angrylambie blog 2017

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 Mon Oct 23.17 nm
 Very relaxing energizing weekend in Bragg/Mendo - chill vacation, in beautiful location - Sat pm strolling south headlands during drizzly overcast "sunset" dusk - Sun morning sunny white light -
 After Sun hotel, MacKerricher, walk planks, barefoot down coast, stop at blowhole for 30mins - video, stills - sent to L/N etc (after my gentle encouragement, N sent another shower side selfie) ... fb profile is close-up face in mirror photographing penis - 1980 - JAA wrote I Love You on mirror - my expression intensely focused; share uncropped version with a few friends, silly as it is - completes profile pic joke haha.
 Back through Bragg - headlands, sunny bright, rough surf, blue sky/ocean, foliage colors extra saturated, loud rush roar of ocean - fantastic - hated to leave - lunch box from grocery store, espresso from cafe - zoom - easy drive home, relaxing, music - no pot - SR ~4:30, split up cannabis (Harlequin & White, candies), check diff places downtown, wind up at sushi - that was fine; after, one drink at bar down street - his bday today - 61, Happy B-Day Eric! Talk about seeing so many homes burned reminds us how easily all we 'own' could disappear in an instant - ask ourselves what is its real value.
 Easy drive home in dark, with! music in Sooz's car - thank you! Sleep ~10:30, sleep decent, up ~7:10. Getting those 8hrs in. Today at work start prepping to support beta teams for training later this week. Cool.
 Youg Robert selfie photo sharing is fun - just - stay sane - don't make too much of it, or get addicted. Adult fun. That's all.
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 Sun Oct 22.17 I Bragg Hotel am
 Sat - mainly overcast but nice, light breeze - surf low but rough and fun!
 Fri pm sleep ~9, several cannabis infusions - tincture, flower, bonbon - on top of being worn out, with those inducements, sleep deep and serene - up ~5:30, shower, pack food clothes electronics, lv 6:30 - dark when I left, brain tired - this coast trip is mainly about resting my mind in a beautiful place - quiet, thank you.
 Easy traffic all the way, no obvious fire damage on 101 near SR. Cloverdale Starbucks, Boonville $6 double espresso (!?!- good, though); apple orchard for dried apples, boxes and gourds photos, friendly black kitty petting; Rock Store walk through; strolled redwoods by river, not usual pullover spot - straight to headlands, pretty rough low-tide surf, lots of video, laid down a shot while overlooking water, meditated a bit - very good! Brain tired - not using it too much - just doing stuff - sharing pics to Nur, K etc
 Into town for Oddfellows Art Gallery, wifi cafe, cannabis - two 1/4s, Harlequin, some stronger indica, candies. Bragg, hotel, raining! ~5 back to Mendo. couple hits of new indica - 1 would have been enough, 2nd hit was big; not bad - mainly relaxing - but too much - one hit would be perfect. Wander south headlands high, overcast and gloomy, mostly had it to myself - sound of ocean, soft light, vague traces of yellow and pink in gray clouds. It was alright. Made me happy to be alive - stripped down below society, training and my personal memories etc, just a conscious entity in this existences. Need that sometimes. Brass tacks.
 Mendo General store for razor blades, salad bar, hot soup (yum!!), chocolate bars, jelly beans -, - let them know I have munchies! It's Mendocino for fucks sake. Jelly beans on drive back to Bragg in nighttime rain, soup, salad, chocolate bar at hotel - Duke Nuk'em videos, hit of Harlequin, sleep ~9 - think I slept decently till ~6.
 IM w/K & N - K leaving for barc w/Xo tomorrow - PayPal'd ~$1.4K which equals $1K pounds. Keep it simple. That will help with Xo's plane ticket, hotel, meals etc. I've been pretty good with finances - can do $1.3K car insurance + help K with barc = still have baseline 50+. Cool. I like how this went, this was a good time to do it - we'd discussed it, but not amounts etc - we both been busy - time comes, she's leaving tomorrow, I'm all rested and meditated out, morning Bragg hotel w/coffee - had my smoothie - send her the $$ for Xo - now, shower, pack and whatever the fuck I want - this is more about chill than taking every opportunity to hang by ocean - it's there, air is cool and clean - morning sun bright!!
 Sips of hotel coffee. Nice. Healthy mideast salad in fridge. Walk headlands some more.. sushi with Eric on way home. Thank you Sooz for the car - I love her, I love you, it makes a huge difference in my life.
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 Sat Oct 21.17 Cloverdale Starbucks
 Fri Alex called in sick, my computer broke.. etc.. morning busy, so slowed down afternoon, 10hr day, closed.. work got slow in afternoon yay - tired, but no plans for weekend, booked Bragg hotel ~$80 - that's ~3-4hrs pay - ; budget was looking good, but I forgot to include auto insurance subtraction, there goes ~$1300 - gah!! Alost 2x as much as for Siouxie. But I don't mind, she's a great car. Concerned I'd be too tired to enjoy coast overnight -
 - brief meditation/sitting nap on BART helped, straight to Bowl for fruit, eggs, sandwich etc. Remade bed, pulled down suitcase & food cooler - cannabis chocolate, tincture etc - shower - bed ~9, slept good till ~5am, right on. Pack food/clothes, make pbj, pillow, blender - lv ~6:30am. ~8:30 now.
 Driving past SRosa & Geyserville, no sign of last week's fire - no slowdowns, smoke, burned trees nor debris - weird.
 Fri I sent Nmm two hillside nudes by ShelleyB, close-up on bits - @wk she sent distracting (more fun if there's a purpose, such as to distract) pic of back/side similar, almost exactly, as I'd shown in drawing. Beautiful soft light, every hillock, valley, curve and slope. Brown skin overlaid muscles/bone. Beautiful.
 So that's cool & fun; I'm being careful not to make more of it than that. We're adults, in diff countries; it is good to do this sharing. Almost daily hellos - I think it's okay. Just now, sent her 2nd 1979 selfie, after sitting hippie hard smile niuce pic, shot a darker more serious one against wall. The Two Roberts: cnflict between niceness, and sexual desire.
 Feeling okay - enough sleep, enough food (snacking way to much at work/gaining weight).
 Triple cappuccino and scone - pee and leave.
 Doing what I want.
 I catch myself asking if what I'm doing is bad.
 Maybe more focus on if what I'm doing is good.
 Focus on reward instead of punishment.
 Carrot instead of stick.
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 Thu Oct 19.17 nm
 Overcast, getting cooler - sleeping in sweatshirt/Mexican drawstring hippie pants, comfy - bed is comfy. Luxurious with 5 pillow, layers, Mendo quilt - time soon to bust out Nan's heavier quilt and/or comforter. Soft morning light through skylight - skylight is one of my favorite things - beautiful light changing throughout day, seasons, year.
 Catching up at work, start practicing 1 hr/day on updated app... most of Dallas training was how to train - I should be able to get my head around app reasonably easily?
 Shared b&w porn gif - woman standing up off cock - w/3 friends, wondering about appeal - mesmerizing - 2 said 'eh'! L liked it. Interesting. Now back off that stuff for a bit - cool off - don't let sex dominate - it gets boring; being an interesting person, thoughts, discussion more important to all.
 I almost miss going into work early, and getting off when there's light - back to 10-6:30 - but soon it'll be dark at 5, then 4 - so - enjoy my light mornings. Many things have gone my way, from low rent, to skylight, work hours with free mornings, training at work taking me out of the daily production, upgrades keeping it from getting stale. Cool shit, yes - and being trainer forces me to get comfortable with lots of human contact, public speaking - being single lead trainer on West Coast is nuts - but there you go.
 Finished another Leonard - Pronto - fun stuff!
 Payday Fri - look into Mendo weekend again - are Monte Rio cabins down to $100 yet? Maybe a salt point visit?
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 Tues Oct 17.17 hm 6pm
 Short timeline:
 Dept head Jeff left in August
 I did 4 day Jazz Blues mid Sept
 Week I got back morning guy Randy Dad ill, days off
 Afternoon guy Culi sick 2 of those days
 So I open/alone 2-3 days - with temp to train (Sheba)
 Future hold Dallas trip to retrain for major app update
 But Randy on vacation 10 days, so whole training load is one me
 10 days I open 7am and mostly alone (temps not much help)
 Some trainings in there
 I go to Dallas 4 days (Randy gone 3 of those days)
 Now it's over - Mon/today photos/train 16 new hires
 Haven't done facepages since Aug - got most done this afternoon - finish tomorrow.
 Big fire up in Santa Rosa area.
 Anyway - dept head departure (2nd in 8 months) disruptive, then people out, temp to train, Dallas trip etc - been a bit time -consuming; snuck in a Mendo/Bragg weekend - I'm doing whole West Coast update beta teams support, no change in compensation/title. Okay - what the fuck. It's a good job. But don't kill myself. Still my own man, earned that after 17yrs. I do good. Not just the few hours of training, but getting to work on time, my diet, calling Mom, no bad vices. I can do it. I can do life. Yay.
 Sooz calling in a bit -
 Sun long IM with NMM - full story of Gringo.
 Sent pic Caroline Wong took of me Berkeley morning ~1977/78 - eye contact, shared with a few, they liked it - intimate eye contact. Nice. Sharing youthful sexuality, as deeply painfully confusing as it was back then, now it brings pleasure - this is healing - it's so long ago, distance makes it not-confusing and fun. Cool. I harbor vulnerable reservations and shame(?), but I think really, lucky to be able to share with a few internet friends, as a semi-public figure, as photographer, (responsible, intelligent) creator of viral Frida with gun, Scott Miller photographer.
 Leaving up private nude/other fb photo page, deleted ~100 people who rarely or never commented, and not posting anymore, but leaving it there as a record of cool event.  There was an interest in my photography after Scott died - one of first pics uploaded was Real Nighttime cover - still like that! - , I think my motivation was more something to do in the wake of suicide trauma - then Gil died... I dunno, those photos to some degree are who I am - I brought my best self to my art, most intelligence, skill, self-confidence and integrity - so sharing that, - maybe in some way - I'm letting many people see what, up till then, mostly only my closest friends, like Gil & Scott, and in past Donnette, saw. They saw that I had something going on. I took a chance and showed a lot of my work - not just my 'best'. Cool. If I get booted for another 2 weeks - - that's a chance I consciously taking.
 K - readjusted Agenda on today's ppt training. See if I get any feedback.
 Get to sleep in tomorrow. Back to routine. Oh, yes.
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 Sun Oct 15.17 nm
 Trying to adjust sleep post Dallas - sleep ~10, up @5, back to sleep till 8 - tried for 9, but eh!
 Remembered 2 dreams:
 1.) At work shirtless in baggy tied hippie pants, jobs not done were done by others - no one seemed to even notice I was shirtless. Seemed a little more like Davis Craft Center. Good memories about that place: tool counter, darkroom access (filched paper/film of course), and Jane). Scot and ALRN.
 2.) WEF, authority lady asks me to come with her into bldg, I comply good-naturedly - she says someone complained about a hostile attitude (?), I kept asking for details, what I did - I complain that naturally I'm annoyed by not being informed of what I did, and my annoyance will be used against me as hostility. Several people come and go, brief chats - after chatting with passerby (?), I find myself alone, fuck it - leave room, down hall, out of bldg, into dark UCD WEF Quad - dark, last bands have played... look for a place to park bike...
 Sounds like big changes at work, not being told what's going on, having to hide annoyance are impacting.
 Maybe work on finding an away-from-work space so it is not dominant and self-defining.
 Email to sibs saying I am safe, all respond with thanks and details of own fire situations.
 Talk to Mom for long time - hour? News about work, Dallas, fires etc.
 Sat Mainly weary, chill - mid-afternoon Shattuck sushi - mediocre, even chicken udon - find someplace else - w/tip, udon, dragon roll, sake = $50. For that I ought to enjoy it a lot more - sake was $20 for small bottle & less than nothing special. Pegasus bookstore/groceries on way home -
 Keeping in touch with Eric who's close to fire's edge and massive death and damage.
 Today, big laundry. Would dig to walk, Tilden or even Olampoli, but bad air, and requests that highways be kept clear for responders.
 One of my Frida friends who I barely know but send the old selfies to asked if maybe we could meet someday - said I seemed nice and she likes me art - I don't want to fuck with someone's emotions who sounds lonely; told truth, I'm comfortable sharing my young self so long as she enjoys that, but I'm introverted, never have met any internet friends face-to-face; so not ruled out but would depend on circumstances. Seemed okay at end, but this morning an IM saying she hoped I was not offended. Hmm.
 NMN knew each other bit through our fb pages, each other's art/paintings/Fridas, before we shared last June's vacation photos in real-time (as well as my youthful selfies, and her unexpected bathtub legs), but this other woman, she knows me through my page, but I know virtually nothing about her. So not as comfortable. Learned my lesson w/Lynn R & Lindy D, don't play cute with sex and emotions, words have power. It is easier for me, as a man, to keep them separate. Not that I am unaffected.
 Eric checked in - he's okay - but Saraj's house 80% burned.
 Checked in with Buzznet Bonny - she is having it tough, with relationship problems, brother murdered, hurricane hitting her fam in PR - she appreciated that I wished her well.
 My life is good and easy, even exciting right now - enjoy it while I got it  - the cottage, Buff and DJ, Bain - dream life - I got it for free - my trials may likely come and I'll wish for these days again. This, too, will pass - bad and good both. Don't be cocky, or think I'm special - I just got lucky. Appreciate that luck. Help friends in need. Don't over-do it with distance acquaintances to shine a lit on myself - like Saraj. Karen/Xo are family - keep an eye on those nearest and dearest.
 Mom, Karen, Eric, etc.
 K - phew - Training in Dallas was more intense than expected, I got knocked down a peg - stuff about app I didn't know - updates I need to learn, including training/presenting skills. Do best I can and all will be well.
 I thought I wanted things I did not want - lots of anonymous sex with random women. That is a healthy physical activity. I also wanted emotional connection. I enjoy women. My body/mind/cock wanted it, but it's not for everyone, esp not w/my religious upbringing (tho I played and experimented as much as possible). Be grateful for many naked women I got to spend hours with creating images combining sexual desire with visual tactics and beauty ( as well as lovers). All that nudity is a great gift to both of us, as was Game Theory, friendships, etc etc. I got what I wanted and needed.
 I have natural Irish gloominess + cloud of parents' suffering. But aside that my life is excellent, I am happy. At 63 my mother is alive. Just have to buck myself up every day, like most (?) people.
 Weekly calls to Mom make her day, and mine, too.
 Life is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 1991 Jenni L

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 Sat Oct 14.17 nm
 End of a long few weeks/months: grief (and body pain) over Gil, no dept head at work, Randy on 10-day vacation, 1-day LA trip controversy, Dallas trip to learn upgrades. new training style. Etc. End of that period. Good. Feeling a bit more relaxed, like myself - I need time to grieve - haven't had it last couple months - . Want some quiet time outside work to be in my life.
 But - don't talk about to much - death is a normal part of everyone's life - when someone asks how I am, to say death of a friend casts a shadow is self-centered - we all have that, we are all bummed born knowing this will end. I'm fine. Actually, compared to so many, my life is really blessed - thousands of homes burned up north, probably hundreds dead - burned to death for fuck's sake.
 I'm good, thanks. How are you?
 Trip to Dallas went well - kind of intense - this training set the goal - we will all learn at diff paces, all have different skills and personalities - shy, hyper, outgoing, etc - no one expects us to get good in an afternoon. Note I say we - already I see us AMER trainers as a group. We are all on the spot. And then we are also sposed to train folks in other offices, and keep an eye on them,, manage them? Seems a bit much! But, I have been getting a bit bored, repetitive training, keeping it interesting for myself by funking it up - so this is good timing and a blessing. All good. Amazing.
 N sent nice pics to "distract me" during training, and we discussed boundaries, needs, pressure, etc - feels better now.
 20yrs ago I was in jail for night, a DUI, deeply depressed, everything (marriage, car, job, self esteem) lost, bottomed out, knowing I would never be a teacher - now I am. Nice hotels, big meals, UBER around town, all expenses paid; my big personality and insecurities (which we all have!!) not stopping me from doing and keeping this cool job.
 Anyway - lots of smoothies - no trips north because of fires - Jane An tee checked in through friend at evacuee shelter - but her house likely gone (?), Eric getting smoked out by likely out of immediate danger, Saraj's house probably gone but don't know yet - we can continue to hope.
 Air was bad, seems better today.
 Sent email to sibs that I'm okay.
 No plans today - rest, call Mom, groceries, laundry, yard - chill - normal life. Nice.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 1986

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 Tues Oct 10.17 Dal hotel 10:07pm
 Slept decent, up ~7, UBER'd early, couldn't find me, hotel guy drove me - cool - $5 tip - , good breakfast - long day of training
videotaped a minute, I thought was not terrible - learning some things - heard my 'um's, hand in pocket, waving glasses around - but not bad - could slow down a bit. Practiced with 2 others, took a few times, and good feedback, and did okay. Gonna be more training to be certified, and maybe train other - LA(?) - folks to train the new Core style. Saw some real obscure complex stuff I did not know (Which I did not like) - by end tired, emotional, slightly overwhelmed - but worked through most - back to hotel briefly - Uber to other hotel, walk to good Argentine dinner - one cocktail which I sipped, that was fine. Small talk, then women got to chatting loud and I manly hung back. Everyone is overworked, I/we are no alone, and other offices have even less capacity, fewer GFX folk, more people to support than SF.
Big fired in norcal, Santa Rosa big news - keeping in touch with Eric.
All good - naturally I'm anxious, no one likes to be judged or hear criticism - but it's an opportunity to learn! It took a while to become a decent trainer - I can do this, and remember the Jail cell - Jan 7.1997 - I was so damned sad, that I would never be a teacher. This is a gift. Work on it. Do not betray my gift, and the loving support from Karen, Gil, Eric and other friends, who were thrilled and impressed that I turned my life around. I'm doing good. Wrestle with my demons. Do not be embarrassed by my emotions. Embrace change, embrace this opportunity. Tracey is a pro trainer - learn from her. Only a fool would walk way from this - 
 - if I want job security, this is it. High value Resource indeed.
 Okay? Okay!
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 Mon Oct 9.17 hotel bed DAL 9:42pm 
 Sun pm Mideast salad/Vietnamese soup - simple pack, clothes mainly, toiletries, shower - feeling good, Slept decent - no doubt helped my mental goodness and beautiful 7mile Reyes stroll (good food, exercise, human contact - goodness) - , up ~5:45 - 10am flight, lv ~6:30 - easy BART, reading Elmore Leonard, always good. Pretty easy getting through security - tho I forgot I was wearing watch! "I don't usually wear it!" Cannabis way illegal in TX, take Advils, CBD candies - arm seems to be feeling better tonight - but not pushing it.
Internet/K IMs & sushi/coffee/raspberry scone at SFO. Easy getting on plane etc - big difference between flying down day of event vs day before. Window closed, music, eye-shades, inflatable pillow the whole way. Found decent earphones in Reyes parking lot - plastic hooks hold buds in ears - used them. SuperCalifragile is eh! but - such a great thing, heartfood.
Dallas airport cabs would not take voucher - hmp! - paid cash - sign in - get room - pay for internet - take first UBER to Dealy Plaza - walk all around, explore, sit, take photos - ice cream cone at museum store - smaller than it looks/feels in photos. Hot! Good weather tho - UBER drivers friendly - prob there an hour? UBER back to hotel. Walk to CVB(?) for phone charger cord - hang in room - IM Lo. downstairs for chicken sandwich/vodka margarita - bill to room. Whatever. Just do it. Keeping all my receipts.
Posted Dealy photos to primary page from secondary page. Showered. Almost 10 - alarm set for 7 - pillow case from home. Big fires around Sonoma/Santa Rosa - Saraj may have lost home?!? Bad smoke in Bay Area.
All good - this is like an all-expense-paid vacation - totally - training, meals, UBERS. Cool. 
Keep head down and do my job. Something good is coming. Something good is here. I miss Gil. Call Stacey soon.
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 Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:10pm
 Left ~10:15 for Reyes - stop in Nicasio to chat w/Mike exchange books - brought food, sushi, sandwiches, apple - 7 mile Divide Meadow to Sky & down Wittenberg - ~6-7 miles - perfect day/weather! Sunny warm, light breeze, late summer beginning of Autumn low shadows - Mom called 1/2 way up hill to say look for park pictures in photo albums she sent - I thought call from Mom might be emergency - no - just her wanting contact - emotional emergency - start calling 2x a week - she says she likes hearing about our childhood memories - think about them for her. She is reaching out. Worried?
 Easy drive home. Good way to spend day.
 Week time-out from facebook a good thing - can't be in touch with people during say, away from laptop. Hmm. Break feels good. Hmm.
 So pack - BART to airport - easy - just clothes, and work laptop. No blogging - unless I email myself stuff.
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 Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:07pm after Reyes walk phone notes:
 "Note to self here is my note to self it feels like a lot of my life has been making up for my past getting the things I didn't happen I was young building up confidence where I have none getting things like friends in a good job in the drive in income just enjoying the things I need join like being I can be nature and bean okay with myself and so I can let go about doing things to make up for past pain doing things out of the century 7 is not working anymore that's what feels to satisfactory just enjoy doing the things I need joy for sure enjoyed it and also take care of business I want to come to my personal jobs ron if you taking care of your friends and family and taking care of your responsibilities sena nothing you decide to do 100 recreation yeah there's no need question I love you"
 "Fort Bragg I eat plants/v v ytt vb v vb gt made from sunshine I have lived in the sun sunshine my whole life the Sun the ocean the air it's tallcv in mvv Grubb tb w e w force e it's up to me to be my own Sunshine the sunsb hamburger b chauvinism vvb vrview. Vb vm . Ru hine that Sparkles and tickles my senses is another thing it's like food feels great but it's all in me also I did not fail to save gills life everybody dies is not a failure its normal Finchvr N tt:cannonball u g I By"
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 Sun Oct 8.17 nm
 Sleep ~10 - up @4:40? dropper of CBD/THC tincture - back till ~7:20 - decent sleep, but maybe some pot grogginess from tincture? Either way, dress, pack food, pbj, apple, salad etc - Pt Reyes - 7 mile? Could. All I got to do tonight is put some clothes in a suitcase. Training stuff, flight/hotel info in bag w/laptop - how to get to SFO? UBER or BART.
 Not very mobile right now - but don't want to sit around in town all day - no - 8:30 now - leave at 9, morning stroll - nice. Could always do Sky trail or even 5 Brooks - decide later. Could do Olampoli, then backroads - always nice - many choices - but a standard 5-7 miles Bear-Sky always beautiful esp this time of year. Tire me out so sleep well tonight. Nice.
 4 easy days in TX - I get hyper/over-stimulated around groups. Try not to draw attention to myself, and don't drink! Deep breath. Step outside for fresh air as necessary. No talking to younger woman flirtatiously/charmingly as if I'm still 30. I'm an old man to them - 63 - old - no sexual interest, no charm - they do not want it. Relax, I'll be fine.
 2 days off all to myself. Like all workers - work hard, rest refresh on weekend, back to work. We working-class types all same, but I work at a good place, friendly, relatively cool bosses, lots of perks, free food & drink, time to do own work on company machinery (scans/video), not to mention people-people clients and lovely views.
 I'm intelligent - but not that sharp, partially because I lack self-confidence, assume I'll have trouble, shut down a bit and learn slowly from within, learn from doing - like they all say they do!. But I do learn, get enjoy done, excel(!). We all learn our own ways, I say that to trainees, say it to myself - fact that I learn my own way does not mean I'm dumb or dull - just means I learn my own way, and am intelligent. Yay. See! I'm smart enough - earn to trust myself.
 It's all good. A great challenge - I learn app, job, also learn to trust, respect, love, enjoy, understand myself more. Do it.
 Now - fresh air and sunshine. Cool!
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 Sat Oct 7.17 home 7:45pm
 After nm, ~noon BB salad in yard - yum! - yeh, perfect life - beautiful weather! Call Mom for ~1hr - IM'ing w/Nur - Bank for quarters, first walk to chocolate gelato cone walking to book store, slice of NY pizza pepperoni/onions/pineapple walking back to car - bank closed 2pm, not 3, on Sat - no quarters. Clean garbage out of Cammie, fill window washer.
 Looks like she needs other fluids replenished - power steering and coolant.
 Sit at home - chill out man, rest the body soul and mind - ~4 nap stick, whap! out for a deep dreaming hour w/door open. Walk to Bowl, stop at dispensary for hi CBD candy & tincture. Is it bullshit, is it placebo? Not sure - but - checking it out.  Dropper full of 3:1 tincture - not feeling a thing. Wake up baby - you're wasting money on a mindfuck. Buy a pretty medallion and meditate on that.
 Chop more off pile of orange-flowered vines on trunk so not on street and won't hit mirrors. Vietnamese soup & bread dinner - yummy! Got salad/sushi/sandwich/apple for Reyes tomorrow - don't *have* to do Reyes - Choice between doing what will leave me rested for trip to Dallas vs. what I love and will take my mind off work and make me feel good. well, do 5 miles, stroll, sit, enjoy. Whatever - 7 if I'm feeling wild! Haven't gone through Dallas stuff - might be leaving that all got the last moment? Sigh.
 Arm pain comes and goes at unusual times - movements - now - shower, high, videos, Duke Nuk'em 3D walkthroughs! Be here now. Kiss the joy as it flies.
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 Sat Oct 7.17 nm 8:45am
 oh yum - I am reminding myself that it has been along two weeks, new AC photos & training, LA VC training, Randy out (and Jeff quit so 3 instead of 5 staff), open 7am every day, not knowing what to expect job-wise, multi-day visio-to-ppt job etc - I am tired - not single mother with 2 jobs tired, - but a bit worn - Dallas next week - that'll be fine, but it'd be ideal to be fresh.
 Sleep ~10 last night - Stilton+bread snack! :-D - woke ~5:30, forced myself to stay in bed regardless - comfy - slept again till ~8am - ~10hrs - a good start. Mind feels better - rested. Easy today - prep Dallas stuff - quarters - bit of yard work - Sun maybe 5-7-mile Reyes - something I enjoy, that's healthy & healing for me. Did Mendo coast & sushi w/Eric last Sun.
 Posted 1st nude polaroid of Jenni to private page - someone finked? Why otherwise do they care about private pages? It's perverse! Blocked for a week - not a big prob except it also blocks Messenger IMs - that *could* be an issue - but! - I only got this phone in what? March? Did w/out IMs before that - I'll be fine.
 Facebook break is good - no pain - no prob. I'm there for the IMs really, yeah. Can't change private page to 'me only'; removing people 1-by-one - but feel okay about it this time - 3-day time-out ~2 weeks ago - thought of ending group hurtful/sad, now maybe had time for it idea to sink in. It was great. Peak experience. Now it's over - so it's okay to let go. I'll still be able to see it and enjoy the threads. A classy end.
 Among other things, it started after Scott died, there was an interest in his friends, collaborators, my photos outside band shots - the Photo Robert mythos: The Nudes - curiosity, of course - lots of people knew I shot nudes (including maybe of band members!?), it was part of Scott/ Davis/ Game Theory history - for some small groups:, Gil, art friends, Scott fans - there was small by significant interest.
 It worked out well for me, to show my best work - 'See? I'm good!' - , them mediocre, then stuff I just like, fills in the cracks, here was my oeuvre, my body of work. And ~250+ people - maybe a hard core of ~150 saw, enjoyed and commented on them. So fucking cool for me. I am fortunate indeed. I found courage to show them, class not to defend them - let them sink or swim on their own - to see value of 'imperfect' work.
 People met - my network, momentarily held together by Scott grief. Then Gil grief - tho I haven't posted much since Jan.
 "I'll be hiding this page probably end of day today - have a last look, download your faves etc etc - it's been a great run, thanks for all the comments etc - as a creative type, this has been a peak experience -"
 
Time to let go and move on.
 New fancy touch-screen laptop for DAL. Visit Dealy Plaza Mon after hotel? With my 17 yrs experience it ought to go fine.
 Thurs After-work Chinatown stroll watching Blue Angel stunts close above - got SF vest, grabbed large, she said, no, extra large. Oh. Small is children, medium slender  adult, large normal adult, ex-large plump adult - that is me - I am not slender. Not obese tub of lard, but big. So okay. Let go. Accept. I walk a lot. Eat pretty healthy (snack, tho). Been having great digestion lately, wonder if bowl of sugar-coated wheat checks & yogurt is helping?
 DJ recording w/Mimi Fox and also working at Unitarian place - busy!
 So - all okay? Harlequin from Mendo working well, should have got more.
 Couple Advil/day (plus CBD candies) seem to be helping left upper arm muscle (?) pain - did some visualization this morning (make pain dark blue and let it sep out, replaced by pink then white); I felt whole body relax as I did this. Last couple weeks had trouble getting arm comfortable in bed, night and morning - that seems to be better, and more mobility, reaching back left in bed to turn off lamp. working on it.
 Okay: Gil dead. Sooz in Oregon. Karen in UK. Less facebook, no phone IM, no private photo page. I've been withdrawn (in pain, sensitive) since Gil died - that has affected Buff/DJ interactions - work on letting go and being more with them - it's more fun for all of us.
 Call Stacey about lunch today? Call Mom.
 Life is good. It's always been understood that all things pass. This, too, will pass.
 All love. Bring all love into me. All peace and headlining. Think positive. Life is good. I am fortunate in so many ways.
 And many people who I think of as friends of sorts - people I would help if they called upon me, who might do same for me - Fred, Dave, Nan, Donnette, Dan, Joe - not proper friends - but shared experiences and maybe good friends in the past.
+++++
 Wed Oct 4.17 laundry 5:45pm
 Next Mon fly to Dallas - food hotels networking learning challenges etc - cool - be happy - this is a good life - it's what I wanted and more - hippie cottage, yard, artsy housemates, friends, health, relationship with Mom etc.
 Reminded Buff/trunk key location is to move Cammie on street-sweeping day.
 Mon did 15 photos welcome flyers, Tues train 15 ACs 9-12 -  I was a tiny bit concerned because they were mainly women, nice looking smart young women - but I forgot all about it once training; think it went well. Tired when I got home - sitting, phone rang, had forgot about Sooz call! haha - drink remaining Brandy - a bit tipsy, talked about lots of stuff. Her upcoming surgery, yard, deaths, suicide, me getting my head around Gil's dying, death, death of retirement fantasy, keeping head down and doing job to keep job. There is no end.
 Getting through jobs, tomorrow/Thurs focus on Dallas prep - bring files - get updated laptop - fancy new one w/touch screen. Uber to SFO - keep track. Keep track of all expenses in organized way. Little black book? How? Clipped together by date?
 Sleeping somewhat better - taking Advil, noticed more flexibility and less pain this morning. Still there, some restricted movement  - left arm can't reach up behind back - les time and mental energy for IM'ing w/K, & L, nor Nur. But hope to get refocused after all this mess and Randy back at work etc.
 K - laundry prob dry - when it gets like this, at work - sometimes it's easy and I can slide through, and sometime it feels like it's my whole life. Okay - but - I hated Big Shot, yet it allowed me to shoot, develop, print my own nudes/art stuff and also band pics, including back cover of BSC etc etc. It worked for me. I didn't hate the work maybe - but did dislike boss - tho others told me there was way worse. Okay okay. Poor bastard. I'm no angel. So much film, polaroid film, scans of Becky naked - Beate, DJ others - made it my own party pad, nighttime drinking, snorting, massaging Becky.
 K - life is good, I'm coming out of my post Gil-death funk - Mendo weekend helped - think of it as therapy, get that hotel, maybe a third day now and then.
+++++
 Mon Oct 2,17 hm 6:45pm
 Sun after Bragg cafe & MacKerricher, gas up, stroll north from lot to headlands, windy but very nice, blue bright ocean a deep green-blue - oh, yeah! - dispensary for Harlequin & other hi-CBD flower/1-10 & 1-1 candies, tho I feel basically nothing from, them - they're magic - placebo - lv town ~2:45, msg Eric, ez drive, SR ~4:45m chat, pizza place on corner we've been wanting to try closed shot down - eh!? - try TV show Guy Fieri (?) - American versions of Asian/Mexican etc foods - big portions, couple mixed drinks - e not into it at first, but relaxed/came around - maybe helped I had resolved some stuff in Mendo, about getting real about "retirement' and death etc. Early 60s existential crisis somewhat resolved in the main.
 I know I'm going to die. We all are.
 I know retirement is not the fantasy lifestyle promised on childhood TV.
 At work, keep head down and do your job. I am not special. I am not owed anything.
 Drive home easy - didn't get to sleep till 10:30 - not much juice, brain half asleep still - quick nap at home, Rockridge my new boring middle class sterile sushi & groceries place - sushi boat $25 & berries from faux upscale corner mart.
 Photos of 15 new hires this morning - no juice during or after - sleep has been spotty, last night was okay - but maybe shoot for 8-9hrs tonight, after shower.
 Tues short hours 'cause Randy gone 2 weeks, 8-11 - I train 9-12. Go in at 8, but could do 7 if I'm inclined to leave early, do laundry, or rest.
 Yeah? Yeah.
 Dishes, shower, bed 8:30 - sleep 9:30 - let's do this.
+++++
 Sun Oct 1.17 Headlands cafe 11am
 No sense trying to recall roaming Mendo day - msg'ing pics to NMM all day, Odd fellows gallery, nice stuff, too windy on coast to hang much, eat & nap in car at main lot, quick visit to north headlands - actually very nice, low tide, beautiful - sunny all day, not overcast as weather page implied, wispy wind blown clouds - art Center on way back, groceries: lunch buffet, Odwalla, sandwich, conditioner, Advil (for arms).
 Bragg, galleries, tattoo museum, hotel - chill 2hrs - head unwinding all day - not bad tho, just tired brain - ~6:30 back to Mendo for 7pm sunset - couple hits of Gil's remaining bud - great stuff, no mental high, but visuals better - simple sunset on south headlands - wander quite a bit, finally make it to good head space, happy, fulfilled, enjoying where and what I am - grateful. Sit in car long time, crossed leg, Mendo dark chocolate bar as evening falls and horizon glows - yes, good, so long as I can feel that good, that much pleasure, then I'm okay.
 Internet till ~10pm, sleep till ? then Snooze, thwacking noise on roof - up~6, snooze/sleep till 8:30 - smoothie, cheese crackers, hotel coffee, shower, pack out ~10.
 MacKerricher - sunny, windy but not bad at all! Lovely. Stroll wood path till end, south to back path through pine grove, double back to coast, north to inner wood path - barefoot -
 - concluded: I am taking wrong message from Gil saying he worked too long - only quit when situation calls for it! Like if you're dying. My job is good and has many benefits - change is good, life is change - challenges are good, keep life from getting stale. New hub-spoke will present a challenge, I will be working with more talented people, but I will have skills and experience above others: training, themes, vid edit, photoshop, etc. It will balance out. This is reality. Vacation is not reality, life decisions should not be based on that experience. Vacation is release from work pressure - release is pleasurable. It's where you're at, not where you are. Thought it all through - choose my battles: I have no fight with work, Taf, Jeff, Iain etc - they are doing their jobs and are gone. Same as Dad No value in re-fighting those old dead fights, beating that dead horse. 1-day LA trips battle was won by me fair and square. Now let go. No one is coming for me. Don't fight. Don't hold onto resentments because I had to fight. Old. Tomorrow is another day. Start anew. Clean slate. Life is hard. There will be fights. After the fight - let go. Randy is an optimist, I am a skeptic, we are both right ~50% of the time. Let it go. Hell is other people.
 Etc.
 Blackbean burrito & coffee at Headlands. Now to Mendo coast, then home.
 Life is good. yes, Say it! Life is good. Death is in it. Death is part of life. I was not here - now for a brief moment I am in this form, molded by this society, they told me what to dream, how to rebel, what arguments to have - let go, break free, use whatever tricks are necessary. Even religion, maintaining my right to healthy skepticism.
 Feeling better - all the parts fit - it's not always easy to let go and not be resentful, but I know it's best when I can.
 Work stuff is not my fault, or my responsibility to fix - do the best I can and keep my head down. This is a great job. 1.5 more years and I can retire, keep my job, and have Medicare. Life moves on.
 Life is change. Get on it.
+++++
 Sat Sept 30.17 Boonville
 Booked room, got Uber, got everything under control - Nomad closed @7:15, coffee/bathroom in Cloverdale, espresso/cinnamon roll in bville, mental state not bad, some unraveling of course, but mainly good perspective - re work: do my job and keep my head down - new organization, centralized hub-spoke, work may get more intense, less direct contact with people I'm doing jobs for (if working for other offices) - may need enhances job skills - will presumably still be doing training, photos, themes - all seems do-able -
 - missing Nomad was good, got out earlier than usual, which is what I really wanted, no traffic, low morning sun - beautiful 128 drive - breathing into it - bringing on serenity - fresh air, sunshine, green and tan rolling hills, tree-shaded smooth roads.
 K in LON under terrible stress, sad about S&G.
 Gils death is existential crisis for me - not only confronted finally by death, seeing it happen, not being able to stop it - throwing money at death is nothing - throwing it at life makes our living moments better, more fulfilling, meals, sushi memories. And his words "I should have quit work earlier." burn, feed resentment. So - Gil's death slap, and - at same time slowly acknowledging that I will work till I die, I will likely not retire, that was a dream sold us to keep us working hard. Then retirement age arrives and boom - we knew it all along - bullshit. They painted a dreamy gray-haired white people in a beach house, and it was an illusion we, I clung to. Here is reality. work till you die or live in poverty of a trailer park.
 Okay. There is not win. Maybe Eric & I can do a thing. Or move back to WV to be near sibs. Might have to do that. Reality.
 10:30 - fucking beautiful day - web said windy, cloudy coast - valley is windy and clear/sunny.
 Thank you Sooz for the car - Ariel? Sooz II?
 Illusions dissolve - but a trip to the coast is worthwhile always, bring food with me to keep expense mainly to coffee, gas, hotel - good.
+++++
 Fri Sep 29.17 hm 7:55m
 7am W-F, not bad, a bit zombified, but getting used to it, and work not too busy. Also, I'm finding getting out, home early has advantages - sushi Wed pm, groceries -
 - checked hotel prices, thought about timing - $115 now - down to $76 later in winter - I get $200+ meals for Eric & I - spend some on myself! Once I booked room I was happy, I want it so bad I could cry - miss my friend: coast, who I am there - happiness, peace, enjoyment. Don't care if it rains and cold - fuck it - Bragg & Mendo, yes. BB for berries, NE clam chowder dinner - mmm.
 Work stuff worked out - over nights if I do LA, VidConf training do-able in a big way - still awaiting feedback -, DAL flight/hotel booked, signed up for UBER tonight - that should make Dallas easier - maybe for SFO? Got info for I need to do before trip - laptop with new app, bring pre-made slides to update - cab voucher. A sense of being myself, standing up for myself, being a cog - sure - but not being pushed around, an important cog, to be respected, not bullied.
 Iain called mtg to discuss upcoming changes - regional north Am network, hub and spoke - interesting! After we chatted about the LA vid conf training, that was a good conversation. Friendly. Good to clear the air.
 Lots of balls in air - now things are done and I feel less afraid, next week before Dallas trip might not be good for overnight Mendo - maybe more Sonoma& Sat sushi w/Eric? Maybe this weekend drive down coast Sun.
 Anyway - I feel good enough - have food - have been getting up early - laundry next week.
 This is a good sign: Mendo, wanting to give myself this gift, perspective on $120, the pleasure and healing I get from it. Oh, baby. Look into some decent indica. Walk around Headlands oh yeah.
 IMd w/K about helping with holiday visit, maybe helping with Xo's plane ticket when TED sends her to Barc. I'm @ 54, so can help, dollar strong so bad imbalance, but what matters matters.
 IMs w/NMM about her new painting, pics of Embarcadero view, drawing.
 Missing Gil - so sad. And still struggling a bit to regain sense of staying put being good - desire to run, to not work forever - yeah - we all get that - and you do your best to make peace with the system, and accept that my situation is still VERY fortunate, with a good job and low rent in the Bay Area - and it could end any time. This breath is all I have - there is no past, and no future - past is a memory, future is a dream - this is good - and that is amazing! Enjoy it now and then. hahahah.
 Okay? Okay.
 Getting UBER is a good sign - that I'm moving forward, and accepting the path I'm on. And pushing back on 1-day Fri training trips says something - not sure exactly what - willingness to stand up for myself because I love and care for myself? And do it professionally.
 Also, missed 2 lunches because of training - claimed CAL missed-lunch OT when I sent in hours, plus some OT. See how they like that. It's the law. Ought to be fine. I've not claimed it as a matter of dept. policy for years.
+++++
 Wed Sep 26.17 nm
 7am to work next couple weeks, no prob - I think next week new hires - today was okay, very slow in morning, and leaving 3:30 cool.
 Bit tuckered, ~6 drive to Rockridge sushi boat - that's gun, like toys in bathtub - $25 sushi, sake - then fancy grocery place: Stilton, crackers, berries, Mex choc bar. During sushi thought part of pleasure of $$ is sharing, I have not been tithing while rebuilding savings post Stacey support and prepping for K house support. But I've given Eric some cash/plus music fest etc. K waiting for move when she may need large infusion.
 Talked to Sooz 2hrs, op, maybe hysterectomy - stressful, month(s) to recuperate.
 My life is good for now - normal work stress does not make my life bad, or any worse than anyone else's. and it's better than most. No whining, No negativity. No self-pity. I have all I need, no bad vices, good job, yard, network of friends. I lost two friends which almost entirely diminishes that music network - Scott and Gil were the heart. As I unfollow so many of that scene, the empty space hurts.
 Don't be surprised about Nan - she disappeared for almost 20yrs!, and only with great effort from me did we reconnect - no surprise that when I stopped giving, I stopped getting. One-way street. Bummer. It was never there.
 Friends make life bearable.
 Chats with Nmm - fun! Artist! Cool! At times close to the edge of flirting, but - I had a moment of clarity - that I need to be cool about it. Don't play games, romantic or otherwise - play it straight. Let any photos or flirting if any evolve organically.
 So, yeah - nice clothes, sushi dinner, nice car - compared to 1997 Siouxie - fancy cheese and organic berries. What  more luxury do I need? Financial security would be nice - who doesn't want that? A little $$ if always desirable. I'm doing okay in my income bracket. Life is change, and broadly speaking change is good.
 Okay - bla bla - all good? Yes. I can do this - 2 weeks early in work days, Dallas in October. Video conferences, overnight trips to LA, lead PPT trainer on West Coast. Cool. I've trained virtually every person in SF. This is wildly better than I'd have guessed or hope for from life. Wallow, enjoy, celebrate - accept that I am a competent adult. And live. Kiss the joy as it flies.
 Shower at night. Lunch early - waiting till 2 for 1/2 price buffet/snacking meantime left me a bit brain dead.
 This weekend - Bragg? Is price low yet?
+++++
 Tue Sep 26.17 nm
 Parri posted a timely article about distancing yourself from stressful events - at a glance: think about how someone else would see it, think about how it will look in the future - I'm making work stress personal as if I am being put upon - 1-day LA trips stared this: I felt we/I were being treated less well than those above - (along with e.g., not being invited to CSS events) -
 Print article, take advice  -pull back, get out of myself and my mind, do job as well as I can, focusing on what do I need to do to look back and feel good about it. Other times work has been stressful, afterward I have been able to look back and say I did well. Same here. There's no dout in my mind I will someday look back at  this time and next few weeks when Randy is gone plus trip to Dallas and training afterward, say yeah, I kicked ass, was well-respected, did a great job and was appreciated for it. Job security.
 I've been pushing back on giving credit card, and yesterday was also feeling like not giving Bank Card - but go ahead and do that - meet them halfway. I do not have an available credit card. I do have a bank card. Go ahead and use it. Fuck it. I hope to be at this job for the next 4-5 years, so do this thing. Yes.
 Trump is such a cunt - but I suppose one must accept the vote etc, white middle America didn't like all those black folks in the White House - so now their time to strut and bray, like libtards did - fair enough - but they're failing to end Obamacare, failing at tax breaks for wealthy etc etc etc - fail fail fail, and internationally Trump is seen as an ignorant half-mad buffoon - so there's that. He couldn't lead the world out of a wet paper bag.
 K - in @7am next two weeks, morning photos and training early next week, then two weeks from now hahahaha - - I go to Dallas while Randy gone - 3 days with just 2 fully trained folks. Cool. If we are all dong the best we can, we'll come out of this smelling like roses.
 Boom :-D. It's called work. we all have to do it. And none of us like it exactly. I like my job and am good at it. So fucking hang onto it.
 These mornings - sitting in cottage this morning > nice things I do for myself without thinking, of course I give myself good things that show self-love and care - rocking chair, with my fruit smoothie, thanks to Karen for inspiration and blender > and these mornings at Nomad - maybe walking'd be healthier(?), but this quiet time with coffee, view of neighborhood Shattuck traffic, familiar counter help > this is healthy, too  mentally and physically, relaxing, time to let mind awaken slowly.. it's good... I cherish these times, those smoothies, my yard - a few minutes even in it - eating, smoothie, the yard work last weekend - yes - plus calls to my Mom, I'm 63, she is what 93? Still mentally good - no more scattered of mind than I am e.g., without say enough sleep. We are lucky to have this time. Making up for decades when I was avoiding Dad's anger, judgment and denial - his mental illness.
 Now is good. I can sometimes let go of all. Generally I am free of the anger from earlier years. Mainly my habits are healthy. I do the best I can.
 Okay - oddly relaxed about today's video conference ppt training - no reason to think it'll go poorly - and actually, I'm excited to try it! Wrote up the agenda, sent handouts, files on LA shared drive - it ought to go well! It's fun to try something new, the same old training year after year is - getting a little stale - harder to get yup my enthusiasm - still, pinch myself > I was overnight in a jail cell, unemployed, marriage failed, no future, nothing, and age 42, nothing to show for it ... I wanted to be a teacher so bad > and now I have this opportunity. Do everything I can to hang onto it. Go ahead and give my cc #. Don't be an asshole. Don't attract negative attention. The nail that stands up gets hammered down.
 It is dog-eat-dog out there - respect myself, don't let myself be bullied, but also don't be foolish for ego's sake. Choose my battles.
 Yeah yeah yah.
 yes. thank you. be good today. always do my best.
+++++
 Mon Sep 25.17 nm
 I note that I'm mentally prepared for work (Ran gone for 2 weeks, Jeff gone - short-staffed) - do the best I can - mistakes will be made, jobs will be pushed back or turned away - I will do my best, and come home, and that's how to be invulnerable. If I'm doing the best I can, then all else that is not my doing falls away, not on my shoulders. That is true of everything.
 K's life upside-down while house sold, looking for new job etc.
 Upper-left arm pain getting a bit worse?
 Not much Sunday - at end of day restless, but made decision not to do Tilden - wanted to rest body: After long IM w/NMM about rope, sex, experiences with ex-lovers, heated up Vietnamese soup ate w/bread - yum!! - called Mom, long talk, Assisted Living etc, Anne's thyroid surgery, Beth's cooking - , yard work, front chopped big orange berry bush, hard trim around sidewalk orange flower pile on stump - it's almost one big rectangle, chopped Buffacados, pulled out tomato/cucumber remains, chopped datura so no window blockage, raked avocado leaves etc - looks better - million dollar house down street, wanna keep our place impeccable - because it says something about occupants, tho Buff&DJ don't seem to believe that, or it's just not on their radar.
 Sat around, internet, ~6:30 Bowl groceries - read Young Lust underground comic collection - that was worth a re-visit - funny wild sexy stuff.
 So really: long interesting NMM chat about sexual/romantic experiences, lunch, Mom, long out-off front yard work, groceries, dishes, cleared out garbage - all in all, the cottage looks better, woke up in it feeling good. Missed a Tilden walk in beautiful time of year, but body needed rest. Emails with Eric about music and Sat sushi. etc. yes. Good day.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sun Sep 24.17 home 12:53pm
 Shared JAA story w/NMM: "back to the rope business - sometimes I wanted to make love to her body - she got restless and wanted to be doing things to me at the same time - sometimes I would tie her hands above her head, so she had to lay back and enjoy - and I could entirely focus on what I was enjoying"
 Beautiful late summer day - want to get out to gardening - first:
 Fri setting up hotel and such for Dallas trip - sold out! Hahah - whatever can go wrong will - no problem - I am competent, in end it will all work out.
 Sat slept pretty well - it helps that things like hotel & flight, taxi vouchers, and trips to LA are being taken care of - lessens anxiety - tho there's still some morning "Agh! What if this or that!" But it will be okay. I am competent, and will learn by doing, and in the end it'll be considered a success by all. First Toolbox training via vid conf Tues afternoon - ready for that.
 Sat up early'ish with plans for sushi w/Eric ~4 - weary of mind, but body pretty rested - to avoid heavy afternoon traffic, lv town 9:10am, w/clothes, laptop, pbj - easy drive, beautiful morning - mind playing old loops, esp about bullying (Taf & such) - I have bullying issues - 
 Breakfast burrito & coffee/laptop @Gville - nice - coast perfect - sunny & mild - Goat Rock turnoff, 1st parking lot, up hill & down to coast, past rock formations - wearing Mexican sandals, sort of loose, one blister, not bad - pics to NMM & Lo. ~1.5 miles south to end of wooden walkways - excellent - stop at & walk labyrinth, take pics of offerings, video for Xo.
 Time it perfectly - IM Eric about timing, stop in Gville for espresso - nice - life is good - easy drive to SR, chill for 20mins at his place, to Osake, yum! great sushi as always, cedar sake, Kobe beef - ~$250 - we like it expensive. Good food is where we splurge. Even Gville music fest revolves around good meals together.
 Easy drive home - physically good and rested - mentally a bit tired, but that's okay.
 Sleep till 6, snooze deep till ~9 - Nomad - long IM w/N about some pics I sent (Frida porn tied up), talking about various rope play - Shibari, heavy vs. light, pain vs. pleasure - managed language barriers - brought up JAA, how she was my first real love so we experimented with many sexual things because we trusted each other: rope, anal, French ticklers, exhibitionism - but after her I realized I think I didn't do rope any more. Discussed JAA a bit - her Jap-Mex heritage and shared film stills, explaining she looks so different now, and the pic is not very revealing, otherwise I would not share out of privacy concerns.
 At my gentle request, he told me long tale about recent lover who was very selfish, again managing language barriers, and frank intimacies about what he would and would not do. But glad we are at that point she is comfortable sharing, and I am not all about titillation. Letting it evolve organically.  Be cautious about her privacy here.
 Now home - $M+ house down street - this is a desirable neighborhood - pressure to keep house/yard beautiful/tidy so as not to attract negative attention. Amd call Mom.

+++++
 Thu Sep 21.17nm
 Gonna be a busy 2 weeks (starting next week) at wk w/Randy out on vacation, trainings, etc, followed hard upon by 3 days in Dallas for updated app/styles. Whatever - let go - not so much work stuff here - more life - work is probably not interesting long-term. Did get word from R that overnight trips to LA are okayed, expenses set aside - bring in temp - no one available, too bad. Presumably word got through to B that they were indeed treating me differently, burning me out and that could not be justified. Okay - so, good.
 Common sense kicked in.
 Cooling off, dark at 8 - groceries after work - kind of nice. Still restless sleep - what can I do - a lot is work-related:
 1-day LA trip apparently being resolved (tho of course, as I suspected, no one told us/me): Good
 Dallas hotel & plane ought to be worked out by EOD today - make 100% certain it is paid for in advance,
 Get driver app on my phone for trip to airport and back. Find out how to do billing.
 Look at pages from Tracey N about upcoming changes to app & style - I have no grasp of it - get that clear in my head will also help.
 Then relax - I can do it - I have done it! I know how. Training is my job, makes me highly valuable so job is secure. Takes me out of daily production work. LA peeps shared some mildly negative feedback from about July training - unstructured/not enough charts - I did not do that training.
 Haha - all about work still - but good - ways to put it on back bench, not front row -
 K may lose one of her 2 jobs, also have to move - maybe E has to take X fulltime. Yikes.
 S went in for bits surgery Wed  - she was angry/worried - I told her everything would be okay, maybe she was crying, I had too much brandy/ somewhat hungover yesterday.
 Some confusion about WV/Mom/Assisted Living - Shirley/Anne/Mary planned visit for Mary without telling Mom? WTF? Also won't inform us of details. Leave it be. I stated my position in shared emails - Joan agreed, and Beth - feels like a division in the ranks: Mary/Anne/Shirley vs. Beth/Me/Joan - don't know Tom's position. Well, that's all I know. I stand ready to help. Nothing else matters.
 Good mornings to Nu - sharing this and that - shared my early pornographic Fridas with her. She sent detailed macros of her nude self-portrait rained-on large painting.
 If my friends prosper I am envious - but not really - if they suffer I feel insecure. Pay more attention to my own life and well-being.
 Respect myself and don't let myself be bullied.
 Near end of E Leonard's Glitz - great fun as always, you can count on this guy to be great.
 Don't worry - be happy - take care of business - procrastinating, avoidance only caused anxiety - get on it - breath, love, be positive. Wank, shower, eat, sleep, enjoy entertainment, avoid politics. Avoid over-thinking about work. That job is mine for as long as I want it. I chose it, I want it, just do it and live live live.
+++++
 Wed Sep 20.17 nm
 Sooz going in for maybe surgery today - keep her in prayers - 2hr phone last night, I finished most of flask of brandy - tipsy - lots of water, one Advil, no food, sleep ~11:30? Many x up to pee, drink water - seem to be okay. Looked into DAL hotel yesterday, arrangements with DAL for office visit form etc, today set up flight - WL has to pay for them in advance. Hold fast. They do it or I don't have to go. They do not respond to emails etc. WTF?
 All the big stress about no ! day LA trips - because - saying no means jostling massive efforts I've made to be indispensable - it's risking a lot - my truest wish I suppose to to keep this job forever. Financial "security", status, way to fill time, define myself, etc.
 Anyway - R will be gone for ~10 days? That week will be tough, but just say 'I'm basically alone this week, go in at 8' - do not freak out. Be friendly sympathetic clear and firm. Make them feel good about being turned down. Hahahahah.
 K may lose job & house. Sooz in surgery. NMM sending paintings - Tues I shared some early sexual Fridas no one else has seen (cunnilingus, bondage, anal), explaining that while looking for Frida pics for Montages, I read many articles and came to a new understanding, admiration and respect, and did more serious montages.
+++++
 Tues Sep 19.17 nm
 Mellowing out at work - abbreviated hours while R & I out in Oct - general understanding that I will not be doing 1-day Fri trips, video conf training is option, it's resolved as it's ever gonna be. So I can relax. Cool. My internal fight is played out, whatever that was about. No word back from WL HR, but ball is solidly in their court. Anything else comes up, it's their baby.
 Posting nudes to private page - no hassle/time-outs yet - must've been that HS girl I added without asking - so my fault.
 Some people never grow up - what does that mean? A character in E Leonard's Glitz - you don't have to have a family to grow up - but maybe it means buckling down and acknowledging areas where steps can be taken towards full responsibility for myself/my life - some things can't be taken care of - unpredictables - health - but no I'm insured and all, and have worked hard to make myself high-value and indispensible at work. Could work harder on family - but - family is tough for everyone. I'm fine.
 Daddy issues at work - yes, job/system is Daddy - but it's a machine, we are all in, so don't take nothing personal - self employed you're your own daddy, own boss, I hear it's extra hard. Welcome to the machine. Leave personal issues at door.
 Cool blue mildly melancholy end of summer days, dark before 8pm, overcast - lovely tho.
 Bed late, up early > shower smoothie - call Sooz tonight.
 Life is good, Yes, Thank you. Good. Today will be good. Be good today.
+++++
 Mon Sep 18.17 nm
 This is my life, sitting at Nomad w/Cappuccino, after shower/smoothie, yard check - chilling, checking fb - no more writing about work unless it is something new. Let work take care of work. Leave it at work. Let go - work at it - let go every day all the time.
 Sat mideast salad in backyard, called Mom, IM w/K & NMM, laundry, Rockridge sushi boat dinner, BB groceries.
 Sun didn't sleep well, tense, restless mind - stayed in bed till ~9, pbj/salad - head for Reyes > Nicasio > box of CDs for Mike to look through before book shelf > Pt Reyes Station for sandwich/coffee drink/apple > use park restroom (digestion discomfort lately, good to get that done) > Meadow trail to Wittenberg - took side trail through field, lovely views of Drake's Bay > perfect weather, late summer hot sun cool breezes sun just beginning to get lower > sat, meditated looking at Drake's, stretched left arm w/pinched nerve (?), rested in grove > easy walk, beautiful day - mind working overtime about work - slowly getting a grasp of how much it is about me, pushing back, fighting, wanting to win, insisting on being respected > on the 'rightness' of my position.
 Reciting serenity prayer > I can't change the system > I can change my perceptive and attitude, watch out after my own health > considered "I care for you" diety at work but maybe I am my own, caring for myself - stretching my arm, thinking healthy positive affirmations > last night & this morning massaging soothing balm into top left arm pain point > might be helping?
 Upcoming Dallas training will be fun. I will do my bit well. Imperfect at first > better with experience. It is not my whole life > when I leave it is my life. Enjoy. :-)
 I thought, yesterday, while stressing, at Nicasio: I am headed to Reyes, just dropped CDs off with Nicasio person, IM'ing with K (photos from rock show), and NMM (detailed discussion erotic book plate I shared, one of who's bodies looks like hers). How cottage w/Buff & DJ keeps us in contact with K > how it's all good and interconnected. Don't worry. Be happy.
 Breath. Heal myself. Be good to myself. Don't worry about future or past > if I'm doing well right now, then life is good. Kiss joy as it flies.
 Sexy IMs w/L in evening.
 work stress is real - maybe valiums from doc for Dallas trip, to help me sleep?
 Life is good - I am healthy, sane, energetic > 5 miles up Wittenberg yest, plus sitting meditation, laying in grove, brought good food with me, properly dressed and prepared. And schedule was flexible - got there ~1? Didn't even check time. This tells me things are going well, and many problems I think I'm facing are in my mind. Iain is another cog in machine, doing his job, I am doing mine, ino right nor wrong, no moral issues, no abuse > just me saying
 'Hey! This part is about to break, ease a bit! Here's an alternative solution. That's my job - to inform them. I have done my job. Now up to them. Don't prepare to argue any more > I am over-prepared and upsetting myself for nothing. There's no gain, no benefit in upsetting myself anymore. Let's see what they do.
 Yes. Breath deep. I am loved and cared for. Losing Gil & Sooz moving away is a hard loss, and I feel more vulnerable and lonely - but there is still much good in my life. Stacey and Gil's family's pain is way worse, just for perspective. Don't overplay my hand in my own head. My life is good.
 Yes. Good. Be good today.

+++++
 Sat Sep 16.17 nm
 Wk early & alone Wed/Thur w/both R&afternoon guy out  (sick Dad/headache respectively) - tiring, stressful, got it all done. Reminds me I am not only one with problems - plus just had 4-day relaxing weekend w/Eric, so had energy. OT, too - we are no longer struggling to keep it to 8hrs/day - let it pile up - that will help w/moral and balance lack of raises - talk to WL HR if there's a prob. Also, WL/HR guy said they'll take care of Oct Dallas flight/hotel - that's also a relief. Sigh. I can do it - job and WC training - always remember to love/take good care of my health, even if it means pushing back against being asked to do too much. Protecting myself from burn-out comes first.
 ~9hrs sleep - feeling okay.
 This week was all about work - work, eat, shower, shit, sleep. No plans this weekend - rest the head, go through work CDs, match CDs to cases, leave at Nicasio, laundry, groceries, tidy cottage, the usual. Yard could use a few hours trimming. I've been neglecting - B/DJ doing some. Been worrying about future - recent grief-related body aches make me think about health, aging, and stress about no 1-day trips to LA pitting me against two large companies, reminds me of my vulnerability - my usual focus is on my strengths and how doing my job well gives me a lot of freedom of movement etc at work - but lately it's all negative because I've said no to this one thing to preserve my health. Not a good feeling. Do not get angry. Do not get emotional. Leave anger and outrage out of it. They are not Daddy, and this is not a Daddy issue - it's a health issue plain and simple - I can't do what they ask without burning myself out, leaving me unable to perform my other tasks effectively. Offer solutions; compromise - don't overstate, or express moral outrage - I will get no sympathy or positive response because everyone is asked/forced to exhaust themselves for greater good of company/co-workers - but don't compromise my health. Period. There. Good.
 Keep these points in mind for work.
 Dallas doesn't seem so bad - fly down Mon - sleep - 2.5 days training - OT feels okay - doing an LA video conf training later this month - if it works well may resolve 1-day LA trips. For all I know they've already decided to go for that ,and not told me. Leave it alone, Ball's in their court. Leave it there. My life is in my court - live it, deal with it, call Mom, Skype w/Karen - focus on my life - not issues best left for work to figure out.
 Oh yeah.
 I am feeling unsettled, disconnected from my life - too much time stressing about work, unknowable, things I can't control, new thoughts based on experiencing death of best friends. Ruins my Joie de vivre. It's okay - it is okay - I'll settle down - my life is good. Enjoy it.
 Yes. Good. Be good today. This will be a good day.
+++++
 Wed Sep 13.17 nm
 Stressed and unhappy about work - I want to get in an easy groove, but Taf & Jeff quitting, big upcoming training, and as yet unresolved LA trips stressing me out - that's life, everyone is working extra hard and not getting raises. So I'm 63, so I slow down - I can find ways to make it work. Have fun in Dallas. Breath in confidence and strength, breath out fear.
 Randy emailed last night, saw it this morning, Dad not well, not in today - I did not hop up and run in - no - I need, in spite of everything, to take care of myself - it's not as if B&WL have shown appreciation or returned loyalty I've shown.
 R not in Mon before Tues DAL trip - so I might open at 7, lv ~noon, flight @ 4? arrive 7 - hotel by 9. Might work. But Jesus - long day.
 Was gonna book flight today, but need R's support - sigh. Shit.
 Mexican sandal down leg shot from N.
 Okay - 8am - showered & breakfasted. 2hr call w/S last night.
 Boy - my work attitude is terrible - overworked, underpaid, underappreciated - okay - that's life in big capitalist city - but lack of control of LA trips despite everyone recognizing how exhausting they are, available options, compromises, all to save company a couple hundred bucks on my back, is demoralizing. Fuck it.
 1979 Berkeley by Hope

+++++
 "yes I like your body I would like to see more of it and I would like to see the painting"
+++++
 Mon Sep 11.17 7:30 hm
 Easy driving to/fro, no big names we care about at Jazz/Blues, perfect weather - didn't drunk much, danced a little, blonde wailer n a tight red dress Beth Hart and her rockabilly guitarist were fun - shared couple joints with individual, started up a couple in river - different now that it's legal, I got a mild fun buzz, E got a bit drunk Sun afternoon - hung out, evenings watched Deadwood episodes, sushi breaks, Mexican dinners, smoothie breakfasts, more from lobby - medicinal sleepy pot, good digestion, fair sleep - Fri we brought work stress with us, bled into Sat, by Sunday feeling pretty good, Mon morning real nice - yes - it only lacked a band to get excited about, something we have history with, or can say "We saw so-and-so!"; in every meaningful way it was great - long weekend in river valley, eating, drinking, wandering, sitting in cottage lazy-boys, redwood grove porch view - oh my -  doing as we pleased - Mexican clothes vendors I got pants/shirt from at Accordion fest there, got another shirt/comfy shoes. Couple beers both days - no prob - sipping the beer and eating food took care of it.
 Brought pillow and quilt, food - IMs/photos with several people - L, N, K - N sent requested back pic - language barrier hazard, subtleties lost - we both said, should not be be so afraid of discomfort. Ask for what we want, say what we like, cards fall where they will. We are having fun, best is to let it flow - there's no tomorrow - it may hurt, we may be confused - dark flat pic of back - thank you, she says don't have to say thank you - she does it for her - makes sense.
 Knees were bothering me this week, worried about twisting, Eric suggesting supplement sposed to be good for joints - instant placebo effect - fuck - this worries me a little - what am I missing? Am I acting out in ways I do not recognize?
 Bain & WL do not care at all about my health - saving couple hundred bucks outweighs everything else, my health, my comfort - they will look at my value and realize it's worth keeping me, and work things out so I'm comfortable. End of story. It's all cool - getting upset about their lack of concern for my health will drive me nuts - "Forget it, Jake. It's Capitalism!" Don't take it personally - it's not personal to them, at all! Strictly business.
 Good relaxation - self indulgence - showed up early, cottage ready @1pm - lovely drive home down coast - whales - flukes! feeding! Orcas! What a trip and treat. Beautiful afternoon - not too hot, sunny and slight breeze, no to light traffic.
 Brandy in flask, sipped now and then just for fun - didn't feel it much, dumped last few snorts into grass front of cottage.
 This psychological pain business - what's best approach, understanding - utilize, with prayer, affirmations etc - without getting stupid.
 Packing for fest went well - all unpacked now - Bowl for groceries - Stilton cheese snack, gave big slab to Buff/DJ, snacked on some w/crackers. Soup / bread dinner? Cool.
+++++
 Fri Sep 8.17 nm
 In/out early all week, for new hire morning training/photos - missed Sooz call Thu night - focused on taking it easy, not draining myself before music fest weekend, so feeling pretty well-rested - slept ~10:30-7:30am -. LA requested video conference training end-of-Sep, so that's positive - emailed WL HR Fri asking when is discussion with WL admin about job description?; LA vid conf may render that unnecessary(?); best be settled/finalized - don't want 1-day LA trips coming up again. Good to have that all settled/pressure off me. Still, I made a decision, approached it professionally, stated my position logically/coherently, stood my ground - I win. well done. Stressful, uncomfortable - that's part of process, tests seriousness/integrity of the position.
 I win. Interesting experience. Learning.
 Doing pretty well about letting go - mentally - chill-out - almost 5 days off - needed and good timing - not bringing any work bullshit with me. WL messing up my paychecks, got that settled - can start punching in-and-out more randomly, get a little OT in there - cool!
 Let go of NMM this weekend - this is about me, Eric, river valley, people at fest. I don't really want to engage w/N that way anyway I think. Photo tease was confusing us - okay trade-off? Pics, flattery, excitement in exchange for emotional confusion? Well, yes - when it caught us unawares - but I think we would not consciously choose it; anyway, now we understand what happened, it can't happen again, because no spontaneity. If we chose to do it, then it's a relationship. Maybe. The part of my humanity that wants not to be alone, a companion, etc, is in pain reminded by this unexpected contact and arousal, juices flowing. Give it even more time. It hurts. I keep wanting to ask for something which is not what I want - I want to ask for photos, when what I want is the person. A gift of photos I tell myself will ease the pain - but that's not so - as pain goes, this is hardly worth the name - but it's sad. I'm sad.
 Okay. Sadness - only my share. Let's not dwell or make too much of it.
 Clear my mind. All is well.
 8:50am - home now, smoothie, pack, shower - leave ~11am? Nice. Looking forward to it. Lucky, healthy, happy, not being in a relationship allows me much freedom, hanging with a friend for 3 days. I am a lucky bastard, have worked hard for what I have, admitted my weaknesses, made amends for my thoughtlessness and cruelty, admitted my anger, grievance, resentments. Tried my best. Been given the gift of loving humans unreserved. Fortunate.
 Be here now.
 Yes! Good! Today will be a great day! Looking forward to this fest all year, is almost better than the event itself. Keeps a still center of joy in my heart.
 $500 from bank yesterday - took Rockridge BART home, coffee on sidewalk table, cheese, prosciutto from market, sushi boat/sake - stroll home. Dig it. Sit at corner College / Alcatraz, I always remember blonde sexy-smile art girl photos, in small white room, with extreme direct sunlight, too embarrassed  / shamed at my arousal to take erotic photos - well I did some, but did not address it directly, then she took b&w negs - which, okay - because they weren't that good.
 Pot, 1/2 painkiller, MBV Loveless, light show, Duke Nuken walkthroughs, tootsie pops, made for a very relaxing evening. :-)
 Ordered Peter Cushing autobio from Amazon.
+++++
 Tues Sep 5.17 hm 7:20pm
 Back on fb - gonna keep private photo group but not post nudes - or only post censored versions? Lay low. Members said nice things, made me feel good about my little group. Friendly vibe, models in group willing to acknowledge themselves in photos means a lot to me, people meet, Australian rocker likes Colleen photo, asks directly for permission to use on CD, artists I've met through Frida pic learn more about who I am. It's high value. I dig it. Shelley Barn ette sees her pic on '77 hillside, gets attention for her youthful flowering, sees where it fits in my art, and in our lives/shared experience. Some models get positive attention anonymously. This is all seriously cool stuff. No just me getting shame-free validation & attention for my efforts, but a small community of sorts. I'm not a great artist, but there's some talent, beauty, and visible struggle to do something fine. So leave it up, and post non-nudes.
 Download fb site today, in case.
 8-4:30 Tue-Thu: Whole day taking/formatting/uploading photos, welcome flyers, then updating hand-outs, printing for 26 people. Many - most? - have been at B before. Forget that - it's just a job, do my best, leave out some extras & ppt etc., focus on tables/charts. Then another training w/smaller group Thurs am.
 Then long weekend in cabin, porch, redwoods, meals, chill out, music, river - yes - cool.
+++++
 Mon Sep 4.17 II home 8:15pm
 Shower, pack, call Mom ~10:30 - lv ~11:10 - almost empty tank, filler up - easy traffic to Pt Reyes; salmon sushi while driving, when parked mideast salad/water, feel too full - yucky - decide feel too yucky for 5miles hike, hang in Ranger center, walk short earthquake trail, Pt Reyes Station ~1? Book store, wander, grocery store for berries, start to rain (!?!), after 100degree everyone is like WTF? IM w/K about E's demands, J/lice/shaved head, etc. Send photos to K, NMM, Eric -
 Feeling crummy all day - just, not happy - not bad bad - a lot of it I think is anticipating pressure to do 1-day LA trips. Nicasio ~3:30, good seat 2nd row left center, Sons of Champlin - he looks kind of bad, but music is greater/cheers me up, 3 Juicy Lucy's throughout day, chicken BBQ, give 1/2 away to guy sitting nearby 'cause I'm full - glad he accepts. Happy 6-s peace and love music - and they are so good! Damn.
 Easy drive home, Derek Dominoes - last summer BBQ of 2017 - 3-day week - 3 nights/days in Guerneville cabin for music fest. End of summer blues? But low on horizon warm light lovely. Thank you Sooz for the great life-changing car.
 It's fun after years of exploring, driving around, hanging here and there, spontaneous wandering.
 Back on facebook ~5am - then what?
 Some sad weepiness - I think it's about Gil. Life seeming a pointless repetition and all. I think I'm depressed.
+++++
 Mon Sep 4.17 nm
 Feeling awfully victim-y - partially being at 63 learning awful truth: we don't get to retire - ever - we work work work till we die - simple- ; we do more work without raises - we're all in same boat - so don't embarrass myself and irritate people by crying about my poor ass.
 I work harder than I need to - so I have control there. Relax. Show up - do my job - go home and relax, enjoy my cottage, friends, food, health. I need to keep telling myself this. I'm gold. Relax at work. Boy, but that thought, anxiousness comes on - I have been trained all my life to work hard. Okay - so work hard - but not to prove a anything to myself  - there's nothing to prove - if I work hard let it be because I enjoy challenge.
 Hot again today - up till midnight, probably woke ~4 and snooze/flopped till ~8. Ice cubes in my smoothie -
 - Fb responded to my protest - my impression is fb will not come searching if no one complains. If I post no more nudes probably be okay. Still - post an announcement, start removing more revealing shots, remove some recently added high school people, ask anyone who might be offended to please leave group. But! - point of group was safe place for nudes - if they are all removed, might as well make it public? Hmm.
 9:20 - shower, BB will be closed - get more smoothie fixings Tues after wk.
 A bit weary - but Mideast salad etc - easy 5mile Bear Valley/Wittenberg/PBJ - same as last week - could be good - fresh air/exercise always good.
 Re-read an IM to Matthew Davis (Mass GT friend) about Gil's death - man, I was a mess. I knew I was knocked down, but maybe having months to prepare, months of fucked-upness about it - when I was even further down, did not realize where I was at. Owch. Thank you, Karen, for pointing out that even so, I was also supporting her, Sooz, Stacey - helping others helped me by taking my mind off my own misery.
 Feeling a little lost - loss of Facebook community? Daily likes and all. Remember, this is intentional - cutting loose - only keeping those that are real. More to life than Facebook "friends", politics, and new technologies (phone).
 K - home - shower - call Mom? - lv ~11 for Reyes.
+++++
 Sun Sep 3.17 home 7pm
 Huh - few small swallows of brandy from flask - soon after motivation fled - ~2 deep nap, bad hot air? listened to body, wake ~3, wank, reheated beef/bean soup - Telegraph for mocha frap - People's Park yuchh - stroll up Telegraph, through campus, loop west & back through Sather Gate - pics to K & NMM -
 - Student Union stairs catch my attention - how similar campus looks - sit, sifting through memories for specifics, then realize date - Sep 3 - 44th anniversary of leaving home - Sept 3, 1973, Sept 3rd month of Summer - I remember 3s. 9th month (3x3), I was 19. Lots of time of those stairs. Met Shelley B on those stairs. Sitting there, or walking/driving past Church on Haste used to fill me with emotion - now, just - huh - there - yes - I survived - deeper feelings than I realize - different type of reaction as I age, less excitable - but it mailed me there for a while - part of my life history. Deep connection to that spot. My spot.
 IM'd Lo, Parri & K. Would have told Gil.
 Back down Telegraph, Japanese $1.50 shop: bottle brush, aloe container, car sunshade snacks -, take pics of Mediterranean & Moe's, send to Parri - she bummed their closed. BB for salad, soup for tomorrow's hike - hoping to do 7mile before Sons of Champlin BBQ. Me and my 60s stuff. Well, it was one of the major cultural events of the century and of my generation - natural that I and many others tried to hitch a ride. I am what I am. Despising myself, comparing myself negatively to others, is a loss of energy - I did best I could, so I won. Thought of that on campus stairs today - I did it, I came out, stayed, had no choice, had heard that after 1-year residence one could got to school for free (thanks Ted white), I just got under line before Prop 13 killed that. Almost everything grows out of that: Eric, Scott, Gil, Karen, Xo, Buff/DJ, job, marriage, cottage, Suzanne, car. Fuck. If I wanna look at it that way - it worked. I came out, went to school; my life is built around those experiences: networks, connections. Fuck me. Won.
 Cool. Good. Life is a gas.
 People who seemed to have more charm, natural abilities for survival - seemed - seemed - what did I know? I was envious of anyone who had a clue. I had no clue. Who knows their reality. I got lucky. Got by with a lot of persistence (which was, as Alex Chilton said, simply not knowing what else to do) and a little help from my friends.
 Enjoy it while I got it. This is good. Happy & healthy. No complaints. Right? Right. I die tomorrow. Don't matter, I have this now.
 44th anniversary of leaving home. Visited Student Union stairs. Shared Telegraph pics with a friend from those years. Life.
+++++
 Sun Sep 3.17 nm
 I have already won.
 Hmm - seem to have slept well last night: bed towel a bit flipped, not spun into a sweaty snake to one side. Clean bed clothes/late night shower always a good thing. Laundry, groceries, even quarters - it pleases me to have a jar of $170 in quarters. Tom's black ceramic jar full of quarters, Mary's inlaid Russian wood cup dinosaur balls etc. I keep gifts from Mary & Tom close - I *have* gifts from Mary & Tom. Think it over.
 Quiet on fb this morning - what is life without facebook? Not posting every day or so for attention - not having to decide on new cover photo, or entertaining post. Clear view. Of the morning.
 Up ~7:30, comfy - smoothie in balmy backyard, sunlight comes through warms west view flora - peaceful - breath into my anxieties - some may be, what with Gil dying, feeling myself moving into concerns about old-age, unemployment, loss of health. I breathed confidence into areas of fear. Next week trainings - always bit of stress - that's normal and okay. 25+ people for 3.5hrs on Wed - get it done, do hard work, skip Frida stuff/Design, dig into ppt/company app. Less fun and self-indulgence, more giving them what they need.
 Still collecting sub pics of LR; no response to IMs. Breath in. Breath out.
 At work: stop worrying, enjoy, don't be afraid, focus on positive - people who enjoy and admire me, perks, view, free food and coffee - breath in confidence; worrying/nervousness accomplish nothing; don't work so hard! They can't take my savings, turn my friends against me, kick me out of my cottage, take my car, take away my serenity/self confidence, take away my mind or history - they can't touch me. They can fire me - that's it. Their only power. That power has to overcome my power:  17yrs experience, lead west coast trainer, high-value reputation with all the right people. Fair fight. Fuck'em. Yayyy Robert! It's between WL & B now - let them work it out.
 Bosses - necessary evil.
 One day without facebook - no difference except maybe a more open mind free time unstructured no-focus on what to post. This is good. But save photo group. Make it me only - take out all nudes - re-open. No problem.
 I - I - I - flap - flap - flap. Flapping a little - way past worst of it: last week's making it personal, putting myself in position of bullied at work. I can choose my battles. No battle here. There is no battle here. There is just: I'm exhausted/burning out, it's about to get worse, so I am doing right thing, bringing it to HR's attention, in a professional, positive, problem-solving manner. Total win for everyone. I've learned how to do it. Cool.
 My battle was with myself - if and how to say 'no' - courage to stand and speak-up for myself - who to talk to. I wanted to fight it out myself, but there was no one to fight - no visible opponent - too many choices. How do I win? So I was thrashing about in my mind, fighting myself. Sent note and info to I @B, cc'd Tracey in TOR, WL HR folks. Now they have all seen what's up, including fact that I went to doctor about burn-out. Let them talk it out and decide if it's worth accommodating my health concerns.
 I have already won.
 Working at Bain has been an amazing learning positive experience - so lucky to work in that friendly exciting environment. Current issue with over-work/burn-out ought not to threaten my position. Ought to provoke thinking, review, forward-thinking solutions that work for everyone.
 Soon this will be resolved, and I wonder if all this writing about it will look boring in the future? Point is it helps me to write it out. So - boom.
 Gonna be a hot one - do Bear Valley tomorrow before Sons BBQ. Today... ? Olampoli? Tilden? 9am - now what?
 Sat pm, man - memory foggy - heat frying my brain - after laundry, hankering for fried rice meal, WF for hot bar - eat chicken rice veggies on patio - Buff & DJ in backyard at home, Buff friendly as always - I am withdrawn - work on reaching out from behind wall of Gil Death Hurt. Oh, haha - got a $10 bottle of Christian Brothers brandy, filled flask (from Oregon vacation), had one sip. Just - a thing I want to experience - a flask, a sip. Careful.
 I have already won.
+++++
 Sat Sep 2.17 nm
 I dunno - and Randy at work doesn't seem worried about LA trips - but he's been wrong about other stuff, assuming Bain would take care of our Dallas flights etc. Trust my instincts, but relax and love life.
 Was feeling empty and bad this morning - partially heat and dehydration, sleep lack - and NMM i a flirtation making me miss a relationship. It's like a sickness. It's going like I want - nudes if they fit as part of online friendship, not forced or even requested, unless time feels right.
 Drive to bank for $200 quarters - fucking HOT! - 100+ - dry, smoggy, smoke from fires - Telegraph, mochas frap from Peets, book store where Cody's used to be, couch, re-read photo book of Casablanca - weepy - "No one ever loved me that much." waillll weep weep weep - hahaha - Amoeba records - considered a $130 re-issue of Sgt Pepper with how we did it CDs, movies and bog fat book by Paul McCartney. Then forgot about it - but would be $350 worth of fun.
 At book store, thought, felt alone, also that that was okay - I should be feeling alone! Gil & Sooz are gone, loss of Scott connections leave me more isolated, and I've chosen that. Chose to move on and let go of the music scene that never was all I made of it,  but served a purpose to avoid despair. Real part: photos, tours, lights, roadie'ing, occasional companions, prestige, cool'ness, sex, drugs, names to drop, leather jacket etc fed the youthful hedonist gang network needs. Met Karen and all that implies. See. Some of it is real. But it is now, not then.
 So it's okay to feel alone, unsatisfied, not need 70s-870s music long hair blue jeans bohemian lifestyle now. Deal with it.
 Loneliness might be scary - but it's honest - maybe will lead to real movement and decisions - living on illusion and dreams will not get me far.
 On way home groceries, IM w/K, asked Eric to post note on my page about 3 day time out, check in with Bobby who's bro got killed and she is suffering, thanked XO for UK candy. Sushi box lunch, ~5:30 smoothie and laundry. Cool. Get things done. Feeling better. sweating like crazy. Lots of water please - I'm slugging it down/hardly peeing at all. No facebook is no problem.
 I'm in control. Cool.
+++++
 Sat Sep 2.17 nm
 Lordy - a bit hot - 100+ yesterday, woke ~4am, checked fb, 3-day facebook time-out, someone either accidentally, or a new person I added who didn't like nudes (if so, my bad, should have asked, but no way to know) complained about Britney's nudes on private members-only fb group. I've pushed back, it being a private group, but rules seem to say no nudity anywhere, even in private group. No prob - no need to fb this weekend (unlike say when Gil was sick), I can still IM, all my 'best' photos I wanted people to see have been up now for years - so mission accomplished - and a fb break can only be good. Let go.
 Got into bad mood Fri - and last night - heat and dehydration -
 No plans Sat-Sun - quarters from bank - groceries - too hot for Tilden? Later afternoon maybe? Gah.
 IMd w/NMM - through some discomfort - sexy photos, do they turn me on - joke question, but I answered, nt used to come. Isador Duncan & Rodin. Fun stuff.
 Better to hang onto phony 'friends' and scene, or dump, prepare for reality, give real friends quality attention, honest, trusting version of Robert we all deserve. Questions answers itself. I do not know Steve Wynn, CVB, etc - Jonathan a little - very little - shared grief - yeah - move on from past, stop following Dream Syndicate, CVB etc. They are not my scene, nor my taste in music - don't be bitter, it all serves a purpose - no need to be angry, cut them of - just, be real. Scott is dead. There's no more need for my Scott photos - they should go to Kristine. Davis bands - sure, some fun college memories for me - an important time in  my life, painful as it was, more painful without it. Life and learning, being forced to face reality that there is no 'art career', no hidden jobs waiting for me to stumble upon - but I got a job that uses my desire to fix, design, problem solve (after years practice trying to solve me and family haha).
 Good timing on fb break. Maybe good timing on closing private page. All the good stuff already done. Good. Move on.
 But it was a place for my friends/acquaintances/art-Frida people, from different times of my life to be in one place - and for that, I mourn. Bummer.
 Okay - bank - groceries/lunch - drink lots of water! Eat!
 Yes! Good! Today will be a good day!
 Think positive!
 Note: I am not thinking about LA trips - may be background anxiousness - but some success in leaving it for Bain & WL to work out.
+++++
 Fri Sep 1.17 nm
 Sweaty night, up ~3 and not great sleep but okay - work stressing me out, mainly training business coming up -
 But - LA trips between Bain & WL - let them sort it out, be available, professional, positive in seeking solution. Contact WL and let them know you are concerned to get decision going, again offer to help anyway I can. Positive positive positive. If there's a solution, there is no problem. If Iain approached me, ask him politely to contact WL HR. Solution - no problem. Relax. Iain has a job, which is to ferret out waste - HR has a job which is protect workers from bring ground down by the machine. I do my job, and let them do theirs. Tah-dahhh!
 Noticed on fb I was posting stuff from childhood: catechism, dinosaurs on beach - reverting to childhood helplessness where adults make the  decisions? Dunno - just noticed...
 Caught up w/Tessa - some Larry Clark and move 'Love' pics and gigs to several folks including NMM i a - light contact - I think we were both feeling anxious to get to know each other better - learning we need to be patient, accept what comes...a thing. Watch it unfold.
 Short day - yay - free Sat/Sun - Sons BBW Mon... then short week and long Guerneville weekend. Oh man, so looking forward to it. A good positive thing - I am fortunate to experience it - small pat on shoulder Bob, I went out, got it, did it, asked Eric along.
 Don't forget to get hotel for WEF - call and find out when rooms become available.
 Finished UK candy from Xo/K last night - don't seem to be experiencing sugar crash - diff sugar from US candy?
 Stressing at wk yesterday, about DAL trip, who pays for tickets etc - 3-4 bags of pretzels, bowl of cereal, bags of peanuts... catch myself when I do that, walk around, drink water instead.
 K - up @6:30, smoothie, shower, dress, Nomad - got an extra hour sleep this morning - lots of free time makes me anxious - but hey - work in yard, clean cottage always good, re cover holes in shower stall, get negatives out for work scanning. Life is good. Great job. Honestly, don't worry about raise too much - not many people getting them, and quality of job and perks count for a lot! Ask for it, put the info out - but don't get personal. Strictly business, professional. No emotional it's not fair, nor threats real or implied. But do put word out, so it's on record. Yes. That is correct.
 See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend.
+++++
 Thu Aug 30.17 nm
 Slow work day - nice! - on fb private photo page, I think on the fb titty algorithm notice someone is checking nudes as 'wrong', and they're being censored - sigh.
 Sent N u r i a Larry Clark nudes & her head on Frida w/gun - even tho was 'past' initial arousal after bathtub nudes from 10 days ago, took a little longer to feel sure I was not sharing while secretly hoping to get more nudes, which I really - well, mainly - don't want outside some kind of communication or artistic context. I would love some artsy nude selfies, to see what she does w/her body. Naked pics of body are fine and enjoyable on a narrow level - but then it ends, once you've seen 'everything' - what is left? In this case potential for them used for us to get to know each other better is most important and fulfilling.
 Tracey N at work booked hotels, will fly out Monday - good. Was concerned they fly me out at 4am. Okay - I'll see a little of Dallas, have a few days off work, learn stuff that puts me in a powerful position - but money talks - push for compensation adjustment.
 After work groceries - fruit, soup, bread - ate box of Turkish Delight from K&Xo in bed. Yum!! Wed am found small working lamp on Shattuck corner - cool!
 My Job: I'm underpaid. Yes, of course, that's whole point of out-sourcing. At 63, with my financial record, cannabis use, etc work could be hard to find - oh, maybe some temp stuff - . At job, I am comfortable and well-known, useful, healthy food buffet, bank, dentist etc close by - great view! Fun walks through San Francisco after work. Close to BART. Lots of good learning opportunities, and - yes - prestige. Free food, coffee, snacks - the photography, interesting learning events, etc - being lead west Coast 'expert' trainer -
 - so add it up - along with video editing, scanning, photoshopping my own stuff, being able to use phone for personal stuff, and still have time to give 100% to my work -
 It is not wise to push for compensation, to draw attention to myself, encourage them to take a long cold look at me and ask, is this guy worth it?
 So, okay - ask - but don't be pushy, be pleasant - find solutions - more PTO? 
 But when thinking about compensation, remember how sweet this position is, that it allows me to help support Karen and XO - Do It For Her - I tell myself I might be willing to die for her - will I continue to work, even if underpaid, for her? Okay - yes - but - still, make my case for more compensation, and if it does not happen, don't work myself to point of burn-out. I have been chilling a bit more at work - less stress - and that does seem to be helping. (Also getting past Trauma of Gil's death). Visit Stacey - this weekend?
 ...
+++++
 Wed Aug 29.17 nm
 I'm an old man - when will I accept it? It's not okay to compliment women's outfits clothing at work. Stop. It's okay to say no to trips to LA. It's okay to be sad and worried about being old and alone. It's okay to live in the moment, be happy, count my blessings. It's okay to be sad about never seeing Gil again, hearing his laughter, sharing memories. It's okay. Enjoy every breath. Love my friends. Accept their love. Take pride in a job well done, and well-recognized. Ask for an increase in compensation.
 Ask for an increase in compensation.
 Ask for a raise.
 I am not a great artist, but better perhaps than I know. But it's intuitive - so rather than force myself to photoshop looking for the next Frida montage - just keep working, giving myself opportunities in which to work. Music? Guitar? Clothing? But whatever - I may die today, and if I have a few seconds to watch my life pass by - I can say: I did some impressive work, used my full potential, did it my way, earned acclaim from talented friends and acquaintances, had some successes - a couple of big ones - have been contacted by people from around the world because of it. My documentation of a talented song writer gave his post-mortem attention more power and depth.
 I was not one of the stars - but I worked closely with them and had their trust. I'm a good person, so far as it goes.
 What's next? Scott said, I fill my days with work because I'm lazy. Fearful of free time. Get a hobby? wander the streets lonely. Take up smoking? Rely on one friend? What the fuck.
 Bucket list. Bucket list.
 Look it in the eye. I can do this. Be here now.
 All's good long as I have my health. Otherwise, don't stress small stuff.
 I could look at Gil, weeks from death, say 'I never got drunk and made an ass of myself, so I have nothing to offer.' and they both laughed. Point was, after many years humiliation of being me, I could joke dryly without embarrassment about it, show serenity, indicating to him that I had found peace, that that stuff doesn't matter; there's no sense beating himself up about it.
 Okay - quiet w/NMM, we check in say hello, but difficult to really get to know each other the way we want - be patient - opportunities may arise, but maybe blow in the coals, say hello - avoid flattering to get nudes. Let it be. Let go. My mind desirous of pleasure still wants to internet gf her. Don't.
 All is well. All is well.
 I have said no to 1-day LA trips, and asked for raise. Ask again.
 Phone call w/Sooz last night. K coming back from TED Tanzania today.
 3-1/2-day weekend coming up
 3-day week
 4-day weekend in Guerneville with Eric and music fest background.
 This is good.
 Scars of feeling unwanted through childhood remain all one's life; if being around family who do not treat me with respect is painful, keep my distance. Protecting myself is not a sign of weakness, it is self-love. I stayed away from Dad, when he reacted to my reaching out with defensiveness and veiled insults, I continue to stay away - but got close enough we could exchange hugs and say I love you. Win. Family is tough, but answer is not necessarily to suck it up, grow thick skin, spent time with people who are unable to control their instinct to treat you badly. Fair. Win.
 Breath deep. Every day I win. Every day I can find serenity inside. every day count my blessings of love, friends, low rent, yard, job I enjoy (!!!), toys, etc.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.
+++++
 Tue Aug 29.17 nm
 With Gil dead (and Scott) I am indeed cutting myself off from musical connections on fb - no need - many of them I partially followed to se Gil's comments - also got turned onto fun music, and music lore - but let's not make pop music too much of my life's focus - it was a thing I followed for cultural/identity/entertainment/companionship & other reasons - I see its purpose/value - excellent - saved my life - got to be cool - got to work with talented interesting people, make friends, see my photos widely published, team to root for/tag along with - gang to join - black leather and club tours - a shared task - how cool was that? But I have no more connection with GT members and scene members etc. except ancient memories. Gil & Scott were the best of us, glue that made tolerating each other worthwhile. For an introvert like myself, lacking that glue I'd prefer to step away and pay more attention to actual friends I can count on.
 Mon: Cleared up the ADA confusion with WL HR - stood my ground, explained I think there's been a misunderstanding, PCP's note was not to say I had a disability, just my exhaustion/burn out had reached point I'd gone to my doctor about it; he was acknowledging what I'd said, asked whether it was wise to burn out employees to point they can not do their jobs well. WL HR backed down, said it was not a request for medical records; no need for ADA form - but will need to talk to WL people. Fine - happy to do it. Finally - after 18yrs - maybe I have an advocate.
 Work again mercifully slow - Randy says I will not have to use my credit card for flights to DAL and such - good.
 So - ADA business cleared up, flight payments cleared up, 1-day LA trips now between Bain & WL, feeling much more relaxed. Making it a debate between me & Iain was not healthy. Fucked me up this last week. Powerless David against Iain Goliath who can wreck my life. Well, I have power of persuasive words, facts, willingness to say no/accept consequences. Bad feeling. Now resolved. Let it go, let it fade, be happy, enjoy the day.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.
 I have list of names long as my arm who will vouch for my value.
 Started new Elmore Leonard 52 Pick-up - Roy Cohn's autobio was getting tedious, read 1/4 - deep deep junkie politics of 50s-70s. McCarthy hearings stuff was interesting!
 K in Africa. Enjoying candy from UK, Xo, K, watching Duke Nuken walk-throughs. Guilty pleasure. Pop culture is my culture.
 Short week - close 2pm Fri - 3-day weekend - annnnddddd!!! Sons of Champlin Mon BBQ; really looking forward to 4 days with Eric Guerneville cabin. Music is all good and well, but - it's about place, river valley, cabin in redwood grove, porch, grub, people - yes. Bunny hat? See how I feel. Makes me happy to think about - my annual music festival. Hippie lifestyle slight return.
 Slept well - hey! first time in a while, slept till 6:30 - because of resolution to work stresses, communicating w/people who actually listen to me (unlike Taf & Iain). Slept will 6:30 alarm, smoothie, shower, Nomad - 8:08am - work.
+++++
 Mon Aug 28.17 nm
 Possibly part of my emotional reaction is from feeling bullied by In's demeanor and "no"! negative pushback - refusal to hear logic and common sense, not to mention and show of concern for my well-being. So many other people show nothing but affection, support, appreciation - then this one guy right above me shows none of that. That's not his job. Stay away from him. Let WL HR & he work it out.
 Assume resolution in my favor - assume it will go well - assume I'll still be at Bain next year - assume logic and intelligence will shine through.
 For myself - stay away from it. I'm doing well - all is good - I feel great - Sun, at age 63 after coffee at wifi cafe, my idea of a good time is getting out early for healthy salad in car, 5 miles up a mountain through gorgeous summer woods, IM'ing photos to friends, followed by BBQ/couple drinks w/good live music in a backyard. Special event.
 All is well.
 My livelihood is not threatened.
 Yes to life. Don't worry. I am making to much of this. I felt bullied by Taf - but he was at heart a bully. Maybe In is, too, so stay away from him.
 Yes. Good. Today will be a good day.
 Today - at end of today - I will say this has been a good day. It will be challenging, because I am saying no to two large companies, and here I am a high-value resource but really a powerless nobody. They can wreck my life. But you have to draw the line somewhere. And this is mine. I have the power to say no, and then I have to accept consequences gracefully and without bitterness. Tough, but it can be done.
 No. No! No! No! :-)
+++++
 Sun Aug 27.17 hm 9pm
 Considered staying home, rough morning sleep and thoughts in knots - stop thinking about wk stuff! - I'm prepping for every angle - can't - stop!
 Left for Reyes ~10am, pbj/Mideast salad, gave Psycho & Rum Punch to Nicasio guy, ate salad in car in big blue plate, asked park headquarters about car keys in lost & found  - check online - 5 miles, nice, plenty of energy(!), arriving early I was downhill in woods during worst of heat wave - 3pm at Nicasio, salmon/pork, 2 top shelf margaritas, chat w/guy sitting next to me, Pablo Cruise was good! New added singer from Rogers Waters - band nice and tight! Hot but not too hot.
 Stop in on Robbie after for UK candy from Xo/Karen - talk about work situation - he said sounded like there was no chance of getting fired, to stand my ground, negotiate, do not budge from position  of no 1-day trips to LA, and continue to pHs solutions - get down there day before - and that it sounded like I was clinging to idea I could get fired, even tho there's none. Maybe. Playing victim. And Ian is hard to deal with when it's no no no to everything. But yeah - calm down - not going to lose job - but it is uncomfortable saying no. Well, now I'm learning how that feels.
 Sent trail pics to NMM - we both say we want to get to know each other better.
 L has been very good listening to my mental knotted stress about work.
 They can't force me to do it. They can only threaten to fire me if I don't, and that is extremely unlikely. So chill. Stand my ground and all will go well.
 Yes more? Sat washed Camry w/bleach to remove mildew, then to car wash where I thanked man who suggested it; he grabbed brush and started scrubbing my car, until I gently took it from him. Moe's & Peets mocha Frappocino (!yum!!) on Telegraph - cruise N Berk (?), back to Berk Bowl for soup, jelly beans, etc - at home dealt with work stress by getting high, watching Duke Nuke'm videos, eating all jelly beans. Worked I guess.
 Shower now (sunscreen), and sleep.
 Good to get out. Stop thinking of Iain as an angry bully. He is not. He does not hate me. And he can't fire me. Done. Stand my ground. And bring more of my stuff home.
+++++
 Sun Aug 27.17 nm
 Mind still churning angry w/righteous indignation about LA trips - of course everyone at work is required to work to the bone and exhaustion - and I have - but I'm drawing line here because upgrades look to required many LA trips - woke at 4am again, snooze and mind running over scenarios. No one likes to say 'No' at work, puts a kink in smooth flow of energy through hose. Anyway, it's between WL & Bain now. Can't back off - they're going to want me to do LA trips, then SF training the next day. I have to say NO now to give everyone time to find a solution. Make that point.
 Let it go.
 If they terminate me because of this one request - that's hard to imagine - but if: they'd have to get someone to become expert in old and new company PPT, train 4 other companies, do video editing, theme creation, photography, West Coast new hire photo formatting & uploads. Yikes! I suppose anything is possible - but that sounds like cutting their own throats for no good reason. Could happen! I'm sure it's on table. Be prepared for anything. Everyone is expendable. Remember that.
 Don't let this paralyze me - it's 9:18 - I can go home, shower, bet at Reyes by 11:30 - have a good 3hrs+ for a Wittenberg stroll, then BBQ/music - sounds like right thing to do. Feeling frozen by my emotions is making myself a victim and martyr. Get a grip on myself. If it comes down to it, do LA trips, use PTO day after as necessary. If there's no choice - then it's not a lose. Find a way to make it a win - I can do this.
 If I can do divorce, DUI, AA, jobless, homeless and survive, I can certainly do this. :-)
+++++
 Sat Aug 26.17 nm
 Leave me not flog horse of LA trips further. I am upset emotionally to be in a situation where I can not control - even after 18yrs - my comfort and health; now am taking steps, awkward/uncomfortable as they are, to resolve situation. They've now asked for ADA form to be filled out -  which makes no sense since I don't claim to have a disability - and which gives "them" access to all my medical history.  I Pushed back after reading form, which is for situations where an employee is claiming a disab. This being opposite, I wrote asking for clarification, suggested instead a note from doctor stating I have no disabs. No immediate response.
 I expect she'll write back, ignoring my questions/solutions, say this is how it's done, just do it. I'll push back again. Do not be bullied:
 "I need to make important decisions about this issue which I understand may affect my status as employee of WL, and position at Bain. It is important I do with with full understanding of the facts. If you are not in a positions to respond to what I hope are reasonable and logical questions, and offers to find an easy solution, can you put me in touch with someone with whom I can discuss a resolution to this issue?"
 Anyway - enough - presumably my position is not in jeopardy - I figure B a i n would be loathe to fire an experienced trainer, esp so soon before major training period; so don't be thinking emotionally, angrily, thinking about utilizing contacts in office - that thinking is from stress & defensiveness - I have been weepy about this - I want to say, a painful reminder of how weak and helpless we are - but look! I am neither. I said no last year to Taf & made it stick despite his pressure - have not done LA trip for a year. Am now pushing back at national headquarters, offering my understanding of situation, offering smart, coherent solutions - doing my best to sound stressed &put-upon, but reasonable. HR has offered to help support me, make sure I feel taken care of. Neither Tracey nor SF GFX dept want to lose my experience during upcoming training/transition/style-app upgrades.
 So chill - let this run its course. But - turning over my medical records seems a bit much.
 Getting emotional does not help anything
. They want to keep me where I am - so don't get in the way of that while standing up for myself.
 Been weepy - need to get out from underneath this. Job is important; not as important as my health/serenity. It feel nightmarish to me - being forced to do a job that causes me such distress. Maybe caught up in my emotional connection to training - thing broke my heart most night of DUI - Jan 7 1997 - 20yrs ago - that I'd never be a teacher. I is important to me.
 Good to write this stuff down, clarify thoughts, step back from over-emotionalism. At work, emotionalism will be a hindrance; avoid it.
 Alright - been in a bad put-upon stressed mood at work - jabbering - letting events with NMM i a settle - feeling obligated to respond, reach out - but give myself all the time I need to et comfortable.
 Pablo Cruise Sun, Reyes hike beforehand > Fri <wk walked through Chinatown, helping tourists, to Union Sq - nice weather. Reheated Vietnamese soup @home > sleep ~10 watching Duke Nuke'm vids on Youtube, astounded at how many complex levels I know by heart - how much time I must've spent there! Yet enjoying the hell out of revisiting - so, what the hell - doesn't mean that time was ill-spent - for the time It was fun and what I wanted, part of our culture. I am not better. Face fact.
 Aside from the LA trip business, Gil death stress still on table > and feeling isolated > sinking in Gil & Sooz gone. We are all vulnerable > unless we are independently wealthy, it's a fact of life. Breath into it, don't get hung up and in a bag, enjoy all I got right now - right now is all we have.
 Be here now.
 I could do LA trips, and everyone will understand if I work from home next 2 days, or come in and am not fully coherent.
 We will find a solution. If there's a solution, it is not a problem. Leaving aside my personal feelings of aggrievement, there is no problem. So work on myself. Find my own peace. This is not a major crisis - it is a personal crisis because it pits me against employer - who appears all-powerful, and can wreck my life. Go ahead, I know you're dying to.
 ah hahahah
 NMM asked about my response to first artistic nude she sent, leg and breast to do painting from - why it was different from response to later bathtub pics. We will find things to talk about - let it happen organically - if not, then that is what is sposed to happen, tho it seems we both want this communication to work because it's fun. Okay - but don't cling.
 L has been good, listening to me stress about LA. Thank you.
 K in Tanzania for TED.
 Sooz enjoyed total eclipse.
 Buff gave me a book.
 I have a whole day off with no plans.
 Tomorrow free with hikes and music.
 Plenty of food, clothes, toiletries, yard, etc.
 Life is good. Don't let this one issue bring me down.
 I can do LA trips - I don't like it because it wipes me out, can't think clearly for days - on other hand, keeps me in touch with LA folks, get free meals, day off from ppt. So think positive. Many people at company are asked to work past point of exhaustion.
 Mom's birthday last week - I missed call - call his morning - Happy Birthday Mom! Another gold start in my life. Count blessings, accentuate positive, keep sunshine in my heart. Put string on finger to remind me to count blessings.
 Arrange to meet Robbie Sun to pick up UK candy - or see if he's free today?
 See - this is a great life. I am not as isolate as I think. If I fall - there are people who might be willing to help - if not catch - me.
 Bummed about expensive hotels on coast - but let's see if they drop to $75 in Fall - that works, too.
+++++
 Thu Aug 24.17 nm
 'ME 'photo book out - long IM w/NMM Wed - both working through unexpected feelings - she for old selfies of young Robert, me for her? I guess? Which we both know is crazy - but expected - normal for this to happen - language barrier ad to confusion, but also to fun - it is fun, and uncomfortable desires which are not only unattainable, but undesirable will pass soon enough - no need to over-analyze. It is fun, okay.
 Noted that first nude selfies/penis pic are late 76, Shattuck Hotel, Berkeley - first erection pic not till two years later, Davis - of course back then it was negative film, pre everyone-has-a camera selfies - so fear of getting caught and shamed was intense! Internet has made porn common - back then much more shame.
 Anyway - I was feeling sad about NMM, so was honest, and so was she - we know it's nuts and also normal, so we'll be fine. It's part of gateway - crush-y feelings for someone you barely know - to potential longer-term friendship. Man-woman friendships not always easy. Value it, treat with respect.
 She wishes we'd met in the 70s so maybe fun outdoor nudity and romance -I wish we'd met so I could have shot her nude, and who knows? Okay - so there's some emotions, but also some fun in this hiccup - so enjoy it! As she said, nothing bad can happen - we're safe - so enjoy this petite romance.
 Talked to Boston Williams-Lea HR lady about LA trips, sent doc note and other documentation. Maybe do the 1-day LA trip, then work from home 2 days? Might work. Develop a better attitude about Dallas training - freaking out about flight and being tired during training isn't helping. Do it, or don't. I think in my mind I will retire at 65 - barely 1,5 years from now - that is not necessarily true! It puts pressure on my push for raise - I need it now, because it may only last a year! Think long-term - if I get the raise 6mos from now, it will add up, maybe make it worth staying. someone else can do the training after I leave. I am not all that important. And setting up Video-Conf training situation could make working from home viable.
 No wifi at home - so will need to go to Nomad. For 8 hours. Weird, but an option. A band-aid.
 Also, say I have no credit card, and WL should pay for plane ticket..
 Mentioned compensation - she said up to Tim - or new dept head - which might not be for months. I could ask, assuming there will be an increase, that it be retro-active. Fair is fair.
 Meantime, working slower, less push, no more proactive training materials, no tips of week, slowing down on facepages. Etc. Making every job count for official time - 1hr per complex slide - is helping - avoiding burn-out if best for everyone. Slow... nothing to prove... chill... my best friend died, I had near-crippling body pain for 6 months - still some depression... do not overwork.. I am not healed from it - can I feel it? How was I a year ago - feeling happy and fulfilled at times- not recently... listen to my body - it is saying take it easy. I have given lots to work - now is the time to give back to me. Make this job easy as possible. Take some sick days. Seriously - seriously Robert - I am not at 100% and need mental and physical support.
 to work
+++++
 Wed Aug 23.17 nm
 Morning IMs from N explaining what happened, how she sent the pics Sun - okay - I am reacting defensively, like a jilted internet bf. Sad. So obviously I'm - involved, affected - best thing is to back off, take advantage of opportunity to back off, let go, not treat my hormones like reality. It was a one-time fun event, and we both know it is unwise to continue. Just because it's a big fast pretty train, doesn't mean it's not headed into a dark tunnel, ending in a brick wall. Take my memories of pleasure and settle down. The morning sunrise says: Move on. It was a one-time thing. A pleasant fluke. A one afternoon turn-on share. Anything that leads to so much confusion on our parts is probably not a good thing - there's no foundation for it. We though  -I thought - being artists might suffice, but sex/emotion alchemy - sex becomes emotion becomes confusion, and now defensive poutiness. Wise up. Beck off. Let go. Be a big boy, don't cling. Kiss joy as it flies.
 I have all the power here - do not avoid the internet - take my time, give myself space - at least this morning. I'm not sure there's anything more to say. Right now I'm not sure why she wrote what she wrote - and it doesn't matter if I don't understand - and I am not required to respond, esp if I have nothing to say. ha ha
 A little defensive. Chill. Breath. Eat good food. Get good sleep. Love myself. Photo-wise, I am not wanting anything specific from her. So. It's okay to let go and relax.
 Is future this may seem like nothing - but it is a good learning experience, about the power of romance, sex, covered holes of loneliness waiting to be filled.
 Sleep ~10pm, up ~6, snooze till 7. Remember to Skype Sooz Thurs.
 Last night 2x I posted then took down:

 I don't want to say stop just yet
 maybe we will learn from these experiences we just had
 and become more comfortable and have ways to deal with it
 with less confusion
 with less confusion
 
Who knows what's next? There's no right response. Be honest, keep eyes on that we are enjoying each others' contact. Don't ask for more photos. I have not done anything wrong; she is not saying I did. There is nothing to defend. Just - it is getting uncomfortable for both of u, we stepped into the realm, it was exciting and fun, but not right way forward. So we act like adults and stop. Anything more like that - keep carefully wrapped in artistic perspective. I don't need to tell her again I'd like more, because I've already said it.
 Okay - time for me - make bucket list: Good bike, Mexican cruise. Stretching, yoga. Cooking at home. Make my hippie fantasy of health and serenity a reality. I'm close enough to touch it. It can be done. I can have it, if I reach out to touch it.
 Oh - and - less time on politics - Trump's ugliness, America' systemic failure and eating itself is depressing - there's life to be lived - step away - Huffington post is one-sided lying garbage.
 Leaked Miley Cyrus selfies peeing!? Much better... :-D
+++++
 Tue Aug 22.17 bed 8:33
 Randy sick, in 6:45am, work slow fortunately - training Sheva temp, but fading -
 IM'd w/NMM - some confusion about photos she shared Sun - it's complicated - I saved IMS: sexy vs. artsy selfies.
 After wk 3:30, Chinatown, more IMs, cooling off - photos of store windows/exchanges while walking, on BART. I think we're on top of it. Never a good sign. Hah hah, It's fun; I like her. Language barrier is fun/frustrating. Walk to Union Square, Powell BART >
 > Rockridge BART > espresso at sidewalk table > nice > lovely weather, make note > sushi boat > down Alcatraz, cut north around neighborhoods > felt good, no weakness in legs/knees > knees getting better, I'm stress-testing them. That was fun getting off work early, walking through SF, then Rockridge to home - it's becoming a thing.
 No word from Tim on compensation. Iain will also contact Tim about no 1-day trips to LA. I again said Video Conferencing Option please. Sent Tim, Iain, Tracey doc note. Now they all know, since it seems neither Taf, Jeff nor Randy told him. Weirdoes.
 Okay. Cool. This day went well. Now, music, lightshow, subtle but nice pot, good fave music collection, deco lap on...
 How about a good bike?
 Save more. Finished Psycho - good! wow - now to Roy Cohn's autobio - good first 6 pgs... Kind if want to Skype Parri... Do it. Take a chance.
+++++
 Mon Aug 21.17 nm
 Okay to enjoy pics from NMM as exactly what they are - helps soothe a bit of lonely hole, adds a small spring to step, light in darkness - it is not at all same as L. But there is trust earned. Enjoy; don't make more of it than what it is; tho I'd like to think it innocent by virtue of sprinkled art pixie dust, it is us turning each other on a bit, enjoying being seen & accepted, enjoying compliments, she called them flowers - as adults, being honest to avoid causing harm, this is an okay thing. I am very blessed to be in a position to do this, under cover of art - artists can do this; others also, everyone shares selfies; as artists we, in addition to the turn-on & fun, share a bit of ourselves, talent, ideas - so, extra color and flavor - win.
 Bullet list - cruise - week south to warm Mexico - 4 days $3K? Look into it.
 Be a bit more selfish $$$.
 Pick up Xo/K candy from Robbie - this week - no need to explain or apologize - E's lack on responses to my outreach - between he & I.
 Eclipse today.
 3 weeks till 4-day weekend jazz/Blues with Eric by River. Esp when there's no big stars to get excited about, Eric, cottage on hill in redwood grove, meals, putt-putt golf, river valley location, festival-goers to chat with - it's a vacation first, music fest second. So very exciting to look forward to. et there early Friday.
 Pablo Cruise BBQ this weekend, Sons of Champlin weekend after - have seen them both a few times now, so not *exciting*, but a good time at a superb location/well-run venue where I am recognized as regular. They tolerated my acting out/shenanigans over years - I got message, more respectful. Thank you for that. I get over-stimulated.
 Eating at home more - BB pre-made soup/salad/sushi is awfully convenient/healthy! Much cheaper than restaurants. Still - a few more meals made at home - lentils/rice w/veggies would be tasty, healthy, save me thousands/year. And fun. And one of those things I think I'd do when I'm 'retired'.
 Scrimp and save.
 Bucket list of things I think I'll do after 'retirement' - and do them now. Make then now. There is not future. Then is now, now is then. Be here now.
 Escapism is losing.
 Things I want to do but put off because I am invested in work - it defines me - imagining life without I feel lost, depressed, invisible - yes! -I fear to face it, so I don't change, frozen. Working at a place like Bain improves self-esteem. That's fair - there's a bit of status, but not same status I own by loving my friends, goddaughter, self, family. Starting to live life I might have post-work could ease step-down, grease skids etc. More focus on life, self-love; less reliance on workplace status.
 Cut work focus by 15%, add that focus to me. Everyone wins. I am not paid enough to do so many extras. Slowly withdraw. Work amount my compensation covers + 10% more icing. I'm a star regardless, just by my natural talent/work ethic (fear of termination and starvation). :-D.
 Really - a lot of this is: If I'm gonna be new-styles lead trainer for three West Coast offices = 400+ people - obviously I can't do that alongside my other tasks - anyone can see that. So cut back on in preparation. Cool.

+++++
 Sun Aug 20.17 II bed 8:30pm
 Sat after Cotati fest, zombified @hm, decided I could sit & surf net zombified at laundromat - and yes, it's nice to have that done - clean clothes, towels, bed. Sleep late, up early - restlessness.
 Anyway - not much today - 11:30 am Berk Art Museum was mildly amusing: Buddhist sculptures, Indian miniature paintings, local surrealist painter Howard (promoted by Julien Levy who shot nudes of Frida), room with couple dozen life-sized clowns laying around, and big shoes hanging from wall - I am cynical and sneer but WTF? I was amused educated entertained, taken out of myself for an hour, upstairs espresso and cinnamon pastry w/view of Center street - also perfect parking across street, weather lovely; so stop sneering - it's a campus museum and darn good or that.
 Book store - Spillane, Sin City, Holmes and sundry, groceries/meals on way home: soup, pretzels, sushi.
 Lunch at home, clean out Camry trunk, hideaway trunk-only key under back driver's side wheel well, actual keys hidden in trunk - showed Buff/told DJ where; 2nd trunk key hanging above calendar. I think that covers anything I can imagine -
 Gather roof rack pieces together - now what? One of those neighborhood lists?
 IM'ing w/N and other - I think N&I know what's going on/same page - more pics/talk - organically came to moment we wondered if it would, she said one of my models looked just like her from waist down, so now I know what she looks like, all light-hearted tho, she says will shoot maybe send, sends more tub shots waist down, liked compliments - do I enjoy as artist or man, I say both, and also tell how first legs shot s from months ago were so arousing and I didn't want that to dominate how I thought of her. I think we managed it fairly well. Still uncertain, concerned about misunderstandings bemuse of language barrier. But this was very cool. Saved choppy (no 'row headers') transcript of day's IMs, for trans-language words we chose - wrong but I get it then it's not wrong.  Nice/
 Frida site person said my pics helped her (and others?) get comfortable w/Os other deep discomfort. Cool. Good to aiding people get fulfillment, & flattering. :-)
 Wifi cafe morning, shower/wash hair, wear new accordion-fest pants/shirt - very comfortable actually - nice -, museum, book store, groceries, lunch, tidy car, hideaway backup key, rack parts, chat w/Buff DJ, IM w/K about her trip to Tanzania tomorrow/Xo/E, Robbie IM'd pic of British candy Xo left me (from she & K), pics & long good IM w/N.
 Looks like a pretty cool day no?
+++++
 Sun Aug 20.17 nm
 Focus much more energy on my life, what I enjoy, things I like to do that I am putting off till after I retire - ha ha - seriously, start a list, and do them - yoga, walking, stretching, a 3-wheel (?) bike of some sort - a cruise - do it - do it all now - a van to sleep in? Do it. Don't wait. Live now - don't make work my whole life.
 Seriously - winter coming - don't sit around and mope - shoot nudes - play guitar - get a good camera - whatever I like, I can afford - do it.
 Missing Gil, I am grieving, don't neglect that I'm not okay about it. Take care of myself. We all have burdens, and all must take care of ourselves.
 Also, I'm 63, I tire more easily - this is a simple physical fact of life - do Dallas, but if they fly me out at night, or at 4am, do not pretend it's ideal. Don't pretend I can do both my production and west Coast training - do one or the other - take all the time I need to prep for training - get a private room - practice - do not do 1-day trips to LA under any circumstance - do not be snarky or hostile - but do not take the blame for their decisions. I have nothing to prove. My job is not in danger.
 Jeff and Taf left because they got paid more to do less, and less stressful work - something to think about.
 I am not suck there. I could get temp jobs.
 Breath - stretch - I am under no pressure. Out enough pressure on a Human Resource, eventually they will burn out then break. Love. Treat them with love. No matter what - make their time with me the best time they have all day, so they look back and think what a pleasure it was to be near me. Be charming when I say no.
 "I'm so sorry you are in that position - everything is going to be okay. So sorry I can't do that - I know you'll find a better solution. I know you don't mean to pressure me, or bully me - you're in a tough position. How can I help without compromising my mental and physical health?
 Working an already stressed out high-value human resource to point of burnout and breakdown is not a viable solution to this problem. Because I can't  - not won't  - can't do it.
 I'm preparing - work has become a drag - duck, dodge, weave - I can do it - I'm an independent entity at work because I'm so good at my job - I can do this.
 I can do this. everything is going to be okay.
 IM's with Mex/Ital artist NMM - pic of CCAC art student in burn zone she says looks like her from waist down - cute - flirty - shapely legs, nice feet - beautiful skin - mentioned visiting bf 20yrs older - was that a hint that there's a limit to flirting because of our age difference? That would be good if we defined a boundary. Thanked her for sharing her beauty - she said maybe more bathtub pics of legs if she liked them. I really want them, but only if they come organically as part of developing online trust/friendship.
 Rough but okay sleep - bed towel has been churned up, twisted last week or two - work stress, I think, but maybe also weight of Gil's death settling on. First emotional reaction was almost a protection against looking at rest of my life without him. That makes me deeply sad. :-(
 Woke Sat - what to do? Restless and slightly crazy - poster on my page, Cotati Accordion Fest weekend! Yay! A thing to do! Some traffic - ~ 1.5hr to get there - $15 parking across street - overcast, but it cleared, sunny and perfect ~12:30 - nice! Chicken burrito and Great Morgani in Mondrian outfit - :-D
 Wandered, enjoyed dance tent, front stage Italian guy in fancy outfit did piece w/notes set to woman's singing - exciting!!
 $40 Mexican drawstring pants & $40 green shirt, $20 festival t-shirt, $10 burrito, $15 parking, $6 IPA, $7 coffee = $138 - part of the event maybe, to spend a bit, support booths, event, town - that's how it works and keeps these festivals going.
 Drive home reasonable - always slows ~Petaluma - took frontage road at Albany - interesting - sushi @home - Buff bought hose and rake!
 Okay - yes, I think it helps to vent here about work, organize (somewhat) my thoughts, see how they sound, how they look in print - are they reasonable? am I okay?
 What battles are worth fighting?
 No 1-day trips to LA is worth fighting for. I may need to re-fight it. Adjusted compensation is worth fighting for.
 I cant lose the LA business - that is settled.
 As for compensation - if answer is no, and no symbolic actions - more PTO for instance - then I start handing off say, facepages, theme creation, video editing. Just tell Randy - I'm going to start handing this stuff off - let's have a dept meeting. Make it work for me. They can see I can't do it all. Obvious.
 Okay.
 Accordion fest.
 Work stress.
 Gil grief.
 Life hack - more focus on things I enjoy. What is my bucket list.
 
1985: Ellen, Chae, JaiJung - at Ralph's nr CCAC. Wonder if she is alive?

+++++
 Sat Aug 19.17 nm
 Fri Randy was sick, so was Culi/Alex - both showed then split, so I closed, 10hr day - fortunately I was well-rested, also fortunately work was slow. Did a fancy photoshop Lego job that came out well, pleased high-placed global person & made client CEO laugh. Bam!
 Sent hour corrections to Williams Lea Tim who's running things while we look for new dept head, asked to discuss compensation - who to talk, to etc.- ; he is super-busy, bad timing? - there is no good timing to ask for increases in compensation -
 - but also good timing as they can ill afford to lose me - my importance, non-expendability is front-and-center. Good that I asked, good that I waited till I felt rested calm and clear -good that I had just done a good photoshop job for a major player and also did dept alone when everyone else called in sick, and tons of training coming up - mentioned training for 5 diff companies above Bain - , get ball rolling. If answer is no, or wait, or impossible - I will make my discontent plain, insist that some of my tasks be taken over by others, continue my self-protective relaxing, focusing on enjoying job and my own happiness.
 Don't work myself to exhaustion for a place that doesn't value my contributions.
 My compensation should reflect my upcoming roll as lead trainer for west coast ~400 people deserves better pay. Simple as that.
 If have no power to make it happen, other than to make my case strongly - I can only do what's necessary; no more. If their attitude is fuck Robert, fuck his health, fuck his morale, fuck his compensation request - I know how to respond to people who say fuck Robert.
 Or do I?

 Bla bla bla... talk is cheap. Take real steps - longer lunches, more down time, more fun, less work, constant meditation/breathing to make my happiness my first priority vis-ŕ-vis work. Make my work reflect my compensation. I can do that, and everyone will understand - my value and talents are well-proven, I can rest on my laurels for a few years. Don't work so hard. I have nothing to prove.
 If I need to prove something to myself, let it be how well I can live, how much health and enjoyment I can bring to myself, how much I can love my friends, and be a good person. No need anymore to base so much of my self-esteem on how well I do my job, or get better at it - I'm great at it.
 Have some notes ready in anticipation of pushback if/when Tim wants to talk. Who else can I talk to if necessary?
 Body continues to feel better - can take stairs easily again. Climbing in and out of bed easier.
 Sad about E's non-communication during his visit - I knew it, knew it wasn't like 5yrs ago - I can take some blame: I was/am in denial about situation, that I've reached out much more to K, almost none to him.
 No hope left there.
 Barren.
 Barren after Gil's death.
 And Scott's.
 Barren after I invest heavily in Nan's friendship only to have it turn out barren. No one's fault, my choice. It is what it is, I took a chance, gambled my energy, that a friendship could be sparked out of a of sexual obsession plus shared experiences. When a gamble fails, you cut your losses, walk away from the table, and don't look back. Let go. Take Nan's nude down off my wall. Start life anew.
 These old bitterness's I hang onto are like quicksand that slow me down  - walk away. I got my own life to live. Laundry to do, yard to tend, cottage to tidy, books to read, healthy body and mind to care for.
 No point at all to worry about old age or disaster - none of that may ever happen. I have savings, friends, a network who I can expect some support from. Being single helps - I have no family/children/wife to walk away from if I must go solo. Buy a van, lay down a mattress, get a chamber pot - do what you must. Survive. I've been there - homelessness does not hold the same terror and shame for me it does for many others - been there, done that.
 Slept well - Fri after work groceries/salad - heated up clam chowder snack dinner - container of Mideast salad $5. Got a sandwich, Tilden walk might be nice. :-)
 More? Work, sleep, eat, read, social media w/Lo, K, NMMi. Haven't seen Stacey in a while - Tilden Sun?
+++++
 Thu Aug 17.17 nm
 Okay - calming down - E&Xo in town, difficult transition from months of pre-visit excitement, nervousness, anxiety, anticipating lots of visits, awkwardness, re-bonding, maybe it being 'like it used to be' - then experiencing huge changes, gaps, dead zones... no one's fault - just how it is, now I know, good to know.
 Work call from Tracey, head Ppt person, expecting me/us to double amount of energy we are expected to expend to train 400+ West Coast people. But no WebExs. No doubt wanting us to do 1-day trips to LA. I told Tracey my doctor doesn't want me doing that. Taf said he discussed it with Iain, so even tho Iain didn't go for overnights for me, he knows I'm not doing them. So I think I'm covered, tho sometime in Sept shoot them an email to make it clear, so there's no surprises. Give them time to come up with an alternative. But don't collapse - value myself, my health, my opinion, my doctor's POV. Don't do it.
And - find a way to feel good, loving, cooperative, empowered - do it in a way that everyone feels good at the end, everyone wins, no guilt-tripping anyone, just self-love - I love myself, I enjoy having good health, I don't enjoy being overworked to point of burn-out, exhausted to point of feebleness, and brain-dead illness. Love love love. Self-empowerment. Health.
 Do this right.
 Be good. Be loving. Be open.
 Dumping some fb 'friends' (some maybe post-Gil?), unfollowing almost everyone - replacing them with nothing, less mental fluff of strangers' posts. Mainly art pages.
 Slept pretty well - post work groceries, bowl of hot clam chowder.
 Looked in fridge this morning: eggs, berries, hemp milk, soup, salad, bread, almond butter, jam - all good food.
 Wed brought suitcase to work: brought home lots of CDs, tapes, wires, backup drive, papers of various types(?), Music: What Happened, pack of D80M stuff, etc - cleared off magnet board - mess was making it more difficult to do stuff - feels better - keep clearing shit off - training temp - reminded Randy I'm doing 4day weekend for Jazz/Blues. He didn't know, this gives him ~1mo to bring someone in. Meantime, a policy of no vacations till we get someone new is not gonna fly, and unlikely to be discussed. And I'm going. Like Rob's vacation last week.
 Work's been a mess, took many months to replace night person, then Taf left, then Jeff left - so been short-handed for over a year? Plus disruption and energy drain of training, getting new people up to speed. New dept head, if we ever get one, needs to be trained in Admin stuff and ppt stuff. Meantime, I am invaluable - okay, that's good - and also will be leaned on to do many tasks no one else can do - video, themes, facepages, photos -
 - so balance that out. Use my high-value to take long lunches, breaks, do not try to work faster - I'm already fast and effective. Done. Period. And no raise, so they are wanting to motivate me to work extra hard. Just do my job, get paycheck, enjoy human interactions, enjoy enjoyable parts of my job - edit videos, scan negatives, use social media to be in touch with friends, check news. Relax - even if I get a raise, what would I do with a few extra thousand a year? It's worth asking - but I'm okay. And can probably get part-time temp work with my ppt/photoshop/excel/chart-building skills.
+++++
 Tue Aug 15.17 nm
 Not responding to E's vague too little too late IMs re visit tonight/tomorrow - you can't have me fro free. Took a week to contact, ignored my emails/IMs, last minute group party at Robbie's, okay. Then ignore my photos, emails - offered to visit Chinatown / my work - ignored my emails about last weekend, my offer to cancel Sat plans to make time for them - then Mon, how about tonight?
 You know, fuck you. No.
 It hurts, brings up pain/dislocation of last 6+ years, pain of divorce, watching my good friends/goddaughter suffer - even the financial sacrifices (small tho they may be) to help support single Mom. Here we had a chance to open up lines of communication that would benefit everyone - I think? - but no - fuck it. I did my duty - 7hrs w/Xo, bowling, hiking, sushi, ice cream - she knows I'm here and love her, will help her, and get along with her Dad - I'm sure that makes her feel better. But there is a big age gap, so quality time, just her & I, probably not necessary. Saw her, chatted, gave her $$, told her 'I love you and I miss you, and hope I get to see you more while you're here."
 "Thank you for everything."
 Done. We did our duty to each other. Cool.
 Now move on back to life - but stop here a moment and mourn, and accept what has happened, acknowledge my responsibility, I am not a victim, obviously I am more in touch/financially supportive of K, she is more responsible/competent parent, Xo is my focus - so. Here we are. Here it is. Now. Be. Here - accept. I can't change it, except by doing what I've already done. Breath into this moment.
 Stressing over call announcing big training and app changes @work -
 Don't feel guilty/fearful about protecting my health, re no 1-day trips to LA, or even asking for day off before Dallas day-1 training. It is my right and responsibility to look out after my health, and protect my boundaries - mental and physical - if the thought of this pile of work and work not giving a fuck about my well-being is causing me to feel depressed, that is of serious concern. I can draw a line and say no - I am physically incapable of doing that. You want me to take on this huge important task, I have a big say in matter when it affects my health. I can say no, and let them work around me. It is not all about them. I am not a slave. They do not own me.
 Work is a mess - my desk is a catastrophe - bringing suitcase to work - bring home stacks of CDs, other stuff, scanner? Clear it all out. Person I started training 2 weeks ago left, new person started yesterday. Nice girl - but damn. Lots of training.
 Mentioned to Randy about asking for raise and why - asked if he wants to be involved, he wants nothing to do with it. Okay. Good to know.
 Call in sick some day.
 Take a sick day. Fuck it. If I'm feeling tired, exhausted, mentally depressed, agitated, angry, anxious - take a sick day.
 Remind them of my 4-day weekend in Sept/Jazz/Blues.
 Slept well last night -~10:30-7 - feeling rested.
 Look at the time - 8:54 - late! How'd that happen.
 Oh yeah - Trump saying Nazis and people demonstrating against them are morally equivalent. That caught the world's attention. Cool.
 Feeling better as I focus in the moment, not the training months from now. Take things as they come. The future is unknowable - if you worry and nothing happens, you've wasted energy. So don't worry. :-)
 That helps.
+++++
 Mon Aug 14.17 hm 7:54pm
 Big training coming up in Oct - updated work app/Toolbox -  3 days in Dallas - okay. How will we do it when we're open 7am-2am - who knows? She said tell Iain has to be done, both Randy & I - oops - Randy on vacation. Oh, so all 500 people on me. Uh - fuck you? She mentioned well. you can work Mon, then fly to DAL afterword for Tues am training. Uh, no. No no no.
 No.
 Important training she said over & over - okay, then fly me there Mon so I am well-rested for Tues am training. There is no other option. That's how it will be. Or get someone else to do it. If I'm training hundreds of people, spread out over many teams as they switch over, dept capacity takes a big hit. Randy gets it. I think he sees I'm near edge. I won't quit, but not afraid of being terminated - and have doctor's note re my health. end of discussion.
 I types a list of all extras I do above and beyond slide production: 18yrs of facepages, training, photography, themes, video editing, etc. 
 So. No. Get sued to saying it. They don't control me. I can say no and look after my health. If I feel pressured, call them out for it - even up to bullying if they keep it up. No.
 I IM'd E last Thurs about weekend - no word. Today IM'd about 7pm getogether tonight. Work has me in a bad mood. I felt like, fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck this last-minute bs. Later he said what about Wed/Thurs? What about it? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Today I'm feeling put upon by work, we are so stretched - I have not had a raise in many years - now they want to dump this huge task on me.
 May have to talk to Randy about this. Hate to. But yeah - maybe talk to R, then email both he and Tim and ask how we can move this forward. Yes. Do it. I am close to becoming a really unhappy camper. If I'm going to be required to almost single-handedly do this, I want compensation to reflect my efforts.
 Let's sleep on it - some trouble sleeping last night, could have been result of three mixed drinks at Nicasio/pudding in bed. Sure. Okay. Sugar and alcohol. Give it a day to wear off. See how I feel tomorrow.
 But rework letter I gave to Taf - include list of work I do above/beyond slide production, suggest of there's a cap, to look into a misc/trainer designation, or suggest alternatives - more PTO, 7r days, non-hourly (40 regardless?), something to show I'm appreciated. Otherwise, I need to drop some things and start pushing back, slowing down on others (every two months facepages, Culi does themes, no more new hire photos). Something.
 Okay? Okay. Value myself. Stand up for myself I rock. I fucking rock. I deserve a raise. Go get it. Go, Bob, Go!
+++++
 Sun Aug 13.17 nm
 Sat after nm, ~10am no word from E/Xo, so Eric/sushi - shower, drive to HW store/groceries - new Camry key only unlocks trunk); I mention $300 price, they say no no no University locksmith - at home bowl of clam chowder, shower, locate locksmith - dispensary for a variety of flower/4:1 tincture for E, also bring Gil's painkillers (8, E got 4) -
 Locksmith bottom of University - parking right out front (!) - nice/interesting guy, other customers come in I say I'm in now hurry & he helps them, we call chat - fun! - he is appalled at $300, says more like $35 - also got key for steering wheel lock - should have got 2 for hideaway, but, maybe next week. Or today? Both keys, plus hideaway holder/tags $65. Dang. Good feeling. Tax return, cheap/easy/fast key replacement - right on.
 Traffic heavy stop-and-go whole way to SR, till last 10 miles - music and AC made it tolerable but no fun. Could have turned around but point was to see Eric, so - hang, split up painkillers/flower/tincture, I take comic books etc; get to Osake 45mins before open - gah!! starving!! -  - explore rich neighborhoods and visit nice big park with beautiful lake, paved trails - next time visit more!
 Kobe beef dinner, lots of sushies, 2 bottles cedar sake, drank 1.5 sake - with all food did not get too intoxicated - with tax $300-something. There we go.  Fun to feel rich now and then. Walk around block, drive home very easy - try new flower, feel almost nothing -
 - beginning to wonder how much of pot effect is mental.
 I see pics of Xo/Katie on Robbie's page - ok - 11yr-old kids don't wanna hang around old folks - I get it - no prob - I have always been a distant figure, unseen, sometimes contacted by mail/internet - a source of support - that's fine - she thanked me, in her own way she loves me and I love her - quiet support from afar is my role. Cool.
 10am - call Mom - eat something - chill, shower, nap, Asleep at the Wheel - nice.
 Home - eat - Mom - chill - water yard - shower - on her art page NMM posted nude drawing she did of me sitting Shiva 1977 - fun.
 Tom posting pics of Shirley's stuff she's getting rid of - nothing I want. Is she planning to move, or die? Mom will tell. Get to Nicasio early? 3? For extra good seat? I'm fine by side - easier to get up w/out drawing attention to myself (like Subdudes).
 Not getting photos albums, I no longer want, not getting cemetery stones, I no longer want or need, is 20years ago - let go of resentments, let go of sense of being wronged, that if she'd been more fair we could be - what? Friends? some communication channel? - unlikely - if I let go of those there's nothing between us - nothing - no more shared friendships (Gil), let go; friendship w/Marge/John is independent of Shelley - it really is. No contact. No relationship. Nothing to be worked out. Nothing of hers I want. Let go. Gone. Move on.
 Let go of everything. Forgive. It's all good. I am not a bad person. I'm a good person. In his own way Dad is/was silently saying Go Bob, Go! You're doing great! Go Bob, Go!!

+++++
 Sat Aug 12.17 nm
 When work stuff gets crazy (Jeff left, eve Rob vacation etc) I get stressed and unhappy - I just want it to be easy, get it over with, not feel taken advantage of - I do have all the power - I can say no to requests, I can take a sick day - I could even quit - I choose to stay for my own reasons (money mostly), but also, I like training, human contact/interactions, - in bed this morning asked myself about scanning, photoshop, video editing etc - does it add up to a worthwhile, high-value thing? - it is letting me do my 'art' - nothing could be more important - so, yes. Like Craft Center in Davis, which let me work with bands, along with Design Dept studio.
 Bam - Gil is gone, Sooz/Cheeto in OR (but Skypes help a lot(!)); Game Theory projects over: last couple years have been about rereleases, organizing, digging through, scanning, cleaning up working with Omnivore - all good, okay, but kept one foot in the past - now done, being here now sometimes feels stagnant, stopped, stuck - gray - but - no - normal life. All good. Just a minor adjustment.
 Don't sweat the small stuff - if I have my health, it's all good.
 Closed yesterday and stressed about last-minute work coming in - breath, move.
 Restful but sketchy sleep, woke ~6, snoozed to ~8 - laid there as I do say listen to body, what does my body want?, then thought: who is listening to body, I am my body, my body is me, Listen To Myself, What Do I Want? Same thought paths as since Gil died, stop roof leaking - make it a priority, old excuses non-operational -, no being a victim at work, no being over-generous, let Buff buy me sushi, tell people their drinking and emotional pressure to get to me drink makes me uncomfortable - define and defend my boundaries as necessary: What Do I Want? I can say Yes or No. It's my deal. I am no victim. Take responsibility for my own skin. No one else's.
 Legs/hips continue to feel better, left arm more flexible tho there's a core area of painful tenderness that does not like to be stretched - more stretching/massaging/balm(?) might help that along.
 Emailed & IMd E & Xo about Sat/Sun hang - he saw IM (you can see if they've been), no response - 10:16 - that's it - window closed - head to SR ~ noon? Walk around explore - stop by dispensary, Eric asked for some of Gil's pain killers, okay. CA tax return, looks like they ignored the NY gallery/Frida/Patti rev, ~$177, which is about normal? No penalty. Cool. Good to have it done. Reading Rum Punch/Jackie Brown - pow - another winner. Maybe see movie again, if I can sit through a movie!
 Alrighty - me me me - hello to internet friends - K, L, N(uria) - 10:30 - how about, groceries, shower, tidy cottage, yard care, lunch, head to SR. Yes.
 They are in a pinch at work - they desperately need me to stick around and be happy. Ask for a raise? Might be good timing.
 Things were lively around divorce/mid-life crisis, helped me appreciate quiet times; lively again around Gil's death following Scott's suicide by 3 years and record rereleases which put me in public view - calmed down now - appreciate the quiet times. Ups and downs - ups are good, so it quiet time.
+++++
 Fri Aug 11.17 nm
 Thu walking to work noticed hip/upper thigh pain gone, knees better - knees still tender etc, but all over feeling easier, more of one-body, not a collection of parts focused on painful parts - just, one day, hip pain stopped - mild euphoria - because of pain-relief, also confirmation most of it is psychological, so I learn; some stretching last few weeks, crouching, curling, bending legs - may have broken up fascia/helped? Anyway, cool - slow down - stretch - let time heal.
 Alone today @wk 3:30-6:30, mentally prepared to say no no no sorry alone and half-staffed out no capacity. No. No. My mental/physical health comes first. No. Showed Randy Dr.'s note about LA. Good/Bad: close if stressful - but - go in @9:30 instead of 8.. yum.
 
 Health is important - and appreciating what I have, wanting what I have, yes. Accepting things I can't change. Changing what I can.
 Looking at polaroids of Shelley/Sarah this week, feeling bad, guilty, avoiding - it was not my fault we did not get along, it's not my fault we stayed together so long when it wasn't working; she is extremely spoiled/controlling - the trade was I love her and she shares her house/family etc with me - but not herself - she keeps Chris locked in a cage -  not because of I'm a bad person - I'm not a bad person - because that's her need; maybe if I'd got more love/intimacy from her I wouldn't have gone looking for communication & intellectual exchanges which led to sex elsewhere -
 Whatever - point is I did some bad things, I did lots of good things - when it came down to it the intimacy I wanted did not evolve - likely was not possible - in post-divorce therapy, her inability to focus on truth, at crisis points where it really was necessary, was clear - therapist called her on it. Said 'no wonder it makes Robert feel crazy'. Nothing to hang onto - no core set of values where you say, okay now is time for the truth. So she's still on drugs, has a relationship that works for them both - for which I am deeply happy, I do want her to be happy - and I'm free, and have love I did not have in the marriage.
 So let it go. Good. I loved her. Still wish her well. But do not like being near her. Understandable. Because there's no way to talk through our issues - and nothing to be gained I can think of. She's a taker. Entitled to photos, cemetery stones - there's nothing she has I want.
 Let go. Don't look back and regret - we did the best we could - not look back and wonder if we can still regain a friendship - we can't. Yet I want to be The Good Guy - the one who reaches out and tried to make it work - a friendship - nope. It was good when it was good - but was never a perfect fit - that was no one's fault. We both had major fuck-upped parts. It was uneasy - I introvert had a difficult time being around another person all the time - that extreme discomfort went on for years! It hurt her. Not me. Not intentionally. We hurt each other never maliciously - just was who we were and not a good fit.
 So forgive her, and forgive myself - let go of good guy bad girl blame - that's wrong. Don't try to recreate our marriage only as friends. Start anew. Let go of the past. It is what it is.
 I wrote all this because looking at the polaroids I strongly felt the need to be The Good Guy - which told me, at least, not to be the Bad Guy - esp after 20yrs, I needed to do some serious soul-searching, work if I want to gain top happiness, serenity, mental health.
 1992?
 
+++++
 Thu Aug 10.17 nm
 Three people at work, dept open 19hrs day 7am-2am - more than half hours one-man, supporting ~5depts, not to mention misc requests from Europe and rest of world. I go to work, show up on time, do my job for 8hrs, and leave. I do not stress or do excessive OT, because exhausting yourself physically and/or emotionally is not good for anyone. Not me, noir company, no clients. Breath - be good to myself - it's understood by everyone that it's not a normal situation, and any pressure for us to do more than we can would be morally wrong and self-defeating. So, all good.
 Talked to Toyota dealership about key replacement - some Sat maybe - not this one, in case time for Xo/E visit - so maybe 2 Sats from now.
 Otherwise - cool chill - rough sleep last night, snoozed till 8am.
 IM's photos from NMM - one close up nude thigh to one breast. Lots of cool (selfies?) paintings. I balance between youthful sexy reaction, and seeing art in it - as she says she does with my youthful nude selfies. Stops between shares to catch breath, settle, not get caught up in sexual momentum. Some quiet times. Artistic bonding. Cool.
 K in Europe. E&Xo here. K cousin Vic pregnant in Paris. Tom sent photos of Shirley's knick-knacks for us to choose from. Asleep at the Wheel this Sun. Cucumbers, tomatoes in front yard (avoid resentment, I enjoy doing it, I told them to take them, and even if they do not thank me, every time they snag and eat some (I see them disappearing) they are silently thanking me, my generosity greases skids in land-sharing arrangement. All good, let is go, let it be good - any resentment is on me, self-generated - in other words, be generous, and if make myself subservient and small, that's my problem.) Breath.
 Be here now.
 Yes. Life! Good. Today will be a good day.
 Thank you for sharing your beauty.

+++++
 Wed Aug 9.17 nm
 Woke up thinking I'm alive - Gil's dead, not me -
 Scott committed suicide, I did not.
 Enjoy my life while it's here.
 hahaha - dept head gone, night guy on week-long vacation, we have 2-month temp being trained - but he may not have been thoroughly tested/vetted, may not last the week - hahahah - 3 people covering ~4-5 offices & 19hr shift - uh, no. I show up, do my 8hrs, and leave.
 Damn - IM'ing w/Buzznet Bobbi Mon pm, Tues am she IM's that right after we said 'nite she got news her bro murdered - :-( - ; later Tues am IM'ing w/Mex/Ital artist NMM, as we end she receives notice close college friend died - yikes! Pain. Internet friends - I sympathize. Reminder anything can go anytime - get my life in order in case it's me?
 I mean - some sort of will, who gets what - executor - what happens exactly to Scott negs etc. Is there anything I own I want someone specific to have - quilt goes to Xo/Karen. Karen gets first pick of all - and her boxes in corner. Note to family any debts die with me.
 What is there really, aside from boxes of negs, slides, proofsheets, workbooks, backup CDs/DVDs, polaroids, videos - clothes, kitchen stuff, books, bathroom supplies - Beate table -ART - who gets the art? Who wants the art? Quilts. Car goes back to Sooz. Rocking chair. Bike. Camera, computers, phone electronics.
 I think, I really don't own that much. And most can go to Goodwill etc.
 That's good. Small place keeps me from collecting junk. Items precious to me - art, posters, gifts, polaroids - mean nothing to anyone else. Good. It will not be a problem. Scott photos for to K & girls.
 Better - not feeling the pressure to spend time w/E&Xo now that initial 7hr visit complete - it can be done - tho it seems to have taken a lot out of me. There's some pressure for me to confront E, somehow change him - that will not work, and would come between he & I, putting me between E & K, and making it harder on Xo, as I'd have chosen sides, instead of being a consistent force of love. E seems focused on his 2 news kids, and nothing I say will change that. So no. He & I have not even spoken in 7yrs, and he knows I am close to K - so no.
 Okay - workitty work work. No raises - already work hard - no raises, no harder work no.
 Love myself, give myself what I want and need, be kind and loving to myself, the way I do what I want and give myself what I want, looks like self-love. Cool. Music, nature, art, friends, technology/toys, beautiful garden, good food, good hygiene - stay away from people who bring me down.
+++++
 Tue Aug 8.17 nm
 I've invested - in friends, in yard, in myself - they say my rent is cheap but are not adding $40hr yard work, cost of plants, tools, value beautiful yard brings to them plus keeping landlord happy with us, etc - that's rent karma - it's not about getting future pay back, that viewpoint will create fear, resentment, bitterness (are resentment bitterness the same, or does resentment cerate bitterness?), it's about making sure I've giving now what I'm getting, so I'm comfortable now. Now is what counts. Balance - and I am balanced.
 Anxious about E/Xo visit for months - glad that's done - wiped out yesterday at work - mentally/emotionally - probably physically, too - yes, Sun I was beat, but needed forest, backroads, music - so went and got it - feeling better now - another day - Mon I was wiped, began to feel normal ~5. Fortunately work was slow. Fun training with 2 women: Finance and head of something important - close to office head - they both seemed happy, impressed, grateful - more power to me. :-) Indispensable.
 Legs/hips hurting Mon am - after Olampoli hike? Emotional pain? Pain in top left arms is lessened but still there and potent when reaching back certain ways - still - healing? And the way leg/hip pain comes and goes, lessens when I change mental outlook says it's mental - but not all - I'm working them - but -
 - I've always said when I'm old and pin starts I'll do what's necessary. The time is now. Yoga. Tai Chi. Something.
 K - no word from E/Xo - maybe Chinatown next week?
 In early for Sooz Skype tonight.
+++++
 Mon Aug 7.17 nm
 Feeling better, more centered - Sat day w/E, Xo etc was kinda big - have not been to UK for 6yrs+ - etc.
 Wound up Sun am, lox bagel, lv for Olampoli ~noon > beautiful day, music, light-headed, pbj > walk reverse trail, slow, sore legs/hips but got better as I walked, I can adjust it sometimes by mentally saying feel better etc, so psychological - natural beauty - ~1/2 way through told myself, nature won't do all the lifting, I can decide to be present - that helped - rocks into stream, toy ball into pond, no camera/phone/hippie bag - just me & trail: Good. Couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day.
 Backroads to Nicasio > stop in Novato Starbucks sandwich/mocha Frappocino > and then that was one of nicest day times > slowly driving beautiful empty backroads, from trail to music - disconnected from other outside of me actions, eating processed lunch sipping a cold beverage through straw - perfect light, perfect right? There - gratitude, letting go - grateful for Sooz's car, music, automatic everything.
 Times drive: .45 Olampoli to Nicasio - nice - full of beauty. Walk was short, too - but quality of enjoyment is what matters. Fresh air, exercise.
 Nicasio ~3:35 > nice > no great place for low red chair > owner lady sees me, knows me to some degree as regular/supporter/music & venue appreciator > comes over encourages me to take place on center aisle > best seat in house. Front/center - wow - too close I thought, but turned out perfect damn. Subdudes > so good > great singing, playing - and funny yes. Like nothing else.
 2 top shelve margaritas, salmon/pork combo, checked inside for lost Camry keys - no luck - cooling off, Bob mentioned RN hoodies > 2nd set buy one -w/tax ~$50, but WTH. This is my place during summer weekends.
 Lv when they do crowd acoustic, don't wanna fight the crowd > prob good, but ehh > fine driving home (keeping eye on alcohol affects) > easy drive home > music & ease of window opening/closing/AC makes such a difference! Home ~8, shower (to wash off sunscreen spray/face E lotion), so no shower this morning. Sleep well.
 I liked Sun, how it played out, know places, distances, timing - comes naturally Olampoli trail, to backroads, to snack, to music, okay to be 'late' for music, but - I thought "Seen Subdudes ~3-4x, not excited.", but they kicked ass - so good, glad I saw whole set. And front row center - which - is - in some way - a reward for being cool, supporting venue & artists (buying product), being friendly, etc. Nice glow of pat on back. Thank you.
 I'm a good person.
 Awww. :-)
 Sent Scott's Lauran Canyon to K.
 Sun was good necessary chill-the-fuck-out to rest/prep for work, half-staffed. Keep it mind, pre-event anxiousness is always worse than actuality.
 At Nicasio phone rang > from Mom > did not pick up > needed to be alone > away from all external stuff. I wondered, what if someone died. Checked VM, she wanted to say hi after 2-3 weeks w/no call from me > thought she was in Cinci w/Shirley Joan/Tom for a week? Anyway > call soon.
 Now that Nicasio checked for lost key, car 4x, yard/cottage thoroughly > call Toyota dealership, drop car off Wed am, pick up after work? Key business is stressful because if I lose this one I'm fucked > Sat misplaced it near Albany Bulb for a minute > mild panic (gah!). Good thing is, I can afford $300 for replacement - if there is a solution to a problem, it is not a real problem, just an inconvenience.
 Posted pic of me, Xo, E, Ceecee post sushi euphoria > looked at those pics a lot last night > Xo looks really really happy in both post sushi/ice cream pics > it was a good day, bowling, Albany Bulb, sushi, ice cream > but most important, I think, for Xo, is to see her Dad & I getting along, all day, in a variety of circumstances & conversations > yes. That was good for all of us. Important. Family. Whatever differences there are, family support is more important.
 She looks really really happy. Most important thing in the world to me; I did not fake anything > and she would have known > it was good because it's good.
+++++
 Sun Aug 6.17 nm
 A bit of social anxiety beforehand, but went okay - let go as much as poss -
 Shower & laundry, Albany Bowl ~3:30, did okay - strikes, broke 100, but second set arm tired gutter balls - still - I did it, stayed pretty serene.
 Berkeley Bulb w/E/XO, Dom, Iskander/Maria and sons, Sierra - kids enjoyed art stuff, Xo on funky swing, explored, out to tip, back along water; Xo wore my vest - good to be around each other in group/interact a bit. Easy to be around, maybe that is most important.
 Sugata w/Sierra, got front private room - so cool! - they loved it, as did I - lots of sushi, saki, Xo good conversationalist, about school, food, theater (Hamilton) - , dessert @pecan-based ice cream place across street. Sugata & ice cream was my idea (and I treated for dinner), Bulb was me & Sierra (?)'s idea - point, is I added to thing - behaved pretty well. After felt very good, and pretty good now - having it done with, taken care of - talked to E&Xo about visiting Chinatown some week day, and I'll take half day off (before 3:30).
 Home ~10 - tired but charged up - pot, lights, music - sleep well till 7, snooze till 8 - still some anxiousness about disruptions at work with Jeff & Rob (night guy) both out, stretched thin, mostly 1-person staff - will have to say no a lot. Write it up to explain to Iain/boss as necessary. Breath into this - have defense prepared - do not try to do more than comfortable. Respect my own serenity. There is no penalty, nothing to prove - I'm golden.
 Tho as I write that I think I dreamed of being fired last night - so there's the underlying anxiety - they've put us in an impossible situation, and behind all civilized smiles is:
 "We can wreck your life"
 "Go ahead, I know you're dying to."
 But no - they can't - they can't. Because that would be insane. No. They will not fire me for pushing back on jobs when we have no capacity. They are paper tigers, all pretense, unreal. Boo! They run.
 Overcast - Subdudes BBQ today - before hang at Olampoli? A bit of walking sounds essential.
 Cool - lots done Sat - long Skype w/K, shower & laundry, significant varied hang w/E&Xo, bowled (!), bit of bonding w/Sierra, lots of socializing was mainly comfortable, good exercise walking Albany bulb (could do that more) - sushi in cool private room, ice cream, selfies. Also morning blogging to get head around work stress - still working on how to deal with it - mellow out I guess. Be happy regardless. Do not be unhappy about situation - there's nothing I can do about it, and I did nothing wrong. It's their problem - I have power, because I can say no.
 Sat - beer at bowling, sake w/sushi, sugar ice cream, pot before sleep - still feeling all that a bit, along with socializing - yes, quiet time in Olampoli trees.
+++++
 Sat Aug 5.17 nm
 12:30 laundromat
 Skype w/K at home, talk it all out, losing her house etc, my evolving reacting to E in town not communicating much - etc -
 Near end E IMs - dinner? Sure. Albany Bowl first ~3 with Iskandar fam? Sure.
 Shower, Berk Bowl MidEast salad - mm, healthy - helped - mild anxiousness, but that's okay & normal about any social gathering - and yikes! bowling. Now big laundry - may have time to stop by downtown Toyota to make key copy plans. Leave car off some morning, downtown BART to wk, pick up after work? Might work.
 Cool.
 At bowling - I am slight outsider - let go. Have fun.
+++++
 Sat Aug 5.17 nm
 Summertime blues - nothin' goin' on mannnn...
 E & Xo in town, but Maria Isk pointed out Xo & Dad having quality time solo together a good thing, and Xo having more fun w/hi and family she is used to, same age - I feel like a failure for not being with them lots, but that's K's thing. Let it go. Let Xo go. Love Xo from afar. Invest in her account. Send her occasional gifts/birthday videos - let he know you are thinking of her. At Sunday Robbie party I said 'Love you, miss you, hope to see you while you're here.' She said "Thank you for everything," There. Done. Perfect connection. If I want appreciation, I got it. If I want to be sure she knows I love her, I told her. Leave it now perfect, as it is. There's a big age difference, and spending a day together just her & I would be unnecessarily awkward - maybe we'll have a meal - E IM'd asked about dinner Fri or Sat - I said sure - then no word back. Oh, well, That's it. Not gonna sit around waiting for him to last-minute invite.
 Dreams this morning of breaking into house, people there, leaving security guard arrives, kids say all is fine, I leave, at car wondering if guard will come for me, wake up.
 Jeff gone from work, no dept head, pm guy Rob on week+ vacation - and temp here for 2 months (?) needs training - and despite losing 2 people, still open 7am-2am. Stupid inefficient crazy. Half0staffed, and we're supposed to be supporting Dallas/others as well. Impossible. Do not try to do the impossible. Say no. Explain we are half-staffed and stretched, and do not have capacity, Period. End of story.
 Randy along 7-10 = 3
 Me alone 3:30-5:30 = 1.5
 Culi alone 6:30-2:00 = 7.5
 7-2am dept hours = 19
 12 hours 1 person.
 They'd like us to do OT - for 2 months? No. Close dept at 11pm till we are fully-staffed.
 Relax, breath, love - enjoy my job - smile as I say no to more work - I am safe - no one can reasonably be angry at me or dept. Let it go. Chill. Push back. Say no to jobs. Make a point of breathing, eating, relaxing, being friendly when turning people down, not engaging emotionally. It feels like bullying - I feel bullied - they cannot bully me unless I let them - it's just money / fanatical efficiently reaching breaking point. Their job is to work us as hard as they can - they will not stop, unless I say "Enough", stop there, line in sand, end of road - going home now. Like I did with 1-day LA trips; I can say "No!" Do that now with understaffed, overlong-hours dept. Say No.
 I will come in, do my job, and do it well - including extras (training, facepages, photos) - but I have no more to give past that.
 There - good - helps to get clear on that.
 Supercalifragile arrived Fri - more emotional than I'd've guessed - a bit of dry-eyed weeping in bathroom - it's all the photos - tons of memories, when I took them, what was going on, who was in the band - , but also, when Scott died, one of main pain points was we/I'd always assumed there'd be more Scott music - now there is one last, what was he doing near the end - and yes, there he is, writing about dying love, end of relationship - seeing clearly, logically, bitterly what was happening, making his lyrics out of events, honestly, like he always did - he was still and ever Scott.
 Remembering photo collaboration - he got what I was doing, we both understood need for good rock photos, what made a good rock photo; we worked consciously / unconsciously on that he'd get enthusiastic about my ideas/direction/tweaking and control, saw what I was heading for regardless of how scattershot - plus it was fun! - he was not afraid to dive into roll of band leader in pics - Gui/Gil/Shelley/Donnette (who accepted Scott as boss) understood it better than Nan/Fred/Dave (who imagined themselves equal to Scott) - Scott understood how a good photo could sell the band, get in print, make them look extra cool - bad-ass closed-eye cool shot from Real Nighttime poster in Berkeley Hills. BAM! Success!
 Posted to Scott page polaroid Donnette on my lap 1980 XMEN house finger pointed to forehead - and later Supercalifragile stuff spread on bed, thought through all I could say, it all seemed what we all felt - so just said "- deeply grateful to all involved - ". Shared Supercalifragile photo w/Tess (Nan's daughter), we discussed Laurel Canyon lyrics etc, sent her audio file. Funny that I chose to share the moment w/her - who I think has a genuine interest in gaining some understanding of that era - not anyone else - it would have been Gil - made me sad again; lots of pics of Gil in inner sleeve - stared at pic for a long time - kept coming back to Scott & Gil working on song backstage at first LA gig. Gil's favorite photo.
 All these things are happening outside me: E&Xo visit, changes at work, Supercalifragile - they are not - my responsibility.
 Do some laundry, take a Tilden stroll, see about new car key. Farm mkt lunch? Sushi in SR? I can do as I like. Freedom.
 Life is good.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.

+++++
 Thu Aug 3.17 nm
 Up early for morning training, - in 10 Wed, new temp guy in without warning - I was passively annoyed/insulted that no one told me what was up - didn't know he was hired, or when he'd start, need training etc - left, got conf room & laptop - did training with underlying surliness - today have morning training then partner-specific job after, so ha ha too bad maybe training after lunch - but I won't be taken for granted/left out of loop -
 I'll come in, so my job, and after 8hrs, leave... stress of dept people leaving/retraining, and on top of that not being informed of what's going on adds to stress/irritation.
 Feeling awfully sad - about? Maybe nothing. Maybe Gil? I suspect having E & Xo in town put in my face what I had distance from when it was happening in U.K. - collapsing of my network, yes. Feeling like I don't do enough for Xo - but - I do a lot. Might be bowling this weekend, if so I will go - might be Berkeley party after Nicasio BBQ - stick my head in on way home. Emailed 2 sets of photos from Sun party to E & Xo joint email.
 "Chronic stress affects body’s ability to resist infection, maintain vital functions, avoid injuries. Stressed out people more likely to get sick, have accidents, sleep poorly, be more irritable, less fun to be around. - vacations break “stress cycle.”
 Exactly - I've been dropping things this last week - E & Xo in town? A bit of stress, yes.
 Not real bad stress - my life remains easy - bad stress is health gone bad etc. - still, watch it, keep positive attitude, count blessings, hang out with people, enjoy days out to myself - possible loss of Bragg vacations because of $225 hotels is sad - 2 nights for 3-day weekend $500 for crap hotel - WTF? Find cheaper coast hotels somewhere if possible.
 Anyway - really - Yes. Good. Do my best today. Today will be good.
 Breath, walk, eat good food, keep positive - stress and down thinking perpetuates more sadness spiral, poor physical & mental health.
 Shake it off - no point being bitter - wok shake-up needn't affect me! Sure, I do beginning - but not all - training - and there's sense of being abandoned by Daddy - kept in dark by Mom & Dad (was I really - by Mom, in some things, manipulation - but always for the Good - sure -) - anyway, normal to be a bit stressed/sad about work dept departures/uncertainty - but it's NO BIG DEAL. Get over myself. Keep walking eating loving breathing eating shitting sleeping.
 Life.
+++++
 Wed Aug 2.17 nm
 Skyped w/Sooz last night, among other things new person to train @wk and little Xo contact from E. K says be more assertive.
 No victimhood - if I want to see more of Xo and be in touch, reach out, IM, call, say hello, visit - do group activity w/E/Robbie etc. But spend time with her! Time together is important, even if we don't have much to talk about because of age difference. DO IT. No victimhood. Training is one of (many) things that keeps job well-secured - do it, don't kill myself to do it 1,000%, do an okay job and let him learn some on-the-job.
 No victimhood.
 No heaven, no doing good because in back of mind someday I'll be on death bed, me/others will judge my life - (or I'll be looked over in heaven) - and it will matter - hah! - no! - this is last breath, no tomorrow, no past - this today this moment, sunrise to sundown is it. Enjoy it. Live breath love talk contact my goddaughter. It doesn't matter. Love here while I'm alive matters.
 Deep breath.
 NMM artist, she mentioned diff between youthful naked Robert in IM photos vs. Mr Robert - 'adult Robert - in public - also mentioned another American friend she's doing erotic work with - and - click - good - minuscule twitch of mild let-down, deflated blood pump balloon, also relieved me of (in my mind) focus on me. Desire for nude pics of her disappeared nearly in an instant. Good. I'd like them, of course, but wanting them was a problem. Now can continue art friendship if it happens organically. My need wanted to treat her as an online gf.
 I maybe ought to admit I am more lonely (and lovely) than I generally think, therefore more vulnerable to crushes filling hole - I need to admit it, acknowledge it with people, so I don't fuck with myself nor them. Maybe Robbie's right about dating - except, mainly I'm not interested in making an effort.
 Annnnddd... life is good. I have control within my narrow normal restrictions - there are always restrictions. All I can do is treat myself well, feed myself right, don't stress myself, esp about things that don't matter.
+++++
 Tue Aug 1.17 nm
 Up/in early for Sooz Skype night - interviewed two new temp people for while dept is mgr-free, sounds like we will get new dept head. These fluctuations at work are annoying/tiring - redundant - train yet another person - but only in context of everything else working well - don't let this one thing distract from good life, health, 18yrs at same job/cottage etc - all the good things.
 Yes. Good. Do my best today.
 Will I get to see E&Xo more? SF, work, Chinatown, or just hang out, meal?
 Subdudes BBQ this weekend.
+++++
 Mon July 31.17 nm
 Visit to Robbie's for getogether for Iain Xo - ate clam chowder before, they late showing up - good to see E, bug hard hug on front sidewalk - Xo showed up later, quick hug hello, then lots of space, important thing was to be in same house w/her, Iskander also visiting with sons, Sierra & other HS chums class of 92 - did I detect a connection, now, with HS friends, that after all this time, they were happy to see me - ? they all now near 40s, and me 63 - interesting - they looked older, wiser, sadder... but good!
 Someone talking about Giantess fetish, Eric Stanton book in Cammie, I describe, brought in, big hit, left w/E friend Max.
 Someone stretching legs, I ask about knees, he says sitting bad for hips, stretching helps a lot! Good news - hope - something to do.
 Gave Xo bag of organic jelly beans, talk about Noodlerella, gave her $100 (asked E first) in 20s, she seemed pretty excited about that, carefully counting, unfolding bills - a msg from me of trust, and experience power. She's great. Love her, and on way home let out a bit of sad dry eye cry. Suggested they visit SF Chinatown and come visit my office for view.
 Sent bunch of pics to K - no response this morning - maybe made her sad.
 Kind of emotional peak weekend - usually Sat is chill restful, Sun busy/hike etc - Sat was super busy productive, over/under bed - guitars, books, wires gone - put box of old electronic stuff on Shattuck/Fairview sidewalk, still there this morning when I dumped off 2nd collection. Those boxes of wires, guitar tuners/strings, cameras, outdated computer bits - took up lots of space, lots of duplicates - gone. Cool.
 Bed made, food in friend/cabinets, dishes done, stove ready, yard watered and weeded, venerable growing - lots of big ass cucumbers, ~6 avocados, one strawberry yesterday, lots of tomatoes on the way. None of which I will eat - I do it for fun, for myself - period - also enjoy gifting the house - so not resentment - it is 100% my choice - I may want more attention gratitude for it, but that's my problem. The thanks I get are the thanks I get. Let go.
 Haven't heard back from state tax folks re 2015 taxes - found letter from DMV asking for registration $$ - so, I just missed it, maybe got it mixed up with (?) letter from Siouxie donation place for tax purposes?
 Anyway - I'm feeling loneliness with Gil one, Gil who read my blog/fb posts, always liked/commented, who in his posts turned me onto all sorta great music, movies etc. Not isolated - let go of that - I like a certain amount of normal quiet alone times/solitude, but I'm with housemates, friends, facebook, work peeps -  hardly alone!
 All good. Life rocks and continues. I was low-key last night, gave Robbie 2 handrolls from dispensary, $40 towards snacks his gf Lisa bought and Kertesz photo book; started/engaged in conversations, talked about public performance/stage fright, other ways of exposing oneself (blog, online art), showed my Frida & 3 graces - on phone. Sipped about small whiskey & waters throughout 6-9:30. Seemed fine, feel fine now.
 Okay. Got that over with. Phew.
 8:30 - back to workweek - but eventful good weekend. Good feeling having my living loving space gone through, cleared out, modernized, updated.
 Before Robbie house visit: looked all through Cammie for keys, called dealership about replacement - ~$300, takes all day w/appt, shower/wash hair, smoothie & clam chowder, can I get just key to open door, start car w/out door lock clicker? That'd be fine! $300 for a couple of fucking keys? Not if I can help it.
 Cooling off about NMM Mex/Ital artist. Good. Fun still, but irrational momentum of desire for sexual pleasure/photos etc fading.
+++++