angrylambie blog 2017

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 Wed Nov 22.17 8:29pm
 Mostly IM'ing ams so no blogging, just haning on coast
 Drove Sun -
 Mon raining but nice
 Tues nicer, overcast, drove north, cool abandoned hotel photos in Westport - drive-through tree in Legget - then cannabis Bragg Glass Beach sunset - cloudy but stunning anyway -
 Today was stunning, sunny, not cold/breezy - one-hit cannabis bright green grass by Headlands trail, sat & meditative - glorious - coffee house for espresso/muffin, then drive south for overlook parking lot - kind nice sitting on fence - then spontaneously turn right/east down to Big River Beach - not sure I've ever been there? Beauty in every direction, blue-purple-cloud-pattern-filled sky with light patches, river, trees, bridge, rocks - weather great - well, damn.. 3 hits of the pot - mild but, potent -that is vacation...
 Had Talk w/* - acknowledged our feelings of friendship & enjoyment - so.. for me, being more myself, move past young hippie Robert etc. Giving that thought today - be serious - I am going to die - be serious and honest. Also enjoy and share love. Couple of nicely lit bed selfies, and shower video. I like her.
 Grub from grocery store - food bar, yogurt, berries -
 Very nice vacation... more beautiful than I expected - more affected by it and relaxed - may mean I have been more stressed at work than I realized -
 - decided to take chance, my response to work lady saying missing punches could be a performance issue was unnecessary, but not wrong - leaving it be, assuming it will be between her and I, probably absolutely nothing comes of it. I stood up for myself, bragged on myself; that's good.
 Doing very little and feeling good - druggy mornings - stick to flower, the candy is too heavy?
 Using cam as phone a lot - tho switched back to Canon today - when back to SF, new phone w/better cam/more storage.
 Artist from India sending nice photos. Cool person.
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 Mon Nov 20.17 mendo hotel 9:52
 Did I really not blog all week? Wow - lots of IM'ing from Italy and India, also K etc.
 Non-eventful anyway. Online relationships - company, conversation, adults we talk about relationships, sex lives, the past, add it up, openness not possible when young in middle of fertile maelstrom; artist or not natural to share photos , sexy then maybe nudes, slow or fast.
 So - yeah - and keeping honest, with myself more than the other. Keep calm, take breaks - power exchange, reasonable caution is only wide. Kiss joy as it flies. I kind of like how my body photographs now - ironically - old, gray, but lost some weight, bearing, posture, body language is good, serene, comfortable.
 Wed-Fri Thanksgiving, so I took Mon-Tues PTO for 9 full days :-).. Bragg - Mendo small rooms $175!! Way too much = but I had some times there, and it was fun - so cherish memories.
 Sleep ok Sun, up 6:30, already packed, no bike - leave ~8:30? 128 easy driving fantastic beautiful Autumn day - new technology sending photos during trip is cool.
 Discussed learning some Spanish w/Nuria so we can discuss art better. I remember a bit more than I'd've guessed!
 Overcast, so no sunset, sets ~5 - Mendo grocery for supplies, dispensary for flower/chocolate bar, - got room 138 in dark corner - good room but no windows - they're moving me into a diff room this afternoon. I got till Fri pm - that's 6 nights... home Sat... that good? yeah sure. 4 more nights.. I can add another mid week if necessary.
 Work lady asked me to be more careful about punching in on time every day - I should have just said 'ok', but told her after 18years I had been told it was no biggy, who I was, respected high-value resource, 19yrs, training for 500 on west coast etc, said if anyone was concerned, looked at my rep, they'd understand - my business means I can't always be by the computer to punch in &  out.
 So that was stupid. But I was pricked by implication someone might think, after 20yrs, I should be watched like a still-on-probation new hire.
 Have UltiPro on this laptop? Maybe write and apologize? Would help put my mind at roast - it's bugging me a bit. Making trouble where there is no need.
 Yesterday on way up, range of emotions, angry, depressed, irritated, upset, etc as My mind began to get into vacation mode and shed all daily routine tensions - it's okay I felt - okay to be sad about Gil dying, okay to be depressed about some things in life - it is not easy -
 Packed, moving out of this room so they can clean and pep new room - coffee, breakfast, and MacKerricher stroll? Rainy Monday morning - here through Sat morning - nice...
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 Sun Nov 12.17 hm bed
 Start again.
 Pat Thomas at Pegasus talking about Jerry Rubin book - Matt Piucci & wife there - one of women who took pics of RP cover - bought book, enjoyed talk - impressive piece of documentation etc - 1st time meeting Pat but didn't feel like it - what with his efforts to rerelease Game Theory's stuff - his dramatic telling of post-suicide picking up GT tapes from Scott V, and having to pull over to side of road to bawl because of sheer weight of history and tragedy in that box of reels. Gil had lunch with him shortly before he died - really enjoyed it - damn. Anyway - cool to see everyone - said hi to RP guitarist Thoman.
 Lots of IMs w/N & Mk (also many pics Mk).
 Mom didn't answer phone - try again tomorrow.
 Would up sitting around both days. Okay. Thing w/Mk making us both lose sleep. Bit of restless tension. It will pass. I'm assuming this will pass. We know that. But should enjoy melding heat fun for what it is. Don't need to get googly to enjoy. Cold-blooded hard nosed pleasure. It's a little unusual, so fast - naturally I can say that and admit mild discomfort. Edgy. Okay. Call, vid - um..... no. I may have some power - don't use it, except to encourage. Be positive & nice. Be honest.
 I am home - this feel like home - looks like home - is home. Take's a heap of living...
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 Sat Nov 11.17 nm
 Tired from work week, from M IMs/shares/tending to it - I think, stop tending to it, it is happening on its own, with no help from me, caution is unnecessary, be myself the good kind loving person I am. Desire for pleasure is not abnormal or necessarily dangerous. Just be my cool self and enjoy this meeting. we are human, maybe we'll have difficult times, misunderstandings, and don't mean world is ending. Lots of photos, some nude in bed, some semi-clothed. All enjoyable and part of getting to know each other - with our similar situation, divorced, living in small space, doing some art. Cool. She telling me about India history is fun. At this point we see resisting doesn't work - do what we each say, enjoy this time of innocent earthy fleshy melding, which will not last forever - answer each others' curiosity with trust, open heart. Kiss the joy as it flies. Take a chance on trust.
 Sleep ~11? Up for 45min middle of night w/M, then physically awake ~7am - forced myself to stay in bed till ~9 - body said it needed sleep - good idea.
 Told her L story, now also sharing with N, but difficult because of language barrier. She said she liked secrets, also has period photo ideas, wants my support, okay - curious.
 I am me, with without these contacts.
 Can't book Davis hotel for WEF until Jan 1 -
 Get two days off before Thanksgiving off - 2.5 PTO days + holidays = 9 days off - um, yes. Bragg. How many days? 5-6? Ummmm... yes - that would be good for me. Mendo? Owch. But maybe - it is so fucking lovely.
 Write/call Dr. to see about arm and get viagra prescription.
 Today - get out to Tilden - rained so no Reyes.
 okay - get face out of laptop - home. Call Stacey? Call Mom? Pat Thomas Jerry Rubin book Sun.
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 Fri Nov 10.17 bed 8:50pm
 Tired after wk, stay hr late IM'g w/M - more nudes :-) - pretty great turn-on; trying to do right - seems we feel okay, maybe understand it's a little odd (risky?), but it's happening, so let it play out - nudes just part of us getting to know each other. Cool. So far so good. I am being honest and sending vulnerable shots at her request.
After wk, groceries - had small hit first and noticed a good relaxed outlook - it's just slightest high - all I need. Berries, clam chowder, pudding etc - and stopped outside for a minute to  feel real blessed, to have such a great market, with such a plethora of different cultures and lifestyles without seeming at all outlandish or weird. S'what guy at work said, Oakland-Berkeley border most diverse in US. Fucking love it and am so lucky. And nice car - which was a gift - people are watching out for me - there are a lot of people who care for, value, and support me. It shook out okay. Easy to worry - but this is good
 Criteria is: roof, food, money friends, health. Ahem... yes. The rida thing was very cool - but time to move on, let go.
Started a Louis L'Amour western  - cool stuff!
 Bunches of clothed & nude'ish pics from M today, I sent her and K others rainy day in SF pics. M said no water pics, she has a phobia.
 Rainbow, lots of free food at wk.
 This is excellent - lucked into a great job.
 Bit high now, Mk says she will send more. We are having adult fun, and also sharing ideas, books, personal stuff and cultural - she said new thing for her (to share so much) so we had that conversation, she brought it up - I did good, little breakthrough. Admiring each other as artists. So there's that pleasure and excitement, as well. She's a woman. Everyone is a little nuts. Let go.
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  Thu Nov 9.17 hm 8:08pm
  No blog Wed-Thu am? because long IMs/photo share with M - I think we first got in touch, because of Frida/Mayakovsky pic - almost immediately person shares, started with explanation of Chrissie connection, I said we used sexual energy from frustrated teen time, and explored in IMs photos etc - she asked to see some, been sharing our histories old photos/new photos since. Today she said 'like to hear your voice' and I was like uhhh.. just said extremely shy about mtg internet people, she said okay, also shy, and we prob never meet. So. Nice photos... couple of backside as BART was arriving. Beautiful - I think phone might be okay - she is friendly - but today we were talking about marriages, sexual experiences, details of what was going on in e.g., pics of Tonya & I & JAA - it was arousing, work was extremely slow so much tie to share, pic up momentum.. I have unintentionally hurt people, like Lindy & Lynn, by not being clear in myself about my introversion - so got that out there clear as poss... said "Sllowwww...."
  Let go - I am me - I am me without any contacts - contact with them is within me, not outside me - up to me to keep it on the rails - not indulge in a wild roll down the hill... let go - my responsibility is to Mom, family, Karen & Xo, Sooz, Eric, Stacey, not to Internet friends, however healing and lively and great they are. See? It's not always easy - we are enjoying the initial hot connections, obviously there's some ease of communication that may or may not be unusual. 2 artists. Divorced etc.
  Do not treat her like a candy. Respect her. I think it's okay for adults, on opposite sides of world, to share sexual expensive and photos - but - respectfully; that means being honest always, because price of dishonesty if hurtful. It's okay to be a little cautious. It's okay to say I am doing that. I sense she is vulnerable - maybe so am I - single, lonely - be careful.
  It will be okay.. in a few weeks, next year, in time this initial excitement will ebb, pass - hopefully something of value will remain.
  Don't fuck up.
  It's really nice getting photos from her, chats and shared... but - it can get weird, too. Always be honest. Always speak truth.
  Lost my door card today - no idea how!! Embarrassed. Work was so dead I felt a little crazy. Having  tough day.
  Sent ~$60 to French Frida painter Podane for two calendars.
  Uber emailed credit card offer -so wtf I signed up, got $1,400 credit line - whatever - . Good to build up credit. Asked Mechanic card for increase, too.
  Check WEF hotel!
  Finished Peter Cushing bio - that was fun! Now Louis L'Amour western!
  Goofy sleep/morning - groggy all day - sleep early tonight?
  Pat Thomas at Pegasus Sunday for Jerry Rubin bio - might do that.
  N in Italy said she wanted to take some erotic photos - she called them perverted - as well as others. Curious what becomes of that. Feel okay about my reaction - of course it is arousing - I am animal as well as vegetable and spiritual - but I didn't feel greedy for it, or like pushing her to do it - curious to see what ideas she is exploring as artist, and me with my nude selfies and nude model work, makes sense for us to discuss.
  So, actually - pretty eventful day - IMd w/Buzznet Bobby who is going through terribly though times (bro killed, PR home wrecked by hurricane, relationship problems) - never met her but feel a bond.
  And with Karen about maybe house ~.45mins from Cam, maybe web site for my work - bands, nudes, Fridas, nature, body hair, 'me, too' thing -  powerful men molesting / assaulting women blowing up across country now.
  Also a couple of women I met through Frida - one I sent new selfie to - we barely know each other except we dig The Blues. I sent '94 pic Chae took with leather ring to ~3 people, none of whom knew what it was(?!) - explained, how body heat/moisture softens leather, feels like being held tightly, a bit aroused all day.
  Thing w/Mek, as it was with Nur: I don't want it to be so sexualized that I think of her only/primarily that way, because it's unbalanced, a whole nother huge part of the mind is temporarily out of sight, out of focus... so yes, I did right, slow down, wait, wait until it's cooled of - then talk about phone. Honestly - so that no matter what happens I can look back, feel okay, and know I did not in a search for pleasure, not take care for feelings of others.
  Wow - that is so - like - adult.
  Pat Thomas Sun - call Tracey for dinner/lunch!
  Cool - life is good.
  Yes, thank you, be good today.
  Oh, talked to Sooz Tues - she says upper arm pain is probably arthritis. Fuck that! Tho - better arthritis than something worse.
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  Tue Nov 7.17 hm 6:30
  1hr or so w/Mekhlla Indian artist - more selfies from her, nice to receive, and asking for new one from me, which I shot/sent last night (laying off side of bed, shooting down, one lap side-lit - tolerable) - seductive and gets into my mind in uncomfortable ways - I crave it, yet don't believe for a sec anyone wants to see me - personal reasons, but based on sex-symbols; bodies, so I fear, and mistrust. Anyway - we'll see - in the past there've been a couple times (L7L) women asked for them and oo-ah'd to flatter and be nice, etc. Bleagh. I trust Lo..
  Mek only since Friday? Got straight into art, sex, couples, divorces, youth, scandalous relationships with unavailable younger people. I sent her nudes montages of me with Chrissie by way of explaining Frida pics - talking about my nudes  on private fb page - vibe as there - she asked if I wanted some nudes of her. I said 'Yes.' Simple.
  Nuria back from Paris, sold 2 paintings - send short vid clip of her holding up Frida w/kittens, but I don't know yet why or what she was saying.
  To some people I am a minor celebrity, and a nice guy.
  w/Nur I feel okay because it happened slow and is growing organically - it is what it is - Mon at work I tried copying pasting some of Makhlla's IMs and they came into Word with pics!?! Duh? So I got them all; also all of Nuria's which is v/cool because she'd had to delete them all to make room on her phone - hundreds of pages & ~50M - happy for her because she was bummed about losing pics.
  Cell phone makes noise every time someone sends an IM - it ringing now - ; something making me uncomfortable about that thing - too fast - and can't help compare to N.
  Take a break, step back, no need to explain, be honest, keep everything separate - there's feast and famine. It will be okay.
  All these will be okay. A month, a year from now we'll maybe be in touch, maybe not, but this first fire of communication recognition sharing is normal and okay. It happened with Lo - trying to take a break; same w/N - we were both "What's happening!" v/emotional. Maybe now again -
  - and I just don't like hot it goes to me head. Breath gently into it. I am enough as I am. I don't need the go boost.
  I am enough.
  Sooz sposed to call in 15min at 7.
  Getting to the CORE stuff at work - nothing big, lots of little things.
  Cooling off, but hot bright sun. Wonderful time of year.
  Wearing my PJs to Nomad - baggy black Sons of Champlin hoodie & Mexican hippie drawstring trousers.
  Life is good.
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  Mon Nov 6.17 nm
  Not much Sun.. and felt worse for it.. a Tilden or anywhere walk outdoors would have been great!
  Talked to Mom for an hour, lots of internet, late afternoon downtown for Arnell's pizza, bookstore (Lovecraft) - home for Peter Cushing Google searching, tumblr, etc... at least sit outdoors if it's not too cold - but get out! Walk!
  List of CORE training related stuff to do at work - do it all!! Being on top of it will relieve blank area that freezes me takes up mental space.
  Don't withdraw during winter, keep active, move - pursue bliss.
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  Sun Nov 5.17 nm 11am
  Daylight savings befuddlement - but why? Nooo... groggy as heck... small laundry in front house last night while Buff/DJ out... cold...
  Wake ~4-5am.. then 7:30 but it was 6:30.. back to "sleep" till 9'ish..? Catch up yeah...
  Paris photos from Nuria.. cool - even little videos saying hi from friends  - I was touched... online friends...
  Sat drive to bank for $100 quarters (Dad and his change dish - but that doesn't explain paying for my morning cappuccino with 3.75 in quarters every day), UCB game but found parking, falafel plate lunch - beautiful early fall sunny bright cool day! - 1/2 price books: found collection of E Leonard westerns, also two by Louis L'Amour (recommended by East Indian artist) - so that was fun! I-store hocolate gelato cone - Bowl on way home. Successful errands!
  Long IM's w/Indian artist, following up on Fri pm chat - very intimate very fast - at our age relationship talk is no longer so sensitivitie it being past, not so controlling - interesting to share stories/see similarities, we are not alone in our tough emotional relationship situations. Also her schooling, travels, friends, siste on fb etc. Chat break - chop back East side avocado/datura/succulents to be out of neighbors space - nice straight line now - looks cool actually, shows respect for their space. Realized I'd done most talking/chatting during afternoon - all about my family/marriage/divorce etc I'm a talker! - want attention - came back, asked about her marriage/divorce - listened for an hour or so - harsh/painful. Again my nudes w/Chrissie didn't come up, desire for nudes from her wasn't noticeable, so good on that.
  Called Mom, left msg - prob at eve mass? Call again today.
  IM w/L, bath, naughty talk, send pussy-eating gifs by request - yummy talk.
  Heat up Vietnamese soup w/bread - Mexican drawstring baggy hippie pants 'belt' broke, liable to fall - sewed side to tighten up, working great now: satisfaction.
  The usual - pot, lights, videos, some Duke Nuke'm walk throughs.
  Getting cold - get out either Nan's quilt, or comforter, or both.
  Simple easy life now see? Love this appreciate all I have. If I had more, I'd want more still - if I was wealthier I'd envy those within sight who have "more". I have enough. This is good - I have moments of happiness and serenity - that alone shows this life is good. Devil of envy is the joy killer. Be here now and kiss joy as it flies.
  In some circles I am a minor celebrity - very small college rock scene for Game Theory photos, esp with 'morbid' interest post Scott suicide/Gil dying; larger minor celebrity in art world for Frida w/gun (plus Djikia's Mayakovsky iteration), and much less so for Frida/Patti. Still, it makes me a person of slight, but legitimate interest for some in art world, and I am grateful for handful of folks (mostly women - understandably since Frida's feminist icon) I am in touch with through that creation. Very cool, and leave cynicism out of it.
  So if I add up Sat: morning smoothie & wifi cafe, IM's with several friends (Nuria in Paris, Mekhlla in India, L in tub), bank, healthy lunch downtown, ice cream, several cool new books to read, groceries, laundry, yard trim, front house/cat care, Vietnamese soup dinner, sew pants so they don't fall down - pot in bed, sandwich sleep, cool.
  I get by with a little help from my friends.
  Oh, and this. Best get used to it and love it  - learn to use and love my older face, like I used youthful charm - I may be old a lot longer, someday I will forget what I was to look like young what seemed like yesterday. And smile, I look better when I smile.
 
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  Sat Nov 4.17 nm
  Rough sleep again - wassup I wonder - sleep ~11? Up ~1... out of bed ~8:30 - weird.. dunno... I may be overestimating burden of global app/format CORE update - by making it bigger I make myself bigger/more indispensible/important... carry it lightly.
  Long IM's with Indian artist who loves Frida/Mayakovsky montage, she very - as she says - "cheeky" - inviting me over, I'm treating it lightly but keeping an eye on it. At first avoided - decided be honest, upfront - yest sharing life histories, somehow got from (?) nude photography, artists/nudes in general, our relationship histories, sexual hang-ups based on religion/culture, our personal experiences/preferences, details details, told her about L in vague terms, she me about her younger scandal man, I told her Chrissie history - sexual frustration from youth generating healing/artistic energy, my cute communist sexual montages for Chrissie, then of us two, that led to Frida w/gun, M asked to see some, I asked if it's okay that some include nude selfies of my young self - she said yeah - so that happened organically. I had , without inordinate effort, resisted desire to offer my old nude selfies (which because of intimacy of some our shares seemed logical, but why not wait, enjoy it more as part of full discussion, or never do it, not just wave my junk in her face). So the way it happened as part of relationship share between artists worked cool I think.
  She could not have known what she was asking for, that I'd be nude/aroused (but I think she did), and once I got into telling story, I wanted to tell it all, sent 5 samples, me & Chrissie couch porn cartoon, Chrissie & Che, several of her & I including last colorful flowery one shortly before she died. She made no comment about photos of me. So, okay. Casual, organic - she's a bit crazy, but so am I & on other sides of world, and we both need contacts. So.
  After I shared sexy Chrissie pics, she said "I will send pics I shared with bf." Compared to one of me and Chrissie in flowery field - I thought - oh! She is gonna send me nude selfies! Not 100% comfortable with how I was feeling: desiring sex thrill, but feeling it was too soon and (in my mind) implied .. something. But it was artsy meme images.
  
  It's okay to blog  - discreetly - about this stuff - details are good - like those L wrote about she & I in 89. Turned out to be significant.
  Rained last night - no plans this weekend - call Mom! First time in 3 weeks.
  Finished 1st half of Cushing autobio, ends with death of wife - obviously written by actor - with an eye toward entertaining the reader: heightened melodrama, clever asides, outright laughs - good stuff about an actor who figures so large in my youth.
  Today - groceries, quarters/cash, eat - nice n easy day. Feeling like I need it - still recuperating from last few stressful work months, getting CORE training folded into work to it is no more work than I do now - normal, organic.
  Shelley's bday today.. 53? Yikes!
  I'm all withdrawn healing self-constricted - okay! Life is good.
  And this arm thing - must have it looked at!! Could be a sign of something else - been almost a year - time to do it. Longer I wait, increases possibility it is something getting worse! Don't wanna hear "Too bad you didn't come in 6mos ago!"
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  Thu Nov 2.17 nm
  Up a bit late and early feeling stressed - this is what happened when I'm procrastinating at work - get on the CORE stuff today, respond to Tracey etc, look into my notes, contact pilot team, practice some slides - etc. Make it part of my daily routine; I am not expected to add these tasks as an extra layer, a 2nd job - fold it in. Find out if there are other pilot teams, LA? Etc.
  Youtube:  Duke Nukem run throughs - ehh - psychedelic kaleidoscopes - mehhh - photoshop more fun...
  Reading Peter Cushing autobio - fascinating to read how he struggled came up through ranks etc, tidbits, his tone is so stiff upper lip British, charming, entertaining, melodramatic at times - a yarn.
  Anyway - Renee's beautiful ass 1979 - worth paying homage to. Annnd start day...
 
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  Wed Nov 1.17 nm
  Tues taped $560 rent check to back window.
  BB for berries after work, sleep 10:30'ish - almost every night cottage party, Oregon 2 lady basket lamp, light show, cannabis (Harlequin), music - last night Yes Edge/Fragile  - ah, yes, quite nice - wake 6am, back to sleep till 7:30 - getting good sleep - so much at work - need to get CORE stuff organized/bullet list, fold activities into daily.
  Yes - please - a few more weeks like this, calm collected, time to appreciate all I have comforts health friends memories - visible healing, post Scott & Gil - painful looses -
  Last weekend, high from getting CORE training over  - relief, end of anxiety/fear - Sun crashed as I knew I would, settled, slide back from peak relief euphoria - bad heavy sensitive angry - okay now.
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  Tue Oct 31.17 nm
  Mon am - groggy - darned 'white' cannabis - hypnotic eye candy pattern creator from Eric - Nomad, email from R saying hurt back not at work - ahhh - fuck it - I'ma doing my 8hrs and going home - fuck this no dept-head sort-staffed fill in for every issue - why? Says who? What is my motivation? Fuck it. Got in after 10... do my job and no more.
  IMs w/NMM 92 selfies polaroid late 30s (she asked for 30s), noted I was shaved, talked about how people started shaving after seeing internet porn in 90s, about where she shaved, laser hair removal, heat too much for delicate areas - photos of many styles, highlighting hers, etc. I get embarrassed when caught up in sexy talk, wanting to also be mature artist friend etc. But let it be, no regrets, after done don't need to revisit. Sexy talk is okay so long as it doesn't dominate or become one-sided man pushing for it. I'm not apologizing. Not demanding. Etc. Sokay. Shared/compared 2 erection selfies: 1979 smiling hippie and ~1982 car life wicker chair - side-by-side, and macros to explain why thighs together pushing balls up makes 82 cock look smaller than balls hanging low + low camera angle making smiling hippie boner look extra large - which, of course, what man doesn't want that? A woman enhances with a bra, I enhance with camera angle - why not? Hahahah - - anyway, she in Paris for exhibition - cool!
  So there's that.
  Bed very comfortable - grateful for it - sleeping in same room I "live" in - no prob - room life is normal, mine is broke in and comfy - 5 pillows, warm, skylight - yes -
  Almost every morning a moment or so of hand on L vulva warm furry pillow rubbing - just - because - she is in my heart...
  Couple nights over weekend, fell asleep, woke up like 30mins later thinking it's middle of night, but it's 10:30 - weird feeling...
  Sun was gonna chill clean cottage, but most of afternoon IM'ing & w/N - frustrated, but felt stuck wanting to have contact but not all there mentally - not my most clever brightest ha ha - tried calling Mom but no response and no phone msg.
  Plan was move camera/screen under bed, but hooked it up - it works fine - watched a bit of early 90s (?) video - Scott & Shalini's wedding party - !?! No memory of that! Can put screen nr end of bed / camera control in lap, watch - maybe it's time - winter activity, why not? Can I get attachment to record videos digitally onto work computer? Low res so small file?
  Showering at night working.
  Life is good - smile. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
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  Sun Oct 29.17 nm
  Load a laundry Thurs pm while Buff/DJ in Bragg - fed Angel, she threw up on living room rug, brought in dead bird sacrifice, mewed a lot, liked chasing crunchies around dining room, accepted my petting.
  Thurs afternoon first 2hr CORE training for pilot team, months of leading up to this - went better than expected I think. waiting for feedback. I fumbled some parts (esp overall global initiative of which I am not privy to details), admitted there were a couple of parts I was still learning (gantt charts/sorting series) - but got it all in; they seemed excited and to be getting it.
  Glad to have that over with - last couple months at work have been crazy: Jeff quit, short-staffed, Randy gone for 2 weeks, I open 7am every day, afternoon guy calls in sick, temps are only moderately helpful or in way. New hire training/photos etc - stressful - ; plus trip to Dallas to be trained to train updated app/formatting - plus rigmarole around who pays for what - they want me to pay for plane tickets/hotels etc then get reimbursed - un, no. What about a change in title and compensation? 
  So, all that going on, and getting over Gil's dying as well.
  Over now - Thurs training was last bit - mind free now - I feel I can relax, organically draw into myself, enjoy life. Nice.
  Fri wore out mentally but physically restless, carrying home free IT tossed-out projector and cords - thank you - , took Rockridge train, espresso and finished E Leonard's La Brave al fresco. Slow stroll home, berries from corner market. La la la.
  Eric
invited me up Sat to drive and eat - okay, tired but.. okay sure.
  Sat head to SR ~9; 10:30am head west - beautiful morning backroads, unexpectedly looped through Occidental, Freestone to Sebastopol for sushi lunch - Mara (?), good! Coffee - zing!! Tried to visit burn areas, but guards turned us back - saw some destruction - real bad. ~2pm drop off Eric, Petaluma Starbucks mocha, chill - so nice out! - early Fall - out D St backroads - not much further than from Novato - Cheese Factory sandwich on bench by pond - check book shelves in Nicasio - easy drive home, BB for eggs, pudding, bananas.
  Considered Reyes hike, but let's chill - cottage need straightening, put all the 8mm video tuff under bed, clear out clutter. Tilden later would be nice!
  Fri put GT live in Seattle LN tour on phone; Sat listened on way to SR - sounded good - what a great band! - , jokes about Shelley's new rubber dress - Gil joking etc - point is, I enjoyed memories, mind excited by songs, voices, stream of consciousness - cool to hear Gil's drumming (and Scott's guitar) now with more appreciation, and of course Scott's great songs (!!!). Have listed to studio recordings since they died, but not live stuff - good to reach point I can enjoy - a good sign.
 +++++
  Thu Oct 26.17 nm
  Nov ask for credit card increased, check when I can rent WEF motel, visit Marge & John. Call Shirley.
  New Slide style training today - more pressure I put on myself, more I look at this roll-out as making me something special, more disappointments and unhappiness I'll experience. I am no big deal work-wise. This is just my job - I'm a graphics guy - they're making changes to style, want us to work on our presentation skills - okay, No Biggy. The first time is always rough - do the best I can - be there for follow-up, learn with them. Today, go page-by-page - do my best. Be confident, but not over-confident, and don't make it a matter of personal accomplishment. It's just me doing my job best I can. Cool. And it is job security indeed.
  Slept pretty well ~10:30-7'ish - take care of front house while Buff/DJ on coast; bedclothes all tore up  - restless anxious about training today - mainly because of pressure to follow better training suggestions - for this first time, focus has to be on app info - trainer suggestions will grow and build with experience. This is good.
  This is good. 10mos after Gil died - can feel this is good again. Wallow in it a bit - enjoy good times, healing. Sun also rises. Tomorrow is another day. Post-Gil body pain mostly gone; top left arm still a painful bother - could it be arthritis??
  Infrastructure: Job, cottage, Buff/DJ, healthy diet (too much snacking), music/reading/nature recreation, regular bathing, cool South Berkeley location near Bowl/Bart, call Mom & Sooz regularly, visit Eric in SR. All this is good. Also, no mainstream vices: gambling, drugs, alcohol - a bit of porn, and too much time online - but - meh. And I enjoy the art I've collected, and yard/garden I am so fortunate and blessed to play in, learning how to work phone/message/send photos/UBER, GPS, etc. All-in-all, this is good. Hard to beat. Tomorrow never knows.
  Less facebook I think, unfollowing almost everyone, esp from music scene - posting less, and taking down what I do post. Good. week time-out for Jenni nude to private page did some good.
 +++++
  Wed Oct 25.17 nm
  Sooz call last night - talk about letter stating who gets what if I get hit by a comet: Car goes back to Sooz, Mendo quilt goes to Xoxo, Scott negatives got to Kristine/ Valerie/ Julianne, Karen gets her boxes, art? Family gets to go through for art?
  Call Shirley, time has passed, I will regret it if I don't.
  Slept well - ~10:30-7:30 - yum! Bowl <wk, Vietnamese soup & bread dinner. Stock smoothie supplies. After Sooz call shower... 2hr Thurs into to new standards, app etc - rely on notes, keep it simple, slow down - breath - demo then hands-on - computers closed. Perhaps in some ways my training style has evolved around what's comfy for me - fast, personality-driven - my insecurities up front - ; new style: stand still, hands at sides, speaking loudly, slow, pause, breath... eye contact - develop confidence - it will come... this is good. This is all good.
  Yay.
  K/Xo in Barc.
 +++++
  Tue Oct 24.17 nm
  $1300 to car insurance, $1400/Lbs1K to K for Xo/Barc etc. Owch! Probably leaves me ~50 - so, okay.
  Look into hotel for WEF.
  Buff/DJ in Bragg for the week - keep an eye on Angel & house; do laundry :-)
  Started looking at new Toolbox at work to train beta group Thu - looks do-able. Sell ideas best I can - tho I was not in on them - no one expecting perfection, ever! Do my best, get better to offer follow-up support, I'll do fine. Most of Dallas really was about training; changes to slide style & app not daunting.
  This is good. I look at every aspect/detail of my life, say "This is good!." That's a good sign. Back to appreciating what I have, what works well. $200 weekends in Bragg Mendo - mmmm. Because I can, because I enjoy it, because it's good for me.
 +++++
  Mon Oct 23.17 nm
  Very relaxing energizing weekend in Bragg/Mendo - chill vacation, in beautiful location - Sat pm strolling south headlands during drizzly overcast "sunset" dusk - Sun morning sunny white light -
  After Sun hotel, MacKerricher, walk planks, barefoot down coast, stop at blowhole for 30mins - video, stills - sent to L/N etc (after my gentle encouragement, N sent another shower side selfie) ... fb profile is close-up face in mirror photographing penis - 1980 - JAA wrote I Love You on mirror - my expression intensely focused; share uncropped version with a few friends, silly as it is - completes profile pic joke haha.
  Back through Bragg - headlands, sunny bright, rough surf, blue sky/ocean, foliage colors extra saturated, loud rush roar of ocean - fantastic - hated to leave - lunch box from grocery store, espresso from cafe - zoom - easy drive home, relaxing, music - no pot - SR ~4:30, split up cannabis (Harlequin & White, candies), check diff places downtown, wind up at sushi - that was fine; after, one drink at bar down street - his bday today - 61, Happy B-Day Eric! Talk about seeing so many homes burned reminds us how easily all we 'own' could disappear in an instant - ask ourselves what is its real value.
  Easy drive home in dark, with! music in Sooz's car - thank you! Sleep ~10:30, sleep decent, up ~7:10. Getting those 8hrs in. Today at work start prepping to support beta teams for training later this week. Cool.
  Youg Robert selfie photo sharing is fun - just - stay sane - don't make too much of it, or get addicted. Adult fun. That's all.
 +++++
  Sun Oct 22.17 I Bragg Hotel am
  Sat - mainly overcast but nice, light breeze - surf low but rough and fun!
  Fri pm sleep ~9, several cannabis infusions - tincture, flower, bonbon - on top of being worn out, with those inducements, sleep deep and serene - up ~5:30, shower, pack food clothes electronics, lv 6:30 - dark when I left, brain tired - this coast trip is mainly about resting my mind in a beautiful place - quiet, thank you.
  Easy traffic all the way, no obvious fire damage on 101 near SR. Cloverdale Starbucks, Boonville $6 double espresso (!?!- good, though); apple orchard for dried apples, boxes and gourds photos, friendly black kitty petting; Rock Store walk through; strolled redwoods by river, not usual pullover spot - straight to headlands, pretty rough low-tide surf, lots of video, laid down a shot while overlooking water, meditated a bit - very good! Brain tired - not using it too much - just doing stuff - sharing pics to Nur, K etc
  Into town for Oddfellows Art Gallery, wifi cafe, cannabis - two 1/4s, Harlequin, some stronger indica, candies. Bragg, hotel, raining! ~5 back to Mendo. couple hits of new indica - 1 would have been enough, 2nd hit was big; not bad - mainly relaxing - but too much - one hit would be perfect. Wander south headlands high, overcast and gloomy, mostly had it to myself - sound of ocean, soft light, vague traces of yellow and pink in gray clouds. It was alright. Made me happy to be alive - stripped down below society, training and my personal memories etc, just a conscious entity in this existences. Need that sometimes. Brass tacks.
  Mendo General store for razor blades, salad bar, hot soup (yum!!), chocolate bars, jelly beans -, - let them know I have munchies! It's Mendocino for fucks sake. Jelly beans on drive back to Bragg in nighttime rain, soup, salad, chocolate bar at hotel - Duke Nuk'em videos, hit of Harlequin, sleep ~9 - think I slept decently till ~6.
  IM w/K & N - K leaving for barc w/Xo tomorrow - PayPal'd ~$1.4K which equals $1K pounds. Keep it simple. That will help with Xo's plane ticket, hotel, meals etc. I've been pretty good with finances - can do $1.3K car insurance + help K with barc = still have baseline 50+. Cool. I like how this went, this was a good time to do it - we'd discussed it, but not amounts etc - we both been busy - time comes, she's leaving tomorrow, I'm all rested and meditated out, morning Bragg hotel w/coffee - had my smoothie - send her the $$ for Xo - now, shower, pack and whatever the fuck I want - this is more about chill than taking every opportunity to hang by ocean - it's there, air is cool and clean - morning sun bright!!
  Sips of hotel coffee. Nice. Healthy mideast salad in fridge. Walk headlands some more.. sushi with Eric on way home. Thank you Sooz for the car - I love her, I love you, it makes a huge difference in my life.
 +++++
  Sat Oct 21.17 Cloverdale Starbucks
  Fri Alex called in sick, my computer broke.. etc.. morning busy, so slowed down afternoon, 10hr day, closed.. work got slow in afternoon yay - tired, but no plans for weekend, booked Bragg hotel ~$80 - that's ~3-4hrs pay - ; budget was looking good, but I forgot to include auto insurance subtraction, there goes ~$1300 - gah!! Alost 2x as much as for Siouxie. But I don't mind, she's a great car. Concerned I'd be too tired to enjoy coast overnight -
  - brief meditation/sitting nap on BART helped, straight to Bowl for fruit, eggs, sandwich etc. Remade bed, pulled down suitcase & food cooler - cannabis chocolate, tincture etc - shower - bed ~9, slept good till ~5am, right on. Pack food/clothes, make pbj, pillow, blender - lv ~6:30am. ~8:30 now.
  Driving past SRosa & Geyserville, no sign of last week's fire - no slowdowns, smoke, burned trees nor debris - weird.
  Fri I sent Nmm two hillside nudes by ShelleyB, close-up on bits - @wk she sent distracting (more fun if there's a purpose, such as to distract) pic of back/side similar, almost exactly, as I'd shown in drawing. Beautiful soft light, every hillock, valley, curve and slope. Brown skin overlaid muscles/bone. Beautiful.
  So that's cool & fun; I'm being careful not to make more of it than that. We're adults, in diff countries; it is good to do this sharing. Almost daily hellos - I think it's okay. Just now, sent her 2nd 1979 selfie, after sitting hippie hard smile niuce pic, shot a darker more serious one against wall. The Two Roberts: cnflict between niceness, and sexual desire.
  Feeling okay - enough sleep, enough food (snacking way to much at work/gaining weight).
  Triple cappuccino and scone - pee and leave.
  Doing what I want.
  I catch myself asking if what I'm doing is bad.
  Maybe more focus on if what I'm doing is good.
  Focus on reward instead of punishment.
  Carrot instead of stick.
 +++++
  Thu Oct 19.17 nm
  Overcast, getting cooler - sleeping in sweatshirt/Mexican drawstring hippie pants, comfy - bed is comfy. Luxurious with 5 pillow, layers, Mendo quilt - time soon to bust out Nan's heavier quilt and/or comforter. Soft morning light through skylight - skylight is one of my favorite things - beautiful light changing throughout day, seasons, year.
  Catching up at work, start practicing 1 hr/day on updated app... most of Dallas training was how to train - I should be able to get my head around app reasonably easily?
  Shared b&w porn gif - woman standing up off cock - w/3 friends, wondering about appeal - mesmerizing - 2 said 'eh'! L liked it. Interesting. Now back off that stuff for a bit - cool off - don't let sex dominate - it gets boring; being an interesting person, thoughts, discussion more important to all.
  I almost miss going into work early, and getting off when there's light - back to 10-6:30 - but soon it'll be dark at 5, then 4 - so - enjoy my light mornings. Many things have gone my way, from low rent, to skylight, work hours with free mornings, training at work taking me out of the daily production, upgrades keeping it from getting stale. Cool shit, yes - and being trainer forces me to get comfortable with lots of human contact, public speaking - being single lead trainer on West Coast is nuts - but there you go.
  Finished another Leonard - Pronto - fun stuff!
  Payday Fri - look into Mendo weekend again - are Monte Rio cabins down to $100 yet? Maybe a salt point visit?
 +++++
  Tues Oct 17.17 hm 6pm
  Short timeline:
  Dept head Jeff left in August
  I did 4 day Jazz Blues mid Sept
  Week I got back morning guy Randy Dad ill, days off
  Afternoon guy Culi sick 2 of those days
  So I open/alone 2-3 days - with temp to train (Sheba)
  Future hold Dallas trip to retrain for major app update
  But Randy on vacation 10 days, so whole training load is one me
  10 days I open 7am and mostly alone (temps not much help)
  Some trainings in there
  I go to Dallas 4 days (Randy gone 3 of those days)
  Now it's over - Mon/today photos/train 16 new hires
  Haven't done facepages since Aug - got most done this afternoon - finish tomorrow.
  Big fire up in Santa Rosa area.
  Anyway - dept head departure (2nd in 8 months) disruptive, then people out, temp to train, Dallas trip etc - been a bit time -consuming; snuck in a Mendo/Bragg weekend - I'm doing whole West Coast update beta teams support, no change in compensation/title. Okay - what the fuck. It's a good job. But don't kill myself. Still my own man, earned that after 17yrs. I do good. Not just the few hours of training, but getting to work on time, my diet, calling Mom, no bad vices. I can do it. I can do life. Yay.
  Sooz calling in a bit -
  Sun long IM with NMM - full story of Gringo.
  Sent pic Caroline Wong took of me Berkeley morning ~1977/78 - eye contact, shared with a few, they liked it - intimate eye contact. Nice. Sharing youthful sexuality, as deeply painfully confusing as it was back then, now it brings pleasure - this is healing - it's so long ago, distance makes it not-confusing and fun. Cool. I harbor vulnerable reservations and shame(?), but I think really, lucky to be able to share with a few internet friends, as a semi-public figure, as photographer, (responsible, intelligent) creator of viral Frida with gun, Scott Miller photographer.
  Leaving up private nude/other fb photo page, deleted ~100 people who rarely or never commented, and not posting anymore, but leaving it there as a record of cool event.  There was an interest in my photography after Scott died - one of first pics uploaded was Real Nighttime cover - still like that! - , I think my motivation was more something to do in the wake of suicide trauma - then Gil died... I dunno, those photos to some degree are who I am - I brought my best self to my art, most intelligence, skill, self-confidence and integrity - so sharing that, - maybe in some way - I'm letting many people see what, up till then, mostly only my closest friends, like Gil & Scott, and in past Donnette, saw. They saw that I had something going on. I took a chance and showed a lot of my work - not just my 'best'. Cool. If I get booted for another 2 weeks - - that's a chance I consciously taking.
  K - readjusted Agenda on today's ppt training. See if I get any feedback.
  Get to sleep in tomorrow. Back to routine. Oh, yes.
 +++++
  Sun Oct 15.17 nm
  Trying to adjust sleep post Dallas - sleep ~10, up @5, back to sleep till 8 - tried for 9, but eh!
  Remembered 2 dreams:
  1.) At work shirtless in baggy tied hippie pants, jobs not done were done by others - no one seemed to even notice I was shirtless. Seemed a little more like Davis Craft Center. Good memories about that place: tool counter, darkroom access (filched paper/film of course), and Jane). Scot and ALRN.
  2.) WEF, authority lady asks me to come with her into bldg, I comply good-naturedly - she says someone complained about a hostile attitude (?), I kept asking for details, what I did - I complain that naturally I'm annoyed by not being informed of what I did, and my annoyance will be used against me as hostility. Several people come and go, brief chats - after chatting with passerby (?), I find myself alone, fuck it - leave room, down hall, out of bldg, into dark UCD WEF Quad - dark, last bands have played... look for a place to park bike...
  Sounds like big changes at work, not being told what's going on, having to hide annoyance are impacting.
  Maybe work on finding an away-from-work space so it is not dominant and self-defining.
  Email to sibs saying I am safe, all respond with thanks and details of own fire situations.
  Talk to Mom for long time - hour? News about work, Dallas, fires etc.
  Sat Mainly weary, chill - mid-afternoon Shattuck sushi - mediocre, even chicken udon - find someplace else - w/tip, udon, dragon roll, sake = $50. For that I ought to enjoy it a lot more - sake was $20 for small bottle & less than nothing special. Pegasus bookstore/groceries on way home -
  Keeping in touch with Eric who's close to fire's edge and massive death and damage.
  Today, big laundry. Would dig to walk, Tilden or even Olampoli, but bad air, and requests that highways be kept clear for responders.
  One of my Frida friends who I barely know but send the old selfies to asked if maybe we could meet someday - said I seemed nice and she likes me art - I don't want to fuck with someone's emotions who sounds lonely; told truth, I'm comfortable sharing my young self so long as she enjoys that, but I'm introverted, never have met any internet friends face-to-face; so not ruled out but would depend on circumstances. Seemed okay at end, but this morning an IM saying she hoped I was not offended. Hmm.
  NMN knew each other bit through our fb pages, each other's art/paintings/Fridas, before we shared last June's vacation photos in real-time (as well as my youthful selfies, and her unexpected bathtub legs), but this other woman, she knows me through my page, but I know virtually nothing about her. So not as comfortable. Learned my lesson w/Lynn R & Lindy D, don't play cute with sex and emotions, words have power. It is easier for me, as a man, to keep them separate. Not that I am unaffected.
  Eric checked in - he's okay - but Saraj's house 80% burned.
  Checked in with Buzznet Bonny - she is having it tough, with relationship problems, brother murdered, hurricane hitting her fam in PR - she appreciated that I wished her well.
  My life is good and easy, even exciting right now - enjoy it while I got it  - the cottage, Buff and DJ, Bain - dream life - I got it for free - my trials may likely come and I'll wish for these days again. This, too, will pass - bad and good both. Don't be cocky, or think I'm special - I just got lucky. Appreciate that luck. Help friends in need. Don't over-do it with distance acquaintances to shine a lit on myself - like Saraj. Karen/Xo are family - keep an eye on those nearest and dearest.
  Mom, Karen, Eric, etc.
  K - phew - Training in Dallas was more intense than expected, I got knocked down a peg - stuff about app I didn't know - updates I need to learn, including training/presenting skills. Do best I can and all will be well.
  I thought I wanted things I did not want - lots of anonymous sex with random women. That is a healthy physical activity. I also wanted emotional connection. I enjoy women. My body/mind/cock wanted it, but it's not for everyone, esp not w/my religious upbringing (tho I played and experimented as much as possible). Be grateful for many naked women I got to spend hours with creating images combining sexual desire with visual tactics and beauty ( as well as lovers). All that nudity is a great gift to both of us, as was Game Theory, friendships, etc etc. I got what I wanted and needed.
  I have natural Irish gloominess + cloud of parents' suffering. But aside that my life is excellent, I am happy. At 63 my mother is alive. Just have to buck myself up every day, like most (?) people.
  Weekly calls to Mom make her day, and mine, too.
  Life is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
  1991 Jenni L
 
 +++++
  Sat Oct 14.17 nm
  End of a long few weeks/months: grief (and body pain) over Gil, no dept head at work, Randy on 10-day vacation, 1-day LA trip controversy, Dallas trip to learn upgrades. new training style. Etc. End of that period. Good. Feeling a bit more relaxed, like myself - I need time to grieve - haven't had it last couple months - . Want some quiet time outside work to be in my life.
  But - don't talk about to much - death is a normal part of everyone's life - when someone asks how I am, to say death of a friend casts a shadow is self-centered - we all have that, we are all bummed born knowing this will end. I'm fine. Actually, compared to so many, my life is really blessed - thousands of homes burned up north, probably hundreds dead - burned to death for fuck's sake.
  I'm good, thanks. How are you?
  Trip to Dallas went well - kind of intense - this training set the goal - we will all learn at diff paces, all have different skills and personalities - shy, hyper, outgoing, etc - no one expects us to get good in an afternoon. Note I say we - already I see us AMER trainers as a group. We are all on the spot. And then we are also sposed to train folks in other offices, and keep an eye on them,, manage them? Seems a bit much! But, I have been getting a bit bored, repetitive training, keeping it interesting for myself by funking it up - so this is good timing and a blessing. All good. Amazing.
  N sent nice pics to "distract me" during training, and we discussed boundaries, needs, pressure, etc - feels better now.
  20yrs ago I was in jail for night, a DUI, deeply depressed, everything (marriage, car, job, self esteem) lost, bottomed out, knowing I would never be a teacher - now I am. Nice hotels, big meals, UBER around town, all expenses paid; my big personality and insecurities (which we all have!!) not stopping me from doing and keeping this cool job.
  Anyway - lots of smoothies - no trips north because of fires - Jane An tee checked in through friend at evacuee shelter - but her house likely gone (?), Eric getting smoked out by likely out of immediate danger, Saraj's house probably gone but don't know yet - we can continue to hope.
  Air was bad, seems better today.
  Sent email to sibs that I'm okay.
  No plans today - rest, call Mom, groceries, laundry, yard - chill - normal life. Nice.
  Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
  1986
 
 +++++
  Tues Oct 10.17 Dal hotel 10:07pm
  Slept decent, up ~7, UBER'd early, couldn't find me, hotel guy drove me - cool - $5 tip - , good breakfast - long day of training
 videotaped a minute, I thought was not terrible - learning some things - heard my 'um's, hand in pocket, waving glasses around - but not bad - could slow down a bit. Practiced with 2 others, took a few times, and good feedback, and did okay. Gonna be more training to be certified, and maybe train other - LA(?) - folks to train the new Core style. Saw some real obscure complex stuff I did not know (Which I did not like) - by end tired, emotional, slightly overwhelmed - but worked through most - back to hotel briefly - Uber to other hotel, walk to good Argentine dinner - one cocktail which I sipped, that was fine. Small talk, then women got to chatting loud and I manly hung back. Everyone is overworked, I/we are no alone, and other offices have even less capacity, fewer GFX folk, more people to support than SF.
 Big fired in norcal, Santa Rosa big news - keeping in touch with Eric.
 All good - naturally I'm anxious, no one likes to be judged or hear criticism - but it's an opportunity to learn! It took a while to become a decent trainer - I can do this, and remember the Jail cell - Jan 7.1997 - I was so damned sad, that I would never be a teacher. This is a gift. Work on it. Do not betray my gift, and the loving support from Karen, Gil, Eric and other friends, who were thrilled and impressed that I turned my life around. I'm doing good. Wrestle with my demons. Do not be embarrassed by my emotions. Embrace change, embrace this opportunity. Tracey is a pro trainer - learn from her. Only a fool would walk way from this - 
  - if I want job security, this is it. High value Resource indeed.
  Okay? Okay!
 +++++
  Mon Oct 9.17 hotel bed DAL 9:42pm 
  Sun pm Mideast salad/Vietnamese soup - simple pack, clothes mainly, toiletries, shower - feeling good, Slept decent - no doubt helped my mental goodness and beautiful 7mile Reyes stroll (good food, exercise, human contact - goodness) - , up ~5:45 - 10am flight, lv ~6:30 - easy BART, reading Elmore Leonard, always good. Pretty easy getting through security - tho I forgot I was wearing watch! "I don't usually wear it!" Cannabis way illegal in TX, take Advils, CBD candies - arm seems to be feeling better tonight - but not pushing it.
 Internet/K IMs & sushi/coffee/raspberry scone at SFO. Easy getting on plane etc - big difference between flying down day of event vs day before. Window closed, music, eye-shades, inflatable pillow the whole way. Found decent earphones in Reyes parking lot - plastic hooks hold buds in ears - used them. SuperCalifragile is eh! but - such a great thing, heartfood.
 Dallas airport cabs would not take voucher - hmp! - paid cash - sign in - get room - pay for internet - take first UBER to Dealy Plaza - walk all around, explore, sit, take photos - ice cream cone at museum store - smaller than it looks/feels in photos. Hot! Good weather tho - UBER drivers friendly - prob there an hour? UBER back to hotel. Walk to CVB(?) for phone charger cord - hang in room - IM Lo. downstairs for chicken sandwich/vodka margarita - bill to room. Whatever. Just do it. Keeping all my receipts.
 Posted Dealy photos to primary page from secondary page. Showered. Almost 10 - alarm set for 7 - pillow case from home. Big fires around Sonoma/Santa Rosa - Saraj may have lost home?!? Bad smoke in Bay Area.
 All good - this is like an all-expense-paid vacation - totally - training, meals, UBERS. Cool. 
 Keep head down and do my job. Something good is coming. Something good is here. I miss Gil. Call Stacey soon.
 +++++
  Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:10pm
  Left ~10:15 for Reyes - stop in Nicasio to chat w/Mike exchange books - brought food, sushi, sandwiches, apple - 7 mile Divide Meadow to Sky & down Wittenberg - ~6-7 miles - perfect day/weather! Sunny warm, light breeze, late summer beginning of Autumn low shadows - Mom called 1/2 way up hill to say look for park pictures in photo albums she sent - I thought call from Mom might be emergency - no - just her wanting contact - emotional emergency - start calling 2x a week - she says she likes hearing about our childhood memories - think about them for her. She is reaching out. Worried?
  Easy drive home. Good way to spend day.
  Week time-out from facebook a good thing - can't be in touch with people during say, away from laptop. Hmm. Break feels good. Hmm.
  So pack - BART to airport - easy - just clothes, and work laptop. No blogging - unless I email myself stuff.
 +++++
  Sun Oct 8.17 hm 6:07pm after Reyes walk phone notes:
  "Note to self here is my note to self it feels like a lot of my life has been making up for my past getting the things I didn't happen I was young building up confidence where I have none getting things like friends in a good job in the drive in income just enjoying the things I need join like being I can be nature and bean okay with myself and so I can let go about doing things to make up for past pain doing things out of the century 7 is not working anymore that's what feels to satisfactory just enjoy doing the things I need joy for sure enjoyed it and also take care of business I want to come to my personal jobs ron if you taking care of your friends and family and taking care of your responsibilities sena nothing you decide to do 100 recreation yeah there's no need question I love you"
  "Fort Bragg I eat plants/v v ytt vb v vb gt made from sunshine I have lived in the sun sunshine my whole life the Sun the ocean the air it's tallcv in mvv Grubb tb w e w force e it's up to me to be my own Sunshine the sunsb hamburger b chauvinism vvb vrview. Vb vm . Ru hine that Sparkles and tickles my senses is another thing it's like food feels great but it's all in me also I did not fail to save gills life everybody dies is not a failure its normal Finchvr N tt:cannonball u g I By"
 +++++
  Sun Oct 8.17 nm
  Sleep ~10 - up @4:40? dropper of CBD/THC tincture - back till ~7:20 - decent sleep, but maybe some pot grogginess from tincture? Either way, dress, pack food, pbj, apple, salad etc - Pt Reyes - 7 mile? Could. All I got to do tonight is put some clothes in a suitcase. Training stuff, flight/hotel info in bag w/laptop - how to get to SFO? UBER or BART.
  Not very mobile right now - but don't want to sit around in town all day - no - 8:30 now - leave at 9, morning stroll - nice. Could always do Sky trail or even 5 Brooks - decide later. Could do Olampoli, then backroads - always nice - many choices - but a standard 5-7 miles Bear-Sky always beautiful esp this time of year. Tire me out so sleep well tonight. Nice.
  4 easy days in TX - I get hyper/over-stimulated around groups. Try not to draw attention to myself, and don't drink! Deep breath. Step outside for fresh air as necessary. No talking to younger woman flirtatiously/charmingly as if I'm still 30. I'm an old man to them - 63 - old - no sexual interest, no charm - they do not want it. Relax, I'll be fine.
  2 days off all to myself. Like all workers - work hard, rest refresh on weekend, back to work. We working-class types all same, but I work at a good place, friendly, relatively cool bosses, lots of perks, free food & drink, time to do own work on company machinery (scans/video), not to mention people-people clients and lovely views.
  I'm intelligent - but not that sharp, partially because I lack self-confidence, assume I'll have trouble, shut down a bit and learn slowly from within, learn from doing - like they all say they do!. But I do learn, get enjoy done, excel(!). We all learn our own ways, I say that to trainees, say it to myself - fact that I learn my own way does not mean I'm dumb or dull - just means I learn my own way, and am intelligent. Yay. See! I'm smart enough - earn to trust myself.
  It's all good. A great challenge - I learn app, job, also learn to trust, respect, love, enjoy, understand myself more. Do it.
  Now - fresh air and sunshine. Cool!
 +++++
  Sat Oct 7.17 home 7:45pm
  After nm, ~noon BB salad in yard - yum! - yeh, perfect life - beautiful weather! Call Mom for ~1hr - IM'ing w/Nur - Bank for quarters, first walk to chocolate gelato cone walking to book store, slice of NY pizza pepperoni/onions/pineapple walking back to car - bank closed 2pm, not 3, on Sat - no quarters. Clean garbage out of Cammie, fill window washer.
  Looks like she needs other fluids replenished - power steering and coolant.
  Sit at home - chill out man, rest the body soul and mind - ~4 nap stick, whap! out for a deep dreaming hour w/door open. Walk to Bowl, stop at dispensary for hi CBD candy & tincture. Is it bullshit, is it placebo? Not sure - but - checking it out.  Dropper full of 3:1 tincture - not feeling a thing. Wake up baby - you're wasting money on a mindfuck. Buy a pretty medallion and meditate on that.
  Chop more off pile of orange-flowered vines on trunk so not on street and won't hit mirrors. Vietnamese soup & bread dinner - yummy! Got salad/sushi/sandwich/apple for Reyes tomorrow - don't *have* to do Reyes - Choice between doing what will leave me rested for trip to Dallas vs. what I love and will take my mind off work and make me feel good. well, do 5 miles, stroll, sit, enjoy. Whatever - 7 if I'm feeling wild! Haven't gone through Dallas stuff - might be leaving that all got the last moment? Sigh.
  Arm pain comes and goes at unusual times - movements - now - shower, high, videos, Duke Nuk'em 3D walkthroughs! Be here now. Kiss the joy as it flies.
 +++++
  Sat Oct 7.17 nm 8:45am
  oh yum - I am reminding myself that it has been along two weeks, new AC photos & training, LA VC training, Randy out (and Jeff quit so 3 instead of 5 staff), open 7am every day, not knowing what to expect job-wise, multi-day visio-to-ppt job etc - I am tired - not single mother with 2 jobs tired, - but a bit worn - Dallas next week - that'll be fine, but it'd be ideal to be fresh.
  Sleep ~10 last night - Stilton+bread snack! :-D - woke ~5:30, forced myself to stay in bed regardless - comfy - slept again till ~8am - ~10hrs - a good start. Mind feels better - rested. Easy today - prep Dallas stuff - quarters - bit of yard work - Sun maybe 5-7-mile Reyes - something I enjoy, that's healthy & healing for me. Did Mendo coast & sushi w/Eric last Sun.
  Posted 1st nude polaroid of Jenni to private page - someone finked? Why otherwise do they care about private pages? It's perverse! Blocked for a week - not a big prob except it also blocks Messenger IMs - that *could* be an issue - but! - I only got this phone in what? March? Did w/out IMs before that - I'll be fine.
  Facebook break is good - no pain - no prob. I'm there for the IMs really, yeah. Can't change private page to 'me only'; removing people 1-by-one - but feel okay about it this time - 3-day time-out ~2 weeks ago - thought of ending group hurtful/sad, now maybe had time for it idea to sink in. It was great. Peak experience. Now it's over - so it's okay to let go. I'll still be able to see it and enjoy the threads. A classy end.
  Among other things, it started after Scott died, there was an interest in his friends, collaborators, my photos outside band shots - the Photo Robert mythos: The Nudes - curiosity, of course - lots of people knew I shot nudes (including maybe of band members!?), it was part of Scott/ Davis/ Game Theory history - for some small groups:, Gil, art friends, Scott fans - there was small by significant interest.
  It worked out well for me, to show my best work - 'See? I'm good!' - , them mediocre, then stuff I just like, fills in the cracks, here was my oeuvre, my body of work. And ~250+ people - maybe a hard core of ~150 saw, enjoyed and commented on them. So fucking cool for me. I am fortunate indeed. I found courage to show them, class not to defend them - let them sink or swim on their own - to see value of 'imperfect' work.
  People met - my network, momentarily held together by Scott grief. Then Gil grief - tho I haven't posted much since Jan.
  "I'll be hiding this page probably end of day today - have a last look, download your faves etc etc - it's been a great run, thanks for all the comments etc - as a creative type, this has been a peak experience -"
  
Time to let go and move on.
  New fancy touch-screen laptop for DAL. Visit Dealy Plaza Mon after hotel? With my 17 yrs experience it ought to go fine.
  Thurs After-work Chinatown stroll watching Blue Angel stunts close above - got SF vest, grabbed large, she said, no, extra large. Oh. Small is children, medium slender  adult, large normal adult, ex-large plump adult - that is me - I am not slender. Not obese tub of lard, but big. So okay. Let go. Accept. I walk a lot. Eat pretty healthy (snack, tho). Been having great digestion lately, wonder if bowl of sugar-coated wheat checks & yogurt is helping?
  DJ recording w/Mimi Fox and also working at Unitarian place - busy!
  So - all okay? Harlequin from Mendo working well, should have got more.
  Couple Advil/day (plus CBD candies) seem to be helping left upper arm muscle (?) pain - did some visualization this morning (make pain dark blue and let it sep out, replaced by pink then white); I felt whole body relax as I did this. Last couple weeks had trouble getting arm comfortable in bed, night and morning - that seems to be better, and more mobility, reaching back left in bed to turn off lamp. working on it.
  Okay: Gil dead. Sooz in Oregon. Karen in UK. Less facebook, no phone IM, no private photo page. I've been withdrawn (in pain, sensitive) since Gil died - that has affected Buff/DJ interactions - work on letting go and being more with them - it's more fun for all of us.
  Call Stacey about lunch today? Call Mom.
  Life is good. It's always been understood that all things pass. This, too, will pass.
  All love. Bring all love into me. All peace and headlining. Think positive. Life is good. I am fortunate in so many ways.
  And many people who I think of as friends of sorts - people I would help if they called upon me, who might do same for me - Fred, Dave, Nan, Donnette, Dan, Joe - not proper friends - but shared experiences and maybe good friends in the past.
 +++++
  Wed Oct 4.17 laundry 5:45pm
  Next Mon fly to Dallas - food hotels networking learning challenges etc - cool - be happy - this is a good life - it's what I wanted and more - hippie cottage, yard, artsy housemates, friends, health, relationship with Mom etc.
  Reminded Buff/trunk key location is to move Cammie on street-sweeping day.
  Mon did 15 photos welcome flyers, Tues train 15 ACs 9-12 -  I was a tiny bit concerned because they were mainly women, nice looking smart young women - but I forgot all about it once training; think it went well. Tired when I got home - sitting, phone rang, had forgot about Sooz call! haha - drink remaining Brandy - a bit tipsy, talked about lots of stuff. Her upcoming surgery, yard, deaths, suicide, me getting my head around Gil's dying, death, death of retirement fantasy, keeping head down and doing job to keep job. There is no end.
  Getting through jobs, tomorrow/Thurs focus on Dallas prep - bring files - get updated laptop - fancy new one w/touch screen. Uber to SFO - keep track. Keep track of all expenses in organized way. Little black book? How? Clipped together by date?
  Sleeping somewhat better - taking Advil, noticed more flexibility and less pain this morning. Still there, some restricted movement  - left arm can't reach up behind back - les time and mental energy for IM'ing w/K, & L, nor Nur. But hope to get refocused after all this mess and Randy back at work etc.
  K - laundry prob dry - when it gets like this, at work - sometimes it's easy and I can slide through, and sometime it feels like it's my whole life. Okay - but - I hated Big Shot, yet it allowed me to shoot, develop, print my own nudes/art stuff and also band pics, including back cover of BSC etc etc. It worked for me. I didn't hate the work maybe - but did dislike boss - tho others told me there was way worse. Okay okay. Poor bastard. I'm no angel. So much film, polaroid film, scans of Becky naked - Beate, DJ others - made it my own party pad, nighttime drinking, snorting, massaging Becky.
  K - life is good, I'm coming out of my post Gil-death funk - Mendo weekend helped - think of it as therapy, get that hotel, maybe a third day now and then.
 +++++
  Mon Oct 2,17 hm 6:45pm
  Sun after Bragg cafe & MacKerricher, gas up, stroll north from lot to headlands, windy but very nice, blue bright ocean a deep green-blue - oh, yeah! - dispensary for Harlequin & other hi-CBD flower/1-10 & 1-1 candies, tho I feel basically nothing from, them - they're magic - placebo - lv town ~2:45, msg Eric, ez drive, SR ~4:45m chat, pizza place on corner we've been wanting to try closed shot down - eh!? - try TV show Guy Fieri (?) - American versions of Asian/Mexican etc foods - big portions, couple mixed drinks - e not into it at first, but relaxed/came around - maybe helped I had resolved some stuff in Mendo, about getting real about "retirement' and death etc. Early 60s existential crisis somewhat resolved in the main.
  I know I'm going to die. We all are.
  I know retirement is not the fantasy lifestyle promised on childhood TV.
  At work, keep head down and do your job. I am not special. I am not owed anything.
  Drive home easy - didn't get to sleep till 10:30 - not much juice, brain half asleep still - quick nap at home, Rockridge my new boring middle class sterile sushi & groceries place - sushi boat $25 & berries from faux upscale corner mart.
  Photos of 15 new hires this morning - no juice during or after - sleep has been spotty, last night was okay - but maybe shoot for 8-9hrs tonight, after shower.
  Tues short hours 'cause Randy gone 2 weeks, 8-11 - I train 9-12. Go in at 8, but could do 7 if I'm inclined to leave early, do laundry, or rest.
  Yeah? Yeah.
  Dishes, shower, bed 8:30 - sleep 9:30 - let's do this.
 +++++
  Sun Oct 1.17 Headlands cafe 11am
  No sense trying to recall roaming Mendo day - msg'ing pics to NMM all day, Odd fellows gallery, nice stuff, too windy on coast to hang much, eat & nap in car at main lot, quick visit to north headlands - actually very nice, low tide, beautiful - sunny all day, not overcast as weather page implied, wispy wind blown clouds - art Center on way back, groceries: lunch buffet, Odwalla, sandwich, conditioner, Advil (for arms).
  Bragg, galleries, tattoo museum, hotel - chill 2hrs - head unwinding all day - not bad tho, just tired brain - ~6:30 back to Mendo for 7pm sunset - couple hits of Gil's remaining bud - great stuff, no mental high, but visuals better - simple sunset on south headlands - wander quite a bit, finally make it to good head space, happy, fulfilled, enjoying where and what I am - grateful. Sit in car long time, crossed leg, Mendo dark chocolate bar as evening falls and horizon glows - yes, good, so long as I can feel that good, that much pleasure, then I'm okay.
  Internet till ~10pm, sleep till ? then Snooze, thwacking noise on roof - up~6, snooze/sleep till 8:30 - smoothie, cheese crackers, hotel coffee, shower, pack out ~10.
  MacKerricher - sunny, windy but not bad at all! Lovely. Stroll wood path till end, south to back path through pine grove, double back to coast, north to inner wood path - barefoot -
  - concluded: I am taking wrong message from Gil saying he worked too long - only quit when situation calls for it! Like if you're dying. My job is good and has many benefits - change is good, life is change - challenges are good, keep life from getting stale. New hub-spoke will present a challenge, I will be working with more talented people, but I will have skills and experience above others: training, themes, vid edit, photoshop, etc. It will balance out. This is reality. Vacation is not reality, life decisions should not be based on that experience. Vacation is release from work pressure - release is pleasurable. It's where you're at, not where you are. Thought it all through - choose my battles: I have no fight with work, Taf, Jeff, Iain etc - they are doing their jobs and are gone. Same as Dad No value in re-fighting those old dead fights, beating that dead horse. 1-day LA trips battle was won by me fair and square. Now let go. No one is coming for me. Don't fight. Don't hold onto resentments because I had to fight. Old. Tomorrow is another day. Start anew. Clean slate. Life is hard. There will be fights. After the fight - let go. Randy is an optimist, I am a skeptic, we are both right ~50% of the time. Let it go. Hell is other people.
  Etc.
  Blackbean burrito & coffee at Headlands. Now to Mendo coast, then home.
  Life is good. yes, Say it! Life is good. Death is in it. Death is part of life. I was not here - now for a brief moment I am in this form, molded by this society, they told me what to dream, how to rebel, what arguments to have - let go, break free, use whatever tricks are necessary. Even religion, maintaining my right to healthy skepticism.
  Feeling better - all the parts fit - it's not always easy to let go and not be resentful, but I know it's best when I can.
  Work stuff is not my fault, or my responsibility to fix - do the best I can and keep my head down. This is a great job. 1.5 more years and I can retire, keep my job, and have Medicare. Life moves on.
  Life is change. Get on it.
 +++++
  Sat Sept 30.17 Boonville
  Booked room, got Uber, got everything under control - Nomad closed @7:15, coffee/bathroom in Cloverdale, espresso/cinnamon roll in bville, mental state not bad, some unraveling of course, but mainly good perspective - re work: do my job and keep my head down - new organization, centralized hub-spoke, work may get more intense, less direct contact with people I'm doing jobs for (if working for other offices) - may need enhances job skills - will presumably still be doing training, photos, themes - all seems do-able -
  - missing Nomad was good, got out earlier than usual, which is what I really wanted, no traffic, low morning sun - beautiful 128 drive - breathing into it - bringing on serenity - fresh air, sunshine, green and tan rolling hills, tree-shaded smooth roads.
  K in LON under terrible stress, sad about S&G.
  Gils death is existential crisis for me - not only confronted finally by death, seeing it happen, not being able to stop it - throwing money at death is nothing - throwing it at life makes our living moments better, more fulfilling, meals, sushi memories. And his words "I should have quit work earlier." burn, feed resentment. So - Gil's death slap, and - at same time slowly acknowledging that I will work till I die, I will likely not retire, that was a dream sold us to keep us working hard. Then retirement age arrives and boom - we knew it all along - bullshit. They painted a dreamy gray-haired white people in a beach house, and it was an illusion we, I clung to. Here is reality. work till you die or live in poverty of a trailer park.
  Okay. There is not win. Maybe Eric & I can do a thing. Or move back to WV to be near sibs. Might have to do that. Reality.
  10:30 - fucking beautiful day - web said windy, cloudy coast - valley is windy and clear/sunny.
  Thank you Sooz for the car - Ariel? Sooz II?
  Illusions dissolve - but a trip to the coast is worthwhile always, bring food with me to keep expense mainly to coffee, gas, hotel - good.
 +++++
  Fri Sep 29.17 hm 7:55m
  7am W-F, not bad, a bit zombified, but getting used to it, and work not too busy. Also, I'm finding getting out, home early has advantages - sushi Wed pm, groceries -
  - checked hotel prices, thought about timing - $115 now - down to $76 later in winter - I get $200+ meals for Eric & I - spend some on myself! Once I booked room I was happy, I want it so bad I could cry - miss my friend: coast, who I am there - happiness, peace, enjoyment. Don't care if it rains and cold - fuck it - Bragg & Mendo, yes. BB for berries, NE clam chowder dinner - mmm.
  Work stuff worked out - over nights if I do LA, VidConf training do-able in a big way - still awaiting feedback -, DAL flight/hotel booked, signed up for UBER tonight - that should make Dallas easier - maybe for SFO? Got info for I need to do before trip - laptop with new app, bring pre-made slides to update - cab voucher. A sense of being myself, standing up for myself, being a cog - sure - but not being pushed around, an important cog, to be respected, not bullied.
  Iain called mtg to discuss upcoming changes - regional north Am network, hub and spoke - interesting! After we chatted about the LA vid conf training, that was a good conversation. Friendly. Good to clear the air.
  Lots of balls in air - now things are done and I feel less afraid, next week before Dallas trip might not be good for overnight Mendo - maybe more Sonoma& Sat sushi w/Eric? Maybe this weekend drive down coast Sun.
  Anyway - I feel good enough - have food - have been getting up early - laundry next week.
  This is a good sign: Mendo, wanting to give myself this gift, perspective on $120, the pleasure and healing I get from it. Oh, baby. Look into some decent indica. Walk around Headlands oh yeah.
  IMd w/K about helping with holiday visit, maybe helping with Xo's plane ticket when TED sends her to Barc. I'm @ 54, so can help, dollar strong so bad imbalance, but what matters matters.
  IMs w/NMM about her new painting, pics of Embarcadero view, drawing.
  Missing Gil - so sad. And still struggling a bit to regain sense of staying put being good - desire to run, to not work forever - yeah - we all get that - and you do your best to make peace with the system, and accept that my situation is still VERY fortunate, with a good job and low rent in the Bay Area - and it could end any time. This breath is all I have - there is no past, and no future - past is a memory, future is a dream - this is good - and that is amazing! Enjoy it now and then. hahahah.
  Okay? Okay.
  Getting UBER is a good sign - that I'm moving forward, and accepting the path I'm on. And pushing back on 1-day Fri training trips says something - not sure exactly what - willingness to stand up for myself because I love and care for myself? And do it professionally.
  Also, missed 2 lunches because of training - claimed CAL missed-lunch OT when I sent in hours, plus some OT. See how they like that. It's the law. Ought to be fine. I've not claimed it as a matter of dept. policy for years.
 +++++
  Wed Sep 26.17 nm
  7am to work next couple weeks, no prob - I think next week new hires - today was okay, very slow in morning, and leaving 3:30 cool.
  Bit tuckered, ~6 drive to Rockridge sushi boat - that's gun, like toys in bathtub - $25 sushi, sake - then fancy grocery place: Stilton, crackers, berries, Mex choc bar. During sushi thought part of pleasure of $$ is sharing, I have not been tithing while rebuilding savings post Stacey support and prepping for K house support. But I've given Eric some cash/plus music fest etc. K waiting for move when she may need large infusion.
  Talked to Sooz 2hrs, op, maybe hysterectomy - stressful, month(s) to recuperate.
  My life is good for now - normal work stress does not make my life bad, or any worse than anyone else's. and it's better than most. No whining, No negativity. No self-pity. I have all I need, no bad vices, good job, yard, network of friends. I lost two friends which almost entirely diminishes that music network - Scott and Gil were the heart. As I unfollow so many of that scene, the empty space hurts.
  Don't be surprised about Nan - she disappeared for almost 20yrs!, and only with great effort from me did we reconnect - no surprise that when I stopped giving, I stopped getting. One-way street. Bummer. It was never there.
  Friends make life bearable.
  Chats with Nmm - fun! Artist! Cool! At times close to the edge of flirting, but - I had a moment of clarity - that I need to be cool about it. Don't play games, romantic or otherwise - play it straight. Let any photos or flirting if any evolve organically.
  So, yeah - nice clothes, sushi dinner, nice car - compared to 1997 Siouxie - fancy cheese and organic berries. What  more luxury do I need? Financial security would be nice - who doesn't want that? A little $$ if always desirable. I'm doing okay in my income bracket. Life is change, and broadly speaking change is good.
  Okay - bla bla - all good? Yes. I can do this - 2 weeks early in work days, Dallas in October. Video conferences, overnight trips to LA, lead PPT trainer on West Coast. Cool. I've trained virtually every person in SF. This is wildly better than I'd have guessed or hope for from life. Wallow, enjoy, celebrate - accept that I am a competent adult. And live. Kiss the joy as it flies.
  Shower at night. Lunch early - waiting till 2 for 1/2 price buffet/snacking meantime left me a bit brain dead.
  This weekend - Bragg? Is price low yet?
 +++++
  Tue Sep 26.17 nm
  Parri posted a timely article about distancing yourself from stressful events - at a glance: think about how someone else would see it, think about how it will look in the future - I'm making work stress personal as if I am being put upon - 1-day LA trips stared this: I felt we/I were being treated less well than those above - (along with e.g., not being invited to CSS events) -
  Print article, take advice  -pull back, get out of myself and my mind, do job as well as I can, focusing on what do I need to do to look back and feel good about it. Other times work has been stressful, afterward I have been able to look back and say I did well. Same here. There's no dout in my mind I will someday look back at  this time and next few weeks when Randy is gone plus trip to Dallas and training afterward, say yeah, I kicked ass, was well-respected, did a great job and was appreciated for it. Job security.
  I've been pushing back on giving credit card, and yesterday was also feeling like not giving Bank Card - but go ahead and do that - meet them halfway. I do not have an available credit card. I do have a bank card. Go ahead and use it. Fuck it. I hope to be at this job for the next 4-5 years, so do this thing. Yes.
  Trump is such a cunt - but I suppose one must accept the vote etc, white middle America didn't like all those black folks in the White House - so now their time to strut and bray, like libtards did - fair enough - but they're failing to end Obamacare, failing at tax breaks for wealthy etc etc etc - fail fail fail, and internationally Trump is seen as an ignorant half-mad buffoon - so there's that. He couldn't lead the world out of a wet paper bag.
  K - in @7am next two weeks, morning photos and training early next week, then two weeks from now hahahaha - - I go to Dallas while Randy gone - 3 days with just 2 fully trained folks. Cool. If we are all dong the best we can, we'll come out of this smelling like roses.
  Boom :-D. It's called work. we all have to do it. And none of us like it exactly. I like my job and am good at it. So fucking hang onto it.
  These mornings - sitting in cottage this morning > nice things I do for myself without thinking, of course I give myself good things that show self-love and care - rocking chair, with my fruit smoothie, thanks to Karen for inspiration and blender > and these mornings at Nomad - maybe walking'd be healthier(?), but this quiet time with coffee, view of neighborhood Shattuck traffic, familiar counter help > this is healthy, too  mentally and physically, relaxing, time to let mind awaken slowly.. it's good... I cherish these times, those smoothies, my yard - a few minutes even in it - eating, smoothie, the yard work last weekend - yes - plus calls to my Mom, I'm 63, she is what 93? Still mentally good - no more scattered of mind than I am e.g., without say enough sleep. We are lucky to have this time. Making up for decades when I was avoiding Dad's anger, judgment and denial - his mental illness.
  Now is good. I can sometimes let go of all. Generally I am free of the anger from earlier years. Mainly my habits are healthy. I do the best I can.
  Okay - oddly relaxed about today's video conference ppt training - no reason to think it'll go poorly - and actually, I'm excited to try it! Wrote up the agenda, sent handouts, files on LA shared drive - it ought to go well! It's fun to try something new, the same old training year after year is - getting a little stale - harder to get yup my enthusiasm - still, pinch myself > I was overnight in a jail cell, unemployed, marriage failed, no future, nothing, and age 42, nothing to show for it ... I wanted to be a teacher so bad > and now I have this opportunity. Do everything I can to hang onto it. Go ahead and give my cc #. Don't be an asshole. Don't attract negative attention. The nail that stands up gets hammered down.
  It is dog-eat-dog out there - respect myself, don't let myself be bullied, but also don't be foolish for ego's sake. Choose my battles.
  Yeah yeah yah.
  yes. thank you. be good today. always do my best.
 +++++
  Mon Sep 25.17 nm
  I note that I'm mentally prepared for work (Ran gone for 2 weeks, Jeff gone - short-staffed) - do the best I can - mistakes will be made, jobs will be pushed back or turned away - I will do my best, and come home, and that's how to be invulnerable. If I'm doing the best I can, then all else that is not my doing falls away, not on my shoulders. That is true of everything.
  K's life upside-down while house sold, looking for new job etc.
  Upper-left arm pain getting a bit worse?
  Not much Sunday - at end of day restless, but made decision not to do Tilden - wanted to rest body: After long IM w/NMM about rope, sex, experiences with ex-lovers, heated up Vietnamese soup ate w/bread - yum!! - called Mom, long talk, Assisted Living etc, Anne's thyroid surgery, Beth's cooking - , yard work, front chopped big orange berry bush, hard trim around sidewalk orange flower pile on stump - it's almost one big rectangle, chopped Buffacados, pulled out tomato/cucumber remains, chopped datura so no window blockage, raked avocado leaves etc - looks better - million dollar house down street, wanna keep our place impeccable - because it says something about occupants, tho Buff&DJ don't seem to believe that, or it's just not on their radar.
  Sat around, internet, ~6:30 Bowl groceries - read Young Lust underground comic collection - that was worth a re-visit - funny wild sexy stuff.
  So really: long interesting NMM chat about sexual/romantic experiences, lunch, Mom, long out-off front yard work, groceries, dishes, cleared out garbage - all in all, the cottage looks better, woke up in it feeling good. Missed a Tilden walk in beautiful time of year, but body needed rest. Emails with Eric about music and Sat sushi. etc. yes. Good day.
  Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 +++++
  Sun Sep 24.17 home 12:53pm
  Shared JAA story w/NMM: "back to the rope business - sometimes I wanted to make love to her body - she got restless and wanted to be doing things to me at the same time - sometimes I would tie her hands above her head, so she had to lay back and enjoy - and I could entirely focus on what I was enjoying"
  Beautiful late summer day - want to get out to gardening - first:
  Fri setting up hotel and such for Dallas trip - sold out! Hahah - whatever can go wrong will - no problem - I am competent, in end it will all work out.
  Sat slept pretty well - it helps that things like hotel & flight, taxi vouchers, and trips to LA are being taken care of - lessens anxiety - tho there's still some morning "Agh! What if this or that!" But it will be okay. I am competent, and will learn by doing, and in the end it'll be considered a success by all. First Toolbox training via vid conf Tues afternoon - ready for that.
  Sat up early'ish with plans for sushi w/Eric ~4 - weary of mind, but body pretty rested - to avoid heavy afternoon traffic, lv town 9:10am, w/clothes, laptop, pbj - easy drive, beautiful morning - mind playing old loops, esp about bullying (Taf & such) - I have bullying issues - 
  Breakfast burrito & coffee/laptop @Gville - nice - coast perfect - sunny & mild - Goat Rock turnoff, 1st parking lot, up hill & down to coast, past rock formations - wearing Mexican sandals, sort of loose, one blister, not bad - pics to NMM & Lo. ~1.5 miles south to end of wooden walkways - excellent - stop at & walk labyrinth, take pics of offerings, video for Xo.
  Time it perfectly - IM Eric about timing, stop in Gville for espresso - nice - life is good - easy drive to SR, chill for 20mins at his place, to Osake, yum! great sushi as always, cedar sake, Kobe beef - ~$250 - we like it expensive. Good food is where we splurge. Even Gville music fest revolves around good meals together.
  Easy drive home - physically good and rested - mentally a bit tired, but that's okay.
  Sleep till 6, snooze deep till ~9 - Nomad - long IM w/N about some pics I sent (Frida porn tied up), talking about various rope play - Shibari, heavy vs. light, pain vs. pleasure - managed language barriers - brought up JAA, how she was my first real love so we experimented with many sexual things because we trusted each other: rope, anal, French ticklers, exhibitionism - but after her I realized I think I didn't do rope any more. Discussed JAA a bit - her Jap-Mex heritage and shared film stills, explaining she looks so different now, and the pic is not very revealing, otherwise I would not share out of privacy concerns.
  At my gentle request, he told me long tale about recent lover who was very selfish, again managing language barriers, and frank intimacies about what he would and would not do. But glad we are at that point she is comfortable sharing, and I am not all about titillation. Letting it evolve organically.  Be cautious about her privacy here.
  Now home - $M+ house down street - this is a desirable neighborhood - pressure to keep house/yard beautiful/tidy so as not to attract negative attention. Amd call Mom.
 
 +++++
  Thu Sep 21.17nm
  Gonna be a busy 2 weeks (starting next week) at wk w/Randy out on vacation, trainings, etc, followed hard upon by 3 days in Dallas for updated app/styles. Whatever - let go - not so much work stuff here - more life - work is probably not interesting long-term. Did get word from R that overnight trips to LA are okayed, expenses set aside - bring in temp - no one available, too bad. Presumably word got through to B that they were indeed treating me differently, burning me out and that could not be justified. Okay - so, good.
  Common sense kicked in.
  Cooling off, dark at 8 - groceries after work - kind of nice. Still restless sleep - what can I do - a lot is work-related:
  1-day LA trip apparently being resolved (tho of course, as I suspected, no one told us/me): Good
  Dallas hotel & plane ought to be worked out by EOD today - make 100% certain it is paid for in advance,
  Get driver app on my phone for trip to airport and back. Find out how to do billing.
  Look at pages from Tracey N about upcoming changes to app & style - I have no grasp of it - get that clear in my head will also help.
  Then relax - I can do it - I have done it! I know how. Training is my job, makes me highly valuable so job is secure. Takes me out of daily production work. LA peeps shared some mildly negative feedback from about July training - unstructured/not enough charts - I did not do that training.
  Haha - all about work still - but good - ways to put it on back bench, not front row -
  K may lose one of her 2 jobs, also have to move - maybe E has to take X fulltime. Yikes.
  S went in for bits surgery Wed  - she was angry/worried - I told her everything would be okay, maybe she was crying, I had too much brandy/ somewhat hungover yesterday.
  Some confusion about WV/Mom/Assisted Living - Shirley/Anne/Mary planned visit for Mary without telling Mom? WTF? Also won't inform us of details. Leave it be. I stated my position in shared emails - Joan agreed, and Beth - feels like a division in the ranks: Mary/Anne/Shirley vs. Beth/Me/Joan - don't know Tom's position. Well, that's all I know. I stand ready to help. Nothing else matters.
  Good mornings to Nu - sharing this and that - shared my early pornographic Fridas with her. She sent detailed macros of her nude self-portrait rained-on large painting.
  If my friends prosper I am envious - but not really - if they suffer I feel insecure. Pay more attention to my own life and well-being.
  Respect myself and don't let myself be bullied.
  Near end of E Leonard's Glitz - great fun as always, you can count on this guy to be great.
  Don't worry - be happy - take care of business - procrastinating, avoidance only caused anxiety - get on it - breath, love, be positive. Wank, shower, eat, sleep, enjoy entertainment, avoid politics. Avoid over-thinking about work. That job is mine for as long as I want it. I chose it, I want it, just do it and live live live.
 +++++
  Wed Sep 20.17 nm
  Sooz going in for maybe surgery today - keep her in prayers - 2hr phone last night, I finished most of flask of brandy - tipsy - lots of water, one Advil, no food, sleep ~11:30? Many x up to pee, drink water - seem to be okay. Looked into DAL hotel yesterday, arrangements with DAL for office visit form etc, today set up flight - WL has to pay for them in advance. Hold fast. They do it or I don't have to go. They do not respond to emails etc. WTF?
  All the big stress about no ! day LA trips - because - saying no means jostling massive efforts I've made to be indispensable - it's risking a lot - my truest wish I suppose to to keep this job forever. Financial "security", status, way to fill time, define myself, etc.
  Anyway - R will be gone for ~10 days? That week will be tough, but just say 'I'm basically alone this week, go in at 8' - do not freak out. Be friendly sympathetic clear and firm. Make them feel good about being turned down. Hahahahah.
  K may lose job & house. Sooz in surgery. NMM sending paintings - Tues I shared some early sexual Fridas no one else has seen (cunnilingus, bondage, anal), explaining that while looking for Frida pics for Montages, I read many articles and came to a new understanding, admiration and respect, and did more serious montages.
 +++++
  Tues Sep 19.17 nm
  Mellowing out at work - abbreviated hours while R & I out in Oct - general understanding that I will not be doing 1-day Fri trips, video conf training is option, it's resolved as it's ever gonna be. So I can relax. Cool. My internal fight is played out, whatever that was about. No word back from WL HR, but ball is solidly in their court. Anything else comes up, it's their baby.
  Posting nudes to private page - no hassle/time-outs yet - must've been that HS girl I added without asking - so my fault.
  Some people never grow up - what does that mean? A character in E Leonard's Glitz - you don't have to have a family to grow up - but maybe it means buckling down and acknowledging areas where steps can be taken towards full responsibility for myself/my life - some things can't be taken care of - unpredictables - health - but no I'm insured and all, and have worked hard to make myself high-value and indispensible at work. Could work harder on family - but - family is tough for everyone. I'm fine.
  Daddy issues at work - yes, job/system is Daddy - but it's a machine, we are all in, so don't take nothing personal - self employed you're your own daddy, own boss, I hear it's extra hard. Welcome to the machine. Leave personal issues at door.
  Cool blue mildly melancholy end of summer days, dark before 8pm, overcast - lovely tho.
  Bed late, up early > shower smoothie - call Sooz tonight.
  Life is good, Yes, Thank you. Good. Today will be good. Be good today.
 +++++
  Mon Sep 18.17 nm
  This is my life, sitting at Nomad w/Cappuccino, after shower/smoothie, yard check - chilling, checking fb - no more writing about work unless it is something new. Let work take care of work. Leave it at work. Let go - work at it - let go every day all the time.
  Sat mideast salad in backyard, called Mom, IM w/K & NMM, laundry, Rockridge sushi boat dinner, BB groceries.
  Sun didn't sleep well, tense, restless mind - stayed in bed till ~9, pbj/salad - head for Reyes > Nicasio > box of CDs for Mike to look through before book shelf > Pt Reyes Station for sandwich/coffee drink/apple > use park restroom (digestion discomfort lately, good to get that done) > Meadow trail to Wittenberg - took side trail through field, lovely views of Drake's Bay > perfect weather, late summer hot sun cool breezes sun just beginning to get lower > sat, meditated looking at Drake's, stretched left arm w/pinched nerve (?), rested in grove > easy walk, beautiful day - mind working overtime about work - slowly getting a grasp of how much it is about me, pushing back, fighting, wanting to win, insisting on being respected > on the 'rightness' of my position.
  Reciting serenity prayer > I can't change the system > I can change my perceptive and attitude, watch out after my own health > considered "I care for you" diety at work but maybe I am my own, caring for myself - stretching my arm, thinking healthy positive affirmations > last night & this morning massaging soothing balm into top left arm pain point > might be helping?
  Upcoming Dallas training will be fun. I will do my bit well. Imperfect at first > better with experience. It is not my whole life > when I leave it is my life. Enjoy. :-)
  I thought, yesterday, while stressing, at Nicasio: I am headed to Reyes, just dropped CDs off with Nicasio person, IM'ing with K (photos from rock show), and NMM (detailed discussion erotic book plate I shared, one of who's bodies looks like hers). How cottage w/Buff & DJ keeps us in contact with K > how it's all good and interconnected. Don't worry. Be happy.
  Breath. Heal myself. Be good to myself. Don't worry about future or past > if I'm doing well right now, then life is good. Kiss joy as it flies.
  Sexy IMs w/L in evening.
  work stress is real - maybe valiums from doc for Dallas trip, to help me sleep?
  Life is good - I am healthy, sane, energetic > 5 miles up Wittenberg yest, plus sitting meditation, laying in grove, brought good food with me, properly dressed and prepared. And schedule was flexible - got there ~1? Didn't even check time. This tells me things are going well, and many problems I think I'm facing are in my mind. Iain is another cog in machine, doing his job, I am doing mine, ino right nor wrong, no moral issues, no abuse > just me saying
  'Hey! This part is about to break, ease a bit! Here's an alternative solution. That's my job - to inform them. I have done my job. Now up to them. Don't prepare to argue any more > I am over-prepared and upsetting myself for nothing. There's no gain, no benefit in upsetting myself anymore. Let's see what they do.
  Yes. Breath deep. I am loved and cared for. Losing Gil & Sooz moving away is a hard loss, and I feel more vulnerable and lonely - but there is still much good in my life. Stacey and Gil's family's pain is way worse, just for perspective. Don't overplay my hand in my own head. My life is good.
  Yes. Good. Be good today.
 
 +++++
  Sat Sep 16.17 nm
  Wk early & alone Wed/Thur w/both R&afternoon guy out  (sick Dad/headache respectively) - tiring, stressful, got it all done. Reminds me I am not only one with problems - plus just had 4-day relaxing weekend w/Eric, so had energy. OT, too - we are no longer struggling to keep it to 8hrs/day - let it pile up - that will help w/moral and balance lack of raises - talk to WL HR if there's a prob. Also, WL/HR guy said they'll take care of Oct Dallas flight/hotel - that's also a relief. Sigh. I can do it - job and WC training - always remember to love/take good care of my health, even if it means pushing back against being asked to do too much. Protecting myself from burn-out comes first.
  ~9hrs sleep - feeling okay.
  This week was all about work - work, eat, shower, shit, sleep. No plans this weekend - rest the head, go through work CDs, match CDs to cases, leave at Nicasio, laundry, groceries, tidy cottage, the usual. Yard could use a few hours trimming. I've been neglecting - B/DJ doing some. Been worrying about future - recent grief-related body aches make me think about health, aging, and stress about no 1-day trips to LA pitting me against two large companies, reminds me of my vulnerability - my usual focus is on my strengths and how doing my job well gives me a lot of freedom of movement etc at work - but lately it's all negative because I've said no to this one thing to preserve my health. Not a good feeling. Do not get angry. Do not get emotional. Leave anger and outrage out of it. They are not Daddy, and this is not a Daddy issue - it's a health issue plain and simple - I can't do what they ask without burning myself out, leaving me unable to perform my other tasks effectively. Offer solutions; compromise - don't overstate, or express moral outrage - I will get no sympathy or positive response because everyone is asked/forced to exhaust themselves for greater good of company/co-workers - but don't compromise my health. Period. There. Good.
  Keep these points in mind for work.
  Dallas doesn't seem so bad - fly down Mon - sleep - 2.5 days training - OT feels okay - doing an LA video conf training later this month - if it works well may resolve 1-day LA trips. For all I know they've already decided to go for that ,and not told me. Leave it alone, Ball's in their court. Leave it there. My life is in my court - live it, deal with it, call Mom, Skype w/Karen - focus on my life - not issues best left for work to figure out.
  Oh yeah.
  I am feeling unsettled, disconnected from my life - too much time stressing about work, unknowable, things I can't control, new thoughts based on experiencing death of best friends. Ruins my Joie de vivre. It's okay - it is okay - I'll settle down - my life is good. Enjoy it.
  Yes. Good. Be good today. This will be a good day.
 +++++
  Wed Sep 13.17 nm
  Stressed and unhappy about work - I want to get in an easy groove, but Taf & Jeff quitting, big upcoming training, and as yet unresolved LA trips stressing me out - that's life, everyone is working extra hard and not getting raises. So I'm 63, so I slow down - I can find ways to make it work. Have fun in Dallas. Breath in confidence and strength, breath out fear.
  Randy emailed last night, saw it this morning, Dad not well, not in today - I did not hop up and run in - no - I need, in spite of everything, to take care of myself - it's not as if B&WL have shown appreciation or returned loyalty I've shown.
  R not in Mon before Tues DAL trip - so I might open at 7, lv ~noon, flight @ 4? arrive 7 - hotel by 9. Might work. But Jesus - long day.
  Was gonna book flight today, but need R's support - sigh. Shit.
  Mexican sandal down leg shot from N.
  Okay - 8am - showered & breakfasted. 2hr call w/S last night.
  Boy - my work attitude is terrible - overworked, underpaid, underappreciated - okay - that's life in big capitalist city - but lack of control of LA trips despite everyone recognizing how exhausting they are, available options, compromises, all to save company a couple hundred bucks on my back, is demoralizing. Fuck it.
  1979 Berkeley by Hope
 
 +++++
  "yes I like your body I would like to see more of it and I would like to see the painting"
 +++++
  Mon Sep 11.17 7:30 hm
  Easy driving to/fro, no big names we care about at Jazz/Blues, perfect weather - didn't drunk much, danced a little, blonde wailer n a tight red dress Beth Hart and her rockabilly guitarist were fun - shared couple joints with individual, started up a couple in river - different now that it's legal, I got a mild fun buzz, E got a bit drunk Sun afternoon - hung out, evenings watched Deadwood episodes, sushi breaks, Mexican dinners, smoothie breakfasts, more from lobby - medicinal sleepy pot, good digestion, fair sleep - Fri we brought work stress with us, bled into Sat, by Sunday feeling pretty good, Mon morning real nice - yes - it only lacked a band to get excited about, something we have history with, or can say "We saw so-and-so!"; in every meaningful way it was great - long weekend in river valley, eating, drinking, wandering, sitting in cottage lazy-boys, redwood grove porch view - oh my -  doing as we pleased - Mexican clothes vendors I got pants/shirt from at Accordion fest there, got another shirt/comfy shoes. Couple beers both days - no prob - sipping the beer and eating food took care of it.
  Brought pillow and quilt, food - IMs/photos with several people - L, N, K - N sent requested back pic - language barrier hazard, subtleties lost - we both said, should not be be so afraid of discomfort. Ask for what we want, say what we like, cards fall where they will. We are having fun, best is to let it flow - there's no tomorrow - it may hurt, we may be confused - dark flat pic of back - thank you, she says don't have to say thank you - she does it for her - makes sense.
  Knees were bothering me this week, worried about twisting, Eric suggesting supplement sposed to be good for joints - instant placebo effect - fuck - this worries me a little - what am I missing? Am I acting out in ways I do not recognize?
  Bain & WL do not care at all about my health - saving couple hundred bucks outweighs everything else, my health, my comfort - they will look at my value and realize it's worth keeping me, and work things out so I'm comfortable. End of story. It's all cool - getting upset about their lack of concern for my health will drive me nuts - "Forget it, Jake. It's Capitalism!" Don't take it personally - it's not personal to them, at all! Strictly business.
  Good relaxation - self indulgence - showed up early, cottage ready @1pm - lovely drive home down coast - whales - flukes! feeding! Orcas! What a trip and treat. Beautiful afternoon - not too hot, sunny and slight breeze, no to light traffic.
  Brandy in flask, sipped now and then just for fun - didn't feel it much, dumped last few snorts into grass front of cottage.
  This psychological pain business - what's best approach, understanding - utilize, with prayer, affirmations etc - without getting stupid.
  Packing for fest went well - all unpacked now - Bowl for groceries - Stilton cheese snack, gave big slab to Buff/DJ, snacked on some w/crackers. Soup / bread dinner? Cool.
 +++++
  Fri Sep 8.17 nm
  In/out early all week, for new hire morning training/photos - missed Sooz call Thu night - focused on taking it easy, not draining myself before music fest weekend, so feeling pretty well-rested - slept ~10:30-7:30am -. LA requested video conference training end-of-Sep, so that's positive - emailed WL HR Fri asking when is discussion with WL admin about job description?; LA vid conf may render that unnecessary(?); best be settled/finalized - don't want 1-day LA trips coming up again. Good to have that all settled/pressure off me. Still, I made a decision, approached it professionally, stated my position logically/coherently, stood my ground - I win. well done. Stressful, uncomfortable - that's part of process, tests seriousness/integrity of the position.
  I win. Interesting experience. Learning.
  Doing pretty well about letting go - mentally - chill-out - almost 5 days off - needed and good timing - not bringing any work bullshit with me. WL messing up my paychecks, got that settled - can start punching in-and-out more randomly, get a little OT in there - cool!
  Let go of NMM this weekend - this is about me, Eric, river valley, people at fest. I don't really want to engage w/N that way anyway I think. Photo tease was confusing us - okay trade-off? Pics, flattery, excitement in exchange for emotional confusion? Well, yes - when it caught us unawares - but I think we would not consciously choose it; anyway, now we understand what happened, it can't happen again, because no spontaneity. If we chose to do it, then it's a relationship. Maybe. The part of my humanity that wants not to be alone, a companion, etc, is in pain reminded by this unexpected contact and arousal, juices flowing. Give it even more time. It hurts. I keep wanting to ask for something which is not what I want - I want to ask for photos, when what I want is the person. A gift of photos I tell myself will ease the pain - but that's not so - as pain goes, this is hardly worth the name - but it's sad. I'm sad.
  Okay. Sadness - only my share. Let's not dwell or make too much of it.
  Clear my mind. All is well.
  8:50am - home now, smoothie, pack, shower - leave ~11am? Nice. Looking forward to it. Lucky, healthy, happy, not being in a relationship allows me much freedom, hanging with a friend for 3 days. I am a lucky bastard, have worked hard for what I have, admitted my weaknesses, made amends for my thoughtlessness and cruelty, admitted my anger, grievance, resentments. Tried my best. Been given the gift of loving humans unreserved. Fortunate.
  Be here now.
  Yes! Good! Today will be a great day! Looking forward to this fest all year, is almost better than the event itself. Keeps a still center of joy in my heart.
  $500 from bank yesterday - took Rockridge BART home, coffee on sidewalk table, cheese, prosciutto from market, sushi boat/sake - stroll home. Dig it. Sit at corner College / Alcatraz, I always remember blonde sexy-smile art girl photos, in small white room, with extreme direct sunlight, too embarrassed  / shamed at my arousal to take erotic photos - well I did some, but did not address it directly, then she took b&w negs - which, okay - because they weren't that good.
  Pot, 1/2 painkiller, MBV Loveless, light show, Duke Nuken walkthroughs, tootsie pops, made for a very relaxing evening. :-)
  Ordered Peter Cushing autobio from Amazon.
 +++++
  Tues Sep 5.17 hm 7:20pm
  Back on fb - gonna keep private photo group but not post nudes - or only post censored versions? Lay low. Members said nice things, made me feel good about my little group. Friendly vibe, models in group willing to acknowledge themselves in photos means a lot to me, people meet, Australian rocker likes Colleen photo, asks directly for permission to use on CD, artists I've met through Frida pic learn more about who I am. It's high value. I dig it. Shelley Barn ette sees her pic on '77 hillside, gets attention for her youthful flowering, sees where it fits in my art, and in our lives/shared experience. Some models get positive attention anonymously. This is all seriously cool stuff. No just me getting shame-free validation & attention for my efforts, but a small community of sorts. I'm not a great artist, but there's some talent, beauty, and visible struggle to do something fine. So leave it up, and post non-nudes.
  Download fb site today, in case.
  8-4:30 Tue-Thu: Whole day taking/formatting/uploading photos, welcome flyers, then updating hand-outs, printing for 26 people. Many - most? - have been at B before. Forget that - it's just a job, do my best, leave out some extras & ppt etc., focus on tables/charts. Then another training w/smaller group Thurs am.
  Then long weekend in cabin, porch, redwoods, meals, chill out, music, river - yes - cool.
 +++++
  Mon Sep 4.17 II home 8:15pm
  Shower, pack, call Mom ~10:30 - lv ~11:10 - almost empty tank, filler up - easy traffic to Pt Reyes; salmon sushi while driving, when parked mideast salad/water, feel too full - yucky - decide feel too yucky for 5miles hike, hang in Ranger center, walk short earthquake trail, Pt Reyes Station ~1? Book store, wander, grocery store for berries, start to rain (!?!), after 100degree everyone is like WTF? IM w/K about E's demands, J/lice/shaved head, etc. Send photos to K, NMM, Eric -
  Feeling crummy all day - just, not happy - not bad bad - a lot of it I think is anticipating pressure to do 1-day LA trips. Nicasio ~3:30, good seat 2nd row left center, Sons of Champlin - he looks kind of bad, but music is greater/cheers me up, 3 Juicy Lucy's throughout day, chicken BBQ, give 1/2 away to guy sitting nearby 'cause I'm full - glad he accepts. Happy 6-s peace and love music - and they are so good! Damn.
  Easy drive home, Derek Dominoes - last summer BBQ of 2017 - 3-day week - 3 nights/days in Guerneville cabin for music fest. End of summer blues? But low on horizon warm light lovely. Thank you Sooz for the great life-changing car.
  It's fun after years of exploring, driving around, hanging here and there, spontaneous wandering.
  Back on facebook ~5am - then what?
  Some sad weepiness - I think it's about Gil. Life seeming a pointless repetition and all. I think I'm depressed.
 +++++
  Mon Sep 4.17 nm
  Feeling awfully victim-y - partially being at 63 learning awful truth: we don't get to retire - ever - we work work work till we die - simple- ; we do more work without raises - we're all in same boat - so don't embarrass myself and irritate people by crying about my poor ass.
  I work harder than I need to - so I have control there. Relax. Show up - do my job - go home and relax, enjoy my cottage, friends, food, health. I need to keep telling myself this. I'm gold. Relax at work. Boy, but that thought, anxiousness comes on - I have been trained all my life to work hard. Okay - so work hard - but not to prove a anything to myself  - there's nothing to prove - if I work hard let it be because I enjoy challenge.
  Hot again today - up till midnight, probably woke ~4 and snooze/flopped till ~8. Ice cubes in my smoothie -
  - Fb responded to my protest - my impression is fb will not come searching if no one complains. If I post no more nudes probably be okay. Still - post an announcement, start removing more revealing shots, remove some recently added high school people, ask anyone who might be offended to please leave group. But! - point of group was safe place for nudes - if they are all removed, might as well make it public? Hmm.
  9:20 - shower, BB will be closed - get more smoothie fixings Tues after wk.
  A bit weary - but Mideast salad etc - easy 5mile Bear Valley/Wittenberg/PBJ - same as last week - could be good - fresh air/exercise always good.
  Re-read an IM to Matthew Davis (Mass GT friend) about Gil's death - man, I was a mess. I knew I was knocked down, but maybe having months to prepare, months of fucked-upness about it - when I was even further down, did not realize where I was at. Owch. Thank you, Karen, for pointing out that even so, I was also supporting her, Sooz, Stacey - helping others helped me by taking my mind off my own misery.
  Feeling a little lost - loss of Facebook community? Daily likes and all. Remember, this is intentional - cutting loose - only keeping those that are real. More to life than Facebook "friends", politics, and new technologies (phone).
  K - home - shower - call Mom? - lv ~11 for Reyes.
 +++++
  Sun Sep 3.17 home 7pm
  Huh - few small swallows of brandy from flask - soon after motivation fled - ~2 deep nap, bad hot air? listened to body, wake ~3, wank, reheated beef/bean soup - Telegraph for mocha frap - People's Park yuchh - stroll up Telegraph, through campus, loop west & back through Sather Gate - pics to K & NMM -
  - Student Union stairs catch my attention - how similar campus looks - sit, sifting through memories for specifics, then realize date - Sep 3 - 44th anniversary of leaving home - Sept 3, 1973, Sept 3rd month of Summer - I remember 3s. 9th month (3x3), I was 19. Lots of time of those stairs. Met Shelley B on those stairs. Sitting there, or walking/driving past Church on Haste used to fill me with emotion - now, just - huh - there - yes - I survived - deeper feelings than I realize - different type of reaction as I age, less excitable - but it mailed me there for a while - part of my life history. Deep connection to that spot. My spot.
  IM'd Lo, Parri & K. Would have told Gil.
  Back down Telegraph, Japanese $1.50 shop: bottle brush, aloe container, car sunshade snacks -, take pics of Mediterranean & Moe's, send to Parri - she bummed their closed. BB for salad, soup for tomorrow's hike - hoping to do 7mile before Sons of Champlin BBQ. Me and my 60s stuff. Well, it was one of the major cultural events of the century and of my generation - natural that I and many others tried to hitch a ride. I am what I am. Despising myself, comparing myself negatively to others, is a loss of energy - I did best I could, so I won. Thought of that on campus stairs today - I did it, I came out, stayed, had no choice, had heard that after 1-year residence one could got to school for free (thanks Ted white), I just got under line before Prop 13 killed that. Almost everything grows out of that: Eric, Scott, Gil, Karen, Xo, Buff/DJ, job, marriage, cottage, Suzanne, car. Fuck. If I wanna look at it that way - it worked. I came out, went to school; my life is built around those experiences: networks, connections. Fuck me. Won.
  Cool. Good. Life is a gas.
  People who seemed to have more charm, natural abilities for survival - seemed - seemed - what did I know? I was envious of anyone who had a clue. I had no clue. Who knows their reality. I got lucky. Got by with a lot of persistence (which was, as Alex Chilton said, simply not knowing what else to do) and a little help from my friends.
  Enjoy it while I got it. This is good. Happy & healthy. No complaints. Right? Right. I die tomorrow. Don't matter, I have this now.
  44th anniversary of leaving home. Visited Student Union stairs. Shared Telegraph pics with a friend from those years. Life.
 +++++
  Sun Sep 3.17 nm
  I have already won.
  Hmm - seem to have slept well last night: bed towel a bit flipped, not spun into a sweaty snake to one side. Clean bed clothes/late night shower always a good thing. Laundry, groceries, even quarters - it pleases me to have a jar of $170 in quarters. Tom's black ceramic jar full of quarters, Mary's inlaid Russian wood cup dinosaur balls etc. I keep gifts from Mary & Tom close - I *have* gifts from Mary & Tom. Think it over.
  Quiet on fb this morning - what is life without facebook? Not posting every day or so for attention - not having to decide on new cover photo, or entertaining post. Clear view. Of the morning.
  Up ~7:30, comfy - smoothie in balmy backyard, sunlight comes through warms west view flora - peaceful - breath into my anxieties - some may be, what with Gil dying, feeling myself moving into concerns about old-age, unemployment, loss of health. I breathed confidence into areas of fear. Next week trainings - always bit of stress - that's normal and okay. 25+ people for 3.5hrs on Wed - get it done, do hard work, skip Frida stuff/Design, dig into ppt/company app. Less fun and self-indulgence, more giving them what they need.
  Still collecting sub pics of LR; no response to IMs. Breath in. Breath out.
  At work: stop worrying, enjoy, don't be afraid, focus on positive - people who enjoy and admire me, perks, view, free food and coffee - breath in confidence; worrying/nervousness accomplish nothing; don't work so hard! They can't take my savings, turn my friends against me, kick me out of my cottage, take my car, take away my serenity/self confidence, take away my mind or history - they can't touch me. They can fire me - that's it. Their only power. That power has to overcome my power:  17yrs experience, lead west coast trainer, high-value reputation with all the right people. Fair fight. Fuck'em. Yayyy Robert! It's between WL & B now - let them work it out.
  Bosses - necessary evil.
  One day without facebook - no difference except maybe a more open mind free time unstructured no-focus on what to post. This is good. But save photo group. Make it me only - take out all nudes - re-open. No problem.
  I - I - I - flap - flap - flap. Flapping a little - way past worst of it: last week's making it personal, putting myself in position of bullied at work. I can choose my battles. No battle here. There is no battle here. There is just: I'm exhausted/burning out, it's about to get worse, so I am doing right thing, bringing it to HR's attention, in a professional, positive, problem-solving manner. Total win for everyone. I've learned how to do it. Cool.
  My battle was with myself - if and how to say 'no' - courage to stand and speak-up for myself - who to talk to. I wanted to fight it out myself, but there was no one to fight - no visible opponent - too many choices. How do I win? So I was thrashing about in my mind, fighting myself. Sent note and info to I @B, cc'd Tracey in TOR, WL HR folks. Now they have all seen what's up, including fact that I went to doctor about burn-out. Let them talk it out and decide if it's worth accommodating my health concerns.
  I have already won.
  Working at Bain has been an amazing learning positive experience - so lucky to work in that friendly exciting environment. Current issue with over-work/burn-out ought not to threaten my position. Ought to provoke thinking, review, forward-thinking solutions that work for everyone.
  Soon this will be resolved, and I wonder if all this writing about it will look boring in the future? Point is it helps me to write it out. So - boom.
  Gonna be a hot one - do Bear Valley tomorrow before Sons BBQ. Today... ? Olampoli? Tilden? 9am - now what?
  Sat pm, man - memory foggy - heat frying my brain - after laundry, hankering for fried rice meal, WF for hot bar - eat chicken rice veggies on patio - Buff & DJ in backyard at home, Buff friendly as always - I am withdrawn - work on reaching out from behind wall of Gil Death Hurt. Oh, haha - got a $10 bottle of Christian Brothers brandy, filled flask (from Oregon vacation), had one sip. Just - a thing I want to experience - a flask, a sip. Careful.
  I have already won.
 +++++
  Sat Sep 2.17 nm
  I dunno - and Randy at work doesn't seem worried about LA trips - but he's been wrong about other stuff, assuming Bain would take care of our Dallas flights etc. Trust my instincts, but relax and love life.
  Was feeling empty and bad this morning - partially heat and dehydration, sleep lack - and NMM i a flirtation making me miss a relationship. It's like a sickness. It's going like I want - nudes if they fit as part of online friendship, not forced or even requested, unless time feels right.
  Drive to bank for $200 quarters - fucking HOT! - 100+ - dry, smoggy, smoke from fires - Telegraph, mochas frap from Peets, book store where Cody's used to be, couch, re-read photo book of Casablanca - weepy - "No one ever loved me that much." waillll weep weep weep - hahaha - Amoeba records - considered a $130 re-issue of Sgt Pepper with how we did it CDs, movies and bog fat book by Paul McCartney. Then forgot about it - but would be $350 worth of fun.
  At book store, thought, felt alone, also that that was okay - I should be feeling alone! Gil & Sooz are gone, loss of Scott connections leave me more isolated, and I've chosen that. Chose to move on and let go of the music scene that never was all I made of it,  but served a purpose to avoid despair. Real part: photos, tours, lights, roadie'ing, occasional companions, prestige, cool'ness, sex, drugs, names to drop, leather jacket etc fed the youthful hedonist gang network needs. Met Karen and all that implies. See. Some of it is real. But it is now, not then.
  So it's okay to feel alone, unsatisfied, not need 70s-870s music long hair blue jeans bohemian lifestyle now. Deal with it.
  Loneliness might be scary - but it's honest - maybe will lead to real movement and decisions - living on illusion and dreams will not get me far.
  On way home groceries, IM w/K, asked Eric to post note on my page about 3 day time out, check in with Bobby who's bro got killed and she is suffering, thanked XO for UK candy. Sushi box lunch, ~5:30 smoothie and laundry. Cool. Get things done. Feeling better. sweating like crazy. Lots of water please - I'm slugging it down/hardly peeing at all. No facebook is no problem.
  I'm in control. Cool.
 +++++
  Sat Sep 2.17 nm
  Lordy - a bit hot - 100+ yesterday, woke ~4am, checked fb, 3-day facebook time-out, someone either accidentally, or a new person I added who didn't like nudes (if so, my bad, should have asked, but no way to know) complained about Britney's nudes on private members-only fb group. I've pushed back, it being a private group, but rules seem to say no nudity anywhere, even in private group. No prob - no need to fb this weekend (unlike say when Gil was sick), I can still IM, all my 'best' photos I wanted people to see have been up now for years - so mission accomplished - and a fb break can only be good. Let go.
  Got into bad mood Fri - and last night - heat and dehydration -
  No plans Sat-Sun - quarters from bank - groceries - too hot for Tilden? Later afternoon maybe? Gah.
  IMd w/NMM - through some discomfort - sexy photos, do they turn me on - joke question, but I answered, nt used to come. Isador Duncan & Rodin. Fun stuff.
  Better to hang onto phony 'friends' and scene, or dump, prepare for reality, give real friends quality attention, honest, trusting version of Robert we all deserve. Questions answers itself. I do not know Steve Wynn, CVB, etc - Jonathan a little - very little - shared grief - yeah - move on from past, stop following Dream Syndicate, CVB etc. They are not my scene, nor my taste in music - don't be bitter, it all serves a purpose - no need to be angry, cut them of - just, be real. Scott is dead. There's no more need for my Scott photos - they should go to Kristine. Davis bands - sure, some fun college memories for me - an important time in  my life, painful as it was, more painful without it. Life and learning, being forced to face reality that there is no 'art career', no hidden jobs waiting for me to stumble upon - but I got a job that uses my desire to fix, design, problem solve (after years practice trying to solve me and family haha).
  Good timing on fb break. Maybe good timing on closing private page. All the good stuff already done. Good. Move on.
  But it was a place for my friends/acquaintances/art-Frida people, from different times of my life to be in one place - and for that, I mourn. Bummer.
  Okay - bank - groceries/lunch - drink lots of water! Eat!
  Yes! Good! Today will be a good day!
  Think positive!
  Note: I am not thinking about LA trips - may be background anxiousness - but some success in leaving it for Bain & WL to work out.
 +++++
  Fri Sep 1.17 nm
  Sweaty night, up ~3 and not great sleep but okay - work stressing me out, mainly training business coming up -
  But - LA trips between Bain & WL - let them sort it out, be available, professional, positive in seeking solution. Contact WL and let them know you are concerned to get decision going, again offer to help anyway I can. Positive positive positive. If there's a solution, there is no problem. If Iain approached me, ask him politely to contact WL HR. Solution - no problem. Relax. Iain has a job, which is to ferret out waste - HR has a job which is protect workers from bring ground down by the machine. I do my job, and let them do theirs. Tah-dahhh!
  Noticed on fb I was posting stuff from childhood: catechism, dinosaurs on beach - reverting to childhood helplessness where adults make the  decisions? Dunno - just noticed...
  Caught up w/Tessa - some Larry Clark and move 'Love' pics and gigs to several folks including NMM i a - light contact - I think we were both feeling anxious to get to know each other better - learning we need to be patient, accept what comes...a thing. Watch it unfold.
  Short day - yay - free Sat/Sun - Sons BBW Mon... then short week and long Guerneville weekend. Oh man, so looking forward to it. A good positive thing - I am fortunate to experience it - small pat on shoulder Bob, I went out, got it, did it, asked Eric along.
  Don't forget to get hotel for WEF - call and find out when rooms become available.
  Finished UK candy from Xo/K last night - don't seem to be experiencing sugar crash - diff sugar from US candy?
  Stressing at wk yesterday, about DAL trip, who pays for tickets etc - 3-4 bags of pretzels, bowl of cereal, bags of peanuts... catch myself when I do that, walk around, drink water instead.
  K - up @6:30, smoothie, shower, dress, Nomad - got an extra hour sleep this morning - lots of free time makes me anxious - but hey - work in yard, clean cottage always good, re cover holes in shower stall, get negatives out for work scanning. Life is good. Great job. Honestly, don't worry about raise too much - not many people getting them, and quality of job and perks count for a lot! Ask for it, put the info out - but don't get personal. Strictly business, professional. No emotional it's not fair, nor threats real or implied. But do put word out, so it's on record. Yes. That is correct.
  See if Stacey wants to hang this weekend.
 +++++
  Thu Aug 30.17 nm
  Slow work day - nice! - on fb private photo page, I think on the fb titty algorithm notice someone is checking nudes as 'wrong', and they're being censored - sigh.
  Sent N u r i a Larry Clark nudes & her head on Frida w/gun - even tho was 'past' initial arousal after bathtub nudes from 10 days ago, took a little longer to feel sure I was not sharing while secretly hoping to get more nudes, which I really - well, mainly - don't want outside some kind of communication or artistic context. I would love some artsy nude selfies, to see what she does w/her body. Naked pics of body are fine and enjoyable on a narrow level - but then it ends, once you've seen 'everything' - what is left? In this case potential for them used for us to get to know each other better is most important and fulfilling.
  Tracey N at work booked hotels, will fly out Monday - good. Was concerned they fly me out at 4am. Okay - I'll see a little of Dallas, have a few days off work, learn stuff that puts me in a powerful position - but money talks - push for compensation adjustment.
  After work groceries - fruit, soup, bread - ate box of Turkish Delight from K&Xo in bed. Yum!! Wed am found small working lamp on Shattuck corner - cool!
  My Job: I'm underpaid. Yes, of course, that's whole point of out-sourcing. At 63, with my financial record, cannabis use, etc work could be hard to find - oh, maybe some temp stuff - . At job, I am comfortable and well-known, useful, healthy food buffet, bank, dentist etc close by - great view! Fun walks through San Francisco after work. Close to BART. Lots of good learning opportunities, and - yes - prestige. Free food, coffee, snacks - the photography, interesting learning events, etc - being lead west Coast 'expert' trainer -
  - so add it up - along with video editing, scanning, photoshopping my own stuff, being able to use phone for personal stuff, and still have time to give 100% to my work -
  It is not wise to push for compensation, to draw attention to myself, encourage them to take a long cold look at me and ask, is this guy worth it?
  So, okay - ask - but don't be pushy, be pleasant - find solutions - more PTO? 
  But when thinking about compensation, remember how sweet this position is, that it allows me to help support Karen and XO - Do It For Her - I tell myself I might be willing to die for her - will I continue to work, even if underpaid, for her? Okay - yes - but - still, make my case for more compensation, and if it does not happen, don't work myself to point of burn-out. I have been chilling a bit more at work - less stress - and that does seem to be helping. (Also getting past Trauma of Gil's death). Visit Stacey - this weekend?
  ...
 +++++