LIST FOR TOP OF PAGE UNTIL ALL DONE
Will: end-of-life, who gets: art/quilts/car/photos etc
Sat Jan 27.18 nm
Slept okay, but weird... shaky, physically off-balance this morning..
staggering... walking carefully...
Sleep-aid anti-depressant prescription.
Viagra prescription: my HC doesn't cover - prob ~$200 to cover what I need
- 3 tabs & cut in half? Wirth it for novelty & visit.
Talked about grief pain, specifically arm - going to x-ray then, assuming
we find nothing (unless it's a bone spur), MRI scan, which would
show up tear/damage/cancer. He said tenderness is where tendon
attached - so he suspects tear. Cancer did get brought up - but
unlikely. Blood pressure very good - weight ~ 200.
Slept okay, but very emotional. Uncertain what's going on.. even after
saying I can't do training in Dallas, feeling emotional/sad -
talking to doc I felt small upcoming weepiness when discussing
Gil/grief -, well of weepiness beneath surface - well, it is
anniversary, and I was in damn bad shape at time - I think that pain
is what's coming up - as well as losing Mom - it's natural I'd be in
bad shape now. Gen - Mom died only 2 months ago, and I did not take
leave of absence - in retrospect I'm questioning whether I shouldn't
I didn't because: Don't want to use vacation days/lose $$, nor secondarily
leave dept short-handed (to see they could do without me?).
Now I'm like: take 2 weeks off now, in Feb, before March
move to new bldg/CORE training. You think? Might be a good idea.
I'm in a bit of a daze...
R out Fri, in/out early - groceries/berries/soup/pudding... read
retro horror comics in bed w/pudding - that was fun - disconnect
from work stuff -
- what is going on w/work? That I'm 63 - 64 in 1.5mos -,
have savings, social security, less willing to eat shit, roll over
when someone asks/bullies/pressures for 130% work effort? When my
concerns/requests are ignored? When my extra efforts are sneered at,
This has led to a situation where I will not make myself wretched with
1-day LA trips, and will not give 1010% every day, when it does not
early respect or compensation from those supervising my roll - why
should I when I can give 100% and job/pay remains same as at 100% -
or 90% for that?
And no one to talk to.
Call WL HR/find someone to talk to. Leave a paper trail.
Sun fly to Dallas - should be easy, same stuff we covered in
Oct. Back Wed - maybe alone. Screw-ups from new dept head
D**** re whether or not to bring 2 laptops to Dallas. It came down
to me to clear it up, of course.
K bidding on new house.
HR says July training 2nd week of July, which would leave current late
July OR vacation plans intact.
$70K in bank even after Fed rent. Thanks Mom. I have to remind myself, it
was Dad & Ralph who set up financials - I thank Mom because
we got it after she died - but it's Ralph & Dad who did most of
heavy lifting. Not all - but most. Some set up to support Mom.
Thanks Dad. Thanks Ralph. Thanks Mom. Thank you Greatest
Today: maybe laundry so I come home to nice clean bed. Get garden
Empty trash bins, fridge perishables.
Finished book about Rock Star phenomena - gave it to work friend in
Marketing who digs rock. Started E Leonard western short stories.
I'm okay going to Dallas, but I feel numb, sad.. mourning, grieving,
inward.. this is what it is.. it's okay to cry.. okay to feel this
way. It is not weakness to cry and suffer. Okay to tell folks in
charge that life situation limits some of my abilities.
Today: laundry, cottage tidy, clippers sharpened at Farmer Market,
prescription for sleep in Dallas, 3 viagra tabs, eat, chill, love
Shelley posted nice polaroid of Gil, mugging w/beer - from albums which I
can't access - aww - pics from her bday - I am petty & bitter - not
many people, and Chris is plump haha. Sigh. She did comment pic is
mine. If she'd been more fair & generous/honest about photo
albums/cemetery stones, would have made a big difference? Or is that
my excuse? It didn't help. For her, to win was more important than
post-marriage Robert contact, so here we are. For me, pride
wounded by 'losing", on top of general discomfort/guilt etc - but I
maybe could have dealt with that, if I'd felt some equanimity /
respect re the shared property.
We married for love, broke up over sex.
It happens. It's no biggy, but what is post-divorce relationship built on
if not some respect...
Okay. Boom. Quiet time to myself - take care of myself.
She said exactly what I'm feeling.
'It's hard to believe that it's already been a year since we lost
I'm still adjusting to this dull reality, half convinced that it
can't be true, most of the time.
Miss you always Gil, ol buddy, ol pal!!'
Tom's been making contact on facebook - 'likes', comments - and I feel
like nothing will change so long as he invalidates my pain/stress
over his bullying & insults. Invalidating me by calling me
oversensitive is a deal-killer. So is it hopeless - seems so.
Thu Jan 25.18 hm 3:25
Home early for 4pm doc appt: Valium, Viagra & Arm
Told Randy @wk I was planning to contact Dallas peeps about not training >
whatever > wrote a decent note, they were sympathetic - well, T**** of course,
expressed understanding, then pushed me to do some training in front of training lady
anyway; I said no, explained why not. Period. You can't leave any
wiggle room with these people. Situation must be explained clearly,
then door slammed shut. There is a borderline bullying tone
about it; it's essential to my well-bring to show compassion
for myself > say no when I mean no. Anyone asks why I'm not
training I can say "Personal reasons."
'Hi Dxxxx, Keeping this simple:
Situation: Certified trainers required to run Dallas modules on
CORE standards/Toolbox update.
Issue: 2017 was a rough year; among other things: a year ago today
lost best friend to bone cancer, and over Thanksgiving suddenly &
unexpectedly lost Mother. I am emotionally (and physically) fragile.
I have a doctor’s appt this afternoon to discuss options.
hoped to improve by now, and be fully engaged in Dallas, but during
recent weeks, as I considered the upcoming event, I am convinced I
will not be capable of running a module effectively.
Solution: I will support in any way I am able, but must opt out of
running a module.
Randy is aware of these events; in the case someone requires supervisor
confirmation, feel free to check in with him.
Please let me know if you have any questions about this."
No way to avoid sharing some details of death - I think I managed to give
least possible amount of personal detail, and still be clear what
I'm going through - mentioned doc appt. Everything I said was
non-melodramatic, and true. I was/am stressed about being
scrutinized while training, but was/am willing to deal with that -
but this sense of vulnerability/fragility goes deeper, into dark
places I'm not sure I recognize (now that's melodramatic).
Curious how doc will go.
It's that my inner resources, that I call on esp during training to
focus/raise energy/spirits, are being used to keep me afloat. So
nothing there to protect me from judgment, unkindness, pressure,
bullying - and I may react with hostility... like Dad did, like
In Fri 7am - out 3:30pm - Sat free... fly out Sun
morning.. I feel 100& better now, having protected myself.
* is very curious about viagra - :-D.
Decided on spur of moment to reject Mks friend request.. no.. talk first..
establish some boundaries... she began it, drove it, ended it... but
she doesn't get to restart it.
Thu Jan 25.18 nm
Again up ~4am and toss/turn, general stress - about Dallas - I made
decision to slow down and disconnect at work - overworked,
disrespected, ignored - then the CORE stuff dumped on me, mind just
broke - I can not do this - supposed to be 2 of us, but all on me??
How does that work? I asked for compensation from Taf & Jeff,
brought it up in some detail with Tim & Yvonne - silence, push back,
excuses... "Dept head will make that decision. But there isn't one haha." So what do you do? Start giving 100% instead of 110% and
prioritize - demoralization went further, I've just been on a
sit-down strike. Someone want to discuss with me? Doubtful. I told
Yvonne would be happy to have someone come check on my work ethic,
so we could discuss all I do, possible compensation/title adjust -
So naturally I'm unhappy - going to Dallas feeling unprepared because I
intentionally did not put energy into it - and don't have heart for
it - I have to take responsibility, since I did it - but some
fucking respect, contact, support from company would help, too. Now
we have Darcy, so I'll tell her, too - so there's paper trail - no
one can say "Well, you should have said something." I did, and I was
fb friend request from Mek. What to do? Ignore for now. I am allowed to do
that. I can't imagine it becoming a low-key, occasional contact
thing. She need a lot of attention (as do I), and I'm liking
post-Mek quiet. Felt great relief when she got pissed and unfriended
me. Not because I dislike her, but because she was using air I need
to closer, longer term, more complex friends. I can claim my space.
4pm doc appt with Fitzer for arm, viagra, valium.
Maybe I can get 3 scanned Dad pics cleaned up today, mailed out, sent for
prints. Get that off plate.
Yeah - last year, pressure over 1-day LA trips, no compensation adjust, no
dept head, Gil died, Sooz moved to OR, Mom died, CORE thing solo
instead of 2 people... not a good year. I withdrew. No one to talk
Anyway, 70K in bank, good job, nice cottage in cool neighborhood, Nomad
coffee shop. Got used to phone & UBER, texting, sending phone
Up ~7:20, smoothie, shower, a bit tired but okay - I can function.
Groceries tonight after doc appt. Sat off to chill - sushi
w/Eric? Sun lv early for SFO. All good.
Today is best day of my life. This is best breath. That was best shower.
Best coffee. Best good morning emails to/from Karen/Nuria.
And there we have it - Mek was right - there were/are other established
online friends, and there is no room for another - not one that is
undeveloped, driven by one person more than the other. Unbalanced,
unseasoned. How to say without being mean? Just like that. Ignoring
her request is an option. I do not owe her an answer, except based
on simple human decency terms.
My job is in SF, my boss is WL - Tracey is not my boss. She's boss of
training/app project; they want to train us to be better trainers.,
Cool. They know it will not happen overnight. Takes experience. I
told them I have not had much. So they know. I spoke up. If
necessary, tell them it's been a rough year & I may not be up for
training while being filmed etc. Too much pressure. Write to Darcy
today to let her know - professional thing to do it give them a
heads up. It'll take some pressure off of me.
Yes, soon as I wrote that I feel better. Let people know what's up.
Dealing with loss of Mom is legit reason to call time-out.
8:51am.. 20mins to chill
Wed Jan 24.18 nm
Wait - Gil died on the 23rd, not the 25th? Maybe she's writing early.
Stacey notes on her page, thanks everyone, esp for GoFundMe -
"Massive thanks to everyone who donated to Go Fund Me. You made it
possible for me to pay off Gil's medical bills, gradually downsize
and make it through a difficult time without worrying about running
out of money. Your generosity was overwhelming and I will be
Not directed at me, but glad was able to help in such a fundamental way:
Money. How to ask without tackiness. It went well - giving people an
opportunity to help in a real, meaningful way; giving support we'd
all hope to get if the time comes. And Stacey spelling out how the
donations helped - is - perfectly handled, letting everyone know
what it meant to her.
Anyway - maybe a bit of Dallas stress? Rough sleep this morning.. on my
mind.. up 7:30 shower/smoothie - I want to be a trainer..
additional training to do it Bain style - is required - do best I
can - enjoy it... I can do it... perfection not required - not a
rejection of me/my experience - it is help and support.
Be grateful. Thank you! Trip to Dallas so I can be high value
trainer on west coast? Cool - yeah.
Sooz called but had bad cold, cough hack - short call - back to bed.
Heated up tortilla soup & bread dinner. Yum!
Doc appt for arm, valium, viagra tomorrow afternoon.
Brought Lisa's silver wear to work to mail.
Part of me does not want to fly to Dallas, wants to stay home, not
deal with airport security stress - new people - new job
requirements - people with higher skills better minds - man, better
get used to this - in the real world this is true every day. Respect
their experience/job requirements/pressure they're under - don't
I feel defensiveness through my mind. Breath. Relax. Relax my body
and mind will follow. Work it out. Just do my best. Be myself. Relax
and enjoy. I'm a good person, and people like me. I have a certain
amount of charisma I'm told - let myself shine.
Umm - yeah - flights/hotels taken care of - Sun flight ~10:15, UBER
7:30 - a bit early but, I chose daylight arrival, Home late
Wed afternoon. Meals.
No whining! I am winning.
Learn from my procrastination/slowdown at work - not sure it's helping - I
don't have to give 120%, but do give 100%.
Speak up! Ask for raise! Be professional.
And - yes - enjoy every sandwich, spend $$ on new experiences, enjoy
friends, life, walking, a mediocre life is a life and it is
fantastic. And if it matters: touring with Game Theory, working with
Scott on-and-off for 30yrs, a photographic body of work of (very
minor) note, a few viral montages including Frida w/gun - my goddam
survival - being a difficult/troubled/angry person let's say, okay -
finding my place in world by learning (the hard way) to accept love
and friendship, and doing good work. Being gifted godfather to Xoxo.
Establishing a relationship with Father (meh) and mother (<3 )
through mutual efforts. Being with mother reading from bible holding
her hand when she took last breaths - having it together to
immediately text sibs - adds up. To a life.
Tue Jan 23.18 nm
Let's not make too much of it - breath! - but Fri Jan 25 1st anniv of
Gil's death.. be prepared for some feelings. Damn it - but no sense
in cursing death.. part of life and natural etc - I'm okay.. maybe I
less 'miss' him, than am suffering from rending wounds of months,
years of his illness, his leaving, worrying about Stacey. Tragic is
dying young.. 60 not bad, plus his success as drummer.. and as
beloved person. Sigh.
Usual stress about Dallas trip Sun - making flight - would rather
stay home - I feel pretty confident about running part of module -
I'll have time to practice - so far as being watched, judges on my
training skills - I am defensive, sensitive etc - work on being
stronger - accepting, valuing advice - my view of myself as
'trainer', as expert, is not sullied nor challenged by their advice.
I crave it, if I can get past my defenses. Let them down. Let go.
Don't worry, be happy. Breath. Enjoy. Enjoy all aspects of life.
Hard stress is death, poverty, instability - etc - not being trained to be
a trainer. :-D I'm not losing sleep - so gonna be okay.
It helped that last week I trained an individual, going over material felt
normal/smooth, training went well.
Mon >work, WF for moisturizer, bread, berries/soup - Mexican
soup/bread for dinner > 3rd/last check from Mom showed up - $6.5K;
altogether, ~13+6.6+200 = ~20K.. ~2x expecting.. well, cool...
before Nov 2017 I'd be thinking give at least $1K each to K&E. Now I
am thinking save save save. I have given enough. the 20K - thanks
Mom! - partially fills hole in budget from last 10yrs tithing to
Gonna put me close to 70, which means if I'd saved every penny I'd now
have well over 100. That kind of thinking may be inevitable -
bitter, resentful - but but but - where would I be if Mom & Dad,
Marge & John, had been less generous. I have been given much.
Without K would not have this job and cottage. It all equals out.
Much of what I have given - vast majority - was well-invested in
K/Xo, and Eric's well-being.
If I die today, the tithing will not have disadvantaged me in any way.
If I live another 20 years, an extra 20K will not make much difference, is
not whole picture. Quality of life also counts - supporting friends
increases my enjoyment and quality of life. M&D made sure we all got
equal, all got ~20.
Thank you, M&P.
6x20 means there was ~120K altogether, about what she said - maybe some
went to Shirley. It's not all about $$$ - tho of course that is nice
- it's about tthe love it represents. Example she & Dad sent by this
duty/generosity/care & love.
Get to scans and photos for sibs & Shirley today.
And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Mon Jan 22.18 nm
Stress about training in DAL - I didn't do my homework! Most of us didn't!
It'll be okay. I can do this. Perfection is the enemy of good - do
the best I can and I'll be okay. My 18yrs training experience is
valid. Do the best I can and all will be well. Take criticism
graciously. They are trying to help. Express any of my opinions
without pushing back -respect their opinions also. Phew.
Sun: Bit of sitting around, Yard work: chop yellow flower stump
pile, sweep/rake under front orange-berry bush, chop back East side
to respect neighbor's space, sweep side/back paths, choose 1 of 3
small datura sprouts to replace big one that died (yank other 2) >
brought many books/CDs to car > managed to get to Tilden <20min
drive - visit farm cows, rabbits, fowl - past cabin trail, cross
fire road sticking to lower trails, Jewel Lake, lower trail -
overcast and Gloomy, lots of families avoided feeling isolated.
weekends are tough.
Downtown: Arnell's pizza, bookstore > groceries - salad/pudding - Starry
Plough for 1 pint and lopsided football - > home: heat up Vietnamese
fish soup w/bread - yum! - sewed/cinched waist of baggy pants to
So actually, Sun: Yard, books from cottage, Tilden stroll, pizza,
bookstore, groceries, Starry Plough, soup & bread, sew clothes.
Plus nice pic from Nur. K in NY.
Today: $12K check from Mom to bank, update online payments (Amazon,
angrylambie, etc) to new Bank Card, print pics for Shirley/sibs.
Look online for new phone?
Hard to tell what is my usual stressfully gloomy weekends, where I can't
avoid dark side of isolation, and what is depression about Mom &
Gil. Seriously considered talking to Bain HR about it - to prep in
case I need to tell Tracey I can't do Dallas module. But - work
protects me from feelings > keep busy/think positive - that may be
only answer. Let's see what she asks me to do > then practice, do
best I can. Yes.
It's not a problem if there's a solution. To extent it's an issue, it's a
quality issue, because it means I have a job with
responsibilities. And I like training! So, even tho it's scary to do
new things - to learn new things - it's all good! Fear does not mean
it's bad! Wanting to run and hide does not mean it's bad; just means
it's difficult and scary - but I can do it. Cool. Do it!
They are not saying I'm doing it wrong - they are saying I can be even
better! I do want to be a good trainer.
Rainy.. time to go soon. Next Sun fly to Dallas. I think Fri
I'll essentially be alone. Look into it.
Tom certainly sending signals he wants to hang - but no way will he
concede that his attitude is part of the problem - he insults > I
respond > he calls me over-sensitive. End of tale. Been there, done
that. He will never be able to talk about it. As Das was not. Eric
says forget it - not gonna change. K would say reach out, but she
doesn't quite get it. She does not know all.
Less $$ for her, less for everyone. Time to work work work save save save
and be sure my word is good.
Sun Jan 21.18 nm
Sat easy - Groceries/laundry.. cold..
Nur IMs mentions we have both been less chatty - I get emotional, breaking
up?! - guilty - but that very morning I sent personal pic and she
said she loved it. Weird over-emotional reaction - but that's we've
both been since beginning, emotional - so, okay - that's what we
have decided to ride out. Made montage of her with Beatles - sent -
she likes. Play. We are playing.
Probably also hungry - not much food, sandwich meals.
Big mid-east salad for dinner.
Sleep ~10:30 - up 4:30 - back to sleep till ~9am.
Working through stress about training in Dallas - do best I can - that is
all that is required, professionally and personally; criticism is an
opportunity to improve.
Mom's insurance check arrived for $12K.. I was expecting total of ~$10K,
but prepped for less - another annuity check to go? Some tax was
taken out, but as it's a gift do I need to pay taxes? Sigh. Also got
tax forms from work - ~$66K/yr - ~$45 after tax - which is
still low in SF - in another town I'd be doing well. If I was in a
partnership with someone employed we'd have ~$100K/yr. Supposedly
I'll get more back after Trump's not-paid-for tax cuts - so could be
a good year.
Be less generous - that is baked in after Gil/Mom - yet, I just had a
$300+ sushi meal with Eric without blink - & jumped on $1K for 2nd
Russian River cottage music weekend w/only minor cringe (not to
mention tickets - tho, maybe this year no Gold tickets on
Difference is - last year I'd have assumed some of Mom's $12K would
tithe to Eric & Karen. Not now.
In small ways and large I move towards more frugality. There's no sense in
looking backwards - but if I'd been less generous over the last 10+
years I'd probably have $100K now - easy - and then what? I'd still
have to keep my job - I'd still be looking at no retirement ever.
Gil & Mom would still be dead, and I'd still be me, just with a
little more security. There is probably ~$5K in there I'd take back
- like $500 I gave for Monks of Doom record - what was I thinking?
But I did it because I could and wanted to. Most went to friends,
meals, help with Xo, Karen & Iain flights etc. That's fine - that is
what money is for I think. It brought Eric happiness and comfort in
a somewhat isolated life. $$ to Gil helped me by letting me feel I
was doing something - gifts of love - $$ to Stacey was duty and
promise to Gil kept, plus I wanted to help her as a friend. Also, I
have spent commiserate $$ on myself: $1,000s on art, on Mendocino
weekends, etc - would I want it all back, not have the art,
life experiences, warm feelings from helping friends get through
night, from giving Xo the feeling someone - her Uncle Robert - had
her in his mind always? That's what I paid for - and there I spent
unwisely, I learned.
It's all good; not merely about amounts of money - it's what value I got
in return. Tickets for Gil & Stacey to see No Man's Land. Priceless.
After all that, w/Moms $$ I'll have ~$60, closer to $70 by EOY, all things
Okay.. 11:45am - thinking about Tilden stroll.
Today will be good. Life is sweet.
Yes, thank you, be good today.
Thankful for warm bed, quilts, art, photoshop, my art, Buff & DJ, Nomad,
my job, Gil & Stacey, Suzanne, Eric, Karen & Xo... Iain and his
family - difficult in he circumstances...maybe after K is settled in
elsewhere, door will widen.
Sat Jan 20.18 nm
Fri pm Long'ish IM w/L, told about doc appt for pills etc.
Fri @wk regional boss dropped by:
No in-town dept head, be D'Arcy in CHI - okay - no local dept head
is okay. I suppose. Up & down-sides to that.
1-day LA training trips has been discussed/options explored; sounds
like it's understood to be settled in my favor. Good.
Uncertain about temp S***a; I put in she brings advanced skills
lost when Taf left - seemed to have impact, she was grateful.
Overall good feeling to finally get some word/attention, that our
dept/concerns not totally ignored.
CHI will purchase DAL hotels/flights -
another point of tension resolved (rather than us paying/being
Town Hall Mtg got word on move to new bldg - late Feb.
Trained one person on CORE, felt pretty good, friendly, she
was fun to hang with. As of today, think I'm only person knows CORE
Difficult Nike template went well as could be hoped.
Morning lightly hungover from 1/2 bottle of cedar sake during
Thu pm Sooz call - hostile , touchy, weird, but better by
Global ppt person asked each of us trained trainers to run part of DAL
CORE modules - I pushed back, said very limited
experience, makes more sense to have experienced folks do it. She
said 'understood' - but good experience for us. Whatever. Breath.
Do it for me.
It's stressful, but not a problem because - there is a solution:
1.) Do a good job, at least do my best.
2.) It's a quality problem - situation exists because I have a job, and I
3.) They are helping me a better trainer.
4.) I bring other skills aside from perfect training chops: Investment,
helpful, articulate, charming, knowledgeable, cool.
Enthusiasm is infectious - as a trainer I bring that - making me a
self-conscious robot snuffs that out and may make training less
Growing up hyper as I did, I was told to slow down, quiet down,
a lot - therefore it's a personal pain point for me.
Growing up -I was told to not be so loud - so I assume I am loud
- but turns out I am not. So - learn! Speak up.
I can do it - so it is not a problem. I'll get over stress. I'll do good.
Not perfect by their standards - no one is perfect - but good
A year from now, skills experience will have sunk in; I'll be a better
That - is what I want - because I love teaching. Cool.
Other important thing - I did push back, and was acknowledged.
I suspect R at work has told some people about my rough 2017 - so they
know I'm - delicate.
It's all good.
Yes - think it through - this is not insurmountable! I can do this -
and it will benefit me in many ways.
Difficult, but anything worth doing will be so.
Breath. Cool. As necessary, let them know about my sensitivity about being
told to slow down, and not be loud etc.
Good -- thinking it through.
Tom reaching out, asking about photos etc. I'll get to it.
mmm - cappuccino, eggs/bagel, espresso - thank you Nomad. Thank you
Berkeley. Thank you Karen & all friends known and unknown.
Life is good. Lots of resolved issues this week. Good Friday.
Fri pm pot, heated up rice porridge, dried figs, slow mo Mendo
ocean... so fun.
Enjoyment is good. Enjoy life - sometimes nothing but pure enjoyment.
Often have to remind myself it's okay necessary normal natural supreme.
Enjoying life is worshipping god.
Hiking pants arrived, can unzip leg bottoms - become shorts.
No plans - errands/grocery/laundry - cottage care. My calm little routine
is good - I woke up stayed in bed long as I liked, comfy & warm,
wanked, smoothie - my traditional table at Nomad. Last few
years was death, rock photos, growing up - phone/insurance/savings -
Scott & Gil gone, last connections to Game Theory. Interviewed for
books, articles. Kilby book photos. Too bad about Scott book, 'don't
all thank me at once' - my famous Scott portrait on cover, more
inside, would have made big difference. Publishers Joe & whatsername
did not even contact me; everyone seemed shocked/disappointed
(including author, who contacted me privately); I still strongly
suspect - assume - Ana M poisoned well against me, with her 'poor
me' drama mama, 'I am forced against my will to defame Robert'.
Hahah. Yeah - I know that one. And I'll survive it just fine. I am
after all 'Gil's best friend' & guy who made $20K for his widow.
Take that drama mama defamer :-D.
Thu Jan 18.18 nm
In early for Sooz call tonight -
Called Mom's NY place after receiving 2nd copy of form - no worries -
$6,500 on the way.
Bank yesterday for new bank card, now look for places using the card
(Amazon, internet) and update. Cashed $200 check from MONY. Money is
nice, but also want the closure of getting these reminders over.
Email from Tracey @ work - GFX dept all fly out in shifts end of month -
who pays? Not much time to prepare. Some offices close. Last minute
stuff. Whatever - 4 days in Dallas, free meals. Cool. Fly out Sun,
back Wed evening.
Surprise nice pic & shower vid from N.
K looking for mortgage on new house?
Feeling good, but also find myself irritable/spazzzy at work - don't
assume all is good - but better, yes.
Is Dallas same week as Doc appt??
Avg apt rent in Oakland /Berkeley ~$3200. Fuck. Buff/DJ & I need to stick
together. But not live in fear.
But some fear is natural.
Send scans of Dad to sibs, ask who gets originals (Anne wants M&D at
Mendo trip seems to have done me lots of good - reasonably good shape
Groceries after work - berries, eggs.. and umm.. chocolate pudding I
watched last night while watching ultra-slow-motion Mendo weekend
videos. Moment of "bad Robert!", followed by I am having a good
time, and responsibilities taken care of - so - good for me!
Finished Gilbert Hernandez comic on BART - now, History of Rock Stars.
Found missing Neutral Lambie doll K sent with big ass anaconda red scarf.
At work, read Town Hall mtg notes (issues) from workers - CSS & other
asking for pay increase to match cost-of-living in Bay Area etc -
answer is basically: fuck off, we know other places will pay more,
but you have the honor of working here. There is something to that -
looks good on resumes. At least I am not alone! And Dallas GFX girl
& I emailed about how we are not being asked for support, therefor
not getting CORE experience - again, I am not alone - and am
ultra-fortunate re low rent.
Say Hi to Buff!
Life is good. Today will be a good day. Expect nothing but best!
In last 4 years: Scott died, Gil died, Sooz moved away, Game Theory
records re-released with lots of my photos, K trying to hold onto
house... now that period is over.
Now is now. Attention/excitement (around Game Theory stuff) finished.
Now is now. Keep moving.
Wed Jan 17.18 nm
Tues slept well, refreshed/relaxed - overcast Mendo for 10am high
tides - not dramatic as Mon storm surf, but good splashing
crashing mist-spraying thumps! Also no rain - win - walk south/back.
Into town looking for jewelry store lady that made
gold/opal ring I gave to Lisa C 1999.. wrong artist, still good to
do; I tried. Soup/sandwich from Grocery. Out of town ~noon?
Stop above Navarro to eat soup - Nino Rota, Spirit (12 dreams) - my late
teen dreams. "I don't know what it is to be free...." "Nature's
way..." Thanks Gil/Stacey.
Stop at Pepperwood Pottery but they closed! But I tried!
Stop in Hendy Woods nr Boonville - heavy overcast damp air,
beautiful wood tho! Do a overlapping loop, almost lost! But map
helped.. got it.. deep damp red redwoods.. beautiful chill out easy
Easy drive, empty work day roads.
S Rosa ~3:35.. give Eric ping-pong ball catapult from science store &
small metal tiny metal parts train. Osake for big meal - we both
hungry - it's cold and we want warm food! - mainly sides, plus Kobe
Beef plate & cedar sake - hot chocolate dessert. $325. Yum!
Eric and I have know each other since ~1981?...37yrs?
Check email - Russian River Jazz Blues has morphed dramatically!
Jazz/Blues weekend is now 2-day Jazz/funk/R&B weekend! Now Blues is
one-Sun in June, plus Sat is 100th anniv beach
party - gah!! Jump on room in Ferndale place - get Fri/Sat
- dive back in to snag Sunday pm after Eric notes price too
low - I think I signed up for non-specific one bed studio - call
back today to see if we can be in one room, also if we can get
2-bedroom cottage. That was dramatic - mind blown - that we got a
room at all! - also - note -we both like it, I was mildly
uncomfortable about cost, but really no question we would do both.
Boom. Thank you internet and that we stumbled on that info and had a
place in mind etc.
Easy drive home - slept well. 8:50am time for work.
Do my job.
Today will be great - I expect good things. At end of say I'll say that
was a good one!
Restful weekend good idea.
Print Dad scans for fam.
Tues Jan 16.18 Bragg hotel 8:45am
I questioned whether another/multiple trips to Bragg was necessary - and
it's cool - relaxing - enjoyable - noticeable difference between
Thanksgiving week when I was dealing w/work stress, and both Xmas &
New Years 4-day weekends dealing with Mom's (and Gil's) deaths. This
weekend felt more like normal, just floating, no plans - filling
time in a beautiful coast location, enjoying place for what it is.
Finding out who I am without Mom, with more adult view of life.
After Fusion dinner, sit and chill comfortably couple hours - cherry
tootsie pops - little pot ~9:30, sleep 10:30'ish sleep some pretty
deep till ~6:00, snooze till 7 - feeling okay - shower, smoothie..
order replacement hiking pants with legging from REI (others ass
ripped out sliding down redwood hillside).
~9now - 10am high tides.. sure.. check them out, check jewelry store for
gold rings with opal like I got for Lisa; obviously I need closure
haha. Wearing Dad's wedding ring feels so right. Weird that.
Packing out.. good digestion lately.. bring dried fruit to work
instead of snacking on peanuts/American processed poisoned cereal
Good? Ready to work? Mid-life crisis - sure - have one - be unhappy at
work - everyone else is! but count blessings and make it work
somehow. Get real. At my level, no one gives a fuck. People I
support may love me - and that does count for something! But
higher-ups don't give a fig - if I complain, I become problem. So,
do my job - one day trips to LA? Maybe? But explain it makes me ill
& I will not be able to do as good a job as if I was put up
overnight. In fact call in sick a few times after LA trips. To send
Chill. Be happy. yes thank you be good today.
Today will be a good day - at the end of the day I'll think 'This was
Expect good things, acceptance, support, and give it, too, and it will
come my way.
Mon Jan 15.18 II hotel 6:50pm
Lv hotel this morning ~9:10 for 9:30 new moon full tide - sposed to rain &
maybe thunderstorm - sun & clouds, but mostly clouds south in Mendo.
Waves big and splashy tho!
I was not very connected - but maybe vacation relaxed brain - stood for a
while, but not feeling it, walk south - back to north headlands,
sit, meditate - feel good!
Remind myself how I star feeling good and connected when I meditate!
While sitting Shiva - breathing, calm, centered - set of big ones come in
right at me - they miss, but bam! Big loud thumping splashing
spraying! Starts to sprinkle - back to car ~11:20 - almost 2 hours
on coast before rain started.
Still groggy - town for grocery soup/strawberries, espresso, fill thermos.
South to side road pullover, trail to cliff bluffs. 2 miles to Little
River at Van Damme Park - park, eat, drizzle, binoculars/seagulls
washing in river water beach 'pond'- it is a really small river!
Walk to north end of beach. Nice to be out. Checking phone - Tom &
them not able to reach Shirley.. hmmm.. eventually they do. At same
time, Mek msg appeared in Messenger - same text she sent to my
backup profile, explaining how rude I was, how I misunderstood, how
it's not worth explaining. I'm not down for responding - yet. It all
feels under her control; and, also, I like having my life back. Hard
to imagine a low-key friendship.
Mendo, espresso, scientific toy store for Eric gifts - things to put
together - , books store for book about era of Rock Stars.. read sad
part of Frankenstein where innocent girl gets hung, had to wipe and
dab tears from eyes. Snif.
Super misty.. park west end of Main St., stroll headlands perimeter; then
to North headlands, but really low tide/low waves..
.. ~4:30 lv for Bragg, gas Siouxie, chill @hotel, Fusion restaurant again - chicken
enchiladas/2 margaritas. $40. You only live once. Thank you Sooz for
car. Siouxie 2.
Don't be cocky about job - everyone is expendable, and it could be a life
saver to have this job for next years. Also, live.
Couple things to look into tomorrow - downtown jewelry store with same
artist who made gold band w/opal I got for Lisa Cowan/have since
wanted for myself. Weird obsession. But go ahead and deal with it -
whatever it takes - but don't spend $500 on a copy for fuck's sake!
10am high tides - 6ft - check it out. Says cloudy foggy all day, but no
Mon Jan 15.18 Bragg 8:09am
Sleep !10:30-up ~7:30 - thermos coffee smoothie.
High tide 9:30 - shower. head over - low energy, but better than Sun.
Wank last night & this morning.
Sunny & clouds out - doesn't look like gonna rain/afternoon thunderstorm.
Vacation - same as I'd do at home, but away - sit w/laptop - walk(?) -
shop - need more strawberries - yes, this is good - no plans, no
desires - I explored recently over holidays - but.. plenty of
places to walk if I want. Van Damme?
I vaunt to be alone.
Sun Jan 14.18 II 8:21pm
Just trying to stay awake - Sat early evening slept couple hours,
fucked up my sleep
Today slow foggy morning - alien brain - who the fuck am I? Better after
shower/breakfast (mideast salad) - Nur send mole photo to decipher.
~11am headed south aimlessly - really nice warmish, still, cloudy/light
day - great for chill/tourist/stroll/explore Mendo - stopped in
several stores/galleries, yard tile with 3 penises!? Oh, fish - nice
- bought it. Grocery store: water, berries, white bean & sausage
soup. South headlands, ate soup, nap - getting a bit chillier, walk
south from lot snacking on dried figs, take long route all around -
beautiful, peaceful. Head back ~4 as clouds cover sun completely. No
Maybe, sleep in an hour or so ~9:30-10..
...on Tues lv early, visit Hendy Woods State Park this side of
Boonville, & Pepperwood Pottery1/4 mile east of Navarro store.
River along 128 from Philo is Navarro River, not
Eel, damn it. Hahahaha.
Checked my other fb page - note from Mek blaming me for everything, saying
there's no reason to talk explain etc. Ah. Okay. That settles that.
I agree. This is what happens when we skin our fantasy knees on
reality pavement. It got hot fast - either it can stay in fantasy
fun, or our real world desires make demands, and it ends.
Somehow - mental place that stuff resides in similar to other online
friendships; it was fucking them up, sucking them into same stream,
using all oxygen for others. It was all or nothing with Mk, so it's
nothing; it was a hot ride. No regrets. Helped while in WV during
Mom's death/funeral/apartment clean out. But too much time & energy
invested in fantasy, when reality needs full-time attention.
Mon: High tide at 9:30am.. and/or stroll Glass Beach bluffs -
sposed to rain! Maybe thunderstorms in afternoon? So no stroll -
well - that's why I brought a raincoat.
Yeah - I think I'm feeling better - facing full effect of deaths, aging -
still a mess - but getting a grip - of course I don't want to work -
and if I lose the job, I will fill my time with other things. If
some of those things are redundant/dumb, well, so is work. On other
hand - I can have nice things because of my job and cheap rent.
There you have it.
Sun Jan 14.18 9:44am cloud/sun
Sleep on-and-off - weird - hungry - barely ate yesterday... Just turkey
sandwich/most of box of big pretzels - careful, I'm
doing sleepless/foodless high maybe... stayed in bed till almost
9... upper left arm sore...
Feeling like being alone... leave me alone! N sent pic of small mole, says
guess where it is :-) have to respond - I'm avoiding food - what is
that about? Shower, than salad.. then walk the coast.. mmmm...
Ah, $75 for Sat pm room, $63 Sun/Mon. Good.
Sat Jan 13.18 II Bragg hotel 9pm
Lv Oakland ~8:15 Easy drive to Bragg, coffee in Cloverdale/Boonville -
sunny cool beautiful esp through sunny redwoods - climb
hillside, on way down slide onto ass, don't realize till evening it
tore ass out of pants - hahah. Pics of trip to Nuria. Heavy lovely
fog on coast - mood pretty good! Note general anger/tension/pushback
against other men in life - Dad/brother/work supervisors -
resenting, taking their 'manliness' as bullying, because I'm a
sensitive wimp/was bullied. What can I do about that? Mellow out?
Yes. Don't take it personal.
At coast turn left over bridge, then sharp right to coast/old buildings
where Navarro River meets ocean.. explore big old white renovated
bldg; walking from car to beaches, young hippie ran by, said
better/easier to walk barefoot.. um.. no.. uh, yeah okay - thank you
anonymous young man. Water rushing into surf, seals on logs in
middle of stream, lots of cool forest debris from winter flooding,
rough rocky coast/man-made 'structures' from driftwood, -
beautiful! Ocean walk end to end -
- sit in car, Bowl sandwich, binoculars: seals, birds, people dogs.
Live Loud Family radio show from Bradley - cool - good band! Gil! Scott
talking - awww - damn it. - also early Beatles from Gil's iPod, &
Mendo for thermos coffee, pretzels - moderate dense fog in town. Briefly
stroll north end of headlands - enjoying beauty, mood good - ~15mins
to hotel - 115 not available after all! 125 is fine - big 2 beds
bath quiet. No Internet! I take laptop to lobby - he says no one
else has complained, I ask if he can get on - uh hahah - he can try!
Reboots server, then I can get on. Haha. Squeaky wheel. Thanks!
Heater in room (?) knocks me out - ~6:30-9 - bam zzzz! Hydrate -
Good day, collected rocks, wood bits, photos - Bragg trips over xmas and
New Year felt like mourning time for Mom (and Gil) - resting mind -
I enjoyed today just for what it is, not much overthinking. Good
sign. Settling back into routine. Life is okay - just this quiet
little life is okay. And job makes it doable. I like this - but
something else might also be good. I also liked living in Taylor
w/Gil & Stacey.
it's a 30min drive from Bragg to Navarro River Estuary - saw couple,
sitting in folding chairs by riverside, relaxing/grooving on river -
thought that looked pretty cool.
Sat Jan 13.18 nm
Packed/showered/smoothied - emptied trash bins, idiot checks sort of -
clear cold'ish morning.. food, clothes, electronics - quiet. Don't
feel like talking to anyone online,
Want real people, real things in front of me I can touch and see and hear.
Gas up Siouxie. Is her name Siouxie?
It's okay - grow a pair, be a little more realistic and cynical,
fatalistic, be kind, but don't daydream - life is hard, bad things
happen, I need money, be less generous - esp w/strangers - support
Xo, enjoy visits/meals w/Eric, immediate circle - but financially,
w/Mom dead, fairy tales died, fear becomes more of a factor - it was
always there, but now not hidden. Fear is my friend. Protect myself
- while being kind, generous (with time, not $$), patient with
Be more cynical. Be afraid.
Work work work. Save save save. Make sure my word is good. I'm an adult
now - my word matters.
8:02, shit shower and shine. Road. 3 nights in Bragg/Mendo. Nice.
I needed a month off after Mom died - instead I am taking long weekends.
I am definitely (and defiantly) much more low energy distracted
disconnected at work - no enthusiasm - expectations unrealistic,
there's no one to talk to. No support. No respect. No one gives a
fuck about our tiny little dept. Everyone is too busy with expansion
into new bldg etc. Still, I will be swept along - doing training,
themes, photos - tons of connections. I think I'm good. I mean, I
don't sense they're getting rid of us - we are just low low priority
right now; everyone is crazy busy. So keep my head down, do my job.
Time for road. Drive. Gas up car. Cloverdale for more coffee. redwoods.
Coast. Rain. :-) Happy - no place I'd rather be.
*Cloverdale stop for mocha*: K mentioned possibly flying B to NY - hmm -
if that is affordable, K does not need my financial support. No -
not going to pay for bfs. Keep it for me.
Playing live LF on drive, thinking about Scott - where is that part of my
life settling? It was huge on-and-off 1981-2000 - then LF ended.
13yrs later he killed himself. What he needed was a life where he
won all the times that he lost. With all his gifts & ego, he could
not figure out why he had not succeeded as pop star. Failed pop star
- then K convinced him he was failure as husband... as many women do
to their men - finally he was convinced he was failure as father,
his mental illness was hurting his children.. failure "I'm a
failure!" Aside from computer engineering, making a living - he had
failed.. 53, homeless, divorced again,
possibly legally forced to stay away from his
children - the thing he lived for. Okay. Still - he blew it -
he missed watching his kids grow up. From afar? Too much for his big
only-child ego? He was too hurt.
People die. Those left behind go on living.
Fri Jan 12.18 hm 5:40pm
Finished E Leonard Western collection - cool.
Got room 115 in Bragg Sat-Mon pm - ~$70./night.
Appt w/Fitzer for left arm pain, Viagra & maybe 1-time Valium
prescriptions. Wrote into info and emailed to him.
Spent an hour in Conf Room going over CORE stuff - felt okay - info came
back - another hour next week, then train one person Fri. I'm
not doing any of the extras Head boss asked for - send samples,
questionnaires, organize & train new people to do more training in
LA. There is virtually no contact from her, from global, nor from
Williams Lea our supposed bosses. Whatever the fuck - I come in, do
my job, in theory that ought to keep me employed. I am more valuable
than I know - even if I didn't do extras: photos, training,
facepages, photo collection, CORE stuff, attend events.
Organized papers on desk, compiled to-do lists, link to HR-supported
facepages to office, then ~8 minor changes/sent again.
Not much work - others doing most all - I hope, because Randy told them I
was feeling 'overwhelmed', so they're trying to ease up on me while
On Mary's fb page, saw Niece Lisa's pic of open bible from Mom's room -
got weepy - uh-oh. Hmm. Burying some stuff? Maybe just need time -
maybe will always miss my mother, my friend. We argued, we got
irritated, even angry, we talked about everything, we both asked
questions we wanted to ask - sometimes just wanted to hear each
others' voices - and said that to each other -, talk about the
I want to be alone.
2 month whatever w/Mek was nice - but had to end.
Mom & Gil dead, Sooz 12hrs away, Karen in England. Scott dead, and Game
Theory/Photo Robert 'fame' over. Frida 'fame' pretty much over.
Only local friends are Buff & DJ.
Wow. No wonder I feel scared sometimes.
Not good to be so isolated. Afraid of change, of old age, boredom. Fear
But look life - my life, the only life there is I have any say over - and
live it the way I want.
This is a great job! Don't ever think it is not a great gift. Do it for
I'm feeling sorry for myself too much - there's much to be grateful for,
esp considering my personality and snarky attitude - to be in SF, in
growing company, starting mid-tier during dotcom boom, now into
largest bldg on West Coast, leading training into new style.
Just do my best. That is all that is required. Can I do that?
Yes - but - currently, best I can is a little less than usual because of
deaths/general malaise/stress. So - okay - do best I can anyway.
Live for moment - assume longer life.
Music tomorrow night in Bragg at brewery walking distance to hotel - might
Do not treat online relationships like real relationships. Maybe that was
what was fucking with me about Mek. And it slipped over into others.
But reality is I live alone, w/few local friends; I like it that way. But
it is hard losing Gil... one year ago - Jan. 25th. Owch.
Finally going into to se doc about arm.
Also do annual check up on Camry after back from Bragg.
Yes - I can do this. Yes I can.
Thu Jan 10.18 nm
Bragg this weekend
Discussing erotic painting with several fb friends.
Work slow.. CORE training next Fri - plenty of time to refresh.
Finances not bad w/2 upcoming paychecks.
Otherwise, procrastinating unmotivated -winter, death, overwork - feeling
cot-off left alone by WL - no dept head, no one on west coast to
talk to. Wondering if they mean to get rid of us? But who will
train, take/upload photos, do facepages templates etc? Mmmm -
probably keep us.
Wed after work BB for berries soup pudding. Another night of
pot/Duke Nukem walk throughs - but moving into cool documentaries
about weird monuments history etc.
Wed Jan 9.18 nm
Where is my mind?
Back to work - but level of depression in there?
Tues in early to train 2 FEMPs - went okay. Then final facepages,
now working closely w/HR for updates - sent it off, distributed,
felt good to get that done.
Today carve out time for CORE rehearsal, re-jigger Summer vacation - I
think there are 2 trainings 3rd week of July I signed up for - check
it out. Don't procrastinate.
Talked to Sooz last night - she's healing from lady bits surgery - body
pains. Getting a greenhouse for cactuses. Told her about Mek - said
some hope for future friendship. She said I should do Bragg
over 4-day MLK weekend - good for me.
Me, back to work, it is biggest part of my life right now - so need to
invest in it. If necessary talk to WL HR, and/or Bain HR. Esp re LA
trips. Get that stress taken care of, off table. In theory, Randy
will be doing LA - but nail it down.
Make Doc appt.
Get will info.
Tues after work, walking home, thought "I like my life! I like my
job!" Where did that come from - been a while! Good sign. Back to
work irritation, instead of depression about dead friends/family.
hahaha. Concord train, stop for sushi boat, nice walk home - so
focused on work stress I walked past Shattuck almost down to Adeline
- hahah! Damn. What can I do?? Talk to HR. Document where I'm at in
a professional way.
Reading Elmore Leonard western short stories - yep - good stuff.
Quiet with NurMont & I after long personal chat on weekend - she said busy
& hormonal - me, too I think - a short quiet is fine - we are there
to take edge off loneliness, not to be partner every day. Desire for
nudes not visible - probably there, but more subdued, and better
idea of if and where they may come from.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Mon Jan 8.18 nm rain
Expect good things, look for good things - feeling fearful, mopey, lazy is
addictive - releases endorphin, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine - to
counteract - expect good, deal with let-downs - there's always
Make plans for weekends - sitting around all day is not good. I am so
relieved this morning to go back to work, to fill my time, reassure
myself of survivability - I am employable - job with some status.
New pics sub from LR with permission from her dom.
Long IM's/pics w/Nur Sat, quiet yesterday. Breaks are good. I am
for now no longer asking her for pics. I accept her shyness. It
means - a loss of tension of desire - asking. But asking has swerved
into negotiating - and tho that's okay, and necessary - it felt -
not very romantic. Getting them would end tension/desire altogether.
It is what it is, where it is - it's fine. Some confusion was
fun/exciting. As we get more comfortable, it gets less exciting.
This is okay.
Arc of attraction/romance is predictable - don't expect anything else. Be
intelligent, respectful, kind, patient, forgiving.
I have MK's gmail. Do I owe her an explanation? That's crux of
uncertainty: in a mutually agreed-upon online fantasy relationship,
do I owe her answer about people and activities in my real life?
Isn't that an (unconscious) passive-aggressivel tactic to bring
whole thing into real world, when we (supposedly) want it at a
fantasy level - a place where we are more free to do/say/share what
we want, explore without restraint. We were - and did - learning
things about ourselves when we kept it at that level - I did not
want to lose it. But it was over. Good while it lasted - ~2 months.
Inevitably (?) real world emotions kicked in and it is over.
I think I'm okay about facepage support from HR - I reacted badly - felt
like I'd done something wrong, angry that momentum/glory
grabbed/stopped. That is not the case. They are offering help. Be
easy to work with. In long run being easy to work with will pay
Sun late afternoon downtown bookstore; Bowl fruit/hot
soup/salad/pudding. Watched Iggy movie with pudding - that was fun -
pot & music. I knew story - still good to hear.
I enjoyed sitting around, going to bed early.
Some fears of poverty, old age... watching Iggy movie, seeing my past,
dreams of youth gone.. now needing to survive. Umm - might be good
to focus on that. Haha.
Life's a beautiful bitch.
yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Oh, realizing - missing daily contact w/Mk? - sort of? Some comfort there
- but - relationships are hard enough, online fantasies bring their
own issues, as the enjoyment inevitably creates craving for more,
something solid, secure.
Maybe now that Mom is gone, I'll be more open to other friends.
Sun Jan 7.18 hm bed 1pm
Home alone in bed.
Gil & Mom dead. Karen & Sooz in far away lands.
And - I think I'm okay with this.
Sun Jan 7.18 nm
Sat mostly sat around, lots of IM'ing w/folks (Tessa, Claro)
neglected during Mk tornado - shower/wash hair, selfies
(sitting in chair) for N, ~4:30 laundry, Pegasus for desk
calendar, Mexican place nr UCB for dinner/margarita,
Ben/Jerry big choc cone - too much! but I ate it to not waste. Boom!
Rough sleep last night - dreams - about my marriage (to whom? Shelley?)
and I was sposed to read responses, checked - paper w/passages not
there - aha - person in charge had put them on roof of car, forgot,
lost them - had I not checked it'd have been humiliating situation
Foggy morning.. now what?
Do things today:
Dates of Jazz Blues fest
Photos of artwork for Will
Online Will - list of Will stuff
Fitzer/Doc appt for upper arm, viagra
So actually, not much to do - maybe a Tilden stroll?
Tidy cottage always good - but get out for walk, too!
Maybe.. toss stuff from crowded shelves?
Feels good, back to normal - fact that Mk bailed/blocked meant it was too
much for her, too. She was not going to get what she wanted, rather
than compromise she bailed. In my own way I also bailed -
passive/aggressively leaned back, waiting for her to notice and
chill. Sokay - people have flings, intense exchanges, then it's
over, sometimes it hurts.
Learning learning learning.
Be today how I want for Xo/loved ones. Active, loving, excited, vivacious.
Happy days are here again.
Looking back: Mk started ~Nov 3, immediate personal exchanges/sharing
about Frida/Chrissie sexual/relationships stuff, her pushing/asking
to talk on phone, I add to private fb page; sent Chrissie montages
w/me (by way of Frida explanation/at Mk's request), she asks if I
want nudes of her (Yes.), all in first week - wanting phone sex.
Zooommmm!! No wonder if burned out fast. Too much for me. I should
have said so? Or was it okay to assume it would slow down
organically? Each situation is different - however - speaking up
earlier is generally a good idea.
I'm good. This life is good. No phoniness. Inheritance stuff done.
Will & doc visit all's left.
Sat Jan 6.18 nm II 9:36am
"You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else"
The way I love Xo, Karen, Eric, Suzanne, Mom, Marge & john... Love myself
that way - my love for my loved ones in not faultless, takes
effort/energy - my love for myself will not be perfect - love
myself hard anyway.
The self-loathing is in everyone - we all are born thinking we are gods -
then it is beaten out of us and we are humiliated - trick is to give
up childish egoism, but still see our self-value.
I have valuable, I am lovable, I have valuable skills, I can learn, I am
Fri pm - work totally dead, bring clouded - work seems
creepy/stressful - because I feel trapped, have not gotten over
bitterness about working my whole life without retirement dream.
Rockridge Bart, light steady rain - Stilton from shop, sushi boat
for light meal/no sake (it can be done!); stroll in rain - 1.4miles,
~30mins. Good to clear head, eating good felt good - I thought: "If
I want to feel good, eat good food."
If I put work snacks, garbage in my body, to feed childish needs,
to have what I think my peers/others had, I feed a selfish
thoughtless emotional child = feel bad afterward. Eat good food, get
what I want, prioritize good things, love myself; would I feed Xo
garbage? No! I would buy her plane ticket so she could visit her
cousins! I would feed her love and wholesome goodness!
@hm, pass out early - after Stilton/bread snack - lv green deco light on
all night - why? I don't know - because I love it.
Dream: Somehow had gotten into van/short bus - with a few friends,
a strange woman? Eventually I turn and see ~10 women - realize I
have accidentally driven UBER bus to airport! Ask who is going to
SFO - all raise hands - I say I am here by mistake but "Since I am a
nice guy I will drive you all there." They take it well. After, in
half-sleep, I contemplate driving bus to local police station to
Then I went outside, pissed on statue of Greek goddess in front of kitchen
window - am I pissing on Dad's intelligence/worldview/knowledge of
history? Or on women? On goddesses? Tradition? All?
Was dream inspired by Mk relationship, saving women from cultural sexual
oppression, encouraging them to love their bodies and pussies at all
times - wet, messy, bloody - , embrace their sexuality/desires, have
lots of happy free orgasms?
Mk (see below) was taking up too much space. Feel sad, but lighter, more
clear, less stressed.
Getting a grip. New year, longer days, time passing getting used to Mom's
absence, except in me, in my life, heart, mind, morals, personality.
Mom is here in all but flesh.
Value my job.
Fri: Mom/Dad inheritance stuff - called Mony again (there was a
computer glitch), mailed in NY/other paperwork. Supposedly I will
get checks straight from them. But anticipate bullshit. MONY lost my
first call's info (only $200 anyway). Beth or Anne were supposed to
send two sets of forms, but I only got one from Anne. From other
sibs reactions/texts there is the usual poor communication.
Anticipate hiccups because it us humans involved. But eventually it
will all sort out.
Meantime, @ ~51, minus predictable expenses (WEF, Oregon, car, Jazz/Blues
weekend) ~42. And extra 10 will kick it into sweet spot.
Because I am blessed with fortunate rent situation I do feel obliged to
help support trusted friends.
It behooves one to eat well.
Today: Laundry, groceries, photograph art for will. Slept in -
chill - relax. It's my day off! :-)
Yes. Thank you. be good today.
Sat Jan 6.18 nm 9am
Indian artist - we understood it's online and not gonna be in real world,
but she kept slipping over - I did not follow - I held back so not
to encourage her - but did not say enough? When I did bring up the
wobbliness, she'd say she understood; and I/it seemed good for her,
encouraging her to love her whole body, explore her sexuality -
but.. 'friendship' part was hard to see...
Fri morning she again complained that she'd seen I was online
(which felt stalker-'ish), but not responding to her IMs (while I
was chatting with other friends):
me: maybe we have to take a break - I can't keep explaining
what's going on (referring to post-Mom lack of playfulness), and
that I have less time
you know this
her: Were u chatting with some one else
me: that is none of your business
my friends are not your business
nor are yours mine
So she unfriended and blocked me.
Mixture of relief/sadness - she's a really neat person, artist, teacher,
soulful - sad the friendship did not survive, that I did not
communicate my boundaries better (tho we did), but relief because I
have other online and real-life friends I want to focus heart energy
on, win or lose, fail or thrive - they deserved an honest time. Mk
was feeling on life support, driven by her, by her needs - which I
wanted to empower her to attain - but no. Post-mortem - what I could
have done better.
Biggest failure - I did not tell her early on, that another longer-term
online friendship had recently become more serious, and needed
attention. Instead I assumed Mk & I would cool off, not be able to
keep up that level of intense sexual energy for a long time -
- she sensed it. Yes. I could have said "There's another person - recently
become more serious - and it's not fair to you and her, not myself
to try to keep up both. So let us be friends."
That would have been best. Why did I not do that? Because I was enjoying
attention, flattery, banter, sexy photos/vids, sex talk...? Tried to
keep them separate - but felt how one influenced other: same shared
photos, drive and pace of one influencing other as I learned how to
do online friendships. Okay. I am forgiven. I did my damndest not to
do both because it was somehow good for my ego - I know that's
Emotions matter. Words count. Sex is not separate from emotions.
I owed her more honesty simply as a human being, out of common decency.
Don't punish myself. Do better next time.
It was hard to get a grasp on - because her 'stalker'ish' actions were
balanced by her assurances - but:
her: Were u chatting with some one else
was clearly over the line
me: that is none of your business
was the correct response - line in the sand - boundary.
but - but - if I'd been more forthright in beginning, it needn't have got
to that point.
I think she over-reacted - but that goes to show what I know: It's her
life/world/feelings, not mine to judge. I knew her well enough to
say something earlier; but I wanted to let positive sexual stuff
play out/cool off on its own - I gambled - when I didn't cool off, I
got passive - when it still didn't, I got passive aggressive. Saw
the opening. Played my aggressive card. Boom!
And well - glad it's over.
It is my way, the man way: back off till they get hysterical then say your
hysteria is a drag.
Learn. It made a mess, hurt her, and caused stress in my life. All I had
to do, was tell her the truth. Hmp.
Thu Jan 4.18 nm
Indian artist upset about my quietness/withdrawn, nothing much I can do,
more than I've done, I've explained about Mom (and Gil), been clear
about her & I, I think, both of us, from beginning - hiccups, road
But yes, unconsciously, I think it was too much along w/other more
established internet friends, some flesh-based - so when pressure to
chill/have mental space after Mom's death, more established ones got
more attention. Makes sense.
Reading History of Indian art.
Looked through Spanish language pages from N. So many words! Go slow,
Affirm, protect my boundaries. Speak honestly. Do it now. Do not place
blame. Accept responsibility.
Wed at wk, hit facepages hard - split AC/Cons into 2 pages each,
dug deep into ADAPT (which is uncertain tight now), talked to team
members face-to-face/online/IM, email, arrange for proofing, talked
to John R (gay work friend). Good to re-engage, on my terms, getting
control of my job. Fuck all the other nonsense. Make time to do my
job, and otherwise have them leave me alone. Hahahahah.
At work, sit on on TSG Outlook module. And others?
Maybe what I learned from coast trips: a lot of my feeling
overwhelmed is Mom & Gil's deaths making it harder to do
job. No support from company. No respect.
Cleaning out work desks/drawers is good, getting on top of things - so
when I leave work, I leave it all behind. That means getting on top
of CORE. Do the best I can. Always.
Moderate quake ~2am - back to sleep after 30min, up ~6:30 - groceries
after work last night.
Getting back into groove - here we go.
2017 is over, time to move on, regain happiness and equilibrium.
Wed Jan 3.18 nm
How much info do I owe to online flings? This is a good question.
Indian artist threw herself in early and fast, I think therefore it burned
itself out sooner? I don't know if it is general malaise about Mom,
or burn out as we rushed, now it feels redundant - tho a cool
phenomena - , or other friends who need attention/care. All of that.
It's natural for things to cool off. I don't necessarily have to
explain. It is not unfair.
Then there's another longer-term, which needs more attention - and without
realizing it I was pulling back to give more there. Do I need to
Bit wooly from almost whole bottle of sake last night - 2 half bottles -
Advil, bagel/butter, eggs Odwalla & cappuccino have helped.
Got paperwork from Anne for Mom/Dad's $$ - ~$10K - that will help
get me back where I was headed before 2017 6K to Stacey, ~4K to K,
1K to Eric? Fills in for that, thanks M - time to redo budget at
Lists and get through them.
Keep tossing out crap at work - and do what I can - maybe not Mgr/Prt
photos. That was when we had dept head, some free time, a sense that
we were paid attention to, that good work is recognized. Not
anymore. Nada. We are cut off and ignored. When I asked about title
change/compensation, I was told that'd be for new dept head - but
there isn't gonna be one. hahahahah.
Okay. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Tue Jan 2.18 9:22pm
Just talked to Sooz who is recovering from surgery - good, deep convo -
drank ~whole bottle sake during... drinking water - will I be
hung-over... ? a bit intoxicated... mild.. fumbly...
... anyway... organizing at work.. feeling more optimistic - tossing tons
There - was - cannabis hits - phrase wanted to write...
This is a tough time.
I'll get through it. This is normal life stuff. No whining.
If I need a bit extra time because of this stuff, don't be drama mama -
some of these people may have suffered way worse tragedies and pain
- death is a normal part of life - but this not to scold myself or
deny my feelings/pain, but tacky to bring it up, except maybe
obliquely, if necessary.
This is a tough time.
I'll get through it.
I'm going to be okay.
Oh so - Cherry Pie from Mendo - good pot - high.. thought I wasn't feeling
it on coast - but I was just.. on coast...
Life is sad... enjoy it while you got it...
Mon Jan 1.2018 Bragg hotel 7:43
7ft high tides ~9:30 - guess I'm trying for that.. leave ~9? Smoothie,
shower pack out - sleep ~11-7 on and off - bit deepest sleep ever,
but pretty good. Sitting sipping coffee.
I had an optimistic thought a few minutes ago, now it's gone. New years
kind of a drag - it is sold as an end, a farewell - okay - old
acquaintance be forgot etc, 2017 lost best friend and Mom, so can't
call it a good year - yet - context is good: friend, job etc -
health - my photos used in GT rereleases/Supercalifragile - good
reviews - online Frida-montage-related
acquaintances/flirtation/friendships - supporting K&Xo - Xo visit in
August.. Jazz/Blues fest w/Eric, Oregon vacation - if I add it all
up it was a good year.
2018, marker in the sand, less over-eating, opportunity for better sib
relationships, almost certain to happen organically - deaths sober
me up and face reality without losing sense of wonder/joy about
life. Kindness and heart of Stacey to give me Gil's leather jacket,
music on iPod, ashes, sheriff badge, etc. Kindness and example of
Mom & Dad to take care of funeral/flights etc in advance. In both
cases, their deaths were not as bad as could have been - their
friends/family were nearby at end. Did not quite realize depth off
losing Gil, till Mom died and he is not hear to tell. What is
lesson? Be kinder, more giving, more generous of my time.
Somehow organize work - then follow-through - do it! No more sitting
No one will notice if I sit there stewing depresses demoralized unhappy.
They will notice if I am trying hard, struggling, doing best I can - even
if I fail - if it is too much for one person it will be visible. And
I will feel better if I am trying.
Turning 64 this year, realizing I will not retire ever - that is part of
Aging - seeing illusion of having options fade - is part of life. (We all
want to feel young forever.)
Anything - any insights? No -I know what I have to do - and I just
have to do it. Get organized at work is a big one. Instability of no
dept head, and solo on CORE training is fucking with me - do ask for
support. And do my best. That is the only answer. It is not going to
New slide style/app changes: Practice practice practice. Organize desk.
Get off Facebook. Yes. I can do that.
I am a very lucky person. I am (trying to be) the best Robert Toren I know
how. That is all that is required.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Dec 31.17 hotel 8:05pm
No internet -
Jurassic World football, classical music on TV, but mostly horrible
This morning IM w/N 1hr at Starbucks, Mendo headlands - sit nap - mideast
salad - groceries for Odwalla/Mint cookies, sushi - Big River beach,
hit of cannabis, walk to end, through soft muddy sand, beautiful
bluffs - decent long walk, overcast but lowly shiny water/surf -
same shiny cloudy skies reflected in flat ocean I liked about
Back to headlands - park south lot, sun cutting through, nap sitting up
4-4:30 - walk to north rock formations and back, super low tides -
big cloudy skies very nice -
High tide 7ft tomorrow ~9:30 - should get out for that? or chill morning &
Starbucks internet assuming still out at hotel - maybe I've seen
enough high tide splashies at north headlands -
I'm a bit depressed about Mom dying and work stress - so joy of splashies
Leftover NY steak for dinner - now shower, cannabis, pack - get ready for
early out tomorrow.
Mendocino is great - so much natural beauty - and internet break good - I
left phone behind once or 2x, but as Buff pointed out, I have it
with me almost always - addicted to technology/social network.
2018 lose weight, get work together, do a will, end-of-life desires.
Karen & Xo going back to UK tomorrow evening. Sad not to see them, but
looks like they're having a good time.
Sun Dec 31.17 Bragg hotel 8:22am
Sat no plans... sunny/cloud beautiful - facebook ad for Skunk
Train, what the hell - book $25 ticket for 1hr loop - meantime look
into local mechanics in case Camry dies - some closed, nearby shop I
knew of shut-down. Okay. She's working fine for now... station
~10:30, slow boring out and back, tho morning light/redwood
groves, swampy dark forests quite nice! - send pics/vids to several
friends. My mood is gloomy, but life is okay. Probably mostly new
years cold short days gloom - and usual holiday expectations /
pressures. Too bad - a call to Mom would have been nice.
Thanks heavens we had so many good calls and years - no regrets.
Headlands nr Main St, that corner parking spot, one hit of Cheery
Pie - virtually no effect - but nice walk, mind dark, not serene;
worked through as hours passed - let myself be happy, not want
anything more than what I have/had, which was good, defines
happiness - not only do I have enough - food, shelter, clothing,
wholesome recreation, career, friends and loved ones, network,
fairly stable mind - coffee! - and relaxing days alone like this are
really good for me.
Okay - so - Mr. Overthink :-D - walking back from lovely coast (yes, it
looked extra lovely, so some cannabis effect - get some for Eric),
fire engines etc near my car - uh-oh - did ash from pipe set Camry
on fire?? No - homeless folks had big bonfire on beach - cool! - but
someone called it in! So they had to respond - dozens of folks lined
bluffs watching - small town entertainment - Fireman on coast
chatting with civilians "The biggest waste of time is putting out
that fire. The second biggest waste of time is ticketing those
folks. They'll ask 'Where do you live?' - he'll say 'That bush!'"
Hearty fireman talk - everyone laughing - good times.
Heavy tongues of fog coming in - walk around town - fill thermos w/coffee
for this morning (mmm), berries/soup/Odwalla @ grocery store. Slow &
easy - get supplies, fill my eyes, stretch my legs - so beautiful,
yes, it's okay - and $65 room in Bragg works just fine. This is good
- resting body - observing thoughts and mind settles down.
I see specific hang-ups, some worth working on, some not so much - family
is not likely to be resolved by thinking - work: thinking has not
worked - talk to someone? But really, not a lot of trouble in mind.
Addicted to facebook. An annoying ego. Avoiding taking death
seriously - normal adult lifework.
mmm - these mornings in hotels, pjs, well-rested, smoothie, sit with
laptop, thermos coffee, write a bit.
After headlands, beach fire, shopping -~ 3:30 back to Bragg through heavy
sun-blocking mist - hotel, eat chicken soup & crackers, then
McKerricher - cannabis, through fir grove to dark misty coast, slow
north to overlook & wooden path. Mind quiet - body content happy.
Home then Fusion restaurant - take a chance on steak, but too full,
tho it was really good and well-done! - 1 cocktail, 1 scoop ice
cream, box half of steak - $40.. stuffed to hurting point! Unwise,
but I wanted to do it.
@home IMs with L, helloes - but mainly wanted to fade out get to
bed/bath.. ~8 say bye.. bed...
Sorry fellas - end of year quiet time - but say something - don't leave
people hanging - Gil called me on that, that I disappear - let
people know - that is the way to treat people you care some about -
it is not all about me -
Whatever - bed ~8 probably, too wiped for bath - on and off deep sleep all
night & up ~7:30 - no internet..
Almost 9 now - wank, shit, shower & shine... Big River trail maybe?
Figure to stop in SR for meal w/Eric Mon Jan 1.2018 - bathe/pack
And yes - yes - I feel it - will it pass?: Lack of Mom, lack of someone to
push back against - absent enforcers of childhood moral boundaries -
absence of people I disappoint by default - I am free to do as I
please, with no sense of self-righteous "I know better than You!"
No home to return to shame-faced if I fail. They would say "We are
just human beings!" but they were also - as devout Roman Catholics -
enforcers of higher moral standards than any human being can attain.
So we could not meet. But we tried. We wanted it. And we, in the
main, got what was available in the circumstances. And I did not
surrender my principles - which was, as an outsider, I saw lies and
hypocrisy - and said I will not base my relationships with you on
your lies and fantasies - I don't know what truth is, but I know
it's not your 'truth'.
Massive blocking boulders of Catholic theology between us, keeping us from
contact as human beings.
So Sat: Much sleep, smoothie/coffee, look into local mechanics, IMs,
Skunk train, Mendo headlands, beach fire put out, walking/shopping
in town, MacKerricher, steak dinner, IMs, big comfortable sleep.
Sleeping alone has new edge, after Mom dying alone. She wanted to live
Sat Dec 30.17 Bragg hotel 8:15am
Yes, in spite of hesitancy about Fri off and drive to coast etc,
right thing to do.. just so tired, stressed about work, & weary
after death of best friend and Mother.
Took it easy on way up, Cloverdale gas & coffee, stop in redwoods briefly,
sunny most all way up! Lovely - sunlight make all the difference.
Downtown restroom, coast stroll, headlands... etc... fill thermos,
got 1/8 Cherry Pie cannabis...
... ~4pm drove to north end headlands lot to chill, figured to hit Bragg,
catch tail end of sunset.. oops - Baby won't start... electric
rattle sounds like starter fucked.. call AAA... long conversation
explaining to someone in another country where I am... I try key
again and she starts. Um yay! But shit! But augh!! Hmm. Drive by
mechanic today to look at it? Or risk driving around this weekend &
trip home. Sigh. I dealt with it okay... but bummer. Hey, and this
2nd time my car - Siouxie - has broke down at that parking lot!
Anyway - make Bragg hotel, ask if 115 is available, it is - cool -
same as last weekend, easy, L shaped 2 big beds. Dinner, again to
Aztec Fusion place, chicken enchiladas, 2 cocktails, once
scoop spicy choc ice cream - $30 - good food - good service..
At hotel, IM Buzznet Bobby about mdma for her depression - weary - lay on
bed ~8? Pass out till 11? Not sure but at some point undressed &
sleep again - up ~2, internet - back to sleep, on and off till
~7:30.. added up ~10hrs.. needing it.. I think stress of work and
deaths is hard on body is all.
And work seems cruel,, and there is no help nor support.. no humanity...
not only piled on work, no one to discuss title/compensation.. when
your mother dies you get one week off... nice. Yeah. Drawing a line.
Angry. Hurt. Disrespected. What have you done for us lately?
Okay, well fuck you too then. Except that only hurts me. They've made it
impossible to do the job well.
And the anger is not good for me mentally or physically.
Unhappy about reality of working till you die. Capitalist fantasies.
Do the best I can anyway.
I can't fail, unless I want to.
I'm beginning to think of talking to someone - psychiatrist, counselor or
something - to get past this angry block... thinking I'm special,
instead of counting my blessings.
Anyway - slow wake up - good dreams.. Iceland Isabelle from Davis - so
cute and fun.. modeled for me, and me for her - nudity, art, beer,
abandoned migrant camps on hot summer days.. good times...
.. sun, blue skies with clouds.. yummy smoothie, thermos coffee... yes...
slow easy morning... fb IM helloes... got ticket for 11am Skunk
train 1 hour loop around lake - perfect.
2hrs to chill, shower... no plans.. nothing to desire... I have everything
I need... that is most important.. putting on weight... but good
Okay - shower, drive car by mechanics.. then Skunk train.
Life is good. Breath deep into this moment. I am in a state of grace, but
my anger and desire blocks the sun.
Taped rent check to back window Fri morning.
Fri Dec 29.17 nm
Slept well - tho some weird dream, which don't recall, but violence of
some sort? Still ~11-6:30 slept comfortable & warm, woke up feeling
good - weepy here and there, but probably general holiday/new year
gloom. Packed, caffeinated, leaving.
Part of me does not want to go to coast.. but.. alternative is hang around
town.. sounds pretty empty... I'll be glad I did, esp if weather
sites are correct and it's partially cloudy/sunny.
Ah.. just now checked bank acct, today's paycheck has $200 payback from
Dallas. Just have to keep an eye on it. Do it. Keep this job. I'd be
a fool to throw it away.
Do will, make list for 2018, and get it all done.
Sat & Sun on coast - um, yes. Remembering a walk down Big
River fire trail, how my legs hurt, & I assumed it was permanent
pain - but was Gil-related. Top left arm pain fading, too, tho core
point of discomfort is restricting. It's not okay!
2018 - take care of shit.
Thu Dec 28.19 hm bed 9:37pm
Taking day off Fri - work super slow, 3 folks in, w/my Mom dying,
me not getting much of a break, it's reasonable. 4 days off work -
Fri-Mom - New Year weekend.
Feeling good about it - last weekend I felt hyper weird crazy part of it -
rushed - desperate - shivers and passing out one night - general
dizzy wiped out-ness. That relaxing time helped, this is follow-up -
last weekend I went from deep confusion and searching, to feeling
like I had a basic grip. This weekend takes it further, maybe to
Mk sounds upset I am needing quiet time? Make contact, talk & be honest -
K in LA till Mon. She's getting to visit old friends - good. So
gets to spend time with mixed cultural & racial family members - she
looks so happy, with Anita & Carol's kids. And they look happy to be
with her. Right on.
Straight home from wk, BB: bread/sandwich, soup, burrito bowl, eggs,
salad... travel food. Cool. At home: packed, shower, etc.. pillow,
In car at bb lot, phone dinged, live (pre-recorded) vid of KC Bowman doing
percussion track for Gil's Touch of a Clone - so good, what a nice
treat. Along with mementos, keeping Gil alive.
Anyway - not looking forward so much to drive, but yes - coast - showers -
meals - free time - ocean - headlands - full moon high tides -
partially cloudy - sounds great! Cheap hotels this time of year -
$68 - so I like this? Everyone is stressed at work - I won't get any
special attention for complaining - do as I'm told, do best I can,
keep my head down - use my credit card etc. One day trips to LA? Hmm
- already settled - but I think it's gonna be a 2-3 day thing
anyway. Make it work. Do my best. Be a trooper.
Breath. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Wed Dec 27.17 nm
No blog Tues?? Hmm... Tues Up ~7, shower/pack out,
cm-vid2mk, Mendo headlands, walk, whale, sunny/cloudy - dazed - mind
resting so its okay - leave myself alone -
Back to car @noon - overcast - Eel R overflowing onto road but passable -
Gil's Tull/Benefit on player -
Weird, a little - or not - wearing Dad's wedding ring & Gil's jacket,
playing his music, ashes in a container - bringing home sand dollars
Mainly straight through - light traffic - apple place coffee/stretch legs
- home ~4:15? still light - easy pack in etc. WF for
Thought about work on coast - it is too much, and that is situation
everyone is in - my situation is complicated by laxly of dept
head/support from company, lack of support from temp head/Randy -
so, what to do? Suck it up?
1.) Cover my ass by bringing it to everyone's attention, so no one can say
I should have said something.
2.) Take control of my work flow: make bullet point, prioritize, claim
time to practice CORE stuff & certified training principles. Let
everyone know, make a schedule - 2 hours/ day every other day.
Follow through. If I say it, do it!.
3.) Do my best. Always.
And it will be okay.
It's going to be okay.
I can see from distance of coast that work is hard for everyone, but
freezing is not going to help. I've felt paralyzed and resistant.
That will not help.
Doing my best will help.
Enjoy/appreciate my friends. Spend more time w/Buff. I will
regret it if I don't. If his drinking make me uncomfortable, that's
my problem - be away from him when he drinks.
Do a will - do rough draft at work. Find lawyer through AARP.
Make copies of photos from WV.
My life is easy - enjoy these years - they are good years. I will be okay.
Mon Dec 25.17 II bragg hotel 7pm
Hang at hotel till ~11, IM chatting, open Stacey's glass dancer/faun
present - cool! - shower, pack food, etc - south headlands,
beautiful sunny almost warm morning! - lots of people out, eat Bowl
salad in big bowl - that's good! Walk north - lovely but high tide
not till 3 - still, good rough churning/splashing! And the sun
through clouds so cheering - pretty much forgot it was 'xmas'.
Mom's passing helps with that.
Drive south to Little River airport - not much to see - IM w/K - she
checking in on me - sent pics/video of Xo, Anita etc on xmas
morning.- I'm okay, she's having lots of body pain - trouble getting
off ground standing up etc - like I did w/Gil; I tell her I think
it's partially circumstances, once she's settled/away from E she'll
South to pullover before bridge, walk to coast & back - lovely day - then
south headlands ~2 - apple, surf rough but not spectacular. I ate a
chocolate bar which lead to through an hour of irritation about
work. What to do -
I need to be more organized, put more time into CORE, practicing
training skills etc.; let other stuff fill in time after that. CORE
has to come first.
Getting tired/hungry - Bragg - no coffee anywhere!! :-O Brazilian place in
Main St. - chicken/potatoes/2 cocktails - pricey and really good!!
Nuria IMs as I'm finishing. Follow up at hotel.
Now? Kind of wish I had pipe for some high TV.. hmp. I doubt eating buds
last night did anything.
So today: Present from Stacey, IM pics etc from Karen & Xo, Hi to Lo,
shower, salad in car, walk sunny headlands, airport, fields/coast
south of town, north headlands, early dinner in Bragg.
Nice. Mental processing, mainly relaxing, letting mind heal on its own.
I got a little Zen - about desire causing pain - about what others do is
their problem/not about me. etc.
Mon Dec 25.17 Bragg hotel 8:21am
hmmm - Sun pm bath was nice, cups of sake in the dark - hot water -
gentle defused light through window - no remote, so no TV! :-O
K sending pics of Xo w/cousins, precious memories - she looks so
happy, contented, fulfilled. I played a peripheral role in
encouraging them to stay south, take advantage of relaxing time,
friends in area, and helping financially. It's all I can do, tho is
this case it's not much of a sacrifice, since I'm needing time alone
I keep looking for 'Mom feeling' on a grand scale, and that's there -
while she was alive she was still 'Mom' - never entirely a 'person'
- I felt cheated, suspected maybe she did too, because Dad was so
difficult, and she so reticent, so we'd not had an honest
Mother-Son, or any other, relationship - so we had successful
hybrid, friends, but also Mother-Son. Healing. Good. I am so blessed
- give myself a bit of credit for looking and asking for what I
- anyway - yes, losing parent/Mother is huge - worst is losing a friend -
someone I told most all to. In end, I gained some sanity.
'Slept' ~9:30-6:30? Hotel 'pastry' - Starbucks coffee/smoothie - Slept in
2nd bed by back window - fun to have big space and 2 beds. Room 115.
Sun in sky, mostly cloudy - no plans at all - seem to have no desire to
make any - let that happen - cool - this is perfect then, just what
I needed - I could make it a 4th day - call in sick Wed. I
think not necessary... but I can call in sick if I want, yes I can.
Wheel-spinning discussions continue w/N re importance of seeing her - she
sent nice discreet xmas pic. I already have so many! So why desire
more? - because.. it is a contact, like talking every day - even
just to say hi - and her need to hear she is beautiful - I need
regular refueling, reaffirmation that she also wants to share that
part herself with me. If she does not? She says she wants to, but is
difficult - shy. It'd be easier of she just said no. 'Want to but
shy' keeps golden ring tortuously just out of reach. Then it hurts.
Pain is not good. Pain leads to resentment. Hmm. It is not about me.
If I want to not feel pain - I can manage that. Look to myself.
Always - look to myself.
If it hurts - then I'm looking for something that is not coming to me
naturally. It is my desire hurting me. Look to it.
Xmas present from Stacey. No more xmas nor birthday cards from Mom.
Good - time alone - sitting - no pressure - no schedule - letting my body
& mind relax. Yes. Grateful. Breath. Be glad. Sad things happen, but
life is not sad! I may be tired, and grieving, but life is not sad!
Keep my spirits up!. Help others.
9:30 - quick shower, drive to Mendo., because why not, also there's a road
just south says 'airport' - curious... perfect - sun out - fed,
coffeed, checked in with friends online.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Losing 2 friends this year is hard - but
life is still sweet. I want what I have. Don't want what I can't
have. Learn difference.
Sun Dec 24.17 II hotel 7pm
Just back from Denny's xmas meat & tater/shake dinner.
~11 north to Westport, stop @beach before, climb rock formation, eat pbj -
overcast but nice - Tull/Benefit from Gil's Nano - explore/photo
Westport - tiny! Pretty hawk on wire, watching through binoculars
when it swooped down along highway - very cool sight! Starbucks
mocha and chicken wrap from store - walk around headlands and sit
bottom of steps near beach - emotions all day, but mainly good -
losing Mom after losing Gil means reassessments//readjustments - not
self-pity, but unhealthy to pretend it's no big deal. Meditate, dry
weep, feel more like an adult. what changes, what remains. Is it
just illusion gone, or something more? Is illusion gone?
Head south ~2 - glaring light through clouds/blue patches. Nap @overlook. Cross bridge @10-Mile Beach, pullover I'd noticed on
way up - park/walk down to dunes/ocean - beautiful glaring overcast,
nice flat hard sand beach/cool dunes. Sand dollar with barnacle!
Cool! Then find 3 more just like it. Hmp. Still cool, but...
Bragg, Starbucks to fill thermos for tomorrow; no sunset, dinner at
Denny's. Ate a small chunk of bud (since I forgot pipe) - no high
but I am sleepy - is that it?
Bath now. Rough sleep last night - maybe catch up tonight.
Sun Dec 24.17 Bragg hotel 8:47am
Sat fatigue stick hit at headlands - off-balance at groceries and
more so at hotel.. hmmm... but great room!!
Starbucks thermos coffee still warm and yummy.
Even now - physically off-balance.
Last night ~7(?) laid clothed on bed - napped hard for ~2hrs?
Mentally not right - combination of holiday emotions/loneliness,
Mom's death was a shared bonding moment for all of us 6 kids. I made bed
in her apt for Tom (doesn't matter that it was too small - I did
it); when we got call @6am that Mom might be going we drove over
together, etc. It shows we can work as a team when necessary. Mary
arranged to buy, then packed (emotionally charged) photo albums; I
called UPS, dropped them off to be shipped. After couple of
teasings, I suggested to Joan that, in circumstances, less teasing
better, & that "new normal is Robert gets treated like s fucking
adult." When Beth was creating chaos, Mary and I called time-out,
took morning off at Starbucks, came back and took care of business.
I don't like her mockery (and I think probably that's how she treats
most people - esp. men), but we are a good team in a crunch. Anne is
amazing - poor dear.
Anyway - yes, Mom's death churned up Gil's maybe - hell of a year, 2017,
to lose best friend and Mother. So take care of myself!
I feel this - pre-xmas - tension in neck/head - skin of head - numbness of
skin - ants crawling - physical manifestation of tensions, grief,
fear - fearful knowledge that this will all end, my life will end,
with it world, all existences, no one knows that is happening.
9am - thinking, overcast, cold, but no rain - shower smoothie and drive to
Westport to explore more.
Long IM w/N just now. It is nice. We both seem to accept it for what is
it, and enjoy.
Now - shower, and Westport, maybe for brunch!
Checking in w/K and internet friends is helpful.
"I mean if you did that .."
"That would be ok with you?"
"I haven't really thought about it
It doesn't seem like a thing you would do
But yes if you were naked there in front of me with your legs apart
And let some saliva drip down onto your mons and pussy
And said lick that up Robert
I'd do that in a heartbeat you bet babe.
I hope you're not grossed out by my saying that I would lick
your saliva off your pussy
But I'm afraid that's the fact"
No problem with that at all
Get to licking!!!! "
"Hahaha you don't have to tell me twice
I am getting hard just thinking about it"
Get hard that is"
"Walking around half erect now I hope you're proud of yourself!"
Sat Dec 23.17 bragg 5:31pm
Slept mehhh - up @6:30. Fri pm showered & packed - smoothie, etc.
Food, clothes, toiletries for 3 nights. Pillow. 3 coats. Blender.
Nomad till almost 8 - easy drive - frantic body, but mentally pretty good
- nice morning, some sun, stop in on Eric to say hi, tell him about
Mom's last week. Was able to tell it without getting emotional -
good sign? More about - illusion is gone, they were not Gods, they
were not 'home', if they die, so will I - I am now (I keep writing
'not an adult' hmm) an adult - fully responsible for my own ass.
That's good. Mom had a good death.
Getting good with: Anne found Mom, Beth cleaned out her apartment (after
mom laying there for at least 2 days); in comparison, my moment with
her during last breath is a minor plot twist. Last breath was not
her dying; whole 6 days was her death/dying. That Bible is not magic
- it's family bible no matter who has it. Done. I like how that's
going - processing.
Stop in Cloverdale (gas/starbucks), Boonville etc - not in redwoods - a
bit weary. Photos to friends. Walk headlands a bit. IM w/L in town.
Nap at headlands, nur IM'd, we have good chat - but tired; stroll
north headlands half-asleep - lovely - apple - groceries - Bragg
Starbucks > thermos. Hotel - say "In perfect world: ground floor,
tub, windows." Rm 115 - big L-shaped 2 big beds. Nice. Good
Realized I'm wearing Gil's leather jacket, carrying some of his ashes, and
listening to his tunes in the car on his nano Tull/Benefit. Maybe
this trip is more about Gil than Mom - maybe her death brought his
to fore, more ready to deal with it, in light of reality of Gods and
Home dying. Maybe both - deal with it, move on up into 2018.
And do a will - cheap cremation, art to who (Eric, Karen first
pic), quilt to Xo, car to Sooz, Scott photos to Dan and Kristine,
Don't wanna crash too soon - but whatever - bath? TV.
I have no energy. Hard year losing best friend and Mother. I'd be wise to
take it easy on myself, keep an eye on my mental state (I have been
extra impatient and cynical), etc - this kind of thing can affect
MacKerricher - ocean walk... mmm... close to glass beach.
Mk sent lots of nice pics and a vid.
Fri Dec 22.17 nm 3:23pm
Half-day @wk, totally dead - Lv noon, big laundry - wifi not
working, so Nomad for bagel, egg, coffee - then groceries & pack,
tidy cottage - nice. Nice to be at Nomad.
Nice to have 4+ days off - total is like a day off - lv early
Sun/Mon Bragg - Tues morning and head home -
down coast (Eric @Mom's)?
Most important to have time alone - back to work days after burying
Mom was not wise.
IM'd w/K re PayPal $, that I can afford it, and said I'd pay for
Xo's way (plus lawyers and sundry expenses). K says Xo is very
fulfilled hanging out with her cousins - I love hearing that. I may
not be around much, but helping with travel & other expenses, so she
has a good life, and relationships with CA family, and Mom there in
Barc for her 9th, is a good godfather thing. "Thanks for
everything." You're welcome Xoxo. I love you. I miss you. Here is
$100." That means we trust you to use learn to use money wisely.
Painful not to see them, but we've been in touch in the same time
zone, and decision is right one. I need relaxation & time alone -
not a busy stressful visit.
Looks like sun gonna set @4:30?
Having some nice brief chats w/women (mostly artistic) I met
through Frida montage - strange, but they were kind of hit and miss,
then I flew home to WV in April, in aftermath of Gil's dying - still
much affected - offered my 70s hippie selfies to three - to my utter
surprise they all said yes - since there's been more sharing, more
chat and questions, slow and easy and mainly easy and fun. It has
been healing for me, that anyone is interested in my body - then or
now. All have now seen recent ones - but vibe I'm getting, tagged
responses, is 70s shots are preferred, less emotionally loaded, more
fun for fantasies of sex with young hippie Robert. Hedonistic hippie
fantasy. Why not? What is sex if not fantasy. Super fun, yay. :-)
Sooo... breathing... living... mind distracted by Mom thoughts, a
lifetime churned up. A family - a set of 6 Toren kids -
Pretty settled about my role in Mom's last minutes - I am grateful
for memories, that I was able to do the right thing - but it was a
family experience; drawing any attention to myself about it would be
wrong-headed - we are all grateful for how it went. "Perfect." Joan
said. Prodigal son. And keeping the Bible would have been claiming
some Special position - as, "The one!" So letting it go may be a
good move in the long run. Let it truly be The Family Bible.
Maybe some day, Ethan or Lisa might say, "This is the bible that
was being read by Mom's bedside, when she took her last breaths."
Powerful. 23rd Psalm - thank you.
Ocean - time to take my sorrows to the ocean. Showers, and walks by
the coast, maybe some cannabis and surf walking. Redwoods. All good.
And, $500 to Eric, ~$3K to K, treated sibs in WV. If one has more
than the others - then like M&P - and Marge & John - you help those
less well-off. You just do. I feel it is a right thing to do. I
don't expect anything back from them.
Spanish book - something positive and cool to do with my time.
Thu Dec 21.17 nm
FACEBOOK. IT IS CLEARLY AN ADDICTION. WHAT TO DO?
Booked Oceanside cabin & requested PTOs, for 9 days late
July - 2 weeks PTO = 16 days altogether. 3-3.5 days to get there if
I want it - 2.5 to get home. Cool. Notably, vacation during longest
days of year doesn't seem to matter to me any more.
Booked Bragg hotel 3 nights Sat-Tues - Fri
do laundry/groceries - thermos of Nomad coffee, leave early
Already snagged 4-day MLK weekend, 4-day bday weekend,
4-day WEF weekend. Nice.
Request Jazz/Blues weekend PTO, too.
Called bank (?) about Mom's insurance policy. Let's assume it is
~$6K - any more will be gravy. Waiting for form, from Anne, to mail
Back off female fb 'friends/etc - I am needy because of losing Mom,
acting like a heartsick teenage. It's embarrassing. Give less,
demand less time. I am alone, as are we all. Keep ties, but don't
throw in so much emotional blather. Going to be lonely dark times on
Look at first part of this day's blog: Oregon vacation, Bragg/Mendo
xmas, bday & other long weekends... Jazz/Blues etc - all because of
this job, cheap rent etc. Enjoy while I can. This is fine, I am
good, life is good - I don't need emotional support some inner child
in me apparently thinks it needs. I need adult companionship -
- withdraw a little this week - take care of Mom loss damage, fear
- there's an imagined gap in my happy dreams - that Mom would always
be there - , maybe tears to share with ocean. Maybe Mom & Gil will
always be there so long as I miss and remember them. Talk to them.
One hates to put friends on a besties scale, but yes - no one knew
me like Gil - deep as my heart goes to others, Gil was a friend.
Slept decent - Wed post-work groceries, at work depressed &
on way home - felt better having food (smoothies) in house and bowl
of warm clam chowder. Eat warm food. Don't let myself get hungry.
Hurts a bit to have K so near - LA - and no visit - but totally
makes sense! Big expense for a short stressful visit.
Short day tomorrow/Fri - then prep for coast - in gift car
Sooz - life is good!
Yes. Thank you Be good today.
Wed Dec 20.17 nm
Sore throat fatigue continued Tues - home a bit early - Sooz
called, word out mentally physically from surgery. We both agreed K
not visiting me in Berk a bit weird, -
- but with a.) Xo enjoying CA family(!!), b.) my post-Mom dying
state-of-mind - not to mention expense/my not being able to take
time off work - this is not best time - hopefully there will be
better times. Tense time for both of us - he losing house etc - so
let's not add to that with stressful/rushed visit.
Bible showed up - so long as I have that version of the page of
23rd Psalm I'm good. Yeah, Tom asking for Bible tweaked me,
naturally - in shower this morning, listed parts of my life his
request did not affect - long list - got down to, he is older bro,
he responds negatively to younger bro doing well, pulling up equal -
I am no longer any living person's son, but I am still a younger and
older brother - and sensitive skin can be easily stung. The end with
Mom was a beautiful moment, I did well, handled well - did
everything right - was blessed to be with her at end. He has to pull
himself back on top somehow. Claiming superior rights to Bible I was
reading when she died fulfills that need. I have my own copy, it's
up to me to own any mild pique, and move on.
Work slow'ish fortunately - too depressing to stay on coast over
xmas holidays? Staying home - no - if I stayed home I'd wish I was
by ocean - cheap hotels and bring food - I have not tired of the
headlands yet. :-)
IM'd w/K, she busy/hyper - understand she's not much energy for my
fragile post-Mom state of mind, and since I do not need her
presence right now, staying in LA is better all around.
Maybe write to Gil and tell him about Mom - he'd understand. He is
still alive in me in some ways. Talk to him.
Total neglect of CORE business - pick it up in January.
Reading 'Psycho' book by Janet Leigh - fun - then Man Called
Destruction/Chilton - wait, did I already read that and give it to
Gil?? Then Mekka's Indian Art book.
Life is good. Dust will settle. This is not an ending, or beginning
of new phase - it is just one of many things - we all die -
thousands die daily. I did my duty. Everyone saw. Some heard my
words: it's time to stop insulting, time to treat Robert like an
adult. Over time, if we live so long, we are going to move towards
Tue Dec 19.17 nm
Mon drained emotional after going through Gil's drawers
Sun - that was a real saying good-bye - to accept a few of his
things with his widow - emotional, painful - tour, job etc stuff.
Wearing dad's wedding ring, Gil's leather coat - WTF - is this wise?
For now, yes.
IM'd w/K about visit to Berk - mainly for me - way I'm feeling,
grieving for Mom & Gil both, stay in SoCal and enjoy friends/family
- relax - if they were up here I'd totally enjoy, but also not be
able to get time off work, so pressure and exhaustion. So odd and
weird as it sounds, yes - my gift to them - stay in LA and enjoy.
I'm fragile, emotional, gloomy - let's Skype or facetime instead
(plus tickets like $800 - so no).
Talk to Sooz tonight? Check in during day.
Guess we need to respond to letters from WV bank/trust agencies for
It's okay/normal to have multiple online friends, even flirty ones
who share photos. That goes without saying. Be honest and
respectful. Do not start thinking it makes me special. That means
they're dead in the water.
Steve Wynn/Dream Syndicate played, Dan went - culmination of
Davis80s scene etc - Steve says Hi to Dan - I never knew him. At a
time when I was friendless/had no network nor prestige or future,
I'd say I knew people in that scene - because I knew who they were
and had been in the room with then - I began to believe it -
innocent, harmless I suppose - normal for a lonely outsider. But no
- heard of the scene, wanted into the scene, finally it was Scott
who tolerated me because of photos - and at some level, we grokked.
"And maybe you're a little bit like me - aren't you Robert Toren?"
Let me in on decisions, like RN cover.
Wearing Gils jacket - his DNA - some of his coolness rubbing off on
I'm working on not feeding annoyance about Tom asking for Bible I
was reading to Mom. Tacky, thoughtless, lame - but! My decision! I
could have said, "Okay, but I'll keep it for now to read, then
give it to you when I'd done." Instead, I was passive
aggressive. "Sure, you can have it, long as it's in the family (gold
star for Bobby) , I have my memories ("I'm still the best child!") -
you lose!! I want to make sure everyone knows he lost and I was the
good one. So it is on me - be annoyed with myself! Any harm? No. And
it is because he is who he is and can't help it - request came
because of his issues, not mine. There's no there there. Not
necessary to have additional information of his problems. Evidence
that avoidance is probably wisest. All good? Yes. I made he decision
- now (kindly) shut up (friendly advice) and (move on) live with it.
Slow work week please - pick up on CORE stuff next year - trainings
don't start till March. All good.
Mon Dec 18.17 nm
Slept pretty well - ~10'ish-8'ish with some comfortable
restlessness. Wipes this morning tho -
Sun brunch on Solano w/Stacey - driving over, realized
feeling emotional, part because I would have told Gil about Mom's
death, he'd have deeply understood - helped me suss it out on a
deeper level - etc. There will be more - times when I realize depth
of loss. Gil would want me to be Gil to me - not anyone else. Talk
to Gil, as I may talk to Mom now she's gone - it's okay, and can be
Good breakfast, sunny cool day - after super-windy Sat -
back at condo, she gives me small container of Gil's ashes,
condolences card for Mom, xmas present to be opened later, Nano full
of Gil's fave music - cool -he turned me onto so much great music
(!!). xox Thank you, Stacey.
Go through Gils clothes - take leather jacket she said she had in mind
for me, also a nice suit coat; then two top drawers (which she
hadn't done yet), knick-knacks, cards, tour stuff - hotel matches, I
took tour NY Sherriff's badge - many glasses, coins, odd and ends.
Stuff from teen years. Took book about Psycho, Chilton bio, 3 big
picture books of Italian trash cinema, a Jock Sturges book I got
him. Lv ~2.
On way home figure to replace burned-out headlight - use Siri,
Toyota place open on Eastshore hwy 5mins away - yayy for phone!! -
guys at place bored by nice, helpful, put $30 light in for me -
shake hands, thanks, cool.
Up University to avoid packed hw80 - gelato - book stores: comics
and 1/2 price - Bowl for burrito bowl - chill @hm - eat - sleep.
Sat draining emotionally to see Stacey, dig into Gil's
stuff, to ask for things was not easy, but I guess it went okay
- some things I asked for she said no - that's most important -
getting his jacket was hard.. maybe because it confirms, almost more
than anything else, that he is really gone, he won't be needing this
- and it is so personal - fuck - Going through everything, asking
for things, mostly felt natural, esp since I recognize so many GT
items - twin losses for me this year - death is a normal part of
life - needn't be crippling - sadness is normal - Mom and best
friend Gil tho - tough. Fuck.
Now get on with it - not "move on" - not wait till I'm better - get
on with life. Hold onto this job for another 10 years. This is
reality. No Momma and Poppa to protect me, holding a clean bedroom
open for me. I am no one's child.
Okay - shower - work - refresh my CORE stuff and info from Global.
Sun Dec 17.17 nm
Headed to Stacey's in a bit for breakfast, then look through Gil's
stuff - if we can handle it? Maybe too much, right now after Mom's
death?? I am feeling a little shaky - but also feel like I need to
face all this. But if I'm gonna fall apart, don't lay that on
Stacey. Remember she is grieving deeply, so not too much about Mom.
Her empathy might not be deep while she is suffering. Maybe not too
much detail about Mom's final breaths.
K in LA with family.
Sat chopped down half-dead Datura, dishes/garbage, groceries
- home, short nap ~4 - watching IMs from MTown, mostly between
Beth/Anne - where are keys, why was flower left outside, etc - we
are receiving paperwork from banks etc, but it is all on Anne -
cleaning out Mom's apt - pm downtown for Mexican dinner - 1
margarita, book store.
Bed ~9 - sleep ~11 - pot, music, lightshow, chocolate pudding -
maybe voice of parental disapproval is lower volume? It is up to me
now - no parent looking over my shoulder. it is up to me to decide
what works best for me. My life. No one else's'. If I want to enjoy
nightly music, cannabis etc - do it. I wear my father's wedding
ring, have his statue of Augustus Caesar - have other Mom-related
knick-knacks. Bike I was reading coming in the mail. That will take
edge of Tom's request. Let is go. Let it all go.
Centering myself and still a bit awkward re 2 online friendships
that are more - but how much, what's honest and fair - what
discomfort is of my own drama-mama making? Don't make too much of it
- this floor beneath the chair my ass is in is reality. This breath
of cold air.
Breakfast w/Stacey will help.
Sat Dec 16.17 nm
Quiet quiet quiet - fundamental adjustments, who am I, taking stock
- the cushioning illusion of Mom and Home no longer there; good -
face reality. About time. People don't become adults until their
parents are dead - feeling that rite of passage now, natural order
of things that a generation goes under. It does mean our small
family is all we have left, can be nurtured, disregarded and
dismissed at our own peril. Tom is probably a lost cause - don't
invest too much - but sis's maybe potential.
Annoyed with K's comparing her spiritual knowledge favorably to
mine vis-à-vis Mom's death - but no one can know what it feels like
to lose a parents (or both) - it is so personal - I recalled being
insensitive when dealing with Big Shot owner and his daughter when
they lost family - so, yeah, it happens, is forgivable.
Last week at work was not a bad as feared - not weepy - left 2hrs
early one day because I was feeling deeply weary - went home and
slept 11hours - from 10 long, tough days in WV - you get a good look
at who you are fundamentally, vulnerability of life. Acknowledging
reality a bit more than before, but hardly perfectly.
I have to wonder about work - no dept head still - no space in new
building that I know of - North America head in Dallas, email said
the NorAm office report to her - not SF? Maybe not CHI? I told Randy
- my work tasks were already overflowing - stuff was not getting
done properly, making more mistakes; when Tracey dumped this
additional gallon of CORE work - it just flowed over sides - out my
ears - off of my brain - like - no - this is not possible. Please
stop. I told him the CORE stuff is suffering - he seemed to
understand. There's no dept head, no contact with Dallas - so no one
to discuss this with. What to do?
3 weeks off - Thanksgiving vaca, then 2 weeks for Mom's death - I
came back somewhat relaxed and more comfortable with the idea that I
can not do what is impossible.
Online friendships - affairs - pressure is fun killer. Let things
ride - let go - don't work on it - don't feel I owe anything , or
need to seduce, entertain etc. What I/we want is contact.
Sun lunch and go through Gil things with Stacey.
Today get quarters, groceries, nap - chop down near-dead
trumpet tree in back, trim orange flower vines on sidewalk stump -
look into getting rid of Camry roof rack on community bulletin
Fri banking chores: updated excel finance sheet, paid credit
cards, deposited $1.5K checks from Anne for UPS albums/my personal
box. ~50 - which includes Dec rent & almost $3K to K for her&Xo's CA
trip. If I get even $5K from Mom, that will help get me back in
Short week coming up - ? 4-day xmas weekend.. 3 nights in
Bragg, or some new place?
Just - let myself have this day, weekend - however much time I
need... it's a big change in life. I see the future, and the past is
now more gone than ever.
Scanned/PDF's Grandpa Halloran's 1917 WWI diary - Dropboxed to
Oh - less facebook - go ahead and unfollow
people - get basic Spanish books.
Wed Dec 13.17 nm
All stuff from last two weeks processing - siblings - how it is
down to us now - not specifics - but - no more Mom & Dad, no more
home. All of us with our stuff - we need to practice tolerance,
without surrender - esp me.
UPS box Jeff Schmidt packed arrived - Caesar statue, small
Moses/Venus figures - there was lots of room, so we stuffed in my
clean clothes for padding, then every knick-knack I had in mind -
green glass sculpture, art, CS Lewis, history books, mini Parthenon,
tape measure, Mom's small white scarf, box of Robert letters etc.
(Game Theory newspaper article I uploaded to fb last night). That
was fun - like opening xmas packages! - , somehow healing - I came
home somewhat empty-handed, trying to let go - now I have
Ordered used copy of Bible I read from to Mom. That will be fun -
finally to read whole Bible. And I again think how blessed I am:
gift of Mom's friendship, that she was warm, feeling light on her
face, hearing her child's voice reading to her from Bible, holding
her hand when she chose to go. Perfect.
Find a way to 'enjoy' that without ego, without making it about me.
It was about her and all her children being there. The moment
matters little perhaps - it was a gift to everyone she was hearing
the Bible, and it was a group decision. Period. Be grateful for her
beliefs that gave her such comfort and made moment possible, that is
so helpful to those of us left behind.
Got word from Jack that Sooz's surgery went okay and stuff removed
in benign. Let K know. She & Xo flying out Friday 15th - maybe visit
up north end of month.
I was feeling Tom's asking for Bible was a bit tacky - but I will
have one, so that's all that matters. Lisa's photo of open pages is
what matters. All our relief is what matters.
Anne sending check for ~$1.4 to cover flight & UPS'ing albums. One
box arrived at Ethan's already.
Pretty quiet - just hellos to internet friends. There's a bit of
roadrunner cartoon running full-tilt off edge then realizing ground
is gone. In WV I was needy, had lots of time, need for distraction -
lots of Eros and freewheeling opening up, I was just moving, trying
to do right, not processing - then - home and I need quiet time to
Tue Dec 12.17 nm
1st day back at work not easy, but not impossible - all events of
last 2 weeks in mind - 2 weeks ago left for WV. Hard going back to
work, after 3 weeks (1k Thanksgiving vacation, 2 weeks for Mom) - on
top of my grieving, but everyone being very respectful.
Mon: Clear out emails, check on confusion re Mech Bank
payment to UBER cc, Dec rent check, stop at phone store for new
phone advice, go through many training/CORE emails - they managed
without me, so good, find alternatives, because I can't do both my
production job and train whole fucking 500-person west Coast.
I didn't have any near-breakdowns - that's hopeful. Next week will
be better this week will be tough.
Today: 1,000 Lbs (~$1.4K) PayPal to K for trip to LA.
Sooz's surgery today - waiting for check in from Jack.
Condolences card from Mare & John.
IM's w/Fam re letter from Bank re Mom's estate. That's Anne's job
Quick IM w/Mk, saying need chill time.
Sleep early - 10? up at 6:30, shower, smoothie - back at 8 to move
Work attitude different - I needed a break, even one for harsh sad
reasons - now back, I am willing to let others take some of the
weight. It does not threaten me. It must be done. Not the whole load
on my shoulders. So - ride this feeling of letting go.
Mon Dec 11.17 nm
Back to work will be interesting... hundreds of emails, training to
catch up on(?), refresh about CORE training - what have I missed?
4-day xmas weekend coming up - Bragg?
Keep in mind: I am not a well puppy - losing yr Mother is a big
deal and I am likely fragile and distracted.
Sun long/good IM/pics w/Nur; Rockridge sushi/salmon & dragon
roll, 2 large sakes, grocery for stilton, - on phone saw Stacey @
Starry Plough for Blackbirds/Mr T Experience - walk over, chat
w/Stacey, pencil-in visiting to look through his stuff - maybe a
memento - Joz B there, we all looking old - we are old...
Geoff Ball comes out, I introduce to Stacey.
2 quilts - Nan's Frida quilt & Mendo on top - that worked!
What to do about Nan? It feels like there is a blockage, true
intimacy can't be achieved - at some point, there's a snickering
defensive wall that sends a "hahaha I don't really care".. but she
says otherwise, sometimes, sort of.. in a flattering "men are so
easily fooled" tone.. so is there an intermediate chatting
friendship that is doable and works for me? And her? It's getting
later in game of life - is it more work to stay away, than to
maintain a light acquaintanceship? Being 'close' means dealing with
both our fears. Hmm.
Mentally/emotionally I am not ready to go back to work - feels like
a mistake. Might be good to get back into routine? Have to wait and
see how I feel when I get there. Leave early if necessary, or take
walks, private space etc. Do what I must - they understand. Do not
accept bullying or insensitivity.
Everyone goes through stuff like this, death of spouses & children,
parents - I am not special - but I am in a certain state, and
need support etc. I'm emotionally fragile - let it be.
Alrighty. Zoom. Less time for online affairs. Get work back on
track. Everything seems a little unreal. Make plans for Bragg xmas.
Sun Dec 10.17 nm 9:07am
Sat mind pretty useless from low-sleep 10 days, emotional
stuff - Mom's death & standard family tensions - , dehydrated from
low water intake. Maybe lost some weight - less food,. almost zero
Realized from calendar Sooz's surgery is Tues, called right
away and got her. Told WV/Mom story, then lots about surgery - good
to have that time to catch up/send love and support, and also took
my mind off Mom/WV. Naturally, she's freaked. :-(
DJ in car wreck, rear-ended stopped traffic - can happen to anyone
- she's okay, car needs body work.
Long IMs w/Nuria - more we IM, get used to language/better
communication about complex subjects. Get simple Spanish language
books. have to start somewhere, be patient. Words coming back to me,
buried foundation. Good to do w/grief energy around Mom, like
learning cell phone after Gil's death.
Posted photo of Grandpa Halloran's WWI diary pages to fb.
Late Mexican lunch nr campus, 1 margarita, 1/2 Price Books
L'Amour's How west Was Won to replace copy left in WV, choc gelato
cone on principle. Groceries on way home - mostly berries;
salad/Vietnamese soup. 1/2 soup at home.. internet/youtube.. sleep
~10:30-6.. nap till 6:30.
Online-affairs.. like all.. eventually will end.. all things must
pass... kiss joy... Mk sick/freaked.. worried me last night... but
be honest always and keep sight of myself.. I can do life...
Sunny cold morning_ today resettle cottage - kind of a mess - more
groceries, bread. Rockridge sushi.
Sat Dec 9.17 bd 6:14am
Thu photos albums/scrap books crisis resolved - asked
everyone to back off for 2 hours to breath/not rush decision. Highly
emotional issues these photo albums - Mary & I Starbucks, then home
to box M&P stuff - discuss ideas for albums vis IMs - I do
Dad's office, surprised at depth of emotions packing, throwing
donating away these scraps of paper and cloth, old tennis shoes and
office supplies; I call UPS/VFW about Dad's burial flag - Mary packs
albums, I take to UPS, ship to Ethan. There were flare-ups and raw
emotions, but important thing is it got done: both UPS and Mom's
Thu pm dinner/drinks with Beth, sit in loving room till
9'ish just - being there for the last time. Never lived in Mtown,
not strong memories like Beth/Anne, others - but - there it is.
Things from my youth. Without Mom and Dad, they are just things, no
important to anyone but us kids.
Fri Up @7am to lv @8am - showered Thu pm,
yogurt/berries breakfast - organize leftover food in kitchen, pbj
for flight. Idiot checks - leave on time. $100 to Mary for hotel.
Easy traffic & make good time - Mary navigates well. Her regular
forced chucking at real & imagined 'error' is annoying - she got it
from Dad -, but that's all; does not change me. Sticks and stones -
but prefer to not have it close. My sense of self remained strong
for this trip - with occasional need to step away. Natural. Cool.
All six of us were raw and on full display, but overall we did our
best and did well. Minor annoyances/snipes, but generally I think we
all get this was no time to self-indulge when we could control
I told Joan, "In this situation, the less teasing the better." and
said - after M teasing during Dad's funeral gathering week - "I
won't ask her to respect me - that would be pathetic! But if
necessary I'll talk to her privately and explain that The New Normal
is Robert gets treated like a fucking adult!" Mary & I tolerate each
other pretty well, and 8-9 days in Mom's & hospital was okay -
uneasy, my guard against her (and Tom) is up at all times - but
mainly I don't take it personally from her.
Beautiful PA morning! Snowed Thurs, but only on ground
am - so really that was a lovely morning drive. I explained Bain vs.
Bain&Co to her (and Tom) reasonably well.
Tom just IM'd in response to my question re which Bible edition
etc, offering to loan it to me. Thanks anyway - I'm looking for
My Fri am flight was delayed by an hour - looking at 2-3hr
layover - Bill(?) found me a flight leaving in 15mins, short trot,
made it easy - had ~1hr in Detroit to lunch, and my seat was an
So, left Pgh2-3hrs early, shorter layover, able to lay down, home
several hours early! Have to write Delta a nice thank you note. Told
Karen & L, 'I take this as evidence I am the best Toren sibling.
:-D' Seriously, what luck! On flight from Detroit to SF I must have
passed out for a couple of hours, because when I regained my senses
we were 30mins from SF! More fatigued than I knew.
Easy BART trip - hungry! Straight to Plough for Traditional Irish
Wake: Lagunitas IPA, bacon cheeseburger/fries. That hit spot. Home -
unpack - around 7 to bed, Mom's Importance of Being Ernest - pass
out ~8-9? Dead to world till ~5?
IM's - there is intimate stuff going on I'd normally blog about -
but, too personal; also, bordering on gossipy - details in long run
probably don't matter. I want to preserve this moment of pleasure,
but saving texts/details will not do that. Kiss joy as they fly. Be
Bagel/eggs/Odwalla. Noon now. Bank & groceries later. Cancel
penciled-in breakfast w/Stacey. Breakfast & Stacey sounds great -
but I am worn - my mind and body need want this day to
Thu Dec 7.17 stbks 10:40am
Fred's fb Birthday comment:
"Happy Birthday to the guy who introduced me to Donnette & Scott,
thereby changing my life in major ways that Can't Be Exaggerated -
Thanks Dude - have a tall one on me!"
Chaos again over photo albums - hard to be calm - boxing tossing
M&P stuff in apt - ate, coffee, slept well -but feeling highly
- all week Beth said she can store them, last minute can't, wants
to ship - by herself, or telling M&I what to do - group mtg at Mom's
shortly - breath breath breath - step back - Joan will call Bill,
maybe in cage? I'm at point of saying fuck it and tossing them out -
not good -
This will be difficult - be here now - be present - chaos agent,
plus we are all highly emotional -
Anne going to funeral home - I got more time on rental car -
Throwing away memories from M&P life - it's hard - be good to
myself, and to all those around me -
Leave soon - no more coffee - yikes.
Was going pretty well, till last minute Beth chaos - breath..
Back home tomorrow evening... slept well ... ate well... contact
with internet friends..
think of Karen... what would Karen say. Do?
Wed Dec 6.17 stbks 4:30 Mtown
Tried to move some furniture from Beth's to Anne's this morning but
it blew up, bad communication, bad idea to try this on tight
schedule with Tom leaving for Pgh airport ~1pm - Beth asking us to
sit around at Mom's for an indefinite time while Tom & she got it
together. M&I impatient, but way things have been this week, we did
not trust her to be on schedule, talked to Anne, went out to get
boxes. Her style was to take furniture etc to her house, then if
someone wants it, come and get it. Cocked up for sure.
Anyway - it was a mistake to try it, esp w/this family and esp
Beth's discomfort/confusion, all our emotions.
But we did get out ~9 for breakfast at EatnPark - with everyone -
hugged Lisa, me to her - 'I love you, you're a great person' -
there's am art thing between us. Good to see Joan & Jeff's
relatively sane family one last time, got pics of gathering. Then
Joan's fam, Mary & I, to Dad's church place, w/Ruth, where Mom will
be. Left flowers, took pics.
Back home, Starbucks, M&I worked out flights - I leave Fri
morning, she comes w/me & hotel for the night. I'll pay. We went
for boxes - me salad at Terra - then get out for last hour of
sunlight - cold, but beautiful - Anne maybe come over tonight - not
sure Beth can handle Mary -
- she sent note to Anne & I (not Mary) if we wanted to have dinner
- boy is that stupid. I don't swim in that shit. Dead Mom or not -
Anyway - Family!! - yep.
Hellos to internet friends.
There's a music lover in Mississippi, have light contact on fb -
not sure how we met?? Barely know her - few months ago she asked
about meeting - I said not my style - maybe she just lonely and I
seem nice - that's a normal thing. I reached out today - maybe bad
timing, because I am feeling needy? - mentioned her request, said
awkward but okay to discuss, talk.. then - (I have been
sending her occasional young naked roberts since Apr (along with N &
Clar), this week send her 6 recent from Mk relationship, have been
thinking about asking her for a nude for months - so put it on the
table as fun thing -she said maybe, I said no pressure etc of
course. We chatted a little about ourselves. Mainly me, since .. but
it's good to have opened the door a little.
And it 's good to be online at strbks, blogging, moving back into
normalcy but without parents, emails from Buff saying they miss me,
come back, expressing concern - difficult sibs, feeling pretty
alone. All family if difficult - is ours exceptional? Maybe not; -
- but one thing I now know - the death of our parents will not make
it any easier - not quickly -it's up to me to simply do the best I
Not good time to communicate, but daily hellos to a few is helpful
- & fact that some continued during this difficult week says..
something.. and maybe not 100% perfect - but it means they matter to
me, because I could have bailed.
Anything else..? Mary may be taking hint not to infantilize me.
Small things trigger me - I can do some work on that, too. It will
be a group effort - never be perfect. Nothing ever is. Relax. So far
I'm doing okay - some mis-timed humor, hyperness - but overall, have
not hurt or inconvenienced anyone I'm aware of. And - re the main
point of being here - Mom - I did best I could. Us all being
pall-bearers in the rain - Tom and I in front, as we were with Dad -
total coincidence - good lunch. Okay. Now be a grown up - and
Tue Dec 5.17 Mom's 7:51 (Mom's funeral)
Drive Mary & neighbor Susan to 11am funeral in light rain - small
attendance, but it's love that matters - she was not a public
(newspaper) figure like Dad; her children & friends loved her. Mass
a bore - well, it was a little sad, sparsely attended by frail old
people, rain out back windows - covered cardboard coffin w/sheet -
funeral home folks moved coffin to door, but most all of us were
pall bearers. In the rain - it was good to be together.
IM'd Mk - we say, odd in a way, but sounds natural, extreme Eros &
eroticism vs. mortality; said, maybe we'll have thoughts later - for
now - go with it as we have been.
Olive Garden - Susan & Mary good company - good food, sat next to
Paul who went to school with Dad & dinner w/Mom, and Catholic social
worker lady - Mtown Byrons(sp?), he also loved opera, they went
together to Pgh. Talked family, WWII, social work - Paul frail, but
cool to talk w/someone who knew Dad & Mom long time. Friends from
Serra club, and who drove Mom to Sat mass. Checked Mk IMs
vids/pics. We both seem to be on same page with all this - I don't
think she is mistaking me for an extraordinary person - but we find
each other interesting, and can be - as artists etc - very open with
each other - so, cool. Fortunate. Lucky.
Took good pics: six West Virginia Torens, w/Schmidts, then with
extended family: Sean & Anne Mechinsky. Cool!! Fucking family
Home - crashed a bit, now events over - through evening couple
glasses cranberry juice w/half-shot of 7&7. Load of laundry.
Everyone going through things, talking photos & such. Jeff
pro-packer put together 5 boxes to UPS, including one for me
w/clothes, Caesar statue, all various books, small statues & such.
Looks like I am keeping Dad's wedding ring - not worth much $$,
but... sentiment. Mary wanted to talk flights home/matching our
trips to airport - too early - just back from mom's funeral, not
sure but I think she already set up a bus - she wants to be in
control of her schedule, understandable. Cool.
Packing, talking, delays - move UPS stuff into Jeff's car - Beth's
stuff into Beth's car. Snack, Pride & Prejudice - etc.
Plans for breakfast tomorrow - 8:17 now - bed @10PM?
Interesting that I'm continuing flow of online friendships - also,
Karen IM'ing w/me before memorial about Soft Boy Andy helping her
clear out house and cooking her food - I said "Tell Andy I love him
dearly" - he laughed - my Mom's memorial + she in process of losing
house - parallel awfulness.
This is a difficult family - try to be my best, try not to judge,
hold back, say less. We all have our hostilities, weak areas,
sensitivities. Jeff says Mary's like Dad, Tom's like Mom, Joan & I
not like either - thank heavens if true, tho my mannerisms are like
Tonight I napped in Dad's recliner, wearing his wedding ring. Hmmm.
Funeral parlor Dan said 'Mom & Dad were good people', I said 'They
raised us to be good people. Took a while but we got there.' He said
'We all become our parents." - sure, not original - fun tho, and
We all had a lot of time together - I wrote Jeff a check for $125
for my box, he said that would cover everyone's (?), I said
~'Surprisingly, I think I'm doing better financially than some
others.' He said 'Like us (meaning he & Joan). No one objected
to me paying for most of Mexican meal. Well, all the same - going
forward, less generosity. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.
So - stay Wed/Thu - help Beth/Anne w/moving-
Fri morning(?), Sat to adjust timing, Sun day of -
fresh air sunshine, coast, sushi w/Eric? Anything I want to
do here? Quick trip to Cooper Rock again some morning? :-) or lv
Sat... nice to have a choice. If necessary, take Mon off
Now slowly we see life changes... more serious... no home...
probably no major changes in sib relationships - watch $$ - more
working & saving... bam... but...
... so many worse ways, crime, car crash - We had time to be with
her - alone + in groups!! Be with each other!! Support each other!
Not too much tension around $$ or taking their property - funny how
mundane it seemed in some ways - not a lot of emotion/tears when
going through their stuff. More memories, intuition, appreciation,
the amazing steampunk raincoat for Lisa! Ethan interested in
scanning the photo albums/scrap books.
Hard to imagine going back to work, back to Oakland - I want to
stay here - home - Mom's - Maybe I'll be ready to go by Fri
or Sat. Tom & Jeff/Joan/Ethan/Lisa gone Wed. Mary
leaves Sat? A day w/put her - or really alone - might be
Dad died July 2013.
Mom died Nov 2017.
We are really alone now.
Hold onto my job! Appreciate my cottage. Love my friends and life.
Tue Dec 5.17 stbks 9:30am raining
Memorial was not bad - I was hyper/chatty (do better today -
breath) but nothing awful, stepped way, got pizza, sat alone, tried
to listen as much as talk. Asked about Mom's glasses - she didn't
look like herself - Dan got them, she looked more like Mom we knew.
I am not feeling much now - looking at her - like I did w/Dad
- most those thought already processed before this event/during this
Cousin Jim sent flowers bless him - send thanks.
Contact car rental to increase time.
Plane ticket for Fri - weekend at home to prep for work
Monday? Yes. Half-day? Maybe. Orrrr.. fly Sat, and take
Tom sick.. only there short time at end of 3-7 mem. Joan got sick
night, no sleep - dang. Lisa sick all week.
After mem Joan's fam came over to Mom's went through
closets/drawers - cool black steampunk raincoat for Lisa! I said
"This is the time to be greedy" - they took Dad's foreign coins, I
took more, it was fun doing this with them. Keep stuff in family. I
am taking Julius Caesar statue - UPS it and other tomorrow, help
move stuff to Beth's.
In morning, Mary & I stepped out to drive for frames, Mom's friend
Susan out at same time, also going there, so we drove her, had nice
chat, fun at store - fortuitous timing.
IMs with Nuria, staying in touch despite circumstance, but
acknowledging circumstance. Happens naturally for me - and I think
she is glad to see that.
Some Mek this morning.
Okay - good -quiet time before 11 funeral.9:54 now - lv, home by
Mon Dec 4.17 starbucks 9am
Good to blog/have record - may be last time us 6 kids are together
- get a photo!!
No public on fb - telling certain friends - backing off some IM
relationships - I may be overthinking/needy - don't lay it on
them - I have peeps to talk to.
Thought through 'no inheritance' - many friends much worse off, and
situations - Dad's dad died in depression threw family into dire
poverty - no - no matter what, ay minimum I have SS backup - and
savings, so I'm no cause for complaint - it was just a nice
daydream. Accept it and let go. I always said it was not going to be
enough to change my life - even $30K - but I guess I liked
notion/concept - from movies and cartoons! :-D - well -
Life is good. Buff emailed news from the neighborhood - he misses
me - I found some nice silverware to bring to DJ. Decided not to
take Dad's stature of Alexander T. Great.
Also, I'm glad I'm in Mom's apt, this is good to have last time
here to soak it in, let it go - Mary & I getting along fine.
Went through photo albums last night with Joan/Mary/Beth - found
good ones - get frames w/Mary today - dishes - laundry - black
slacks/heavy green shirt today - look into jacket for funeral. Sean?
Tom says he's coming down with Lisa's flu :-(
Slept well - showered, got out early for time alone - home
Sun Dec 3.17 mom's 9:24pm
Sat morning breakfast & groceries w/Mary, then hang around
house (?); pm Mexican dinner w/Tom/Joan/Lisa/Beth - Mary watching
Wizard of Oz, Tom dropped by, we watched childhood film together -
well, that was nice.
This morning Starbucks, home - Aunt Shirley called, I picked up,
had nice chat, gave her details of her sister's last minutes - .
Waiting around restless, drive furniture to Beth's, Joan shows, she,
Tom, Mary & I drive to Coopers Rock, superb fall day, naked trees,
clear blue sky, pictures fun - good to get out helped a lot - cool
Continue contacts with Mex artist N - again confirm we want to stay
in touch despite language barrier.
Also Indian artist/photos/vids.
Inheritance came up - B says just a few $K... you know, Mom hinted
at that - I thought she said $150,000 in bank so I was thinking $30K
ea, but B said more like $5, or less. Oh. Okay - disappointed - good
to know, is she is correct, now and get over it. was looking forward
to helping K & Eric, and also bit extra cash - but WTH. Life goes
Cooking, eating, bathing -
Wearing Dad's wedding ring - why? Now maybe I will be more frugal,
and learn Spanish. Maybe some silverware for DJ. Ship home Dad's
statue of Alexander the Great - take come mementos. Luna cat at
Beth's - love that cat! That is what's good in life - more important
than $$. Friendship, integrity and cats.
Really. Don't be half-assed - but don't freak and *reform* over
Stay till Friday to help around house, fly home Sat. Sunday
to check vitals - see if work is possible Mon.
Sex pleasure to escape gloom of death - yes! Steady myself. There's
some rudeness in this family - so far I am avoiding making their
problems my problems. N sent pic of foot I'd asked for - thoughtful,
thank you - a kindness of sensuality and physical beauty and Eros to
keep a light on.
Fly home Fri? So I have all weekend? Yes.
Gahh... yes... this hurts $$-wise - I was counting on more
inheritance to help with everything - but all I did was pay plane
tickets, meal w/Joan/Lisa, breakfast w/Mary.. hang into my good job
- pray cottage stay intact. Inheritance prob cover this trip, so
9:55 - sleep time.
My gift, my inheritance, is good morals - gift of easing my
mother's last years, her last breaths - facing the morning sun,
hearing soothing Psalms, balm against pain, her children nearby -
thanks to them, I have the love and character to overcome my doubts
& read Bible verses from the heart as an honest gift to her in her
hour of greatest need. This is good to know about myself. Suzanne
called me devoted. This is worth all the money in the world.
10:07 - time for sleep.
Mon memorial 3-7pm. Fuckity fuck fuck.
Tues Funeral 11 (?) -2??
Sat Dec 2.17 mom's 9:37am
Fri Hastings Funeral parlor - Dan H was great! - glad I
went, conversations were pretty easy, minor disagreements (which
cover for books for people to write condolences in), but - very
informative, Dan friendly/professional - he hung in Sausalito early
70s so we chatted about that. Mom & Dad covered everything -
amazing! Wish I had their smarts and organization etc - but they
earned that the hard way, through suffering, economic depression etc
- work work work save save save their word was good, said Dan. The
greatest generation; okay, now I get it.
I drove with Anne, got to tell her about Mom's last minutes.
I am the prodigal son, there's goodness in the way it ended - I'd
have preferred everyone be there at the end, for their sakes - , but
for it to be me, who came back after Dad died, worked hard past my
own faults, personality conflicts, religious beliefs and lack
thereof, to have an honest, meaningful relationship with her. It
meant so much to her, and it gave me great abiding joy to see her
joy restored and pain eased - as well as my own - .
They had turned her so she was facing late morning window light,
angry son who had returned was reading her the 23rd Psalm with
meaning, measuring, moved by the words - holding her hand! - she was
not alone, there was light - it was not dark! - words from her whole
life - she was into words - her son's voice, reading words of
hope. Yeah. You go Mom. Someone was watching over you.
"Come quick this might be it"
Discussing Obit etc w/Mary/Joan/Anne - I feel shut-out a bit, but
it's their mom - female - so - let it be unless it is very
Thu Nov 30.17 Ruby cafeteria 1:32pm
Sib coming/going - ~ 10:30am? asked for time alone to read Mom the bible
- Joan suggested psalms - I chose randomly, her breathing was
steady > chose 23rd, read slowly to her with feeling message she
would love to hear, eyes watered/voice trembled a bit > after done,
noticed her mouth was moving slightly but she was not breathing >
stepped into hallway calling, "Is there a nurse?" 3 came in >
I said have not seen this before > calmly told me "She's taking
her last breaths." > I voice IM'd group "Come up quick this
might be it" (thank god I got phone/IM thing together) - back to
Mom.. not breathing > gently they said "She's gone." I broke
down for a bit - like with Gil - they left quietly.. bless them.
Joan/Lisa/Tom/Beth came in... I said "she's gone"... "2 minutes
ago"... Joan said "perfect", I said 'Sorry I asked you to leave",
said no "perfect", esp once I realized which Psalm I'd just read...
okay, so we all hugged and wept... I told them how peaceful she
was... breathing steady.. then simply stopped.
Lisa shot cool pic of Bible open to Psalms w/my glasses where I sat it
down to go call for nurses.
Okay, so now > that is not my history > that is family history, we
were all there, they all said bible good idea > someone else
suggested Psalms > let go - claim nothing.. I was a vessel, a tool,
my actions about her.. that's my reward.. now let it be... best I
can - do not be hard on myself...
She waited till we were all here > we all had private time with her
> we all interacted pretty well -
So yay. Good or better than anyone could reasonably expect.
Somber - nothing funny about losing yr Mom > but grateful.
Get it down here - then let it go.
Waiting for coroner > etc - not sure what's next.. Beth having some
alone time with her now > called up > stepped in > seems I'm
expected to stay? I'm ready to go home and crash for an hour - brain
not functioning well... do what's best for me...
Funeral Mon-Tues?? 3 days w/no plans... fly back
Wed. Use 3 PTOs. Or leave. Don't decided today - I am more tired
and upset than I realize.
Thu Nov 30.17 Ruby Starbucks 11:00AM
Got text ~6am mom failing > Tom had arrived last night & slept on
couch > not much sleep > I drove us both over > Mom better/w Mary >
Anne arrives, I drive Tom & Mary, to drop M off/Tom get this car
wallet. Beth arrived, asked for time alone. Starbucks, Joan Lisa
showed up at Starbucks > went up > me up now.
Tired, might take nap break. Mary & me at Mom's - be as kind and
forgiving as possible. Stay strong for myself > but also forgive. Be
my best self. Always.
Back, breakfast/coffee > all here now? Headed up in a minute.
Wed Nov 29.17 Ruby Memorial, Morgantown Starbucks 3:00pm
Flight > transfer > rental all went smoothly - straight to hospital
> in touch with sibs via IM > GPU for driving etc all v helpful ..
Anne in room, room unconscious, some rough breathing/hand
shaking/light coughing : Anne left for alone time > talked about
things we talked about on phone, vacations, Lost River, work -
did not know I wanted that but it was good.. left ~10pm, Krogers for
groceries > @Mom's took Dad's office bed > v comfy! Like gambler in
L'Amour western, be a good man, do job, everything else will shake
out. Turkey/cheese sandwich, slice of pumpkin pie dinner.
Not morbid or childish... see things clearly. It is not home
anymore. Home was Mom. Home is upstairs in bed.
Slept well - seeing apt now, I see her more as person, less as
mother - her life - full - her personhood complete > didn't see
anything I want. Bible maybe? Sleep ~11:00 > small bed, ocean
recording, baggy warm PJs, pillow case.
Shower, bring food and books to hospital ~10-11? Breakfast w/Joan,
good talk about family etc. Pamphlet in room about importance of
silence - I am bit narcissistic ? this is not about me > was
struggling with that > yes, this is Mom's death, it affects many
around her > but it is about her > I can deal with my personal loss,
without insisting on attention from others also suffering. That
helped. She is withdrawing into herself. She was along when she
died, she did have a button to push for help, so hopefully the first
mostly knocked her out - but even if she died alone and afraid, she
was home, in a warm safe space > There are worse ways to go.
This is the big one - there is no precedent > Dad was distant and
angry > Mom was loving and had immense strength and capacity to give
and love. Between the two they raised us well to be good people. Mom
took pride in us, tho not practicing Catholics, being good people.
She is gone > withdrawing into herself > last night I talked about
her being a good mother > today I read to her from Bible > they say
maybe she can't hear, but religion is in every fiber of her being >
I imagine it might help ease transition. She is feverish, warm
colored > they said that indicates she is in decline.
Remember to eat > steak wrap and cap now. Beth also wanted time
alone with her. There will be an inheritance, B & I discussed
dispersion > M&P wanted equal distribution > I have some guilt, but
let it be their desire.
Beth & I chat a lot about everything > TED to religion etc. Social
worker came in > "Nah!" we said, then began to talk > about pushing
back against controlling sibs etc > it turned out to be very
helpful! We had lots to talk about, 3rd person made it easier, to
cry, say what do we do in certain situations.
Have not even been here 1 day - feels like longer. Leave space for
others to have time with her. I have had hours, talking alone,
sitting quiet with my hand on hers holding her lifelong rosary.
Leave lots of room for others - it seems there may not be much
time left. She is leaving, resisting - strong, by God she's strong.
Joan at airport w/Mary, waiting for later Lisa flight > Tom drives
in late .. make bed on couch for him.
Tue Nov 28.17 SFO 6:40am
Mom still breathing - all us kids coming into town - this is big,
this is what we have all.. knew was coming. We were so damn lucky to
have mom for so long, 92 - 3? and still sharp, and enjoyed her kids
so much. Loved hearing our voices when called - didn't erase old
msgs because she played them back to enjoy them. Guess stroke was
Thurs pm - in bed?? And she was found Sun
afternoon-evening - Details later. I'm sad she died alone... but
hopeful it was swift, massive stroke, lights out - matters little in
long run - focus on good, there is much. It means so much to me that
my calls and friendship meant so much to her. And we had The Talk
about religion and Dad - blessings, so many blessings.
Lots of IM'ing with Mek - said back to normal asap is better than
sinking into gloom = pics/chat).
Hellos to N, but she very sick/flu, still good to be in touch. Hi
Having phone, IM'ing, pics to send, UBER is huge! Extremely
difficult without. Group sib IM'ing w/family from start, Beth's
first note about situation, that is does not look good - discussing
trips from airport, whether or not to rent cars. So, yes to that.
Started learning phone to help with Gil depression - could not have
done this without it.
Mon - didn't sleep well - laundry/groceries all done so
that's good! Just back from vacation so rested, serene - suitcase
still warm.. mentally in travel mode - sat around -distracting my
mind looking for erotic gifs :-D - short nap ~4 - Bowl for burrito
bowl, yum! Pack, lots of winter clothes - don't have suit or nice
shoes (at work).
Shower ~8, harlequin, sleep ~9? Actually slept decently till ~2 ,
then comfortable doze till 4:15. Alarm 4:30, smoothie, last stuff
into suitcase - pjs/laptop/phone - call UBER, 5:15, easy - $45 - SFO
before 6 for 8am flight, and easy trip though security. PEETs
coffee/scone. Life is good. Sad - but good.
Phone lets me check in w/folks, send photos, nt feel alone. That
helps a lot - esp right now.
7:21 - bathroom break, then.. boarding. Window seat - try'n sleep.
Sun Nov 26.17 hm 8:10pm
Drive home Sat - lovely sunny in Mendo but okay to leave - $500
hotel, $500 ceramic art work to support Sarah Logan who's studio
burned down, $500 tithe to Eric just for whatever - relaxing, good
vacation. Ahhh - - stopped in SR to day hi to E, but turned out (he
was free sposed to be busy w/church work), had a fun jolly sushi
dinner downtown - home ~7:30?
Sun rainy - slept like a rock 10:30-6:30 - didn't move, dead
to the world - cool - lots of IM'ing w/Indian artist/teacher.
Tonight on way to Bowl IM's from Beth/Anne mom in hospital - not
looking good - all kids back-and-forth (except Mary), word came
through massive stroke, not survivable - unconscious in hospice,
could go any time. I had tried to reach her today, rang & rang -
emailed Beth/Anne to see what to do... missed last week's call
'cause in Mendo - but had good calls previous weeks, and many
through last 4yrs since Dad died - esp last couple years, it made
her & I so happy, we became friends, I relied on her advice. So -
big blessings - I am okay, we did good.
Tomorrow call work, talk to travel guy - see if he can help me get
a flight to Pgh for Tues. One-way I guess. I can maybe stay
at Mom's w/Joan, but hotel will have wifi. We'll see. Can always do
wifi at Starbucks.
That's it - we are a small family - Mom was home - I got to show
her the videos of 1203 - we got to talk about some childhood
memories - she didn't erase her phone message because she liked
listening to them. Oh my god. well, Gil & Mom in one year. My time
will come. Leave past behind, enjoy life.
Today did laundry/groceries - called work that I won't be in - pack
tonight - got UBER - $$ in bank - credit cards -
She went fast, one hopes - dizzy, headache, out! Sad.
She was home. That was it. No more home. It is down to us 6 kids
now. Mom would have wanted us to be closer - maybe I can do a
Donnette with Tom & Mary. Stay away from them in WV if they are
being difficult. Don't respond to their darts.
Re-reading - doc says she was likely unconscious for a couple of
days - oh - laying or sitting somewhere when I called - but massive
un-survivable stroke - okay - and no way to know how long she'll be
alive - - - - wait for tomorrow - wait to hear - can I help by being
at hospital with her? I get frantic/confused - so don't insert
myself in unless it will do some good. Wait to see what they say
tomorrow. Call Travel Gill at work to see how much notice he needs
to get me something. Get info.
Meantime, tomorrow morning pack - so can leave in a hurry - UBER to
Good - I'm calming down - I can do this. I did okay with Gil - I
can do this. Mom's death is bigger than sibling rivalry.