deeper an buy 2017

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 Sun Feb 26.17 nm
 Sat ate 5-day-old WF salad bar, yummy and worked! Drive to SR ~1, easy traffic - yay! - first long-'ish drive in Cammie - Deva? - power steering, cruise control - wow - radio - wow! wow - radio is really bad. Bring out the tapes - cool! Sunny day, sun roof - had a moment panic at Berkeley 580-80 split - where am I going?!?! It's been months - stopped leaving town after Gil went into hospice ~2.5 months ago. No prob - Peets in SR - Eric's ~3, he looks good - we both look old, but he doesn't look sick/flu'ish like sometimes.
 Brought CBD pot, book, he gave me knife to replace one left at hospital security, and a phone - my landline has a busy signal since ~1 week ago - tired Eric's at home and still busy signal - so maybe something wrong with connection? Email LMI.
 Joy ride cammie to show how she does - feels wrong - not hippie funk like me - but have to say she's nice, and a cool love gift. Grown up car.
 Eric asked if I'd ever bought a car - opposed to gift - 'cause I've had Red Van from Shelley, Siouxie from Karen/Iain, now Cammie from Sooz. Had to think. First VW was really bought by Anne Newman (?) because when we broke up she kept it. Then - what? Baby I lived in ~1982-83 I bought from Craft Center Nancy 1982. Then green VW van - I'd almost forgot about - 1984. Shelley's red van. Dodge Dart - barely remember that, so must have been early 90s party years. Blue Toyota from Chae ~1995? No idea. Then Siouxie, now Cammie.
 VW Anne Newhall's 1975
 Toyota Baby 1982-84
 Green VW van 1984 - 1987?
 Shelley's red van 1988-94
 Dodge Dart ? early 90s ?
 Blue Toyota Corolla mid-late 90s
 Siouxie 2003?
 Cammie 1017
 Geez - and only one DUI - in Chae's blue Toyota Jan 1997.
 So last Jan was 20th anniversary, and I was not aware. Gil was happening. But also good not to get to hung up in the past. Live and breath now.
 Anyway - talked about Gil's death w/Eric, how I'm feeling - that was good - different kinds of deaths, all different, trying to find lessons is fraught, since few will apply to all e.g., tell everyone quickly, quit your job etc; also he said it's normal the way your mind tightens up, gets clear and serious, drops pettiness and neurosis in a crisis - still, glad to see it worked for me as well.
 Sushi's and split Kobe beef dinner, hot sakes, chocolate dessert. On way home I noticed body aches had disappeared - elbow still sore - but seeing Eric was good for my soul. Which just goes to show - something! Importance of friends.
 Was gonna do breakfast w/Stacey this morning - she emailed, no sleep, just a visit, and likely need to extend GFM page further to help pay for memorial. Sigh. Awkward to ask for second helping, since we just made that first 20K - but if we promote it specially for memorial, maybe  a separate GFM? Check in with Kate, Wynn etc group for ideas.
 I think I am still in long-term Gil phase - from time he got sick, years of bad news, painful debilitating treatments, etc, now in post-death continuation, support & memorial - still to come, living life in a world without my friend Gil in it, and maybe being triggered unexpectedly - that's what I'm told to anticipate.
 Today - call Mom, Sooz(?), visit Stacey, laundry in afternoon. Organize cammie trunk/back seat, org papers more, groceries. I thought of something I could get from from Urban Ore - now can't recall what it was.
 Alrighty - this blog - it's good for this.
 Medium-sized cell phone - doesn't have to be iPhone/Mac - long-life battery, voice recognition, GPS, Siri, only need ~20hrs month calls and 1000 texts - if that! Not gonna watch TV on it.
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 Sat Feb 25.17 nm
 First month post-Gil, I'm far from past it: body aches, mortal gloom constantly on mind, no creative energy, empty disengaged worldview. Fri after wk up Sacramento to Chinatown, achy limbs stopped me from walking to top of hill/down Powell - it's not lack of energy, or mental depression, it's physical feebleness - still, slowly up to Stockton, into Mac store, asked a few questions -
 - if I'm gonna do both phone and tablet, gonna be a couple grand - well, ~$500 each - then ~$100/month - . I can do that. Need to clean out Apple accounts and see if my SS# is still screwy - maybe no tablet. Just simple phone with good battery lots of memory. Thing is - do one of the other - a medium-sized phone prob all I need. But - a tab I could maybe use instead of laptop? Laptop for art? Nah. Don't need a tablet.
 - got a seat on BART, enjoying Buford's autobio -
 Super-busy work, still haven't broached vacations with Jeff. Do that soon! Uptightness, discomfort is in me, not on work. They have almost always accommodated my vacations. I have fears around asking for them from authority. Fear of authority - church, parents, bosses - own it. It's on me to deal with it and find comfort in myself. Morning guy Randy taking Mon-Tues off - so it is not a problem. It is not forbidden. Just ask.
 I am so full of fears. Fear nothing.
 Today: Eric in Santa Rosa ~3 - meantime, groceries, shower, cottage care, lunch. Call Mom. Online taxes?
 Sun
check in with Stacey - drop off pic of her father & note from Mom. Walk around Tilden? It's good to get out and walk even if I am slow and achy. Do it. My body needs exercise and fresh air. This feebleness makes me feel old and doomed. Fuck it. Poor Gil. He suffered a lot, but he hung on. Smoked and drank till the end.
 The lessons we get from out parents. Dad - hide your anger, take life very seriously, argue to win, be judgmental, live, do your duty.
 Losing Gil, also - he was a window from which I watched his musician friends & network from NC - also Bay Area - gone. Not that many had become actual friends - it expanded my world - exposed different POVs, talents etc. Gone? Dunno. Like when Scott died, a loudfan SteveH said he feared loss of friend network - didn't happen, connections/friendships remained. So - it will sort itself out. Let organic change do its thing. Don't grasp or cling. I actually look forward to seeing Donnette - some trepidation around Shelley. What I can do is forgive her for not defending me when Chris slandered me in front of friends - that was 20years ago - she was high as a kite and her life in some turmoil, we were entirely different people. I don't even know who she is anymore. Not sure I ever did. Let it go. It was a rotten thing to do - but if I'm gonna forgive myself, need to forgive her, too.
 Hard - not as hard as family hard - but hard. Let it go. Do my best. Breath in and out love and forgiveness. Take 1/2 a Valium.
 Think about N now and then - maybe should entirely let it go. I kept it alive? Reached out, long calls, drove to Davis, etc etc. She enjoyed that maybe (?), and it was good to have support when Scott died - but - it is not there. She did send a couple of IMs, asked if I wanted to drive to Davis to see her, but no suggestion/invitation to talk/converse - that's just her, but what am I sposed to do with it? When I look too close, I probably want more than is healthy - sexual fixation - can see where that's causes discomfort. But since she generates that from men, it ought to be something she can deal with - and I thought we'd found an honest balance. Then there's her disappearing, coming to CA without telling me. Gil telling me about K (?) party "Nan was there." So, is there any room for contact - when I think about it - I remember my anger when she was here around Scott memorial(?), and went to coast, no contact for a week, then sent pics of headlands said 'I thought of you when I saw this!' Grr. I thought we were supporting each other. When it came down to it she disappeared. Not sure if we can have a low-key non-public friendship. But - better to try than not. What could go wrong? Don't judge or explain. Just a talking friendship, no visits, avoid expectation of public friendship? No weight on it at all. Sure. Why not. She is not into apologizing or defending / explaining herself, so don't expect anything there.
 Obviously I want contact. And what is available is low-level and screwy. So - don't let perfection be the enemy of adequate.
 Maybe a call about Gil.
 I'll need a phone. Get a phone and headset. Yes.
 Fri pm sleep ~10? Slept well, up ~6, then back to sleep till 8. Nice.
 Pangs of grief - just have to keep moving, breathing, walking talking working eating excreting etc.
 Blogging - or journaling - whatever this is.
 Just relax - don't do anything - get back into the life groove, and if I wanna reach out to Nan, Fred or anyone from that scene - wait till time is right.
 A chair leg is missing, I feel off-balance, let it happen.
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 Thu Feb 23.17 nm
  Almost 4 weeks since Gil died - adjustments and sorting out lifelong? Mainly remembering happy times, good memories, tour, Taylor St, hanging out in their condo - I've been warned by Sooz & such to expect waves of sadness. Currently still in - I dunno what - avoidance, duty. And..
 .. GFM (Go Fuck Me?) site reached goal - over $20K (thanks for Brad&G). I filled in page, posted to a few fb pages, and only got that done with supporting push from core group, text from Wynn & Kate - ; 100s of people, including many who can ill afford it, some who didn't know Gil - Mom, Lynn, Lo - have donated. Community came together in 20s and 100s. I somehow expected more of an affect once we made goal - that everything would be fine, Gil would come back from dead - but no. Don't miss what just happened. Network.
 Anyway - step back from it. Don't impinge in Stacey's privacy & grief, but also be there for her. Let balance work itself out.
 Tumblr IM's w/LR last night, more vib/vid talk - detailed description. That's a good balance, we both gain/enjoy/learn.
 Maybe now that GFM page reached goal - leave it up for future support as people learn about it, have means to donate in future -
 - now I can do taxes/donate Siouxie etc.
 In early Wed for global call - cinnamon roll on way home, BART 2 stations backward to get seat for whole ride - enjoying Gil's Bruford autobio - drive (it's cold!) to BB for berries, clam chowder dinner, 18 eggs (1 carton lasts <1 week).
 Sleep well - wake stretched out, solid in pillows, out of dream - thought for sure it was Saturday! - Thurs??? Work day??? Making goal was very important to me - felt I had responsibility to put word out, show gratitude, acknowledge donations publicly - not I can relax. Happy for Stacey. Can't imagine what she's feeling - she is hanging out with her women friends, that makes sense - on Gil's day, men went out to forage for take-out Chinese, women - Kate, Jennifer, Wynn - stayed with Stacey. It's a thing. It's understood.
 Okay. Now what? Now life goes on - ever changing - I need to daily remind myself to be here now, not 20 years ago to rose-tinted Taylor memories, not fearful imaginings of 20 years from now when supposedly I'll be old and alone etc. Fuck all that. Here. Now. Live life fully.
 Attention will drop away. Low key it.
 Tues pm back to Sushi-Ko - their closing night (they told me they were closing Tues when I ate there Mon pm) - they were emotional talkative, grateful to me - 3-4 of them stopped to talk to me, thank me, share - gift oysters, small sake bottle, ice cream dessert. Awww. Sad for them - out of job!?! After decades there. It was my comfort food, chicken udon, Food TV show home away from home. Bit uncomfortable going Tues night, knew there'd be sad attention - but also felt I ought to be present for a place/people - familiar faces - that added pleasure & value to my life for years.
 Okay. Back to work. Berk Rep Fri - first one of season, after missing 1st 3, mainly due to Gil stress.
 Eating good food - Green Bar at work.
 Get back on bike, and after-work walks.
 Change shirt every day? Been back in the grief-distracted 2-3 days; during winter maybe I can get away with it, but why bother.
 Saw Stacey's pics of coast trip w/group who was with us Gil's day - felt old lifelong "I wasn't invited." pang, but really - would I have wanted to go? Nah. They are her - and Gil's - friends. Don't intrude. Not about me. Be glad for her, and them.
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 Tue Feb 21.17 cottage am
 Mon for papers sorted, other cottage org. Drank most of bottle of sake throughout day. Glued heads in deities. Org book shelf. Papers into file box. Trimmed hair.
 ~5 downtown for Sushi-Ko - they are closing today!  Dragon roll, they gave me one large hot sake free, left $100 tip, in gratitude for years of enjoyment, $20 to chef, 1/2 priced book - raining -
 Home, 3 hits, bag  of jelly beans, watch 88 GT tour video - that was actually quite fun, it's been years, scat humor sometimes embarrassing, scanned through a couple of musical bits, at times story is interesting/compelling, a few times I had to stop & laugh - some funny stuff! - sleep ~10?
 Mom sent envelope for Stacey.
 Okay - cottage & yard (gravel beds) in better shape, papers organized - taxes, new registration for Siouxie so I can donate her -
 3 day weekend was helpful. Lost Gil, Sooz, and Sushi-Ko.
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 Mon Feb 20. 17 II home 1pm
 PBJ, glass of sake, hot shower, divided papers up: car insurance, car ownership, Siouxie papers, tax forms, letter from Mom, misc, AARP, etc. Also, pull plastic container from beneath bed for negatives, others into GT box, slide carousels & projector beneath be - or - in trunk to loan to Stacey. Or keep it out to photograph projected slide off wall.
 Feeling good. Rainy. Cold. Hot shower tried my best to own attraction to NB, starting with early Davis GT crush. I misunderstood, she never signaled interest beyond low level but intimate conversations friendship, if that; what I call "cock-teasing" is little different than attention needing/flirting I do that sometimes hints at more and leaves people feeling rejected and hurt (not only women, potential fiends I hide or have hidden from). So keep that in mind. What bothers me most in others are my own traits.
 So I was hurt. So what? Fuck it. Give her a call.
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 Mon Feb 20.17 nm
 Yes, well, if it was sunny maybe I'd do an easy 7 miles in Pt Reyes, but it's raining, yesterday & last night - cool - I dig it - trails will be soaked for months - look into trails that don't become mud traps.
 Sun Sat around a lot, some CWD - tumblr porn site/pics shares with LR; moved Siouxie, untied/removed Cammie rack from roof. What to do with it? Call Planned Parenthood for donation. Called Mom, she has books to give back to me, it gets awkward because I more or less know what's going on around my reaction to Gil's death, and maintaining, but it's so much on my mind I tend to go on about it - which she understands and it's cool. And what a blessing at 62 to be able to talk to Mom @93(?), get her advice, and share my life with her, ups-and-downs and all, snd she shares hers with me.
 Drove to WF for salad bar & sake, then to BB for eggs, bananas, jelly beans (for K), books to give/take books up street; lamp shade I thought I'd tossed still on front seat - good news! - taped it together.
 3 hirs cannabis, photoshop play, Sopranos clips on YouTube, my own fb videos: Game Theory live in Philly/Hoboken/Mendo waves etc - restless(?), up past midnight, sleep till ~7. Yummy smoothie. Good O w/L vid. Do that regularly, good to keep juices flowing/blood pumping. I'm only 62, if I live to 80 there will be many years with essentially no sex drive. Mentally prepare to accept that gracefully.
 When young man sex was answer to most pressing concern - demanding flesh stick - hunger that can't be denied - mental obsession - the rut - rites of fertility. Now: Survival; ideally in comfort - roof, warmth, food, companionship. Social Security is immediate answer, and whoa be unto him who touches it. Landscape if littered with the bodies etc...
 Reminder - best moment of my life, this breath - to have a life at all, and be able to enjoy it. There is no tomorrow, much less 10 or 20 years from now. get off it and live now.
 Just had an espresso & lox bagel.
 Sun pm dinner WF hot bar beans/rice/chicken, BB sushi box later. Shifting diet back to health-focus. Cut back on snacks, and get back to after-work walks asap. It's a plan.
 Game Theory rereleases not as much fun without Gil here. I don't foresee small future GT get-togethers, not with Shelley & I at odds, distance - Donnie in Nebraska (?) - when it gets down to it, I'm not that interested either - but we are at least in touch. Who knows? Miracle? Without those two - Scott & Gil - , you just have us satellites. It was a good run GT was, & I've lived to see GT records rereleased to some acclaim, my documentation - photos, board tapes, videos - valued; my Big Shot support/rehearsal workspace honored, shared pleasure with good friend Gil. And the music(!) I love, rediscovered. Dan V has not admitted live tapes he publicly disparaged are, for some people/reviewers, some of best stuff from re-releases. He wouldn't come to get them, look me in eye; Gil had to be go-between. WTF. Shelley's regrets that chicken farm Lolita Nation release party wasn't more of a reunion (I admit to petty schadenfreude); goes to show failure of that strategy. It failed and now it's too late. Get off the meth. No more fighting old battles (say it to myself first). But that also means that wire is dead. No messages to send through if we did connect.
 Gil's love/humor would have been glue/cushion to break tension at GT reunion party. That opp probably died with him? His memorial will be an opp to at least say hi, and maybe get a few photos. That will be interesting and hopefully not too intense. I was totally freaked out at Scott memorial - that was different - still in shock, father recently died - too many old faces from Davis scene. I fell to pieces.
 This will be different. Civilized. Shared grief. Polite hi & hug for Shelley & Donnette - that's all that's required - then - mingle.
 It's raining today. Not 10, 20, 30 years ago.
 I am GT archivist: live tapes, photos, videos. I play that role, & otherwise stay out of the way. Whatever they ask for, I deliver. If they choose recordings or photos I dislike, I say nothing. Decided early on not to be 'that guy'. Difficult. A meddler. I was/am easiest guy they work/ed with - based on a few war stories Gil shared. I think it would have been healing for DV to come get GT board tapes from me face-to-face, to soothe my pride after years of disparagement - Gil wouldn't say much, but from his lack of eye contact and body language, there was obviously some stuff going on I felt like, 'Why all the concern and dancing around his feelings, what about mine?' But in the end, I did the right thing. Of course.
 Okay - tap tap tap - pee, walk home, shift papers around, negatives in box, home for slide projector, glue heads on deities, get organized. Eat. Drink - I'm a bit dehydrated.
 Sitting here at Nomad 11am is good. Thank you. Grateful. I want this.
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 Sun Feb 19.17 nm
 Some glowing sun through clouds this morning, now overcast and sposed to rain all day - beginning to feel like it will; so, no S Rosa for sushi, nor Olampoli for fresh air and nature.
 Sat pm BB soup/bread, then front house for 2 episodes of Deadwood w/Buff, one hit off free dispensary joint. That worked! Great show!
 Slipped a little on mud patch near trash bins, shoveled slimy mud into bed/dump bucket of gravel on it. Caring for yard - especially! - being able to appreciate yard's beauty, a sign of a good mental space - this morning noted beauty/value, somewhat intellectually - days/months/years when I innocently revel in it, are good times. These are too. Don't hierarchy my life too much. Every breath is good. Even hard times.
 I'm generally gloomy ail the time - constantly try to bring myself up - it's over small things, not small to me tho - big ultimate thing to deal with is we're going to die, so how should we live?. I think that's what religion is about, and maybe that's of interest - tho terrifying damned to burn for all eternity child-murdering enemy raping/slaughtering war God human sacrifice Jesus mythos is probably not gonna fly.
 Shit, at his heart maybe Hitler was a Christian, but you have to ignore all his crimes; religion, ignore all our crimes and corruption, and focus on our core message of love. Yes, but... too much baggage, too many things to ignore.
 How about for next read - The Bible? Might be cool. Youthful memories - references in our culture etc.
 Lots  - at least 40 - of armed robberies in South Berkeley - recently on my walk to BART, Woolsey & Shattuck - that dark block: a.) Leave important papers home, b.) cards/phone/camera hidden hidden on body, c.) decoy wallet with BART/library card and $100(?). Point is - don't carry important papers - auto insurance/tax forms on my shoulder hippie bag, and maybe carry credit cards etc somewhere else on body. Good idea.
 Difficulty connecting with people at moment - grief and tenderness, sensitive, fearful - hard to tell - I'm withdrawn into myself a bit as I process loss of Gil: he really isn't ever coming back, I may not be following soon after - Appeal of Scott/Gil/Robert Death Triptych Mythos - ; I could be around for a long time, there could be decades for all I know - will I make 82 like Buff has, why not? But melodramatic defining my life based on loss of loved ones is not wise - yesterday I had a seeing my life as 'Before Gil/After Gil'. No. It's: Born, Live, Die. That's the ticket. The living part is what matters. It is not heartless to move on with my life - Gil did not ask me to mourn him (we mourned while he was alive); he asked us to look after Stacey. I've raised ~$25K for her - not bad! - and I was there for him. My healing will take place organically, I needn't form a cult or make a burnt offering, nor suffer survivor's guilt.
 I'm checking to make sure I did my duty to him. Okay - that's worthy. But also be easy on myself, no self-aggrandizing for doing it. Doing one's duty is required, doesn't need praise. Okay? Okay. Middle child, I want a lot of attention, it is who I am, can't help that, so don't punish myself for wanting attention for this. It's cool. I'm doing fine. Note - however - to calm that hunger - that a small handful of people who matter, know. They know because they were there, or cared, or whatever. I don't need to draw attention to myself. It's all cool.
 This 'over-thinking' is how I cope with life.
 Missing him is not required, it is a given. In the long run I'll be a better person. Lessons are; painful, nothing new.
 Yeah yeah - to future Robert if I ever read this years from now - I know it's good. That's want this blog is for, to let my 'over-active' mind unwind, spew it out, look for anything important, neurotic repetitions/redundancies to look into further. I know what I'm doing here.
 Sat yesterday was pretty good, I made a list, got it all done, household stuff like lamp/welcome mat, gravel, food from BB, taped up headlight casing, ate good food, evening with Buff Deadwood and pot - excellent! Maybe too soon for Eric visit - next week may be better, more time to get my head on straight, less withdrawn.
 My mind keeps going to alcohol - why not have shots of Brandy/sake around, something to do? - something to ease discomfort. What's ache/weakness in left elbow? Knees? yes - it's grief, and what I need to do is keep walking through it. It's a metaphor for continuing to live and love after others have died. Alright? Alright.
 It's a first for me, I know people have whole families die on them, Eric's Dad, Gil's parents, Karen's bf, Dad's brother, etc etc etc. Endless - in my life and in history. It would be good to have the wisdom to know that, grasp it, so I don't have to be surprised every time. Some still center of love that is not affected, not because it's cold/unfeeling in a selfish way, or maybe just so. But something solid. What some people look to religion for, and for me ocean and nature.
 Kay - done here.
 Today: get food for tomorrow/President's Day. Sort paperwork. Look into donating Siouxie to Planned Parenthood. Org cottage. Get life together. Call Mom?
 11:30am
 Grateful for job, cottage, yard, friends, housemates, savings, mental health, physical health, car, photoshop/visual play, music, reading, neighborhood, friendship with mother, settled relationship with father, teeth fixed, respect and responsibilities at work - esp photography and training, Nomad cafe, Starry Plough, sobriety, lack of major debilitating vices. Note - mental/physical health - Attention - that comes from eating a healthy diet.
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 Sat Feb 18.17 home pm
 Mid-east WF salad bar lunch, Ashby lumber for doormat, glue (for deity heads), 2 bags of gravel - for backyard slippery mud; Urban Ore for $15 lamp (turned out to be sucky weak Ikea lamp); Asian Hardware for bathroom tile cleaner, clear weather proof tape from front headlight plastic someone busted for no reason; BB for food, salad, chicken/ride, soup, jelly beans (for Karen!).
 At home dumped gravel in yard, shoveled mud, taped headlight, ate chicken/rice. Buff bachelor tonight, heading in shortly to smoke pot watch Deadwood.
 Still lots to do - but a good start.
 Feeling depressed this afternoon - as I get back into normal life groove, the depression is more apparent. watch where I go - like with Scott, it e.g., affects my concentration while driving - just be careful.
 Work is going very well - much happier without Taf - more engaged with other CSS people. Feel secure.
 Anything can happen to anyone. It's good to be prepared.
 Shelley reappeared as fb friend. Good.
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 Sat Feb 18.17 nm
 Ok - here we go - a day with no plans, but plenty to do
 Cottage doormat, organize tax papers, organize car papers. Collect things to send to UK - papers for K. Clean cupboard pot shelf. Pile of cameras and crap under book shelf - do something! Find a home for slide projector/slide boxes I no longer need - unless to project/shoot put together filmed slideshow? Other things will come to me. I have a box of solar-powered blue lights to string somewhere.
 Lots of rain - storming in LA - so no hikes.
 I am isolated - it frightens me - don't like to hike alone, don't like to watch movies alone - doing things alone, it sends the signal that I'm a loser reject. Except, according to mom, I've always been this way. Combination of things. Anyway, I feel pretty happy. I'm doing something right. Start by loving myself unconditionally, then work on rest - but start from a point of self-love.
 Don't worry about retirement, or 10 years from now - I have this second, this breath, this day, maybe. I woke up in my comfortable bed which I built, made a smoothie of berries, fruit, eggs, hemp milk, magic green powder. Not on meds of any sort. No gambling, alcohol or tobacco.
 If you get 2 months:
 Quit your job immediately
 Let everyone know
 Make amends
 Be healthy
 Distribute cash and property
 Bad news, he didn't want to die - it makes me sad - "I'm too young to die!" That was years ago - I keep thinking 7 years - yes, 2001 diagnosed & treated for prostate, joined Rain Parade, bone prognosis 2013, quit RP 2014. He wanted to make 60.
 Things like paying co-pay day in emergency room for vertigo/nausea, that sent a message to Gil, and Stacey - you are not alone, someone is looking after you, when your lives are falling apart, someone is helping take care of small things; when you are gone, someone will be looking after your widow. It wasn't about money, it was about love and caring and willingness to act. You need me to take day off work and come over? Be right there.
 Ah, then there's whole big world out here/there - don't wallow in hole, there's nothing here - what comes out of it is renewed connections, fresh viewpoints, strength, resilience, appreciation, etc. Well, one can hope.
 We were lucky - ironically - ; for years, months, esp in weeks after 1-2 months diagnosis, unknown was oppressive: will we get call he has died (of a heart attack?) middle of night, or wind up in a hospital hooked up to machines and tubes for a long time? Going fast, with time for loved ones to get there, be present & supportive for he & Stacey - that was fortunate. WTF. Such a gift. There was no question, happened organically, we left what we were doing and came; palliative care nurse Jennifer's presence was invaluable - unimaginable without her, for her experience, calm, friendship/support for Stacey.
 I'm thinking about Sat - Sun?, before the Tues he died. I visited, we moved furniture around, he was out of it, irritable, I was trying to stay out of the way, not complicate things - just be there. Made him laugh with can of vegetable and 'penis' soup. Last gentle hug, kiss on head, he was drugged up, but always seemed coherent.
 But - dissecting ever last minute, day, week is not helpful. Really. It was part of a 33-yr friendship - overlapping large chunks of both our lives. Bands, marriage, divorces, collaborations, shared housing, Twin Peaks, pot and movies/TV/music. Ups and downs.
 So let it be all of it, not just his illness/death. There were 7 years when he was ill, we still had our friendship, movies, sushi, a couple of Nicasio BBQ shows - Asleep at the Wheel, that Austin trio - , good times.
 This thing - Gil's death's impact - is not end of world. Huge hit for Stacey. Be available for her - and it will help me, hopefully both of us, to meet and chat and be supportive. Shared grieving. Death is not to be defined, nor comprehended, understood - losing a friend is just a negative - there's no good in it, don't go looking for it. Yeah - I'll learn to take my lashing and like it - , but in the end it makes me and my world colder. Look - this is why people get spiritual - not to take only lessons of coldness from death.
 "Death...the opposite is desire. So do you wonder?"
 But desire brought her to disgrace and ruin. Lesson - do not use death/s to excuse abusing myself or those around me; answer is not to indulge in hedonism, use my friends and acquaintances for hedonism and pornographic pleasures - find vitality in nature, physical exertion, healthy food and good wholesome company and activities. Right? Right.
 Get right.
 Get some sushi-ko.
 A little brandy in the cottage - why not?
 Tidy front yard a bit?
 Peanut butter jam sandwiches as snacks? At work?
 Home now for mid-eastern WF salad bar & coconut.
 $70 at WF last night - for deodorant toothpaste, berries, pudding, eggs - yikes.
 Gil's death - shock/pain/attention will fade and I can go back to my quiet life.
 Let it happen. I can't control it. Breath.
 Rice and fish around cottage. Use the rice cooker.
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 Fri Feb 17.17 home rain 
 Drove cammy to WF for berries, eggs bread pudding etc.
 I've lost someone I got high, drank beer, sake, sushi with. Such a rich history, Game Theory, video, photos, Taylor, music, videos, yard - cats - Stacey Scott - Karen - then me in cottage them in condo - he helped me keep up in Shelley, was our contact - we talked about everything - it was a big deal, almost a minor betrayal when I held back some k/A UK info for a year - when I told them Stacey said "Well!".
 Looked at alcohol #WF, beer? Sake? Wine? Cognac? Nah - alcohol is what I don't need.
 I'm more messed up about this than I realize, getting better, work is okay - took pics with new camera at lunchtime alumni talk, person who asked for them loved them - start taking pics at all events - it's a good gig, I like it, will learn camera, keeps me employed - plus, yes, learning camera is a good skill, and who know? Maybe personal fun...
 Anyway - yes, no more sushi with G&S... bummer.
 Fill the hole with love and light. Fill it with nothing. Replace it with nothing. Move on. Live.
 we'll see...
 Reading Gil's prog drummer Bruford autobio - fun..
 Gil & Scott were Game Theory - serious talents - pros - I was photographer, sometimes driver, 5th Beatle, always there - some good work, some bad - did my best. We were - something - that Starry Plough pic of 3 of us - history - Davis, Big Shot, tours, video, Taylor - album covers - drums - songs.  Bam - boom - gone. Fucking gloomy - have to do something about that. Bummer if it's always so sad, and we can't enjoy the great music. Scott 53. Gil 60. Okay - sad - young. But they left great music.
 Now what?
 Shelley blocked me on fb. I recently unblocked a few people, including Boona, artist girl offended by lady boy pics/complained to Gil. Friended Shelley & Chris - a small step. Maybe it's too painful and she doesn't want to see GT photos? Because I said on GoFundMe Taylor were some of the best days of our lives? Doesn't want me tagging her? No idea. Don't assume. None of my business. I have defenses up. Tear them down. Forgive myself. Let it go. Let go. It has nothing to do with me now.
 Let go of Dad, LRY, High School, street life, Davis, car life, Big Shot photo lab, marriage.
 Hang into life - Mom, Karen, Eric, visit Marge & John, Lo.
 Well, this is going nowhere - gonna take time - I'm eating like a pig  - eating good greens/veggies/fish/fruit - then tons of snacks - knock it off - back on health food wagon. Days getting longer - walk over hills after work - fun! Get back in shape. I have been staying around town after Gil went into hospice - to be near in case they needed me. Been a while since ocean, redwoods, Eric etc.
 2nd week of April is in 2 months - start making plans.
 Do taxes.
 Donate Siouxie to Planned Parenthood.
 Things to do.
 3-day weekend. Nice.
 Lots and lots of rain.
 Body aches - left elbow, sometimes knees, ankles - usually come and go - I suspect it's grief/stress related.
 Been eating boxes of cookies - I feel best when I'm not overweight, can get out more, more energy.
 Made the two videos to promote I Am Atomic Man - I know they sucked, but at least I tried.
 So Apr 2013, Scott dies. Then Dad. Then Jan 2017 Gil dies - not quite 4 years after Scott. I hope fate isn't going to get poetic on me and go for all three. That's to make too much out of us three. We did represent a thing, Gil & my love and dedication to Scott. So, I can still act on it - giving my photos to the GT rereleases. Anyway. How 'bout letting me keep some male friends. They are so important and valuable.
+++++
 Thu Feb 16.16 nm
 Rain, lots of it last night - Wed in early to get to video edit/photo/training - , tired last night, sleep ~9:30, woke ~6:30 -
 Lots of cookies - really need to get on the path of no/few carbs, more veggies - maybe part of solution is to bring healthy/veggie snacks to work. Carrots? Apple? Eat apples.
 Anyway - video, training, photo all went well - I enjoyed them and got them done. worked well with everyone. Cool.
 3-day weekend coming up - coast? Eric? Marge & John? Get paper work  - car insurance, Siouxie paperwork, taxes - sorted out.
+++++
 Wed Feb 15.17 nm
 Woke up feeling 'good' this morning - most natural and 'happy' I've felt in months - since we got the 1-2-month hospice prediction. Hop out of bed, feeling rested, ready to move, smoothies, Nomad.
 Gil's last months, that when I became my father - setting aside unimportant neurosis and personal stuff vendettas to be completely present and available for Gil & Stacey's needs. Cold on the surface, generous with financial aid & time. And of course making wise statements - "He's more alive in us now than he is in that clay." "The best thing a friend can hope for is to be able to help a friend." - spreading the news, and writing details to share. Newspaper man. I was more stable and present - at least, I seemed so to myself - than I thought possible. During the most important days of his life, I did not fail. So, that's reassuring.
 Espresso & buttered bagel.
 I'm eating a lot! Snacking all day at work on peanuts, cereal, etc. Get on track - not with negative restrictions, but with positive attitude and outlook.
 Getting close to 20K for Stacey - True West's Russ T gave 500, Rain Parade's John Thoma gave 250 - I wept and sent picture of him shaking hands good-bye with Gil @Aug 2014 Brick & Mortar gig.
 LR sent nice note in Valentine Day.
 Not a peep from LndyD - dunno - I'm supposing she may have read this blog, decided she wanted out, it wasn't enough. We talked it through weeks ago, she said she wanted what I was offering, but peps are allowed to change their minds.
 As I talk to others, and their family and other personal pain sorrow tragedies isolation illness death of friends family come up I know I know I get it - but when yr feeling yr own - well, it makes me aware of how others' pain looks to me - sincere but distant concern from me - so yeah, they know I'm hurting, but they can't et under my skin to feel it, nor should they, nor should I try to explain. Just say, it's tough, thanks for asking. Yeah.
 Learning. Leaning on cultural norms.
 Tue work busy w/video editing/couple of complex theme jobs, 1 other - was concerned about ability to deal with pressure and focus, but aside from annoyance with one client who sent same theme back ~5-6x, got it done okay, helped people, answered questions. Manager who offered me her cam lens to shoot Partner/Mgr portraits, I had said 'no thanks', then emailed Mon explained had family emergency, couldn't focus, so yes please may I borrow the lens for get shallower depth of field. Awkward situation - how much to say? - I did the best I could. It's fine - I mean, I did okay in circumstances.
 Up early, in early to get video done, afternoon photo/train expert VP 2-4. Lv 5:30 - days getting longer, warmer, yard beginning to bloom, tree in back blossoming white petals.
 It makes me sad Gil dying, being sick for so long, seeing people missing him, having regrets. Say what I have to say to everyone I have something to say to. Avoid avoidable regrets. Plus, it is right thing to do. Avoid pain to get me moving, but doing right thing for right reason fundamentally satisfying.
 Okay. Work. Check in w/Stacey. Call Marge & John. Talk to Jeff @work about 2017 vacation days. Do taxes. Visit Eric, have sushi.
 I'm okay. My tasks are few. As you get bolder and start to really appreciate yr old friends, losing two is no fun. But Sooz called last night at work and we did quick catch-up, that worked fine. So yes - Tuesday night calls. Let it - if it decides to - evolve on its own.
+++++
 Mon Feb 13.17 nm
 "You know our friend fought a tough battle before his body gave in to injury. His goofy, happy, loving uplifting soul lives on. If you met him, not knew him, just met him. He treated you like he knew you. I just needed to say it to one who knows."
 Sun After laundry/Subway sandwich, hung in bed, party in front house, ~4:30 two children in yard, finding pennies in gravel, Buff calls out to come in and have chili. Stepping out, cautiously to not frighten children, who turn out to be Lisa Chvez's - I don't recognize her at first - saw her last ~1992(?) at Taylor, then ~8yrs ago at Hobbit Beer making in Fairview backyard. So really, last time she was ~18 and I was ~39? We shared war stories, parent relations, Scott/Gil - diff  between good and not so good deaths, and good things that can come of them, important things to learn. DJ showed her Frida/gun and Patti/Frida on internet. Good to reconnect with someone from - Game Theory days really - sis Felecia worked with Shelley at Albany Sauna ~1989(?), Felecia modeled, met family, Lisa ~12? After divorce & Dad left called it Estrogen Manor. Came to our parties - part of our network - drunk over there a few times during last out of control late 30s years in unhappy marriage/job etc. Shot Flea seems like quite a few times - one of those "(unspoken) I know we don't get along great, but (spoken) I need you for these ideas.", usually for body/sexy pics where model has to be vain and want to expose her body/part, pose Bettie Page style sexy), and she'd do it for her own reasons. Cool. Some of those times may have been based on my sexual desire, but I always tried to do good photos, even if they were sexy photos. I had ideas. Never lied someone into posing nude when all I really wanted was to see them naked.
 Lisa & I 2x shot some 'modeling' style pics. Some awkwardness during my post-divorce mid-life crisis; she was cute, smart, partying etc. That was 20 years ago, another life.
 Now it's cool and healing to find my and DJ/Buff networks overlapping. She looks great, more like her mom, fun to talk to - always was - , two lovely children, chasing each other around the backyard paths while she & I catch up about what's happened in last eight years, just like adults. And sordid past of divorce/drugs/bad scenes not forgotten, but accepted as just life; and if we lived through them, evolved, learned - then all good.
 Told her to say 'hi' to her sister for me.
 Oroville dam weak, overflowing, 100,000 evacuate.
 Hang a bit after w/DJ/Buff, Tigress (?) dancer - eggnog, 2 bowls of chili. When people invite you to come over, come over. Even if it's awkward and I never get invited again, it's better than staying at home and never taking chances. And now, it's a necessity. Accept offers of friendship. Accept help.
 Karen's point is - if I ever needed to ask someone for help, Sooz & G&S were two friends I could count on. Losing G&Sooz - just reminds me how alone and vulnerable we humans all are. Be strong. Have contingency plans. Look into trailer parks in Ft Bragg. Keep in my heart empathy for Mom and all others who have lost dear ones. Don't be depressed and morbid, but also don't be empty-headed.
 Eating good healthy food and walking around SF and parks for exercise are both good. Maybe a good bike? See if I can fit bike into trunk. Clean out Cammie trunk. Donate Siouxie to some liberal cause like Planned Parenthood.
 Get moving. Check in w/Stacey, but also get on with my life.
 Come in, say hi, visit - don't crowd, or insert myself, be careful to be respectful with women, my inclination to ask for nudes may be honest and even sincerely out-of-the-box artistic, but it's still a trigger for most women. Consider that.
 Cell phone with facetime for K&Xo?
 Still sinking in - gonna take along time to know what it is that Gil is dead. For however long I live, Gil is not here. I saw him go, got to help, had personal strength to help - I was scared, what if I couldn't deal and stayed away? - , was able to give last love from Karen & I, say goodbye. I keep thinking about positives to keep away the pain. But negatives - deal with them, too. I will miss him as long as I live. It hurts in places I can't quite see.
 Back to work.
+++++
 Sun Feb 12.17 II home bed 3:30
 At home heated up BB chicken/noodles, called mom, I caught myself rambling, bringing subject back to me/Gil's death - self-centered as I am, even more so about this big event. I will do best I can, but it is about me, and that's okay - for each individual it is about their loss. Just don't expect, demand or swindle extra attention for it. We all got our problems. Suck it up. Help Stacey. Take care of my mental health.  Don't drink. Visit friends. Connect to family.
 Did laundry, lunch at Subway.
 Now I'm alone today, feeling sad, a little scared about whole "being alone and old" thing. S'okay - feel my feelings. Life can be hard - alone or not. Have to take care of oneself. Prob not gonna go into front house party - not feeling very social - need to get in touch with these feelings and process, learn, accept. It's normal.
 And.. ? Rest. Eat good food. Take care of myself.
 Point is, it's okay for life to be hard, and sad. Should expect nothing else. Look at all people in much more difficult situations than mine. I have roof, friends, food, job, health. Focus on positive. Learn how to get through. I can do this. As Mom said "It sucks!" - but there's lots to enjoy.
+++++
 Sun Feb 12.17 nm 11am
 Too eventful to get even a small amount down -
 Sat shower, breakfast heated up BB chicken noodle bowl, to Monique & Dominique, Julia and Francesca's (now teens who will converse with me) house to hang w/K, to 4th St press to drop keys etc, back at Dom/Mon's take snaps in their apt in progress, great place to shoot nudes if situation arises! - walk to breakfast place in West Berk, steak & eggs, share bites K's pancakes & my potatoes - walk back with Dom while K&M drive. Visitor Chris drops by to day hi, K packs, talk, gave Mon bar of Filthy Cock soap. Printed gifts from Mon & K, Monopoly and other stuff for me to mail to UK.
 K&I big hug, I love you's, don't go, please stay! Understood argument about Frida/gun pic was situational, missing each other's point, emotional about Gil, her sick, us both tired etc. No problem, maybe good for me to feel she now understands, for her to understand me, and to have talked it through.
 Lv for Oak airport ~3:30 - heavy traffic on 80, light as expected on 880, we make it fine, drop he off, park, run in meet, she's getting sicker and feeling crappy, meds at airport store, cognac at airport bar. Hugs, goodbyes, love you's, take care of yourself from her -
 (she seemed concerned, esp. about my isolation with Gil&Sooz gone, and  - yes - I should take concrete steps to get out more etc. Maybe volunteer somewhere? Don't assume rest of my life will be lonely and alone etc. Don't overdo the 'well, I'm a introvert' give-up. Be friends with those who would have me as a friend. Etc.)
 - beautiful weather,, finally after week of overcast cold & rain - Sooz's car runs great and is more comfy, better than Siouxie, made day go more smoothly. It was good to have talked about abandonment issues the night before - difficulty for me of her leaving, in light of losing G&Sooz.
 Anyway, we had time to talk about lots, including her & my friendship, calling each other best friends and what those words mean.
 So good - a last day with lots of time in each other's presence, alone time to talk, play (photos), check-in etc. Last weekend we spent time together she jetlagged, me distracted by Gil's recent death/Stacey support/my own grieving, Sooz's departure, new car - so visit, quarrel, Sat breakfast/drive to airport, chat at airport etc. Good.
 We meant to smoke Gil's last cig together, but since she was sick, said take it to UK and smoke it there.
 Wish we'd had more time, she said she cried about Gil for 2 days, I did not have time enough to hear her out about her Gil grief. I'm sure it's okay - but maybe a Skype soon?
 Call Sooz - she doesn't like email - call. Even from work? Tuesday night.
 Drive home easy - smoke ~5 cigs, sushi box, sleep ~9:30 for ~11hrs. Ants on my rag -gah!
 Today: Small load of laundry - bed clothes?
 Week before Gil died: Tues leave work to spend day in emergency room with G&S. Days of heavy rains, roof leaking heavily into my bed, shorted out multi-plug - danger! - , caused tension with DJ/Buff, I said this has to be dealt with now - prioritize! - , my best friend is dying of bone cancer, an electrical fire could kill me (I didn't say that but assumed it was obvious) and I can't deal with a leaking roof now. "All I want to hear is you understand the New Normal is that Robert doesn't get rained on, and this (pointing at wet bed covered with soaked towels) is intolerable!" He understood.
 Last 3 weeks since Gil died Tues Jan 24:
 
No work for 4 days;
 Sat
Jan 29 lunch with Stacey discuss her $ needs, write check, agree to GoFundMe site; I think that was day man came to put goop on skylight for $250, Buff said I could help pay if I wanted, I did not respond.
 Sun Jan 30
tears, bottle of sake, most of Gil's last pack of cigarettes;
 Over week multiple visits with Sooz for goodbyes' car handover she leaves Wed Feb 1. One last short visit Tues pm, she gives me bottle of expensive tequila - one small glass/night, one of Gil's valiums/night. Careful. Sleep well. No cannabis.
 My world is a little smaller, accepting that people leave and you keep putting one foot in front of the other, is part of growing up. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. People get strongest at broken places. This is normal. Live through it.
 Poor Gil died young - 60 is not old. (remember this, I'm 62, vital and healthy - don't put weight of Old tag on myself). But he lived to see himself loved, acclaimed, applauded and honored both as person, worker and musician. He died surrounded by people who loved him who he loved. For me - He & I got to exchange words of love - from both I & Karen - on his death bed, hours before he died with my hand in his leg. Much comfort in that. My last words to him, "Gil, it's Robert. I'm going to let the nurse in. I love you!" Robert is here. He's bringing a nurse.  Words of comfort. Anything you want to give to a friend, has to happen while they are alive. I did not sense any life in him in hours after he died, as his body got cold, I felt fear.
 Okay - I wouldn't mind a few days/weeks of quiet now.
 Leaky roof tension
 Day in emergency room
 New car from Sooz
 Gil dies
 Set up GoFundMe page
 Sooz Leaves
 Karen visits.
 Today. Be here now.
+++++
 Sat Feb 11.17 nm
 Talked w/K on phone for ~20mins last night and got clear on the trouble - he exasperation comes across to me as I'm doing something wrong, not making $$ off this, invalidating my reasons for not gambling time/$$ on a venture likely as not to fail or barely break even. Adding to that timing that's she's leaving and I want to see her but too pissed. Urgh.
 Feeling better, trouble getting to sleep, all tense and withdrawn - felt like I was gonna make myself sick, morbid thoughts, normal in circumstances, but don't wanna go there overmuch - worked on feeling my whole body experiencing the world - maybe slept ~3-7? Enough to get by. I can tell I'm still tense and emotional.
 IM'd w/K this morning - fine - abandonment issues: Gil dies, Sooz leaves, K leaving today. After that I can deal with Gil's death more. It could be way way worse I know, still this is upsetting: I'm sad she's going, that Gil died, and Sooz left town.
 Okay - let it work itself out. It's not the end of the world.
 Work fun & good, training, helping clients in dept in real-time, quick support scanning passport style pics to specific size, running to people's desks, bringing old CDs of offsite movies to Alumni girl, taking photos, supporting fresh-hire with no company experience - paying special attention - good for him, for company and my reputation. Got facepages done after 6-week break, talked to Recruiting about training issues - my vacation fits nicely between 2 sets of hires, but LA is wild card, uncertain if question of my not being able to do 1-day LA trips is 100% settled. I am prepared to make my case, and all day long I prove my dedication and status as high-value Human Resource. Oughta be fine.
 Have a few things to do: taxes, State for last year, set up power of attorney (?), random list of learning, new work camera, have a few ideas for training pages - placing labels, org charts, etc. Visit Eric next week?
 Made a 4-calendar page for years planned PTOs - WV visit in April, 4-day WEF weekend, 9 days Jun/Jul to Oregon, and 4-day Jazz/Blues weekend. Want to sit down w/dept Mgr J and see what is up, because I'm not sure, and uncertainty is no good. Bring upfront, understanding, flexible is best. Not being able, or being pressured not to take vacations for another year is not okay. They let me take them last year, it was mostly Taf's unexpected departure that screwed up my WV plans. Anticipate they will work with me. Anticipate friendliness. Anticipate cooperation.
 I'm good. It's good. Pain of change is normal. At my age, pain of losing friends is normal. Life is good.
 K - espresso, shower, drive K to airport ~2pm? 10:09am now.
+++++
 Fri Feb 10.17 home 6:40pm
 Bad timing to be sore, angry about an argument - showing Frida gun etc to Dom/Dom daughter, K brought up $ could be made, I pushed back, so we argued, and what it sounded ultimately like - as that particular argument always does, is I'm a failure - because I feel how I do and don't think odds are good that lots of $$ was in offing. So she mentioned I wouldn't have got anything at all without help of her friends (debatable), then brings angrily (if it sounds like, looks like, feels like anger...) Blue into it - wants to hit me in the face over and over.
 Um, a) - don't be so aggressive about it in front of your friends, b) It's a sensitive subject to bring up at all and c.) my best fiends died of bone cancer a couple weeks ago after years of suffering and it's not a good time to be attacking me, letting me know you see me as a loser. Like Kristine did with Scott. Yes.
 Apparently she has no clue why I might be upset. Understandable, she tired, jet lagged, high pressure life right now etc. But come on - apologize please. At least show some understanding.
 So what to do? After work, drove to BB for berries/dinner, & next door Walmart looking unsuccessfully for a new doormat. K's IM'ing saying they could use a lift, or can Uber, am I okay? No, I'm not. Maybe a cigarette would help. I'm feeling how I do when she brings up K as victim of S's emotional distance: he was my fucking friend and he committed suicide, radioactive, don't go there. I get into a 'fuck off' mood around that stuff, understandably, as she does with Ant.
 I think she was mean and insulting, bringing Blue into it was a unnecessary mistake. Sensitive esp right now - yes. Bad timing, since this is her last night and I was planning to drive her to Oak airport tomorrow. Anyway, I saw her last night, and Tuesday, and over the weekend - so one missed night is no big deal, it'll be good for her to have time with her friends. I don't want to go, is bottom line, and I'm angry, so there's not point in hanging out and being uncomfortable.
 See how I feel tomorrow. Don't add pressure of this being "the last night" - have a night alone - maybe I also just need some time alone, to deal with Gil's death, I have not really done that, having spent a week or so focused on Stacey, then this last week focused on Karen - yes, yesterday I was beginning to feel loss of Gil more directly, then this bullshit came up last night, reminded me of bad times, insults, fear of failure, pressure to do things I don't think I can do, don't really care to do, don't have time or skills to do - discomfort and anger.
 Having that fight in front of her friend made it - more painful.
 Just IM'd K a couple sentences about how I'm feeling. See what happens. Her phone dying, may not see it till later. Have a smoke, that may help. And having said something. Been angry about it all day - actually, I was pretty angry about it when I left D&D's last night. So 24hr anger. Been trying to let go. Ready now?
 I am ready to - I need to deal with the loss of Gil. And Suzanne. Sigh.
+++++
 Thurs Feb 9.17 nm
 That Plough photo of Gi, Scott & I from 3mos before Scott's suicide - Feb 2013 - Karen came into town, after work my street was blocked by police action, I was fucking exhausted, needed nap, taxied to Dom/Dom's where K was staying, dinner, taxied back but stopped in Plough at midnight to say hi, take pics, hear talk of a Game Theory album with Gil, Corner Laughers bassist Khoi, Joe/Sue producing, my photos - oiled gears slid into motion.
 They were my artistic collaborators - my playmates - art is my play - With Scott photos, but he also took some of my musical advice, seemed to be excited when I gave it, even when it was 'wrong', thank you for that Scott - ; and Gil, photos, we did Shiny Wet Parts music, drawings made into videos - OJ! - , live action videos, edited '88 tour video together stoned out of our minds yet it came out okay he saw me do my weird gyrating tilted in space button punching to time edits to perfection, yet it came out good. Of course it did. Those 2 played with me.
 In my adult life I make up for my isolated youth. That's my excuse anyway - we all suppress things when we are young: violence, theft, rudeness, sex - as adults we do the things we didn't do when we were young: violence, theft, rudeness, sex.
 Point is - they were my friends - and collaborators, and playmates. There's no one else like them, no friend I can look back on and say - here is an artistic product/project we created together. There are good friends with whom intimacies are shared, movies are watched, music festivals are attended, drives are driven, beaches explored, difficult times supported, meals eaten, living space shared, alcohol consumed, good advice given, secrets kept safe, place to sleep offered - those are as important - but the people who valued my artistic/creative strengths and wanted to work with me, use that - well, what a gift to me. Lucky bastard. Now that is over -
 - as my youth goes, maybe the creative collaboration would have was fading anyway. But those two.. well, good-bye, thank you, we were a creative team for a moment I see that photo and see a core of dedicated love for Game Theory/Scott. Other musicians came and went then lost touch - Gil & I loved Scott and never lost touch - until the last years when he was isolated in his marriage.

 Anyway - okay - Wed - didn't see Karen.
 Tues in-out early ~4pm, home, picked K up from Richmond, re-explored book artists' tables, brought her sushi, call Stacey, hang with Dexter, 99 Ranch for Hong Kong dinner including jook (rice porridge w/white fish & white pepper - etc yum!!). I try to hang back, keep quiet, let girls do girl-talk and have quality K*S time; if Gil was there we'd have done guy-talk. I walked solo behind. That's cool. Karen crashing from jet-lag/work. Drop her off Doms' ~9:30.
 Couple trainings to day at work - 1st since Gil died - been 2 weeks? He knew he was gonna die and all he asked for was no pain and for us to take care of Stacey. The GoFundMe jumped from 15K Fri to almost 17 yesterday. Nice.
 Long'ish art IM's with Tessa last week, Wed. Some about erotica but smart and organic. Cool. We share about pieces, find source, exchange art info. Fun.
 I have not really sat down with myself and explored what this all means to me on a daily basis. Been distracting with work and Stacey's GoFundMe. What Gil wanted.
 But what does it mean to me, to lose my fiend Gil, and also Sooz moving to Oregon - 14hr drive - no more weekly visits, talk and Cheeto. Karen mentioned it briefly Tues pm - she was concerned, who do I have left nearby? Buff& DJ. Eric in Santa Rosa. Stacey. Tom. Those are emergency folks - good to have them near. But Sooz & Gil I saw regularly, now gone.
 I may want/need to take steps to avoid negative impact of isolation. But what? It may be I'll organically be sending out shoots to other people, more time for others I get along with, organically instinctively not be overbearing or needy. Online friends from Davis Days - LR, LD etc. Nan?
 Thing is, to acknowledge loss, honor empty space, not pretend it doesn't hurt, make me feel more lonely, vulnerable etc. Open my mind to it -  be positive - look for positive steps to take going forward - but acknowledge the loss. It is major and painful.
 Okay - 8:42 - home for work prep soon.
+++++
 Mon Feb 6.17 nm
 Sun up ~8, Nomad - Karen/Dom's ~10:30 - hungry - I can usually get away with a smoothie, then snacks at work till 2pm, but need more current circumstance, Gil grief and K in town. On way to Richmond book fair we pull off at Solano, breakfast place near top, really good breakfast, more time to chat about both our lives, look at her photos of Art friends, easy drive & park to Richmond book event she is photographing, overcast, sea birds squawking, amazing view of SF! I hang for an hour, walk through all the art book publisher aisles 2x, have coffee, but feeling like I need to get back to bed. Partially because LD's Sat night calls stressed me, made me lose sleep - need to consider if that deal worth it. Fel sad, want to hang with K for hours, but queasy ill body feeling says get home, to bed.
 So home, to bed, ~6 gonna walk to BB, but WTF drive, 1 minute later downpour, so driving is good. Sushi, berries, jelly beans pudding etc.
 Had talked a bout picking up K ~8:30, or coming over for soup, but she had ride home and was wiped out, and I didn't mind staying in, tho I always want to take advantage of times to see her.
 Weekend was so broke up: Nap after work Fri then dinner at Dom&Doms - Sat pick up K, Rockridge AAA/DMV Sooz's car, 4th St Mac Store, Mexican lunch, browse stores, - something else - evening, hang at Dom&Dom just K&me for a couple hours catching up; Sun drive her to book show, hang. we may not see each other again, not alone anyway, but we did have several times, which we/she did on purpose. So good. Thank you Karen, in spite of exhaustion, for making time for me.
 Drive last night in rain, or super early this morning for 5min drive to campus would have been silly, not really quality time. Maybe an hour or so after work this week, to see Stacey? Just see if it can be made to happen. But maybe it can't.
 Found some cool Ex Libris erotica Sun, shared with a few Art friends who like erotica.
 Couple macro jelly bean and abalone selfies to certain friends.
 Evening, after picking up/visiting K was called off for rain, alternative ride & exhaustion: pot, light show, youtube history of Godfather, bucket of pudding & whole bag of jelly beans.
 Up - best to nip that in bud - I need to grieve over Gil - grieve, don't get fat and unhealthy or drink over it. Finished Sooz's good tequila one small glass/day, finished Gil's cigs except for one last one for K&I.
 Now - deal with Siouxie, donate to Planned Parenthood if I can, do taxes, get pile of papers in order. Get iPad mini, maybe also iPhone if I can get a deal. I can afford 4100/month if I have to.
 But start saving again - $$ to Stacey took a bite, and still poss K will need 10. So, be good.
 2hr training this afternoon.
+++++
 Sun Feb 5.17 nm
 Sat pm ~7 Karen IM'd - I was already in bed, dressed drove to Peter's 4th St studio, where party she was photographing was ending. Dark not safe neighborhood, glad I went for her tho Dom/Dom house only ~5 blocks away; corner market for fun food for D/D - stopped in talked till ~9 - that was good, our first real chill time alone comfortable inside to talk about UK house/divorce/Gil/Sooz/money/court/Xo/Lo/my job/iPads/trust funds everything. And I could focus on her & I, a step away from Gil/Sooz grief etc. Confirmation Xo is very aware of Sooz and I as people in her life; she is not a child now, but a young adolescent, but still birthday videos are a good thing.
 Gassed Cam for first time.
 Bringing Gil's last cigarette for us to share.
 At home more IM w/DL, sent pic while I was out, but didn't like it, I did, tho gave artistic advice (natural vs. electric light) we chatted, she emotional unhappy. Called 3x, landline & cell, after I was falling into asleep. Uh. No. Do I need to say it? Yes. Don't dick around. Best to be frank in this potentially volatile situation. Just IM'd and did my best to be friendly but draw boundary. Unannounced calls at highly emotional times are not part of our weird friendship - calls are not off table. But I think our thing is mainly going to stay online. There's too much temptation, that powerful sexual stuff drags emotions in with it, that will not do any good. I want this not that. Rather than drag that in I will do without. We know this. It is fun playing online doctor. We are too different in too many ways to make it. Big mistake. You know - there's also - if I have to think about it this much, maybe it's a mistake? But she says she wants it, understands the boundaries, finds it fun and fulfilling, and knows she sometimes goes overboard, but wants it anyway. We have taken long breaks. we had long talks. We understand.
 It's okay till we decided it's done. There's some understanding from back in 1980 - I think we want to keep that connection to memories, like mine with Gil's around Game Theory. Part of ours is dabbling in the sexual tension from back then, and part of the tension pleasure if probably the emotions and passionate feelings it brings up now - getting the juices flowing, but not letting it manifest itself. So naturally there's fucked up moments. That's part of the deal. As I just IM'd her. I do hope we can pull it off.
 The pics bring a flowery fulfilling pleasure into my life.
 Anyway -
 Get an iPad.
 Go to Dom/Dom ~10:30am, to drive K to Richmond book fair ~11 - prob come home at some point, then pick her up, then maybe visit Stacey on way home ~7:30, or some evening during week.
 9:55 now - home ~10:10 - pack carefully, 10mins to K's.
+++++
 Sat Feb 4.17 MAC store 4th St w/K
 Getting up early for 7am wk open was tough, fortunately work was slow, and I have been pretty emotionally stable since Fri melt down.
 After work Fri, napped hard, dinner with Monique and Dominico - that was fun, just the 4 of us.
 Today up early, Nomad, pick up Karen, stop at Nomad for her breakfast, Rockridge AAA, Register Sooz's car and get paperwork to donate Siouxie, Mon/Dom's pick up stuff, snack, 4th St.MAC store, Mexican restaurant. Raining and Chinese New Year events, easy parking.
 Stacey's GFM doing well, almost $14K. Cool.
 Super slomo of LR/DilEntry interesting/arousing. Filmed myself, sent to her, as per request (long as it is real).
 Keep thinking of asking for similar from LDun. A bit of emotional drama there, to. Get real - their pussies, our cocks, are attached to our emotions and sexual selves, can't be separated except by sociopaths. When I ask for those shares, I ask them because it matters that's them and me, so it is fucking with their emotions. So, don't be a sociopath.
 At 4th St MAC store got a # to call to clear out my Apple accounts, start anew, get iPhone - or iPad! - through shop near work, learn to text, books from Kindle. Only works with wifi. Gonna be ~1K/year if I pay for iPad mini monthly along with data. I need to learn this stuff if I'm going to work again. I can do that, and good to keep up on modern technology in case I need it for future job. Things are shaking up at work, as we move into hew space, and they want best people.
 Paid rent, added up my budget for year, looks about as expected. Still close to 50 in both actual and predicted, $300 to K.
 Laundromat
 Napped/slept till ~ 4, checked in w/K, no response, asked LD for specific images, no response but said she was open, after laundry, walk to BB for dinner/groceries - I think this low level grief about Gil is tiring me out.
 Not quite grounded. Get it together. My life has changed without Gil, and with Suzanne moved out of town - bad timing with her and my shared experience, but we can still talk!
 New car. Get mini iPad. Get back on the health kick. Fewer snacks. Learn work camera. Learn iPad, texting.
 Let the GoFundMe take care of itself - Stacey is on it, it's spreading slowly through friends, acquaintances.
 Do my own life. No word from Shelley. K says that's too much to hope for. Yeah. Probably. But some kind of communication would be wise - as other people, or she, or I die, it would avoid regrets to have something live between us.
 Sun morning take K to Symposium book show, then prob pick her up in evening. Hope to visit with Stacey some evening during week.
+++++
 Thurs Feb 2.17 bed lights out 9:04pm
 Up @5:30, wk @7 - mainly light work, but full 8hrs, but nothing traumatic.
 Stacey's GFM almost $12K - yay! Seems to be spreading on its own. :-) People I know can barely afford it giving 10-20. Love that.
 Karen flew into town, some confusion around that, where to and how. Drove to where she's staying - Francesca & Dominique - wine, chat about Blue/Gil/etc - stopped @BB on way, groceries including sushi & seaweed for her. Talked about trying to be more forgiving for Gil's memory, and in time of shared grief. Some way to show tour slides to Kristine's/Scott's girls?
 In early again Fri. Fixed online provider for angrylambie.com.
 Make appt for AAA/DMV Saturday morning to register Sooz car and get new Pink Slip for Siouxie. Pick up succulent from Sooz. K maybe visit Stacey?
 Mentally foggy. So much going on, and emotions, and work.
 But mainly okay - just , as I told Lo, more life going on than usual.
 Eating jelly beans - mmm. Snacking a lot at work. Gaining weight. Feeling old. Get a grip.
 Make slo-mo of LR dildo tomorrow.
 End of an era with Gil dead. No more enjoying tour video we made together - or watching tour slides and laughing. He & Scott were my artistic collaborators. At least we got something done. Right now I'm feeling grateful for all the time we had together. Sooz suggested missing him and sadness will come later. Yeah.
 Local headquarter guy laid off, so our dept no longer had direct contact in area - so how does this affect days off/vacation etc? Dunno. We'll see. The $$ for Stacey takes a bite out of budget. K could use some help but I'm feeling pinched. I'll be okay - and K's $ situation is beyond my ability - if I keep giving now, what if house needs big chunk? And what about me? Gotta hold on sometimes. Feeling a little stretched.
 Bed early - last Valium -
+++++
 Wed Feb 1.17 nm Sippin' Tequila, one smoke 8:07pm
 This is nothing - well, okay. Something. But so long as my health is good, I have no room to complain.
 Tues pm visited Sooz after work, she thought she had an extra copy of Cammy keys, but were from diff Toyota. Said good-byes - okay - already wrote about that last night. Glad for last visits.
 At wk R drops that he's out tomorrow and Fri - sigh - so I'm in 7am. It's okay - today was emotional because The GoFundMe for Stacey rolled out - $9,400 first day - that is damn good I guess? Now we'll have to work harder for the rest, but still - if we can even get to $15K that will be something great. Our friends are artists and musicians with their own families and troubles to take care of - they don't have a lot to spare - people giving $25-$50 they can barely afford. It is so appreciated. It keeps sad emotions, Stacey's being alone, missing Gil & my shared memories, in my face - tomorrow I'll need to focus on work, let love and momentum carry itself.
 I made a fb folder for pics for Stacey to choose from, then just made it public. It all sort of happened on its own, I just filled in a form, Wynn & Kate wrote text, Stacey gave me photo to use. He was my friend, without thinking I'm doing things one does for a friend. That's good. I'm not doing or feeling anything that makes me feel like a jerk. That's all one can ask. I'm not doing it to feel good. I'm doing it because that's what you're supposed to do. You don't get a star for it. You get the pleasure of the knowledge you are doing the right thing.
 I'm making people feel good. I can enjoy that. Gil would be happy to see it. To see everyone coming together for Stacey. Yay. Oh, God Gil.
 Sooz called today from Carquinez bridge on way to OR - reminded me I forgot to take succulent  - pick it up from driveway tomorrow night? Said Jack no longer needs ride to airport. Sad. Missing her already. Glad we saw each other 3-4, 5x this last week or two, had time to talk about Gil and other life things. No loose threads.
 I have enough for tomorrow's smoothie, so staying in.
 Step away - I need to register Cammie, & get a replacement Pink Slip for Siouxie. And also be there for Karen while she's in town. Get some dollars for her tomorrow?
 Just paid cc balance. Life goes on.
 My commitment to friends G&S remains same with slight shift in focus.
 It is going to be okay. Dumped my trash, recycling & compost into bins for tomorrow's pick-up. Keep eating healthy. Do my job. Trainings next week. Compartmentalize FundMe page separate from work. Do not advertise my grief around Gil. It is no different than everyone else's grief.
 Keep breathing, moving, loving.
 Be here now. Let go. Adulthood means less drama.
 Reading Elmore Leonard's short stories.
 Got to share private nude pics with Gil, of mutual friends no one else has seen. Once in a lifetime, you know? A friend. Okay.
 Shared last pics of G with Sooz.
 Friends.
 Thank you Peggy for sharing your beauty with me. 1979 Davis.

+++++
 Tues Jan 31.17  home bed 10:42PM
 After work went to Sooz's for one last sweet real goodbye to her and Cheeto - leaving early tomorrow morning. Talked about our friendship, how much she means to me, how we talk about everything and she has watched me mature, and noticed it in ways no one else can.
 Then home for a few sips of tequila, one of Gil's smokes, set up a GoFundMe for Stacey. Waiting for her approval to go public tomorrow morning. Doing page for Stacey is good soul work. Wynn & Kate wrote text. Stacey chose photos. I just filled out forms. It is appropriate that I have that honor, as a good friend, and to share it with his he rest of our community. It helps me. If not heal. Helps me not get stuck in his gone-ness.. I dearly hope it goes very well for Stacey. She needs a break.
 Still have to register Cammie and get Pink Slip for Siouxie.
 Peggy 1979 Davis.

+++++
 Tues Jan 31.17 nm
 So - Tuesday - but no more Sooz TV nights. with Gil's death I have not been able to focus on that and deal with the loss, not really. we have had several recent visits, lunch, the car, talked about it and around it - it being we will miss each other -, joked about being in denial. So not like it hasn't been dealt with as well as possible. It's okay - I mean - I think we faced it, said we'd talk on phone, Skype.
 I have lost two friends this in a week - Sooz is my go-to friend who recently lost her best friend after a long-term illness, so she knew exactly what I was going through.
 So don't minimize it, be gentle and understanding on myself. Honor them by mourning the loss, recognizing weight of value loss. My life is emptier, lonelier.
 Gil was my last direct connection to Game Theory - we shared the good and bad memories, the slide are almost meaningless now, and alto of the photos. So much of that was me shooting him and him enjoying being shot.
 Sooz is Xoxo's Godmother, she was my last truly direct connection to Karen - and Xoxo - in town. Shit we've known each other almost as long as I've known Karen.
 I added up some financial stuff, for peace of mind.
 For ~16years I have spent on average $25/week on snacks for TV night. That's $100/month, $1200/year x ~15 - so as far as the Camry goes, not to minimize it is a symbolic gift of love - but it comes in light of thousands of dollars of food. So there's that. Not that I needed that - or maybe I did. I did 'pay' for it, in my own way. You give you, sometimes you get back. Not to mention other generosities only Sooz is aware of. we talked about all the stuff in out lives.
 Damn.
 Went to visit Stacey last night with 2nd half of initial cash gift - have been worried about the money going out (esp 'cause k might still need hers), it's not a small chunk of change, more may be necessary. I promised G&S both I'd do it and I am good doing the right thing, but - was feeling some stress and minor resentment  - what am I getting aside from the knowledge I am helping a friend and doing the right thing - that is MORE than enough - yet, my wallet  - cries a little - a natural reaction :-) -- then I thought, I got Sooz's car for free, $ for S was what I thought I might offer for car if it was a purchase - so, that money was already 'spent' in my head. $$ for Stacey it what I would have paid for car.
 It helped to think of it that way. That $ was already gone.
 So got that worked out. That's not over thinking. That's getting right with myself and avoiding resentments.
 Last night looked through photos for Gil's FundMe, discussed target amount to ask for, talked about pics for memorial Joe/Matt setting up, changed Gil's fb page pics, talked to Dexter.
 I really ought to learn how to text - bite the bullet - get an iPhone, not a Mac, $80/month for data, learn it.
 I'm recalling how it looks to me when other people suffer personal losses - divorces, deaths, illness - from a distance, you can not feel their pain - not even close up, not really - we all suffer alone. So when people offer me condolences for Gil, accept their well-meaning words as in it's the thought that counts, say thanks and unless they ask for them not too man, or no, details. Am I alive? Roof over head? Mobile? Can I feed and clothe myself? Then the appropriate answer is: "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking."
 God bless Jennifer for bring there, for being a calming presence and support for Stacey.
 Today - set up GoFundMe, and Register Camry, and see about getting a new pink Slip for Siouxie. Move Siouxie every three days. Don't give her to anyone who I don't trust to immediately go out and register her in their name. Donate her to charity connected to Planned Parenthood.
 Okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Sad about Suzanne.
 Shit - Karen gonna be here Thursday, I'm not going to be able to pick her up, for first time ever(?), too many days off lately for illness and Gil. Shit. Hate it. Sorry. But give her some cash? Check w/Mechanics to make sure my amount has gone up.
 Don't worry so much about $$. I'll be okay. The future? What makes me think my idea of a trailer home at 75 will come true?  I could die tomorrow. Do the right thing today. Being able to live with myself is very important. whether I have 30, or 40, or 50, or 60 doesn't matter that much - it's a symbolic number that comforts me - but it's still symbolic. Okay - so that has importance to me. But weigh in other factors as well. If I have one friend, I am rich.
+++++
 Mon Jan 30.17 nm
 Started fb IM conversation about gofundme page - I'm doing it with support esp from Dan & Kate.
 Slept ~10-4am, then snooze - stressing about memorial - it doesn't *have* to be in February! His 50th bday party was a huge affair - I can't do it. I can say No! I recall how freaked out I was at Scott's memorial - if I can't do it, put some feelers out, let people know what needs to be done then let go. I can't do what I can't do. I am allowed to say, I am not strong enough to do that. And had it off to people with experience. Not even sure I can be there. I was with him till the end.
 Anyway - stressing a bit yes.
 Don't. Gil would not want that.
 Couple sips of Sooz's tequila last night. Watch that.
 Now Robert... your best friend died last week, another best friend is leaving town and I said good-bye to her Thurs, Sat & Sunday. She gave you a a nice car - that is an emotional thing for an introvert. I gave away a substantial amount of my savings, and it's not impossible K will need even more depending on court. So also feeling some financial insecurity.
 Other people have it rougher, Stacey lost her husband, but I still need to recognize this being a tough time, of loss, lost friends, lost financial security, tension in my home-site about the leaky roof.
 It doesn't help any that Trump's first week in office is disruptive and frightening for the country. The lies. The racism and bigotry and hate.
 So - don't drink. That's number one. Take care of business - register Sooz's car, get a new copy of Siouxie's Pink Slip. That's # 2. Mid-week set-up a FundMe site for stacey. That's #3.
 Make sure Stacey is okay. I can do that best if my life is calm orderly. So keep it together. Take care of business. Let go best I can of all negativity.
 Get this done.
 I have thought about writing letters to Fred, Joe & Dan. Remember Gil waited too long. Don't wait too long.
 8:47am time for work.
+++++
 Sun Jan 29.17 II bed 9:30PM
 Another eventful day.
 Nomad morning, Marine Biologist glass blower Robin came in, we had nice chat about living in Bay Area, leaking roof, getting older; moved Siouxie junk into Camry, Sooz sent AAA #, asked a a few neighbors if they wanted her, or knew of someone; switched insurance to Camry - Siouxie still insured till I get rid of her. Can't find fucking Pink Slip anywhere - went through every file and box - could have sworn I've seen it over the years, but maybe not?
 Drove to Sooz to get Camry mechanic history, ate Subway sandwich, Cheeto sat on lap, talk about death, moving, Karen, whatever - hen to Stacey, yummy Thai lunch, discuss business, I'm helping her out, gave check for half, plan an online fundraiser for medical bills, Gil's urn etc. Have to also reach out for help doing a memorial - maybe I can do FundMe, but I can't plan or pay for the memorial - someone has to step up. Reach out. Can Gil's family help pay for memorial? I have to have a financial boundary - K might need my help. I need to be prepared to retire someday. Figure it out. It will be okay.
 Don't panic. This will happen. Dan and Kate have already said they'd help write the FundMe message.
 Anyway, fun lunch, borrowed his fave drummer autobio.
 At home, tore everything apart one last time looking for Pink Slip. Nope. Fuck.
 Pulled slide projector and six slide trays out of suitcases and put white board up - just watched them all. Did it for Gil. No regrets. Would have been a blast, but once he was in steep decline I think it might have been too upsetting, too obviously The Last Time before The End, and you know, no fun.
 And they don't do much for me now, interesting for history and some are interesting photos - but often I was just a guy there with a camera - they'd be of no interest to anyone who wasn't there - and with Scott and Gil now gone, the mind and heart of Game Theory - well, maybe I'm just feeling empty right now. I'm probably depressed.
 Watch out for drinking. Stay healthy. Keep a bright loving outlook.
 Friending Shelly & Kristine is a good first step - take it slow - we don't have to like each other, but facebook friending is a first step, maybe it will lead to some communication with Shelley, and eventually being able to be in same same room and make small talk. Small steps. Do it for Gil. Okay? Okay.
 3 hits of mild weed, one Valium, cottage kind of torn up, get it straightened before too long.
 Tomorrow - work on registering Sooz's car to me, getting new copy of Pink Slip, reach out to Brad, Matt and such about a memorial site.
 Back to work. Could be interesting. Do not kid myself I am back to anything like normal. Bawling all day Friday over a bottle of sake and pack of smokes is an indication that there will be tough days ahead. Don't do anything rash. Don't act out. Don't tell anyone. Take it easy. Give it time.
+++++
 Sun Jan 28.17 nm 9:14
 Sat started getting back into life - a little less time online. Chopped dried layers of vines off cottage roof - when I do it, as opposed to sudden landlord treatment, the change in appearance is alright, Looks raw and lovely, the wood shingles in bright winter sunlight. I don't think Gil ever told me - rarely anyway - how he felt about all I wrote here - I asked him not to - I wonder how it sounded? But whatever, along with our real-world interactions it let him know me deeply.
 Have not begun to imagine world/life without Gil -
 Last week off work has meant fewer/no vegetables/more uncomfortable digesiton. Get back into right diet asap.
 ~2? Sooz emailed about picking up roof rack for Camry - corner Subway for sandwich, we talked for almost an hour(?), petted Cheeto on my lap, roped rack to Siouxie's rack, said sad good-byes.
 Losing Sooz and Gil in one week. But at least Sooz is alive and like K we have opportunity to chat/Skype once a week if we like. I said I'd like to.
 Offered Siouxie to Robbie and ex-neighbor/Cece cat owner Candace. But can't find Registration! Looked through files. Where is it?? In glove box? It ought to be around. Emailed Stacey about lunch to day, and to discuss 'business', re paying for cremation etc.
 This morning - move stuff from Siouxie into Cammy (her temp name); then call Stacey late afternoon about lunch.
 Walked to BB ~7pm for soup, berries, eggs, sushi box.
 Sleep ~9:45 last night, sleep soundly, dreams this morning, up ~8:30 - need to get back into regular 7am sleep pattern asap.
 But give myself time - don't push it. If my body is telling me it needs 10hours sleep a night, that's what my body needs to heal.
 K - so - back to car stuff exchange, hope to find registration in glove box, maybe ask on fb if anyone knows someone desperate for a working car? Or just donate to charity. Also shift insurance - today!
 Today:
 Car stuff
 Insurance
 Registration
 Lunch with Stacey - bring checks.
 Got groceries and laundry done - all in all, okay. Could use a shower.
+++++
 Sat Jan 27.17 nm 9:30am
 Yikes, well after Nomad, home, opened bottle of sake - cheap stuff, not that tasty - and Gil's last pack of American Spirits - I'd forgot till this moment that was his. Appropriate. Called Mom, Shirley in hospital, I held into her too long, but also she is not good at drawing clear boundaries - she hesitates and flounders then gets resentful - and then, I talk too much. Told her about Gil, and also Dad's influence on me, stoicism, being efficient, putting off my own emotions till later, showing love by helping with money; mentioned shared grief reaching out to estranged people, and said I'd do same with Shirley.
 So that was rushed, tense, but good.
 Then got into fb Gil posts, sake, smokes, and lots of tears - surprised me - bawled on and off for hours. Thank God I took week off. Would have made me sick to hold all that in; far healthier to let it out. No solid food - 3 smoothies -one ~9pm, and some jelly beans. Not in the mood for solid food.
 I don't have to like them, or even forgive them, but I do have to be able to be in same room with them, share what love there is, keep it light. I'm angry, bitter, resentful, sensitive, grudging - ask Buff for advice. It's easy to say, take responsibility, work on yourself, but harder to accomplish. Maybe laugh bout the past. If someone apologies, graciously accept it then drop it. If I have things to apologize for - well, there's no 'if' about it - do so briefly and sincerely, then drop it.
 Anyway - I think I was in all day, online. Lots of IM'ing with a variety of folks, later in evening LinDun - which got slightly awkward, the 'L' word, which can be easily misunderstood, asked if she could call then called without waiting for answer, I didn't pick up; - and Shelley B, about death and old age and such. I need to focus and learn, hr bawdy talk, about pleasure of her body, about I ask ask for anything short of a blow-job, is her bawdy style, and not an invitation for flirting. Okay? Okay.
 Let's see, timeline:
 Mon Dec 12 Gil called about hospice, 1-2 months (!?), hospice says could be more. I visited, good visit. Lindsay came out, next week(?) - I made short/medium visits all three days.
 We all - Stacey & Gil - had colds for 2 weeks so no visits, but almost daily check in, love. But did visit otherwise, went down to car with walker for smokes, chats; later in wheelchair with Stacey for smokes/chats.
 Wed Jan 18 vertigo emergency, took off work, helped at Kaiser/home.
 Wed Jan 24 Stacey IM'd at work and I went over, and that was Gil's time.
 Thurs 4th St. Mexican lunch w/Dan/Shannon/Jennifer/Stacey, shop, TV @ home.
 Fri Solano pizza lunch w/Sooz -talk about Gil, Sooz's health problems, Karen's court/etc, then hang w/Stacey/Jennifer few hours, mainly PBS TV but also discuss memorial.
 Sat Call Mom; break down drinking sake, smoking/bawling all afternoon. That was my time. Not as physically painful/wrenching as w/Scott, but G&I were closer friends, shared housing - '89-'97 - 8 years for fuck's sake, plus touring, music, videos, etc. So a different kind of hurt.
 I did not run away; stayed close, helped best I could, remained his and Stacey's friend till the end. So there's that.
 In my own way, will try to follow Gil's example of forgiveness, smartness, kindness, love, etc. Do it fast, while we are in a state of shared grief.
 Today? Groceries. Clear dead vines of cottage. Put up blue lights? Do some stuff - sitting around will start getting me mentally putrid and down.
 I am very very fortunate to live where I do, have good job, car - all let me be of assistance, as would any of his fiends who could have, I was a proxy for those who live further away - got it? Blessed to have a network connected by shared experiences and Gil's love; it was good that those closest to him, his wives, Joe, Kate, Dan, Shannon etc., that I felt 100% comfortable/welcomed/necessary by them. Maybe I misinterpreted this moment - but at one point, while I was letting someone in or out, nurses had moved him, his breathing was rough, when I came back in folks were saying I should go in, this could be the time. I felt like they were saying, it was esp important to me as his friend? Anyway, I'm glad they cared and knew it would matter very much to me, to be there for him at the end if I could be.
 That's right - it is all about me.
 Gil is no longer here to read this blog.
 Mom warned me, it will hit me in other ways over time, as I feel his missing presence. Too soon to think I'm 'okay', or it's over. Be her now.
 Don't forget to breath.
+++++
 Fri Jan 26.17 nm 11am
 Well, this is very different than the explosive shock of Scott's suicide. Impossible to describe. What a large network of love he left - something to think about - do I want to leave a network of bitterness and self-pity, or a network of people who feel better about themselves because I was here.
 Gil's ability to love, like Karen's, is a gift from somewhere - I think those two picked up on each other that way - but we can still see and learn.
 Sleeping well with Cannabis & one Valium. I have 2? left. Back to work Monday.
 These days of are necessary. I think I had 30 - then 4 days off sick, & 4 for Gil - still a month left, and earn 20 more this year.
 Thu pizza lunch on Solano ~2, after visited Stacey & Jennifer till ~8. Mostly hung with Jen, watched PBS British TV, also talked about finances - sending her $ via PayPal - and how/when/where to have Gil's memorial.
 Fb quieting down about Gil. I've had a long time to prepare; I knew my friend who I visited and played with was already gone. Sympathetic friends help. Helping Gil & Stacey in their moments of need is good, I shut down a bit emotionally, but they understood I needed to have my wits about me to be useful. I am like Dad: he did his duty, put his emotions aside for a later time, showed love - among other things - by helping financially. Thank you for that Dad. Came in useful. Sending details to Donnette, Matt, Gui, Bradley, etc helps. Brad & I are different, but we had a good exchange. Gil cherished him. Matt was his brother. Donnette sent my details to Shelley. I thought she might reach out to me over this. Should I reach out again? Gil would say yes. Maybe. I already reached out several times, got hand slapped away. Nothing can happen if she doesn't want it.
 But.
 Gil would say forgive and reach out. Rise above all my knotted emotions. Let go. Don't expect perfection, have no expectations. Work on it. Don't apologize or explain or anticipate. Just send a friend request. Now.
 Done. A lot of emotions, anger, neuroses, twisted stuff - but at least we ought to be able to be fucking Facebook acquaintances. How painful can that be? Come on. We are probably going to be in the same room for Gil's memorial. We are not going to live forever. If you need an apology or something ask for it. Just don't make it about a handful of photos that I fucking took. Fuck you. The price of us being in the same room is letting me have those photos, while you have scans, which you can reprint.
 :-)
 Grunt! Grunt!
 If Donnette & I can accommodate each other and try to do our best, so can you and I.
 Let the venom out here, privately - maybe on hikes - and let it go.
 Donnette wrote a good tribute:
 "Tomorrow and every day after this I will live the lessons you taught me - to find the joy in this beautiful world, to give big love to those around me, to celebrate each moment as a gift, and to place kindness at the forefront of everything I do. Gil, I will never have your grace, wisdom, and wry humor, but I will try my best. And you would tell me I'm doing great."
 Perfect.
 Okay. I also sent a friend request to Kristine. I sort of regret not doing it beforehand - that might have pleased Gil - but he understood I was doing the best I could. Better late than never. Part of his legacy is living with more love. Okay? Okay.
 Okay - call Mom, walk to B for lunch. Today is my first day to really chill at home if I want. Maybe sushi tonight.
 Rest. Relax. There's life to live.
+++++
 Wed Jan 25.17 nm 10:47am
 Well, yesterday is not gonna be possible to write about - too many details, for one, and death is not describable in any meaningful way. Also, Gil was the one person I know read at least some if not all if this blog, so now, I no longer will consciously or unconsciously adjust what I say.
 Firs observation: Near as I can tell, I'm not as devastated as expected - wounded, sad - but functional, at least for now - I think I'm practicing avoidance.
 Second: Gil stopped breathing peacefully, his wife and 1st wife at on either side, I was ay his foot hand on leg, Joe, Kate, Jose and Jennifer at end - Dan and Shannon arrived later. We had split up beer, esp his last can of Sapporo, had toasted, were joking about use of word pussy (re Sunday's Woman's March) when he stopped breathing. We thought he'd have liked that. He loved to laugh and make people laugh, it felt appropriate. He was the life of the party always.
 I'd gone to work, ~soon after Stacey said maybe best to come over now, hesitated for a few minutes - IM'd K & Lo - then left. On train braced myself, more or less said good-bye - I mean, that friend Gil I had fun with was gone, now was time to be there during his hour of greatest need. Told Sooz no TV night, driving in Sooz's gift which is much easier to handle, stopped at Safeway for veggies/fruit.
 Well, then nurses coming and going, bringing people up and down through maze from parking lot to Stacey's. He didn't look good, but was coherent enough to respond to I love's you with I love you Robert, Karen etc. Huge blessing that. Somewhere I hope he knew we were there and it was okay. Toasted with Sapporo, we were joking about the word pussy - Woman's March signs - during his last breath. And that made us happy, he loved a good pussy joke. Appropriate good-bye.
 Joe, Jose & I went to get Chinese take-out, and explored 99 Ranch a bit while waiting. People came to get him, and the bed. Dan and Shannon arrived, waited a while to go in, I went in w/Dan with arms around. Whether or not we acknowledge it out loud to each other, Joe, Dan & I are brothers.
 Left ~11pm - sort of didn't like leaving Stacey, but thought get sleep, and I was getting stressed irritated being around so many people.
 ~11:30 pot and Valium and slept very well.
 Been responding to sympathy posts/IMs - Donnette said a good one - and also reaching out to Gil's brothers Dean, Matt P,, Brad Or etc, to give details and say how much he loved them, what he said about them.
 This is unlike any other experience I've had. Because of Gil's love I will do my best. For Gil. That includes loving myself. He helped give me that gift, and that helps in every way. Thank you dear brother. Love you. Glad sometimes I made you happy.
+++++
 Mon Jan 23.17 home bed 8:25am
 Sun feeling not well, maybe relapsing into the flu from 3 weeks ago? Just weak - realized maybe I had a touch of that Sun but assumed it to be emotional strain of Gil's illness, leaking roof, Sooz leaving, accepting her car - accepting the car, as an act of friendship, was kind of amazing, thank you, etc. Anyway, Sun early afternoon weakness/soreness hit, did laundry with many damp towels while guy was putting goop on skylight - which seems to have worked, no rain came through last night - got home with no strength to put laundry away, couple pillows and quilt on bed and napped. Later in evening made bed, put laundry away & heated up BB Chinese chicken noodles for dinner. Eating helped.
 Couple hits of pot and think I slept okay last night 11:45pm ~8am.
 WTF. This is all messing with me. Short-tempered. Leaving me vulnerable to flus? Chill. I have not accepted what is happening. Need to apply all life lessons to this time. It can always get worse, and falling apart is not ideal.
 Well enough to go to work. But would rather stay in bed all day. More theraflu.
+++++
 Sun Jan 22.17 nm
 Slept okay, but agitated(?), I think it rained and small amount came through into bed ledge towels.
 Can't tell if I'm coming down with something - mental fogginess, mild joint ache, feeling a chill - or if it's stress and cold/damp cottage? Had theraflu this morning. Need to honestly check in with myself, because if any chance I am ill I cant' visit G&S. Get clear on this.
 S said to come by any time tomorrow. I emailed Sooz I'd be in area, could visit, she said feeling overwhelmed. Damn.
 I like quiet, boring times - glad I learned, from divorce years, to appreciate - and - and.
 Someone sposed to come by to put sealant in roof skylight this morning. Good.
 k - 10:10am - I want a hot shower. Be sure to eat food. Bring Chinese, hot & sour soup to G&S?
 Maybe laundry tonight - smell of damp moldy cottage towels is creepy and maybe not healthy.
 Berkeley Bowl for smoothie/other.
 Don't spend all day w/G&S, I want to be string/saintly, but it wipes me out. Pace myself.
+++++
 Sat Jan 21.17 home 8:30pm
 Fri pm up till 1am watching Sopranos clips on youtube smoking American Spirits. Slept in till ~9am.
 Nomad eggs/bagel/banana/Odwalla. IM'd w/K, among other she suggested letting people help. Good idea. Still learning.
 So, asked Sooz if she could pick me up to get car - she came over ~1 -saw her succulent gifts in the yard, chat w/DJ/Buff out front, got update on guy coming over to put sealant on skylight tomorrow am.
 Fun lunch at Mexican place top of Solano, sign over car. And nice distraction from health matters. After hand-off, Safeway for soup/flexi-straws for Stacey, drop off then drive to Ace hardware w/Jennifer for new showerhead for Gil, long chat about everything. Move furniture/bed to bring in new bed. Tentative plan to come by tomorrow.
 Drive home in hard rain - very comfortable driving - nice car! Small but spacious inside. Cassette & CD player, and skylight. AC - cool! Now where does Siouxie go? 1 Sapporo, 3 cigs. Buff comes in to check leakage, I apologize for being angry(?) about leaks earlier - weepy - this is new to me and I'm still figuring out how to deal, learning its affect on me - , of course he says not necessary, we're all good now. 
 K. All I suppose as good as could be hoped for. G seemed better than Wed. No dinner.
 Eat good food, sleep, take good care of myself. Breath. Be prepared for it to hurt a lot. More.
+++++
 Fri Jan 20.17 home 6:30pm
 Tough day - ~4am thunderstorm and rain leaked onto bed - very upsetting. Sort of took it out on Buff/DJ - this has got to be fixed - new normal is Robert does not get leaked on. Buff came in tonight, and I explained I have no patience while dealing w/Gil. So we'll be okay - but fixing roof has to be immediate priority.
 Trump's inaugural is such a bummer. Ugh.
 Gloomy. Rainy. Rgh.
 Sooz called about car, I snagged phone room, told her about emergency room day. It's good to share sadness w/Sooz, who lost her dear friend, K is great but her kind of positive observations don't feel welcome. Too much emotion in me.
 Stacey says she's okay for tomorrow, maybe a Sun visit. Hopefully tomorrow roof can get worked on - goop on skylight -
 Between G's situation, & Sooz leaving town, & leaking roof - well, roof is only thing I have any control over - so my angry trying to gain control gets focused on that. We'll be okay. I'm just upset. Try not to - don't take it out on others.
 So sad. Fuck.
 Sposed to rain hard today & tomorrow - not so much so far - fingers crossed.
 Slept decently.
 Regional work head came by dept today, seemed to have positive attitude, including about me, so that's good. Said something about our department being exceptional so no need to worry about emergency days off etc. I told R about why I took day off, so assume he told Jeff.
 Get a grip. It's okay to be upset - but don't be a jerk. Find other outlets.
 Work has been mercifully slow.
 Okay - chill - a bit of pot - maybe a glass of sake & couple smokes. Get sleep. Take care of myself. Deep breath.
 Ordered more Filthy Cock soap, joined AARP. This whole getting old, sick, dying thing. I will learn and learn to deal.
 Worried.
 Okay. Enough fretting. Mind scattered. Chill. Watch a movie. Bit o pot. Small glass of sake. Maybe pick up car from Sooz tomorrow?
 Have a good cry. And move on. Let go.
 Think the day in hosp was more upsetting than I realized. Let it sink in. I'll be okay. It is not the end of the world.
 Tomorrow: walk to bowl for food. Laundry. Get back into my life.
 Ahh - shit - starting to rain hard - well, deal with it. :-)
+++++
 Wed Jan 18.17 home 8:30 1 Sapporo/smokes
 Stacey IM'd, rough night, called in sick to help w/G. Managed on short notice to get over there and park, eat, be present etc. That's what friends are for.
 Hard rain, some roof leaks, put up some more tape and towels out. Not bad thank heavens - bad leakage would have been hard to take.
 There was a good post by Ram Das K liked, about all we can be is ourselves, all distance/differences, me-you etc is an illusion - only thing we can offer is to be present ourselves. So I focused on that. Vigil. Just to be there always.
+++++
 Wed Jan 18.17 nm
 IM from S, G dizzy, at Kaiser. Maybe spell S for a while if she needs a break?
 Sooz Tue night, good visit, cheese, hummus, coupe swallows of tequila. No talk about car, mainly packing for OR and just life stuff. Lots of Cheeto snuggle - once I let him lick my tasty fingers he settles down, I think it is more about habit and symbolism than smidge of food on fingers.
 More Sherlock Holmes, more BART breakdowns.
 S IM's - calling in sick, hanging w/G while she shops.
+++++
 Mon Jan 16.17 nm MLK Day
 ~7pm Sun thought food! Couldn't decide between pizza downtown vs. walking to Bowl, headed to Bowl, decided on Plough burger/football. Irish music playing. Felt very grateful for the Plough. :-) Bacon burger, salty catsup fries, 1.5 Lagunitas' worked.
 Cannabis for 1st time in 2+weeks - felt very normal, so mild -, might have helped - slept solid 10:30-5am, then till ~8:15. I wonder if this need for sleep is not even bug, just normal winter reaction, and I'm just indulging it, thinking it is illness. Whatever, getting more sleep is not hurting me any.
 Squeezed orange & lemon in morning smoothie.
 IM K about her coming out in 2 weeks to photograph book fair.
 G&S feeling somewhat better - could be a good day for mellow/quiet visit and slideshow?
 Lookie here - I am walking distance to Starry Plough, Berkeley Bowl, BART, Nomad Cafe, Whole Foods, Hospital. Let me here me say gratitude.
 Another collection of Iggy/Bowie pics contains my Iggy/Bowie dance montage. Fun.
 k  -11:50am - mellow chill day - let us go home and wash my smelly body.
+++++
 Sun Jan 15.17
 Sleep ~10:45-7:15? Seem to have slept well, with vivid morning dreams - someone spilled an entire beer on my bed - rain related image? -
 Posted image from end of La Dolce Vita on fb - reminded me, the night of my DUI, local family came along us with car in water-filled ditch, drove us to their home to get truck for tow - I sat in backseat next to baby in baby seat, had a moment of awareness of how far away I was from ability to relate to a child, to help that child, maybe so far away from my own innocence - far away from being a role model for a child, my niece and nephew - corrupted by bitterness, anger and fear - that was a pure moment, and probably helped me accept and realize what had happened and accept responsibility. Gave me a goal. To regain what seemed unattainable.
 I should not blame myself too harshly - when you got as little as I thought I had, I did what I needed to survive - I can say 'well I should not have clung to Shelley', but I had been in hardwired survival mode for decades before I met her - that's who I was, there was no other me to do better. She no doubt had her equivalent, as do we all. So take it easy on myself. I was not evil. Just trying to survive, looking for a home.
 Grateful for this long weekend, keep resting, eating good food.
 BBC did a cool animation of the Iggy/Bowie montage. I reopened Twitter account for my montages. What the hell? Maybe someone will pay me for  using some of them. Not quitting day job tho. I read about people working 2 jobs, no healthcare, outrageous rents - reminds me, again, to be grateful for all I have. Almost 20years of this - from ~43-63yrs old (coming up in March) - cottage, time to learn, my small community with Buff/DJ which also connect to larger community of Karen, Sooz, G&S, GT etc. Yes, this is a good life. Just what I wanted, tho doesn't look like straight white version I was sold by straight white world. Let go. Embrace all I have. Enjoy, be nothing but myself, share experience with love and open heart.
 Sigh. Breath.
 9:45am. May wind up back in bed for the day. Have sushi & rice/orange chicken from bowl. See if there's afternoon concert at Plough. Call Mom.
 Life is good.
 Making it to 62, retirement age, means less likely to be a burden on anyone - I can potentially move to cheapest city in US, live on Social Security. That is a relief. 63 in 3 months - if my current situation lasts 2more years, I can retire with full benefits and Medicare.
+++++
 Sat Jan 14.17 II
 Well dang - I think I got ~7hrs sleep. Nomad then Market ~noon, Himalayan lunch & a fruit pastry treat, apples, orange, lemons - something new in breakfast smoothies - eggs, beeswax candles, - fun, nice sunny day out with the people. @home Tom on fb points me to Iggy Pop page, where he shared a BBC link to radio show with my Iggy/Bowie montage. Cool.
 After a while on fb, ~2:30 realize I need a nap - pow! - out till ~5? Guess this bug still hanging around. ~6:00 walk to Bowl for hot/sour soup, rice/chicken bowl, sushi, hemp milk, bananas, blue/raspberries, impulse buy jelly beans damn them!, tea strainer and green tea. Feel good about food these days, what a blessing - so much I owe to K. Never forget.
 What a super neighborhood.
 Mon Might pick up Gil's disco publicity shot, scan & print for some friends. See how we all feel. No plans tomorrow - might be just as well to hang out at home in bed, maybe pull out some more GT rolls to scan/upload. Call Mom and, as always, dishes and general straightening. Look into goop/sealant for skylight? Wait for a dry week to do it, then get up there and trowel it in. I can do it.

+++++
 Sat Jan 14.17 nm 9:30am
 Fri 13th BART delays, elevator breakdowns - more Sherlock Holmes - he's getting sentimental, letting people go, there but for grace of god go I etc.
 Mostly all well post-flu(?) - which was mainly fatigue, so when I stayed in bed and drank tea & brandy I felt okay, because I was doing what my body required. Still a bit mentally foggy, been 2 we
 Again, last night, waking up ~2am for an hour or so - maybe start smoking a bit of cannabis again soon. Mon off for MLK Day - maybe visit G&S then?
 Considered a Russian River Loop, but prob best to wait till I'm full energy, plus, tho sunny, it's cold.
 Work has been mercifully slow, but have helped people a few times that made them very happy and appreciate my value. Curious if I will hear any of feedback from Tues training. If it's good, I won't hear anything. If they come at me with bad, ask if there was any positive.
 3 days with nothing to do. Feels good. Laundry got done early because of leaky roof necessitated towel washing/drying, new power strip, as well as skylight taping. Need groceries, which is fun these days, I like walk and back to Bowl.
 The things I need to get to that I am not getting to:
 My skin - face seems to be staying red/dry even when not getting any sun, plus warts on lower-left eyelid, and non-healing dry skin on shoulders. Get it looked at.
 Stretch or yoga - work out the stiffness. Make it a habit.
 Putty skylight. Ask Tom? Who do I ask? Have Buff ask landlord? (have not seen Buff in a while, he's been sick).
 Work slow this week, so aside from Gil & cold 86 Albuquerque show scan/upload - and last GT post-2-Steps non-Donnette shots to Greg at Omnivore - pulled some live stuff out of '88 videos - Friends of Family in Austin, St Michael from Florida, random Remake-Remodel etc - uploaded to Scott page, got lots of likes.
 Everyone on fb sharing teen albums that impacted them - interesting and fun to see what generation people live in and bands who spoke to them.
 Mine:
 The White Album - The Beatles
 A Salty Dog - Procal Harum
 Fragile - Yes
 Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
 The Soft Parade - The Doors
 Court of the Crimson King - King Crimson
 Blue - Joni Mitchell
 After The Goldrush - Neil Young
 Benefit - Jethro Tull
 Tea for the Tillerman - Cat Stevens
 
Sent Donnette Birthday greetings. See? Movement is possible. I note Shelley liking/loving/commenting more on my GT posts. I've done my share of direct outreach, asking to friend her on fb, emailed her about improving relations for sake of friends/family, got angry palm in face, she chose cemetery stones and photo albums over improved relationship. Don't like being a jerk, but ball is in her court.
 Finances pretty good. Starting 2017 where I wanted to be a year ago - ~61 minus ~$7K predictable annual expenditures - Oregon, WV, WEF, car, Jazz/Blues. Seems like UK house would take far more than the 50K that was being offered, so... prob not going to need to donate that?
 E IM'd asked for signed Frida print, said missed me - it's all good, but a bit awkward. I am devoted to K, want to be careful not to undermine, while also not refusing outreach from E. It can be done. Confidences must be kept.
 Fri feel asleep ~9pm, up ~2-3am? - up ~8:30. Still needing extra sleep.
+++++
 Wed Jan 11.17 5:7pm laundromat
 Dang, so - went in early  ~8am Mon to take pics for new hires, Randy not there - sick. He had my email, but said no phone, but why no email? Whatever. J came in early, I forget when. I was still feeling ill - don't remember much. Feeling weak, weary, foggy. Sore throat - and .5hr training this next morning.
 Tues slept badly, mainly awake after 2am - WTF - amused myself fantasizing having N every which way - nasty! - went in 7:45, 3.5hr training - all previous employees but one - awkward -, LA folks showed up an hour late, delayed by big rain storm. I was still not 100%, taking throat numbing spray and honeyed tea. They laughed at my jokes, seemed interested in Frida & Game Theory autobio, asked questions, said thanks/super valuable. Handed out opinion form after, said to give to front desk/anonymous. I suspect they'd be good, but curious - be prepared - seriously - any criticism/requests are an opportunity to do better - maybe be more organized? -, and that's what I want, isn't it?
 Wed, R still out sick so I opened 7am. Tues night rain storm, roof leaking badly, towels on ledge soaked through, glass jar full of brown water, also dripping on side & top edge of mattress and pillow. Worst ever. But since I didn't take care of business, by patching skylight inside and out, I couldn't feel too put-upon or curse my fate. Slept on dry area against wall, but again up ~2am and that was that. Shit. What can ya do - bummer, but I didn't freak too much.
 Oh, but when I got home to get ready to see Sooz, water had dripped from towel onto power strip on floor next to bed, it smelled of electrical burn, melted plastic casing - danger! Sigh. Was tired, still ill, getting up @5:30am for difficult train, was thinking to cancel Tues Sooz night, but only ~3 more before she leaves - I had some Tequila/pretzels/Stilton cheese/hummus/raspberries, not in great mood, but good to see her, chat about move to OR, hold/pet sweet orange Cheeto a lot. Talked about Sherlock Holmes, and K & My current tiff over her bringing up S&K. Left early - to dripping ceiling, wet bed. Sigh.
 Anyway - in 7am today, and thank you baby Jesus it was slow, scanned a bunch of negs: Scott Lolita Nation cover 120, rolls - Mon scanned/uploaded a Gil Lolita roll, fun one by freeway/Big Shot Sammy Davis Jr.; also scanned/uploaded 1986 cold outdoor Albuquerque gig. Many I've never printed/seen, now's the time.
 Scanned/fixed faded color snapshot of Stacey's dad, looked much better! She posted and it does look v cool - Reservoir Dog glasses.
 Off work 3:15 - tired, small nap on BART, made my plan - brought ladder into cottage, taped up skylight - sposed to be big storm tomorrow - vacuumed ceiling debris, which was not as bad as I expected. Bundle all my towels that have been soaking up leakage, also wet bedclothes, pillow cases and few day's worth of clothes. Stop at hardware store for power strip, and now laundry.
 Only 6:15 - can get all this done, remake bed, lay out towels and pray. R back in tomorrow so I can sleep in; feeling like by this weekend I'll be pretty well mended. Maybe do GT slideshow? Time is valuable, but this 2 week break when we both sick maybe was good for us? I needed to take care of myself a bit.
 A time of change. All time is a time of change. Let it go. Be present.
 So, this week: still not 100%, dealt with R being out, big rain storm, severely leaking roof, working alone, coming in early, training, taking pics, doing my job, short term memory pretty weak, visit Sooz - but got it done. Scanning, uploading, reading Sherlock Holmes, staying in touch with friends in need, haven't gotten high for almost 2 weeks, getting ready for Sooz's leaving. K bummed about prob losing house/going to court. Needs a miracle.
 All just normal life. Sun - or was it Mon? long IM with Lind about okay to share pics, and in-depth talk, check-in, cause with how it went south before I want to know what is on our minds. Seems cool.
 K - Nice - clean bed, taped up ceiling, lots of towels, new power strip. Pretzels and Stilton at home.
 Cool. Clothes drying.
+++++
 Sun Jan 8.17 nm
 Promised rain came late - steady all night and till now, leaking roof, towels catching - internet, bucket of pudding, Sat drove to BB for fruit/eggs/hot & sour soup dinner. Mmmm. No pot this week. Haven't missed it.
 Nice being in bed, covers and pillows, turned heat down to minimum, drinking theraflu w/brandy, gentle rainsong thrums on roof. Not too bored - comfy. Vacation from work stress, forced withdrawing into self to preserve strength while ill, healthy respite from life stuff. Good to take care of friends and also take of myself. There's no shame in sometimes putting self first. That's how one stays strong for others.
 Freaked a bit about rash: itchy little red dots on torso - only on chest & back/shoulders - which makes me think heat rash, or allergens, sweating in sweatshirts - except it's never happened before, despite years of sweaty overheated cottage nights. Online no help. See if it goes away on its own. Take some pics for doc. Annoyingly itchy, but not bad as poison oak.
 FB: Unfollowing almost everyone except actual friends & art/science pages.
 Think I'm getting better mentally, good enough to do pics Mon, and train Tue.
 Sat pm lots of Godfather I clips, looked up articles, lots of unanswered questions/plot holes.
 Ahh - okay - plans today? I could add a bit of tape to the ceiling, wet or not, and call Mom. Org those papers that've been sitting around for 2 weeks. That's about it. Oh, set up smoke detector.
 Considering how little solid food I've been eating, body generating a lot of waste. Well, sushi boxes & burritos, okay - also soups and tea. No work snacks - peanuts, cereal, whatever. Feeling good in that regard. Do my best to skip work snacks. Grab a ball to sit on.
 Hard rain now. 10am. Home. Mom. Sushi. Paper organize.
 First: lox-bagel snack and another 1/2 cup coffee. Just as soon sit here in my cherished little Nomad coffee shop than cottage.
+++++
 Sat Jan 7.17 nm
 'Face-melting radioactive drive into a wall at 90mph conversation killers'. My description of what happens when K bring up K&S in any sort of sympathy for K context. She is having trouble grasping it still. It is the one 3rd rail between us. Like, for her, me insulting A.
 Of course, she is going through an extremely rough time, single mom working 2 jobs going to court over house - unfortunately, this one subject is such a kick in the nuts for me, I have no control over reaction - so it's up to he to be cool. Or accept that when she does bring it up, there will be silence for some time.
 In bed all day, in/out of sleep/naps - mentally foggy, plan to get out of bed to forage, 3 hours later still thinking about it. Last night ~5:30 drive to CVS downtown for theraflu, then to campus restaurant row for Korean curry soup. Consumed both at home, theraflu w/brandy - it was good to get out in fresh air, tho affect of flu is like being high, without the fun. City lights at night, collegiate life-is-just-starting, are more romantic; short-term memory makes me uncomfortable lest a situation arise calling upon thinking. Theraflu knocked me out - not like pot, which one can resist, and come in and out of - meds effect is more like sun setting - lights going down and no stopping it.
 Going to sleep early - woke up last night ~midnight-2? Dunno. My sense of time is a mess.
 I do need to focus on my own health, can't help it since I've limited brain power/obviously focus is on missing work/having no energy for over a week. But I remind myself this is not a bad thing, not really serious illness, not painful nor severally debilitating etc. One should use a few brain cells to note that one should prepare for bad health issues.
 Found pics from 2011 Jazz/Blues Buddy Guy/BB King; both L's family friend & uncle in some, shared, that was good.
 mmm - coffee good.
 Nothing much to report here - been in bed with mild flu, mild but keeps me in bed for days -
 New hires at work next week: Mon in early for photos, Tue in early to train - hope to be in decent shape.
 Maybe slide show w/G&S tomorrow?
 Today - sposed to be huge rain storm. Tape up skylight. Call Mom. Go through pile of papers: toss, file away, whatever. Those would be good to have done.
 Send in Ultipro corrections!! Didn't get to it yesterday.
 I think otherwise, life is decently organized. Bills paid, friends/fam contacted.
 Saw fb share from someone regretting he did not tell someone who died unexpectedly how much they'd meant to him. Thought about anyone I may not have told - F? He is, I think, a little in dark about why I am cool to him. He had such an impact, and in his actions showed kindness, even while his words were occasionally over the line and 'unforgiveable'. He introduced me to Donnette, maybe Scott? He let me into Davis music scene as photographer - at a time when some folks like Russ wouldn't let lame geeky me anywhere near. Shot Boys Life; people saw those and liked them, then X-MEN - some of those were cool! My pics started appearing on flyers around campus/town and in papers. By time I approached ALRN that hot afternoon at the Craft Center, they already knew who I was. That took some confidence to say "I can do better!" - BAM! Got double-exposure shot. Excellent eye-grabber.
 So, okay. Fred. Write.
 Fun memories. Shooting pics of bands was fun! Jazz/Blues fest with Eric is fun. All time spent with friends - Eric, Karen, Gil, Sooz - fun! Walking in beautiful nature is a diff kind of enjoyment - taking pictures of nature is fun. :-)
 Getting high at night, with light show and music, while playing with old negs in Photoshop is fun!  Vacation in Oceanside is not exactly fun - it is about healing and regeneration. But! I re-reconsidered Oregon, realized it is about having a quiet beautiful place with nothing to do. Set my expectations. It's not about exploration and excitement, fun - things to do - I just like being there with beauty, sound of ocean, fresh air. Boredom is part of the price. Boredom is not bad, so long as I suppose I don't respond to it with crazed reaching out, drinking/drugging, morbid whatever. Ask fb friends - what do you do, at a quiet vacation retreat, to avoid boredom? Maybe it is up to me, to organize my mind, keep it busy, with something wholesome, healthy and worthwhile. Day drives to local towns. Cooking meals. Walking. Stretching tapes. Books. Whatever.
 I'm having similar experience Eric & I had/have at Russian River - it was new and exciting!, became 'normal', we missed feeling of newness - now, after 6 years, settled in, focused on pleasure of spending time with a good friend is enough, more than enough - reaching that point of fully recognizing true value is a huge gift for both of us.
 So Oceanside - focused on pleasure of spending time by ocean/beautiful offshore rocks/long flat beach and rocks/tide-pools around bend, in a funky comfortable cottage is enough. Avoiding painful boredom is up to me. Part of that is me keeping in mind why I'm there.
 What a great life. Be kind to my friends. Be kind to everyone.
+++++
 Thu Jan 5. 17 nm
 Yuck - yep, other symptoms fade, here comes sinus shit. Dang. Short-term memory fucked. Feels like it's getting worse? Get decongestant for wk tomorrow, today drive to WF for theraflu. Poured
 Walked to BB for soup/burrito/salmon/pudding etc. That was nice actually. Berk Bowl workers noticeably more real, relaxed, personal than WF!
 Found online list if Talking Heads gigs, organized, posted to davis80s.
 At home, ate most of burrito, most of jelly beans... brain dead, occasional violent sneezes - gonna drive to WF for theraflu, home to bed - sposed to be huge rain storm this weekend - maybe visit G&S and maybe slideshow.
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 Thu Jan 5.17 nm
 Called in sick 3rd day, glad I did - congestion, itchy rash (wtf?), general malaise, weak appetite, physical weakness - symptoms mild, throat, congestion, etc - but you can just tell: withdrawn animal leave me alone to heal feeling. Well enough to hang at Nomad couple hours, but not to walk 10mins to Berk Bowl.
 Wed: Lots of fb of course. In Dan's 'thank you for success of BSC/LN rereleases' thread, expressed sincere gratitude to Cheryl from Omni. A nice moment built on network of hundreds, if not thousands, and decades of history. She got it done.

 Also, fun music videos shared: Bloodwyn Pig Drive Me from G was cool! J Tull's 1st guitarist. Slade's Cum On Feel The Noise. Morrissey later in evening. Good stuff.
 Smoothies, medicinal tea w/brandy, BB burrito heated in Foreman grill, 10pm shower. Digestion good.
 Uncreative - no photoshop - no pot - got most errands done.
 I am cranky/dull, but not miserable; fb keeps me in touch w/network, while I 'unfollow' more & more people I don't actually know.
 Congestion/runny nose (runny noise ha ha) kicking in - head home soon. Get hot & sour soup from BB.
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 Wed Jan 4.17 nm 9:47am
 2nd day home sick, feeling better today I think, or else getting used to it - not much appetite/energy - called last night to say not in today, probably in Thurs. Cool - costs me nothing, I have ~30 PTOs, this is what they're for, tho I seem to have forgotten that, maybe 'cause I'm so rarely ill enough to need them? And also because in our small dept, we're more likely to come in even when ill.
 Tue: 2 smoothies w/brandy, 2 helpings chicken noodle soup w/bread, chips at night, 3 cups of hot lemon medicinal drink w/brandy, 2 jars of water - watching for dehydration, have not noticed intoxication from brandy.
 Drive to BB for berries, hot soup, eggs, bread, burrito, HW store for skylight tape.
 Got into a bit of an unpleasant argument on fb Floating Heads page, realized it was not for me, I not for them, and quit group. Thought maybe I should wait - but feel fine this morning - it's been unsatisfactory for some time. A mismatch. Obsessed & competitive like I get with video games.
 I been asking myself about fb time, but am on 24/7 it seems - more so during holidays & sickbed-time - or am I - is it really more?
 Cranky from illness. * brings up S as example of emotionally distant male giving her sympathy for * - I was about to bite her head off. That is probably the one area she & I should not go - as I've told her many times - ; on top of which it's such a mundane common predictable subject - emotional women vs. less-emotional men - yawn - she approaches like it's a problem to be solved, instead of a fact to be accommodated.
 Mean. Sick. Worried. Sad.
 Tues: Mick Ronson's daughter's fb page, Iggy/Bowie cover band poster used my Bowie/Iggy montage - cool. I assume they - musicians who've knew both - know it's fake, but enjoy idea. I like seeing my ideas get validation. Like Frida/Patti. Good idea. Lead me to post cool Starman on Top of Pops vid.
 Bed early, sound of heavy rain, towels on side of bed catching drips, woke ~2? watched cowboy shootouts bar fights etc for hours - The Rifleman - Chuck Connors looks cool! Clint Eastwood, Few Dollars More - that was fun! - good deep sleep till 8am, woke up feeling pretty good/rested/mentally more present.
 Only plan today is to tape skylight - -I should wait till rain over and surface is dry. Bring ladder in? Lay sheet to catch debris.
 On fb Scott page Dan V thanked everyone involved, seems like LN & BSC doing well, at least so far as 2016 Best-re-releases lists. Thanked Pat, Gil, Me, Greg (photo guy at Omni I work with) - my ego likes seeing my name up there with talented artists/core group of Scott support etc, (tho demographic who cares is minuscule in extreme); I could overthink if so inclined (ha ha), but I think it means: photos, willingness to share freely, send them examples to choose from, do the scanning & photoshopping is appreciated, a helpful selling point for pre-release videos/packaging/reviews, etc. When I put it that way, it is a not-insignificant addition. It's not about me as a photographer, it's about collaboration with Scott, career-long working relationship, being a visual tool for him, bringing proofsheets for him to examine & mark up, exchanging ideas, sometimes using his, sometimes mine. No matter what an immature drunk pain-in-the-ass I could be, he put high value on my loyalty, because it was a sign I knew he was as good as he thought he was. That's what he wanted. LOYALTY to his career as an artist. ART ultimately came before success. My devotion to Scott and his art has been transferred to Omnivore. I'm sure they feel and appreciate that.
 Also, bonus discs would be a lot less interesting without (previously controversial/now gold) hours of tapes I collected: 2-trac Waist/Knees & Little Ivory from rehearsal studio, "We're not a bloody band until you accept Yoko.", Roadrunner from Boston Rat - omg so glad I caught that and it was good enough for release! - that might be the personal high point for me, 'cause it showed what the band could do unrehearsed spur of the moment challenged - rock!.
 So, okay. That simple thank you is appreciated.
 haha - - over-think - - but some of that was pretty good.  :-D
 Let go.
 It's lightly raining  but not cold, and I have a couple days off to get over - at this point - mild bug.
 11am.. coffee & bagel. Now back to bed rest, do something with my mind so I don't get sullen and nasty.
 Annnd - last observation - attention for Game Theory Scott & Iggy/Bowie montage etc - that is nicer than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and I enjoy a brief wallow in ego soup - WTF - I enjoy analyzing it -& they help keep mechanical "You are worthless" voice away - but they do not make my life any more real or less fragile or more fulfilled than sitting here now.
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 Tues Jan 3.17 home bed sick
 Would call in sick but Jeff already out today - I could call in sick tho!
 No more 'neck shoulders' comments on fb floating heads page. I know I'm being a pain in the ass gadfly. No one else is doing it - so let go.
 Emailed Sooz to cancel tonight.
 Sweaty, mild cough - chills - all mild but yuck - - whatever - go in - take up space - but I think I slept well! ~9:30-7am.
 K - - smoothie, shower, call work to say I'll be an hour late - take care of myself!
 ***
 Called to say I'd be in late, R said go ahead & stay home, he doesn't want to get sick. Cool. No guilt because I offered to come in; maybe call in sick tomorrow as well; hard to imagine I'll be okay. Lemon flu tea w/shot of brandy seems to help. I don't notice any intoxication.
 Almost noon - walk or drive in rain to BB for soup, something substantial - I have almost no appetite, except for fruit smoothies & hot soups. Cleaning out some of the holiday garbage, so that's good.
 Then... ? More smoothies? Get high, watch movies and nap?
 I am grateful the symptoms are not severe. But, as R mentioned, I could have a low-grade fever without realizing.
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 Mon Jan 2.17 nm laundromat
 PBJ sandwich, call Mom, she sick, too; check-in w/Gil/K/L - rent check to DJ, make list, drive to hardware store - closed, BB also :-P ... art store for board to project GT slides on. Past WF on way home, super crowded, try later; with towels/bedclothes/pillow cases/sweat shirts plenty enough for laundry - 2 loads.
 After: WF for hot soup, berries, theraflu tea, kitchen sponges. Then back to bed I guess - maybe read instead of internet -
 Internet more and more decides what I see, what I 'believe', recommending pages, showing "news" based on algorithms of what I want to see. And what news - time to stop politics and get back to celebrities? Creepy!!!
 Fucking really fucking creepy
 G&S say they've got adds after *talking* about stuff near their phones - sure. I've heard same years past about digital TV. Laptops etc can spy on people - why not? Keep that thought prominent - Buff and Robin both cutting way back on facebook - so yes, it can be done. I think I am so invested I can't do without - - but what? A repository of old photos and IMs? I could get iPhone/pad & IM that way without fb.
 Facebook is not all that. I've used it to death - maybe now I can do without, or with 10% of current amount. Nothing new.
 People have seen my Scott pics, and private photo page - but - anything else I need it for?
 How about a week or two on my separate backup page, for IMs, keep away from main page, see how it goes?
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 Mon Jan 2.17 nm ~10AM
 Good to have this free day while bug works through - general 'crud', as Eric calls it. Able to breath through nose, mild scratchy throat - sweaty, some body aches - all very  mild, could be much worse. But - poo.
 Sun ~1 drive to Pegasus for calendars/visit ATM. Then home, into bed ~4 - just doing nothing/resting body - so much time w/face in computer yucky. Booked 121 WEF room. Now need to ask work for week off in April to visit home, and WEF Fri-Mon, & Jazz/Blues weekend.
 Today mainly rest, tape from hardware store/tape up skylight, sponges, groceries, call Mom.
 Don't have enough dirty clothes to do laundry, but if I throw in sweaty sheets/Sons of Champlin sweatshirt that would make a load.
 Okay - - yest - two smoothies, bagel w/butter, pm PBJ. Another, call Mom, hardware store, laundry, sponges. Cool. Get it done, and rest.
 Oh, and every year I say Yoga - some chance of actually doing it? At least I look for local place. But where do I find time?
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 Sun Jan 1.2017 nm
 From dry/erase board:
 Marge/John
 Meditate
 Yoga
 Talking Heads Hi-8 movie
 Screen? (for slides)
 Thanks to Shirley for meat/cheese gift.
 Learn work cam
 Kitchen sponges
 Calendars
 Skylight
 Bank
 WEF hotel
.
 So today/tomorrow: bold stuff - calendars, sponges, bank, board/screen from art supply store, card for Shirley, call Mom, look into local yoga classes, hardware store good white (?) tape for skylight hole, ATM for cash.
 Sore throat not going away;  I see people talking about mild bug that hangs on for weeks - so make note, stay away from Gil, or at least let him know what's up, let him decide?
 Def no trip to coast, prob no trip to SR - take it easy, stay in bed, drink water, hot soup, let body rest up. Time in bed sounds good.
 Looking into eBay/Amazon Hi-8 sound projectors, they all seem slightly sketchy - rental would be ideal, instead of purchasing sight-unseen, being disappointed - set-ups that digitize are pricey - $800-$1K.
 Hmp - - if I do that list & enjoy my 3 days off, nothing more is required. Check in w/G&S if they need anything, and also just to say Hi!
 Sitting for hours at work, cottage & Nomad with legs crossed - I think that is not good. Get out and walk. Get some sweats?
 Everyday remind myself of what a great neighborhood, job, friends, etc I enjoy.
 Googled more - best bet for Hi-8 film is pay for pro transfer. Skip intimate JAA film. She disappeared completely after I sent scanned stills. One last time: I had asked her several time was it okay to email, sent her samples of both of us, warned her next batch would be more intimate, she said please send, so I did. So! - Assume nothing; do not assume she is upset. She is busy, not well, and I think her Mom's caretaker - plus, she is who she is - difficult/spoiled/non-committal (sound familiar?). So could just be she is busy > some day will - once more - email with apologies for silence. Meantime - wish her a Happy New Year, then leave it alone, There is no guessing where she's at.
 Get rid of metal Chinatown good luck mama rabbit?
 Very intimate shares from L. Line crossed I did not expect and surprisingly am okay with.
 K - IM'd/emailed everyone, Sooz/Gil/Eric that I have a bug, JAA Happy NY and that I'm digitizing 'Ed' film we did for Mike Henderson's film class, mentioned that I'm not digitizing our intimate film (or will I?). LR thanks for pics/send more. Etc.
 Now - calendar, bank etc.
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 Sat Dec 31.16 II and I
 'm sposed to feel something, but I know it's artificial. We all, past a certain point, do. I am far far more normal than abnormal. Really. Come one.
 Mainly sat around, online, floating heads, porn, hentai/guro, fending off pressure to *do something* or find new years *special* - but it's not , just another day. @6pm Sushi Ko - cold, had painfully deep shivers of type when sick - , Guy Fiere Grills food channel :-) - I find that shit ultra-entertaining -, chicken udon, sushies. 2 lg hot sakes. 1/2-priced book: Sherlock Holmes, 3CD Blues, Leonard ?? shot-stories.
 Now - post sushi - Talking Heads live - high - 8:17pm - bed - have said hi to everyone last 2 days - could drop in on Sooz, would like to meet G's bro, short 30min meet & greet - but non-essential. Maybe SRosa Mon/sushi/ See what's going on with my throat tomorrow morning - if sick stay away from G. Dang.
 2017... yoga.
 And stop gorging.
 Talking Heads. Blessed memories. Yes. Tomorrow will be a great day with many fun life-things.
 The right time will arise for GT slideshow - wait for it. Not too long, but wait!
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 Sat Dec 31.16
 Yes well - - Big Suck this year is Trump who not only disgraces the nation - or maybe he just confirmed how absolutely fucked we are - but seems entirely unprepared for the position. No one wants to perform at his inaugural. His supporters think he's an immature sociopath. Hopefully he will be forced out within first year and hapless buffoon Pense will be powerless to affect his crappy hateful worldview.
 Gil being ill, Sooz leaving, house trouble in UK - - none of it much fun. But I am good, denial protects me, as it must, from all uncertainty in life. Some have religious denial.
 Fri half day wk, check in w/G about visit, with Eric about sushi - G's weekend pretty busy, Bro visiting, so suddenly could do overnight to Bragg? It's sort of a tradition: Out early Sun, Mendo/Bragg ~noon, ~5hours on coast, MacKerricher, cheap hotel, Mon out early for a few hours at headlands > lv ~1:30pm for SR sushi w/E. Could. Have mild sore throat this morning, but otherwise okay, so prob from sucking down 4 smokes with G last night. Those smokes in garage are and always have been very cool times to talk/bond/share memories etc/music - - . Bought a pack of smokes @Albany liquor store along w/ice cream/Sapporo - traded Gil for his remaining pack of ~5. Worked.
 Anyway, had a good 2hr visit 7-9, BB bean/beef soup/bread dinner beforehand, brought them bags of jelly beans, a few beers for G&I, ice cream for freezer. Borrowed photo of Stacey's Dad she'd just received to photoshop into better quality. Got home > ate BB burrito w/chips.
 Ah - - was trying to remember what happened between getting home 2pm & leaving for G&S's @6pm.
 Looked through all Super-8 movies from 80s - first of all, set up heavy wooden shoe-holding shelves > projected onto white wall beneath art shelf - then checked & confirmed all are Super-8, so two projectors I bought from eBay useless. Found clip of X-Men house, Jerry & Gavin chasing Donnette into a pile of leaves, Marge/John Davis footage, AND 2nd of 3 sound rolls of GT at Berkeley Keystone ~1982 w/Nan doing Life in July - don't recall what else on it. So damn it, I need some hi-end film digitizing, or to buy a sound Super-8 projector > do best I can filming off a wall. That was an exciting moment - finding GT film - I now recall there were 3 rolls: Sleeping Through Heaven already digitized (unsatisfactorily), just re-discovered Nan roll, & 3rd with X-Men at Mabuhay Gardens, that I loaned to Donnette, and she claimed to have thrown out. "Because it's my band." Yeah, well.
 Memories - Good God.
 K - so - Fri: Sleep-in, half day 9-1, looked through Super-8 movies, price projectors, contact Gil & Eric about weekend visits, Lo traveling back from CHI memorial service, BerkB for berries/burrito/soup/eggs/hemp milk/jellybeans, etc, feeling good, rested, mentally clear - - 2 hour visit w/G&S.
 Today will be chill day - Sun-Mon? Dunno. Coast/Santa Rosa - -but might do short Sooz visit, and/or drop in on G&S for one hour to meet brother?
 Today - bank for cash. art board to project slides, look online for Suoer-8 sound film projector.
 Chill.
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