense - on Gil's day, men went out to forage for
take-out Chinese, women - Kate, Jennifer, Wynn - stayed with Stacey.
It's a thing. It's understood.
Okay. Now what? Now life goes on - ever changing - I need to daily remind
myself to be here now, not 20 years ago to rose-tinted Taylor
memories, not fearful imaginings of 20 years from now when
supposedly I'll be old and alone etc. Fuck all that. Here. Now. Live
Attention will drop away. Low key it.
Tues pm back to Sushi-Ko - their closing night (they
told me they were closing Tues when I ate there Mon
pm) - they were emotional talkative, grateful to me - 3-4 of them
stopped to talk to me, thank me, share - gift oysters, small sake
bottle, ice cream dessert. Awww. Sad for them - out of job!?! After
decades there. It was my comfort food, chicken udon, Food TV show
home away from home. Bit uncomfortable going Tues night, knew
there'd be sad attention - but also felt I ought to be present
for a place/people - familiar faces - that added pleasure & value to
my life for years.
Okay. Back to work. Berk Rep Fri - first one of season, after
missing 1st 3, mainly due to Gil stress.
Eating good food - Green Bar at work.
Get back on bike, and after-work walks.
Change shirt every day? Been back in the grief-distracted 2-3 days; during
winter maybe I can get away with it, but why bother.
Saw Stacey's pics of coast trip w/group who was with us Gil's day - felt
old lifelong "I wasn't invited." pang, but really - would I have
wanted to go? Nah. They are her - and Gil's - friends. Don't
intrude. Not about me. Be glad for her, and them.
Tue Feb 21.17 cottage am
Mon for papers sorted, other cottage org. Drank most of bottle of sake
throughout day. Glued heads in deities. Org book shelf. Papers into
file box. Trimmed hair.
~5 downtown for Sushi-Ko - they are closing today! Dragon roll, they
gave me one large hot sake free, left $100 tip, in gratitude for
years of enjoyment, $20 to chef, 1/2 priced book - raining -
Home, 3 hits, bag of jelly beans, watch 88 GT tour video - that was actually quite fun, it's
been years, scat humor sometimes embarrassing, scanned through a
couple of musical bits, at times story is interesting/compelling, a
few times I had to stop & laugh - some funny stuff! - sleep ~10?
Mom sent envelope for Stacey.
Okay - cottage & yard (gravel beds) in better shape, papers organized -
taxes, new registration for Siouxie so I can donate her -
3 day weekend was helpful. Lost Gil, Sooz, and Sushi-Ko.
Mon Feb 20. 17 II home 1pm
PBJ, glass of sake, hot shower, divided papers up: car insurance, car
ownership, Siouxie papers, tax forms, letter from Mom, misc, AARP,
etc. Also, pull plastic container from beneath bed for negatives,
others into GT box, slide carousels & projector beneath be - or - in
trunk to loan to Stacey. Or keep it out to photograph projected
slide off wall.
Feeling good. Rainy. Cold. Hot shower tried my best to own attraction to
NB, starting with early Davis GT crush. I misunderstood, she never
signaled interest beyond low level but intimate conversations
friendship, if that; what I call "cock-teasing" is little different
than attention needing/flirting I do that sometimes hints at more
and leaves people feeling rejected and hurt (not only women,
potential fiends I hide or have hidden from). So keep that in mind.
What bothers me most in others are my own traits.
So I was hurt. So what? Fuck it. Give her a call.
Mon Feb 20.17 nm
Yes, well, if it was sunny maybe I'd do an easy 7 miles in Pt Reyes, but
it's raining, yesterday & last night - cool - I dig it - trails will
be soaked for months - look into trails that don't become mud traps.
Sun Sat around a lot, some CWD - tumblr porn site/pics shares with
LR; moved Siouxie, untied/removed Cammie rack from roof. What to do
with it? Call Planned Parenthood for donation. Called Mom, she has
books to give back to me, it gets awkward because I more or less
know what's going on around my reaction to Gil's death, and
maintaining, but it's so much on my mind I tend to go on about it -
which she understands and it's cool. And what a blessing at 62 to be
able to talk to Mom @93(?), get her advice, and share my life with
her, ups-and-downs and all, snd she shares hers with me.
Drove to WF for salad bar & sake, then to BB for eggs, bananas, jelly
beans (for K), books to give/take books up street; lamp shade I
thought I'd tossed still on front seat - good news! - taped it
3 hirs cannabis, photoshop play, Sopranos clips on YouTube, my own fb
videos: Game Theory live in Philly/Hoboken/Mendo waves etc -
restless(?), up past midnight, sleep till ~7. Yummy smoothie. Good O
w/L vid. Do that regularly, good to keep juices flowing/blood
pumping. I'm only 62, if I live to 80 there will be many years with
essentially no sex drive. Mentally prepare to accept that
When young man sex was answer to most pressing concern - demanding flesh
stick - hunger that can't be denied - mental obsession - the rut -
rites of fertility. Now: Survival; ideally in comfort - roof,
warmth, food, companionship. Social Security is immediate answer,
and whoa be unto him who touches it. Landscape if littered with the
Reminder - best moment of my life, this breath - to have a life at all,
and be able to enjoy it. There is no tomorrow, much less 10 or 20
years from now. get off it and live now.
Just had an espresso & lox bagel.
Sun pm dinner WF hot bar beans/rice/chicken, BB sushi box later.
Shifting diet back to health-focus. Cut back on snacks, and get back
to after-work walks asap. It's a plan.
Game Theory rereleases not as much fun without Gil here. I don't foresee
small future GT get-togethers, not with Shelley & I at odds,
distance - Donnie in Nebraska (?) - when it gets down to it, I'm not
that interested either - but we are at least in touch. Who knows?
Miracle? Without those two - Scott & Gil - , you just have us
satellites. It was a good run GT was, & I've lived to see GT records
rereleased to some acclaim, my documentation - photos, board tapes,
videos - valued; my Big Shot support/rehearsal workspace honored,
shared pleasure with good friend Gil. And the music(!) I love,
rediscovered. Dan V has not admitted live tapes he publicly
disparaged are, for some people/reviewers, some of best stuff from
re-releases. He wouldn't come to get them, look me in eye; Gil had
to be go-between. WTF. Shelley's regrets that chicken farm Lolita
Nation release party wasn't more of a reunion (I admit to petty
schadenfreude); goes to show failure of that strategy. It failed and
now it's too late. Get off the meth. No more fighting old battles
(say it to myself first). But that also means that wire is dead. No
messages to send through if we did connect.
Gil's love/humor would have been glue/cushion to break tension at GT
reunion party. That opp probably died with him? His memorial will be
an opp to at least say hi, and maybe get a few photos. That will be
interesting and hopefully not too intense. I was totally freaked out
at Scott memorial - that was different - still in shock, father
recently died - too many old faces from Davis scene. I fell to
This will be different. Civilized. Shared grief. Polite hi & hug for
Shelley & Donnette - that's all that's required - then - mingle.
It's raining today. Not 10, 20, 30 years ago.
I am GT archivist: live tapes, photos, videos. I play that role, &
otherwise stay out of the way. Whatever they ask for, I deliver. If
they choose recordings or photos I dislike, I say nothing. Decided
early on not to be 'that guy'. Difficult. A meddler. I was/am
easiest guy they work/ed with - based on a few war stories Gil
shared. I think it would have been healing for DV to come get GT
board tapes from me face-to-face, to soothe my pride after years of
disparagement - Gil wouldn't say much, but from his lack of eye
contact and body language, there was obviously some stuff going on I
felt like, 'Why all the concern and dancing around his feelings,
what about mine?' But in the end, I did the right thing. Of course.
Okay - tap tap tap - pee, walk home, shift papers around, negatives in
box, home for slide projector, glue heads on deities, get organized.
Eat. Drink - I'm a bit dehydrated.
Sitting here at Nomad 11am is good. Thank you. Grateful. I want this.
Sun Feb 19.17 nm
Some glowing sun through clouds this morning, now overcast and sposed to
rain all day - beginning to feel like it will; so, no S Rosa for
sushi, nor Olampoli for fresh air and nature.
Sat pm BB soup/bread, then front house for 2 episodes of Deadwood
w/Buff, one hit off free dispensary joint. That worked! Great show!
Slipped a little on mud patch near trash bins, shoveled slimy mud into
bed/dump bucket of gravel on it. Caring for yard - especially! -
being able to appreciate yard's beauty, a sign of a good mental
space - this morning noted beauty/value, somewhat intellectually -
days/months/years when I innocently revel in it, are good times.
These are too. Don't hierarchy my life too much. Every breath is
good. Even hard times.
I'm generally gloomy ail the time - constantly try to bring myself up -
it's over small things, not small to me tho - big ultimate thing to
deal with is we're going to die, so how should we live?. I think
that's what religion is about, and maybe that's of interest - tho
terrifying damned to burn for all eternity child-murdering enemy
raping/slaughtering war God human sacrifice Jesus mythos is probably
not gonna fly.
Shit, at his heart maybe Hitler was a Christian, but you have to ignore
all his crimes; religion, ignore all our crimes and corruption, and
focus on our core message of love. Yes, but... too much baggage, too
many things to ignore.
How about for next read - The Bible? Might be cool. Youthful memories -
references in our culture etc.
Lots - at least 40 - of armed robberies in South Berkeley -
recently on my walk to BART, Woolsey & Shattuck - that dark
block: a.) Leave important papers home, b.)
cards/phone/camera hidden hidden on body, c.) decoy wallet
with BART/library card and $100(?). Point is - don't carry important
papers - auto insurance/tax forms on my shoulder hippie bag, and
maybe carry credit cards etc somewhere else on body. Good idea.
Difficulty connecting with people at moment - grief and tenderness,
sensitive, fearful - hard to tell - I'm withdrawn into myself a bit
as I process loss of Gil: he really isn't ever coming back, I may
not be following soon after - Appeal of Scott/Gil/Robert Death
Triptych Mythos - ; I could be around for a long time, there could
be decades for all I know - will I make 82 like Buff has, why not?
But melodramatic defining my life based on loss of loved ones is not
wise - yesterday I had a seeing my life as 'Before Gil/After Gil'.
No. It's: Born, Live, Die. That's the ticket. The living part is
what matters. It is not heartless to move on with my life - Gil did
not ask me to mourn him (we mourned while he was alive); he asked us
to look after Stacey. I've raised ~$25K for her - not bad! - and I
was there for him. My healing will take place organically, I needn't
form a cult or make a burnt offering, nor suffer survivor's guilt.
I'm checking to make sure I did my duty to him. Okay - that's worthy. But
also be easy on myself, no self-aggrandizing for doing it. Doing
one's duty is required, doesn't need praise. Okay? Okay. Middle
child, I want a lot of attention, it is who I am, can't help that,
so don't punish myself for wanting attention for this. It's cool.
I'm doing fine. Note - however - to calm that hunger - that a small
handful of people who matter, know. They know because they were
there, or cared, or whatever. I don't need to draw attention to
myself. It's all cool.
This 'over-thinking' is how I cope with life.
Missing him is not required, it is a given. In the long run I'll be a
better person. Lessons are; painful, nothing new.
Yeah yeah - to future Robert if I ever read this years from now - I
know it's good. That's want this blog is for, to let my
'over-active' mind unwind, spew it out, look for anything important,
neurotic repetitions/redundancies to look into further. I know what
I'm doing here.
Sat yesterday was pretty good, I made a list, got it all done,
household stuff like lamp/welcome mat, gravel, food from BB, taped
up headlight casing, ate good food, evening with Buff Deadwood and
pot - excellent! Maybe too soon for Eric visit - next week may be
better, more time to get my head on straight, less withdrawn.
My mind keeps going to alcohol - why not have shots of Brandy/sake around,
something to do? - something to ease discomfort. What's
ache/weakness in left elbow? Knees? yes - it's grief, and what I
need to do is keep walking through it. It's a metaphor for
continuing to live and love after others have died. Alright?
It's a first for me, I know people have whole families die on them, Eric's
Dad, Gil's parents, Karen's bf, Dad's brother, etc etc etc. Endless
- in my life and in history. It would be good to have the wisdom to
know that, grasp it, so I don't have to be surprised every time.
Some still center of love that is not affected, not because it's
cold/unfeeling in a selfish way, or maybe just so. But something
solid. What some people look to religion for, and for me ocean and
Kay - done here.
Today: get food for tomorrow/President's Day. Sort paperwork. Look into
donating Siouxie to Planned Parenthood. Org cottage. Get life
together. Call Mom?
Grateful for job, cottage, yard, friends, housemates, savings,
mental health, physical health, car, photoshop/visual play, music,
reading, neighborhood, friendship with mother, settled relationship
with father, teeth fixed, respect and responsibilities at work - esp
photography and training, Nomad cafe, Starry Plough, sobriety, lack
of major debilitating vices. Note - mental/physical health
- Attention - that comes from eating a healthy diet.
Sat Feb 18.17 home pm
Mid-east WF salad bar lunch, Ashby lumber for doormat, glue (for deity
heads), 2 bags of gravel - for backyard slippery mud; Urban Ore for
$15 lamp (turned out to be sucky weak Ikea lamp); Asian Hardware for
bathroom tile cleaner, clear weather proof tape from front headlight
plastic someone busted for no reason; BB for food, salad,
chicken/ride, soup, jelly beans (for Karen!).
At home dumped gravel in yard, shoveled mud, taped headlight, ate
chicken/rice. Buff bachelor tonight, heading in shortly to smoke pot
Still lots to do - but a good start.
Feeling depressed this afternoon - as I get back into normal life groove,
the depression is more apparent. watch where I go - like with Scott,
it e.g., affects my concentration while driving - just be careful.
Work is going very well - much happier without Taf - more engaged with
other CSS people. Feel secure.
Anything can happen to anyone. It's good to be prepared.
Shelley reappeared as fb friend. Good.
Sat Feb 18.17 nm
Ok - here we go - a day with no plans, but plenty to do
Cottage doormat, organize tax papers, organize car papers. Collect things
to send to UK - papers for K. Clean cupboard pot shelf. Pile of
cameras and crap under book shelf - do something! Find a home for
slide projector/slide boxes I no longer need - unless to
project/shoot put together filmed slideshow? Other things will come
to me. I have a box of solar-powered blue lights to string
Lots of rain - storming in LA - so no hikes.
I am isolated - it frightens me - don't like to hike alone, don't like to
watch movies alone - doing things alone, it sends the signal that
I'm a loser reject. Except, according to mom, I've always been this
way. Combination of things. Anyway, I feel pretty happy. I'm doing
something right. Start by loving myself unconditionally, then work
on rest - but start from a point of self-love.
Don't worry about retirement, or 10 years from now - I have this second,
this breath, this day, maybe. I woke up in my comfortable bed which
I built, made a smoothie of berries, fruit, eggs, hemp milk, magic
green powder. Not on meds of any sort. No gambling, alcohol or
If you get 2 months:
Quit your job immediately
Let everyone know
Distribute cash and property
Bad news, he didn't want to die - it makes me sad - "I'm too young to
die!" That was years ago - I keep thinking 7 years - yes, 2001
diagnosed & treated for prostate, joined Rain Parade, bone prognosis
2013, quit RP 2014. He wanted to make 60.
Things like paying co-pay day in emergency room for vertigo/nausea, that
sent a message to Gil, and Stacey - you are not alone, someone is
looking after you, when your lives are falling apart, someone is
helping take care of small things; when you are gone, someone will
be looking after your widow. It wasn't about money, it was about
love and caring and willingness to act. You need me to take day off
work and come over? Be right there.
Ah, then there's whole big world out here/there - don't wallow in hole,
there's nothing here - what comes out of it is renewed connections,
fresh viewpoints, strength, resilience, appreciation, etc. Well, one
We were lucky - ironically - ; for years, months, esp in weeks after 1-2
months diagnosis, unknown was oppressive: will we get call he
has died (of a heart attack?) middle of night, or wind up in a
hospital hooked up to machines and tubes for a long time? Going
fast, with time for loved ones to get there, be present & supportive
for he & Stacey - that was fortunate. WTF. Such a gift. There was no
question, happened organically, we left what we were doing and came;
palliative care nurse Jennifer's presence was invaluable -
unimaginable without her, for her experience, calm,
friendship/support for Stacey.
I'm thinking about Sat - Sun?, before the Tues he died. I
visited, we moved furniture around, he was out of it, irritable, I
was trying to stay out of the way, not complicate things - just be
there. Made him laugh with can of vegetable and 'penis' soup. Last
gentle hug, kiss on head, he was drugged up, but always seemed
But - dissecting ever last minute, day, week is not helpful. Really. It
was part of a 33-yr friendship - overlapping large chunks of both
our lives. Bands, marriage, divorces, collaborations, shared
housing, Twin Peaks, pot and movies/TV/music. Ups and downs.
So let it be all of it, not just his illness/death. There were 7 years
when he was ill, we still had our friendship, movies, sushi, a
couple of Nicasio BBQ shows - Asleep at the Wheel, that Austin trio
- , good times.
This thing - Gil's death's impact - is not end of world. Huge hit for
Stacey. Be available for her - and it will help me, hopefully both
of us, to meet and chat and be supportive. Shared grieving. Death is
not to be defined, nor comprehended, understood - losing a friend is
just a negative - there's no good in it, don't go looking for it.
Yeah - I'll learn to take my lashing and like it - , but in the end
it makes me and my world colder. Look - this is why people get
spiritual - not to take only lessons of coldness from death.
"Death...the opposite is desire. So do you wonder?"
But desire brought her to disgrace and ruin. Lesson - do not use death/s
to excuse abusing myself or those around me; answer is not to
indulge in hedonism, use my friends and acquaintances for hedonism
and pornographic pleasures - find vitality in nature, physical
exertion, healthy food and good wholesome company and activities.
Get some sushi-ko.
A little brandy in the cottage - why not?
Tidy front yard a bit?
Peanut butter jam sandwiches as snacks? At work?
Home now for mid-eastern WF salad bar & coconut.
$70 at WF last night - for deodorant toothpaste, berries, pudding, eggs -
Gil's death - shock/pain/attention will fade and I can go back to my quiet
Let it happen. I can't control it. Breath.
Rice and fish around cottage. Use the rice cooker.
Fri Feb 17.17 home rain
Drove cammy to WF for berries, eggs bread pudding etc.
I've lost someone I got high, drank beer, sake, sushi with. Such a rich
history, Game Theory, video, photos, Taylor, music, videos, yard -
cats - Stacey Scott - Karen - then me in cottage them in condo - he
helped me keep up in Shelley, was our contact - we talked about
everything - it was a big deal, almost a minor betrayal when I held
back some k/A UK info for a year - when I told them Stacey said
Looked at alcohol #WF, beer? Sake? Wine? Cognac? Nah - alcohol is what I
I'm more messed up about this than I realize, getting better, work is okay
- took pics with new camera at lunchtime alumni talk, person who
asked for them loved them - start taking pics at all events - it's a
good gig, I like it, will learn camera, keeps me employed - plus,
yes, learning camera is a good skill, and who know? Maybe personal
Anyway - yes, no more sushi with G&S... bummer.
Fill the hole with love and light. Fill it with nothing. Replace it with
nothing. Move on. Live.
Reading Gil's prog drummer Bruford autobio - fun..
Gil & Scott were Game Theory - serious talents - pros - I was
photographer, sometimes driver, 5th Beatle, always there - some good
work, some bad - did my best. We were - something - that Starry
Plough pic of 3 of us - history - Davis, Big Shot, tours, video,
Taylor - album covers - drums - songs. Bam - boom - gone.
Fucking gloomy - have to do something about that. Bummer if it's
always so sad, and we can't enjoy the great music. Scott 53. Gil 60.
Okay - sad - young. But they left great music.
Shelley blocked me on fb. I recently unblocked a few people, including
Boona, artist girl offended by lady boy pics/complained to Gil.
Friended Shelley & Chris - a small step. Maybe it's too painful and
she doesn't want to see GT photos? Because I said on GoFundMe Taylor
were some of the best days of our lives? Doesn't want me tagging
her? No idea. Don't assume. None of my business. I have defenses up.
Tear them down. Forgive myself. Let it go. Let go. It has nothing to
do with me now.
Let go of Dad, LRY, High School, street life, Davis, car life, Big Shot
photo lab, marriage.
Hang into life - Mom, Karen, Eric, visit Marge & John, Lo.
Well, this is going nowhere - gonna take time - I'm eating like a pig
- eating good greens/veggies/fish/fruit - then tons of snacks -
knock it off - back on health food wagon. Days getting longer - walk
over hills after work - fun! Get back in shape. I have been staying
around town after Gil went into hospice - to be near in case they
needed me. Been a while since ocean, redwoods, Eric etc.
2nd week of April is in 2 months - start making plans.
Donate Siouxie to Planned Parenthood.
Things to do.
3-day weekend. Nice.
Lots and lots of rain.
Body aches - left elbow, sometimes knees, ankles - usually come and go - I
suspect it's grief/stress related.
Been eating boxes of cookies - I feel best when I'm not overweight, can
get out more, more energy.
Made the two videos to promote I Am Atomic Man - I know they sucked, but
at least I tried.
So Apr 2013, Scott dies. Then Dad. Then Jan 2017 Gil dies - not quite 4
years after Scott. I hope fate isn't going to get poetic on me and
go for all three. That's to make too much out of us three. We did
represent a thing, Gil & my love and dedication to Scott. So,
I can still act on it - giving my photos to the GT rereleases.
Anyway. How 'bout letting me keep some male friends. They are so
important and valuable.
Thu Feb 16.16 nm
Rain, lots of it last night - Wed in early to get to video
edit/photo/training - , tired last night, sleep ~9:30, woke ~6:30 -
Lots of cookies - really need to get on the path of no/few carbs, more
veggies - maybe part of solution is to bring healthy/veggie snacks
to work. Carrots? Apple? Eat apples.
Anyway - video, training, photo all went well - I enjoyed them and got
them done. worked well with everyone. Cool.
3-day weekend coming up - coast? Eric? Marge & John? Get paper work
- car insurance, Siouxie paperwork, taxes - sorted out.
Wed Feb 15.17 nm
Woke up feeling 'good' this morning - most natural and 'happy' I've felt
in months - since we got the 1-2-month hospice prediction. Hop out
of bed, feeling rested, ready to move, smoothies, Nomad.
Gil's last months, that when I became my father - setting aside
unimportant neurosis and personal stuff vendettas to be completely
present and available for Gil & Stacey's needs. Cold on the surface,
generous with financial aid & time. And of course making wise
statements - "He's more alive in us now than he is in that clay."
"The best thing a friend can hope for is to be able to help a
friend." - spreading the news, and writing details to share.
Newspaper man. I was more stable and present - at least, I seemed so
to myself - than I thought possible. During the most important days
of his life, I did not fail. So, that's reassuring.
Espresso & buttered bagel.
I'm eating a lot! Snacking all day at work on peanuts, cereal, etc. Get on
track - not with negative restrictions, but with positive attitude
Getting close to 20K for Stacey - True West's Russ T gave 500, Rain
Parade's John Thoma gave 250 - I wept and sent picture of him
shaking hands good-bye with Gil @Aug 2014 Brick & Mortar gig.
LR sent nice note in Valentine Day.
Not a peep from LndyD - dunno - I'm supposing she may have read this blog,
decided she wanted out, it wasn't enough. We talked it through weeks
ago, she said she wanted what I was offering, but peps are allowed
to change their minds.
As I talk to others, and their family and other personal pain sorrow
tragedies isolation illness death of friends family come up I know I
know I get it - but when yr feeling yr own - well, it makes me aware
of how others' pain looks to me - sincere but distant concern from
me - so yeah, they know I'm hurting, but they can't et under my skin
to feel it, nor should they, nor should I try to explain. Just say,
it's tough, thanks for asking. Yeah.
Learning. Leaning on cultural norms.
Tue work busy w/video editing/couple of complex theme jobs, 1 other
- was concerned about ability to deal with pressure and focus, but
aside from annoyance with one client who sent same theme back ~5-6x,
got it done okay, helped people, answered questions. Manager who
offered me her cam lens to shoot Partner/Mgr portraits, I had said
'no thanks', then emailed Mon explained had family emergency,
couldn't focus, so yes please may I borrow the lens for get
shallower depth of field. Awkward situation - how much to say? - I
did the best I could. It's fine - I mean, I did okay in
Up early, in early to get video done, afternoon photo/train expert VP 2-4.
Lv 5:30 - days getting longer, warmer, yard beginning to bloom, tree
in back blossoming white petals.
It makes me sad Gil dying, being sick for so long, seeing people missing
him, having regrets. Say what I have to say to everyone I have
something to say to. Avoid avoidable regrets. Plus, it is right
thing to do. Avoid pain to get me moving, but doing right thing for
right reason fundamentally satisfying.
Okay. Work. Check in w/Stacey. Call Marge & John. Talk to Jeff @work about
2017 vacation days. Do taxes. Visit Eric, have sushi.
I'm okay. My tasks are few. As you get bolder and start to really
appreciate yr old friends, losing two is no fun. But Sooz
called last night at work and we did quick catch-up, that worked
fine. So yes - Tuesday night calls. Let it - if it decides to
- evolve on its own.
Mon Feb 13.17 nm
"You know our friend fought a tough battle before his body gave in to
injury. His goofy, happy, loving uplifting soul lives on. If you met
him, not knew him, just met him. He treated you like he knew you. I
just needed to say it to one who knows."
Sun After laundry/Subway sandwich, hung in bed, party in front
house, ~4:30 two children in yard, finding pennies in gravel, Buff
calls out to come in and have chili. Stepping out, cautiously to not
frighten children, who turn out to be Lisa Chvez's - I don't
recognize her at first - saw her last ~1992(?) at Taylor, then ~8yrs
ago at Hobbit Beer making in Fairview backyard. So really, last time
she was ~18 and I was ~39? We shared war stories, parent relations,
Scott/Gil - diff between good and not so good deaths, and good
things that can come of them, important things to learn. DJ showed
her Frida/gun and Patti/Frida on internet. Good to reconnect with
someone from - Game Theory days really - sis Felecia worked with
Shelley at Albany Sauna ~1989(?), Felecia modeled, met family, Lisa
~12? After divorce & Dad left called it Estrogen Manor. Came to our
parties - part of our network - drunk over there a few times during
last out of control late 30s years in unhappy marriage/job etc. Shot
Flea seems like quite a few times - one of those "(unspoken) I know
we don't get along great, but (spoken) I need you for these ideas.",
usually for body/sexy pics where model has to be vain and want to
expose her body/part, pose Bettie Page style sexy), and she'd do it
for her own reasons. Cool. Some of those times may have been based
on my sexual desire, but I always tried to do good photos, even if
they were sexy photos. I had ideas. Never lied someone into posing
nude when all I really wanted was to see them naked.
Lisa & I 2x shot some 'modeling' style pics. Some awkwardness during my
post-divorce mid-life crisis; she was cute, smart, partying etc.
That was 20 years ago, another life.
Now it's cool and healing to find my and DJ/Buff networks overlapping. She
looks great, more like her mom, fun to talk to - always was - , two
lovely children, chasing each other around the backyard paths while
she & I catch up about what's happened in last eight years, just
like adults. And sordid past of divorce/drugs/bad scenes not
forgotten, but accepted as just life; and if we lived through them,
evolved, learned - then all good.
Told her to say 'hi' to her sister for me.
Oroville dam weak, overflowing, 100,000 evacuate.
Hang a bit after w/DJ/Buff, Tigress (?) dancer - eggnog, 2 bowls of chili.
When people invite you to come over, come over. Even if it's awkward
and I never get invited again, it's better than staying at home and
never taking chances. And now, it's a necessity. Accept offers of
friendship. Accept help.
Karen's point is - if I ever needed to ask someone for help, Sooz & G&S
were two friends I could count on. Losing G&Sooz - just reminds me
how alone and vulnerable we humans all are. Be strong. Have
contingency plans. Look into trailer parks in Ft Bragg. Keep in my
heart empathy for Mom and all others who have lost dear ones. Don't
be depressed and morbid, but also don't be empty-headed.
Eating good healthy food and walking around SF and parks for exercise are
both good. Maybe a good bike? See if I can fit bike into trunk.
Clean out Cammie trunk. Donate Siouxie to some liberal cause like
Get moving. Check in w/Stacey, but also get on with my life.
Come in, say hi, visit - don't crowd, or insert myself, be careful to be
respectful with women, my inclination to ask for nudes may be honest
and even sincerely out-of-the-box artistic, but it's still a trigger
for most women. Consider that.
Cell phone with facetime for K&Xo?
Still sinking in - gonna take along time to know what it is that Gil is
dead. For however long I live, Gil is not here. I saw him go, got to
help, had personal strength to help - I was scared, what if I
couldn't deal and stayed away? - , was able to give last love from
Karen & I, say goodbye. I keep thinking about positives to keep away
the pain. But negatives - deal with them, too. I will miss him as
long as I live. It hurts in places I can't quite see.
Back to work.
Sun Feb 12.17 II home bed 3:30
At home heated up BB chicken/noodles, called mom, I caught myself
rambling, bringing subject back to me/Gil's death - self-centered as
I am, even more so about this big event. I will do best I can, but
it is about me, and that's okay - for each individual it is about
their loss. Just don't expect, demand or swindle extra attention for
it. We all got our problems. Suck it up. Help Stacey. Take care of
my mental health. Don't drink. Visit friends. Connect to
Did laundry, lunch at Subway.
Now I'm alone today, feeling sad, a little scared about whole "being alone
and old" thing. S'okay - feel my feelings. Life can be hard - alone
or not. Have to take care of oneself. Prob not gonna go into front
house party - not feeling very social - need to get in touch with
these feelings and process, learn, accept. It's normal.
And.. ? Rest. Eat good food. Take care of myself.
Point is, it's okay for life to be hard, and sad. Should expect nothing
else. Look at all people in much more difficult situations than
mine. I have roof, friends, food, job, health. Focus on positive.
Learn how to get through. I can do this. As Mom said "It sucks!" -
but there's lots to enjoy.
Sun Feb 12.17 nm 11am
Too eventful to get even a small amount down -
Sat shower, breakfast heated up BB chicken noodle bowl, to Monique
& Dominique, Julia and Francesca's (now teens who will converse with
me) house to hang w/K, to 4th St press to drop keys etc, back at
Dom/Mon's take snaps in their apt in progress, great place to shoot
nudes if situation arises! - walk to breakfast place in West Berk,
steak & eggs, share bites K's pancakes & my potatoes - walk back
with Dom while K&M drive. Visitor Chris drops by to day hi, K packs,
talk, gave Mon bar of Filthy Cock soap. Printed gifts from Mon & K,
Monopoly and other stuff for me to mail to UK.
K&I big hug, I love you's, don't go, please stay! Understood argument
about Frida/gun pic was situational, missing each other's point,
emotional about Gil, her sick, us both tired etc. No problem, maybe
good for me to feel she now understands, for her to understand me,
and to have talked it through.
Lv for Oak airport ~3:30 - heavy traffic on 80, light as expected
on 880, we make it fine, drop he off, park, run in meet, she's
getting sicker and feeling crappy, meds at airport store, cognac at
airport bar. Hugs, goodbyes, love you's, take care of yourself from
(she seemed concerned, esp. about my isolation with Gil&Sooz gone, and
- yes - I should take concrete steps to get out more etc. Maybe
volunteer somewhere? Don't assume rest of my life will be lonely and
alone etc. Don't overdo the 'well, I'm a introvert' give-up. Be
friends with those who would have me as a friend. Etc.)
- beautiful weather,, finally after week of overcast cold & rain - Sooz's
car runs great and is more comfy, better than Siouxie, made day go
more smoothly. It was good to have talked about abandonment issues
the night before - difficulty for me of her leaving, in light of
Anyway, we had time to talk about lots, including her & my friendship,
calling each other best friends and what those words mean.
So good - a last day with lots of time in each other's presence, alone
time to talk, play (photos), check-in etc. Last weekend we spent
time together she jetlagged, me distracted by Gil's recent
death/Stacey support/my own grieving, Sooz's departure, new car - so
visit, quarrel, Sat breakfast/drive to airport, chat at
airport etc. Good.
We meant to smoke Gil's last cig together, but since she was sick, said
take it to UK and smoke it there.
Wish we'd had more time, she said she cried about Gil for 2 days, I did
not have time enough to hear her out about her Gil grief. I'm sure
it's okay - but maybe a Skype soon?
Call Sooz - she doesn't like email - call. Even from work?
Drive home easy - smoke ~5 cigs, sushi box, sleep ~9:30 for ~11hrs. Ants
on my rag -gah!
Today: Small load of laundry - bed clothes?
Week before Gil died: Tues leave work to spend day in emergency
room with G&S. Days of heavy rains, roof leaking heavily into my
bed, shorted out multi-plug - danger! - , caused tension with
DJ/Buff, I said this has to be dealt with now - prioritize!
- , my best friend is dying of bone cancer, an electrical
fire could kill me (I didn't say that but assumed it
was obvious) and I can't deal with a leaking roof now. "All I
want to hear is you understand the New Normal is that Robert
doesn't get rained on, and this (pointing at wet bed covered
with soaked towels) is intolerable!" He understood.
Last 3 weeks since Gil died Tues Jan 24:
No work for 4 days;
Sat Jan 29 lunch with Stacey discuss her $ needs, write check,
agree to GoFundMe site; I think that was day man came to put goop on
skylight for $250, Buff said I could help pay if I wanted, I did not
Sun Jan 30 tears, bottle of sake, most of Gil's last pack of
Over week multiple visits with Sooz for goodbyes' car handover she leaves
Wed Feb 1. One last short visit Tues pm, she gives me
bottle of expensive tequila - one small glass/night, one of Gil's
valiums/night. Careful. Sleep well. No cannabis.
My world is a little smaller, accepting that people leave and you keep
putting one foot in front of the other, is part of growing up. What
doesn't kill me makes me stronger. People get strongest at broken
places. This is normal. Live through it.
Poor Gil died young - 60 is not old. (remember this, I'm 62, vital and
healthy - don't put weight of Old tag on myself). But he
lived to see himself loved, acclaimed, applauded and honored both as
person, worker and musician. He died surrounded by people who loved
him who he loved. For me - He & I got to exchange words of love -
from both I & Karen - on his death bed, hours before he died with my
hand in his leg. Much comfort in that. My last words to him, "Gil,
it's Robert. I'm going to let the nurse in. I love you!" Robert
is here. He's bringing a nurse. Words of comfort. Anything you
want to give to a friend, has to happen while they are alive. I did
not sense any life in him in hours after he died, as his body got
cold, I felt fear.
Okay - I wouldn't mind a few days/weeks of quiet now.
Leaky roof tension
Day in emergency room
New car from Sooz
Set up GoFundMe page
Today. Be here now.
Sat Feb 11.17 nm
Talked w/K on phone for ~20mins last night and got clear on the trouble -
he exasperation comes across to me as I'm doing something wrong, not
making $$ off this, invalidating my reasons for not gambling time/$$
on a venture likely as not to fail or barely break even. Adding to
that timing that's she's leaving and I want to see her but too
Feeling better, trouble getting to sleep, all tense and withdrawn - felt
like I was gonna make myself sick, morbid thoughts, normal in
circumstances, but don't wanna go there overmuch - worked on feeling
my whole body experiencing the world - maybe slept ~3-7? Enough to
get by. I can tell I'm still tense and emotional.
IM'd w/K this morning - fine - abandonment issues: Gil dies, Sooz leaves,
K leaving today. After that I can deal with Gil's death more. It
could be way way worse I know, still this is upsetting: I'm sad
she's going, that Gil died, and Sooz left town.
Okay - let it work itself out. It's not the end of the world.
Work fun & good, training, helping clients in dept in real-time, quick
support scanning passport style pics to specific size, running to
people's desks, bringing old CDs of offsite movies to Alumni girl,
taking photos, supporting fresh-hire with no company experience -
paying special attention - good for him, for company and my
reputation. Got facepages done after 6-week break, talked to
Recruiting about training issues - my vacation fits nicely between 2
sets of hires, but LA is wild card, uncertain if question of my not
being able to do 1-day LA trips is 100% settled. I am prepared to
make my case, and all day long I prove my dedication and status as
high-value Human Resource. Oughta be fine.
Have a few things to do: taxes, State for last year, set up power of
attorney (?), random list of learning, new work camera, have a few
ideas for training pages - placing labels, org charts, etc. Visit
Eric next week?
Made a 4-calendar page for years planned PTOs - WV visit in April, 4-day
WEF weekend, 9 days Jun/Jul to Oregon, and 4-day Jazz/Blues weekend.
Want to sit down w/dept Mgr J and see what is up, because I'm not
sure, and uncertainty is no good. Bring upfront, understanding,
flexible is best. Not being able, or being pressured not to take
vacations for another year is not okay. They let me take them last
year, it was mostly Taf's unexpected departure that screwed up my WV
plans. Anticipate they will work with me. Anticipate friendliness.
I'm good. It's good. Pain of change is normal. At my age, pain of losing
friends is normal. Life is good.
K - espresso, shower, drive K to airport ~2pm? 10:09am now.
Fri Feb 10.17 home 6:40pm
Bad timing to be sore, angry about an argument - showing Frida gun etc to
Dom/Dom daughter, K brought up $ could be made, I pushed back, so we
argued, and what it sounded ultimately like - as that particular
argument always does, is I'm a failure - because I feel how I do and
don't think odds are good that lots of $$ was in offing. So she
mentioned I wouldn't have got anything at all without help of her
friends (debatable), then brings angrily (if it sounds like, looks
like, feels like anger...) Blue into it - wants to hit me in the
face over and over.
Um, a) - don't be so aggressive about it in front of your friends, b) It's
a sensitive subject to bring up at all and c.) my best fiends died
of bone cancer a couple weeks ago after years of suffering and it's
not a good time to be attacking me, letting me know you see me as a
loser. Like Kristine did with Scott. Yes.
Apparently she has no clue why I might be upset. Understandable, she
tired, jet lagged, high pressure life right now etc. But come on -
apologize please. At least show some understanding.
So what to do? After work, drove to BB for berries/dinner, & next door Walmart looking
unsuccessfully for a new doormat. K's IM'ing saying they could use a
lift, or can Uber, am I okay? No, I'm not. Maybe a cigarette would help. I'm
feeling how I do when she brings up K as victim of S's emotional
distance: he was my fucking friend and he committed suicide,
radioactive, don't go there. I get into a 'fuck off' mood around
that stuff, understandably, as she does with Ant.
I think she was mean and insulting, bringing Blue into it was a
unnecessary mistake. Sensitive esp right now - yes. Bad timing, since this is
her last night and I was planning to drive her to Oak airport
tomorrow. Anyway, I saw her last night, and Tuesday, and over the
weekend - so one missed night is no big deal, it'll be good for her
to have time with her friends. I don't want to go, is bottom
line, and I'm angry, so there's not point in hanging out and being
See how I feel tomorrow. Don't add pressure of this being "the last
night" - have a night alone - maybe I also just need some time alone, to deal with
Gil's death, I have not really done that, having spent a week or so
focused on Stacey, then this last week focused on Karen - yes,
yesterday I was beginning to feel loss of Gil more directly, then
this bullshit came up last night, reminded me of bad times,
insults, fear of failure, pressure to do things I don't think I can
do, don't really care to do, don't have time or skills to do -
discomfort and anger.
Having that fight in front of her friend made it - more painful.
Just IM'd K a couple sentences about how I'm feeling. See what happens.
Her phone dying, may not see it till later. Have a smoke, that may
help. And having said something. Been angry about it all day -
actually, I was pretty angry about it when I left D&D's last night.
So 24hr anger. Been trying to let go. Ready now?
I am ready to - I need to deal with the loss of Gil. And Suzanne. Sigh.
Thurs Feb 9.17 nm
That Plough photo of Gi, Scott & I from 3mos before Scott's suicide - Feb
2013 - Karen came into town, after work my street was blocked by
police action, I was fucking exhausted, needed nap, taxied to
Dom/Dom's where K was staying, dinner, taxied back but stopped in
Plough at midnight to say hi, take pics, hear talk of a Game Theory
album with Gil, Corner Laughers bassist Khoi, Joe/Sue producing, my
photos - oiled gears slid into motion.
They were my artistic collaborators - my playmates - art is my play - With
Scott photos, but he also took some of my musical advice, seemed to
be excited when I gave it, even when it was 'wrong', thank you for
that Scott - ; and Gil, photos, we did Shiny Wet Parts music,
drawings made into videos - OJ! - , live action videos, edited '88
tour video together stoned out of our minds yet it came out okay he
saw me do my weird gyrating tilted in space button punching to time
edits to perfection, yet it came out good. Of course it did. Those 2
played with me.
In my adult life I make up for my isolated youth. That's my excuse anyway
- we all suppress things when we are young: violence, theft,
rudeness, sex - as adults we do the things we didn't do when we were
young: violence, theft, rudeness, sex.
Point is - they were my friends - and collaborators, and playmates.
There's no one else like them, no friend I can look back on and say
- here is an artistic product/project we created together. There are
good friends with whom intimacies are shared, movies are watched,
music festivals are attended, drives are driven, beaches explored,
difficult times supported, meals eaten, living space shared, alcohol
consumed, good advice given, secrets kept safe, place to sleep
offered - those are as important - but the people who valued my
artistic/creative strengths and wanted to work with me, use
that - well, what a gift to me. Lucky bastard. Now that is over -
- as my youth goes, maybe the creative collaboration would have was fading
anyway. But those two.. well, good-bye, thank you, we were a
creative team for a moment I see that photo and see a core of
dedicated love for Game Theory/Scott. Other musicians came and went
then lost touch - Gil & I loved Scott and never lost touch - until
the last years when he was isolated in his marriage.
Anyway - okay - Wed - didn't see Karen.
Tues in-out early ~4pm, home, picked K up from Richmond,
re-explored book artists' tables, brought her sushi, call Stacey,
hang with Dexter, 99 Ranch for Hong Kong dinner including jook (rice
porridge w/white fish & white pepper - etc yum!!). I try to hang
back, keep quiet, let girls do girl-talk and have quality K*S time;
if Gil was there we'd have done guy-talk. I walked solo behind.
That's cool. Karen crashing from jet-lag/work. Drop her off Doms'
Couple trainings to day at work - 1st since Gil died - been 2 weeks? He
knew he was gonna die and all he asked for was no pain and for us to
take care of Stacey. The GoFundMe jumped from 15K Fri to
almost 17 yesterday. Nice.
Long'ish art IM's with Tessa last week, Wed. Some about erotica but
smart and organic. Cool. We share about pieces, find source,
exchange art info. Fun.
I have not really sat down with myself and explored what this all means to
me on a daily basis. Been distracting with work and Stacey's
GoFundMe. What Gil wanted.
But what does it mean to me, to lose my fiend Gil, and also Sooz moving to
Oregon - 14hr drive - no more weekly visits, talk and Cheeto. Karen
mentioned it briefly Tues pm - she was concerned, who do I
have left nearby? Buff& DJ. Eric in Santa Rosa. Stacey. Tom. Those
are emergency folks - good to have them near. But Sooz & Gil I saw
regularly, now gone.
I may want/need to take steps to avoid negative impact of isolation. But
what? It may be I'll organically be sending out shoots to other
people, more time for others I get along with, organically
instinctively not be overbearing or needy. Online friends from Davis
Days - LR, LD etc. Nan?
Thing is, to acknowledge loss, honor empty space, not pretend it doesn't
hurt, make me feel more lonely, vulnerable etc. Open my mind to it -
be positive - look for positive steps to take going
forward - but acknowledge the loss. It is major and painful.
Okay - 8:42 - home for work prep soon.
Mon Feb 6.17 nm
Sun up ~8, Nomad - Karen/Dom's ~10:30 - hungry - I can usually get
away with a smoothie, then snacks at work till 2pm, but need more
current circumstance, Gil grief and K in town. On way to Richmond
book fair we pull off at Solano, breakfast place near top,
really good breakfast, more time to chat about both our lives, look
at her photos of Art friends, easy drive & park to Richmond book
event she is photographing, overcast, sea birds squawking, amazing
view of SF! I hang for an hour, walk through all the art book
publisher aisles 2x, have coffee, but feeling like I need to get
back to bed. Partially because LD's Sat night calls stressed me,
made me lose sleep - need to consider if that deal worth it. Fel
sad, want to hang with K for hours, but queasy ill body feeling says
get home, to bed.
So home, to bed, ~6 gonna walk to BB, but WTF drive, 1 minute later
downpour, so driving is good. Sushi, berries, jelly beans pudding
Had talked a bout picking up K ~8:30, or coming over for soup, but she had
ride home and was wiped out, and I didn't mind staying in, tho I
always want to take advantage of times to see her.
Weekend was so broke up: Nap after work Fri then dinner at
Dom&Doms - Sat pick up K, Rockridge AAA/DMV Sooz's car, 4th
St Mac Store, Mexican lunch, browse stores, - something else -
evening, hang at Dom&Dom just K&me for a couple hours catching up;
Sun drive her to book show, hang. we may not see each other
again, not alone anyway, but we did have several times, which we/she
did on purpose. So good. Thank you Karen, in spite of exhaustion,
for making time for me.
Drive last night in rain, or super early this morning for 5min drive to
campus would have been silly, not really quality time. Maybe an hour
or so after work this week, to see Stacey? Just see if it can be
made to happen. But maybe it can't.
Found some cool Ex Libris erotica Sun, shared with a few Art friends who
Couple macro jelly bean and abalone selfies to certain friends.
Evening, after picking up/visiting K was called off for rain, alternative
ride & exhaustion: pot, light show, youtube history of Godfather,
bucket of pudding & whole bag of jelly beans.
Up - best to nip that in bud - I need to grieve over Gil - grieve, don't
get fat and unhealthy or drink over it. Finished Sooz's good tequila
one small glass/day, finished Gil's cigs except for one last one for
Now - deal with Siouxie, donate to Planned Parenthood if I can, do taxes,
get pile of papers in order. Get iPad mini, maybe also iPhone if I
can get a deal. I can afford 4100/month if I have to.
But start saving again - $$ to Stacey took a bite, and still poss K will
need 10. So, be good.
2hr training this afternoon.
Sun Feb 5.17 nm
Sat pm ~7 Karen IM'd - I was already in bed, dressed drove to
Peter's 4th St studio, where party she was photographing was ending.
Dark not safe neighborhood, glad I went for her tho Dom/Dom house
only ~5 blocks away; corner market for fun food for D/D - stopped in
talked till ~9 - that was good, our first real chill time alone
comfortable inside to talk about UK
house/divorce/Gil/Sooz/money/court/Xo/Lo/my job/iPads/trust funds
everything. And I could focus on her & I, a step away from Gil/Sooz
grief etc. Confirmation Xo is very aware of Sooz and I as people in
her life; she is not a child now, but a young adolescent, but still
birthday videos are a good thing.
Gassed Cam for first time.
Bringing Gil's last cigarette for us to share.
At home more IM w/DL, sent pic while I was out, but didn't like it, I did,
tho gave artistic advice (natural vs. electric light) we chatted,
she emotional unhappy. Called 3x, landline & cell, after I was
falling into asleep. Uh. No. Do I need to say it? Yes. Don't dick
around. Best to be frank in this potentially volatile situation.
Just IM'd and did my best to be friendly but draw boundary.
Unannounced calls at highly emotional times are not part of our
weird friendship - calls are not off table. But I think our thing is
mainly going to stay online. There's too much temptation, that
powerful sexual stuff drags emotions in with it, that will not do
any good. I want this not that. Rather than drag that in I will do
without. We know this. It is fun playing online doctor. We are too
different in too many ways to make it. Big mistake. You know -
there's also - if I have to think about it this much, maybe it's a
mistake? But she says she wants it, understands the boundaries,
finds it fun and fulfilling, and knows she sometimes goes overboard,
but wants it anyway. We have taken long breaks. we had long talks.
It's okay till we decided it's done. There's some understanding from back
in 1980 - I think we want to keep that connection to memories, like
mine with Gil's around Game Theory. Part of ours is dabbling in the
sexual tension from back then, and part of the tension pleasure if
probably the emotions and passionate feelings it brings up now -
getting the juices flowing, but not letting it manifest itself. So
naturally there's fucked up moments. That's part of the deal. As I
just IM'd her. I do hope we can pull it off.
The pics bring a flowery fulfilling pleasure into my life.
Get an iPad.
Go to Dom/Dom ~10:30am, to drive K to Richmond book fair ~11
- prob come home at some point, then pick her up, then maybe visit
Stacey on way home ~7:30, or some evening during week.
9:55 now - home ~10:10 - pack carefully, 10mins to K's.
Sat Feb 4.17 MAC store 4th St w/K
Getting up early for 7am wk open was tough, fortunately work was slow, and
I have been pretty emotionally stable since Fri melt down.
After work Fri, napped hard, dinner with Monique and Dominico -
that was fun, just the 4 of us.
Today up early, Nomad, pick up Karen, stop at Nomad for her breakfast, Rockridge AAA, Register Sooz's car and get paperwork to donate
Siouxie, Mon/Dom's pick up stuff, snack, 4th St.MAC store, Mexican
restaurant. Raining and Chinese New Year events, easy parking.
Stacey's GFM doing well, almost $14K. Cool.
Super slomo of LR/DilEntry interesting/arousing. Filmed myself, sent to
her, as per request (long as it is real).
Keep thinking of asking for similar from LDun. A bit of emotional drama
there, to. Get real - their pussies, our cocks, are attached to our
emotions and sexual selves, can't be separated except by sociopaths.
When I ask for those shares, I ask them because it matters that's
them and me, so it is fucking with their emotions. So, don't be a
At 4th St MAC store got a # to call to clear out my Apple accounts, start anew, get iPhone
- or iPad! -
through shop near work, learn to text, books from Kindle. Only works
with wifi. Gonna be
~1K/year if I pay for iPad mini monthly along with data. I need to
learn this stuff if I'm going to work again. I can do that, and good to keep up on modern technology
in case I need it for future job. Things are shaking up at work, as
we move into hew space, and they want best people.
Paid rent, added up my budget for year, looks about as expected. Still
close to 50 in both actual and predicted, $300 to K.
Napped/slept till ~ 4, checked in w/K, no response, asked LD for specific
images, no response but said she was open, after laundry, walk to BB
for dinner/groceries - I think this low level grief about Gil is
tiring me out.
Not quite grounded. Get it together. My life has changed without Gil, and
with Suzanne moved out of town - bad timing with her and my shared
experience, but we can still talk!
New car. Get mini iPad. Get back on the health kick. Fewer snacks. Learn
work camera. Learn iPad, texting.
Let the GoFundMe take care of itself - Stacey is on it, it's spreading
slowly through friends, acquaintances.
Do my own life. No word from Shelley. K says that's too much to hope for.
Yeah. Probably. But some kind of communication would be wise - as
other people, or she, or I die, it would avoid regrets to have
something live between us.
Sun morning take K to Symposium book show, then prob pick her up in
evening. Hope to visit with Stacey some evening during week.
Thurs Feb 2.17 bed lights out 9:04pm
Up @5:30, wk @7 - mainly light work, but full 8hrs, but nothing
Stacey's GFM almost $12K - yay! Seems to be spreading on its own.
:-) People I know can barely afford it giving 10-20. Love that.
Karen flew into town, some confusion around that, where to and how. Drove
to where she's staying - Francesca & Dominique - wine, chat about
Blue/Gil/etc - stopped @BB on way, groceries including sushi &
seaweed for her. Talked about trying to be more forgiving for Gil's
memory, and in time of shared grief. Some way to show tour slides to
In early again Fri. Fixed online provider for angrylambie.com.
Make appt for AAA/DMV Saturday morning to register Sooz car and get
new Pink Slip for Siouxie. Pick up succulent from Sooz. K maybe
Mentally foggy. So much going on, and emotions, and work.
But mainly okay - just , as I told Lo, more life going on than usual.
Eating jelly beans - mmm. Snacking a lot at work. Gaining weight. Feeling
old. Get a grip.
Make slo-mo of LR dildo tomorrow.
End of an era with Gil dead. No more enjoying tour video we made together
- or watching tour slides and laughing. He & Scott were my artistic
collaborators. At least we got something done. Right now I'm feeling
grateful for all the time we had together. Sooz suggested missing
him and sadness will come later. Yeah.
Local headquarter guy laid off, so our dept no longer had direct contact
in area - so how does this affect days off/vacation etc? Dunno.
We'll see. The $$ for Stacey takes a bite out of budget. K could use
some help but I'm feeling pinched. I'll be okay - and K's $
situation is beyond my ability - if I keep giving now, what if house
needs big chunk? And what about me? Gotta hold on sometimes. Feeling
a little stretched.
Bed early - last Valium -
Wed Feb 1.17 nm Sippin' Tequila, one smoke 8:07pm
This is nothing - well, okay. Something. But so long as my health is good,
I have no room to complain.
Tues pm visited Sooz after work, she thought she had an extra copy
of Cammy keys, but were from diff Toyota. Said good-byes - okay -
already wrote about that last night. Glad for last visits.
At wk R drops that he's out tomorrow and Fri - sigh - so I'm
in 7am. It's okay - today was emotional because The GoFundMe for
Stacey rolled out - $9,400 first day - that is damn good I guess?
Now we'll have to work harder for the rest, but still - if we can
even get to $15K that will be something great. Our friends are
artists and musicians with their own families and troubles to take
care of - they don't have a lot to spare - people giving $25-$50
they can barely afford. It is so appreciated. It keeps sad emotions,
Stacey's being alone, missing Gil & my shared memories, in my face -
tomorrow I'll need to focus on work, let love and momentum carry
I made a fb folder for pics for Stacey to choose from, then just made it
public. It all sort of happened on its own, I just filled in a form,
Wynn & Kate wrote text, Stacey gave me photo to use. He was my
friend, without thinking I'm doing things one does for a friend.
That's good. I'm not doing or feeling anything that makes me feel
like a jerk. That's all one can ask. I'm not doing it to feel good.
I'm doing it because that's what you're supposed to do. You don't
get a star for it. You get the pleasure of the knowledge you are
doing the right thing.
I'm making people feel good. I can enjoy that. Gil would be happy to see
it. To see everyone coming together for Stacey. Yay. Oh, God Gil.
Sooz called today from Carquinez bridge on way to OR -
reminded me I forgot to take succulent - pick it up from
driveway tomorrow night? Said Jack no longer needs ride to airport.
Sad. Missing her already. Glad we saw each other 3-4, 5x this last
week or two, had time to talk about Gil and other life things. No
I have enough for tomorrow's smoothie, so staying in.
Step away - I need to register Cammie, & get a replacement Pink Slip for
Siouxie. And also be there for Karen while she's in town. Get some
dollars for her tomorrow?
Just paid cc balance. Life goes on.
My commitment to friends G&S remains same with slight shift in focus.
It is going to be okay. Dumped my trash, recycling & compost into bins for
tomorrow's pick-up. Keep eating healthy. Do my job. Trainings next
week. Compartmentalize FundMe page separate from work. Do not
advertise my grief around Gil. It is no different than everyone
Keep breathing, moving, loving.
Be here now. Let go. Adulthood means less drama.
Reading Elmore Leonard's short stories.
Got to share private nude pics with Gil, of mutual friends no one else has
seen. Once in a lifetime, you know? A friend. Okay.
Shared last pics of G with Sooz.
Thank you Peggy for sharing your beauty with me. 1979 Davis.
Tues Jan 31.17 home bed 10:42PM
After work went to Sooz's for one last sweet real goodbye to her and
Cheeto - leaving early tomorrow morning. Talked about our
friendship, how much she means to me, how we talk about
everything and she has watched me mature, and noticed it in ways
no one else can.
Then home for a few sips of tequila, one of Gil's smokes, set up a
GoFundMe for Stacey. Waiting for her approval to go public tomorrow
morning. Doing page for Stacey is good soul work. Wynn & Kate wrote
text. Stacey chose photos. I just filled out forms. It is
appropriate that I have that honor, as a good friend, and to share
it with his he rest of our community. It helps me. If not heal.
Helps me not get stuck in his gone-ness.. I dearly hope it goes very
well for Stacey. She needs a break.
Still have to register Cammie and get Pink Slip for Siouxie.
Peggy 1979 Davis.
Tues Jan 31.17 nm
So - Tuesday - but no more Sooz TV nights. with Gil's death I have
not been able to focus on that and deal with the loss, not really.
we have had several recent visits, lunch, the car, talked about it
and around it - it being we will miss each other -, joked about
being in denial. So not like it hasn't been dealt with as well as
possible. It's okay - I mean - I think we faced it, said we'd talk
on phone, Skype.
I have lost two friends this in a week - Sooz is my go-to friend who
recently lost her best friend after a long-term illness, so she knew
exactly what I was going through.
So don't minimize it, be gentle and understanding on myself. Honor them by
mourning the loss, recognizing weight of value loss. My life is
Gil was my last direct connection to Game Theory - we shared the good and
bad memories, the slide are almost meaningless now, and alto of the
photos. So much of that was me shooting him and him enjoying being
Sooz is Xoxo's Godmother, she was my last truly direct connection to Karen
- and Xoxo - in town. Shit we've known each other almost as long as
I've known Karen.
I added up some financial stuff, for peace of mind.
For ~16years I have spent on average $25/week on snacks for TV night.
That's $100/month, $1200/year x ~15 - so as far as the Camry goes,
not to minimize it is a symbolic gift of love - but it comes in
light of thousands of dollars of food. So there's that. Not that I
needed that - or maybe I did. I did 'pay' for it, in my own
way. You give you, sometimes you get back. Not to mention other
generosities only Sooz is aware of. we talked about all the stuff in
Went to visit Stacey last night with 2nd half of initial cash gift - have
been worried about the money going out (esp 'cause k might still
need hers), it's not a small chunk of change, more may be necessary.
I promised G&S both I'd do it and I am good doing the right thing,
but - was feeling some stress and minor resentment - what am I
getting aside from the knowledge I am helping a friend and doing the
right thing - that is MORE than enough - yet, my wallet -
cries a little - a natural reaction :-) -- then I thought, I got
Sooz's car for free, $ for S was what I thought I might offer for
car if it was a purchase - so, that money was already 'spent' in my
head. $$ for Stacey it what I would have paid for car.
It helped to think of it that way. That $ was already gone.
So got that worked out. That's not over thinking. That's getting right
with myself and avoiding resentments.
Last night looked through photos for Gil's FundMe, discussed target amount
to ask for, talked about pics for memorial Joe/Matt setting up,
changed Gil's fb page pics, talked to Dexter.
I really ought to learn how to text - bite the bullet - get an iPhone, not
a Mac, $80/month for data, learn it.
I'm recalling how it looks to me when other people suffer personal losses
- divorces, deaths, illness - from a distance, you can not feel
their pain - not even close up, not really - we all suffer alone. So
when people offer me condolences for Gil, accept their well-meaning
words as in it's the thought that counts, say thanks and unless they
ask for them not too man, or no, details. Am I alive? Roof over
head? Mobile? Can I feed and clothe myself? Then the appropriate
answer is: "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking."
God bless Jennifer for bring there, for being a calming presence and
support for Stacey.
Today - set up GoFundMe, and Register Camry, and see about getting a new
pink Slip for Siouxie. Move Siouxie every three days. Don't give her
to anyone who I don't trust to immediately go out and register her
in their name. Donate her to charity connected to Planned
Okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Sad about Suzanne.
Shit - Karen gonna be here Thursday, I'm not going to be able to pick her
up, for first time ever(?), too many days off lately for illness and
Gil. Shit. Hate it. Sorry. But give her some cash? Check w/Mechanics
to make sure my amount has gone up.
Don't worry so much about $$. I'll be okay. The future? What makes me
think my idea of a trailer home at 75 will come true? I could
die tomorrow. Do the right thing today. Being able to live with
myself is very important. whether I have 30, or 40, or 50, or 60
doesn't matter that much - it's a symbolic number that comforts me -
but it's still symbolic. Okay - so that has importance to me. But
weigh in other factors as well. If I have one friend, I am rich.
Mon Jan 30.17 nm
Started fb IM conversation about gofundme page - I'm doing it with support
esp from Dan & Kate.
Slept ~10-4am, then snooze - stressing about memorial - it doesn't *have*
to be in February! His 50th bday party was a huge affair - I can't
do it. I can say No! I recall how freaked out I was at Scott's
memorial - if I can't do it, put some feelers out, let people know
what needs to be done then let go. I can't do what I can't do. I am
allowed to say, I am not strong enough to do that. And had it off to
people with experience. Not even sure I can be there. I was with him
till the end.
Anyway - stressing a bit yes.
Don't. Gil would not want that.
Couple sips of Sooz's tequila last night. Watch that.
Now Robert... your best friend died last week, another best friend is
leaving town and I said good-bye to her Thurs, Sat &
Sunday. She gave you a a nice car - that is an emotional
thing for an introvert. I gave away a substantial amount of my
savings, and it's not impossible K will need even more depending on
court. So also feeling some financial insecurity.
Other people have it rougher, Stacey lost her husband, but I still need to
recognize this being a tough time, of loss, lost friends, lost
financial security, tension in my home-site about the leaky roof.
It doesn't help any that Trump's first week in office is disruptive and
frightening for the country. The lies. The racism and bigotry and
So - don't drink. That's number one. Take care of business - register
Sooz's car, get a new copy of Siouxie's Pink Slip. That's # 2.
Mid-week set-up a FundMe site for stacey. That's #3.
Make sure Stacey is okay. I can do that best if my life is calm orderly.
So keep it together. Take care of business. Let go best I can of all
Get this done.
I have thought about writing letters to Fred, Joe & Dan. Remember Gil
waited too long. Don't wait too long.
8:47am time for work.
Sun Jan 29.17 II bed 9:30PM
Another eventful day.
Nomad morning, Marine Biologist glass blower Robin came in, we had nice
chat about living in Bay Area, leaking roof, getting older; moved
Siouxie junk into Camry, Sooz sent AAA #, asked a a few neighbors if
they wanted her, or knew of someone; switched insurance to Camry -
Siouxie still insured till I get rid of her. Can't find fucking Pink
Slip anywhere - went through every file and box - could have sworn
I've seen it over the years, but maybe not?
Drove to Sooz to get Camry mechanic history, ate Subway sandwich, Cheeto
sat on lap, talk about death, moving, Karen, whatever - hen to
Stacey, yummy Thai lunch, discuss business, I'm helping her out,
gave check for half, plan an online fundraiser for medical bills,
Gil's urn etc. Have to also reach out for help doing a memorial -
maybe I can do FundMe, but I can't plan or pay for the memorial -
someone has to step up. Reach out. Can Gil's family help pay for
memorial? I have to have a financial boundary - K might need my
help. I need to be prepared to retire someday. Figure it out. It
will be okay.
Don't panic. This will happen. Dan and Kate have already said they'd help
write the FundMe message.
Anyway, fun lunch, borrowed his fave drummer autobio.
At home, tore everything apart one last time looking for Pink Slip. Nope.
Pulled slide projector and six slide trays out of suitcases and put white
board up - just watched them all. Did it for Gil. No regrets. Would
have been a blast, but once he was in steep decline I think it might
have been too upsetting, too obviously The Last Time before The End,
and you know, no fun.
And they don't do much for me now, interesting for history and some are
interesting photos - but often I was just a guy there with a camera
- they'd be of no interest to anyone who wasn't there - and with
Scott and Gil now gone, the mind and heart of Game Theory - well,
maybe I'm just feeling empty right now. I'm probably depressed.
Watch out for drinking. Stay healthy. Keep a bright loving outlook.
Friending Shelly & Kristine is a good first step - take it slow - we don't
have to like each other, but facebook friending is a first step,
maybe it will lead to some communication with Shelley, and
eventually being able to be in same same room and make small talk.
Small steps. Do it for Gil. Okay? Okay.
3 hits of mild weed, one Valium, cottage kind of torn up, get it
straightened before too long.
Tomorrow - work on registering Sooz's car to me, getting new copy of Pink
Slip, reach out to Brad, Matt and such about a memorial site.
Back to work. Could be interesting. Do not kid myself I am back to
anything like normal. Bawling all day Friday over a bottle of sake
and pack of smokes is an indication that there will be tough days
ahead. Don't do anything rash. Don't act out. Don't tell anyone.
Take it easy. Give it time.
Sun Jan 28.17 nm 9:14
Sat started getting back into life - a little less time online.
Chopped dried layers of vines off cottage roof - when I do it, as
opposed to sudden landlord treatment, the change in appearance is
alright, Looks raw and lovely, the wood shingles in bright winter
sunlight. I don't think Gil ever told me - rarely anyway - how he
felt about all I wrote here - I asked him not to - I wonder how it
sounded? But whatever, along with our real-world interactions it let
him know me deeply.
Have not begun to imagine world/life without Gil -
Last week off work has meant fewer/no vegetables/more uncomfortable
digesiton. Get back into right diet asap.
~2? Sooz emailed about picking up roof rack for Camry - corner Subway for
sandwich, we talked for almost an hour(?), petted Cheeto on my lap,
roped rack to Siouxie's rack, said sad good-byes.
Losing Sooz and Gil in one week. But at least Sooz is alive and like K we
have opportunity to chat/Skype once a week if we like. I said I'd
Offered Siouxie to Robbie and ex-neighbor/Cece cat owner Candace. But
can't find Registration! Looked through files. Where is it?? In
glove box? It ought to be around. Emailed Stacey about lunch to day,
and to discuss 'business', re paying for cremation etc.
This morning - move stuff from Siouxie into Cammy (her temp name); then
call Stacey late afternoon about lunch.
Walked to BB ~7pm for soup, berries, eggs, sushi box.
Sleep ~9:45 last night, sleep soundly, dreams this morning, up ~8:30 -
need to get back into regular 7am sleep pattern asap.
But give myself time - don't push it. If my body is telling me it needs
10hours sleep a night, that's what my body needs to heal.
K - so - back to car stuff exchange, hope to find registration in glove
box, maybe ask on fb if anyone knows someone desperate for a working
car? Or just donate to charity. Also shift insurance - today!
Lunch with Stacey - bring checks.
Got groceries and laundry done - all in all, okay. Could use a shower.
Sat Jan 27.17 nm 9:30am
Yikes, well after Nomad, home, opened bottle of sake - cheap stuff, not
that tasty - and Gil's last pack of American Spirits - I'd forgot
till this moment that was his. Appropriate. Called Mom, Shirley in
hospital, I held into her too long, but also she is not good at
drawing clear boundaries - she hesitates and flounders then gets
resentful - and then, I talk too much. Told her about Gil, and also
Dad's influence on me, stoicism, being efficient, putting off my own
emotions till later, showing love by helping with money; mentioned
shared grief reaching out to estranged people, and said I'd do same
So that was rushed, tense, but good.
Then got into fb Gil posts, sake, smokes, and lots of tears - surprised me
- bawled on and off for hours. Thank God I took week off. Would have
made me sick to hold all that in; far healthier to let it out. No
solid food - 3 smoothies -one ~9pm, and some jelly beans. Not in the
mood for solid food.
I don't have to like them, or even forgive them, but I do have to be able
to be in same room with them, share what love there is, keep it
light. I'm angry, bitter, resentful, sensitive, grudging - ask Buff
for advice. It's easy to say, take responsibility, work on yourself,
but harder to accomplish. Maybe laugh bout the past. If someone
apologies, graciously accept it then drop it. If I have things to
apologize for - well, there's no 'if' about it - do so briefly and
sincerely, then drop it.
Anyway - I think I was in all day, online. Lots of IM'ing with a variety
of folks, later in evening LinDun - which got slightly awkward, the
'L' word, which can be easily misunderstood, asked if she could call
then called without waiting for answer, I didn't pick up; - and
Shelley B, about death and old age and such. I need to focus and
learn, hr bawdy talk, about pleasure of her body, about I ask ask
for anything short of a blow-job, is her bawdy style, and not an
invitation for flirting. Okay? Okay.
Let's see, timeline:
Mon Dec 12 Gil called about hospice, 1-2 months (!?), hospice says
could be more. I visited, good visit. Lindsay came out, next week(?)
- I made short/medium visits all three days.
We all - Stacey & Gil - had colds for 2 weeks so no visits, but almost
daily check in, love. But did visit otherwise, went down to car with
walker for smokes, chats; later in wheelchair with Stacey for
Wed Jan 18 vertigo emergency, took off work, helped at Kaiser/home.
Wed Jan 24 Stacey IM'd at work and I went over, and that was Gil's
Thurs 4th St. Mexican lunch w/Dan/Shannon/Jennifer/Stacey, shop, TV
Fri Solano pizza lunch w/Sooz -talk about Gil, Sooz's health
problems, Karen's court/etc, then hang w/Stacey/Jennifer few hours,
mainly PBS TV but also discuss memorial.
Sat Call Mom; break down drinking sake, smoking/bawling all
afternoon. That was my time. Not as physically painful/wrenching as
w/Scott, but G&I were closer friends, shared housing - '89-'97 - 8
years for fuck's sake, plus touring, music, videos, etc. So a
different kind of hurt.
I did not run away; stayed close, helped best I could, remained his and
Stacey's friend till the end. So there's that.
In my own way, will try to follow Gil's example of forgiveness, smartness,
kindness, love, etc. Do it fast, while we are in a state of shared
Today? Groceries. Clear dead vines of cottage. Put up blue lights? Do some
stuff - sitting around will start getting me mentally putrid and
I am very very fortunate to live where I do, have good job, car - all let
me be of assistance, as would any of his fiends who could have, I
was a proxy for those who live further away - got it? Blessed to
have a network connected by shared experiences and Gil's love; it
was good that those closest to him, his wives, Joe, Kate, Dan,
Shannon etc., that I felt 100% comfortable/welcomed/necessary by
them. Maybe I misinterpreted this moment - but at one point, while I
was letting someone in or out, nurses had moved him, his breathing
was rough, when I came back in folks were saying I should go in,
this could be the time. I felt like they were saying, it was esp
important to me as his friend? Anyway, I'm glad they cared and knew
it would matter very much to me, to be there for him at the end if I
That's right - it is all about me.
Gil is no longer here to read this blog.
Mom warned me, it will hit me in other ways over time, as I feel
his missing presence. Too soon to think I'm 'okay', or it's over. Be
Don't forget to breath.
Fri Jan 26.17 nm 11am
Well, this is very different than the explosive shock of Scott's suicide.
Impossible to describe. What a large network of love he left -
something to think about - do I want to leave a network of
bitterness and self-pity, or a network of people who feel better
about themselves because I was here.
Gil's ability to love, like Karen's, is a gift from somewhere - I think
those two picked up on each other that way - but we can still see
Sleeping well with Cannabis & one Valium. I have 2? left. Back to work
These days of are necessary. I think I had 30 - then 4 days off sick, & 4
for Gil - still a month left, and earn 20 more this year.
Thu pizza lunch on Solano ~2, after visited Stacey & Jennifer till
~8. Mostly hung with Jen, watched PBS British TV, also talked about
finances - sending her $ via PayPal - and how/when/where to have
Fb quieting down about Gil. I've had a long time to prepare; I knew my
friend who I visited and played with was already gone. Sympathetic
friends help. Helping Gil & Stacey in their moments of need is good,
I shut down a bit emotionally, but they understood I needed to have
my wits about me to be useful. I am like Dad: he did his duty, put
his emotions aside for a later time, showed love - among other
things - by helping financially. Thank you for that Dad. Came in
useful. Sending details to Donnette, Matt, Gui, Bradley, etc helps.
Brad & I are different, but we had a good exchange. Gil cherished
him. Matt was his brother. Donnette sent my details to Shelley. I
thought she might reach out to me over this. Should I reach out
again? Gil would say yes. Maybe. I already reached out several
times, got hand slapped away. Nothing can happen if she doesn't want
Gil would say forgive and reach out. Rise above all my knotted emotions.
Let go. Don't expect perfection, have no expectations. Work on it.
Don't apologize or explain or anticipate. Just send a friend
Done. A lot of emotions, anger, neuroses, twisted stuff - but at least we
ought to be able to be fucking Facebook acquaintances. How painful
can that be? Come on. We are probably going to be in the same room
for Gil's memorial. We are not going to live forever. If you need an
apology or something ask for it. Just don't make it about a handful
of photos that I fucking took. Fuck you. The price of us being in
the same room is letting me have those photos, while you have scans,
which you can reprint.
If Donnette & I can accommodate each other and try to do our best, so can
you and I.
Let the venom out here, privately - maybe on hikes - and let it go.
Donnette wrote a good tribute:
"Tomorrow and every day after this I will live the lessons you taught me -
to find the joy in this beautiful world, to give big love to those
around me, to celebrate each moment as a gift, and to place kindness
at the forefront of everything I do. Gil, I will never have your
grace, wisdom, and wry humor, but I will try my best. And you would
tell me I'm doing great."
Okay. I also sent a friend request to Kristine. I sort of regret not doing
it beforehand - that might have pleased Gil - but he understood I
was doing the best I could. Better late than never. Part of his
legacy is living with more love. Okay? Okay.
Okay - call Mom, walk to B for lunch. Today is my first day to really
chill at home if I want. Maybe sushi tonight.
Rest. Relax. There's life to live.
Wed Jan 25.17 nm 10:47am
Well, yesterday is not gonna be possible to write about - too many
details, for one, and death is not describable in any meaningful
way. Also, Gil was the one person I know read at least some if not
all if this blog, so now, I no longer will consciously or
unconsciously adjust what I say.
Firs observation: Near as I can tell, I'm not as devastated as expected -
wounded, sad - but functional, at least for now - I think I'm
Second: Gil stopped breathing peacefully, his wife and 1st wife at on
either side, I was ay his foot hand on leg, Joe, Kate, Jose and
Jennifer at end - Dan and Shannon arrived later. We had split up
beer, esp his last can of Sapporo, had toasted, were joking about
use of word pussy (re Sunday's Woman's March) when he stopped
breathing. We thought he'd have liked that. He loved to laugh and
make people laugh, it felt appropriate. He was the life of the party
I'd gone to work, ~soon after Stacey said maybe best to come over now,
hesitated for a few minutes - IM'd K & Lo - then left. On train
braced myself, more or less said good-bye - I mean, that friend Gil
I had fun with was gone, now was time to be there during his hour of
greatest need. Told Sooz no TV night, driving in Sooz's gift which
is much easier to handle, stopped at Safeway for veggies/fruit.
Well, then nurses coming and going, bringing people up and down through
maze from parking lot to Stacey's. He didn't look good, but was
coherent enough to respond to I love's you with I love you Robert,
Karen etc. Huge blessing that. Somewhere I hope he knew we were
there and it was okay. Toasted with Sapporo, we were joking about
the word pussy - Woman's March signs - during his last breath. And
that made us happy, he loved a good pussy joke. Appropriate
Joe, Jose & I went to get Chinese take-out, and explored 99 Ranch a bit
while waiting. People came to get him, and the bed. Dan and Shannon
arrived, waited a while to go in, I went in w/Dan with arms around.
Whether or not we acknowledge it out loud to each other, Joe, Dan &
I are brothers.
Left ~11pm - sort of didn't like leaving Stacey, but thought get sleep,
and I was getting stressed irritated being around so many people.
~11:30 pot and Valium and slept very well.
Been responding to sympathy posts/IMs - Donnette said a good one - and
also reaching out to Gil's brothers Dean, Matt P,, Brad Or etc, to
give details and say how much he loved them, what he said about
This is unlike any other experience I've had. Because of Gil's love I will
do my best. For Gil. That includes loving myself. He helped give me
that gift, and that helps in every way. Thank you dear brother. Love
you. Glad sometimes I made you happy.
Mon Jan 23.17 home bed 8:25am
Sun feeling not well, maybe relapsing into the flu from 3 weeks
ago? Just weak - realized maybe I had a touch of that Sun but
assumed it to be emotional strain of Gil's illness, leaking roof,
Sooz leaving, accepting her car - accepting the car, as an act of
friendship, was kind of amazing, thank you, etc. Anyway, Sun
early afternoon weakness/soreness hit, did laundry with many damp
towels while guy was putting goop on skylight - which seems to have
worked, no rain came through last night - got home with no strength
to put laundry away, couple pillows and quilt on bed and napped.
Later in evening made bed, put laundry away & heated up BB Chinese
chicken noodles for dinner. Eating helped.
Couple hits of pot and think I slept okay last night 11:45pm ~8am.
WTF. This is all messing with me. Short-tempered. Leaving me vulnerable to
flus? Chill. I have not accepted what is happening. Need to apply
all life lessons to this time. It can always get worse, and falling
apart is not ideal.
Well enough to go to work. But would rather stay in bed all day. More
Sun Jan 22.17 nm
Slept okay, but agitated(?), I think it rained and small amount came
through into bed ledge towels.
Can't tell if I'm coming down with something - mental fogginess, mild
joint ache, feeling a chill - or if it's stress and cold/damp
cottage? Had theraflu this morning. Need to honestly check in with
myself, because if any chance I am ill I cant' visit G&S. Get clear
S said to come by any time tomorrow. I emailed Sooz I'd be in area, could
visit, she said feeling overwhelmed. Damn.
I like quiet, boring times - glad I learned, from divorce years, to
appreciate - and - and.
Someone sposed to come by to put sealant in roof skylight this morning.
k - 10:10am - I want a hot shower. Be sure to eat food. Bring Chinese, hot
& sour soup to G&S?
Maybe laundry tonight - smell of damp moldy cottage towels is creepy and
maybe not healthy.
Berkeley Bowl for smoothie/other.
Don't spend all day w/G&S, I want to be string/saintly, but it wipes me
out. Pace myself.
Sat Jan 21.17 home 8:30pm
Fri pm up till 1am watching Sopranos clips on youtube smoking
American Spirits. Slept in till ~9am.
Nomad eggs/bagel/banana/Odwalla. IM'd w/K, among other she suggested
letting people help. Good idea. Still learning.
So, asked Sooz if she could pick me up to get car - she came over ~1 -saw
her succulent gifts in the yard, chat w/DJ/Buff out front, got
update on guy coming over to put sealant on skylight tomorrow am.
Fun lunch at Mexican place top of Solano, sign over car. And nice
distraction from health matters. After hand-off, Safeway for
soup/flexi-straws for Stacey, drop off then drive to Ace hardware
w/Jennifer for new showerhead for Gil, long chat about everything.
Move furniture/bed to bring in new bed. Tentative plan to come by
Drive home in hard rain - very comfortable driving - nice car! Small but
spacious inside. Cassette & CD player, and skylight. AC - cool! Now
where does Siouxie go? 1 Sapporo, 3 cigs. Buff comes in to check
leakage, I apologize for being angry(?) about leaks earlier - weepy
- this is new to me and I'm still figuring out how to deal, learning
its affect on me - , of course he says not necessary, we're all good
K. All I suppose as good as could be hoped for. G seemed better than
Wed. No dinner.
Eat good food, sleep, take good care of myself. Breath. Be prepared for it
to hurt a lot. More.
Fri Jan 20.17 home 6:30pm
Tough day - ~4am thunderstorm and rain leaked onto bed - very upsetting.
Sort of took it out on Buff/DJ - this has got to be fixed - new
normal is Robert does not get leaked on. Buff came in tonight, and I
explained I have no patience while dealing w/Gil. So we'll be okay -
but fixing roof has to be immediate priority.
Trump's inaugural is such a bummer. Ugh.
Gloomy. Rainy. Rgh.
Sooz called about car, I snagged phone room, told her about emergency room
day. It's good to share sadness w/Sooz, who lost her dear friend, K
is great but her kind of positive observations don't feel welcome.
Too much emotion in me.
Stacey says she's okay for tomorrow, maybe a Sun visit. Hopefully
tomorrow roof can get worked on - goop on skylight -
Between G's situation, & Sooz leaving town, & leaking roof - well, roof is
only thing I have any control over - so my angry trying to
gain control gets focused on that. We'll be okay. I'm just upset.
Try not to - don't take it out on others.
So sad. Fuck.
Sposed to rain hard today & tomorrow - not so much so far - fingers
Regional work head came by dept today, seemed to have positive attitude,
including about me, so that's good. Said something about our
department being exceptional so no need to worry about emergency
days off etc. I told R about why I took day off, so assume he told
Get a grip. It's okay to be upset - but don't be a jerk. Find other
Work has been mercifully slow.
Okay - chill - a bit of pot - maybe a glass of sake & couple smokes. Get
sleep. Take care of myself. Deep breath.
Ordered more Filthy Cock soap, joined AARP. This whole getting old, sick,
dying thing. I will learn and learn to deal.
Okay. Enough fretting. Mind scattered. Chill. Watch a movie. Bit o pot.
Small glass of sake. Maybe pick up car from Sooz tomorrow?
Have a good cry. And move on. Let go.
Think the day in hosp was more upsetting than I realized. Let it
sink in. I'll be okay. It is not the end of the world.
Tomorrow: walk to bowl for food. Laundry. Get back into my life.
Ahh - shit - starting to rain hard - well, deal with it. :-)
Wed Jan 18.17 home 8:30 1 Sapporo/smokes
Stacey IM'd, rough night, called in sick to help w/G. Managed on short
notice to get over there and park, eat, be present etc. That's what
friends are for.
Hard rain, some roof leaks, put up some more tape and towels out. Not bad
thank heavens - bad leakage would have been hard to take.
There was a good post by Ram Das K liked, about all we can be is
ourselves, all distance/differences, me-you etc is an illusion -
only thing we can offer is to be present ourselves. So I focused on
that. Vigil. Just to be there always.
Wed Jan 18.17 nm
IM from S, G dizzy, at Kaiser. Maybe spell S for a while if she needs a
Sooz Tue night, good visit, cheese, hummus, coupe swallows of
tequila. No talk about car, mainly packing for OR and just life
stuff. Lots of Cheeto snuggle - once I let him lick my tasty fingers
he settles down, I think it is more about habit and symbolism than
smidge of food on fingers.
More Sherlock Holmes, more BART breakdowns.
S IM's - calling in sick, hanging w/G while she shops.
Mon Jan 16.17 nm MLK Day
~7pm Sun thought food! Couldn't decide between pizza downtown vs.
walking to Bowl, headed to Bowl, decided on Plough burger/football.
Irish music playing. Felt very grateful for the Plough. :-) Bacon
burger, salty catsup fries, 1.5 Lagunitas' worked.
Cannabis for 1st time in 2+weeks - felt very normal, so mild -, might have
helped - slept solid 10:30-5am, then till ~8:15. I wonder if this
need for sleep is not even bug, just normal winter reaction, and I'm
just indulging it, thinking it is illness. Whatever, getting more
sleep is not hurting me any.
Squeezed orange & lemon in morning smoothie.
IM K about her coming out in 2 weeks to photograph book fair.
G&S feeling somewhat better - could be a good day for mellow/quiet visit
Lookie here - I am walking distance to Starry Plough, Berkeley Bowl, BART,
Nomad Cafe, Whole Foods, Hospital. Let me here me say gratitude.
Another collection of Iggy/Bowie pics contains my Iggy/Bowie dance
k -11:50am - mellow chill day - let us go home and wash my smelly
Sun Jan 15.17
Sleep ~10:45-7:15? Seem to have slept well, with vivid morning dreams -
someone spilled an entire beer on my bed - rain related image? -
Posted image from end of La Dolce Vita on fb - reminded me, the night of
my DUI, local family came along us with car in water-filled ditch,
drove us to their home to get truck for tow - I sat in backseat next
to baby in baby seat, had a moment of awareness of how far away I
was from ability to relate to a child, to help that child, maybe so
far away from my own innocence - far away from being a role model
for a child, my niece and nephew - corrupted by bitterness, anger
and fear - that was a pure moment, and probably helped me accept and
realize what had happened and accept responsibility. Gave me a goal.
To regain what seemed unattainable.
I should not blame myself too harshly - when you got as little as I
thought I had, I did what I needed to survive - I can say 'well I
should not have clung to Shelley', but I had been in hardwired
survival mode for decades before I met her - that's who I was, there
was no other me to do better. She no doubt had her equivalent, as do
we all. So take it easy on myself. I was not evil. Just trying to
survive, looking for a home.
Grateful for this long weekend, keep resting, eating good food.
BBC did a cool animation of the Iggy/Bowie montage. I reopened Twitter
account for my montages. What the hell? Maybe someone will pay me
for using some of them. Not quitting day job tho. I read about
people working 2 jobs, no healthcare, outrageous rents - reminds me,
again, to be grateful for all I have. Almost 20years of this - from
~43-63yrs old (coming up in March) - cottage, time to learn, my
small community with Buff/DJ which also connect to larger community
of Karen, Sooz, G&S, GT etc. Yes, this is a good life. Just what I
wanted, tho doesn't look like straight white version I was sold by
straight white world. Let go. Embrace all I have. Enjoy, be nothing
but myself, share experience with love and open heart.
9:45am. May wind up back in bed for the day. Have sushi & rice/orange
chicken from bowl. See if there's afternoon concert at Plough. Call
Life is good.
Making it to 62, retirement age, means less likely to be a burden on
anyone - I can potentially move to cheapest city in US, live on
Social Security. That is a relief. 63 in 3 months - if my current
situation lasts 2more years, I can retire with full benefits and
Sat Jan 14.17 II
Well dang - I think I got ~7hrs sleep. Nomad then Market ~noon, Himalayan
lunch & a fruit pastry treat, apples, orange, lemons - something new
in breakfast smoothies - eggs, beeswax candles, - fun, nice sunny
day out with the people. @home Tom on fb points me to Iggy Pop page,
where he shared a BBC link to radio show with my Iggy/Bowie montage.
After a while on fb, ~2:30 realize I need a nap - pow! - out till ~5?
Guess this bug still hanging around. ~6:00 walk to Bowl for
hot/sour soup, rice/chicken bowl, sushi, hemp milk, bananas,
blue/raspberries, impulse buy jelly beans damn them!, tea strainer
and green tea. Feel good about food these days, what a blessing
- so much I owe to K. Never forget.
What a super neighborhood.
Mon Might pick up Gil's disco publicity shot, scan & print for some
friends. See how we all feel. No plans tomorrow - might be just as
well to hang out at home in bed, maybe pull out some more GT rolls
to scan/upload. Call Mom and, as always, dishes and general
straightening. Look into goop/sealant for skylight? Wait for a dry
week to do it, then get up there and trowel it in. I can do it.
Sat Jan 14.17 nm 9:30am
Fri 13th BART delays, elevator breakdowns - more Sherlock Holmes -
he's getting sentimental, letting people go, there but for grace of
god go I etc.
Mostly all well post-flu(?) - which was mainly fatigue, so when I stayed
in bed and drank tea & brandy I felt okay, because I was doing what
my body required. Still a bit mentally foggy, been 2 we
Again, last night, waking up ~2am for an hour or so - maybe start smoking
a bit of cannabis again soon. Mon off for MLK Day - maybe
visit G&S then?
Considered a Russian River Loop, but prob best to wait till I'm full
energy, plus, tho sunny, it's cold.
Work has been mercifully slow, but have helped people a few times that
made them very happy and appreciate my value. Curious if I will hear
any of feedback from Tues training. If it's good, I won't
hear anything. If they come at me with bad, ask if there was any
3 days with nothing to do. Feels good. Laundry got done early because of
leaky roof necessitated towel washing/drying, new power strip, as
well as skylight taping. Need groceries, which is fun these days, I
like walk and back to Bowl.
The things I need to get to that I am not getting to:
My skin - face seems to be staying red/dry even when not getting any sun,
plus warts on lower-left eyelid, and non-healing dry skin on
shoulders. Get it looked at.
Stretch or yoga - work out the stiffness. Make it a habit.
Putty skylight. Ask Tom? Who do I ask? Have Buff ask landlord? (have not
seen Buff in a while, he's been sick).
Work slow this week, so aside from Gil & cold 86 Albuquerque show
scan/upload - and last GT post-2-Steps non-Donnette shots to Greg at
Omnivore - pulled some live stuff out of '88 videos - Friends of
Family in Austin, St Michael from Florida, random Remake-Remodel etc
- uploaded to Scott page, got lots of likes.
Everyone on fb sharing teen albums that impacted them - interesting and
fun to see what generation people live in and bands who spoke to
The White Album - The Beatles
A Salty Dog - Procal Harum
Fragile - Yes
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
The Soft Parade - The Doors
Court of the Crimson King - King Crimson
Blue - Joni Mitchell
After The Goldrush - Neil Young
Benefit - Jethro Tull
Tea for the Tillerman - Cat Stevens
Sent Donnette Birthday greetings. See? Movement is possible. I note
Shelley liking/loving/commenting more on my GT posts. I've done my
share of direct outreach, asking to friend her on fb, emailed her
about improving relations for sake of friends/family, got angry palm
in face, she chose cemetery stones and photo albums over improved
relationship. Don't like being a jerk, but ball is in her court.
Finances pretty good. Starting 2017 where I wanted to be a year ago - ~61
minus ~$7K predictable annual expenditures - Oregon, WV, WEF, car,
Jazz/Blues. Seems like UK house would take far more than the 50K
that was being offered, so... prob not going to need to donate that?
E IM'd asked for signed Frida print, said missed me - it's all good, but a
bit awkward. I am devoted to K, want to be careful not to undermine,
while also not refusing outreach from E. It can be done. Confidences
must be kept.
Fri feel asleep ~9pm, up ~2-3am? - up ~8:30. Still needing extra
Wed Jan 11.17 5:7pm laundromat
Dang, so - went in early ~8am Mon to take pics for new
hires, Randy not there - sick. He had my email, but said no phone,
but why no email? Whatever. J came in early, I forget when. I was
still feeling ill - don't remember much. Feeling weak, weary, foggy.
Sore throat - and .5hr training this next morning.
Tues slept badly, mainly awake after 2am - WTF - amused myself
fantasizing having N every which way - nasty! - went in 7:45, 3.5hr
training - all previous employees but one - awkward -, LA folks
showed up an hour late, delayed by big rain storm. I was still not
100%, taking throat numbing spray and honeyed tea. They laughed at
my jokes, seemed interested in Frida & Game Theory autobio, asked
questions, said thanks/super valuable. Handed out opinion form
after, said to give to front desk/anonymous. I suspect they'd be
good, but curious - be prepared - seriously - any criticism/requests
are an opportunity to do better - maybe be more organized? -, and
that's what I want, isn't it?
Wed, R still out sick so I opened 7am. Tues night rain
storm, roof leaking badly, towels on ledge soaked through, glass jar
full of brown water, also dripping on side & top edge of mattress
and pillow. Worst ever. But since I didn't take care of business, by
patching skylight inside and out, I couldn't feel too put-upon or
curse my fate. Slept on dry area against wall, but again up ~2am and
that was that. Shit. What can ya do - bummer, but I didn't freak too
Oh, but when I got home to get ready to see Sooz, water had dripped
from towel onto power strip on floor next to bed, it smelled of
electrical burn, melted plastic casing - danger! Sigh. Was tired,
still ill, getting up @5:30am for difficult train, was thinking to
cancel Tues Sooz night, but only ~3 more before
she leaves - I had some Tequila/pretzels/Stilton
cheese/hummus/raspberries, not in great mood, but good to see her,
chat about move to OR, hold/pet sweet orange Cheeto a lot. Talked
about Sherlock Holmes, and K & My current tiff over her bringing up
S&K. Left early - to dripping ceiling, wet bed. Sigh.
Anyway - in 7am today, and thank you baby Jesus it was slow, scanned a
bunch of negs: Scott Lolita Nation cover 120, rolls - Mon
scanned/uploaded a Gil Lolita roll, fun one by freeway/Big Shot
Sammy Davis Jr.; also scanned/uploaded 1986 cold outdoor Albuquerque
gig. Many I've never printed/seen, now's the time.
Scanned/fixed faded color snapshot of Stacey's dad, looked much better!
She posted and it does look v cool - Reservoir Dog glasses.
Off work 3:15 - tired, small nap on BART, made my plan - brought ladder
into cottage, taped up skylight - sposed to be big storm tomorrow -
vacuumed ceiling debris, which was not as bad as I expected. Bundle
all my towels that have been soaking up leakage, also wet
bedclothes, pillow cases and few day's worth of clothes. Stop at
hardware store for power strip, and now laundry.
Only 6:15 - can get all this done, remake bed, lay out towels and pray. R
back in tomorrow so I can sleep in; feeling like by this weekend
I'll be pretty well mended. Maybe do GT slideshow? Time is valuable,
but this 2 week break when we both sick maybe was good for us? I
needed to take care of myself a bit.
A time of change. All time is a time of change. Let it go. Be present.
So, this week: still not 100%, dealt with R being out, big rain storm,
severely leaking roof, working alone, coming in early, training,
taking pics, doing my job, short term memory pretty weak, visit Sooz
- but got it done. Scanning, uploading, reading Sherlock Holmes,
staying in touch with friends in need, haven't gotten high for
almost 2 weeks, getting ready for Sooz's leaving. K bummed about
prob losing house/going to court. Needs a miracle.
All just normal life. Sun - or was it Mon? long IM with Lind
about okay to share pics, and in-depth talk, check-in, cause with
how it went south before I want to know what is on our minds. Seems
K - Nice - clean bed, taped up ceiling, lots of towels, new power strip.
Pretzels and Stilton at home.
Cool. Clothes drying.
Sun Jan 8.17 nm
Promised rain came late - steady all night and till now, leaking roof,
towels catching - internet, bucket of pudding, Sat drove to
BB for fruit/eggs/hot & sour soup dinner. Mmmm. No pot this week.
Haven't missed it.
Nice being in bed, covers and pillows, turned heat down to minimum,
drinking theraflu w/brandy, gentle rainsong thrums on roof. Not too
bored - comfy. Vacation from work stress, forced withdrawing into
self to preserve strength while ill, healthy respite from life
stuff. Good to take care of friends and also take of myself. There's
no shame in sometimes putting self first. That's how one stays
strong for others.
Freaked a bit about rash: itchy little red dots on torso - only on chest &
back/shoulders - which makes me think heat rash, or allergens,
sweating in sweatshirts - except it's never happened before, despite
years of sweaty overheated cottage nights. Online no help. See if it
goes away on its own. Take some pics for doc. Annoyingly itchy, but
not bad as poison oak.
FB: Unfollowing almost everyone except actual friends & art/science pages.
Think I'm getting better mentally, good enough to do pics Mon, and
Sat pm lots of Godfather I clips, looked up articles, lots
of unanswered questions/plot holes.
Ahh - okay - plans today? I could add a bit of tape to the ceiling, wet or
not, and call Mom. Org those papers that've been sitting
around for 2 weeks. That's about it. Oh, set up smoke detector.
Considering how little solid food I've been eating, body generating a lot
of waste. Well, sushi boxes & burritos, okay - also soups and tea.
No work snacks - peanuts, cereal, whatever. Feeling good in that
regard. Do my best to skip work snacks. Grab a ball to sit on.
Hard rain now. 10am. Home. Mom. Sushi. Paper organize.
First: lox-bagel snack and another 1/2 cup coffee. Just as soon sit here
in my cherished little Nomad coffee shop than cottage.
Sat Jan 7.17 nm
'Face-melting radioactive drive into a wall at 90mph conversation
killers'. My description of what happens when K bring up K&S in any
sort of sympathy for K context. She is having trouble grasping it
still. It is the one 3rd rail between us. Like, for her, me
Of course, she is going through an extremely rough time, single mom
working 2 jobs going to court over house - unfortunately, this one
subject is such a kick in the nuts for me, I have no control over
reaction - so it's up to he to be cool. Or accept that when she does
bring it up, there will be silence for some time.
In bed all day, in/out of sleep/naps - mentally foggy, plan to get out of
bed to forage, 3 hours later still thinking about it. Last night
~5:30 drive to CVS downtown for theraflu, then to campus restaurant
row for Korean curry soup. Consumed both at home, theraflu w/brandy
- it was good to get out in fresh air, tho affect of flu is like
being high, without the fun. City lights at night, collegiate
life-is-just-starting, are more romantic; short-term memory makes me
uncomfortable lest a situation arise calling upon thinking. Theraflu
knocked me out - not like pot, which one can resist, and come in and
out of - meds effect is more like sun setting - lights going down
and no stopping it.
Going to sleep early - woke up last night ~midnight-2? Dunno. My sense of
time is a mess.
I do need to focus on my own health, can't help it since I've limited
brain power/obviously focus is on missing work/having no energy for
over a week. But I remind myself this is not a bad thing, not
really serious illness, not painful nor
severally debilitating etc. One should use a few brain
cells to note that one should prepare for bad health issues.
Found pics from 2011 Jazz/Blues Buddy Guy/BB King; both L's family friend
& uncle in some, shared, that was good.
mmm - coffee good.
Nothing much to report here - been in bed with mild flu, mild but keeps me
in bed for days -
New hires at work next week: Mon in early for photos, Tue in
early to train - hope to be in decent shape.
Maybe slide show w/G&S tomorrow?
Today - sposed to be huge rain storm. Tape up skylight. Call Mom. Go
through pile of papers: toss, file away, whatever. Those would be
good to have done.
Send in Ultipro corrections!! Didn't get to it yesterday.
I think otherwise, life is decently organized. Bills paid, friends/fam
Saw fb share from someone regretting he did not tell someone who
died unexpectedly how much they'd meant to him. Thought about
anyone I may not have told - F? He is, I think, a little in
dark about why I am cool to him. He had such an impact, and in
his actions showed kindness, even while his words were
occasionally over the line and 'unforgiveable'. He introduced me to
Donnette, maybe Scott? He let me into Davis music scene as
photographer - at a time when some folks like Russ wouldn't let lame
geeky me anywhere near. Shot Boys Life; people saw those and
liked them, then X-MEN - some of those were cool! My pics
started appearing on flyers around campus/town and in papers. By
time I approached ALRN that hot afternoon at the Craft Center, they
already knew who I was. That took some confidence to say "I can do
better!" - BAM! Got double-exposure shot. Excellent eye-grabber.
So, okay. Fred. Write.
Fun memories. Shooting pics of bands was fun! Jazz/Blues fest with Eric is
fun. All time spent with friends - Eric, Karen, Gil, Sooz - fun!
Walking in beautiful nature is a diff kind of enjoyment - taking
pictures of nature is fun. :-)
Getting high at night, with light show and music, while playing with old
negs in Photoshop is fun! Vacation in Oceanside is not exactly
fun - it is about healing and regeneration. But! I
re-reconsidered Oregon, realized it is about having a
quiet beautiful place with nothing to do. Set my expectations.
It's not about exploration and excitement, fun - things to do - I
just like being there with beauty, sound of ocean, fresh air.
Boredom is part of the price. Boredom is not bad, so long as I
suppose I don't respond to it with crazed reaching out,
drinking/drugging, morbid whatever. Ask fb friends - what do you do,
at a quiet vacation retreat, to avoid boredom? Maybe it is up to
me, to organize my mind, keep it busy, with something wholesome,
healthy and worthwhile. Day drives to local towns. Cooking meals.
Walking. Stretching tapes. Books. Whatever.
I'm having similar experience Eric & I had/have at Russian River - it was
new and exciting!, became 'normal', we missed feeling of newness -
now, after 6 years, settled in, focused on pleasure of spending
time with a good friend is enough, more than enough - reaching
that point of fully recognizing true value is a huge gift for
both of us.
So Oceanside - focused on pleasure of spending time by
ocean/beautiful offshore rocks/long flat beach and rocks/tide-pools
around bend, in a funky comfortable cottage is enough. Avoiding
painful boredom is up to me. Part of that is me keeping in mind
why I'm there.
What a great life. Be kind to my friends. Be kind to everyone.
Thu Jan 5. 17 nm
Yuck - yep, other symptoms fade, here comes sinus shit. Dang. Short-term
memory fucked. Feels like it's getting worse? Get decongestant for
wk tomorrow, today drive to WF for theraflu. Poured
Walked to BB for soup/burrito/salmon/pudding etc. That was nice actually.
Berk Bowl workers noticeably more real, relaxed, personal than WF!
Found online list if Talking Heads gigs, organized, posted to davis80s.
At home, ate most of burrito, most of jelly beans... brain dead,
occasional violent sneezes - gonna drive to WF for theraflu, home to
bed - sposed to be huge rain storm this weekend - maybe visit G&S
and maybe slideshow.
Thu Jan 5.17 nm
Called in sick 3rd day, glad I did - congestion, itchy rash (wtf?),
general malaise, weak appetite, physical weakness - symptoms mild,
throat, congestion, etc - but you can just tell: withdrawn animal
leave me alone to heal feeling. Well enough to hang at Nomad couple
hours, but not to walk 10mins to Berk Bowl.
Wed: Lots of fb of course. In Dan's 'thank you for success of BSC/LN
rereleases' thread, expressed sincere gratitude to Cheryl from Omni.
A nice moment built on network of hundreds, if not thousands, and
decades of history. She got it done.
Also, fun music videos shared: Bloodwyn Pig Drive
Me from G was cool! J Tull's 1st guitarist. Slade's Cum
On Feel The Noise. Morrissey later in evening. Good stuff.
Smoothies, medicinal tea w/brandy, BB burrito heated in Foreman grill,
10pm shower. Digestion good.
Uncreative - no photoshop - no pot - got most errands done.
I am cranky/dull, but not miserable; fb keeps me in touch w/network, while
I 'unfollow' more & more people I don't actually know.
Congestion/runny nose (runny noise ha ha) kicking in - head home soon. Get hot & sour soup
Wed Jan 4.17 nm 9:47am
2nd day home sick, feeling better today I think, or else getting
used to it - not much appetite/energy - called last night to say not
in today, probably in Thurs. Cool - costs me nothing, I have
~30 PTOs, this is what they're for, tho I seem to have forgotten
that, maybe 'cause I'm so rarely ill enough to need them? And also
because in our small dept, we're more likely to come in even when
Tue: 2 smoothies w/brandy, 2 helpings chicken noodle soup w/bread,
chips at night, 3 cups of hot lemon medicinal drink w/brandy, 2 jars
of water - watching for dehydration, have not noticed intoxication
Drive to BB for berries, hot soup, eggs, bread, burrito, HW store for
Got into a bit of an unpleasant argument on fb Floating Heads page,
realized it was not for me, I not for them, and quit group. Thought
maybe I should wait - but feel fine this morning - it's been
unsatisfactory for some time. A mismatch. Obsessed & competitive
like I get with video games.
I been asking myself about fb time, but am on 24/7 it seems - more so
during holidays & sickbed-time - or am I - is it really more?
Cranky from illness. * brings up S as example of emotionally distant male
giving her sympathy for * - I was about to bite her head off. That
is probably the one area she & I should not go
- as I've told her many times - ; on top of which it's such a
mundane common predictable subject - emotional women vs.
less-emotional men - yawn - she approaches like it's a problem to be
solved, instead of a fact to be accommodated.
Mean. Sick. Worried. Sad.
Tues: Mick Ronson's daughter's fb page, Iggy/Bowie cover band
poster used my Bowie/Iggy montage - cool. I assume they - musicians
who've knew both - know it's fake, but enjoy idea. I like seeing my
ideas get validation. Like Frida/Patti. Good idea. Lead me to
post cool Starman on Top of Pops vid.
Bed early, sound of heavy rain, towels on side of bed catching drips, woke
~2? watched cowboy shootouts bar fights etc for hours - The Rifleman
- Chuck Connors looks cool! Clint Eastwood, Few Dollars More - that
was fun! - good deep sleep till 8am, woke up feeling pretty
good/rested/mentally more present.
Only plan today is to tape skylight - -I should wait till rain over and
surface is dry. Bring ladder in? Lay sheet to catch debris.
On fb Scott page Dan V thanked everyone involved, seems like LN & BSC
doing well, at least so far as 2016 Best-re-releases lists. Thanked
Pat, Gil, Me, Greg (photo guy at Omni I work with) - my ego likes
seeing my name up there with talented artists/core group of Scott
support etc, (tho demographic who cares is minuscule in extreme); I
could overthink if so inclined (ha ha), but I think it means:
photos, willingness to share freely, send them examples to choose
from, do the scanning & photoshopping is appreciated, a helpful
selling point for pre-release videos/packaging/reviews, etc. When I
put it that way, it is a not-insignificant addition. It's not about
me as a photographer, it's about collaboration with Scott,
career-long working relationship, being a visual tool for him,
bringing proofsheets for him to examine & mark up, exchanging ideas,
sometimes using his, sometimes mine. No matter what an immature
drunk pain-in-the-ass I could be, he put high value on my loyalty,
because it was a sign I knew he was as good as he thought he was.
That's what he wanted. LOYALTY to his career as an artist.
ART ultimately came before success. My devotion
to Scott and his art has been transferred to Omnivore.
I'm sure they feel and appreciate that.
Also, bonus discs would be a lot less interesting without
(previously controversial/now gold) hours of tapes I collected:
2-trac Waist/Knees & Little Ivory from rehearsal studio, "We're not
a bloody band until you accept Yoko.", Roadrunner from Boston Rat
- omg so glad I caught that and it was good enough for
release! - that might be the personal high point for me, 'cause it
showed what the band could do unrehearsed spur of the moment
challenged - rock!.
So, okay. That simple thank you is appreciated.
haha - - over-think - - but some of that was pretty good. :-D
It's lightly raining but not cold, and I have a couple days off to
get over - at this point - mild bug.
11am.. coffee & bagel. Now back to bed rest, do something with my mind so
I don't get sullen and nasty.
Annnd - last observation - attention for Game Theory Scott & Iggy/Bowie
montage etc - that is nicer than a poke in the eye with a sharp
stick, and I enjoy a brief wallow in ego soup - WTF - I enjoy
analyzing it -& they help keep mechanical "You are worthless" voice
away - but they do not make my life any more real or less fragile or
more fulfilled than sitting here now.
Tues Jan 3.17 home bed sick
Would call in sick but Jeff already out today - I could call in sick tho!
No more 'neck shoulders' comments on fb floating heads page. I know I'm
being a pain in the ass gadfly. No one else is doing it - so let go.
Emailed Sooz to cancel tonight.
Sweaty, mild cough - chills - all mild but yuck - - whatever - go in -
take up space - but I think I slept well! ~9:30-7am.
K - - smoothie, shower, call work to say I'll be an hour late - take
care of myself!
Called to say I'd be in late, R said go ahead & stay home, he doesn't want
to get sick. Cool. No guilt because I offered to come in; maybe call
in sick tomorrow as well; hard to imagine I'll be okay. Lemon flu
tea w/shot of brandy seems to help. I don't notice any intoxication.
Almost noon - walk or drive in rain to BB for soup, something substantial
- I have almost no appetite, except for fruit smoothies & hot soups.
Cleaning out some of the holiday garbage, so that's good.
Then... ? More smoothies? Get high, watch movies and nap?
I am grateful the symptoms are not severe. But, as R mentioned, I could
have a low-grade fever without realizing.
Mon Jan 2.17 nm laundromat
PBJ sandwich, call Mom, she sick, too; check-in w/Gil/K/L - rent check to
DJ, make list, drive to hardware store - closed, BB also :-P ... art
store for board to project GT slides on. Past WF on way home, super
crowded, try later; with towels/bedclothes/pillow cases/sweat shirts
plenty enough for laundry - 2 loads.
After: WF for hot soup, berries, theraflu tea, kitchen sponges. Then back
to bed I guess - maybe read instead of internet -
Internet more and more decides what I see, what I 'believe', recommending
pages, showing "news" based on algorithms of what I want to see. And
what news - time to stop politics and get back to celebrities?
Fucking really fucking creepy
G&S say they've got adds after *talking* about stuff near their phones -
sure. I've heard same years past about digital TV. Laptops etc can
spy on people - why not? Keep that thought prominent - Buff and
Robin both cutting way back on facebook - so yes, it can be done. I
think I am so invested I can't do without - - but what? A repository
of old photos and IMs? I could get iPhone/pad & IM that way without
Facebook is not all that. I've used it to death - maybe now I can do
without, or with 10% of current amount. Nothing new.
People have seen my Scott pics, and private photo page - but - anything
else I need it for?
How about a week or two on my separate backup page, for IMs, keep away
from main page, see how it goes?
Mon Jan 2.17 nm ~10AM
Good to have this free day while bug works through - general 'crud', as
Eric calls it. Able to breath through nose, mild scratchy throat -
sweaty, some body aches - all very mild, could be much worse.
But - poo.
Sun ~1 drive to Pegasus for calendars/visit ATM. Then home, into
bed ~4 - just doing nothing/resting body - so much time w/face in
computer yucky. Booked 121 WEF room. Now need to ask work for
week off in April to visit home, and WEF
Fri-Mon, & Jazz/Blues weekend.
Today mainly rest, tape from hardware store/tape up skylight,
sponges, groceries, call Mom.
Don't have enough dirty clothes to do laundry, but if I throw in sweaty
sheets/Sons of Champlin sweatshirt that would make a load.
Okay - - yest - two smoothies, bagel w/butter, pm PBJ. Another, call Mom,
hardware store, laundry, sponges. Cool. Get it done, and rest.
Oh, and every year I say Yoga - some chance of actually doing it? At least
I look for local place. But where do I find time?
Sun Jan 1.2017 nm
From dry/erase board:
Talking Heads Hi-8 movie
Screen? (for slides)
Thanks to Shirley for meat/cheese gift.
Learn work cam
So today/tomorrow: bold stuff - calendars, sponges, bank,
board/screen from art supply store, card for Shirley,
call Mom, look into local yoga classes, hardware store
good white (?) tape for skylight hole, ATM for cash.
Sore throat not going away; I see people talking about mild bug that
hangs on for weeks - so make note, stay away from Gil, or at least
let him know what's up, let him decide?
Def no trip to coast, prob no trip to SR - take it easy, stay in bed,
drink water, hot soup, let body rest up. Time in bed sounds good.
Looking into eBay/Amazon Hi-8 sound projectors, they all seem slightly
sketchy - rental would be ideal, instead of purchasing sight-unseen,
being disappointed - set-ups that digitize are pricey - $800-$1K.
Hmp - - if I do that list & enjoy my 3 days off, nothing more is required.
Check in w/G&S if they need anything, and also just to say Hi!
Sitting for hours at work, cottage & Nomad
with legs crossed - I think that is not good. Get out
and walk. Get some sweats?
Everyday remind myself of what a great neighborhood, job, friends, etc I
Googled more - best bet for Hi-8 film is pay for pro transfer. Skip
intimate JAA film. She disappeared completely after I sent scanned
stills. One last time: I had asked her several time was it okay to
email, sent her samples of both of us, warned her next batch would
be more intimate, she said please send, so I did. So! - Assume
nothing; do not assume she is upset. She is busy, not well, and
I think her Mom's caretaker - plus, she is who she is -
difficult/spoiled/non-committal (sound familiar?). So could just be
she is busy > some day will - once more - email with apologies for
silence. Meantime - wish her a Happy New Year, then leave it alone,
There is no guessing where she's at.
Get rid of metal Chinatown good luck mama rabbit?
Very intimate shares from L. Line crossed I did not expect and
surprisingly am okay with.
K - IM'd/emailed everyone, Sooz/Gil/Eric that I have a bug, JAA Happy NY
and that I'm digitizing 'Ed' film we did for Mike Henderson's film
class, mentioned that I'm not digitizing our intimate film
(or will I?). LR thanks for pics/send more. Etc.
Now - calendar, bank etc.
Sat Dec 31.16 II and I
'm sposed to feel something, but I know it's artificial. We all, past a
certain point, do. I am far far more normal than abnormal. Really.
Mainly sat around, online, floating heads, porn, hentai/guro, fending off
pressure to *do something* or find new years *special* - but it's
not , just another day. @6pm Sushi Ko - cold, had painfully deep
shivers of type when sick - , Guy Fiere Grills food channel
:-) - I find that shit ultra-entertaining -, chicken udon,
sushies. 2 lg hot sakes. 1/2-priced book: Sherlock Holmes, 3CD
Blues, Leonard ?? shot-stories.
Now - post sushi - Talking Heads live - high - 8:17pm - bed - have said
hi to everyone last 2 days - could drop in on Sooz, would like to
meet G's bro, short 30min meet & greet - but non-essential. Maybe SRosa Mon/sushi/ See what's going on with my throat tomorrow
morning - if sick stay away from G. Dang.
And stop gorging.
Talking Heads. Blessed memories. Yes. Tomorrow will be a great day with
many fun life-things.
The right time will arise for GT slideshow - wait for it. Not too long,
Sat Dec 31.16
Yes well - - Big Suck this year is Trump who not only disgraces the nation
- or maybe he just confirmed how absolutely fucked we are - but
seems entirely unprepared for the position. No one wants to perform
at his inaugural. His supporters think he's an immature sociopath.
Hopefully he will be forced out within first year and hapless
buffoon Pense will be powerless to affect his crappy hateful
Gil being ill, Sooz leaving, house trouble in UK - - none of it much fun.
But I am good, denial protects me, as it must, from all uncertainty
in life. Some have religious denial.
Fri half day wk, check in w/G about visit, with Eric
about sushi - G's weekend pretty busy, Bro visiting, so suddenly
could do overnight to Bragg? It's sort of a tradition: Out early
Sun, Mendo/Bragg ~noon, ~5hours on coast, MacKerricher, cheap
hotel, Mon out early for a few hours at headlands > lv
~1:30pm for SR sushi w/E. Could. Have mild sore throat this morning,
but otherwise okay, so prob from sucking down 4 smokes with G last
night. Those smokes in garage are and always have been very cool
times to talk/bond/share memories etc/music - - . Bought a pack of
smokes @Albany liquor store along w/ice cream/Sapporo - traded Gil
for his remaining pack of ~5. Worked.
Anyway, had a good 2hr visit 7-9, BB bean/beef soup/bread dinner
beforehand, brought them bags of jelly beans, a few beers for G&I,
ice cream for freezer. Borrowed photo of Stacey's Dad she'd just
received to photoshop into better quality. Got home > ate BB burrito
Ah - - was trying to remember what happened between getting home 2pm &
leaving for G&S's @6pm.
Looked through all Super-8 movies from 80s - first of all, set up
heavy wooden shoe-holding shelves > projected onto white wall
beneath art shelf - then checked & confirmed all are Super-8,
so two projectors I bought from eBay useless. Found clip of X-Men
house, Jerry & Gavin chasing Donnette into a pile of leaves,
Marge/John Davis footage, AND 2nd of 3 sound rolls of GT at
Berkeley Keystone ~1982 w/Nan doing Life in July - don't recall what
else on it. So damn it, I need some hi-end film digitizing, or to
buy a sound Super-8 projector > do best I can filming off a wall.
That was an exciting moment - finding GT film - I now recall there
were 3 rolls: Sleeping Through Heaven already digitized
(unsatisfactorily), just re-discovered Nan roll, & 3rd with X-Men at
Mabuhay Gardens, that I loaned to Donnette, and she claimed to have
thrown out. "Because it's my band." Yeah, well.
Memories - Good God.
K - so - Fri: Sleep-in, half day 9-1, looked through Super-8
movies, price projectors, contact Gil & Eric about
weekend visits, Lo traveling back from CHI memorial service, BerkB
for berries/burrito/soup/eggs/hemp milk/jellybeans, etc, feeling
good, rested, mentally clear - - 2 hour visit w/G&S.
Today will be chill day - Sun-Mon? Dunno. Coast/Santa Rosa -
-but might do short Sooz visit, and/or drop in on G&S for one hour
to meet brother?
Today - bank for cash. art board to project slides, look online for
Suoer-8 sound film projector.