Mon Oct 23.17 nm
Very relaxing energizing weekend in Bragg/Mendo - chill vacation, in
beautiful location - Sat pm strolling south headlands during
drizzly overcast "sunset" dusk - Sun morning sunny white
After Sun hotel, MacKerricher, walk planks, barefoot down coast,
stop at blowhole for 30mins - video, stills - sent to L/N etc (after
my gentle encouragement, N sent another shower side selfie) ... fb
profile is close-up face in mirror photographing penis - 1980 - JAA
wrote I Love You on mirror - my expression intensely focused; share
uncropped version with a few friends, silly as it is - completes
profile pic joke haha.
Back through Bragg - headlands, sunny bright, rough surf, blue sky/ocean,
foliage colors extra saturated, loud rush roar of ocean - fantastic
- hated to leave - lunch box from grocery store, espresso from cafe
- zoom - easy drive home, relaxing, music - no pot - SR ~4:30, split
up cannabis (Harlequin & White, candies), check diff places
downtown, wind up at sushi - that was fine; after, one drink at bar
down street - his bday today - 61, Happy B-Day Eric! Talk about
seeing so many homes burned reminds us how easily all we 'own' could
disappear in an instant - ask ourselves what is its real value.
Easy drive home in dark, with! music in Sooz's car - thank you! Sleep
~10:30, sleep decent, up ~7:10. Getting those 8hrs in. Today at work
start prepping to support beta teams for training later this week.
Youg Robert selfie photo sharing is fun - just - stay sane - don't make
too much of it, or get addicted. Adult fun. That's all.
Sun Oct 22.17 I Bragg Hotel am
Sat - mainly overcast but nice, light breeze - surf low but rough
Fri pm sleep ~9, several cannabis infusions - tincture, flower,
bonbon - on top of being worn out, with those inducements, sleep
deep and serene - up ~5:30, shower, pack food clothes electronics,
lv 6:30 - dark when I left, brain tired - this coast trip is mainly
about resting my mind in a beautiful place - quiet, thank you.
Easy traffic all the way, no obvious fire damage on 101 near SR.
Cloverdale Starbucks, Boonville $6 double espresso (!?!- good,
though); apple orchard for dried apples, boxes and gourds photos,
friendly black kitty petting; Rock Store walk through; strolled
redwoods by river, not usual pullover spot - straight to headlands,
pretty rough low-tide surf, lots of video, laid down a shot while
overlooking water, meditated a bit - very good! Brain tired - not
using it too much - just doing stuff - sharing pics to Nur, K etc
Into town for Oddfellows Art Gallery, wifi cafe, cannabis - two 1/4s,
Harlequin, some stronger indica, candies. Bragg, hotel, raining! ~5
back to Mendo. couple hits of new indica - 1 would have been enough,
2nd hit was big; not bad - mainly relaxing - but too much - one hit
would be perfect. Wander south headlands high, overcast and gloomy,
mostly had it to myself - sound of ocean, soft light, vague traces
of yellow and pink in gray clouds. It was alright. Made me happy
to be alive - stripped down below society, training and my
personal memories etc, just a conscious entity in this existences.
Need that sometimes. Brass tacks.
Mendo General store for razor blades, salad bar, hot soup (yum!!),
chocolate bars, jelly beans -, - let them know I have munchies! It's
Mendocino for fucks sake. Jelly beans on drive back to Bragg in
nighttime rain, soup, salad, chocolate bar at hotel - Duke Nuk'em
videos, hit of Harlequin, sleep ~9 - think I slept decently till ~6.
IM w/K & N - K leaving for barc w/Xo tomorrow - PayPal'd ~$1.4K which
equals $1K pounds. Keep it simple. That will help with Xo's plane
ticket, hotel, meals etc. I've been pretty good with finances - can
do $1.3K car insurance + help K with barc = still have baseline 50+.
Cool. I like how this went, this was a good time to do it - we'd
discussed it, but not amounts etc - we both been busy - time comes,
she's leaving tomorrow, I'm all rested and meditated out, morning
Bragg hotel w/coffee - had my smoothie - send her the $$ for Xo -
now, shower, pack and whatever the fuck I want - this is more about
chill than taking every opportunity to hang by ocean - it's there,
air is cool and clean - morning sun bright!!
Sips of hotel coffee. Nice. Healthy mideast salad in fridge. Walk
headlands some more.. sushi with Eric on way home. Thank you Sooz
for the car - I love her, I love you, it makes a huge difference in
Sat Oct 21.17 Cloverdale Starbucks
Fri Alex called in sick, my computer broke.. etc.. morning busy, so
slowed down afternoon, 10hr day, closed.. work got slow in afternoon
yay - tired, but no plans for weekend, booked Bragg hotel ~$80 -
that's ~3-4hrs pay - ; budget was looking good, but I forgot to
include auto insurance subtraction, there goes ~$1300 - gah!! Alost
2x as much as for Siouxie. But I don't mind, she's a great car.
Concerned I'd be too tired to enjoy coast overnight -
- brief meditation/sitting nap on BART helped, straight to Bowl for fruit,
eggs, sandwich etc. Remade bed, pulled down suitcase & food cooler -
cannabis chocolate, tincture etc - shower - bed ~9, slept good till
~5am, right on. Pack food/clothes, make pbj, pillow, blender - lv
~6:30am. ~8:30 now.
Driving past SRosa & Geyserville, no sign of last week's fire - no
slowdowns, smoke, burned trees nor debris - weird.
Fri I sent Nmm two hillside nudes by ShelleyB, close-up on bits -
@wk she sent distracting (more fun if there's a purpose, such as to
distract) pic of back/side similar, almost exactly, as I'd shown in
drawing. Beautiful soft light, every hillock, valley, curve and
slope. Brown skin overlaid muscles/bone. Beautiful.
So that's cool & fun; I'm being careful not to make more of it than that.
We're adults, in diff countries; it is good to do this sharing.
Almost daily hellos - I think it's okay. Just now, sent her 2nd 1979
selfie, after sitting hippie hard smile niuce pic, shot a darker
more serious one against wall. The Two Roberts: cnflict between
niceness, and sexual desire.
Feeling okay - enough sleep, enough food (snacking way to much at
Triple cappuccino and scone - pee and leave.
Doing what I want.
I catch myself asking if what I'm doing is bad.
Maybe more focus on if what I'm doing is good.
Focus on reward instead of punishment.
Carrot instead of stick.
Thu Oct 19.17 nm
Overcast, getting cooler - sleeping in sweatshirt/Mexican drawstring
hippie pants, comfy - bed is comfy. Luxurious with 5 pillow, layers,
Mendo quilt - time soon to bust out Nan's heavier quilt and/or
comforter. Soft morning light through skylight - skylight is one of
my favorite things - beautiful light changing throughout day,
Catching up at work, start practicing 1 hr/day on updated app... most of
Dallas training was how to train - I should be able to get my head
around app reasonably easily?
Shared b&w porn gif - woman standing up off cock - w/3 friends, wondering
about appeal - mesmerizing - 2 said 'eh'! L liked it. Interesting.
Now back off that stuff for a bit - cool off - don't let sex
dominate - it gets boring; being an interesting person, thoughts,
discussion more important to all.
I almost miss going into work early, and getting off when there's light -
back to 10-6:30 - but soon it'll be dark at 5, then 4 - so - enjoy
my light mornings. Many things have gone my way, from low rent, to
skylight, work hours with free mornings, training at work taking me
out of the daily production, upgrades keeping it from getting stale.
Cool shit, yes - and being trainer forces me to get comfortable with
lots of human contact, public speaking - being single lead trainer
on West Coast is nuts - but there you go.
Finished another Leonard - Pronto - fun stuff!
Payday Fri - look into Mendo weekend again - are Monte Rio cabins
down to $100 yet? Maybe a salt point visit?
Tues Oct 17.17 hm 6pm
Dept head Jeff left in August
I did 4 day Jazz Blues mid Sept
Week I got back morning guy Randy Dad ill, days off
Afternoon guy Culi sick 2 of those days
So I open/alone 2-3 days - with temp to train (Sheba)
Future hold Dallas trip to retrain for major app update
But Randy on vacation 10 days, so whole training load is one me
10 days I open 7am and mostly alone (temps not much help)
Some trainings in there
I go to Dallas 4 days (Randy gone 3 of those days)
Now it's over - Mon/today photos/train 16 new hires
Haven't done facepages since Aug - got most done this afternoon -
Big fire up in Santa Rosa area.
Anyway - dept head departure (2nd in 8 months) disruptive, then people
out, temp to train, Dallas trip etc - been a bit time -consuming;
snuck in a Mendo/Bragg weekend - I'm doing whole West Coast update
beta teams support, no change in compensation/title. Okay - what the
fuck. It's a good job. But don't kill myself. Still my own man,
earned that after 17yrs. I do good. Not just the few hours of
training, but getting to work on time, my diet, calling Mom, no bad
vices. I can do it. I can do life. Yay.
Sooz calling in a bit -
Sun long IM with NMM - full story of Gringo.
Sent pic Caroline Wong took of me Berkeley morning ~1977/78 - eye contact,
shared with a few, they liked it - intimate eye contact. Nice.
Sharing youthful sexuality, as deeply painfully confusing as it was
back then, now it brings pleasure - this is healing - it's so long
ago, distance makes it not-confusing and fun. Cool. I harbor
vulnerable reservations and shame(?), but I think really, lucky to
be able to share with a few internet friends, as a semi-public
figure, as photographer, (responsible, intelligent) creator of viral
Frida with gun, Scott Miller photographer.
Leaving up private nude/other fb photo page, deleted ~100 people who
rarely or never commented, and not posting anymore, but leaving it
there as a record of cool event. There was an interest in my
photography after Scott died - one of first pics uploaded was Real
Nighttime cover - still like that! - , I think my motivation was
more something to do in the wake of suicide trauma - then Gil
died... I dunno, those photos to some degree are who I am - I
brought my best self to my art, most intelligence, skill,
self-confidence and integrity - so sharing that, - maybe in some way
- I'm letting many people see what, up till then, mostly only my
closest friends, like Gil & Scott, and in past Donnette, saw. They
saw that I had something going on. I took a chance and showed a lot
of my work - not just my 'best'. Cool. If I get booted for another 2
weeks - - that's a chance I consciously taking.
K - readjusted Agenda on today's ppt training. See if I get any feedback.
Get to sleep in tomorrow. Back to routine. Oh, yes.
Sun Oct 15.17 nm
Trying to adjust sleep post Dallas - sleep ~10, up @5, back to sleep till
8 - tried for 9, but eh!
Remembered 2 dreams:
1.) At work shirtless in baggy tied hippie pants, jobs not done were done
by others - no one seemed to even notice I was shirtless. Seemed a
little more like Davis Craft Center. Good memories about that place:
tool counter, darkroom access (filched paper/film of course), and
Jane). Scot and ALRN.
2.) WEF, authority lady asks me to come with her into bldg, I comply
good-naturedly - she says someone complained about a hostile
attitude (?), I kept asking for details, what I did - I complain
that naturally I'm annoyed by not being informed of what I did, and
my annoyance will be used against me as hostility. Several people
come and go, brief chats - after chatting with passerby (?), I find
myself alone, fuck it - leave room, down hall, out of bldg, into
dark UCD WEF Quad - dark, last bands have played... look for a place
to park bike...
Sounds like big changes at work, not being told what's going on, having to
hide annoyance are impacting.
Maybe work on finding an away-from-work space so it is not dominant and
Email to sibs saying I am safe, all respond with thanks and details of own
Talk to Mom for long time - hour? News about work, Dallas, fires etc.
Sat Mainly weary, chill - mid-afternoon Shattuck sushi - mediocre,
even chicken udon - find someplace else - w/tip, udon, dragon roll,
sake = $50. For that I ought to enjoy it a lot more - sake was $20
for small bottle & less than nothing special. Pegasus
bookstore/groceries on way home -
Keeping in touch with Eric who's close to fire's edge and massive death
Today, big laundry. Would dig to walk, Tilden or even Olampoli, but bad
air, and requests that highways be kept clear for responders.
One of my Frida friends who I barely know but send the old selfies to
asked if maybe we could meet someday - said I seemed nice and she
likes me art - I don't want to fuck with someone's emotions who
sounds lonely; told truth, I'm comfortable sharing my young self so
long as she enjoys that, but I'm introverted, never have met any
internet friends face-to-face; so not ruled out but would depend on
circumstances. Seemed okay at end, but this morning an IM saying she
hoped I was not offended. Hmm.
NMN knew each other bit through our fb pages, each other's
art/paintings/Fridas, before we shared last June's vacation photos
in real-time (as well as my youthful selfies, and her unexpected
bathtub legs), but this other woman, she knows me through my page,
but I know virtually nothing about her. So not as comfortable.
Learned my lesson w/Lynn R & Lindy D, don't play cute with sex and
emotions, words have power. It is easier for me, as a man, to keep
them separate. Not that I am unaffected.
Eric checked in - he's okay - but Saraj's house 80% burned.
Checked in with Buzznet Bonny - she is having it tough, with relationship
problems, brother murdered, hurricane hitting her fam in PR - she
appreciated that I wished her well.
My life is good and easy, even exciting right now - enjoy it while I got
it - the cottage, Buff and DJ, Bain - dream life - I got it
for free - my trials may likely come and I'll wish for these days
again. This, too, will pass - bad and good both. Don't be cocky, or
think I'm special - I just got lucky. Appreciate that luck. Help
friends in need. Don't over-do it with distance acquaintances to
shine a lit on myself - like Saraj. Karen/Xo are family - keep an
eye on those nearest and dearest.
Mom, Karen, Eric, etc.
K - phew - Training in Dallas was more intense than expected, I got
knocked down a peg - stuff about app I didn't know - updates I need
to learn, including training/presenting skills. Do best I can and
all will be well.
I thought I wanted things I did not want - lots of anonymous sex with
random women. That is a healthy physical activity. I also wanted
emotional connection. I enjoy women. My body/mind/cock wanted it,
but it's not for everyone, esp not w/my religious upbringing (tho I
played and experimented as much as possible). Be grateful for many
naked women I got to spend hours with creating images combining
sexual desire with visual tactics and beauty ( as well as lovers).
All that nudity is a great gift to both of us, as was Game Theory,
friendships, etc etc. I got what I wanted and needed.
I have natural Irish gloominess + cloud of parents' suffering. But aside
that my life is excellent, I am happy. At 63 my mother is alive.
Just have to buck myself up every day, like most (?) people.
Weekly calls to Mom make her day, and mine, too.
Life is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
1991 Jenni L
Sat Oct 14.17 nm
End of a long few weeks/months: grief (and body pain) over Gil, no dept
head at work, Randy on 10-day vacation, 1-day LA trip controversy,
Dallas trip to learn upgrades. new training style. Etc. End of that
period. Good. Feeling a bit more relaxed, like myself - I need time
to grieve - haven't had it last couple months - . Want some quiet
time outside work to be in my life.
But - don't talk about to much - death is a normal part of everyone's life
- when someone asks how I am, to say death of a friend casts a
shadow is self-centered - we all have that, we are all bummed born
knowing this will end. I'm fine. Actually, compared to so many, my
life is really blessed - thousands of homes burned up north,
probably hundreds dead - burned to death for fuck's sake.
I'm good, thanks. How are you?
Trip to Dallas went well - kind of intense - this training set the
goal - we will all learn at diff paces, all have different
skills and personalities - shy, hyper, outgoing, etc - no one
expects us to get good in an afternoon. Note I say we - already I
see us AMER trainers as a group. We are all on the spot. And then we
are also sposed to train folks in other offices, and keep an eye on
them,, manage them? Seems a bit much! But, I have been
getting a bit bored, repetitive training, keeping it interesting for
myself by funking it up - so this is good timing and a blessing. All
N sent nice pics to "distract me" during training, and we discussed
boundaries, needs, pressure, etc - feels better now.
20yrs ago I was in jail for night, a DUI, deeply depressed, everything
(marriage, car, job, self esteem) lost, bottomed out, knowing I
would never be a teacher - now I am. Nice hotels, big meals, UBER
around town, all expenses paid; my big personality and
insecurities (which we all have!!) not stopping me from doing
and keeping this cool job.
Anyway - lots of smoothies - no trips north because of fires - Jane An tee
checked in through friend at evacuee shelter - but her house likely
gone (?), Eric getting smoked out by likely out of immediate danger,
Saraj's house probably gone but don't know yet - we can continue to
Air was bad, seems better today.
Sent email to sibs that I'm okay.
No plans today - rest, call Mom, groceries, laundry, yard - chill - normal
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Tues Oct 10.17 Dal hotel 10:07pm
Slept decent, up ~7, UBER'd early, couldn't find me, hotel guy
drove me - cool - $5 tip - , good breakfast - long day of training
videotaped a minute, I thought was not terrible - learning some
things - heard my 'um's, hand in pocket, waving glasses around - but
not bad - could slow down a bit. Practiced with 2 others, took a few
times, and good feedback, and did okay. Gonna be more training to be
certified, and maybe train other - LA(?) - folks to train the new
Core style. Saw some real obscure complex stuff I did not know
(Which I did not like) - by end tired, emotional, slightly
overwhelmed - but worked through most - back to hotel briefly - Uber
to other hotel, walk to good Argentine dinner - one cocktail which I
sipped, that was fine. Small talk, then women got to chatting loud
and I manly hung back. Everyone is overworked, I/we are no alone,
and other offices have even less capacity, fewer GFX folk, more
people to support than SF.
Big fired in norcal, Santa Rosa big news - keeping in touch with
All good - naturally I'm anxious, no one likes to be judged or hear
criticism - but it's an opportunity to learn! It took a while to
become a decent trainer - I can do this, and remember the Jail cell
- Jan 7.1997 - I was so damned sad, that I would never be a teacher.
This is a gift. Work on it. Do not betray my gift, and the loving
support from Karen, Gil, Eric and other friends, who were thrilled
and impressed that I turned my life around. I'm doing good. Wrestle
with my demons. Do not be embarrassed by my emotions. Embrace
change, embrace this opportunity. Tracey is a pro trainer - learn
from her. Only a fool would walk way from this -
- if I want job security, this is it. High value Resource indeed.
Mon Oct 9.17 hotel bed DAL 9:42pm
Sun pm Mideast salad/Vietnamese soup - simple pack, clothes mainly,
toiletries, shower - feeling good, Slept decent - no doubt helped my
mental goodness and beautiful 7mile Reyes stroll (good food,
exercise, human contact - goodness) - , up ~5:45 - 10am flight, lv
~6:30 - easy BART, reading Elmore Leonard, always good. Pretty easy
getting through security - tho I forgot I was wearing watch! "I
don't usually wear it!" Cannabis way illegal in TX, take Advils, CBD
candies - arm seems to be feeling better tonight - but not pushing
Internet/K IMs & sushi/coffee/raspberry scone at SFO. Easy getting
on plane etc - big difference between flying down day of event vs
day before. Window closed, music, eye-shades, inflatable pillow the
whole way. Found decent earphones in Reyes parking lot - plastic
hooks hold buds in ears - used them. SuperCalifragile is eh! but -
such a great thing, heartfood.
Dallas airport cabs would not take voucher - hmp! - paid cash - sign
in - get room - pay for internet - take first UBER to Dealy Plaza -
walk all around, explore, sit, take photos - ice cream cone at
museum store - smaller than it looks/feels in photos. Hot! Good
weather tho - UBER drivers friendly - prob there an hour? UBER back
to hotel. Walk to CVB(?) for phone charger cord - hang in room - IM
Lo. downstairs for chicken sandwich/vodka margarita - bill to room.
Whatever. Just do it. Keeping all my receipts.
Posted Dealy photos to primary page from secondary page. Showered.
Almost 10 - alarm set for 7 - pillow case from home. Big fires
around Sonoma/Santa Rosa - Saraj may have lost home?!? Bad smoke in
All good - this is like an all-expense-paid vacation - totally -
training, meals, UBERS. Cool.
Keep head down and do my job. Something good is coming. Something
good is here. I miss Gil. Call Stacey soon.
Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:10pm
Left ~10:15 for Reyes - stop in Nicasio to chat w/Mike exchange books -
brought food, sushi, sandwiches, apple - 7 mile Divide Meadow to Sky
& down Wittenberg - ~6-7 miles - perfect day/weather! Sunny warm,
light breeze, late summer beginning of Autumn low shadows - Mom
called 1/2 way up hill to say look for park pictures in photo albums
she sent - I thought call from Mom might be emergency - no - just
her wanting contact - emotional emergency - start calling 2x a week
- she says she likes hearing about our childhood memories - think
about them for her. She is reaching out. Worried?
Easy drive home. Good way to spend day.
Week time-out from facebook a good thing - can't be in touch with people
during say, away from laptop. Hmm. Break feels good. Hmm.
So pack - BART to airport - easy - just clothes, and work laptop. No
blogging - unless I email myself stuff.
Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:07pm after Reyes walk phone notes:
"Note to self here is my note to self it feels like a lot of my life has
been making up for my past getting the things I didn't happen I was
young building up confidence where I have none getting things like
friends in a good job in the drive in income just enjoying the
things I need join like being I can be nature and bean okay with
myself and so I can let go about doing things to make up for past
pain doing things out of the century 7 is not working anymore that's
what feels to satisfactory just enjoy doing the things I need joy
for sure enjoyed it and also take care of business I want to come to
my personal jobs ron if you taking care of your friends and family
and taking care of your responsibilities sena nothing you decide to
do 100 recreation yeah there's no need question I love you"
"Fort Bragg I eat plants/v v ytt vb v vb gt made from sunshine I have
lived in the sun sunshine my whole life the Sun the ocean the air
it's tallcv in mvv Grubb tb w e w force e it's up to me to be my own
Sunshine the sunsb hamburger b chauvinism vvb vrview. Vb vm . Ru
hine that Sparkles and tickles my senses is another thing it's like
food feels great but it's all in me also I did not fail to save
gills life everybody dies is not a failure its normal Finchvr N
tt:cannonball u g I By"
Sun Oct 8.17 nm
Sleep ~10 - up @4:40? dropper of CBD/THC tincture - back till ~7:20 -
decent sleep, but maybe some pot grogginess from tincture? Either
way, dress, pack food, pbj, apple, salad etc - Pt Reyes - 7 mile?
Could. All I got to do tonight is put some clothes in a suitcase.
Training stuff, flight/hotel info in bag w/laptop - how to get to
SFO? UBER or BART.
Not very mobile right now - but don't want to sit around in town all day -
no - 8:30 now - leave at 9, morning stroll - nice. Could always do
Sky trail or even 5 Brooks - decide later. Could do Olampoli, then
backroads - always nice - many choices - but a standard 5-7 miles
Bear-Sky always beautiful esp this time of year. Tire me out so
sleep well tonight. Nice.
4 easy days in TX - I get hyper/over-stimulated around groups. Try not to
draw attention to myself, and don't drink! Deep breath. Step outside
for fresh air as necessary. No talking to younger woman
flirtatiously/charmingly as if I'm still 30. I'm an old man to them
- 63 - old - no sexual interest, no charm - they do not want it.
Relax, I'll be fine.
2 days off all to myself. Like all workers - work hard, rest refresh on
weekend, back to work. We working-class types all same, but I work
at a good place, friendly, relatively cool bosses, lots of perks,
free food & drink, time to do own work on company machinery
(scans/video), not to mention people-people clients and lovely
I'm intelligent - but not that sharp, partially because I lack
self-confidence, assume I'll have trouble, shut down a bit and learn
slowly from within, learn from doing - like they all say they do!.
But I do learn, get enjoy done, excel(!). We all learn our own ways,
I say that to trainees, say it to myself - fact that I learn my own
way does not mean I'm dumb or dull - just means I learn my own way,
and am intelligent. Yay. See! I'm smart enough - earn to trust
It's all good. A great challenge - I learn app, job, also learn to trust,
respect, love, enjoy, understand myself more. Do it.
Now - fresh air and sunshine. Cool!
Sat Oct 7.17 home 7:45pm
After nm, ~noon BB salad in yard - yum! - yeh, perfect life - beautiful
weather! Call Mom for ~1hr - IM'ing w/Nur - Bank for quarters, first
walk to chocolate gelato cone walking to book store, slice of NY
pizza pepperoni/onions/pineapple walking back to car - bank closed
2pm, not 3, on Sat - no quarters. Clean garbage out of Cammie, fill
Looks like she needs other fluids replenished - power steering and
Sit at home - chill out man, rest the body soul and mind - ~4 nap stick,
whap! out for a deep dreaming hour w/door open. Walk to Bowl, stop at
dispensary for hi CBD candy & tincture. Is it bullshit, is it
placebo? Not sure - but - checking it out. Dropper full of 3:1
tincture - not feeling a thing. Wake up baby - you're wasting money
on a mindfuck. Buy a pretty medallion and meditate on that.
Chop more off pile of orange-flowered vines on trunk so not on street and
won't hit mirrors. Vietnamese soup & bread dinner - yummy! Got salad/sushi/sandwich/apple for
Reyes tomorrow - don't *have* to do Reyes - Choice between doing
what will leave me rested for trip to Dallas vs. what I love and
will take my mind off work and make me feel good. well, do 5 miles,
stroll, sit, enjoy. Whatever - 7 if I'm feeling wild! Haven't gone
through Dallas stuff - might be leaving that all got the last
Arm pain comes and goes at unusual times - movements - now - shower, high,
videos, Duke Nuk'em 3D walkthroughs! Be here now. Kiss the joy as it
Sat Oct 7.17 nm 8:45am
oh yum - I am reminding myself that it has been along two weeks, new AC
photos & training, LA VC training, Randy out (and Jeff quit so 3
instead of 5 staff), open 7am every day, not knowing what to expect
job-wise, multi-day visio-to-ppt job etc - I am tired - not single
mother with 2 jobs tired, - but a bit worn - Dallas next week -
that'll be fine, but it'd be ideal to be fresh.
Sleep ~10 last night - Stilton+bread snack! :-D - woke ~5:30, forced
myself to stay in bed regardless - comfy - slept again till ~8am -
~10hrs - a good start. Mind feels better - rested. Easy today - prep
Dallas stuff - quarters - bit of yard work - Sun
maybe 5-7-mile Reyes - something I enjoy, that's healthy &
healing for me. Did Mendo coast & sushi w/Eric last
Posted 1st nude polaroid of Jenni to private page - someone finked? Why
otherwise do they care about private pages? It's perverse! Blocked
for a week - not a big prob except it also blocks Messenger IMs -
that *could* be an issue - but! - I only got this phone in what?
March? Did w/out IMs before that - I'll be fine.
Facebook break is good - no pain - no prob. I'm there for the IMs really,
yeah. Can't change private page to 'me only'; removing people
1-by-one - but feel okay about it this time - 3-day time-out ~2
weeks ago - thought of ending group hurtful/sad, now maybe had time
for it idea to sink in. It was great. Peak experience. Now it's over
- so it's okay to let go. I'll still be able to see it and enjoy the
threads. A classy end.
Among other things, it started after Scott died, there was an interest in
his friends, collaborators, my photos outside band shots - the Photo
Robert mythos: The Nudes - curiosity, of course - lots of people
knew I shot nudes (including maybe of band members!?), it was part
of Scott/ Davis/ Game Theory history - for some small groups:, Gil,
art friends, Scott fans - there was small by significant interest.
It worked out well for me, to show my best work - 'See? I'm good!' - ,
them mediocre, then stuff I just like, fills in the cracks, here was
my oeuvre, my body of work. And ~250+ people - maybe a hard core of
~150 saw, enjoyed and commented on them. So fucking cool for me. I
am fortunate indeed. I found courage to show them, class not to
defend them - let them sink or swim on their own - to see value of
People met - my network, momentarily held together by Scott grief.
Then Gil grief - tho I haven't posted much since Jan.
"I'll be hiding this page probably end of day today - have a last look,
download your faves etc etc - it's been a great run, thanks for all
the comments etc - as a creative type, this has been a peak
Time to let go and move on.
New fancy touch-screen laptop for DAL. Visit Dealy Plaza Mon after hotel?
With my 17 yrs experience it ought to go fine.
Thurs After-work Chinatown stroll watching Blue Angel stunts close
above - got SF vest, grabbed large, she said, no, extra large. Oh.
Small is children, medium slender adult, large normal adult,
ex-large plump adult - that is me - I am not slender. Not obese tub
of lard, but big. So okay. Let go. Accept. I walk a lot. Eat pretty
healthy (snack, tho). Been having great digestion lately, wonder if
bowl of sugar-coated wheat checks & yogurt is helping?
DJ recording w/Mimi Fox and also working at Unitarian place - busy!
So - all okay? Harlequin from Mendo working well, should have got more.
Couple Advil/day (plus CBD candies) seem to be helping left upper arm
muscle (?) pain - did some visualization this morning (make pain
dark blue and let it sep out, replaced by pink then white); I felt
whole body relax as I did this. Last couple weeks had trouble
getting arm comfortable in bed, night and morning - that seems to be
better, and more mobility, reaching back left in bed to turn off
lamp. working on it.
Okay: Gil dead. Sooz in Oregon. Karen in UK. Less facebook, no phone IM,
no private photo page. I've been withdrawn (in pain, sensitive)
since Gil died - that has affected Buff/DJ interactions - work
on letting go and being more with them - it's more fun for all of
Call Stacey about lunch today? Call Mom.
Life is good. It's always been understood that all things pass. This, too,
All love. Bring all love into me. All peace and headlining. Think
positive. Life is good. I am fortunate in so many ways.
And many people who I think of as friends of sorts - people I would help
if they called upon me, who might do same for me - Fred, Dave, Nan,
Donnette, Dan, Joe - not proper friends - but shared experiences and
maybe good friends in the past.
Wed Oct 4.17 laundry 5:45pm
Next Mon fly to Dallas - food hotels networking learning
challenges etc - cool - be happy - this is a good life - it's what I
wanted and more - hippie cottage, yard, artsy housemates, friends,
health, relationship with Mom etc.
Reminded Buff/trunk key location is to move Cammie on street-sweeping day.
Mon did 15 photos welcome flyers, Tues train 15 ACs 9-12 -
I was a tiny bit concerned because they were mainly women, nice
looking smart young women - but I forgot all about it once training;
think it went well. Tired when I got home - sitting, phone rang, had
forgot about Sooz call! haha - drink remaining Brandy - a bit tipsy,
talked about lots of stuff. Her upcoming surgery, yard, deaths,
suicide, me getting my head around Gil's dying, death, death of
retirement fantasy, keeping head down and doing job to keep job.
There is no end.
Getting through jobs, tomorrow/Thurs focus on Dallas prep -
bring files - get updated laptop - fancy new one w/touch screen.
Uber to SFO - keep track. Keep track of all expenses in organized
way. Little black book? How? Clipped together by date?
Sleeping somewhat better - taking Advil, noticed more flexibility and less
pain this morning. Still there, some restricted movement -
left arm can't reach up behind back - les time and mental energy for
IM'ing w/K, & L, nor Nur. But hope to get refocused after all this
mess and Randy back at work etc.
K - laundry prob dry - when it gets like this, at work - sometimes it's
easy and I can slide through, and sometime it feels like it's my
whole life. Okay - but - I hated Big Shot, yet it allowed me
to shoot, develop, print my own nudes/art stuff and also band pics,
including back cover of BSC etc etc. It worked for me. I didn't hate
the work maybe - but did dislike boss - tho others told me there was
way worse. Okay okay. Poor bastard. I'm no angel. So much film,
polaroid film, scans of Becky naked - Beate, DJ others - made it my
own party pad, nighttime drinking, snorting, massaging Becky.
K - life is good, I'm coming out of my post Gil-death funk - Mendo weekend
helped - think of it as therapy, get that hotel, maybe a third day
now and then.
Mon Oct 2,17 hm 6:45pm
Sun after Bragg cafe & MacKerricher, gas up, stroll north from lot
to headlands, windy but very nice, blue bright ocean a deep
green-blue - oh, yeah! - dispensary for Harlequin & other hi-CBD
flower/1-10 & 1-1 candies, tho I feel basically nothing from, them -
they're magic - placebo - lv town ~2:45, msg Eric, ez drive, SR
~4:45m chat, pizza place on corner we've been wanting to try closed
shot down - eh!? - try TV show Guy Fieri (?) - American versions of
Asian/Mexican etc foods - big portions, couple mixed drinks - e not
into it at first, but relaxed/came around - maybe helped I had
resolved some stuff in Mendo, about getting real about "retirement'
and death etc. Early 60s existential crisis somewhat resolved in the
I know I'm going to die. We all are.
I know retirement is not the fantasy lifestyle promised on childhood TV.
At work, keep head down and do your job. I am not special. I am not owed
Drive home easy - didn't get to sleep till 10:30 - not much juice, brain
half asleep still - quick nap at home, Rockridge my new boring
middle class sterile sushi & groceries place - sushi boat $25 &
berries from faux upscale corner mart.
Photos of 15 new hires this morning - no juice during or after - sleep has
been spotty, last night was okay - but maybe shoot for 8-9hrs
tonight, after shower.
Tues short hours 'cause Randy gone 2 weeks, 8-11 - I train 9-12. Go
in at 8, but could do 7 if I'm inclined to leave early, do laundry,
Dishes, shower, bed 8:30 - sleep 9:30 - let's do this.
Sun Oct 1.17 Headlands cafe 11am
No sense trying to recall roaming Mendo day - msg'ing pics to NMM all day,
Odd fellows gallery, nice stuff, too windy on coast to hang much,
eat & nap in car at main lot, quick visit to north headlands -
actually very nice, low tide, beautiful - sunny all day, not
overcast as weather page implied, wispy wind blown clouds - art
Center on way back, groceries: lunch buffet, Odwalla, sandwich,
conditioner, Advil (for arms).
Bragg, galleries, tattoo museum, hotel - chill 2hrs - head unwinding all
day - not bad tho, just tired brain - ~6:30 back to Mendo for 7pm
sunset - couple hits of Gil's remaining bud - great stuff, no mental
high, but visuals better - simple sunset on south headlands - wander
quite a bit, finally make it to good head space, happy, fulfilled,
enjoying where and what I am - grateful. Sit in car long time,
crossed leg, Mendo dark chocolate bar as evening falls and horizon
glows - yes, good, so long as I can feel that good, that much
pleasure, then I'm okay.
Internet till ~10pm, sleep till ? then Snooze, thwacking noise on roof -
up~6, snooze/sleep till 8:30 - smoothie, cheese crackers, hotel
coffee, shower, pack out ~10.
MacKerricher - sunny, windy but not bad at all! Lovely. Stroll wood path
till end, south to back path through pine grove, double back to
coast, north to inner wood path - barefoot -
- concluded: I am taking wrong message from Gil saying he worked too long
- only quit when situation calls for it! Like if you're dying. My
job is good and has many benefits - change is good, life is change -
challenges are good, keep life from getting stale. New hub-spoke
will present a challenge, I will be working with more talented
people, but I will have skills and experience above others:
training, themes, vid edit, photoshop, etc. It will balance out.
This is reality. Vacation is not reality, life decisions should not
be based on that experience. Vacation is release from work pressure
- release is pleasurable. It's where you're at, not where you are.
Thought it all through - choose my battles: I have no fight with
work, Taf, Jeff, Iain etc - they are doing their jobs and are gone.
Same as Dad No value in re-fighting those old dead fights, beating
that dead horse. 1-day LA trips battle was won by me fair and
square. Now let go. No one is coming for me. Don't fight. Don't hold
onto resentments because I had to fight. Old. Tomorrow is another
day. Start anew. Clean slate. Life is hard. There will be fights.
After the fight - let go. Randy is an optimist, I am a skeptic, we
are both right ~50% of the time. Let it go. Hell is other people.
Blackbean burrito & coffee at Headlands. Now to Mendo coast, then home.
Life is good. yes, Say it! Life is good. Death is in it. Death is part of
life. I was not here - now for a brief moment I am in this form,
molded by this society, they told me what to dream, how to rebel,
what arguments to have - let go, break free, use whatever tricks are
necessary. Even religion, maintaining my right to healthy
Feeling better - all the parts fit - it's not always easy to let go and
not be resentful, but I know it's best when I can.
Work stuff is not my fault, or my responsibility to fix - do the best I
can and keep my head down. This is a great job. 1.5 more years and I
can retire, keep my job, and have Medicare. Life moves on.
Life is change. Get on it.
Sat Sept 30.17 Boonville
Booked room, got Uber, got everything under control - Nomad closed @7:15,
coffee/bathroom in Cloverdale, espresso/cinnamon roll in bville,
mental state not bad, some unraveling of course, but mainly good
perspective - re work: do my job and keep my head down - new
organization, centralized hub-spoke, work may get more intense, less
direct contact with people I'm doing jobs for (if working for other
offices) - may need enhances job skills - will presumably still be
doing training, photos, themes - all seems do-able -
- missing Nomad was good, got out earlier than usual, which is what I
really wanted, no traffic, low morning sun - beautiful 128 drive -
breathing into it - bringing on serenity - fresh air, sunshine,
green and tan rolling hills, tree-shaded smooth roads.
K in LON under terrible stress, sad about S&G.
Gils death is existential crisis for me - not only confronted finally by
death, seeing it happen, not being able to stop it - throwing money
at death is nothing - throwing it at life makes our living moments
better, more fulfilling, meals, sushi memories. And his words "I
should have quit work earlier." burn, feed resentment. So - Gil's
death slap, and - at same time slowly acknowledging that I will work
till I die, I will likely not retire, that was a dream sold us to
keep us working hard. Then retirement age arrives and boom - we knew
it all along - bullshit. They painted a dreamy gray-haired white
people in a beach house, and it was an illusion we, I clung to. Here
is reality. work till you die or live in poverty of a trailer park.
Okay. There is not win. Maybe Eric & I can do a thing. Or move back to WV
to be near sibs. Might have to do that. Reality.
10:30 - fucking beautiful day - web said windy, cloudy coast - valley is
windy and clear/sunny.
Thank you Sooz for the car - Ariel? Sooz II?
Illusions dissolve - but a trip to the coast is worthwhile always, bring
food with me to keep expense mainly to coffee, gas, hotel - good.
Fri Sep 29.17 hm 7:55m
7am W-F, not bad, a bit zombified, but getting used to it, and work not
too busy. Also, I'm finding getting out, home early has advantages -
sushi Wed pm, groceries -
- checked hotel prices, thought about timing - $115 now - down to $76
later in winter - I get $200+ meals for Eric & I - spend some on
myself! Once I booked room I was happy, I want it so bad I could cry
- miss my friend: coast, who I am there - happiness, peace,
enjoyment. Don't care if it rains and cold - fuck it - Bragg &
Mendo, yes. BB for berries, NE clam chowder dinner - mmm.
Work stuff worked out - over nights if I do LA, VidConf training do-able
in a big way - still awaiting feedback -, DAL flight/hotel booked,
signed up for UBER tonight - that should make Dallas easier - maybe
for SFO? Got info for I need to do before trip - laptop with new
app, bring pre-made slides to update - cab voucher. A sense of being
myself, standing up for myself, being a cog - sure - but not being
pushed around, an important cog, to be respected, not bullied.
Iain called mtg to discuss upcoming changes - regional north Am network,
hub and spoke - interesting! After we chatted about the LA vid conf
training, that was a good conversation. Friendly. Good to clear the
Lots of balls in air - now things are done and I feel less afraid, next
week before Dallas trip might not be good for overnight Mendo -
maybe more Sonoma& Sat sushi w/Eric? Maybe this weekend drive
down coast Sun.
Anyway - I feel good enough - have food - have been getting up early -
laundry next week.
This is a good sign: Mendo, wanting to give myself this gift, perspective
on $120, the pleasure and healing I get from it. Oh, baby. Look into
some decent indica. Walk around Headlands oh yeah.
IMd w/K about helping with holiday visit, maybe helping with Xo's plane
ticket when TED sends her to Barc. I'm @ 54, so can help, dollar
strong so bad imbalance, but what matters matters.
IMs w/NMM about her new painting, pics of Embarcadero view, drawing.
Missing Gil - so sad. And still struggling a bit to regain sense of
staying put being good - desire to run, to not work forever - yeah -
we all get that - and you do your best to make peace with the
system, and accept that my situation is still VERY fortunate, with a
good job and low rent in the Bay Area - and it could end any time.
This breath is all I have - there is no past, and no future - past
is a memory, future is a dream - this is good - and that is amazing!
Enjoy it now and then. hahahah.
Getting UBER is a good sign - that I'm moving forward, and accepting the
path I'm on. And pushing back on 1-day Fri training trips
says something - not sure exactly what - willingness to stand up for
myself because I love and care for myself? And do it professionally.
Also, missed 2 lunches because of training - claimed CAL missed-lunch OT
when I sent in hours, plus some OT. See how they like that. It's the
law. Ought to be fine. I've not claimed it as a matter of dept.
policy for years.
Wed Sep 26.17 nm
7am to work next couple weeks, no prob - I think next week new hires -
today was okay, very slow in morning, and leaving 3:30 cool.
Bit tuckered, ~6 drive to Rockridge sushi boat - that's gun, like toys in
bathtub - $25 sushi, sake - then fancy grocery place: Stilton,
crackers, berries, Mex choc bar. During sushi thought part of
pleasure of $$ is sharing, I have not been tithing while rebuilding
savings post Stacey support and prepping for K house support. But
I've given Eric some cash/plus music fest etc. K waiting for move
when she may need large infusion.
Talked to Sooz 2hrs, op, maybe hysterectomy - stressful, month(s) to
My life is good for now - normal work stress does not make my life bad, or
any worse than anyone else's. and it's better than most. No whining,
No negativity. No self-pity. I have all I need, no bad vices, good
job, yard, network of friends. I lost two friends which almost
entirely diminishes that music network - Scott and Gil were the
heart. As I unfollow so many of that scene, the empty space hurts.
Don't be surprised about Nan - she disappeared for almost 20yrs!, and only
with great effort from me did we reconnect - no surprise that when I
stopped giving, I stopped getting. One-way street. Bummer. It was
Friends make life bearable.
Chats with Nmm - fun! Artist! Cool! At times close to the edge of
flirting, but - I had a moment of clarity - that I need to be cool
about it. Don't play games, romantic or otherwise - play it
straight. Let any photos or flirting if any evolve organically.
So, yeah - nice clothes, sushi dinner, nice car - compared to 1997 Siouxie
- fancy cheese and organic berries. What more luxury do I
need? Financial security would be nice - who doesn't want that? A
little $$ if always desirable. I'm doing okay in my income bracket.
Life is change, and broadly speaking change is good.
Okay - bla bla - all good? Yes. I can do this - 2 weeks early in work
days, Dallas in October. Video conferences, overnight trips to LA,
lead PPT trainer on West Coast. Cool. I've trained virtually every
person in SF. This is wildly better than I'd have guessed or hope
for from life. Wallow, enjoy, celebrate - accept that I am a
competent adult. And live. Kiss the joy as it flies.
Shower at night. Lunch early - waiting till 2 for 1/2 price
buffet/snacking meantime left me a bit brain dead.
This weekend - Bragg? Is price low yet?
Tue Sep 26.17 nm
Parri posted a timely article about distancing yourself from stressful
events - at a glance: think about how someone else would see it,
think about how it will look in the future - I'm making work stress
personal as if I am being put upon - 1-day LA trips stared this: I
felt we/I were being treated less well than those above - (along
with e.g., not being invited to CSS events) -
Print article, take advice -pull back, get out of myself and my
mind, do job as well as I can, focusing on what do I need to do to
look back and feel good about it. Other times work has been
stressful, afterward I have been able to look back and say I did
well. Same here. There's no dout in my mind I will someday look back
at this time and next few weeks when Randy is gone plus trip
to Dallas and training afterward, say yeah, I kicked ass, was
well-respected, did a great job and was appreciated for it. Job
I've been pushing back on giving credit card, and yesterday was also
feeling like not giving Bank Card - but go ahead and do that - meet
them halfway. I do not have an available credit card. I do have a
bank card. Go ahead and use it. Fuck it. I hope to be at this job
for the next 4-5 years, so do this thing. Yes.
Trump is such a cunt - but I suppose one must accept the vote etc, white
middle America didn't like all those black folks in the White House
- so now their time to strut and bray, like libtards did - fair
enough - but they're failing to end Obamacare, failing at tax breaks
for wealthy etc etc etc - fail fail fail, and internationally Trump
is seen as an ignorant half-mad buffoon - so there's that. He
couldn't lead the world out of a wet paper bag.
K - in @7am next two weeks, morning photos and training early next week,
then two weeks from now hahahaha - - I go to Dallas while Randy gone
- 3 days with just 2 fully trained folks. Cool. If we are all dong
the best we can, we'll come out of this smelling like roses.
Boom :-D. It's called work. we all have to do it. And none of us like it
exactly. I like my job and am good at it. So fucking hang onto it.
These mornings - sitting in cottage this morning > nice things I do for
myself without thinking, of course I give myself good things that
show self-love and care - rocking chair, with my fruit smoothie,
thanks to Karen for inspiration and blender > and these mornings at
Nomad - maybe walking'd be healthier(?), but this quiet time with
coffee, view of neighborhood Shattuck traffic, familiar counter help
> this is healthy, too mentally and physically, relaxing, time
to let mind awaken slowly.. it's good... I cherish these times,
those smoothies, my yard - a few minutes even in it - eating,
smoothie, the yard work last weekend - yes - plus calls to my Mom,
I'm 63, she is what 93? Still mentally good - no more scattered of
mind than I am e.g., without say enough sleep. We are lucky to have
this time. Making up for decades when I was avoiding Dad's anger,
judgment and denial - his mental illness.
Now is good. I can sometimes let go of all. Generally I am free of the
anger from earlier years. Mainly my habits are healthy. I do the
best I can.
Okay - oddly relaxed about today's video conference ppt training - no
reason to think it'll go poorly - and actually, I'm excited to try
it! Wrote up the agenda, sent handouts, files on LA shared drive -
it ought to go well! It's fun to try something new, the same old
training year after year is - getting a little stale - harder to get
yup my enthusiasm - still, pinch myself > I was overnight in a jail
cell, unemployed, marriage failed, no future, nothing, and age 42,
nothing to show for it ... I wanted to be a teacher so bad > and now
I have this opportunity. Do everything I can to hang onto it. Go
ahead and give my cc #. Don't be an asshole. Don't attract negative
attention. The nail that stands up gets hammered down.
It is dog-eat-dog out there - respect myself, don't let myself be bullied,
but also don't be foolish for ego's sake. Choose my battles.
Yeah yeah yah.
yes. thank you. be good today. always do my best.
Mon Sep 25.17 nm
I note that I'm mentally prepared for work (Ran gone for 2 weeks, Jeff
gone - short-staffed) - do the best I can - mistakes will be made,
jobs will be pushed back or turned away - I will do my best, and
come home, and that's how to be invulnerable. If I'm doing the best
I can, then all else that is not my doing falls away, not on my
shoulders. That is true of everything.
K's life upside-down while house sold, looking for new job etc.
Upper-left arm pain getting a bit worse?
Not much Sunday - at end of day restless, but made decision not to do
Tilden - wanted to rest body: After long IM w/NMM about rope, sex,
experiences with ex-lovers, heated up Vietnamese soup ate w/bread -
yum!! - called Mom, long talk, Assisted Living etc, Anne's thyroid
surgery, Beth's cooking - , yard work, front chopped big orange
berry bush, hard trim around sidewalk orange flower pile on stump -
it's almost one big rectangle, chopped Buffacados, pulled out
tomato/cucumber remains, chopped datura so no window blockage, raked
avocado leaves etc - looks better - million dollar house down
street, wanna keep our place impeccable - because it says
something about occupants, tho Buff&DJ don't seem to believe
that, or it's just not on their radar.
Sat around, internet, ~6:30 Bowl groceries - read Young Lust underground
comic collection - that was worth a re-visit - funny wild sexy
So really: long interesting NMM chat about sexual/romantic experiences,
lunch, Mom, long out-off front yard work, groceries, dishes, cleared
out garbage - all in all, the cottage looks better, woke up in it
feeling good. Missed a Tilden walk in beautiful time of year, but
body needed rest. Emails with Eric about music and Sat sushi.
etc. yes. Good day.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Sep 24.17 home 12:53pm
Shared JAA story w/NMM: "back to the rope business - sometimes I wanted to
make love to her body - she got restless and wanted to be doing
things to me at the same time - sometimes I would tie her hands
above her head, so she had to lay back and enjoy - and I could
entirely focus on what I was enjoying"
Beautiful late summer day - want to get out to gardening - first:
Fri setting up hotel and such for Dallas trip - sold out! Hahah -
whatever can go wrong will - no problem - I am competent, in end it
will all work out.
Sat slept pretty well - it helps that things like hotel & flight,
taxi vouchers, and trips to LA are being taken care of - lessens
anxiety - tho there's still some morning "Agh! What if this or
that!" But it will be okay. I am competent, and will learn by doing,
and in the end it'll be considered a success by all. First Toolbox
training via vid conf Tues afternoon - ready for that.
Sat up early'ish with plans for sushi w/Eric ~4 - weary of mind,
but body pretty rested - to avoid heavy afternoon traffic, lv town
9:10am, w/clothes, laptop, pbj - easy drive, beautiful morning -
mind playing old loops, esp about bullying (Taf & such) - I have
bullying issues -
Breakfast burrito & coffee/laptop @Gville - nice - coast perfect - sunny &
mild - Goat Rock turnoff, 1st parking lot, up hill & down to coast,
past rock formations - wearing Mexican sandals, sort of loose, one
blister, not bad - pics to NMM & Lo. ~1.5 miles south to end of
wooden walkways - excellent - stop at & walk labyrinth, take pics of
offerings, video for Xo.
Time it perfectly - IM Eric about timing, stop in Gville for espresso -
nice - life is good - easy drive to SR, chill for 20mins at his
place, to Osake, yum! great sushi as always, cedar sake, Kobe beef -
~$250 - we like it expensive. Good food is where we splurge. Even
Gville music fest revolves around good meals together.
Easy drive home - physically good and rested - mentally a bit tired, but
Sleep till 6, snooze deep till ~9 - Nomad - long IM w/N about some pics I
sent (Frida porn tied up), talking about various rope play - Shibari,
heavy vs. light, pain vs. pleasure - managed language barriers -
brought up JAA, how she was my first real love so we experimented
with many sexual things because we trusted each other: rope, anal,
French ticklers, exhibitionism - but after her I realized I think I
didn't do rope any more. Discussed JAA a bit - her Jap-Mex heritage
and shared film stills, explaining she looks so different now, and
the pic is not very revealing, otherwise I would not share out of
At my gentle request, he told me long tale about recent lover who was very
selfish, again managing language barriers, and frank intimacies
about what he would and would not do. But glad we are at that point
she is comfortable sharing, and I am not all about titillation.
Letting it evolve organically. Be cautious about her privacy
Now home - $M+ house down street - this is a desirable neighborhood -
pressure to keep house/yard beautiful/tidy so as not to attract
negative attention. Amd call Mom.
Thu Sep 21.17nm
Gonna be a busy 2 weeks (starting next week) at wk w/Randy out on
vacation, trainings, etc, followed hard upon by 3 days in Dallas for
updated app/styles. Whatever - let go - not so much work stuff here
- more life - work is probably not interesting long-term. Did get
word from R that overnight trips to LA are okayed, expenses set
aside - bring in temp - no one available, too bad. Presumably word
got through to B that they were indeed treating me differently,
burning me out and that could not be justified. Okay - so, good.
Common sense kicked in.
Cooling off, dark at 8 - groceries after work - kind of nice. Still
restless sleep - what can I do - a lot is work-related:
1-day LA trip apparently being resolved (tho of course, as I suspected, no
one told us/me): Good
Dallas hotel & plane ought to be worked out by EOD today - make 100%
certain it is paid for in advance,
Get driver app on my phone for trip to airport and back. Find out how to
Look at pages from Tracey N about upcoming changes to app & style - I have
no grasp of it - get that clear in my head will also help.
Then relax - I can do it - I have done it! I know how. Training is my job,
makes me highly valuable so job is secure. Takes me out of daily
production work. LA peeps shared some mildly negative feedback from
about July training - unstructured/not enough charts - I did not do
Haha - all about work still - but good - ways to put it on back bench, not
front row -
K may lose one of her 2 jobs, also have to move - maybe E has to take X
S went in for bits surgery Wed - she was angry/worried - I
told her everything would be okay, maybe she was crying, I had too
much brandy/ somewhat hungover yesterday.
Some confusion about WV/Mom/Assisted Living - Shirley/Anne/Mary planned
visit for Mary without telling Mom? WTF? Also won't inform us of
details. Leave it be. I stated my position in shared emails - Joan
agreed, and Beth - feels like a division in the ranks:
Mary/Anne/Shirley vs. Beth/Me/Joan - don't know Tom's position.
Well, that's all I know. I stand ready to help. Nothing else
Good mornings to Nu - sharing this and that - shared my early pornographic
Fridas with her. She sent detailed macros of her nude self-portrait
rained-on large painting.
If my friends prosper I am envious - but not really - if they suffer I
feel insecure. Pay more attention to my own life and well-being.
Respect myself and don't let myself be bullied.
Near end of E Leonard's Glitz - great fun as always, you can count on this
guy to be great.
Don't worry - be happy - take care of business - procrastinating,
avoidance only caused anxiety - get on it - breath, love, be
positive. Wank, shower, eat, sleep, enjoy entertainment, avoid
politics. Avoid over-thinking about work. That job is mine for as
long as I want it. I chose it, I want it, just do it and live live
Wed Sep 20.17 nm
Sooz going in for maybe surgery today - keep her in prayers - 2hr phone
last night, I finished most of flask of brandy - tipsy - lots of
water, one Advil, no food, sleep ~11:30? Many x up to pee, drink
water - seem to be okay. Looked into DAL hotel yesterday,
arrangements with DAL for office visit form etc, today set up flight
- WL has to pay for them in advance. Hold fast. They do it or I
don't have to go. They do not respond to emails etc. WTF?
All the big stress about no ! day LA trips - because - saying no means
jostling massive efforts I've made to be indispensable - it's
risking a lot - my truest wish I suppose to to keep this job
forever. Financial "security", status, way to fill time, define
Anyway - R will be gone for ~10 days? That week will be tough, but just
say 'I'm basically alone this week, go in at 8' - do not freak out.
Be friendly sympathetic clear and firm. Make them feel good about
being turned down. Hahahahah.
K may lose job & house. Sooz in surgery. NMM sending paintings - Tues
I shared some early sexual Fridas no one else has seen (cunnilingus,
bondage, anal), explaining that while looking for Frida pics for
Montages, I read many articles and came to a new understanding,
admiration and respect, and did more serious montages.
Tues Sep 19.17 nm
Mellowing out at work - abbreviated hours while R & I out in Oct - general
understanding that I will not be doing 1-day Fri trips, video conf
training is option, it's resolved as it's ever gonna be. So I can
relax. Cool. My internal fight is played out, whatever that was
about. No word back from WL HR, but ball is solidly in their court.
Anything else comes up, it's their baby.
Posting nudes to private page - no hassle/time-outs yet - must've been
that HS girl I added without asking - so my fault.
Some people never grow up - what does that mean? A character in E
Leonard's Glitz - you don't have to have a family to grow up - but
maybe it means buckling down and acknowledging areas where steps can
be taken towards full responsibility for myself/my life - some
things can't be taken care of - unpredictables - health - but no I'm
insured and all, and have worked hard to make myself high-value and
indispensible at work. Could work harder on family - but - family is
tough for everyone. I'm fine.
Daddy issues at work - yes, job/system is Daddy - but it's a machine, we
are all in, so don't take nothing personal - self employed you're
your own daddy, own boss, I hear it's extra hard. Welcome to the
machine. Leave personal issues at door.
Cool blue mildly melancholy end of summer days, dark before 8pm, overcast
- lovely tho.
Bed late, up early > shower smoothie - call Sooz tonight.
Life is good, Yes, Thank you. Good. Today will be good. Be good today.
Mon Sep 18.17 nm
This is my life, sitting at Nomad w/Cappuccino, after shower/smoothie,
yard check - chilling, checking fb - no more writing about work
unless it is something new. Let work take care of work. Leave it at
work. Let go - work at it - let go every day all the time.
Sat mideast salad in backyard, called Mom, IM w/K & NMM, laundry,
Rockridge sushi boat dinner, BB groceries.
Sun didn't sleep well, tense, restless mind - stayed in bed till
~9, pbj/salad - head for Reyes > Nicasio > box of CDs for Mike to
look through before book shelf > Pt Reyes Station for
sandwich/coffee drink/apple > use park restroom (digestion
discomfort lately, good to get that done) > Meadow trail to
Wittenberg - took side trail through field, lovely views of Drake's
Bay > perfect weather, late summer hot sun cool breezes sun just
beginning to get lower > sat, meditated looking at Drake's,
stretched left arm w/pinched nerve (?), rested in grove > easy walk,
beautiful day - mind working overtime about work - slowly getting a
grasp of how much it is about me, pushing back, fighting, wanting to
win, insisting on being respected > on the 'rightness' of my
Reciting serenity prayer > I can't change the system > I can change my
perceptive and attitude, watch out after my own health > considered
"I care for you" diety at work but maybe I am my own, caring for
myself - stretching my arm, thinking healthy positive affirmations >
last night & this morning massaging soothing balm into top left arm
pain point > might be helping?
Upcoming Dallas training will be fun. I will do my bit well. Imperfect at
first > better with experience. It is not my whole life > when I
leave it is my life. Enjoy. :-)
I thought, yesterday, while stressing, at Nicasio: I am headed to Reyes,
just dropped CDs off with Nicasio person, IM'ing with K (photos from
rock show), and NMM (detailed discussion erotic book plate I
shared, one of who's bodies looks like hers). How cottage w/Buff &
DJ keeps us in contact with K > how it's all good and
interconnected. Don't worry. Be happy.
Breath. Heal myself. Be good to myself. Don't worry about future or past >
if I'm doing well right now, then life is good. Kiss joy as it
Sexy IMs w/L in evening.
work stress is real - maybe valiums from doc for Dallas trip, to help me
Life is good - I am healthy, sane, energetic > 5 miles up Wittenberg yest,
plus sitting meditation, laying in grove, brought good food with me,
properly dressed and prepared. And schedule was flexible - got there
~1? Didn't even check time. This tells me things are going well, and
many problems I think I'm facing are in my mind. Iain is another cog
in machine, doing his job, I am doing mine, ino right nor wrong, no
moral issues, no abuse > just me saying
'Hey! This part is about to break, ease a bit! Here's an alternative
solution. That's my job - to inform them. I have done my job. Now up
to them. Don't prepare to argue any more > I am over-prepared and
upsetting myself for nothing. There's no gain, no benefit in
upsetting myself anymore. Let's see what they do.
Yes. Breath deep. I am loved and cared for. Losing Gil & Sooz moving away
is a hard loss, and I feel more vulnerable and lonely - but there is
still much good in my life. Stacey and Gil's family's pain is way
worse, just for perspective. Don't overplay my hand in my own head.
My life is good.
Yes. Good. Be good today.
Sat Sep 16.17 nm
Wk early & alone Wed/Thur w/both R&afternoon guy out (sick
Dad/headache respectively) - tiring, stressful, got it all done.
Reminds me I am not only one with problems - plus just had 4-day
relaxing weekend w/Eric, so had energy. OT, too - we are no longer
struggling to keep it to 8hrs/day - let it pile up - that will help
w/moral and balance lack of raises - talk to WL HR if there's a
prob. Also, WL/HR guy said they'll take care of Oct Dallas
flight/hotel - that's also a relief. Sigh. I can do it - job and WC
training - always remember to love/take good care of my health, even
if it means pushing back against being asked to do too much.
Protecting myself from burn-out comes first.
~9hrs sleep - feeling okay.
This week was all about work - work, eat, shower, shit, sleep. No plans
this weekend - rest the head, go through work CDs, match CDs to
cases, leave at Nicasio, laundry, groceries, tidy cottage, the
usual. Yard could use a few hours trimming. I've been neglecting -
B/DJ doing some. Been worrying about future - recent grief-related
body aches make me think about health, aging, and stress about no
1-day trips to LA pitting me against two large companies, reminds me
of my vulnerability - my usual focus is on my strengths and how
doing my job well gives me a lot of freedom of movement etc at work
- but lately it's all negative because I've said no to this one
thing to preserve my health. Not a good feeling. Do not get angry.
Do not get emotional. Leave anger and outrage out of it. They are
not Daddy, and this is not a Daddy issue - it's a health issue plain
and simple - I can't do what they ask without burning myself out,
leaving me unable to perform my other tasks effectively. Offer
solutions; compromise - don't overstate, or express moral outrage -
I will get no sympathy or positive response because everyone
is asked/forced to exhaust themselves for greater good of
company/co-workers - but don't compromise my health. Period.
Keep these points in mind for work.
Dallas doesn't seem so bad - fly down Mon - sleep - 2.5 days
training - OT feels okay - doing an LA video conf training later
this month - if it works well may resolve 1-day LA trips. For all I
know they've already decided to go for that ,and not told me. Leave
it alone, Ball's in their court. Leave it there. My life is in my
court - live it, deal with it, call Mom, Skype w/Karen - focus
on my life - not issues best left for work to figure out.
I am feeling unsettled, disconnected from my life - too much time
stressing about work, unknowable, things I can't control, new
thoughts based on experiencing death of best friends. Ruins my Joie
de vivre. It's okay - it is okay - I'll settle down - my life is
good. Enjoy it.
Yes. Good. Be good today. This will be a good day.
Wed Sep 13.17 nm
Stressed and unhappy about work - I want to get in an easy groove, but Taf
& Jeff quitting, big upcoming training, and as yet unresolved LA
trips stressing me out - that's life, everyone is working extra hard
and not getting raises. So I'm 63, so I slow down - I can find ways
to make it work. Have fun in Dallas. Breath in confidence and
strength, breath out fear.
Randy emailed last night, saw it this morning, Dad not well, not in today
- I did not hop up and run in - no - I need, in spite of everything,
to take care of myself - it's not as if B&WL have shown appreciation
or returned loyalty I've shown.
R not in Mon before Tues DAL trip - so I might open at 7, lv
~noon, flight @ 4? arrive 7 - hotel by 9. Might work. But Jesus -
Was gonna book flight today, but need R's support - sigh. Shit.
Mexican sandal down leg shot from N.
Okay - 8am - showered & breakfasted. 2hr call w/S last night.
Boy - my work attitude is terrible - overworked, underpaid,
underappreciated - okay - that's life in big capitalist city - but
lack of control of LA trips despite everyone recognizing how
exhausting they are, available options, compromises, all to save
company a couple hundred bucks on my back, is demoralizing.
1979 Berkeley by Hope
"yes I like your body I would like to see more of it and I would like to
see the painting"
Mon Sep 11.17 7:30 hm
Easy driving to/fro, no big names we care about at Jazz/Blues, perfect
weather - didn't drunk much, danced a little, blonde wailer n a
tight red dress Beth Hart and her rockabilly guitarist were fun -
shared couple joints with individual, started up a couple in river -
different now that it's legal, I got a mild fun buzz, E got a bit
drunk Sun afternoon - hung out, evenings watched Deadwood
episodes, sushi breaks, Mexican dinners, smoothie breakfasts, more
from lobby - medicinal sleepy pot, good digestion, fair sleep -
Fri we brought work stress with us, bled into Sat, by
Sunday feeling pretty good, Mon morning real nice - yes -
it only lacked a band to get excited about, something we have
history with, or can say "We saw so-and-so!"; in every meaningful
way it was great - long weekend in river valley, eating, drinking,
wandering, sitting in cottage lazy-boys, redwood grove porch view -
oh my - doing as we pleased - Mexican clothes vendors I got
pants/shirt from at Accordion fest there, got another shirt/comfy
shoes. Couple beers both days - no prob - sipping the beer and
eating food took care of it.
Brought pillow and quilt, food - IMs/photos with several people - L, N, K
- N sent requested back pic - language barrier hazard, subtleties
lost - we both said, should not be be so afraid of discomfort. Ask
for what we want, say what we like, cards fall where they will. We
are having fun, best is to let it flow - there's no tomorrow - it
may hurt, we may be confused - dark flat pic of back - thank you,
she says don't have to say thank you - she does it for her - makes
Knees were bothering me this week, worried about twisting, Eric suggesting
supplement sposed to be good for joints - instant placebo effect -
fuck - this worries me a little - what am I missing? Am I acting out
in ways I do not recognize?
Bain & WL do not care at all about my health - saving couple hundred bucks
outweighs everything else, my health, my comfort - they will look at
my value and realize it's worth keeping me, and work things out so
I'm comfortable. End of story. It's all cool - getting upset about
their lack of concern for my health will drive me nuts - "Forget
it, Jake. It's Capitalism!" Don't take it personally - it's not
personal to them, at all! Strictly business.
Good relaxation - self indulgence - showed up early, cottage ready @1pm -
lovely drive home down coast - whales - flukes! feeding! Orcas! What
a trip and treat. Beautiful afternoon - not too hot, sunny and
slight breeze, no to light traffic.
Brandy in flask, sipped now and then just for fun - didn't feel it much,
dumped last few snorts into grass front of cottage.
This psychological pain business - what's best approach, understanding -
utilize, with prayer, affirmations etc - without getting stupid.
Packing for fest went well - all unpacked now - Bowl for groceries -
Stilton cheese snack, gave big slab to Buff/DJ, snacked on some
w/crackers. Soup / bread dinner? Cool.
Fri Sep 8.17 nm
In/out early all week, for new hire morning training/photos -
missed Sooz call Thu night - focused on taking it easy, not
draining myself before music fest weekend, so feeling pretty
well-rested - slept ~10:30-7:30am -. LA requested video
conference training end-of-Sep, so that's positive - emailed
WL HR Fri asking when is discussion with WL admin about job
description?; LA vid conf may render that unnecessary(?); best be
settled/finalized - don't want 1-day LA trips coming up again. Good
to have that all settled/pressure off me. Still, I made a decision,
approached it professionally, stated my position
logically/coherently, stood my ground - I win. well done. Stressful,
uncomfortable - that's part of process, tests seriousness/integrity
of the position.
I win. Interesting experience. Learning.
Doing pretty well about letting go - mentally - chill-out - almost 5 days
off - needed and good timing - not bringing any work bullshit with
me. WL messing up my paychecks, got that settled - can start
punching in-and-out more randomly, get a little OT in there - cool!
Let go of NMM this weekend - this is about me, Eric, river valley, people
at fest. I don't really want to engage w/N that way anyway I think.
Photo tease was confusing us - okay trade-off? Pics, flattery,
excitement in exchange for emotional confusion? Well, yes - when it
caught us unawares - but I think we would not consciously choose it;
anyway, now we understand what happened, it can't happen again,
because no spontaneity. If we chose to do it, then it's a
relationship. Maybe. The part of my humanity that wants not to be
alone, a companion, etc, is in pain reminded by this unexpected
contact and arousal, juices flowing. Give it even more time. It
hurts. I keep wanting to ask for something which is not what I want
- I want to ask for photos, when what I want is the person. A gift
of photos I tell myself will ease the pain - but that's not so - as
pain goes, this is hardly worth the name - but it's sad. I'm sad.
Okay. Sadness - only my share. Let's not dwell or make too much of it.
Clear my mind. All is well.
8:50am - home now, smoothie, pack, shower - leave ~11am? Nice. Looking
forward to it. Lucky, healthy, happy, not being in a relationship
allows me much freedom, hanging with a friend for 3 days. I am a
lucky bastard, have worked hard for what I have, admitted my
weaknesses, made amends for my thoughtlessness and cruelty, admitted
my anger, grievance, resentments. Tried my best. Been given the gift
of loving humans unreserved. Fortunate.
Be here now.
Yes! Good! Today will be a great day! Looking forward to this fest all
year, is almost better than the event itself. Keeps a still center
of joy in my heart.
$500 from bank yesterday - took Rockridge BART home, coffee on sidewalk
table, cheese, prosciutto from market, sushi boat/sake - stroll
home. Dig it. Sit at corner College / Alcatraz, I always remember
blonde sexy-smile art girl photos, in small white room, with extreme
direct sunlight, too embarrassed / shamed at my arousal to
take erotic photos - well I did some, but did not address it
directly, then she took b&w negs - which, okay - because they
weren't that good.
Pot, 1/2 painkiller, MBV Loveless, light show, Duke Nuken walkthroughs,
tootsie pops, made for a very relaxing evening. :-)
Ordered Peter Cushing autobio from Amazon.
Tues Sep 5.17 hm 7:20pm
Back on fb - gonna keep private photo group but not post nudes - or only
post censored versions? Lay low. Members said nice things, made me
feel good about my little group. Friendly vibe, models in group
willing to acknowledge themselves in photos means a lot to me,
people meet, Australian rocker likes Colleen photo, asks directly
for permission to use on CD, artists I've met through Frida pic
learn more about who I am. It's high value. I dig it. Shelley Barn
ette sees her pic on '77 hillside, gets attention for her youthful
flowering, sees where it fits in my art, and in our lives/shared
experience. Some models get positive attention anonymously. This is
all seriously cool stuff. No just me getting shame-free validation &
attention for my efforts, but a small community of sorts. I'm not a
great artist, but there's some talent, beauty, and visible struggle
to do something fine. So leave it up, and post non-nudes.
Download fb site today, in case.
8-4:30 Tue-Thu: Whole day taking/formatting/uploading
photos, welcome flyers, then updating hand-outs, printing for 26
people. Many - most? - have been at B before. Forget that - it's
just a job, do my best, leave out some extras & ppt etc., focus on
tables/charts. Then another training w/smaller group Thurs
Then long weekend in cabin, porch, redwoods, meals, chill out, music,
river - yes - cool.
Mon Sep 4.17 II home 8:15pm
Shower, pack, call Mom ~10:30 - lv ~11:10 - almost empty tank, filler up -
easy traffic to Pt Reyes; salmon sushi while driving, when parked
mideast salad/water, feel too full - yucky - decide feel too yucky
for 5miles hike, hang in Ranger center, walk short earthquake trail,
Pt Reyes Station ~1? Book store, wander, grocery store for berries,
start to rain (!?!), after 100degree everyone is like WTF? IM w/K
about E's demands, J/lice/shaved head, etc. Send photos to K, NMM,
Feeling crummy all day - just, not happy - not bad bad - a
lot of it I think is anticipating pressure to do 1-day LA trips.
Nicasio ~3:30, good seat 2nd row left center, Sons of Champlin - he
looks kind of bad, but music is greater/cheers me up, 3 Juicy Lucy's
throughout day, chicken BBQ, give 1/2 away to guy sitting nearby
'cause I'm full - glad he accepts. Happy 6-s peace and love music -
and they are so good! Damn.
Easy drive home, Derek Dominoes - last summer BBQ of 2017 - 3-day week - 3
nights/days in Guerneville cabin for music fest. End of summer
blues? But low on horizon warm light lovely. Thank you Sooz for the
great life-changing car.
It's fun after years of exploring, driving around, hanging here and there,
Back on facebook ~5am - then what?
Some sad weepiness - I think it's about Gil. Life seeming a pointless
repetition and all. I think I'm depressed.
Mon Sep 4.17 nm
Feeling awfully victim-y - partially being at 63 learning awful truth: we
don't get to retire - ever - we work work work till we die - simple-
; we do more work without raises - we're all in same boat - so don't
embarrass myself and irritate people by crying about my poor ass.
I work harder than I need to - so I have control there. Relax. Show up -
do my job - go home and relax, enjoy my cottage, friends, food,
health. I need to keep telling myself this. I'm gold. Relax at work.
Boy, but that thought, anxiousness comes on - I have been trained
all my life to work hard. Okay - so work hard - but not to prove a
anything to myself - there's nothing to prove - if I work hard
let it be because I enjoy challenge.
Hot again today - up till midnight, probably woke ~4 and snooze/flopped
till ~8. Ice cubes in my smoothie -
- Fb responded to my protest - my impression is fb will not come searching
if no one complains. If I post no more nudes probably be okay. Still
- post an announcement, start removing more revealing shots, remove
some recently added high school people, ask anyone who might be
offended to please leave group. But! - point of group was safe place
for nudes - if they are all removed, might as well make it public?
9:20 - shower, BB will be closed - get more smoothie fixings Tues
A bit weary - but Mideast salad etc - easy 5mile Bear
Valley/Wittenberg/PBJ - same as last week - could be good - fresh
air/exercise always good.
Re-read an IM to Matthew Davis (Mass GT friend) about Gil's death - man, I
was a mess. I knew I was knocked down, but maybe having months to
prepare, months of fucked-upness about it - when I was even further
down, did not realize where I was at. Owch. Thank you, Karen, for
pointing out that even so, I was also supporting her, Sooz, Stacey -
helping others helped me by taking my mind off my own misery.
Feeling a little lost - loss of Facebook community? Daily likes and all.
Remember, this is intentional - cutting loose - only keeping those
that are real. More to life than Facebook "friends", politics, and
new technologies (phone).
K - home - shower - call Mom? - lv ~11 for Reyes.
Sun Sep 3.17 home 7pm
Huh - few small swallows of brandy from flask - soon after motivation fled
- ~2 deep nap, bad hot air? listened to body, wake ~3,
wank, reheated beef/bean soup - Telegraph for mocha frap - People's
Park yuchh - stroll up
Telegraph, through campus, loop west & back through Sather Gate -
pics to K & NMM -
- Student Union stairs catch my attention - how similar campus
looks - sit, sifting through memories for specifics, then realize
date - Sep 3 - 44th anniversary of leaving home - Sept 3, 1973, Sept
3rd month of Summer - I remember 3s. 9th month (3x3), I was 19. Lots of
time of those stairs. Met Shelley B on those stairs. Sitting there,
or walking/driving past Church on Haste used to fill me with emotion
- now, just - huh - there - yes - I survived - deeper
feelings than I realize - different type of reaction as I age, less excitable
- but it mailed me there for a while - part of my life history. Deep connection
to that spot. My spot.
IM'd Lo, Parri & K. Would have told Gil.
Back down Telegraph, Japanese $1.50 shop: bottle brush, aloe container,
car sunshade snacks -, take pics of Mediterranean & Moe's, send to
Parri - she bummed their closed. BB for salad, soup for tomorrow's
hike - hoping to do 7mile before Sons of Champlin BBQ. Me and my 60s
stuff. Well, it was one of the major cultural events of the century
and of my generation - natural that I and many others tried to hitch
a ride. I am what I am. Despising myself, comparing myself
negatively to others, is a loss of energy - I did best I could, so I
won. Thought of that on campus stairs today - I did it, I came out,
stayed, had no choice, had heard that after 1-year residence one
could got to school for free (thanks Ted white), I just got under line before Prop
13 killed that. Almost everything grows out of that: Eric,
Scott, Gil, Karen, Xo, Buff/DJ, job, marriage, cottage, Suzanne,
car. Fuck. If I wanna look at it that way - it worked. I came out,
went to school; my life is built around those experiences:
networks, connections. Fuck me. Won.
Cool. Good. Life is a gas.
People who seemed to have more charm, natural abilities for survival -
seemed - seemed - what did I know? I was envious of anyone who had a
clue. I had no clue. Who knows their reality. I got
lucky. Got by with a lot of persistence (which was, as Alex Chilton
said, simply not knowing what else to do) and a little help from my
Enjoy it while I got it. This is good. Happy & healthy. No complaints.
Right? Right. I die tomorrow. Don't matter, I have this now.
44th anniversary of leaving home. Visited Student Union stairs. Shared
Telegraph pics with a friend from those years. Life.
Sun Sep 3.17 nm
I have already won.
Hmm - seem to have slept well last night: bed towel a bit flipped, not
spun into a sweaty snake to one side. Clean bed clothes/late night
shower always a good thing. Laundry, groceries, even quarters - it
pleases me to have a jar of $170 in quarters. Tom's black ceramic
jar full of quarters, Mary's inlaid Russian wood cup dinosaur balls
etc. I keep gifts from Mary & Tom close - I *have* gifts from Mary &
Tom. Think it over.
Quiet on fb this morning - what is life without facebook? Not posting
every day or so for attention - not having to decide on new cover
photo, or entertaining post. Clear view. Of the morning.
Up ~7:30, comfy - smoothie in balmy backyard, sunlight comes through warms
west view flora - peaceful - breath into my anxieties - some may be,
what with Gil dying, feeling myself moving into concerns about
old-age, unemployment, loss of health. I breathed confidence into
areas of fear. Next week trainings - always bit of stress - that's
normal and okay. 25+ people for 3.5hrs on Wed - get it done,
do hard work, skip Frida stuff/Design, dig into ppt/company app.
Less fun and self-indulgence, more giving them what they need.
Still collecting sub pics of LR; no response to IMs. Breath in. Breath
At work: stop worrying, enjoy, don't be afraid, focus on positive - people
who enjoy and admire me, perks, view, free food and coffee - breath
in confidence; worrying/nervousness accomplish nothing; don't work
so hard! They can't take my savings, turn my friends against me,
kick me out of my cottage, take my car, take away my serenity/self
confidence, take away my mind or history - they can't touch me. They
can fire me - that's it. Their only power. That power has to
overcome my power: 17yrs experience, lead west
coast trainer, high-value reputation with all the right people. Fair
fight. Fuck'em. Yayyy Robert! It's between WL & B now - let them
work it out.
Bosses - necessary evil.
One day without facebook - no difference except maybe a more open mind
free time unstructured no-focus on what to post. This is good. But
save photo group. Make it me only - take out all nudes - re-open. No
I - I - I - flap - flap - flap. Flapping a little - way past worst of it:
last week's making it personal, putting myself in position of
bullied at work. I can choose my battles. No battle here. There
is no battle here. There is just: I'm exhausted/burning out,
it's about to get worse, so I am doing right thing, bringing it to
HR's attention, in a professional, positive, problem-solving manner.
Total win for everyone. I've learned how to do it. Cool.
My battle was with myself - if and how to say 'no' - courage to stand and
speak-up for myself - who to talk to. I wanted to fight it out
myself, but there was no one to fight - no visible opponent - too
many choices. How do I win? So I was thrashing about in my mind,
fighting myself. Sent note and info to I @B, cc'd Tracey in TOR, WL
HR folks. Now they have all seen what's up, including fact that I
went to doctor about burn-out. Let them talk it out and decide if
it's worth accommodating my health concerns.
I have already won.
Working at Bain has been an amazing learning positive experience - so
lucky to work in that friendly exciting environment. Current issue
with over-work/burn-out ought not to threaten my position. Ought to
provoke thinking, review, forward-thinking solutions that work for
Soon this will be resolved, and I wonder if all this writing about it will
look boring in the future? Point is it helps me to write it out. So
Gonna be a hot one - do Bear Valley tomorrow before Sons BBQ. Today... ?
Olampoli? Tilden? 9am - now what?
Sat pm, man - memory foggy - heat frying my brain - after laundry,
hankering for fried rice meal, WF for hot bar - eat chicken rice
veggies on patio - Buff & DJ in backyard at home, Buff friendly as
always - I am withdrawn - work on reaching out from behind wall of
Gil Death Hurt. Oh, haha - got a $10 bottle of Christian Brothers
brandy, filled flask (from Oregon vacation), had one sip. Just - a
thing I want to experience - a flask, a sip. Careful.
I have already won.
Sat Sep 2.17 nm
I dunno - and Randy at work doesn't seem worried about LA trips - but he's
been wrong about other stuff, assuming Bain would take care of our
Dallas flights etc. Trust my instincts, but relax and love life.
Was feeling empty and bad this morning - partially heat and dehydration,
sleep lack - and NMM i a flirtation making me miss a relationship.
It's like a sickness. It's going like I want - nudes if they fit as
part of online friendship, not forced or even requested, unless time
Drive to bank for $200 quarters - fucking HOT! - 100+ - dry, smoggy, smoke
from fires - Telegraph, mochas frap from Peets, book store where
Cody's used to be, couch, re-read photo book of Casablanca - weepy -
"No one ever loved me that much." waillll weep weep weep - hahaha -
Amoeba records - considered a $130 re-issue of Sgt Pepper with how
we did it CDs, movies and bog fat book by Paul McCartney. Then
forgot about it - but would be $350 worth of fun.
At book store, thought, felt alone, also that that was okay - I should be
feeling alone! Gil & Sooz are gone, loss of Scott connections leave
me more isolated, and I've chosen that. Chose to move on and
let go of the music scene that never was all I made of it, but
served a purpose to avoid despair. Real part: photos, tours, lights,
roadie'ing, occasional companions, prestige, cool'ness, sex, drugs,
names to drop, leather jacket etc fed the youthful hedonist gang
network needs. Met Karen and all that implies. See. Some of it is
real. But it is now, not then.
So it's okay to feel alone, unsatisfied, not need 70s-870s music long hair
blue jeans bohemian lifestyle now. Deal with it.
Loneliness might be scary - but it's honest - maybe will lead to real
movement and decisions - living on illusion and dreams will not get
On way home groceries, IM w/K, asked Eric to post note on my page about 3
day time out, check in with Bobby who's bro got killed and she is
suffering, thanked XO for UK candy. Sushi box lunch, ~5:30 smoothie
and laundry. Cool. Get things done. Feeling better. sweating like
crazy. Lots of water please - I'm slugging it down/hardly peeing at
all. No facebook is no problem.
I'm in control. Cool.
Sat Sep 2.17 nm
Lordy - a bit hot - 100+ yesterday, woke ~4am, checked fb, 3-day facebook
time-out, someone either accidentally, or a new person I added who
didn't like nudes (if so, my bad, should have asked, but no way to
know) complained about Britney's nudes on private members-only fb
group. I've pushed back, it being a private group, but rules seem to
say no nudity anywhere, even in private group. No prob - no need to
fb this weekend (unlike say when Gil was sick), I can still IM, all
my 'best' photos I wanted people to see have been up now for years -
so mission accomplished - and a fb break can only be good. Let go.
Got into bad mood Fri - and last night - heat and dehydration -
No plans Sat-Sun - quarters from bank - groceries - too hot
for Tilden? Later afternoon maybe? Gah.
IMd w/NMM - through some discomfort - sexy photos, do they turn me on -
joke question, but I answered, nt used to come. Isador Duncan &
Rodin. Fun stuff.
Better to hang onto phony 'friends' and scene, or dump, prepare for
reality, give real friends quality attention, honest, trusting
version of Robert we all deserve. Questions answers itself. I do not
know Steve Wynn, CVB, etc - Jonathan a little - very little - shared
grief - yeah - move on from past, stop following Dream Syndicate,
CVB etc. They are not my scene, nor my taste in music - don't be
bitter, it all serves a purpose - no need to be angry, cut them of -
just, be real. Scott is dead. There's no more need for my Scott
photos - they should go to Kristine. Davis bands - sure, some fun
college memories for me - an important time in my life,
painful as it was, more painful without it. Life and learning,
being forced to face reality that there is no 'art career', no
hidden jobs waiting for me to stumble upon - but I got a job that
uses my desire to fix, design, problem solve
(after years practice trying to solve me and family haha).
Good timing on fb break. Maybe good timing on closing private page. All
the good stuff already done. Good. Move on.
But it was a place for my friends/acquaintances/art-Frida people,
from different times of my life to be in one place - and for that, I
Okay - bank - groceries/lunch - drink lots of water! Eat!
Yes! Good! Today will be a good day!
Note: I am not thinking about LA trips - may be background
anxiousness - but some success in leaving it for Bain & WL to work
Fri Sep 1.17 nm
Sweaty night, up ~3 and not great sleep but okay - work stressing me out,
mainly training business coming up -
But - LA trips between Bain & WL - let them sort it out, be
available, professional, positive in seeking solution. Contact WL
and let them know you are concerned to get decision going, again
offer to help anyway I can. Positive positive positive. If there's a
solution, there is no problem. If Iain approached me, ask him
politely to contact WL HR. Solution - no problem. Relax. Iain has a
job, which is to ferret out waste - HR has a job which is protect
workers from bring ground down by the machine. I do my job, and let
them do theirs. Tah-dahhh!
Noticed on fb I was posting stuff from childhood: catechism, dinosaurs on
beach - reverting to childhood helplessness where adults make the decisions? Dunno - just noticed...
Caught up w/Tessa - some Larry Clark and move 'Love' pics and gigs to
several folks including NMM i a - light contact - I think we were
both feeling anxious to get to know each other better - learning we
need to be patient, accept what comes...a thing. Watch it unfold.
Short day - yay - free Sat/Sun - Sons BBW Mon... then short
week and long Guerneville weekend. Oh man, so looking forward to it.
A good positive thing - I am fortunate to experience it - small pat
on shoulder Bob, I went out, got it, did it, asked Eric along.
Don't forget to get hotel for WEF - call and find out when rooms become
Finished UK candy from Xo/K last night - don't seem to be experiencing
sugar crash - diff sugar from US candy?
Stressing at wk yesterday, about DAL trip, who pays for tickets etc - 3-4
bags of pretzels, bowl of cereal, bags of peanuts... catch myself
when I do that, walk around, drink water instead.
K - up @6:30, smoothie, shower, dress, Nomad - got an extra hour sleep
this morning - lots of free time makes me anxious - but hey - work
in yard, clean cottage always good, re cover holes in shower stall,
get negatives out for work scanning. Life is good. Great job.
Honestly, don't worry about raise too much - not many people getting
them, and quality of job and perks count for a lot!
Ask for it, put the info out - but don't get personal. Strictly
business, professional. No emotional it's not
fair, nor threats real or implied. But do
put word out, so it's on record. Yes. That is correct.
See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend.
Thu Aug 30.17 nm
Slow work day - nice! - on fb private photo page, I think on the fb titty
algorithm notice someone is checking nudes as 'wrong', and they're
being censored - sigh.
Sent N u r i a Larry Clark nudes & her head on Frida w/gun - even tho was
'past' initial arousal after bathtub nudes from 10 days ago, took a
little longer to feel sure I was not sharing while secretly hoping
to get more nudes, which I really - well, mainly - don't want
outside some kind of communication or artistic context. I would love
some artsy nude selfies, to see what she does w/her body. Naked pics
of body are fine and enjoyable on a narrow level - but then it ends,
once you've seen 'everything' - what is left? In this case potential
for them used for us to get to know each other better is most
important and fulfilling.
Tracey N at work booked hotels, will fly out Monday - good. Was concerned
they fly me out at 4am. Okay - I'll see a little of Dallas, have a
few days off work, learn stuff that puts me in a powerful position -
but money talks - push for compensation adjustment.
After work groceries - fruit, soup, bread - ate box of Turkish Delight
from K&Xo in bed. Yum!! Wed am found small working lamp on
Shattuck corner - cool!
My Job: I'm underpaid. Yes, of course, that's whole point of
out-sourcing. At 63, with my financial record, cannabis use, etc
work could be hard to find - oh, maybe some temp stuff - . At job, I
am comfortable and well-known, useful, healthy food buffet, bank,
dentist etc close by - great view! Fun walks through San Francisco
after work. Close to BART. Lots of good learning opportunities, and
- yes - prestige. Free food, coffee, snacks - the photography,
interesting learning events, etc - being lead west Coast 'expert'
- so add it up - along with video editing, scanning, photoshopping my own
stuff, being able to use phone for personal stuff, and still have
time to give 100% to my work -
It is not wise to push for compensation, to draw attention to myself,
encourage them to take a long cold look at me and ask, is this guy
So, okay - ask - but don't be pushy, be pleasant - find solutions - more
But when thinking about compensation, remember how sweet this position is,
that it allows me to help support Karen and XO - Do It For Her - I
tell myself I might be willing to die for her - will I continue to
work, even if underpaid, for her? Okay - yes - but - still, make my
case for more compensation, and if it does not happen, don't work
myself to point of burn-out. I have been chilling a bit more at work
- less stress - and that does seem to be helping. (Also getting past
Trauma of Gil's death). Visit Stacey - this weekend?
Wed Aug 29.17 nm
I'm an old man - when will I accept it? It's not okay to compliment
women's outfits clothing at work. Stop. It's okay to say no to trips
to LA. It's okay to be sad and worried about being old and alone.
It's okay to live in the moment, be happy, count my blessings. It's
okay to be sad about never seeing Gil again, hearing his laughter,
sharing memories. It's okay. Enjoy every breath. Love my friends.
Accept their love. Take pride in a job well done, and
well-recognized. Ask for an increase in compensation.
Ask for an increase in compensation.
Ask for a raise.
I am not a great artist, but better perhaps than I know. But it's
intuitive - so rather than force myself to photoshop looking for the
next Frida montage - just keep working, giving myself opportunities
in which to work. Music? Guitar? Clothing? But whatever - I may die
today, and if I have a few seconds to watch my life pass by - I can
say: I did some impressive work, used my full potential, did it my
way, earned acclaim from talented friends and acquaintances, had
some successes - a couple of big ones - have been contacted by
people from around the world because of it. My documentation of a
talented song writer gave his post-mortem attention more power and
I was not one of the stars - but I worked closely with them and had their
trust. I'm a good person, so far as it goes.
What's next? Scott said, I fill my days with work because I'm lazy.
Fearful of free time. Get a hobby? wander the streets lonely. Take
up smoking? Rely on one friend? What the fuck.
Bucket list. Bucket list.
Look it in the eye. I can do this. Be here now.
All's good long as I have my health. Otherwise, don't stress small stuff.
I could look at Gil, weeks from death, say 'I never got drunk and made an
ass of myself, so I have nothing to offer.' and they both laughed.
Point was, after many years humiliation of being me, I could joke
dryly without embarrassment about it, show serenity, indicating to
him that I had found peace, that that stuff doesn't matter; there's
no sense beating himself up about it.
Okay - quiet w/NMM, we check in say hello, but difficult to really get
to know each other the way we want - be patient - opportunities may
arise, but maybe blow in the coals, say hello - avoid flattering to
get nudes. Let it be. Let go. My mind desirous of pleasure still
wants to internet gf her. Don't.
All is well. All is well.
I have said no to 1-day LA trips, and asked for raise. Ask again.
Phone call w/Sooz last night. K coming back from TED Tanzania today.
3-1/2-day weekend coming up
4-day weekend in Guerneville with Eric and music fest background.
This is good.
Scars of feeling unwanted through childhood remain all one's life; if
being around family who do not treat me with respect is painful,
keep my distance. Protecting myself is not a sign of weakness, it is
self-love. I stayed away from Dad, when he reacted to my reaching
out with defensiveness and veiled insults, I continue to stay away -
but got close enough we could exchange hugs and say I love you. Win.
Family is tough, but answer is not necessarily to suck it up, grow
thick skin, spent time with people who are unable to control their
instinct to treat you badly. Fair. Win.
Breath deep. Every day I win. Every day I can find serenity inside. every
day count my blessings of love, friends, low rent, yard, job I enjoy
(!!!), toys, etc.
Yes. Good. Today will be good.
Tue Aug 29.17 nm
With Gil dead (and Scott) I am indeed cutting myself off from musical
connections on fb - no need - many of them I partially followed to
se Gil's comments - also got turned onto fun music, and music lore -
but let's not make pop music too much of my life's focus - it was a
thing I followed for cultural/identity/entertainment/companionship &
other reasons - I see its purpose/value - excellent - saved my life
- got to be cool - got to work with talented interesting people,
make friends, see my photos widely published, team to root for/tag
along with - gang to join - black leather and club tours - a shared
task - how cool was that? But I have no more connection with GT
members and scene members etc. except ancient memories. Gil & Scott
were the best of us, glue that made tolerating each other
worthwhile. For an introvert like myself, lacking that glue I'd
prefer to step away and pay more attention to actual friends I can
Mon: Cleared up the ADA confusion with WL HR - stood my ground,
explained I think there's been a misunderstanding, PCP's note was
not to say I had a disability, just my exhaustion/burn out had
reached point I'd gone to my doctor about it; he was acknowledging
what I'd said, asked whether it was wise to burn out employees to
point they can not do their jobs well. WL HR backed down, said it
was not a request for medical records; no need for ADA form - but
will need to talk to WL people. Fine - happy to do it. Finally -
after 18yrs - maybe I have an advocate.
Work again mercifully slow - Randy says I will not have to use my credit
card for flights to DAL and such - good.
So - ADA business cleared up, flight payments cleared up, 1-day LA trips
now between Bain & WL, feeling much more relaxed. Making it a debate
between me & Iain was not healthy. Fucked me up this last week.
Powerless David against Iain Goliath who can wreck my life. Well, I
have power of persuasive words, facts, willingness to say no/accept
consequences. Bad feeling. Now resolved. Let it go, let it fade, be
happy, enjoy the day.
Yes. Good. Today will be good.
I have list of names long as my arm who will vouch for my value.
Started new Elmore Leonard 52 Pick-up - Roy Cohn's autobio was getting
tedious, read 1/4 - deep deep junkie politics of 50s-70s. McCarthy
hearings stuff was interesting!
K in Africa. Enjoying candy from UK, Xo, K, watching Duke Nuken
walk-throughs. Guilty pleasure. Pop culture is my culture.
Short week - close 2pm Fri - 3-day weekend - annnnddddd!!! Sons of
Champlin Mon BBQ; really looking forward to 4 days with Eric
Guerneville cabin. Music is all good and well, but - it's about
place, river valley, cabin in redwood grove, porch, grub, people -
yes. Bunny hat? See how I feel. Makes me happy to think about - my
annual music festival. Hippie lifestyle slight return.
Slept well - hey! first time in a while, slept till 6:30 - because of
resolution to work stresses, communicating w/people who actually
listen to me (unlike Taf & Iain). Slept will 6:30 alarm, smoothie,
shower, Nomad - 8:08am - work.
Mon Aug 28.17 nm
Possibly part of my emotional reaction is from feeling bullied by In's
demeanor and "no"! negative pushback - refusal to hear logic and
common sense, not to mention and show of concern for my well-being.
So many other people show nothing but affection, support,
appreciation - then this one guy right above me shows none of that.
That's not his job. Stay away from him. Let WL HR & he work it out.
Assume resolution in my favor - assume it will go well - assume I'll still
be at Bain next year - assume logic and intelligence will shine
For myself - stay away from it. I'm doing well - all is good - I feel
great - Sun, at age 63 after coffee at wifi cafe, my idea of
a good time is getting out early for healthy salad in car, 5 miles
up a mountain through gorgeous summer woods, IM'ing photos to
friends, followed by BBQ/couple drinks w/good live music in a
backyard. Special event.
All is well.
My livelihood is not threatened.
Yes to life. Don't worry. I am making to much of this. I felt bullied by
Taf - but he was at heart a bully. Maybe In is, too, so stay away
Yes. Good. Today will be a good day.
Today - at end of today - I will say this has been a good day. It will be
challenging, because I am saying no to two large companies, and here
I am a high-value resource but really a powerless nobody. They can
wreck my life. But you have to draw the line somewhere. And this is
mine. I have the power to say no, and then I have to accept
consequences gracefully and without bitterness. Tough, but it can be
No. No! No! No! :-)
Sun Aug 27.17 hm 9pm
Considered staying home, rough morning sleep and thoughts in knots - stop
thinking about wk stuff! - I'm prepping for every angle - can't -
Left for Reyes ~10am, pbj/Mideast salad, gave Psycho & Rum Punch to
Nicasio guy, ate salad in car in big blue plate, asked park
headquarters about car keys in lost & found - check online - 5
miles, nice, plenty of energy(!), arriving early I was downhill in
woods during worst of heat wave - 3pm at Nicasio, salmon/pork, 2 top
shelf margaritas, chat w/guy sitting next to me, Pablo Cruise was
good! New added singer from Rogers Waters - band nice and tight! Hot
but not too hot.
Stop in on Robbie after for UK candy from Xo/Karen - talk about work
situation - he said sounded like there was no chance of getting
fired, to stand my ground, negotiate, do not budge from position
of no 1-day trips to LA, and continue to pHs solutions - get down
there day before - and that it sounded like I was clinging to idea I
could get fired, even tho there's none. Maybe. Playing victim. And
Ian is hard to deal with when it's no no no to everything. But yeah
- calm down - not going to lose job - but it is uncomfortable saying
no. Well, now I'm learning how that feels.
Sent trail pics to NMM - we both say we want to get to know each other
L has been very good listening to my mental knotted stress about work.
They can't force me to do it. They can only threaten to fire me if I
don't, and that is extremely unlikely. So chill. Stand my ground and
all will go well.
Yes more? Sat washed Camry w/bleach to remove mildew, then to car
wash where I thanked man who suggested it; he grabbed brush and
started scrubbing my car, until I gently took it from him. Moe's &
Peets mocha Frappocino (!yum!!) on Telegraph - cruise N Berk (?),
back to Berk Bowl for soup, jelly beans, etc - at home dealt with
work stress by getting high, watching Duke Nuke'm videos, eating all
jelly beans. Worked I guess.
Shower now (sunscreen), and sleep.
Good to get out. Stop thinking of Iain as an angry bully. He is not. He
does not hate me. And he can't fire me. Done. Stand my ground. And
bring more of my stuff home.
Sun Aug 27.17 nm
Mind still churning angry w/righteous indignation about LA trips - of
course everyone at work is required to work to the bone and
exhaustion - and I have - but I'm drawing line here because upgrades
look to required many LA trips - woke at 4am again, snooze and mind
running over scenarios. No one likes to say 'No' at work, puts a
kink in smooth flow of energy through hose. Anyway, it's between WL
& Bain now. Can't back off - they're going to want me to do LA
trips, then SF training the next day. I have to say NO now to give
everyone time to find a solution. Make that point.
Let it go.
If they terminate me because of this one request - that's hard to imagine
- but if: they'd have to get someone to become expert in old and new
company PPT, train 4 other companies, do video editing, theme
creation, photography, West Coast new hire photo formatting &
uploads. Yikes! I suppose anything is possible - but that sounds
like cutting their own throats for no good reason. Could happen! I'm
sure it's on table. Be prepared for anything. Everyone is
expendable. Remember that.
Don't let this paralyze me - it's 9:18 - I can go home, shower, bet at
Reyes by 11:30 - have a good 3hrs+ for a Wittenberg stroll, then
BBQ/music - sounds like right thing to do. Feeling frozen by my
emotions is making myself a victim and martyr. Get a grip on myself.
If it comes down to it, do LA trips, use PTO day after as necessary.
If there's no choice - then it's not a lose. Find a way to make it a
win - I can do this.
If I can do divorce, DUI, AA, jobless, homeless and survive, I can
certainly do this. :-)
Sat Aug 26.17 nm
Leave me not flog horse of LA trips further. I am upset
emotionally to be in a situation where I can not control - even
after 18yrs - my comfort and health; now am taking steps,
awkward/uncomfortable as they are, to resolve situation. They've now
asked for ADA form to be filled out - which makes no
sense since I don't claim to have a disability - and which gives
"them" access to all my medical history. I Pushed back after
reading form, which is for situations where an employee is
claiming a disab. This being opposite, I wrote asking for
clarification, suggested instead a note from doctor stating I have
no disabs. No immediate response.
I expect she'll write back, ignoring my questions/solutions, say this is
how it's done, just do it. I'll push back again. Do not be bullied:
"I need to make important decisions about this issue which
I understand may affect my status as employee of WL, and position at
Bain. It is important I do with with full understanding of the
facts. If you are not in a positions to respond to what I hope are
reasonable and logical questions, and offers to find an easy
solution, can you put me in touch with someone with whom I can
discuss a resolution to this issue?"
Anyway - enough - presumably my position is not in jeopardy - I
figure B a i n would be loathe to fire an experienced trainer, esp
so soon before major training period; so don't be thinking
emotionally, angrily, thinking about utilizing contacts in office -
that thinking is from stress & defensiveness - I have been weepy
about this - I want to say, a painful reminder of how weak and
helpless we are - but look! I am neither. I said no last year
to Taf & made it stick despite his pressure - have not done LA trip
for a year. Am now pushing back at national headquarters, offering
my understanding of situation, offering smart, coherent solutions -
doing my best to sound stressed &put-upon, but reasonable. HR has
offered to help support me, make sure I feel taken care of. Neither
Tracey nor SF GFX dept want to lose my experience during upcoming
So chill - let this run its course. But - turning over my medical
records seems a bit much.
Getting emotional does not help anything. They want to keep me where I
am - so don't get in the way of that while standing up for myself.
Been weepy - need to get out from underneath this. Job is important; not
as important as my health/serenity. It feel nightmarish to me -
being forced to do a job that causes me such distress. Maybe caught
up in my emotional connection to training - thing broke my heart
most night of DUI - Jan 7 1997 - 20yrs ago - that I'd never be a
teacher. I is important to me.
Good to write this stuff down, clarify thoughts, step back from
over-emotionalism. At work, emotionalism will be a hindrance; avoid
Alright - been in a bad put-upon stressed mood at work - jabbering -
letting events with NMM i a settle - feeling obligated to respond,
reach out - but give myself all the time I need to et comfortable.
Pablo Cruise Sun, Reyes hike beforehand > Fri <wk walked
through Chinatown, helping tourists, to Union Sq - nice weather.
Reheated Vietnamese soup @home > sleep ~10 watching Duke Nuke'm vids
on Youtube, astounded at how many complex levels I know by heart -
how much time I must've spent there! Yet enjoying the hell out of
revisiting - so, what the hell - doesn't mean that time was
ill-spent - for the time It was fun and what I wanted, part of our
culture. I am not better. Face fact.
Aside from the LA trip business, Gil death stress still on table > and
feeling isolated > sinking in Gil & Sooz gone. We are all vulnerable
> unless we are independently wealthy, it's a fact of life. Breath
into it, don't get hung up and in a bag, enjoy all I got right now -
right now is all we have.
Be here now.
I could do LA trips, and everyone will understand if I work from home next
2 days, or come in and am not fully coherent.
We will find a solution. If there's a solution, it is not a problem.
Leaving aside my personal feelings of aggrievement, there is no
problem. So work on myself. Find my own peace. This is not a major
crisis - it is a personal crisis because it pits me against employer
- who appears all-powerful, and can wreck my life. Go ahead, I know
you're dying to.
NMM asked about my response to first artistic nude she sent, leg and
breast to do painting from - why it was different from response to
later bathtub pics. We will find things to talk about - let it
happen organically - if not, then that is what is sposed to happen,
tho it seems we both want this communication to work because it's
fun. Okay - but don't cling.
L has been good, listening to me stress about LA. Thank you.
K in Tanzania for TED.
Sooz enjoyed total eclipse.
Buff gave me a book.
I have a whole day off with no plans.
Tomorrow free with hikes and music.
Plenty of food, clothes, toiletries, yard, etc.
Life is good. Don't let this one issue bring me down.
I can do LA trips - I don't like it because it wipes me out, can't think
clearly for days - on other hand, keeps me in touch with LA folks,
get free meals, day off from ppt. So think positive. Many people at
company are asked to work past point of exhaustion.
Mom's birthday last week - I missed call - call his morning - Happy
Birthday Mom! Another gold start in my life. Count blessings,
accentuate positive, keep sunshine in my heart. Put string on finger
to remind me to count blessings.
Arrange to meet Robbie Sun to pick up UK candy - or see if he's
See - this is a great life. I am not as isolate as I think. If I fall -
there are people who might be willing to help - if not catch - me.
Bummed about expensive hotels on coast - but let's see if they drop to $75
in Fall - that works, too.
Thu Aug 24.17 nm
'ME 'photo book out - long IM w/NMM Wed - both working through
unexpected feelings - she for old selfies of young Robert, me for
her? I guess? Which we both know is crazy - but expected - normal
for this to happen - language barrier ad to confusion, but also to
fun - it is fun, and uncomfortable desires which are not only
unattainable, but undesirable will pass soon enough - no need to
over-analyze. It is fun, okay.
Noted that first nude selfies/penis pic are late 76, Shattuck Hotel,
Berkeley - first erection pic not till two years later, Davis - of
course back then it was negative film, pre everyone-has-a camera
selfies - so fear of getting caught and shamed was intense! Internet
has made porn common - back then much more shame.
Anyway - I was feeling sad about NMM, so was honest, and so was she - we
know it's nuts and also normal, so we'll be fine. It's part of
gateway - crush-y feelings for someone you barely know - to
potential longer-term friendship. Man-woman friendships not always
easy. Value it, treat with respect.
She wishes we'd met in the 70s so maybe fun outdoor nudity and romance -I
wish we'd met so I could have shot her nude, and who knows? Okay -
so there's some emotions, but also some fun in this hiccup - so
enjoy it! As she said, nothing bad can happen - we're safe - so
enjoy this petite romance.
Talked to Boston Williams-Lea HR lady about LA trips, sent doc note and
other documentation. Maybe do the 1-day LA trip, then work from home
2 days? Might work. Develop a better attitude about Dallas training
- freaking out about flight and being tired during training isn't
helping. Do it, or don't. I think in my mind I will retire at 65 -
barely 1,5 years from now - that is not necessarily true! It puts
pressure on my push for raise - I need it now, because it may only
last a year! Think long-term - if I get the raise 6mos from now, it
will add up, maybe make it worth staying. someone else can do the
training after I leave. I am not all that important. And setting up
Video-Conf training situation could make working from home viable.
No wifi at home - so will need to go to Nomad. For 8 hours. Weird, but an
option. A band-aid.
Also, say I have no credit card, and WL should pay for plane ticket..
Mentioned compensation - she said up to Tim - or new dept head - which
might not be for months. I could ask, assuming there will be an
increase, that it be retro-active. Fair is fair.
Meantime, working slower, less push, no more proactive training materials,
no tips of week, slowing down on facepages. Etc. Making every job
count for official time - 1hr per complex slide - is helping -
avoiding burn-out if best for everyone. Slow... nothing to prove...
chill... my best friend died, I had near-crippling body pain for 6
months - still some depression... do not overwork.. I am not healed
from it - can I feel it? How was I a year ago - feeling happy and
fulfilled at times- not recently... listen to my body - it is saying
take it easy. I have given lots to work - now is the time to give
back to me. Make this job easy as possible. Take some sick days.
Seriously - seriously Robert - I am not at 100% and need mental and
Wed Aug 23.17 nm
Morning IMs from N explaining what happened, how she sent the pics Sun
- okay - I am reacting defensively, like a jilted internet bf. Sad.
So obviously I'm - involved, affected - best thing is to back off,
take advantage of opportunity to back off, let go, not treat my
hormones like reality. It was a one-time fun event, and we both know
it is unwise to continue. Just because it's a big fast pretty train,
doesn't mean it's not headed into a dark tunnel, ending in a brick
wall. Take my memories of pleasure and settle down. The morning
sunrise says: Move on. It was a one-time thing. A pleasant fluke. A
one afternoon turn-on share. Anything that leads to so much
confusion on our parts is probably not a good thing - there's no
foundation for it. We though -I thought - being artists might
suffice, but sex/emotion alchemy - sex becomes emotion becomes
confusion, and now defensive poutiness. Wise up. Beck off. Let go.
Be a big boy, don't cling. Kiss joy as it flies.
I have all the power here - do not avoid the internet - take my time, give
myself space - at least this morning. I'm not sure there's anything
more to say. Right now I'm not sure why she wrote what she wrote -
and it doesn't matter if I don't understand - and I am not required
to respond, esp if I have nothing to say. ha ha
A little defensive. Chill. Breath. Eat good food. Get good sleep. Love
myself. Photo-wise, I am not wanting anything specific from her. So.
It's okay to let go and relax.
Is future this may seem like nothing - but it is a good learning
experience, about the power of romance, sex, covered holes of
loneliness waiting to be filled.
Sleep ~10pm, up ~6, snooze till 7. Remember to Skype Sooz Thurs.
Last night 2x I posted then took down:
I don't want
to say stop just yet
maybe we will learn from
these experiences we just had
and become more
comfortable and have ways to deal with it
with less confusion
Who knows what's next? There's no right response. Be honest, keep eyes
on that we are enjoying each others' contact. Don't
ask for more photos. I have not done anything wrong;
she is not saying I did. There is nothing to defend.
Just - it is getting uncomfortable for both of u, we
stepped into the realm, it was exciting and fun, but
not right way forward. So we act like adults and
stop. Anything more like that - keep carefully
wrapped in artistic perspective. I don't need to
tell her again I'd like more, because I've already
Okay - time for me - make bucket list: Good bike, Mexican cruise.
Stretching, yoga. Cooking at home. Make my hippie
fantasy of health and serenity a reality. I'm close
enough to touch it. It can be done. I can have it,
if I reach out to touch it.
Oh - and - less time on politics - Trump's ugliness, America' systemic
failure and eating itself is depressing - there's
life to be lived - step away - Huffington post is
one-sided lying garbage.
Leaked Miley Cyrus selfies peeing!? Much better... :-D
Tue Aug 22.17 bed 8:33
Randy sick, in 6:45am, work slow fortunately - training Sheva temp, but
IM'd w/NMM - some confusion about photos she shared Sun - it's
complicated - I saved IMS: sexy vs. artsy selfies.
After wk 3:30, Chinatown, more IMs, cooling off - photos of store
windows/exchanges while walking, on BART. I think we're on top of
it. Never a good sign. Hah hah, It's fun; I like her. Language
barrier is fun/frustrating. Walk to Union Square, Powell BART >
> Rockridge BART > espresso at sidewalk table > nice > lovely weather,
make note > sushi boat > down Alcatraz, cut north around
neighborhoods > felt good, no weakness in legs/knees > knees getting
better, I'm stress-testing them. That was fun getting off work
early, walking through SF, then Rockridge to home - it's becoming a
No word from Tim on compensation. Iain will also contact Tim about no
1-day trips to LA. I again said Video Conferencing Option please.
Sent Tim, Iain, Tracey doc note. Now they all know, since it seems
neither Taf, Jeff nor Randy told him. Weirdoes.
Okay. Cool. This day went well. Now, music, lightshow, subtle but nice
pot, good fave music collection, deco lap on...
How about a good bike?
Save more. Finished Psycho - good! wow - now to Roy Cohn's autobio
- good first 6 pgs... Kind if want to Skype Parri... Do it. Take a
Mon Aug 21.17 nm
Okay to enjoy pics from NMM as exactly what they are - helps soothe a bit
of lonely hole, adds a small spring to step, light in darkness - it
is not at all same as L. But there is trust earned. Enjoy; don't
make more of it than what it is; tho I'd like to think it innocent
by virtue of sprinkled art pixie dust, it is us turning each other
on a bit, enjoying being seen & accepted, enjoying compliments, she
called them flowers - as adults, being honest to avoid causing harm,
this is an okay thing. I am very blessed to be in a position to do
this, under cover of art - artists can do this; others also,
everyone shares selfies; as artists we, in addition to the turn-on &
fun, share a bit of ourselves, talent, ideas - so, extra color and
flavor - win.
Bullet list - cruise - week south to warm Mexico - 4 days $3K? Look into
Be a bit more selfish $$$.
Pick up Xo/K candy from Robbie - this week - no need to explain or
apologize - E's lack on responses to my outreach - between he & I.
3 weeks till 4-day weekend jazz/Blues with Eric by River. Esp when there's
no big stars to get excited about, Eric, cottage on hill in redwood
grove, meals, putt-putt golf, river valley location, festival-goers
to chat with - it's a vacation first, music fest second. So very
exciting to look forward to. et there early Friday.
Pablo Cruise BBQ this weekend, Sons of Champlin weekend after - have seen
them both a few times now, so not *exciting*, but a good time at a
superb location/well-run venue where I am recognized as regular.
They tolerated my acting out/shenanigans over years - I got message,
more respectful. Thank you for that. I get over-stimulated.
Eating at home more - BB pre-made soup/salad/sushi is awfully
convenient/healthy! Much cheaper than restaurants. Still - a few
more meals made at home - lentils/rice w/veggies would be tasty,
healthy, save me thousands/year. And fun. And one of those things I
think I'd do when I'm 'retired'.
Scrimp and save.
Bucket list of things I think I'll do after 'retirement' - and do them
now. Make then now. There is not future. Then is now, now is then.
Be here now.
Escapism is losing.
Things I want to do but put off because I am invested in work - it defines
me - imagining life without I feel lost, depressed, invisible - yes!
-I fear to face it, so I don't change, frozen. Working at a
place like Bain improves self-esteem. That's fair - there's a bit of
status, but not same status I own by loving my friends, goddaughter,
self, family. Starting to live life I might have post-work could
ease step-down, grease skids etc. More focus on life, self-love;
less reliance on workplace status.
Cut work focus by 15%, add that focus to me. Everyone wins. I am not paid
enough to do so many extras. Slowly withdraw. Work amount my
compensation covers + 10% more icing. I'm a star regardless, just by
my natural talent/work ethic (fear of termination and starvation).
Really - a lot of this is: If I'm gonna be new-styles lead trainer for
three West Coast offices = 400+ people - obviously I can't do that
alongside my other tasks - anyone can see that. So cut back on in
Sun Aug 20.17 II bed 8:30pm
Sat after Cotati fest, zombified @hm, decided I could sit & surf
net zombified at laundromat - and yes, it's nice to have that done -
clean clothes, towels, bed. Sleep late, up early - restlessness.
Anyway - not much today - 11:30 am Berk Art Museum was mildly amusing:
Buddhist sculptures, Indian miniature paintings, local surrealist
painter Howard (promoted by Julien Levy who shot nudes of Frida),
room with couple dozen life-sized clowns laying around, and big
shoes hanging from wall - I am cynical and sneer but WTF? I was
amused educated entertained, taken out of myself for an hour,
upstairs espresso and cinnamon pastry w/view of Center street - also
perfect parking across street, weather lovely; so stop sneering -
it's a campus museum and darn good or that.
Book store - Spillane, Sin City, Holmes and sundry, groceries/meals on way
home: soup, pretzels, sushi.
Lunch at home, clean out Camry trunk, hideaway trunk-only key under back
driver's side wheel well, actual keys hidden in trunk - showed
Buff/told DJ where; 2nd trunk key hanging above calendar. I think
that covers anything I can imagine -
Gather roof rack pieces together - now what? One of those neighborhood
IM'ing w/N and other - I think N&I know what's going on/same page - more
pics/talk - organically came to moment we wondered if it would, she
said one of my models looked just like her from waist down, so now I
know what she looks like, all light-hearted tho, she says will shoot
maybe send, sends more tub shots waist down, liked compliments - do
I enjoy as artist or man, I say both, and also tell how first legs
shot s from months ago were so arousing and I didn't want that to
dominate how I thought of her. I think we managed it fairly well.
Still uncertain, concerned about misunderstandings bemuse of
language barrier. But this was very cool. Saved choppy (no 'row
headers') transcript of day's IMs, for trans-language words we chose
- wrong but I get it then it's not wrong. Nice/
Frida site person said my pics helped her (and others?) get comfortable
w/Os other deep discomfort. Cool. Good to aiding people get
fulfillment, & flattering. :-)
Wifi cafe morning, shower/wash hair, wear new accordion-fest pants/shirt -
very comfortable actually - nice -, museum, book store, groceries,
lunch, tidy car, hideaway backup key, rack parts, chat w/Buff DJ, IM
w/K about her trip to Tanzania tomorrow/Xo/E, Robbie IM'd pic of
British candy Xo left me (from she & K), pics & long good IM w/N.
Looks like a pretty cool day no?
Sun Aug 20.17 nm
Focus much more energy on my life, what I enjoy, things I like to do
that I am putting off till after I retire - ha ha - seriously,
start a list, and do them - yoga, walking, stretching, a 3-wheel (?)
bike of some sort - a cruise - do it - do it all now - a van to
sleep in? Do it. Don't wait. Live now - don't make work my whole
Seriously - winter coming - don't sit around and mope - shoot nudes - play
guitar - get a good camera - whatever I like, I can afford - do it.
Missing Gil, I am grieving, don't neglect that I'm not okay about it. Take
care of myself. We all have burdens, and all must take care of
Also, I'm 63, I tire more easily - this is a simple physical fact
of life - do Dallas, but if they fly me out at night, or at 4am, do
not pretend it's ideal. Don't pretend I can do both my production
and west Coast training - do one or the other - take all the time I
need to prep for training - get a private room - practice - do not
do 1-day trips to LA under any circumstance - do not be snarky or
hostile - but do not take the blame for their decisions. I have
nothing to prove. My job is not in danger.
Jeff and Taf left because they got paid more to do less, and less
stressful work - something to think about.
I am not suck there. I could get temp jobs.
Breath - stretch - I am under no pressure. Out enough pressure on a Human
Resource, eventually they will burn out then break. Love. Treat them
with love. No matter what - make their time with me the best time
they have all day, so they look back and think what a pleasure it
was to be near me. Be charming when I say no.
"I'm so sorry you are in that position - everything is going to be okay.
So sorry I can't do that - I know you'll find a better solution. I
know you don't mean to pressure me, or bully me - you're in a tough
position. How can I help without compromising my mental and physical
Working an already stressed out high-value human resource to point of
burnout and breakdown is not a viable solution to this problem.
Because I can't - not won't - can't do it.
I'm preparing - work has become a drag - duck, dodge, weave - I can do it
- I'm an independent entity at work because I'm so good at my job -
I can do this.
I can do this. everything is going to be okay.
IM's with Mex/Ital artist NMM - pic of CCAC art student in burn zone she
says looks like her from waist down - cute - flirty - shapely legs,
nice feet - beautiful skin - mentioned visiting bf 20yrs older - was
that a hint that there's a limit to flirting because of our age
difference? That would be good if we defined a boundary. Thanked her
for sharing her beauty - she said maybe more bathtub pics of legs if
she liked them. I really want them, but only if they come
organically as part of developing online trust/friendship.
Rough but okay sleep - bed towel has been churned up, twisted last week or
two - work stress, I think, but maybe also weight of Gil's death
settling on. First emotional reaction was almost a protection
against looking at rest of my life without him. That makes me deeply
Woke Sat - what to do? Restless and slightly crazy - poster on my
page, Cotati Accordion Fest weekend! Yay! A thing to do! Some
traffic - ~ 1.5hr to get there - $15 parking across street -
overcast, but it cleared, sunny and perfect ~12:30 - nice! Chicken
burrito and Great Morgani in Mondrian outfit - :-D
Wandered, enjoyed dance tent, front stage Italian guy in fancy outfit did
piece w/notes set to woman's singing - exciting!!
$40 Mexican drawstring pants & $40 green shirt, $20 festival t-shirt, $10
burrito, $15 parking, $6 IPA, $7 coffee = $138 - part of the event
maybe, to spend a bit, support booths, event, town - that's how it
works and keeps these festivals going.
Drive home reasonable - always slows ~Petaluma - took frontage road at
Albany - interesting - sushi @home - Buff bought hose and rake!
Okay - yes, I think it helps to vent here about work, organize (somewhat)
my thoughts, see how they sound, how they look in print - are they
reasonable? am I okay?
What battles are worth fighting?
No 1-day trips to LA is worth fighting for. I may need to re-fight it.
Adjusted compensation is worth fighting for.
I cant lose the LA business - that is settled.
As for compensation - if answer is no, and no symbolic actions - more PTO
for instance - then I start handing off say, facepages, theme
creation, video editing. Just tell Randy - I'm going to start
handing this stuff off - let's have a dept meeting. Make it work for
me. They can see I can't do it all. Obvious.
Life hack - more focus on things I enjoy. What is my bucket list.
1985: Ellen, Chae, JaiJung - at Ralph's nr CCAC. Wonder
if she is alive?
Sat Aug 19.17 nm
Fri Randy was sick, so was Culi/Alex - both showed then split, so I
closed, 10hr day - fortunately I was well-rested, also fortunately
work was slow. Did a fancy photoshop Lego job that came out well,
pleased high-placed global person & made client CEO laugh. Bam!
Sent hour corrections to Williams Lea Tim who's running things while we
look for new dept head, asked to discuss compensation - who to talk,
to etc.- ; he is super-busy, bad timing? - there is no good
timing to ask for increases in compensation -
- but also good timing as they can ill afford to lose me - my importance,
non-expendability is front-and-center. Good that I asked, good that
I waited till I felt rested calm and clear -good that I had just
done a good photoshop job for a major player and also did dept alone
when everyone else called in sick, and tons of training coming up -
mentioned training for 5 diff companies above Bain - , get ball
rolling. If answer is no, or wait, or impossible
- I will make my discontent plain, insist that some
of my tasks be taken over by others, continue my self-protective
relaxing, focusing on enjoying job and my own happiness.
Don't work myself to exhaustion for a place that doesn't value my
My compensation should reflect my upcoming roll as lead trainer for
west coast ~400 people deserves better pay. Simple as that.
If have no power to make it happen, other than to make my case strongly -
I can only do what's necessary; no more. If their attitude is
fuck Robert, fuck his health, fuck his morale, fuck his compensation
request - I know how to respond to people who say fuck
Or do I?
Bla bla bla... talk is cheap. Take real steps - longer lunches, more down
time, more fun, less work, constant meditation/breathing to make
my happiness my first priority vis-ŕ-vis work. Make my work
reflect my compensation. I can do that, and everyone will understand
- my value and talents are well-proven, I can rest on my laurels for
a few years. Don't work so hard. I have nothing to prove.
If I need to prove something to myself, let it be how well I can live, how
much health and enjoyment I can bring to myself, how much I can love
my friends, and be a good person. No need anymore to base so much of
my self-esteem on how well I do my job, or get better at it - I'm
great at it.
Have some notes ready in anticipation of pushback if/when Tim wants to
talk. Who else can I talk to if necessary?
Body continues to feel better - can take stairs easily again. Climbing in
and out of bed easier.
Sad about E's non-communication during his visit - I knew it, knew it
wasn't like 5yrs ago - I can take some blame: I was/am in denial
about situation, that I've reached out much more to K, almost none
No hope left there.
Barren after Gil's death.
Barren after I invest heavily in Nan's friendship only to have it turn out
barren. No one's fault, my choice. It is what it is, I took a
chance, gambled my energy, that a friendship could be sparked out of
a of sexual obsession plus shared experiences. When a gamble fails,
you cut your losses, walk away from the table, and don't look back.
Let go. Take Nan's nude down off my wall. Start life anew.
These old bitterness's I hang onto are like quicksand that slow me down
- walk away. I got my own life to live. Laundry to do, yard to
tend, cottage to tidy, books to read, healthy body and mind to care
No point at all to worry about old age or disaster - none of that may ever
happen. I have savings, friends, a network who I can expect some
support from. Being single helps - I have no family/children/wife to
walk away from if I must go solo. Buy a van, lay down a mattress,
get a chamber pot - do what you must. Survive. I've been there -
homelessness does not hold the same terror and shame for me it does
for many others - been there, done that.
Slept well - Fri after work groceries/salad - heated up clam
chowder snack dinner - container of Mideast salad $5. Got a
sandwich, Tilden walk might be nice. :-)
More? Work, sleep, eat, read, social media w/Lo, K, NMMi. Haven't seen
Stacey in a while - Tilden Sun?
Thu Aug 17.17 nm
Okay - calming down - E&Xo in town, difficult transition from months of
pre-visit excitement, nervousness, anxiety, anticipating lots of
visits, awkwardness, re-bonding, maybe it being 'like it used to be'
- then experiencing huge changes, gaps, dead zones... no one's fault
- just how it is, now I know, good to know.
Work call from Tracey, head Ppt person, expecting me/us to double amount
of energy we are expected to expend to train 400+ West Coast people.
But no WebExs. No doubt wanting us to do 1-day trips to LA. I told
Tracey my doctor doesn't want me doing that. Taf said he discussed
it with Iain, so even tho Iain didn't go for overnights for me, he
knows I'm not doing them. So I think I'm covered, tho sometime in
Sept shoot them an email to make it clear, so there's no surprises.
Give them time to come up with an alternative. But don't collapse -
value myself, my health, my opinion, my doctor's POV. Don't do it.
And - find a way to feel good, loving, cooperative, empowered - do
it in a way that everyone feels good at the end, everyone wins, no
guilt-tripping anyone, just self-love - I love myself, I enjoy
having good health, I don't enjoy being overworked to point of
burn-out, exhausted to point of feebleness, and brain-dead illness.
Love love love. Self-empowerment. Health.
Do this right.
Be good. Be loving. Be open.
Dumping some fb 'friends' (some maybe post-Gil?), unfollowing almost
everyone - replacing them with nothing, less mental fluff of
strangers' posts. Mainly art pages.
Slept pretty well - post work groceries, bowl of hot clam chowder.
Looked in fridge this morning: eggs, berries, hemp milk, soup, salad,
bread, almond butter, jam - all good food.
Wed brought suitcase to work: brought home lots of CDs, tapes,
wires, backup drive, papers of various types(?), Music: What
Happened, pack of D80M stuff, etc - cleared off magnet board - mess
was making it more difficult to do stuff - feels better - keep
clearing shit off - training temp - reminded Randy I'm doing 4day
weekend for Jazz/Blues. He didn't know, this gives him ~1mo to bring
someone in. Meantime, a policy of no vacations till we get someone
new is not gonna fly, and unlikely to be discussed. And I'm going.
Like Rob's vacation last week.
Work's been a mess, took many months to replace night person, then Taf
left, then Jeff left - so been short-handed for over a year? Plus
disruption and energy drain of training, getting new people up to
speed. New dept head, if we ever get one, needs to be trained in
Admin stuff and ppt stuff. Meantime, I am invaluable - okay, that's
good - and also will be leaned on to do many tasks no one else can
do - video, themes, facepages, photos -
- so balance that out. Use my high-value to take long lunches, breaks, do
not try to work faster - I'm already fast and effective. Done.
Period. And no raise, so they are wanting to motivate me to work
extra hard. Just do my job, get paycheck, enjoy human interactions,
enjoy enjoyable parts of my job - edit videos, scan negatives, use
social media to be in touch with friends, check news. Relax - even
if I get a raise, what would I do with a few extra thousand a year?
It's worth asking - but I'm okay. And can probably get part-time
temp work with my ppt/photoshop/excel/chart-building skills.
Tue Aug 15.17 nm
Not responding to E's vague too little too late IMs re visit
tonight/tomorrow - you can't have me fro free. Took a week to
contact, ignored my emails/IMs, last minute group party at Robbie's,
okay. Then ignore my photos, emails - offered to visit Chinatown /
my work - ignored my emails about last weekend, my offer to cancel
Sat plans to make time for them - then Mon, how about
You know, fuck you. No.
It hurts, brings up pain/dislocation of last 6+ years, pain of divorce,
watching my good friends/goddaughter suffer - even the financial
sacrifices (small tho they may be) to help support single Mom. Here
we had a chance to open up lines of communication that would benefit
everyone - I think? - but no - fuck it. I did my duty - 7hrs w/Xo,
bowling, hiking, sushi, ice cream - she knows I'm here and love her,
will help her, and get along with her Dad - I'm sure that makes her
feel better. But there is a big age gap, so quality time, just her &
I, probably not necessary. Saw her, chatted, gave her $$, told her
'I love you and I miss you, and hope I get to see you more while
"Thank you for everything."
Done. We did our duty to each other. Cool.
Now move on back to life - but stop here a moment and mourn, and accept
what has happened, acknowledge my responsibility, I am not a victim,
obviously I am more in touch/financially supportive of K, she is
more responsible/competent parent, Xo is my focus - so. Here we are.
Here it is. Now. Be. Here - accept. I can't change it, except by
doing what I've already done. Breath into this moment.
Stressing over call announcing big training and app changes @work -
Don't feel guilty/fearful about protecting my health, re no 1-day trips to
LA, or even asking for day off before Dallas day-1 training. It is
my right and responsibility to look out after my health, and protect
my boundaries - mental and physical - if the thought of this pile of
work and work not giving a fuck about my well-being is causing me to
feel depressed, that is of serious concern. I can draw a line and
say no - I am physically incapable of doing that. You want me to
take on this huge important task, I have a big say in matter when it
affects my health. I can say no, and let them work around me. It is
not all about them. I am not a slave. They do not own me.
Work is a mess - my desk is a catastrophe - bringing suitcase to work -
bring home stacks of CDs, other stuff, scanner? Clear it all out.
Person I started training 2 weeks ago left, new person started
yesterday. Nice girl - but damn. Lots of training.
Mentioned to Randy about asking for raise and why - asked if he wants to
be involved, he wants nothing to do with it. Okay. Good to know.
Call in sick some day.
Take a sick day. Fuck it. If I'm feeling tired, exhausted, mentally
depressed, agitated, angry, anxious - take a sick day.
Remind them of my 4-day weekend in Sept/Jazz/Blues.
Slept well last night -~10:30-7 - feeling rested.
Look at the time - 8:54 - late! How'd that happen.
Oh yeah - Trump saying Nazis and people demonstrating against them are
morally equivalent. That caught the world's attention. Cool.
Feeling better as I focus in the moment, not the training months from now.
Take things as they come. The future is unknowable - if you worry
and nothing happens, you've wasted energy. So don't worry. :-)
Mon Aug 14.17 hm 7:54pm
Big training coming up in Oct - updated work app/Toolbox - 3
days in Dallas - okay. How will we do it when we're open
7am-2am - who knows? She said tell Iain has to be done, both Randy &
I - oops - Randy on vacation. Oh, so all 500 people on me. Uh - fuck
you? She mentioned well. you can work Mon, then fly to DAL
afterword for Tues am training. Uh, no. No no no.
Important training she said over & over - okay, then fly me there
Mon so I am well-rested for Tues am training. There is
no other option. That's how it will be. Or get someone else to do
it. If I'm training hundreds of people, spread out over many teams
as they switch over, dept capacity takes a big hit. Randy gets it. I
think he sees I'm near edge. I won't quit, but not afraid of being
terminated - and have doctor's note re my health. end of discussion.
I types a list of all extras I do above and beyond slide production: 18yrs
of facepages, training, photography, themes, video editing, etc.
So. No. Get sued to saying it. They don't control me. I can say no and
look after my health. If I feel pressured, call them out for it -
even up to bullying if they keep it up. No.
I IM'd E last Thurs about weekend - no word. Today IM'd about 7pm
getogether tonight. Work has me in a bad mood. I felt like, fuck it.
Fuck him. Fuck this last-minute bs. Later he said what about Wed/Thurs?
What about it? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Today I'm
feeling put upon by work, we are so stretched - I have not had a
raise in many years - now they want to dump this huge task on me.
May have to talk to Randy about this. Hate to. But yeah - maybe talk to R,
then email both he and Tim and ask how we can move this forward.
Yes. Do it. I am close to becoming a really unhappy camper.
If I'm going to be required to almost single-handedly do this, I
want compensation to reflect my efforts.
Let's sleep on it - some trouble sleeping last night, could have been
result of three mixed drinks at Nicasio/pudding in bed. Sure. Okay.
Sugar and alcohol. Give it a day to wear off. See how I feel
But rework letter I gave to Taf - include list of work I do above/beyond
slide production, suggest of there's a cap, to look into a
misc/trainer designation, or suggest alternatives - more PTO, 7r
days, non-hourly (40 regardless?), something to show I'm
appreciated. Otherwise, I need to drop some things and start pushing
back, slowing down on others (every two months facepages, Culi does
themes, no more new hire photos). Something.
Okay? Okay. Value myself. Stand up for myself I rock. I fucking rock. I
deserve a raise. Go get it. Go, Bob, Go!
Sun Aug 13.17 nm
Sat after nm, ~10am no word from E/Xo, so Eric/sushi - shower,
drive to HW store/groceries - new Camry key only unlocks trunk); I
mention $300 price, they say no no no University locksmith - at home
bowl of clam chowder, shower, locate locksmith - dispensary for a
variety of flower/4:1 tincture for E, also bring Gil's painkillers
(8, E got 4) -
Locksmith bottom of University - parking right out front (!) -
nice/interesting guy, other customers come in I say I'm in now hurry
& he helps them, we call chat - fun! - he is appalled at $300, says
more like $35 - also got key for steering wheel lock - should have
got 2 for hideaway, but, maybe next week. Or today? Both keys, plus
hideaway holder/tags $65. Dang. Good feeling. Tax return,
cheap/easy/fast key replacement - right on.
Traffic heavy stop-and-go whole way to SR, till last 10 miles - music and
AC made it tolerable but no fun. Could have turned around but point
was to see Eric, so - hang, split up painkillers/flower/tincture, I
take comic books etc; get to Osake 45mins before open - gah!!
starving!! - - explore rich neighborhoods and visit nice big
park with beautiful lake, paved trails - next time visit more!
Kobe beef dinner, lots of sushies, 2 bottles cedar sake, drank 1.5 sake -
with all food did not get too intoxicated - with tax $300-something.
There we go. Fun to feel rich now and then. Walk around block,
drive home very easy - try new flower, feel almost nothing -
- beginning to wonder how much of pot effect is mental.
I see pics of Xo/Katie on Robbie's page - ok - 11yr-old kids don't wanna
hang around old folks - I get it - no prob - I have always been a
distant figure, unseen, sometimes contacted by mail/internet - a
source of support - that's fine - she thanked me, in her own way she
loves me and I love her - quiet support from afar is my role. Cool.
10am - call Mom - eat something - chill, shower, nap, Asleep at the Wheel
Home - eat - Mom - chill - water yard - shower - on her art page NMM
posted nude drawing she did of me sitting Shiva 1977 - fun.
Tom posting pics of Shirley's stuff she's getting rid of - nothing I want.
Is she planning to move, or die? Mom will tell. Get to Nicasio
early? 3? For extra good seat? I'm fine by side - easier to get up
w/out drawing attention to myself (like Subdudes).
Not getting photos albums, I no longer want, not getting cemetery stones,
I no longer want or need, is 20years ago - let go of resentments,
let go of sense of being wronged, that if she'd been more
fair we could be - what? Friends? some communication channel? -
unlikely - if I let go of those there's nothing between
us - nothing - no more shared friendships (Gil),
let go; friendship w/Marge/John is independent of Shelley - it
really is. No contact. No relationship. Nothing to be worked out.
Nothing of hers I want. Let go. Gone. Move on.
Let go of everything. Forgive. It's all good. I am not a bad person.
I'm a good person. In his own way Dad is/was silently saying Go Bob,
Go! You're doing great! Go Bob, Go!!
Sat Aug 12.17 nm
When work stuff gets crazy (Jeff left, eve Rob vacation etc) I get
stressed and unhappy - I just want it to be easy, get it over with,
not feel taken advantage of - I do have all the power - I can say no
to requests, I can take a sick day - I could even quit - I choose to
stay for my own reasons (money mostly), but also, I like training,
human contact/interactions, - in bed this morning asked myself about
scanning, photoshop, video editing etc - does it add up to a
worthwhile, high-value thing? - it is letting me do my 'art' -
nothing could be more important - so, yes. Like Craft Center in
Davis, which let me work with bands, along with Design Dept studio.
Bam - Gil is gone, Sooz/Cheeto in OR (but Skypes help a
lot(!)); Game Theory projects over: last couple years have
been about rereleases, organizing, digging through, scanning,
cleaning up working with Omnivore - all good, okay, but kept
one foot in the past - now done, being here now sometimes
feels stagnant, stopped, stuck - gray - but - no - normal life. All
good. Just a minor adjustment.
Don't sweat the small stuff - if I have my health, it's all good.
Closed yesterday and stressed about last-minute work coming in - breath,
Restful but sketchy sleep, woke ~6, snoozed to ~8 - laid there as I do say
listen to body, what does my body want?, then thought: who
is listening to body, I am my body, my body is me, Listen
To Myself, What Do I Want? Same thought paths as since Gil died,
stop roof leaking - make it a priority, old excuses non-operational
-, no being a victim at work, no being over-generous, let Buff buy
me sushi, tell people their drinking and emotional pressure to get
to me drink makes me uncomfortable - define and defend my boundaries
as necessary: What Do I Want? I can say Yes or No. It's my
deal. I am no victim. Take responsibility for my own skin. No one
Legs/hips continue to feel better, left arm more flexible tho there's a
core area of painful tenderness that does not like to be stretched -
more stretching/massaging/balm(?) might help that along.
Emailed & IMd E & Xo about Sat/Sun hang - he saw IM (you can see if
they've been), no response - 10:16 - that's it - window closed -
head to SR ~ noon? Walk around explore - stop by dispensary, Eric
asked for some of Gil's pain killers, okay. CA tax return, looks
like they ignored the NY gallery/Frida/Patti rev, ~$177, which is
about normal? No penalty. Cool. Good to have it done. Reading Rum
Punch/Jackie Brown - pow - another winner. Maybe see movie again, if
I can sit through a movie!
Alrighty - me me me - hello to internet friends - K, L, N(uria) - 10:30 -
how about, groceries, shower, tidy cottage, yard care, lunch, head
to SR. Yes.
They are in a pinch at work - they desperately need me to stick around and
be happy. Ask for a raise? Might be good timing.
Things were lively around divorce/mid-life crisis, helped me appreciate
quiet times; lively again around Gil's death following Scott's
suicide by 3 years and record rereleases which put me in public view
- calmed down now - appreciate the quiet times. Ups and downs - ups
are good, so it quiet time.
Fri Aug 11.17 nm
Thu walking to work noticed hip/upper thigh pain gone, knees better
- knees still tender etc, but all over feeling easier, more of
one-body, not a collection of parts focused on painful parts - just,
one day, hip pain stopped - mild euphoria - because of pain-relief,
also confirmation most of it is psychological, so I learn; some
stretching last few weeks, crouching, curling, bending legs - may
have broken up fascia/helped? Anyway, cool - slow down - stretch -
let time heal.
Alone today @wk 3:30-6:30, mentally prepared to say no no no sorry alone
and half-staffed out no capacity. No. No. My mental/physical health
comes first. No. Showed Randy Dr.'s note about LA. Good/Bad: close
if stressful - but - go in @9:30 instead of 8.. yum.
Health is important - and appreciating what I have, wanting what I have,
yes. Accepting things I can't change. Changing what I can.
Looking at polaroids of Shelley/Sarah this week, feeling bad, guilty,
avoiding - it was not my fault we did not get along, it's not my
fault we stayed together so long when it wasn't working; she is
extremely spoiled/controlling - the trade was I love her and she
shares her house/family etc with me - but not herself - she keeps
Chris locked in a cage - not because of I'm a bad person - I'm
not a bad person - because that's her need; maybe if I'd got more
love/intimacy from her I wouldn't have gone looking for
communication & intellectual exchanges which led to sex elsewhere -
Whatever - point is I did some bad things, I did lots of good things -
when it came down to it the intimacy I wanted did not evolve -
likely was not possible - in post-divorce therapy, her inability to
focus on truth, at crisis points where it really was necessary, was
clear - therapist called her on it. Said 'no wonder it makes Robert
feel crazy'. Nothing to hang onto - no core set of values where you
say, okay now is time for the truth. So she's still on drugs, has a
relationship that works for them both - for which I am deeply happy,
I do want her to be happy - and I'm free, and have love I did not
have in the marriage.
So let it go. Good. I loved her. Still wish her well. But do not like
being near her. Understandable. Because there's no way to talk
through our issues - and nothing to be gained I can think of. She's
a taker. Entitled to photos, cemetery stones - there's nothing she
has I want.
Let go. Don't look back and regret - we did the best we could - not look
back and wonder if we can still regain a friendship - we can't. Yet
I want to be The Good Guy - the one who reaches out and tried to
make it work - a friendship - nope. It was good when it was good -
but was never a perfect fit - that was no one's fault. We both had
major fuck-upped parts. It was uneasy - I introvert had a difficult
time being around another person all the time - that extreme
discomfort went on for years! It hurt her. Not me. Not
intentionally. We hurt each other never maliciously - just was who
we were and not a good fit.
So forgive her, and forgive myself - let go of good guy bad girl blame -
that's wrong. Don't try to recreate our marriage only as friends.
Start anew. Let go of the past. It is what it is.
I wrote all this because looking at the polaroids I strongly felt the need
to be The Good Guy - which told me, at least, not to be the Bad Guy
- esp after 20yrs, I needed to do some serious soul-searching, work
if I want to gain top happiness, serenity, mental health.
Thu Aug 10.17 nm
Three people at work, dept open 19hrs day 7am-2am - more than half hours
one-man, supporting ~5depts, not to mention misc requests from
Europe and rest of world. I go to work, show up on time, do my job
for 8hrs, and leave. I do not stress or do excessive OT, because
exhausting yourself physically and/or emotionally is not good for
anyone. Not me, noir company, no clients. Breath - be good to myself
- it's understood by everyone that it's not a normal situation, and
any pressure for us to do more than we can would be morally wrong
and self-defeating. So, all good.
Talked to Toyota dealership about key replacement - some Sat maybe
- not this one, in case time for Xo/E visit - so maybe 2 Sats
Otherwise - cool chill - rough sleep last night, snoozed till 8am.
IM's photos from NMM - one close up nude thigh to one breast. Lots of
cool (selfies?) paintings. I balance between youthful sexy reaction,
and seeing art in it - as she says she does with my youthful nude
selfies. Stops between shares to catch breath, settle, not get
caught up in sexual momentum. Some quiet times. Artistic bonding.
K in Europe. E&Xo here. K cousin Vic pregnant in Paris. Tom sent
photos of Shirley's knick-knacks for us to choose from. Asleep at
the Wheel this Sun. Cucumbers, tomatoes in front yard (avoid
resentment, I enjoy doing it, I told them to take them, and even if
they do not thank me, every time they snag and eat some (I see them
disappearing) they are silently thanking me, my generosity greases
skids in land-sharing arrangement. All good, let is go, let it be
good - any resentment is on me, self-generated - in other words, be
generous, and if make myself subservient and small, that's my
Be here now.
Yes. Life! Good. Today will be a good day.
Thank you for sharing your beauty.
Wed Aug 9.17 nm
Woke up thinking I'm alive - Gil's dead, not me -
Scott committed suicide, I did not.
Enjoy my life while it's here.
hahaha - dept head gone, night guy on week-long vacation, we have 2-month
temp being trained - but he may not have been thoroughly
tested/vetted, may not last the week - hahahah - 3 people covering
~4-5 offices & 19hr shift - uh, no. I show up, do my 8hrs, and
Damn - IM'ing w/Buzznet Bobbi Mon pm, Tues am she IM's that
right after we said 'nite she got news her bro murdered - :-( - ;
later Tues am IM'ing w/Mex/Ital artist NMM, as we end she
receives notice close college friend died - yikes! Pain. Internet
friends - I sympathize. Reminder anything can go anytime - get my
life in order in case it's me?
I mean - some sort of will, who gets what - executor - what happens
exactly to Scott negs etc. Is there anything I own I want someone
specific to have - quilt goes to Xo/Karen. Karen gets first pick of
all - and her boxes in corner. Note to family any debts die with me.
What is there really, aside from boxes of negs, slides, proofsheets,
workbooks, backup CDs/DVDs, polaroids, videos - clothes, kitchen
stuff, books, bathroom supplies - Beate table -ART - who gets the
art? Who wants the art? Quilts. Car goes back to Sooz.
Rocking chair. Bike. Camera, computers, phone electronics.
I think, I really don't own that much. And most can go to Goodwill etc.
That's good. Small place keeps me from collecting junk. Items precious to
me - art, posters, gifts, polaroids - mean nothing to anyone else.
Good. It will not be a problem. Scott photos for to K & girls.
Better - not feeling the pressure to spend time w/E&Xo now that initial
7hr visit complete - it can be done - tho it seems to have taken a
lot out of me. There's some pressure for me to confront E, somehow
change him - that will not work, and would come between he & I,
putting me between E & K, and making it harder on Xo, as I'd have
chosen sides, instead of being a consistent force of love. E seems
focused on his 2 news kids, and nothing I say will change that. So
no. He & I have not even spoken in 7yrs, and he knows I am close to
K - so no.
Okay - workitty work work. No raises - already work hard - no raises, no
harder work no.
Love myself, give myself what I want and need, be kind and loving to
myself, the way I do what I want and give myself what I want, looks
like self-love. Cool. Music, nature, art, friends, technology/toys,
beautiful garden, good food, good hygiene - stay away from people
who bring me down.
Tue Aug 8.17 nm
I've invested - in friends, in yard, in myself - they say my rent is cheap
but are not adding $40hr yard work, cost of plants, tools, value
beautiful yard brings to them plus keeping landlord happy with us,
etc - that's rent karma - it's not about getting future pay back,
that viewpoint will create fear, resentment, bitterness (are
resentment bitterness the same, or does resentment cerate
bitterness?), it's about making sure I've giving now what I'm
getting, so I'm comfortable now. Now is what counts. Balance - and I
Anxious about E/Xo visit for months - glad that's done - wiped out
yesterday at work - mentally/emotionally - probably physically, too
- yes, Sun I was beat, but needed forest, backroads, music - so went
and got it - feeling better now - another day - Mon I was
wiped, began to feel normal ~5. Fortunately work was slow. Fun
training with 2 women: Finance and head of something important -
close to office head - they both seemed happy, impressed, grateful -
more power to me. :-) Indispensable.
Legs/hips hurting Mon am - after Olampoli hike? Emotional pain? Pain in
top left arms is lessened but still there and potent when reaching
back certain ways - still - healing? And the way leg/hip pain comes
and goes, lessens when I change mental outlook says it's mental -
but not all - I'm working them - but -
- I've always said when I'm old and pin starts I'll do what's necessary.
The time is now. Yoga. Tai Chi. Something.
K - no word from E/Xo - maybe Chinatown next week?
In early for Sooz Skype tonight.
Mon Aug 7.17 nm
Feeling better, more centered - Sat day w/E, Xo etc was kinda big -
have not been to UK for 6yrs+ - etc.
Wound up Sun am, lox bagel, lv for Olampoli ~noon > beautiful day,
music, light-headed, pbj > walk reverse trail, slow, sore legs/hips
but got better as I walked, I can adjust it sometimes by mentally
saying feel better etc, so psychological - natural beauty - ~1/2 way
through told myself, nature won't do all the lifting, I can decide
to be present - that helped - rocks into stream, toy ball into pond,
no camera/phone/hippie bag - just me & trail: Good. Couldn't have
asked for a more beautiful day.
Backroads to Nicasio > stop in Novato Starbucks sandwich/mocha Frappocino
> and then that was one of nicest day times > slowly driving
beautiful empty backroads, from trail to music - disconnected from
other outside of me actions, eating processed lunch sipping a cold
beverage through straw - perfect light, perfect right? There -
gratitude, letting go - grateful for Sooz's car, music, automatic
Times drive: .45 Olampoli to Nicasio - nice - full of beauty. Walk was
short, too - but quality of enjoyment is what matters. Fresh air,
Nicasio ~3:35 > nice > no great place for low red chair > owner lady sees
me, knows me to some degree as regular/supporter/music & venue
appreciator > comes over encourages me to take place on center aisle
> best seat in house. Front/center - wow - too close I thought, but
turned out perfect damn. Subdudes > so good > great singing,
playing - and funny yes. Like nothing else.
2 top shelve margaritas, salmon/pork combo, checked inside for lost Camry
keys - no luck - cooling off, Bob mentioned RN hoodies > 2nd set buy
one -w/tax ~$50, but WTH. This is my place during summer weekends.
Lv when they do crowd acoustic, don't wanna fight the crowd > prob good,
but ehh > fine driving home (keeping eye on alcohol affects) > easy
drive home > music & ease of window opening/closing/AC makes such a
difference! Home ~8, shower (to wash off sunscreen spray/face E
lotion), so no shower this morning. Sleep well.
I liked Sun, how it played out, know places, distances, timing -
comes naturally Olampoli trail, to backroads, to snack, to music,
okay to be 'late' for music, but - I thought "Seen Subdudes ~3-4x,
not excited.", but they kicked ass - so good, glad I saw whole set.
And front row center - which - is - in some way - a reward for being
cool, supporting venue & artists (buying product), being friendly,
etc. Nice glow of pat on back. Thank you.
I'm a good person.
Sent Scott's Lauran Canyon to K.
Sun was good necessary chill-the-fuck-out to rest/prep for work,
half-staffed. Keep it mind, pre-event anxiousness is always worse
At Nicasio phone rang > from Mom > did not pick up > needed to be alone >
away from all external stuff. I wondered, what if someone died.
Checked VM, she wanted to say hi after 2-3 weeks w/no call from me >
thought she was in Cinci w/Shirley Joan/Tom for a week? Anyway >
Now that Nicasio checked for lost key, car 4x, yard/cottage thoroughly >
call Toyota dealership, drop car off Wed am, pick up after
work? Key business is stressful because if I lose this one I'm
fucked > Sat misplaced it near Albany Bulb for a minute >
mild panic (gah!). Good thing is, I can afford $300 for replacement
- if there is a solution to a problem, it is not a real problem,
just an inconvenience.
Posted pic of me, Xo, E, Ceecee post sushi euphoria > looked at those pics
a lot last night > Xo looks really really happy in both post
sushi/ice cream pics > it was a good day, bowling, Albany Bulb,
sushi, ice cream > but most important, I think, for Xo, is to see
her Dad & I getting along, all day, in a variety of circumstances &
conversations > yes. That was good for all of us. Important. Family.
Whatever differences there are, family support is more important.
She looks really really happy. Most important thing in the world to me; I
did not fake anything > and she would have known > it was good
because it's good.
Sun Aug 6.17 nm
A bit of social anxiety beforehand, but went okay - let go as much as poss
Shower & laundry, Albany Bowl ~3:30, did okay - strikes, broke 100, but
second set arm tired gutter balls - still - I did it, stayed pretty
Berkeley Bulb w/E/XO, Dom, Iskander/Maria and sons, Sierra - kids enjoyed
art stuff, Xo on funky swing, explored, out to tip, back along
water; Xo wore my vest - good to be around each other in
group/interact a bit. Easy to be around, maybe that is most
Sugata w/Sierra, got front private room - so cool! - they loved it, as did
I - lots of sushi, saki, Xo good conversationalist, about school,
food, theater (Hamilton) - , dessert @pecan-based ice cream place
across street. Sugata & ice cream was my idea (and I treated for
dinner), Bulb was me & Sierra (?)'s idea - point, is I added to
thing - behaved pretty well. After felt very good, and pretty good
now - having it done with, taken care of - talked to E&Xo about
visiting Chinatown some week day, and I'll take half day off (before
Home ~10 - tired but charged up - pot, lights, music - sleep well till 7,
snooze till 8 - still some anxiousness about disruptions at work
with Jeff & Rob (night guy) both out, stretched thin, mostly
1-person staff - will have to say no a lot. Write it up to explain
to Iain/boss as necessary. Breath into this - have defense prepared
- do not try to do more than comfortable. Respect my own serenity.
There is no penalty, nothing to prove - I'm golden.
Tho as I write that I think I dreamed of being fired last night -
so there's the underlying anxiety - they've put us in an impossible
situation, and behind all civilized smiles is:
"We can wreck your life"
"Go ahead, I know you're dying to."
But no - they can't - they can't. Because that would be insane. No. They
will not fire me for pushing back on jobs when we have no capacity.
They are paper tigers, all pretense, unreal. Boo! They run.
Overcast - Subdudes BBQ today - before hang at Olampoli? A bit of walking
Cool - lots done Sat - long Skype w/K, shower & laundry,
significant varied hang w/E&Xo, bowled (!), bit of bonding
w/Sierra, lots of socializing was mainly comfortable, good
exercise walking Albany bulb (could do that more) - sushi in cool
private room, ice cream, selfies. Also morning blogging to get head
around work stress - still working on how to deal with it - mellow
out I guess. Be happy regardless. Do not be unhappy about situation
- there's nothing I can do about it, and I did nothing wrong.
It's their problem - I have power, because I can say no.
Sat - beer at bowling, sake w/sushi, sugar ice cream, pot before
sleep - still feeling all that a bit, along with socializing - yes,
quiet time in Olampoli trees.
Sat Aug 5.17 nm
Skype w/K at home, talk it all out, losing her house etc, my evolving
reacting to E in town not communicating much - etc -
Near end E IMs - dinner? Sure. Albany Bowl first ~3 with Iskandar fam?
Shower, Berk Bowl MidEast salad - mm, healthy - helped - mild anxiousness,
but that's okay & normal about any social gathering - and yikes!
bowling. Now big laundry - may have time to stop by downtown Toyota
to make key copy plans. Leave car off some morning, downtown BART to
wk, pick up after work? Might work.
At bowling - I am slight outsider - let go. Have fun.
Sat Aug 5.17 nm
Summertime blues - nothin' goin' on mannnn...
E & Xo in town, but Maria Isk pointed out Xo & Dad having quality time
solo together a good thing, and Xo having more fun w/hi and family
she is used to, same age - I feel like a failure for not being with
them lots, but that's K's thing. Let it go. Let Xo go. Love Xo from
afar. Invest in her account. Send her occasional gifts/birthday
videos - let he know you are thinking of her. At Sunday Robbie party
I said 'Love you, miss you, hope to see you while you're here.' She
said "Thank you for everything," There. Done. Perfect connection. If
I want appreciation, I got it. If I want to be sure she knows I love
her, I told her. Leave it now perfect, as it is. There's a big age
difference, and spending a day together just her & I would be
unnecessarily awkward - maybe we'll have a meal - E IM'd asked about
dinner Fri or Sat - I said sure - then no word back.
Oh, well, That's it. Not gonna sit around waiting for him to
Dreams this morning of breaking into house, people there, leaving security
guard arrives, kids say all is fine, I leave, at car wondering if
guard will come for me, wake up.
Jeff gone from work, no dept head, pm guy Rob on week+ vacation - and temp
here for 2 months (?) needs training - and despite losing 2 people,
still open 7am-2am. Stupid inefficient crazy. Half0staffed, and
we're supposed to be supporting Dallas/others as well. Impossible.
Do not try to do the impossible. Say no. Explain we are half-staffed
and stretched, and do not have capacity, Period. End of story.
Randy along 7-10 = 3
Me alone 3:30-5:30 = 1.5
Culi alone 6:30-2:00 = 7.5
7-2am dept hours = 19
12 hours 1 person.
They'd like us to do OT - for 2 months? No. Close dept at 11pm till we are
Relax, breath, love - enjoy my job - smile as I say no to more work
- I am safe - no one can reasonably be angry at me or dept. Let it
go. Chill. Push back. Say no to jobs. Make a point of breathing,
eating, relaxing, being friendly when turning people down, not
engaging emotionally. It feels like bullying - I feel bullied -
they cannot bully me unless I let them - it's just money /
fanatical efficiently reaching breaking point. Their job is to work
us as hard as they can - they will not stop, unless I say "Enough",
stop there, line in sand, end of road - going home now. Like I did
with 1-day LA trips; I can say "No!" Do that now with
understaffed, overlong-hours dept. Say No.
I will come in, do my job, and do it well - including extras (training,
facepages, photos) - but I have no more to give past that.
There - good - helps to get clear on that.
Supercalifragile arrived Fri - more emotional than I'd've
guessed - a bit of dry-eyed weeping in bathroom - it's all the
photos - tons of memories, when I took them, what was going on, who
was in the band - , but also, when Scott died, one of main pain
points was we/I'd always assumed there'd be more Scott music - now
there is one last, what was he doing near the end - and yes, there
he is, writing about dying love, end of relationship - seeing
clearly, logically, bitterly what was happening, making his lyrics
out of events, honestly, like he always did - he was still and ever
Remembering photo collaboration - he got what I was doing, we both
understood need for good rock photos, what made a good rock
photo; we worked consciously / unconsciously on that he'd get
enthusiastic about my ideas/direction/tweaking and control, saw what
I was heading for regardless of how scattershot - plus it was fun!
- he was not afraid to dive into roll of band leader in pics -
Gui/Gil/Shelley/Donnette (who accepted Scott as boss) understood it
better than Nan/Fred/Dave (who imagined themselves equal to Scott) -
Scott understood how a good photo could sell the band, get in print,
make them look extra cool - bad-ass closed-eye cool shot from Real
Nighttime poster in Berkeley Hills. BAM! Success!
Posted to Scott page polaroid Donnette on my lap 1980 XMEN house finger
pointed to forehead - and later Supercalifragile stuff spread on
bed, thought through all I could say, it all seemed what we all felt
- so just said "- deeply grateful to all involved - ". Shared
Supercalifragile photo w/Tess (Nan's daughter), we discussed Laurel
Canyon lyrics etc, sent her audio file. Funny that I chose to share
the moment w/her - who I think has a genuine interest in gaining
some understanding of that era - not anyone else - it would have
been Gil - made me sad again; lots of pics of Gil in inner sleeve -
stared at pic for a long time - kept coming back to Scott & Gil
working on song backstage at first LA gig. Gil's favorite photo.
All these things are happening outside me: E&Xo visit, changes at work,
Supercalifragile - they are not - my responsibility.
Do some laundry, take a Tilden stroll, see about new car key. Farm mkt
lunch? Sushi in SR? I can do as I like. Freedom.
Life is good.
Yes. Good. Today will be good.
Thu Aug 3.17 nm
Up early for morning training, - in 10 Wed, new temp guy in
without warning - I was passively annoyed/insulted that no one told
me what was up - didn't know he was hired, or when he'd start, need
training etc - left, got conf room & laptop - did training with
underlying surliness - today have morning training then
partner-specific job after, so ha ha too bad maybe training after
lunch - but I won't be taken for granted/left out of loop -
I'll come in, so my job, and after 8hrs, leave... stress of dept
people leaving/retraining, and on top of that not being informed of
what's going on adds to stress/irritation.
Feeling awfully sad - about? Maybe nothing. Maybe Gil? I suspect
having E & Xo in town put in my face what I had distance from when
it was happening in U.K. - collapsing of my network, yes. Feeling
like I don't do enough for Xo - but - I do a lot. Might be bowling
this weekend, if so I will go - might be Berkeley party after
Nicasio BBQ - stick my head in on way home. Emailed 2 sets of photos
from Sun party to E & Xo joint email.
"Chronic stress affects body’s ability to resist infection,
maintain vital functions, avoid injuries. Stressed out people more
likely to get sick, have accidents, sleep poorly, be more irritable,
less fun to be around. - vacations break “stress cycle.”
Exactly - I've been dropping things this last week - E & Xo in
town? A bit of stress, yes.
Not real bad stress - my life remains easy - bad stress is health
gone bad etc. - still, watch it, keep positive attitude, count
blessings, hang out with people, enjoy days out to myself - possible
loss of Bragg vacations because of $225 hotels is sad - 2 nights for
3-day weekend $500 for crap hotel - WTF? Find cheaper coast hotels
somewhere if possible.
Anyway - really - Yes. Good. Do my best today. Today will be good.
Breath, walk, eat good food, keep positive - stress and down
thinking perpetuates more sadness spiral, poor physical & mental
Shake it off - no point being bitter - wok shake-up needn't affect
me! Sure, I do beginning - but not all - training - and there's
sense of being abandoned by Daddy - kept in dark by Mom & Dad (was I
really - by Mom, in some things, manipulation - but always for the
Good - sure -) - anyway, normal to be a bit stressed/sad about work
dept departures/uncertainty - but it's NO BIG DEAL. Get over myself.
Keep walking eating loving breathing eating shitting sleeping.
Wed Aug 2.17 nm
Skyped w/Sooz last night, among other things new person to train
@wk and little Xo contact from E. K says be more assertive.
No victimhood - if I want to see more of Xo and be in touch, reach
out, IM, call, say hello, visit - do group activity w/E/Robbie etc.
But spend time with her! Time together is important, even if we
don't have much to talk about because of age difference. DO IT. No
victimhood. Training is one of (many) things that keeps job
well-secured - do it, don't kill myself to do it 1,000%, do an okay
job and let him learn some on-the-job.
No heaven, no doing good because in back of mind someday I'll be on
death bed, me/others will judge my life - (or I'll be looked over in
heaven) - and it will matter - hah! - no! - this is last breath, no
tomorrow, no past - this today this moment, sunrise to sundown is
it. Enjoy it. Live breath love talk contact my goddaughter. It
doesn't matter. Love here while I'm alive matters.
NMM artist, she mentioned diff between youthful naked Robert in
IM photos vs. Mr Robert - 'adult Robert - in public - also mentioned
another American friend she's doing erotic work with - and - click -
good - minuscule twitch of mild let-down, deflated blood pump
balloon, also relieved me of (in my mind) focus on me. Desire for
nude pics of her disappeared nearly in an instant. Good. I'd like
them, of course, but wanting them was a problem. Now can
continue art friendship if it happens organically. My need wanted to
treat her as an online gf.
I maybe ought to admit I am more lonely (and lovely) than I
generally think, therefore more vulnerable to crushes filling hole -
I need to admit it, acknowledge it with people, so I don't fuck with
myself nor them. Maybe Robbie's right about dating - except, mainly
I'm not interested in making an effort.
Annnnddd... life is good. I have control within my narrow normal
restrictions - there are always restrictions. All I can do is treat
myself well, feed myself right, don't stress myself, esp about
things that don't matter.
Tue Aug 1.17 nm
Up/in early for Sooz Skype night - interviewed two new temp people
for while dept is mgr-free, sounds like we will get new dept head.
These fluctuations at work are annoying/tiring - redundant - train
yet another person - but only in context of everything else working
well - don't let this one thing distract from good life, health,
18yrs at same job/cottage etc - all the good things.
Yes. Good. Do my best today.
Will I get to see E&Xo more? SF, work, Chinatown, or just hang out,
Subdudes BBQ this weekend.
Mon July 31.17 nm
Visit to Robbie's for getogether for Iain Xo - ate clam chowder
before, they late showing up - good to see E, bug hard hug on front
sidewalk - Xo showed up later, quick hug hello, then lots of space,
important thing was to be in same house w/her, Iskander also
visiting with sons, Sierra & other HS chums class of 92 - did I
detect a connection, now, with HS friends, that after all this time,
they were happy to see me - ? they all now near 40s, and me 63 -
interesting - they looked older, wiser, sadder... but good!
Someone talking about Giantess fetish, Eric Stanton book in Cammie,
I describe, brought in, big hit, left w/E friend Max.
Someone stretching legs, I ask about knees, he says sitting bad for
hips, stretching helps a lot! Good news - hope - something to do.
Gave Xo bag of organic jelly beans, talk about Noodlerella, gave
her $100 (asked E first) in 20s, she seemed pretty excited about
that, carefully counting, unfolding bills - a msg from me of trust,
and experience power. She's great. Love her, and on way home let out
a bit of sad dry eye cry. Suggested they visit SF Chinatown and come
visit my office for view.
Sent bunch of pics to K - no response this morning - maybe made her
Kind of emotional peak weekend - usually Sat is chill
Sun busy/hike etc - Sat was super busy productive,
over/under bed - guitars, books, wires gone - put box of old
electronic stuff on Shattuck/Fairview sidewalk, still there this
morning when I dumped off 2nd collection. Those boxes of wires,
guitar tuners/strings, cameras, outdated computer bits - took up
lots of space, lots of duplicates - gone. Cool.
Bed made, food in friend/cabinets, dishes done, stove ready, yard
watered and weeded, venerable growing - lots of big ass cucumbers,
~6 avocados, one strawberry yesterday, lots of tomatoes on the way.
None of which I will eat - I do it for fun, for myself - period -
also enjoy gifting the house - so not resentment - it is 100% my
choice - I may want more attention gratitude for it, but that's my
problem. The thanks I get are the thanks I get. Let go.
Haven't heard back from state tax folks re 2015 taxes - found
letter from DMV asking for registration $$ - so, I just missed it,
maybe got it mixed up with (?) letter from Siouxie donation place
for tax purposes?
Anyway - I'm feeling loneliness with Gil one, Gil who read my blog/fb
posts, always liked/commented, who in his posts turned me onto all
sorta great music, movies etc. Not isolated - let go of that - I
like a certain amount of normal quiet alone times/solitude, but I'm
with housemates, friends, facebook, work peeps - hardly alone!
All good. Life rocks and continues. I was low-key last night, gave
Robbie 2 handrolls from dispensary, $40 towards snacks his gf Lisa
bought and Kertesz photo book; started/engaged in conversations,
talked about public performance/stage fright, other ways of exposing
oneself (blog, online art), showed my Frida & 3 graces - on phone.
Sipped about small whiskey & waters throughout 6-9:30. Seemed fine,
feel fine now.
Okay. Got that over with. Phew.
8:30 - back to workweek - but eventful good weekend. Good feeling
having my living loving space gone through, cleared out, modernized,
Before Robbie house visit: looked all through Cammie for keys,
called dealership about replacement - ~$300, takes all day w/appt,
shower/wash hair, smoothie & clam chowder, can I get just key to
open door, start car w/out door lock clicker? That'd be fine! $300
for a couple of fucking keys? Not if I can help it.
Cooling off about NMM Mex/Ital artist. Good. Fun still, but
irrational momentum of desire for sexual pleasure/photos etc fading.