Wed Nov 22.17 8:29pm
Mostly IM'ing ams so no blogging, just haning on coast
Drove Sun -
Mon raining but nice
Tues nicer, overcast, drove north, cool abandoned hotel photos in
Westport - drive-through tree in Legget - then cannabis Bragg Glass
Beach sunset - cloudy but stunning anyway -
Today was stunning, sunny, not cold/breezy - one-hit cannabis bright green
grass by Headlands trail, sat & meditative - glorious - coffee house
for espresso/muffin, then drive south for overlook parking lot -
kind nice sitting on fence - then spontaneously turn right/east down
to Big River Beach - not sure I've ever been there? Beauty in every
direction, blue-purple-cloud-pattern-filled sky with light patches,
river, trees, bridge, rocks - weather great - well, damn.. 3 hits of
the pot - mild but, potent -that is vacation...
Had Talk w/* - acknowledged our feelings of friendship & enjoyment - so..
for me, being more myself, move past young hippie Robert etc. Giving
that thought today - be serious - I am going to die - be serious and
honest. Also enjoy and share love. Couple of nicely lit bed selfies,
and shower video. I like her.
Grub from grocery store - food bar, yogurt, berries -
Very nice vacation... more beautiful than I expected - more affected by it
and relaxed - may mean I have been more stressed at work than I
- decided to take chance, my response to work lady saying missing punches
could be a performance issue was unnecessary, but not wrong -
leaving it be, assuming it will be between her and I, probably
absolutely nothing comes of it. I stood up for myself, bragged on
myself; that's good.
Doing very little and feeling good - druggy mornings - stick to flower,
the candy is too heavy?
Using cam as phone a lot - tho switched back to Canon today - when back to
SF, new phone w/better cam/more storage.
Artist from India sending nice photos. Cool person.
Mon Nov 20.17 mendo hotel 9:52
Did I really not blog all week? Wow - lots of IM'ing from Italy and India,
also K etc.
Non-eventful anyway. Online relationships - company, conversation, adults
we talk about relationships, sex lives, the past, add it up,
openness not possible when young in middle of fertile maelstrom;
artist or not natural to share photos , sexy then maybe nudes, slow
So - yeah - and keeping honest, with myself more than the other. Keep
calm, take breaks - power exchange, reasonable caution is only wide.
Kiss joy as it flies. I kind of like how my body photographs now -
ironically - old, gray, but lost some weight, bearing, posture, body
language is good, serene, comfortable.
Wed-Fri Thanksgiving, so I took Mon-Tues PTO for
9 full days :-).. Bragg - Mendo small rooms $175!! Way too much =
but I had some times there, and it was fun - so cherish memories.
Sleep ok Sun, up 6:30, already packed, no bike - leave ~8:30? 128
easy driving fantastic beautiful Autumn day - new technology sending
photos during trip is cool.
Discussed learning some Spanish w/Nuria so we can discuss art better. I
remember a bit more than I'd've guessed!
Overcast, so no sunset, sets ~5 - Mendo grocery for supplies, dispensary
for flower/chocolate bar, - got room 138 in dark corner - good room
but no windows - they're moving me into a diff room this afternoon.
I got till Fri pm - that's 6 nights... home Sat... that good?
yeah sure. 4 more nights.. I can add another mid week if necessary.
Work lady asked me to be more careful about punching in on time every day
- I should have just said 'ok', but told her after 18years I had
been told it was no biggy, who I was, respected high-value resource,
19yrs, training for 500 on west coast etc, said if anyone was
concerned, looked at my rep, they'd understand - my business means I
can't always be by the computer to punch in & out.
So that was stupid. But I was pricked by implication someone might think,
after 20yrs, I should be watched like a still-on-probation new hire.
Have UltiPro on this laptop? Maybe write and apologize? Would help put my
mind at roast - it's bugging me a bit. Making trouble where there is
Yesterday on way up, range of emotions, angry, depressed, irritated,
upset, etc as My mind began to get into vacation mode and shed all
daily routine tensions - it's okay I felt - okay to be sad about Gil
dying, okay to be depressed about some things in life - it is not
Packed, moving out of this room so they can clean and pep new room -
coffee, breakfast, and MacKerricher stroll? Rainy Monday
morning - here through Sat morning - nice...
Sun Nov 12.17 hm bed
Pat Thomas at Pegasus talking about Jerry Rubin book - Matt Piucci & wife
there - one of women who took pics of RP cover - bought book,
enjoyed talk - impressive piece of documentation etc - 1st time
meeting Pat but didn't feel like it - what with his efforts to
rerelease Game Theory's stuff - his dramatic telling of post-suicide
picking up GT tapes from Scott V, and having to pull over to side of
road to bawl because of sheer weight of history and tragedy in that
box of reels. Gil had lunch with him shortly before he died - really
enjoyed it - damn. Anyway - cool to see everyone - said hi to RP
Lots of IMs w/N & Mk (also many pics Mk).
Mom didn't answer phone - try again tomorrow.
Would up sitting around both days. Okay. Thing w/Mk making us both lose
sleep. Bit of restless tension. It will pass. I'm assuming this will
pass. We know that. But should enjoy melding heat fun for what it
is. Don't need to get googly to enjoy. Cold-blooded hard nosed
pleasure. It's a little unusual, so fast - naturally I can say that
and admit mild discomfort. Edgy. Okay. Call, vid - um..... no. I may
have some power - don't use it, except to encourage. Be positive &
nice. Be honest.
I am home - this feel like home - looks like home - is home. Take's a heap
Sat Nov 11.17 nm
Tired from work week, from M IMs/shares/tending to it - I think, stop
tending to it, it is happening on its own, with no help from me,
caution is unnecessary, be myself the good kind loving person I am.
Desire for pleasure is not abnormal or necessarily dangerous. Just
be my cool self and enjoy this meeting. we are human, maybe we'll
have difficult times, misunderstandings, and don't mean world is
ending. Lots of photos, some nude in bed, some semi-clothed. All
enjoyable and part of getting to know each other - with our similar
situation, divorced, living in small space, doing some art. Cool.
She telling me about India history is fun. At this point we see
resisting doesn't work - do what we each say, enjoy this time of
innocent earthy fleshy melding, which will not last forever - answer
each others' curiosity with trust, open heart. Kiss the joy as it
flies. Take a chance on trust.
Sleep ~11? Up for 45min middle of night w/M, then physically awake ~7am -
forced myself to stay in bed till ~9 - body said it needed sleep -
Told her L story, now also sharing with N, but difficult because of
language barrier. She said she liked secrets, also has period photo
ideas, wants my support, okay - curious.
I am me, with without these contacts.
Can't book Davis hotel for WEF until Jan 1 -
Get two days off before Thanksgiving off - 2.5 PTO days + holidays = 9
days off - um, yes. Bragg. How many days? 5-6? Ummmm... yes - that
would be good for me. Mendo? Owch. But maybe - it is so fucking
Write/call Dr. to see about arm and get viagra prescription.
Today - get out to Tilden - rained so no Reyes.
okay - get face out of laptop - home. Call Stacey? Call Mom? Pat Thomas
Jerry Rubin book Sun.
Fri Nov 10.17 bed 8:50pm
Tired after wk, stay hr late IM'g w/M - more nudes :-) - pretty
great turn-on; trying to do right - seems we feel okay, maybe
understand it's a little odd (risky?), but it's happening, so let it
play out - nudes just part of us getting to know each other. Cool.
So far so good. I am being honest and sending vulnerable shots at
After wk, groceries - had small hit first and noticed a good relaxed
outlook - it's just slightest high - all I need. Berries, clam
chowder, pudding etc - and stopped outside for a minute to feel
real blessed, to have such a great market, with such a plethora of
different cultures and lifestyles without seeming at all outlandish
or weird. S'what guy at work said, Oakland-Berkeley border most
diverse in US. Fucking love it and am so lucky. And nice car - which
was a gift - people are watching out for me - there are a lot of
people who care for, value, and support me. It shook out okay. Easy
to worry - but this is good
Criteria is: roof, food, money friends, health. Ahem... yes. The
rida thing was very cool - but time to move on, let go.
Started a Louis L'Amour western - cool stuff!
Bunches of clothed & nude'ish pics from M today, I sent her and K
others rainy day in SF pics. M said no water pics, she has a phobia.
Rainbow, lots of free food at wk.
This is excellent - lucked into a great job.
Bit high now, Mk says she will send more. We are having adult fun, and
also sharing ideas, books, personal stuff and cultural - she said
new thing for her (to share so much) so we had that conversation,
she brought it up - I did good, little breakthrough. Admiring each
other as artists. So there's that pleasure and excitement, as well.
She's a woman. Everyone is a little nuts. Let go.
Thu Nov 9.17 hm 8:08pm
No blog Wed-Thu am? because long IMs/photo share with M - I think
we first got in touch, because of Frida/Mayakovsky pic - almost
immediately person shares, started with explanation of Chrissie
connection, I said we used sexual energy from frustrated teen time,
and explored in IMs photos etc - she asked to see some, been sharing
our histories old photos/new photos since. Today she said 'like to
hear your voice' and I was like uhhh.. just said extremely shy about
mtg internet people, she said okay, also shy, and we prob never
meet. So. Nice photos... couple of backside as BART was arriving.
Beautiful - I think phone might be okay - she is friendly - but
today we were talking about marriages, sexual experiences, details
of what was going on in e.g., pics of Tonya & I & JAA - it was
arousing, work was extremely slow so much tie to share, pic up
momentum.. I have unintentionally hurt people, like Lindy & Lynn, by
not being clear in myself about my introversion - so got that out
there clear as poss... said "Sllowwww...."
Let go - I am me - I am me without any contacts - contact with
them is within me, not outside me - up to me to keep it on the rails
- not indulge in a wild roll down the hill... let go - my
responsibility is to Mom, family, Karen & Xo, Sooz, Eric, Stacey,
not to Internet friends, however healing and lively and great they
are. See? It's not always easy - we are enjoying the initial hot
connections, obviously there's some ease of communication that may
or may not be unusual. 2 artists. Divorced etc.
Do not treat her like a candy. Respect her. I think it's okay for
adults, on opposite sides of world, to share sexual expensive and
photos - but - respectfully; that means being honest always, because
price of dishonesty if hurtful. It's okay to be a little cautious.
It's okay to say I am doing that. I sense she is vulnerable - maybe
so am I - single, lonely - be careful.
It will be okay.. in a few weeks, next year, in time this initial
excitement will ebb, pass - hopefully something of value will
Don't fuck up.
It's really nice getting photos from her, chats and shared... but
- it can get weird, too. Always be honest. Always speak truth.
Lost my door card today - no idea how!! Embarrassed. Work was so
dead I felt a little crazy. Having tough day.
Sent ~$60 to French Frida painter Podane for two calendars.
Uber emailed credit card offer -so wtf I signed up, got $1,400
credit line - whatever - . Good to build up credit. Asked Mechanic
card for increase, too.
Check WEF hotel!
Finished Peter Cushing bio - that was fun! Now Louis L'Amour
Goofy sleep/morning - groggy all day - sleep early tonight?
Pat Thomas at Pegasus Sunday for Jerry Rubin bio - might do that.
N in Italy said she wanted to take some erotic photos - she called
them perverted - as well as others. Curious what becomes of that.
Feel okay about my reaction - of course it is arousing - I am animal
as well as vegetable and spiritual - but I didn't feel greedy for
it, or like pushing her to do it - curious to see what ideas she is
exploring as artist, and me with my nude selfies and nude model
work, makes sense for us to discuss.
So, actually - pretty eventful day - IMd w/Buzznet Bobby who is
going through terribly though times (bro killed, PR home wrecked by
hurricane, relationship problems) - never met her but feel a bond.
And with Karen about maybe house ~.45mins from Cam, maybe web site
for my work - bands, nudes, Fridas, nature, body hair, 'me, too'
thing - powerful men molesting / assaulting women blowing up across
Also a couple of women I met through Frida - one I sent new selfie
to - we barely know each other except we dig The Blues. I sent '94
pic Chae took with leather ring to ~3 people, none of whom knew what
it was(?!) - explained, how body heat/moisture softens leather,
feels like being held tightly, a bit aroused all day.
Thing w/Mek, as it was with Nur: I don't want it to be so
sexualized that I think of her only/primarily that way, because it's
unbalanced, a whole nother huge part of the mind is temporarily out
of sight, out of focus... so yes, I did right, slow down, wait, wait
until it's cooled of - then talk about phone. Honestly - so that no
matter what happens I can look back, feel okay, and know I did not
in a search for pleasure, not take care for feelings of others.
Wow - that is so - like - adult.
Pat Thomas Sun - call Tracey for dinner/lunch!
Cool - life is good.
Yes, thank you, be good today.
Oh, talked to Sooz Tues - she says upper arm pain is
probably arthritis. Fuck that! Tho - better arthritis than something
Tue Nov 7.17 hm 6:30
1hr or so w/Mekhlla Indian artist - more selfies from her, nice to
receive, and asking for new one from me, which I shot/sent last
night (laying off side of bed, shooting down, one lap side-lit -
tolerable) - seductive and gets into my mind in uncomfortable ways -
I crave it, yet don't believe for a sec anyone wants to see me -
personal reasons, but based on sex-symbols; bodies, so I fear, and
mistrust. Anyway - we'll see - in the past there've been a couple
times (L7L) women asked for them and oo-ah'd to flatter and be nice,
etc. Bleagh. I trust Lo..
Mek only since Friday? Got straight into art, sex, couples,
divorces, youth, scandalous relationships with unavailable younger
people. I sent her nudes montages of me with Chrissie by way of
explaining Frida pics - talking about my nudes on private fb page -
vibe as there - she asked if I wanted some nudes of her. I said
Nuria back from Paris, sold 2 paintings - send short vid clip of
her holding up Frida w/kittens, but I don't know yet why or what she
To some people I am a minor celebrity, and a nice guy.
w/Nur I feel okay because it happened slow and is growing
organically - it is what it is - Mon at work I tried copying pasting
some of Makhlla's IMs and they came into Word with pics!?! Duh? So I
got them all; also all of Nuria's which is v/cool because she'd had
to delete them all to make room on her phone - hundreds of pages &
~50M - happy for her because she was bummed about losing pics.
Cell phone makes noise every time someone sends an IM - it ringing
now - ; something making me uncomfortable about that thing - too
fast - and can't help compare to N.
Take a break, step back, no need to explain, be honest, keep
everything separate - there's feast and famine. It will be okay.
All these will be okay. A month, a year from now we'll maybe be in
touch, maybe not, but this first fire of communication recognition
sharing is normal and okay. It happened with Lo - trying to take a
break; same w/N - we were both "What's happening!" v/emotional.
Maybe now again -
- and I just don't like hot it goes to me head. Breath gently into
it. I am enough as I am. I don't need the go boost.
I am enough.
Sooz sposed to call in 15min at 7.
Getting to the CORE stuff at work - nothing big, lots of little
Cooling off, but hot bright sun. Wonderful time of year.
Wearing my PJs to Nomad - baggy black Sons of Champlin hoodie &
Mexican hippie drawstring trousers.
Life is good.
Mon Nov 6.17 nm
Not much Sun.. and felt worse for it.. a Tilden or anywhere
walk outdoors would have been great!
Talked to Mom for an hour, lots of internet, late afternoon
downtown for Arnell's pizza, bookstore (Lovecraft) - home for Peter
Cushing Google searching, tumblr, etc... at least sit outdoors if
it's not too cold - but get out! Walk!
List of CORE training related stuff to do at work - do it all!!
Being on top of it will relieve blank area that freezes me takes up
Don't withdraw during winter, keep active, move - pursue bliss.
Sun Nov 5.17 nm 11am
Daylight savings befuddlement - but why? Nooo... groggy as heck...
small laundry in front house last night while Buff/DJ out... cold...
Wake ~4-5am.. then 7:30 but it was 6:30.. back to "sleep" till
9'ish..? Catch up yeah...
Paris photos from Nuria.. cool - even little videos saying hi from
friends - I was touched... online friends...
Sat drive to bank for $100 quarters (Dad and his change
dish - but that doesn't explain paying for my morning cappuccino
with 3.75 in quarters every day), UCB game but found parking,
falafel plate lunch - beautiful early fall sunny bright cool day! -
1/2 price books: found collection of E Leonard westerns, also two by
Louis L'Amour (recommended by East Indian artist) - so that was fun!
I-store hocolate gelato cone - Bowl on way home. Successful errands!
Long IM's w/Indian artist, following up on Fri pm chat -
very intimate very fast - at our age relationship talk is no longer
so sensitivitie it being past, not so controlling - interesting to
share stories/see similarities, we are not alone in our tough
emotional relationship situations. Also her schooling, travels,
friends, siste on fb etc. Chat break - chop back East side
avocado/datura/succulents to be out of neighbors space - nice
straight line now - looks cool actually, shows respect for their
space. Realized I'd done most talking/chatting during afternoon -
all about my family/marriage/divorce etc I'm a talker! - want
attention - came back, asked about her marriage/divorce - listened
for an hour or so - harsh/painful. Again my nudes w/Chrissie didn't
come up, desire for nudes from her wasn't noticeable, so good on
Called Mom, left msg - prob at eve mass? Call again today.
IM w/L, bath, naughty talk, send pussy-eating gifs by request -
Heat up Vietnamese soup w/bread - Mexican drawstring baggy hippie
pants 'belt' broke, liable to fall - sewed side to tighten up,
working great now: satisfaction.
The usual - pot, lights, videos, some Duke Nuke'm walk throughs.
Getting cold - get out either Nan's quilt, or comforter, or both.
Simple easy life now see? Love this appreciate all I have. If I
had more, I'd want more still - if I was wealthier I'd envy those
within sight who have "more". I have enough. This is good - I have
moments of happiness and serenity - that alone shows this life is
good. Devil of envy is the joy killer. Be here now and kiss joy as
In some circles I am a minor celebrity - very small college rock
scene for Game Theory photos, esp with 'morbid' interest post Scott
suicide/Gil dying; larger minor celebrity in art world for Frida
w/gun (plus Djikia's Mayakovsky iteration), and much less so for
Frida/Patti. Still, it makes me a person of slight, but legitimate
interest for some in art world, and I am grateful for handful of
folks (mostly women - understandably since Frida's feminist icon) I
am in touch with through that creation. Very cool, and leave
cynicism out of it.
So if I add up Sat: morning smoothie & wifi cafe, IM's with
several friends (Nuria in Paris, Mekhlla in India, L in tub), bank,
healthy lunch downtown, ice cream, several cool new books to read,
groceries, laundry, yard trim, front house/cat care, Vietnamese soup
dinner, sew pants so they don't fall down - pot in bed, sandwich
I get by with a little help from my friends.
Oh, and this. Best get used to it and love it - learn to use and
love my older face, like I used youthful charm - I may be old a lot
longer, someday I will forget what I was to look like young what
seemed like yesterday. And smile, I look better when I smile.
Sat Nov 4.17 nm
Rough sleep again - wassup I wonder - sleep ~11? Up ~1... out of
bed ~8:30 - weird.. dunno... I may be overestimating burden of
global app/format CORE update - by making it bigger I make myself
bigger/more indispensible/important... carry it lightly.
Long IM's with Indian artist who loves Frida/Mayakovsky montage,
she very - as she says - "cheeky" - inviting me over, I'm treating
it lightly but keeping an eye on it. At first avoided - decided be
honest, upfront - yest sharing life histories, somehow got from (?)
nude photography, artists/nudes in general, our relationship
histories, sexual hang-ups based on religion/culture, our personal
experiences/preferences, details details, told her about L in vague
terms, she me about her younger scandal man, I told her Chrissie
history - sexual frustration from youth generating healing/artistic
energy, my cute communist sexual montages for Chrissie, then of us
two, that led to Frida w/gun, M asked to see some, I asked if it's
okay that some include nude selfies of my young self - she said yeah
- so that happened organically. I had , without inordinate effort,
resisted desire to offer my old nude selfies (which because of
intimacy of some our shares seemed logical, but why not wait, enjoy
it more as part of full discussion, or never do it, not just wave my
junk in her face). So the way it happened as part of relationship
share between artists worked cool I think.
She could not have known what she was asking for, that I'd be
nude/aroused (but I think she did), and once I got into telling
story, I wanted to tell it all, sent 5 samples, me & Chrissie couch
porn cartoon, Chrissie & Che, several of her & I including last
colorful flowery one shortly before she died. She made no comment
about photos of me. So, okay. Casual, organic - she's a bit crazy,
but so am I & on other sides of world, and we both need contacts.
After I shared sexy Chrissie pics, she said "I will send pics I
shared with bf." Compared to one of me and Chrissie in flowery field
- I thought - oh! She is gonna send me nude selfies! Not 100%
comfortable with how I was feeling: desiring sex thrill, but feeling
it was too soon and (in my mind) implied .. something. But it
was artsy meme images.
It's okay to blog - discreetly - about this stuff - details are
good - like those L wrote about she & I in 89. Turned out to be
Rained last night - no plans this weekend - call Mom! First time
in 3 weeks.
Finished 1st half of Cushing autobio, ends with death of wife -
obviously written by actor - with an eye toward entertaining the
reader: heightened melodrama, clever asides, outright laughs - good
stuff about an actor who figures so large in my youth.
Today - groceries, quarters/cash, eat - nice n easy day. Feeling
like I need it - still recuperating from last few stressful work
months, getting CORE training folded into work to it is no more work
than I do now - normal, organic.
Shelley's bday today.. 53? Yikes!
I'm all withdrawn healing self-constricted - okay! Life is good.
And this arm thing - must have it looked at!! Could be a sign of
something else - been almost a year - time to do it. Longer I wait,
increases possibility it is something getting worse! Don't wanna
hear "Too bad you didn't come in 6mos ago!"
Thu Nov 2.17 nm
Up a bit late and early feeling stressed - this is what happened
when I'm procrastinating at work - get on the CORE stuff today,
respond to Tracey etc, look into my notes, contact pilot team,
practice some slides - etc. Make it part of my daily routine; I am
not expected to add these tasks as an extra layer, a 2nd job - fold
it in. Find out if there are other pilot teams, LA? Etc.
Youtube: Duke Nukem run throughs - ehh - psychedelic
kaleidoscopes - mehhh - photoshop more fun...
Reading Peter Cushing autobio - fascinating to read how he
struggled came up through ranks etc, tidbits, his tone is so stiff
upper lip British, charming, entertaining, melodramatic at times - a
Anyway - Renee's beautiful ass 1979 - worth paying homage to.
Annnd start day...
Wed Nov 1.17 nm
Tues taped $560 rent check to back window.
BB for berries after work, sleep 10:30'ish - almost every night
cottage party, Oregon 2 lady basket lamp, light show, cannabis
(Harlequin), music - last night Yes Edge/Fragile - ah, yes, quite
nice - wake 6am, back to sleep till 7:30 - getting good sleep - so
much at work - need to get CORE stuff organized/bullet list, fold
activities into daily.
Yes - please - a few more weeks like this, calm collected, time to
appreciate all I have comforts health friends memories - visible
healing, post Scott & Gil - painful looses -
Last weekend, high from getting CORE training over - relief, end
of anxiety/fear - Sun crashed as I knew I would, settled,
slide back from peak relief euphoria - bad heavy sensitive angry -
Tue Oct 31.17 nm
Mon am - groggy - darned 'white' cannabis - hypnotic eye
candy pattern creator from Eric - Nomad, email from R saying hurt
back not at work - ahhh - fuck it - I'ma doing my 8hrs and going
home - fuck this no dept-head sort-staffed fill in for every issue -
why? Says who? What is my motivation? Fuck it. Got in after 10... do
my job and no more.
IMs w/NMM 92 selfies polaroid late 30s (she asked for 30s), noted
I was shaved, talked about how people started shaving after seeing
internet porn in 90s, about where she shaved, laser hair removal,
heat too much for delicate areas - photos of many styles,
highlighting hers, etc. I get embarrassed when caught up in sexy
talk, wanting to also be mature artist friend etc. But let it be, no
regrets, after done don't need to revisit. Sexy talk is okay so long
as it doesn't dominate or become one-sided man pushing for it. I'm
not apologizing. Not demanding. Etc. Sokay. Shared/compared 2
erection selfies: 1979 smiling hippie and ~1982 car life wicker
chair - side-by-side, and macros to explain why thighs together
pushing balls up makes 82 cock look smaller than balls hanging low +
low camera angle making smiling hippie boner look extra large -
which, of course, what man doesn't want that? A woman enhances with
a bra, I enhance with camera angle - why not? Hahahah - - anyway,
she in Paris for exhibition - cool!
So there's that.
Bed very comfortable - grateful for it - sleeping in same room I
"live" in - no prob - room life is normal, mine is broke in and
comfy - 5 pillows, warm, skylight - yes -
Almost every morning a moment or so of hand on L vulva warm furry
pillow rubbing - just - because - she is in my heart...
Couple nights over weekend, fell asleep, woke up like 30mins later
thinking it's middle of night, but it's 10:30 - weird feeling...
Sun was gonna chill clean cottage, but most of afternoon
IM'ing & w/N - frustrated, but felt stuck wanting to have contact
but not all there mentally - not my most clever brightest ha ha -
tried calling Mom but no response and no phone msg.
Plan was move camera/screen under bed, but hooked it up - it works
fine - watched a bit of early 90s (?) video - Scott & Shalini's
wedding party - !?! No memory of that! Can put screen nr end of bed
/ camera control in lap, watch - maybe it's time - winter activity,
why not? Can I get attachment to record videos digitally onto work
computer? Low res so small file?
Showering at night working.
Life is good - smile. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Oct 29.17 nm
Load a laundry Thurs pm while Buff/DJ in Bragg - fed
Angel, she threw up on living room rug, brought in dead bird
sacrifice, mewed a lot, liked chasing crunchies around dining room,
accepted my petting.
Thurs afternoon first 2hr CORE training for pilot team,
months of leading up to this - went better than expected I think.
waiting for feedback. I fumbled some parts (esp overall global
initiative of which I am not privy to details), admitted there were
a couple of parts I was still learning (gantt charts/sorting series)
- but got it all in; they seemed excited and to be getting it.
Glad to have that over with - last couple months at work have been
crazy: Jeff quit, short-staffed, Randy gone for 2 weeks, I open 7am
every day, afternoon guy calls in sick, temps are only moderately
helpful or in way. New hire training/photos etc - stressful -
; plus trip to Dallas to be trained to train updated
app/formatting - plus rigmarole around who pays for what - they want
me to pay for plane tickets/hotels etc then get reimbursed - un, no.
What about a change in title and compensation?
So, all that going on, and getting over Gil's dying as well.
Over now - Thurs training was last bit - mind free now - I
feel I can relax, organically draw into myself, enjoy life. Nice.
Fri wore out mentally but physically restless, carrying
home free IT tossed-out projector and cords - thank you - , took
Rockridge train, espresso and finished E Leonard's La Brave al
fresco. Slow stroll home, berries from corner market. La la la.
Eric invited me up Sat to drive and eat - okay, tired but..
Sat head to SR ~9; 10:30am head west - beautiful morning
backroads, unexpectedly looped through Occidental,
Freestone to Sebastopol for sushi lunch - Mara (?), good!
Coffee - zing!! Tried to visit burn areas, but guards turned us back
- saw some destruction - real bad. ~2pm drop off Eric, Petaluma
Starbucks mocha, chill - so nice out! - early Fall - out D St
backroads - not much further than from Novato - Cheese Factory
sandwich on bench by pond - check book shelves in Nicasio -
easy drive home, BB for eggs, pudding, bananas.
Considered Reyes hike, but let's chill - cottage need
straightening, put all the 8mm video tuff under bed, clear out
clutter. Tilden later would be nice!
Fri put GT live in Seattle LN tour on
phone; Sat listened on way to SR - sounded good - what a
great band! - , jokes about Shelley's new rubber dress - Gil joking
etc - point is, I enjoyed memories, mind excited by songs, voices,
stream of consciousness - cool to hear Gil's drumming (and Scott's
guitar) now with more appreciation, and of course Scott's great
songs (!!!). Have listed to studio recordings since they died, but
not live stuff - good to reach point I can enjoy - a good sign.
Thu Oct 26.17 nm
Nov ask for credit card increased, check when I can rent
WEF motel, visit Marge & John. Call Shirley.
New Slide style training today - more pressure I put on myself,
more I look at this roll-out as making me something special,
more disappointments and unhappiness I'll experience. I am no big
deal work-wise. This is just my job - I'm a graphics guy - they're
making changes to style, want us to work on our presentation skills
- okay, No Biggy. The first time is always rough - do the best I can
- be there for follow-up, learn with them. Today, go page-by-page -
do my best. Be confident, but not over-confident, and don't make it
a matter of personal accomplishment. It's just me doing my job best
I can. Cool. And it is job security indeed.
Slept pretty well ~10:30-7'ish - take care of front house while
Buff/DJ on coast; bedclothes all tore up - restless anxious about
training today - mainly because of pressure to follow better
training suggestions - for this first time, focus has to be on app
info - trainer suggestions will grow and build with experience. This
This is good. 10mos after Gil died - can feel this is good again.
Wallow in it a bit - enjoy good times, healing. Sun also rises.
Tomorrow is another day. Post-Gil body pain mostly gone; top left
arm still a painful bother - could it be arthritis??
Infrastructure: Job, cottage, Buff/DJ, healthy diet (too much
snacking), music/reading/nature recreation, regular bathing, cool
South Berkeley location near Bowl/Bart, call Mom & Sooz regularly,
visit Eric in SR. All this is good. Also, no mainstream vices:
gambling, drugs, alcohol - a bit of porn, and too much time online -
but - meh. And I enjoy the art I've collected, and yard/garden I am
so fortunate and blessed to play in, learning how to work
phone/message/send photos/UBER, GPS, etc. All-in-all, this is good.
Hard to beat. Tomorrow never knows.
Less facebook I think, unfollowing almost everyone, esp from music
scene - posting less, and taking down what I do post. Good. week
time-out for Jenni nude to private page did some good.
Wed Oct 25.17 nm
Sooz call last night - talk about letter stating who gets
what if I get hit by a comet: Car goes back to Sooz,
Mendo quilt goes to Xoxo, Scott negatives got
to Kristine/ Valerie/ Julianne, Karen
gets her boxes, art? Family gets to go through for art?
Call Shirley, time has passed, I will regret it if I don't.
Slept well - ~10:30-7:30 - yum! Bowl <wk, Vietnamese soup & bread
dinner. Stock smoothie supplies. After Sooz call shower... 2hr
Thurs into to new standards, app etc - rely on notes, keep it
simple, slow down - breath - demo then hands-on - computers closed.
Perhaps in some ways my training style has evolved around what's
comfy for me - fast, personality-driven - my insecurities up front -
; new style: stand still, hands at sides, speaking loudly, slow,
pause, breath... eye contact - develop confidence - it will come...
this is good. This is all good.
K/Xo in Barc.
Tue Oct 24.17 nm
$1300 to car insurance, $1400/Lbs1K to K for Xo/Barc etc. Owch!
Probably leaves me ~50 - so, okay.
Look into hotel for WEF.
Buff/DJ in Bragg for the week - keep an eye on Angel & house; do
Started looking at new Toolbox at work to train beta group Thu
- looks do-able. Sell ideas best I can - tho I was not in on them -
no one expecting perfection, ever! Do my best, get better to offer
follow-up support, I'll do fine. Most of Dallas really was about
training; changes to slide style & app not daunting.
This is good. I look at every aspect/detail of my life, say "This
is good!." That's a good sign. Back to appreciating what I have,
what works well. $200 weekends in Bragg Mendo - mmmm. Because I can,
because I enjoy it, because it's good for me.
Mon Oct 23.17 nm
Very relaxing energizing weekend in Bragg/Mendo - chill vacation,
in beautiful location - Sat pm strolling south headlands
during drizzly overcast "sunset" dusk - Sun morning sunny
white light -
After Sun hotel, MacKerricher, walk planks, barefoot down
coast, stop at blowhole for 30mins - video, stills - sent to L/N etc
(after my gentle encouragement, N sent another shower side selfie)
... fb profile is close-up face in mirror photographing penis - 1980
- JAA wrote I Love You on mirror - my expression intensely focused;
share uncropped version with a few friends, silly as it is -
completes profile pic joke haha.
Back through Bragg - headlands, sunny bright, rough surf, blue
sky/ocean, foliage colors extra saturated, loud rush roar of ocean -
fantastic - hated to leave - lunch box from grocery store, espresso
from cafe - zoom - easy drive home, relaxing, music - no pot - SR
~4:30, split up cannabis (Harlequin & White, candies), check diff
places downtown, wind up at sushi - that was fine; after, one drink
at bar down street - his bday today - 61, Happy B-Day Eric! Talk
about seeing so many homes burned reminds us how easily all we 'own'
could disappear in an instant - ask ourselves what is its real
Easy drive home in dark, with! music in Sooz's car - thank you!
Sleep ~10:30, sleep decent, up ~7:10. Getting those 8hrs in. Today
at work start prepping to support beta teams for training later this
Youg Robert selfie photo sharing is fun - just - stay sane - don't
make too much of it, or get addicted. Adult fun. That's all.
Sun Oct 22.17 I Bragg Hotel am
Sat - mainly overcast but nice, light breeze - surf low but
rough and fun!
Fri pm sleep ~9, several cannabis infusions - tincture,
flower, bonbon - on top of being worn out, with those inducements,
sleep deep and serene - up ~5:30, shower, pack food clothes
electronics, lv 6:30 - dark when I left, brain tired - this coast
trip is mainly about resting my mind in a beautiful place - quiet,
Easy traffic all the way, no obvious fire damage on 101 near SR.
Cloverdale Starbucks, Boonville $6 double espresso (!?!- good,
though); apple orchard for dried apples, boxes and gourds photos,
friendly black kitty petting; Rock Store walk through; strolled
redwoods by river, not usual pullover spot - straight to headlands,
pretty rough low-tide surf, lots of video, laid down a shot while
overlooking water, meditated a bit - very good! Brain tired - not
using it too much - just doing stuff - sharing pics to Nur, K etc
Into town for Oddfellows Art Gallery, wifi cafe, cannabis - two
1/4s, Harlequin, some stronger indica, candies. Bragg, hotel,
raining! ~5 back to Mendo. couple hits of new indica - 1 would have
been enough, 2nd hit was big; not bad - mainly relaxing - but too
much - one hit would be perfect. Wander south headlands high,
overcast and gloomy, mostly had it to myself - sound of ocean, soft
light, vague traces of yellow and pink in gray clouds. It was
alright. Made me happy to be alive - stripped down below
society, training and my personal memories etc, just a conscious
entity in this existences. Need that sometimes. Brass tacks.
Mendo General store for razor blades, salad bar, hot soup (yum!!),
chocolate bars, jelly beans -, - let them know I have munchies! It's
Mendocino for fucks sake. Jelly beans on drive back to Bragg in
nighttime rain, soup, salad, chocolate bar at hotel - Duke Nuk'em
videos, hit of Harlequin, sleep ~9 - think I slept decently till ~6.
IM w/K & N - K leaving for barc w/Xo tomorrow - PayPal'd ~$1.4K
which equals $1K pounds. Keep it simple. That will help with Xo's
plane ticket, hotel, meals etc. I've been pretty good with finances
- can do $1.3K car insurance + help K with barc = still have
baseline 50+. Cool. I like how this went, this was a good time to do
it - we'd discussed it, but not amounts etc - we both been busy -
time comes, she's leaving tomorrow, I'm all rested and meditated
out, morning Bragg hotel w/coffee - had my smoothie - send her the
$$ for Xo - now, shower, pack and whatever the fuck I want - this is
more about chill than taking every opportunity to hang by ocean -
it's there, air is cool and clean - morning sun bright!!
Sips of hotel coffee. Nice. Healthy mideast salad in fridge. Walk
headlands some more.. sushi with Eric on way home. Thank you Sooz
for the car - I love her, I love you, it makes a huge difference in
Sat Oct 21.17 Cloverdale Starbucks
Fri Alex called in sick, my computer broke.. etc.. morning
busy, so slowed down afternoon, 10hr day, closed.. work got slow in
afternoon yay - tired, but no plans for weekend, booked Bragg hotel
~$80 - that's ~3-4hrs pay - ; budget was looking good, but I forgot
to include auto insurance subtraction, there goes ~$1300 - gah!!
Alost 2x as much as for Siouxie. But I don't mind, she's a great
car. Concerned I'd be too tired to enjoy coast overnight -
- brief meditation/sitting nap on BART helped, straight to Bowl
for fruit, eggs, sandwich etc. Remade bed, pulled down suitcase &
food cooler - cannabis chocolate, tincture etc - shower - bed ~9,
slept good till ~5am, right on. Pack food/clothes, make pbj, pillow,
blender - lv ~6:30am. ~8:30 now.
Driving past SRosa & Geyserville, no sign of last week's fire - no
slowdowns, smoke, burned trees nor debris - weird.
Fri I sent Nmm two hillside nudes by ShelleyB, close-up on
bits - @wk she sent distracting (more fun if there's a purpose, such
as to distract) pic of back/side similar, almost exactly, as I'd
shown in drawing. Beautiful soft light, every hillock, valley, curve
and slope. Brown skin overlaid muscles/bone. Beautiful.
So that's cool & fun; I'm being careful not to make more of it
than that. We're adults, in diff countries; it is good to do this
sharing. Almost daily hellos - I think it's okay. Just now, sent her
2nd 1979 selfie, after sitting hippie hard smile niuce pic, shot a
darker more serious one against wall. The Two Roberts: cnflict
between niceness, and sexual desire.
Feeling okay - enough sleep, enough food (snacking way to much at
Triple cappuccino and scone - pee and leave.
Doing what I want.
I catch myself asking if what I'm doing is bad.
Maybe more focus on if what I'm doing is good.
Focus on reward instead of punishment.
Carrot instead of stick.
Thu Oct 19.17 nm
Overcast, getting cooler - sleeping in sweatshirt/Mexican
drawstring hippie pants, comfy - bed is comfy. Luxurious with 5
pillow, layers, Mendo quilt - time soon to bust out Nan's heavier
quilt and/or comforter. Soft morning light through skylight -
skylight is one of my favorite things - beautiful light changing
throughout day, seasons, year.
Catching up at work, start practicing 1 hr/day on updated app...
most of Dallas training was how to train - I should be able to get
my head around app reasonably easily?
Shared b&w porn gif - woman standing up off cock - w/3 friends,
wondering about appeal - mesmerizing - 2 said 'eh'! L liked it.
Interesting. Now back off that stuff for a bit - cool off - don't
let sex dominate - it gets boring; being an interesting person,
thoughts, discussion more important to all.
I almost miss going into work early, and getting off when there's
light - back to 10-6:30 - but soon it'll be dark at 5, then 4 - so -
enjoy my light mornings. Many things have gone my way, from low
rent, to skylight, work hours with free mornings, training at work
taking me out of the daily production, upgrades keeping it from
getting stale. Cool shit, yes - and being trainer forces me to get
comfortable with lots of human contact, public speaking - being
single lead trainer on West Coast is nuts - but there you go.
Finished another Leonard - Pronto - fun stuff!
Payday Fri - look into Mendo weekend again - are Monte Rio
cabins down to $100 yet? Maybe a salt point visit?
Tues Oct 17.17 hm 6pm
Dept head Jeff left in August
I did 4 day Jazz Blues mid Sept
Week I got back morning guy Randy Dad ill, days off
Afternoon guy Culi sick 2 of those days
So I open/alone 2-3 days - with temp to train (Sheba)
Future hold Dallas trip to retrain for major app update
But Randy on vacation 10 days, so whole training load is one me
10 days I open 7am and mostly alone (temps not much help)
Some trainings in there
I go to Dallas 4 days (Randy gone 3 of those days)
Now it's over - Mon/today photos/train 16 new hires
Haven't done facepages since Aug - got most done this
afternoon - finish tomorrow.
Big fire up in Santa Rosa area.
Anyway - dept head departure (2nd in 8 months) disruptive, then
people out, temp to train, Dallas trip etc - been a bit time
-consuming; snuck in a Mendo/Bragg weekend - I'm doing whole West
Coast update beta teams support, no change in compensation/title.
Okay - what the fuck. It's a good job. But don't kill myself. Still
my own man, earned that after 17yrs. I do good. Not just the few
hours of training, but getting to work on time, my diet, calling
Mom, no bad vices. I can do it. I can do life. Yay.
Sooz calling in a bit -
Sun long IM with NMM - full story of Gringo.
Sent pic Caroline Wong took of me Berkeley morning ~1977/78 - eye
contact, shared with a few, they liked it - intimate eye contact.
Nice. Sharing youthful sexuality, as deeply painfully confusing as
it was back then, now it brings pleasure - this is healing - it's so
long ago, distance makes it not-confusing and fun. Cool. I harbor
vulnerable reservations and shame(?), but I think really, lucky to
be able to share with a few internet friends, as a semi-public
figure, as photographer, (responsible, intelligent) creator of viral
Frida with gun, Scott Miller photographer.
Leaving up private nude/other fb photo page, deleted ~100 people
who rarely or never commented, and not posting anymore, but leaving
it there as a record of cool event. There was an interest in my
photography after Scott died - one of first pics uploaded was Real
Nighttime cover - still like that! - , I think my motivation was
more something to do in the wake of suicide trauma - then Gil
died... I dunno, those photos to some degree are who I am - I
brought my best self to my art, most intelligence, skill,
self-confidence and integrity - so sharing that, - maybe in some way
- I'm letting many people see what, up till then, mostly only my
closest friends, like Gil & Scott, and in past Donnette, saw. They
saw that I had something going on. I took a chance and showed a lot
of my work - not just my 'best'. Cool. If I get booted for another 2
weeks - - that's a chance I consciously taking.
K - readjusted Agenda on today's ppt training. See if I get any
Get to sleep in tomorrow. Back to routine. Oh, yes.
Sun Oct 15.17 nm
Trying to adjust sleep post Dallas - sleep ~10, up @5, back to
sleep till 8 - tried for 9, but eh!
Remembered 2 dreams:
1.) At work shirtless in baggy tied hippie pants, jobs not done
were done by others - no one seemed to even notice I was shirtless.
Seemed a little more like Davis Craft Center. Good memories about
that place: tool counter, darkroom access (filched paper/film of
course), and Jane). Scot and ALRN.
2.) WEF, authority lady asks me to come with her into bldg, I
comply good-naturedly - she says someone complained about a hostile
attitude (?), I kept asking for details, what I did - I complain
that naturally I'm annoyed by not being informed of what I did, and
my annoyance will be used against me as hostility. Several people
come and go, brief chats - after chatting with passerby (?), I find
myself alone, fuck it - leave room, down hall, out of bldg, into
dark UCD WEF Quad - dark, last bands have played... look for a place
to park bike...
Sounds like big changes at work, not being told what's going on,
having to hide annoyance are impacting.
Maybe work on finding an away-from-work space so it is not
dominant and self-defining.
Email to sibs saying I am safe, all respond with thanks and
details of own fire situations.
Talk to Mom for long time - hour? News about work, Dallas, fires
Sat Mainly weary, chill - mid-afternoon Shattuck sushi -
mediocre, even chicken udon - find someplace else - w/tip, udon,
dragon roll, sake = $50. For that I ought to enjoy it a lot more -
sake was $20 for small bottle & less than nothing special. Pegasus
bookstore/groceries on way home -
Keeping in touch with Eric who's close to fire's edge and massive
death and damage.
Today, big laundry. Would dig to walk, Tilden or even Olampoli,
but bad air, and requests that highways be kept clear for
One of my Frida friends who I barely know but send the old selfies
to asked if maybe we could meet someday - said I seemed nice and she
likes me art - I don't want to fuck with someone's emotions who
sounds lonely; told truth, I'm comfortable sharing my young self so
long as she enjoys that, but I'm introverted, never have met any
internet friends face-to-face; so not ruled out but would depend on
circumstances. Seemed okay at end, but this morning an IM saying she
hoped I was not offended. Hmm.
NMN knew each other bit through our fb pages, each other's
art/paintings/Fridas, before we shared last June's vacation photos
in real-time (as well as my youthful selfies, and her unexpected
bathtub legs), but this other woman, she knows me through my page,
but I know virtually nothing about her. So not as comfortable.
Learned my lesson w/Lynn R & Lindy D, don't play cute with sex and
emotions, words have power. It is easier for me, as a man, to keep
them separate. Not that I am unaffected.
Eric checked in - he's okay - but Saraj's house 80% burned.
Checked in with Buzznet Bonny - she is having it tough, with
relationship problems, brother murdered, hurricane hitting her fam
in PR - she appreciated that I wished her well.
My life is good and easy, even exciting right now - enjoy it while
I got it - the cottage, Buff and DJ, Bain - dream life - I got it
for free - my trials may likely come and I'll wish for these days
again. This, too, will pass - bad and good both. Don't be cocky, or
think I'm special - I just got lucky. Appreciate that luck. Help
friends in need. Don't over-do it with distance acquaintances to
shine a lit on myself - like Saraj. Karen/Xo are family - keep an
eye on those nearest and dearest.
Mom, Karen, Eric, etc.
K - phew - Training in Dallas was more intense than expected, I
got knocked down a peg - stuff about app I didn't know - updates I
need to learn, including training/presenting skills. Do best I can
and all will be well.
I thought I wanted things I did not want - lots of anonymous sex
with random women. That is a healthy physical activity. I also
wanted emotional connection. I enjoy women. My body/mind/cock wanted
it, but it's not for everyone, esp not w/my religious upbringing
(tho I played and experimented as much as possible). Be grateful for
many naked women I got to spend hours with creating images combining
sexual desire with visual tactics and beauty ( as well as lovers).
All that nudity is a great gift to both of us, as was Game Theory,
friendships, etc etc. I got what I wanted and needed.
I have natural Irish gloominess + cloud of parents' suffering. But
aside that my life is excellent, I am happy. At 63 my mother is
alive. Just have to buck myself up every day, like most (?) people.
Weekly calls to Mom make her day, and mine, too.
Life is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
1991 Jenni L
Sat Oct 14.17 nm
End of a long few weeks/months: grief (and body pain) over Gil, no
dept head at work, Randy on 10-day vacation, 1-day LA trip
controversy, Dallas trip to learn upgrades. new training style. Etc.
End of that period. Good. Feeling a bit more relaxed, like myself -
I need time to grieve - haven't had it last couple months - . Want
some quiet time outside work to be in my life.
But - don't talk about to much - death is a normal part of
everyone's life - when someone asks how I am, to say death of a
friend casts a shadow is self-centered - we all have that, we are
all bummed born knowing this will end. I'm fine. Actually, compared
to so many, my life is really blessed - thousands of homes burned up
north, probably hundreds dead - burned to death for fuck's sake.
I'm good, thanks. How are you?
Trip to Dallas went well - kind of intense - this training set the
goal - we will all learn at diff paces, all have
different skills and personalities - shy, hyper, outgoing, etc - no
one expects us to get good in an afternoon. Note I say we - already
I see us AMER trainers as a group. We are all on the spot. And then
we are also sposed to train folks in other offices, and keep an eye
on them,, manage them? Seems a bit much! But, I have been
getting a bit bored, repetitive training, keeping it interesting for
myself by funking it up - so this is good timing and a blessing. All
N sent nice pics to "distract me" during training, and we
discussed boundaries, needs, pressure, etc - feels better now.
20yrs ago I was in jail for night, a DUI, deeply depressed,
everything (marriage, car, job, self esteem) lost, bottomed out,
knowing I would never be a teacher - now I am. Nice hotels, big
meals, UBER around town, all expenses paid; my big personality and
insecurities (which we all have!!) not stopping me from doing
and keeping this cool job.
Anyway - lots of smoothies - no trips north because of fires -
Jane An tee checked in through friend at evacuee shelter - but her
house likely gone (?), Eric getting smoked out by likely out of
immediate danger, Saraj's house probably gone but don't know yet -
we can continue to hope.
Air was bad, seems better today.
Sent email to sibs that I'm okay.
No plans today - rest, call Mom, groceries, laundry, yard - chill
- normal life. Nice.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Tues Oct 10.17 Dal hotel 10:07pm
Slept decent, up ~7, UBER'd early, couldn't find me, hotel guy
drove me - cool - $5 tip - , good breakfast - long day of training
videotaped a minute, I thought was not terrible - learning some
things - heard my 'um's, hand in pocket, waving glasses around - but
not bad - could slow down a bit. Practiced with 2 others, took a few
times, and good feedback, and did okay. Gonna be more training to be
certified, and maybe train other - LA(?) - folks to train the new
Core style. Saw some real obscure complex stuff I did not know
(Which I did not like) - by end tired, emotional, slightly
overwhelmed - but worked through most - back to hotel briefly - Uber
to other hotel, walk to good Argentine dinner - one cocktail which I
sipped, that was fine. Small talk, then women got to chatting loud
and I manly hung back. Everyone is overworked, I/we are no alone,
and other offices have even less capacity, fewer GFX folk, more
people to support than SF.
Big fired in norcal, Santa Rosa big news - keeping in touch with
All good - naturally I'm anxious, no one likes to be judged or hear
criticism - but it's an opportunity to learn! It took a while to
become a decent trainer - I can do this, and remember the Jail cell
- Jan 7.1997 - I was so damned sad, that I would never be a teacher.
This is a gift. Work on it. Do not betray my gift, and the loving
support from Karen, Gil, Eric and other friends, who were thrilled
and impressed that I turned my life around. I'm doing good. Wrestle
with my demons. Do not be embarrassed by my emotions. Embrace
change, embrace this opportunity. Tracey is a pro trainer - learn
from her. Only a fool would walk way from this -
- if I want job security, this is it. High value Resource indeed.
Mon Oct 9.17 hotel bed DAL 9:42pm
Sun pm Mideast salad/Vietnamese soup - simple pack, clothes
mainly, toiletries, shower - feeling good, Slept decent - no doubt
helped my mental goodness and beautiful 7mile Reyes stroll (good
food, exercise, human contact - goodness) - , up ~5:45 - 10am
flight, lv ~6:30 - easy BART, reading Elmore Leonard, always good.
Pretty easy getting through security - tho I forgot I was wearing
watch! "I don't usually wear it!" Cannabis way illegal in TX, take
Advils, CBD candies - arm seems to be feeling better tonight - but
not pushing it.
Internet/K IMs & sushi/coffee/raspberry scone at SFO. Easy getting
on plane etc - big difference between flying down day of event vs
day before. Window closed, music, eye-shades, inflatable pillow the
whole way. Found decent earphones in Reyes parking lot - plastic
hooks hold buds in ears - used them. SuperCalifragile is eh! but -
such a great thing, heartfood.
Dallas airport cabs would not take voucher - hmp! - paid cash -
sign in - get room - pay for internet - take first UBER to Dealy
Plaza - walk all around, explore, sit, take photos - ice cream cone
at museum store - smaller than it looks/feels in photos. Hot! Good
weather tho - UBER drivers friendly - prob there an hour? UBER back
to hotel. Walk to CVB(?) for phone charger cord - hang in room - IM
Lo. downstairs for chicken sandwich/vodka margarita - bill to room.
Whatever. Just do it. Keeping all my receipts.
Posted Dealy photos to primary page from secondary page. Showered.
Almost 10 - alarm set for 7 - pillow case from home. Big fires
around Sonoma/Santa Rosa - Saraj may have lost home?!? Bad smoke in
All good - this is like an all-expense-paid vacation - totally -
training, meals, UBERS. Cool.
Keep head down and do my job. Something good is coming. Something
good is here. I miss Gil. Call Stacey soon.
Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:10pm
Left ~10:15 for Reyes - stop in Nicasio to chat w/Mike exchange
books - brought food, sushi, sandwiches, apple - 7 mile Divide
Meadow to Sky & down Wittenberg - ~6-7 miles - perfect day/weather!
Sunny warm, light breeze, late summer beginning of Autumn low
shadows - Mom called 1/2 way up hill to say look for park pictures
in photo albums she sent - I thought call from Mom might be
emergency - no - just her wanting contact - emotional emergency -
start calling 2x a week - she says she likes hearing about our
childhood memories - think about them for her. She is reaching out.
Easy drive home. Good way to spend day.
Week time-out from facebook a good thing - can't be in touch with
people during say, away from laptop. Hmm. Break feels good. Hmm.
So pack - BART to airport - easy - just clothes, and work laptop.
No blogging - unless I email myself stuff.
Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:07pm after Reyes walk phone notes:
"Note to self here is my note to self it feels like a lot of my
life has been making up for my past getting the things I didn't
happen I was young building up confidence where I have none getting
things like friends in a good job in the drive in income just
enjoying the things I need join like being I can be nature and bean
okay with myself and so I can let go about doing things to make up
for past pain doing things out of the century 7 is not working
anymore that's what feels to satisfactory just enjoy doing the
things I need joy for sure enjoyed it and also take care of business
I want to come to my personal jobs ron if you taking care of your
friends and family and taking care of your responsibilities sena
nothing you decide to do 100 recreation yeah there's no need
question I love you"
"Fort Bragg I eat plants/v v ytt vb v vb gt made from sunshine I
have lived in the sun sunshine my whole life the Sun the ocean the
air it's tallcv in mvv Grubb tb w e w force e it's up to me to be my
own Sunshine the sunsb hamburger b chauvinism vvb vrview. Vb vm . Ru
hine that Sparkles and tickles my senses is another thing it's like
food feels great but it's all in me also I did not fail to save
gills life everybody dies is not a failure its normal Finchvr N
tt:cannonball u g I By"
Sun Oct 8.17 nm
Sleep ~10 - up @4:40? dropper of CBD/THC tincture - back till
~7:20 - decent sleep, but maybe some pot grogginess from tincture?
Either way, dress, pack food, pbj, apple, salad etc - Pt Reyes - 7
mile? Could. All I got to do tonight is put some clothes in a
suitcase. Training stuff, flight/hotel info in bag w/laptop - how to
get to SFO? UBER or BART.
Not very mobile right now - but don't want to sit around in town
all day - no - 8:30 now - leave at 9, morning stroll - nice. Could
always do Sky trail or even 5 Brooks - decide later. Could do
Olampoli, then backroads - always nice - many choices - but a
standard 5-7 miles Bear-Sky always beautiful esp this time of year.
Tire me out so sleep well tonight. Nice.
4 easy days in TX - I get hyper/over-stimulated around groups. Try
not to draw attention to myself, and don't drink! Deep breath. Step
outside for fresh air as necessary. No talking to younger woman
flirtatiously/charmingly as if I'm still 30. I'm an old man to them
- 63 - old - no sexual interest, no charm - they do not want it.
Relax, I'll be fine.
2 days off all to myself. Like all workers - work hard, rest
refresh on weekend, back to work. We working-class types all same,
but I work at a good place, friendly, relatively cool bosses, lots
of perks, free food & drink, time to do own work on company
machinery (scans/video), not to mention people-people clients and
I'm intelligent - but not that sharp, partially because I lack
self-confidence, assume I'll have trouble, shut down a bit and learn
slowly from within, learn from doing - like they all say they do!.
But I do learn, get enjoy done, excel(!). We all learn our own ways,
I say that to trainees, say it to myself - fact that I learn my own
way does not mean I'm dumb or dull - just means I learn my own way,
and am intelligent. Yay. See! I'm smart enough - earn to trust
It's all good. A great challenge - I learn app, job, also learn to
trust, respect, love, enjoy, understand myself more. Do it.
Now - fresh air and sunshine. Cool!
Sat Oct 7.17 home 7:45pm
After nm, ~noon BB salad in yard - yum! - yeh, perfect life -
beautiful weather! Call Mom for ~1hr - IM'ing w/Nur - Bank for
quarters, first walk to chocolate gelato cone walking to book store,
slice of NY pizza pepperoni/onions/pineapple walking back to car -
bank closed 2pm, not 3, on Sat - no quarters. Clean garbage out of
Cammie, fill window washer.
Looks like she needs other fluids replenished - power steering
Sit at home - chill out man, rest the body soul and mind - ~4 nap
stick, whap! out for a deep dreaming hour w/door open. Walk to Bowl,
stop at dispensary for hi CBD candy & tincture. Is it bullshit, is
it placebo? Not sure - but - checking it out. Dropper full of 3:1
tincture - not feeling a thing. Wake up baby - you're wasting money
on a mindfuck. Buy a pretty medallion and meditate on that.
Chop more off pile of orange-flowered vines on trunk so not on
street and won't hit mirrors. Vietnamese soup & bread dinner -
yummy! Got salad/sushi/sandwich/apple for Reyes tomorrow - don't
*have* to do Reyes - Choice between doing what will leave me rested
for trip to Dallas vs. what I love and will take my mind off work
and make me feel good. well, do 5 miles, stroll, sit, enjoy.
Whatever - 7 if I'm feeling wild! Haven't gone through Dallas stuff
- might be leaving that all got the last moment? Sigh.
Arm pain comes and goes at unusual times - movements - now -
shower, high, videos, Duke Nuk'em 3D walkthroughs! Be here now. Kiss
the joy as it flies.
Sat Oct 7.17 nm 8:45am
oh yum - I am reminding myself that it has been along two weeks,
new AC photos & training, LA VC training, Randy out (and Jeff quit
so 3 instead of 5 staff), open 7am every day, not knowing what to
expect job-wise, multi-day visio-to-ppt job etc - I am tired - not
single mother with 2 jobs tired, - but a bit worn - Dallas next week
- that'll be fine, but it'd be ideal to be fresh.
Sleep ~10 last night - Stilton+bread snack! :-D - woke ~5:30,
forced myself to stay in bed regardless - comfy - slept again till
~8am - ~10hrs - a good start. Mind feels better - rested. Easy today
- prep Dallas stuff - quarters - bit of yard work -
Sun maybe 5-7-mile Reyes - something I enjoy, that's
healthy & healing for me. Did Mendo coast & sushi w/Eric
Posted 1st nude polaroid of Jenni to private page - someone
finked? Why otherwise do they care about private pages? It's
perverse! Blocked for a week - not a big prob except it also blocks
Messenger IMs - that *could* be an issue - but! - I only got this
phone in what? March? Did w/out IMs before that - I'll be fine.
Facebook break is good - no pain - no prob. I'm there for the IMs
really, yeah. Can't change private page to 'me only'; removing
people 1-by-one - but feel okay about it this time - 3-day time-out
~2 weeks ago - thought of ending group hurtful/sad, now maybe had
time for it idea to sink in. It was great. Peak experience. Now it's
over - so it's okay to let go. I'll still be able to see it and
enjoy the threads. A classy end.
Among other things, it started after Scott died, there was an
interest in his friends, collaborators, my photos outside band shots
- the Photo Robert mythos: The Nudes - curiosity, of course - lots
of people knew I shot nudes (including maybe of band members!?), it
was part of Scott/ Davis/ Game Theory history - for some small
groups:, Gil, art friends, Scott fans - there was small by
It worked out well for me, to show my best work - 'See? I'm good!'
- , them mediocre, then stuff I just like, fills in the cracks, here
was my oeuvre, my body of work. And ~250+ people - maybe a hard core
of ~150 saw, enjoyed and commented on them. So fucking cool for me.
I am fortunate indeed. I found courage to show them, class not to
defend them - let them sink or swim on their own - to see value of
People met - my network, momentarily held together by Scott
grief. Then Gil grief - tho I haven't posted much since Jan.
"I'll be hiding this page probably end of day today - have a
last look, download your faves etc etc - it's been a great run,
thanks for all the comments etc - as a creative type, this has been
a peak experience -"
Time to let go and move on.
New fancy touch-screen laptop for DAL. Visit Dealy Plaza Mon after
hotel? With my 17 yrs experience it ought to go fine.
Thurs After-work Chinatown stroll watching Blue Angel
stunts close above - got SF vest, grabbed large, she said, no, extra
large. Oh. Small is children, medium slender adult, large normal
adult, ex-large plump adult - that is me - I am not slender. Not
obese tub of lard, but big. So okay. Let go. Accept. I walk a lot.
Eat pretty healthy (snack, tho). Been having great digestion lately,
wonder if bowl of sugar-coated wheat checks & yogurt is helping?
DJ recording w/Mimi Fox and also working at Unitarian place -
So - all okay? Harlequin from Mendo working well, should have got
Couple Advil/day (plus CBD candies) seem to be helping left upper
arm muscle (?) pain - did some visualization this morning (make pain
dark blue and let it sep out, replaced by pink then white); I felt
whole body relax as I did this. Last couple weeks had trouble
getting arm comfortable in bed, night and morning - that seems to be
better, and more mobility, reaching back left in bed to turn off
lamp. working on it.
Okay: Gil dead. Sooz in Oregon. Karen in UK. Less facebook, no
phone IM, no private photo page. I've been withdrawn (in pain,
sensitive) since Gil died - that has affected Buff/DJ
interactions - work on letting go and being more with them - it's
more fun for all of us.
Call Stacey about lunch today? Call Mom.
Life is good. It's always been understood that all things pass.
This, too, will pass.
All love. Bring all love into me. All peace and headlining. Think
positive. Life is good. I am fortunate in so many ways.
And many people who I think of as friends of sorts - people I
would help if they called upon me, who might do same for me - Fred,
Dave, Nan, Donnette, Dan, Joe - not proper friends - but shared
experiences and maybe good friends in the past.
Wed Oct 4.17 laundry 5:45pm
Next Mon fly to Dallas - food hotels networking
learning challenges etc - cool - be happy - this is a good life -
it's what I wanted and more - hippie cottage, yard, artsy
housemates, friends, health, relationship with Mom etc.
Reminded Buff/trunk key location is to move Cammie on
Mon did 15 photos welcome flyers, Tues train 15 ACs
9-12 - I was a tiny bit concerned because they were mainly women,
nice looking smart young women - but I forgot all about it once
training; think it went well. Tired when I got home - sitting, phone
rang, had forgot about Sooz call! haha - drink remaining Brandy - a
bit tipsy, talked about lots of stuff. Her upcoming surgery, yard,
deaths, suicide, me getting my head around Gil's dying, death, death
of retirement fantasy, keeping head down and doing job to keep job.
There is no end.
Getting through jobs, tomorrow/Thurs focus on Dallas
prep - bring files - get updated laptop - fancy new one w/touch
screen. Uber to SFO - keep track. Keep track of all expenses in
organized way. Little black book? How? Clipped together by date?
Sleeping somewhat better - taking Advil, noticed more flexibility
and less pain this morning. Still there, some restricted movement -
left arm can't reach up behind back - les time and mental energy for
IM'ing w/K, & L, nor Nur. But hope to get refocused after all this
mess and Randy back at work etc.
K - laundry prob dry - when it gets like this, at work - sometimes
it's easy and I can slide through, and sometime it feels like it's
my whole life. Okay - but - I hated Big Shot, yet it allowed
me to shoot, develop, print my own nudes/art stuff and also band
pics, including back cover of BSC etc etc. It worked for me. I
didn't hate the work maybe - but did dislike boss - tho others told
me there was way worse. Okay okay. Poor bastard. I'm no angel. So
much film, polaroid film, scans of Becky naked - Beate, DJ others -
made it my own party pad, nighttime drinking, snorting, massaging
K - life is good, I'm coming out of my post Gil-death funk - Mendo
weekend helped - think of it as therapy, get that hotel, maybe a
third day now and then.
Mon Oct 2,17 hm 6:45pm
Sun after Bragg cafe & MacKerricher, gas up, stroll north
from lot to headlands, windy but very nice, blue bright ocean a deep
green-blue - oh, yeah! - dispensary for Harlequin & other hi-CBD
flower/1-10 & 1-1 candies, tho I feel basically nothing from, them -
they're magic - placebo - lv town ~2:45, msg Eric, ez drive, SR
~4:45m chat, pizza place on corner we've been wanting to try closed
shot down - eh!? - try TV show Guy Fieri (?) - American versions of
Asian/Mexican etc foods - big portions, couple mixed drinks - e not
into it at first, but relaxed/came around - maybe helped I had
resolved some stuff in Mendo, about getting real about "retirement'
and death etc. Early 60s existential crisis somewhat resolved in the
I know I'm going to die. We all are.
I know retirement is not the fantasy lifestyle promised on
At work, keep head down and do your job. I am not special. I am
not owed anything.
Drive home easy - didn't get to sleep till 10:30 - not much juice,
brain half asleep still - quick nap at home, Rockridge my new boring
middle class sterile sushi & groceries place - sushi boat $25 &
berries from faux upscale corner mart.
Photos of 15 new hires this morning - no juice during or after -
sleep has been spotty, last night was okay - but maybe shoot for
8-9hrs tonight, after shower.
Tues short hours 'cause Randy gone 2 weeks, 8-11 - I train
9-12. Go in at 8, but could do 7 if I'm inclined to leave early, do
laundry, or rest.
Dishes, shower, bed 8:30 - sleep 9:30 - let's do this.
Sun Oct 1.17 Headlands cafe 11am
No sense trying to recall roaming Mendo day - msg'ing pics to NMM
all day, Odd fellows gallery, nice stuff, too windy on coast to hang
much, eat & nap in car at main lot, quick visit to north headlands -
actually very nice, low tide, beautiful - sunny all day, not
overcast as weather page implied, wispy wind blown clouds - art
Center on way back, groceries: lunch buffet, Odwalla, sandwich,
conditioner, Advil (for arms).
Bragg, galleries, tattoo museum, hotel - chill 2hrs - head
unwinding all day - not bad tho, just tired brain - ~6:30 back to
Mendo for 7pm sunset - couple hits of Gil's remaining bud - great
stuff, no mental high, but visuals better - simple sunset on south
headlands - wander quite a bit, finally make it to good head space,
happy, fulfilled, enjoying where and what I am - grateful. Sit in
car long time, crossed leg, Mendo dark chocolate bar as evening
falls and horizon glows - yes, good, so long as I can feel that
good, that much pleasure, then I'm okay.
Internet till ~10pm, sleep till ? then Snooze, thwacking noise on
roof - up~6, snooze/sleep till 8:30 - smoothie, cheese crackers,
hotel coffee, shower, pack out ~10.
MacKerricher - sunny, windy but not bad at all! Lovely. Stroll
wood path till end, south to back path through pine grove, double
back to coast, north to inner wood path - barefoot -
- concluded: I am taking wrong message from Gil saying he worked
too long - only quit when situation calls for it! Like if you're
dying. My job is good and has many benefits - change is good, life
is change - challenges are good, keep life from getting stale. New
hub-spoke will present a challenge, I will be working with more
talented people, but I will have skills and experience above others:
training, themes, vid edit, photoshop, etc. It will balance out.
This is reality. Vacation is not reality, life decisions should not
be based on that experience. Vacation is release from work pressure
- release is pleasurable. It's where you're at, not where you are.
Thought it all through - choose my battles: I have no fight with
work, Taf, Jeff, Iain etc - they are doing their jobs and are gone.
Same as Dad No value in re-fighting those old dead fights, beating
that dead horse. 1-day LA trips battle was won by me fair and
square. Now let go. No one is coming for me. Don't fight. Don't hold
onto resentments because I had to fight. Old. Tomorrow is another
day. Start anew. Clean slate. Life is hard. There will be fights.
After the fight - let go. Randy is an optimist, I am a skeptic, we
are both right ~50% of the time. Let it go. Hell is other people.
Blackbean burrito & coffee at Headlands. Now to Mendo coast, then
Life is good. yes, Say it! Life is good. Death is in it. Death is
part of life. I was not here - now for a brief moment I am in this
form, molded by this society, they told me what to dream, how to
rebel, what arguments to have - let go, break free, use whatever
tricks are necessary. Even religion, maintaining my right to healthy
Feeling better - all the parts fit - it's not always easy to let
go and not be resentful, but I know it's best when I can.
Work stuff is not my fault, or my responsibility to fix - do the
best I can and keep my head down. This is a great job. 1.5 more
years and I can retire, keep my job, and have Medicare. Life moves
Life is change. Get on it.
Sat Sept 30.17 Boonville
Booked room, got Uber, got everything under control - Nomad closed
@7:15, coffee/bathroom in Cloverdale, espresso/cinnamon roll in
bville, mental state not bad, some unraveling of course, but mainly
good perspective - re work: do my job and keep my head down - new
organization, centralized hub-spoke, work may get more intense, less
direct contact with people I'm doing jobs for (if working for other
offices) - may need enhances job skills - will presumably still be
doing training, photos, themes - all seems do-able -
- missing Nomad was good, got out earlier than usual, which is
what I really wanted, no traffic, low morning sun - beautiful 128
drive - breathing into it - bringing on serenity - fresh air,
sunshine, green and tan rolling hills, tree-shaded smooth roads.
K in LON under terrible stress, sad about S&G.
Gils death is existential crisis for me - not only confronted
finally by death, seeing it happen, not being able to stop it -
throwing money at death is nothing - throwing it at life makes our
living moments better, more fulfilling, meals, sushi memories. And
his words "I should have quit work earlier." burn, feed resentment.
So - Gil's death slap, and - at same time slowly acknowledging that
I will work till I die, I will likely not retire, that was a dream
sold us to keep us working hard. Then retirement age arrives and
boom - we knew it all along - bullshit. They painted a dreamy
gray-haired white people in a beach house, and it was an illusion
we, I clung to. Here is reality. work till you die or live in
poverty of a trailer park.
Okay. There is not win. Maybe Eric & I can do a thing. Or move
back to WV to be near sibs. Might have to do that. Reality.
10:30 - fucking beautiful day - web said windy, cloudy coast -
valley is windy and clear/sunny.
Thank you Sooz for the car - Ariel? Sooz II?
Illusions dissolve - but a trip to the coast is worthwhile always,
bring food with me to keep expense mainly to coffee, gas, hotel -
Fri Sep 29.17 hm 7:55m
7am W-F, not bad, a bit zombified, but getting used to it, and
work not too busy. Also, I'm finding getting out, home early has
advantages - sushi Wed pm, groceries -
- checked hotel prices, thought about timing - $115 now - down to
$76 later in winter - I get $200+ meals for Eric & I - spend some on
myself! Once I booked room I was happy, I want it so bad I could cry
- miss my friend: coast, who I am there - happiness, peace,
enjoyment. Don't care if it rains and cold - fuck it - Bragg &
Mendo, yes. BB for berries, NE clam chowder dinner - mmm.
Work stuff worked out - over nights if I do LA, VidConf training
do-able in a big way - still awaiting feedback -, DAL flight/hotel
booked, signed up for UBER tonight - that should make Dallas easier
- maybe for SFO? Got info for I need to do before trip - laptop with
new app, bring pre-made slides to update - cab voucher. A sense of
being myself, standing up for myself, being a cog - sure - but not
being pushed around, an important cog, to be respected, not bullied.
Iain called mtg to discuss upcoming changes - regional north Am
network, hub and spoke - interesting! After we chatted about the LA
vid conf training, that was a good conversation. Friendly. Good to
clear the air.
Lots of balls in air - now things are done and I feel less afraid,
next week before Dallas trip might not be good for overnight Mendo -
maybe more Sonoma& Sat sushi w/Eric? Maybe this weekend drive
down coast Sun.
Anyway - I feel good enough - have food - have been getting up
early - laundry next week.
This is a good sign: Mendo, wanting to give myself this gift,
perspective on $120, the pleasure and healing I get from it. Oh,
baby. Look into some decent indica. Walk around Headlands oh yeah.
IMd w/K about helping with holiday visit, maybe helping with Xo's
plane ticket when TED sends her to Barc. I'm @ 54, so can help,
dollar strong so bad imbalance, but what matters matters.
IMs w/NMM about her new painting, pics of Embarcadero view,
Missing Gil - so sad. And still struggling a bit to regain sense
of staying put being good - desire to run, to not work forever -
yeah - we all get that - and you do your best to make peace with the
system, and accept that my situation is still VERY fortunate, with a
good job and low rent in the Bay Area - and it could end any time.
This breath is all I have - there is no past, and no future - past
is a memory, future is a dream - this is good - and that is amazing!
Enjoy it now and then. hahahah.
Getting UBER is a good sign - that I'm moving forward, and
accepting the path I'm on. And pushing back on 1-day Fri
training trips says something - not sure exactly what - willingness
to stand up for myself because I love and care for myself? And do it
Also, missed 2 lunches because of training - claimed CAL
missed-lunch OT when I sent in hours, plus some OT. See how they
like that. It's the law. Ought to be fine. I've not claimed it as a
matter of dept. policy for years.
Wed Sep 26.17 nm
7am to work next couple weeks, no prob - I think next week new
hires - today was okay, very slow in morning, and leaving 3:30 cool.
Bit tuckered, ~6 drive to Rockridge sushi boat - that's gun, like
toys in bathtub - $25 sushi, sake - then fancy grocery place:
Stilton, crackers, berries, Mex choc bar. During sushi thought part
of pleasure of $$ is sharing, I have not been tithing while
rebuilding savings post Stacey support and prepping for K house
support. But I've given Eric some cash/plus music fest etc. K
waiting for move when she may need large infusion.
Talked to Sooz 2hrs, op, maybe hysterectomy - stressful, month(s)
My life is good for now - normal work stress does not make my life
bad, or any worse than anyone else's. and it's better than most. No
whining, No negativity. No self-pity. I have all I need, no bad
vices, good job, yard, network of friends. I lost two friends which
almost entirely diminishes that music network - Scott and Gil were
the heart. As I unfollow so many of that scene, the empty space
Don't be surprised about Nan - she disappeared for almost 20yrs!,
and only with great effort from me did we reconnect - no surprise
that when I stopped giving, I stopped getting. One-way street.
Bummer. It was never there.
Friends make life bearable.
Chats with Nmm - fun! Artist! Cool! At times close to the edge of
flirting, but - I had a moment of clarity - that I need to be cool
about it. Don't play games, romantic or otherwise - play it
straight. Let any photos or flirting if any evolve organically.
So, yeah - nice clothes, sushi dinner, nice car - compared to 1997
Siouxie - fancy cheese and organic berries. What more luxury do I
need? Financial security would be nice - who doesn't want that? A
little $$ if always desirable. I'm doing okay in my income bracket.
Life is change, and broadly speaking change is good.
Okay - bla bla - all good? Yes. I can do this - 2 weeks early in
work days, Dallas in October. Video conferences, overnight trips to
LA, lead PPT trainer on West Coast. Cool. I've trained virtually
every person in SF. This is wildly better than I'd have guessed or
hope for from life. Wallow, enjoy, celebrate - accept that I am a
competent adult. And live. Kiss the joy as it flies.
Shower at night. Lunch early - waiting till 2 for 1/2 price
buffet/snacking meantime left me a bit brain dead.
This weekend - Bragg? Is price low yet?
Tue Sep 26.17 nm
Parri posted a timely article about distancing yourself from
stressful events - at a glance: think about how someone else would
see it, think about how it will look in the future - I'm making work
stress personal as if I am being put upon - 1-day LA trips stared
this: I felt we/I were being treated less well than those above -
(along with e.g., not being invited to CSS events) -
Print article, take advice -pull back, get out of myself and my
mind, do job as well as I can, focusing on what do I need to do to
look back and feel good about it. Other times work has been
stressful, afterward I have been able to look back and say I did
well. Same here. There's no dout in my mind I will someday look back
at this time and next few weeks when Randy is gone plus trip to
Dallas and training afterward, say yeah, I kicked ass, was
well-respected, did a great job and was appreciated for it. Job
I've been pushing back on giving credit card, and yesterday was
also feeling like not giving Bank Card - but go ahead and do that -
meet them halfway. I do not have an available credit card. I do have
a bank card. Go ahead and use it. Fuck it. I hope to be at this job
for the next 4-5 years, so do this thing. Yes.
Trump is such a cunt - but I suppose one must accept the vote etc,
white middle America didn't like all those black folks in the White
House - so now their time to strut and bray, like libtards did -
fair enough - but they're failing to end Obamacare, failing at tax
breaks for wealthy etc etc etc - fail fail fail, and internationally
Trump is seen as an ignorant half-mad buffoon - so there's that. He
couldn't lead the world out of a wet paper bag.
K - in @7am next two weeks, morning photos and training early next
week, then two weeks from now hahahaha - - I go to Dallas while
Randy gone - 3 days with just 2 fully trained folks. Cool. If we are
all dong the best we can, we'll come out of this smelling like
Boom :-D. It's called work. we all have to do it. And none of us
like it exactly. I like my job and am good at it. So fucking hang
These mornings - sitting in cottage this morning > nice things I
do for myself without thinking, of course I give myself good things
that show self-love and care - rocking chair, with my fruit
smoothie, thanks to Karen for inspiration and blender > and these
mornings at Nomad - maybe walking'd be healthier(?), but this quiet
time with coffee, view of neighborhood Shattuck traffic, familiar
counter help > this is healthy, too mentally and physically,
relaxing, time to let mind awaken slowly.. it's good... I cherish
these times, those smoothies, my yard - a few minutes even in it -
eating, smoothie, the yard work last weekend - yes - plus calls to
my Mom, I'm 63, she is what 93? Still mentally good - no more
scattered of mind than I am e.g., without say enough sleep. We are
lucky to have this time. Making up for decades when I was avoiding
Dad's anger, judgment and denial - his mental illness.
Now is good. I can sometimes let go of all. Generally I am free of
the anger from earlier years. Mainly my habits are healthy. I do the
best I can.
Okay - oddly relaxed about today's video conference ppt training -
no reason to think it'll go poorly - and actually, I'm excited to
try it! Wrote up the agenda, sent handouts, files on LA shared drive
- it ought to go well! It's fun to try something new, the same old
training year after year is - getting a little stale - harder to get
yup my enthusiasm - still, pinch myself > I was overnight in a jail
cell, unemployed, marriage failed, no future, nothing, and age 42,
nothing to show for it ... I wanted to be a teacher so bad > and now
I have this opportunity. Do everything I can to hang onto it. Go
ahead and give my cc #. Don't be an asshole. Don't attract negative
attention. The nail that stands up gets hammered down.
It is dog-eat-dog out there - respect myself, don't let myself be
bullied, but also don't be foolish for ego's sake. Choose my
Yeah yeah yah.
yes. thank you. be good today. always do my best.
Mon Sep 25.17 nm
I note that I'm mentally prepared for work (Ran gone for 2 weeks,
Jeff gone - short-staffed) - do the best I can - mistakes will be
made, jobs will be pushed back or turned away - I will do my best,
and come home, and that's how to be invulnerable. If I'm doing the
best I can, then all else that is not my doing falls away, not on my
shoulders. That is true of everything.
K's life upside-down while house sold, looking for new job etc.
Upper-left arm pain getting a bit worse?
Not much Sunday - at end of day restless, but made decision not to
do Tilden - wanted to rest body: After long IM w/NMM about rope,
sex, experiences with ex-lovers, heated up Vietnamese soup ate
w/bread - yum!! - called Mom, long talk, Assisted Living etc, Anne's
thyroid surgery, Beth's cooking - , yard work, front chopped big
orange berry bush, hard trim around sidewalk orange flower pile on
stump - it's almost one big rectangle, chopped Buffacados, pulled
out tomato/cucumber remains, chopped datura so no window blockage,
raked avocado leaves etc - looks better - million dollar house down
street, wanna keep our place impeccable - because it says
something about occupants, tho Buff&DJ don't seem to believe
that, or it's just not on their radar.
Sat around, internet, ~6:30 Bowl groceries - read Young Lust
underground comic collection - that was worth a re-visit - funny
wild sexy stuff.
So really: long interesting NMM chat about sexual/romantic
experiences, lunch, Mom, long out-off front yard work, groceries,
dishes, cleared out garbage - all in all, the cottage looks better,
woke up in it feeling good. Missed a Tilden walk in beautiful time
of year, but body needed rest. Emails with Eric about music and
Sat sushi. etc. yes. Good day.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Sep 24.17 home 12:53pm
Shared JAA story w/NMM: "back to the rope business - sometimes I
wanted to make love to her body - she got restless and wanted to be
doing things to me at the same time - sometimes I would tie her
hands above her head, so she had to lay back and enjoy - and I could
entirely focus on what I was enjoying"
Beautiful late summer day - want to get out to gardening - first:
Fri setting up hotel and such for Dallas trip - sold out!
Hahah - whatever can go wrong will - no problem - I am competent, in
end it will all work out.
Sat slept pretty well - it helps that things like hotel &
flight, taxi vouchers, and trips to LA are being taken care of -
lessens anxiety - tho there's still some morning "Agh! What if this
or that!" But it will be okay. I am competent, and will learn by
doing, and in the end it'll be considered a success by all. First
Toolbox training via vid conf Tues afternoon - ready for
Sat up early'ish with plans for sushi w/Eric ~4 - weary of
mind, but body pretty rested - to avoid heavy afternoon traffic, lv
town 9:10am, w/clothes, laptop, pbj - easy drive, beautiful morning
- mind playing old loops, esp about bullying (Taf & such) - I have
bullying issues -
Breakfast burrito & coffee/laptop @Gville - nice - coast perfect -
sunny & mild - Goat Rock turnoff, 1st parking lot, up hill & down to
coast, past rock formations - wearing Mexican sandals, sort of
loose, one blister, not bad - pics to NMM & Lo. ~1.5 miles south to
end of wooden walkways - excellent - stop at & walk labyrinth, take
pics of offerings, video for Xo.
Time it perfectly - IM Eric about timing, stop in Gville for
espresso - nice - life is good - easy drive to SR, chill for 20mins
at his place, to Osake, yum! great sushi as always, cedar sake, Kobe
beef - ~$250 - we like it expensive. Good food is where we splurge.
Even Gville music fest revolves around good meals together.
Easy drive home - physically good and rested - mentally a bit
tired, but that's okay.
Sleep till 6, snooze deep till ~9 - Nomad - long IM w/N about some
pics I sent (Frida porn tied up), talking about various rope play -
Shibari, heavy vs. light, pain vs. pleasure - managed language
barriers - brought up JAA, how she was my first real love so we
experimented with many sexual things because we trusted each other:
rope, anal, French ticklers, exhibitionism - but after her I
realized I think I didn't do rope any more. Discussed JAA a bit -
her Jap-Mex heritage and shared film stills, explaining she looks so
different now, and the pic is not very revealing, otherwise I would
not share out of privacy concerns.
At my gentle request, he told me long tale about recent lover who
was very selfish, again managing language barriers, and frank
intimacies about what he would and would not do. But glad we are at
that point she is comfortable sharing, and I am not all about
titillation. Letting it evolve organically. Be cautious about her
Now home - $M+ house down street - this is a desirable
neighborhood - pressure to keep house/yard beautiful/tidy so as not
to attract negative attention. Amd call Mom.
Thu Sep 21.17nm
Gonna be a busy 2 weeks (starting next week) at wk w/Randy out on
vacation, trainings, etc, followed hard upon by 3 days in Dallas for
updated app/styles. Whatever - let go - not so much work stuff here
- more life - work is probably not interesting long-term. Did get
word from R that overnight trips to LA are okayed, expenses set
aside - bring in temp - no one available, too bad. Presumably word
got through to B that they were indeed treating me differently,
burning me out and that could not be justified. Okay - so, good.
Common sense kicked in.
Cooling off, dark at 8 - groceries after work - kind of nice.
Still restless sleep - what can I do - a lot is work-related:
1-day LA trip apparently being resolved (tho of course, as I
suspected, no one told us/me): Good
Dallas hotel & plane ought to be worked out by EOD today - make
100% certain it is paid for in advance,
Get driver app on my phone for trip to airport and back. Find out
how to do billing.
Look at pages from Tracey N about upcoming changes to app & style
- I have no grasp of it - get that clear in my head will also help.
Then relax - I can do it - I have done it! I know how. Training is
my job, makes me highly valuable so job is secure. Takes me out of
daily production work. LA peeps shared some mildly negative feedback
from about July training - unstructured/not enough charts - I did
not do that training.
Haha - all about work still - but good - ways to put it on back
bench, not front row -
K may lose one of her 2 jobs, also have to move - maybe E has to
take X fulltime. Yikes.
S went in for bits surgery Wed - she was angry/worried - I
told her everything would be okay, maybe she was crying, I had too
much brandy/ somewhat hungover yesterday.
Some confusion about WV/Mom/Assisted Living - Shirley/Anne/Mary
planned visit for Mary without telling Mom? WTF? Also won't inform
us of details. Leave it be. I stated my position in shared emails -
Joan agreed, and Beth - feels like a division in the ranks:
Mary/Anne/Shirley vs. Beth/Me/Joan - don't know Tom's position.
Well, that's all I know. I stand ready to help. Nothing else
Good mornings to Nu - sharing this and that - shared my early
pornographic Fridas with her. She sent detailed macros of her nude
self-portrait rained-on large painting.
If my friends prosper I am envious - but not really - if they
suffer I feel insecure. Pay more attention to my own life and
Respect myself and don't let myself be bullied.
Near end of E Leonard's Glitz - great fun as always, you can count
on this guy to be great.
Don't worry - be happy - take care of business - procrastinating,
avoidance only caused anxiety - get on it - breath, love, be
positive. Wank, shower, eat, sleep, enjoy entertainment, avoid
politics. Avoid over-thinking about work. That job is mine for as
long as I want it. I chose it, I want it, just do it and live live
Wed Sep 20.17 nm
Sooz going in for maybe surgery today - keep her in prayers - 2hr
phone last night, I finished most of flask of brandy - tipsy - lots
of water, one Advil, no food, sleep ~11:30? Many x up to pee, drink
water - seem to be okay. Looked into DAL hotel yesterday,
arrangements with DAL for office visit form etc, today set up flight
- WL has to pay for them in advance. Hold fast. They do it or I
don't have to go. They do not respond to emails etc. WTF?
All the big stress about no ! day LA trips - because - saying no
means jostling massive efforts I've made to be indispensable - it's
risking a lot - my truest wish I suppose to to keep this job
forever. Financial "security", status, way to fill time, define
Anyway - R will be gone for ~10 days? That week will be tough, but
just say 'I'm basically alone this week, go in at 8' - do not freak
out. Be friendly sympathetic clear and firm. Make them feel good
about being turned down. Hahahahah.
K may lose job & house. Sooz in surgery. NMM sending paintings -
Tues I shared some early sexual Fridas no one else has seen
(cunnilingus, bondage, anal), explaining that while looking for
Frida pics for Montages, I read many articles and came to a new
understanding, admiration and respect, and did more serious
Tues Sep 19.17 nm
Mellowing out at work - abbreviated hours while R & I out in Oct -
general understanding that I will not be doing 1-day Fri trips,
video conf training is option, it's resolved as it's ever gonna be.
So I can relax. Cool. My internal fight is played out, whatever that
was about. No word back from WL HR, but ball is solidly in their
court. Anything else comes up, it's their baby.
Posting nudes to private page - no hassle/time-outs yet - must've
been that HS girl I added without asking - so my fault.
Some people never grow up - what does that mean? A character in E
Leonard's Glitz - you don't have to have a family to grow up - but
maybe it means buckling down and acknowledging areas where steps can
be taken towards full responsibility for myself/my life - some
things can't be taken care of - unpredictables - health - but no I'm
insured and all, and have worked hard to make myself high-value and
indispensible at work. Could work harder on family - but - family is
tough for everyone. I'm fine.
Daddy issues at work - yes, job/system is Daddy - but it's a
machine, we are all in, so don't take nothing personal - self
employed you're your own daddy, own boss, I hear it's extra hard.
Welcome to the machine. Leave personal issues at door.
Cool blue mildly melancholy end of summer days, dark before 8pm,
overcast - lovely tho.
Bed late, up early > shower smoothie - call Sooz tonight.
Life is good, Yes, Thank you. Good. Today will be good. Be good
Mon Sep 18.17 nm
This is my life, sitting at Nomad w/Cappuccino, after
shower/smoothie, yard check - chilling, checking fb - no more
writing about work unless it is something new. Let work take care of
work. Leave it at work. Let go - work at it - let go every day all
Sat mideast salad in backyard, called Mom, IM w/K & NMM,
laundry, Rockridge sushi boat dinner, BB groceries.
Sun didn't sleep well, tense, restless mind - stayed in bed
till ~9, pbj/salad - head for Reyes > Nicasio > box of CDs for Mike
to look through before book shelf > Pt Reyes Station for
sandwich/coffee drink/apple > use park restroom (digestion
discomfort lately, good to get that done) > Meadow trail to
Wittenberg - took side trail through field, lovely views of Drake's
Bay > perfect weather, late summer hot sun cool breezes sun just
beginning to get lower > sat, meditated looking at Drake's,
stretched left arm w/pinched nerve (?), rested in grove > easy walk,
beautiful day - mind working overtime about work - slowly getting a
grasp of how much it is about me, pushing back, fighting, wanting to
win, insisting on being respected > on the 'rightness' of my
Reciting serenity prayer > I can't change the system > I can
change my perceptive and attitude, watch out after my own health >
considered "I care for you" diety at work but maybe I am my own,
caring for myself - stretching my arm, thinking healthy positive
affirmations > last night & this morning massaging soothing balm
into top left arm pain point > might be helping?
Upcoming Dallas training will be fun. I will do my bit well.
Imperfect at first > better with experience. It is not my whole life
> when I leave it is my life. Enjoy. :-)
I thought, yesterday, while stressing, at Nicasio: I am headed to
Reyes, just dropped CDs off with Nicasio person, IM'ing with K
(photos from rock show), and NMM (detailed discussion erotic book
plate I shared, one of who's bodies looks like hers). How cottage
w/Buff & DJ keeps us in contact with K > how it's all good and
interconnected. Don't worry. Be happy.
Breath. Heal myself. Be good to myself. Don't worry about future
or past > if I'm doing well right now, then life is good. Kiss joy
as it flies.
Sexy IMs w/L in evening.
work stress is real - maybe valiums from doc for Dallas trip, to
help me sleep?
Life is good - I am healthy, sane, energetic > 5 miles up
Wittenberg yest, plus sitting meditation, laying in grove, brought
good food with me, properly dressed and prepared. And schedule was
flexible - got there ~1? Didn't even check time. This tells me
things are going well, and many problems I think I'm facing are in
my mind. Iain is another cog in machine, doing his job, I am doing
mine, ino right nor wrong, no moral issues, no abuse > just me
'Hey! This part is about to break, ease a bit! Here's an
alternative solution. That's my job - to inform them. I have done my
job. Now up to them. Don't prepare to argue any more > I am
over-prepared and upsetting myself for nothing. There's no gain, no
benefit in upsetting myself anymore. Let's see what they do.
Yes. Breath deep. I am loved and cared for. Losing Gil & Sooz
moving away is a hard loss, and I feel more vulnerable and lonely -
but there is still much good in my life. Stacey and Gil's family's
pain is way worse, just for perspective. Don't overplay my hand in
my own head. My life is good.
Yes. Good. Be good today.
Sat Sep 16.17 nm
Wk early & alone Wed/Thur w/both R&afternoon guy out (sick
Dad/headache respectively) - tiring, stressful, got it all done.
Reminds me I am not only one with problems - plus just had 4-day
relaxing weekend w/Eric, so had energy. OT, too - we are no longer
struggling to keep it to 8hrs/day - let it pile up - that will help
w/moral and balance lack of raises - talk to WL HR if there's a
prob. Also, WL/HR guy said they'll take care of Oct Dallas
flight/hotel - that's also a relief. Sigh. I can do it - job and WC
training - always remember to love/take good care of my health, even
if it means pushing back against being asked to do too much.
Protecting myself from burn-out comes first.
~9hrs sleep - feeling okay.
This week was all about work - work, eat, shower, shit, sleep. No
plans this weekend - rest the head, go through work CDs, match CDs
to cases, leave at Nicasio, laundry, groceries, tidy cottage, the
usual. Yard could use a few hours trimming. I've been neglecting -
B/DJ doing some. Been worrying about future - recent grief-related
body aches make me think about health, aging, and stress about no
1-day trips to LA pitting me against two large companies, reminds me
of my vulnerability - my usual focus is on my strengths and how
doing my job well gives me a lot of freedom of movement etc at work
- but lately it's all negative because I've said no to this one
thing to preserve my health. Not a good feeling. Do not get angry.
Do not get emotional. Leave anger and outrage out of it. They are
not Daddy, and this is not a Daddy issue - it's a health issue plain
and simple - I can't do what they ask without burning myself out,
leaving me unable to perform my other tasks effectively. Offer
solutions; compromise - don't overstate, or express moral outrage -
I will get no sympathy or positive response because everyone
is asked/forced to exhaust themselves for greater good of
company/co-workers - but don't compromise my health. Period.
Keep these points in mind for work.
Dallas doesn't seem so bad - fly down Mon - sleep -
2.5 days training - OT feels okay - doing an LA video conf training
later this month - if it works well may resolve 1-day LA trips. For
all I know they've already decided to go for that ,and not told me.
Leave it alone, Ball's in their court. Leave it there. My life is
in my court - live it, deal with it, call Mom, Skype w/Karen -
focus on my life - not issues best left for work to figure out.
I am feeling unsettled, disconnected from my life - too much time
stressing about work, unknowable, things I can't control, new
thoughts based on experiencing death of best friends. Ruins my Joie
de vivre. It's okay - it is okay - I'll settle down - my life is
good. Enjoy it.
Yes. Good. Be good today. This will be a good day.
Wed Sep 13.17 nm
Stressed and unhappy about work - I want to get in an easy groove,
but Taf & Jeff quitting, big upcoming training, and as yet
unresolved LA trips stressing me out - that's life, everyone is
working extra hard and not getting raises. So I'm 63, so I slow down
- I can find ways to make it work. Have fun in Dallas. Breath in
confidence and strength, breath out fear.
Randy emailed last night, saw it this morning, Dad not well, not
in today - I did not hop up and run in - no - I need, in spite of
everything, to take care of myself - it's not as if B&WL have shown
appreciation or returned loyalty I've shown.
R not in Mon before Tues DAL trip - so I might open
at 7, lv ~noon, flight @ 4? arrive 7 - hotel by 9. Might work. But
Jesus - long day.
Was gonna book flight today, but need R's support - sigh. Shit.
Mexican sandal down leg shot from N.
Okay - 8am - showered & breakfasted. 2hr call w/S last night.
Boy - my work attitude is terrible - overworked, underpaid,
underappreciated - okay - that's life in big capitalist city - but
lack of control of LA trips despite everyone recognizing how
exhausting they are, available options, compromises, all to save
company a couple hundred bucks on my back, is demoralizing.
1979 Berkeley by Hope
"yes I like your body I would like to see more of it and I would
like to see the painting"
Mon Sep 11.17 7:30 hm
Easy driving to/fro, no big names we care about at Jazz/Blues,
perfect weather - didn't drunk much, danced a little, blonde wailer
n a tight red dress Beth Hart and her rockabilly guitarist were fun
- shared couple joints with individual, started up a couple in river
- different now that it's legal, I got a mild fun buzz, E got a bit
drunk Sun afternoon - hung out, evenings watched Deadwood
episodes, sushi breaks, Mexican dinners, smoothie breakfasts, more
from lobby - medicinal sleepy pot, good digestion, fair sleep -
Fri we brought work stress with us, bled into Sat, by
Sunday feeling pretty good, Mon morning real nice - yes -
it only lacked a band to get excited about, something we have
history with, or can say "We saw so-and-so!"; in every meaningful
way it was great - long weekend in river valley, eating, drinking,
wandering, sitting in cottage lazy-boys, redwood grove porch view -
oh my - doing as we pleased - Mexican clothes vendors I got
pants/shirt from at Accordion fest there, got another shirt/comfy
shoes. Couple beers both days - no prob - sipping the beer and
eating food took care of it.
Brought pillow and quilt, food - IMs/photos with several people -
L, N, K - N sent requested back pic - language barrier hazard,
subtleties lost - we both said, should not be be so afraid of
discomfort. Ask for what we want, say what we like, cards fall where
they will. We are having fun, best is to let it flow - there's no
tomorrow - it may hurt, we may be confused - dark flat pic of back -
thank you, she says don't have to say thank you - she does it for
her - makes sense.
Knees were bothering me this week, worried about twisting, Eric
suggesting supplement sposed to be good for joints - instant placebo
effect - fuck - this worries me a little - what am I missing? Am I
acting out in ways I do not recognize?
Bain & WL do not care at all about my health - saving couple
hundred bucks outweighs everything else, my health, my comfort -
they will look at my value and realize it's worth keeping me, and
work things out so I'm comfortable. End of story. It's all cool -
getting upset about their lack of concern for my health will drive
me nuts - "Forget it, Jake. It's Capitalism!" Don't take it
personally - it's not personal to them, at all! Strictly business.
Good relaxation - self indulgence - showed up early, cottage ready
@1pm - lovely drive home down coast - whales - flukes! feeding!
Orcas! What a trip and treat. Beautiful afternoon - not too hot,
sunny and slight breeze, no to light traffic.
Brandy in flask, sipped now and then just for fun - didn't feel it
much, dumped last few snorts into grass front of cottage.
This psychological pain business - what's best approach,
understanding - utilize, with prayer, affirmations etc - without
Packing for fest went well - all unpacked now - Bowl for groceries
- Stilton cheese snack, gave big slab to Buff/DJ, snacked on some
w/crackers. Soup / bread dinner? Cool.
Fri Sep 8.17 nm
In/out early all week, for new hire morning training/photos
- missed Sooz call Thu night - focused on taking it easy, not
draining myself before music fest weekend, so feeling pretty
well-rested - slept ~10:30-7:30am -. LA requested video
conference training end-of-Sep, so that's positive - emailed
WL HR Fri asking when is discussion with WL admin about job
description?; LA vid conf may render that unnecessary(?); best be
settled/finalized - don't want 1-day LA trips coming up again. Good
to have that all settled/pressure off me. Still, I made a decision,
approached it professionally, stated my position
logically/coherently, stood my ground - I win. well done. Stressful,
uncomfortable - that's part of process, tests seriousness/integrity
of the position.
I win. Interesting experience. Learning.
Doing pretty well about letting go - mentally - chill-out - almost
5 days off - needed and good timing - not bringing any work bullshit
with me. WL messing up my paychecks, got that settled - can start
punching in-and-out more randomly, get a little OT in there - cool!
Let go of NMM this weekend - this is about me, Eric, river valley,
people at fest. I don't really want to engage w/N that way anyway I
think. Photo tease was confusing us - okay trade-off? Pics,
flattery, excitement in exchange for emotional confusion? Well, yes
- when it caught us unawares - but I think we would not consciously
choose it; anyway, now we understand what happened, it can't happen
again, because no spontaneity. If we chose to do it, then it's a
relationship. Maybe. The part of my humanity that wants not to be
alone, a companion, etc, is in pain reminded by this unexpected
contact and arousal, juices flowing. Give it even more time. It
hurts. I keep wanting to ask for something which is not what I want
- I want to ask for photos, when what I want is the person. A gift
of photos I tell myself will ease the pain - but that's not so - as
pain goes, this is hardly worth the name - but it's sad. I'm sad.
Okay. Sadness - only my share. Let's not dwell or make too much of
Clear my mind. All is well.
8:50am - home now, smoothie, pack, shower - leave ~11am? Nice.
Looking forward to it. Lucky, healthy, happy, not being in a
relationship allows me much freedom, hanging with a friend for 3
days. I am a lucky bastard, have worked hard for what I have,
admitted my weaknesses, made amends for my thoughtlessness and
cruelty, admitted my anger, grievance, resentments. Tried my best.
Been given the gift of loving humans unreserved. Fortunate.
Be here now.
Yes! Good! Today will be a great day! Looking forward to this fest
all year, is almost better than the event itself. Keeps a still
center of joy in my heart.
$500 from bank yesterday - took Rockridge BART home, coffee on
sidewalk table, cheese, prosciutto from market, sushi boat/sake -
stroll home. Dig it. Sit at corner College / Alcatraz, I always
remember blonde sexy-smile art girl photos, in small white room,
with extreme direct sunlight, too embarrassed / shamed at my
arousal to take erotic photos - well I did some, but did not address
it directly, then she took b&w negs - which, okay - because they
weren't that good.
Pot, 1/2 painkiller, MBV Loveless, light show, Duke Nuken
walkthroughs, tootsie pops, made for a very relaxing evening. :-)
Ordered Peter Cushing autobio from Amazon.
Tues Sep 5.17 hm 7:20pm
Back on fb - gonna keep private photo group but not post nudes -
or only post censored versions? Lay low. Members said nice things,
made me feel good about my little group. Friendly vibe, models in
group willing to acknowledge themselves in photos means a lot to me,
people meet, Australian rocker likes Colleen photo, asks directly
for permission to use on CD, artists I've met through Frida pic
learn more about who I am. It's high value. I dig it. Shelley Barn
ette sees her pic on '77 hillside, gets attention for her youthful
flowering, sees where it fits in my art, and in our lives/shared
experience. Some models get positive attention anonymously. This is
all seriously cool stuff. No just me getting shame-free validation &
attention for my efforts, but a small community of sorts. I'm not a
great artist, but there's some talent, beauty, and visible struggle
to do something fine. So leave it up, and post non-nudes.
Download fb site today, in case.
8-4:30 Tue-Thu: Whole day
taking/formatting/uploading photos, welcome flyers, then updating
hand-outs, printing for 26 people. Many - most? - have been at B
before. Forget that - it's just a job, do my best, leave out some
extras & ppt etc., focus on tables/charts. Then another training
w/smaller group Thurs am.
Then long weekend in cabin, porch, redwoods, meals, chill out,
music, river - yes - cool.
Mon Sep 4.17 II home 8:15pm
Shower, pack, call Mom ~10:30 - lv ~11:10 - almost empty tank,
filler up - easy traffic to Pt Reyes; salmon sushi while driving,
when parked mideast salad/water, feel too full - yucky - decide feel
too yucky for 5miles hike, hang in Ranger center, walk short
earthquake trail, Pt Reyes Station ~1? Book store, wander, grocery
store for berries, start to rain (!?!), after 100degree everyone is
like WTF? IM w/K about E's demands, J/lice/shaved head, etc. Send
photos to K, NMM, Eric -
Feeling crummy all day - just, not happy - not bad bad
- a lot of it I think is anticipating pressure to do 1-day LA trips.
Nicasio ~3:30, good seat 2nd row left center, Sons of Champlin - he
looks kind of bad, but music is greater/cheers me up, 3 Juicy Lucy's
throughout day, chicken BBQ, give 1/2 away to guy sitting nearby
'cause I'm full - glad he accepts. Happy 6-s peace and love music -
and they are so good! Damn.
Easy drive home, Derek Dominoes - last summer BBQ of 2017 - 3-day
week - 3 nights/days in Guerneville cabin for music fest. End of
summer blues? But low on horizon warm light lovely. Thank you Sooz
for the great life-changing car.
It's fun after years of exploring, driving around, hanging here
and there, spontaneous wandering.
Back on facebook ~5am - then what?
Some sad weepiness - I think it's about Gil. Life seeming a
pointless repetition and all. I think I'm depressed.
Mon Sep 4.17 nm
Feeling awfully victim-y - partially being at 63 learning awful
truth: we don't get to retire - ever - we work work work till we die
- simple- ; we do more work without raises - we're all in same boat
- so don't embarrass myself and irritate people by crying about my
I work harder than I need to - so I have control there. Relax.
Show up - do my job - go home and relax, enjoy my cottage, friends,
food, health. I need to keep telling myself this. I'm gold. Relax at
work. Boy, but that thought, anxiousness comes on - I have been
trained all my life to work hard. Okay - so work hard - but not to
prove a anything to myself - there's nothing to prove - if I work
hard let it be because I enjoy challenge.
Hot again today - up till midnight, probably woke ~4 and
snooze/flopped till ~8. Ice cubes in my smoothie -
- Fb responded to my protest - my impression is fb will not come
searching if no one complains. If I post no more nudes probably be
okay. Still - post an announcement, start removing more revealing
shots, remove some recently added high school people, ask anyone who
might be offended to please leave group. But! - point of group was
safe place for nudes - if they are all removed, might as well make
it public? Hmm.
9:20 - shower, BB will be closed - get more smoothie fixings
Tues after wk.
A bit weary - but Mideast salad etc - easy 5mile Bear
Valley/Wittenberg/PBJ - same as last week - could be good - fresh
air/exercise always good.
Re-read an IM to Matthew Davis (Mass GT friend) about Gil's death
- man, I was a mess. I knew I was knocked down, but maybe having
months to prepare, months of fucked-upness about it - when I was
even further down, did not realize where I was at. Owch. Thank you,
Karen, for pointing out that even so, I was also supporting her,
Sooz, Stacey - helping others helped me by taking my mind off my own
Feeling a little lost - loss of Facebook community? Daily likes
and all. Remember, this is intentional - cutting loose - only
keeping those that are real. More to life than Facebook "friends",
politics, and new technologies (phone).
K - home - shower - call Mom? - lv ~11 for Reyes.
Sun Sep 3.17 home 7pm
Huh - few small swallows of brandy from flask - soon after
motivation fled - ~2 deep nap, bad hot air? listened to body, wake
~3, wank, reheated beef/bean soup - Telegraph for mocha frap -
People's Park yuchh - stroll up Telegraph, through campus, loop west
& back through Sather Gate - pics to K & NMM -
- Student Union stairs catch my attention - how similar campus
looks - sit, sifting through memories for specifics, then realize
date - Sep 3 - 44th anniversary of leaving home - Sept 3, 1973, Sept
3rd month of Summer - I remember 3s. 9th month (3x3), I was 19. Lots
of time of those stairs. Met Shelley B on those stairs. Sitting
there, or walking/driving past Church on Haste used to fill me with
emotion - now, just - huh - there - yes - I survived - deeper
feelings than I realize - different type of reaction as I age, less
excitable - but it mailed me there for a while - part of my life
history. Deep connection to that spot. My spot.
IM'd Lo, Parri & K. Would have told Gil.
Back down Telegraph, Japanese $1.50 shop: bottle brush, aloe
container, car sunshade snacks -, take pics of Mediterranean &
Moe's, send to Parri - she bummed their closed. BB for salad, soup
for tomorrow's hike - hoping to do 7mile before Sons of Champlin
BBQ. Me and my 60s stuff. Well, it was one of the major cultural
events of the century and of my generation - natural that I and many
others tried to hitch a ride. I am what I am. Despising myself,
comparing myself negatively to others, is a loss of energy - I did
best I could, so I won. Thought of that on campus stairs today - I
did it, I came out, stayed, had no choice, had heard that after
1-year residence one could got to school for free (thanks Ted
white), I just got under line before Prop 13 killed that. Almost
everything grows out of that: Eric, Scott, Gil, Karen, Xo, Buff/DJ,
job, marriage, cottage, Suzanne, car. Fuck. If I wanna look at it
that way - it worked. I came out, went to school; my life is built
around those experiences: networks, connections. Fuck me. Won.
Cool. Good. Life is a gas.
People who seemed to have more charm, natural abilities for
survival - seemed - seemed - what did I know? I was envious of
anyone who had a clue. I had no clue. Who knows their reality. I got
lucky. Got by with a lot of persistence (which was, as Alex Chilton
said, simply not knowing what else to do) and a little help from
Enjoy it while I got it. This is good. Happy & healthy. No
complaints. Right? Right. I die tomorrow. Don't matter, I have this
44th anniversary of leaving home. Visited Student Union stairs.
Shared Telegraph pics with a friend from those years. Life.
Sun Sep 3.17 nm
I have already won.
Hmm - seem to have slept well last night: bed towel a bit flipped,
not spun into a sweaty snake to one side. Clean bed clothes/late
night shower always a good thing. Laundry, groceries, even quarters
- it pleases me to have a jar of $170 in quarters. Tom's black
ceramic jar full of quarters, Mary's inlaid Russian wood cup
dinosaur balls etc. I keep gifts from Mary & Tom close - I *have*
gifts from Mary & Tom. Think it over.
Quiet on fb this morning - what is life without facebook? Not
posting every day or so for attention - not having to decide on new
cover photo, or entertaining post. Clear view. Of the morning.
Up ~7:30, comfy - smoothie in balmy backyard, sunlight comes
through warms west view flora - peaceful - breath into my anxieties
- some may be, what with Gil dying, feeling myself moving into
concerns about old-age, unemployment, loss of health. I breathed
confidence into areas of fear. Next week trainings - always bit of
stress - that's normal and okay. 25+ people for 3.5hrs on Wed
- get it done, do hard work, skip Frida stuff/Design, dig into ppt/company
app. Less fun and self-indulgence, more giving them what they need.
Still collecting sub pics of LR; no response to IMs. Breath in.
At work: stop worrying, enjoy, don't be afraid, focus on positive
- people who enjoy and admire me, perks, view, free food and coffee
- breath in confidence; worrying/nervousness accomplish nothing;
don't work so hard! They can't take my savings, turn my friends
against me, kick me out of my cottage, take my car, take away my
serenity/self confidence, take away my mind or history - they can't
touch me. They can fire me - that's it. Their only power.
That power has to overcome my power: 17yrs
experience, lead west coast trainer, high-value reputation with all
the right people. Fair fight. Fuck'em. Yayyy Robert! It's between WL
& B now - let them work it out.
Bosses - necessary evil.
One day without facebook - no difference except maybe a more open
mind free time unstructured no-focus on what to post. This is good.
But save photo group. Make it me only - take out all nudes -
re-open. No problem.
I - I - I - flap - flap - flap. Flapping a little - way past worst
of it: last week's making it personal, putting myself in position of
bullied at work. I can choose my battles. No battle here. There
is no battle here. There is just: I'm exhausted/burning out,
it's about to get worse, so I am doing right thing, bringing it to
HR's attention, in a professional, positive, problem-solving manner.
Total win for everyone. I've learned how to do it. Cool.
My battle was with myself - if and how to say 'no' - courage to
stand and speak-up for myself - who to talk to. I wanted to fight it
out myself, but there was no one to fight - no visible opponent -
too many choices. How do I win? So I was thrashing about in my mind,
fighting myself. Sent note and info to I @B, cc'd Tracey in TOR, WL
HR folks. Now they have all seen what's up, including fact that I
went to doctor about burn-out. Let them talk it out and decide if
it's worth accommodating my health concerns.
I have already won.
Working at Bain has been an amazing learning positive experience -
so lucky to work in that friendly exciting environment. Current
issue with over-work/burn-out ought not to threaten my position.
Ought to provoke thinking, review, forward-thinking solutions that
work for everyone.
Soon this will be resolved, and I wonder if all this writing about
it will look boring in the future? Point is it helps me to write it
out. So - boom.
Gonna be a hot one - do Bear Valley tomorrow before Sons BBQ.
Today... ? Olampoli? Tilden? 9am - now what?
Sat pm, man - memory foggy - heat frying my brain - after
laundry, hankering for fried rice meal, WF for hot bar - eat chicken
rice veggies on patio - Buff & DJ in backyard at home, Buff friendly
as always - I am withdrawn - work on reaching out from behind wall
of Gil Death Hurt. Oh, haha - got a $10 bottle of Christian Brothers
brandy, filled flask (from Oregon vacation), had one sip. Just - a
thing I want to experience - a flask, a sip. Careful.
I have already won.
Sat Sep 2.17 nm
I dunno - and Randy at work doesn't seem worried about LA trips -
but he's been wrong about other stuff, assuming Bain would take care
of our Dallas flights etc. Trust my instincts, but relax and love
Was feeling empty and bad this morning - partially heat and
dehydration, sleep lack - and NMM i a flirtation making me miss a
relationship. It's like a sickness. It's going like I want - nudes
if they fit as part of online friendship, not forced or even
requested, unless time feels right.
Drive to bank for $200 quarters - fucking HOT! - 100+ - dry,
smoggy, smoke from fires - Telegraph, mochas frap from Peets, book
store where Cody's used to be, couch, re-read photo book of
Casablanca - weepy - "No one ever loved me that much." waillll weep
weep weep - hahaha - Amoeba records - considered a $130 re-issue of
Sgt Pepper with how we did it CDs, movies and bog fat book by Paul
McCartney. Then forgot about it - but would be $350 worth of fun.
At book store, thought, felt alone, also that that was okay - I
should be feeling alone! Gil & Sooz are gone, loss of Scott
connections leave me more isolated, and I've chosen that.
Chose to move on and let go of the music scene that never was all I
made of it, but served a purpose to avoid despair. Real part:
photos, tours, lights, roadie'ing, occasional companions, prestige,
cool'ness, sex, drugs, names to drop, leather jacket etc fed the
youthful hedonist gang network needs. Met Karen and all that
implies. See. Some of it is real. But it is now, not then.
So it's okay to feel alone, unsatisfied, not need 70s-870s music
long hair blue jeans bohemian lifestyle now. Deal with it.
Loneliness might be scary - but it's honest - maybe will lead to
real movement and decisions - living on illusion and dreams will not
get me far.
On way home groceries, IM w/K, asked Eric to post note on my page
about 3 day time out, check in with Bobby who's bro got killed and
she is suffering, thanked XO for UK candy. Sushi box lunch, ~5:30
smoothie and laundry. Cool. Get things done. Feeling better.
sweating like crazy. Lots of water please - I'm slugging it
down/hardly peeing at all. No facebook is no problem.
I'm in control. Cool.
Sat Sep 2.17 nm
Lordy - a bit hot - 100+ yesterday, woke ~4am, checked fb, 3-day
facebook time-out, someone either accidentally, or a new person I
added who didn't like nudes (if so, my bad, should have asked, but
no way to know) complained about Britney's nudes on private
members-only fb group. I've pushed back, it being a private group,
but rules seem to say no nudity anywhere, even in private group. No
prob - no need to fb this weekend (unlike say when Gil was sick), I
can still IM, all my 'best' photos I wanted people to see have been
up now for years - so mission accomplished - and a fb break can only
be good. Let go.
Got into bad mood Fri - and last night - heat and
No plans Sat-Sun - quarters from bank - groceries -
too hot for Tilden? Later afternoon maybe? Gah.
IMd w/NMM - through some discomfort - sexy photos, do they turn me
on - joke question, but I answered, nt used to come. Isador Duncan &
Rodin. Fun stuff.
Better to hang onto phony 'friends' and scene, or dump, prepare
for reality, give real friends quality attention, honest, trusting
version of Robert we all deserve. Questions answers itself. I do not
know Steve Wynn, CVB, etc - Jonathan a little - very little - shared
grief - yeah - move on from past, stop following Dream Syndicate,
CVB etc. They are not my scene, nor my taste in music - don't be
bitter, it all serves a purpose - no need to be angry, cut them of -
just, be real. Scott is dead. There's no more need for my Scott
photos - they should go to Kristine. Davis bands - sure, some fun
college memories for me - an important time in my life, painful
as it was, more painful without it. Life and learning, being
forced to face reality that there is no 'art career', no hidden jobs
waiting for me to stumble upon - but I got a job that uses my desire
to fix, design, problem solve (after
years practice trying to solve me and family haha).
Good timing on fb break. Maybe good timing on closing private
page. All the good stuff already done. Good. Move on.
But it was a place for my friends/acquaintances/art-Frida
people, from different times of my life to be in one place - and for
that, I mourn. Bummer.
Okay - bank - groceries/lunch - drink lots of water! Eat!
Yes! Good! Today will be a good day!
Note: I am not thinking about LA trips - may be background
anxiousness - but some success in leaving it for Bain & WL to work
Fri Sep 1.17 nm
Sweaty night, up ~3 and not great sleep but okay - work stressing
me out, mainly training business coming up -
But - LA trips between Bain & WL - let them sort it out, be
available, professional, positive in seeking solution. Contact WL
and let them know you are concerned to get decision going, again
offer to help anyway I can. Positive positive positive. If there's a
solution, there is no problem. If Iain approached me, ask him
politely to contact WL HR. Solution - no problem. Relax. Iain has a
job, which is to ferret out waste - HR has a job which is protect
workers from bring ground down by the machine. I do my job, and let
them do theirs. Tah-dahhh!
Noticed on fb I was posting stuff from childhood: catechism,
dinosaurs on beach - reverting to childhood helplessness where
adults make the decisions? Dunno - just noticed...
Caught up w/Tessa - some Larry Clark and move 'Love' pics and gigs
to several folks including NMM i a - light contact - I think we were
both feeling anxious to get to know each other better - learning we
need to be patient, accept what comes...a thing. Watch it unfold.
Short day - yay - free Sat/Sun - Sons BBW Mon...
then short week and long Guerneville weekend. Oh man, so looking
forward to it. A good positive thing - I am fortunate to experience
it - small pat on shoulder Bob, I went out, got it, did it, asked
Don't forget to get hotel for WEF - call and find out when rooms
Finished UK candy from Xo/K last night - don't seem to be
experiencing sugar crash - diff sugar from US candy?
Stressing at wk yesterday, about DAL trip, who pays for tickets
etc - 3-4 bags of pretzels, bowl of cereal, bags of peanuts... catch
myself when I do that, walk around, drink water instead.
K - up @6:30, smoothie, shower, dress, Nomad - got an extra hour
sleep this morning - lots of free time makes me anxious - but hey -
work in yard, clean cottage always good, re cover holes in shower
stall, get negatives out for work scanning. Life is good. Great job.
Honestly, don't worry about raise too much - not many people getting
them, and quality of job and perks count for a lot!
Ask for it, put the info out - but don't get personal. Strictly
business, professional. No emotional it's not
fair, nor threats real or implied. But do
put word out, so it's on record. Yes. That is correct.
See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend.
Thu Aug 30.17 nm
Slow work day - nice! - on fb private photo page, I think on the
fb titty algorithm notice someone is checking nudes as 'wrong', and
they're being censored - sigh.
Sent N u r i a Larry Clark nudes & her head on Frida w/gun - even
tho was 'past' initial arousal after bathtub nudes from 10 days ago,
took a little longer to feel sure I was not sharing while secretly
hoping to get more nudes, which I really - well, mainly - don't want
outside some kind of communication or artistic context. I would love
some artsy nude selfies, to see what she does w/her body. Naked pics
of body are fine and enjoyable on a narrow level - but then it ends,
once you've seen 'everything' - what is left? In this case potential
for them used for us to get to know each other better is most
important and fulfilling.
Tracey N at work booked hotels, will fly out Monday - good. Was
concerned they fly me out at 4am. Okay - I'll see a little of
Dallas, have a few days off work, learn stuff that puts me in a
powerful position - but money talks - push for compensation
After work groceries - fruit, soup, bread - ate box of Turkish
Delight from K&Xo in bed. Yum!! Wed am found small working
lamp on Shattuck corner - cool!
My Job: I'm underpaid. Yes, of course, that's whole point
of out-sourcing. At 63, with my financial record, cannabis use, etc
work could be hard to find - oh, maybe some temp stuff - . At job, I
am comfortable and well-known, useful, healthy food buffet, bank,
dentist etc close by - great view! Fun walks through San Francisco
after work. Close to BART. Lots of good learning opportunities, and
- yes - prestige. Free food, coffee, snacks - the photography,
interesting learning events, etc - being lead west Coast 'expert'
- so add it up - along with video editing, scanning, photoshopping
my own stuff, being able to use phone for personal stuff, and still
have time to give 100% to my work -
It is not wise to push for compensation, to draw attention to
myself, encourage them to take a long cold look at me and ask, is
this guy worth it?
So, okay - ask - but don't be pushy, be pleasant - find solutions
- more PTO?
But when thinking about compensation, remember how sweet this
position is, that it allows me to help support Karen and XO - Do It
For Her - I tell myself I might be willing to die for her - will I
continue to work, even if underpaid, for her? Okay - yes - but -
still, make my case for more compensation, and if it does not
happen, don't work myself to point of burn-out. I have been chilling
a bit more at work - less stress - and that does seem to be helping.
(Also getting past Trauma of Gil's death). Visit Stacey - this