angrylambie blog 2017-18

 Lisa silverware
 Will: end-of-life, who gets: art/quilts/car/photos etc
 Sat Jan 27.18 nm
 Slept okay, but weird... shaky, physically off-balance this morning.. staggering... walking carefully...
 Doc appt:
 Sleep-aid anti-depressant prescription.
 Viagra prescription: my HC doesn't cover - prob ~$200 to cover what I need - 3 tabs & cut in half? Wirth it for novelty & visit.
 Talked about grief pain, specifically arm - going to x-ray then, assuming we find nothing (unless it's a bone spur), MRI scan, which would show up tear/damage/cancer. He said tenderness is where tendon attached - so he suspects tear. Cancer did get brought up - but unlikely. Blood pressure very good - weight ~ 200.
 Slept okay, but very emotional. Uncertain what's going on.. even after saying I can't do training in Dallas, feeling emotional/sad - talking to doc I felt small upcoming weepiness when discussing Gil/grief -, well of weepiness beneath surface - well, it is anniversary, and I was in damn bad shape at time - I think that pain is what's coming up - as well as losing Mom - it's natural I'd be in bad shape now. Gen - Mom died only 2 months ago, and I did not take leave of absence - in retrospect I'm questioning whether I shouldn't have.
 I didn't because: Don't want to use vacation days/lose $$, nor secondarily leave dept short-handed (to see they could do without me?).
 Now I'm like: take 2 weeks off now, in Feb, before March move to new bldg/CORE training. You think? Might be a good idea.
 I'm in a bit of a daze...
 R out Fri, in/out early - groceries/berries/soup/pudding... read retro horror comics in bed w/pudding - that was fun - disconnect from work stuff -
 - what is going on w/work? That I'm 63 - 64 in 1.5mos -, have savings, social security, less willing to eat shit, roll over when someone asks/bullies/pressures for 130% work effort? When my concerns/requests are ignored? When my extra efforts are sneered at, disregarded, devalued.
 This has led to a situation where I will not make myself wretched with 1-day LA trips, and will not give 1010% every day, when it does not early respect or compensation from those supervising my roll - why should I when I can give 100% and job/pay remains same as at 100% - or 90% for that?
 And no one to talk to.
 Call WL HR/find someone to talk to. Leave a paper trail.
 Sun fly to Dallas - should be easy, same stuff we covered in Oct. Back Wed - maybe alone. Screw-ups from new dept head D**** re whether or not to bring 2 laptops to Dallas. It came down to me to clear it up, of course.
 Good news
 K bidding on new house.
 HR says July training 2nd week of July, which would leave current late July OR vacation plans intact.
 $70K in bank even after Fed rent. Thanks Mom. I have to remind myself, it was Dad & Ralph who set up financials - I thank Mom because we got it after she died - but it's Ralph & Dad who did most of heavy lifting. Not all - but most. Some set up to support Mom. Thanks Dad.  Thanks Ralph. Thanks Mom. Thank you Greatest Generation.
 Today: maybe laundry so I come home to nice clean bed. Get garden shears sharpened.
 Empty trash bins, fridge perishables.
 Finished book about Rock Star phenomena - gave it to work friend in Marketing who digs rock. Started E Leonard western short stories.
 I'm okay going to Dallas, but I feel numb, sad.. mourning, grieving, inward.. this is what it is.. it's okay to cry.. okay to feel this way. It is not weakness to cry and suffer. Okay to tell folks in charge that life situation limits some of my abilities.
 Today: laundry, cottage tidy, clippers sharpened at Farmer Market, prescription for sleep in Dallas, 3 viagra tabs, eat, chill, love life, relax.
 Shelley posted nice polaroid of Gil, mugging w/beer - from albums which I can't access - aww - pics from her bday - I am petty & bitter - not many people, and Chris is plump haha. Sigh. She did comment pic is mine. If she'd been more fair & generous/honest about photo albums/cemetery stones, would have made a big difference? Or is that my excuse? It didn't help. For her, to win was more important than post-marriage Robert contact, so here we are. For me, pride wounded by 'losing", on top of general discomfort/guilt etc - but I maybe could have dealt with that, if I'd felt some equanimity / respect re the shared property.
 We married for love, broke up over sex.
 It happens. It's no biggy, but what is post-divorce relationship built on if not some respect...
 Okay. Boom. Quiet time to myself - take care of myself.
 She said exactly what I'm feeling.
'It's hard to believe that it's already been a year since we lost Gil.
I'm still adjusting to this dull reality, half convinced that it can't be true, most of the time.
Miss you always Gil, ol buddy, ol pal!!'

 Tom's been making contact on facebook - 'likes', comments - and I feel like nothing will change so long as he invalidates my pain/stress over his bullying & insults. Invalidating me by calling me oversensitive is a deal-killer. So is it hopeless - seems so.
 Thu Jan 25.18 hm 3:25
 Home early for 4pm doc appt: Valium, Viagra & Arm
 Told Randy @wk I was planning to contact Dallas peeps about not training > whatever > wrote a decent note, they were sympathetic - well, T**** of course, expressed understanding, then pushed me to do some training in front of training lady anyway; I said no, explained why not. Period. You can't leave any wiggle room with these people. Situation must be explained clearly, then door slammed shut. There is a borderline bullying tone about it; it's essential to my well-bring to show compassion for myself > say no when I mean no. Anyone asks why I'm not training I can say "Personal reasons."
'Hi Dxxxx, Keeping this simple:
 Situation: Certified trainers required to run Dallas modules on CORE standards/Toolbox update.
 Issue: 2017 was a rough year; among other things: a year ago today lost best friend to bone cancer, and over Thanksgiving suddenly & unexpectedly lost Mother. I am emotionally (and physically) fragile. I have a doctor’s appt this afternoon to discuss options.
 I had hoped to improve by now, and be fully engaged in Dallas, but during recent weeks, as I considered the upcoming event, I am convinced I will not be capable of running a module effectively.
 Solution: I will support in any way I am able, but must opt out of running a module. 
 Randy is aware of these events; in the case someone requires supervisor confirmation, feel free to check in with him.
 Please let me know if you have any questions about this."
 No way to avoid sharing some details of death - I think I managed to give least possible amount of personal detail, and still be clear what I'm going through - mentioned doc appt. Everything I said was non-melodramatic, and true. I was/am stressed about being scrutinized while training, but was/am willing to deal with that - but this sense of vulnerability/fragility goes deeper, into dark places I'm not sure I recognize (now that's melodramatic).
 Curious how doc will go.
 It's that my inner resources, that I call on esp during training to focus/raise energy/spirits, are being used to keep me afloat. So nothing there to protect me from judgment, unkindness, pressure, bullying - and I may react with hostility... like Dad did, like anyone might...
 In Fri 7am - out 3:30pm - Sat free... fly out Sun morning.. I feel 100& better now, having protected myself.
 * is very curious about viagra - :-D.
 Decided on spur of moment to reject Mks friend request.. no.. talk first.. establish some boundaries... she began it, drove it, ended it... but she doesn't get to restart it.
 Thu Jan 25.18 nm
 Again up ~4am and toss/turn, general stress - about Dallas - I made decision to slow down and disconnect at work - overworked, disrespected, ignored - then the CORE stuff dumped on me, mind just broke - I can not do this - supposed to be 2 of us, but all on me?? How does that work? I asked for compensation from Taf & Jeff, brought it up in some detail with Tim & Yvonne - silence, push back, excuses... "Dept head will make that decision. But there isn't one haha." So what do you do? Start giving 100% instead of 110% and prioritize - demoralization went further, I've just been on a sit-down strike. Someone want to discuss with me? Doubtful. I told Yvonne would be happy to have someone come check on my work ethic, so we could discuss all I do, possible compensation/title adjust - silence.
 So naturally I'm unhappy - going to Dallas feeling unprepared because I intentionally did not put energy into it - and don't have heart for it - I have to take responsibility, since I did it - but some fucking respect, contact, support from company would help, too. Now we have Darcy, so I'll tell her, too - so there's paper trail - no one can say "Well, you should have said something." I did, and I was ignored.
 fb friend request from Mek. What to do? Ignore for now. I am allowed to do that. I can't imagine it becoming a low-key, occasional contact thing. She need a lot of attention (as do I), and I'm liking post-Mek quiet. Felt great relief when she got pissed and unfriended me. Not because I dislike her, but because she was using air I need to closer, longer term, more complex friends. I can claim my space. Bam.
 4pm doc appt with Fitzer for arm, viagra, valium.
 Maybe I can get 3 scanned Dad pics cleaned up today, mailed out, sent for prints. Get that off plate.
 Yeah - last year, pressure over 1-day LA trips, no compensation adjust, no dept head, Gil died, Sooz moved to OR, Mom died, CORE thing solo instead of 2 people... not a good year. I withdrew. No one to talk to.
 Anyway, 70K in bank, good job, nice cottage in cool neighborhood, Nomad coffee shop. Got used to phone & UBER, texting, sending phone photos, etc.
 Up ~7:20, smoothie, shower, a bit tired but okay - I can function. Groceries tonight after doc appt. Sat off to chill - sushi w/Eric? Sun lv early for SFO. All good.
 Today is best day of my life. This is best breath. That was best shower. Best coffee. Best good morning emails to/from Karen/Nuria.
 And there we have it - Mek was right - there were/are other established online friends, and there is no room for another - not one that is undeveloped, driven by one person more than the other. Unbalanced, unseasoned. How to say without being mean? Just like that. Ignoring her request is an option. I do not owe her an answer, except based on simple human decency terms.
 My job is in SF, my boss is WL - Tracey is not my boss. She's boss of training/app project; they want to train us to be better trainers., Cool. They know it will not happen overnight. Takes experience. I told them I have not had much. So they know. I spoke up. If necessary, tell them it's been a rough year & I may not be up for training while being filmed etc. Too much pressure. Write to Darcy today to let her know - professional thing to do it give them a heads up. It'll take some pressure off of me.
 Yes, soon as I wrote that I feel better. Let people know what's up. Dealing with loss of Mom is legit reason to call time-out.
 8:51am.. 20mins to chill
 Love, Robert.
 Wed Jan 24.18 nm
 Wait - Gil died on the 23rd, not the 25th? Maybe she's writing early.
 Stacey notes on her page, thanks everyone, esp for GoFundMe -
 "Massive thanks to everyone who donated to Go Fund Me. You made it possible for me to pay off Gil's medical bills, gradually downsize and make it through a difficult time without worrying about running out of money. Your generosity was overwhelming and I will be eternally grateful."
 Not directed at me, but glad was able to help in such a fundamental way: Money. How to ask without tackiness. It went well - giving people an opportunity to help in a real, meaningful way; giving support we'd all hope to get if the time comes. And Stacey spelling out how the donations helped - is - perfectly handled, letting everyone know what it meant to her.
 Anyway - maybe a bit of Dallas stress? Rough sleep this morning.. on my mind.. up 7:30 shower/smoothie - I want to be a trainer.. additional training to do it Bain style - is required - do best I can - enjoy it... I can do it... perfection not required - not a rejection of me/my experience - it is help and support. Be grateful. Thank you! Trip to Dallas so I can be high value trainer on west coast? Cool - yeah.
 Sooz called but had bad cold, cough hack - short call - back to bed.
 Heated up tortilla soup & bread dinner. Yum!
 Doc appt for arm, valium, viagra tomorrow afternoon.
 Brought Lisa's silver wear to work to mail.
 Part of me does not want to fly to Dallas, wants to stay home, not deal with airport security stress - new people - new job requirements - people with higher skills better minds - man, better get used to this - in the real world this is true every day. Respect their experience/job requirements/pressure they're under - don't expect perfection.
 I feel defensiveness through my mind. Breath. Relax. Relax my body and mind will follow. Work it out. Just do my best. Be myself. Relax and enjoy. I'm a good person, and people like me. I have a certain amount of charisma I'm told - let myself shine.
 Umm - yeah - flights/hotels taken care of - Sun flight ~10:15, UBER 7:30 - a bit early but, I chose daylight arrival, Home late Wed afternoon. Meals.
 No whining! I am winning.
 Learn from my procrastination/slowdown at work - not sure it's helping - I don't have to give 120%, but do give 100%.
 Speak up! Ask for raise! Be professional.
 And - yes - enjoy every sandwich, spend $$ on new experiences, enjoy friends, life, walking, a mediocre life is a life and it is fantastic. And if it matters: touring with Game Theory, working with Scott on-and-off for 30yrs, a photographic body of work of (very minor) note, a few viral montages including Frida w/gun - my goddam survival - being a difficult/troubled/angry person let's say, okay - finding my place in world by learning (the hard way) to accept love and friendship, and doing good work. Being gifted godfather to Xoxo. Establishing a relationship with Father (meh) and mother (<3 ) through mutual efforts. Being with mother reading from bible holding her hand when she took last breaths - having it together to immediately text sibs - adds up. To a life.
 Tue Jan 23.18 nm
 Let's not make too much of it - breath! - but Fri Jan 25 1st anniv of Gil's death.. be prepared for some feelings. Damn it - but no sense in cursing death.. part of life and natural etc - I'm okay.. maybe I less 'miss' him, than am suffering from rending wounds of months, years of his illness, his leaving, worrying about Stacey. Tragic is dying young.. 60 not bad, plus his success as drummer.. and as beloved person. Sigh.
 Usual stress about Dallas trip Sun - making flight - would rather stay home - I feel pretty confident about running part of module - I'll have time to practice - so far as being watched, judges on my training skills - I am defensive, sensitive etc - work on being stronger - accepting, valuing advice - my view of myself as 'trainer', as expert, is not sullied nor challenged by their advice. I crave it, if I can get past my defenses. Let them down. Let go. Don't worry, be happy. Breath. Enjoy. Enjoy all aspects of life.
 Hard stress is death, poverty, instability - etc - not being trained to be a trainer. :-D I'm not losing sleep - so gonna be okay.
 It helped that last week I trained an individual, going over material felt normal/smooth, training went well.
 Mon >work, WF for moisturizer, bread, berries/soup - Mexican soup/bread for dinner > 3rd/last check from Mom showed up - $6.5K; altogether, ~13+6.6+200 = ~20K.. ~2x expecting.. well, cool... before Nov 2017 I'd be thinking give at least $1K each to K&E. Now I am thinking save save save. I have given enough. the 20K - thanks Mom! - partially fills hole in budget from last 10yrs tithing to K/Xo/Eric etc.
 Gonna put me close to 70, which means if I'd saved every penny I'd now have well over 100. That kind of thinking may be inevitable - bitter, resentful - but but but - where would I be if Mom & Dad, Marge & John, had been less generous. I have been given much. Without K would not have this job and cottage. It all equals out. Much of what I have given - vast majority - was well-invested in K/Xo, and Eric's well-being.
 If I die today, the tithing will not have disadvantaged me in any way.
 If I live another 20 years, an extra 20K will not make much difference, is not whole picture. Quality of life also counts - supporting friends increases my enjoyment and quality of life. M&D made sure we all got equal, all got ~20.
 Thank you, M&P.
 6x20 means there was ~120K altogether, about what she said - maybe some went to Shirley. It's not all about $$$ - tho of course that is nice - it's about tthe love it represents. Example she & Dad sent by this duty/generosity/care & love.
 Get to scans and photos for sibs & Shirley today.
 And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.
 Mon Jan 22.18 nm
 Stress about training in DAL - I didn't do my homework! Most of us didn't! It'll be okay. I can do this. Perfection is the enemy of good - do the best I can and I'll be okay. My 18yrs training experience is valid. Do the best I can and all will be well. Take criticism graciously. They are trying to help. Express any of my opinions without pushing back -respect their opinions also. Phew.
 Sun: Bit of sitting around, Yard work: chop yellow flower stump pile, sweep/rake under front orange-berry bush, chop back East side to respect neighbor's space, sweep side/back paths, choose 1 of 3 small datura sprouts to replace big one that died (yank other 2) > brought many books/CDs to car > managed to get to Tilden <20min drive - visit farm cows, rabbits, fowl - past cabin trail, cross fire road sticking to lower trails, Jewel Lake, lower trail - overcast and Gloomy, lots of families avoided feeling isolated. weekends are tough.
 Downtown: Arnell's pizza, bookstore > groceries - salad/pudding - Starry Plough for 1 pint and lopsided football - > home: heat up Vietnamese fish soup w/bread - yum! - sewed/cinched waist of baggy pants to better fit.
 So actually, Sun: Yard, books from cottage, Tilden stroll, pizza, bookstore, groceries, Starry Plough, soup & bread, sew clothes.
 Plus nice pic from Nur. K in NY.
 Today: $12K check from Mom to bank, update online payments (Amazon, angrylambie, etc) to new Bank Card, print pics for Shirley/sibs.
 Look online for new phone?
 Hard to tell what is my usual stressfully gloomy weekends, where I can't avoid dark side of isolation, and what is depression about Mom & Gil. Seriously considered talking to Bain HR about it - to prep in case I need to tell Tracey I can't do Dallas module. But - work protects me from feelings > keep busy/think positive - that may be only answer. Let's see what she asks me to do > then practice, do best I can. Yes.
 It's not a problem if there's a solution. To extent it's an issue, it's a quality issue, because it means I have a job with responsibilities. And I like training! So, even tho it's scary to do new things - to learn new things - it's all good! Fear does not mean it's bad! Wanting to run and hide does not mean it's bad; just means it's difficult and scary - but I can do it. Cool. Do it!
 They are not saying I'm doing it wrong - they are saying I can be even better! I do want to be a good trainer.
 Rainy.. time to go soon. Next Sun fly to Dallas. I think Fri I'll essentially be alone. Look into it.
 Tom certainly sending signals he wants to hang - but no way will he concede that his attitude is part of the problem - he insults > I respond > he calls me over-sensitive. End of tale. Been there, done that. He will never be able to talk about it. As Das was not. Eric says forget it - not gonna change. K would say reach out, but she doesn't quite get it. She does not know all.
 Less $$ for her, less for everyone. Time to work work work save save save and be sure my word is good.
 Sun Jan 21.18 nm
 Sat easy - Groceries/laundry.. cold..
 Nur IMs mentions we have both been less chatty - I get emotional, breaking up?! - guilty - but that very morning I sent personal pic and she said she loved it. Weird over-emotional reaction - but that's we've both been since beginning, emotional - so, okay - that's what we have decided to ride out. Made montage of her with Beatles - sent - she likes. Play. We are playing.
 Probably also hungry - not much food, sandwich meals.
 Big mid-east salad for dinner.
 Sleep ~10:30 - up 4:30 - back to sleep till ~9am.
 Working through stress about training in Dallas - do best I can - that is all that is required, professionally and personally; criticism is an opportunity to improve.
 Mom's insurance check arrived for $12K.. I was expecting total of ~$10K, but prepped for less - another annuity check to go? Some tax was taken out, but as it's a gift do I need to pay taxes? Sigh. Also got tax forms from work - ~$66K/yr  - ~$45 after tax - which is still low in SF - in another town I'd be doing well. If I was in a partnership with someone employed we'd have ~$100K/yr. Supposedly I'll get more back after Trump's not-paid-for tax cuts - so could be a good year.
 Be less generous - that is baked in after Gil/Mom - yet, I just had a $300+ sushi meal with Eric without blink - & jumped on $1K for 2nd Russian River cottage music weekend w/only minor cringe (not to mention tickets - tho, maybe this year no Gold tickets on jazz weekend?).
 Difference is - last year I'd have assumed some of Mom's $12K would tithe to Eric & Karen. Not now.
 In small ways and large I move towards more frugality. There's no sense in looking backwards - but if I'd been less generous over the last 10+ years I'd probably have $100K now - easy - and then what? I'd still have to keep my job - I'd still be looking at no retirement ever. Gil & Mom would still be dead, and I'd still be me, just with a little more security. There is probably ~$5K in there I'd take back - like $500 I gave for Monks of Doom record - what was I thinking? But I did it because I could and wanted to. Most went to friends, meals, help with Xo, Karen & Iain flights etc. That's fine - that is what money is for I think. It brought Eric happiness and comfort in a somewhat isolated life. $$ to Gil helped me by letting me feel I was doing something - gifts of love - $$ to Stacey was duty and promise to Gil kept, plus I wanted to help her as a friend. Also, I have spent commiserate $$ on myself: $1,000s on art, on Mendocino weekends, etc  - would I want it all back, not have the art, life experiences, warm feelings from helping friends get through night, from giving Xo the feeling someone - her Uncle Robert - had her in his mind always? That's what I paid for - and there I spent unwisely, I learned.
 It's all good; not merely about amounts of money - it's what value I got in return. Tickets for Gil & Stacey to see No Man's Land. Priceless.
 After all that, w/Moms $$ I'll have ~$60, closer to $70 by EOY, all things remaining equal.
 Okay.. 11:45am - thinking about Tilden stroll.
 Today will be good. Life is sweet.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Thankful for warm bed, quilts, art, photoshop, my art, Buff & DJ, Nomad, my job, Gil & Stacey, Suzanne, Eric, Karen & Xo... Iain and his family - difficult in he circumstances...maybe after K is settled in elsewhere, door will widen.
 Sat Jan 20.18 nm
 Fri pm  Long'ish IM w/L, told about doc appt for pills etc.
 Fri @wk regional boss dropped by:
 No in-town dept head, be D'Arcy in CHI - okay - no local dept head is okay. I suppose. Up & down-sides to that.
 1-day LA training trips has been discussed/options explored; sounds like it's understood to be settled in my favor. Good.
 Uncertain about temp S***a; I put in she brings advanced skills lost when Taf left - seemed to have impact, she was grateful.
 Overall good feeling to finally get some word/attention, that our dept/concerns not totally ignored.
 CHI will purchase DAL hotels/flights - another point of tension resolved (rather than us paying/being reimbursed).
 Town Hall Mtg got word on move to new bldg - late Feb.
 Trained one person on CORE, felt pretty good, friendly, she was fun to hang with. As of today, think I'm only person knows CORE in SF.
 Difficult Nike template went well as could be hoped.
 Morning lightly hungover from 1/2 bottle of cedar sake during Thu pm Sooz call - hostile , touchy, weird, but better by afternoon.
 Global ppt person asked each of us trained trainers to run part of DAL CORE modules - I pushed back, said very limited experience, makes more sense to have experienced folks do it. She said 'understood' - but good experience for us. Whatever. Breath. Do it for me.
 It's stressful, but not a problem because - there is a solution:
 1.) Do a good job, at least do my best.
 2.) It's a quality problem - situation exists because I have a job, and I like training.
 3.) They are helping me a better trainer.
 4.) I bring other skills aside from perfect training chops: Investment, helpful, articulate, charming, knowledgeable, cool. 
is infectious - as a trainer I bring that - making me a self-conscious robot snuffs that out and may make training less effective.
 Growing up hyper as I did, I was told to slow down, quiet down, a lot - therefore it's a personal pain point for me.
 Growing up -I was told to not be so loud - so I assume I am loud - but turns out I am not. So - learn! Speak up.
 I can do it - so it is not a problem. I'll get over stress. I'll do good. Not perfect by their standards - no one is perfect - but good enough.
 A year from now, skills experience will have sunk in; I'll be a better teacher.
 That  - is what I want - because I love teaching. Cool.
 Other important thing - I did push back, and was acknowledged.
 I suspect R at work has told some people about my rough 2017 - so they know I'm - delicate.
 It's all good.
 Yes - think it through - this is not insurmountable!  I can do this - and it will benefit me in many ways.
 Difficult, but anything worth doing will be so.
 Breath. Cool. As necessary, let them know about my sensitivity about being told to slow down, and not be loud etc.
 Good -- thinking it through.
 Tom reaching out, asking about photos etc. I'll get to it.
 mmm - cappuccino, eggs/bagel, espresso - thank you Nomad. Thank you Berkeley. Thank you Karen & all friends known and unknown.
 Life is good. Lots of resolved issues this week. Good Friday.
 Fri pm pot, heated up rice porridge, dried figs, slow mo Mendo ocean... so fun.
 Enjoyment is good. Enjoy life - sometimes nothing but pure enjoyment.
 Often have to remind myself it's okay necessary normal natural supreme. Enjoying life is worshipping god.
 Hiking pants arrived, can unzip leg bottoms - become shorts.
 No plans - errands/grocery/laundry - cottage care. My calm little routine is good - I woke up stayed in bed long as I liked, comfy & warm, wanked, smoothie - my traditional table at Nomad. Last few years was death, rock photos, growing up - phone/insurance/savings - Scott & Gil gone, last connections to Game Theory. Interviewed for books, articles. Kilby book photos. Too bad about Scott book, 'don't all thank me at once' - my famous Scott portrait on cover, more inside, would have made big difference. Publishers Joe & whatsername did not even contact me; everyone seemed shocked/disappointed (including author, who contacted me privately); I still strongly suspect - assume - Ana M poisoned well against me, with her 'poor me' drama mama, 'I am forced against my will to defame Robert'. Hahah. Yeah - I know that one. And I'll survive it just fine. I am after all 'Gil's best friend' & guy who made $20K for his widow. Take that drama mama defamer :-D.
 I win.
 Thu Jan 18.18 nm
 In early for Sooz call tonight -
 Called Mom's NY place after receiving 2nd copy of form - no worries - $6,500 on the way.
 Bank yesterday for new bank card, now look for places using the card (Amazon, internet) and update. Cashed $200 check from MONY. Money is nice, but also want the closure of getting these reminders over.
 Email from Tracey @ work - GFX dept all fly out in shifts end of month - who pays? Not much time to prepare. Some offices close. Last minute stuff. Whatever - 4 days in Dallas, free meals. Cool. Fly out Sun, back Wed evening.
 Surprise nice pic & shower vid from N.
 K looking for mortgage on new house?
 Feeling good, but also find myself irritable/spazzzy at work - don't assume all is good - but better, yes.
 Is Dallas same week as Doc appt??
 Avg apt rent in Oakland /Berkeley ~$3200. Fuck. Buff/DJ & I need to stick together. But not live in fear.
 But some fear is natural.
 Send scans of Dad to sibs, ask who gets originals (Anne wants M&D at costume party).
 Mendo trip seems to have done me lots of good - reasonably good shape comparatively.
 Groceries after work - berries, eggs.. and umm.. chocolate pudding I watched last night while watching ultra-slow-motion Mendo weekend videos. Moment of "bad Robert!", followed by I am having a good time, and responsibilities taken care of - so - good for me!
 Finished Gilbert Hernandez comic on BART - now, History of Rock Stars.
 Slept good.
 Found missing Neutral Lambie doll K sent with big ass anaconda red scarf.
 At work, read Town Hall mtg notes (issues) from workers - CSS & other asking for pay increase to match cost-of-living in Bay Area etc - answer is basically: fuck off, we know other places will pay more, but you have the honor of working here. There is something to that - looks good on resumes. At least I am not alone! And Dallas GFX girl & I emailed about how we are not being asked for support, therefor not getting CORE experience - again, I am not alone - and am ultra-fortunate re low rent.
 Say Hi to Buff!
 Life is good. Today will be a good day. Expect nothing but best!
 In last 4 years: Scott died, Gil died, Sooz moved away, Game Theory records re-released with lots of my photos, K trying to hold onto house... now that period is over.
 Now is now. Attention/excitement (around Game Theory stuff) finished.
 Now is now. Keep moving.
 Wed Jan 17.18 nm
 Tues slept well, refreshed/relaxed - overcast Mendo for 10am high tides - not dramatic as Mon storm surf, but good splashing crashing mist-spraying thumps! Also no rain - win - walk south/back. Into town looking for jewelry store lady that made gold/opal ring I gave to Lisa C 1999.. wrong artist, still good to do; I tried. Soup/sandwich from Grocery. Out of town ~noon?
 Stop above Navarro to eat soup - Nino Rota, Spirit (12 dreams) - my late teen dreams. "I don't know what it is to be free...." "Nature's way..." Thanks Gil/Stacey.
 Stop at Pepperwood Pottery but they closed! But I tried!
 Stop in Hendy Woods nr Boonville - heavy overcast damp air, beautiful wood tho! Do a overlapping loop, almost lost! But map helped.. got it.. deep damp red redwoods.. beautiful chill out easy trail.
 Easy drive, empty work day roads.
 S Rosa ~3:35.. give Eric ping-pong ball catapult from science store & small metal tiny metal parts train. Osake for big meal - we both hungry - it's cold and we want warm food! - mainly sides, plus Kobe Beef plate & cedar sake - hot chocolate dessert. $325. Yum!
 Eric and I have know each other since ~1981?...37yrs?
 Check email - Russian River Jazz Blues has morphed dramatically! Jazz/Blues weekend is now 2-day Jazz/funk/R&B weekend! Now Blues is one-Sun in June, plus Sat is 100th anniv beach party - gah!! Jump on room in Ferndale place - get Fri/Sat - dive back in to snag Sunday pm after Eric notes price too low - I think I signed up for non-specific one bed studio - call back today to see if we can be in one room, also if we can get 2-bedroom cottage. That was dramatic - mind blown - that we got a room at all! - also - note -we both like it, I was mildly uncomfortable about cost, but really no question we would do both. Boom. Thank you internet and that we stumbled on that info and had a place in mind etc.
 Easy drive home - slept well. 8:50am time for work.
 Do my job.
 Today will be great - I expect good things. At end of say I'll say that was a good one!
 Restful weekend good idea.
 Print Dad scans for fam.
 Tues Jan 16.18 Bragg hotel 8:45am
 I questioned whether another/multiple trips to Bragg was necessary - and it's cool - relaxing - enjoyable - noticeable difference between Thanksgiving week when I was dealing w/work stress, and both Xmas & New Years 4-day weekends dealing with Mom's (and Gil's) deaths. This weekend felt more like normal, just floating, no plans - filling time in a beautiful coast location, enjoying place for what it is. Finding out who I am without Mom, with more adult view of life.
 After Fusion dinner, sit and chill comfortably couple hours - cherry tootsie pops - little pot ~9:30, sleep 10:30'ish sleep some pretty deep till ~6:00, snooze till 7 - feeling okay - shower, smoothie.. order replacement hiking pants with legging from REI (others ass ripped out sliding down redwood hillside).
 ~9now - 10am high tides.. sure.. check them out, check jewelry store for gold rings with opal like I got for Lisa; obviously I need closure haha. Wearing Dad's wedding ring feels so right. Weird that.
 Packing out.. good digestion lately.. bring dried fruit to work instead of snacking on peanuts/American processed poisoned cereal etc.
 Good? Ready to work? Mid-life crisis - sure - have one - be unhappy at work - everyone else is! but count blessings and make it work somehow. Get real. At my level, no one gives a fuck. People I support may love me - and that does count for something! But higher-ups don't give a fig - if I complain, I become problem. So, do my job - one day trips to LA? Maybe? But explain it makes me ill & I will not be able to do as good a job as if I was put up overnight. In fact call in sick a few times after LA trips. To send message.
 Chill. Be happy. yes thank you be good today.
 Today will be a good day - at the end of the day I'll think 'This was good'.
 Expect good things, acceptance, support, and give it, too, and it will come my way.
 Mon Jan 15.18 II hotel 6:50pm
 Lv hotel this morning ~9:10 for 9:30 new moon full tide - sposed to rain & maybe thunderstorm - sun & clouds, but mostly clouds south in Mendo. Waves big and splashy tho!
 I was not very connected - but maybe vacation relaxed brain - stood for a while, but not feeling it, walk south - back to north headlands, sit, meditate - feel good!
 Remind myself how I star feeling good and connected when I meditate!

 While sitting Shiva - breathing, calm, centered - set of big ones come in right at me - they miss, but bam! Big loud thumping splashing spraying! Starts to sprinkle - back to car ~11:20 - almost 2 hours on coast before rain started.
 Still groggy - town for grocery soup/strawberries, espresso, fill thermos.
 South to side road pullover, trail to cliff bluffs. 2 miles to Little River at Van Damme Park - park, eat, drizzle, binoculars/seagulls washing in river water beach 'pond'- it is a really small river! Walk to north end of beach. Nice to be out. Checking phone - Tom & them not able to reach Shirley.. hmmm.. eventually they do. At same time, Mek msg appeared in Messenger - same text she sent to my backup profile, explaining how rude I was, how I misunderstood, how it's not worth explaining. I'm not down for responding - yet. It all feels under her control; and, also, I like having my life back. Hard to imagine a low-key friendship.
 Mendo, espresso, scientific toy store for Eric gifts - things to put together - , books store for book about era of Rock Stars.. read sad part of Frankenstein where innocent girl gets hung, had to wipe and dab tears from eyes. Snif.
 Super misty.. park west end of Main St., stroll headlands perimeter; then to North headlands, but really low tide/low waves..
 .. ~4:30 lv for Bragg, gas Siouxie, chill @hotel, Fusion restaurant again - chicken enchiladas/2 margaritas. $40. You only live once. Thank you Sooz for car. Siouxie 2.
 Don't be cocky about job - everyone is expendable, and it could be a life saver to have this job for next years. Also, live.
 Couple things to look into tomorrow - downtown jewelry store with same artist who made gold band w/opal I got for Lisa Cowan/have since wanted for myself. Weird obsession. But go ahead and deal with it - whatever it takes - but don't spend $500 on a copy for fuck's sake! Dumbass :-D
 10am high tides - 6ft - check it out. Says cloudy foggy all day, but no rain. Okay.
 Mon Jan 15.18 Bragg 8:09am
 Sleep !10:30-up ~7:30 - thermos coffee smoothie.
 High tide 9:30 - shower. head over - low energy, but better than Sun. Wank last night & this morning.
 Sunny & clouds out - doesn't look like gonna rain/afternoon thunderstorm.
 Vacation - same as I'd do at home, but away - sit w/laptop - walk(?) - shop - need more strawberries - yes, this is good - no plans, no desires  - I explored recently over holidays - but.. plenty of places to walk if I want. Van Damme?
 I vaunt to be alone.
 Sun Jan 14.18 II 8:21pm
 Just trying to stay awake - Sat early evening slept couple hours, fucked up my sleep
 Today slow foggy morning - alien brain - who the fuck am I? Better after shower/breakfast (mideast salad) - Nur send mole photo to decipher.
 ~11am headed south aimlessly - really nice warmish, still, cloudy/light day - great for chill/tourist/stroll/explore Mendo - stopped in several stores/galleries, yard tile with 3 penises!? Oh, fish - nice - bought it. Grocery store: water, berries, white bean & sausage soup. South headlands, ate soup, nap - getting a bit chillier, walk south from lot snacking on dried figs, take long route all around - beautiful, peaceful. Head back ~4 as clouds cover sun completely. No sunset.
 Maybe, sleep in an hour or so ~9:30-10..
 ...on Tues lv early, visit Hendy Woods State Park this side of Boonville, & Pepperwood Pottery1/4 mile east of Navarro store.
 River along 128 from Philo is Navarro River, not Eel, damn it. Hahahaha.
 Checked my other fb page - note from Mek blaming me for everything, saying there's no reason to talk explain etc. Ah. Okay. That settles that. I agree. This is what happens when we skin our fantasy knees on reality pavement. It got hot fast - either it can stay in fantasy fun, or our real world desires make demands, and it ends.
 Somehow - mental place that stuff resides in similar to other online friendships; it was fucking them up, sucking them into same stream, using all oxygen for others. It was all or nothing with Mk, so it's nothing; it was a hot ride. No regrets. Helped while in WV during Mom's death/funeral/apartment clean out. But too much time & energy invested in fantasy, when reality needs full-time attention.
 Mon: High tide at 9:30am.. and/or stroll Glass Beach bluffs - sposed to rain! Maybe thunderstorms in afternoon? So no stroll - well - that's why I brought a raincoat.
 Yeah - I think I'm feeling better - facing full effect of deaths, aging - still a mess - but getting a grip - of course I don't want to work - and if I lose the job, I will fill my time with other things. If some of those things are redundant/dumb, well, so is work. On other hand - I can have nice things because of my job and cheap rent.
 There you have it.
 Sun Jan 14.18 9:44am cloud/sun
 Sleep on-and-off - weird - hungry - barely ate yesterday... Just turkey sandwich/most of box of big pretzels  - careful, I'm doing sleepless/foodless high maybe... stayed in bed till almost 9... upper left arm sore...
 Feeling like being alone... leave me alone! N sent pic of small mole, says guess where it is :-) have to respond - I'm avoiding food - what is that about? Shower, than salad.. then walk the coast.. mmmm... nice...
 Ah, $75 for Sat pm room, $63 Sun/Mon. Good.
 Sat Jan 13.18 II Bragg hotel 9pm
 Lv Oakland ~8:15 Easy drive to Bragg, coffee in Cloverdale/Boonville - sunny cool beautiful  esp through sunny redwoods - climb hillside, on way down slide onto ass, don't realize till evening it tore ass out of pants - hahah. Pics of trip to Nuria. Heavy lovely fog on coast - mood pretty good! Note general anger/tension/pushback against other men in life - Dad/brother/work supervisors - resenting, taking their 'manliness' as bullying, because I'm a sensitive wimp/was bullied. What can I do about that? Mellow out? Yes. Don't take it personal.
 At coast turn left over bridge, then sharp right to coast/old buildings where Navarro River meets ocean.. explore big old white renovated bldg; walking from car to beaches, young hippie ran by, said better/easier to walk barefoot.. um.. no.. uh, yeah okay - thank you anonymous young man. Water rushing into surf, seals on logs in middle of stream, lots of cool forest debris from winter flooding, rough rocky coast/man-made 'structures' from driftwood,  - beautiful! Ocean walk end to end -
 - sit in car, Bowl sandwich, binoculars: seals, birds, people dogs.
 Live Loud Family radio show from Bradley - cool - good band! Gil! Scott talking - awww - damn it. - also early Beatles from Gil's iPod, & Mozart.
 Mendo for thermos coffee, pretzels - moderate dense fog in town. Briefly stroll north end of headlands - enjoying beauty, mood good - ~15mins to hotel - 115 not available after all! 125 is fine - big 2 beds bath quiet. No Internet! I take laptop to lobby - he says no one else has complained, I ask if he can get on - uh hahah - he can try! Reboots server, then I can get on. Haha. Squeaky wheel. Thanks!
 Heater in room (?) knocks me out - ~6:30-9 - bam zzzz! Hydrate -
 Good day, collected rocks, wood bits, photos - Bragg trips over xmas and New Year felt like mourning time for Mom (and Gil) - resting mind - I enjoyed today just for what it is, not much overthinking. Good sign. Settling back into routine. Life is okay - just this quiet little life is okay. And job makes it doable. I like this - but something else might also be good. I also liked living in Taylor w/Gil & Stacey.
 it's a 30min drive from Bragg to Navarro River Estuary - saw couple, sitting in folding chairs by riverside, relaxing/grooving on river - thought that looked pretty cool.
 Sat Jan 13.18 nm
 Packed/showered/smoothied - emptied trash bins, idiot checks sort of - clear cold'ish morning.. food, clothes, electronics - quiet. Don't feel like talking to anyone online,
 Want real people, real things in front of me I can touch and see and hear.
 Gas up Siouxie. Is her name Siouxie?
 It's okay - grow a pair, be a little more realistic and cynical, fatalistic, be kind, but don't daydream - life is hard, bad things happen, I need money, be less generous - esp w/strangers - support Xo, enjoy visits/meals w/Eric, immediate circle - but financially, w/Mom dead, fairy tales died, fear becomes more of a factor - it was always there, but now not hidden. Fear is my friend. Protect myself  - while being kind, generous (with time, not $$), patient with people.
 Be more cynical. Be afraid.
 Work work work. Save save save. Make sure my word is good. I'm an adult now - my word matters.
8:02, shit shower and shine. Road. 3 nights in Bragg/Mendo. Nice.
 I needed a month off after Mom died - instead I am taking long weekends.
 I am definitely (and defiantly) much more low energy distracted disconnected at work - no enthusiasm - expectations unrealistic, there's no one to talk to. No support. No respect. No one gives a fuck about our tiny little dept. Everyone is too busy with expansion into new bldg etc. Still, I will be swept along - doing training, themes, photos - tons of connections. I think I'm good. I mean, I don't sense they're getting rid of us - we are just low low priority right now; everyone is crazy busy. So keep my head down, do my job.
 Time for road. Drive. Gas up car. Cloverdale for more coffee. redwoods. Coast. Rain. :-) Happy - no place I'd rather be.
 *Cloverdale stop for mocha*: K mentioned possibly flying B to NY - hmm - if that is affordable, K does not need my financial support. No - not going to pay for bfs. Keep it for me.
 Playing live LF on drive, thinking about Scott - where is that part of my life settling? It was huge on-and-off 1981-2000 - then LF ended. 13yrs later he killed himself. What he needed was a life where he won all the times that he lost. With all his gifts & ego, he could not figure out why he had not succeeded as pop star. Failed pop star - then K convinced him he was failure as husband... as many women do to their men - finally he was convinced he was failure as father, his mental illness was hurting his children.. failure "I'm a failure!" Aside from computer engineering, making a living - he had failed.. 53, homeless, divorced again, possibly legally forced to stay away from his children - the thing he lived for. Okay. Still - he blew it - he missed watching his kids grow up. From afar? Too much for his big only-child ego? He was too hurt.
 People die. Those left behind go on living.
 Fri Jan 12.18 hm 5:40pm
 Finished E Leonard Western collection - cool.
 Got room 115 in Bragg Sat-Mon pm - ~$70./night.
 Appt w/Fitzer for left arm pain, Viagra & maybe 1-time Valium prescriptions. Wrote into info and emailed to him.
 Spent an hour in Conf Room going over CORE stuff - felt okay - info came back - another hour next week, then train one person Fri. I'm not doing any of the extras Head boss asked for - send samples, questionnaires, organize & train new people to do more training in LA. There is virtually no contact from her, from global, nor from Williams Lea our supposed bosses. Whatever the fuck - I come in, do my job, in theory that ought to keep me employed. I am more valuable than I know - even if I didn't do extras: photos, training, facepages, photo collection, CORE stuff, attend events. 
 Organized papers on desk, compiled to-do lists, link to HR-supported facepages to office, then ~8 minor changes/sent again.
 Not much work - others doing most all - I hope, because Randy told them I was feeling 'overwhelmed', so they're trying to ease up on me while I'm grieving.
 On Mary's fb page, saw Niece Lisa's pic of open bible from Mom's room - got weepy - uh-oh. Hmm. Burying some stuff? Maybe just need time - maybe will always miss my mother, my friend. We argued, we got irritated, even angry, we talked about everything, we both asked questions we wanted to ask - sometimes just wanted to hear each others' voices - and said that to each other -, talk about the weather.
 I want to be alone.
 No one.
 2 month whatever w/Mek was nice - but had to end.
 But think: 
 Mom & Gil dead, Sooz 12hrs away, Karen in England. Scott dead, and Game Theory/Photo Robert 'fame' over. Frida 'fame' pretty much over.
 Only local friends are Buff & DJ.
 Wow. No wonder I feel scared sometimes.
 Not good to be so isolated. Afraid of change, of old age, boredom. Fear not!
 But look life - my life, the only life there is I have any say over - and live it the way I want.
 This is a great job! Don't ever think it is not a great gift. Do it for Xo.
 I'm feeling sorry for myself too much - there's much to be grateful for, esp considering my personality and snarky attitude - to be in SF, in growing company, starting mid-tier during dotcom boom, now into largest bldg on West Coast, leading training into new style.
 Just do my best. That is all that is required. Can I do that?
 Yes - but - currently, best I can is a little less than usual because of deaths/general malaise/stress. So - okay - do best I can anyway.
 Live for moment - assume longer life.
 Music tomorrow night in Bragg at brewery walking distance to hotel - might be fun.
 Do not treat online relationships like real relationships. Maybe that was what was fucking with me about Mek. And it slipped over into others.
 But reality is I live alone, w/few local friends; I like it that way. But it is hard losing Gil... one year ago - Jan. 25th. Owch.
 Finally going into to se doc about arm.
 Also do annual check up on Camry after back from Bragg.
 Yes - I can do this. Yes I can.
 Thu Jan 10.18 nm
 Bragg this weekend
 Discussing erotic painting with several fb friends.
 Work slow.. CORE training next Fri - plenty of time to refresh.
 Finances not bad w/2 upcoming paychecks.
 Otherwise, procrastinating unmotivated -winter, death, overwork - feeling cot-off left alone by WL - no dept head, no one on west coast to talk to. Wondering if they mean to get rid of us? But who will train, take/upload photos, do facepages templates etc? Mmmm - probably keep us.
 Wed after work BB for berries soup pudding. Another night of pot/Duke Nukem walk throughs - but moving into cool documentaries about weird monuments history etc.
 Wed Jan 9.18 nm
 Where is my mind?
 Back to work - but level of depression in there?
 Tues in early to train 2 FEMPs - went okay. Then final facepages, now working closely w/HR for updates - sent it off, distributed, felt good to get that done.
 Today carve out time for CORE rehearsal, re-jigger Summer vacation - I think there are 2 trainings 3rd week of July I signed up for - check it out. Don't procrastinate.
 Talked to Sooz last night - she's healing from lady bits surgery - body pains. Getting a greenhouse for cactuses. Told her about Mek - said some hope for future friendship. She said I should do Bragg over 4-day MLK weekend - good for me.
 Me, back to work, it is biggest part of my life right now - so need to invest in it. If necessary talk to WL HR, and/or Bain HR. Esp re LA trips. Get that stress taken care of, off table. In theory, Randy will be doing LA - but nail it down.
 Make Doc appt.
 Get will info.
 Tues after work, walking home, thought "I like my life! I like my job!" Where did that come from - been a while! Good sign. Back to work irritation, instead of depression about dead friends/family. hahaha. Concord train, stop for sushi boat, nice walk home - so focused on work stress I walked past Shattuck almost down to Adeline - hahah! Damn. What can I do?? Talk to HR. Document where I'm at in a professional way.
 Reading Elmore Leonard western short stories - yep - good stuff.
 Quiet with NurMont & I after long personal chat on weekend - she said busy & hormonal - me, too I think - a short quiet is fine - we are there to take edge off loneliness, not to be partner every day. Desire for nudes not visible - probably there, but more subdued, and better idea of if and where they may come from.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Mon Jan 8.18 nm rain
 Expect good things, look for good things - feeling fearful, mopey, lazy is addictive - releases endorphin, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine - to counteract - expect good, deal with let-downs - there's always tomorrow.
 Make plans for weekends - sitting around all day is not good. I am so relieved this morning to go back to work, to fill my time, reassure myself of survivability - I am employable - job with some status.
 New pics sub from LR with permission from her dom.
 Long IM's/pics w/Nur Sat, quiet yesterday. Breaks are good. I am for now no longer asking her for pics. I accept her shyness. It means - a loss of tension of desire - asking. But asking has swerved into negotiating - and tho that's okay, and necessary - it felt - not very romantic. Getting them would end tension/desire altogether. It is what it is, where it is - it's fine. Some confusion was fun/exciting. As we get more comfortable, it gets less exciting. This is okay.
 Arc of attraction/romance is predictable - don't expect anything else. Be intelligent, respectful, kind, patient, forgiving.
 I have MK's gmail. Do I owe her an explanation? That's crux of uncertainty: in a mutually agreed-upon online fantasy relationship, do I owe her answer about people and activities in my real life? Isn't that an (unconscious) passive-aggressivel tactic to bring whole thing into real world, when we (supposedly) want it at a fantasy level - a place where we are more free to do/say/share what we want, explore without restraint. We were - and did - learning things about ourselves when we kept it at that level - I did not want to lose it. But it was over. Good while it lasted - ~2 months. Inevitably (?) real world emotions kicked in and it is over.
 I think I'm okay about facepage support from HR - I reacted badly - felt like I'd done something wrong, angry that momentum/glory grabbed/stopped. That is not the case. They are offering help. Be easy to work with. In long run being easy to work with will pay off.
 Sun late afternoon downtown bookstore; Bowl fruit/hot soup/salad/pudding. Watched Iggy movie with pudding - that was fun - pot & music. I knew story - still good to hear.
 I enjoyed sitting around, going to bed early.
 Some fears of poverty, old age... watching Iggy movie, seeing my past, dreams of youth gone.. now needing to survive. Umm - might be good to focus on that. Haha.
 Life's a beautiful bitch.
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Oh, realizing - missing daily contact w/Mk? - sort of? Some comfort there - but - relationships are hard enough, online fantasies bring their own issues, as the enjoyment inevitably creates craving for more, something solid, secure.
 Maybe now that Mom is gone, I'll be more open to other friends.
 Sun Jan 7.18 hm bed 1pm
 Here's reality.
 Home alone in bed.
 Gil & Mom dead. Karen & Sooz in far away lands.
 And - I think I'm okay with this.
 Sun Jan 7.18 nm
 Sat mostly sat around, lots of IM'ing w/folks (Tessa, Claro) neglected during Mk tornado - shower/wash hair, selfies (sitting in chair) for N, ~4:30 laundry, Pegasus for desk calendar, Mexican place nr UCB for dinner/margarita, Ben/Jerry big choc cone - too much! but I ate it to not waste. Boom!
 Rough sleep last night - dreams - about my marriage (to whom? Shelley?) and I was sposed to read responses, checked - paper w/passages not there - aha - person in charge had put them on roof of car, forgot, lost them - had I not checked it'd have been humiliating situation for me.
 Foggy morning.. now what?
 Do things today:
 Dates of Jazz Blues fest
 Photos of artwork for Will
 Online Will - list of Will stuff
 Fitzer/Doc appt for upper arm, viagra
 So actually, not much to do - maybe a Tilden stroll?
 Tidy cottage always good - but get out for walk, too!
 Maybe.. toss stuff from crowded shelves?
 Feels good, back to normal - fact that Mk bailed/blocked meant it was too much for her, too. She was not going to get what she wanted, rather than compromise she bailed. In my own way I also bailed - passive/aggressively leaned back, waiting for her to notice and chill. Sokay - people have flings, intense exchanges, then it's over, sometimes it hurts.
 Learning learning learning.
 Be today how I want for Xo/loved ones. Active, loving, excited, vivacious. Healthy.
 Happy days are here again.
 Looking back: Mk started ~Nov 3, immediate personal exchanges/sharing about Frida/Chrissie sexual/relationships stuff, her pushing/asking to talk on phone, I add to private fb page; sent Chrissie montages w/me (by way of Frida explanation/at Mk's request), she asks if I want nudes of her (Yes.), all in first week - wanting phone sex. Zooommmm!! No wonder if burned out fast. Too much for me. I should have said so? Or was it okay to assume it would slow down organically? Each situation is different - however - speaking up earlier is generally a good idea.
 I'm good. This life is good. No phoniness. Inheritance stuff done.
 Will & doc visit all's left.
 Sat Jan 6.18 nm II 9:36am
 "You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else"
 (Eman Hussein)
 The way I love Xo, Karen, Eric, Suzanne, Mom, Marge & john... Love myself that way - my love for my loved ones in not faultless, takes effort/energy  - my love for myself will not be perfect - love myself hard anyway.
 The self-loathing is in everyone - we all are born thinking we are gods - then it is beaten out of us and we are humiliated - trick is to give up childish egoism, but still see our self-value.
 I have valuable, I am lovable, I have valuable skills, I can learn, I am intelligent.
 Fri pm - work totally dead, bring clouded - work seems creepy/stressful - because I feel trapped, have not gotten over bitterness about working my whole life without retirement dream.
 Rockridge Bart, light steady rain - Stilton from shop, sushi boat for light meal/no sake (it can be done!); stroll in rain - 1.4miles, ~30mins. Good to clear head, eating good felt good - I thought: "If I want to feel good, eat good food."
 If I put work snacks, garbage in my body, to feed childish needs, to have what I think my peers/others had, I feed a selfish thoughtless emotional child = feel bad afterward. Eat good food, get what I want, prioritize good things, love myself; would I feed Xo garbage? No! I would buy her plane ticket so she could visit her cousins! I would feed her love and wholesome goodness!
 @hm, pass out early - after Stilton/bread snack - lv green deco light on all night - why? I don't know - because I love it.
 Dream: Somehow had gotten into van/short bus - with a few friends, a strange woman? Eventually I turn and see ~10 women - realize I have accidentally driven UBER bus to airport! Ask who is going to SFO - all raise hands - I say I am here by mistake but "Since I am a nice guy I will drive you all there." They take it well. After, in half-sleep, I contemplate driving bus to local police station to explain/take responsibility.
 Then I went outside, pissed on statue of Greek goddess in front of kitchen window - am I pissing on Dad's intelligence/worldview/knowledge of history? Or on women? On goddesses? Tradition? All?
 Was dream inspired by Mk relationship, saving women from cultural sexual oppression, encouraging them to love their bodies and pussies at all times - wet, messy, bloody - , embrace their sexuality/desires, have lots of happy free orgasms?
 Mk (see below) was taking up too much space. Feel sad, but lighter, more clear, less stressed.
 Getting a grip. New year, longer days, time passing getting used to Mom's absence, except in me, in my life, heart, mind, morals, personality. Mom is here in all but flesh.
 Value my job.
 Fri: Mom/Dad inheritance stuff - called Mony again (there was a computer glitch), mailed in NY/other paperwork. Supposedly I will get checks straight from them. But anticipate bullshit. MONY lost my first call's info (only $200 anyway). Beth or Anne were supposed to send two sets of forms, but I only got one from Anne. From other sibs reactions/texts there is the usual poor communication. Anticipate hiccups because it us humans involved. But eventually it will all sort out.
 Meantime, @ ~51, minus predictable expenses (WEF, Oregon, car, Jazz/Blues weekend) ~42. And extra 10 will kick it into sweet spot.
 Because I am blessed with fortunate rent situation I do feel obliged to help support trusted friends.
 It behooves one to eat well.
 Today: Laundry, groceries, photograph art for will. Slept in - chill - relax. It's my day off! :-)
 Yes. Thank you. be good today.
 Sat Jan 6.18 nm 9am
 Indian artist - we understood it's online and not gonna be in real world, but she kept slipping over - I did not follow - I held back so not to encourage her - but did not say enough? When I did bring up the wobbliness, she'd say she understood; and I/it seemed good for her, encouraging her to love her whole body, explore her sexuality - but.. 'friendship' part was hard to see...
 Fri morning she again complained that she'd seen I was online (which felt stalker-'ish), but not responding to her IMs (while I was chatting with other friends):
 me:  maybe we have to take a break - I can't keep explaining what's going on (referring to post-Mom lack of playfulness), and that I have less time
 you know this
 her:  Were u chatting with some one else
 me:  that is none of your business
 my friends are not your business
 nor are yours mine
 her:  Bye
 So she unfriended and blocked me.
 Mixture of relief/sadness - she's a really neat person, artist, teacher, soulful - sad the friendship did not survive, that I did not communicate my boundaries better (tho we did), but relief because I have other online and real-life friends I want to focus heart energy on, win or lose, fail or thrive - they deserved an honest time. Mk was feeling on life support, driven by her, by her needs - which I wanted to empower her to attain - but no. Post-mortem - what I could have done better.
 Biggest failure - I did not tell her early on, that another longer-term online friendship had recently become more serious, and needed attention. Instead I assumed Mk & I would cool off, not be able to keep up that level of intense sexual energy for a long time -
 - she sensed it. Yes. I could have said "There's another person - recently become more serious - and it's not fair to you and her, not myself to try to keep up both. So let us be friends."
 That would have been best. Why did I not do that? Because I was enjoying attention, flattery, banter, sexy photos/vids, sex talk...? Tried to keep them separate - but felt how one influenced other: same shared photos, drive and pace of one influencing other as I learned how to do online friendships. Okay. I am forgiven. I did my damndest not to do both because it was somehow good for my ego - I know that's garbage.
 Emotions matter. Words count. Sex is not separate from emotions.
 I owed her more honesty simply as a human being, out of common decency.
 Don't punish myself. Do better next time.
 It was hard to get a grasp on - because her 'stalker'ish' actions were balanced by her assurances -  but:
 her:  Were u chatting with some one else
 was clearly over the line
 me:  that is none of your business
 was the correct response - line in the sand - boundary.
 but - but - if I'd been more forthright in beginning, it needn't have got to that point.
 I think she over-reacted - but that goes to show what I know: It's her life/world/feelings, not mine to judge. I knew her well enough to say something earlier; but I wanted to let positive sexual stuff play out/cool off on its own - I gambled - when I didn't cool off, I got passive - when it still didn't, I got passive aggressive. Saw the opening. Played my aggressive card. Boom!
 And well - glad it's over.
 It is my way, the man way: back off till they get hysterical then say your hysteria is a drag.
 Learn. It made a mess, hurt her, and caused stress in my life. All I had to do, was tell her the truth. Hmp.
 Thu Jan 4.18 nm
 Indian artist upset about my quietness/withdrawn, nothing much I can do, more than I've done, I've explained about Mom (and Gil), been clear about her & I, I think, both of us, from beginning - hiccups, road bumps..
 But yes, unconsciously, I think it was too much along w/other more established internet friends, some flesh-based - so when pressure to chill/have mental space after Mom's death, more established ones got more attention. Makes sense.
 Reading History of Indian art.
 Looked through Spanish language pages from N. So many words! Go slow, easy, daily.
 Affirm, protect my boundaries. Speak honestly. Do it now. Do not place blame. Accept responsibility.
 Wed at wk, hit facepages hard - split AC/Cons into 2 pages each, dug deep into ADAPT (which is uncertain tight now), talked to team members face-to-face/online/IM, email, arrange for proofing, talked to John R (gay work friend). Good to re-engage, on my terms, getting control of my job. Fuck all the other nonsense. Make time to do my job, and otherwise have them leave me alone. Hahahahah.
 At work, sit on on TSG Outlook module. And others?
 Maybe what I learned from coast trips: a lot of my feeling overwhelmed is Mom & Gil's deaths making it harder to do job. No support from company. No respect.
 Cleaning out work desks/drawers is good, getting on top of things - so when I leave work, I leave it all behind. That means getting on top of CORE. Do the best I can. Always.
 Moderate quake ~2am - back to sleep after 30min, up ~6:30 - groceries after work last night.
 Getting back into groove - here we go.
 2017 is over, time to move on, regain happiness and equilibrium.
 Wed Jan 3.18 nm
 How much info do I owe to online flings? This is a good question.
 Indian artist threw herself in early and fast, I think therefore it burned itself out sooner? I don't know if it is general malaise about Mom, or burn out as we rushed, now it feels redundant - tho a cool phenomena - , or other friends who need attention/care. All of that. It's natural for things to cool off. I don't necessarily have to explain. It is not unfair.
 Then there's another longer-term, which needs more attention - and without realizing it I was pulling back to give more there. Do I need to explain that?
 Bit wooly from almost whole bottle of sake last night - 2 half bottles - Advil, bagel/butter, eggs Odwalla & cappuccino have helped.
 Got paperwork from Anne for Mom/Dad's $$ -  ~$10K - that will help get me back where I was headed before 2017 6K to Stacey, ~4K to K, 1K to Eric? Fills in for that, thanks M - time to redo budget at work.
 Lists and get through them.
 Practice CORE.
 Keep tossing out crap at work - and do what I can - maybe not Mgr/Prt photos. That was when we had dept head, some free time, a sense that we were paid attention to, that good work is recognized. Not anymore. Nada. We are cut off and ignored. When I asked about title change/compensation, I was told that'd be for new dept head - but there isn't gonna be one. hahahahah.
 Okay. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Tue Jan 2.18  9:22pm
 Just talked to Sooz who is recovering from surgery - good, deep convo - drank ~whole bottle sake during...  drinking water - will I be hung-over... ? a bit intoxicated... mild.. fumbly...
 ... anyway... organizing at work.. feeling more optimistic - tossing tons of crap...
 There - was - cannabis hits - phrase wanted to write...
 This is a tough time.
 I'll get through it. This is normal life stuff. No whining.
 If I need a bit extra time because of this stuff, don't be drama mama - some of these people may have suffered way worse tragedies and pain - death is a normal part of life - but this not to scold myself or deny my feelings/pain, but tacky to bring it up, except maybe obliquely, if necessary.
 This is a tough time.
 I'll get through it.
 I'm going to be okay.
 Oh so - Cherry Pie from Mendo - good pot - high.. thought I wasn't feeling it on coast - but I was just.. on coast...
 Life is sad... enjoy it while you got it...
 Mon Jan 1.2018 Bragg hotel 7:43
 7ft high tides ~9:30 - guess I'm trying for that.. leave ~9? Smoothie, shower pack out - sleep ~11-7 on and off - bit deepest sleep ever, but pretty good. Sitting sipping coffee.
 I had an optimistic thought a few minutes ago, now it's gone. New years kind of a drag - it is sold as an end, a farewell - okay - old acquaintance be forgot etc, 2017 lost best friend and Mom, so can't call it a good year - yet - context is good: friend, job etc - health - my photos used in GT rereleases/Supercalifragile - good reviews - online Frida-montage-related acquaintances/flirtation/friendships - supporting K&Xo - Xo visit in August.. Jazz/Blues fest w/Eric, Oregon vacation - if I add it all up it was a good year.
 2018, marker in the sand, less over-eating, opportunity for better sib relationships, almost certain to happen organically - deaths sober me up and face reality without losing sense of wonder/joy about life. Kindness and heart of Stacey to give me Gil's leather jacket, music on iPod, ashes, sheriff badge, etc. Kindness and example of Mom & Dad to take care of funeral/flights etc in advance. In both cases, their deaths were not as bad as could have been - their friends/family were nearby at end. Did not quite realize depth off losing Gil, till Mom died and he is not hear to tell. What is lesson? Be kinder, more giving, more generous of my time.
 Somehow organize work - then follow-through - do it! No more sitting there.
 No one will notice if I sit there stewing depresses demoralized unhappy.
 They will notice if I am trying hard, struggling, doing best I can - even if I fail - if it is too much for one person it will be visible. And I will feel better if I am trying.
 Turning 64 this year, realizing I will not retire ever - that is part of crisis.
 Aging - seeing illusion of having options fade - is part of life. (We all want to feel young forever.)
 Anything - any insights? No  -I know what I have to do - and I just have to do it. Get organized at work is a big one. Instability of no dept head, and solo on CORE training is fucking with me - do ask for support. And do my best. That is the only answer. It is not going to go away.
 New slide style/app changes: Practice practice practice. Organize desk. Get off Facebook. Yes. I can do that.
 I am a very lucky person. I am (trying to be) the best Robert Toren I know how. That is all that is required.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Sun Dec 31.17 hotel 8:05pm
 No internet - 
 Jurassic World football, classical music on TV, but mostly horrible garbage.
 This morning IM w/N 1hr at Starbucks, Mendo headlands - sit nap - mideast salad - groceries for Odwalla/Mint cookies, sushi - Big River beach, hit of cannabis, walk to end, through soft muddy sand, beautiful bluffs - decent long walk, overcast but lowly shiny water/surf - same shiny cloudy skies reflected in flat ocean I liked about Oceanside -
 Back to headlands - park south lot, sun cutting through, nap sitting up 4-4:30 - walk to north rock formations and back, super low tides - big cloudy skies very nice -
 High tide 7ft tomorrow ~9:30 - should get out for that? or chill morning & Starbucks internet assuming still out at hotel - maybe I've seen enough high tide splashies at north headlands -
 I'm a bit depressed about Mom dying and work stress - so joy of splashies will return.
 Leftover NY steak for dinner - now shower, cannabis, pack - get ready for early out tomorrow.
 Mendocino is great - so much natural beauty - and internet break good - I left phone behind once or 2x, but as Buff pointed out, I have it with me almost always - addicted to technology/social network.
 2018 lose weight, get work together, do a will, end-of-life desires.
 Karen & Xo going back to UK tomorrow evening. Sad not to see them, but looks like they're having a good time.
 Sun Dec 31.17 Bragg hotel 8:22am
 Sat no plans... sunny/cloud beautiful - facebook ad for Skunk Train, what the hell - book $25 ticket for 1hr loop - meantime look into local mechanics in case Camry dies - some closed, nearby shop I knew of shut-down. Okay. She's working fine for now... station ~10:30, slow boring out and back, tho morning light/redwood groves, swampy dark forests quite nice! - send pics/vids to several friends. My mood is gloomy, but life is okay. Probably mostly new years cold short days gloom - and usual holiday expectations / pressures. Too bad - a call to Mom would have been nice.
 Thanks heavens we had so many good calls and years - no regrets.
 Mendo. Headlands nr Main St, that corner parking spot, one hit of Cheery Pie - virtually no effect - but nice walk, mind dark, not serene; worked through as hours passed - let myself be happy, not want anything more than what I have/had, which was good, defines happiness - not only do I have enough - food, shelter, clothing, wholesome recreation, career, friends and loved ones, network, fairly stable mind - coffee! - and relaxing days alone like this are really good for me.
 Okay - so - Mr. Overthink :-D - walking back from lovely coast (yes, it looked extra lovely, so some cannabis effect - get some for Eric), fire engines etc near my car - uh-oh - did ash from pipe set Camry on fire?? No - homeless folks had big bonfire on beach - cool! - but someone called it in! So they had to respond - dozens of folks lined bluffs watching - small town entertainment - Fireman on coast chatting with civilians "The biggest waste of time is putting out that fire. The second biggest waste of time is ticketing those folks. They'll ask 'Where do you live?' - he'll say 'That bush!'" Hearty fireman talk - everyone laughing - good times.
 Heavy tongues of fog coming in - walk around town - fill thermos w/coffee for this morning (mmm), berries/soup/Odwalla @ grocery store. Slow & easy - get supplies, fill my eyes, stretch my legs - so beautiful, yes, it's okay - and $65 room in Bragg works just fine. This is good - resting body - observing thoughts and mind settles down.
 I see specific hang-ups, some worth working on, some not so much - family is not likely to be resolved by thinking - work: thinking has not worked - talk to someone? But really, not a lot of trouble in mind. Addicted to facebook. An annoying ego. Avoiding taking death seriously - normal adult lifework.
 mmm - these mornings in hotels, pjs, well-rested, smoothie, sit with laptop, thermos coffee, write a bit.
 After headlands, beach fire, shopping -~ 3:30 back to Bragg through heavy sun-blocking mist - hotel, eat chicken soup & crackers, then McKerricher - cannabis, through fir grove to dark misty coast, slow north to overlook & wooden path. Mind quiet - body content happy. Niiiccee.....
 Home then Fusion restaurant  - take a chance on steak, but too full, tho it was really good and well-done! - 1 cocktail, 1 scoop ice cream, box half of steak - $40.. stuffed to hurting point! Unwise, but I wanted to do it.
 @home IMs with L, helloes - but mainly wanted to fade out get to bed/bath.. ~8 say bye.. bed...
 Sorry fellas - end of year quiet time - but say something - don't leave people hanging - Gil called me on that, that I disappear - let people know - that is the way to treat people you care some about - it is not all about me -
 Whatever - bed ~8 probably, too wiped for bath - on and off deep sleep all night & up ~7:30 - no internet..
 Almost 9 now - wank, shit, shower & shine... Big River trail maybe?
 Figure to stop in SR for meal w/Eric Mon Jan 1.2018 - bathe/pack tonight?
 And yes - yes - I feel it - will it pass?: Lack of Mom, lack of someone to push back against - absent enforcers of childhood moral boundaries - absence of people I disappoint by default - I am free to do as I please, with no sense of self-righteous "I know better than You!" No home to return to shame-faced if I fail. They would say "We are just human beings!" but they were also - as devout Roman Catholics - enforcers of higher moral standards than any human being can attain. So we could not meet. But we tried. We wanted it. And we, in the main, got what was available in the circumstances. And I did not surrender my principles - which was, as an outsider, I saw lies and hypocrisy - and said I will not base my relationships with you on your lies and fantasies - I don't know what truth is, but I know it's not your 'truth'.
 Massive blocking boulders of Catholic theology between us, keeping us from contact as human beings.
 So Sat: Much sleep, smoothie/coffee, look into local mechanics, IMs, Skunk train, Mendo headlands, beach fire put out, walking/shopping in town, MacKerricher, steak dinner, IMs, big comfortable sleep.
 Sleeping alone has new edge, after Mom dying alone. She wanted to live alone.
 Sat Dec 30.17 Bragg hotel 8:15am
 Yes, in spite of hesitancy about Fri off and drive to coast etc, right thing to do.. just so tired, stressed about work, & weary after death of best friend and Mother.
 Took it easy on way up, Cloverdale gas & coffee, stop in redwoods briefly, sunny most all way up! Lovely - sunlight make all the difference. Downtown restroom, coast stroll, headlands... etc... fill thermos, got 1/8 Cherry Pie cannabis...
 ... ~4pm drove to north end headlands lot to chill, figured to hit Bragg, catch tail end of sunset.. oops - Baby won't start... electric rattle sounds like starter fucked.. call AAA... long conversation explaining to someone in another country where I am... I try key again and she starts. Um yay! But shit! But augh!! Hmm. Drive by mechanic today to look at it? Or risk driving around this weekend & trip home. Sigh. I dealt with it okay... but bummer. Hey, and this 2nd time my car - Siouxie - has broke down at that parking lot!
 Anyway - make Bragg hotel, ask if 115 is available, it is - cool - same as last weekend, easy, L shaped 2 big beds. Dinner, again to Aztec Fusion place, chicken enchiladas,  2 cocktails, once scoop spicy choc ice cream - $30 - good food - good service.. alright!
 At hotel, IM Buzznet Bobby about mdma for her depression - weary - lay on bed ~8? Pass out till 11? Not sure but at some point undressed & sleep again - up ~2, internet - back to sleep, on and off till ~7:30.. added up ~10hrs.. needing it.. I think stress of work and deaths is hard on body is all.
 And work seems cruel,, and there is no help nor support.. no humanity... not only piled on work, no one to discuss title/compensation.. when your mother dies you get one week off... nice. Yeah. Drawing a line. Angry. Hurt. Disrespected. What have you done for us lately?
 Okay, well fuck you too then. Except that only hurts me. They've made it impossible to do the job well.
 And the anger is not good for me mentally or physically.
 Unhappy about reality of working till you die. Capitalist fantasies.
 Do the best I can anyway.
 I can't fail, unless I want to.
 I'm beginning to think of talking to someone - psychiatrist, counselor or something - to get past this angry block... thinking I'm special, instead of counting my blessings.
 Anyway - slow wake up - good dreams.. Iceland Isabelle from Davis - so cute and fun.. modeled for me, and me for her - nudity, art, beer, abandoned migrant camps on hot summer days.. good times...
 .. sun, blue skies with clouds.. yummy smoothie, thermos coffee... yes... slow easy morning... fb IM helloes... got ticket for 11am Skunk train 1 hour loop around lake - perfect.
 2hrs to chill, shower... no plans.. nothing to desire... I have everything I need... that is most important.. putting on weight... but good digestion lately...
 Okay - shower, drive car by mechanics.. then Skunk train.
 Life is good. Breath deep into this moment. I am in a state of grace, but my anger and desire blocks the sun.
 Taped rent check to back window Fri morning.
 Fri Dec 29.17 nm
 Slept well - tho some weird dream, which don't recall, but violence of some sort? Still ~11-6:30 slept comfortable & warm, woke up feeling good - weepy here and there, but probably general holiday/new year gloom. Packed, caffeinated, leaving.
 Part of me does not want to go to coast.. but.. alternative is hang around town.. sounds pretty empty... I'll be glad I did, esp if weather sites are correct and it's partially cloudy/sunny.
 Ah.. just now checked bank acct, today's paycheck has $200 payback from Dallas. Just have to keep an eye on it. Do it. Keep this job. I'd be a fool to throw it away.
 Do will, make list for 2018, and get it all done.
 Sat & Sun on coast - um, yes. Remembering a walk down Big River fire trail, how my legs hurt, & I assumed it was permanent pain - but was Gil-related. Top left arm pain fading, too, tho core point of discomfort is restricting. It's not okay!
 2018 - take care of shit.
 Thu Dec 28.19 hm bed 9:37pm
 Taking day off Fri - work super slow, 3 folks in, w/my Mom dying, me not getting much of a break, it's reasonable. 4 days off work - Fri-Mom - New Year weekend.
 Feeling good about it - last weekend I felt hyper weird crazy part of it - rushed - desperate - shivers and passing out one night - general dizzy wiped out-ness. That relaxing time helped, this is follow-up - last weekend I went from deep confusion and searching, to feeling like I had a basic grip. This weekend takes it further, maybe to happiness.
 Mk sounds upset I am needing quiet time? Make contact, talk & be honest - not reactive.
 K in LA till Mon. She's getting to visit old friends - good. So gets to spend time with mixed cultural & racial family members - she looks so happy, with Anita & Carol's kids. And they look happy to be with her. Right on.
 Straight home from wk, BB: bread/sandwich, soup, burrito bowl, eggs, salad... travel food. Cool. At home: packed, shower, etc.. pillow, gloves...
 In car at bb lot, phone dinged, live (pre-recorded) vid of KC Bowman doing percussion track for Gil's Touch of a Clone - so good, what a nice treat. Along with mementos, keeping Gil alive.
 Anyway - not looking forward so much to drive, but yes - coast - showers - meals - free time - ocean - headlands - full moon high tides - partially cloudy - sounds great! Cheap hotels this time of year - $68 - so I like this? Everyone is stressed at work - I won't get any special attention for complaining - do as I'm told, do best I can, keep my head down - use my credit card etc. One day trips to LA? Hmm - already settled - but I think it's gonna be a 2-3 day thing anyway. Make it work. Do my best. Be a trooper.
 Breath. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Wed Dec 27.17 nm
 No blog Tues?? Hmm... Tues Up ~7, shower/pack out, cm-vid2mk, Mendo headlands, walk, whale, sunny/cloudy - dazed - mind resting so its okay - leave myself alone -
 Back to car @noon - overcast - Eel R overflowing onto road but passable - Gil's Tull/Benefit on player -
 Weird, a little - or not - wearing Dad's wedding ring & Gil's jacket, playing his music, ashes in a container - bringing home sand dollars w/barnacles - 
 Mainly straight through - light traffic - apple place coffee/stretch legs - home ~4:15? still light - easy pack in etc. WF for fruit/pudding/bread/turkey dinner.
 Thought about work on coast - it is too much, and that is situation everyone is in - my situation is complicated by laxly of dept head/support from company, lack of support from temp head/Randy - so, what to do? Suck it up?
 1.) Cover my ass by bringing it to everyone's attention, so no one can say I should have said something.
 2.) Take control of my work flow: make bullet point, prioritize, claim time to practice CORE stuff & certified training principles. Let everyone know, make a schedule - 2 hours/ day every other day. Follow through. If I say it, do it!.
 3.) Do my best. Always.
 And it will be okay.
 It's going to be okay.
 I can see from distance of coast that work is hard for everyone, but freezing is not going to help. I've felt paralyzed and resistant. That will not help.
 Doing my best will help.
 Enjoy/appreciate  my friends. Spend more time w/Buff. I will regret it if I don't. If his drinking make me uncomfortable, that's my problem - be away from him when he drinks.
 Do a will - do rough draft at work. Find lawyer through AARP. Photograph artwork.
 Make copies of photos from WV.
 My life is easy - enjoy these years - they are good years. I will be okay. Be responsible.
 Mon Dec 25.17 II bragg hotel 7pm
 Hang at hotel till ~11, IM chatting, open Stacey's glass dancer/faun present - cool! - shower, pack food, etc - south headlands, beautiful sunny almost warm morning! - lots of people out, eat Bowl salad in big bowl - that's good! Walk north - lovely but high tide not till 3 - still, good rough churning/splashing! And the sun through clouds so cheering  - pretty much forgot it was 'xmas'. Mom's passing helps with that.
 Drive south to Little River airport - not much to see - IM w/K - she checking in on me - sent pics/video of Xo, Anita etc on xmas morning.- I'm okay, she's having lots of body pain - trouble getting off ground standing up etc - like I did w/Gil; I tell her I think it's partially circumstances, once she's settled/away from E she'll feel better.
 South to pullover before bridge, walk to coast & back - lovely day - then south headlands ~2 - apple, surf rough but not spectacular. I ate a chocolate bar which lead to through an hour of irritation about work. What to do -
 I need to be more organized, put more time into CORE, practicing training skills etc.; let other stuff fill in time after that. CORE has to come first.
 Getting tired/hungry - Bragg - no coffee anywhere!! :-O Brazilian place in Main St. - chicken/potatoes/2 cocktails - pricey and really good!! Nuria IMs as I'm finishing. Follow up at hotel.
 Now? Kind of wish I had pipe for some high TV.. hmp. I doubt eating buds last night did anything.
 So today: Present from Stacey, IM pics etc from Karen & Xo, Hi to Lo, shower, salad in car, walk sunny headlands, airport, fields/coast south of town, north headlands, early dinner in Bragg.
 Nice. Mental processing, mainly relaxing, letting mind heal on its own.
 I got a little Zen - about desire causing pain - about what others do is their problem/not about me. etc.
 Mon Dec 25.17 Bragg hotel 8:21am
 hmmm - Sun pm bath was nice, cups of sake in the dark - hot water - gentle defused light through window - no remote, so no TV! :-O
 K sending pics of Xo w/cousins, precious memories - she looks so happy, contented, fulfilled. I played a peripheral role in encouraging them to stay south, take advantage of relaxing time, friends in area, and helping financially. It's all I can do, tho is this case it's not much of a sacrifice, since I'm needing time alone as well.
 I keep looking for 'Mom feeling' on a grand scale, and that's there - while she was alive she was still 'Mom' - never entirely a 'person' - I felt cheated, suspected maybe she did too, because Dad was so difficult, and she so reticent, so we'd not had an honest Mother-Son, or any other, relationship - so we had successful hybrid, friends, but also Mother-Son. Healing. Good. I am so blessed - give myself a bit of credit for looking and asking for what I wanted/needed.
  - anyway - yes, losing parent/Mother is huge - worst is losing a friend - someone I told most all to. In end, I gained some sanity.
 'Slept' ~9:30-6:30? Hotel 'pastry' - Starbucks coffee/smoothie - Slept in 2nd bed by back window - fun to have big space and 2 beds. Room 115.
 Sun in sky, mostly cloudy - no plans at all - seem to have no desire to make any - let that happen - cool - this is perfect then, just what I needed - I could make it a 4th day - call in sick Wed. I think not necessary... but I can call in sick if I want, yes I can.
 Wheel-spinning discussions continue w/N re importance of seeing her - she sent nice discreet xmas pic. I already have so many! So why desire more? - because.. it is a contact, like talking every day - even just to say hi - and her need to hear she is beautiful - I need regular refueling, reaffirmation that she also wants to share that part herself with me. If she does not? She says she wants to, but is difficult - shy. It'd be easier of she just said no. 'Want to but shy' keeps golden ring tortuously just out of reach. Then it hurts. Pain is not good. Pain leads to resentment. Hmm. It is not about me. If I want to not feel pain - I can manage that. Look to myself.
 Always - look to myself.
 If it hurts - then I'm looking for something that is not coming to me naturally. It is my desire hurting me. Look to it.
 Xmas present from Stacey. No more xmas nor birthday cards from Mom.
 Good - time alone - sitting - no pressure - no schedule - letting my body & mind relax. Yes. Grateful. Breath. Be glad. Sad things happen, but life is not sad! I may be tired, and grieving, but life is not sad! Keep my spirits up!. Help others.
 9:30 - quick shower, drive to Mendo., because why not, also there's a road just south says 'airport' - curious... perfect - sun out - fed, coffeed, checked in with friends online.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Losing 2 friends this year is hard - but life is still sweet. I want what I have. Don't want what I can't have. Learn difference.
 Sun Dec 24.17 II hotel 7pm
 Just back from Denny's xmas meat & tater/shake dinner.
 ~11 north to Westport, stop @beach before, climb rock formation, eat pbj - overcast but nice - Tull/Benefit from Gil's Nano - explore/photo Westport - tiny! Pretty hawk on wire, watching through binoculars when it swooped down along highway - very cool sight! Starbucks mocha and chicken wrap from store - walk around headlands and sit bottom of steps near beach - emotions all day, but mainly good - losing Mom after losing Gil means reassessments//readjustments - not self-pity, but unhealthy to pretend it's no big deal. Meditate, dry weep, feel more like an adult. what changes, what remains. Is it just illusion gone, or something more? Is illusion gone?
 Head south ~2 - glaring light through clouds/blue patches. Nap @overlook. Cross bridge @10-Mile Beach, pullover I'd noticed on way up - park/walk down to dunes/ocean - beautiful glaring overcast, nice flat hard sand beach/cool dunes. Sand dollar with barnacle! Cool! Then find 3 more just like it. Hmp. Still cool, but...
 Bragg, Starbucks to fill thermos for tomorrow; no sunset, dinner at Denny's. Ate a small chunk of bud (since I forgot pipe) - no high but I am sleepy - is that it?
 Bath now. Rough sleep last night - maybe catch up tonight.
 Sun Dec 24.17 Bragg hotel 8:47am
 Sat fatigue stick hit at headlands - off-balance at groceries and more so at hotel.. hmmm... but great room!!
 Starbucks thermos coffee still warm and yummy.
 Even now - physically off-balance.
 Last night ~7(?) laid clothed on bed  - napped hard for ~2hrs? Mentally not right - combination of holiday emotions/loneliness,
 Mom's death was a shared bonding moment for all of us 6 kids. I made bed in her apt for Tom (doesn't matter that it was too small - I did it); when we got call @6am that Mom might be going we drove over together, etc. It shows we can work as a team when necessary. Mary arranged to buy, then packed (emotionally charged) photo albums; I called UPS, dropped them off to be shipped. After couple of teasings, I suggested to Joan that, in circumstances, less teasing better, & that "new normal is Robert gets treated like s fucking adult." When Beth was creating chaos, Mary and I called time-out, took morning off at Starbucks, came back and took care of business. I don't like her mockery (and I think probably that's how she treats most people - esp. men), but we are a good team in a crunch. Anne is amazing - poor dear.
 Anyway - yes, Mom's death churned up Gil's maybe - hell of a year, 2017, to lose best friend and Mother. So take care of myself!
 I feel this - pre-xmas - tension in neck/head - skin of head - numbness of skin - ants crawling - physical manifestation of tensions, grief, fear - fearful knowledge that this will all end, my life will end, with it world, all existences, no one knows that is happening.
 9am - thinking, overcast, cold, but no rain - shower smoothie and drive to Westport to explore more.
 Long IM w/N just now. It is nice. We both seem to accept it for what is it, and enjoy.
 Now - shower, and Westport, maybe for brunch!
 Checking in w/K and internet friends is helpful.
"I mean if you did that .."
"That would be ok with you?"
"I haven't really thought about it
It doesn't seem like a thing you would do
But yes if you were naked there in front of me with your legs apart
And let some saliva drip down onto your mons and pussy
And said lick that up Robert
I'd do that in a heartbeat you bet babe.
I hope you're not grossed out by my saying that I would lick your saliva off your pussy
But I'm afraid that's the fact"
"Uhhhhhhh NOPE
No problem with that at all
Get to licking!!!! "
"Hahaha you don't have to tell me twice
I am getting hard just thinking about it"
"Please do
Get hard that is"
"Walking around half erect now I hope you're proud of yourself!"
 Sat Dec 23.17 bragg 5:31pm
 Slept mehhh - up @6:30. Fri pm showered & packed - smoothie, etc. Food, clothes, toiletries for 3 nights. Pillow. 3 coats. Blender.
 Nomad till almost 8 - easy drive - frantic body, but mentally pretty good - nice morning, some sun, stop in on Eric to say hi, tell him about Mom's last week. Was able to tell it without getting emotional - good sign? More about - illusion is gone, they were not Gods, they were not 'home', if they die, so will I - I am now (I keep writing 'not an adult' hmm) an adult - fully responsible for my own ass. That's good. Mom had a good death.
 Getting good with: Anne found Mom, Beth cleaned out her apartment (after mom laying there for at least 2 days); in comparison, my moment with her during last breath is a minor plot twist. Last breath was not her dying; whole 6 days was her death/dying. That Bible is not magic - it's family bible no matter who has it. Done. I like how that's going - processing.
 Stop in Cloverdale (gas/starbucks), Boonville etc - not in redwoods - a bit weary. Photos to friends. Walk headlands a bit. IM w/L in town. Nap at headlands, nur IM'd, we have good chat - but tired; stroll north headlands half-asleep - lovely - apple - groceries - Bragg Starbucks > thermos. Hotel - say "In perfect world: ground floor, tub, windows." Rm 115  - big L-shaped 2 big beds. Nice. Good wifi. Cool.
 Realized I'm wearing Gil's leather jacket, carrying some of his ashes, and listening to his tunes in the car on his nano Tull/Benefit. Maybe this trip is more about Gil than Mom - maybe her death brought his to fore, more ready to deal with it, in light of reality of Gods and Home dying. Maybe both - deal with it, move on up into 2018.
 And do a will - cheap cremation, art to who (Eric, Karen first pic), quilt to Xo, car to Sooz, Scott photos to Dan and Kristine, etc.
 Don't wanna crash too soon - but whatever - bath? TV.
 I have no energy. Hard year losing best friend and Mother. I'd be wise to take it easy on myself, keep an eye on my mental state (I have been extra impatient and cynical), etc - this kind of thing can affect one's health.
 MacKerricher - ocean walk... mmm... close to glass beach.
 Mk sent lots of nice pics and a vid.
 Fri Dec 22.17 nm 3:23pm
 Half-day @wk, totally dead - Lv noon, big laundry - wifi not working, so Nomad for bagel, egg, coffee - then groceries & pack, tidy cottage - nice. Nice to be at Nomad.
 Nice to have 4+ days off - total is like a day off - lv early Sat - Sun/Mon Bragg - Tues morning and head home - down coast (Eric @Mom's)?
 Most important to have time alone - back to work days after burying Mom was not wise. 
 IM'd w/K re PayPal $, that I can afford it, and said I'd pay for Xo's way (plus lawyers and sundry expenses). K says Xo is very fulfilled hanging out with her cousins - I love hearing that. I may not be around much, but helping with travel & other expenses, so she has a good life, and relationships with CA family, and Mom there in Barc for her 9th, is a good godfather thing. "Thanks for everything." You're welcome Xoxo. I love you. I miss you. Here is $100." That means we trust you to use learn to use money wisely.
 Painful not to see them, but we've been in touch in the same time zone, and decision is right one. I need relaxation & time alone - not a busy stressful visit.
 Looks like sun gonna set @4:30?
 Having some nice brief chats w/women (mostly artistic) I met through Frida montage - strange, but they were kind of hit and miss, then I flew home to WV in April, in aftermath of Gil's dying - still much affected - offered my 70s hippie selfies to three - to my utter surprise they all said yes - since there's been more sharing, more chat and questions, slow and easy and mainly easy and fun. It has been healing for me, that anyone is interested in my body - then or now. All have now seen recent ones - but vibe I'm getting, tagged responses, is 70s shots are preferred, less emotionally loaded, more fun for fantasies of sex with young hippie Robert. Hedonistic hippie fantasy. Why not? What is sex if not fantasy. Super fun, yay. :-)
 Sooo... breathing... living... mind distracted by Mom thoughts, a lifetime churned up. A family - a set of 6 Toren kids - reconsidered.
 Pretty settled about my role in Mom's last minutes - I am grateful for memories, that I was able to do the right thing - but it was a family experience; drawing any attention to myself about it would be wrong-headed - we are all grateful for how it went. "Perfect." Joan said. Prodigal son. And keeping the Bible would have been claiming some Special position - as, "The one!" So letting it go may be a good move in the long run. Let it truly be The Family Bible.
 Maybe some day, Ethan or Lisa might say, "This is the bible that was being read by Mom's bedside, when she took her last breaths." Powerful. 23rd Psalm - thank you.
 Ocean - time to take my sorrows to the ocean. Showers, and walks by the coast, maybe some cannabis and surf walking. Redwoods. All good.
 And, $500 to Eric, ~$3K to K, treated sibs in WV. If one has more than the others - then like M&P - and Marge & John - you help those less well-off. You just do. I feel it is a right thing to do. I don't expect anything back from them.
 Spanish book - something positive and cool to do with my time.
 Thu Dec 21.17 nm
 Booked Oceanside cabin & requested PTOs, for 9 days late July - 2 weeks PTO = 16 days altogether. 3-3.5 days to get there if I want it - 2.5 to get home. Cool. Notably, vacation during longest days of year doesn't seem to matter to me any more.
 Booked Bragg hotel 3 nights Sat-Tues - Fri do laundry/groceries - thermos of Nomad coffee, leave early Sat.
 Already snagged 4-day MLK weekend, 4-day bday weekend, 4-day WEF weekend. Nice.
 Request Jazz/Blues weekend PTO, too.
 Called bank (?) about Mom's insurance policy. Let's assume it is ~$6K - any more will be gravy. Waiting for form, from Anne, to mail in.
 Back off female fb 'friends/etc - I am needy because of losing Mom, acting like a heartsick teenage. It's embarrassing. Give less, demand less time. I am alone, as are we all. Keep ties, but don't throw in so much emotional blather. Going to be lonely dark times on coast.
 Look at first part of this day's blog: Oregon vacation, Bragg/Mendo xmas, bday & other long weekends... Jazz/Blues etc - all because of this job, cheap rent etc. Enjoy while I can. This is fine, I am good, life is good - I don't need emotional support some inner child in me apparently thinks it needs. I need adult companionship -
 - withdraw a little this week - take care of Mom loss damage, fear - there's an imagined gap in my happy dreams - that Mom would always be there - , maybe tears to share with ocean. Maybe Mom & Gil will always be there so long as I miss and remember them. Talk to them. One hates to put friends on a besties scale, but yes - no one knew me like Gil - deep as my heart goes to others, Gil was a friend. Irreplaceable. Shit.
 Slept decent - Wed post-work groceries, at work depressed & on way home - felt better having food (smoothies) in house and bowl of warm clam chowder. Eat warm food. Don't let myself get hungry.
 Hurts a bit to have K so near - LA - and no visit - but totally makes sense! Big expense for a short stressful visit.
 Short day tomorrow/Fri - then prep for coast - in gift car from Sooz - life is good!
 Yes. Thank you Be good today.
 Wed Dec 20.17 nm
 Sore throat fatigue continued Tues - home a bit early - Sooz called, word out mentally physically from surgery. We both agreed K not visiting me in Berk a bit weird, -
 - but with a.) Xo enjoying CA family(!!), b.) my post-Mom dying state-of-mind - not to mention expense/my not being able to take time off work - this is not best time - hopefully there will be better times. Tense time for both of us - he losing house etc - so let's not add to that with stressful/rushed visit.
 Bible showed up - so long as I have that version of the page of 23rd Psalm I'm good. Yeah, Tom asking for Bible tweaked me, naturally - in shower this morning, listed parts of my life his request did not affect - long list - got down to, he is older bro, he responds negatively to younger bro doing well, pulling up equal - I am no longer any living person's son, but I am still a younger and older brother - and sensitive skin can be easily stung. The end with Mom was a beautiful moment, I did well, handled well - did everything right - was blessed to be with her at end. He has to pull himself back on top somehow. Claiming superior rights to Bible I was reading when she died fulfills that need. I have my own copy, it's up to me to own any mild pique, and move on.
 Work slow'ish fortunately - too depressing to stay on coast over xmas holidays? Staying home - no - if I stayed home I'd wish I was by ocean - cheap hotels and bring food - I have not tired of the headlands yet. :-)
 IM'd w/K, she busy/hyper - understand she's not much energy for my fragile post-Mom state of mind, and since I do not need her presence right now, staying in LA is better all around.
 Maybe write to Gil and tell him about Mom - he'd understand. He is still alive in me in some ways. Talk to him.
 Total neglect of CORE business - pick it up in January.
 Reading 'Psycho' book by Janet Leigh - fun - then Man Called Destruction/Chilton - wait, did I already read that and give it to Gil?? Then Mekka's Indian Art book.
 Life is good. Dust will settle. This is not an ending, or beginning of new phase - it is just one of many things - we all die - thousands die daily. I did my duty. Everyone saw. Some heard my words: it's time to stop insulting, time to treat Robert like an adult. Over time, if we live so long, we are going to move towards healing.
 Tue Dec 19.17 nm
 Mon drained emotional after going through Gil's drawers w/Stacey Sun - that was a real saying good-bye - to accept a few of his things with his widow - emotional, painful - tour, job etc stuff. Wearing dad's wedding ring, Gil's leather coat - WTF - is this wise? For now, yes.
 IM'd w/K about visit to Berk - mainly for me - way I'm feeling, grieving for Mom & Gil both, stay in SoCal and enjoy friends/family - relax - if they were up here I'd totally enjoy, but also not be able to get time off work, so pressure and exhaustion. So odd and weird as it sounds, yes - my gift to them - stay in LA and enjoy. I'm fragile, emotional, gloomy - let's Skype or facetime instead (plus tickets like $800 - so no).
 Talk to Sooz tonight? Check in during day.
 Guess we need to respond to letters from WV bank/trust agencies for inheritance.
 It's okay/normal to have multiple online friends, even flirty ones who share photos. That goes without saying. Be honest and respectful. Do not start thinking it makes me special. That means they're dead in the water.
 Steve Wynn/Dream Syndicate played, Dan went - culmination of Davis80s scene etc - Steve says Hi to Dan - I never knew him. At a time when I was friendless/had no network nor prestige or future,  I'd say I knew people in that scene - because I knew who they were and had been in the room with then - I began to believe it - innocent, harmless I suppose - normal for a lonely outsider. But no - heard of the scene, wanted into the scene, finally it was Scott who tolerated me because of photos - and at some level, we grokked. "And maybe you're a little bit like me - aren't you Robert Toren?" Let me in on decisions, like RN cover.
 Wearing Gils jacket - his DNA - some of his coolness rubbing off on me haha.
 I'm working on not feeding annoyance about Tom asking for Bible I was reading to Mom. Tacky, thoughtless, lame - but! My decision! I could have said, "Okay, but I'll keep it for now to read, then give it to you when I'd done." Instead, I was passive aggressive. "Sure, you can have it, long as it's in the family (gold star for Bobby) , I have my memories ("I'm still the best child!") - you lose!! I want to make sure everyone knows he lost and I was the good one. So it is on me - be annoyed with myself! Any harm? No. And it is because he is who he is and can't help it - request came because of his issues, not mine. There's no there there. Not necessary to have additional information of his problems. Evidence that avoidance is probably wisest. All good? Yes. I made he decision - now (kindly) shut up (friendly advice) and (move on) live with it.
 Slow work week please - pick up on CORE stuff next year - trainings don't start till March. All good.
 Mon Dec 18.17 nm
 Slept pretty well - ~10'ish-8'ish with some comfortable restlessness. Wipes this morning tho -
 Sun brunch on Solano w/Stacey - driving over, realized feeling emotional, part because I would have told Gil about Mom's death, he'd have deeply understood - helped me suss it out on a deeper level - etc. There will be more - times when I realize depth of loss. Gil would want me to be Gil to me - not anyone else. Talk to Gil, as I may talk to Mom now she's gone - it's okay, and can be done.
 Good breakfast, sunny cool day - after super-windy Sat - back at condo, she gives me small container of Gil's ashes, condolences card for Mom, xmas present to be opened later, Nano full of Gil's fave music - cool -he turned me onto so much great music (!!). xox Thank you, Stacey.
  Go through Gils clothes - take leather jacket she said she had in mind for me, also a nice suit coat; then two top drawers (which she hadn't done yet), knick-knacks, cards, tour stuff - hotel matches, I took tour NY Sherriff's badge - many glasses, coins, odd and ends. Stuff from teen years. Took book about Psycho, Chilton bio, 3 big picture books of Italian trash cinema, a Jock Sturges book I got him. Lv ~2.
 On way home figure to replace burned-out headlight - use Siri, Toyota place open on Eastshore hwy 5mins away - yayy for phone!! - guys at place bored by nice, helpful, put $30 light in for me - shake hands, thanks, cool.
 Up University to avoid packed hw80 - gelato - book stores: comics and 1/2 price - Bowl for burrito bowl - chill @hm - eat - sleep.
 Sat draining emotionally to see Stacey, dig into Gil's stuff, to ask for things was not easy, but I guess it went okay  - some things I asked for she said no - that's most important - getting his jacket was hard.. maybe because it confirms, almost more than anything else, that he is really gone, he won't be needing this - and it is so personal - fuck - Going through everything, asking for things, mostly felt natural, esp since I recognize so many GT items - twin losses for me this year - death is a normal part of life - needn't be crippling - sadness is normal - Mom and best friend Gil tho - tough. Fuck.
 Now get on with it - not "move on" - not wait till I'm better - get on with life. Hold onto this job for another 10 years. This is reality. No Momma and Poppa to protect me, holding a clean bedroom open for me. I am no one's child.
 Okay - shower - work - refresh my CORE stuff and info from Global.
 Sun Dec 17.17 nm
 Headed to Stacey's in a bit for breakfast, then look through Gil's stuff - if we can handle it? Maybe too much, right now after Mom's death?? I am feeling a little shaky - but also feel like I need to face all this. But if I'm gonna fall apart, don't lay that on Stacey. Remember she is grieving deeply, so not too much about Mom. Her empathy might not be deep while she is suffering. Maybe not too much detail about Mom's final breaths.
 K in LA with family.
 Sat chopped down half-dead Datura, dishes/garbage, groceries - home, short nap ~4 - watching IMs from MTown, mostly between Beth/Anne - where are keys, why was flower left outside, etc - we are receiving paperwork from banks etc, but it is all on Anne - cleaning out Mom's apt - pm downtown for Mexican dinner - 1 margarita, book store.
 Bed ~9 - sleep ~11 - pot, music, lightshow, chocolate pudding - maybe voice of parental disapproval is lower volume? It is up to me now - no parent looking over my shoulder. it is up to me to decide what works best for me. My life. No one else's'. If I want to enjoy nightly music, cannabis etc - do it. I wear my father's wedding ring, have his statue of Augustus Caesar - have other Mom-related knick-knacks. Bike I was reading coming in the mail. That will take edge of Tom's request. Let is go. Let it all go.
 Centering myself and still a bit awkward re 2 online friendships that are more - but how much, what's honest and fair - what discomfort is of my own drama-mama making? Don't make too much of it - this floor beneath the chair my ass is in is reality. This breath of cold air.
 Breakfast w/Stacey will help.
 Sat Dec 16.17 nm
 Quiet quiet quiet - fundamental adjustments, who am I, taking stock - the cushioning illusion of Mom and Home no longer there; good - face reality. About time. People don't become adults until their parents are dead - feeling that rite of passage now, natural order of things that a generation goes under. It does mean our small family is all we have left, can be nurtured, disregarded and dismissed at our own peril. Tom is probably a lost cause - don't invest too much - but sis's maybe potential.
 Annoyed with K's comparing her spiritual knowledge favorably to mine vis-à-vis Mom's death - but no one can know what it feels like to lose a parents (or both) - it is so personal - I recalled being insensitive when dealing with Big Shot owner and his daughter when they lost family - so, yeah, it happens, is forgivable.
 Last week at work was not a bad as feared - not weepy - left 2hrs early one day because I was feeling deeply weary - went home and slept 11hours - from 10 long, tough days in WV - you get a good look at who you are fundamentally, vulnerability of life. Acknowledging reality a bit more than before, but hardly perfectly.
 I have to wonder about work - no dept head still - no space in new building that I know of - North America head in Dallas, email said the NorAm office report to her - not SF? Maybe not CHI? I told Randy - my work tasks were already overflowing - stuff was not getting done properly, making more mistakes; when Tracey dumped this additional gallon of CORE work - it just flowed over sides - out my ears - off of my brain - like - no - this is not possible. Please stop. I told him the CORE stuff is suffering - he seemed to understand. There's no dept head, no contact with Dallas - so no one to discuss this with. What to do?
 3 weeks off - Thanksgiving vaca, then 2 weeks for Mom's death - I came back somewhat relaxed and more comfortable with the idea that I can not do what is impossible.
 Online friendships - affairs - pressure is fun killer. Let things ride - let go - don't work on it - don't feel I owe anything , or need to seduce, entertain etc. What I/we want is contact.
 Sun lunch and go through Gil things with Stacey.
 Today get quarters, groceries, nap - chop down near-dead trumpet tree in back, trim orange flower vines on sidewalk stump - look into getting rid of Camry roof rack on community bulletin board. etc.
 Fri banking chores: updated excel finance sheet, paid credit cards, deposited $1.5K checks from Anne for UPS albums/my personal box. ~50 - which includes Dec rent & almost $3K to K for her&Xo's CA trip. If I get even $5K from Mom, that will help get me back in balance.
 Short week coming up - ? 4-day xmas weekend.. 3 nights in  Bragg, or some new place?
 Just - let myself have this day, weekend - however much time I need... it's a big change in life. I see the future, and the past is now more gone than ever.
 Scanned/PDF's Grandpa Halloran's 1917 WWI diary - Dropboxed to sibs.
 Oh - less facebook - go ahead and unfollow more people - get basic Spanish books.
 Wed Dec 13.17 nm
 All stuff from last two weeks processing - siblings - how it is down to us now - not specifics - but - no more Mom & Dad, no more home. All of us with our stuff - we need to practice tolerance, without surrender - esp me.
 UPS box Jeff Schmidt packed arrived - Caesar statue, small Moses/Venus figures - there was lots of room, so we stuffed in my clean clothes for padding, then every knick-knack I had in mind - green glass sculpture, art, CS Lewis, history books, mini Parthenon, tape measure, Mom's small white scarf, box of Robert letters etc. (Game Theory newspaper article I uploaded to fb last night). That was fun - like opening xmas packages! - , somehow healing - I came home somewhat empty-handed, trying to let go - now I have memorabilia.
 Ordered used copy of Bible I read from to Mom. That will be fun - finally to read whole Bible. And I again think how blessed I am: gift of Mom's friendship, that she was warm, feeling light on her face, hearing her child's voice reading to her from Bible, holding her hand when she chose to go. Perfect.
 Find a way to 'enjoy' that without ego, without making it about me. It was about her and all her children being there. The moment matters little perhaps - it was a gift to everyone she was hearing the Bible, and it was a group decision. Period. Be grateful for her beliefs that gave her such comfort and made moment possible, that is so helpful to those of us left behind.
 Got word from Jack that Sooz's surgery went okay and stuff removed in benign. Let K know. She & Xo flying out Friday 15th - maybe visit up north end of month.
 I was feeling Tom's asking for Bible was a bit tacky - but I will have one, so that's all that matters. Lisa's photo of open pages is what matters. All our relief is what matters.
 Anne sending check for ~$1.4 to cover flight & UPS'ing albums. One box arrived at Ethan's already.
 Pretty quiet - just hellos to internet friends. There's a bit of roadrunner cartoon running full-tilt off edge then realizing ground is gone. In WV I was needy, had lots of time, need for distraction - lots of Eros and freewheeling opening up, I was just moving, trying to do right, not processing - then - home and I need quiet time to process.
 Tue Dec 12.17 nm
 1st day back at work not easy, but not impossible - all events of last 2 weeks in mind - 2 weeks ago left for WV. Hard going back to work, after 3 weeks (1k Thanksgiving vacation, 2 weeks for Mom) - on top of my grieving, but everyone being very respectful.
 Mon: Clear out emails, check on confusion re Mech Bank payment to UBER cc, Dec rent check, stop at phone store for new phone advice, go through many training/CORE emails - they managed without me, so good, find alternatives, because I can't do both my production job and train whole fucking 500-person west Coast.
 I didn't have any near-breakdowns - that's hopeful. Next week will be better this week will be tough.
 Today: 1,000 Lbs (~$1.4K) PayPal to K for trip to LA.
 Sooz's surgery today - waiting for check in from Jack.
 Condolences card from Mare & John.
 IM's w/Fam re letter from Bank re Mom's estate. That's Anne's job as executor.
 Quick IM w/Mk, saying need chill time.
 Sleep early - 10? up at 6:30, shower, smoothie - back at 8 to move car.
 Work attitude different - I needed a break, even one for harsh sad reasons - now back, I am willing to let others take some of the weight. It does not threaten me. It must be done. Not the whole load on my shoulders. So - ride this feeling of letting go.
 Mon Dec 11.17 nm
 Back to work will be interesting... hundreds of emails, training to catch up on(?), refresh about CORE training - what have I missed? 4-day xmas weekend coming up - Bragg?
 Keep in mind: I am not a well puppy - losing yr Mother is a big deal and I am likely fragile and distracted.
 Sun long/good IM/pics w/Nur; Rockridge sushi/salmon & dragon roll, 2 large sakes, grocery for stilton, - on phone saw Stacey @ Starry Plough for Blackbirds/Mr T Experience - walk over, chat w/Stacey, pencil-in visiting to look through his stuff - maybe a memento - Joz B there, we all looking old - we are old... Geoff Ball comes out, I introduce to Stacey.
 2 quilts - Nan's Frida quilt & Mendo on top - that worked!
 What to do about Nan? It feels like there is a blockage, true intimacy can't be achieved - at some point, there's a snickering defensive wall that sends a "hahaha I don't really care".. but she says otherwise, sometimes, sort of.. in a flattering "men are so easily fooled" tone.. so is there an intermediate chatting friendship that is doable and works for me? And her? It's getting later in game of life - is it more work to stay away, than to maintain a light acquaintanceship? Being 'close' means dealing with both our fears. Hmm.
 Mentally/emotionally I am not ready to go back to work - feels like a mistake. Might be good to get back into routine? Have to wait and see how I feel when I get there. Leave early if necessary, or take walks, private space etc. Do what I must - they understand. Do not accept bullying or insensitivity.
 Everyone goes through stuff like this, death of spouses & children, parents - I am not special - but I am in a certain state, and need support etc. I'm emotionally fragile - let it be.
 Alrighty. Zoom. Less time for online affairs. Get work back on track. Everything seems a little unreal. Make plans for Bragg xmas.
 Sun Dec 10.17 nm 9:07am
 Sat mind pretty useless from low-sleep 10 days, emotional stuff - Mom's death & standard family tensions - , dehydrated from low water intake. Maybe lost some weight - less food,. almost zero snacking. PBJs.
 Realized from calendar Sooz's surgery is Tues, called right away and got her. Told WV/Mom story, then lots about surgery - good to have that time to catch up/send love and support, and also took my mind off Mom/WV. Naturally, she's freaked. :-(
 DJ in car wreck, rear-ended stopped traffic - can happen to anyone - she's okay, car needs body work.
 Long IMs w/Nuria - more we IM, get used to language/better communication about complex subjects. Get simple Spanish language books. have to start somewhere, be patient. Words coming back to me, buried foundation. Good to do w/grief energy around Mom, like learning cell phone after Gil's death.
 Posted photo of Grandpa Halloran's WWI diary pages to fb.
 Late Mexican lunch nr campus, 1 margarita, 1/2 Price Books L'Amour's How west Was Won to replace copy left in WV, choc gelato cone on principle. Groceries on way home - mostly berries; salad/Vietnamese soup. 1/2 soup at home.. internet/youtube.. sleep ~10:30-6.. nap till 6:30.
 Online-affairs.. like all.. eventually will end.. all things must pass... kiss joy... Mk sick/freaked.. worried me last night... but be honest always and keep sight of myself.. I can do life...
 Sunny cold morning_ today resettle cottage - kind of a mess - more groceries, bread. Rockridge sushi.
 Sat Dec 9.17 bd 6:14am
 Thu photos albums/scrap books crisis resolved - asked everyone to back off for 2 hours to breath/not rush decision. Highly emotional issues these photo albums - Mary & I Starbucks, then home to box M&P stuff  - discuss ideas for albums vis IMs - I do Dad's office, surprised at depth of emotions packing, throwing donating away these scraps of paper and cloth, old tennis shoes and office supplies; I call UPS/VFW about Dad's burial flag - Mary packs albums, I take to UPS, ship to Ethan. There were flare-ups and raw emotions, but important thing is it got done: both UPS and Mom's place.
 Thu pm dinner/drinks with Beth, sit in loving room till 9'ish just - being there for the last time. Never lived in Mtown, not strong memories like Beth/Anne, others - but - there it is. Things from my youth. Without Mom and Dad, they are just things, no important to anyone but us kids.
 Fri Up @7am to lv @8am - showered Thu pm, yogurt/berries breakfast - organize leftover food in kitchen, pbj for flight. Idiot checks - leave on time. $100 to Mary for hotel.
 Easy traffic & make good time - Mary navigates well. Her regular forced chucking at real & imagined 'error' is annoying - she got it from Dad -, but that's all; does not change me. Sticks and stones - but prefer to not have it close. My sense of self remained strong for this trip - with occasional need to step away. Natural. Cool.
 All six of us were raw and on full display, but overall we did our best and did well. Minor annoyances/snipes, but generally I think we all get this was no time to self-indulge when we could control ourselves. Promising.
 I told Joan, "In this situation, the less teasing the better." and said - after M teasing during Dad's funeral gathering week - "I won't ask her to respect me - that would be pathetic! But if necessary I'll talk to her privately and explain that The New Normal is Robert gets treated like a fucking adult!" Mary & I tolerate each other pretty well, and 8-9 days in Mom's & hospital was okay - uneasy, my guard against her (and Tom) is up at all times - but mainly I don't take it personally from her.
 Beautiful PA morning! Snowed Thurs, but only on ground Fri am - so really that was a lovely morning drive. I explained Bain vs. Bain&Co to her (and Tom) reasonably well.
 Tom just IM'd in response to my question re which Bible edition etc, offering to loan it to me. Thanks anyway - I'm looking for smaller version.
 My Fri am flight was delayed by an hour - looking at 2-3hr layover - Bill(?) found me a flight leaving in 15mins, short trot, made it easy - had ~1hr in Detroit to lunch, and my seat was an empty row!! 
 So, left Pgh2-3hrs early, shorter layover, able to lay down, home several hours early! Have to write Delta a nice thank you note. Told Karen & L, 'I take this as evidence I am the best Toren sibling. :-D' Seriously, what luck! On flight from Detroit to SF I must have passed out for a couple of hours, because when I regained my senses we were 30mins from SF! More fatigued than I knew.
 Easy BART trip - hungry! Straight to Plough for Traditional Irish Wake: Lagunitas IPA, bacon cheeseburger/fries. That hit spot. Home - unpack - around 7 to bed, Mom's Importance of Being Ernest - pass out ~8-9? Dead to world till ~5?
 IM's - there is intimate stuff going on I'd normally blog about - but, too personal; also, bordering on gossipy - details in long run probably don't matter. I want to preserve this moment of pleasure, but saving texts/details will not do that. Kiss joy as they fly. Be here now.
 Bagel/eggs/Odwalla. Noon now. Bank & groceries later. Cancel penciled-in breakfast w/Stacey. Breakfast & Stacey sounds great - but I am worn - my mind and body need want this day to chill/recuperate.
 Thu Dec 7.17 stbks 10:40am
 Fred's fb Birthday comment:
 "Happy Birthday to the guy who introduced me to Donnette & Scott, etc
 thereby changing my life in major ways that Can't Be Exaggerated -
 Thanks Dude - have a tall one on me!"
 Chaos again over photo albums - hard to be calm - boxing tossing M&P stuff in apt - ate, coffee, slept well -but feeling highly emotional -
 - all week Beth said she can store them, last minute can't, wants to ship - by herself, or telling M&I what to do - group mtg at Mom's shortly - breath breath breath - step back - Joan will call Bill, maybe in cage? I'm at point of saying fuck it and tossing them out - not good -
 This will be difficult - be here now - be present - chaos agent, plus we are all highly emotional -
 Anne going to funeral home - I got more time on rental car -
 Throwing away memories from M&P life - it's hard - be good to myself, and to all those around me -
 Leave soon - no more coffee - yikes.
 Was going pretty well, till last minute Beth chaos - breath.. calm... breath...
 Back home tomorrow evening... slept well ... ate well... contact with internet friends..
 think of Karen... what would Karen say. Do?
 Wed Dec 6.17 stbks 4:30 Mtown
 Tried to move some furniture from Beth's to Anne's this morning but it blew up, bad communication, bad idea to try this on tight schedule with Tom leaving for Pgh airport ~1pm - Beth asking us to sit around at Mom's for an indefinite time while Tom & she got it together. M&I impatient, but way things have been this week, we did not trust her to be on schedule, talked to Anne, went out to get boxes. Her style was to take furniture etc to her house, then if someone wants it, come and get it. Cocked up for sure.
 Anyway - it was a mistake to try it, esp w/this family and esp Beth's discomfort/confusion, all our emotions.
 But we did get out ~9 for breakfast at EatnPark - with everyone - hugged Lisa, me to her - 'I love you, you're a great person' - there's am art thing between us. Good to see Joan & Jeff's relatively sane family one last time, got pics of gathering. Then Joan's fam, Mary & I, to Dad's church place, w/Ruth, where Mom will be. Left flowers, took pics.
 Back home, Starbucks, M&I worked out flights - I leave Fri morning, she comes w/me & hotel for the night. I'll pay. We went  for boxes - me salad at Terra - then get out for last hour of sunlight - cold, but beautiful - Anne maybe come over tonight - not sure Beth can handle Mary - 
 - she sent note to Anne & I (not Mary) if we wanted to have dinner - boy is that stupid. I don't swim in that shit. Dead Mom or not - pointless.
 Anyway - Family!! - yep.
 Hellos to internet friends.
 There's a music lover in Mississippi, have light contact on fb - not sure how we met?? Barely know her - few months ago she asked about meeting - I said not my style - maybe she just lonely and I seem nice - that's a normal thing. I reached out today - maybe bad timing, because I am feeling needy? - mentioned her request, said awkward but okay to discuss, talk.. then  - (I have been sending her occasional young naked roberts since Apr (along with N & Clar), this week send her 6 recent from Mk relationship, have been thinking about asking her for a nude for months - so put it on the table as fun thing  -she said maybe, I said no pressure etc of course. We chatted a little about ourselves. Mainly me, since .. but it's good to have opened the door a little.
 And it 's good to be online at strbks, blogging, moving back into normalcy but without parents, emails from Buff saying they miss me, come back, expressing concern -  difficult sibs, feeling pretty alone. All family if difficult - is ours exceptional? Maybe not; -
 - but one thing I now know - the death of our parents will not make it any easier - not quickly -it's up to me to simply do the best I can.
 Not good time to communicate, but daily hellos to a few is helpful - & fact that some continued during this difficult week says.. something.. and maybe not 100% perfect - but it means they matter to me, because I could have bailed.
 Anything else..? Mary may be taking hint not to infantilize me. Small things trigger me - I can do some work on that, too. It will be a group effort - never be perfect. Nothing ever is. Relax. So far I'm doing okay - some mis-timed humor, hyperness - but overall, have not hurt or inconvenienced anyone I'm aware of. And - re the main point of being here - Mom - I did best I could. Us all being pall-bearers in the rain - Tom and I in front, as we were with Dad - total coincidence - good lunch. Okay. Now be a grown up - and grown-ups cry.
 Tue Dec 5.17 Mom's 7:51 (Mom's funeral)
 Drive Mary & neighbor Susan to 11am funeral in light rain - small attendance, but it's love that matters - she was not a public (newspaper) figure like Dad; her children & friends loved her. Mass a bore - well, it was a little sad, sparsely attended by frail old people, rain out back windows - covered cardboard coffin w/sheet - funeral home folks moved coffin to door, but most all of us were pall bearers. In the rain - it was good to be together.
 IM'd Mk - we say, odd in a way, but sounds natural, extreme Eros & eroticism vs. mortality; said, maybe we'll have thoughts later - for now - go with it as we have been.
 Olive Garden - Susan & Mary good company - good food, sat next to Paul who went to school with Dad & dinner w/Mom, and Catholic social worker lady - Mtown Byrons(sp?), he also loved opera, they went together to Pgh. Talked family, WWII, social work - Paul frail, but cool to talk w/someone who knew Dad & Mom long time. Friends from Serra club, and who drove Mom to Sat mass. Checked Mk IMs vids/pics. We both seem to be on same page with all this - I don't think she is mistaking me for an extraordinary person - but we find each other interesting, and can be - as artists etc - very open with each other - so, cool. Fortunate. Lucky.
 Took good pics: six West Virginia Torens, w/Schmidts, then with extended family: Sean & Anne Mechinsky. Cool!! Fucking family history.
 Home - crashed a bit, now events over - through evening couple glasses cranberry juice w/half-shot of 7&7. Load of laundry. Everyone going through things, talking photos & such. Jeff pro-packer put together 5 boxes to UPS, including one for me w/clothes, Caesar statue, all various books, small statues & such. Looks like I am keeping Dad's wedding ring - not worth much $$, but... sentiment. Mary wanted to talk flights home/matching our trips to airport - too early - just back from mom's funeral, not sure but I think she already set up a bus - she wants to be in control of her schedule, understandable. Cool.
 Packing, talking, delays - move UPS stuff into Jeff's car - Beth's stuff into Beth's car. Snack, Pride & Prejudice - etc.
 Plans for breakfast tomorrow - 8:17 now - bed @10PM?
 Interesting that I'm continuing flow of online friendships - also, Karen IM'ing w/me before memorial about Soft Boy Andy helping her clear out house and cooking her food - I said "Tell Andy I love him dearly" - he laughed - my Mom's memorial + she in process of losing house - parallel awfulness.
 This is a difficult family - try to be my best, try not to judge, hold back, say less. We all have our hostilities, weak areas, sensitivities. Jeff says Mary's like Dad, Tom's like Mom, Joan & I not like either - thank heavens if true, tho my mannerisms are like Dad's.
 Tonight I napped in Dad's recliner, wearing his wedding ring. Hmmm.
 Funeral parlor Dan said 'Mom & Dad were good people', I said 'They raised us to be good people. Took a while but we got there.' He said 'We all become our parents." - sure, not original - fun tho, and indispensable.
 We all had a lot of time together - I wrote Jeff a check for $125 for my box, he said that would cover everyone's (?), I said ~'Surprisingly, I think I'm doing better financially than some others.' He said 'Like  us (meaning he & Joan). No one objected to me paying for most of Mexican meal. Well, all the same - going forward, less generosity. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.
 So - stay Wed/Thu - help Beth/Anne w/moving- lv Fri morning(?), Sat to adjust timing, Sun day of - fresh air sunshine, coast, sushi w/Eric? Anything I want to do here? Quick trip to Cooper Rock again some morning? :-) or lv Sat... nice to have a choice. If necessary, take Mon off goddamit.
 Now slowly we see life changes... more serious... no home... probably no major changes in sib relationships - watch $$ - more working & saving... bam... but...
 ... so many worse ways, crime, car crash - We had time to be with her - alone + in groups!! Be with each other!! Support each other! Not too much tension around $$ or taking their property - funny how mundane it seemed in some ways - not a lot of emotion/tears when going through their stuff. More memories, intuition, appreciation, the amazing steampunk raincoat for Lisa! Ethan interested in scanning the photo albums/scrap books.
 Hard to imagine going back to work, back to Oakland - I want to stay here - home - Mom's - Maybe I'll be ready to go by Fri or Sat. Tom & Jeff/Joan/Ethan/Lisa gone Wed. Mary leaves Sat? A day w/put her - or really alone - might be cool.
 Dad died July 2013.
 Mom died Nov 2017.
 We are really alone now.
 Hold onto my job! Appreciate my cottage. Love my friends and life.
 Tue Dec 5.17 stbks 9:30am raining
 Memorial was not bad - I was hyper/chatty (do better today - breath) but nothing awful, stepped way, got pizza, sat alone, tried to listen as much as talk. Asked about Mom's glasses - she didn't look like herself - Dan got them, she looked more like Mom we knew. I am not feeling much now  - looking at her - like I did w/Dad - most those thought already processed before this event/during this week.
 Cousin Jim sent flowers bless him - send thanks.
 Contact car rental to increase time.
 Plane ticket for Fri - weekend at home to prep for work Monday? Yes. Half-day? Maybe. Orrrr.. fly Sat, and take Monday off?
 Tom sick.. only there short time at end of 3-7 mem. Joan got sick Sun night, no sleep - dang. Lisa sick all week.
 After mem Joan's fam came over to Mom's went through closets/drawers - cool black steampunk raincoat for Lisa! I said "This is the time to be greedy" - they took Dad's foreign coins, I took more, it was fun doing this with them. Keep stuff in family. I am taking Julius Caesar statue - UPS it and other tomorrow, help move stuff to Beth's.
 In morning, Mary & I stepped out to drive for frames, Mom's friend Susan out at same time, also going there, so we drove her, had nice chat, fun at store - fortuitous timing.
 IMs with Nuria, staying in touch despite circumstance, but acknowledging circumstance. Happens naturally for me - and I think she is glad to see that.
 Some Mek this morning.
 Okay - good -quiet time before 11 funeral.9:54 now - lv, home by 10:15.
 Mon Dec 4.17 starbucks 9am
 Good to blog/have record - may be last time us 6 kids are together - get a photo!!
 No public on fb - telling certain friends - backing off some IM relationships  - I may be overthinking/needy - don't lay it on them - I have peeps to talk to.
 Thought through 'no inheritance' - many friends much worse off, and situations - Dad's dad died in depression threw family into dire poverty - no - no matter what, ay minimum I have SS backup - and savings, so I'm no cause for complaint - it was just a nice daydream. Accept it and let go. I always said it was not going to be enough to change my life - even $30K - but I guess I liked notion/concept - from movies and cartoons! :-D  - well - reality knocked.
 Life is good. Buff emailed news from the neighborhood - he misses me - I found some nice silverware to bring to DJ. Decided not to take Dad's stature of Alexander T. Great.
 Also, I'm glad I'm in Mom's apt, this is good to have last time here to soak it in, let it go - Mary & I getting along fine.
 Went through photo albums last night with Joan/Mary/Beth - found good ones - get frames w/Mary today - dishes - laundry - black slacks/heavy green shirt today - look into jacket for funeral. Sean?
 Tom says he's coming down with Lisa's flu :-(
 Slept well - showered, got out early for time alone - home ~9:30-10..
 Sun Dec 3.17 mom's 9:24pm
 Sat morning breakfast & groceries w/Mary, then hang around house (?); pm Mexican dinner w/Tom/Joan/Lisa/Beth - Mary watching Wizard of Oz, Tom dropped by, we watched childhood film together - well, that was nice.
 This morning Starbucks, home - Aunt Shirley called, I picked up, had nice chat, gave her details of her sister's last minutes - . Waiting around restless, drive furniture to Beth's, Joan shows, she, Tom, Mary & I drive to Coopers Rock, superb fall day, naked trees, clear blue sky, pictures fun - good to get out helped a lot - cool fresh air.
 Continue contacts with Mex artist N - again confirm we want to stay in touch despite language barrier.
 Also Indian artist/photos/vids.
 Inheritance came up - B says just a few $K... you know, Mom hinted at that - I thought she said $150,000 in bank so I was thinking $30K ea, but B said more like $5, or less. Oh. Okay - disappointed - good to know, is she is correct, now and get over it. was looking forward to helping K & Eric, and also bit extra cash - but WTH. Life goes on.
 Cooking, eating, bathing -
 Wearing Dad's wedding ring - why? Now maybe I will be more frugal, and learn Spanish. Maybe some silverware for DJ. Ship home Dad's statue of Alexander the Great - take come mementos. Luna cat at Beth's - love that cat! That is what's good in life - more important than $$. Friendship, integrity and cats.
 Really. Don't be half-assed - but don't freak and *reform* over Mom's death.
 Stay till Friday to help around house, fly home Sat. Sunday to check vitals - see if work is possible Mon.
 Sex pleasure to escape gloom of death - yes! Steady myself. There's some rudeness in this family - so far I am avoiding making their problems my problems. N sent pic of foot I'd asked for - thoughtful, thank you - a kindness of sensuality and physical beauty and Eros to keep a light on.
 Fly home Fri? So I have all weekend? Yes.
 Gahh... yes... this hurts $$-wise - I was counting on more inheritance to help with everything - but all I did was pay plane tickets, meal w/Joan/Lisa, breakfast w/Mary.. hang into my good job - pray cottage stay intact. Inheritance prob cover this trip, so it's even.
 9:55 - sleep time.
 My gift, my inheritance, is good morals - gift of easing my mother's last years, her last breaths - facing the morning sun, hearing soothing Psalms, balm against pain, her children nearby - thanks to them, I have the love and character to overcome my doubts & read Bible verses from the heart as an honest gift to her in her hour of greatest need. This is good to know about myself. Suzanne called me devoted. This is worth all the money in the world.
 10:07 - time for sleep.
 Mon memorial 3-7pm. Fuckity fuck fuck.
 Tues Funeral 11 (?) -2??
 Sat Dec 2.17 mom's 9:37am
 Fri Hastings Funeral parlor - Dan H was great! - glad I went, conversations were pretty easy, minor disagreements (which cover for books for people to write condolences in), but - very informative, Dan friendly/professional - he hung in Sausalito early 70s so we chatted about that. Mom & Dad covered everything - amazing! Wish I had their smarts and organization etc - but they earned that the hard way, through suffering, economic depression etc - work work work save save save their word was good, said Dan. The greatest generation; okay, now I get it.
 I drove with Anne, got to tell her about Mom's last minutes.
 I am the prodigal son, there's goodness in the way it ended - I'd have preferred everyone be there at the end, for their sakes - , but for it to be me, who came back after Dad died, worked hard past my own faults, personality conflicts, religious beliefs and lack thereof, to have an honest, meaningful relationship with her. It meant so much to her, and it gave me great abiding joy to see her joy restored and pain eased - as well as my own - .
 They had turned her so she was facing late morning window light, angry son who had returned was reading her the 23rd Psalm with meaning, measuring, moved by the words - holding her hand! - she was not alone, there was light - it was not dark! - words from her whole life - she was into words - her son's voice, reading words of hope. Yeah. You go Mom. Someone was watching over you.
 "Come quick this might be it"
 Discussing Obit etc w/Mary/Joan/Anne - I feel shut-out a bit, but it's their mom - female - so - let it be unless it is very important.
 Thu Nov 30.17 Ruby cafeteria 1:32pm
 Sib coming/going - ~ 10:30am? asked for time alone to read Mom the bible - Joan suggested psalms - I chose randomly, her breathing was steady > chose 23rd, read slowly to her with feeling message she would love to hear, eyes watered/voice trembled a bit > after done, noticed her mouth was moving slightly but she was not breathing > stepped into hallway calling, "Is there a nurse?" 3 came in > I said have not seen this before > calmly told me "She's taking her last breaths." > I voice IM'd group "Come up quick this might be it" (thank god I got phone/IM thing together) - back to Mom.. not breathing > gently they said "She's gone." I broke down for a bit - like with Gil - they left quietly.. bless them. Joan/Lisa/Tom/Beth came in... I said "she's gone"... "2 minutes ago"... Joan said "perfect", I said 'Sorry I asked you to leave", Joan said no "perfect", esp once I realized which Psalm I'd just read... okay, so we all hugged and wept... I told them how peaceful she was... breathing steady.. then simply stopped.
 Lisa shot cool pic of Bible open to Psalms w/my glasses where I sat it down to go call for nurses.
 Okay, so now > that is not my history > that is family history, we were all there, they all said bible good idea > someone else suggested Psalms > let go - claim nothing.. I was a vessel, a tool, my actions about her.. that's my reward.. now let it be... best I can - do not be hard on myself...
 She waited till we were all here > we all had private time with her > we all interacted pretty well -
 So yay. Good or better than anyone could reasonably expect.
 Somber - nothing funny about losing yr Mom > but grateful.
 Get it down here - then let it go.
 Waiting for coroner > etc - not sure what's next.. Beth having some alone time with her now > called up > stepped in > seems I'm expected to stay? I'm ready to go home and crash for an hour - brain not functioning well... do what's best for me...
 Funeral Mon-Tues?? 3 days w/no plans... fly back Wed. Use 3 PTOs. Or leave. Don't decided today - I am more tired and upset than I realize.
 Thu Nov 30.17 Ruby Starbucks 11:00AM
 Got text ~6am mom failing > Tom had arrived last night & slept on couch > not much sleep > I drove us both over > Mom better/w Mary > Anne arrives, I drive Tom & Mary, to drop M off/Tom get this car wallet. Beth arrived, asked for time alone. Starbucks, Joan Lisa showed up at Starbucks > went up > me up now.
 Tired, might take nap break. Mary & me at Mom's - be as kind and forgiving as possible. Stay strong for myself > but also forgive. Be my best self. Always.
 Back, breakfast/coffee > all here now? Headed up in a minute.
 Wed Nov 29.17 Ruby Memorial, Morgantown Starbucks 3:00pm
 Flight > transfer > rental all went smoothly - straight to hospital > in touch with sibs via IM > GPU for driving etc all v helpful .. Anne in room, room unconscious, some rough breathing/hand shaking/light coughing : Anne left for alone time > talked about things we talked about on phone, vacations, Lost River, work  - did not know I wanted that but it was good.. left ~10pm, Krogers for groceries > @Mom's took Dad's office bed > v comfy! Like gambler in L'Amour western, be a good man, do job, everything else will shake out. Turkey/cheese sandwich, slice of pumpkin pie dinner.
 Not morbid or childish... see things clearly. It is not home anymore. Home was Mom. Home is upstairs in bed.
 Slept well - seeing apt now, I see her more as person, less as mother - her life - full - her personhood complete > didn't see anything I want. Bible maybe? Sleep ~11:00 > small bed, ocean recording, baggy warm PJs, pillow case.
 Shower, bring food and books to hospital ~10-11? Breakfast w/Joan, good talk about family etc. Pamphlet in room about importance of silence - I am bit narcissistic ? this is not about me > was struggling with that > yes, this is Mom's death, it affects many around her > but it is about her > I can deal with my personal loss, without insisting on attention from others also suffering. That helped. She is withdrawing into herself. She was along when she died, she did have a button to push for help, so hopefully the first mostly knocked her out - but even if she died alone and afraid, she was home, in a warm safe space > There are worse ways to go.
 This is the big one - there is no precedent > Dad was distant and angry > Mom was loving and had immense strength and capacity to give and love. Between the two they raised us well to be good people. Mom took pride in us, tho not practicing Catholics, being good people.
 She is gone > withdrawing into herself > last night I talked about her being a good mother > today I read to her from Bible > they say maybe she can't hear, but religion is in every fiber of her being > I imagine it might help ease transition. She is feverish, warm colored > they said that indicates she is in decline.
 Remember to eat > steak wrap and cap now. Beth also wanted time alone with her. There will be an inheritance, B & I discussed dispersion > M&P wanted equal distribution > I have some guilt, but let it be their desire.
 Beth & I chat a lot about everything > TED to religion etc. Social worker came in > "Nah!" we said, then began to talk > about pushing back against controlling sibs etc > it turned out to be very helpful! We had lots to talk about, 3rd person made it easier, to cry, say what do we do in certain situations.
 Have not even been here 1 day - feels like longer. Leave space for others to have time with her. I have had hours, talking alone, sitting quiet with my hand on hers holding her lifelong rosary. Leave lots of room for others - it seems there may not be  much time left. She is leaving, resisting - strong, by God she's strong.
 Joan at airport w/Mary, waiting for later Lisa flight > Tom drives in late .. make bed on couch for him.
 Tue Nov 28.17 SFO 6:40am
 Mom still breathing - all us kids coming into town - this is big, this is what we have all.. knew was coming. We were so damn lucky to have mom for so long, 92 - 3? and still sharp, and enjoyed her kids so much. Loved hearing our voices when called - didn't erase old msgs because she played them back to enjoy them. Guess stroke was Thurs pm - in bed?? And she was found Sun afternoon-evening - Details later. I'm sad she died alone... but hopeful it was swift, massive stroke, lights out - matters little in long run - focus on good, there is much. It means so much to me that my calls and friendship meant so much to her. And we had The Talk about religion and Dad - blessings, so many blessings.
 Lots of IM'ing with Mek - said back to normal asap is better than sinking into gloom = pics/chat).
 Hellos to N, but she very sick/flu, still good to be in touch. Hi Hi Hi.
 Having phone, IM'ing, pics to send, UBER is huge! Extremely difficult without. Group sib IM'ing w/family from start, Beth's first note about situation, that is does not look good - discussing trips from airport, whether or not to rent cars. So, yes to that. Started learning phone to help with Gil depression - could not have done this without it.
 Mon - didn't sleep well - laundry/groceries all done so that's good! Just back from vacation so rested, serene - suitcase still warm.. mentally in travel mode - sat around -distracting my mind looking for erotic gifs :-D - short nap ~4 - Bowl for burrito bowl, yum! Pack, lots of winter clothes - don't have suit or nice shoes (at work).
 Shower ~8, harlequin, sleep ~9? Actually slept decently till ~2 , then comfortable doze till 4:15. Alarm 4:30, smoothie, last stuff into suitcase - pjs/laptop/phone - call UBER, 5:15, easy - $45 - SFO before 6 for 8am flight, and easy trip though security.  PEETs coffee/scone. Life is good. Sad - but good.
 Phone lets me check in w/folks, send photos, nt feel alone. That helps a lot - esp right now.
 7:21 - bathroom break, then.. boarding. Window seat - try'n sleep.
 Sun Nov 26.17 hm 8:10pm
 Drive home Sat - lovely sunny in Mendo but okay to leave - $500 hotel, $500 ceramic art work to support Sarah Logan who's studio burned down, $500 tithe to Eric just for whatever - relaxing, good vacation. Ahhh - - stopped in SR to day hi to E, but turned out (he was free sposed to be busy w/church work), had a fun jolly sushi dinner downtown - home ~7:30?
 Sun rainy - slept like a rock 10:30-6:30 - didn't move, dead to the world - cool - lots of IM'ing w/Indian artist/teacher. Vids/stills.
 Tonight on way to Bowl IM's from Beth/Anne mom in hospital - not looking good - all kids back-and-forth (except Mary), word came through massive stroke, not survivable - unconscious in hospice, could go any time. I had tried to reach her today, rang & rang - emailed Beth/Anne to see what to do... missed last week's call 'cause in Mendo - but had good calls previous weeks, and many through last 4yrs since Dad died - esp last couple years, it made her & I so happy, we became friends, I relied on her advice. So - big blessings - I am okay, we did good.
 Tomorrow call work, talk to travel guy - see if he can help me get a flight to Pgh for Tues. One-way I guess. I can maybe stay at Mom's w/Joan, but hotel will have wifi. We'll see. Can always do wifi at Starbucks.
 That's it - we are a small family - Mom was home - I got to show her the videos of 1203 - we got to talk about some childhood memories - she didn't erase her phone message because she liked listening to them. Oh my god. well, Gil & Mom in one year. My time will come. Leave past behind, enjoy life.
 Today did laundry/groceries - called work that I won't be in - pack tonight - got UBER - $$ in bank - credit cards -
 She went fast, one hopes - dizzy, headache, out! Sad.
 She was home. That was it. No more home. It is down to us 6 kids now. Mom would have wanted us to be closer - maybe I can do a Donnette with Tom & Mary. Stay away from them in WV if they are being difficult. Don't respond to their darts.
 Re-reading - doc says she was likely unconscious for a couple of days - oh - laying or sitting somewhere when I called - but massive un-survivable stroke - okay - and no way to know how long she'll be alive - - - - wait for tomorrow - wait to hear - can I help by being at hospital with her? I get frantic/confused - so don't insert myself in unless it will do some good. Wait to see what they say tomorrow. Call Travel Gill at work to see how much notice he needs to get me something. Get info.
 Meantime, tomorrow morning pack - so can leave in a hurry - UBER to airport.
 Good - I'm calming down - I can do this. I did okay with Gil - I can do this. Mom's death is bigger than sibling rivalry.