angrylambie blog 2017

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 Thu Sep 21.17nm
 Gonna be a busy 2 weeks (starting next week) at wk w/Randy out on vacation, trainings, etc, followed hard upon by 3 days in Dallas for updated app/styles. Whatever - let go - not so much work stuff here - more life - work is probably not interesting long-term. Did get word from R that overnight trips to LA are okayed, expenses set aside - bring in temp - no one available, too bad. Presumably word got through to B that they were indeed treating me differently, burning me out and that could not be justified. Okay - so, good.
 Common sense kicked in.
 Cooling off, dark at 8 - groceries after work - kind of nice. Still restless sleep - what can I do - a lot is work-related:
 1-day LA trip apparently being resolved (tho of course, as I suspected, no one told us/me): Good
 Dallas hotel & plane ought to be worked out by EOD today - make 100% certain it is paid for in advance,
 Get driver app on my phone for trip to airport and back. Find out how to do billing.
 Look at pages from Tracey N about upcoming changes to app & style - I have no grasp of it - get that clear in my head will also help.
 Then relax - I can do it - I have done it! I know how. Training is my job, makes me highly valuable so job is secure. Takes me out of daily production work. LA peeps shared some mildly negative feedback from about July training - unstructured/not enough charts - I did not do that training.
 Haha - all about work still - but good - ways to put it on back bench, not front row -
 K may lose one of her 2 jobs, also have to move - maybe E has to take X fulltime. Yikes.
 S went in for bits surgery Wed  - she was angry/worried - I told her everything would be okay, maybe she was crying, I had too much brandy/ somewhat hungover yesterday.
 Some confusion about WV/Mom/Assisted Living - Shirley/Anne/Mary planned visit for Mary without telling Mom? WTF? Also won't inform us of details. Leave it be. I stated my position in shared emails - Joan agreed, and Beth - feels like a division in the ranks: Mary/Anne/Shirley vs. Beth/Me/Joan - don't know Tom's position. Well, that's all I know. I stand ready to help. Nothing else matters.
 Good mornings to Nu - sharing this and that - shared my early pornographic Fridas with her. She sent detailed macros of her nude self-portrait rained-on large painting.
 If my friends prosper I am envious - but not really - if they suffer I feel insecure. Pay more attention to my own life and well-being.
 Respect myself and don't let myself be bullied.
 Near end of E Leonard's Glitz - great fun as always, you can count on this guy to be great.
 Don't worry - be happy - take care of business - procrastinating, avoidance only caused anxiety - get on it - breath, love, be positive. Wank, shower, eat, sleep, enjoy entertainment, avoid politics. Avoid over-thinking about work. That job is mine for as long as I want it. I chose it, I want it, just do it and live live live.
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 Wed Sep 20.17 nm
 Sooz going in for maybe surgery today - keep her in prayers - 2hr phone last night, I finished most of flask of brandy - tipsy - lots of water, one Advil, no food, sleep ~11:30? Many x up to pee, drink water - seem to be okay. Looked into DAL hotel yesterday, arrangements with DAL for office visit form etc, today set up flight - WL has to pay for them in advance. Hold fast. They do it or I don't have to go. They do not respond to emails etc. WTF?
 All the big stress about no ! day LA trips - because - saying no means jostling massive efforts I've made to be indispensable - it's risking a lot - my truest wish I suppose to to keep this job forever. Financial "security", status, way to fill time, define myself, etc.
 Anyway - R will be gone for ~10 days? That week will be tough, but just say 'I'm basically alone this week, go in at 8' - do not freak out. Be friendly sympathetic clear and firm. Make them feel good about being turned down. Hahahahah.
 K may lose job & house. Sooz in surgery. Nuria sending paintings - Tues I shared some early sexual Fridas no one else has seen (cunnilingus, bondage, anal), explaining that while looking for Frida pics for Montages, I read many articles and came to a new understanding, admiration and respect, and did more serious montages.
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 Tues Sep 19.17 nm
 Mellowing out at work - abbreviated hours while R & I out in Oct - general understanding that I will not be doing 1-day Fri trips, video conf training is option, it's resolved as it's ever gonna be. So I can relax. Cool. My internal fight is played out, whatever that was about. No word back from WL HR, but ball is solidly in their court. Anything else comes up, it's their baby.
 Posting nudes to private page - no hassle/time-outs yet - must've been that HS girl I added without asking - so my fault.
 Some people never grow up - what does that mean? A character in E Leonard's Glitz - you don't have to have a family to grow up - but maybe it means buckling down and acknowledging areas where steps can be taken towards full responsibility for myself/my life - some things can't be taken care of - unpredictables - health - but no I'm insured and all, and have worked hard to make myself high-value and indispensible at work. Could work harder on family - but - family is tough for everyone. I'm fine.
 Daddy issues at work - yes, job/system is Daddy - but it's a machine, we are all in, so don't take nothing personal - self employed you're your own daddy, own boss, I hear it's extra hard. Welcome to the machine. Leave personal issues at door.
 Cool blue mildly melancholy end of summer days, dark before 8pm, overcast - lovely tho.
 Bed late, up early > shower smoothie - call Sooz tonight.
 Life is good, Yes, Thank you. Good. Today will be good. Be good today.
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 Mon Sep 18.17 nm
 This is my life, sitting at Nomad w/Cappuccino, after shower/smoothie, yard check - chilling, checking fb - no more writing about work unless it is something new. Let work take care of work. Leave it at work. Let go - work at it - let go every day all the time.
 Sat mideast salad in backyard, called Mom, IM w/K & Nuria, laundry, Rockridge sushi boat dinner, BB groceries.
 Sun didn't sleep well, tense, restless mind - stayed in bed till ~9, pbj/salad - head for Reyes > Nicasio > box of CDs for Mike to look through before book shelf > Pt Reyes Station for sandwich/coffee drink/apple > use park restroom (digestion discomfort lately, good to get that done) > Meadow trail to Wittenberg - took side trail through field, lovely views of Drake's Bay > perfect weather, late summer hot sun cool breezes sun just beginning to get lower > sat, meditated looking at Drake's, stretched left arm w/pinched nerve (?), rested in grove > easy walk, beautiful day - mind working overtime about work - slowly getting a grasp of how much it is about me, pushing back, fighting, wanting to win, insisting on being respected > on the 'rightness' of my position.
 Reciting serenity prayer > I can't change the system > I can change my perceptive and attitude, watch out after my own health > considered "I care for you" diety at work but maybe I am my own, caring for myself - stretching my arm, thinking healthy positive affirmations > last night & this morning massaging soothing balm into top left arm pain point > might be helping?
 Upcoming Dallas training will be fun. I will do my bit well. Imperfect at first > better with experience. It is not my whole life > when I leave it is my life. Enjoy. :-)
 I thought, yesterday, while stressing, at Nicasio: I am headed to Reyes, just dropped CDs off with Nicasio person, IM'ing with K (photos from rock show), and Nuria (detailed discussion erotic book plate I shared, one of who's bodies looks like hers). How cottage w/Buff & DJ keeps us in contact with K > how it's all good and interconnected. Don't worry. Be happy.
 Breath. Heal myself. Be good to myself. Don't worry about future or past > if I'm doing well right now, then life is good. Kiss joy as it flies.
 Sexy IMs w/L in evening.
 work stress is real - maybe valiums from doc for Dallas trip, to help me sleep?
 Life is good - I am healthy, sane, energetic > 5 miles up Wittenberg yest, plus sitting meditation, laying in grove, brought good food with me, properly dressed and prepared. And schedule was flexible - got there ~1? Didn't even check time. This tells me things are going well, and many problems I think I'm facing are in my mind. Iain is another cog in machine, doing his job, I am doing mine, ino right nor wrong, no moral issues, no abuse > just me saying
 'Hey! This part is about to break, ease a bit! Here's an alternative solution. That's my job - to inform them. I have done my job. Now up to them. Don't prepare to argue any more > I am over-prepared and upsetting myself for nothing. There's no gain, no benefit in upsetting myself anymore. Let's see what they do.
 Yes. Breath deep. I am loved and cared for. Losing Gil & Sooz moving away is a hard loss, and I feel more vulnerable and lonely - but there is still much good in my life. Stacey and Gil's family's pain is way worse, just for perspective. Don't overplay my hand in my own head. My life is good.
 Yes. Good. Be good today.

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 Sat Sep 16.17 nm
 Wk early & alone Wed/Thur w/both R&afternoon guy out  (sick Dad/headache respectively) - tiring, stressful, got it all done. Reminds me I am not only one with problems - plus just had 4-day relaxing weekend w/Eric, so had energy. OT, too - we are no longer struggling to keep it to 8hrs/day - let it pile up - that will help w/moral and balance lack of raises - talk to WL HR if there's a prob. Also, WL/HR guy said they'll take care of Oct Dallas flight/hotel - that's also a relief. Sigh. I can do it - job and WC training - always remember to love/take good care of my health, even if it means pushing back against being asked to do too much. Protecting myself from burn-out comes first.
 ~9hrs sleep - feeling okay.
 This week was all about work - work, eat, shower, shit, sleep. No plans this weekend - rest the head, go through work CDs, match CDs to cases, leave at Nicasio, laundry, groceries, tidy cottage, the usual. Yard could use a few hours trimming. I've been neglecting - B/DJ doing some. Been worrying about future - recent grief-related body aches make me think about health, aging, and stress about no 1-day trips to LA pitting me against two large companies, reminds me of my vulnerability - my usual focus is on my strengths and how doing my job well gives me a lot of freedom of movement etc at work - but lately it's all negative because I've said no to this one thing to preserve my health. Not a good feeling. Do not get angry. Do not get emotional. Leave anger and outrage out of it. They are not Daddy, and this is not a Daddy issue - it's a health issue plain and simple - I can't do what they ask without burning myself out, leaving me unable to perform my other tasks effectively. Offer solutions; compromise - don't overstate, or express moral outrage - I will get no sympathy or positive response because everyone is asked/forced to exhaust themselves for greater good of company/co-workers - but don't compromise my health. Period. There. Good.
 Keep these points in mind for work.
 Dallas doesn't seem so bad - fly down Mon - sleep - 2.5 days training - OT feels okay - doing an LA video conf training later this month - if it works well may resolve 1-day LA trips. For all I know they've already decided to go for that ,and not told me. Leave it alone, Ball's in their court. Leave it there. My life is in my court - live it, deal with it, call Mom, Skype w/Karen - focus on my life - not issues best left for work to figure out.
 Oh yeah.
 I am feeling unsettled, disconnected from my life - too much time stressing about work, unknowable, things I can't control, new thoughts based on experiencing death of best friends. Ruins my Joie de vivre. It's okay - it is okay - I'll settle down - my life is good. Enjoy it.
 Yes. Good. Be good today. This will be a good day.
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 Wed Sep 13.17 nm
 Stressed and unhappy about work - I want to get in an easy groove, but Taf & Jeff quitting, big upcoming training, and as yet unresolved LA trips stressing me out - that's life, everyone is working extra hard and not getting raises. So I'm 63, so I slow down - I can find ways to make it work. Have fun in Dallas. Breath in confidence and strength, breath out fear.
 Randy emailed last night, saw it this morning, Dad not well, not in today - I did not hop up and run in - no - I need, in spite of everything, to take care of myself - it's not as if B&WL have shown appreciation or returned loyalty I've shown.
 R not in Mon before Tues DAL trip - so I might open at 7, lv ~noon, flight @ 4? arrive 7 - hotel by 9. Might work. But Jesus - long day.
 Was gonna book flight today, but need R's support - sigh. Shit.
 Mexican sandal down leg shot from N.
 Okay - 8am - showered & breakfasted. 2hr call w/S last night.
 Boy - my work attitude is terrible - overworked, underpaid, underappreciated - okay - that's life in big capitalist city - but lack of control of LA trips despite everyone recognizing how exhausting they are, available options, compromises, all to save company a couple hundred bucks on my back, is demoralizing. Fuck it.
 1979 Berkeley by Hope

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 "yes I like your body I would like to see more of it and I would like to see the painting"
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 Mon Sep 11.17 7:30 hm
 Easy driving to/fro, no big names we care about at Jazz/Blues, perfect weather - didn't drunk much, danced a little, blonde wailer n a tight red dress Beth Hart and her rockabilly guitarist were fun - shared couple joints with individual, started up a couple in river - different now that it's legal, I got a mild fun buzz, E got a bit drunk Sun afternoon - hung out, evenings watched Deadwood episodes, sushi breaks, Mexican dinners, smoothie breakfasts, more from lobby - medicinal sleepy pot, good digestion, fair sleep - Fri we brought work stress with us, bled into Sat, by Sunday feeling pretty good, Mon morning real nice - yes - it only lacked a band to get excited about, something we have history with, or can say "We saw so-and-so!"; in every meaningful way it was great - long weekend in river valley, eating, drinking, wandering, sitting in cottage lazy-boys, redwood grove porch view - oh my -  doing as we pleased - Mexican clothes vendors I got pants/shirt from at Accordion fest there, got another shirt/comfy shoes. Couple beers both days - no prob - sipping the beer and eating food took care of it.
 Brought pillow and quilt, food - IMs/photos with several people - L, N, K - N sent requested back pic - language barrier hazard, subtleties lost - we both said, should not be be so afraid of discomfort. Ask for what we want, say what we like, cards fall where they will. We are having fun, best is to let it flow - there's no tomorrow - it may hurt, we may be confused - dark flat pic of back - thank you, she says don't have to say thank you - she does it for her - makes sense.
 Knees were bothering me this week, worried about twisting, Eric suggesting supplement sposed to be good for joints - instant placebo effect - fuck - this worries me a little - what am I missing? Am I acting out in ways I do not recognize?
 Bain & WL do not care at all about my health - saving couple hundred bucks outweighs everything else, my health, my comfort - they will look at my value and realize it's worth keeping me, and work things out so I'm comfortable. End of story. It's all cool - getting upset about their lack of concern for my health will drive me nuts - "Forget it, Jake. It's Capitalism!" Don't take it personally - it's not personal to them, at all! Strictly business.
 Good relaxation - self indulgence - showed up early, cottage ready @1pm - lovely drive home down coast - whales - flukes! feeding! Orcas! What a trip and treat. Beautiful afternoon - not too hot, sunny and slight breeze, no to light traffic.
 Brandy in flask, sipped now and then just for fun - didn't feel it much, dumped last few snorts into grass front of cottage.
 This psychological pain business - what's best approach, understanding - utilize, with prayer, affirmations etc - without getting stupid.
 Packing for fest went well - all unpacked now - Bowl for groceries - Stilton cheese snack, gave big slab to Buff/DJ, snacked on some w/crackers. Soup / bread dinner? Cool.
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 Fri Sep 8.17 nm
 In/out early all week, for new hire morning training/photos - missed Sooz call Thu night - focused on taking it easy, not draining myself before music fest weekend, so feeling pretty well-rested - slept ~10:30-7:30am -. LA requested video conference training end-of-Sep, so that's positive - emailed WL HR Fri asking when is discussion with WL admin about job description?; LA vid conf may render that unnecessary(?); best be settled/finalized - don't want 1-day LA trips coming up again. Good to have that all settled/pressure off me. Still, I made a decision, approached it professionally, stated my position logically/coherently, stood my ground - I win. well done. Stressful, uncomfortable - that's part of process, tests seriousness/integrity of the position.
 I win. Interesting experience. Learning.
 Doing pretty well about letting go - mentally - chill-out - almost 5 days off - needed and good timing - not bringing any work bullshit with me. WL messing up my paychecks, got that settled - can start punching in-and-out more randomly, get a little OT in there - cool!
 Let go of Nur this weekend - this is about me, Eric, river valley, people at fest. I don't really want to engage w/N that way anyway I think. Photo tease was confusing us - okay trade-off? Pics, flattery, excitement in exchange for emotional confusion? Well, yes - when it caught us unawares - but I think we would not consciously choose it; anyway, now we understand what happened, it can't happen again, because no spontaneity. If we chose to do it, then it's a relationship. Maybe. The part of my humanity that wants not to be alone, a companion, etc, is in pain reminded by this unexpected contact and arousal, juices flowing. Give it even more time. It hurts. I keep wanting to ask for something which is not what I want - I want to ask for photos, when what I want is the person. A gift of photos I tell myself will ease the pain - but that's not so - as pain goes, this is hardly worth the name - but it's sad. I'm sad.
 Okay. Sadness - only my share. Let's not dwell or make too much of it.
 Clear my mind. All is well.
 8:50am - home now, smoothie, pack, shower - leave ~11am? Nice. Looking forward to it. Lucky, healthy, happy, not being in a relationship allows me much freedom, hanging with a friend for 3 days. I am a lucky bastard, have worked hard for what I have, admitted my weaknesses, made amends for my thoughtlessness and cruelty, admitted my anger, grievance, resentments. Tried my best. Been given the gift of loving humans unreserved. Fortunate.
 Be here now.
 Yes! Good! Today will be a great day! Looking forward to this fest all year, is almost better than the event itself. Keeps a still center of joy in my heart.
 $500 from bank yesterday - took Rockridge BART home, coffee on sidewalk table, cheese, prosciutto from market, sushi boat/sake - stroll home. Dig it. Sit at corner College / Alcatraz, I always remember blonde sexy-smile art girl photos, in small white room, with extreme direct sunlight, too embarrassed  / shamed at my arousal to take erotic photos - well I did some, but did not address it directly, then she took b&w negs - which, okay - because they weren't that good.
 Pot, 1/2 painkiller, MBV Loveless, light show, Duke Nuken walkthroughs, tootsie pops, made for a very relaxing evening. :-)
 Ordered Peter Cushing autobio from Amazon.
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 Tues Sep 5.17 hm 7:20pm
 Back on fb - gonna keep private photo group but not post nudes - or only post censored versions? Lay low. Members said nice things, made me feel good about my little group. Friendly vibe, models in group willing to acknowledge themselves in photos means a lot to me, people meet, Australian rocker likes Colleen photo, asks directly for permission to use on CD, artists I've met through Frida pic learn more about who I am. It's high value. I dig it. Shelley Barn ette sees her pic on '77 hillside, gets attention for her youthful flowering, sees where it fits in my art, and in our lives/shared experience. Some models get positive attention anonymously. This is all seriously cool stuff. No just me getting shame-free validation & attention for my efforts, but a small community of sorts. I'm not a great artist, but there's some talent, beauty, and visible struggle to do something fine. So leave it up, and post non-nudes.
 Download fb site today, in case.
 8-4:30 Tue-Thu: Whole day taking/formatting/uploading photos, welcome flyers, then updating hand-outs, printing for 26 people. Many - most? - have been at B before. Forget that - it's just a job, do my best, leave out some extras & ppt etc., focus on tables/charts. Then another training w/smaller group Thurs am.
 Then long weekend in cabin, porch, redwoods, meals, chill out, music, river - yes - cool.
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 Mon Sep 4.17 II home 8:15pm
 Shower, pack, call Mom ~10:30 - lv ~11:10 - almost empty tank, filler up - easy traffic to Pt Reyes; salmon sushi while driving, when parked mideast salad/water, feel too full - yucky - decide feel too yucky for 5miles hike, hang in Ranger center, walk short earthquake trail, Pt Reyes Station ~1? Book store, wander, grocery store for berries, start to rain (!?!), after 100degree everyone is like WTF? IM w/K about E's demands, J/lice/shaved head, etc. Send photos to K, Nuria, Eric -
 Feeling crummy all day - just, not happy - not bad bad - a lot of it I think is anticipating pressure to do 1-day LA trips. Nicasio ~3:30, good seat 2nd row left center, Sons of Champlin - he looks kind of bad, but music is greater/cheers me up, 3 Juicy Lucy's throughout day, chicken BBQ, give 1/2 away to guy sitting nearby 'cause I'm full - glad he accepts. Happy 6-s peace and love music - and they are so good! Damn.
 Easy drive home, Derek Dominoes - last summer BBQ of 2017 - 3-day week - 3 nights/days in Guerneville cabin for music fest. End of summer blues? But low on horizon warm light lovely. Thank you Sooz for the great life-changing car.
 It's fun after years of exploring, driving around, hanging here and there, spontaneous wandering.
 Back on facebook ~5am - then what?
 Some sad weepiness - I think it's about Gil. Life seeming a pointless repetition and all. I think I'm depressed.
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 Mon Sep 4.17 nm
 Feeling awfully victim-y - partially being at 63 learning awful truth: we don't get to retire - ever - we work work work till we die - simple- ; we do more work without raises - we're all in same boat - so don't embarrass myself and irritate people by crying about my poor ass.
 I work harder than I need to - so I have control there. Relax. Show up - do my job - go home and relax, enjoy my cottage, friends, food, health. I need to keep telling myself this. I'm gold. Relax at work. Boy, but that thought, anxiousness comes on - I have been trained all my life to work hard. Okay - so work hard - but not to prove a anything to myself  - there's nothing to prove - if I work hard let it be because I enjoy challenge.
 Hot again today - up till midnight, probably woke ~4 and snooze/flopped till ~8. Ice cubes in my smoothie -
 - Fb responded to my protest - my impression is fb will not come searching if no one complains. If I post no more nudes probably be okay. Still - post an announcement, start removing more revealing shots, remove some recently added high school people, ask anyone who might be offended to please leave group. But! - point of group was safe place for nudes - if they are all removed, might as well make it public? Hmm.
 9:20 - shower, BB will be closed - get more smoothie fixings Tues after wk.
 A bit weary - but Mideast salad etc - easy 5mile Bear Valley/Wittenberg/PBJ - same as last week - could be good - fresh air/exercise always good.
 Re-read an IM to Matthew Davis (Mass GT friend) about Gil's death - man, I was a mess. I knew I was knocked down, but maybe having months to prepare, months of fucked-upness about it - when I was even further down, did not realize where I was at. Owch. Thank you, Karen, for pointing out that even so, I was also supporting her, Sooz, Stacey - helping others helped me by taking my mind off my own misery.
 Feeling a little lost - loss of Facebook community? Daily likes and all. Remember, this is intentional - cutting loose - only keeping those that are real. More to life than Facebook "friends", politics, and new technologies (phone).
 K - home - shower - call Mom? - lv ~11 for Reyes.
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 Sun Sep 3.17 home 7pm
 Huh - few small swallows of brandy from flask - soon after motivation fled - ~2 deep nap, bad hot air? listened to body, wake ~3, wank, reheated beef/bean soup - Telegraph for mocha frap - People's Park yuchh - stroll up Telegraph, through campus, loop west & back through Sather Gate - pics to K & Nuria -
 - Student Union stairs catch my attention - how similar campus looks - sit, sifting through memories for specifics, then realize date - Sep 3 - 44th anniversary of leaving home - Sept 3, 1973, Sept 3rd month of Summer - I remember 3s. 9th month (3x3), I was 19. Lots of time of those stairs. Met Shelley B on those stairs. Sitting there, or walking/driving past Church on Haste used to fill me with emotion - now, just - huh - there - yes - I survived - deeper feelings than I realize - different type of reaction as I age, less excitable - but it mailed me there for a while - part of my life history. Deep connection to that spot. My spot.
 IM'd Lo, Parri & K. Would have told Gil.
 Back down Telegraph, Japanese $1.50 shop: bottle brush, aloe container, car sunshade snacks -, take pics of Mediterranean & Moe's, send to Parri - she bummed their closed. BB for salad, soup for tomorrow's hike - hoping to do 7mile before Sons of Champlin BBQ. Me and my 60s stuff. Well, it was one of the major cultural events of the century and of my generation - natural that I and many others tried to hitch a ride. I am what I am. Despising myself, comparing myself negatively to others, is a loss of energy - I did best I could, so I won. Thought of that on campus stairs today - I did it, I came out, stayed, had no choice, had heard that after 1-year residence one could got to school for free (thanks Ted white), I just got under line before Prop 13 killed that. Almost everything grows out of that: Eric, Scott, Gil, Karen, Xo, Buff/DJ, job, marriage, cottage, Suzanne, car. Fuck. If I wanna look at it that way - it worked. I came out, went to school; my life is built around those experiences: networks, connections. Fuck me. Won.
 Cool. Good. Life is a gas.
 People who seemed to have more charm, natural abilities for survival - seemed - seemed - what did I know? I was envious of anyone who had a clue. I had no clue. Who knows their reality. I got lucky. Got by with a lot of persistence (which was, as Alex Chilton said, simply not knowing what else to do) and a little help from my friends.
 Enjoy it while I got it. This is good. Happy & healthy. No complaints. Right? Right. I die tomorrow. Don't matter, I have this now.
 44th anniversary of leaving home. Visited Student Union stairs. Shared Telegraph pics with a friend from those years. Life.
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 Sun Sep 3.17 nm
 I have already won.
 Hmm - seem to have slept well last night: bed towel a bit flipped, not spun into a sweaty snake to one side. Clean bed clothes/late night shower always a good thing. Laundry, groceries, even quarters - it pleases me to have a jar of $170 in quarters. Tom's black ceramic jar full of quarters, Mary's inlaid Russian wood cup dinosaur balls etc. I keep gifts from Mary & Tom close - I *have* gifts from Mary & Tom. Think it over.
 Quiet on fb this morning - what is life without facebook? Not posting every day or so for attention - not having to decide on new cover photo, or entertaining post. Clear view. Of the morning.
 Up ~7:30, comfy - smoothie in balmy backyard, sunlight comes through warms west view flora - peaceful - breath into my anxieties - some may be, what with Gil dying, feeling myself moving into concerns about old-age, unemployment, loss of health. I breathed confidence into areas of fear. Next week trainings - always bit of stress - that's normal and okay. 25+ people for 3.5hrs on Wed - get it done, do hard work, skip Frida stuff/Design, dig into ppt/company app. Less fun and self-indulgence, more giving them what they need.
 Still collecting sub pics of LR; no response to IMs. Breath in. Breath out.
 At work: stop worrying, enjoy, don't be afraid, focus on positive - people who enjoy and admire me, perks, view, free food and coffee - breath in confidence; worrying/nervousness accomplish nothing; don't work so hard! They can't take my savings, turn my friends against me, kick me out of my cottage, take my car, take away my serenity/self confidence, take away my mind or history - they can't touch me. They can fire me - that's it. Their only power. That power has to overcome my power:  17yrs experience, lead west coast trainer, high-value reputation with all the right people. Fair fight. Fuck'em. Yayyy Robert! It's between WL & B now - let them work it out.
 Bosses - necessary evil.
 One day without facebook - no difference except maybe a more open mind free time unstructured no-focus on what to post. This is good. But save photo group. Make it me only - take out all nudes - re-open. No problem.
 I - I - I - flap - flap - flap. Flapping a little - way past worst of it: last week's making it personal, putting myself in position of bullied at work. I can choose my battles. No battle here. There is no battle here. There is just: I'm exhausted/burning out, it's about to get worse, so I am doing right thing, bringing it to HR's attention, in a professional, positive, problem-solving manner. Total win for everyone. I've learned how to do it. Cool.
 My battle was with myself - if and how to say 'no' - courage to stand and speak-up for myself - who to talk to. I wanted to fight it out myself, but there was no one to fight - no visible opponent - too many choices. How do I win? So I was thrashing about in my mind, fighting myself. Sent note and info to I @B, cc'd Tracey in TOR, WL HR folks. Now they have all seen what's up, including fact that I went to doctor about burn-out. Let them talk it out and decide if it's worth accommodating my health concerns.
 I have already won.
 Working at Bain has been an amazing learning positive experience - so lucky to work in that friendly exciting environment. Current issue with over-work/burn-out ought not to threaten my position. Ought to provoke thinking, review, forward-thinking solutions that work for everyone.
 Soon this will be resolved, and I wonder if all this writing about it will look boring in the future? Point is it helps me to write it out. So - boom.
 Gonna be a hot one - do Bear Valley tomorrow before Sons BBQ. Today... ? Olampoli? Tilden? 9am - now what?
 Sat pm, man - memory foggy - heat frying my brain - after laundry, hankering for fried rice meal, WF for hot bar - eat chicken rice veggies on patio - Buff & DJ in backyard at home, Buff friendly as always - I am withdrawn - work on reaching out from behind wall of Gil Death Hurt. Oh, haha - got a $10 bottle of Christian Brothers brandy, filled flask (from Oregon vacation), had one sip. Just - a thing I want to experience - a flask, a sip. Careful.
 I have already won.
+++++
 Sat Sep 2.17 nm
 I dunno - and Randy at work doesn't seem worried about LA trips - but he's been wrong about other stuff, assuming Bain would take care of our Dallas flights etc. Trust my instincts, but relax and love life.
 Was feeling empty and bad this morning - partially heat and dehydration, sleep lack - and Nur i a flirtation making me miss a relationship. It's like a sickness. It's going like I want - nudes if they fit as part of online friendship, not forced or even requested, unless time feels right.
 Drive to bank for $200 quarters - fucking HOT! - 100+ - dry, smoggy, smoke from fires - Telegraph, mochas frap from Peets, book store where Cody's used to be, couch, re-read photo book of Casablanca - weepy - "No one ever loved me that much." waillll weep weep weep - hahaha - Amoeba records - considered a $130 re-issue of Sgt Pepper with how we did it CDs, movies and bog fat book by Paul McCartney. Then forgot about it - but would be $350 worth of fun.
 At book store, thought, felt alone, also that that was okay - I should be feeling alone! Gil & Sooz are gone, loss of Scott connections leave me more isolated, and I've chosen that. Chose to move on and let go of the music scene that never was all I made of it,  but served a purpose to avoid despair. Real part: photos, tours, lights, roadie'ing, occasional companions, prestige, cool'ness, sex, drugs, names to drop, leather jacket etc fed the youthful hedonist gang network needs. Met Karen and all that implies. See. Some of it is real. But it is now, not then.
 So it's okay to feel alone, unsatisfied, not need 70s-870s music long hair blue jeans bohemian lifestyle now. Deal with it.
 Loneliness might be scary - but it's honest - maybe will lead to real movement and decisions - living on illusion and dreams will not get me far.
 On way home groceries, IM w/K, asked Eric to post note on my page about 3 day time out, check in with Bobby who's bro got killed and she is suffering, thanked XO for UK candy. Sushi box lunch, ~5:30 smoothie and laundry. Cool. Get things done. Feeling better. sweating like crazy. Lots of water please - I'm slugging it down/hardly peeing at all. No facebook is no problem.
 I'm in control. Cool.
+++++
 Sat Sep 2.17 nm
 Lordy - a bit hot - 100+ yesterday, woke ~4am, checked fb, 3-day facebook time-out, someone either accidentally, or a new person I added who didn't like nudes (if so, my bad, should have asked, but no way to know) complained about Britney's nudes on private members-only fb group. I've pushed back, it being a private group, but rules seem to say no nudity anywhere, even in private group. No prob - no need to fb this weekend (unlike say when Gil was sick), I can still IM, all my 'best' photos I wanted people to see have been up now for years - so mission accomplished - and a fb break can only be good. Let go.
 Got into bad mood Fri - and last night - heat and dehydration -
 No plans Sat-Sun - quarters from bank - groceries - too hot for Tilden? Later afternoon maybe? Gah.
 IMd w/Nuria - through some discomfort - sexy photos, do they turn me on - joke question, but I answered, nt used to come. Isador Duncan & Rodin. Fun stuff.
 Better to hang onto phony 'friends' and scene, or dump, prepare for reality, give real friends quality attention, honest, trusting version of Robert we all deserve. Questions answers itself. I do not know Steve Wynn, CVB, etc - Jonathan a little - very little - shared grief - yeah - move on from past, stop following Dream Syndicate, CVB etc. They are not my scene, nor my taste in music - don't be bitter, it all serves a purpose - no need to be angry, cut them of - just, be real. Scott is dead. There's no more need for my Scott photos - they should go to Kristine. Davis bands - sure, some fun college memories for me - an important time in  my life, painful as it was, more painful without it. Life and learning, being forced to face reality that there is no 'art career', no hidden jobs waiting for me to stumble upon - but I got a job that uses my desire to fix, design, problem solve (after years practice trying to solve me and family haha).
 Good timing on fb break. Maybe good timing on closing private page. All the good stuff already done. Good. Move on.
 But it was a place for my friends/acquaintances/art-Frida people, from different times of my life to be in one place - and for that, I mourn. Bummer.
 Okay - bank - groceries/lunch - drink lots of water! Eat!
 Yes! Good! Today will be a good day!
 Think positive!
 Note: I am not thinking about LA trips - may be background anxiousness - but some success in leaving it for Bain & WL to work out.
+++++
 Fri Sep 1.17 nm
 Sweaty night, up ~3 and not great sleep but okay - work stressing me out, mainly training business coming up -
 But - LA trips between Bain & WL - let them sort it out, be available, professional, positive in seeking solution. Contact WL and let them know you are concerned to get decision going, again offer to help anyway I can. Positive positive positive. If there's a solution, there is no problem. If Iain approached me, ask him politely to contact WL HR. Solution - no problem. Relax. Iain has a job, which is to ferret out waste - HR has a job which is protect workers from bring ground down by the machine. I do my job, and let them do theirs. Tah-dahhh!
 Noticed on fb I was posting stuff from childhood: catechism, dinosaurs on beach - reverting to childhood helplessness where adults make the  decisions? Dunno - just noticed...
 Caught up w/Tessa - some Larry Clark and move 'Love' pics and gigs to several folks including Nur i a - light contact - I think we were both feeling anxious to get to know each other better - learning we need to be patient, accept what comes...a thing. Watch it unfold.
 Short day - yay - free Sat/Sun - Sons BBW Mon... then short week and long Guerneville weekend. Oh man, so looking forward to it. A good positive thing - I am fortunate to experience it - small pat on shoulder Bob, I went out, got it, did it, asked Eric along.
 Don't forget to get hotel for WEF - call and find out when rooms become available.
 Finished UK candy from Xo/K last night - don't seem to be experiencing sugar crash - diff sugar from US candy?
 Stressing at wk yesterday, about DAL trip, who pays for tickets etc - 3-4 bags of pretzels, bowl of cereal, bags of peanuts... catch myself when I do that, walk around, drink water instead.
 K - up @6:30, smoothie, shower, dress, Nomad - got an extra hour sleep this morning - lots of free time makes me anxious - but hey - work in yard, clean cottage always good, re cover holes in shower stall, get negatives out for work scanning. Life is good. Great job. Honestly, don't worry about raise too much - not many people getting them, and quality of job and perks count for a lot! Ask for it, put the info out - but don't get personal. Strictly business, professional. No emotional it's not fair, nor threats real or implied. But do put word out, so it's on record. Yes. That is correct.
 See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend.
+++++
 Thu Aug 30.17 nm
 Slow work day - nice! - on fb private photo page, I think on the fb titty algorithm notice someone is checking nudes as 'wrong', and they're being censored - sigh.
 Sent N u r i a Larry Clark nudes & her head on Frida w/gun - even tho was 'past' initial arousal after bathtub nudes from 10 days ago, took a little longer to feel sure I was not sharing while secretly hoping to get more nudes, which I really - well, mainly - don't want outside some kind of communication or artistic context. I would love some artsy nude selfies, to see what she does w/her body. Naked pics of body are fine and enjoyable on a narrow level - but then it ends, once you've seen 'everything' - what is left? In this case potential for them used for us to get to know each other better is most important and fulfilling.
 Tracey N at work booked hotels, will fly out Monday - good. Was concerned they fly me out at 4am. Okay - I'll see a little of Dallas, have a few days off work, learn stuff that puts me in a powerful position - but money talks - push for compensation adjustment.
 After work groceries - fruit, soup, bread - ate box of Turkish Delight from K&Xo in bed. Yum!! Wed am found small working lamp on Shattuck corner - cool!
 My Job: I'm underpaid. Yes, of course, that's whole point of out-sourcing. At 63, with my financial record, cannabis use, etc work could be hard to find - oh, maybe some temp stuff - . At job, I am comfortable and well-known, useful, healthy food buffet, bank, dentist etc close by - great view! Fun walks through San Francisco after work. Close to BART. Lots of good learning opportunities, and - yes - prestige. Free food, coffee, snacks - the photography, interesting learning events, etc - being lead west Coast 'expert' trainer -
 - so add it up - along with video editing, scanning, photoshopping my own stuff, being able to use phone for personal stuff, and still have time to give 100% to my work -
 It is not wise to push for compensation, to draw attention to myself, encourage them to take a long cold look at me and ask, is this guy worth it?
 So, okay - ask - but don't be pushy, be pleasant - find solutions - more PTO? 
 But when thinking about compensation, remember how sweet this position is, that it allows me to help support Karen and XO - Do It For Her - I tell myself I might be willing to die for her - will I continue to work, even if underpaid, for her? Okay - yes - but - still, make my case for more compensation, and if it does not happen, don't work myself to point of burn-out. I have been chilling a bit more at work - less stress - and that does seem to be helping. (Also getting past Trauma of Gil's death). Visit Stacey - this weekend?
 ...
+++++
 Wed Aug 29.17 nm
 I'm an old man - when will I accept it? It's not okay to compliment women's outfits clothing at work. Stop. It's okay to say no to trips to LA. It's okay to be sad and worried about being old and alone. It's okay to live in the moment, be happy, count my blessings. It's okay to be sad about never seeing Gil again, hearing his laughter, sharing memories. It's okay. Enjoy every breath. Love my friends. Accept their love. Take pride in a job well done, and well-recognized. Ask for an increase in compensation.
 Ask for an increase in compensation.
 Ask for a raise.
 I am not a great artist, but better perhaps than I know. But it's intuitive - so rather than force myself to photoshop looking for the next Frida montage - just keep working, giving myself opportunities in which to work. Music? Guitar? Clothing? But whatever - I may die today, and if I have a few seconds to watch my life pass by - I can say: I did some impressive work, used my full potential, did it my way, earned acclaim from talented friends and acquaintances, had some successes - a couple of big ones - have been contacted by people from around the world because of it. My documentation of a talented song writer gave his post-mortem attention more power and depth.
 I was not one of the stars - but I worked closely with them and had their trust. I'm a good person, so far as it goes.
 What's next? Scott said, I fill my days with work because I'm lazy. Fearful of free time. Get a hobby? wander the streets lonely. Take up smoking? Rely on one friend? What the fuck.
 Bucket list. Bucket list.
 Look it in the eye. I can do this. Be here now.
 All's good long as I have my health. Otherwise, don't stress small stuff.
 I could look at Gil, weeks from death, say 'I never got drunk and made an ass of myself, so I have nothing to offer.' and they both laughed. Point was, after many years humiliation of being me, I could joke dryly without embarrassment about it, show serenity, indicating to him that I had found peace, that that stuff doesn't matter; there's no sense beating himself up about it.
 Okay - quiet w/Nuria, we check in say hello, but difficult to really get to know each other the way we want - be patient - opportunities may arise, but maybe blow in the coals, say hello - avoid flattering to get nudes. Let it be. Let go. My mind desirous of pleasure still wants to internet gf her. Don't.
 All is well. All is well.
 I have said no to 1-day LA trips, and asked for raise. Ask again.
 Phone call w/Sooz last night. K coming back from TED Tanzania today.
 3-1/2-day weekend coming up
 3-day week
 4-day weekend in Guerneville with Eric and music fest background.
 This is good.
 Scars of feeling unwanted through childhood remain all one's life; if being around family who do not treat me with respect is painful, keep my distance. Protecting myself is not a sign of weakness, it is self-love. I stayed away from Dad, when he reacted to my reaching out with defensiveness and veiled insults, I continue to stay away - but got close enough we could exchange hugs and say I love you. Win. Family is tough, but answer is not necessarily to suck it up, grow thick skin, spent time with people who are unable to control their instinct to treat you badly. Fair. Win.
 Breath deep. Every day I win. Every day I can find serenity inside. every day count my blessings of love, friends, low rent, yard, job I enjoy (!!!), toys, etc.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.
+++++
 Tue Aug 29.17 nm
 With Gil dead (and Scott) I am indeed cutting myself off from musical connections on fb - no need - many of them I partially followed to se Gil's comments - also got turned onto fun music, and music lore - but let's not make pop music too much of my life's focus - it was a thing I followed for cultural/identity/entertainment/companionship & other reasons - I see its purpose/value - excellent - saved my life - got to be cool - got to work with talented interesting people, make friends, see my photos widely published, team to root for/tag along with - gang to join - black leather and club tours - a shared task - how cool was that? But I have no more connection with GT members and scene members etc. except ancient memories. Gil & Scott were the best of us, glue that made tolerating each other worthwhile. For an introvert like myself, lacking that glue I'd prefer to step away and pay more attention to actual friends I can count on.
 Mon: Cleared up the ADA confusion with WL HR - stood my ground, explained I think there's been a misunderstanding, PCP's note was not to say I had a disability, just my exhaustion/burn out had reached point I'd gone to my doctor about it; he was acknowledging what I'd said, asked whether it was wise to burn out employees to point they can not do their jobs well. WL HR backed down, said it was not a request for medical records; no need for ADA form - but will need to talk to WL people. Fine - happy to do it. Finally - after 18yrs - maybe I have an advocate.
 Work again mercifully slow - Randy says I will not have to use my credit card for flights to DAL and such - good.
 So - ADA business cleared up, flight payments cleared up, 1-day LA trips now between Bain & WL, feeling much more relaxed. Making it a debate between me & Iain was not healthy. Fucked me up this last week. Powerless David against Iain Goliath who can wreck my life. Well, I have power of persuasive words, facts, willingness to say no/accept consequences. Bad feeling. Now resolved. Let it go, let it fade, be happy, enjoy the day.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.
 I have list of names long as my arm who will vouch for my value.
 Started new Elmore Leonard 52 Pick-up - Roy Cohn's autobio was getting tedious, read 1/4 - deep deep junkie politics of 50s-70s. McCarthy hearings stuff was interesting!
 K in Africa. Enjoying candy from UK, Xo, K, watching Duke Nuken walk-throughs. Guilty pleasure. Pop culture is my culture.
 Short week - close 2pm Fri - 3-day weekend - annnnddddd!!! Sons of Champlin Mon BBQ; really looking forward to 4 days with Eric Guerneville cabin. Music is all good and well, but - it's about place, river valley, cabin in redwood grove, porch, grub, people - yes. Bunny hat? See how I feel. Makes me happy to think about - my annual music festival. Hippie lifestyle slight return.
 Slept well - hey! first time in a while, slept till 6:30 - because of resolution to work stresses, communicating w/people who actually listen to me (unlike Taf & Iain). Slept will 6:30 alarm, smoothie, shower, Nomad - 8:08am - work.
+++++
 Mon Aug 28.17 nm
 Possibly part of my emotional reaction is from feeling bullied by In's demeanor and "no"! negative pushback - refusal to hear logic and common sense, not to mention and show of concern for my well-being. So many other people show nothing but affection, support, appreciation - then this one guy right above me shows none of that. That's not his job. Stay away from him. Let WL HR & he work it out.
 Assume resolution in my favor - assume it will go well - assume I'll still be at Bain next year - assume logic and intelligence will shine through.
 For myself - stay away from it. I'm doing well - all is good - I feel great - Sun, at age 63 after coffee at wifi cafe, my idea of a good time is getting out early for healthy salad in car, 5 miles up a mountain through gorgeous summer woods, IM'ing photos to friends, followed by BBQ/couple drinks w/good live music in a backyard. Special event.
 All is well.
 My livelihood is not threatened.
 Yes to life. Don't worry. I am making to much of this. I felt bullied by Taf - but he was at heart a bully. Maybe In is, too, so stay away from him.
 Yes. Good. Today will be a good day.
 Today - at end of today - I will say this has been a good day. It will be challenging, because I am saying no to two large companies, and here I am a high-value resource but really a powerless nobody. They can wreck my life. But you have to draw the line somewhere. And this is mine. I have the power to say no, and then I have to accept consequences gracefully and without bitterness. Tough, but it can be done.
 No. No! No! No! :-)
+++++
 Sun Aug 27.17 hm 9pm
 Considered staying home, rough morning sleep and thoughts in knots - stop thinking about wk stuff! - I'm prepping for every angle - can't - stop!
 Left for Reyes ~10am, pbj/Mideast salad, gave Psycho & Rum Punch to Nicasio guy, ate salad in car in big blue plate, asked park headquarters about car keys in lost & found  - check online - 5 miles, nice, plenty of energy(!), arriving early I was downhill in woods during worst of heat wave - 3pm at Nicasio, salmon/pork, 2 top shelf margaritas, chat w/guy sitting next to me, Pablo Cruise was good! New added singer from Rogers Waters - band nice and tight! Hot but not too hot.
 Stop in on Robbie after for UK candy from Xo/Karen - talk about work situation - he said sounded like there was no chance of getting fired, to stand my ground, negotiate, do not budge from position  of no 1-day trips to LA, and continue to pHs solutions - get down there day before - and that it sounded like I was clinging to idea I could get fired, even tho there's none. Maybe. Playing victim. And Ian is hard to deal with when it's no no no to everything. But yeah - calm down - not going to lose job - but it is uncomfortable saying no. Well, now I'm learning how that feels.
 Sent trail pics to Nuria - we both say we want to get to know each other better.
 L has been very good listening to my mental knotted stress about work.
 They can't force me to do it. They can only threaten to fire me if I don't, and that is extremely unlikely. So chill. Stand my ground and all will go well.
 Yes more? Sat washed Camry w/bleach to remove mildew, then to car wash where I thanked man who suggested it; he grabbed brush and started scrubbing my car, until I gently took it from him. Moe's & Peets mocha Frappocino (!yum!!) on Telegraph - cruise N Berk (?), back to Berk Bowl for soup, jelly beans, etc - at home dealt with work stress by getting high, watching Duke Nuke'm videos, eating all jelly beans. Worked I guess.
 Shower now (sunscreen), and sleep.
 Good to get out. Stop thinking of Iain as an angry bully. He is not. He does not hate me. And he can't fire me. Done. Stand my ground. And bring more of my stuff home.
+++++
 Sun Aug 27.17 nm
 Mind still churning angry w/righteous indignation about LA trips - of course everyone at work is required to work to the bone and exhaustion - and I have - but I'm drawing line here because upgrades look to required many LA trips - woke at 4am again, snooze and mind running over scenarios. No one likes to say 'No' at work, puts a kink in smooth flow of energy through hose. Anyway, it's between WL & Bain now. Can't back off - they're going to want me to do LA trips, then SF training the next day. I have to say NO now to give everyone time to find a solution. Make that point.
 Let it go.
 If they terminate me because of this one request - that's hard to imagine - but if: they'd have to get someone to become expert in old and new company PPT, train 4 other companies, do video editing, theme creation, photography, West Coast new hire photo formatting & uploads. Yikes! I suppose anything is possible - but that sounds like cutting their own throats for no good reason. Could happen! I'm sure it's on table. Be prepared for anything. Everyone is expendable. Remember that.
 Don't let this paralyze me - it's 9:18 - I can go home, shower, bet at Reyes by 11:30 - have a good 3hrs+ for a Wittenberg stroll, then BBQ/music - sounds like right thing to do. Feeling frozen by my emotions is making myself a victim and martyr. Get a grip on myself. If it comes down to it, do LA trips, use PTO day after as necessary. If there's no choice - then it's not a lose. Find a way to make it a win - I can do this.
 If I can do divorce, DUI, AA, jobless, homeless and survive, I can certainly do this. :-)
+++++
 Sat Aug 26.17 nm
 Leave me not flog horse of LA trips further. I am upset emotionally to be in a situation where I can not control - even after 18yrs - my comfort and health; now am taking steps, awkward/uncomfortable as they are, to resolve situation. They've now asked for ADA form to be filled out -  which makes no sense since I don't claim to have a disability - and which gives "them" access to all my medical history.  I Pushed back after reading form, which is for situations where an employee is claiming a disab. This being opposite, I wrote asking for clarification, suggested instead a note from doctor stating I have no disabs. No immediate response.
 I expect she'll write back, ignoring my questions/solutions, say this is how it's done, just do it. I'll push back again. Do not be bullied:
 "I need to make important decisions about this issue which I understand may affect my status as employee of WL, and position at Bain. It is important I do with with full understanding of the facts. If you are not in a positions to respond to what I hope are reasonable and logical questions, and offers to find an easy solution, can you put me in touch with someone with whom I can discuss a resolution to this issue?"
 Anyway - enough - presumably my position is not in jeopardy - I figure B a i n would be loathe to fire an experienced trainer, esp so soon before major training period; so don't be thinking emotionally, angrily, thinking about utilizing contacts in office - that thinking is from stress & defensiveness - I have been weepy about this - I want to say, a painful reminder of how weak and helpless we are - but look! I am neither. I said no last year to Taf & made it stick despite his pressure - have not done LA trip for a year. Am now pushing back at national headquarters, offering my understanding of situation, offering smart, coherent solutions - doing my best to sound stressed &put-upon, but reasonable. HR has offered to help support me, make sure I feel taken care of. Neither Tracey nor SF GFX dept want to lose my experience during upcoming training/transition/style-app upgrades.
 So chill - let this run its course. But - turning over my medical records seems a bit much.
 Getting emotional does not help anything
. They want to keep me where I am - so don't get in the way of that while standing up for myself.
 Been weepy - need to get out from underneath this. Job is important; not as important as my health/serenity. It feel nightmarish to me - being forced to do a job that causes me such distress. Maybe caught up in my emotional connection to training - thing broke my heart most night of DUI - Jan 7 1997 - 20yrs ago - that I'd never be a teacher. I is important to me.
 Good to write this stuff down, clarify thoughts, step back from over-emotionalism. At work, emotionalism will be a hindrance; avoid it.
 Alright - been in a bad put-upon stressed mood at work - jabbering - letting events with Nur i a settle - feeling obligated to respond, reach out - but give myself all the time I need to et comfortable.
 Pablo Cruise Sun, Reyes hike beforehand > Fri <wk walked through Chinatown, helping tourists, to Union Sq - nice weather. Reheated Vietnamese soup @home > sleep ~10 watching Duke Nuke'm vids on Youtube, astounded at how many complex levels I know by heart - how much time I must've spent there! Yet enjoying the hell out of revisiting - so, what the hell - doesn't mean that time was ill-spent - for the time It was fun and what I wanted, part of our culture. I am not better. Face fact.
 Aside from the LA trip business, Gil death stress still on table > and feeling isolated > sinking in Gil & Sooz gone. We are all vulnerable > unless we are independently wealthy, it's a fact of life. Breath into it, don't get hung up and in a bag, enjoy all I got right now - right now is all we have.
 Be here now.
 I could do LA trips, and everyone will understand if I work from home next 2 days, or come in and am not fully coherent.
 We will find a solution. If there's a solution, it is not a problem. Leaving aside my personal feelings of aggrievement, there is no problem. So work on myself. Find my own peace. This is not a major crisis - it is a personal crisis because it pits me against employer - who appears all-powerful, and can wreck my life. Go ahead, I know you're dying to.
 ah hahahah
 Nur asked about my response to first artistic nude she sent, leg and breast to do painting from - why it was different from response to later bathtub pics. We will find things to talk about - let it happen organically - if not, then that is what is sposed to happen, tho it seems we both want this communication to work because it's fun. Okay - but don't cling.
 L has been good, listening to me stress about LA. Thank you.
 K in Tanzania for TED.
 Sooz enjoyed total eclipse.
 Buff gave me a book.
 I have a whole day off with no plans.
 Tomorrow free with hikes and music.
 Plenty of food, clothes, toiletries, yard, etc.
 Life is good. Don't let this one issue bring me down.
 I can do LA trips - I don't like it because it wipes me out, can't think clearly for days - on other hand, keeps me in touch with LA folks, get free meals, day off from ppt. So think positive. Many people at company are asked to work past point of exhaustion.
 Mom's birthday last week - I missed call - call his morning - Happy Birthday Mom! Another gold start in my life. Count blessings, accentuate positive, keep sunshine in my heart. Put string on finger to remind me to count blessings.
 Arrange to meet Robbie Sun to pick up UK candy - or see if he's free today?
 See - this is a great life. I am not as isolate as I think. If I fall - there are people who might be willing to help - if not catch - me.
 Bummed about expensive hotels on coast - but let's see if they drop to $75 in Fall - that works, too.
+++++
 Thu Aug 24.17 nm
 'ME 'photo book out - long IM w/Nuria Wed - both working through unexpected feelings - she for old selfies of young Robert, me for her? I guess? Which we both know is crazy - but expected - normal for this to happen - language barrier ad to confusion, but also to fun - it is fun, and uncomfortable desires which are not only unattainable, but undesirable will pass soon enough - no need to over-analyze. It is fun, okay.
 Noted that first nude selfies/penis pic are late 76, Shattuck Hotel, Berkeley - first erection pic not till two years later, Davis - of course back then it was negative film, pre everyone-has-a camera selfies - so fear of getting caught and shamed was intense! Internet has made porn common - back then much more shame.
 Anyway - I was feeling sad about Nuria, so was honest, and so was she - we know it's nuts and also normal, so we'll be fine. It's part of gateway - crush-y feelings for someone you barely know - to potential longer-term friendship. Man-woman friendships not always easy. Value it, treat with respect.
 She wishes we'd met in the 70s so maybe fun outdoor nudity and romance -I wish we'd met so I could have shot her nude, and who knows? Okay - so there's some emotions, but also some fun in this hiccup - so enjoy it! As she said, nothing bad can happen - we're safe - so enjoy this petite romance.
 Talked to Boston Williams-Lea HR lady about LA trips, sent doc note and other documentation. Maybe do the 1-day LA trip, then work from home 2 days? Might work. Develop a better attitude about Dallas training - freaking out about flight and being tired during training isn't helping. Do it, or don't. I think in my mind I will retire at 65 - barely 1,5 years from now - that is not necessarily true! It puts pressure on my push for raise - I need it now, because it may only last a year! Think long-term - if I get the raise 6mos from now, it will add up, maybe make it worth staying. someone else can do the training after I leave. I am not all that important. And setting up Video-Conf training situation could make working from home viable.
 No wifi at home - so will need to go to Nomad. For 8 hours. Weird, but an option. A band-aid.
 Also, say I have no credit card, and WL should pay for plane ticket..
 Mentioned compensation - she said up to Tim - or new dept head - which might not be for months. I could ask, assuming there will be an increase, that it be retro-active. Fair is fair.
 Meantime, working slower, less push, no more proactive training materials, no tips of week, slowing down on facepages. Etc. Making every job count for official time - 1hr per complex slide - is helping - avoiding burn-out if best for everyone. Slow... nothing to prove... chill... my best friend died, I had near-crippling body pain for 6 months - still some depression... do not overwork.. I am not healed from it - can I feel it? How was I a year ago - feeling happy and fulfilled at times- not recently... listen to my body - it is saying take it easy. I have given lots to work - now is the time to give back to me. Make this job easy as possible. Take some sick days. Seriously - seriously Robert - I am not at 100% and need mental and physical support.
 to work
+++++
 Wed Aug 23.17 nm
 Morning IMs from N explaining what happened, how she sent the pics Sun - okay - I am reacting defensively, like a jilted internet bf. Sad. So obviously I'm - involved, affected - best thing is to back off, take advantage of opportunity to back off, let go, not treat my hormones like reality. It was a one-time fun event, and we both know it is unwise to continue. Just because it's a big fast pretty train, doesn't mean it's not headed into a dark tunnel, ending in a brick wall. Take my memories of pleasure and settle down. The morning sunrise says: Move on. It was a one-time thing. A pleasant fluke. A one afternoon turn-on share. Anything that leads to so much confusion on our parts is probably not a good thing - there's no foundation for it. We though  -I thought - being artists might suffice, but sex/emotion alchemy - sex becomes emotion becomes confusion, and now defensive poutiness. Wise up. Beck off. Let go. Be a big boy, don't cling. Kiss joy as it flies.
 I have all the power here - do not avoid the internet - take my time, give myself space - at least this morning. I'm not sure there's anything more to say. Right now I'm not sure why she wrote what she wrote - and it doesn't matter if I don't understand - and I am not required to respond, esp if I have nothing to say. ha ha
 A little defensive. Chill. Breath. Eat good food. Get good sleep. Love myself. Photo-wise, I am not wanting anything specific from her. So. It's okay to let go and relax.
 Is future this may seem like nothing - but it is a good learning experience, about the power of romance, sex, covered holes of loneliness waiting to be filled.
 Sleep ~10pm, up ~6, snooze till 7. Remember to Skype Sooz Thurs.
 Last night 2x I posted then took down:

 I don't want to say stop just yet
 maybe we will learn from these experiences we just had
 and become more comfortable and have ways to deal with it
 with less confusion
 with less confusion
 
Who knows what's next? There's no right response. Be honest, keep eyes on that we are enjoying each others' contact. Don't ask for more photos. I have not done anything wrong; she is not saying I did. There is nothing to defend. Just - it is getting uncomfortable for both of u, we stepped into the realm, it was exciting and fun, but not right way forward. So we act like adults and stop. Anything more like that - keep carefully wrapped in artistic perspective. I don't need to tell her again I'd like more, because I've already said it.
 Okay - time for me - make bucket list: Good bike, Mexican cruise. Stretching, yoga. Cooking at home. Make my hippie fantasy of health and serenity a reality. I'm close enough to touch it. It can be done. I can have it, if I reach out to touch it.
 Oh - and - less time on politics - Trump's ugliness, America' systemic failure and eating itself is depressing - there's life to be lived - step away - Huffington post is one-sided lying garbage.
 Leaked Miley Cyrus selfies peeing!? Much better... :-D
+++++
 Tue Aug 22.17 bed 8:33
 Randy sick, in 6:45am, work slow fortunately - training Sheva temp, but fading -
 IM'd w/Nur - some confusion about photos she shared Sun - it's complicated - I saved IMS: sexy vs. artsy selfies.
 After wk 3:30, Chinatown, more IMs, cooling off - photos of store windows/exchanges while walking, on BART. I think we're on top of it. Never a good sign. Hah hah, It's fun; I like her. Language barrier is fun/frustrating. Walk to Union Square, Powell BART >
 > Rockridge BART > espresso at sidewalk table > nice > lovely weather, make note > sushi boat > down Alcatraz, cut north around neighborhoods > felt good, no weakness in legs/knees > knees getting better, I'm stress-testing them. That was fun getting off work early, walking through SF, then Rockridge to home - it's becoming a thing.
 No word from Tim on compensation. Iain will also contact Tim about no 1-day trips to LA. I again said Video Conferencing Option please. Sent Tim, Iain, Tracey doc note. Now they all know, since it seems neither Taf, Jeff nor Randy told him. Weirdoes.
 Okay. Cool. This day went well. Now, music, lightshow, subtle but nice pot, good fave music collection, deco lap on...
 How about a good bike?
 Save more. Finished Psycho - good! wow - now to Roy Cohn's autobio - good first 6 pgs... Kind if want to Skype Parri... Do it. Take a chance.
+++++
 Mon Aug 21.17 nm
 Okay to enjoy pics from Nur as exactly what they are - helps soothe a bit of lonely hole, adds a small spring to step, light in darkness - it is not at all same as L. But there is trust earned. Enjoy; don't make more of it than what it is; tho I'd like to think it innocent by virtue of sprinkled art pixie dust, it is us turning each other on a bit, enjoying being seen & accepted, enjoying compliments, she called them flowers - as adults, being honest to avoid causing harm, this is an okay thing. I am very blessed to be in a position to do this, under cover of art - artists can do this; others also, everyone shares selfies; as artists we, in addition to the turn-on & fun, share a bit of ourselves, talent, ideas - so, extra color and flavor - win.
 Bullet list - cruise - week south to warm Mexico - 4 days $3K? Look into it.
 Be a bit more selfish $$$.
 Pick up Xo/K candy from Robbie - this week - no need to explain or apologize - E's lack on responses to my outreach - between he & I.
 Eclipse today.
 3 weeks till 4-day weekend jazz/Blues with Eric by River. Esp when there's no big stars to get excited about, Eric, cottage on hill in redwood grove, meals, putt-putt golf, river valley location, festival-goers to chat with - it's a vacation first, music fest second. So very exciting to look forward to. et there early Friday.
 Pablo Cruise BBQ this weekend, Sons of Champlin weekend after - have seen them both a few times now, so not *exciting*, but a good time at a superb location/well-run venue where I am recognized as regular. They tolerated my acting out/shenanigans over years - I got message, more respectful. Thank you for that. I get over-stimulated.
 Eating at home more - BB pre-made soup/salad/sushi is awfully convenient/healthy! Much cheaper than restaurants. Still - a few more meals made at home - lentils/rice w/veggies would be tasty, healthy, save me thousands/year. And fun. And one of those things I think I'd do when I'm 'retired'.
 Scrimp and save.
 Bucket list of things I think I'll do after 'retirement' - and do them now. Make then now. There is not future. Then is now, now is then. Be here now.
 Escapism is losing.
 Things I want to do but put off because I am invested in work - it defines me - imagining life without I feel lost, depressed, invisible - yes! -I fear to face it, so I don't change, frozen. Working at a place like Bain improves self-esteem. That's fair - there's a bit of status, but not same status I own by loving my friends, goddaughter, self, family. Starting to live life I might have post-work could ease step-down, grease skids etc. More focus on life, self-love; less reliance on workplace status.
 Cut work focus by 15%, add that focus to me. Everyone wins. I am not paid enough to do so many extras. Slowly withdraw. Work amount my compensation covers + 10% more icing. I'm a star regardless, just by my natural talent/work ethic (fear of termination and starvation). :-D.
 Really - a lot of this is: If I'm gonna be new-styles lead trainer for three West Coast offices = 400+ people - obviously I can't do that alongside my other tasks - anyone can see that. So cut back on in preparation. Cool.

+++++
 Sun Aug 20.17 II bed 8:30pm
 Sat after Cotati fest, zombified @hm, decided I could sit & surf net zombified at laundromat - and yes, it's nice to have that done - clean clothes, towels, bed. Sleep late, up early - restlessness.
 Anyway - not much today - 11:30 am Berk Art Museum was mildly amusing: Buddhist sculptures, Indian miniature paintings, local surrealist painter Howard (promoted by Julien Levy who shot nudes of Frida), room with couple dozen life-sized clowns laying around, and big shoes hanging from wall - I am cynical and sneer but WTF? I was amused educated entertained, taken out of myself for an hour, upstairs espresso and cinnamon pastry w/view of Center street - also perfect parking across street, weather lovely; so stop sneering - it's a campus museum and darn good or that.
 Book store - Spillane, Sin City, Holmes and sundry, groceries/meals on way home: soup, pretzels, sushi.
 Lunch at home, clean out Camry trunk, hideaway trunk-only key under back driver's side wheel well, actual keys hidden in trunk - showed Buff/told DJ where; 2nd trunk key hanging above calendar. I think that covers anything I can imagine -
 Gather roof rack pieces together - now what? One of those neighborhood lists?
 IM'ing w/N and other - I think N&I know what's going on/same page - more pics/talk - organically came to moment we wondered if it would, she said one of my models looked just like her from waist down, so now I know what she looks like, all light-hearted tho, she says will shoot maybe send, sends more tub shots waist down, liked compliments - do I enjoy as artist or man, I say both, and also tell how first legs shot s from months ago were so arousing and I didn't want that to dominate how I thought of her. I think we managed it fairly well. Still uncertain, concerned about misunderstandings bemuse of language barrier. But this was very cool. Saved choppy (no 'row headers') transcript of day's IMs, for trans-language words we chose - wrong but I get it then it's not wrong.  Nice/
 Frida site person said my pics helped her (and others?) get comfortable w/Os other deep discomfort. Cool. Good to aiding people get fulfillment, & flattering. :-)
 Wifi cafe morning, shower/wash hair, wear new accordion-fest pants/shirt - very comfortable actually - nice -, museum, book store, groceries, lunch, tidy car, hideaway backup key, rack parts, chat w/Buff DJ, IM w/K about her trip to Tanzania tomorrow/Xo/E, Robbie IM'd pic of British candy Xo left me (from she & K), pics & long good IM w/N.
 Looks like a pretty cool day no?
+++++
 Sun Aug 20.17 nm
 Focus much more energy on my life, what I enjoy, things I like to do that I am putting off till after I retire - ha ha - seriously, start a list, and do them - yoga, walking, stretching, a 3-wheel (?) bike of some sort - a cruise - do it - do it all now - a van to sleep in? Do it. Don't wait. Live now - don't make work my whole life.
 Seriously - winter coming - don't sit around and mope - shoot nudes - play guitar - get a good camera - whatever I like, I can afford - do it.
 Missing Gil, I am grieving, don't neglect that I'm not okay about it. Take care of myself. We all have burdens, and all must take care of ourselves.
 Also, I'm 63, I tire more easily - this is a simple physical fact of life - do Dallas, but if they fly me out at night, or at 4am, do not pretend it's ideal. Don't pretend I can do both my production and west Coast training - do one or the other - take all the time I need to prep for training - get a private room - practice - do not do 1-day trips to LA under any circumstance - do not be snarky or hostile - but do not take the blame for their decisions. I have nothing to prove. My job is not in danger.
 Jeff and Taf left because they got paid more to do less, and less stressful work - something to think about.
 I am not suck there. I could get temp jobs.
 Breath - stretch - I am under no pressure. Out enough pressure on a Human Resource, eventually they will burn out then break. Love. Treat them with love. No matter what - make their time with me the best time they have all day, so they look back and think what a pleasure it was to be near me. Be charming when I say no.
 "I'm so sorry you are in that position - everything is going to be okay. So sorry I can't do that - I know you'll find a better solution. I know you don't mean to pressure me, or bully me - you're in a tough position. How can I help without compromising my mental and physical health?
 Working an already stressed out high-value human resource to point of burnout and breakdown is not a viable solution to this problem. Because I can't  - not won't  - can't do it.
 I'm preparing - work has become a drag - duck, dodge, weave - I can do it - I'm an independent entity at work because I'm so good at my job - I can do this.
 I can do this. everything is going to be okay.
 IM's with Mex/Ital artist Nuria - pic of CCAC art student in burn zone she says looks like her from waist down - cute - flirty - shapely legs, nice feet - beautiful skin - mentioned visiting bf 20yrs older - was that a hint that there's a limit to flirting because of our age difference? That would be good if we defined a boundary. Thanked her for sharing her beauty - she said maybe more bathtub pics of legs if she liked them. I really want them, but only if they come organically as part of developing online trust/friendship.
 Rough but okay sleep - bed towel has been churned up, twisted last week or two - work stress, I think, but maybe also weight of Gil's death settling on. First emotional reaction was almost a protection against looking at rest of my life without him. That makes me deeply sad. :-(
 Woke Sat - what to do? Restless and slightly crazy - poster on my page, Cotati Accordion Fest weekend! Yay! A thing to do! Some traffic - ~ 1.5hr to get there - $15 parking across street - overcast, but it cleared, sunny and perfect ~12:30 - nice! Chicken burrito and Great Morgani in Mondrian outfit - :-D
 Wandered, enjoyed dance tent, front stage Italian guy in fancy outfit did piece w/notes set to woman's singing - exciting!!
 $40 Mexican drawstring pants & $40 green shirt, $20 festival t-shirt, $10 burrito, $15 parking, $6 IPA, $7 coffee = $138 - part of the event maybe, to spend a bit, support booths, event, town - that's how it works and keeps these festivals going.
 Drive home reasonable - always slows ~Petaluma - took frontage road at Albany - interesting - sushi @home - Buff bought hose and rake!
 Okay - yes, I think it helps to vent here about work, organize (somewhat) my thoughts, see how they sound, how they look in print - are they reasonable? am I okay?
 What battles are worth fighting?
 No 1-day trips to LA is worth fighting for. I may need to re-fight it. Adjusted compensation is worth fighting for.
 I cant lose the LA business - that is settled.
 As for compensation - if answer is no, and no symbolic actions - more PTO for instance - then I start handing off say, facepages, theme creation, video editing. Just tell Randy - I'm going to start handing this stuff off - let's have a dept meeting. Make it work for me. They can see I can't do it all. Obvious.
 Okay.
 Accordion fest.
 Work stress.
 Gil grief.
 Life hack - more focus on things I enjoy. What is my bucket list.
 
1985: Ellen, Chae, JaiJung - at Ralph's nr CCAC. Wonder if she is alive?

+++++
 Sat Aug 19.17 nm
 Fri Randy was sick, so was Culi/Alex - both showed then split, so I closed, 10hr day - fortunately I was well-rested, also fortunately work was slow. Did a fancy photoshop Lego job that came out well, pleased high-placed global person & made client CEO laugh. Bam!
 Sent hour corrections to Williams Lea Tim who's running things while we look for new dept head, asked to discuss compensation - who to talk, to etc.- ; he is super-busy, bad timing? - there is no good timing to ask for increases in compensation -
 - but also good timing as they can ill afford to lose me - my importance, non-expendability is front-and-center. Good that I asked, good that I waited till I felt rested calm and clear -good that I had just done a good photoshop job for a major player and also did dept alone when everyone else called in sick, and tons of training coming up - mentioned training for 5 diff companies above Bain - , get ball rolling. If answer is no, or wait, or impossible - I will make my discontent plain, insist that some of my tasks be taken over by others, continue my self-protective relaxing, focusing on enjoying job and my own happiness.
 Don't work myself to exhaustion for a place that doesn't value my contributions.
 My compensation should reflect my upcoming roll as lead trainer for west coast ~400 people deserves better pay. Simple as that.
 If have no power to make it happen, other than to make my case strongly - I can only do what's necessary; no more. If their attitude is fuck Robert, fuck his health, fuck his morale, fuck his compensation request - I know how to respond to people who say fuck Robert.
 Or do I?

 Bla bla bla... talk is cheap. Take real steps - longer lunches, more down time, more fun, less work, constant meditation/breathing to make my happiness my first priority vis-à-vis work. Make my work reflect my compensation. I can do that, and everyone will understand - my value and talents are well-proven, I can rest on my laurels for a few years. Don't work so hard. I have nothing to prove.
 If I need to prove something to myself, let it be how well I can live, how much health and enjoyment I can bring to myself, how much I can love my friends, and be a good person. No need anymore to base so much of my self-esteem on how well I do my job, or get better at it - I'm great at it.
 Have some notes ready in anticipation of pushback if/when Tim wants to talk. Who else can I talk to if necessary?
 Body continues to feel better - can take stairs easily again. Climbing in and out of bed easier.
 Sad about E's non-communication during his visit - I knew it, knew it wasn't like 5yrs ago - I can take some blame: I was/am in denial about situation, that I've reached out much more to K, almost none to him.
 No hope left there.
 Barren.
 Barren after Gil's death.
 And Scott's.
 Barren after I invest heavily in Nan's friendship only to have it turn out barren. No one's fault, my choice. It is what it is, I took a chance, gambled my energy, that a friendship could be sparked out of a of sexual obsession plus shared experiences. When a gamble fails, you cut your losses, walk away from the table, and don't look back. Let go. Take Nan's nude down off my wall. Start life anew.
 These old bitterness's I hang onto are like quicksand that slow me down  - walk away. I got my own life to live. Laundry to do, yard to tend, cottage to tidy, books to read, healthy body and mind to care for.
 No point at all to worry about old age or disaster - none of that may ever happen. I have savings, friends, a network who I can expect some support from. Being single helps - I have no family/children/wife to walk away from if I must go solo. Buy a van, lay down a mattress, get a chamber pot - do what you must. Survive. I've been there - homelessness does not hold the same terror and shame for me it does for many others - been there, done that.
 Slept well - Fri after work groceries/salad - heated up clam chowder snack dinner - container of Mideast salad $5. Got a sandwich, Tilden walk might be nice. :-)
 More? Work, sleep, eat, read, social media w/Lo, K, Nuri. Haven't seen Stacey in a while - Tilden Sun?
+++++
 Thu Aug 17.17 nm
 Okay - calming down - E&Xo in town, difficult transition from months of pre-visit excitement, nervousness, anxiety, anticipating lots of visits, awkwardness, re-bonding, maybe it being 'like it used to be' - then experiencing huge changes, gaps, dead zones... no one's fault - just how it is, now I know, good to know.
 Work call from Tracey, head Ppt person, expecting me/us to double amount of energy we are expected to expend to train 400+ West Coast people. But no WebExs. No doubt wanting us to do 1-day trips to LA. I told Tracey my doctor doesn't want me doing that. Taf said he discussed it with Iain, so even tho Iain didn't go for overnights for me, he knows I'm not doing them. So I think I'm covered, tho sometime in Sept shoot them an email to make it clear, so there's no surprises. Give them time to come up with an alternative. But don't collapse - value myself, my health, my opinion, my doctor's POV. Don't do it.
And - find a way to feel good, loving, cooperative, empowered - do it in a way that everyone feels good at the end, everyone wins, no guilt-tripping anyone, just self-love - I love myself, I enjoy having good health, I don't enjoy being overworked to point of burn-out, exhausted to point of feebleness, and brain-dead illness. Love love love. Self-empowerment. Health.
 Do this right.
 Be good. Be loving. Be open.
 Dumping some fb 'friends' (some maybe post-Gil?), unfollowing almost everyone - replacing them with nothing, less mental fluff of strangers' posts. Mainly art pages.
 Slept pretty well - post work groceries, bowl of hot clam chowder.
 Looked in fridge this morning: eggs, berries, hemp milk, soup, salad, bread, almond butter, jam - all good food.
 Wed brought suitcase to work: brought home lots of CDs, tapes, wires, backup drive, papers of various types(?), Music: What Happened, pack of D80M stuff, etc - cleared off magnet board - mess was making it more difficult to do stuff - feels better - keep clearing shit off - training temp - reminded Randy I'm doing 4day weekend for Jazz/Blues. He didn't know, this gives him ~1mo to bring someone in. Meantime, a policy of no vacations till we get someone new is not gonna fly, and unlikely to be discussed. And I'm going. Like Rob's vacation last week.
 Work's been a mess, took many months to replace night person, then Taf left, then Jeff left - so been short-handed for over a year? Plus disruption and energy drain of training, getting new people up to speed. New dept head, if we ever get one, needs to be trained in Admin stuff and ppt stuff. Meantime, I am invaluable - okay, that's good - and also will be leaned on to do many tasks no one else can do - video, themes, facepages, photos -
 - so balance that out. Use my high-value to take long lunches, breaks, do not try to work faster - I'm already fast and effective. Done. Period. And no raise, so they are wanting to motivate me to work extra hard. Just do my job, get paycheck, enjoy human interactions, enjoy enjoyable parts of my job - edit videos, scan negatives, use social media to be in touch with friends, check news. Relax - even if I get a raise, what would I do with a few extra thousand a year? It's worth asking - but I'm okay. And can probably get part-time temp work with my ppt/photoshop/excel/chart-building skills.
+++++
 Tue Aug 15.17 nm
 Not responding to E's vague too little too late IMs re visit tonight/tomorrow - you can't have me fro free. Took a week to contact, ignored my emails/IMs, last minute group party at Robbie's, okay. Then ignore my photos, emails - offered to visit Chinatown / my work - ignored my emails about last weekend, my offer to cancel Sat plans to make time for them - then Mon, how about tonight?
 You know, fuck you. No.
 It hurts, brings up pain/dislocation of last 6+ years, pain of divorce, watching my good friends/goddaughter suffer - even the financial sacrifices (small tho they may be) to help support single Mom. Here we had a chance to open up lines of communication that would benefit everyone - I think? - but no - fuck it. I did my duty - 7hrs w/Xo, bowling, hiking, sushi, ice cream - she knows I'm here and love her, will help her, and get along with her Dad - I'm sure that makes her feel better. But there is a big age gap, so quality time, just her & I, probably not necessary. Saw her, chatted, gave her $$, told her 'I love you and I miss you, and hope I get to see you more while you're here."
 "Thank you for everything."
 Done. We did our duty to each other. Cool.
 Now move on back to life - but stop here a moment and mourn, and accept what has happened, acknowledge my responsibility, I am not a victim, obviously I am more in touch/financially supportive of K, she is more responsible/competent parent, Xo is my focus - so. Here we are. Here it is. Now. Be. Here - accept. I can't change it, except by doing what I've already done. Breath into this moment.
 Stressing over call announcing big training and app changes @work -
 Don't feel guilty/fearful about protecting my health, re no 1-day trips to LA, or even asking for day off before Dallas day-1 training. It is my right and responsibility to look out after my health, and protect my boundaries - mental and physical - if the thought of this pile of work and work not giving a fuck about my well-being is causing me to feel depressed, that is of serious concern. I can draw a line and say no - I am physically incapable of doing that. You want me to take on this huge important task, I have a big say in matter when it affects my health. I can say no, and let them work around me. It is not all about them. I am not a slave. They do not own me.
 Work is a mess - my desk is a catastrophe - bringing suitcase to work - bring home stacks of CDs, other stuff, scanner? Clear it all out. Person I started training 2 weeks ago left, new person started yesterday. Nice girl - but damn. Lots of training.
 Mentioned to Randy about asking for raise and why - asked if he wants to be involved, he wants nothing to do with it. Okay. Good to know.
 Call in sick some day.
 Take a sick day. Fuck it. If I'm feeling tired, exhausted, mentally depressed, agitated, angry, anxious - take a sick day.
 Remind them of my 4-day weekend in Sept/Jazz/Blues.
 Slept well last night -~10:30-7 - feeling rested.
 Look at the time - 8:54 - late! How'd that happen.
 Oh yeah - Trump saying Nazis and people demonstrating against them are morally equivalent. That caught the world's attention. Cool.
 Feeling better as I focus in the moment, not the training months from now. Take things as they come. The future is unknowable - if you worry and nothing happens, you've wasted energy. So don't worry. :-)
 That helps.
+++++
 Mon Aug 14.17 hm 7:54pm
 Big training coming up in Oct - updated work app/Toolbox -  3 days in Dallas - okay. How will we do it when we're open 7am-2am - who knows? She said tell Iain has to be done, both Randy & I - oops - Randy on vacation. Oh, so all 500 people on me. Uh - fuck you? She mentioned well. you can work Mon, then fly to DAL afterword for Tues am training. Uh, no. No no no.
 No.
 Important training she said over & over - okay, then fly me there Mon so I am well-rested for Tues am training. There is no other option. That's how it will be. Or get someone else to do it. If I'm training hundreds of people, spread out over many teams as they switch over, dept capacity takes a big hit. Randy gets it. I think he sees I'm near edge. I won't quit, but not afraid of being terminated - and have doctor's note re my health. end of discussion.
 I types a list of all extras I do above and beyond slide production: 18yrs of facepages, training, photography, themes, video editing, etc. 
 So. No. Get sued to saying it. They don't control me. I can say no and look after my health. If I feel pressured, call them out for it - even up to bullying if they keep it up. No.
 I IM'd E last Thurs about weekend - no word. Today IM'd about 7pm getogether tonight. Work has me in a bad mood. I felt like, fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck this last-minute bs. Later he said what about Wed/Thurs? What about it? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Today I'm feeling put upon by work, we are so stretched - I have not had a raise in many years - now they want to dump this huge task on me.
 May have to talk to Randy about this. Hate to. But yeah - maybe talk to R, then email both he and Tim and ask how we can move this forward. Yes. Do it. I am close to becoming a really unhappy camper. If I'm going to be required to almost single-handedly do this, I want compensation to reflect my efforts.
 Let's sleep on it - some trouble sleeping last night, could have been result of three mixed drinks at Nicasio/pudding in bed. Sure. Okay. Sugar and alcohol. Give it a day to wear off. See how I feel tomorrow.
 But rework letter I gave to Taf - include list of work I do above/beyond slide production, suggest of there's a cap, to look into a misc/trainer designation, or suggest alternatives - more PTO, 7r days, non-hourly (40 regardless?), something to show I'm appreciated. Otherwise, I need to drop some things and start pushing back, slowing down on others (every two months facepages, Culi does themes, no more new hire photos). Something.
 Okay? Okay. Value myself. Stand up for myself I rock. I fucking rock. I deserve a raise. Go get it. Go, Bob, Go!
+++++
 Sun Aug 13.17 nm
 Sat after nm, ~10am no word from E/Xo, so Eric/sushi - shower, drive to HW store/groceries - new Camry key only unlocks trunk); I mention $300 price, they say no no no University locksmith - at home bowl of clam chowder, shower, locate locksmith - dispensary for a variety of flower/4:1 tincture for E, also bring Gil's painkillers (8, E got 4) -
 Locksmith bottom of University - parking right out front (!) - nice/interesting guy, other customers come in I say I'm in now hurry & he helps them, we call chat - fun! - he is appalled at $300, says more like $35 - also got key for steering wheel lock - should have got 2 for hideaway, but, maybe next week. Or today? Both keys, plus hideaway holder/tags $65. Dang. Good feeling. Tax return, cheap/easy/fast key replacement - right on.
 Traffic heavy stop-and-go whole way to SR, till last 10 miles - music and AC made it tolerable but no fun. Could have turned around but point was to see Eric, so - hang, split up painkillers/flower/tincture, I take comic books etc; get to Osake 45mins before open - gah!! starving!! -  - explore rich neighborhoods and visit nice big park with beautiful lake, paved trails - next time visit more!
 Kobe beef dinner, lots of sushies, 2 bottles cedar sake, drank 1.5 sake - with all food did not get too intoxicated - with tax $300-something. There we go.  Fun to feel rich now and then. Walk around block, drive home very easy - try new flower, feel almost nothing -
 - beginning to wonder how much of pot effect is mental.
 I see pics of Xo/Katie on Robbie's page - ok - 11yr-old kids don't wanna hang around old folks - I get it - no prob - I have always been a distant figure, unseen, sometimes contacted by mail/internet - a source of support - that's fine - she thanked me, in her own way she loves me and I love her - quiet support from afar is my role. Cool.
 10am - call Mom - eat something - chill, shower, nap, Asleep at the Wheel - nice.
 Home - eat - Mom - chill - water yard - shower - on her art page Nuria posted nude drawing she did of me sitting Shiva 1977 - fun.
 Tom posting pics of Shirley's stuff she's getting rid of - nothing I want. Is she planning to move, or die? Mom will tell. Get to Nicasio early? 3? For extra good seat? I'm fine by side - easier to get up w/out drawing attention to myself (like Subdudes).
 Not getting photos albums, I no longer want, not getting cemetery stones, I no longer want or need, is 20years ago - let go of resentments, let go of sense of being wronged, that if she'd been more fair we could be - what? Friends? some communication channel? - unlikely - if I let go of those there's nothing between us - nothing - no more shared friendships (Gil), let go; friendship w/Marge/John is independent of Shelley - it really is. No contact. No relationship. Nothing to be worked out. Nothing of hers I want. Let go. Gone. Move on.
 Let go of everything. Forgive. It's all good. I am not a bad person. I'm a good person. In his own way Dad is/was silently saying Go Bob, Go! You're doing great! Go Bob, Go!!

+++++
 Sat Aug 12.17 nm
 When work stuff gets crazy (Jeff left, eve Rob vacation etc) I get stressed and unhappy - I just want it to be easy, get it over with, not feel taken advantage of - I do have all the power - I can say no to requests, I can take a sick day - I could even quit - I choose to stay for my own reasons (money mostly), but also, I like training, human contact/interactions, - in bed this morning asked myself about scanning, photoshop, video editing etc - does it add up to a worthwhile, high-value thing? - it is letting me do my 'art' - nothing could be more important - so, yes. Like Craft Center in Davis, which let me work with bands, along with Design Dept studio.
 Bam - Gil is gone, Sooz/Cheeto in OR (but Skypes help a lot(!)); Game Theory projects over: last couple years have been about rereleases, organizing, digging through, scanning, cleaning up working with Omnivore - all good, okay, but kept one foot in the past - now done, being here now sometimes feels stagnant, stopped, stuck - gray - but - no - normal life. All good. Just a minor adjustment.
 Don't sweat the small stuff - if I have my health, it's all good.
 Closed yesterday and stressed about last-minute work coming in - breath, move.
 Restful but sketchy sleep, woke ~6, snoozed to ~8 - laid there as I do say listen to body, what does my body want?, then thought: who is listening to body, I am my body, my body is me, Listen To Myself, What Do I Want? Same thought paths as since Gil died, stop roof leaking - make it a priority, old excuses non-operational -, no being a victim at work, no being over-generous, let Buff buy me sushi, tell people their drinking and emotional pressure to get to me drink makes me uncomfortable - define and defend my boundaries as necessary: What Do I Want? I can say Yes or No. It's my deal. I am no victim. Take responsibility for my own skin. No one else's.
 Legs/hips continue to feel better, left arm more flexible tho there's a core area of painful tenderness that does not like to be stretched - more stretching/massaging/balm(?) might help that along.
 Emailed & IMd E & Xo about Sat/Sun hang - he saw IM (you can see if they've been), no response - 10:16 - that's it - window closed - head to SR ~ noon? Walk around explore - stop by dispensary, Eric asked for some of Gil's pain killers, okay. CA tax return, looks like they ignored the NY gallery/Frida/Patti rev, ~$177, which is about normal? No penalty. Cool. Good to have it done. Reading Rum Punch/Jackie Brown - pow - another winner. Maybe see movie again, if I can sit through a movie!
 Alrighty - me me me - hello to internet friends - K, L, N(uria) - 10:30 - how about, groceries, shower, tidy cottage, yard care, lunch, head to SR. Yes.
 They are in a pinch at work - they desperately need me to stick around and be happy. Ask for a raise? Might be good timing.
 Things were lively around divorce/mid-life crisis, helped me appreciate quiet times; lively again around Gil's death following Scott's suicide by 3 years and record rereleases which put me in public view - calmed down now - appreciate the quiet times. Ups and downs - ups are good, so it quiet time.
+++++
 Fri Aug 11.17 nm
 Thu walking to work noticed hip/upper thigh pain gone, knees better - knees still tender etc, but all over feeling easier, more of one-body, not a collection of parts focused on painful parts - just, one day, hip pain stopped - mild euphoria - because of pain-relief, also confirmation most of it is psychological, so I learn; some stretching last few weeks, crouching, curling, bending legs - may have broken up fascia/helped? Anyway, cool - slow down - stretch - let time heal.
 Alone today @wk 3:30-6:30, mentally prepared to say no no no sorry alone and half-staffed out no capacity. No. No. My mental/physical health comes first. No. Showed Randy Dr.'s note about LA. Good/Bad: close if stressful - but - go in @9:30 instead of 8.. yum.
 
 Health is important - and appreciating what I have, wanting what I have, yes. Accepting things I can't change. Changing what I can.
 Looking at polaroids of Shelley/Sarah this week, feeling bad, guilty, avoiding - it was not my fault we did not get along, it's not my fault we stayed together so long when it wasn't working; she is extremely spoiled/controlling - the trade was I love her and she shares her house/family etc with me - but not herself - she keeps Chris locked in a cage -  not because of I'm a bad person - I'm not a bad person - because that's her need; maybe if I'd got more love/intimacy from her I wouldn't have gone looking for communication & intellectual exchanges which led to sex elsewhere -
 Whatever - point is I did some bad things, I did lots of good things - when it came down to it the intimacy I wanted did not evolve - likely was not possible - in post-divorce therapy, her inability to focus on truth, at crisis points where it really was necessary, was clear - therapist called her on it. Said 'no wonder it makes Robert feel crazy'. Nothing to hang onto - no core set of values where you say, okay now is time for the truth. So she's still on drugs, has a relationship that works for them both - for which I am deeply happy, I do want her to be happy - and I'm free, and have love I did not have in the marriage.
 So let it go. Good. I loved her. Still wish her well. But do not like being near her. Understandable. Because there's no way to talk through our issues - and nothing to be gained I can think of. She's a taker. Entitled to photos, cemetery stones - there's nothing she has I want.
 Let go. Don't look back and regret - we did the best we could - not look back and wonder if we can still regain a friendship - we can't. Yet I want to be The Good Guy - the one who reaches out and tried to make it work - a friendship - nope. It was good when it was good - but was never a perfect fit - that was no one's fault. We both had major fuck-upped parts. It was uneasy - I introvert had a difficult time being around another person all the time - that extreme discomfort went on for years! It hurt her. Not me. Not intentionally. We hurt each other never maliciously - just was who we were and not a good fit.
 So forgive her, and forgive myself - let go of good guy bad girl blame - that's wrong. Don't try to recreate our marriage only as friends. Start anew. Let go of the past. It is what it is.
 I wrote all this because looking at the polaroids I strongly felt the need to be The Good Guy - which told me, at least, not to be the Bad Guy - esp after 20yrs, I needed to do some serious soul-searching, work if I want to gain top happiness, serenity, mental health.
 1992?
 
+++++
 Thu Aug 10.17 nm
 Three people at work, dept open 19hrs day 7am-2am - more than half hours one-man, supporting ~5depts, not to mention misc requests from Europe and rest of world. I go to work, show up on time, do my job for 8hrs, and leave. I do not stress or do excessive OT, because exhausting yourself physically and/or emotionally is not good for anyone. Not me, noir company, no clients. Breath - be good to myself - it's understood by everyone that it's not a normal situation, and any pressure for us to do more than we can would be morally wrong and self-defeating. So, all good.
 Talked to Toyota dealership about key replacement - some Sat maybe - not this one, in case time for Xo/E visit - so maybe 2 Sats from now.
 Otherwise - cool chill - rough sleep last night, snoozed till 8am.
 IM's photos from Nuria - one close up nude thigh to one breast. Lots of cool (selfies?) paintings. I balance between youthful sexy reaction, and seeing art in it - as she says she does with my youthful nude selfies. Stops between shares to catch breath, settle, not get caught up in sexual momentum. Some quiet times. Artistic bonding. Cool.
 K in Europe. E&Xo here. K cousin Vic pregnant in Paris. Tom sent photos of Shirley's knick-knacks for us to choose from. Asleep at the Wheel this Sun. Cucumbers, tomatoes in front yard (avoid resentment, I enjoy doing it, I told them to take them, and even if they do not thank me, every time they snag and eat some (I see them disappearing) they are silently thanking me, my generosity greases skids in land-sharing arrangement. All good, let is go, let it be good - any resentment is on me, self-generated - in other words, be generous, and if make myself subservient and small, that's my problem.) Breath.
 Be here now.
 Yes. Life! Good. Today will be a good day.
 Thank you for sharing your beauty.

+++++
 Wed Aug 9.17 nm
 Woke up thinking I'm alive - Gil's dead, not me -
 Scott committed suicide, I did not.
 Enjoy my life while it's here.
 hahaha - dept head gone, night guy on week-long vacation, we have 2-month temp being trained - but he may not have been thoroughly tested/vetted, may not last the week - hahahah - 3 people covering ~4-5 offices & 19hr shift - uh, no. I show up, do my 8hrs, and leave.
 Damn - IM'ing w/Buzznet Bobbi Mon pm, Tues am she IM's that right after we said 'nite she got news her bro murdered - :-( - ; later Tues am IM'ing w/Mex/Ital artist Nuria, as we end she receives notice close college friend died - yikes! Pain. Internet friends - I sympathize. Reminder anything can go anytime - get my life in order in case it's me?
 I mean - some sort of will, who gets what - executor - what happens exactly to Scott negs etc. Is there anything I own I want someone specific to have - quilt goes to Xo/Karen. Karen gets first pick of all - and her boxes in corner. Note to family any debts die with me.
 What is there really, aside from boxes of negs, slides, proofsheets, workbooks, backup CDs/DVDs, polaroids, videos - clothes, kitchen stuff, books, bathroom supplies - Beate table -ART - who gets the art? Who wants the art? Quilts. Car goes back to Sooz. Rocking chair. Bike. Camera, computers, phone electronics.
 I think, I really don't own that much. And most can go to Goodwill etc.
 That's good. Small place keeps me from collecting junk. Items precious to me - art, posters, gifts, polaroids - mean nothing to anyone else. Good. It will not be a problem. Scott photos for to K & girls.
 Better - not feeling the pressure to spend time w/E&Xo now that initial 7hr visit complete - it can be done - tho it seems to have taken a lot out of me. There's some pressure for me to confront E, somehow change him - that will not work, and would come between he & I, putting me between E & K, and making it harder on Xo, as I'd have chosen sides, instead of being a consistent force of love. E seems focused on his 2 news kids, and nothing I say will change that. So no. He & I have not even spoken in 7yrs, and he knows I am close to K - so no.
 Okay - workitty work work. No raises - already work hard - no raises, no harder work no.
 Love myself, give myself what I want and need, be kind and loving to myself, the way I do what I want and give myself what I want, looks like self-love. Cool. Music, nature, art, friends, technology/toys, beautiful garden, good food, good hygiene - stay away from people who bring me down.
+++++
 Tue Aug 8.17 nm
 I've invested - in friends, in yard, in myself - they say my rent is cheap but are not adding $40hr yard work, cost of plants, tools, value beautiful yard brings to them plus keeping landlord happy with us, etc - that's rent karma - it's not about getting future pay back, that viewpoint will create fear, resentment, bitterness (are resentment bitterness the same, or does resentment cerate bitterness?), it's about making sure I've giving now what I'm getting, so I'm comfortable now. Now is what counts. Balance - and I am balanced.
 Anxious about E/Xo visit for months - glad that's done - wiped out yesterday at work - mentally/emotionally - probably physically, too - yes, Sun I was beat, but needed forest, backroads, music - so went and got it - feeling better now - another day - Mon I was wiped, began to feel normal ~5. Fortunately work was slow. Fun training with 2 women: Finance and head of something important - close to office head - they both seemed happy, impressed, grateful - more power to me. :-) Indispensable.
 Legs/hips hurting Mon am - after Olampoli hike? Emotional pain? Pain in top left arms is lessened but still there and potent when reaching back certain ways - still - healing? And the way leg/hip pain comes and goes, lessens when I change mental outlook says it's mental - but not all - I'm working them - but -
 - I've always said when I'm old and pin starts I'll do what's necessary. The time is now. Yoga. Tai Chi. Something.
 K - no word from E/Xo - maybe Chinatown next week?
 In early for Sooz Skype tonight.
+++++
 Mon Aug 7.17 nm
 Feeling better, more centered - Sat day w/E, Xo etc was kinda big - have not been to UK for 6yrs+ - etc.
 Wound up Sun am, lox bagel, lv for Olampoli ~noon > beautiful day, music, light-headed, pbj > walk reverse trail, slow, sore legs/hips but got better as I walked, I can adjust it sometimes by mentally saying feel better etc, so psychological - natural beauty - ~1/2 way through told myself, nature won't do all the lifting, I can decide to be present - that helped - rocks into stream, toy ball into pond, no camera/phone/hippie bag - just me & trail: Good. Couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day.
 Backroads to Nicasio > stop in Novato Starbucks sandwich/mocha Frappocino > and then that was one of nicest day times > slowly driving beautiful empty backroads, from trail to music - disconnected from other outside of me actions, eating processed lunch sipping a cold beverage through straw - perfect light, perfect right? There - gratitude, letting go - grateful for Sooz's car, music, automatic everything.
 Times drive: .45 Olampoli to Nicasio - nice - full of beauty. Walk was short, too - but quality of enjoyment is what matters. Fresh air, exercise.
 Nicasio ~3:35 > nice > no great place for low red chair > owner lady sees me, knows me to some degree as regular/supporter/music & venue appreciator > comes over encourages me to take place on center aisle > best seat in house. Front/center - wow - too close I thought, but turned out perfect damn. Subdudes > so good > great singing, playing - and funny yes. Like nothing else.
 2 top shelve margaritas, salmon/pork combo, checked inside for lost Camry keys - no luck - cooling off, Bob mentioned RN hoodies > 2nd set buy one -w/tax ~$50, but WTH. This is my place during summer weekends.
 Lv when they do crowd acoustic, don't wanna fight the crowd > prob good, but ehh > fine driving home (keeping eye on alcohol affects) > easy drive home > music & ease of window opening/closing/AC makes such a difference! Home ~8, shower (to wash off sunscreen spray/face E lotion), so no shower this morning. Sleep well.
 I liked Sun, how it played out, know places, distances, timing - comes naturally Olampoli trail, to backroads, to snack, to music, okay to be 'late' for music, but - I thought "Seen Subdudes ~3-4x, not excited.", but they kicked ass - so good, glad I saw whole set. And front row center - which - is - in some way - a reward for being cool, supporting venue & artists (buying product), being friendly, etc. Nice glow of pat on back. Thank you.
 I'm a good person.
 Awww. :-)
 Sent Scott's Lauran Canyon to K.
 Sun was good necessary chill-the-fuck-out to rest/prep for work, half-staffed. Keep it mind, pre-event anxiousness is always worse than actuality.
 At Nicasio phone rang > from Mom > did not pick up > needed to be alone > away from all external stuff. I wondered, what if someone died. Checked VM, she wanted to say hi after 2-3 weeks w/no call from me > thought she was in Cinci w/Shirley Joan/Tom for a week? Anyway > call soon.
 Now that Nicasio checked for lost key, car 4x, yard/cottage thoroughly > call Toyota dealership, drop car off Wed am, pick up after work? Key business is stressful because if I lose this one I'm fucked > Sat misplaced it near Albany Bulb for a minute > mild panic (gah!). Good thing is, I can afford $300 for replacement - if there is a solution to a problem, it is not a real problem, just an inconvenience.
 Posted pic of me, Xo, E, Ceecee post sushi euphoria > looked at those pics a lot last night > Xo looks really really happy in both post sushi/ice cream pics > it was a good day, bowling, Albany Bulb, sushi, ice cream > but most important, I think, for Xo, is to see her Dad & I getting along, all day, in a variety of circumstances & conversations > yes. That was good for all of us. Important. Family. Whatever differences there are, family support is more important.
 She looks really really happy. Most important thing in the world to me; I did not fake anything > and she would have known > it was good because it's good.
+++++
 Sun Aug 6.17 nm
 A bit of social anxiety beforehand, but went okay - let go as much as poss -
 Shower & laundry, Albany Bowl ~3:30, did okay - strikes, broke 100, but second set arm tired gutter balls - still - I did it, stayed pretty serene.
 Berkeley Bulb w/E/XO, Dom, Iskander/Maria and sons, Sierra - kids enjoyed art stuff, Xo on funky swing, explored, out to tip, back along water; Xo wore my vest - good to be around each other in group/interact a bit. Easy to be around, maybe that is most important.
 Sugata w/Sierra, got front private room - so cool! - they loved it, as did I - lots of sushi, saki, Xo good conversationalist, about school, food, theater (Hamilton) - , dessert @pecan-based ice cream place across street. Sugata & ice cream was my idea (and I treated for dinner), Bulb was me & Sierra (?)'s idea - point, is I added to thing - behaved pretty well. After felt very good, and pretty good now - having it done with, taken care of - talked to E&Xo about visiting Chinatown some week day, and I'll take half day off (before 3:30).
 Home ~10 - tired but charged up - pot, lights, music - sleep well till 7, snooze till 8 - still some anxiousness about disruptions at work with Jeff & Rob (night guy) both out, stretched thin, mostly 1-person staff - will have to say no a lot. Write it up to explain to Iain/boss as necessary. Breath into this - have defense prepared - do not try to do more than comfortable. Respect my own serenity. There is no penalty, nothing to prove - I'm golden.
 Tho as I write that I think I dreamed of being fired last night - so there's the underlying anxiety - they've put us in an impossible situation, and behind all civilized smiles is:
 "We can wreck your life"
 "Go ahead, I know you're dying to."
 But no - they can't - they can't. Because that would be insane. No. They will not fire me for pushing back on jobs when we have no capacity. They are paper tigers, all pretense, unreal. Boo! They run.
 Overcast - Subdudes BBQ today - before hang at Olampoli? A bit of walking sounds essential.
 Cool - lots done Sat - long Skype w/K, shower & laundry, significant varied hang w/E&Xo, bowled (!), bit of bonding w/Sierra, lots of socializing was mainly comfortable, good exercise walking Albany bulb (could do that more) - sushi in cool private room, ice cream, selfies. Also morning blogging to get head around work stress - still working on how to deal with it - mellow out I guess. Be happy regardless. Do not be unhappy about situation - there's nothing I can do about it, and I did nothing wrong. It's their problem - I have power, because I can say no.
 Sat - beer at bowling, sake w/sushi, sugar ice cream, pot before sleep - still feeling all that a bit, along with socializing - yes, quiet time in Olampoli trees.
+++++
 Sat Aug 5.17 nm
 12:30 laundromat
 Skype w/K at home, talk it all out, losing her house etc, my evolving reacting to E in town not communicating much - etc -
 Near end E IMs - dinner? Sure. Albany Bowl first ~3 with Iskandar fam? Sure.
 Shower, Berk Bowl MidEast salad - mm, healthy - helped - mild anxiousness, but that's okay & normal about any social gathering - and yikes! bowling. Now big laundry - may have time to stop by downtown Toyota to make key copy plans. Leave car off some morning, downtown BART to wk, pick up after work? Might work.
 Cool.
 At bowling - I am slight outsider - let go. Have fun.
+++++
 Sat Aug 5.17 nm
 Summertime blues - nothin' goin' on mannnn...
 E & Xo in town, but Maria Isk pointed out Xo & Dad having quality time solo together a good thing, and Xo having more fun w/hi and family she is used to, same age - I feel like a failure for not being with them lots, but that's K's thing. Let it go. Let Xo go. Love Xo from afar. Invest in her account. Send her occasional gifts/birthday videos - let he know you are thinking of her. At Sunday Robbie party I said 'Love you, miss you, hope to see you while you're here.' She said "Thank you for everything," There. Done. Perfect connection. If I want appreciation, I got it. If I want to be sure she knows I love her, I told her. Leave it now perfect, as it is. There's a big age difference, and spending a day together just her & I would be unnecessarily awkward - maybe we'll have a meal - E IM'd asked about dinner Fri or Sat - I said sure - then no word back. Oh, well, That's it. Not gonna sit around waiting for him to last-minute invite.
 Dreams this morning of breaking into house, people there, leaving security guard arrives, kids say all is fine, I leave, at car wondering if guard will come for me, wake up.
 Jeff gone from work, no dept head, pm guy Rob on week+ vacation - and temp here for 2 months (?) needs training - and despite losing 2 people, still open 7am-2am. Stupid inefficient crazy. Half0staffed, and we're supposed to be supporting Dallas/others as well. Impossible. Do not try to do the impossible. Say no. Explain we are half-staffed and stretched, and do not have capacity, Period. End of story.
 Randy along 7-10 = 3
 Me alone 3:30-5:30 = 1.5
 Culi alone 6:30-2:00 = 7.5
 7-2am dept hours = 19
 12 hours 1 person.
 They'd like us to do OT - for 2 months? No. Close dept at 11pm till we are fully-staffed.
 Relax, breath, love - enjoy my job - smile as I say no to more work - I am safe - no one can reasonably be angry at me or dept. Let it go. Chill. Push back. Say no to jobs. Make a point of breathing, eating, relaxing, being friendly when turning people down, not engaging emotionally. It feels like bullying - I feel bullied - they cannot bully me unless I let them - it's just money / fanatical efficiently reaching breaking point. Their job is to work us as hard as they can - they will not stop, unless I say "Enough", stop there, line in sand, end of road - going home now. Like I did with 1-day LA trips; I can say "No!" Do that now with understaffed, overlong-hours dept. Say No.
 I will come in, do my job, and do it well - including extras (training, facepages, photos) - but I have no more to give past that.
 There - good - helps to get clear on that.
 Supercalifragile arrived Fri - more emotional than I'd've guessed - a bit of dry-eyed weeping in bathroom - it's all the photos - tons of memories, when I took them, what was going on, who was in the band - , but also, when Scott died, one of main pain points was we/I'd always assumed there'd be more Scott music - now there is one last, what was he doing near the end - and yes, there he is, writing about dying love, end of relationship - seeing clearly, logically, bitterly what was happening, making his lyrics out of events, honestly, like he always did - he was still and ever Scott.
 Remembering photo collaboration - he got what I was doing, we both understood need for good rock photos, what made a good rock photo; we worked consciously / unconsciously on that he'd get enthusiastic about my ideas/direction/tweaking and control, saw what I was heading for regardless of how scattershot - plus it was fun! - he was not afraid to dive into roll of band leader in pics - Gui/Gil/Shelley/Donnette (who accepted Scott as boss) understood it better than Nan/Fred/Dave (who imagined themselves equal to Scott) - Scott understood how a good photo could sell the band, get in print, make them look extra cool - bad-ass closed-eye cool shot from Real Nighttime poster in Berkeley Hills. BAM! Success!
 Posted to Scott page polaroid Donnette on my lap 1980 XMEN house finger pointed to forehead - and later Supercalifragile stuff spread on bed, thought through all I could say, it all seemed what we all felt - so just said "- deeply grateful to all involved - ". Shared Supercalifragile photo w/Tess (Nan's daughter), we discussed Laurel Canyon lyrics etc, sent her audio file. Funny that I chose to share the moment w/her - who I think has a genuine interest in gaining some understanding of that era - not anyone else - it would have been Gil - made me sad again; lots of pics of Gil in inner sleeve - stared at pic for a long time - kept coming back to Scott & Gil working on song backstage at first LA gig. Gil's favorite photo.
 All these things are happening outside me: E&Xo visit, changes at work, Supercalifragile - they are not - my responsibility.
 Do some laundry, take a Tilden stroll, see about new car key. Farm mkt lunch? Sushi in SR? I can do as I like. Freedom.
 Life is good.
 Yes. Good. Today will be good.

+++++
 Thu Aug 3.17 nm
 Up early for morning training, - in 10 Wed, new temp guy in without warning - I was passively annoyed/insulted that no one told me what was up - didn't know he was hired, or when he'd start, need training etc - left, got conf room & laptop - did training with underlying surliness - today have morning training then partner-specific job after, so ha ha too bad maybe training after lunch - but I won't be taken for granted/left out of loop -
 I'll come in, so my job, and after 8hrs, leave... stress of dept people leaving/retraining, and on top of that not being informed of what's going on adds to stress/irritation.
 Feeling awfully sad - about? Maybe nothing. Maybe Gil? I suspect having E & Xo in town put in my face what I had distance from when it was happening in U.K. - collapsing of my network, yes. Feeling like I don't do enough for Xo - but - I do a lot. Might be bowling this weekend, if so I will go - might be Berkeley party after Nicasio BBQ - stick my head in on way home. Emailed 2 sets of photos from Sun party to E & Xo joint email.
 "Chronic stress affects body’s ability to resist infection, maintain vital functions, avoid injuries. Stressed out people more likely to get sick, have accidents, sleep poorly, be more irritable, less fun to be around. - vacations break “stress cycle.”
 Exactly - I've been dropping things this last week - E & Xo in town? A bit of stress, yes.
 Not real bad stress - my life remains easy - bad stress is health gone bad etc. - still, watch it, keep positive attitude, count blessings, hang out with people, enjoy days out to myself - possible loss of Bragg vacations because of $225 hotels is sad - 2 nights for 3-day weekend $500 for crap hotel - WTF? Find cheaper coast hotels somewhere if possible.
 Anyway - really - Yes. Good. Do my best today. Today will be good.
 Breath, walk, eat good food, keep positive - stress and down thinking perpetuates more sadness spiral, poor physical & mental health.
 Shake it off - no point being bitter - wok shake-up needn't affect me! Sure, I do beginning - but not all - training - and there's sense of being abandoned by Daddy - kept in dark by Mom & Dad (was I really - by Mom, in some things, manipulation - but always for the Good - sure -) - anyway, normal to be a bit stressed/sad about work dept departures/uncertainty - but it's NO BIG DEAL. Get over myself. Keep walking eating loving breathing eating shitting sleeping.
 Life.
+++++
 Wed Aug 2.17 nm
 Skyped w/Sooz last night, among other things new person to train @wk and little Xo contact from E. K says be more assertive.
 No victimhood - if I want to see more of Xo and be in touch, reach out, IM, call, say hello, visit - do group activity w/E/Robbie etc. But spend time with her! Time together is important, even if we don't have much to talk about because of age difference. DO IT. No victimhood. Training is one of (many) things that keeps job well-secured - do it, don't kill myself to do it 1,000%, do an okay job and let him learn some on-the-job.
 No victimhood.
 No heaven, no doing good because in back of mind someday I'll be on death bed, me/others will judge my life - (or I'll be looked over in heaven) - and it will matter - hah! - no! - this is last breath, no tomorrow, no past - this today this moment, sunrise to sundown is it. Enjoy it. Live breath love talk contact my goddaughter. It doesn't matter. Love here while I'm alive matters.
 Deep breath.
 Nuria artist, she mentioned diff between youthful naked Robert in IM photos vs. Mr Robert - 'adult Robert - in public - also mentioned another American friend she's doing erotic work with - and - click - good - minuscule twitch of mild let-down, deflated blood pump balloon, also relieved me of (in my mind) focus on me. Desire for nude pics of her disappeared nearly in an instant. Good. I'd like them, of course, but wanting them was a problem. Now can continue art friendship if it happens organically. My need wanted to treat her as an online gf.
 I maybe ought to admit I am more lonely (and lovely) than I generally think, therefore more vulnerable to crushes filling hole - I need to admit it, acknowledge it with people, so I don't fuck with myself nor them. Maybe Robbie's right about dating - except, mainly I'm not interested in making an effort.
 Annnnddd... life is good. I have control within my narrow normal restrictions - there are always restrictions. All I can do is treat myself well, feed myself right, don't stress myself, esp about things that don't matter.
+++++
 Tue Aug 1.17 nm
 Up/in early for Sooz Skype night - interviewed two new temp people for while dept is mgr-free, sounds like we will get new dept head. These fluctuations at work are annoying/tiring - redundant - train yet another person - but only in context of everything else working well - don't let this one thing distract from good life, health, 18yrs at same job/cottage etc - all the good things.
 Yes. Good. Do my best today.
 Will I get to see E&Xo more? SF, work, Chinatown, or just hang out, meal?
 Subdudes BBQ this weekend.
+++++
 Mon July 31.17 nm
 Visit to Robbie's for getogether for Iain Xo - ate clam chowder before, they late showing up - good to see E, bug hard hug on front sidewalk - Xo showed up later, quick hug hello, then lots of space, important thing was to be in same house w/her, Iskander also visiting with sons, Sierra & other HS chums class of 92 - did I detect a connection, now, with HS friends, that after all this time, they were happy to see me - ? they all now near 40s, and me 63 - interesting - they looked older, wiser, sadder... but good!
 Someone talking about Giantess fetish, Eric Stanton book in Cammie, I describe, brought in, big hit, left w/E friend Max.
 Someone stretching legs, I ask about knees, he says sitting bad for hips, stretching helps a lot! Good news - hope - something to do.
 Gave Xo bag of organic jelly beans, talk about Noodlerella, gave her $100 (asked E first) in 20s, she seemed pretty excited about that, carefully counting, unfolding bills - a msg from me of trust, and experience power. She's great. Love her, and on way home let out a bit of sad dry eye cry. Suggested they visit SF Chinatown and come visit my office for view.
 Sent bunch of pics to K - no response this morning - maybe made her sad.
 Kind of emotional peak weekend - usually Sat is chill restful, Sun busy/hike etc - Sat was super busy productive, over/under bed - guitars, books, wires gone - put box of old electronic stuff on Shattuck/Fairview sidewalk, still there this morning when I dumped off 2nd collection. Those boxes of wires, guitar tuners/strings, cameras, outdated computer bits - took up lots of space, lots of duplicates - gone. Cool.
 Bed made, food in friend/cabinets, dishes done, stove ready, yard watered and weeded, venerable growing - lots of big ass cucumbers, ~6 avocados, one strawberry yesterday, lots of tomatoes on the way. None of which I will eat - I do it for fun, for myself - period - also enjoy gifting the house - so not resentment - it is 100% my choice - I may want more attention gratitude for it, but that's my problem. The thanks I get are the thanks I get. Let go.
 Haven't heard back from state tax folks re 2015 taxes - found letter from DMV asking for registration $$ - so, I just missed it, maybe got it mixed up with (?) letter from Siouxie donation place for tax purposes?
 Anyway - I'm feeling loneliness with Gil one, Gil who read my blog/fb posts, always liked/commented, who in his posts turned me onto all sorta great music, movies etc. Not isolated - let go of that - I like a certain amount of normal quiet alone times/solitude, but I'm with housemates, friends, facebook, work peeps -  hardly alone!
 All good. Life rocks and continues. I was low-key last night, gave Robbie 2 handrolls from dispensary, $40 towards snacks his gf Lisa bought and Kertesz photo book; started/engaged in conversations, talked about public performance/stage fright, other ways of exposing oneself (blog, online art), showed my Frida & 3 graces - on phone. Sipped about small whiskey & waters throughout 6-9:30. Seemed fine, feel fine now.
 Okay. Got that over with. Phew.
 8:30 - back to workweek - but eventful good weekend. Good feeling having my living loving space gone through, cleared out, modernized, updated.
 Before Robbie house visit: looked all through Cammie for keys, called dealership about replacement - ~$300, takes all day w/appt, shower/wash hair, smoothie & clam chowder, can I get just key to open door, start car w/out door lock clicker? That'd be fine! $300 for a couple of fucking keys? Not if I can help it.
 Cooling off about Nuria Mex/Ital artist. Good. Fun still, but irrational momentum of desire for sexual pleasure/photos etc fading.
+++++
 Sun Jul 30.17 nm
 So then I fell asleep, then woke up, but didn't sleep easy - excited about Iain/Xo visit tonight - how will it be - it will be fine. Today will be a good day. Feels odd not running right over first day, but respecting their boundaries/sensitivities - I said want to come over/they have not sent invite nor said come over now yes! - , may be unconscious familial tribal circling of wagons, I am not 100% known - etc - so this is how it plays, it's best to follow this path. Delicate situation - if I can handle Gil's dying and aftermath, I can handle this.
 Last night: Restless mind - feelings of foreboding - but physically comfortable.
 Thought about staying in bed, but - up ~7:30, taste of Nomad cappuccino already playing on tongue - today, back to bed for nap, Toyota dealership for replacement Cammie key; another good thing about yesterday's cottage clean-out: if the key was someplace obvious, it's have turned up - could be I had both keys with me - one in hippie bag - left it at Eric's or somewhere -
 - post-pm wank desire to share pics with online female friends gone - so, that tells me about that.
 Under bed was roll of quarters, 4 rags, 2 pairs 2.00 reading glasses - good shit, after winter emotional chaos ~Gil's illness/ending. Goddam he fought like a motherfucker -
 K posted:
 "The more we study engagement, we see time and again that just being next to certain people actually aligns your brain with them. This means the people you hang out with actually have an impact on your engagement with reality beyond what you can explain. And one of the effects is you become alike." I guess this confirms the theory that says that you are the average of your closest five people.
 Closest - K, Eric, Stacey, Buff, Sooz. In terms of people who know me pretty well.
 Nomad lox bagel breakfast - boxed Mideast lunch at home, get Bowl berries/eggs etc.
 Nap first - visit Stacey? Tilden? Or just take it easy.
 Excited to see Xo & Iain.
 Dropped white plastic box of old electronic digital cam modem etc on corner Fairview/Shattuck. Look into getting rid of roof rack/small fridge side of cottage. Bring Xo & Katie chocolates. Flowers.
+++++
 Sat Jul 29.17 II 9:04pm bed
 Freshly showered:
 Was it the extra sleep, and/or having out-of-country guests in town - ? Tons of focused energy on cottage clean:
 Water yard, farm Mkt Tibetan lunch; fun walking through Berkeley crowd - good vibes, yes, perfect lovely Summer day - didn't buy grub; on way home work gloves for yard, light switch cover, yellow light bulb (for OR deco lamp); priced garden hoses, need one with proper metal tip for water spray..
 Home: turn off power, replace cracked bathroom light switch plate, dishes, pull bed apart, saw dead rosemary limbs and all mallow stumps, pull out black rotted stump mallow was wrapped around - pull rocking chair out, empty corner area beneath Beate triangle table, movie projectors, Scott photos, etc vacuum everything - move in shoeboxes of negs/pics, slide boxes, papers from bed shelf into plastic file box, all Scott stuff, DVDs, Albums into Scott pic box (its day is over but that was marvelous, to be so useful, and do it well); pull out tons of wires, cords, outdated electronic stuff, early SLR digital cam, couple old phones (one from OR I could maybe use as home iPod?) -
 - anyway - pulled plastic storage and fridge from beneath bed, shoved stuff around, pulled 4 rags out from northwest corner - pulled out my three guitars:  Green acoustic, yard sale punk bass (Wargasm), pale green Fender electric - covered w/dust - , plus cords, strings, tuner, pick-up for acoustic -  decent haul - photo on fb got requests, but DJ had already arranged someone to come by. and he seemed real happy. Thank you DJ. Buff listening to ballgame. Got rid of books - not too many, enough to make room for what I'm going to read - moved Scott books under table with Scott box (that is a good sign) - some in car for Nicasio, some up street to give/leave box. Went through all drawers looking for 2nd set of car keys. Damn.
 Put everything back under - left cam/screen below bookshelf potentially gonna hook up to watch old 8mm movies.
 Just - tons of rearranging - not major stuff like art, clothes etc - mostly getting stuff back under bed, much of which was gotten out to make media available for Gil to see before he died. God damn it.
 Hellos during day to K, L etc.
 Go through all odds-and-ends drawers - including DVD/CDs - pull some out to watch (Ocean slomo) and move into phone - classical statue nude couple reminded me of Thiedra & erect husband pic Nur liked - send - she likes - pshop on marble junk - send - she likes, says 'Put your!' - uh, do I understand correctly? - bold - I say 'wouldn't match', but she 'You can do it'; added cock from '79 smiling hippie - which worked better than I'd've thought.
 I'd've thought would freak me out more? But maybe we are getting to a comfortable space with all that as adult artists - plus I've processed a bit - did not think to ask her for selfies - seemed  like a fun idea so I did it. So cool if so. I could offer to CWD a nude selfie if she wants, but let's wait for moment, not push anything.
 Smoothie, Stilton and bread for dinner - that works what the hell - took one of Gil's pain killers, 1/2 in morning, 1/2 late afternoon - to help with knee pain - if I'm careful I can move around, get under bed etc - but there's tenderness and or weakness -
 Anyway, great unexpected cottage clean-out - dishes, bed etc all tidied up - checking news, tumblr, Trump stuff etc throughout day - weird slightly out-of-body - or extremely sane - maybe bouncing back from last night's very mild really morbid worrying about knee pain, 'What ifs...?'
 Nice long rare nighttime hot shower - green bulb in deco light - still feeling a bit of Gil painkiller - maybe made me a bit cushioned off-balance earlier? - drank remaining CBD tincture - I think it does nothing - weird what tricks the mind can play!! - threw oil away last week - stick to flower. And 2 hits, which I also am barely feeling.
 Maybe sometimes I am less susceptible; I have expectations of pot that make gauging its effects difficult.
 K - wham - what a day -
 cut back mallow
 clean out beneath bed
 put tons of stuff back under
 throw out lots of old electronic connectors etc
 out go three guitars and accouterments
 general widespread cleanup tidying
 ending w/smoothie, stilton, fun 'sexy' art exchange w/online artist friend, shower -
 - most important: I'm feeling good, rested, feels good to get active - after-work walk Fri, house clean today - , more solid, engaged in my life, upward movement in healing. I can see and feel it, less withdrawn into myself/my pain.
 Might it work to lunch w/Stacey before soirée at Robbie's?
+++++
 Sat Jul 29.17 nm
 Mtg Fri @wk about after dept head Jeff's leaves - no news really, no changes - new person to train & we can do OT - maybe I should grab a bit. Do my bit and get the $$.
 Checked Bragg hotels - $230??? Coast sold out last week @that rate - bummer, means no summer overnights to Mendo/Bragg, unless sleep in car - which I may. Good side is not conflict between weekend on coast - visit Iain & Xo evening. It is a fraught situation in spite of affection, loving memories - because of divorce - so relaxing free days leading to it, that is a good turn of events. Bring present - flowers? Something - symbol of affection. Visit SF Chinatown and view from work. Let's see how initial visit feels - get past that gate.
 Easy weekend at home sounds good - morning Tilden walk in fog, Sun pm gathering at Robbie's, cottage need lots of looking into: Look for 2nd set of car keys, shoeboxes of pics/negs beneath bed, pull everything out - I'm avoiding it because bending knees hurts - there's no option, I can't stop moving because of knees, have to work around it - move more slowly - I took 1/2 of Gil's strong pain killer ~1hr ago - seemed to help immediately, psychological pain relief - maybe get one of those big bandaids to wrap knee?
 Knees bothering me - esp left - is it worse after sitting long time, should I get standing set-up? Despite tenderness: after wk - Chinatown, City Lights Books, help visitor w/maps, pork buns & chocolate macaroons, up Bush to Powell (California steepness too much - adjust rather than avoid). @home weary - two early days up in a row, mild stress about Iain/Xo in town, concerns/fear about knee pain, etc. Laid down ~8? In and out of sleep till after 7am - 10hrs+ - felt my body & mind needing it.
 All good - knee pain not end of world - people in serious chronic pain would - take care of myself, don't stress myself freaking. Of course I've always envisioned a potential old age walking between places, not adding that aches and pain might create a need for - attitude adjustment.
 Using Bank Card instead of Credit card
 Check in on Stacey
 And Xo/Iain - or just show up Sun
 Cottage clean
 Farm Mkt just to see what's up
 Yard can also use weeding & trimming
 and - etc - Tilden, I have weird/bad(?) associations with - wonder whatever happened to Chae. Looking into other nearby trails would be cool fun.
 K - all good - Yes. Thank you. Do my best today. This will be a good day.
 Make a solid accurate list of all extras I do at work (w/footnotes) - contact HR, ask for raise. If anything about doing more work comes up, I can say, I do all this, have not got additional acknowledgment by compensation - my job is secure, my loyalty proven, so what is my motivation for taking on even more? This is a perfect job for me: involves art/design, intellectually stimulating, 99% I can do easily, lots of human contact, keep me updated to most recent tech changes (how sad Dad & Mom were feeling 'left behind'), great view of Bay, satisfaction when training goes well, people seem to genuinely enjoy Frida/Game Theory stories. So many good things about work. Worth holding into and thinking of it long-term.
 If cottage or anything else falls apart, cross that river when I come to it. Many things can only marginally be planned for. I will mainly be responsible for myself.
 10:30 - been here close to three hours. Home, then market, the home to cottage & yard clean. Make plans to remoce old small fridge by side of house, and also car roof frame. Sounds great. I am a very lucky guy.
+++++
 Thus Jul 27.17 8:48PM bed
 Outgoing Dept head Jeff said dept mtg tomorrow, no hint of topics - I assume: office hours, new dept head/how admin stuff will be taken care of - assuming no earthquakes, job feels secure; Global Trainers call this 8am morning, lots of training coming up for new style. Not only training, but West Coast photos, templates, video editing,18yrs of networking. But they say no one is non-expendable, so keep feet on ground, eyes straight forward  -solid. I'd like to keep current hours - but - there's always ups and downs to any hours.
 Feeling a bit stressed about it - changes - a reminder that others are making decisions about my life. But odds are it's not going to be a seriously life-changing situation - like closing dept; I can relax about that.
 Work slow - yay - a break! Backtrack trains for seat, Rockridge BART for walk > 2 slices Colston Bassett Stilton! & espresso sit-down > had to pee, stopped in sushi boat $12 couple of rolls - refreshing - enjoyed walking through mid-summer late afternoon Rockridge, Elmwood, North Berkeley area  -
 Small party at Robbie's for Iain & Xo - anxious to see them, was looking forward to Mendo this weekend - told them in fb msg may not be able to make Sun - would need to leave Mendo by 2pm to make 6pm - so shit > conflicted, I shouldn't give up weekend on coast, also because next few weekends are Nicasio BBQ music weekends, on other hand I feel fucked/anxious about not jumping on first chance to see them both, especially Xo (compared to K who I meet at airport) - I'm putting too much weight on it - relax - it'll happen when it happens, more relaxed/organic the better - take my weekend vacation - I could use one - once we meet a few times it'll all be forgotten - I'm comparing it to UK visits with constant visiting, or K's US visit, and that's diff, too - we have always sent tone of time together. Very few people I can do that with - Eric, Gil - so it is special. So keep them separate - we will find the best way forward and learn how it - vibe - is.
 If I can get a hotel, go to Bragg early Sat - Sun morning time of coast - don't mess it up by trying to do too much, adding party - maybe dinner some evening?
 IM's w/Nuria Mex-Ita artist - shared intimate close-up pics shot w/AM - also Theidra and hub w/semi - she liked that, Theidra wearing veil. Talking a bout nude photos of couples, the difficulties - bottom line is I am not comfortable shooting naked men - I could get comfortable! - but am not inspired to, am not worried about on death bed thinking I'm secretly gay and should have photographed, played with & sucked more penises.
 Edited I've Tried Subtly from 88 tour CHI Metro, uploaded to much positive comments.
 Kind of fun day, actually - legs get sore at work sitting too much.
+++++
 Wed Jul 26.17 nm
 Complex 6hr Google theme at work, then last-minute WebEx train when Randy's LA flight delayed - tiring, but got it done.
 Trump bans transsexuals from military. WTF... sigh.
 Tired Skype w/Sooz last night - high value to keep connection. She likes to spend a lot of time in her garden - as do I - both lucky. She likes to hear how I'm enjoying Cammie. No word from Iain yet - he & Xo here for a couple weeks? - they have lots of family to visit etc, maybe visit this weekend or next week?
 No BBQ this weekend - Bragg hotel?
+++++
 Tue Jul 25.17 nm
 Minor little changes that add up to a lot:
 Didn't go to any Berk Rep plays this year - that's like $400 of tickets unused. End of that fixation I guess.
 Using bank card instead of credit card
 Less passivity at home: Roof leaking not "ok', nor offered hard alcohol, nor ignoring lawn watering etc.
 Tennis shoes to work
 Tossed cannabis oils; that & topicals etc don't work - got 1:1 CBD/THC last night - see if any effect
 Can't remember my last beer - still have sake w/sushi, and cocktail with (few/far between) fancy meals
 Daily showers even on weekend - wakes me up
 Less tithing while I replenish post-Gil/Stacey support
 Sent 88 Amherst house clip to Matthew Davis - many people from scene & in vid still around, minds blown - they had no idea vid existed, almost 30 years later there they are in band house sitting around post-gig with Game Theory/Scott Miller. Very cool.
 Chrissie Catalfomo's birthday
 Xo in town w/Iain - visit this weekend!?
 K - low energy yesterday, lots at work - photos, training, theme - after work: groceries; dispensary $60 of flower/tincture, recalled I had earned exactly $60 of free product, so zing! Sleep ~11, up ~6:30 -
 Regular mornings at Nomad provide sense of stability, home, coffee rituals, blog, check news sites - external stuff happens, E/Xo visit, people die, Nicasio BBQs, people die, mother gets older - good to have a still center of daily comics etc even tho they appear small, are hi-value. web of minor activities make life.
 I sound my whole life preparing for job, struggle to get one, after years of poverty finally luck out. And now - over - I have been prepared since childhood for that, too. Everything is going to be okay.
+++++
 Mon Jul 24.17 nm
 Comic book store & sushi w/Eric, he depressed, church couple had been staying at his place, woman had cancer, died couple weeks ago, man moved out, he has place to self, but closeness to death, plus church folk dying is tough. We talked about it, how after Gil took about 6mos to feel sense of well-being again; body pains starting to really drop off - can almost do full lotus again. Left him books, weed, smoked salmon bread. Gifties.
 Nuria sent final meditation drawing - pretty good! Language is a barrier, but we are sharing small things about lives - trip photos, being raised Catholic etc. This is her first male nude - she has done other female saints, Fridas body parts dripping w/honey etc. we have not really discussed personal stuff like her kids, our spouses or lack there of. Time for that. I'm cooling off, backing off. Think long-term, do not go for short-term mini-thrills. It is a little sexy fun in a life with not much sexy fun - don't blow it w/ overreaction, no excuses. Enjoy it for exactly what it is; don't use it looking for more, rationalizing well it's understandably - being understandable does not mean it's wisest most loving friendly step forward. Don't be cute. She's cool artist.
 Tired by EOD Sun - just wanted to get home to bed - ez drive home, and Cammie from Sooz makes huge diff: easy to drive, music, AC - yes. Thank you.
 E&Xo in town - brings 5yrs back burner divorce/never seeing Xo sad feelings around - sokay - deal - after will be better.
 Matt IM'd last week if I want to take pics of his new band - ehh - not into shooting bands these days. I should get back and tell him.
 Cousin Jim IM'd yest  -- I replied sporadically during day Sun - I think he is 1st cousin once removed(?) - my paternal grandma Alberta is his great grandma. My small family, getting smaller - my fam is/was kind of a mess - but so are most families. Embrace them anyway. There is not choice. Not like I'm any better. But did feel rejected - and that continues - so easier to reject back at those who reject me. Not good, I know.
 Anyway - drive to coast was lovely - during Sun trip: Cousin Jim, artist Nuria, Karen in UK, Iain & Xo visit US, Eric depressed/sushi, L sent painting, It's a life - life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Yes.
 Photo 1977 by Shelley Barn ette, drawing by Nuria.

+++++
 Sun Jul 23.17 nm
 Sit-around Sat - a bit down - stress  -general wanting to rest - after work, upcoming departure of dept head Jeff - Iain & Xo in town - let it go, let it happen - today will be good, at end of week I'll say 'that was good', end of life I'll say that was good.
 CWDs - uploaded, IM's w/Nuria about my nudes, she is doing drawing of me meditating 77 by Shelley B. I tried to do photoshop 'painting' over smiling hippie w/erection - didn't work.
 ~8:30pm drive to WF hot bar, salad, pudding - ate hot bar, 4 pudding cups, sleep ~10:30 - up ~6, fuckit head to Sonoma coast loop, Eric meal after if he's around - just get out, nothing to do in town, I'll be glad I did. Emailed Buf DJ about Angel in-and-out (they on overnight somewhere).
 All is well. Stable. Calm. Healthy. Happy. weird to see Xo after 5 years - she was a child last time I saw her, now she's a little person.
 K - 7:37 - lv at 8 for gville, coast, beautiful drive - have food, clothes, gas in car. Cool. Life is good.
 yes. Thank you. Do my best today.
 ***
 Gville 2:20pm
 Beautiful day: lv ~8, 55miles to SR exit, stop at River Rd fruit stand for bread/smoked salmon, 88miles to gville, breakfast burrito/coffee, coast before noon, heavy mist, sun glares thru, breeze, warm sun light cool breeze - south trail, down/back north on beach - high tide, sun burns through mist, beautiful deep saturated colors - blue blue ocean, clear sky - send pics/vid to Nuria & Karen - Nuria sent clip drawing from 77 nude meditation pic - that project is affirmation about my youthful body, healing - ocean walk, skip stones...
 Now to SR for grub w/Eric. Thank god for friends.
 1977 Berk Hills by Shelley B.

+++++
 Sat Jul 22.17 home 11:42am
 Laptop stopped charging last night, after 2 days struggling - put off Sonoma loop to get it fixed (was gonna do Mendo but coast entirely booked, then charger died); used macbook/phone at Nomad - ~10:30 Used Comps downtown, charger needed replacing $40 - coolio - best possible easy cheap outcome. Maybe SR to see Eric tomorrow - could do today, but cottage cleaning sounds good, DJ/Buff gone overnight -
 Viber was messing with Messenger so turned it off. So did *. Maybe get rid of it.
 Glued arm back on naked lady with deer - could have done that instead of paying $100 for a replacement I like less (paint job more glam, less innocent).
 But, good - laundry done, groceries, porcelain glued, dishes done - tossed 2 tubes of cannabis oil - failed experiment, does not clear moles, don't like Dopey high. Mex-Ital artist Nuria drawing me meditating nude 1977 (not 1979 siting smiling hippie erection pic) - I may do color version of that. Realized Nuria leg bath pic/shared erotica/IMs was fueling 'wanting gf' energy - sidestep that. This is not a real situation, doesn't fulfill needs, will last longer if I avoid hope for fulfillment of those desires. Sexual desire makes you crazy.
 This here cottage sunshine being on good terms w/Buff/DJ watching property/livestock - Iain out to visit for weeks get to see Xo. Infrastructure running well - job secure & fulfilling.
 Yes. Thank you. Do my best today.
+++++
 Fri July 21.7 laundromat 6:45pm
 Offsite, 8hrs of sitting there - Xo/E sposed to be in town starting Sun but no word from anyone - so I am waiting...
 Dept head Jeff gave 2 weeks notice - now what? Who will be in charge, do #s, reports, etc... no one wants that position - might Taf & Jeff both know something is going down, dept closing, so they getting while getting is good? Meh... more likely pay is up in town, and we are underpaid. I rationalize that I get to use pshop, video editing, scanner, get in late sometimes, take long'ish lunches - so...
 Thinking Reyes tomorrow, if there's hotel - filled thermos @Nomad (free, thank you!), try to lv ultra early before 7, groceries, shower tonight - no place I'd rather be, sushi w/Eric on way home.
 Long'ish IM w/Nuria, some sharing of background, have not talked about her kids yet, I am not going near asking for pics, leave it be, let it cool down.
 Sent 2015 tax form in w/explanation letter about $5k for art - see what they say.
 Most rest on list is wearing tennies to work, buying sweats, walking some mornings, clean out beneath work desk, bring home scanner?
 Crabby & cranky - sugar & work boredom - also stress about what happens in dept now - good time to visit ocean - sense of well-being increases - body feels more bounce -
 IM's w/* about Viber, signed up, tried it out - we'd rather stay on fb... we'll see...
 Finished The Hot Kid - damn that fucker can write.
 Considering setting up 8mm vid player near bookcase for viewing old vids - editing 8mins of Amherst 88 vid, uploaded for Matthew - he seems excited - sent a 1min clip to Ellen, Gil's friend - she dug it - and Veil bassist sent him proof sheet scans, and he was excited - cool -also, reactions to 1980 XMen @Antique Bizarre better than expected - The Suspects logo on Gavin's drumhead and Bass cabinet got remarks from Russ T & bassist. It's a good thing.
 Ocean. River. Sunshine.
+++++
 Thu Jul 20.17 nm
 Feeling more on upswing, confident,  - when death gloom overshadows all can be well but you don't fee it - now, sense of well-being reappearing.
 Wore tennies to wk, leave work shoes below or in drawer - wear tennies to and from, feel good walking; Coit Fri? Wed after wok walked to WF for berries - comfortable walking shoes made a diff. Makes walking fun.
 Invest time and energy into working body.
 Many more scans, 3 rolls of Oregon 2000 (?) - I think Oct 1996 OR trip maybe I did not have camera? I have OR trips mixed up - understandable - first was Oct 1996 - did not stay - yet, I have pics I associate with first vision of winter Oceanside in 2000 set - hardly matters, but want to get to bottom of it. 
 Bringing in more today - work offsite, so may be slow, lots of time for digging through/scanning shoebox at work.
 Nuria (Frida, painter, Mexican in Italy) back in Italy.
 No BBQ this weekend, maybe Stacey Sat & Eric Sun? But get a walk in there, too.
 Iain here Sun - see he & Xo ASAP. Want Xo to know she is a priority outside all else, me to her. And E, too. We need to know nhw it feels to be in same space after all this last 5 years. Jesus.
 6 months since Gil died, and just now feeling well-being, moving more and faster physically - E Leonard's The Hot Kid is amazing!
+++++
 Wed Jul 19.17 nm
 Slow work as offsite comes up - more like past when summer/holidays were predictably slower - nice - lots of scanning old negs/pics done.
 2hr Skype w/Sooz, Judd also stopped in, showed them Wheeler OR lamp,  talked about Buff/dinner/$60 Old Robert/New Robert drinking too much, suicide etc.
 Long IM w/*, got into family stuff:
 "* and I had been in touch after reconnect, and talked on phone regularly, about pretty much everything, uncensored personal intimate details - I have had some pretty deep long-term crush-y feelings - all the way back early 80s -, but * had none for me - that was understood, discussed and I think we were okay with understanding there was no confusion - when * snuffed it we were in touch a lot! supported each other emotionally etc During * memorial visit we were in touch throughout days, drove to memorial together - then she disappeared up the coast for days - no word - that was.. weird Then  She months later came to visit CA a couple of times, and did not tell me she was coming to visit - one time I found out when * told me he saw her at a party - That may not sound like much - but I thought our friendship had reached the point where of course she'd call if she was going to be nearby - I'd sort of invested a lot in reaching out to her and our calls were very friendly & loving So - I struggled to be objective (difficult with my sometimes very painful crushy slightly obsessive feelings), and it came down to, this was not enough - I'm not getting back what I want - So we are still friends, I will be there for her when she is in need, but I'm not going to continue to invest"
 There.
 Working out where it's all at.
 E coming out w/Xo Sunday.
+++++
 Tue July 18.17 nm
 Eating better, less - maybe slowly losing Gil year weight?
 Scanned a bunch of negs/pics - found 2 rolls had not printed before, early 90s, Gil & Stacey Taylor, Chris on scene, still getting along - hikes, Chae, barely remember many of those - stoner days - color backyard roll w/Gil/Shelley/Beast - that's a kick! XMen roll at Antique Bizarre, posted to several pages (mine, d80m, Scott) - 4 Nan photos, shopped one last night came out okay - sent Veil proof scans to bass player Pete Costello, he appreciated - more to look through today - going through pic/neg shoeboxes, some uncomfortable memories, but payoff is cool -
taxes
resole boots
walking outfit
vacuum glass
skype on macbook?
tape shower stall
body care top priority
+++++
 Mon Jul 17.17 nm
 Hot, bit o' allergies
 Sun 6mile Reyes walk up Wittenberg; 1.5mile loop east toward Horse trail back to Sky - bread/hummus to start - not enough - pbj/apple ~1/2way mark was good. Hot and still, did not push it -
 - noticed weakness is throughout hips, not just knees - getting up from sitting on ground difficult, sitting Shiva nearly impossible. Do something about it - yoga, Tai Chi, exercise - or get used to it, or both. Sat city walked 4miles, Sun 6 in Reyes - more more more. Ruthie Foster BBQ after - good stuff: 1 beer - yum! on a ht day, 1 Juicy Lucy - meh.
 Note: I get up and sit at Nomad 1.5hrs, then sit on BART, sit at work, and home to sit in cottage.
 That's a lot of sitting.
 Nuria asked me to choose one of my selfies for her to draw - waver a little, I say she is artist she should choose - chose 4 I think would make best drawings/photoshop - not objective: my young body, memories, in some my hard cock - is that redundant; definition cock is hard penis, right? interesting exercise trying to see them artistically -
 ~1979-1981 (polaroid 1992),

 Chose these 4 as best for composition, subject, line, space - potential good paintings - immediately after, tho self-interest sexual tug, felt good to see them distanced, 'objectively' as possible, as art, coordinate if not exactly collaborate w/artist on choosing best for drawing project. She had said she liked #2 best (as have several other women), so not surprised - except she mostly only does women paintings. I wonder, if she comes up with something good, if she would show it. I feel somewhat flattered, enjoy the attention, prob something like how  my models felt. Now let it and her go. I think I'm cooling off - pshopped her tub/leg pic, nothing happened - so maybe nothing there. This minor internet 'crush' is slightly worrisome - but will unwind itself and we'll be fine.
 K - all well - many negs/snaps to work for scanning. Reading The Hot Kid. Enjoying these long summer days. Bring sneakers to work for after work walks? Leave smelly work shoes in drawer!
+++++
 Sun Jul 16.17 nm
 Avoid redundancy here - need not list/mention general upkeep, groceries, yard, dishes, bathing. Assume life kept functioning/tidy.
 Sat walked to nBerk Peets/back - bathroom in Shattuck food court; on way back: art gallery, 1/2-priced books, comics store, gelato, Mech ATM $100; brought floppy green bag, stopped at Bowl for groceries. Bus is $2, rare on weekends, walk flat/easy. Balancing dehydration with not wanting to have to pee will be worked out. Eat apples and watery fruits rather than drink water? 4 miles - went well, felt good.
 New underwear, & shoes - snug but should work.
 Went through 2 shoeboxes of negatives, pulled out lots; also pulled out Veil negs from big plastic Scott band negative box.
 B stepped into backyard - I mentioned $60 I've given came to more than half, so it was not a treat at all - I'd misjudged, thinking total would be far more than it was (~$90). Rather than jump enthusiastically to set it right, felt a little like prying $ from his hands - 2x I asked if "okay with that?", gave him opening active generosity, but was passive - so I said it straight up, - this is New Robert vs. Old Robert - Old Robert bends over backwards, suffers, builds small resentments - like living with a leaking roof and saying "It's okay" - when really it's not, but I'll put up with it to keep peace with landlord, not make myself a nuisance w/front house - make myself small, barely existent - except to keep yard looking beautiful, watching the front house, etc. New Robert wants at least his share, with areas of generosity - like time/$$ investments in yard - but, tho it was my error, my neurosis to offer $60, since other offers of a meal as thanks for watching house & kitty had never happened, when one finally did, it was important for me to get it right. It is a show of thanks, and rather than say 'no no I don't deserve it' - make myself small and saintly -, or ignore snub when offered meal doesn't come through, it was important to me to say yes, I deserve that, my bad for being over-generous - but fact is I overpaid and want some back. If we were just friends maybe would let it go - but as housemates with history of small resentments on my part, it was better to swallow pride, and make it right. And now it is. New Robert. B thanks me for setting it right, rather than feel resentful. Tightrope. Tah-dahhh!
 New Robert walks across town for fun - next, walk to Solano and bus back? How far from Solano to NBerk BART?
 Heated up clam chowder w/bread in yard dinner. Yum! Bread/potatoes filled so no snacking later.
 Walk 4 miles, photo boxes, groceries, settle thanks-you-sushi $$ situation.
 Today - lv ~11 do 5mile Bear Valley, Ruthie Foster Nicasio.
 Uncomfortable with excitement about Nur ia - walking more pleasure still after tub leg photo. Trying to have fun, keep light communication, but back out of pleasure hunt, not send out false signals. She offered to do a drawing for me? I asked for clarity.
 Worked one of Nan's nudes, textures/color, posted waist-down on private page - Nuria had asked if I would post more there, that inspired me to see if I had more to share. There's a shot of Chae with big shadow I thought was 2nd-3rd tier, but actually quite good, changed to group header - look for more? Keep working creatively.
 Tom & Joan driving Mom to see Shirley in Cinci - so no call this weekend; awareness of how distant I am from Fam, and that it's my choice.
 9:30.
+++++
 Sat Jul 15.17 nm
 Slept good - rather than list all good things to be thankful for here plus small talk - do it real time - don't take up space redundant here - don't need to include sleep/awake - it's about 7hrs - lv shit out unless it's noteworthy.
 Thinking about walk across town - ~2 miles to Peet's Virgina - bus back - neighborhood walks for exercise, exploration -
 Long IM w/Tess about K - we are on same page, she heard same things as I - kinda good confirmation
 Nicasio BBQ tomorrow - today could do more shoebox photo explore, tho I found that kinds depressing the other night - but- also found fun stuff to scans - hmp
 Iain/Xo visit plans change - expected them July - now prob later
 Going to start using bank card/Visa instead of MasterCard credit card - make sure I'm nor getting robbed - sometimes it seems like I'm paying more in, more often than seems right - could be I'm spending more than I know - anyway, switch to see if notice anything -
 Mex/Iti Nuria mentioned not being able to look back through IMs for photos, I asked if she wants me to make a private folder, yes. Ah, just read this morning's IMs, she corrected  - no - that she has them in her folder - phew, dodged a minor but unnecessary escalation.
 K - shower stall needs taping, porcelain Diana with fawn need finger glued on, still don't find the web cam for Tues Sooz call - MacBook? - find home for old mini-fridge & roof rack.
 All vacation etc financial hits - I think settled into ~52.5, w2K Jazz/Blues to be taken out - no big names at River fest, still excited and looking forward to it, good times.
 Reading Elmore Leonard's The Hot Kid - quick nap after work - sudden yawning fit on BART - Sushi thank you for watching house/cat w/Buff, we got lot, & 3 sakes, sposed to be Buff's treat - new place (to me) in Temescal -I went in $60 so I think I paid more than 1/2, which wasn't idea; thought that counts - keep peace - after years we finally had The Talk - briefly about our drinking, my alcoholism, enjoying drinking with him, but dangerous for me, staggering, trouble standing up, all that don't feel comfortable with. We can drink together in backyard, but let's keep all this in mind. Cool.
 Looks like another lovely summer day.
 May my current comfort continue, if it does not may I have grace and strength to live through whatever comes well.
 June 2013 ~1wk before Dad died.

+++++
 Thu Jul 13.17 II home 7:38pm
 So here's the thought:  This is redundant as fuck -
 Job/Cottage/Friends/Car/Yard/Health/Finances decent, music, photoshop fun etc.
 Depressed/sad about Gil's death, body pains - upper left arm, knees, sometimes hips
 Bla bla
 I'm unfollowing pretty much everyone on fb, including people I've friended lately over Gil's death - family members  etc - music people I no longer have connections to - Geoff Ball had a SF 'reunion' show of sorts, Bla Bla Bla w/Fred/John etc - a musicians clique - considered it, but eh - why? I'm moving on I think. Gil was my big fun connection - but there's nothing really going on there. Seems.
 Anyway - far less fb - much more choosey about who I do stay in touch with.
 Get walking. Get eating good food. Get away from sugar.
 1 veggie day/week, and one sugar-free day/wk is a great do-able idea.
 Stop the daily repetition here - make it count, or don't do it.
 Yes.
 There's nothing to report. It will take time to get over depression.
 Been 5 years since Frida Kahlo viral.
 20 years since DUI, AA, sobriety, divorce, job.
 It's an old tale, leading me to this moment, which is a breath.
 Stop and take a breath.
 Gil's dead. Scott's dead. Shelley has moved on. I'm alive & enjoying my life.
 I've got tendrils slightly out in case Shelley/Tom come around, but don't count on it - I have set bar high, as I did with Dad; and I'm comfortable with how that turned out. So keep a light on, but don't wait up.
 Reassess. I mean - this is helpful regardless - but - could  be more so, could be improved, could be just as good with less time invested - could be just as good if I walked 2 miles first.
 When I stop, and go sit outside, I see hummingbirds.
 Looked in shoebox negs last night - found Big Shot w/Ray, others - Shelley/Sarah polaroids - scanned, made fb gallery for Ray/Paige.
 See - like that - I write all these details partially to show myself I am doing things, it's not an empty life - but I know that.
 Trust myself. Live now confidently. Life is good now.
 I have stopped pudding and cookies every night - have not noticed weight loss, but bound to be happening. Talked to drugstore lady about ointments to remove moles etc, she said they were marketing/fake; said she didn't notice my mole and smiled, and that was more healing anyway.
 ~1992?

+++++
 Thu Jul 13.17 nm
 Body pains - knees, arms etc - I really hope this is grief and not age or something else.
 But - while depressed, which is 'okay' now that I have grip/focus on it, can ride wave, make sure it's not getting out of hand/destructive e.g., leading to drink, or withdrawal curled up in bed, overeating etc -
 Reading May blog printed in Word - redundant - but - served purpose while I Mean Christ sitting bedside with wife & friends of best friend as breaths last bones and organs ravaged with bone cancer - whatever it takes to get through that is fine - write write write better than drink eat isolate -
 I keep coming back to people like Shelley & Tom, taking myself down dead end hole trying to understand, figure it out - but no outlet! - wind up placing blame on them or myself - but - we are not invested in each others' survival - there's no love there - with Donnette even there was a history and reservoir of love from early 80s - good times - support. Maybe with both of them I want a sense of love, generosity, support - need it from them - nothing less will do. A shallow howdy-do acquaintanceship is not in cards - too much history - as a kid I looked up to Dad & Tom, so there's also that.
 Anyway - no need to bang my head against the wall about it - it's me who's uncomfortable, and not their job to make me comfortable. So take the 'blame' on myself if I must place blame - but really - it's understandable, don't kick myself for being human - and accept that what I think I want to not gonna happen ever. None of us want it enough to make an effort. Passively stand by while it dies - what dies? Hope? Potential? Imagined hope and potential. Romanticized notions. I want to think it through and get to bottom because I want to let it go. Or perhaps this through process is part of letting it go, and it takes more time - maybe more than a lifetimes - because the roots go so deep - right? Right. with Tom I want to go back and change childhood so he likes/liked me, was nice to me. Never happen. With Shelley I want to post-divorce for us both to make an effort to be fair and kind to build trust. Not going to happen. Ever.
 K - got lots of facepage-type work done Wed, felt good, focused. Enjoying long days - but sat at home, internet, Buff came in to see lamp, sushi Fri -
 Sleep ~10:30-6:15, snooze till 7:10 - cool -
 I am recalling body pains before Gil's death - esp knees, esp getting in and out of bed - unlikely to be all psychological - I think I have not been hard on my knees, but actually in Davis I biked vigorously a lot for years - so is best thing to do lose weight / walk a lot to make muscles strong so other weakness is compensated?
 A new generation is coming who grew up with computers so phones/photoshop etc is in their DNA. Still, I ought ot be able to get some temp work to fill in my social security.
 Meantime, I have a few good friends, a lifetime of experience, a home & job, 50K in bank, $100 in my wallet, BBQ blues show coming up this weekend in Nicasio, and Blues/Jazz weekend with Eric in September. I can help my friends in need - financially and other - because I am financially and emotionally stable (being unable to have friendship w/ex-wife/old brother/Dad not a sign of emotional instability).
 Life is good, yes, thank you, be good today.
+++++
 Tues Jul 11.17 home 8pm
 Eating BB salmon sushies...
 Mon & Tues into wk early or photos/25 trainees - not really feeling it, enthusiasm, or feeling of accomplishment after - no doubt depression over Gil - fuckitty fuck fuck. Really looking forward to many more years of his company, humor, shared memories, love & intimacy - shit - what a disappointment -
 Photos, welcome flyers, uploads went well - training went well I think, but to much about me, my desire to do it - be a teacher - expert - could be Gil depression, or am just, after 18yrs, over it. Get the curriculum better together, maybe skip some of the stuff like Design and Frida/Game Theory - write an actual agenda and go by it -
 Mon pm, after backtracking on BART (tonight, too) to get seat, drove to Rockridge for sushi bar - that was pretty fun! Mentally detached, strolled down to Pegasus (?) bookstore. Tonight, home ~6; ~7pm walk to BB for berries/bread/bananas.
 What about some other after work neighborhood walks - ?
 Finished Up In Honey's Room - now The Hot Kid. Printed May blog in Word, reading it on BART - lots of redundancy. Also Harold Hedd Hitler's Cocaine - pretty stupid, but wth, satisfied curiosity.
 Beautiful weather, enjoyed BB walk - lunch buffet potatoes and lentils - seems to be very filling - I want to make my own lentils, carry my home-made lunch to work at least 1x/wk. I make excuses, working, kitchen too small - but I have a cooking phobia - I could soak lentils, cook, add spices, and freeze hand-rolled tortillas with maybe some chicken in it? That would be fun, smart, cheap and yummy - and learning could lead to other food smartness.
 Hummingbirds at the Japanese lantern vine at cottage door. Forgot to Skype Sooz, but also can't find camera - huh
 Withdrawing, healing, photoshop work getting more abstract obtuse design-y... weary... hey, I can retire and work part-time yeah? Why not? Temp jobs? Unfollowing almost everyone except close friends on fb. More time walking. Eat good food.
+++++
 Sun Jul 9.17 II home 8:45pm
 Good Mexican lunch on Solano w/Stacey - felt better after.
 Straight over to Nicasio for Peter Rowan birthday - that is good stuff, not a sold-out crowd, but what a voice and musicianship - very cool.
 Tired - should have stayed in bed that extra hour - bed early tonight, new hire photos/fliers tomorrow - now feeling less stressed - odd - maybe - seeing Stacey I feel less alone, eases stress of losing Gil since we can share pain. I know hers is so much worse, but I also need to talk about mine, and she hers - she knows I know she's more in need of love and support.
+++++
 Sun Jul 9.17 nm
 Forget it, photos and training is just part of my job - I don't have to be 'perfect' every time, or live up to a reputation etc - just do it best I can as I always do my job, and move on - my life is outside work - eat, sleep, shit, walk, shit, entertain myself, keep up my environment, keep up social connections, get into nature - I just did 2.5 weeks without work, did not lose my self of self identity - get used to idea of my being what I do - I am not my job - working class, yes, raised to work, born to type, I want to imitate Dad, I am my father's son, arguing, articulate, needing to be right, working in an office, getting respect - but that is not all of me, when I step away form it I can say I did it, I do not need to prove it over and over.
 Fixed income is what they call it. Social security. Medicare. I started with nothing, living rough, barely scraping by on handouts, scrounging table scraps, poor, homeless, ignorant, crazy - that went on till I was early 40s - then got some help from a few, esp Karen - so for 20yrs I'm doing better - earning my own self-respect and that of others - consistent, persistent, still creative, still me, did not become a conservative etc - still sweet, smart, loving, wounded, creative Bobby Boy -
 - Sat after Mom call/yard work/laundry, drove to BB for berries/prepped soup/salad/sushi/eggs/meals stuff/two chocolate bars - in yard consumed ate warm bowl of vegan lentils with bread; put black THC oil on face blemishes, sucked extra off 'needle' - plus tincture - got into a dark funk, bordering on depression - slowed me down, barely got bed made w/chocolate bar squares reward between layers, clothes away, laid in bed for an hour feeling useless - yuck - fuck that oil stuff - too much of a downer on my system; ~7 drive downtown for 2 slices of Arnell's yummy pizza, 1/2 priced books, 1 scoop of chocolate gelato - (Note: one scoop did trick - as one bite likely would have). That's better - food -
 - if/when I retire, maybe best to quit pot, as I won't have same life stresses associated with work, and it may paralyze me, increase sense of isolation, make it more likely to tip into darkness/depression? Tea instead - :-), and walking.
 Making a point of stretching. squatting etc - working body - pain is inevitable, but crumpling into unmoving fearful ball not.
 Sat pm stayed up late high shopping on Oregon photos - meh - but fun, and learned stuff, what can/can't be photographed, some surf stuff, movement catches the eye - still don't look like much - and video maybe has to be better quality/higher res -
 Unfollowing tons of people on fb - basically backing out - watching their feds is not the same as active engagement, time together.
 Got link to 88 tour video on BJ's server, sent to Brad O, Liz & Ellen (Gil Chicago friends), Tess (Nan daughter), Deanne Franklin (88 sound tech) -
 IM'd Stacey about brunch today - she says call after 10 - 9:17 now - need to shower first - was planning to lv for Reyes 7mile ~10, but this is better, more necessary - body needs work, but also rest of me - soul - heart - mind - electrical field - organic senses -
 K - Buff/DJ back today
 Sleep ~11:30pm, up ~6:45 - might as well be used to it - in early Mon for photos facepages - cool - prep for 30 people - then Tues 9-noon - easy - do it, have fun - do what they need, not what I need - maybe quick skim through Frida/Game Theory stuff? - 5mins ? Have fun by doing job well, yes.
 Sat is often my errand/chore day: front house care, clear out yahoo emails, clear out facebook following, call Mom, water front/back yard, clear out side of cottage, laundry, vacuum/sweep cottage, groceries, downtown pizza/book store/gelato - probably more, photoshop Oregon pics - add up how much $ I spend on art, note how much I have and how much pleasure it brings to my life, note how much beautiful yard brings to life, waking nap - bring in cucumbers for Buff/DJ - weed - contact Stacey about brunch today, contact BJ about 88 video/share link with others.
 Looks like a life to me. Of course.
 Now - maybe my body pain will go away as grief subsides into simple life sadness - but I tell myself, when I get older, have time, I'll eat better/cheaper - make own food - walk/exercise make it all part of my daily - now is the time. I'm 63 - now is the time. Make my own food - $4 for bowl of BB lentils, I could make big bowl that'd last a week, add spices, wrap in tortilla etc, with a bit of chicken and veggies far far cheaper.
 Got it - I like it - good set of values/paths forward, real work on my living space, care of shared space friends, care for yard which is great fucking fun and good for body & soul in case I ever forget, cleaning out emails, backing out of facebook, getting music right on phone - looking into alternative for L.
 Home, shower, call Stacey about brunch bring all BBQ stuff, lv for Nicasio ~2:30?
 Life is very very good - thank you. 19yrs in cottage, w/these Karen-connected friends, working yard, bright orange cosmos' in little bed next to path, close to groceries & public transit. Super. Yes. Fortune smiles on me. Maybe this system is set up a little so if you work hard, do well, don't misbehave too much - things might work out.
+++++
 Sat Jul 8.17 II cottage 3:09pm
 Called Mom - some difficulty communicating about legal pot in Oregon - she pushes back, tries to change subject, I am annoyed - Just say "Interesting", instead of weakly pushing back, comparing it to slavery (???) - she's a weirdo, Dad was a weirdo - family of weirdoes.
 Laundry in front house, bedding, towels, some clothes made one big load, some in dryer, some on line.
 Cleared out Yahoo emails, also unfollowed almost everyone, even GT members - even Ram Dass/art people I like & benefit from - too much social media, esp now with phone.
 Cleared out vines etc side of cottage, loosely filled green bin - not too bad, good to have done - Ficus tree in Asian pot next to plastic chair rooted deeply in ground through small hole in bottom of pot - had to pull it out, but what about planting it somewhere? In alley is about only free spot. Hmmmm....
 Arm did not hurt, nor knees during yard work
 Mom said when Dad was in sanitarium for TB she had arthritis pain, similar to pain I'm getting from Gil's death. Good to know. Thanks Mom. We may irritate, and even drive each other crazy, but good; family.
 So: Mom, side of cottage, laundry, now walking to BB for groceries.
 Can still go through shoeboxes of snapshots - whatever - beautiful weather - nice to have a day off and house to self - DJ/Buff back from Oregon music stuff tomorrow -
+++++
 Sat Jul 8.17 nm
 Okay - don't know what was up Fri with sordid sullen body pain general unhappiness - but later in evening sitting in backyard had a blub, and noted: everything is good, I'm happy and content - except - I miss Gil - I'm sad - he knew me better than anyone, and still liked me, we had so many stories and ongoing shared life events, and I could tell him anything - now he's gone - fever. Fuck. Blubbed a bit. This is maybe how it will be - life goes on and is good, but sadness in it now - always will miss Gil, feel sad, upset, angry, disappointed that he fucking died. Damn it.
 Now let go as much possible - this is reality, this is life. As sad as it is, it is not like Stacey who's lost half her income, soul mate, daily support etc. Check in with her.
 Got pretty high last night, feel asleep watching slo-OR videos.
 Sat v high in backyard - Buff/DJ still in Oregon - big red lights in datura - brought out light show, plugged into red light end -oh my - turning pulsing colored lights on underside/sides of trees, bushes, nature, etc - perfect visual pleasure - hypnotizing - beautiful. Cool. :-)
 Still sad tho. Have a to find a way to do sadness respectfully without making it more than needed so it becomes destructive, self-pitying etc. Make it positive somehow, like bunnies on Blues Day hat, a memorial to his love. I hate that that happened to him.
 Dad's dad died, then older brother in WWII, other family members to cancer, brother to suicide - Mom in alcoholic family, drunk brother died in LA, - bad scenes - forgive them their weaknesses - they suffered far more than I have. Apply to everyone, and to myself. I'm okay. Point is, how to deal with so much death - Catholic church. Needed help. Like I needed AA. In some matters we all need help.
 Love and forgive.
 Today: 
 Farm mkt for fruit etc
 Small laundry
 Clear out side of cottage - where to put old fridge?
 Thinking about car rack
 Tilden?
 Look through shoe boxes of photos to scan
 Call Mom
 Some front sidewalk plant chopping to be very clear
 Front yard looks great - in a street neighborhood lined with refurbished expensive houses, ours is old and needs paint, but is 80% covered with beautiful plants, and there are celebratory colored lights in two of the big bushes. We bring beauty to neighborhood, and neighbors appreciate it. Not much money to put into appearance; lots of love, care, new exciting plants/flowers, decorations. That's a vibe and energy, and lesson that time and effort pays off with enjoyment. Also toys to passing toddlers to enjoy - that's the best :-)
 The big orange flowered stump covering is almost out of control - so big! Vining into gutter.
 Also, 2 big cucumbers - one I pulled off put in front house, one trapped in metal frame - cut it out when Buff/DJ get back. Ate a small strawberry. Watered front and back - makes me feel good, invested, connected.
 Pics from K&XO of gay day parade. :-)
 Now - home - laundry - start side clear-out. 9:55am
 My life is full of stuff, mostly upkeep changes around edges. Success. Good.
+++++
 Fri Jul 7.17 home 6:52pm
 Feeling slightly yucky:  ~6 bags of salted peanuts, 2 cinnamon rolls this morning, up early? Upcoming big group new hire photos training. Dropper full of mood enhancing cannabis tincture ~1hr ago - nuthin'. Hmp. Sunny summer hot and beautiful. Med/cop BART emergency, I took backward to 16th/Mission, got seat in near empty car that became really crowded, punk lady sitting next to me had friendly chihuahua wanted to lick my hands smell/lick everything I owned. This morning reading Up In Honey's Room (2nd time far better now I know Leonard's style) so engrossed I missed stop, walked back from Montgomery - picked up rolls hardly anyone wanted.
 Art I've bought:
 Glass jellyfish $500
 Quilt $1,000
 Ceramic blob $350
 Erotic ceramics $1,500
 Deco lamp $500
 Nude porcelain $200
 Frida painting $800
 Naked native American mom $30
 WV Glass plate $80
 Metal penis dog $300
 Ceramic sake rabbit $200
 Big Ceramic donut $200 (?)
 Gray ceramic heart thing $165 (?)
 No doubt stuff in yard I'm not recalling - white figure, mother nature rabbit statue, but inside house comes to ~:
 Close to $6K - that's prob like avg $1K/yr - still - keep an eye on it.
 I don't need them - lamp and quilt - but yes I do, to be happy now. The lamp, the quilt, glass jellyfish, ceramic sake rabbit etc - all of them I enjoy, if I don't I get rid of them. Yes yes - food for the soul, yes.
 Anyway - yes - made yet another slomo version of OR ocean/driving vids - slower still, bit less saturation - check it out tonight, fun.
 All these external things happened: Gil dies, Sooz gives me Camry & leaves, I insist B&DJ fix leaking roof, Karen visit book show, cell phone w/GPS voice activation etc, credit card limit to $6K, WEF visit old friends/models, - oh right that, how will it be? It was good -, financial support & GoFundMe for Stacey, Gil's memorial, visit WV, Mom/Beth/Anne, visit 1203 Larchwood/neighbors - WEF was May - 1,5 weeks before OR trip to chill, dive deep, reasess, alone alone alone yes. Who am I now below external events.
 I'm okay seems to be the answer - feeling a bit older - old - worried more about future than past. Naturally.
 A life with few worries tho - good job, cheap rent, friends, housemates ward off loneliness thank you. Invest more in that - a little.
 Okay - thinking still of eating less, more veggies, stretching and - and - deleting many liked fb pages, unfollowing people who post lots of art - it's keeping me on facebook all the fucking time and I want off.
 Stiff neck/shoulders - 7:30 - Buff/DJ back Sunday - I think I'm a little depressed, or tired and sugared up - maybe a good mideastern salad from WF would help. Sat in backyard for a while last night with datura red lights on watching videos - that was fun.
 Bluegrass/Peter Rowan birthday BBQ Sun - nice.
 Also, converted all cell phone song files to MP3s so can play in car.
 Getting things done - and a light package is here - porcelain girl with fawn? Let's see. Earlier, sitting in yard, hummingbird checked me out.
 Life is very good. If I also want to feel good - try good food, exercise, fresh air.
+++++
 Thu Jul 6,17 nm
 Wed contacted CA Tax & DMV online - got till Aug for taxes, paid Registration fee & penalty - wtf? - I don't recall getting a request? Whatever, easy enough to deal with both.
 Ordered new Rockport work shoes & underwear from Amazon, moved pics off phone/camera onto both work & home backups - combined all Oregon ocean/driving, etc videos, made 1.25hr slomo video - got high/watched 1/2 last night - good stuff - long shots of just surf - good for me! - , wind-blown sand looks cool slowed down.
 Putting THC tar on facial blemishes - see what's up - if nothing, then I know.
 This feels like a soft post-vaca landing compared to previous years, last year was extra tough.
 Yard looks great, took out garbage/green bins, Grandson Michael came by last night/worked out how/when/what to feed Angel while B&DJ wherever they are.
 4 bags of peanuts @wk, no cereal, more greens less meat/carbs at lunch - is there veggie/Mideast bar nr work? Can I bring from WF?
 Used facial sunscreen & spray-on limbs at Nicasio BBQ.
 Last night ~10:10 bread, cheese slices/salami - mmm.
 Settle back down, quiet, less reach-out, no intimate 80s photo shares, desire for more Nuria body shares much faded -
 Good. back to boring normal - keeping in my mind that boring normal is where I want to be - desirable.
 Life is good - long summer days - enjoying them - cottage full of art -
 Putting art form Oregon - Japanese snow print and naked Native American woman & child - on walls - took down long narrow cityscape print - all is well - ...
 Sleep ~10:30 - up 6:30, snooze till 7:20.
+++++
 Wed Jul 5.17 nm
 Quickly time is short - 1st day back to work after 17 days vacation
 Sun not much, some weeding, watering, cat care - pbj, ~3 head to Nicasio, easy drive, light traffic - huh - beautiful weather, thank you - makes all diff - Zydeco Flames, pretty good, not deep heart stopping cultural good, but yes, party music, not deep heavy Americana - 3 Juicy Lucys w/time between, bottled water, salmon BBQ - seem to have got away with it, danced a bit on side porch - solo dancing, lady asked if I want to dance, no, but thank you - that's allowed tho I felt a little bad for her - stayed for whole show, whole audience standing ovation dancing at end - that's a party! Bob said leave TV off, America is doing fine. Nice to hear something optimistic.
 EZ drive home, lovely, tapes - WF open! Till 8, I get there 7:50 Mideast salad bar, pudding - dispensary for oil, & tincture, but got uplifting rather than calm mood stuff, same CBD/cannabis ratio & ingredients with diff herbs. Try 1 drop in smoothie.
 Make list with daily check-off to avoid snacking on garbage at work, and look into healthier snacks.
 Call CA Taxes and also DMV about registration.
 See if I can get pictures off phone at work - not working on laptop.
 Here we go.
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 Tue Jul 4.17 nm 10am
 Pulled in, at peace, somewhat isolate - this is right, how it should be, outside workday schedule every minute etc - rent and extra keep us at the job - but listen, I am 63 + 3months - in 9 months I'll be 64, in 1y+9months - less than 2 years, I'll be old enough to get Social Security & Medicare plus whatever other income I get from job. Interesting. Is that true? - I can keep working and collect SS? Look into it. Pay and advisor.
 Small taste of post-work freedom - still contrasted w/work, so skewed that way, but - walking to Nomad this morning was like, nothing to do? Good - that's perfect - life basically cleanly organized, so just needs basic upkeep - upkeep is habitual, so much mental free time, because infrastructure & upkeep are taken care of responsibly. So post-work, I ask now what would I do with myself? Walk, exercise, read, play music, get high, watch TED talks, improve myself, library, movies, free events, senior centers etc. I would not need to replace job's constant activity, ready to react/perform: quit job, replace nothing with nothing.
 Just saying - no need to quit, I like income/job itself (if not work in general), but I don't need it for sense of self - I just had 2.5 weeks on road & by ocean - was not bored once. At 63 am more like woman or cat and just want to be. Enjoy. Lounge. Garden. Create. Just saying -
 - retire @65?, income cut in half, savings won't last - nothing is secure - job, & 'career' of sorts - graphic arts/photography/training - retire, work part-time somewhere? But where to live? Don't want to be lonely and that's a fact.
 Fairview w/Buff&DJ has been enormous benefit - I don't think I take it for granted - remind myself regularly how fortunate/blessed I am to live with them, w/yard, kitties, friends, close to Karen network etc. Every day remind myself to grow gratitude - that's good thing, not sign of weakness - we all need to be reminded to love every breath, enjoy every sandwich, love our God children, call our Mothers, dance, sing, enjoy music, get high, enjoy hot showers and healthy food, taking care of our bodies and minds while we have responsibility for them. I'm nothing special - except to my friends and maybe a small musical network - don't look to be more than I am, or more like anyone else out of envy - love this what I have now.
 Chill Mon and today, Zydeco this afternoon @BBQ. Out up art posters -
 Putting THC tar on cheek & forehead w/round bandaids - surprised if there's any effect.
 Maybe clean out side of cottage vines etc - figure what to do with old fridge. Love my new bigger fridge - enough room! What the fuck. And nice car - phone w/GPS/voice recog/photo send etc - credit card - I think it's taken ~1.5yrs to get from $1.5K to 6K, every 6 months - 1.5 to 2, to 4, to 6.
 So, yes - right now today - happy and contented - thank you, yes, be good today. Do not drink too much at Nicasio! Danger time. Last minute trying to gain every leisure moment out of vacation period - 2 beers, with 2 waters - or 1 mixed drink + 1 beer + 2 waters - at beginning of each band, with food in middle(?). Zydeco - yeah!
 This pulled-in isolated time is good, from below I see effects of death wind blowing over surface of ocean and here in dark depths I breath water and feel the pain of loss, as it should be - working out what is necessary grieving and what is ego clinging - I can do this. Thank you Gil for all the love and friendship. I miss you terribly.
 10:40pm.
 Home - 12:30pm - watered front /back again, Angel ate her food thank god, like how yard smells feels when thoroughly watered - moist air, smell damp earth, wood, leaves - yes - happy vibe from happy cool moist plants, earth, insects birds who need drops.
 Last night found German porcelain girl with fawn Etsy $145 - ordered - seller emailed, finger is broken, he has it - $100? - sure - better than current I recently broke arm off of; glue finger on. Fun. Art art art.
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 Mon Jul 3.17 II 5:00pm
 Vacation continues - and 3day wk starting 2 days from now - Wed - putting oil on two face marks, def getting a lightheaded high - nice tho; why shouldn't I treat this vacation day like a coast day, sit around, move as necessary or desired.
 Nice wank, drive to Mechanics for quarters, cross street for small circle bandaids for face oil - doubtful, but what the hell - it's, as said to Eric, a hobby - tho a hobby that led both of us to learn about medicinal cannabis, how it improves our quality of life. :-) So good hobby, more than hobby. Stop at WF on way home, didn't even thinking about Berk Bowl - slip back into old habits. BB going forward.
 Yes, cushion of relaxation from oil - I can learn to get used to it. How to take edge off with small doses, rather then become dull or even numb.
 Small tasks - hang art, move water jugs into car, paper work - could look into Cal state taxes and DMV Registration both.
 Dang - nice car, credit card, cell phone, 2 laptops, cottage, yard, art - bet if I added up my art purchase - getting to $5K - not too bad over a period of years - esp since I fucking enjoy it. :-)
 K - back to small moves - maybe Tues Reyes hike before zyedgo BBQ? Or take it real easy and just do the music. I can do what I want. 17 day vacation. Cool.
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 Mon Jul 3.17 nm 9:30am
 Good to be home - esp w/2.5 open days before work, & Nicasio Zydeco BBQ tomorrow -
 Drive: Oceanside to Coos Bay: 4hrs
 Coos Bay to Willits: 6:45
 Willits to Santa Rosa: 1.5
 Santa Rosa to Oakland: 1
 = ~13hrs - yep. Coos-Willits almost 7hrs was most tiring - but plenty of sunshine & daylight, few stops, Cammie/cruise control./power steering/AC/tape player made it far more tolerable. Thank you Sooz < Karen < Scott < me. "I have this talent you need, plus access to darkroom, studio etc - Let me play."
 Dry-erase:
 'Train trip
 Body care
 Top priority
 Skin
 Weight
 No carbs
 1 day/week veggie
 Stretch
 Walk
 Car registration
 2015 taxes'
 Put new deco lamp on book shelf - I like it! Total self-indulgent decoration. Not very humble austere monk'ish.
 Black THC tar on face spots - seemed to sink in and maybe relax body.
 Slept well - up ~7? Snooze - meh water yard, cucumbers growing on climbing vine, tomatoes vining into datura, quarter-sized avocados, let Angel out/in, nice sunny morning -
 Sun short drive Willits to SR for sushi w/Eric, hot in Willits! No wifi cafes! Stop at Ukiah Starbucks for coffee/sandwich/blog - good sushi, book store for pulp trash/Greek poem - mention idea of sharing 2-bedroom Oceanside cottage sometime in next 2 years. Two church-based friend staying at his place, one dying of cancer, died 2 weeks ago around time I left for OR.
 Mail mostly junk, AARP, credit card limit up to $6K as requested - cool - if I have to job hunt someday that will look good on my credit score - fat Taschen impulse-buy Eric Stanton fetish dominatrix collection - skimmed a few pages, much more writing and intense in-depth humiliation than I expected - interesting. Am I interested? Judging from lack of physical reaction, I think not - I like watching as almost any sexual activity, but don't want to join in.
  - also 2-Steps album - makes me sad, more than earlier re-releases - maybe because it's  end, maybe because that was  break-up tour so wrenching bad angry memories of last tour of misery, sad bitterness over who/why it went sour. Poison was injected, poisoned will be avoided. Have rightly decided to move on best as possible; if not forget past, at least acknowledge benefits of forgiveness, moving on, doing our best, as Gil would have wanted. Anyway - sadness. 2-steps is Gil memory - gahh - ow - after that tour he moved in with us on Taylor.
 Nothing today - yard needs some chopping - tiger lilies in front look great, in back look dried up and dying?
 Back home sweet home - now - I was getting attention sharing Oregon trip, loosey-goosey with intimate 80s photo shares - now, pull back into normal daily life. Down time. Quiet. Calm. Sane. Cool.
 Life is good. That was a well-done vacation, and he way it all went, including my state of mind, fills me with optimism.
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 Sun Jul 2.17 12:30pm Ukiah Starbucks
 Sat drive went fine - ~6hrs - nervousness about finding hotel, but guess that Willits would have something since 101 skirts now panned out  - cheap to $67, tub etc - just fine -
 A bit mentally & physically tuckered, tried 1/2 dose bath salts, not sure I felt anything but smelled nice, oily water, slept well - ~11pm-7am, checked fb, back to sleep 8-10 - wow - feel pretty rested, shower, smoothie, pack out.
 Willits sunny, beautiful - too hot - a bit sad as I detect end of hippie dream in me - Gil's death brings reality light in, my life is it, all there is - no more chances - ever - could be general depression, feeling my age, body pains & such. Losing weight, eating right, stretching won't restore youth, but may let me enjoy my life. First priority.  And friends.
 End of vacation looseness, no schedule, need for contact leads to out-of-bound stuff like intimate nude youth shares, sharing travel pics with Nuria. reconnect with L/others. Sigh. SRoda ~3 for sushi w/Eric. My scheduling has worked well - last couple hours Sat deriving was getting woozy - but mainly hwy, when it got steep/winding 65-70mph there were a few times I had to slow down be careful - I think suspension in Cammie is a bit old, car felt like it was not gripping road, steadying itself  --  or, I was just going too fast on curves because I was weary from driving/not paying 100% attention.
 That photo - Shelley/Kristine/Nan/Dave, like old high school 'friends',picture brings up a lukewarm memory, but there's no there between us, just memories on my end. We all have our individual lives now - spending time together matters a lot, time together is how friendships grow, evolve, strengthen - Beate, Gil, Stacey, Karen, Eric - Donnette & I have found a balance, reached out, made sincere contact - don't have to be intimate friends, but acknowledge there's something good in there, an understanding of our friendship from distant past that has never been fully forgotten or erased. And in some levels we  - I anyway - are sad it ended. Good memories. Last I heard from Shelley was long meth-fueled non-apologetic angry self-justification - she lays that hostility on me, then doesn't understand why we can't just be friends; Nan wanted me to drive up to Sac. K wants photos - but that was only one contact soon after suicide.
 For me communication is essential to friendship. I'm sure that idea can have huge truck-sized holes poked in it.
 Faces in photo, connect to many old memories - Scott & Gil who are gone now - but there's no access to the memories from the people.
 I want it - want memories - guess I don't want the people, because they don't want me enough. To be fair I don't ant them enough - well, I wanted N - but it was feeling one-sided in action. I have visited people on this trip who were happy, anxious to see me and spend time together, emotionally moved - I have people in Oakland happy to see me, welcoming, part of their lives -
 - so can I lighten up, ot have shallow connection with any of them, for the sake of connecting to memories I desire? Do I want to? Is it worth it? Is it even possible? What would it take. Took Scott & Gil's dying to heal some w/Donnie. Thought Scott's dying had helped with Nan - but seems not.
 Thoughts churned uncertain - just spewing, don't anticipate an answer - Jesus that's my whole 1978 post- Oakland life - I came out to get free college - Laney 1975-78
 1978 - grant for photo studio in Design dept, bands at coffee house, WEF photographer, music scene, 1981 met Nan through Fred/Scott 1st Game Theory, then drummer Michael out & Dave in, Shelley going out w/Dave, 1983 drive her back & forth between CCAC & family in Davis, family was kind to me, Marge & John, Shelley and I in love/marry 1984, much later Scott marries K. So Scott's all over it, and Gil came in ~1985. Just saying, photo very heavy with memories, picking out those individuals for analysis maybe misses he point - it was a scene - shared friends, acquaintances and activities/goals - we all mostly were supporting Scott's music.
 It's all Scott's fault.
 Okay - my mind is feeling sodden - sad about Gil, sad about Scott, sad about growing old, fading of youthful dreams - but I can have new dreams, new friends, new life fun - tomorrow is indeed another day, just sad today, not necessarily in a bad way. Accepting sadness is part of maturing healing - allows me to mourn past and move forward with a soulful smile - it's all good.
 Good digestion this morning. Dried figs. Daily shower.
 New day.
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 Sat Jul 1.17 Crescent City Starbucks 1:18pm
 Yikes  - well - Fri packed etc of course, left oside ~10am - Fairly ez driving as I recall - Newport for sushi/sake & next door Starbucks, same dispensary near ocean as last time (recreational only), nice chat with lady owner (?), about effects, new mental outlook when legal, topicals, edibles, using tiny amounts (benefit of tincture, 2-3 drops) for calmness; she saying wish she could meditate, her mind keeps yammering, I say "Imperfect meditation is still meditation" - I like that, not only it came organically from a loving place, can be applied to most things - bought bath salts.
 Coos Bay ~6? Hotel 6, downtown sushi place again - salmon teriyaki/sake - walk inland to visit dispensary, nuke talk, got $40 oil - difficult to open - sticky - how to ingest? Online no help. But wanted to try.
 Fun cool walking comfortably around Coos Bay - not smoking pot, being engaged, not fearful, not seeing myself as outlaw underground hippie rebel - this is not what I'm used to -
 Straight white male - can't get arrested - old white guy with phone, clean clothes, saved, showering every day, nice car - not a hippie wagon - used to be cool - Scott & Gil dead. My last remnants. Moving on. Move on. Move.
 On.
 Long as I'm alive, I'm on.
 K posted this:

 Interesting grouping - in post Gil/Scott context - surprised to see S, as did not know she knew K at all - but N&D ok.
 Driving after thoughts skimmed quick in & out were, any connections?
 W/S, no not really, nothing to give or be had there. All I can think is: she insisted on getting stones/photos, had no interest in a future for us, based on respect despite bad marriage end. Okay. Legit decision. None of my business. Something like - a show of respect for me over stones/photos would have been a basis of connection above and beyond past pain, of which sure there was plenty.
 K - we were never friends; if she wants photos access, all she has to do is contact. Same situation as with Dan V & GT tapes - ? Pride of difficulty communication? Okay - well, Gil was intermediary for tapes. Difficult as that was, Scott's death makes K/Photos 10x more difficult. Back burner.
 N - I thought we were close, we talked and talked for hours, visited - don't understand - I know it's how she is - combination of mockery, disappearances - I want/ed a commitment in sense if in area she'd contact me - like I did recently with Parri - she did that a few times; damage was already done by previous disappearances/failures to alert about visits. Up to me. I decided it was not enough. There's some dark garbage in there - I also see how unintentionally her being how she is hurt Scott etc etc. I think it's best to avoid, short of her saying 'yes I know how I am, am willing to adjust actions to avoid hurting you, because you mean that much to me. Doubtful - that I think was a line to far for her.
 D's nice guy, always a sweetheart it seems.
 Interesting grouping - would not have foreseen that. Doesn't change anything. I don't want to be there. I don't want anything from any of them except D.
 It just got me thinking about what they all meant to me in the past. And that the door seems to still be opened? But not really. I'm just trying to be a good guy. If the door was open, all I have to do is let them know. I don't. I have closed the doors. Scott & Gil's deaths don't change that.
 It's all Scott's fault.
 Okay - unless there's a hotel ~ Willits, probably going all the way to Oakland and get home late.
 Beautiful day - light rain/mist south of Coos, then sun - some lovely sunny driving through Gold Beach etc! - glare here in Crescent - 1:49 - time to go.
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 Fri Jun 30.17 oside cabin 8:08am
 Last day feels so dramatic - sad - traumatic? Or will I be fine once packed/on road - lv ~10? Decision is to slow drive it and take my chances on hotels - meal in Coos Bay - Fri-Sat-home Sun hopefully w/stop for sushi w/Eric, and sleep in car if necessary; I can do that.
 Thu wanted to stay on coast, soak it in - lovely day! Sunny, slight cool wind - wear a jacket! Perfect. Trails I saw in handout turned out to be inland/old Bay City - no - stay on coast! - ~noon 3 miles north to Cape Meares lighthouse - that was actually quite nice, sunny clear ocean & bluffs views so beautiful! Decent binocs, pbj, apple, dried figs - asked lady at lighthouse about .8mile trail to coast - "Oh no! The trail is kept up, and you need to climb a rope to get to beach!" Me: "A rope! (imagining a thick knotted cord/sudden death) Oh, no!" But figured still a nice walk thru woods, so did it, lovely!!! Green moist redwoods cool old trail, 10gft 'drop' to beach wasn't bad at all, tho rope did help - rocky not much of a 'beach', sat & ate, relaxed - noted difficulty doing lotus position with stiff knee - stiff eft knee, stiff sore left arm - did I have a mini stroke or something? Hmp.
 Anyway - perfect really - downhill on way to beach, slow walk back through tons of greenery - just what I needed. Forest on a well-use partially overgrown trail - thank you. Drop shit off ~4pm -
 ~6 cheese factory for one last ice cream cone - great idea - ~30min drive for ice cream cone - that's vacation - and it was yummy - then Safeway for road supplies, salad, sandwich, thermos coffee - small talk w/Starbucks girl - not really, but people, as Sooz has pointed out, really are more friendly here.
 Had used three bags of cleansing tea and that kicked in on way home - uncomfortable, rushed into cabin w/out groceries - three installments - yikes! But it must be dealt with! (loud ocean roar/hush/rush/hiss through window - foggy) - between fluids, white cleansing powder/softener, tea, many fried figs I may be cleared out - must be a better way.
 Mainly just hung, too windy, again sun set behind cloud bank - still, 2 hits got me nicely high, water walked north to bluff - good walk - beautiful shimmering silvery blue water surfaces - this is what I came for. And mentally I'm more at peace - in general - and perhaps stepping away from it all, as vacation do - settling mind - it's good to know I can step away from it, left with mere sadness for Gil, my personal loss, pain his loved ones are experiencing. Gil was a star of love - he will be remembered. People who are lucky enough to have known him will tell tales, point at his photos, pull out his albums.
 And then there's necessity of living, being present for others/myself - one can do that without disrespecting the dead.
 Yes. It was good - 5 days more before going back to work Wed July 5 - nice. I did this well. I told Eric I thought I was not good at strategizing, he pointed out Jazz Blues plans year in advance etc - this trip is further proof - gave myself plenty of time for flexibility to use it as seems best at time. Even this morning -
 - bed ~10:30, some restlessness, up ~3am for 30mins - pee, water, internet, 1/4 dropper of 1:4 tincture - up ~7:30am with mild tightness in forehead, not headache thank god, but what is this tension? I should be feeling perfect! Maybe slight tension of not knowing where I'll be sleeping and anticipating hotel over-pricing & shortage because of holiday - embrace it, enjoy it, life is change - enjoy the adventure -  I can always sleep in car and/or head inland as necessary.
 Up @7:30 - smoothie, thermos of coffee - feeling better now - showered 2x yest, morning & after hike, in case of poison oak on legs etc.
 So - now - take an hour to pack & leave ~10? - stop at Newport dispensary for more tincture. Using less topical on arm, because I believe using a lot was getting into my system, making me dizzy, a bit high/forgetful.
 Lots of sexual feelings about N, after wank disappears - so that tells me lots, and I need to be careful not to do a Lindy on her. Fun's fun; fucking with emotions is not. I think I don't even want more nude'ish photos, I want thrills - that's not a good sign.
 On way back from Safeway took a good look around, forested silhouetted hills west, green scenery, concrete  bridge over smelly cow river, curvy hilly  road, small 'towns', lovely late afternoon light - at 6:30pm still high in sky. Tapes music great! Road Kill tape full of gold. Glad to have saved those memories and good music.
 9 nights here - 8 full days, plus 2 half days - leaving Friday instead of July 4th weekend another good idea. This place is so special to me now - years of accumulated memories - getting to know locale - not just sisters - they are icing - whole beach bookended by complete long Cape Lookout and remains of cape here on north end - long flat beach - yes.
 Grateful for health, wealth, friends.
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