deeper an buy 2017

+++++
 Wed Jun 28.17 cabin 9am fog
 Now countdown starts - 2 more nights, 2 more days, 2.25 if I count Fri morning, and I do :-) - been to the bank, and gassed up - so laundry, packing, groceries.
 Last night water walk was nice, wanted to be higher, missed wildly enhanced enjoyment of senses in sensuous environment; noted difference that it is entirely legal - no underground hipness, cool outlaw tension involved - benign relaxant. Wow.
 Whole day revolved around laundry - there's one downtown on 3rd - good, 'cause I hate that dried evil deadzone one north of downtown - drains light of all goodness, concentrated Sacramento in one strip-mall 100sq ft spiritual depression. So what to do last two days, what have I not done - play in Rockaway Beach or Garibaldi today, plus laundry? Ned more berries for smoothies.
 Slept <11pm restless, up for 30min ~3am, awake ~7, tried to snooze, nah - I'm in good vacation spot where a bit of tiredness is not weariness - I can wander relaxed through days - slow go - how to do trip home?
 Lv Fri 11am, down scenic to 101, sushi in Coos Bay - make a 2-day trip of it, get home Sat evening and have Sun-Tues at home? Meh - 3-day trip, question is will hotel be hard to find on the July 4th weekend? Probably. Hmp.
 Today - step away from laptop and iPhone/Internet - might be day to do it.
 Kay - had smoothie/Starbucks thermos coffee; now shower, tortilla/blackbean/cheese/salsa brunch - Rockaway Beach & maybe Garibaldi, laundry on way home. Vacation. That's all it is, all it's ever been, this place, this tradition has served me well from 1996 end of marriage years, to getting back on my feet, deaths, work tensions, etc - it's a good place to bring my mess, let it hang dry by ocean and rock goddesses.
+++++
 Tues Jun 27 cabin 10:50pm
 Some digestive success this morning - a little throughout -
 Walked down beach ~1.5miles - much further than ever before - lovely day, sun came out! Hardly any breeze - perfect - and I was feeling energetic after sleep & tortilla brunch; brought apple. Felt very blessed as weather reports said cloudy.
 Cabin ~3 for snacks - into town ~4pm for bandaids (toes), eggs, yogurt, whole roasted chicken, donuts, etc - coffee - $300 bank, filled tank - good trip - stopped to IM w/Tess & Nuria - hungry & 2x espresso, I was chatty! I think it's okay.
 Chicken, kale salad, Triscuts dinner - worked fine. ~8:25 dramatic bright slash of white through clouds, tincture / 2 hits of pot, water walked - low tide, easy to get around bend, almost had beach to myself - a little creepy - better to have people - thinking about death a lot, obviously, and sad / depressed - aside from that all is well - I'm trying to accept, incorporate, learn how it is - this gloom may life in some ways, not in others.
 But shallow shifting water walked till pretty dark, past dusk - cool around bend - it is always fucking lovely the sisters.
 Vacation here - life view has shifted from looking back to see where I came from, to forward, how to survive, preparing for more deaths, and my own.
+++++
 Tue Jun 27.17 cabin 8:29am
 Overcast/foggy - cool but not windy nor cold - nice - relaxing - restless - get out for a walk today, maybe a diff beach? Think I've had my fill of tide pools/rocks around bend - over it. Esp when not sunny. Am I bored and restless yet, in a good way, in necessary to ultimate calm, stripped down to bottom dregs, core light power level, who am I - how is life without Gil, and in general?
 Sticking around cabin today while cleansers - tea/powder - take effect - just had a decent movement - still doesn't seem like enough - I want massive emptying of the tubes. Drank lots of water, drink more, def dehydrated esp compared to how much I drink at work.
 So we're down to this - sitting on a comfy couch in ocean cabin, constant soothing soft persistent rush of surf, foggy view 9am, had my smoothie, waiting for system cleansers to have effect, thinking about empty space where Gil was, thinking about my eating - too much sugar and bread -, and about walking every day would be good; since I'm cabin bound -
 3 days left here - out Fri 11am, unless I can grab an extra day - I sort of want to stay here much as possible - but - but - will think on it later - how to arrange for Eric sushi visit - book room somewhere in advance. Deli salads for trip home, no bread/sandwiches?
  - anyway, I have a few things to do, print outs to read, books to read - E Leonard's Up In Honey's Room - the sand calls to my feet. Write something to CA Tax board - maybe write to their web site!? Letting them know my response will be later than July 5 deadline. It's good to take quiet cabin time to thinking about trip home, so my brain and body can relax next few days. Laundry today?
 Applied topical to arm and 3 drops - mellowing effect? long as I get an hour's exercise in - beach walk - where? - or trail! I want trail! Where? - that's fine. Inland? Cape Outlook?
 So yeah - stripping it down to essentials - health, dealing with vacation digestion, Gil grieving pain sadness grief - seeing a bit of suppressing it way dad's family did - relaxing on the couch. Vacation. Always the same. There's more to my life than the sorrow for Gil's being gone, so much goodness and pleasure, fun and creativity. No guilt for joy, play, fun, laughter and added appreciation for my living days and moments.
 I was thinking about Garibaldi - spend nights there - it's only ~30mins away - maybe spend day there exploring tomorrow?
 Maybe another fb page to keep eye on what I eat?
 Enjoying isolation, not sharing so many photos like I was on way up and first days in oside -
 Now - coffee and cinnamon roll down street.
 mmmm - now at wifi cafe w/coffee/cinnamon roll consumed and we see how tricky the eating healthy biz is
 Also, might be fun to step away from laptop & phone for a day - at least step back from facebook posting for a day or two - posted ~5x yesterday - but yeah, get face out of internet, into wind air ocean breezes, sun breaking through fog...
 Moved Jun pics onto backup - was able earlier in trip to move android phone pics onto laptop - now can't and don't know why - minorly frustrated/ bemused.
 This feels great - chill, water, food - at home tortilla/cheese/salsa/beans - slept decently - beautiful area - specifics may not *thrill* but thrill is not point, beauty health relaxation is - I already anticipate sorrow of leave taking later this week - for now, it is Tuesday morning, and I don't leave till Friday morning - have not been meditating, not having those kinds of insights - this is more I think about being alone isolated, checking bits limbs self for Gil death damage so I can otherwise move forward in one organic piece - I don't know - I don't understand - I don't understand what just happened - Gil died - what the actual fuck - people do that - yes, I'm angry this bad thing has happened to me - like Scott's daughter after Scott's death, "I don't want anything bad to happen ever again!" A lot of selfish feelings - that is okay - it's good to have a grip on reality, also necessary and good to acknowledge / accept / embrace human reactions / feelings to these sad realities. Don't be embarrassed or feel guilty about any reaction to it - it hurts and I am a fucking human being.
 Still - damn - well - of the Game Theory Davis scene - why these two? Most everyone else is alive - Gui, Donnette etc - two of best and most talented, violent public suicide (geez Scott, what behooved you to do it that way?) and 7yr cancer trainwreck - lesson learned.
+++++
 Mon Jun 26.17 cabin 8:10pm
 Hmp - bed early - 10:30 anyway, stayed in bed till 8'ish? Trying for sleep catch-up for this week's road trips - not feeling great though - mentally disconnected/weird - something not quite right - ~1/2 way through say recognized it as constipation and yeah, moderate activity have obscured fact that my stomach is swollen/hard and I've not been having big daily movements like usual - so, on way home got advice & powder product says will work in 1-3 days from Safeway, and another double dose of smooth move tea - sigh = it's a big deal 'cause it makes me feel sick, so don't enjoy as much, and start fucking with my thinking  - muddled, irritated, depressed - dang - there's some stuff you insert into rectum says works within 15mins - hmp -
 Gross - but has to be dealt with - been an issue when I travel for as long as I can recall.
 So - this morning - shower, smoothie - plan for Seaside but at my ease - that's nice  -smoothie, pack, sandwich/apple - overcast, bit of rain dropage - Garibaldi Maritime museum - cool boat/native American exhibits - senior discount - beginning to see more of it - $3 instead of $4 - sigh...
 Wheeler for sexy deco lamps & antique store - sneaking photos - kept coming back to $500 2 women holding basket of walnuts lamp - it does appeal to me, but but but but fuck it, I treated myself to it because I like it & wanted it. A bit nuts. Don't rationalize - It was only thing in store I wanted. Box it up - back seat.
 Getting hungry - Seaside - straight off Japanese place on corner - senior menu = Salmon teriyaki dinner $10 instead of $14. Fuck it. Okay. Spilled full bowl of miso in lap - don't even know how it happened! Slipped. Meh - whatever - not too uncomfortable - but made me aware of how something was wrong mentally - brain not firing on all cylinders, even after good sleep, decent mental outlook - and not typical vacation brain nor cannabis in system, tho both could be factors. Anyway - walk through stores, sit w/espresso, watch carousel - funhouse, $10 card, sat through 5 shaking chair watching video rides - fun! - stroll to end of street ocean view, sit on concrete bench & chill - nice - pee -on way back $3 bumper car ride - that was fun! Best $3 worth of fun all vacation - life is good.
 Like some of rest of this trip - every part of day's activities blended together into one vacation activity. Good mood. Settling into vacation brain in big way.
 Head out ~4:30 - seemed early, but I'd done it all, no need to wallow - Miami-Foley backroad 'long-cut' from Nehalem to Garibaldi - feels natural now - not a stoned adventure, just a pleasant enjoyable way to spend time. Yes. What I want, when I want - and plenty of energy. Been squatting to use knees - def weakness, but better - bending left arms more, def stiffness there. Keep moving, stretching, using body - fuck pain - walk through it.
 Safeway for constipation powder, almond milk, bread.
 Cold, dense fog - walk ocean anyway? Or does it not matter. Could get high, check it out - don't dig it, come back in - or bundle/sit in red chair?
 Missing Gil - he'd enjoy/comment on my travels - I looked forward to it, took/shared pics with him in mind - our shared memories of youthful activities kept me young, kept my memories of youth fresh - gone now - more present, settle into old-age awareness. Probably a good thing in a way? Maybe not. Nothing like a good long-time friends. Fuck.
 so - yeah - Monday - shower, smoothie, Garibaldi museum, Wheeler antiques/deco lamp, Seaside, salmon, stores, carousel, video ride, ocean view, bumper cars, easy no traffic drive home, backroads, Safeway. Posted pics to fb throughout & got comments. That's fun.
 Alright - in my easy chair - 8:48 - probably no water walk - maybe tomorrow - lo-tide ~10.
+++++
 Sun Jun 25.17 II cabin 7pm
 Foggy - out to beach 7:20 for 8:20 lo-tide - it was way low! easy walk around to Lost Boy cave - walked, explored, enjoyed water walking 2hrs - took pics of surf and noticed how concentration takes me out of time/place/myself - focused on morning sun hitting waves rolling in, stopped, looked around to see where I was - oh yes. That's what hobby does?
 Beautiful morning, sunny not too hot, cool breeze - good fortune - I can use a little good fortune.
 Bean/cheese/salsa tortilla - coffee/cinnamon roll at wifi place - home, weary, shower, wank, deep nap for a long hour - tincture/arm topical, into town, stop at 2nd-hand/junk shop for naked Native American woman and child - sexy - that ass! - yet also intriguing combination with mother/child love - sweet; Safeway for salsa, flashlight batteries, apples/bananas.
 Figured to take short drive, spontaneous head south, bit of traffic but beautiful day, greenery, forests, flowers - turn into west route, stop at overlook, old (older than me) guy wants to talk, interesting life, built electronic things, moved to OR to be near old mother, bad car wreck put him out of work, metal plates - 2 bike rider stopped, also in tech industry - 4-person getogether - alright - I was restless but did my best to chill and appreciate - eventually shook hands -Ron, Robert - old guy, maybe not best health, lives alone in woods - just needed some human contact - as did I.
 Home grilled steak, ate with kale/coconut salad/bread, did dishes, shot naked Indian lady/photoshopped/uploaded.
 Cold and dense fog now, not gonna be any sunset - maybe smoke cannabis, bundle up, have a walk - or bring low chair and just sit?
 Today I'm resting up from last few days of up-early for low tides, up-late for sunsets and long day restlessness - thinking tomorrow Seaside for annual visit, 2.5 mile trail to check out. 5 more nights. Cool.
 Withdrawing - quiet vacation days - what I need.
+++++
 Sun Jun 25.17 cabin oside 6:30am
 Feel much better today - so headache was prob combination of sugar/cake and wrong/too much pot/joint pot for me - also did not experience that unpleasant disconnectedness last night during sunset water walking - so, that was wrong pot - yuck - glad to be feeling good again - don't wnat to waste vacation time, tho - that was an experiment from which I gained knowledge, so good.
 Low tide -2.0 8:20am, slept well, didn't set alarm but up to light, birdsongs loud white ocean noise - had more cleansing tea without much result - been sleeping/eating pretty well, but guts have sort of shut down, so far not uncomfortable - some activity, but - not enough -
 Sat sat around a lot, on porch, partially getting over Fri pm pot/sugar mild headache overdose - saw puffs, black back - wtf? asked cabin guy, yep warm Pacific water The Blob confusing sealife - whales - got binoculars saw a fluke, maybe feeding... gave me something to do - whale watch - 
 - ~4 10 drop of new tincture, inland, 'antique' shop - sexy sweet painting of naked native American mother and child - took pics, posted, everyone likes - $30 maybe go back today/get it? Safeway for berries mainly, sourdough bread, hummus - bathroom! Yep, as I age more uncomfortable holding pee? Tincture on upper left arm seems to be helping - still deep tenderness, but less discomfort, more movement yes. Drove out 1st St looking for 2nd dispensary, saw signs, looked without luck for pioneer cemetery - then forgot to look for dispensary on way back - tinctures have that effect if I take too much - I can find balance between mild relaxation and forgetfulness - left keys in car twice! Careful!
 Wound up in wrong lane, had to turn right, whatever - vacation - Cheese Factory - in new bldg while old re-done - fun! Cheese-tasting, fake cows, chocolate ice cream waffle cone - yum - back to coast, ~8 20min nap - helped - small slug of room temp thermos coffee, tincture/2 hits of my CBD indica - brought out low red folding chair - went out late - don't want to be watching sun fucking with eyes bright on horizon; long slow sunset, red horizontal horizon blobs slowly pulsing in and out, reflecting upside-down - after set, walked water for a long time, that's always good, sat in chair for a while - 20mins? -, chilled, looked at rocks with sunset glow - worked well - again no breeze to speak of, barely cool - long sleeve shirt and vest / shorts worked fine. It was extra hot inland, tolerable by coast - I have been well-blessed with great weather.
 Whole oside experience has coalesces into a thing of high value - first sight 20yrs ago surreal colorful winter castle painterly beauty - finding out about Lost Boy Beach - shifting times from winter gloom to summer fun - rock climbing - sea life - - learning to water walk low water long flat beach, criss-crossing water patterns, zip-lining parallel waves - learning to accept sometimes it's all overcast rain no sunset, sometimes 1 or 2, sometimes beautiful amazing sunsets every night - exploring area trails shops up and down coast etc. Now it seems when I visit, less exiting, less to learn so far as obvious physical locale - waves' beautiful does not thrill me as much, I am not longer getting high/ escaping into romanticizing nature, hippie dreams of communal country space - less pot -
 - yet it indeed hits spot, all spots - complete experience not only enjoying what is, but enjoy it because of many associated good memories.
 After, sat on porch, looked through pics, uploaded one - ~8 altogether yest - ~30 people following and enjoying.
 7am now - lo tide 8:20, figure to get out there an hour early, then another chill day.
+++++
 Sat Jun 24.17 cafe
 mild headaches
 Fri afternoon, after sketchy sleep/early rise - nap, shower - into town to check dispensary/cheese factory - dispensary good but busy! Got tincture and topical for arm, free joint for big purchase - $80 - tried topical, it seems to help, reduced worst tenderness, more movement - what fuck? Really? It really works? Oh so cool! Maybe try some skin cream as well. Explore cheese factory's good collection old vehicles, peacocks, llamas - got brie - kind of weak. Fun excursion tho - 90 inland today, already experienced milk parade & farm mkt -
 Fri pm ~8:40 tried joint - mehhh - I felt disconnected walking waves for sunset - no clouds, air balmy, practically no breeze, what there was was a gentle warm kiss - perfect, beautiful, many people out, enjoyed watching happy dogs running/playing and delighted children. Stayed out a long time enjoying the orange glow...
 ... back in, another hit off joint, got pretty high, not pleasant, paranoia, fear of crime, the room felt distant, phony, all surface, no substance, inadequate - I talked myself out of most downer thoughts - I am here for the ocean, nature, rocks - cabin is just a rented space, not point of visit, etc - but eh! Indica joint seemed to bring out downer thoughts - so no more of that; tincture & hi-CBD flower I brought will do fine thank you. Sat on porch was nice, ate rest og cho cake - hmm - might be source of (sugar?) headache this morning - slept well tho -
 - alarm set for 7 to make 7:30 low tide - woke at 6:30, up, dress, shit, smoothie, water, yesterday's thermos coffee - good idea!
 Walk north around all bends, including 3rd north beach couldn't make yesterday - lovely, warm, mild breeze, lots of sand, lots of tide pool sea life clinging to rock formations - perfect - lovely. Mild headache takes way a bit, I tried meditating it away - climbing rocks worked; working legs/knees, squatting - but have to be more careful than 20yrs ago - accept it - acceptance might lead organically to doing more exercise, yoga etc...
 ...sent more old selfies to 3 Frida friends, asked first 'don't ant to be boring, okay to pass', all 3 said yes, enjoy, send as much as I like. I am enjoying shares that because we do not have real-life friendships, and they mainly know me though my photography, intimate shares/sharing can be enjoyed for purely what it is. Asking first, without being feeble, also encourages trust that I'm not going to be creepy. Hopefully my friendly perv-to-creep ration is about 9-to-1, and I am aware of that creep potential and keep it under control - it is understood opine can't always control one's creepiness. I think this is a new experience, and I am learning/enjoying, as are they. Nice. I can share with no actual need for feedback etc. Just here - as you are, as I am. A new kind of acceptance. Innocent sexual fun. With enough distance that emotional fuckery is unlikely.
 So: Fri - up early, smoothie, beach walk, tortilla/beans/cheese brunch, 80s photo shares, nap, shower, 2x bag cleansing tea, dispensary, French cheese factory, topical cannabis on left arm, snacks, hit joint, beach walk south - back north for sunset, hang on beach/in water, another hit in cottage - not a good high - could have been particular pot - porch, cake, crackers and cheese/hummus. Cleaninsg tea  might have helped - 2 movements this morning, but feel -
 a.) I'm experiencing some dehydration and
 b.) some constipation
 So - drink lots of water and drink that tea. Take daily showers. Draw back into myself.. isolation is what I want/need, natural course for vacation - bumpy ride at times, jokes fail, I feel myself pulling away from normal daily routine contacts... good - exactly - I'm dong great. Life is good.
 Check photos I took this morning and upload some.
 Oh - contacted by someone, writer, wants to use my Frida & saint woman on book cover - cool! I'm excited someone saw value of what I consider a good idea.
+++++
 Fri Jun 23.17 oside
 Thu afternoon walk down beach & back, hang, grill steak, burn tortilla/beans/cheese/salsa because no oil - Safeway for cooking oil, chocolate bar, sprays-on sunscreen, etc. then stroll through downtown - small! Almost no stores - mostly for rent - slow driving - phone doesn't work on coast - barely in town - wth? Walked out for sunset ~8:40 - sun set 9:08 - no clouds, but ocean walking lovely -
 - diff from previous years, I am where I am, using pot as tool - working toward that over years, extra apparent this year - I am using cannabis, not relying on it for excitement something to do be etc. Don't need intoxication, enhances ocean enjoyment, tincture good for everyday anxiety. Mellows you out. This is what it's supposed to do. Maybe that's why Oregon folk so friendly. Cool. Lots of pics, films, posted some water sunset to fb.
 Up till 11>, wake ~2-3, check email etc - up again ~7:30?  Fuck it - looked like tide might be low to get around - smoothie, glasses sandals from Cammie, tincture drops - tide way out and lots of sand! Less sand south - so much beach could walk around north outcrop to Lost Boy, LB cave also full - cool!!! Everything beautiful warm, almost no breeze - sun coming over hills - not thrilling, but quietly thrilling, happy, contented, fulfilled - fortunate - 
 Walked around as sun came through above hill through dense mist, happy shock of seeing so much sand low tide to walk around - LB cave passable - cool! -
 Lg coffee for tomorrow morning early low tide beach walk - back to cottage/change/coffee wifi place cinnamon roll/coffee - photoshop pics, post, chat w/Nuria who's on vaca in Mexico, sharing pics - I think I got past shock/arousal/desire for more bathtub pics - if it happens, it happens, up to her not to me, anyway I think it's too early, and not sure I'm comfortable with it at all - oddly enough! Not sure I want to sexualize her that way. Yet, she has seen my intimate shots, but there are 30+ years old! Is it so different? It is still an intimate share. Think about it. Talk to someone?
 Tortilla cheese/beans/salsa/salami - mmm - did dishes -
 - now - kind of sleep lack - could nap, shower - maybe a drive later -
 Sat farm mkt /Cow day parade - been there done that - meh - up early for extra low tide instead - rodeo in afternoon - live music at night?
 Move OR pics onto backup.
 Nap, yes. And yes, weather good, low tides, plenty of sand/beach - nice water filled beach patterns - a few good photos - feels natural & good to take pics again, not so much since Gil died. Mission accomplished, I'm here, feeling good, walking lots, cooking my own food, being in touch w/people - not frantic and crazy, working my knees here and there, moving the left arms.
 Without Scott/Game Theory/Photo Robert, bf Gil, and Frida gun, job - who am I? Here now - kiss joy as it flies.
+++++
 Thu Jun 22.17 oside
 After Wed Newport Starbucks, Judd had mentioned recreational pot being legal, googled local dispensaries - down towards ocean in Nye Neighborhood, easy as pie, show license, walk in - nice guy took time for all my questions about how they split recreational vs. medicinal, CBD vs. indica vs. sativa etc -  Colorado couple came in we all chat - got $70 strong indica flower, CBD capsules - walk around neighborhood, nothing interesting, nothing funky or historic, frou-frou shops, restaurants etc, but nicely laid out sloping neighborhood, good vibe, very windy, sunny, ocean nearby, sound of surf - lovely day and fun to wander, sad to leave -
 - stop at sushi place next to Starbucks, roll, miso, sake, TV shows above bar - yummy, good meal - set me up - ~1:30, tincture, didn't stop much - pass through Depot Bay - CBD capsule - not much effect? Stop at big red barn antique place, Roy Cohn autobio - Cloverdale, Hebo, Beaver - cut west at Hemlock - oside ~4:45 - he welcomes me by name big strong handshake  - what the hell, better than poke in eye - legally can't let me do laundry - okay - 2 keys - sit - unpack - into Tillamook for Safeway ~$100 of fruit, meat, salad, sandwich makings, beans, tortillas, cheese, salsa, eggs - after some internal debate big bag of pretzel sticks - I have not been snacking much on this trip - don't know how realistic this is, but no snacks and daily several 4-5 mile walks would be a fine way to spend some vacation time - 
Yesterday wind intense, sun set into cloud bank, this morning less windy - smoothie, big bathroom blowout - trying to add translate to Messenger for Nuria I am sharing vacation photos with - she is sending cool shots of Mexico, esp bldg she grew up (?) in, now abandoned and amazing looking. Still processing bathtub pic she send, why she sent it - for fun? To turn me on? Indicate pics I sent her turned her on in tub? Perhaps overthinking, but it was a shock - she didn't ask if I wanted her to - it just bam! Appeared; it's okay for me to question and be cautious, esp after issues arose with Lindy etc. I'm leaving it alone, letting sex & fear juices settle - enjoying vacation exchanges very much - it's just fun and okay. I don't even know if I want more from her along those intimate photographic lines - but if they happen, I think it will be from her for her own reasons; I don't need to control, or understand why she wants to. I've shared intimate pics in safe space - IM's from diff countries, I being a known entity through my photos, public death of friend / support for widow & esp private page nudes, that obviously I am not a creep. But boy those two pics kicked my ass. :-O Have used them for Os several times (usually in addition to L vid) - which is highly unusual.
 Okay - so.
 I like it - 8 days - no plans - slept deep and well last night - woke ~6:45, stayed in bed sleep on and off till ~8.
 Now - home - and - maybe - ocean walk - check into best cool windy weather jackets -
+++++
 Thu Jun 22.17 oside
 Weirdness on Scott fb page - I don't want to over-engage, but want to remember weirdness of this exchange - is it totally cool, or is there a public sort of competition for Scott's memory. Whatever - I also live is reflected 'glory', mild and weak as it is - but ex-gf & widow - okay.
 D: 'Around the time Scott was designing the art for this T-shirt, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling Scott missing from the bed. I couldn't find him anywhere in the apartment. Finally, I found him out on the back porch.
"Whatcha doing?" I asked.
"The stars appear to be so random," he said. "I thought of them in terms of gravitational pull and an expanding universe, and in my mind they were regularly spaced. But they are actually incredibly random."
I had no idea what he was talking about, but it was nice to stand out on the back porch at 3AM, holding hands, looking at stars and thinking about how lovely it was that in that immense, spectacular, random universe, I got to stand there next to Scott Miller.'
 K: 'Scott was an incredible person, and I will always cherish the many years spent sharing his life and raising our children together. He was certainly gifted and charming, but I also admired and appreciated his high moral standards and rational thinking. I often find myself asking, "What would Scott say about this?" and then smiling and tearing up when I can "hear" his response.'
+++++
 Wed Jun 21.17 Starbucks Newport
 Mon -Tues - Mon from Florence, visited dunes, walked in water, stops along the way? Foggy, oriental dinner in Newport - motel - tincture/flower to beach, wind not too bad, walked in surf foggy dusk - very nice - slept sketchy, but well enough, edgy about Sooz visit in Albany (?) -
 Lv for Albany ~9:40, road work slowed things down arrived ~11:45, hello, Judd, happy to see Cheeto, he seemed miffed, I got on knees / apologized but he walked away left room, came back and sat in lap on couch - yay - I love you Cheeto - Sooz showed house, yard - we got on phone with K, showed yard/rooms, Jack arrived - hello to K - cool. I talk to Sooz almost every week, so weird cool surreal to see her in new house, but honestly it was more emotional with Cheeto because we have not seen each other at all for months - Sooz & I took Cammie, went to fish taco/drink lunch, talk about cactus's Gil grief etc,, drove into town walked concrete path to see Egret's (?) train trestle nest, drove out in fields - she is v happy I enjoy appreciate car, how it's improved my quality of life - less stressful road trips etc.
 Bath - saw big stomach/legs from perspective missed in shower -ahh - not only does weight loss need to be a priority - not from vanity, but because extra weight is hard on my knees etc - could be adding to recent post-Gil body pains.
 Isolation time -looking into where I'm at - Please for Gil in my heart was love, which was share with him - he is gone, love remains - do not want it to be shrine to my loss/grief - a charred ruined altar to our friendship and times together - he is not here to share them with me anymore, love remains, do not store cherish fetishize it - make it available to share and give to world/friends etc - it was not Gil's, or our love tho we shared it, it was love and love is free.
 Sooz said that was a profound (?) thought -
 It's personal is all - it is vaguely nice, more than poke in eye with stick, to be known as best friend of popular guy - that happens - people don't think much of me - then they find out I'm friends of Gil, or Beate, or Scott -get some reflected glow - but none of that touches really core heart of our friendship, none of the people who are jading from afar spent times together Gil & I did - that's ours; now he dead it's mine to deal with. I choose to deal by letting go of restraints, not consciously keeping any love here for Gil - what love is in me for Gil will remain in me with no effort on my part - all love is shared free merges blends together shared.
 Drops of tincture do seem to help with social situations - or maybe it's just me in new phase old dead friends - growing learning doing my thing.
 Tues pm, back from Albany ~6: Starbucks, gas, hotel, drive to beach overlook - slivers of sun through clouds, then down into cloudbank, very windy - stay in car - hotel - sleep ~11?
 Gonna check out Newport dispensary - can't get medicinal - curious to see what's available. 11:30 - then slow drive 2hrs - inland Hemlock to Cape Lookout - check in - into town for groceries - 9 days, 8 nights -
 So far this is frankly going perfectly - giving myself extra days to allow for visit to Sooz - and unexpectedly allowing quality easy time with Parri - enough time for fewer pressured long day drives - hang in Bandon, wherever I like no concerns about time -
 - this is what vacations all about, boredom, isolation, let world go without me - relax and find out where things are -esp around Gil.
+++++
 Mon Jun 19.17 Coffee Roasters Florence OR
 This is good, yes - enjoy these open ended days on road, familiar stops - view of Florence bridge from rustic patio - comfy -
 Let's see:
 Sat: Oakland to Gold's Beach w/view of north end Rogue River bridge from elevated Hotel 6 - visited Parri in Arcata
 Sun: Gold to Florence,  - visited Port Orford gallery, Bandon overlook - took group shots for families - Coos Bay salmon teriyaki/sake, new pipe & nice chat with helper girl who had hitchhiked around, we talked about Hoover towns, living rough when young, current drug problems, tried to get to North Bend Peninsula - no luck, but fun explore - . I wanted nice view or atmosphere -Reedsport just a small inland town, hotels near noisy 101 - looked at Winchester - closer to coast -, rough 'n tumble, brokedown hotel did not advertise wifi/Yelp reviews were extremely mixed zeroes to high praise. Uhh - no - Florence, Best Western on southside of bay advertised views - trouble with internet signing in, but ~156 - whatever  - I wanted a view, and it was decent enough. Room good - Slept decently, up ~6:30 - snooze/slept till 8 - free breakfast with foggy view - waffle/butter/syrup - yum! Coffee, oatmeal - smoothie back in room, bath/shower - noticed in bath what I don't see so much in shower - my big stomach and legs - which probably doesn't help my sore legs. hips, knees - carrying more weight - and more weight discouraging me from more strenuous hikes, after work walks -
 Stayed in room till 11, no vacation gut shutdown - chill day - I'm lucky and glad to have it - nothing to do and lots of time to do it - 59 miles/1hr 10 to Newport - total open end - nice - relax - all good - I do like being on the road, esp nice foggy cool day like this - heat and wind wear me out -
 Anyway - many stops Sun overlooks etc - hot, but cool breeze - too windy to go out much -
 Today will be foggy - so - chill - stop at every town and overlook today - 4 drops of 1-4 tincture takes edge off - sharing pics from OR w.Nuria and she from Mexico on our parallel vacations -
 12:25 - maybe more coffee, chill on couch inside - then slow drive to Newport -hotel - beach - yes - I feel good -
 Losing weight/stretching must be priority - yes?
 Check map - see what's between here and Newport... Tues visit Sooz/Jack/Cheeto/Judd - cool!!!!!
+++++
 Sun Jun 18.17 Gold's Beach Hotel 6 above Rogue River Bridge - sipping room temp Nomad thermos coffee - yum.
 Difference between other years and this year:
 New car: easier to drive power steering cruise control tape player, AC
 Blender for morning smoothies (no eating breakfast out eggs bacon greasy potatoes)
 Android phone: GPS, constant fb photo share/email contact.
 Gil, Sooz gone
 Sat lv ~8, easy drive mostly, taped music fun/entertaining, couple stops - Arcata, found easy excellent parking spot, called PK - who knew I might be in area - sunny, nice Oyster Fest, meet at hippie grocery store for hot beverage, feeling good, talk about everything esp Gil's death, her life, daughters etc, I say life is too short not to ask for what you want, ask for recent naked pic, she says maybe let me think by sounded possible. Important thing is to ask, because it's normal, human and pleasure and sharing is good.
 ~2hrs in Arcata, lv ~4 - these long beautiful days perfect for travelling - stop to eat now and then - sandwiches etc, apple - no tincture till late in afternoon -
 Gold Beach motel 6 bottom floor $85 - ~9 tincture and small hit, drive to coast, walk beach not in water, cold - parking lot where other cars are parked watching big fishing trawler at night, some sunset glow in sky, it comes into slip (?), then pivots and turns back out - very cool to watch - felt like, this is good - relaxed, no pressure to do things, excitement, new experiences  - just, hang by ocean - not anxious or lonely - tincture may be helping  -
 Emailed Sooz I'm gonna take two days to get to Newport, visit Tue rather then Mon - it's ~5hours, and don't want to rush today - perfect - 2 days to chill slow drive to Newport, Tues morning drive to Albany, hang for afternoon, evening either stay in town, or back to coast - Wed Newport-Oceanside. Yes - perfect.
 Big food cooler working well - eating own food, chicken salad/pbj sandwiches - coffee in thermos - allows me to chill in hotel/not have to stop at restaurants - instead stop at scenic spots.
 Okay - showered, smoothied, facebooked, interneted, packed, hi to L&K - and now - whenever the fuck I want - before non checkout -
 Big food cooler, plus years of experience, has made packing easier/tidier - car & hotel not a total mess.
 Okay - rambling - all is well - Parri says body pain normal, does not necessarily mean I'm suppressing pain elsewhere - I noted that pain declined when I was with her & after visit - so, possible cure for grief's physical pain is quality companionship.
 Anyway - 10:21am, gorgeous day, enjoying just sitting here, drinking room temp coffee from Nomad - enjoy this moment - be here now. Visiting Parri, then visiting Sooz/Jack/Judd are best parts of this trip and don't forget it. Now I get to slow drive under no pressure, maybe lunch on sushi in Coos Bay, excellent - this is fucking excellent - thank you, gratitude - enjoy.
 Emailed myself some ideas before leaving - that helped! What to bring, and telling Buff/DJ how to water yard, where car roof rack pieces are, and to cash rent check, etc. Taking care of business.
 Good car, phone, blender - all this is really nice.
+++++
 Sat Jun 17.17 nm
 Short work day, ~9-3 - one pain in ass job, 2 cinnamon rolls (umm - ugh?), big laundry, home to put away make bed, drive to BB for berries, salad, sandwich etc... pack @home - a bit dazed mentally - sleep ~10:30 - mostly good sleep, some restlessness, up @6:30, shower, smoothie - pack food in new soft cooler, it all fit! Found lid for blender - it just - appeared! - camera, laptops, cords, chargers, clothes - probably too many jackets - toiletries, pot/tincture & accouterments -
 Post on fb - checked emailed list I sent myself last night - ah, pillow! Yes, worth bringing, go back for it - taped rent check to back window, watered backyard - brought request for 2015 tax filing - contact them before July 5. Msg'd Nicasio to give E Bishop ticket to someone else - they said thanks!
 Done with coffee - use bathroom - get pillow - head out -
 I'm a bit stressed about... boredom I know will come, fatigue of driving - maybe in past entertainment was to get high  not so much now - so - be happy with breathing, fresh air, beautiful views, take pictures - I told Lynn R, might be good for me to take pics, get creative, to get out from under this grieving rock - if Gil was alive, he'd be one most imitate friend with whom I'd talk about death, as we did about Scott - we understood each other - Hi Gil -
 Good friends die - that's a tough one - don't try to escape, it's make me sick and mad - accept, adjust - love -
 Okay - get pillow - leave. 2 weeks of no work, doing what I want where I want with good car cash music camera laptop - Sooz visit Mon or Tues - sounds great!
 Tes & I contacted, no to photos and brief chat, it's okay, understood, respected - also asked ArtsyTypegirl & Nur Mexican/Italian Frida artist for pics for creative play - they both saw request, no response - now - oh, and I just sent 2nd batch of selfies to Bobby - it's okay - it is okay - normal, I try to be respectful, not annoying - now it's done - the nude sharing/artsy nude requests, leave it alone. No more. Isolate on this vacation. I need time alone.
 I am very fortunate. Yes. Thank you. Life is good.
 I think this year's trip will be made easier with Cammie - music tapes - cruise control - it's just be me here now in a slightly different locale - mainly, I will not be at work - free unstructured loose time is good good good for the body and soul...
+++++
 Fri Jun 16.17 nm
 17 days free after today - coolio - whatever, wherever - offered Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ spot on fb - no takers - call, set it free -
 6hr day today to make up for 9.5hr Mon (photos/training) - after wk, laundry, groceries, make bed, pack - clothes, computers, cords, cameras, phone, electronics, shoes - Tevas (in car), Birkenstocks, hiking boots - shorts - toiletries - backup drive... shoulder bag, hats - pretty simple - I've done it - 9 nights 8 days in cottage - walk a lot walk a lot I need to walk off my grief - it's not going to go away, it may become neurosis if I avoid - can't move past it - can deal and heal day-to-day, but the missing continues - listening to Scott's new stuff last night became weepy, I miss him - Gil was one of few people (only person?) with whom I could really talk about that with deep understanding - because we spent so much time together with Scott -
 - well, shit -
 Sooz says Mon late afternoon good - that'd give me all day Tues, plus Wed till 3 for cottage - or could slow drive south/middle OR, do Albany Tues - get to Oceanside Wed... I told her plan on Mon, but could shift to Tues... she's okay with my doing my vacation how I like -
 1.45hr from Newport to Oceanside...
 1.25 From Albany to Newport = 3hr from Sooz's to Oceanside - just saying. Whatever. Distances.
 I just want quiet time alone - I miss Gil, was always there, reading my blog, liking each others' posts, sushi, visits, checking on his health/well-being. There's damage at roots of our friendship, expectations of Gil comfort no longer there WTF -watching his suffering, being present - of course we were all tore up - don't worry about how I 'handled' it. I was a mess. Short-tempered w/Buff about leaky roof, distracted when K was in town two months later, saying good-bye to Sooz, new car paperwork, donating Siouxie, body pain. Losing two local friends is scary -
 - but I think there's a level of pain, sorrow, sadness I am avoiding, rationalizing whatever - I need to grieve that heart stuff - at ocean - share it with mother ocean and the sisters.
 When to leave tomorrow? Up @6, pack car, multi-idiot checks, no bike, coffee at Nomad till 8 - Coos bay or beyond Sunday -
 8hrs from Oakland to Coos Bay
 2.15hrs from Coos Bay to Newport
 So, just - whatever - Newport Sun evening is easy - I could do 3 6hr days - where to spend Mon night is the big question - back to coast - then Tues just chill - stop where I want, overlooks, trails, loops, beaches - whatever - slow down, explore, get with my body/soul.
 Got $300 from bank yest, move more music onto phone.
 Tincture & flower last night - sleep ~10:45 - sleep well & deep all night - up at 6:16 alarm - shower, pick up plums, small pack beginnings - it's so easy - so light - all it is, is time alone, no excitement, just relaxation which is good/healthy for body/mind/soul - let go of work attachments -
 - without work who would I be. There'd be an adjustment - but I'd still be who I am now, but with confidence from  experience of working with many people at that level. I've been so fucking lucky. Work, cottage etc - all, thank you, from Karen, from Scott, from me - who got ball rolling. Studio where I was shooting 3rd world students, Design bldg, UCD campus. I made  myself valuable to them, as I do at work, because at some level deep down inside I feel like I have value, and my artistic creativity has value - not high-paying, but valuable in other ways - I brought what I had, gave it all to them. And I gained. You get back what you give out. There.
 Pulling back - let go of the contacting I was doing during (?) after Gil dying - something else is happening - I think I am withdrawing to heal - go ahead and do that - time alone on vacation to deal is feeling like exactly what is needed. Plus I get to visit Sooz/Jack/Judd/Cheeto. So how coolio is that?
+++++
 Thu Jun 15.17 nm
 Sleep ~10:45pm - no pot - dropper of tincture ~8:30? - slept well - up @6 - fuck it - shower, smoothie - lovely long days, not enough sleep -
 Lv Sun, Sooz Mon, Tues hang on coast, Wed Oceanside... sure...
 Wanted to get 2nd batch of intimate 80s selfie shares done before vacation, it was a distraction - asked 2 Frida art friends, sure - two Tonya pics, Hope's bed in Berkeley, coming in Snyder backyard (Tonya) - portraits of a young artist exploring his body - yes, I like being looked at, who doesn't? But also want to share un-shareable, shameful, fearful, etc - be brave - it's just a body. That was fine but N then sent bathtub pic, book and jus feet showing above blue water - okay - nice - then she sent legs in tub, one bent - I kind of freaked - like, that was what I wanted - very much! - on some level, sexy - very sexy - maybe also felt myself losing it - wanting to keep balance, not into painful desire for only pictures/sex thrills - not wanting to act the fool, lie - not wanting to fuck with her or myself - told he beautiful, I like it, but please don't feel you have to because of my shares - maybe I should have just let her? Later I said beautiful, if you feel brave and want share more that's okay with me. She said okay, later. I'm fine either way. How funny that I reacted that way though,
 Punched through my protective art crust to pure desire beneath.
 It's okay. Much as they serve the exhibitionistic desire to be seen, for attention - there's also a desire to share those selfies in context of all my other work. As art.
 Also, Tess & Shelley B both says 'gonna pass' - cool, mainly I'm glad that's over, no disappointment at all that they said no, just relief that they were comfortable saying thanks but no; my main concern was they might say yes to avoid hurting my feelings etc. Right on right on - good as can be hoped.
 Also, I want to withdraw for a week or 2, disappear into coast Oregon ocean offshore rocks downward looks into ocean death air sunshine living breathing animals bird words - visit Sooz first - 1st two days will be visit, see her new town, neighborhood - that'll be fun - and visiting her, Judd, Jack, Cheeto deserves its time - once done then Oregon vacation starts. Got it? Cool. Find a hotel a few miles away where I can explore the area.
 Found an easy way to move music onto the android phone - installed iTunes/moved into folder - listened to *** last night - couple of songs really stood out, emotional hearing his voice again - my instinct was, it was one almost like he was alive, grateful for his words, tunes etc - giving so much of himself - the real man - one song over and over - 2nd strong thought was share reactions discussion with Gil - oh, of course - I still don't get it - I still think he's here - so many levels of love - what would he think - can I still talk to him in my memories now? What would he say? Maybe he is still here and always will be - I will never be free of him, don't want to be, also don't want to be morbidly self-defeating. So that was real.
 Leave Sun, visit Sooz Mon, stay in Albany hotel Mon & Tues pm - breakfast w/Sooz etc Tues am? - Tues pm stay on coast somewhere - all day Wed to got to Oceanside - Google says 10hrs Oakland - Albany, and 1.15 Newport to Albany. Whatever - it will work. Plan on short 3-4hr visit.
 It doesn't matter how it goes - the important thing is, there's an opportunity to visit, so we do. Period. Visit her, the house, Jack, Judd, Cheeto - yes. That's what matters. Relax and let it be.
 Six hour day Friday, 9-3:30 -
 IM's w/L, maybe diff app for communicate.
 Chill time - need chill time for Gil time. Me time.
 2-Steps & SCF in a few days. Yikes. But it's okay. It doesn't have same pull, self-image heaviness it used to. I am me now. Being here now.
+++++
 Wed Jun 14,17 nm
 Yahoo mail down - UK/US - wtf
 Minor restless/anxious about Oregon - why - or am I starting vacation mental downlow process early - when to cisit Sooz? I'm thinking:
 Lv Sat Coos Bay
 Sun stay in Newport
 Mon drive 1.5hr Newport to Albany visit Sooz all day, back to Newport
 Then it tricky - Tues night where? Somewhere...
 Wed arrive in Oceanside
 So I could either Lv Sunday and not have that extra day, or
 Take two days to get to Newport...
 Sat Coos Bay
 Sun somewhere south of Newport
 Mon Newport
 Tues visit Albany, back to Newport Tues pm
 Weds drive to Oceanside
 Monday get motel for 2 nights... stay in Albany hotel? I think I like that idea - visit a town I don't know - explore on my own -
 So Sat Sun Mon Newport - lot of time on the road... 10hr drive from Oakland to Newport - lots of time to slow drive, chill - get bored - atop see sights visit stores etc... hmmm... do I want it slow or fast...? Decided later - ask Sooz if there is a best day.
 I could go up 5 to Albany in two days - but south Oregon.. hmmm... I'd see it on way home... so I have options... Elvin Bishop Sunday, leave Mon - up 5 - , Albany hotel/Sooz Tuesday, Wed Albany to Oceanside -
 Options - talk to Sooz.
 Bank Tues, gave them Sooz's signature on paper, Xo's acct updated, almost $20K - including my extra $1k for Cammie. Cool. Thank you Sooz.
 Digging through Gil feelings, 2-Steps CD arrived yesterday - emotional - that was an emotional tour - end of project - my photos look good - middle booklet spread is non-flaming art-space line-up around rock sculpture - there's Gil! There's the drummer... he would have liked it.. we would have laughed...
 Getting past 'best friend' designation, friend of celebrity status; getting down to he's not here, I don't understand, beginning to miss him - when he's not here to enjoy the 2-Stpes release with me/us. :-( All these things - I relied on him - I wrote these blog entries with him in back of mind, or front of mind, because I fucking knew he read them - cared enough to read them - cared when I made good with Dad, & had 'The Talk' about religion with my Mom, asked me to forgive her for raising me Catholic - he was happy for me, knew that aspect of my life, cared, told me things he didn't tell anyone else (says Stacey, but maybe he told me too, and I forgot, but yes I knew) , in the same way only I knew about Donnette's version of the red baron, having been around from the beginning of her & Scott.
 He knew problems with parents were core problem in my life, cause of lack of happiness - appreciated. Told me about his shame, guilt, embarrassment about getting so drunk in last year - I said you have serious issues to deal with and don't need to be punishing himself "for things that don't matter". About AA, making amends, apologizing being good for everyone. I wonder if he ever did. He seemed grateful for the advice, told Stacey - deadpan, I said "I never got drunk and made as ass of myself, so I have no advice." They both laughed.
 Everything is good, but I'm feeling the loss - of support, understanding, companionship, friendship... it just ain't right.
 Feel better thinking it through - I'd rather not have side trip to Albany - no really - I'm glad for it - just had to figure out how to fit it in, and I see several ways... def on way up, then slow drive home yes - get home Mon July 3, Zydego BBQ Tues July 4...
 And in-between... vacation... 3 paycheck month -
 Sun country drive with Eric, explore photograph cool music fest/behind abandoned bldg walls, very cool wit dramatic story blue/cloudy skies - hungry - salmon teriyaki - book store - Leonard's Up In Honey's Room (again), gave him check for $300, Harley Quinn comics & variety of hi-CBD flower and drops/edibles to try. Good visit before vacation.
 Just so long as I'm anywhere but home, on my own, with car, credit card, free time, forever to get there.
+++++
 Tue Jun 13.17 nm
 Big summer intern training went okay - take lots of mental prep days/weeks in advance, getting everything into my head, notes - talked at start about challenge of big group, distant screen, mainly Mac users, inexperience/self-trained in powerpoint - etc - think I got it all in - earlier module over-ran 20mins into mine - but we got it done -
 Slept well Sun pm, woke ~2am but took CBD drops , directed mind towards sleep, got enough - left a few things out, but got a lot in - basics, ribbon, autoshapes, ppt - they seemed energized. Got beef burrito, ate 1/2 before, 1/2 during break - that worked.
 Wears me out; sleep ~10 - awake ~6, drained, back asleep till 8 - could have used even more - yet in the past I'd have gone in early to do it again, or do it in LA, fly back that night, come in early to do it again in SF - no wonder I was floundering. Ridiculous, not well thought-out.
 Anyway - geez - I rock. Told Frida & GT stories those are good stories I think - invests me personally; at end handed out comment form - funny how they seem interested, sort of jump on it - hopefully because they can't wait to say good things about me. :-)
 Randy in LA today, Jeff sick but in early, I'd offer if he asked - I did offer a few weeks ago in similar circumstances and he said no.
 It's been all-intern training all time last week - done now - big investment of time, worth it - people run into me years later, say they remember my training - I give a lot of good information, tips/tricks they won't get anywhere else. Than you very much.
 Keep thinking about offering Ts the my 80s selfies - wait till I feel clear about it. Offer to share 2nd more intimate batch w/others during vacation. when I feel mentally right about it - wait until it fits.
 Nothing else on my mind - training consumes everything - 4 days then Oregon. Leave Saturday? Drive up 5 to Albany instead of coast - a lot of hwy1 is boring - I'll miss south OR bridges woods etc, but will see them on long drive home - better to do it on way up - hotel in Albany? So skip Elvine Bishop - offer ticket to someone!
 Shelley Barnett of 1977 send history of meeting Wayne/Michelle & I, then life after. Saved her from Moonies.
 Asked Buff/DJ about watering yard while I'm gone - casually mentioned last year yard looked dried up/bad when I got home - they stared off, but what was said was heard/no denying it -, I offered to pay grandchild who's staying front house while we're gone - she asked for watering schedule. Watering schedule? Good watering front/back twice a week - more if real hot days, or if plants look thirsty.
 k - feel a little blank/empty after big training focus - not easy standing in front of 25 people for 3.5 hours, expose myself and get it done. But I did it. Hooray for me - 20 years ago as in that nighttime winter ditch, drunk, drugged, broken, lost, after nearly killing several people, as well as destroying my own life - or dying myself. Eric was with me. Karen and Gil stood by me. In sleepless jail cell, not knowing where my car or myself were - looking at walls, knowing it could be the rest of my life if anyone had been killed - no excuses - silently wept because I would never be the teacher people had told me I could be, because I was good at explaining things.
 So now I am a teacher.
 Life is good.
 I got to nude photograph, shower, sleep, naked massage with Jen B. It's okay/normal that she went to Scott, & he used her to pry Donnette away from Jerry. It hurt. Traumatized because Scott scene was my only network, it was too painful humiliating to hang in it when pretty girl I'd brought in split from me to be with Scott; frightening to think of losing network connection because I had nothing else, living in my fucking car for fuck's sake.
 Teenage melodrama. No real biggy. Not cancer. Not death. I learned. I was not 'cool'. Maybe a little cooler now.
 Now - to work  :-)
+++++
 Sun Jun 11.17 nm
 No nm spotty internet 2days in a row - irritating. Just said new router fixed in 5.
 Sat during shipping drive listen The Veil at Coffee House tape ('83), also GT live, Hit By A Car, The Letter, Nan's keyboards, Dave electric drums - very diff feel that GT. Fun to revisit - one of coolest things about Cammie.
 After shop/yard stuff, WF for salad, cookies, sushi, jam - no alcohol - post-Gil brandy/sake business didn't last long - fall back on vice of over-eating. Sleep ~10:30- restless sleep after 4am - up ~ 7:30, force myself to stay in bed till almost 9 - nice visions of eating Renee B/others. Smoothie helped, but mild headache, likely from bag of cookies before sleep. Stop doing that. Hurting myself is not good - not in any way.
 Figure to visit SR regardless, shower, wash hair, lv ~noon, chill, eat, visit music thing - home by 8? Maybe trip will wear me out,; eating sushi always good before training.
 Move old fridge into side of cottage.
 Love my new one - deep enough for oblong strawberry box - holds much more food, less crowded. New rug perfect fit. Good morning digestion.
 Yes, a lovely drive with music, friend visit and sushi. Fun fulfilling doing something I like - not having fun/doing things I like because of upcoming training not a good idea - I can do training tired - ideal to do it well-rested - also important to live my life, be fulfilled - be myself - then I will be more myself during training/do a better job.
 Bringing CBD's, comics, books for Eric. Bring a check in case he needs $$?
+++++
 Sat Jun 10.17 II home
 2-Stpes out, reviews, people raving, a sadness about end of releases but also everyone excited about success of venture, honoring Scott the band - ; Mid-eastern salad, call Mom ~1 small talk/catch-up, 1st talk since mid-Apr visit, emailed Beth thank you putting me up.
 Orchard hardware yard sprinkler, Urban Ore $10 cool red patterned rug, excellent! IM's w/L throughout, send pics; San Pablo Garden Supply - hanging pot, chamomile, red Cosmos; dispensary - bud for Oregon, edible CBDs for me & Eric, free handroll.
 Got everything on the list, plus rug - food in new fridge. Cool.
 6pm still sunny and lovely - watering backyard because front hose has no metal thread.
 Plant chamomile in hanger and cosmos in small bed behind concrete seat.
 But first, beef sandwich - continue mellow chill day - lots of sleep, if up, SR sushi/Eric - Monday will be fun.
+++++
 Sat Jun 10.17 nm
 Fri @wk set up handouts & facepage layout/welcome flyer for Mon 25 person intern training, a few notes re approach - feels good - also adjusted projector in SF Conf Rm which was too big and out-of-focus - much better now! Good as it gets, feels good to have it done and have done it myself - not to have to rely on others.
 Little fridge dead, called around, Home Depot in Emeryville was only place - used GPS, forgot to measure - only small one they had 25" tall - GPS'd home diff route - freeway there, neighborhood roads back - fun - measured, 25" x 17" perfect - picked it up, kept upright as possible so fluids don't unsettle - Buff's cart in backseat, fridge in front - took out old, vacuumed, put in new - perfect fit - ~25% more room, 3 instead of 2 shelves, deeper, larger fridge - ice cubes! Much more door space - coolio! Feeling good about taking care of it/perfect fit/better than ever - ~$130. Cool.
 Mexican Frida page creator asked for more nude selfies (she said for friend, was that classic cover story for herself but too shy? doesn't matter), I sent reserved-for-vacation batch - more explicit, sexual (w/Tonya - including one she shot of me coming), more erections. Internet started and continues to cut out during this - did my boner break the internet? I enjoy attention for my young sexual body, yet there's enough distance - they are vintage, history, another person in another time of their lives - that I'm comfortable letting them go out there, not following up to check their progress etc - share is end of it. Yes.
 Odd coincidence that internet suddenly not working as I was sending those intimate shots - whatever.
 Maybe SR tomorrow Sun sushi w/Eric, free music event downtown - today have a walk or yard work, some physical exercise - walk downtown  -whatever -
 Trips to Oregon, in back of mind are earlier vests, wanting same experience of newness from past - not point - past years I've been successful at being present - of course mind wanders, loneliness, isolation, bad temper as I run into myself my humanity alone in isolation - but but but - point is I want time alone in beautiful place unstructured as possible and in the end it works out well. So looking forward to it - not so much long drive, but in Cammie with music/comfort etc it will be easier. Long drive provides sense of distance - Oregon bridges! Ocean views. Yes. The three sisters. Yes.
 Call Mom, get it done. Clear out side of cottage. Figure out where to put old fridge. Side of cottage for now.
 Medium size folding cooler bag arrived - perfect!
 Nearing end of recent Elmore Leonard.
 After fridge pick-up: @BB w/15mins to spare before 8 close, took <10mins to shop fruit, eggs, pudding, jelly beans, sandwich, sushi - pudding & 1/2 bag of beans sleep ~10:30, sleep well, up ~6, mentally awake but body wanting more so I subdued mind till 9am - new fridge so cold, thought too cold, but probably old one was not cold enough/weakening slowly I didn't realize - very cold smoothie - sat in yard, enjoyed morning light, rested, felt good - Tilden today might be nice.
 K - no internet so can't check sites, twitter, tumblr etc - home, check it out, call Mom, eat, live - enjoy my lovely easy life.
 At same time glad Game Theory releases done to get it out of my face, be in present, I find myself sad, bittersweet that attention is over, band is over, end coinciding with Gil's death - bookended as someone said, started because Scott died, ended when Gil died. If this had happened in other circumstances there'd have been Scott interviews, maybe mini-reunion of sorts - black cloud of death hangs all over this. It came into light and fades back into the black with only themselves - but yes yes - all good - so fucking glad it is done, done so fucking well. Thank you Dan, Cheryl etc.
 Wow. What a trip - from Scott's death, to hooking Jonathan Segal to Dan, Vanderbilt giving tapes to Pat, me giving photos to Omnivore & board tapes to Gil for Dan, Gil keeping me updated on melodrama around it all - interviews for the Don't All Thank Me book, and oral history for - was it Blaze of Glory?
 Fuck me - how unlikely & interesting has this all been? What are odds that obsessive documentation (photos, videos, audio tapes, saving artifacts) I did, hung onto out of some weird sense of dreaming, fantasizing them to have value - personal value to me, wishing against enormous odds someone else might find value in them - major part of my otherwise unexciting life - and bam - so it's been great, personally and 'professionally'(?) fulfilling. Then there's been drama of Scott's suicide and Gil's illness and death. Keeping whole event grounded in reality.
 It's been real. Can't say it's been great - but I suppose I look back and handled it about as well as can be hoped for. Sharing tapes, working with Omni's Greg to scan/share/photoshop pics. Cool.
 I thought if Scott made it there might be $$ in it for me - book of photos and all - dreaming - didn't know there's no $$ in art - and when it happened, it wasn't about money at all - it was about getting the job done well - seeing my work used appropriately by smart professionals - not overestimating my own talent - most time I was just a guy there with a camera. Not many people said 'Oh great photos Robert" - I didn't anticipate it because I know what good photography is; these were just snapshots - but as documentation, by son of a newspaperman, they worked. I like to think I was very easy to work with - timely, not a prima donna, not "that guy" giving opinions/making demands, doing whatever was request. So I can and will take some small pride in all this. For myself. I kept out of way of larger egos, simply filled my niche.
+++++
 Thu Jun 8.17 nm
 Looking forward to 2 weeks on OR coast drizzly hot overcast - hope it rains some - hope I am here now.
 Ifa I'm gonna be bored let me be bored by those rocks, long flat beach, away from things, stores, restaurants, neon - yet plenty of houses/homes close in emergency. Cottage sign from 20s - book July 2nd hotel in advance - home by the 3rd.
 Details don't matter too awfully much - main thing - away from work - in natural beauty - comfortable - bored - restless -
 Drizzly this morning - reminds me how nice rain can be -
 Hike Sat, get a fridge Sunday, eat sushi, chill, be all relaxed for Mon photos training -
 Most the fruit in the friend went bad/fuzzy [ got some bananas from Nomad - smoothie at home, shower - work - have let facepages languish - low energy - low enthusiasm - morale hurt I think by brouhaha over LA trainings - I should not have been pressured to do a task that exhausts me to point of feeling ill and wasted - humiliation of doctor's note - some resentment there -
 - let it go - too much good stuff at work - too much good stuff, people, benefits, food, pay, scanning, time to do my personal work - GT rereleases - would not have been able to do it otherwise -, videos, photoshop etc - all the photos, video I posted for Gil and friends to enjoy together - yes -
 Was in 30mins late one day last week - want them to let that slide and let me have it - but let it go - I take long lunches, come in late etc etc - there is no principle here to fight for - the 30min off my 40hr week is just a legality - it does not reflect how much flexibility I allow myself - let it go -
 Smart - go in 10mins late today - see? I am not being screwed - 63 - 2 more years & I can really retire if I want, with good benefits -
 meantime, breath, let go, eat healthy, be here now - life is good - 
 The love relationship I have is not traditional but it's lovely beautiful fulfilling for both of us tested and strengthening - 
+++++
 Wed Jun 7.17 nm
 Skype w/Sooz last night - good chat but me restless/distracted, trying to upload complete Phill JC Dobbs show to Scott fb page -
 Sleep ~10:30-6 - forced myself to stay in bed pillow over head despite light long summer days - looking forward to 2.5 weeks of long summer days on coast - 3 days, 2 nights to get there...? Lv Mon, south OR hotel... Tues get close to Newport... Wed last few hours to Oceanside 1st night... I think maybe I just want that, Cammie makes drive easier - I've been to all overlooks, scenic views, seals, spouts, etc... so - 2 nights? Then use Oside as home base for explore...? Or... see about shifting 1st day to last day, having that 3rd night on coast...
 But I could also just skip Nicasio BBQ, lv Sun, have 3.5/4 days travel/3 nights... yeah... Sooz & I discussed, we like being home, travel etc less appealing - if I'm gonna do it - do it now - but I don't think so... nothing is perfect.. there's no right way... what do I want? 9 days in Oceanside... well then...
 Stick with current plan - don't over/re-think - Nicasio music yes! Lv Early Mon arrive in Oceanside Wed pm. Tah-dah!!! :-D
 Nice to have choices. Life is good.
 This Mon in early to take summer intern pics, then train 1:30-5:30 - do-able. If I don't stress, do my best in circumstances, winner.
 Aside from over-eating, I'm doing well - mainly eating right/fruit/veggies/fish - I'm in big-time denial about again - every time I Skype with Sooz, see my self in lower right corner I'm unhappy about big forehead/receding (gray) hair, deep nostril-to-corner-of-mouth wrinkles, glasses, etc - there is no fountain of youth, losing weight, working out will not restore youthful vitality smooth skin smooth erect cock - I make myself unhappy not accepting reality - acceptance is peace of mind - denial about something so fundamental is understandable, but ultimately slops into other areas -
 Look at it - I think I still because of aging denial relate to younger work folks as equals - mainly I will be happier, more focused grounded wise in my decisions about exercise health relationships family retirement if I acknowledge reality of aging/death. Yeah.
 Old age it not what I expected - if I can call 63 old age - I feel great. Enjoy it while it's here.
+++++
 Tue Jun 6.17 nm
 Ran out of juice Mon afternoon - not a good feeling, but it was Monday after all - got home and sat, then bed ~8:30, dozing trying to stay awake till 10, then of course stayed awake past 10:30 - slept very well - up 6:30, smoothie, shower, Nomad
 Got Sooz's check & a couple more books - 3rd Spiral Horror & 600pg Wind Up Bird Murakami -
 Fridge busted - get a new one this weekend? Check hours of place on Shattuck.
 Maybe creative juices come back later - creative system depressed - (?) - from missing Gil - end of Game Theory dream, fun, memories - how much less valuable memories when no one to share them with - how much more valuable when there is - anyway, just my burden - don't dump it on people - we all have ours - suck it up - walk like a man -
 - leg pain mostly gone - left upper arm soreness still - not elbow anymore - stopped shifting around - started in elbow - then random - pretty consistently in front of upper left arm since late Jan - 4+ months - keep eye on it -
 k - no personal problems to be resolved - people like Tom & Shelley I pursue random thoughts wondering if it's my fault etc etc but fact is we just don't get along - no one's fault - I hold things against them, which is not entirely unfair, when the things they did/do are indicators of cruelty, disrespect, lack of caring, selfishness, manipulation - Fred would fall into that category - they are all there as people I like, but who I think don't like me - that's so - weird perversity: someone you don't much like/don't respect - but you like some part of them, & wind up being cruel - because unlike Gil, Karen, Eric, maybe Scott - who like/d me fundamentally - TSF not so much - so -
 Non issue - you hate to give up on people who've been friends in past - door will always be cracked open - but - price to come through door.
 yeah yeah. Sung this song before many times.
 Nothing today to say - work is just work - no drama - Taf gone, Gil gone - no drama - Game Theory drama all gone - Davis 80s scene all gone - I only want to hang out with people who think I'm great, or who recognize potential greatness in me - anyone uncertain about that can fuck off. Buff & DJ see it in me. I think if you hang with me enough - e.g., Beate - you see where I'm at. And visa versa.
 Man - hating my weak brain today - in 2 weeks I have almost 20 days off work, days by the ocean, see Sooz, Jack, Judd & Cheeto in OR. Days without boundaries, schedules, with ocean sound clean air yes. Sounds frigging great - boredom is price, and risk of overeating etc - but - boredom is a very high state - creativity slips in. Be creative.
+++++
 Mon Jun 5.17 nm
 Yeah wounded but no pity for sad Robert who is not at home with migraine or stuck somehow whatever
 Sun lv ~10 for Reyes no plan, easy traffic, sunny morning, a bit dazed but good, decide too soon for another Bear Valley, through Pt Reyes Station out Limantour, way too gusty to visit ocean but fun to see area/ocean again, park eat sushi, map, Sky is ~1.5 miles to Wittenberg, side trip to Muddy Hollow - just a parking lot - pbj @ Sky parking, stroll beautiful sunny Sky, left at horse trail, through Wittenberg fields, sit meditate chill, nice, back down to Sky - nice nice - double back ~1.8 - legs feel good, no joint/hip tenderness - energy good (from restful Sat), lovely driving day, cassette tapes -
 Olema for melty Metropolitan ice cream bar, text Stacey about dinner, sit @Nicasio w/porn "romance" novel - fuckity fuck fuck - ez drive home, through Albany, stop @Pegasus (Peets closed for repairs - gahh!!), gourmet ghetto produce store for berries, Virginia Peets Mocha/ choc covered blueberries - contemplate Friends Mtg place where I did AA - (btw after Sat pm sushi, walked few blocks to choc gelato) - stop @BB for sushi box, bread loaf, black bean chile - fill Cammie's tank - car wash @Telegraph/Alcatraz - some dark gunk on hood/roof did not wash right off - need to sponge/bucket clean -
 Home IM w/L a bit, some sexy - hi to Buff but not feeling chatty - saw off mallow big limb / several small which has been dry/ unhappy for months - eat chili & bag o' Peets blueberries -
 Felt good all day -was free to do what I wanted, make spontaneous decisions, drive a nice gift car with music I enjoy, beautiful weather and generally felt contented and fortunate to have time to do what I enjoy yes -
 Just to feel happy at all - accept it - I am happy - no more whining self-pity - sad days of youth - rejection by family and peers - are well and long over. Youth sucked, divorce and deaths sucked. Note that I felt rejected by peers, but based on HS fb reunion page I am well-remembered by many.
So I need to own some part of the problems.
 Good day. Long days. Fri chores. Sat rest. Sun play.
 Little fridge might be dying, plugged in, humming but not cold. Hmmm.
 Sun:
 Limantour visit
 Sky Trail to Wittenberg
 Olema ice cream bar
 Nicasio rest stop
 Solano Pegasus
 N Berk produce & Peets
 Berk Bowl grub
 Fill Cammie's tank
 Car wash
 Saw mallow limbs
 Good memories out in Reyes - areas of pleasure, hikes, highs, exploration, testing myself - all good.
 All good.
 State tax sent notice I did not file 2015 tax - so - do that. Good to have it done with.
 K real sick miserable with bronchitis & allergies :-(
 Sleep ~11? Sleep good, lots of dreams, walk ~6, up 6:20 shower/smoothie all good. Legs still better - left knee a bit weak getting into bed/ I think that's been for years - left arm still tender pulled back, did some stretching with weights /overall okay movement.
 Life is good regardless.
 Don't kick myself for wheedling into Shelley's life/apt, then losing interest in sex, staying past due date (partially because I had nowhere to go and also everyone said stick with it because all marriages are tough) - none of this is unusual - many marriages are built on less. Shit happens. But dig in and admit it, shame/fear/guilt/denial about my own discomfort/sins in marriage is one of reasons I don't want to revisit / insist on some sort of fairness (acceptance) from Shelley before we can ever be good. We can't be good until I am good with myself - currently not - Gil was same way - we both had divorce/marriage guilt. It's not her. If I'm willing to let myself off hook for things I got wrong, then I can let her off hook as well.
 Oh. The hook. Let her and I off.
+++++
 Sun Jun 4.17 nm
 Sat napped a lot - after Nomad, sit a while, salad lunch, nap under quilt for hours? okay - up early Fri for 8am arrival, after work BART 3 stops backwards to get seat, off at Rockridge, Stilton, salad on walk home, laundry, groceries - up a bit late - restless -  Fri was long -
 Sat did nothing - enjoyed freedom to nap - yes - 3 books from Amazon: Spiral horror, Mad Love (Harley Quinn), Collette(?)... ? shower, ~6 drive (considered walking but that would have spoiled mood of day) to mediocre Shattuck sushi place (there are a few) for udon, sushies, special bluefin treat (yuck), sake - miso, sake & udon good- but there sushi too big/not flavorful - atmosphere okay, but find a diff place - visit Pegasus magazine section etc -
 CBD candy and half dropper of tincture - I think I was feeling it - reduction in anxiety - less reactive - not same as opiates which wrap one in a distinct warm cocoon, artificial comfort - CBDs produce a comfort level I am not used to, resulting in an acceptance of reality that we are all separate, must simply treat each other with artificial respect kindness, without real nor faux intimacy - what's it called - manners - manners Dad & Mom put such stake in - got it - something...
 Sat at restaurant, looking out window - feeling okay - even, happy, grateful - but - somehow - mind looking to hang onto something - ready to fight for my life and my place - my piece of the action - grab golden ring of sympathy for my life pains, a home willing to take me in - poor boy - I miss anxiety - it's how I - see myself - know I'm here - ready to remand attention for my being special... if I'm comfortable - then - something wrong? I ought to respond to lack of anxiety with anxiety - something - essential - that makes me me - missing - ?  If I'm happy competent at peace, no one will provide me a home. You see... What about me! I need help!
 This is how we all feel at some level...
 It was fine - napping all afternoon, shower, drive to restaurant for big meal with experimental side dish and one good sake - yes - $90 meal - lots of rest - in terms of day-to-day this is great. Maybe mild discomfort/dislocation yest was moderate large dose of CBD - stick to 2-3 drops, or small piece of candy - ideal is barely noticeable result, mildly sedated against my social anxiety. A thing missing, and maybe like atenolol, from which I learned that I did not need to respond to e.g., Taf's bullying - small dosed of CBD resulting is decline in social anxiety I can learn that it is not necessary, there is nothing to fear - till w/out CBD it becomes new normal.
 Weekend CBD experiments.
 Sleep ~11? till 7 - lots of dreams then suddenly awake, chill - CBD still in system? Will I get used to having a little in my system at all times - will it make me happier, as I get used to less over-thinking? But anxiousness, sensitive tendrils out - part of my creative response to world - turned off - do I want happiness, or creative life? Gah. Both. Yes. I can do it. I have been - essentially happy and content for years now - celebrate! Be grateful! 
 Woke in odd state... slight dislocation - not in a bad way - feeling of needing to respond to world, cottage, kitchen and gain reassuring comfort from them, not there - move slowly to make smoothie - drink in backyard without placing beautiful garden in context and say "yes I have this I did not have what I wanted now I have it therefore this is good" - see? Today I enjoyed it without mentally defining it in context - I just sat there and it was good. Overthinking is not my friend.
 8:49 - head home soon - leave ~9:30 - morning 7-mile Bear Valley, or 5-Brooks, or Sky... bring sandwich, sushi etc - nice. Not because I need to reassure myself I have a life of fun to tell people hey I did this cool thing today it's not about being cool for attention - well for me it is - but - for one day just for practice I can have my enjoyment medicinally because okay how about this for Gil - I miss Gil, body reacting with pain, mental depression - do this for myself to help heal - just for me - I will not disappear  if I do this for me just because I enjoy it - this one day -
 - if I'm not getting attention I don't exist - where is my substantial fundamental sense of self within - is this why people have a belief in God - for constant reassurance they exist they can tell because God loves them? Or do we mainly just not have that because what the fuck is it anyway - ego?
 You get used to anything - poverty, pain, age, no car radio, being alone - yes yes yes - life is full of many things and we are all the same but also all different - different drummers - some of us losers find happiness outside mainstream, which rejected us. Okay. yes.
 9:06 - home, pack food, grab boots, head to Marin and decided which walk to do. Yes, yay - what about - Limantour spit...? I could even be at Sonoma coat by noon - choices. Olampoli. All. Good.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sat Jun 3.17 nm
 Fri after wk: cannabis candy at work, Rockridge BART, slab of Stilton & Vietnamese chicken salad, eaten at College & Alcatraz bench, thinking about sexy smile blonde artist worked with Shelley '85 at campus coffee place, shot nudes but small room harsh light didn't get much plus we didn't bond, she "borrowed"/kept negs. Ate her while eating salad. Wahaha. Pretty big laundry & WF for soup/eggs/hemp milk/sushi/sandwich/toothpaste.
 Walk from Rockridge felt good, strolled slow - Rockridge, laundry/groceries - clothes away, bed made, clean towels - feels good, good way to start weekend. Wake up this morning having slept well, deep, dreams, nothing pressing on my mind.
 Drops of tincture before laundry, plus cannabis candy at wk - if I felt anything it was mild, tho I did get things done methodically, not feeling stressed - and left laptop in Camry not remembering I'd brought it. Hmm. Tincture & drops are low THC Indica CBD - and - body feels good - making bed last night getting on and off legs/knees felt okay - so is it helping? Body pains come and go - psychological.
 Tilden today?
 Mainly past transition of contacts during Gil crisis aftermath, this also happened when Scott died - through record rereleases etc - I knew it'd calm down - poor Gil goddamit - poor me - Scott died, my body hurt, I was depressed/physical pain - same w/Gil - visit w/Stacey for both of us -
 Last month or so noticed contact fading and that hurt as isolation returned, my natural state - it's fine - passing wave - I posted a bunch of photos/videos to Scott fb page for Gil to enjoy, well for us all to enjoy together - now Gil's gone that's pretty much stopped entirely -
 Today, this morning, too much snacks/sugar yesterday - peanuts, cereal, yogurt, free food, two cinnamon rolls - small sugar headache - low blood sugar on BART, Vietnamese salad helped a lot!
 When will I stop - ?
 Over-eating - but walking again - now add in good food/good snacks - of what sort?
 Sun Pt Reyes 7-mile. Next weekend free music in SR - so, sushi?
 Oh, boobs. Boobs are nice.
 yet I don't feel 63 - at all - healthy, happy - not many traumas - no illnesses, tragedies, early family deaths like Mom & Dad's families - even with my difficulties, my life has not been as hard as many many others - only my share - disappointments, sure, minor regrets - can't complain since I've wound up in this good place, with peace of mind, sanity, friends, good job, cool housing etc... there is a place for me in this world, I'm essentially just like everyone else -
 I just need to tell myself this every day.
 Deaths that affected me deeply:
 Chris Catalfomo 2013
 Scott Miller  2013
 Dad 2013
 Gil 2017
 Geez - 2013 sucked - Game Theory gone I think, but what's really up is now it's down to Gui, Donnette, Shelley - Jimmy - BSC tour - good one - so - so those are all past - while Scott, Gil & I had ongoing - oh, bam! - 
Now I know in life people do go away - die - never come back - The End. Fade to black.
 Started new Elmore Leonard, Amazon orders appearing: Decameron, Spiral Horror -
 Nice. Life is good. Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Getting my head around this - through view of facebook friends - how many are/were 'friends' only because of Scott/Gil connection so we stayed in touch and share opinions, music, etc - I only was friended to stay in touch with Gil's insights, likes, opinions, activities, etc - and they with I - so, within a reasonable respectful timeframe - bail on many of them? Because why the fuck am I staying in touch with people I don't know in a music scene I don't care about? I t gives me a false sense of community.
 Currently, thinking about that scene, visiting Scott fb page is sad because it puts deaths, seeming end of major life era right front and center - give it time. I have memories that don't rely on Scott/Gil - not 100% directly anyway - give it time - wounds heal. Yes.
+++++
 Thu Jun 1.17 nm
 Steady stable level location then events bring you up & down but eventually you stabilize into happiness level always in you -
 Unless you get religion or some fundamentally changing event - but as we age those sort of things are rare -
 I'm about happy mostly, but bitter, angry about being rejected by world -
 Love from Gil, Karen, Eric - what saved me - from bitter cynical nihilism - loving Xo, being honored as her godfather, saved my soul - permission to love from depths of my being -
 - but do make gestures no matter how small -
 cards letters hellos
 Slowing down old age does happen in the future does no mean a different other me with clear demarcations not at all -
  - it will be me older slower more mellow - less physical pleasures for sure - but still - peace of mind - realism -
 There is no future, no "will be" - there's only now - trick is how to embrace and live it -
 This is it, this eternal life in a breath -
 TV is garbage  - I buy into it regardless - TV is easy to avoid, message surrounds us - internet feeds me what I want to hear, I go to DailyKos / liberal news sites for comfort - they tell me what I want to hear -
 - but they also give me hope where there is none. We will not 'win'. Money talks.
 There was physical pain/weakness after Scott died - I got over it - likely this is similar - I'm making a point of working my body when I walk around - keep moving keep moving -
 There is no tomorrow.
 Taped rent check to back window - mail Xo account 'card' to Sooz today w/self-addressed stamped envelope for renew acct - bed is unmade, but dishes are done - savings taking a hit with $2K to Xo's acct (1K for this year, 1K for Camry) - but still above 50 in solvent funds - feels good - peace of mind -  I am fortunate.
 My circumstances are good. We are all - Buff/DJ/landlord/neighborhood/Karen - invested in keeping current structure together.
 I did not know the Suspects, nor Steve Wynn - fair enough - I "knew" him as well as I "knew" most people - I just mean I knew of him - "knew" Gavin a bit - Quercio and rest - I knew Fred, to some extent Nan - all those others I was in the same room/club/bar "with" on tour in 80s - I did not "know" them - I did not share the bond of musicianship or even chummy easy-going social pleasure - I'm still e.g., on 80s Paisley fb page - why? Because Gil was in Rain Parade and I shot that album cover - because I was around desperate for social contact when Wynn was at KDVS - I dreamed about those hallways - I thought I might find a network of bunch of pre-made friends there like LRY - that's not how it works generally - not real friends - social proactive being in a room with many - dressing the same - learning from shared experience - high value, yes!
 But like fb LRY groups - I was an outsider among outsiders -
 Some small comfort a shredded blanket -
 A breath of real fresh air this morning more fulfilling.
 See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend. Call Mom.
 Have not wanted to share more intimate 80s selfies with Frida friends - glad it is not a sexual compulsion - something else was at work - my personal art space - Gil & Scott saw me at my work - that is a private side of me -
 - anyway - work has been easy'ish, Randy out sick all week - over-eating pretzels, yogurt, peanuts -
 I'll be okay - I'm fine - but the rough swells of Gil's being gone forever continue to make a challenge as I don't know exactly where my feet nor head are - -
 - but I'm okay - and glad circumstances stable. Glad for the Nomad, yard, morning bird songs -
+++++
 Wed May 31.17 nm
 This is getting long/boring - maybe good to just blurt it all out give myself attention here - but pull back a little and stick to facts -
 R called in sick yest - J at home - fortunately work was moderate, Culi clocked in early - all got done fine -
 Skype w/Sooz for 2hrs again - small glass of sake - no alcohol in cottage now - as it should be - discussed needing her signature to recreated Xoxo account, send me her mailing address, visit in July on way home, not on way up - 1.5hrs from Newport - no problem - night in Newport, Albany in morning - breakfast! -, back late afternoon/evening -
 Body pains are a subtle subliminal thing below surface - I did not suddenly get old when Gil died - but - something - I don't understand - and, nothing to do but keep on keeping on - work body more than ever - after-work walks, daily weekend walks - etc - stretch with weights - if cannabis helps then go for it -
  - if I had free time/resources I'm have my face skin damage looked at - tho it's not keeping me from doing anything I like doing, right? so it doesn't matter - but the eyelid warts kinda bug me, good to have growths removed to be sure cancer not returning -
 - quieting down.... let it be... let go...  call Mom... remember what matters - family... extended family...
+++++
 Tues May 30.17 nm
 Up early for Sooz Skype night - slept decently -
 Mon stayed around town, mostly even in bed - taking it easy - ~2:30 to Nicasio for Wonderbread BBQ - meh - cover band, not my thing - kids were told not to run around, which was main fun memory from last year - but, salmon, 1 IPA, 1 Juicy Lucy in ~2hrs - fine - sipped drinks - danced a bit on new deck - intoxication not a problem - kept close eye on it -
 Was feeling disconnected, snarky, touchy - I think that's usual, esp when music is not engaging - alone knowing no one there -
 Still, yes - good to get out - clean air, beautiful valley - cool event - a few people who recognize me as a regular - whatever - yes - not totally isolated - and, skipping Mon hike, resting worked, because I feel rested and good today -
 Rested - talked Oglaf cartoon w/Tess; much IM'ing w/*, 3D links - interesting stuff!
 Haven't called Mom since March WV - get on that. No excuses.
 Send note to Sooz for sig for Xoxo acct. $2K out of my savings. Am I being stupidly martyr over-generous? We'll never know. No one - not Gil nor Karen - said I was overdoing it. So.
 K - back to work life - get things to do on weekends, even if walking across town to Gourmet Ghetto, then bus home - or walk home - but get out, explore, walk, I never know what I'll see or learn. Walk to N Berk Peets - it's weird feeling, walking alone, feeling isolation/social anxiety - explain yourself! How dare you go out in public!? Do it do it do it - I'll get used to it and be basically happy -
 - knee weakness getting in and out of bed - keep walking, squatting, using them, working them gently, they will heal - yes - stretch arms torso with weights - recuperate - send msg to body it is loved, it is me, Gil pain will not be allowed to settles in -
 sad - missing Gil - vast gap in life - decades gone - decades of memories we shared and laughed about will now fade... bummer -
+++++
 Mon May 29.17 nm
 Gil read my blog, watched me work creatively, was happy and deeply moved when I worked out difficult parental issues - me & Dad, Mom asking me forgiveness for religious upbringing - he was so happy for me - as was Scott - these men saw my unhappiness and were happy for me when I got free from under it.
 Sun departure delayed by phone not working - got online IM support and fixed it - cool! 10:45 to Reyes - packed parking lot!! grabbed no-car horse carrying area - ticket? No when I got back others had followed my lead. Sunny valley, foggy on ridge, drippy windy but very pleasant/beautiful - trails dry and fine - green, lush, good to be out - pot not in picture at all - would have helped with visuals - maybe someday a pot walk - walking back down 2nd trail into sunlight ~1/2 way down - gorgeous - that's what I wanted - an easy walk into nature beauty - perfect -
 - legs a bit uneasy at first, but soon got fine - feeling lack of winter walks in lungs - but did it - 5miles was easy - keep it up - after work up Nob Hill and Coit - build stamina -
 - lv for Nicasio ~3 - Sinatra tape - Sons of Soul Revivers were great! Damn - voices! Band! Happy music! Danced with them up front, got their live RN CD. Blues Broads were okay; vibe @BBQ friendly, reunion, happy, joyful  - chatted with skin care lady next to me about skin care/sun protection - got overcast but not windy/cold - great weather! - Tracy Nelson sat down did Down So Low - have not heard that since 70s - knocked me over, almost made me cry - what a song! what a performance/voice! Audience frozen. Best Blues Broads gig yet. Last song Oh Happy Day with Sons was - yes - a special moment. Bob said "We're all lucky." - yes. Thank you Bob & Angela.
 2 IPAs timed for beginning of each set - plus BBQ brisket - half through BBs had Juicy Lucy - felt it a little, helped loosen up/dance on side deck - by time left safely sober. Okay - worked - used alcohol to relax, enhance enjoy day, not to get intoxicated/obtain license to misbehave. Keep it up. Don't act fool. Extreme caution.
 @home just chill, sleep ~10 - sleep well all night - up ~7? A little uneasy, not for any reason I can tell - I want to wake up happy! No reason not to. Life is good. Much to be grateful/thankful for.
 Shared WEF memories to *. Good timing for that.
 K recovering from bronchitis.
 Today? 9:30 - if I'ma gonna do Reyes again I need to leave in ~30mins - not sure I see that happening. See if Stacey wants to do lunch? Call Mom?
 If I go, out in nature, I'll be glad I did - decide where - Olampoli?
 Camry is great - skylight, power steering, cruise control, tape player, adjustable seats, AC - my my - I do deserve it in that I appreciate it.
+++++
 Sun May 28.17 nm
 What if Frida w/gun had not gone viral, and if I'd been Scott's & Gil's friend but not a photographer. I'd still be me. Life would be very much at its essential like now. Those events do not make me. I made them.
 Here. Now. I am here now. 
 I am here now.
 This is true regardless.
 Foggy/overcast - If I leave ~10, get to Bear Valley ~11:15 - 3 hrs to do casual 5-7 miles - back ~2:30 - doors open @3, music starts @4. Something like that - 10:30 prob fine. Going to take it easy anyway -
 - and let's bust out weights, not from imagined fantasy pressure - but as therapy to get my body, arms, joints back to healthy feeling good - they are begging for a workout.
 Put down here some memories of * WEF visit, mailed to myself.
 k - 9:30 - lv here ~10, head to Reyes ~10:30 - then music, BBQ, couple beers? No more than 2 - one per band.
 Life is good. Yes it is.
 Right thing, taking Sat to do nothing, except shower, eat, nap, brief bookstore, ice cream cone, Dean Martin/Nina Rota tapes. At night, pot, youtube.
+++++
 Sat May 27.17 home 7:40pm
 chilly evening
 Got home from wk early Fri, lots of yard work/frantic feeling - too many jelly beans did not sleep well -
 No plan, man, no impetus - internet, chasing down pics of model Vincent Littlehat, sensitive to growing awareness of fact of being more alone - is this what Buff picked up on - I am lonely - but only beginning to feel/know what that means long-term -
 Anyway - not much energy, but figure with music/hikes(?) next two days, okay to do nothing today - showered/wash hair, nap, Mideast BB salad in yard (! :-) !), ~6 drive downtown: 1/2 priced books + chocolate gelato, Dean Martin/Nino Rota cassette.
 Well, that all worked - clean, rested, fed, bit of cultural book searching - almost bumped into 1-titted bi-lesbian Janet from early Berkeley days, who I avoid now, for a few reasons, but among others, I don't exactly relate to her now, + she was one of girls who rejected me I know it's not fair etc etc but I retain resentments. Saw her profile, turned trying to remain neutral and walked away away away not bothering to ask information desk where to find Louisa May Alcott's Little Women.
 Yes - almost called Stacey but not stamina - soon!
+++++
 Sat May 27.17 nm
 Don't repeat.
 Feeling loss of Sooz/Gil - moving away from grief over Gil, now  as I get back into private life feeling personal loss - I lay in bed, on edges, loss of network, protection - people I could count on if shit happened, who could count on me - gone now - okay - this if life - deal with it - keep moving forward -
 - shared grief brought us into each others' orbits - so we some of us have bonded now - Tess, Frida friends, Donnette, even Shelley to a degree, Stacey - gently we go back to our lives, merging remains, don't cling - tho okay to make efforts to secure, shore up, admit, say something, make an effort - less shocking than Scott's sudden network reveal - BZZT!! - everyone slipping around in dark blood brokage pain grasping for an arm to hang on -
 - a bit paralyzed Fri - refusing to eat - keeping busy - just want to get into bed, get high, hide... fearing weekend, like uh-oh unstructured time alone, that means experiencing isolation/loneliness - uh-oh - clinging - going back to fb every 5 mins to check for anything - IM, posts, likes -
 - it's okay - watch for signs - stress, panicking about along time, overeating, eating tons of sugar (bag o jelly beans last night), drinking alcohol - watch out for Nicasio BBQ! If I'm uncertain, stick to water!
 It's an adjustment - like moving, divorce, marriage, etc etc - normal difficult bumps in road - life is change, pain is learning, ultimately makes us stronger -
 Fri after work, cinnamon rolls, IM w/, about missing her and that being okay - accepted price - from yard, chopped bushes to widen sidewalk, wide enough for wheelchair, start to make start molding of west-of-front-stairs bush into rectangle - cleared out beneath DJ's big red berry bush. Looking good. BB for sandwich, sushi, clam chowder, salad - eat salad & soup for late lunch/dinner.
 Feeling sad, but face it - 2 cinnamon rolls on empty stomach, bag of jelly beans in bed - sugar blues.
 Today: Hanging pot for front of cottage (hole in bottom of current), east side of cottage needs clearing out, find large flexible cooler bag for road trips, Tilden!? A walk would do me good - gotta walk through pain - call Mom - email Beth.
 Ordered several comics: Ito's spiral horror, Harley Quinn's Mad Love, Murakami's Wind-Up Bird Chronicle P Smith mentioned in M Train. Cool fun.
 Okay - keep busy, focus on happiness, do the right thing - family, sobriety, keeping home tidy & clean, eat right, exercise, don't wallow but do keep eye on impact of Gil etc and be kind to myself.
 No sugar nor alcohol a good ground level focus.
 K - shopping, yarding, calling Mom - could do tomorrow :-D - let's go - get moving - don't stop - be here now - wish for being here now - all good - Stacey?
+++++
 Fri May 26.17 nm 2:00pm
 1/2 day @wk 8-12 - couple jobs - boom. Breakfast burrito - 4 drops of cannabis when I left cottage - I think I feel nothing, but I also think I detect mellowing but no high. Adjust perception of pot as 'high', focus on mellowing effects? Which help me sleep, in small doses help ease basic anxiety, social & other?
 That's what I'm looking into. And it's not fucking with my interactions - maybe a tiny bit? Nah. But stick with 2 vs. 4 drops for now. I had 4 just a few minutes ago before leaving for nm. Stopped in SF for two, day-old cinnamon rolls, ate one on Market St plaza. Fat pigeons scruffled for crumbs.
 Fun - and not a sexual - to share the 80s intimate selfies with people I barely know but who we know each other as artists only. See the difference Since we don't know each other in real life, there's less to no flirtatiousness involved. I enjoy them seeing my cock, they enjoy seeing it - and it's light, no explanation necessary - I'm an artist/photographer - some of them are artists - so it works at a different level - they know my work, my nudes of women, naturally they wonder about it, wonder about did I ever model myself. so there's actual reasons to share, and they do not lead to further conversations built on real-life relationships or desires as happen with Nan.
 Need for motivation/choice of photos to share being based on my life as an artist is real. Collected a batch, realized choosing was more focused than I knew - not photos of my body/sex I want to be seen, but photos that grew out of various artistic periods that reflect my state of visual mind. It's cool and clear this way. Discussing Larry Clark with/Mexican painter, who IM-reposted one of me, compared to Clark's nude couple in tub, as we discuss I enjoy her seeing me, also enjoy normalization of my body/sexuality/cock/self-touching in artistic context - which, similarly to shooting nudes - we get to enjoy the bi-product of the body share, and sexual pleasure - without that being the focus that obscures all else. She learns, I learn - it's cool. I'm cool about it, not asking them for pics, not dumping more just because I can. A focused share. I hope it's as cool as I think it is. Seems to be. Adults are allowed to do this.
 Yes.
 I wish to be here now.
 Opened package from L this morning - period catcher, chocolate, tootsie pops, snacks - kiss paper wrapping and ink.
 ~4 days off - nice - today, Saturday, Sun/Mon BBQs, some of Tues am.
 Is it all about sex - sex is pleasure, pleasure is sex - yes it's all about pleasure.
 3pm - haven't eaten real food since breakfast ~8am - bank after work to reset Xo's acct - need Sooz's sig, send form to her - takes $2K more out of my savings - this is giving that I know in my heart is balanced out - it's all win - some sense of 'responsibility'  - more than greed or fear - says save every penny, keep it all for me, for the future - $500/yr, and also $1K for Camry, because I think in spite of it being a love gift from Sooz, money is funny, and gifting Xo $1K as 'payment' gives me comfort, that I 'gave' something for it. I was given a kindness, gave a kindness to someone else for it. Yes.
 Requested cc upgrade from 4K to 6K. They ought to do at least 5. Beth mentioned that a cc card with high balance reflects well on my credit score - makes sense. Cool. Current balance is ~ 50-56 after predictable payouts vs. actual solvent cash. $k to XO knocks that down to 48-54.  Then rent, then bla bla bla. That matter some, but cottage, friends, Nomad cafe around corner, toys, car, steady job, healthcare, good health, etc etc etc - good habits - that means more than $$ - $$ matters - a lot! But - it's not everything. Gift from L. Love from K. Many many many good things in life right now. Worrying about if I have enough $$ in far future is joy killer. I have enough $$ now. To get anything I like, to do the things I enjoy, eat well, help friends, vacation where I like. Trips to Mendo. yes. So. Good.
 I wish to be here now.
 Now.
 Let's.
 Eat.
+++++
 I wish to be here now.
+++++
 Live your life in a way that when death comes you just accept it
 Do not worry about the moment of death
 Concern yourself with living well, in the moment, which is eternity
 There being no past nor future
+++++
 Thu May 25.17 nm
 Nice - 1.2 day tomorrow/Fri, Mon off - two BBQ shows, no or very mild hangover effect from Tues Sooz Skype sake - yest @work unexpected training came up - how is this happening? Write this shit down in calendar! - I thought I did - may not be me - anyway, spontaneously dove in through lunch, two people MA & other CSS - went fine I think, they said it was very helpful, took their photos, uploaded, etc. Kind of fun actually.
 Then - drive straight from home drive to BB - could walk, but needed lots - smoothie fixings (rasp, blue, straw and black-berries), hemp milk, sushi, clam chowder, Mideast salad (adding new ingredients), eggs - thought about WF for cognac but decided no - I think currently I'm at risk because low-level hard-to-detect Gil grief, Note: drinking to excess during Sooz Skypes.
 Watch it. This is no joke. I'm at risk of driving drunk - aside from feeling sick/embarrassed - drinking to excess for me is a death trip - a way out - just stay away - I know this - I feel GOOD when I am sober, pursuing, honoring, appreciating my quest for sobriety.
 See if Stacey wants to hang Saturday?
 Call Mom.
 Getting more quiet, withdrawn, back into my quiet life.
 Mexican Spanish Teacher/painter Frida friend responded to L Clark images/Tulsa online, compared Clark's nude couple standing in tub) to Davis selfie touching myself (1st erect) - titillated (thank you), also below surface distraction appreciate acceptance of my youthful sexualized body captured in my medium of creative expression; intimate/personal does not mean no artistic/personal value. Got it. Breath it in. Never perfect - but a good goal rather then suppression/self-hatred. Bigger world now than when M&P were growing up - Catholic church community not enough.
 What the fuck are we? Who are we? What is the family relationship. I came out of Mom's body. That is worth special attention.
 Slept ~10:30 - bowl of clam chowder, bag of crispy seaweed - mmm - Wed missed usual health bar 2pm 1/2 price because of training - went to Specialties warm turkey sandwich 2 cinnamon rolls - counter facing street used to eat there regularly - kind of fun, variety spice of life.
 K.
+++++
 Wed May 24.17 nm
 But see this is what I wanted - maturity - of course I have not accepted my age, I don't accept that I look old - normal - fine - I still think I look let's say 40 - but no, I look like an old man. The nicer I dress and groom the better I look, but dress/groom doe snot make me look young, neither will exercise nor good diet - ; but they will make me feel good!
 If hard times make me feel physically ill etc, then good times make me feel physically good - ; psychological problems causing real (or seemingly real) pain. So the concept of, well, if I'm feeling poorly, might as well do it in a beautiful place - balancing difficult strained emotions with physical pleasure - only makes sense.
 So do things I enjoy: Live, music, helping my friends, visual beauty, companionship, contact.
 3/5ths bottle of sake skyping w/Sooz last night - let's skip that habit next week - too much - I don't stop - obviously not a good time to be indulging - remember this weekend I'll be in drinking situations and can easily justify over-doing it because of Gil etc etc. There's only one important criteria: what's good for me - drinking too much is not good for me. Drinking too much is hurting myself. If life has hurt me a bit, do not compound it by adding additional self-inflected pain. Couple beers, sure - but water and food is better! No hard alcohol.
 New Korean BBQ place on corner - had it last night - skimped on the pork, but still tasty!
+++++
 Tues May 23.17 nm
 Kinds snazzy/crazy yesterday - too well-rested/bored/restless from weekend? Excess energy - why I need to walk/bike/hike -
 Up early for Sooz Skype tonight, sleep ~11-6:15, shower woke me up, smoothie in yard, birds singing, nice to have it tidied - touch of perfect garden class - like in the magazines - like I saw other poor people had growing up, through 20s-30s - a yard to play, grow, work, be creative, stretch in -
 Shared Larry Clark online Tulsa & individual shots with several 'share people' - intense stuff -
 All good. My life, like my garden, at its best, just needs tending, foundation is good - flexible but steady - mainly washing what I own: dishes, laundry, yard - groceries; secure knowing if minor upheaval I have some savings and a few good friends, more of a network than I know. @63 I have good health/work benefits - eyes: I notice I can do without them walking around, but can see moderate close stuff like yard with them on. every day, remind myself I am doing well, happy, healthy, employed in a job I enjoy, where I am well-regarded/respected/liked. where I have enough juice after 19yrs to say no to being overworked. A credit card from bank earned by long-term employment and $$ in the bank - next week ask for upgrade from $4to-6K?
 Looking forward to Sat Reyes walk, then BBQ/music, Mon BBQ too - 4 day week.
 If I never was generous, never helped Karen, Eric etc I'd probably have closer to $11K - ~60 now - have I given away 20-30? Am I glad to have done it, rather then let it sit there unused? Will I regret it and be resentful someday? Could happen. Having 50 is nice, 60 better - I'll be okay. Look at Sooz's car. I can't rely on it - but my generosity to others is known, and if I get into trouble - God Forbid - people will know I have earned a moderate amount of support. That's a morbid rabbit hole I don't wanna go down - sussing out how far I can collapse before network of support I have 'earned' can't be relied on anymore, because ultimately no one can save me from dying - as I saw myself. Anyway, there's no knowing - and it's weak way to look at fellow human beings and friends - value I get from them is a happy fulfilled life now, not a hedge against future disaster. Any time I can wink out. All we do is say we love each other, support day-to-day today.
 2 drops of tincture in smoothie - hard to say, but I think I feel the mellowing - maybe try one drop - maybe I'm imagining things? If it take sedge off social anxiety - that is good? I'm still me.
 Bla bla - mixed up a big job, have to redo today - damn - mild anxiety of getting into trouble - mis-read email - 98 slides to convert - tedious, but it can be done. Sigh. I am not perfect -and this rarely to never happens. So, it's not okay, but it's okay. Not a big deal. Relax; take care of it. It's fixable, that means: It's not a problem.
 Big emotional explosion of seeing L for a while window threw me a bit. Still whirling.
+++++
 Mon May 22.17 nm
 Easy weekend - pulled back muscle Fri pm weeding - so took it easy - also feeling generally weird - first real chill weekend after early 2017 Gil illness--death-Sooz to OR-WV-K troubles-car-leaky roof-no 1-day LA trips etc - summer. sultry yard work to do - napped, lots of weeding, cleared out back yard edges - actually got lots done in yard, resting & bending, stretching etc seems to have helped? Back and even left arm feeling better this morning...
 ...still - still over-eating - cannabis last night, walk to liquor store for bags of cookies and chips and ate them all - yum! but... hmmm.. not a good long or medium-term strategy... for health, weight, self-esteem etc...
 DJ invited me in for dinner, pork potatoes veggies - yum - I tried a couple of drops of tincture to help with social anxiety - maybe helped? All psychological. Whatever.
 Anyway - 5 day week, then 4 day next week - Sun & Mon Nicasio BBQs - sons of Soul revivers & Wonderbread - do a Reyes walk beforehand... Cool.
 Dug into Vaughn Bode last night - fun - holds up pretty well even as adult - saw in Heavy Metal, Penthouse etc in 70s?
 Found out Pink Slip stays at home, plus copy at work - mallow in back is too big, but it back, or plant new one? Can advertise on neighborhood list for someone to take Camry rack off my hands as-is (missing part). Laundry. Groceries. Many things. Good weekend. Very good - despite not doing anything 'exciting' that makes me feel I am filling my time wisely - doing something - when really, doing "nothing/something' is also good - so long as there's some socializing - Buff/DJ - crowd at Himalayan fair - I see - irresolvable desire - to have people around, but be left alone - that's why Buff/DK works so well - someone around, but not living with me in my space. I instinctively/intuitively value it and take steps to keep it working, not only sustained/maintained, but thriving - yard, meals, a few drinks with Buff in backyard. Important. Okay.
 Showered Sun before dinner, can skip today.
 K - Life is Good.
+++++
 Sun May 21.17 nm
 Sleep ~11, cheese and bread but no 'dinner' - big carb-y Himalayan lunch & 1/2 bag of organic jelly beans filled me up?
 Not sure how I'm feeling about cannabis drops - part of me still at high alert for Gil/Stacey - shouldn't relax! - and perhaps skeptical of relaxing too much in general.
 Sat: drops & candy in morning, more at home after fair - makes everything a bit dreamy - walking around relaxed - is that wrong? Most adults use alcohol, pot, Valium, prescribed medicines, diet, religion, TV - something to get them through the day. Is a small amount of cannabis to relax me around my base state of social anxiety wrong? Doubtful. One must be careful -all things in moderation -
 - but walking around relaxed out to be okay.
 Let's note: it is not causing problems, I am not forgetting duties etc - I am experimenting, seeing what works or not.
 Currently, Fri pulled something in my back weeding, which is making certain movements (getting out of bed) painful - Gil's painkillers worked yesterday, I slept comfortably & well last night (11-9am) - 2 drops this morning - experimenting with small doses. Pain causes stress, wears me out. So this is an odd time, till back/left arm pain subsides, which I assume it will, unless it's cancer gonna kill me.
 Nah - I think I've heard/read about how when you're older even weeding/stretching/pulling can cause strained muscles.
 Cannabis does not seem to be helping with the pain.
 Planned to do Reyes today, but my body is saying take it easy physically - maybe Tilden?
 IM'd w/L. - body pains, rehab, take it easy today; walk, stretch, play with weights upcoming weeks, get back to basic feelgood physicality. Yes.
 Positive outlook.
+++++
 Sat May 20.17 II laundry
 Himalayan faire in Live Oak park - decent 2hr parking, set phone/alarm for 1:50 - had small chunk of hard CBD candy which I'd say did put a discreet cushion around things, less social anxiety - no prob - what to me seems like an unusual distance from people around me, probably/may be normal for most people. Got a $20 light/white cotton shirt & $15 green table mat for cottage book shelf - looks nice! Lamb/potato/spinach lunch - did trick nicely. Posted shot vid of music/stage to fb.
 Hellos to K&L.
 Stop at 1/2 price but no buy - at home another small chunk of hard CBD candy, made me relaxed, not quite lethargic - small amounts do trick -, internet, try to nap but back hurts too much/yawn a lot - back had been okay all day, tho legs were sore getting up/down to/off ground - weird - I'm still counting on this being grief-related body pain since it comes/goes/moves around - but - hmmm - at what point does one have it looked at? Fine while sitting on chair. Wait for it to heal itself.
 Decided while I'm hanging out, do some laundry - bag full - jelly beans - took 1/2 of one of Gil's heavy-duty painkillers @6 - see how I feel at 6:30.
 Resisting hypochondria.
+++++
 Sat May 20.17 nm
 Fri pm - after yard weeding, BB groceries, Buff chat w/Clam chowder, mallow chop discussion - (talking about Gil Sooz etc he said I was lonesome, I thought it over and said, not more than usual - he stepped back, just a thought, not observation based on data) -
 - pot, light show, bucket of choc pudding & 1/2 bag of organic jelly beans, sleep ~10:30 - sleep well, wake ~6:15, snooze till almost 9, good wank, let myself relax and sleep till ready, smoothie w/8 drops of cannabis tincture - not sure it's having any effect? - hard to say - so, not worth doing if there's no demonstrable positive.
 Gil's death:
 Self pity missing him
 Sad about missing him in the future
 Sad about his (and Stacey and my) suffering for years
 Lessons that I'm processing now
 Lessons that only last a while (ease of being present in face of death reality)
 Lessons that last a lifetime (not as easy to divert myself with frivolities)
 Thinking about obligations to Stacey - as widow, friend, promises to Gil (tho organic concern is more real now)
 Having a bosom friend, suffer a prolonged illness, die before your eyes surrounded by friends - mutual friends from peak Game Theory experiences Dan & Joe - I should embrace that experience as neither good nor bad, both blessed & sacred - don't imagine there's an end to the learning - don't imagine I can grasp and understand it -
 - but now I know what death looks like - most real experience of my life so far -
  That's all - I'm past the main distraction and off-balance sadness/trauma - visited home, visited WEF & L, confirmation, a feeling of settled balance - I know where things are and where I'm at. That's what I'm experiencing that feels good. A blessing. Simple good life.
 Fuck past & future - how am I right now? Good. Then this is as good as it gets.
 Side/back still tender from weeding - so easy today - Himalayan fest this afternoon - then Sun maybe Bear Valley stroll.
 10:17am - cool - lovely - I am so fortunate to have my health, good job, good living situation with friends(!!!), in liberal town of my choosing, same cottage/job for ~19yrs, low rent allows me to support friends and pursue live music (BBQ/Guerneville Jazz/Blues), enjoying good reading, & art gifts from friends -
 - a small voice says that's bragging - but it's really not - stuff it small voice - I need to remind myself to be grateful for so much goodness in my life. There were bad times - extreme stress over social anxiety, survivability, family, religion, Big Shot job, mean boss, pot plants, stealing from work, falling marriage, alcoholism, drugs, feeling lost and directionless - I think poor K with divorce/court/losing house - I will try to be there for her as she was there for me during my dark days.
 Just saying - remind myself enjoy these good days; compared to the past, this is heaven, if I'll accept it - tomorrow is a dream, past a memory - now this moment is good.
 Wind Creek on fb - hi!
+++++
 Fri May 19.17 cottage pm
 Long days are here - use them! Get out to Reyes!
 Stop after work - easy jobs, lots of free food today - for cinnamon roll on Market, reading M Train by Patti Smith; at home weed grass out of front yard, water - pulling grass upper back hurt WTF? finished using right arm, lots of Bermuda grass, tossed cucumber seeds here and there, talked w/Buff about chopping backyard mallow - 7:10 BB fruit/eggs/sandwich/soup/sushi/salad - easy shopping, easy driving/parking.
 Cool. I like it. Putting some cannabis tincture drops under tongue, see how that is - had some this morning, might have noticed some mellowing distance/cushioned effect at work. Take photos, adjust themes, IM w/K & L.
+++++
 Thurs May 18.17 nm
 Bit of trouble mid-night sleeping. could be bag of choc chip cookies and salty snacks? Dunno - but.. mmmm...
 Dissecting my past - not is a maudlin painful wallowing way - observation - all good
 Think I ran into Wind Creek under diff name on mid-west LRY including OPIK page yesterday - sent him an IM.
 Shitting well, planning 2-Steps slide show like last month's BSC tour
 Have not been able to make 88 your DVD copies yet - old technology - what's a DVD? Make full length 88 Philadelphia tape/upload to youtube?
 Yard needs more trimming, but lush and amazing - a bit shaggy and swollen is all - trimmed better.
 Work is okay - seems WEF weekend did me good - relaxed - that was last event around beginning of this year - uncertainty about how L visit would go and it went well - Gil's death, Stacey support, K visit, work tension over no more 1-day LA trips, Sooz's departure - which Skypes help a lot with, we still talk same every week - new car - there was lots of neglected stuff to deal with, and suss out Gil's impact: what self-pity/missing him & shared memories, what short-term death focus, what long-term wisdom - what organic collective impact - I just wanna have some grip, balance. Fair enough,
 Nice weather - body feels heavy, still some tenderness around joints at times - real noticeable body aches in reaction to mental stress. Best, I think is to walk more, move more, post-work walks over Nob Hill/Chinatown to build up body integrity. Keep eating good food, and oust snacking. Yuck.
 Nicasio BBQs start next week. :-) Something to look forward to.
 K - 8:51am.
+++++
 Mon May 15.17 Peet's Davis
 There's no way I  could piece it all together even if I wanted to - not sure it'd be worth it anyhow - it was vacation - Thurs pm, Sat pm, Sun early afternoon.
 Small cannabis doses, low-key, not much mental effect, mainly relaxing - cool - Sat pm sushi boat w/L&L was fun!!
 Some good bands - kept schedule to look up a couple - yes! Less 'freedom' to roam with friends to hang with - also less isolation, mind-tripping, feeling of loss, etc - esp good to see L and have quality time.
 Biked to south Davis/Snyder Fri, napped, music till 9, bump into L&L on campus on and off; Sat morning market, blueberries, carousel, Mark Tong - afternoon bands, portal cannabis, evening sushi boat, back to campus ~8:45, bands were eh but whatever; barely remember Sun am, check WEF ~11, bike rental shop, water, pretzel w/hummus snack - 
  - anyway, it was easy to be w/L&L. good company - we have Davis & figure modeling history - so assumed intimacy trust.
 Posted pics of WEF, Coffee House, Freeborn - for coffee house & stage location settled.
 This morning - slept really well - up ~8? Still on vacation, good to have post-WEF day - hotel breakfast w/buttery/syrupy waffle! Delta of Venus espresso, shower, smoothie, pack - missing one set of car keys - hopefully wound up in luggage somewhere. Vest pocket?!
 The living is so easy here - too easy - too meant-to-be-easy for comfort of white upper middle class college kids; I was fortunate to have 2-4 years here - I'd like to thank Laney art teacher who suggested Davis and wrote recommendation. Oh my god what a gift, opportunity etc - and I did take advantage: tumbling, weight training, horseback riding, karate, Craft Center, grants for photos, WEF photographer, concert crew, biking everywhere, figure photography, rock concerts, band photography of course - building on WEF experience, Design bldg studio, Craft Center paper/film etc. My whole life of friends builds from that effort - my efforts, my saying yes to opportunities - it is not a failure on my part that art does not pay well; and I own that I chose a path that does not pay well, tho one can be forgiven for dreaming.
 It's no sense in missing those days - I was a miserable lost young person -as were most of us - not all bad - but much happier/more sane now. I feel sad about those days gone, also there are bad/sad memories, because life is full of all things - feeling sad is okay - just don't wallow, don't mistake emotional upwelling for wanting to return. But I recall good times, in 1008 backyard, chickens, Chris, drinking beer, being high, laughing, girls, sunbathing - companionship. there were moments. There are always moments. Be glad for and celebrate moments.
 Mon morning, ~11am, bike to campus, up Putah, back down Putah, lovely, birds, sun, shadows, cool breeze, not hot yet - lovely - heavenly memories of weekend. Putah is beautiful, small, planned - but really - successful construct as it makes me want to live here. What a charming relaxing town.
 I'm sure this is good for me, stepping so completely away from work - and tho I've mixed feelings about the nostalgia wallow, it is an opportunity to distract mind from work, so if I don't get too deep it's refreshing, enlightening - a reminder of where I came from - what I owe back - how far I've come - institutions and values that helped make me, how they were applied put into me without my barely knowing. All in all a positive yes.
 4.5 days off - still have most all day today, and tomorrow morning. Cool. It worked.
 A little stiff from biking, walking, other activity - but have been eating pretty well - black bean burritos - after WEF drove to cemetery/Snyder etc - after dark biked around campus, then walked around downtown, cupcakes and delicious baked atrocities - yum! -
 Lots of IM'ing yest & this morning. mmm
 K - I think I have reached a point, organically, a result of time, probably also as result of attending with companions this year, that detachment is nearly complete - I expect nothing, I am not sad that I have no one here anymore - it's a transient town - everyone leaves - like a second home, where they boot you out fucking nest - sink or swim, fly or die - cold mama - and I come back and know somehow it worked. It help me. It was a huge positive. And desire to succeed in school was instilled in me by many sources, not least of which was home; I can resent that I was not considered college material, but that was an honest, logical assessment, and my resentment fueled persistence. By chance, by luck and fortune - I survived. Cool.
 Live is good.
 Scott snuffed himself, over a woman, drugs maybe involved - I sorta tried sideways snuff, over a woman, drugs involved - DUI - but failed - failure to snuff lead to course change - ; cancer got Gil - bad luck - did his lifestyle make it worse? No way to know - life kicked his ass - he kicked ass as a musician and good soul - I guess I'm glad I didn't go first -
 - losing Scott & Gil, walking past Delta last night, thought of Anton, flashed that Gil was my last deep musical connection to that whole scene - I'm no longer engaged at all - not really - not personally -
 or - not musically - any connections that remain are personal - people I know -
 Self-assessment. Cool. 12:45. Drive through town - loveing the Camry - tapes, AC - thank thank thank you Sooz.
+++++
 Sat May 13.17 Davis hotel Noon
 Okay - so: off Thur 2pm, home, chill, met @hotel, chill, talk lots, Sugata, back to hotel - 
 Fri didn't sleep well - but Nomad, lv for Davis ~noon? Rough traffic patches, but old 90s mix tapes from library & such full of great music, which helps with driving, along with AC!! Thank you Sooz.
 Walk around WEF, Tha Dirt Feeling cool, blackbean burrito, meet Lisa/Lori, Americana band on Cedar knocked us out w/song turned out to be one of their own, small hit in alcove, they lv, I bike around - sleep pretty well - wiped out from no Thurs pm sleep - hotel breakfast & smoothie, Farm Mkt w/L&L, run into Mark Tong, blueberries, bike powered marry-go-round, young people playing classical music - so perfect it's freaky -
 Figure now to bike around town, old neighborhood, explore music areas, easy-peasy - Peet's - stay hydrated -
 - woke up a bit restless, anxious - let it all go - relax and enjoy.
 Call Mom Sun/Mother's Day morning.
+++++
 Thu May 11.17 nm
 After wk WF for salad bar, smoothie stuff, cheese, sake, water, bento boxes, salad bar, coconut - sleep a bit early - 10pm - woke middle of night and chill/rest/sleep till ~7:20am - smoothie, Nomad - trying to separate normal mild anxiousness about L visit/time divide in Davis, recognize it as mine, not someone else's - normal - there is a 'we' - last 2 visits we discovered some parameters/depths, now after months we see maybe what's next - we have history, there is passion - but limits as in any relationship - now what?
 10-2 wk today, head to eat ~4 - Sugata? But first - we see how we feel.
 3.5 days in Davis, relaxing, biking, visiting campus, music, crafts - biking around campus/old neighborhoods high (maybe) at night - fun. For 2-3 days? Meh.
 work getting busy again, but mainly good feedback, fast theme creation, etc. Cool.
 Okay - let's get this 4-day vacation started. :-) Plus visiting with an old friend or two.
+++++
 Wed May 10.17 nm
 Tues in early, Skype w/Sooz pm, tell about Stacey dinner, read Karen's court case msg, yard/cottage Spring clean, WEF weekend & L visit.
 Sleep ~10pm, try to watch Same Time next Year, instead watch POV Wolfenstein 3D speed runs - woo! Up ~5 - snooze till 7:15, smoothie.
 Sooz was understanding about my getting drunk last week, I could not explain, just had strong desire to do it, maybe needed to do it with someone I trust, she understood that without explaining.
 Also talked about Xo's bday acct, she talked to lawyer friend who said it was safe, esp if I die - that if creditors were gonna come for me/it, they'd come for my savings acct - so Xo's $$ is safe.
 What about working from home some day?
 Settling into post-Gil world - When I said I was trying to get past it, Anne said don't get over it - I meant, as I told Stacey, not that I'll ever stop missing him, he played too large a part in my life - not only as intimate friend, also as 'band-mate', housemate, artistic & musical collaborator - multi-faceted - but I want to get over disappointment, gloom, pouting, guilt - why should I be happy when my friends are suffering? - , sadness, lack of happiness - being happy is important to one's health. I want to be happy, celebratory about life, sun, air, breath, body, love, intimacy, sex, shares - this living breathing life I have, successes, failures, challenges, whole ball of string. Grab handfuls.
 Laying in bed wondering about WEF weekend, one one hand exactly like last year looking forward to long4-day weekend of relaxation and nostalgia, now additional old friend: do those two events need to be at odds - I want lots of rest, sleep, self-indulgent, nostalgic time to myself - but hey, I just visited Davis 3 weeks ago, felt I was about done with it - I can do both - I can be tired from Thursday visit, enjoy next 4 days.
 Keep in mind my, peoples' need to alone time. Take it where I need it.
 Have both, fold them in together, I can do Davis any time - but this friend visit is rare, so be grateful, enjoy, be wise:  don't overdo it, there's a temptation to 'fill up my tank' till next time - only take what's there to have and feels right.
 It will be fine. Everything will be okay.
 Think of life, this visit, as a test - then we learn a lesson.
 However we feel, is right.
 I'm processing is all - pre visit processing and mildly anxious, but it'll be fine, and overall positive - I mean, anxiousness feels negative - but normal reaction to unknown, like pre-training anxiousness - but it always goes fine. So it's good.
 Life is good.
 Anything else? Nah. Looking forward to time of work - May - then ~6 weeks later, 2 June weeks on coast. Weekend musical BBQs.
 This is a good easy life - and still creative in small and large ways.
+++++
 Mon May 8.17 nm
 Charging bike light on computer... biking at night in Davis... those stand out as good times...  freedom... safety... dropping by peoples' houses, apts, casual hanging if there... sometimes it worked... then everyone moved away because college towns are like that...
 ...and now? So few people... if I die tomorrow, then I had 30+ good years with Gil, if I live another 20 years then 20yrs without him... see how random that is? Keep breathing, take good care of myself, lots of salads, less meat.
 I feel it ending: without Scott, without Gil, last Game Theory Omnivore releases coming this summer, Supercalifragile out soon - end of the tale - yeah, some warm memory feelings around Donnette, Gui, Shelley - but... for times, not for them now... Shelley & Donnette still friends... Gui reasonably gave up on us... it'd be nice to share memories/photos/videos w/Scott's daughters, but it means getting past K, and... based on what I hear from everyone associating with her, that's a high bar. Bummer. Nothing I can do? Ask around, but I think I already know answer.
 Anyway - soon that will not be there to take up my mental space - it is over, no one is excited, it was always a cult: 80s College Radio, Alternative, REM, Replacements - I saved my photos/tapes, they got their day in sun, me as archivist, now we're are down to few thousand who care a little, less than 100 likes for videos from 1988 etc  - couple hundred at Gil's memorial - I am engaged and invested, but - you know - fun is fun, then there's reality.
 Be here now.
 Enjoy Davis.
 Don't get lost.
 Frida w/gun probably over, too - made those summer 2012, 5 years ago. Over. Fun is fun. They grew from reconnect/emotional affair with Chrissie C - that was good, I learned the value of reconnect/pleasure/creative energy/bonding from enjoying old sexual energy with friends from youth; learned what a muse is.
 Be here now. Let go. However it is, is okay - things like sharing the old nude/intimate/sexual selfies, expressing my sexual obsession with Chrissie became something good - photos themselves were one thing, but more important was what they represented. Memory in ice, frozen, unexploited - those fond beginnings, sexual passionate obsessions can fade and become something else, deeper, more sincere and long-lasting. And when not, know when to quit, regret nothing; worse to regret not trying, not asking. But will I regret asking, sharing, exposing and being rejected - not in same deep long-lasting way, no. I may regret that it came to nothing, but will not regret asking.
 That's important.
 Quiet on facebook. Noisy shared grieving about Gil over with.
 Watch Same Time Next Year.
 Cleaned yard, cottage, Camry - Tilden, downtown.
 Now letting go and going back to my life, a good life, normal, I was enjoying before Gil's illness, Sooz's leaving, K's visit, leaky roof, visit home, no to 1-day LA training trips - etc. Now if I'm lucky some quiet calm times, if I'll have them. That includes WEF/L. Don't be a drama mama, don't be melodramatic - we will all enjoy it more if we just
 be.
 Here.
 Now.
 Pot's not doing much for me, nor alcohol - nor movies.. exercise and good eating, good living, staying upbeat and healthy might be the best way. Stop coffee?
 Work. COol.
+++++
 Sun May 7.17 II laundromat
 ~11am stop by BB for sandwich/sushi/jellybeans - Tilden, crowded! Park above, down past farm, Maypole, Morris Dancers - send pic/video to K - up hillside, past lake, main hill train closed for landslide - hump - cut across, down, up, sit and remember Chae - wonder how she is - remember how it ended - if she was/is alive/around she knows where I am. So be it. Hang at Vine Peet's, pee 2x, cappuccino, downtown 1/2 Priced Books - Elmore Leonard's Get Shorty -
 Eat bento sushi @home, decide on laundry first - house tidying can wait more, leave some for week - still, pulled down Monty Python and ~8 other videos to dump. Get rid of some books. Make it neat. Neat feels great - 2 big'ish dumps today - a bit tense and detached on Tilden trail, but maybe that's getting back to normal; I'm not used to it after months/year of worrying about/being present always for Gil/Stacey.
 Okay. Yes. Feeling better/more centered about WEF/L visit. It will be good no matter what. Relax and enjoy.
 I love the Cammie. :-)
 At home 9pm: - after laundry, BB for hot Mexican bowl (burrito w/out tortilla), strawberries, bananas - toss some books, give pile of vids to buff/DJ, rest in car, plus lots of tapes, a few books to leave/take book box up street, some in car (stuff like David Hamilton goes to Nicasio), re-shift books, fold Nan's quilt, but first take pics for quilter Brianna on fb, checked out leaning back seat forward - it works, but I think will need to put blue plastic sheet in back and put bike there - trunk too small - back seat is larger than Siouxie's. Pulled roof rack stuff out, put rack against side of house. Did dishes & scrubbed counter, organized etc. Decided to leave slide projector out, maybe shoot 2-Steps slides. Video cams still under book shelf, but tidied some.
 Can always use a bit more tidying, but I got a lot done today, and in yard yesterday, as well as Tilden/Peets, 1/2 price books, BB today. Cool.
 Now: sew buttons on green shirts. Ate a small but of CBD candy, very mild effect if any.
+++++
 Sun May 7.17 nm
 Sat after Nomad, 10am video conf to renew cannabis license - irritable all morning - Harborside looking for CBD squares, didn't have Mendo squares, got something by same company & 4-1 CBD tincture. Small dose of tincture on way home - even small dose I noticed a bit of mental wandering -
 - lots done yard-wise: new red datura lights, planted 4 Tiger Lilies, drove to Spiral Gardens for baby cucumber, catnip, strawberry: planted 5 strawberries in big ceramic multi-leveled pot, weeded from levels, sidewalk plot, blueberry area; put hanging green balls plant in colorful nautilus scooped out ceramic thing from Urban Ore, moved things around, replanted droppings - fun stuff - looks better -
 - today more cottage tidying, laundry - getting home life together will make me feel better, I have Spring-clean fever, messy cottage irritating.
 ~3:30 shower, nap 4-5, stop @Nomad for post-nap 2x-espresso & hard-boiled egg - that worked well insofar as providing pre-dinner mental alertness - Stacey ~6, hangout during Star Wars, talk, Sugata, easy & comfortable, talked about Gil & lots else- ice cream after. Good to see her. Enjoyed it. There we go. Dexter was being bad, needing attention, I asked if Gil had left viagra (no).
 Today: just, like Sat yard, do what needs to be done in cottage, dishes, clear out debris, also clear out Cammie, org roof rack and how to get rid of it, check how to lean back seats forward to fit bike in trunk - must have bike for WEF, and also bike light!
 Could do Tilden - late afternoon? But yard & cottage clean involves lots of lifting, stretching etc.
 Sleep ~10? Slept soundly, good dreams tho not remembered, woke easy ~7 feeling good, shiny pot on stove, pee, smoothie, Nomad.
 Feeling pretty mellow, disengaged from pothers, this is good, for now, for me, time to myself, to heal, settle, get centered, feel the air around me - taking care of business, establishing my life, my space, in a clean tidied space - call Mom, yes. That was an intense visit - 5 days was too much - now I know. Two years in a row I spent time on Larchwood/Stone Rd/South Hills Pool etc, Botkins next door, downtown - now also in 1203 - removing unattainable dream-quality - before, there was a sense, if I got in there, it would look just like it did in 1960, that I would se it through my childhood eyes - glowing revelations surely would arise - well, maybe , but not like I'd expected. Still processing, but the magic, yearning, sense of loss is good - I think it was ultimately a very good thing, for sure, yes, grateful, amazing. Did it.
 Request to join my private fb group from Mami, Matt Seligman friend; heard back from Tumblr art girl who did a version of three graces with penises/asked who was artist, at her request sent some of my Fridas.
 K - 9:30 - beautiful morning - tempted to do Tilden first, before cottage work - I am restless - and can do whatever I like.
 Very fortunate man - yes. I am processing hurt, disappointment etc about Gil dying - I'm pouting, I don't like it. I don't have to like it - I have to accept it, be happy, be grateful, move on - back to enjoying life, even as I miss him, feel sad he died. We all, Stacey, siblings, family, friends, musical partners - we all miss him, but most important is he knew that, knew we loved him, respected, admired him. In a few nationally connected music scenes he was a known talent. I don't know what more one could hope for, in the circumstances. But god damn it anyhow.
 Okay - Tilden.
 It helped me, probably her, too, to talk to Stacey about our feelings, how we're doing. Really, there's no one who knows about details and depth of Gil & my friendship like she does - maybe I know more about their relationship than most - we did live together in Taylor for ~8 years: 1989-1998? So there's a lot of history and foundation with Stacey & I. Huge. Honor it - that part of me, too.
+++++
 Sat May 6.17 nm
 Irritable Fri - what's up - shifting back to what I want, for me, my life  not to be doing things for others?
 Asked for half-day Thu when L in town, no prob they say - 10-2? Sure. I stress - not easy-going, self-conscious. But if I focus on what I want, if we both do, that's easiest - just - chill, relax - go w/flow.
 10am today appt to renew cannabis license - maybe hang w/Stacey today. Talked to BJ about Supercalifragile - curious to hear it.
 Frida friend Margo I shared 80s selfies with, shared PDF of Frida/lover/photographer - reading that - cool story, insights into Frida & her art. Finished Pratchett's Lords and Ladies. Now what? :-O
 Hanging at home this weekend - lots to do to get it cleaned up for myself. Yard needs more work, brought rolled up posters down from above, put in flats, make room, maybe put slides and projector above - clear out end of bed debris to make room for feet? No - only for me. Clean it for me, not for anyone else. Assume nothing. Let go of desire. Forget past. Every day is a new day. (this all about L)
 Fri pm pbj, sleep ~10, up ~6, 6:30 - wank, shower, smoothie - think I'm done here - home, start tidying - lv for pot place ~9:30 - my time, my life - selfish - might do me some good.
 Plant Mendo stuff, cucumber seeds, tiger lily bulbs, strawberries - after pot card go to Harborside for pain candy?
 Home, relax, have fun today, buy some catnip ;plants and plant them. :-)
+++++
 Thu May 4.17 nm
 So, yesterday was my mind on post drinking hypertension - settling back into - quiet - normalcy - alcohol consumption guilt - don't like people to see me that way - esp since in theory one of the foundational things about me is the lie I tell myself "I don't drink." - I do drink, not much, rarely to point of intoxication, almost never at bars (except for a couple of pints at the Plough) - see? I do drink, and by most standards I drink normally -
 I do drink. Moderately. Normally. Sake with sushi every time, yes.
 Accepting embracing acknowledging facts is best. Drank too much as a young man; early 40's had mid-life crisis, lost job, marriage, had a DUI, was in AA 2-3 years, that was very helpful, therapeutic, months at a time with no alcohol, learned a lot about myself and life etc. Now generally see drinking as expensive self-destructive vice - liquor stores on every corner - what does that tell you?
 Anyway - If I'm talking about drinking w/others, or myself - say to myself I drink in moderation, and to whomever else, just say, no thanks. Acknowledging that I drink, doesn't follow that I must drink. Maybe that's my gambit - saying 'I don't drink!' sets goal, ideal, my preference - don't like it very much, really don't like results/risk of hangover/making an ass of myself, which clownishness "watch me fall sideways in the mud" in me tends to do. So not bad to have that 'wall' - the thought that I don't drink - so when I do, there's a barrier, a wall of me saying I don't drink, because when I do drink to excess it gets bad - warning light "Too much is bad" may help me stop early, or decide it's no worth it. Like at musical events.
 Okay so - drinking is a man thing - we drink because we are men - men drink.
 Some men. Not all men. Not this man. Fuck it.
 Sharing quilt pics to a few work friends.
 After work Wed weeded clover/grass in my back bed and some front - a bit emotional about L visit - working her into WEF, same stress as last year, mental puzzle, but we are just visiting and happy to see each other, anything else grows from that. Be glad to see and spend time, expect nothing else, accept anything else. My mind is processing it on its own. Leave it be. Maybe do 1/2 day Thurs?
 Nap and let it be. It's love is all.
 No plans for the weekend.
 I think I'm withdrawing after Gil's illness, death, after effects, duties - and just want to settle back into my calm comfortable life - so time alone precious, don't want too much interaction - I'll be fine - L is diff. Relax, enjoy, trust myself. Worry is not my friend.
+++++
 Wed May 3.17 nm
 The thing, the thing is there was beautiful weather, beautiful days with the future ahead of me, potential, but I was a miserable frightened angry bitter person with no game plan, no foreseeable future success -
 - days are still beautiful but I'm happy, I love myself, I like myself, I like my body - I've gotten used to it - it has served me well - I need to take best care of myself - good healthy food, exercise, stretching - yoga or something. or something...? Shelley 'liking' my photos - Donnette & I commenting on my pics. Good. Good movement.
 Shelley & I - there's probably  no saving it - I think I don't like her, not she me - so - oh, well - we could have had some good communicative balance on post-divorce stuff - but, don't like how she handled photo albums/cemetery stones, there's no pressing need or desire to get over those, philosophize. I understand, argument to her, that being a bit less selfish about stones/photos would make better future relationship with me, was not a strong argument. But I think she thinks she can have both - her selfishness, photos/stones and good feelings from me to her. No. She's the one who defends Chris after he told our friends I beat her up. So - uh - no. Forgivable - but - it'd be nice to hear an apology.
 Believe I've told her all this clearly in plain English - so if that doesn't get through, then there's nowhere to go.
 Anyway, yes - Mendo trip seems to have marked a turning point, arrival of Spring mainly, again experiencing self-indulgent pleasure - sunshine, ocean, nature's visual beauty - river through redwood groves - flood debris piled up -
  - buying $1K quilt was right decision - reflected change in thinking - not sure what/how or even if  -but the process, posting the pic, asking, analyzing - sharing decision-making process - all good - and I do love it - slept under it again -
 Tues pm Skyped w/Sooz, long ~2.25 hrs - ~6 Cognacs - a bit intoxicated - after big pot hits - party!! Bobby Rush funk music - water, pbj - feel okay this morning tho a little guilty - because - alcohol - guilt is my thing, if I feel guilty then I feel okay, because, sin, admission, guilt price, shows I'm moral - I had a good time, so must balance with bad feeling. Serves no purpose in this case. Love myself. I'm fine.
 Really. I'm fine. I like myself. Treat myself well. Be healthy. Yes.
 Dumping some positivity on myself - I wanted to drink w/Sooz - it was a plan - maybe I should have told her? Lashing around. reaching out. Feeling my way through the new space, without Scott or Gil, and Sooz far away - Karen far away - getting into fringes of old age - wondering how it will be, traces of worry - aging mother - de-romanticizing childhood neighborhood - good weather - WEF soon - L there -
 - much dreaming of that this morning, all planned out, what to do Thurs night before - stressing about it - make a plan, yes, stick with it, yes - don't assume stress - tell her in advance, tell myself in advance - and do it, yes -
 - do what's right for me, including getting enough sleep, yes - has to be, doing right thing is right - I need my sleep.
 Do some yard work on work nights - start with my back patch - pulled up stringy front yard kale this morning - Buff mentioned it was looking ragged, I said feel free to pull it up. No response. No action. This is a thing I know about him/them - they mention stuff, assuming I'll do it, feels passive-aggressive, if I mention my observation, they stare off, get uncomfortable. If I learned anything from last trip to WV, is we're all flawed humans - even me! :-O - difficult, floundering, damaged, trying to survive, afraid, alone - and criticizing, judging etc - well, should be saved for when necessary - they do music, not yard work, that's obvious - place was trashed when I got here - if I mention that, awkward - denial, staring off - so, let it go - no long term trouble in that near as I can tell -
 Same with Buff wanting me to drink with him - he can't hear my observation, about a therapist trying to get an alcoholic to drink, because he likes drinking with me - no point in telling him, he can't hear - I can say no - so problem averted.
 Okay? Life is good. I'm happy. These are golden years. Deaths do not make life less sweet. Gil's makes it at least somewhat easier for me to accept my own - only because, I see, I know indeed it will happen. Also, chances are things will go somewhat as planned, I will probably make it to 70, I will probably retire and have to move - Mom & Buff etc will probably die before I do. Older folks, Marge & John, Sooz even. Probably, Statistically. And this only matters to some degree, because I can prepare for what I hear is the sad things about old age, that your friends die, and you can't make new old friends.
 Hot morning - summer came suddenly. Did budget and minus $1K quilt still looking good for $60K+ end of year.
 UK trip?
+++++
 Tue May 2.17 nm
 Oh so tired and weary Mon, but made it through - after wk drive to WF for berries, salad bar, $39 Hennessey cognac - sip cognac, eat salad - yum healthy -, move a bunch of files including Lo pics & copper scans (mediocre photos) into backup - much cleared out.
 What to do with slide projector? Beneath bed.. ?
 Laid new quilt onto bed, looks so nice - slept under it - it is a wonderful thing - good vibes - a reminder of art, artists, Mendo coast, Spring - yes - colors liven up whole room. Slept well ~10-6:30'ish - smoothie/shower/aloe/backyard birds - pull out bamboo stakes for orange flower cottage vine -
 - find home for roof rack!
 Losing two long-term friends, artistic collaborators - that's hard - I look out window here, at my quiet, simple life, feel their absence - across my room of friends there are people missing, who are not coming back - think of it as a bunch of flowers, beauty, fulfilledness - gifts - not only negative - wonderful times - playing in each others' minds - all things must pass - but all those things are and were beautiful. Celebrate.
 Anything can happen to anyone. It's good to be prepared.
 Tom IM'd, looking for car. Karen back in UK. Pratchett's Lord's & Ladies is good shit - one of his best. Ask Verizon again how to move music files into my phone - online suggestions complicated.
 New car - Sooz's - similar WV rental, got back to mine noticed little things, rental easier to touch auto-adjust outdoor mirrors - hey! I begin to think what to get next time - then in edges of brain start noticing other people's cars, wanting more - better - maybe, a new, or newer car! See how it works? Embrace Sooz's car - it is wonderful, a gift so attachment, remembrance, care and love.
 Up and out early to call Sooz tonight.
 WEF in 2 weeks. Interesting. More curious than anxious - only time will tell. But feelings strong.
 At my/our age nothing wrong with exchanging naked photos - why not? - but leave younger (30'ish) women out of it. There's no connected experiential balance there. Do right. Leave them alone. It's wrong. Young women should be with young men. You know it's true.
+++++
 Mon May 1.17 nm
 Sun thought over $1K  beautiful quilt - had decided 'no' with online help on fb - no sense in buying then store away - walked along College of Redwoods ocean bluffs sunny morning beautiful ocean blue clear - clearly felt I could use it, something changed - clarity of being by ocean, removed, letting go, I could have/use this, other considerations less important, not deal killers. Just like that. Ocean said go get that quilt fool.
 So I did.
 Is this recognition/celebration of Spring, coming in of new phase, end of last months looking after Gil & Stacey, Sooz leaving, new understanding w/Buff about leaky roof, new car from Sooz, turning 63 - realizing I may never retire if I have a choice, visiting family getting into 1203 seeing one can't go home, demystifying that old house, making it a part of now where it can be seen/understood. End of mystical house poetry, beginning of end. Good-bye.
 Left Mendo ~1:10 - to SR for meal, stopped at apple orchard for juice, orchard stroll - couple tiny hits of pot softened edges - not sure I like that - some anxiety in life is my mind checking to see if I'm doing well, doing it right, all I can - that is mild anxiety, barely worth the name - just me checking in, keeps me sharp, there is no heaven, nirvana where all anxiety flees. Some anxiety, fear of pain, fear of failure serves purpose.
 Sushi & comic book place w/Eric - watch youtube Indian dancing on train/giant robot vids - sleep ~9:30 w/new quilt on bed - it feels like a friend already. Aside form that I want it, will use/enjoy it - there is pleasure of recognizing artist's work, making them feel good, helping them financially.
 IM'd w/Vic & K as K leaving Vancouver TED getting food books etc.
 k - 2 days well-spent - river, trees, sunshine, fresh air, redwood forests, ocean views, wind, birds, mostly decent food, quilt, Eric, old tapes in car - found tape of 1st time Scott played LN songs to band - wow - so much history - it begins to feel burdensome, now that G&S both gone; what's the point? Before it was to share/enjoy with Gil - to flesh out his & I friendship - now - not so much.
 I miss him.
 
+++++
 Sun Apr 30.17 Bragg headlands cafe 8:44am
 Easy restful - I had nothing to do this weekend, so decided I'd prefer to do nothing on the coast than in Oakland - absolutely correct thinking, planning, strategy and adult functioning. There is no reward nor pat on back and recognition for this - it's what I'm supposed to do at my age, with my experience. And it feels good. Even slowly to 30yr-old in me who is still hopeful someone will come along to take me and take care of me - tho I know that does not work. I want to be independent and autonomous. A constant looking for balance. Work on that.
 Reality is I need to take care of myself - prefer that - until I can't.
 Sat: easy driving mostly, almost nothing on 128, nice - stop in Boonville for cappuccino, stop by Eel for a wile - being by morning River was nice - beautiful light green water, photos, pebbles tossed into water, ate 1st pbj - didn't give that much energy -  stop at first coast lot to chill/eat sushi - yum! - hand in Mendo, too windy to get out much, Mendo internet cafe, art show in big white bldg - gorgeous quilt! $1K - gah! p- and no use for it - but I have photo - even if it was $10, I have no use for it - I have Nan's which works fine and has sentimental/historical/love/sex value. Still - it twitches... so, no. But I'm still thinking about it. Sigh. One thousand bucks is a lot of sushi.
 Bragg ~3 - hang in hotel till ~5 back to Mendo, sti in car, lean seat back and nap, a lot of sexy thoughts about titless pretty art student at UC Davis ~1981 who came over to see WEF slide of her, which we never found, and I was going down to LA to see JA next day so had not wanked for a week, to save spunk and Os for her; we snuggled clothed, her hand up my chest, diverting around nipple, to find nest of chest hair - nothing more that I recall - when he full-body hugged goodbye in driveway she felt my obvious hard-on pressed by tight jeans against my belly, looked at me like a hesitation, like maybe she wanted to, or was wondering if she should stay and do something, I said something like just go - nothing can be done. And yesterday I tried to think of a working scenario to have finished that night differently - to reach into each others' pants, grab and hard/wet handfuls/fingerfuls - but any movement in that direction was going to end in me cumming, and I was saving it for JAA. And in end, yesterday, I concluded there was no other option, so I can move on now, 36 years later.
 Anyway - still too windy to get out much - binoculars a bit at birds on headlands - Mendo grocery for banana, hemp milk, sugarless plain yogurt cups, dark chocolate bar; back to Bragg for sunset at College of Redwoods - small hit of pot - that actually seemed to energize me and cheer me up. I need to remember that about pot and nature. Not that I was bummed, but weary.
 Soft sunset, calm ocean, still very nice, lovely rough bluffs, lovely shiny ocean - soft glow of sunset yes. Stopped to gas up, bag of pretzels, Odwalla, trail mix. Chill at hotel - another big hit - play with pics from day, weak wifi, much out, sleep ~9:45? Up ~7, snooze will 7:30, smoothie, clean blender parts in tub, shower, trim hair, good morning digestion - lousy wifi and came here for coffee and check fb etc. One Frida/art woman I shared 80s selfies with who had not responded much send a link to erotica - glad, because it means mine did not make her too uncomfortable.
 Vacati0n overnight - leave ~1:30 & sushi or pizza with Eric? Yes.
 IM'd pic of coast to LaBobby, she sent back pic of her & GF at dinner - hellos to K - chilling, relaxing, eating pretty good food.
 Started thinking about Jude's pics of Lynn at Davis pool - see if Jude is still up for that and make a date. Just do it, it's a pebble in my shoe.
 k - 9:30 - been here 45 mins - a bit more webbing then coast, and check in with Eric.
+++++
 Sat Apr 29.17 nm
 Sleepy yesterday, after Fri work laundry/groceries, including meals for coast overnight; eat beef chili w/Buff in backyard - we talked about attending some Cal baseball games, I said 'Yes!' - he asked if I wanted a beer - I said "No" - oh, Zen revelation, I can say no, I have power - If I don't want to drink a lot with Buff, don't. It's on me.
 Zing! Bong! Ommmmmm.....
 Book Bragg hotel. Sleep early - 9:30 - sleep pretty well, awake for a bit, dreaming @6:15am alarm - smoothie, shower, wash hair, pack clothes, toiletries, utensils, food, blender, boots, laptop, camera cords... Nomad cappuccino plus payment for yesterday's when I forgot wallet. Sweet little gift of cafe where they know me. Small sweet light.
 7:30am now - lv ~8 - supposed to be sunny on coast - all I wanna do is have some time to myself out in nature and relax - call Mom from coast hotel tomorrow. No need to bring up low blood sugar incident this first call, but some day - sure.
 K - coast - yes - sounds good, slept well, ate good food, did not get sugar/snacks/pudding etc, made list of what to bring on dry-erase, 2x-checked it this morning - all good - here I go...
+++++
 Fri Apr 28.17 Laundry
 I think I'm heading to mendo/bragg tomorrow - on principle - ocean - post-WV alone time - distance - clear head - fresh air - why not? Can't think of anything I want to do in town. Doing laundry now - Groceries after. Overnight bag, gas and leave.
 More slow work - good. Cancelled insurance on Siouxie, paid up Cammie for year. Sent Joan & Shirley thank you cards. Paid May rent. 56K total - ended month lower than target - only because May rent out of April, so I'm good - WV was more than expected, then $700 from Mom helped.
 Generous parents. Be as good as I can to her.
 Boss of bosses came down: I suggested video conf training, for LA admin, and in case of emergency. Also discussed LA doc note in dept mtg.
 To-do list down to almost nothing. Cool.
 As I come back into my simple life - returns feeling I should be doing something more - no - no more gfs in future more'n likely - I want to be alone - there will likely be other lives, houses, friends even - but no more old friends - no 'what if's' -
 This? This is it? After work laundry, groceries and random drive to coast - just because I want to - with food and clothing I choose? I do sorta want to visit Monte Rio again, with Salt point excursion - but so pricey! Check other places for weekend rates. Sitting in that back area on swing watching river is very nice.
 Purchased: Tickets for Jazz/Blues & ~8 for Rancho Nicasio BBQs, auto insurance, May rent - factored all that into budget, still in good shape. K needs help - I holding back for one because I am rebuilding my savings/reserves post-Stacey support, also because if court comes down with something that let's her keep house and she needs a lump sum from me, I need to keep savings tight for that. If she needed 10 now, I'd be at 46. Painful, but livable.
 You can't go home. I can't live in Sooz's house, nor in England. Living on someone's else's dime - like with Shelley -, in someone else's place won't work. Shelley has been 'liking' my pics - pink flowering stalk in front yard, WV - maybe these are good small slow steps. Maybe there's no solution - I tell myself I'm being too hard on Nan or Shelley, but lack of sufficient communication is a deal killer, and I've no reason to expect anything better from either, not any reason to think they care enough to make an effort. Oh, well. No one's fault. Just a mismatch.
 At least we are in touch, been in same room at Gil's memorial, maybe better than I realize - we will never be what I hoped for - or else marriage might have worked - we are just very different, want very different things from life.
 Posted 86 BSC GT slides with live in Hoboken audio to Scott page - tagged band members, Dean, Jimmy - quality sketchy, but for those who have seen them, band members, or been there, Jimmy - maybe some good memories - lots of Gil pics. Sad.
 So yeah, now I'm feeling a little lonely - after many months of regular sometimes intense contact with Sooz during move months, Gil/Stacey, then Stacey, GoFundMe, sympathizers, fellow friends of Gil, WV family - now back to normal alone life feels a little isolated - but that's the plan - seems to be what I want most. Now I can be alone and deal with what loss of Gil means for me. Good.
 And also - enjoy my life. Relax, and enjoy. Keep it simple. Yes. Stacey says Gil told me things he never told anyone else. Same here, from him to me, if I think about it. Gold. Invaluable. Irreplaceable. And even tho Stacey & I don't relate in same way Gil & I did - as man buddies -, she was there, I was comfortable sharing what I shared in front of her, she also shared personal stuff; we are probably closer than I realize. I'd like to see her.
 K. Check hotel availability in Bragg.
+++++
 Thu Apr 27.17 nm
 Dang, post-vacation, logs for days - big morning events - am I still cleaning out 10days worth of meals? It feels like it.
 fb vid chat w/.k last night, she couldn't see me - I was hungry/fading, think we talked for ~1hr, mostly her situation - in comparison WV doesn't have a lot of substance - she agreed I was more affected by Gil's death than I realized, now as I come out of it.
 Work remains slowish - still need to mail Joan and Shirley thank you notes - I have a mental wall against it.
 ASAP start post-work walks - just do it - adds half and hours - time it if it helps - figure distance on phone - gains me a seat on BART, sometimes there's something to see - concerts on Union Square - bring PBJs- bread/jam/butter to work? And daily hill walking preps me for summer hikes, plus general good feeling/health etc. Time it. Do it.
 Took down white board from loft - shoot pics of BSC GT slides, make movie.
 Look for Veil pics for that guy who asked.
 BJ (Hudack's friend) sent Supercalifragile gatefold, for approval, and/or just to show me. My & K's pics combined. Mine are better - (stomps around, waves arms).
 Long IM w/Tess Wed - careful, not that good a friend yet to just use for chat. Plus there's something else going on - as there always is - so you know, be cool, without being cold - and don't use it.
+++++
 Wed Apr 26.17 nm
 Well, this is nice - ground wet from night rain, bed ~10:30 - woke ~6, back to sleep till ~7:45 - I am in perpetual post-vacation clean out colon and catch up on sleep mode. But sat down here this morning and thought - this is nice - easy sleep in mornings, Nomad around corner - oh, right, yes, thanks, for all things large and small - a nice community wifi cafe around the corner, with people who know me on sight. Remember all the small things that make my life enjoyable.
 2017 started with a bang: Gil dies, leaking roof/who is responsible? tension w/housemates, reconnecting with Donnette/Shelley etc, GoFundMe for Stacey, Sooz moves to OR, gives me car, goodbye to Siouxie, UK troubles, Karen visit for Book Show, Gil's memorial, work tension about 1-day LA trips, 10 days in WV to see Mom for 1st time in 1.5yrs, visit 1203 & Bodkins house, talk to Shirley, understand now for sure what they mean when they say you can't go home. $ months of learning and no doubt more to come.
 Etc. probably.
 Feeling it settling back down now - enjoying these mornings at the Nomad.
 Tues Doc visit 8:30, good note not about health specifics, but mildly chastising work for over-tasking me so much I can't do my job effectively; sent to Jeff. Work slow'ish - paid Chas parking tickets- $5 each! Figured much more. Rancho Nicasio dates in desk calendar.
 Work being slow letting get things done - work list almost empty, just send thank you notes to Joan & Shirley.
 I think I will be a different person now. Life has changed - maybe I'm the same - but I have received some lessons to absorb, so far I think I'm doing well, accepting the lessons. 
 Tried brandy, but stopped, stopped cigarettes, Sooz's plants in yard -
 Skype with Sooz last night, seeing myself in little corner window - I see how old I look - not used to it - in my mind I look 35 - big forehead, almost bald in front - good I suppose to accept reality, not try to behave like a kid with e.g., work trainees or women.
 Getting so serious, focused for Gil & Stacey, was new experience - who knows how it looked from the outside - but I saw sides of myself new to me, and maybe makes me a little more serious about life/death/duty etc.
 I am glad I have moved on from anger about Catholic church - 18yrs of mass and feeling we would not be loved at home if we were not Catholic - fucked us up - but no sense crying over spilt milk. Life is good.
 Some day this week or next, it will be nice to come here and wrote and have nothing to say. :-)
+++++
 Tue Apr 25.17 nm
 Up a bit early - 6:30 - smoothie/shower - doc appt 8:30 to see about note to not fly to LA & back on one day. It's a formality. And it will take the heat off. Also ask about viagra and maybe dermatologist.
 1st day back at work kind of rough, emotionally disconnected from it all - but got better as day went on - moderate day.
 I think I learned a few things on this trip - you can't go home. Even tho family is glad to see you, they also have their own lives I am not at all a part of, and short visit are best. A visitor like me can be exhausting - no matter who - but I do have big personality/like a lot of attention, blood sugar/hunger can make me irritable emotional. So - this idea - of retiring, and going 'home' to WV and finding a welcoming home base and intact family unit there is not happening. No. Sis's have their own troubles, exhausting jobs, Mom also has her own life; there is no gaping hole waiting for me to fill in. So that's out. Anyway, truly, the poverty there is depressing, for those living there.
 Reconnecting to 1203 demystified it - no longer a dream - just a box of rooms - memories mine - all rooms in all homes are the same.
 Big shift in mental landscape from stress of staying w/Beth, visiting Charleston, Katherine Bodkins - new people - I can do it - it is a huge blessing to me that I could do that, pursued it, contacted owner (through Katherine), spent undisguised, honest quality time with him before going in - and fun conversations as we walked through, delicate bringing up photos/vids, and deeply sincere appreciation for his time and understanding.
 Just - not patting myself on back exactly - but - grateful I've reached that point, of experience, maturity, sympathy - love of Xoxo - thank you Karen - loving and losing Gil. Takes one down to oneself and maybe closer to understanding what's important. Eric, on his last birthday, saying one grows old, body fails and aches, sex drive fades, what do we live for? Without thinking I said "Friends." What else you got? But friends is good.
 Also, went home, got a lot of attention - workmates knew I was going for months and I was insistent about it after cancelling last Nov visit because Taf quit - so there was a bit of defiant drama attached - "I'm going no matter what you say! Damn it." And attention from family, and drama of visiting 1203, shooting and sharing pics/videos with Mom/Anne in person, Joan Mary Tom in fb group. Photos & history (Mass 6 days/week as youth) and plane landscape views attention on facebook. Vacation loose mind comfortable selfie shares w/Frida art friends, PA Bobby/Shelley B on fb.
 Now - over - back to work, regular schedule, two huge digestive moments Mon and this morning - woof! Post-vacation log. Slept well. Phone has become part of my life, talking to it to get weather report/set alarm becoming 2nd-nature. Slowly pulling back. In WV sex shares are also a way to deal with stress, but also, they felt like sincere shares of photos, to people who know and respect me from my pics, and with whom I've shared erotic art - so, it makes a sort of sense, that I can sincerely say 'As an artist/photographer, I have shot nudes of myself over the years - 'I have ~6 intimate nude selfies from ~1980 if you are interested.' Good phrasing. Came out organically. Did not say I will share if you want - just I have them if you are interested. Subtle diff - not sure I'm seeing that I think I am - but I feel it helped the way it was phrased; it was not me saying I want you to see these, but.. I have them if you are interested. All that is required is interest, not curiosity, not desire or interest in sexual exchange.
 And phase 2:  Do not ask them for selfies; do not send more just because I can - wait for feeling, sincere desire to share this side of myself, not only my body - but my view, my curiosity, about my body - wait until it is there again, and if not don't. And generally back off - after an intense share, good to sit back and wait - to signal there is no momentum, no steps, form this to this to this. Might be a one time thing. They say anytime - but wait till the time is right for me. Yes.
 Skype Sooz tonight. Pay WV parking tickets.
 Mom & I don't have to like each other. But I call once a week. And she mothers me when I visit.
 Shirley called when I was in town Fri - additional tension when I was hungry - but we did have a good talk, I wanted and was patient - told about my job - she does not know computers at all. Anyway, good to have that ice broken.
 A lot of broken ice on this trip: 1203, Bodkin house, Mom, Shirley.
 And I learned to be a better visitor - next trip shorter, and or, 2 nights w/Beth, and rest in hotel. And also the limits of family. When you have to go there, they have to take you in. Otherwise, keep it short, shortest good-byes are best. Maybe argument with Mom about my low-blood-sugar was saddest to me, because limit of even Parent-Child relationship was so clear.
 Yes. Learn. Truth is best.
 Life is good. What did I expect? Almost heaven West Virginia? Get real. Grow up.
+++++
 Mon Apr 24.17 nm
 Good lord..
 Maybe 5 days in WV is too much - esp when it laps into two weekends - they are tired from work and need free weekends - it means alot to me, and them, too, but 3 days prob more than enough -
 Fri I'd told Beth/Mom I'll be back Fri - meaning, in my mind, Thursday night - prob should have done that, B was surprised - dang - they're glad to see me, but not that glad, to give up weekends & days in a row - put myself in their shoes, it's a lot of energy to give out -
 Anyway - Beth tired so I took care of myself all day Fri, went to Mom's hungry, watched some Larchwood videos/pics, took snaps from photo album - esp 1 of Elsie Bodkin for 1201 - planned to get lunch, Mom tried to feed me, needed help w/a screw, needed to go to bank - so I said 1st bank, then I'll drop you off and go get lunch - starving - but had a plan - do bank ($700 to help with trip - thank you!), as we're leaving bank parking for Mom's she says head left into town for food - I back up and say "What is going on??!!" Not good to change plans without letting me know what's going on - so bad combination - my low blood sugar/emotional state after Chas, general being away form home, feeling unwelcome in Beth's - against Mom's habit of changing plans/not letting people know what's going on. Passive. Quiet. Withdrawn.
 Hit me wrong - took her home - went downtown, walked up & down Main St. till fancy place open @4, nice food/snacks/water - ask wait lady for ideas for PRT parking, then PRT across campus - fun! Back downtown walk around campus mainly around 3 bldgs where dad did his journalism degree - thankfully Student lounge open for digestive activity! Felt better after that.
 IM'd/called Beth's, no response, back to Beth's ~8pm, sit with Luna cat, then to bed.
 Sat A bit of late breakfast w/Beth - she says she's too sick to do lunch, says Mom called, didn't sleep, not up for lunch, and Anne said same. Cool. I'm used to it. I'm used to regimented days/hours schedule for meals etc - this is family - it's different. On one hand, it is irritating, and out family seems particularly bad at it - sticking to plan - on other, I am visiting their town and interrupting their lives, I am getting the most out of it, they are housing and feeding me - so I do the best I can. But it's tough for any family. Yes.
 So I pack, seriously contemplating heading to airport early - Anne calls to see if I want to do lunch at Italian place - original plan - sigh - sure, I want to do what we planned all week. Bath stays home, we have nice lunch, Anne goes to shop - Mom tried to tell me she sees signs of low blood sugar, similar to Anne's, I need to watch diet, always have food with me - so soon after Bank plan change I take it as criticism, say I know I have low blood sugar issues, have told her repeatedly over years, and that it would have been okay but for her last-minute change without consulting me. The food she offered me would have helped Dad, but I needed a real meal.
 It got heated, she interrupting me, trying to cut off conversation, we repeating ourselves - then Anne arrived - we watched videos, Mom went to make me sandwiches, avoidance, she said watch videos while I make sandwiches - No Mom. Stop. Mom. Mom Stop. Mom, please stop. Mom, Stop. Geez. Family.
 But we got them watched, had a real cool conversation, videos brought up lots of memories. And it was time to go. Anne and I had a good chance to talk about her job, WV drug epidemic etc. Mom had good info about years at Larchwood.
 So it was good. And we don't need to revisit the food thing. But learn: future visits, shorter, keep food handy - make note that I will not be in control of my food schedule, they have their own lives and I am a visitor and need to respect them and be a good guest.
 Lv for airport ~5? Easy drive, thank god for GPS! They had a room left, barely - $100 - good ground floor room, cold outside! Across street to nice hotel lounge again, Brandy Alexander & steak - I asked for regular steak/grilled potatoes/veggies but it looked/tasted like fillet mignon. Pack, bed ~10, wake up call & phone alarm set for 4:30 - sleep on and off, shower, squeeze books laptop into suitcase - lv ~5am, sort of easy drive with lots of changes and roadwork - without GPS would have been very stressful! Many lane changes for what looks like a simple drive.
 Leave car, no attendant, lv paperwork with note on car rental counter. Check bag for $25. Alternate check in line. Decent window seat with slightly set-back window, but could see ground through well enough & take pics.
 Eat Mom's pbj sandwich and kissed napkin. Thank you Mom - she was trying to Mother me, I was trying to be a good son - she doesn't always tell people what's going on. we have all been irritated by it. I get really cranky when hungry/low blood sugar. We all have our faults. But we love each other. My bag came out early, bus to Long-term, good ground floor spot, had to readjust to my car after 10 days in similar white rental - not in great mental shape, tried to be careful. Yard looks great - Buff welcomes back, I show him WV glass plate - crash for 2hrs. BB ~6:30 for groceries, berries/eggs salad, pudding - they close at 7! Got out - home, smoothie - no meal tho -
 So for all my sugar awareness talk, I had breakfast, light sushi lunch - no dinner, big pudding - getting high again was nice - woke up with mild sugar headache. I have no control over my sugar intake. And it makes me unhappy, hard to deal with, out of control emotionally at times.
 Robert. Do something. Get a grip. get help. I can't do it alone.
 Doc appt tomorrow morning for not to not do 1-day LA trips. Viagra? He might ask for physical before - and I might go for it.
 Yard needs work. Pulled out more selfies for Frida-friends etc - but wait till time is right and I'm feeling it, don't do it just because I can. Make it last, make it meaningful.
 K - 8:40 - back to work.
+++++
 Thu Apr 20.17 Chas wifi 4:17PM II
 After hotel, drive downtown to wifi cafe - ~noon?? south hills, Sunrise museum now an Attny's bldg - talk to front desk lady, then to atty - drought, SF, Yosemite, mudslides - fine to oark and also take pic of cool old stone fireplace - walk ~1/2 way down carriage trail - kept up now - beautiful - a bit muggy - IM w/L - eat - stop for water > no where to park for Rock Cliff - park 1/2 way out Larchwood across from Raines - shoot video of 1203 - passing down Stone Rd Katherine sees me from back window - calls me in - we chat, I say I'll come by later - at intersection see thunderstorm coming
 Make it back to car with minutes to spare - Paula Rains coming down stairs, friendly dog, I just have time to say all us 6 kids are alive and well when storm hits - wind, thunder lighting - sit in car ~20mins? Follow up with Tess about fam attitude towards our shares. All good.
 After storm, on way out Larchwood, Katherine there, invites me in - Bill he dad in bed, Annie on phone, cooking - we sit and talk for ~45mins> Real nice - catching up - on everything - Dad, Mom, us kids - Bill real nice - Anne says I didn't talk gaga baby talk, but started young talking in sentences. Remembers Mom, Shirley, Grandma Halloran. Real nice visit, esp on top of visit to 1203 yesterday.
 ~3 back downtown for coffee, sandwich - lv town ~5 so home with daylight ~8- emailed Beth/Anne - see about early 60s photo albums for Bodkins pics. Set up hotel for Sat pm. Lv mTown ~6 for 1.5hr daylight drive.
  All well - a bit off balance - not deep in nostalgia like last time, nor intense L emails/IMs, tho that feels v/comfortable right now - it's okay to leave - and the connection to 1203 & Bodkins is sweetness itself.
 Got good photos - uploaded a few to fb - Sunrise fireplace, monument where spires were shot, lady astronaut - cool casual visit.
 I think all 3 Frida lady artists I shred 80s selfies with have since liked fb posts/pics on private photo page - I knew it, but nice to have extra confirmation of comfort. Very cool.
 Slept well last night - okay. 4:30. Chill, lv town @5pm. Posted notes on today's Bodkins visit and video of 1203 to fam group.
+++++
 Thus Apr 20.17 10:13am Chas wifi
 Man - doesn't matter prob, but got last days all mixed up
 Mon pm in mTown, in bed, got call from 1203 owner that he'd be happy to let me visit - I can tell, I think, from his voice that he's a friendly laid-back guy.
 Tues drive down, intimate IM's w/L, visit neighborhood, south hills pool, SoChas, Japanese dinner, ceramic vase, SoCHas Indian mound, make plan to visit 1203 ~3pm Wed, share 80s selfies with several Frida-related artists/Shelley B - sleep very well - 
 Wed chill at wifi cafe, share 80s selfies with LaBobby/discuss her gf situation, cash, quarters, phone case from downtown Mall - IM from Pat 1203 ~2:30, head up early, nice visit, good guy, pics/videos - visit Kanawha State Forest after - 20min drive - love GPS - , to decompress with nature - beautiful!! - pool, streams, equestrian barn, snake in river, clustered butterflies - light rain - back to cafe to upload pics/videos till close at 8 - hotel -
 - beautiful outside, balmy, warm, restless - but decided to stay in and not wallow in the nostalgia this time - been there, done that -
 Ordered tickets for good Rancho Nicasio BBQs, paid up cc balance - taking care of business -
 This morning - woke ~7:30? Internet, shower, wash hair, flossing, decent digestive action, yogurt fruit eggs, wank w/Lvid yay, pack went well, made two pbjs, multi-idiot checks, could see church from my hotel window - worked myself into mini stature of anger about church and thought if it's making me angry then let go, muggy but comfortable - now? Drive around.. Rock Cliff for sure... Sunset museum?
 It's fun to walk around, I have illusion of owning it somehow, but I don't; falseness of the illusion can make me unbalanced - it's people, not place - I see that in 1203 pics - it was us living there, family defining place, not place defining us - I have my memories but no claim to space - if there's value in memories, cool, even nostalgic enjoyment - but there's a price to pay in pain of knowing it's all gone, except for what's in my head.
 Embrace memories if I want, if it's positive - but don't cling and think I own, or mistake them for anything else, or get too blue by wanting more than is there. Falseness is what's sad. Get a grip. Be real. Be here now. No re-dos - but maybe value in learning. Learn. Admit that I have always much to learn.
 Wow. Okay. Now what? Chill Fri in mtown, laundry and PRT train? Saturday maybe a meal with Mom, Beth & Anne and watch 1203 videos.
 Get hotel near airport and leave Sat pm? Yes. Probably.
+++++
 Wed Apr 19.17 Chas hotel pm
 Really, I haven't blogged since Mon - gah - - too much -
 Tues pm Shared 1980 selfies with art friends made through Frida pics - that was fun, they liked them, said nice things, which I didn't expect, so much natural positivism - also w/Bobby who commented on size, in a fun comfortable way - also sent 80s selfies to Shelley B who then offered to send pics of old pics w/a lover, did not describe - sex, nude beach, art? -, while I slept she tried but failed - who knows some day maybe? Would like to see them. So geez - I was a little wild, 3 Frida friends, Booby & Shelley B. But they seemed happy & enjoyed - I am not an ass about it. Nice conversations about them with all to some degree, observations, funny, not gross creepy. Cool. I dig it.
 Left for Chas ~10:30? Tues - a few rest stops, no coffee agh! Had lots of L thoughts about touching her and dropped that bomb on her, but good we had a chance to start dialogue - seems we are on same page -
 First day in Chas visited Larchwood, stone Rd, Jewish cemetery and ball park, south hills pool etc - but mainly drove by, didn't stop and walk around - maybe I have got that out of my system last trip 1.5 yrs ago. Good. Arrange with 1203 owner Pat for a visit ~3pm Wed. Hang at book store/coffee/wifi place downtown - chill - South Chas - hilltop place I used to sit and realized how little those people meant/mean to me - how much family does in comparison - downtown SoChas for Salmon Teriyaki, 2 large sakes - a bit intoxicated! - strong emotions - walked it off, up & down main street, into ceramic shop bought vase not for sale, owner called her she said sure - $25, I like it! Then to top of SoChas mound - some intense stuff up there - end of youth, arrogance (then and now?), remembering who I was at 18, so lost, bad family, LRY - what if I had stayed in Pgh with something like a network, and jobs - instead of halfway through senior year down to new HS in WV poor state with no jobs? Will never know. So fuck it. But worth noting, it had a big part on what came next - Ted White > Berkeley ... anyway, on way home stopped at SoChas Krogers for nut butter/bread/jam/fruit/yogurt etc -
 Quiet a full day actually - when you add 80s selfie photo shares at end of day - I was in a good space for it - just wanted to do it, so I did, and was present.
 This morning, slow get up, eggs/yogurt cup with fruit, 2 eggs, good cum w/L video - walk by Sacred Heart schools and into church - changes, took pics and videos - cool - stained glass - memories - posted pic of altar said: Catholic mass 6x/wk for 1st 12yrs of my life - there's a tidbit.
 Then wifi cafe for hours, soup, coffee - ~2:30 Pat texted - OMG texting and GPS, how did I do without? Not well. I did well, rested, focused, well fed to be present for Pat - we hit it off - nice guy! Showed me the house, lots of easy chat between us p I think he enjoyed hearing about old days house, Bodkins, also seeing how much a favor he was doing for me and my family - as I did seeing it - and being focused on being present, listening to him talk about the changes he made - kept me from too deep wallowing in nostalgia - in a way I think was was good! kept one foot in the present - yes!
 Upstairs after seeing everything, I broached photo/video subject - he said whatever I wanted! Cool - only shot about 10 pics and 3 long videos  -didn't want to keep him waiting so moved fast as possible - no over-indulgence -
 Said our goodbyes - god what a lovely day - only 4pm plenty of light left, down Hickory up that super steep road which does take you past Jewish cemetery/ball park - out to pool again, around those roads - then on way back to Kanawha State Forest - no idea how far but again GPS saved my ass - 20min drive(?) - easy -
 - Beautiful day!! Sunny warm - park was fantastic, stopped several places, barn, pool, paths, streams to take pics, videos - gold and/or black butterflies clustered on ground fucking? No direct memories, and I felt like they are all the same stream, rocks, forests, trails - if you're fortunate enough to have access to them - some LRY type camp memories - stopped to eat pbj - on way back drove down Stone rd, no place to park - weather so lovely & intoxicating and nostalgia so deep I wanted to stay and wallow, but walked away - nostalgia is somehow exhausting - I want to be here now., and can visit Rock Cliff tomorrow - also Bodkins.
 - back to downtown wifi shop - trouble getting online at first?!?! I thought - God is testing me - I had been trying to let it go, not desire anything, not desire to get 1203 videos to family - and felt better - couple reboots and it fixed itself, uploaded, Mary & Tom enjoyed - text from Bath about laundry -
 Food & drink at wifi shop, closed at 8 - still tempted to go out, but stayed in - wanting to avoids trying to get something I don't need, that is in me not out there, and avoid double sipping like yet another visit to state Capital -
 Tomorrow, maybe Bodkins, Rock Cliff, road up to old Governor's mansion.
 Okay - it was something like that - glow on this town for me is really something and enjoyable - so - stay grounded but enjoy it - getting away from South Hills today so I could decompress after 1203 event was right move.
 Slept super well Tues night and having good digestive luck - and actually thing I'm losing weight! For one, I am drinking less water, and two eating less in general and almost no snacks - Work peanuts,  chips etc - keep that in mind!
 Cool - this is amazing. I am grateful. Feeling good mentally. far out.
+++++
 Mon Apr 17.17 bed 9:30pm Beth's
 Beth took day off, fruit/yogurt/eggs, lv for Mom's ~10am - drive to Casselman MD Inn for lunch - Mennonites - meh - fun, cool old photos - I left Panama hat at tapas place previous night, go across street thrift shop for cheap hat - then we all 3 go over to shop - fun - drive down road to old stone bridge, stop for photos, back up road to very cool antique shop - friendly lady who'd live in CA, got another $40 Panama that fits my head, an art glass reflective disc with small lens in middle (! very cool), - went to pay, lady says already got glass - huh!? oh, Beth, thanks :-). Beth got some stuff - outstanding shop!
 Stop for gas/drinks, then rest stop with WV tourist brochures - lovely sunny day - perfect - stop at Mom's. she shoos us off :-). Downtown, Beth's cool ground floor windows office, Steven Allen books - back to fancy restaurant top of nice hotel, Brandy Alexander, big filet mignon, nice view of south town/river etc - on walk back to campus library for her car, stop to take pics with Don Knott's statue, local police walking by offered to take pic :-)  then drive down river to see huge clear cuts with hundreds of XL pipes-in-waiting.
 Chill at home ~8pm, play with energetic/nervous Luna kitty in front - in bad ~8:45, msg on phone, owner of 1203 returned call, apologized for delay, said thought I was telemarketer, said this is a good time, no one living there and he doing work inside, said to give a call, we'll work out a time - wow. I'm a little nervous, it's so personal, I think he'll understand that, it's okay if I'm a little emotional. But be cool, don't overdo, be melodramatic - be good company, just be myself. Wow.
 Beth loaned cooler - bring fruit/yogurt - gonna try to get up @8, pack, breakfast, shower lv ~9:30 so Chas before noon. Call Pat/1203 and see if Wed works. You know - Katherine next door made this happen - about it being empty and getting me # - learn compassion from this. Sounds like she's had a rough time.
 I got over the weirdness of yesterday's sudden change of plan for dinner - I think it reminded me of times in past, living at home or after, when it seemed secrets were being kept, plans were kept mysterious, I felt like things were being kept from me, or from all of us - and that was a very uncomfortable feeling - gaslighting - they would behave weirdly, non-communicative, withdrawn emotionally, and if I said anything I was treated like he odd fucked up one. That did happen. I am not fucked up. But we all need to make the effort to get along.
 So wow yeah nice day Beth is great Mom is weird but great, Morganton is blowing up and pretty cool - and 1203. No biggy - by time I get down there, work out timing I'll have calmed down, what feels like exciting dream miracle trip into past dream childhood world will just be a cool thing for family to enjoy. Wow. Breath into it. Be grateful for this moment. Let go of desire and clinging - do this for the family.
++++++
 Sun Apr 16.17 Beth's pm
 WVU baseball game turned out really cool and good, rained but no thunderstorm - to Mom's ~6th inning, watched dramatic end with Mom on Beth's phone - WVU won just barely - Anne & Mom bailed, Beth gave extra 2 tickets to young couple in line, they were nice and added to fun.
 Talk for couple hours? Then I say hungry - dinner - get ready to go - visit bathroom - Indian restaurant downtown - come out, garb coat - oops they forgot we're eating with Mom here - WTF?! - made me feel crazy and sad - WTF? I forgot how dysfunctional, forgetful, indecisive etc my family is -I felt out of control, like my life was controlled my craziness. Well, I was hungry, away from home, jetlagged - talked myself into being forgiving, prayed to Karen for help - be loving forgiving and cool. Mom starts withdrawing into her baby talk - "Kroger crackers!" - I want to tell her to stop talking like a baby. She's 92 - I suppose I get to feel frustrated with her, and also love her, be present and supportive. Fuck.
 Felt better after I ate - but still - get me the fuck away from this - drove downtown w/Beth to cool nice tapas place, one drink, cheese plate, lamb, salad, lots of water. We talk a lot about training/teaching, about how weird but cool and strong/smart in many ways Mom is. Raining pretty hard when we leave - but got home okay. Loud violent thunder & lightning storm. Sleep ~10:30 - up and out to 1hr drive for lunch Mon.
 Fun day tho.
 And I reminded myself - I'm on the most mentally healthy person out there either. So don't think I'm above digging in and doing family.
+++++
 Sun Apr 16.17 Beth's mtown
 Sat am up at 8am, shower, breakfast by airport hotel, 1,5 hr easy drive to mtown - used GPS effectively to get to Beth's. Hang talk, settle in, gifts to her & Sutton - Filthy Cock soap, abalone shards, ground coffee beans, tea - out for groceries, eggs, yogurt, fruits - Beth decids to skip dinner, I go to Mom's, we talk every week so not much to talk about except her vertigo & Gil's death - I think I was hyper etc - Anne arrives, we go out to nice hippie dinner, salmon greens smoothie, drive by river, downtown/campus, bldg's where Dad went to Journalism school, baseball field for today's game if it doesn't rain - drive around town, after goodbye to Mom, pick up books - new testament translation I'd bought for Dad & Dante's Inferno illustrated form my childhood - naked people! - hang downtown, photo of Don Knotts statue to fb - cool to see it! - have to pee, look for private spot but risk of being caught too great - pool parlor for a beer, IM w/K, pee 2x, then home - lovely evening -
 Bed, stay up till 10 - slept decently on and off till ~7:45 - sweaty! - may have gotten my 7, feel good - work on staying calm, relaxed, not talking so much - be present - be here now -
 Pat Thomas posted photo of Gil's disco pic I sent him, mentioned it was something asked me to do - I like the appreciation, tho it was mainly about Gil wanting his friends taken care of. All good. If people think a little better of me for carrying out his wishes, no harm done.
 Today, shower - nice shower! - yogurt/fruit/hard boiled eggs - right on - looks like rain and thunderstorm, so baseball is questionable. Anne indecisive - of course, - Mom tentative worried about railings - of course. Let it be. Do not judge lest I be judged. Easier not to. Go with the flow. I don't live here - it's there lives and I've no business pushing in. Be a perfect guest. It's family. Perfection not required.
+++++
 Fri Apr 14.17 hotel nr Pgh airport
 After work Thu, BB for berries/Mideast dinner salad, sandwich for flight - pack - bed ~10.
 Alarm this morning ~3am, cold, wear raincoat, leaves more room in suitcase - rolled clothes tight, everything fit well - I'm better at not taking unnecessary stuff. Decided on drive to port to book bag, so no bother during Detroit layover - napped on chair, then in plane  - window seats on both flights; no one sitting next to me for 4hrs to Detroit - nice! - pretty good sleep with inflatable pillow/eye-covers. On flight, bought bad processed ham 'breakfast' sandwich.
 No wait at baggage claim, no prob with rental car - big white thing similar to Sooz's - in fact, is it a cammie!? I asked for a simple car and they got me a good one.
 Cool getting here all sunny and lovely weather - managed to get turned around on toll roads looking for hotel -gah! - used GPS - all is well - love GPS! Hotel room is good - shit, 3x bigger than cottage - fucking bathroom is almost as big! - went looking for food, all bad cheap one step above fast food sort of - checked big hotel restaurant/bar - nice! expensive, but fun - fillet mignon, two brandy Alexanders, salad, and cake - goddam. Great service!
 Self indulgent - loving myself - treating myself the way I treat people I love -wanting the /me to have what they/I want.
 Thought about Gil's death being a life-changing experience, and it'll take a while to see how it all settles; that losing both Scott & Gil is tough.
 I feel detached tho - not - I think - Gil's dying - is such a hard cold fact - there's no road or room to the past, it is what it is, we are where we are, what we are. Or maybe I'm just tired, a bit jet-lagged and out of my element.
 After dinner - I had looked at phone map of my location, seen river, so drove ~8miles(?) down to it, through a bit of old town there - lovely river valley at dusk - that was fun... but... maybe lacking, - losing Gil means losing an attachment to my youth - youthful memories - ah, well. I'm sure it will be fine.
 But friends are important, and losing a good one is a big deal.
 Long day - 3am smoothie, drive to SFO 3:30am, long-term parking, sleep in plane, switch in Detroit, pick up car in Pgh, hotel, dinner, 1st brandy Alexanders, drive to river, stop at Walgreen's on way home for razors, used GPS and also used phone throughout day to facebook and see I can post photos - like of Pgh dinosaur skeleton - to fb. Read a bit of book about Another Green World. Have not had a digestive event yet -
 Long day. Sleep well. I love sleep. Life is good.
+++++
 Thu Apr 13.17 nm
 Dang - slept badly Mon & Tue pm, Wed mentally foggy, detached from self, not feeling good - what if I'm coming down with something, or am like this all week!? After work Wed, talked to Buff about cottage roof, both agreed since sealing skylight has been 100% effective, not to replace roof - which would cost several thousand dollars. Then straight to chicken udon downtown - that mediocre place - couple sushis, miso, large hot sake, water  - be good to myself, be my own geisha, see & know that I have power and desire to do things I like. That helped - brain calmed down a bit - home into bed ~9, sleep ~10 - sleep pretty good, keeping my mind off sleep or sleeplessness, except to remind myself how much I enjoy sleep, what fun it is! Slept well, till ~6? Snooze till 7:30 - smoothie - Nomad.
 Sent note to work about steps to take: email, phone, locked drawers, coffee and tea for Bath & Sutton.
 Tonight: Pack clothes, electrical wires chargers in plastic bag, toiletries in plastic bag. No extras- no book - maybe Leonard? Raingear.
 Guess I'm driving - but should I try to Uber then BART home? It'd be nice not to have to get to car & drive home through SF Sun afternoon traffic - but it can be done - and maybe easier than exhausted BART trip? Whatever - it is doable.
 Giving Tessa (Nan's daughter) info about 80s valley, drugs, gigs, Davis80s for story, hooking her up with J Drawhorn, posted timeline for D80s page got good response.
 Hard rain - visiting home, going to place where I am welcome simply for who I am, this should be the most easy welcome possible trip - the past my arise, and that's to be expected - but it's cool. Home is where the heart is. Beth welcomes me in. My mother & I will visit. All is well. These are golden days. Gil is dead - I am surrounded by love and support. I am a basically good, generous human being, able to give and receive love, to take advantage of opportunities, not be overwhelmed or bitter about challenges. We all get a pass on family tension - family is tough. We do the best we can and love from from a distance. When Gil was sick/died, I was there for he and his widow; I get no gold star for that, but I did my duty - personally that counts for a lot. Sooz's generosity with car gift - my helping Eric & Karen financially and otherwise - this is family and network. This it it. This is my life. It is good.
 I don't look forward to getting up at 2am,  being treated like a criminal at airport, 5hr cramped flight - but I've done it a dozen times before, and survived comfortably, so I know it'll be fine.
 These are good days. I will see my mother and siblings in 2 days, and visit the town I grew up in mid week.
 Got a great job review, and made amends, like a real adult, with boss. Cool.
+++++
 Wed Apr 12.17 nm
 Drizzly rainy hard dense drizzle, very nice on the face - Tom's birthday! Tho don't see it on fb.
 Finished brandy - no desire for more - vice? Photoshop? Photography?
 Did not sleep well, wtf - maybe slept 10-2 or 3? Then restless - I recognize brain/thought pattern, have not found way past it - when I try bath, meditation etc, and it doesn't work at first, frustration sets off tension, no sleep - stayed in bed till ~7:45 - smoothie - chill -
 WV will be a nice vacation with several multi-hour visits with sisters and Mom - being there 5 days means a couple or few hours a day will suffice, instead of cramming in so many in a couple days - plus, a nice vacation for me! Home means past - but keep one foot in present - be good.
 This is Easter weekend, so Mom may be busy with church stuff - make note!
 Annual job performance review Tues - I'd been anxious, no one likes to be judged - had got into a pretty good space - turned out to be all positive; I apologized for coming at him abruptly earlier in week about interruptions. Good to do that, get it worked out - he thanks me for apology and we're good.
 Did Siouxie handover paperwork online.
 Figure out how I'm getting to airport Fri am - drive I assume - ; go online to see if I can get window seat ha ha - likely too late.
 I think all I need to bring to WV is laptop, camera chargers, wires etc - clothes, coffee/tea for Anne/poet housemate. Have enough experience packing now to get this done right. Pbj sandwich? Sleep gear for flight.
 This would be a good day to stay home, pack, tidy cottage, think about what to bring for travel day - but - oh, well - ; be sure to eat in WV!!!
 2 says travelling, 5 days with fam in mTown - amuse myself - 3 days in Charleston - call owner of 1203 today! Make notes, I am tired, make effort to sound clear, calm, sane - no trouble - count of kindness and friendliness of WV folk.
 K dealing with court prep - not doing well emotionally - sigh.
+++++
 Tue Apr 11.17 nm
 A bit anxious/defensive about annual review - nobody likes it - but it's just J doing his job - help him do it - we had a dust-up about his interrupting me with an irritated tone - here is a chance to have a positive engagement, make it so today is the best time he has all day. yes.
 News story about guy getting roughed-up and dragged off overbooked United flight increases my tension and no-fun flying.
 Charity guys came by Mon shortly before noon, took Siouxie - I had a quick moment with he/took photo in morning. Sad to say goodbye - end of an era(?), E&K's wedding gift they gave me when departing for U.K.
 All good - healthy, rough sleep last night but enough - started new Elmore Leonard - Maximum Bob - , and ordered Jazz/Blues tickets, but all back rows unavailable, and all aisles snapped up in first hour - WTF? No biggy, but looks like some group/is buying up desirable seats to sell later at a profit. Still, 3rd row, 2 in from aisle - that's fine.
 Mail in form that says Siouxie not mine anymore.
 All is well. Breath. 8:02am - going in 20mins late. Bam.
+++++
 Mon Apr 10.17 nm
 Slept decent - groggy - anxious about WV trip but not unbearably so, just normal family visit anxiety - be myself - it's best for everyone - don't complain - do take care of myself - eat protein - take time to myself - explore the town - they will appreciate that - do research at work this week - museum on campus? Arts Center?
 Sun: Nomad morning, 9:30, figure I can like on work mornings, like today, get home, shower, pack and leave by 10, get to Guerneville/Armstrong Woods by noon - did that, stopped at Gville coffee shop for breakfast burrito/espresso - yum! - Armstrong completely jammed and cars parked 1/4 mile down road - fuck it - not peaceful isolation in woods - backup plan: Monte Rio, Bohemian Highway through Occidental to Bodega, stopped at Birds Schoolhouse, photos of bottomless house on corner, checked distances on phone GPS - from Bodega, same distance to GVille either Bohemian or coast Hwy 1.
 Up coast stop at overlook for pbj, further north to climb rock formation surrounded by flowering ice plants - nice - a but chilly - restless, but good to walk mini ice plant trail, enjoy ocean view and sound, breeze, smells, etc. Got to Eric's ~3:20, drive around while appetitive builds, downtown sushi, sake, appetizers, rolls, etc - good - home ~8pm, real easy drive home, light traffic whole way plus daylight. Cassettes - really enjoying old work etc tapes many of which have songs I don't recognize till lyrics start - good stuff, good music - GBV GBV!
 Papers/keys in Siouxie's glovebox - a couple of goodbye photos - that's it - work - training this afternoon - photos - but focus on WV trip - all I need to do is pack, get to airport, hotel for first night - get Beth's address in phone - contact 1203 owner - sure, why not?
 Looked up CBD painkiller cubes - says the local place carries them - huh.
 Sun did my own thing down to minute - yes - that helped to have free time just for me - I'm fortunate to have that much free time, and freedom to sleep - good job, cottage, friends etc - everyday say yes, thank you - be good today.
+++++
 Sun Apr 9.17 Guerneville coffee shop
 Quick one - need a day to myself doing my thing relaxing by myself oh yes doing what I want to do for myself to enjoy - that would be
 - shower/grab tapes/pbj, driving to Gville for breakfast and walk in woods north of town, then lv ~2:30 - 20min to 101 - 10mins to Eric's for sushi ~3-3:30 -
 Lovely morning, still a bit detached, which is why I want this morning/early afternoon just for me - to reattach -
 Nice bringing old work tapes, have not heard some of these for..? 5-6+ years? Good stuff - just need some time in woods, forest therapy -
 Perfect day-after-rain day... $1K fed tax check arrived - stop at dispensary on way out of town se if they have any non-THC CBD goods? Remembered Eric's CBDs, ready to move Siouxie to North side/put keys/ papers in glovebox - cool -
 It's good to see I'm at 63 organized and don't make sloppy mistakes from noit paying attention -
 Life is good - rejecting straight society was correct - my liberal/tolerant intelligent artistic outlook has been validated -
 Love myself regardless - have a piss - head to the woods - in WV be myself - there's no other way - the past is dead - we are here for each other now - deal with that - be here now. How can I help?
+++++
 Sat Apr 8.17 II laundry 3:18pm
 Let's see...
 Set at home, artist fb friend sent me a drawing of a cupid kissing a clit - sent that to a few people who mainly liked it, tho Vic & K had somewhat negative reaction - I saw it as cupid=love etc - it was sent by a women, and I was mainly sharing because of its weirdness, also I like to share body/pussy/cunnilingus-positive images with women, to be supportive of feminine sexuality - also I'm just a flaming pervert - anyway, it's done - I have been telling myself to back off on that, sharing erotica - even if it's okay - back off for my own sake - keep it interesting - but I keep doing it - so maybe I need to do something else -
 Called Mom, she has vertigo, told her about the 1203 Larchwood situation, that getting inside is possible because it's empty and Katherine from Bodkins next door gave me owner's # - cool if it happens! Long hot shower - :-) flossing again, backup deodorant/toothpaste from WF Fri night
 Talk to Buff about clock, noir, sci-fi movies, DJ's jazz gig tomorrow - drive to Elmwood for new comfy pants, up College down Bancroft to Mechanics for $160 quarters, dispensary - called Eric from parking to set Sun lunch time/see if he wants edibles -  got indica bud for me & CBD edibles for Eric, stop at home to grab hummus sandwich - I was feeling a bit mentally low/disconnected, figured it was hunger (no dinner last night, plus brandy / THC pot / pudding) - laundromat now - sandwich helped! Be sure to eat regularly in WV!!!
 
20more dryer minutes - then yard - plant blood orange tree - since I can't be at DJ's gig, at least I can honor her with tree.
 Bring camera to WV so I can Skype on IE ?
 Xoxo/E/Jess in CA this July, I can visit her. I think I'm fine with that.
 Cool - get everything done today - what about a slow drive up 1 to Sonoma beaches, Eric's at 3pm? Or not. Hang in Gville?
 So - add it up this way - I have lots going on, even if it's mainly errands - and I'm getting it all done - so, cool, right? Right.
 Life is good.
+++++
 Sat Apr 8.17 nm
 Relax - enjoy visit home - flight will be fine, and just - relax and enjoy. Joan's Bodkin Larchwood friend got me name/# of 1203 owner; apparently it's unoccupied right now -  so, call him and maybe be able to visit. That could be really something - 50yrs later.
 Fri night after brandy/blog, drive to WF for Mideast salad, sandwich, pudding, bananas, berries, hemp milk - high at home, pudding, youtube etc. Sleep ~11-6:45, slept well, wank, smoothie, faintly drizzly - hard rain at Nomad, last night, too - downpour pounding on roof almost drowned out music - iPhone jack screwed up/sometimes cuts out, but really nice having music again. Tull, work mix, Bobby Rush blues.
 Morning groggy - always some sadness in life, but so much going right, focus on positive, health, job, friends, art, hobbies and habits - photos and photoshop, video etc really fun - in most ways I feel 'failure' it was youthful fantasy/dreams I was sold to be famous movie star film director Hollywood dreams super heroes fame fortune - so I purchase their products - it was all fantasy - here is reality - I love my goddaughter, I have a goddaughter, a friend who holds me so dear that she lets me love her daughter. Be happy. Amazing people love and respect me. So be cool. It's not where you are it's where you're at. Karen/Sooz would not be giving me a car if she/Karen etc did not see coolness, integrity, honesty in me. Sooz has seen me a lot, and in some ways may know me better than Karen does, or Gil did?
 Let me not rely too heavily on friendship/love from others - being my own friend, loving myself is it. It's good sometimes when one is down - to count blessings - but truly appreciating all that is good in my life should be a no-brainer. It's right there. Be happy. It's okay to be happy and grateful for my life. Breath into happiness and goodness in my life.
 Anyway, there will be some socializing in WV, being an introvert that can be stressful - breath, be myself, they love me - a 2-night vacation on the town I grew up in is very cool, and the drive through WV is beautiful - April will be lovely! Seeing Mom will be great. Seeing Anne & Beth will be great. And I have peeps in my old neighborhood. So how cool is my life?
 K - bla bla - deep breath - do some things - laundry, pot, call Mom, Siouxie stuff in glovebox/move her to south side, plant blood orange tree if rain let's up. Easy weekend before WV trip is cool - let my mind rest
+++++
 Fri Apr 7.17 home 6pm
 My little life is great - love it - in rocking chair looking our front cottage door pane and kitchen window at pre-rain April green yard - Abbey Road playing now I got charger cord from work IT, thank you - nice having music yes -
 Finished Elmore Leonard's Road Dogs - damn that's some fun intense shit -
 At work got past tension about tone of voice from new dept mgr, and refusal to do 1-day LA trips - I had brainstorm to train CSS/Admin types by WebEx - be good practice, and if it works might wedge door open to try it for larger consultant groups - or e.g., let's say R or J miss their flight, or they're delayed - we could swing a video conference. It's win-win-win I think - time to do diligence collect names start rumors, get ball rolling. We should be ahead of the ball, not playing catch up/
 It's way of future, so we should get there early, or preferably first.
 Slept well - Gil's pot got me high - watched live GT Hoboken/Philly - man that's good shit - Mideast salad bar snack -
 So now - 2.5 days - staring to rain - maybe take it easy today, it was a bouncy week emotionally at work - sip a bit of brandy, yes - learn to drink normally -
 Weekend Plans: Groceries, laundry, start packing for WV(?), enough pot to last a month or two until I get new card late April, put Siouxie stuff together including keys/registration in glovebox/move to south side 'cause Mon is also street sweep day. Yard work -> weed front, plant cucumbers/tomatoes/blood orange tree. Maybe sushi with Eric - be good to see him before WV and also now I'm getting back to myself, with one small difference.
 IM w/K, about Xo's Summer visit w/E, about birthday video making her sad because Sooz moved away & she doesn't see us - but at least out-of-sync singing was cute/not creepy - maybe visit later this year? I can afford it and it's time. Fuck discomfort. Need to see Xoxo & Karen.
 Thu called Doc Fitzer, appt in a few weeks, I'm still official, see about note for flying, viagra, sore arm if it's still bugging me.
 Getting it all done - list at work shrinking - got thank you cards for Joan (for Stacey $$) and Shirley (for holiday meat/cheeses).
 CA tax return arrived - $366 - deposited - rent paid, $4K credit card paid up - WV flight & car paid for - $56 available, ~50 after predictable. waiting for $1K from feds. Missed last years state taxes, doubtful they'd pursue small fry like myself - for what?
 Check in on Stacey?
 So:
 Life, cottage
 Reading, work tension resolved/video conf for training
 Xo's birthday video w/Sooz/Skype
 Gil's pot, GT live videos
 Rain, chill, weekend plans groceries/yard/pot/Eric
 Doc for flying note/etc
 Tax return, payday today, Siouxie Monday, rent paid
 Thank you cards for Joan, Shirley
 Yeah - took a few weeks to get things started, completed etc - but I like this feeling of things done, and when I go to WV  should have clear head - was wondering if 3 days in Chas might be too much - but fuck it - actually I was really digging it last year and wanted a week there - so cool, dreamy vacation - not going to contact folks in 1203 - odds so slim, and I'd feel uncomfortable, too - but maybe... who knows? Send them a note and say email if it works - maybe they're really nice people and -- who knows? Do it. Send letter on Monday - they get it late week - I'm there a week later, they'll have time to email if it's cool.
+++++
 Thu Apr 6.17 nm
 Work stuff:  Boss man says no training overnights to LA - I say that doesn't change my position that was settled last year; I will see about getting a doctor's note. J interrupted me mid answer, me, still fuming about Tues interruption and previous ones, jumped in about it - he denied everything then spent minutes saying I do it, too - not promising - he basically said my complaints had no validity and anyway I do it, too. But since he was blindsided, I'll excuse his defensiveness - in end we both said we'd watch it, shook hands, done. He didn't seem to get I was complaining most about his tone, but he insisted we stick to "no Interruption" law and, in truth, since I do interrupt people, maybe that's a good thing!
 It'll be fine.
 Call Doc Fitzer about note - can we do it online? Video conf? Rather than come in?
 Home - Sooz emailed - trying to get Skype to work Tues night very frustrating - doesn't work with Firefox - worked with IE in my regular laptop. Attachable camera worked good - it was cool being able to see each other while we spoke, and she held Cheeto so I could see him and stroke screen. we made Happy Birthday video for Xoxo -12 - couldn't hear each other in sync, so singing slow/weird - hope we don't seem genuinely crazy - we did try! Sooz in Oregon, me in Oakland, we still sang her Happy Birthday, with candles and decorations.
 Ordered tickets for Rancho Nicasio shows - Elvin Bishop is Sunday I planned to leave for Oregon - dang - went for it anyway - decided 3 days to get to Oceanside is enough, I have ~5-6 days to get home, so can explore then - starting off trip with a good Blues Rock show sounds perfect, but if I get restless can skip show and let them give ticket to some lucky soul.
 What's next - doc's note for LA trips, this weekend start packing/laundry for WV, arrange for Siouxie pickup Monday. Also work pics and training coming up. Did facepages yesterday and sent off. I rock.
 8:40. All is well. Work tensions after 18years is normal; we'll survive - I could have handled it better, but it was a difficult situation, and now it's dealt with; LA trips - they are not going to terminate/penalize me because of this one thing. I offered to do WebEx's, have done many LA trips over last 15years. What would they do? Nothing I can think of. We don't get raises anyway. Taf tried pressure and bullying; that failed big time. Asking me to do a task that makes me feel ill and exhausted is nuts. No. Way. I can get backup if necessary.
 Anyway - okay? Feel better? Okay - back to work.
+++++
 Wed Apr 5.17 nm
 Trained 2 CSS peeps, took pics, waiting for facepage proof, writing email for Manager pics, fix complex theme - all in a day.
 Feeling better tho - back into my life, no longer on-point, on edge for Gil.
 After work, drive to BB for berries, bananas, pudding, clam chowder - chowder at home, call Sooz - talk for ~1.5hrs+? Try to get Skype set up for Xoxo 12th Happy Birthday song - frustration - gah!! - , couldn't get it to work, but think it's working now -
 J at work interrupts me again with irritated tone, in front of new hire and maybe clients - may need to talk to him, or send him an email. Don't know what his problem is, but approach it in as positive, problem solving a way as possible - not in a confrontational drawing-line-in-sand way. I am allowed to watch after my self, have boundaries respected, expect to be treated with respect and professionalism at work. If I say nothing, I may be signaling that it's okay. So, nicely as possible, let him know it is not okay to take that tone of voice with me in front of other people. I expect to be treated the way he treats Iain and our clients. That's fair.
 Anyway - it's bugging me, so say something.
 Stressing about flying, but not terrible - go ahead and be stressed - let it out - Aghhh!! Then do it.
 Tues pm - brandy while talking to Sooz, then pot, then remembered the pudding ~10(?), and ate that down - yum. And had a cinnamon roll after work. So - trying not to eat sugar is not working, Try instead to add healthy food that I enjoy.
 No train to Truckee this weekend - laundry, start packing early, hotel near airport - where to get dinner and also have healthy breakfast nearby? Truckee after I return perhaps.
 Wipes this morning - sugar, brandy, long Sooz talk, pot & pudding - uh gee, wonder why I'm fuzzy - but it was fun! Need to update pot license, but have enough Gil pot to last a month or two.
 Looking forward to seeing Mom, Sis's - relaxing - this week, paycheck and maybe tax return? Get those numbers up.
 And? All good - spring is arriving - ordered red lights for backyard and 2 33.3 music books, Fear of Music and Another Green World.
 63 man - not old, but not young for sure - John Henry coming up on 90 - will I be invited? Up to them.
+++++
 Tue Apr 4.17 nm
 Xoxo bday Thurs, call Sooz tonight see if we can do sing-along Happy Bday video?
 A bit wiped Mon from Sun/Davis visit, but got facepages done, cleaning everything up work-wise so when I go to WV in 10 days, for 10 days, all will be tidy. No sense pretending I'm going to do work from WV - don't see it happening. But... ? Yes, it will be a pain for dept, but once I set shit up and leave it's none of my business - my business is to live my life, be respected, and see my family, esp my 2yr-old Mother. If they've set up a dept system so that when one person leaves it all falls apart, that is their error. That's a bad way to run a dept; and it's not my job to fix it.
 Home for 2 small sips of brandy - that 'vice' will likely disappear in a few weeks, too, like smoking and over-eating.
 Cheese and bread snack, Godzilla YouTube videos.
 Bit of flirty IM'ing w/Harrisburg Buzznet LB - I have always found her innate hotness appealing, wanted a nude or bikini pic, she's a little crazy, in middle of difficult relationship situation (gf moved out), wants escapist friend - recent online boy didn't work out (about which she has been sharing details), so I feel some rebound energy coming at me - she sent me pic from work, told me what she does, asked what I do, asked me to join What'sApp presumably so we can chat communicate more easily; but I'm probably not the guy - it's one thing with women friends from college years, where there is a reservoir of sexual-energy-links-memories to draw from (and that's messy enough!) - but a new person with no reality-based history would take something else, that I'm not feeling - keep it real - a friendship is worth way more. I want to see her naked, ask for moist exposed erotic pics - but something else is happening here - she is sharing personal/sexual/romantic info/events with me, in context that has taken years to develop/reach this point - I said yesterday, she can ask me for anything, she said I can ask her for anything (we can say no) - but that doesn't mean we should go crazy.
 Smart.
 So  -write to 1203 people today - send email address - , email whatshername next door - unlikely to work out for me to go inside, but if I don't ask I'll never know. And call church in Charleston - again, probably no way, but if I don't ask... ? At least ask.
 Annotated Lolita on way to work Mon, posted quote about Dick's hands.
 Settling back into quiet low-key life, some of the sadness I'm experiencing could be just reconnecting to general life sadness. That's fine.
 Young at Davis, bursting with sexual and other energy, anger, bitterness, creative explosion etc about unfairness, feeling different, uninvited , unwanted. Life as we find it. Crazy wild to visit once a year - rose-colored glasses, live music, Art dept, biking around Davis at night. I drove on Sunday - and no, to do Davis you have to bike. See about leaning back seats forward.
 $15 alarm clock from Wal-Mart - works. Up at 6:15, wank, shower, smoothies, Nomad at 7a.m.
+++++
 Mon Apr 3.17 nm
 Feeling better today, after Sat 'depression' - which could be fatigue etc on top of tons of sugar consumed Fri afternoon/evening - yep - recognizable food-based mental imbalance.
 No sugar days a few times /week?
 New alarm clock - clock from Urban Ore big glowing green number light up room - plus that north wall socket is maybe fucking up? Ore clock reset to default - so it's turning on and off - didn't notice rest of cottage power doing that?
 Davis: Started up 101 on auto-pilot, phone GPS told me 5miles north to 137, added 30mins to trip but lovely morning and still got to Davis ~10:45? Downtown Peet's > south Davis, big park between X-Men house & 1008 Snyder > cemetery > bunnies, turkeys, lovely sunny morning, warm sun with gentle cool breeze - perfect Davis weather goddamit - IM pic to K & Lo from cemetery; head to M&J Noon.
 Easy visit - they look good - I'd tell Gil, but... we have leftovers for lunch, hot tea, talk till 5:30? mark came in for a while - no politics - he knows there's tension over election, no excuse for letting Trump win. Cover family, big trouble with Terry & John, cops, beatings, screaming, blood, craziness, living in truck - yikes!
 Cats, friendly dog, new cool cat cage by side of house. I showed them about talking to phone for GPS and texting. Fun.
 Talked about Gil's death, of course. How he was my last connection with certain networks of folks, that talking about them was part of our friendship, and without that maybe they all wither, because I don't care - it made sense for he & I to talk about Shelley/Chris/farm since it was shared memories - but no more. Marge asked if I wanted to visit farm - I said sure, but depends on if Shelley wanting it. Not sure I see the point. To satisfy curiosity about where cemetery stones are? See?
 meh.
 After M&J, downtown for $20 sushi boat buffet, one large sake, espresso at Peet's before leaving. I felt quite disconnected - not wallowing in past memories like on most visits - it has been, after all, since 1978 when I first got here - almost 40 fucking years ago - arrived at ~24yrs old. Memories there - but - esp with Gil's death, being 'old' - 63 - sexual memories and youthful idiot playfulness feel unreal, useless - I am glad to have had good fortune to have that experience - most all my life has grown from it - Eric, Shelley, Game Theory, Scott, Donnette, music scene, Photo Robert, nude photos, Jane, first love, hot sex, WEF photographer, etc - but I am now who I am - all past bundles up into one here I am now.
 I had got grant to shoot portraits in Design bldg, been making extra $$ working stage crew on campus rock shows, working in Craft Center in exchange for paper/film/darkroom access - so it all connected: Approach rockers at shows with offer to shoot at studio and make prints at Craft Center. I worked it - made system work for me - things come together invisibly; focused, I am more intuitively competent than I know. See?
 Work it.
 Could be paranoia, but I assume AM has spread exaggerated bad tales about my mid-life crisis, crushes, naked photos, Lisa Ch - it was essentially innocent, but appearances were sketchy and hard to explain, drama mama that she is, she will make it look like a huge scandal, tho it breaks her heart to tell everyone, she is a martyr for the truth haha so will spread smears with tears of regret in her eyes. Haha. Yeah, whatever.
 So now, to be cynical, a lot of people now know I was Gil's best friend, that I was there for him before & during till the end and for Stacey after; that I raised 21K for Stacey and did it well. There's nothing in it for me, I'll never brag on myself for it - but there it is - whatever people may have thought in past, whatever tales have been told - recent events balance out a lot of that.
 On top of 'Photo Robert' Game Theory re-release photos, and to lesser degree live tapes being included on bonus discs.
 None of it means a thing really - tho it's nice - good ways to fill the times, grateful for rock-photo fantasies and desires fulfilled, attention for my work sure yes dig it. None of it buys me a cup of coffee, but strip away ego stroking, it is an amazing event and very cool. Yes, thank you, be my best today.
 I step away form this moment having lost a dear good long-term friend, with him go so many memory shares, so much fun - I come out of it me with more experience, and having done right. That is all the real satisfaction.
 At cemetery noted what a cool location that was: not lost in some neighborhood, but 2 blocks from groceries, across street from cool cemetery where at times I walked everyday - cool crazy housemates, chicken, pot plants, yes. At end I have big front room with own shower for super cheap - on GA/food stamps - and - I left - moved to Berkeley to make or break, lived in my car on and off for 1.5years. Yikes.
 South Berkeley - target home - made it - low-rent in-law in cool neighborhood - I fit well thank you yes. Scott, Karen, Gil, Stacey, Eric.
 Lucky for 1008 Snyder cheap rent location in Davis, lucky for Oakland in-law cheap rent now - in between struggle, live in car, live with wife in her house. Housing has sporadically been a problem. I hate to commit to the system. I want outlier living systems. Communes etc.
 Lucky in Davis, extremely lucky now.
 Having things taken care of feels good - WV tickets, Siouxie donation, visiting Marge & John good - checking in on network with Gil gone?
 Oh, and sinking in - with Gil and Sooz gone - really only Buff & DJ to keep me in Bay Area - I think, I want to stay to be near friends - well - Eric in SR, Marge/John/Mark in Davis, Sooz in OR - easier to leave now, less to keep me here. Coast. Ocean. Rain.
+++++
 Sun Apr 2.17 nm
 Feeling oddly bad - noticed Sat - low energy, mental fog - just down - called Mom but mind unfocused - took a .5% pot pill which made me sluggish, knocked me out - did some yard work in front - heated up memorial pork, enjoyed with coleslaw & greens, gave rest to Buff/DJ.
 Stacey IM'd said go ahead take down GFM page - I told he a bout pork to DJ/Buff, and later took it down with a thank you note. $21K - not bad.
 Morning drove down to Garden place on Sac, used GPS - worked well - got cucumbers, tomatoes, fertilizer & new blood orange tree - shoveled bed in front of window, pulled out catnip cage, no catnip survived - chopped a few stalks off huge purple flowering thing in front - so many stalks, taking out ~5 made no diff - beautiful!
 Called Marge/John about a visit today - she called back later, left msg -
 Then crashed for a couple hours? Felt better - Stilton & bread throughout day - called Marge to confirm visit today - ~6-7 heated up clam chowder for dinner.
 But feeling down - keep walking through, keep moving - many things - Gil's death now have to really deal with living with it - Marge & John, guilt (?) about not visiting, and sadness about them aging - and me me me - they are in their 90s -
 I have this idea of retirement lasting a few years, but it could be a decades or decades - then I get scared - normal -
 Sleep ~11? Up ~6:00 - fuck it - back under covers till ~7:30 - smoothie, shower, leave for Nomad ~8, lv for Davis ~9 - M&J's ~12-1pm.
 Pulling back into self and my own life, for months I was always about Gil, always had feelers out, anticipating, ready to jump when the time came - Stacey was his full-time caretaker - still, do not diminish impact on me - we all have ourselves to look after -
 Bit of photoshop CWD, some French writer/radio Paris match guy posted Frida gun/friended and thanked me. Many likes of memorial photos I posted.
 Dishes, general organization, pulled storage box apart looking for Marge/John's #; turned out to be on my phone - 
 Dad & I didn't like each other, but we managed to be in same room and I was kind to him; for Tim & I there seems to be no there there. I could try to not take his dislike of the world personally?
 So - Sun  - Nomad, garden store, dug in front yard, pork lunch and rest to Buff/DJ, a few swallows of brandy - I noted a bit of craving for it, leaning on it, during day, alone - what was that? Careful. I seemed to want it when talking to Mom/when contemplating visiting Marge 7 John. Stress reducer. Try deep breathing instead.
 Okay. Do it. I can do this. 9"07 - head out soon. I'm good. Everything is cool. Gil's death keeps hitting from unexpected angles, but my infrastructure is good - I'm not here for K as much as I'd like, but that's life, and it's logical that I'd need to focus on Gil, Stacey, myself etc.
 Tape in the Cammie is cool - notes in Siouxie saying she'll be gone in a week.
+++++
 Sat Apr 1.17nm
 Already 3mos into 2017 -
 Miscalculation in Excel annual budget - $4K less than I thought - looks right, thought it looked too high after S's 6K - still, after removing predictable expenses, rent, travel $$ WV, credit card payment, just shy of 50 - ~3.5K still to come this month - which ought to put me back ~52? Actual ~54 - so I'm good. In comfort zone.
 Mildly anxious about travel - flying is such a drag, so unforgiving  - miss flight because of mechanical breakdown? - tough shit - trip home - they will all be aiming to help me feel comfortable - not mindlessly pressure to be something other than what I am - it's now, not 1972 - what could go wrong? Relax, enjoy, have fun. New day dawning. As if I just met them.
 Fri 'birthday cake' at work, tons of icing, last night 1/2 jelly bean remaining bag, 2-3 Stacey/memorial chocolate chip cookies - enough sugar maybe?
 Sleep ~11, awake ~6:00 - considered Russian River - nah - needed rest -
 Today: Mkt, hippie garden store for veggies, blood orange tree, organic fertilizer - call Marge/John about tomorrow - if they're not free, maybe road trip. Today - easy Tilden? Walk off death/grief/fear body aches. EZ. Fun. 10am. Breath.
 Again - good to have consensus in dept, training trips to LA must included overnight - no more 1-day, early morning, late evening back and forth plus 4hr training - no. J suggested PTO the next day? Uh, no. Company is trying to avoid hotel expense - J'd suggestion is we use an earned day off - that's $$ to us - were I to quit tomorrow, those hours would be paid to me in cash money. Uh. No.
 Took 7:20am pics this morning of sunrise yard - smoothie - fridge stuffed w/usual food, salad, and leftover memorial pork.
 Life is good - wider circle/network of friends/support than I know, because I generally prefer my own company - job, cottage, yard, savings, food, family and, most important, health.
 I keep coming back to Suzi Z, wanting to shoot - weather good - get a good camera - let her know - and also get clear with myself about motivations, integrity, how to get it done, focus - be real, yes. Not to be her friend or be close, but to use her and my intuitive interest which I need to trust - like with Aeron, who I did not click with, distant, smart, not soft -but we got good shots because I needed to work with her look.
 okay - now what? Market. Garden store. Call Mom first. Put 'I'll be donated and gone soon' in Siouxie's window. Find Marge/John's number & call.
 Rent paid. In 2 weeks I get to visit Charleston.
 Life is good.
+++++
 Fri Mar 31.17 home pm
 Today - quite a bit as I re-sync into my life flow...
 Mailed Rhapsody 8x10s to Pat Thomas, rolled up flyers to K - she on way to Brighton for further negotiations w/B - IM'd with Buzznet Bobby, her gf out/online bf too weird - work-related:  added org chart tips, QAT hybrid, chart est intro & other to training decks - talked about training in LA, none of us willing to do one-day anymore, good there's a consensus finally - see what happens -
 - birthday cake, training & photo arranging - cleared out personal stuff from desktop MyStuff folder, backed up onT-drive and/or deleted - good!
 Made 'I'll be gone soon' signs for Siouxie, re-did finance page - I was subtracting too little of predictable $$, I have less than I thought, but still ~55 actual, ~50 after-predictable - with expense of WV flight & Stacey/Gil support still pretty good.
 Org desktop papers - North Concord train to Rockridge, reading Elmore James - great shot! - 2 slabs of good Stilton - casual slow enjoyable walk  home -
 - 2 brandies, called Sooz, toss slab of Stilton to Buff, Jack night but we talked for ~30mins - fun! Good to talk to her - and - penciled in making a bday video for Xoxo this week, and a few hours visit from Newport during my June OR vacation.
 Drive to WF ~8:30 - GbV on tape - lovely weather, nice to be out, used Lo's WF gift card rest with cash, berries, hot bar, salad bar, 'nuther bottle of the good cognac - careful!!!!!
 Call Marge & John Sat see if they are up for Sun visit.
 I was adding stuff to work to-do list, taking them off as they got done - I need to get back on my shit, between Gil & new hire training I'm been over-extended - getting back on track -
 Photoshopped Gil Memorial photo boards/table displayed - photos/flowers/hat - uploaded - lots of likes, loves, tears, comments, some shares - good - waited a respectable week, now feels like the time. Write to 1203 Larchwood - see what happens. Send a stamped envelope. Expect nothing.
 Dropped a brandy glass talking to Sooz - shattered - picked up pieces & vacuumed.
 Hot bar dinner - 9:30pm now - cookies from memorial in fridge - Gil pot -
+++++