Take care of business. Do not fear.

+++++
 Sun Oct 21.18 nm
 So why no EDD this week period? Dunno - visit Wed am and find out.
 ~2 checked BART music, but meh, and chilly - falafel bowl, ice cream - bit of yard work, uncovering bricks in front yard, searching for tumblr Ana Foxxx pics to share, ~7 Bowl, soup dinner - not enough - wake up anxious - shower/smoothie/nice clean bed.. Buff/DJ home ~8 -
 All packed, dressed - thinking Bear Valley, but also want something new.. head out, have apple/burrito bowl/pbj.. see what occurs to me.. work filled my time - fill it with other fun things I like as best possible - but don't kick myself for not doing more - easy to fall into that self-criticism.. do enough, find what I like, do it.. join a group if it helps..
 Pick classes for winter and Spring. Here I am. Here I am.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sat Oct 20.18 nm
 Fri MSOffice class, more Excel - basic and good - downtown bento box, daily 1/2 price books top - Telegraph/Moe's - trade for Ditko book, browse basement, GBV bio - Peet's mocha frap - home, laundry - last chance to do bed clothes etc in front house - so convenient & nice!  - Buff's Civil war book in front house, wiki war details - ~5 new BART plaza music - beat box cello guy & singer girl - sort of fun - gelato - dinner: eggs plus leftover bento chicken/rice -
 Sleep well.. clean newly-made bed - wake from dreams (forgotten mostly) feeling okay - in moment - restful, rested - weekends it's okay to sleep in - 8am..
 Without job empty quietness of life feels.. not generating income - without being paid for creating feels like failure.. must be producing..! well,  - on top of keeping myself whole, healthy, mentally active - creative producing, yard, cottage, life.. I can hike, go to Reyes etc - but also want to feel I am "making something".. lots of people do not.. how to see that... not be indolent.. Volunteer? Classes? Is it enough? (makes funny twisted mouth face -hmp)
 Breath - be happy. Be easy on myself. It's okay to relax and enjoy life while I figure out things. I am not stetting idle in water. working with Nia, on resume, on where my skills may be needed. It's okay.
 Grateful for health, mental alertness, comfortable clothing, friends, living situation - roof/kitchen/bathroom/food - , relative mental health, good life habits, lack of vices/addictions. Nearby Brother/family good, too - don't neglect to be grateful, find ways to make it work positively. Let go of pride.
 John and Marge/farm soon - tomorrow?
+++++
 Fri Oct 19.18 nm
 Thu good InDesign class, sit across street cafe till 2:30 WIAO meeting - Good 1hr+, talked through what I have in mind - emotionally, I want a job, but intellectually I know I need training; a people-helping (progressive) non-profit, or training old folks on computers might be a good fit; supporting addicts came up, I mentioned my alcoholism, being sober for 20yrs - she getting a better picture of who I am - will send list of potential volunteer opportunities - we looked over recent resume in-depth, discussed my discomfort - mentioned I was having some rough days, a support group might be helpful, knowing others have it worse does not help - she seemed intrigued/excited - ; mentioned I'd be visiting EDD office next Wed morning, she said give her name, they know her. Okay, Good.
 Anyway - one and on..
 N Berk Sr Center to pick up card, brief volunteer chat, Sat afternoon political event.
 Vietnamese wonton soup - yum! - Berkeley Bart plaza opening - Mission Delirious Latin brass band - 5min fun, live video to facebook, gelato.
 Checked WLT act page then banking acct - severance checks being deposited! I wads told one $17K check. Okay - adjust - this is better - I like it coming in like paychecks for 3months - so, through Nov.. taxes already taken out simplifies things. Okay.
 So, UI, COBRA, severance, settled..
 Start choosing and signing up for classes/ keep iterating resume. Nia says do not put on Craig's list/ LinkedIn etc.
 Internet breaks - read, tidy. Don't get stuck/paralyzed fearful of change. Change is inevitable' Life is change. Stability is an illusion.
+++++
 Thu Oct 18.18 Cafe nr BAS 1:23
 InDesign morning class good - waiting around for 2:30 Nia 1-Stop meeting. Wed worked on resume, put me in a bad mood - pressure!, so important! must be done right! cover letter super important!, what If I'm not a fucking writer, they're all different - fuck. On top of my age, this other impossible task.
 Today re-write, less-specific, transferable skills -
 Wed am picked up Camry - 20min walk - no charge but window still barely works - only if door is open? Better get it fixed - $400. Ouch. Paid $109 for annual AAA road service. Emailed WLT about severance benefit. What's up? Yard work, dug out big-leaf Australian (?) plants from several hard-to-get-to spots in front.. looks good.
 Face in laptop a lot - not getting beneath bed, not watching movies - not walking - break from laptop - choose times, 3hr spans, Yes.
 I see these jobs for ~$20hr.. seems they're there in emergency. But, school first?
 Next Wed morning drive to EDD and chat.
 Maybe no caffeine after noon?
 Music, movies, culture.. weekend? Ocean, water, nature, walk - music @ refurbished downtown BART station this weekend.
 Drop by Senior Center today for registration card - visit south Berkeley Sr. Center. I need help. Stressed and scared, Job loss after 20yrs is huge, scary, stressful - it's okay - my reaction is normal. Is there a job-loss group where I can talk, share stress, survival tips?
 Okay - but - count blessings - yard is wonderful - cottage comfy - electronic toys..
 1986 BSC Game Theory photo, Milestone, Scott jumping in fb group, after posted by Donnette & others.. me & Gil in backyard on fb title photo.. maybe too much withdrawing.. let go.. find new things to live for now. less internet sex.. that hole goes on forever and is ultimately depressing and ugly.
 Unlikely to find a job where I use InDesign etc - but - best to have some comfort level - peripheral skills for whatever comes along...
+++++
 Wed Oct 17,18 nm 10:16am
 Stauder's called, car ready, phone does not have VM set up - do that - $80
 Call LMI, about passwords and if signal is working at all - not sure it is
 Work on resume
 Look at EDD site, explore
 Tues spent tons of time online, looking at e.g., James Bond sexy girls - um, okay, but yeah - not too much of that! There's good fun stuff to do while alive. Enjoy! Walking! Biking!
 Nice call w/Sooz - always good to talk, she said she's impressed with how I'm dealing, classes, Community Garden, UI, COBRA, Senior Center/register/volunteer, resume, being open to learning new skills (business excel) that are not a perfect fit - forward thinking for next few years and beyond - 20yrs at Bain, maybe I absorbed a discipline lesson, learned that doing right/necessary things is better than procrastinating, etc... life will be easier if I do right thing - it will show to those who meet me, what sort of person I am.. and to myself.. in theory, if things are going well, I'm doing something right..
 Meantime, slept in till almost 9, smoothie - beautiful morning! Cool and sunny - now, home for pbj, walk to Rockridge to pick up Siouxie II.
 Tues, drop of Camry ~1, walk home, Chinese curry chicken takeout - (delicious but not much chicken!), no phone anywhere - in car? Bike back up - yep, front seat under hat. Biking was fun and easy, thinking about sexy Big Shot Susan D on Claremont, playful touching, early 90s, touching under clothes, "I can't believe you're groping me" but not stopping me - I was doing small amounts of 'up', exploring 'confidence' it gave me - but is it confidence if it comes from a drug, focused on product/ winning/ selfishness, getting what you want end-of-story? It was a good experience. I learned what it's like, advantages/disadvantages of being an asshole.
 Got turned on thinking about her, picture she gave me, but more so ones she did not show me.
 Okay. Pee. Home. Should be a nice morning walk to Stauder's.
 Also found set this shot came from - the kinda cool erotic voyeur pic

+++++
 Tue Oct 16.18 nm
 Natural to feel doomed, despair, u happy, in denial about again.. after all, we all do - and I was pretty well-employed till 64~, this was sudden, but I did see it coming..
 We all have to deal - maybe working, utilizing @ Senior Center, hanging w/other seniors will help. No point in glooming over the past, more than necessary.
 Watched Gore Vidal/Buckley movie, 'Now listen, you queer, stop calling me a crypto-Nazi, or I'll nail you in the goddamn face and you'll stay plastered.', plus 68 politics - and hw it's become all voyeuristic arguing.
 Ah another Buckley quote dad used: "I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." and in the film, about "Two party system." being why he is a conservative - ahh, so much of Buckley in Dad.
 Buff/DJ on NO till Sat? Dropping car at Stauder's after class.
 At 64 I'm supposed to be down sad glum tired no-nonsense illusion-free serious survival-focused owner of grief. Get used to it, and enjoy good times.
 Look for jobs on EDD site.
 ---
 Stressed and irritated in class this morning - after drop Camry at Stauder's to check stuck window - free now at College Peet's, free tomorrow - conundrum - haha - I can work & have $$ but no time vs. no work & time but no money - I spent $$ on things I like, hotels, ocean, friends, god-daughter, food, sushi - yes, well-spent - Blues weekends with Eric are priceless memories for us both - feast or famine - Sooz in OR, K in UK - it's up to me to take care of myself as much as humanly possible. When going gets tough, tough get going. Do my best - things will turn out alright.
 Worrying about 5-10-20yrs from now has no value. Take care of today, this month, maybe year - 5mos till Medicare.. 1.5yrs till 'full' retirement, whatever that is. Best to find out before too long.
 1977/2018

+++++
 Mon Oct 15.18 nm
 Priority is résumé and getting info straight on UI - call or visit office today - I don't know what or when anything will appear, nor how to make it arrive every week..
 Car insurance.. ~$1100, park bench for M&P is ~$300 - should I just go ahead and do it while I can? Okay - got an address nr school/Bonita - go there after class.
 Write WLT about severance - when?
 Sun lv ~8:30, Shell Beach, down coast ~1/2 mile, sit meditate a bit - nice - in good head space - present - aware of 'what-if' future tripping. Down to ocean, nice, all the way down to bend, high-tide, knew I'd get splashed, braced so as not to slip on wet rocks. A little wet, no prob. At Tomales, hit of Gil's pot - mild sensation - meh - kind of nice, but how much psychological/memory? Beautiful drive/day. Stop Nicasio, but keep books because sell at Moe's, Chat w/Mike. Skim bookshelf Romance porn - geez!
 Groceries from Bowl, splashed clothes in laundry. Easy relaxed healing life. Same worries and care as always.
 Oh, and..
 This is softball - divorce, addiction, DUI was softball.
 As one ages, death of parents, siblings, friends, job loss become common - still softball. Normal life pain.
 The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
 Dying of bone cancer is hardball.
 My current challenges - I can do something about them.
 -----
 Good Excel class, drove past Milvia unemployment address but it's closed and sent me back to OneStop in BSA - Milvia was past North Berkeley Senior Center, I wondered if 64 counts as senior.. dude! Still not feeling it - they have housing support, for fixed income peeps, free meals for past 63.. $3 donation for anyone.. talked to young guy at counter, registered, volunteered - this fits with community garden.. doing right thing.. networking support.. there's another Sr. Center a few blocks from me.. tax support? Social Security, etc?
 At home, Tom gets on roof and seals skylight - we decided not worth spending $$ on ceiling if it doesn't bother me (it doesn't - it would ne 'nice' but not necessary). I happened to have cash to pay for sealant. Talk about Rancho Nicasio - visit someday, he anxious to see it - some Sunday. Good chat about music and such.
 Bank $300, $120 in quarters. Open EDD mail at PEETS, Mail: UI card $400 - seems to arrive late. Scheduled appt at office Oct 31 - cool - $1600/mo for 6+ months.. enough for rent, COBRA, phone/wifi ($570+$600+$160 = ~1,330) - gas etc - food out of pocket. Really? Job at 65? Maybe. Weirder things have happened. Maybe a non-profit. Could be. That plus $10K from WLT should cover a lot of next 6mos.
 I keep thinking about Slatter's court. hmm. But.. Berkeley is my home...
 Glad UI has arrived - was stressing..
 ..call Shirley someday, just to say hi. I'll regret if I don't, and be glad if I do.
 I miss Mom.
+++++
 Sun Oct 14.18 nm
 Slept okay, alarm @7, shower/smoothie, pack pbj/burrito bowl, salad/bowl/utensils.. took 1.5v.. laptop, phone.. River loop.. this is my weekend, my day off, to play - it is allowed, yes. Mon call/visit EDD about payment schedule etc.
 Nia is a source of info, like the YMCA class calendars - cool! Also support for what kind of jobs I might look for/focus resume toward. Use that info. It is high value.
 Posting photoshopped pics to fb Pulp Covers meme page - some fun.
 Settling in for the long haul.
 What Darcy said about arrogance, not respecting - I think she was onto something, after 20yrs, at my age, I expect my opinions to be heard out, respected.. idea that someone comes, tells me what end is up, I stand silently, listen then get to work - well, is it any harder now than when I was an arrogant youth? Work is a drag, no one loves a boss. Nothing new.
 ---
 Gville
 Everything in the moment - everyone alone within themselves - past and future meet here - we cling to another/others, paychecks, distractions, future events to look forward to - but we are alone here now - with ourselves - or with God however we see him/her - big daddy, hairy thunderer, cosmic muffin.. with God we are never alone.. meantime, we are... God never changes or dies... see? What we are looking for, when Friends die, Mother dies, job disappears - we are alone and need a crutch, consistent, endless, with a cool theology/story to study and from which  to learn life lessons.
 pow.
 Easy drive to Gville coffee shop, V working, misty overcast, heavy thoughts - grown-up thoughts.. I saw poster for Blues fest and feel emptiness of Music fest event - as eric says, it is more about our friendship. Celebration of our shared time. Check.
 Positive inspirational stuff - sure.
 
+++++
 Sat Oct 13.18 hm 9:45pm
 Haha - that pile of papers isn't going to sort itself! Seems neither am I! haha
 Some yard work - artistically pruning ugly neighbors sidewalk tree stump hedge - paid cell phone, and 1st COBRA month. Library return, snag 3 cool videos - Mariachi band in front of library.
 Harvest fest north Berk, fun! Zydeco, no beer, brought pbj & apple - danced a bit to them and R&B covers band.. 'tween sets walked down bike path I used to use it - when? From Albany to NBerk BART?? Community gardens near Hopkins & Peralta - chatted with coordinator, signed to volunteer, get on waiting list for future. Wow. Forward thinking.
 $575 out for COBRA, $450 in from UI.
 Pizza & gelato downtown. Bowl for groceries/Sonoma coast loop tomorrow. Enjoy this life. Live simply. Don't worry nor fear. Be real.
 Fun IMs with Karen/Vic from fest - piglets, kids, bunnies at fest..  bring pot tomorrow? A little?
 Look at job descriptions Nia sent me. Somehow hit resume hard - in terms of what jobs are out there.
 Mon afternoon: Talk to EDD about how payments work, how to work school to lengthen UI payments, and how to best utilize job resources.
 LinkedIn class Thur afternoon.
 ---
 Did paper pile - ~5piles: instructions of various sorts for file box (rice cooker, phone), job-hunting stuff, EDD stuff, healthcare-related referrals mostly, address lists for file box (after culling!), class handouts in carry bag, odd and ends.. threw away a good chunk - have to DO healthcare to clear out referrals, cull addresses, and contact EDD office with UI / School questions - pile will go down as things get done (and filed away).
 Up ~7, shower, make food, Nomad, head out ~8:30? Bringing small amount of last of Gil's weed & V. Because - it's my new life. Don't go crazy. Be responsible. Enjoy.
 Losing Mom suddenly, best friend after long bout with bone cancer, and losing long-term job after rough last year.. I'm a bit battered and bruised.. this break could wind up with me refreshed, healed, ready for next phase of life.
+++++
 Sat Oct 13.18 nm
 Yet I am happy - deserve happiness - everyone adjusts to circumstances, are about as happy as they decide to be, everyone has disappointments etc - mine are not extreme, out-of-ordinary - we need tactics, that adjust through phases of life - etc. I'm okay. I'm okay. Idea that there are groups of people out there who know secret, trick to happiness is an illusion. I'm okay. If I want more social life, join a church or something, volunteer. Classes help.
 Thu almost took a spill - sitting in front house couch reading, out front door, right leg a bit weak/numb from being crossed, almost lost it going down concrete stairs - might have been partially wearing reading glasses throw off distance to step. Be careful, I am not as agile as I used to be - weakness in right leg and glasses could add up to breakage.
 The notion that I should be job-hunting full-time, that there's a path I should follow, is making me unhappy and stressed - do all I can, organize my responsibilities, work on resume/put it up on LinkedIn, work w/Nia at OneStope, get in touch w/EDD office, Peralta schools - for now, slowly developing a plan / taking classes is good start -
 I should not feel guilty about accepting UI - there is not equivalent job for me out there, and taking classes to build MS Office/InDesign is essential - to my mental health, job-viability, etc. Point is - at this point - not to look for unrealistic perfect East Bay full-time $25hr job - unlikely to exist - more like, put myself out there, get the skills, show the good attitude, maybe someone, teacher, classmate, ex-workmate, someone hears of something, hooks me up.
 No guilt. I worked 20yrs, got dislocated through no fault of my own - it is not *my fault* the companies parted ways - I earned the unemployment insurance. It is to help me survive. I am not bullshitting anyone; when I was in my 20s, part of getting UI was lying about job-hunting - so I associate it with that stress/guilt - I'm putting myself out there - no lies. UI while going to school is totally legit. It's the right path, esp at my age. So I can be proud, that I jumped on this - school/OneStop etc - and am aiming for future employment - for a school district? Gov't job? Something. Probably not GFX - but maybe can use those skills peripherally.
 I define myself now as job hunter.
 Less time online. More time self-training.
 I do not meditate at home, sitting Shiva, but throughout the day I breath, relax my body - it's a natural part of my day-to-day living. I don't lift weights, but when I can do yard work which involves stretching squatting, digging, reaching, lifting, etc. More would be good - yes - but enjoy and be validated by what I do.
 Classes, yard work, cottage care, taking care of health via healthy food/ Cobra/ dental work/ Tilden walks, park explorations, expenses by keeping on top of unemployment benefits/ not eating out/ being cognizant of all expenses (Internet/phone/auto insurance), getting good sleep/ keeping healthy outlook, avoiding unnecessary non-value fear.
 Live life. It is the same life - expenses, food, daily self-care. We all have ups-and-downs, with or without job.
 Throwing money around was a fun activity - after years of leaning on others - friends, women, parents, in-laws - maybe I had need to give back. Karma.
 Friends. Pay attention to them. They have problems, too. Care for them. Put my problems in a box, take care of them, but don't make them my whole life.
 Today enjoy, Harvest fest in afternoon, Tilden(?), org papers I did not org yesterday, make to-do list and stick to it. Sun do River Road loop.
+++++
 Fri Oct 12.18 nm
 Defrosted fridge, clipped nails at school parking lot, big laundry, return library videos - hanging in yard with clothes on lines - neighborhood cat loving caged catnip - lovely weather! Excel's tough, but you don't get good overnight - stick with it - online classes, youtube videos - read Buff's Civil War history a bit - leftover burrito bowl lunch -
 Break from internet/phone - keep busy.
+++++
 Fri Oct 12.18 nm
 Slept okay - 10:30-7..then doze, managed some sad crying sobs while making breakfast/lunch - about losing job - I keep things in - this is sad and I need to feel my grief and pain about it to move forward and be human..
 Bowl last night for food food food...
 Got email responses from COBRA people and UI; questions about both:
 How to pay for COBRA, how often, how will I know - they sent 6-7 long pages- gah!
 UI is confusing -1 check on way - then nothing for next week? It's no every week? Huh? They say it's a one-year period, but only 6mos worth of weeks - check on way, but nothing then for another week - I need to go down there and talk to someone. Still, feels goof to have $450 on the way - food, wiki, phone etc.
 This afternoon - defrost fridge, laundry, tidy papers, clip fingernails, work in desk calendar, junk at end of bed can be better orgainzed.
 Resume, look at office jobs Nia sent - office manager, boring, repetitive, busy, soul-killing job.. but! New skills, and a job.. hmp..
 I am product of Capitalist Working Class.. for most part Dad's family were factory workers, Mom's were architect, teacher, pilot - drunks, depressed, smokers, financially ruined by Great Depression, Dad lost older brother in WWII, Mom lost brother to alcoholism.. yikes! Family - yuck! Lots of pain. Pain of isolating, anger, resentment, rejection..
 People are a big pain. Hell is other people. So - religion? I keep coming back to that to fill some hole.
 Class in 30.. then free afternoon and org thoughts, life, cottage...
 See if I can fix toilet handle that feels loose.
 Appt next Tues after class to drop Car at Stauder's to look at sticky window.
 For my own sake, health and happiness - being good with family would be good - look at happiness goodness with Mom & Dad created - how good and right it feels to make contact with Tom.. try with Mary again.. she knows she is difficult.. it's going to happen anyway. Engage.
+++++
 Thu Oct 11.18 cafe across from BAS - outdoors, lovely day, cheeping birds, funky brick fountain, espresso & smoothie
 I lucked out during 2008 crash - kept job, even got cost-of-living increases.. looked at bank accounts this morning, still at least 50-60.. so I'm okay for now. No need to panic.
 Nia mentioned office head/organizer - maybe I could, maybe that would be fun - a challenge - another thing I doubt I can do, so to do it is good - looked through BAS course catalogue at Business math, accounting Excel, typing classes - yes. A direction - classes that could actually lead to job... InDesign/Office all good, too - but peripheral to 'career'.. wow - feels good to have potential direction..
 Email WLT about severance, and call EDD to see if my stuff is on order.. Nia said checks can be late,, but.. hmp. and I filled in website page 2 days late.. thanks god for savings.. I can still do one more year of WEF & Jazz Blues at this point. Is it unwise? Foolish? Yes.
 Thinking too far into future? Something to look forward to - friends, live music in river valley - thinking to contact Ferngrove, see if they'll negotiate costs down to $1K for 3 nights. Then all that's left is (4) $60 tickets.. unless there's someone we want to be close for on Blues day. Taj Majal Trio this Sat at UC Theater - but staying up/our late a no-go these days.. is it?
 Okay - now - less time online - had salad dinner last night, slept well - good InDesign class - !2pm.. Buff/DJ in NO.
 Now what? Nov-Dec classes - then Jan-May (?) classes. School. So long as cottage is stable I should be fine. Business classes. WTF? :-)
 I've contemplated some sort of metal frame for files beneath book shelves - rejected as crowding, but I think to keep things organized, info handy, keep up with payments to COBRA, updated to UI/ED, etc, needs to be done. Desk calendar by bed. Yes. I did that at work! Now need to do it at home. Yes. Today.
+++++
 Wed Oct 10.18 hm 4pm
 After Nia mtg, talked to Peralta Junior College guy for 30mins - maybe start classes in Jan - Dec will be down time.. hmm..
 Downtown Vietnamese beef Pho & Thai iced tea.
 There are no jobs for what I do except for entry level.. Nia saying shoot for something higher.. I am doubtful, but who knows? Maybe everyone is doubtful and has to be trained, etc. Mid-level admin - first to go in a recession, but still  good job to know.. hmp.. why not? Believe in myself. I could do that. Not having a natural inclination to do that does not mean I can't do that.
 Went online for EDD, re-registered for UI - may try to call someone - , also online registered for COBRA, but not clear how I'll pay - looks likes ~$590 (with no dental nor vision).. ~$3K till Medicare. Whole new ballgame. Have not looked at Social Security page for amount yet. Sigh.
 I'm a mess. I was a mess anyway - but without routine of job, with piles of disorganized paperwork - well, it's early, as Nia keeps saying - this is just the beginning - I have time - keep moving, keep taking action. I think there's a event tomorrow early afternoon at YMCA. Look into it. Keep putting myself out there.
 Showed Nia Frida w/gun - she's never heard of Frida. No harm.
 School would be full-time. Serious frugality.
 These are easy days.. beautiful late summer, early fall..  soon comes rain & cold... prepare.
+++++
 Wed Oct 10.18 nm
 If no word from EDD today re UI, then call. Ask about UI while in school - how to do.
 Mail in COBRA papers.
 Buff DJ lv for NO tomorrow.
 Meet Nia @1-Stop in ~1hr - have not done much, except school, plans to attend modules for LinkedIn etc - go to Oakland employment office - see what they have to offer.
 Sept was a wash, relaxing, healing - but my mind and energy is not what it was - 64, I am slowing down. I do not have 10 more working years in me I don't think. Getting off-balance, right knee not fully supporting. God will have to sort this out haha. I'll need a little luck. I need a counselor or therapist.
 Meantime, attend every class, look into every online job site, visit every state job-org, work on resume. Put myself out there, visible, LinkedIn, and see if someone says oh, I know a guy.
 Show Nia Frida with gun?
 CAL jobs site today.
 Slept okay till 3.. then rough, distracted my mind with Beth B, nude on stomach on bed, watching me shoot her friend Rebecca, Beth's one leg bent out at knee, inviting look -sign of 'Touch me'. Repeatedly to that image, "Do you want to be touched?" "Yes." stroke up and down legs, back, ass.. but O this morning with JB in 1st GT house party bathroom anal against the sink turning at last moment into reverse cowgirl in my cottage. Ouuhh, quite nice. Sex as distraction. Okay, yea, but also - TED talks, walking, exercise, working on after-class study.. it's hard - it must be done.
+++++
 Tues Oct 9.18 nm 3pm
 Fun drive/Eric, falafel brunch in Sebastopol - then drive around backroads, stop in Forestville, other town/shops - Guerneville coffee/bookstore/flea mkt.. cool deco place on way back.. strawberries from roadside stand - was feeling weak, weird, woozy, physically dizzy.. wtf? Dropped off steam punk shelves - he was intrigued/excited  - we examined closely - 1 beer - today we looked online, couple friends joined in - turns out to be camel seats!! Fun sleuthing. Easy-peasy evening.. reheated burrito bowl w/eggs dinner.. yum!
 InDesign this morning - chat w/teacher after - show her Frida w/gun - we are friends now.. looking at stuff from Nia now - tomorrow be honest, focus is difficult - I will be in more - on Wed and after classes.. I'm not superman.. I'm here because I need support and every bit of networking I can get - dress nice - be on time - be friendly and professional - be open - follow my bliss - enjoy life - there's always stress - this is not that much different - it's not as bad as Mom and Gil dying.. beautiful weather, day with Eric - mood generally good - future grim, but then it was never golden - work work work that's all.. enjoy what you can :-)
 Follow my bliss, but don't quit my day job. Market Frida. Somehow. Every way.
 This is 64. Healthy. Happy, with friends, and not a bad person - in fact, I am a good person.
 "They raised us to be good people. It took a while, but we got there."
 I need more eggs - get eggs. Defrost fridge. Yard really today - a bit of Cincinnati-style.
 ---
 Okay - went over all the things Nia sent - made notes about which events/trainings to attend, made another attempt at resume, but uncertain how to state what I did - which required fast-paced multi-tasking in-taking jobs from around world, coordinating with IT, HR, Recruiting, etc for both training and GFX-relayed work - it was good, but on the other hand, it is just normal office work (I think), so how to phrase/it/sell myself without over-stating
 Make a bullet list of all I did
 Then org by category
 Then make into a few paragraphs, and a few bullets.
 Maybe not to show how valuable my skills are, but what Kind of worker I am. I had many irons in many fires - did outreach to find where I had value, then engaged - what do you need? I can help with that.
 ---
 Lifestyle changes:
 TED talks to introduce me to new ideas
 Training support from YMCA & EDD etc to get in flow
 Hours at OneStop as office to stay organized
 Printer might be good, are lists so important, printed info? Worth $$ and lost cottage space?
 Nia/OneStop can point me in good direction, but I need to take action.

+++++
 Mon Oct 8.18 nm
 9:30 - leaving for SR shortly - bringing steampunk shelves - also, food
 Jude pushed back meeting to see 80s pool photos she & Lynn took till Nov 10. She is doing me a favor. All my mental nonsense means nothing. Let go. I want to see photos out of curiosity. Maybe there's hardly any - 5 or 10 - maybe they are non-revealing close-ups - let go of any preconceived notions - it's cool she'd even consider it, why should she? she doesn't even know me. Be grateful. If it doesn't happen it's for me to let go. Sure is taking up lots of mental space for decades!
 A bit stressed this morning, but slept okay - normal future tripping, with out comfort of work routine/busyness/fatigue/paychecks. I'm okay. Weekend are easier to enjoy because mentally still adjusted to Sat/Suns being 'free time'.
 Sun
was beautiful Autumn day - yes! ~5 Starry Plough, 1 IPA, corned beef & cabbage/mashed potatoes - yummy!! And Football. Cool.
 DJ asked about chopping side path overhang - mentioned to Buff, not much hope there - chopped a bunch back - has to all come down because foliage is up at rooftop.. anyway, got it started; also dig up Australian bush stuff from front yard.
 DJ/Buff to NO next Thurs. for 10 days! Laundry :-).
 This is my life now. Please procrastinate less - get things done - I feel better, enjoy life more, less stressed and better sense of what's going on when things are taken care of. No excuse. Do it. The confidence I feel will benefit me in many ways. People will sense it. Understandable - I need not be super man - but do it anyway, just because it's right and will make me happier.
 Paperback cover posted to fb Pulp group - My Ties Are too Nice on way to being most liked post on group. Yay.
+++++
 Sun Oct 7.18 nm
 ooouuugghhh.. so nice.. a few chores today (email WL about severance, sign/mail COBRA papers), but easy - hour on resume would do (Nia did say don't stress trying to make it perfect)..
 Bed ~10, up for an hour ~3, sleep in till <9.. beautiful autumn morning, sunny, windy, leaves falling, birds cheeping, fragrance of dried leaves on cool breeze..
 This is my life now.. my life now is going to school and preparing to job hunt - it's okay to enjoy this relaxing free time.. just.. sitting.. not trying to fill ever hour and pretend bi-weekly paycheck fulfill all my needs...sure, why not? Mostly my change of mental outlook - further I go, more difficult it may be to get back into work mentality - assuming I get a job ever again.. meantime, this is now... I have no choice, I am here now no matter what I think..
 Bowl last night for burrito in bowl, fruit, salads etc.. slept well..
 Tentative visit some weekend this month to see J's '79 pics from Davis pool.. weird situation.. but once there it'll be cool - don't bring my neurosis and weird nostalgic trying to recapture sexual intensity into it - keep an distance, just 2 photographers looking at photos - some of my sexual intensity around L slops into J.. but once we actually meet it'll be easier I suspect.. be cool, be myself, be honest, it's awkward but I can handle it.. expect nothing.. only do what we have agreed to do, look at photos.. as photographers.. with our photographers' eyes..
 I let sexual scenarios play out this morning, but they did not progress past oral servicing, nothing related to any reality or concern for a person.. more taking advantage of opportunities in a way that would not truly satisfy either of us, in the way that simple human contact can.. let it al play out in my head.. let it happen... my sexual feelings around L, which not not translate into actual sexual attraction past her image/surface - have nothing to do w/J..
 Some IMs w/N around K and the memorial, where ex Scott band members were not invited... awkward!!
 Thought about Dad & class - maybe post-WWII there was more slop - but he was from working class family, worked his way up through shear energy work focus intelligence - he had friends who were doctors, lawyers, artists etc.. from wealthier backgrounds.. he Roman Catholic w/6 kids, never gave up.. never gave up - persistent - sometimes angry - forgive him that.. forgive myself my flaws..
+++++
 Sat Oct 6.18 4:30 Peets downtown
 Photoshop 9-4 - dang - I knew lots, but lots I don't esp about masks. Brought PBJ & falafel balls/hummus/pita - worked fine.
 Practice InDesign, Word, Excel, Photoshop - classes good, if I'm gonna learn need to spend more time at school practice time.
 Who am I? Post-hippie California Marin country wanna be? Marin county sexy sunset hot tubs like in ads and articles - yes - fantasy I still pursue, hiking in Pt Reyes music in Nicasio - tho it is nice! Why not? I'm just a worker. Man's got to dream, comes with territory.
 Sun org, work on resume, what to have on website etc. COBRA & email for info re severance.
 Fri morning - didn't sleep well - from Thur Rockridge espresso? Watch that - groggy Excel class - afternoon nap till ~5, laundry - yes, good to have bed clothes done, been sweaty.. Sesame chicken from Chinese take-out place - meh!
 General stress about "I ought to be doing something!!" not helpful.. notes, lists - maybe I do want a printer to help me org, have info handy - but $100? Hmp.
 Okey-dokey.. I think about pleasure of a woman's body, soft cushiony moist pussy slope of strong back, feet but without a relationship - eh! Sigh.
+++++
 Fri Oct 5.18 nm
 Thu sit around - not getting anything done - resting - lazing - nice; salad, ~3 Temescal recreation area up Broadway to 24 - hidden! walked around lake - up rock stairs to old waterfall - it looked familiar? Stop in Rockridge for espresso, cheese - did not sleep well last night - watch the coffee!
 Found vid/stills of sexy pic *&I liked - shared some. Fun.
 Having talked w/Stacey about Sh stuff (asking for current nudes years ago), pulled up old IMs.. oh, lots of real-time info around suicide! We were all raw - parents talking to parents to principles to friends - info being shared.. I'd forgotten a lot.. some was comforting.. G&K wanting me to be nice to K. Reading about me & JB, vs. Scott, etc.. that was 1983! 35yrs ago. It was traumatic, because those 2 were all I had - I was living in my car! - , so losing them both was a disaster, trying to pretend I was cool about them having a thing was emotionally damaging. Good to be over it. Let the bruise fade. Do not nurse it. Let go.
 Reheat Stacey beef stew, put on ramen, eat in back yard w/Buff. Talk noir, light, trees, baseball, etc.
 Maybe stay at BAS, work more on resume. Check UI again - when to expect first card? Did I misunderstand something? Where is severance check?
 I'm enjoying this downtime. I recognize this side of me - I'm okay with doing nothing, except for tension about feeling I ought to be doing something.
 Shower and work dress this morning - new Ross trousers after class? Dress for success.
+++++
 Thu Oct 4.18 nm
 Teacher out sick, so no InDesign today. Day off! I'll take it. Slept in till8 - lots of dreaming but not remembering any.
 Guilt about not working - losing one's job one is confronted with how we are defined by society's norms and expectations - who are we, without work? Who am I? Filling time, visiting parks.. fun yes.
 Wed thinking Tilden, then head up Ashby to overlook Shelley & I used to visit - sunsets? Pot? That was a long time ago.. 1985 fuck.. 30+yrs ago - youth. Kept going to see about Lake Anza - easy to find, past carousel turnoff - overcast but nice - PBJ/apple - small beach, cool, almost no one - walk around lake parameter - rocky, sometimes steep, one lizard and one heron.. remembered I'd been wanting to sit by a lake, in Oregon, for years.. get a low chair, and sit by this lake.. yes..
 Home, Starry Plough for A's wildcard game, burger/fries/1 IPA_
 Today could look for work trousers at Ross, visit Lake Temescal - look over resumes Nia sent me - more info on EDD place, is it worth visiting? Yes, visit - keep active - it's okay to chill and vacation - enjoy this free time, do things I otherwise can't do when working to avoid regrets -
 Stay late at WIAO after Excel class tomorrow., work on resume, look through EDD webpage. Today - enjoy chill time. Taste of what it's like not to work. Is self-employment an option? What could I do?
 Work is indeed how we define ourselves - I also have 80s GT/rock, which got attention for my photography, also viral Fridas.. nice experience - grateful - do I need to define myself? Have I had enough? Is it time to join a church of some sort to bring some light and good into this evil old earth and let go of my ego?
 Let go.
 Spending time looking at old comic books, old movies, old video games - look into new stuff, too...
 Be here now. Get a job. Not to define myself, but because I need to eat.
 Front and center, in front of kick drum, June 2018 Gville Blues - man, that was fine.

+++++
 Wed Oct 3.18 nm
Tues after class, sat in WIAO office, organized papers, read mail from EDD/COBRA - good to get organized! - typed up bullet list of ToDos and printed, as well as notes, 5-6 bullets for resume - actions I took solo and as part of team, under pressure, to get client what they needed etc. Not sure, but looks like EDD is already approved (?), only good for 6 months - looked like COBRA is <$600/mo? Don't assume - but both would be good.
 After, drove around north Berkeley, sat in Live Oak park watched young men toss frisbee, visited LOP building - mostly for kids - stroll under street to visit Berkeley Arts building - closed, then Berkeley Cheese Board, 2 slices of pizza, gelato across street. Stop at office supply, folders some in expensive packs, printers large and ink expensive. Do I need a $200 wireless printer/scanner?
 Something has changed.. ? Mental/physical shift.. tipping point..?
 Ready to job hunt.. feeling like there is something out there... classes helping, not just place-holders - Excel immediately moved into 'basic' stuff I sort of know.. InDesign moving into more complex, multi-master things.. yes, yikes! Time to invest time in practice..
 K says come visit, but then we both say not a good time to spend $$ - if not now when? Short visit to King's Lynn - wasted, constipated, in strange place, jet-lagged, pressured to be social - ugh!.. sorry, but true.. it's not a vacation, it's an ordeal.. in end K sort of admitted my visiting may not work..
 This free unemployed time beginning to feel like end of necessary vacation - rested.. lots of dreaming! Last night traveling, suitcase, people socializing then are gone - I kill someone with automatic weapon, tell people in room not to say it was me - since when do I dream of murdering anonymous people?
 Anyway - slept in till ~9, bit of yard chipping, easy-going overcast clean-air morning.. IM'ing @Nomad.. home now for food, then shower trouser hunt at Goodwill.. start dressing for class like I'd dress for work..
 Sat Photoshop class all day
 Mon off, visit Eric, drop off steampunk shelves
 Wed visit EDD place early, take # - make appt? - check out what they have to offer - phone call 1st?
 Today - maybe get in a hike. Today is my 'day off' - so maybe trouser hunt Th-Fri afternoon.
 UBER card in drawer - mostly using bank card.. $400+ on Visa, which I just paid.
+++++
 “On behalf of Amy, I’d like to thank the devil and all the dark lords who gave her this award and allowed her to feast on the flesh of the innocent.”
+++++
 Mon Oct 1.18 nm 4:11pm
 Sluggish, barely motivated - class was good - beginning Excel and quickly running into valuable info I did not know! Cool - need to practice -
 Was thinking about lies - my history of lies, esp after talking to Stacey about asking S for nudes, and story I'd built around it - not entirely made-up, but not accurate either - a lie I'd told myself; related then to lying about early attraction to * in ** - again, not a lie, but not taking full responsibility for my actions, as if her appeal and offer made it her fault - I wanted it, and said yes; back to 70s saying I knew illustrator Brad Holland (lie), and in Davis that I "knew Steve Wynn" - no - being in same room, knowing people who knew him does not count as me knowing him. I built myself up because my ego was fragile. I knew gossip, meaning I knew people who knew people the gossip was about - but did not really know them. well, I knew Scott & Donnie a little - still - it was what is was - I'm human - people pad their resumes at all levels.
  - okay - class - new bulbs for ceiling fixture - gonna rain tonight - paid rent - watched Duke Nuke'em walk throughs - which I enjoy!
 Now read COBRA thing, and see how to make appt at EDD place - maybe Wednesday?
 Posted nice birthday pic of Mark/Shelley/John Henry & Marge w/cake - wasn't sure if it was okay - looked up how to refer to him - ex-father-in-law seemed harsh (?), I said 'former, but still dear'. Perfect. Shelley thanks me for posting, and several relatives 'liked' commented. I did a good thing.
+++++
 Mon Oct 1.18 nm
 Boy, kind of a mess over Davis/LaFreniere visit - I think, readjustment, reassessment - just - a feeling of loss comes with the gain... nothing has changed, except my letting go of illusions fear and resentments - so it's good - but it's also shining a light on my own humanity - give it a day or two to forgive myself.. and yeah, lifestyle differences.. drugs and conspiracy theories..
 Feeling loss of family, in-laws, might-have-beens.. security..
 Anyway, Sun nice day, would have been nice to be in nature, but physically, mentally needed to sit still, heal adjustments.. letting go meant letting go of resentments that were actually attachments, you see - like E & K - so no attachments at all to S.. better late than never.. glad to be rid of them.. heavy..
 Stress/worry about unemployment, having trouble focusing on UI & COBRA - bringing it to that support lady today.. need to explain job hunt/see about full-time school - how does that work - COBRA - need to focus.. maybe visit UI office in Oakland if necessary.. find out how to work school/UI thing.. essential - job retraining..
 Weather nice - bought strawberries/raspberries etc food! Starvation diet freaks me out.
 Last night hours of Duke Nuk'em vids.. hmm..
 Life is good. I'm in an emotional state about LaFreniere visit. Last birthday, 80th - 2008, after I left, went to Davis cemetery, fell to knees: loss of family/ network/ familiar faces/ emotional/financial support hit hard..
 Okay - so this is life - it is hard, ups and downs, pleasure and pain.. get used to it, face it, keep moving and do the best I can.
 Next step I see is spending more time practicing skills I'm learning at Adult School - stay late/work in InDesign etc.
 How to job hunt w/conflict of needing school/training? Conflict causing stress - figure it out. Call EDD - ask advise. Visit Oakland center.
 Buy new day-to-day pants - mine have holes in ass.
+++++
 Sun Sep 30.18 nm
 Sat John Henry's 90th in Davis
 Nomad, yard - uncover paving stones in front
 Shower, salad, black slacks (not threadbare grubbies, in honor of John), Mexican shirt/sandals. Bring sushi laptop etc.
 Leave ~12:30 for 1pm party - drive pretty easy, nice day, sunny, tapes: GT board tapes, LN, IBC.. eventually took it out, too much GT-era nostalgia for one day! Downtown Davis PEETs, Internet to prepare.. gently brace myself.. arrive ~3.. step in hat/sunglasses - lots of people already there - cousin Jeff! old & gray.. me, too.. last time up there was for John's 80th? Hello here & there - hello Shelley quick hug.. we now have shared Gil loss.. various groups, carrying dogs around.. John & bro Elliot really glad to see me.. cake, small splashes of beer & wine, enough to get loose but not at all intoxicated that I could tell..
 Chris rambled about property, invited me out, near end Shelley invited.. I said I'd like to.. I do want to.. be free of all old resentments, shame, fear.. invitation/acceptance important, equally important that there is follow-up action.. looking back now, I see I was not feeling any old stuff while there, just natural uncertainty - I am ex-husband.. but focus was honoring John Henry, so role as past son-in-law prioritized.
 Good day, in every way.. sat around fire pit at night, Jeff/Chris/Mark sharing conspiracy theories.. I kidded a little, but tried to respond respectfully, without challenging or patronizing, sat near John & Elliot - it was important to be present/near. Emotional good-bye for both of us. Reminded us of long days together.
 Sadness for what once was - nostalgia? Some of that sure - missing a person who was once part of your life - but there's also a thing about John, who was always there for me - as was Marge. Once family, always family?
 Uncertain about this - but Gil would have liked, I would have liked, if things were better between Donnette & I, and Shelley & I - missed that (it would have been more fun for me to be part of Shelley/Donnette/Gil friendship) - I think it would please Marge & John if Shelley & I got along better, so would like to have that cleared out, maybe for my own sake, so that irritation is not part of my relationship with them.
 Lv ~8, stop at freeway entrance for gas, chicken wrap, pretzels - energy good - drive home easy.. after restlessness, slept in till almost 10..
 Thus hang w/Stacey, I walked back story that request from S for nudes was no big deal, unexpected over-reaction on her part.. there was sexual tension on my part, and also I was tired of her, so asking rudely, almost a demand, rather than a delicately sensitively parsed request - was my way of ending it - have not missed it, so yeah. At least I'm self-aware enough to admit it.
 COBRA, resume, job-hunt EDD stuff can wait for tomorrow - yesterday was emotional, in a good way, but big emotions - chill today, let dust settle. Tilden walk/bike sounds good. Water - can I go sit near Lake Anza, near water?
+++++
 Sat Sep 29.18 nm
 Don't need to blog every day if I wake up sad - sadness about lonely youth, sadness today - shouldn't be surprised - that there's melancholy about visiting Davis today, memories, nostalgia, misplaced rose-colored-glasses - Mortality, John Henry's 90th - damn! Got letter from EDD yesterday, need to show job-hunting + total unemployment is low - ~10K? Of course they make it difficult, to force you to look for work, because nobody instinctive wants to work - we want to be free. Okay - so, talk to Nia Mon, get her advise - write letter explaining I am in school/working w/WOIA getting retrained, working on resume. See what happens.
 Slept okay on-and-off, some stress about John's bday - mainly seeing Shelley, revisiting marriage - let it go. It was 20yrs ago. I don't want the stones, and don't really care about photo albums except on principal. well, now and then she posts a cool photo I don't recall, so it would be nice to revisit. Shelley will not change, can't be shamed into caring. So face reality - if I want to make myself unhappy & mentally ill with resentment, that's on me. Take responsibility for my own ass.
 I think I have a solid $50K in savings, weather nice. My body does not hurt, bed comfortable, affordable housing with cool friends I love/get along with, yard, skylight, great location - grateful grateful grateful. Thank you Yes. Yes - every day be grateful.
 Sad this morning, better after smoothie - 10am now - want to get home, clear off overgrowth on front yard paving stones - shower, eat, leave ~noon - party starts ~1, visit town, arrive ~2-3? Bring a present? Something if I can think of something. But presence is most important. Live video to facebook? Be small, be cool, I am not star of show - John Henry is. My proxy parents.
+++++
 Fri Sep 28.18 library 3:34pm
 Hang out/Chinese dinner w/Stacey last night, lots of good chatting.. 2 Sapporo.. slept okay, ~10:30-8.. but I think I should avoid alcohol during this time..
 Morning Word class > sign up for next Sat photoshop seminar > old cassettes in car Depeche Mode/Talking Heads 77 > 99 Ranch for Vietnamese pork lunch, rice cooker/soup packs > Sprouts healthy groceries (Stacey recommended): oatmeal, trail mix, fruit, etc > downtown PO mail sake cups to Parri > library for free wifi, hardware for light switch > pulled kitchen switch/light setting apart, seems to work now!?.. cool...
 Letters from unemployment saying I have to job hunt - will working on resume with Nia and taking classes, resume on facebook and LinkedIn count? If it's delayed, I can maybe start later, and still get it.. not an emergency, don't stress, if necessary call same temp places/ask if there's work? See what Mia says Mon?
 John Henry's 90th bday in Davis tomorrow. Many ducks lined up. More time looking into job market, networking, practicing skills.
 Apply for jobs on EDD site - why not?
 And relaxing.. enjoy relaxation, eating healthy, being wise/frugal, as I enjoyed routine of working.
 I am getting things done - feels good. Not sure I'm any more 'unhappy' than ever, than anyone else. Spending is a gamble. If I die in 6 months, I'll be glad I had fun.
 1991 Oakland Jenni

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 Thu Sep 27.18 nm
 Boxed up Parri's sake cups
 Straight home from class - no Peets snacks, drinks, $3 parking meter - water yard - yay! -
 Go through lotta paper, pull out file cab and plastic box from beneath bed - organize papers (daises etc), through shit out (Alice CWD prints, sister/brother hentai), more to do but a good start - over-flowing file folders from file cab (letters from home) into beneath bed box - getting organized. Leftover Bowl burrito bowl snack lunch, hang with Stacey tonight - Chinese? Sapporo? Tom didn't make it over for skylight -no prob - I mentioned kitchen light in response.
 Emails from WL re COBRA, from Nia re job-hunting modules + sample resumes.
 Sign up for Photohsop 6hr Sat 2 weekends from now $40. Yes. Keep taking classes. It builds my confidence and skills.
 Calculated after-tax unemployment insurance - it should cover rent, some electronics/food. Felt a little better to see I'll have some $$ coming in. If it's really $1,600/mo, that's rent plus $250/week. I need to do food for $100/wk if possible. Ramen with tuna/eggs/noodles/chopped veggies. $14/day? Hmm... maybe.
 Enjoy this time off. There's nothing I should be doing to guaranteeing a job - I'm talking classes and other responsibilities. 
 Keep moving - and keep learning... I could get lucky, someone who wants to do a favor for an old man who willing and able to work.
+++++
 Thu Sep 27.18 nm
 Time - give myself time.. I am still decompressing from 20yrs at B*** and adjusting to new quieter life. Will it be school full-time? Staying busy so less time to worry - keeping eye out for jobs of various types?
 Met with WIAO N yest, she thinks even tho I technically live in Oak, she can get me into Berk program - filled in forms, talked about resume - said I had more strengths than I realized, knowing what field am looking into - good ideas for writing resume. I guess if I get in, then we can talk about school while in UE.
 A little disappointed, I expected more - she's going to email me stuff - I need to look into resume etc modules. It is up to me, she is not going to be my job-hunting mommy. I want my mommy. Really appreciating having a home with parents working hard to take care of me/us.
 John Henry/Marge/Mark/Shelley etc Sat.. spend night in Davis - is there a cheap hotel? Checked - $80 east Davis.. nah.. sleep in.. don't drink too much.. drive home... night in Davis might cause painful nostalgia..
 Sipping coffee instead of espresso -
 No more post-morning-class downtown Peets mocha frap & pastry - expensive, sugar-crash.. home to eat and org cottage - also, Tom may be working on skylight today.
 Start keeping track of all food purchases - ?
 Quiet life - meditate, yard work, relax, study, enjoy, stretch, work weights, read.. do Office on laptop.. do creative stuff.. draw.
 New lightbulb for ceiling fixture - ask Tom about kitchen light/electrical.
 Blood work?
 Parri cups.
 Take care of things in a timely fashion - there's always things to do.
 Start to take hands-on control of new life schedule. Some will happen organically. Last night watched music vids instead of youtube - BeauSoliel - meh. Tonight: Son House.
 Word out looking for work. Clothes? Both my grubby pants have holes in back... Goodwill pants.
+++++
 Wed Sep 26.18 nm
 Yes - time is coming - less time here, online, on facebook - more outside, reading, walking, biking, job-hunting, practicing MS Office skills on laptop.
 Sleep in till ~9.. forced myself to stay in bed, a bit of regretful past-tripping, but not too painful -
 - dreamed I was Johnny Rotten but did not know lyrics or John Cale songs we were supposed to cover, apologized, but crowd which was ever-morphing from small, to large, to paying attention while filing out, didn't seem to mind - why was I Johnny Rotten? Eternal angry adolescent rebel? Sure.
 Tentative goal is to survive 1.5years till 66 - 1.5 years from now - then get Social Security/Medicare.. Sooz says maybe $2K? Meantime, unemployment, school part time temp jobs. Might be do-able. So much is out of my hands -
 - just do the best I can, do right, do it with love, enjoy life, get with family.
 Empowering people with training was/is a great feeling - something to consider.
 Trimmed hair.
 Home shower/eat/work on WIOA paperwork. Meeting at 2:45.
 I am not fucked. Life is good. But big transition yes. Loss of status etc. Facing old age.
 Food jobs.
 School / Alameda Flea Market job/ library job (2 yrs)
 Davis Craft Center job (2yrs)
 Photo lab job (13yrs)
 Presentation job (20yrs)
 37years work.. more to come.
 Don't be afraid - unlikely to be as intense as Bain became.
 I worked at B*** for 20yrs; even in last couple stressful years, worked 8hrs every day, lots of well-received training, lots of appreciated support! I retained my Reputation as The Man, MVP, Legendary. Stress was not because I was incapable of doing job, it was because dept lost headcount, supported more offices, in last year everything changed, became hostile. I did not become a bad worker - I was treated differently, it fed my insecurities/worst fears of inadequacy. But no - I rocked it more often than not.
 I can look back with pride, enjoy accolades from last days, and from entire time there:
 Training, attending events/BBLs, headshots/welcome flyers, photography, photo archive, facepages, video editing, themes, networking, face-to-face support including running to desks, tips of week, WebEx's, upgrading training module, adding powerpoint, training non-B*** companies, etc! And stuff I've forgotten. I was a presence - dedicated, engaged, adding value -
 I loved that guy at training - "You're Robert Toren? You're legendary. I've heard so many people mention you!" Cool. Thanks for that, man. :-)
+++++
Tue Sep 25.18 nm 4:47pm
 Need some things to do at home.. well, like today, napped, and felt I needed it.. getting 2nd wind..
 Look into sites that sell my Frida image - copyright it on gov't page, do a GoFundMe page of some sort.. basically beg.. what can I give in return? Take down GT/art photos from web, somehow monetize? Pay a consultant? ask for ideas?
 And: to keep mind alive: TED talks - yes. Movies. And do art every day - don't wait for inspiration - draw or something - music, photos, sing, dance - every day. YouTube videos. Self-training in GFX apps.
While we wait in line:
Count the moments.
Make a difference.
Make the call.
Take time
Let your be gifts known
You make nobody feel like someone.
Make your voice feel
Make the little things big
Make someone smile
Make change
Get a priority
Make love
Do the trick
Make Peace
Make sure you tell your people they're loved
Make sure you have no regrets
Make sure you're ready

After class, pizza / books store.. weary.. look through backup for scanned nudes to play with.. NAP.. feel, like I am tired.. deep inside.. a bit beat down.. need positive reinforcement.. accept it from Karen & Buff etc when it comes.. it's not all about money.. comes in handy! But there's other.
 All-in-all, I suspect I'm pretty normal - normal strengths and weaknesses, 7 deadly sins, etc. So - religion of some sort?
 I want a desk. Might not make any difference - get some files and re-organize file box. And manila folders to carry papers in. Go to office supply store, make print of resume.
 Tomorrow work on app for job-support, meeting ~2:45? Be on time, dressed nice.
 
Cheryl 1979 Davis, CA

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 Tue Sep 25.18 nm
 Daily espresso + tip = $3.25 x 365 = $1,186... so.. hmp.. tea at home? or Tea at Nomad cheaper? Sigh...
 Not spending any $ must be the goal. A good goal. A different non-capitalist way of seeing life. I don't need to spend money to be fulfilled. I knew churning my money back into family, friends and fun was a cover for some other lack of contentment.
 Ramen, eggs & tuna+ diced carrots/veggies. Oatmeal, dried fruit. Banana, milk, eggs smoothies. Soup. Why does it make me want to cry? Because I want Mommy to do it for me. Mommy is dead. I can do it while being sad that it reminds me of sad family sentiments. Be sad. Do it - live -anyway. That's what being an adult - a man - means. Feel my feelings. Feel my own pain, we all have it. All. It's normal.
 Must grow up.
 Saturday is John Henry's birthday - not Sunday, like I thought - PAY ATTENTION. Would have been horrible to miss that!
 Also, L mentioned - don't be that guy at the Nomad, looking at dirty pictures in a location someone might see screen. Creepy. DON'T BE THAT GUY!
+++++
 Mon Sep 24.18 home 7:30pm
 Things falling into place organically -
 After Word class (talk to teacher about book/outside class study), falafel downtown, Peets but didn't get much done; home: call WL HR about COBRA, they say call the company, company says it's up to WLHR to set up my profile with them, I email WL guy to ask if everything is kosher. Nomad to fill in WIOA form, leave some blank - e.g., uncertain about WL address - is it Chicago address on W2? Hope so. But got a start, some I'll fill in @Wed mtg. New Social Security card arrived. Good timing.
 Cottage: pulled out shoe shelf, dusted in/out/art pieces, shoes, behind, wall, vacuumed - dusted upper shelf & art, washed fly specks off glass jellyfish, naked girl, weird Mendocino ceramic (am I done with that?). Seems sophomoric and self-indulgent. Pulled out a few books for giveaway, drop two at take/share up street. Plastic drawers - pull out ~25 cassettes, bring to car for listening - pull out ~40 CDs (boxed/loose/burned) - photo'd and offer to Bradley S - if not, maybe Amoeba & sidewalk. Org a bit - extra wires/electronic below, etc. Better. Good start.
 It's a new day dawning - good to go through stuff and dump what I don't need.
 Downloaded Skype into work laptop - seems to work - hopefully it'll work tomorrow w/Sooz.
 Yard so tidy! I miss sloppiness, but tidy is good I suppose?
 Maybe go through paper pile tomorrow after class.
 Print resume somehow - Nia wants to see it, see about printing tomorrow. Bring it on thumb drive. Doesn't matter that I'm embarrassed by it - everyone is. Normal. Adjustment will happen.
 Buff had box for Parri's sake cups.
+++++
 Mon Sep 24.18 nm
 Nicasio Ruthie Foster show good, damn she can sing, better every year - HowellDevine old-time blues opened, good set, encore, out-of-breath jug player had everyone laughing - perfect weather, no breeze, sun through trees, comfy in shade, sat in grass on aisle, BBQ chicken, 3 margaritas - yeah, over-indulged, last BBQ music party of year - bottled water w/each - did not pee much - dehydrated? Feeling the effects of that 3rd drink - slight grogginess, imperfect thinking - but - okay.
 Today: Call WL about COBRA, fill out WIAO-job-hunt-support application.
 Cottage needs work/organization - shipping box for Parri's cups from FedEx.
 If I as I think I'm headed going to survive on unemployment while in school, I'll be using savings - that's not a good feeling - I could wind up educated, with a job, and no savings. Basically stone broke. So part-time school+work might be the picture. at 65. I dunno - is this realistic? Just the way it is in USA Today?
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Life is to be enjoyed.
 Make room for joy.
 John Henry's birthday next Sunday (?).. Saturday ? check!! Thought about Shelley/stones/photos - she will not change or compromise - if I want to move forward, and let go, it is 100% up to me to make room for that, let Shelley be Shelley, and get over past stuff. It was unfair, but I also don't want to face my own perceived failures - best way forward is to keep it in the present - I don't want or need cemetery stones anyway, and if we are able to get along, I can look at photo albums out at the farm. There.
+++++
 Sun Sep 23.18 nm
 home 1:35
 This morning @Nomad: registered with caljobs & applied for unemployment - which comes in a card? Hope I got it all right  - estimated quarterly gross - WL in Chicago? See how it all washes out - included Nia's info - so then Wed afternoon meet again w/Nia. 1600 (if I get that!? - don't assume - look it up) /month would cover most of rent, Cobra, electronics (570+800+170=1540) - state might kick in for classes/BART ticket? Everything else comes out of savings.
 Still - hopefully I got it all right - and good to have it done. Call WL about COBRA Mon afternoon - then most fundamentals done, I can focus on school, and maybe self-training! Headphones - and hour or 2 /day at Nomad on.. ppt etc. Typing?
 New life - big changes - embrace change - they have a LinkedIn and other workshops - get in all those. I have advantages - college-educated white male with work experience - it behooves me to recognize, appreciate, do my best - no self-pity. Many people have it way worse. Be my best. Be here now.
+++++
 Sun Sep 23.18 nm
 No matter what I write here - it is a moment to check in with myself, search for my truth - even if my 'truth' is stretched melodramatic misguided ignorant - my current state of mind, with a tilt towards trying reality..
 Sat Leaving for Tilden, Buff/DJ headed to F&S music celebrations:
 I thought it was last Sun, then saw it was this Sun, then DJ/Buff said no, today! -now! - Michael Doucet's BeauSoliel at 4p - the fuck is my mind?
 Lovely late summer Tilden stroll: Loop Rd > Wildcat Peak Trail > Viewpoint > Eucalyptus grove > down Laurel Canyon ~3-4 miles+ ; pbj/apple, hot sun cool air, very still > downtown Berk for music, falafel wrap > BeauSoliel played at 2!! It's up to me, no one else, to get this shit straight. He was doing a workshop upstairs; I stood/sat outside door, listened - it was lovely. Glad I did not miss it.
 I missed Accordion fest - with current schedule screwiness, I need to pay extra close attention. Home - nap - Fri pm sleep was sketchy, class/other stuff needs doing for unemployment/COBRA, $$ concerns, naturally I was/am a bit beat/stressed - sleep early - some restlessness/hunger, up for an hour ~2am - snooze till almost 9. Thinking about resume stresses me out - naturally - just print/email Nia what I have.
 Today, pack Parri's sake cups, see about registering at caljobs, org papers on bed.
 Groceries. Do I really need berries?
 See if I can Skype on work laptop, Sooz is getting frustrated - as am I - with losing Tues pm talk connections.
 Ruthie Foster BBQ ~4. $50 drinks and food (food 20, drinks 20, water 4, tips 4 - 48, + gas) - last of year. Enjoy. Life is short, have fun, no value in worrying what $50 today might mean 10 years from now? This is what I tell myself to ward off fears. Enjoy this - cottage, rent, Buff/DJ now - completely - engaged - while it is today. Be here now.
+++++
 Sat Sep 22.18 nm equinox!
 Slept ~10-8:30 minus ~1hr up ~2am. Extra sleep good in general, and also helps during stressful processing of new situation.
 Doing things now keeps mind in present, helps mood be good - when I ponder unknowable future I get panicky afraid dissembling - but here now I am happy and fell good.
 Fri Talked to job counselor after word class - she suggested applying for membership in her organization, staying in school for now, (maybe part-time jobs, but don't look for full-time while in school); if I get into group, make plan (resume, training, interview skills, etc). Because of age and skills being outdated, I am dislocated worker.
 Is it an option to be in school for a year, new career (healthcare), keep working till late 60s - 70s?
 Up next
 Register caljobs.ca.gov
 Apply for WIOA support group Wed 2:15pm
 Apply for EDD after
 Mon call WL for COBRA info
 $7-8 meals from Chinese place are a luxury. Maybe morning coffee is, too? Tea at home would save how much / year? Rice cooker - chopped veggies etc. I can do this, and also have fun doing it!
 Cop just came into Nomad, told owners to keep eye out for van with kids stealing laptops.
 I'm thinking make sandwich - Tilden. Get out and enjoy this beautiful morning.
 Free weekend, BBQ Sunday.
 Enjoying my life. Getting things done. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Fri Sep 21.18 nm
 I'll know I'm ready when I stop my multi-daily check-ins here -
 Thurs - InDesign morning start extra practice time?), weed Bermuda grass by roots, small front house laundry - Mexican shirts, grubby pants, chat w/DJ about sharing cottage repair costs -
 Do more myself, library book on toilet repair, class, youtube
 After no luck online, call Verizon, set up account, get password, etc, pay current bill -
 Pre dentist short nap/shower - ~4 BART SF - reading late Waugh - arrive early, done by 5:15 - nice - two small cavities front top, fill-in/eve- out grooves in bottom front teeth - $180 out of pocket. I like him.
 Chat w/Nia EDD person this morning - call WL COBRA peeps this afternoon.
 Last night on way home, crave Chinese pork wonton soup! Eating light - pbj, humus/falafel/pita - Google - place on corner Shattuck/Alcatraz - walk over, literally hole in wall - soup and curry chicken - yummy soup in backyard as dark wraps around, later scarf 1/2 chicken in bed - oh god yum!! 2nd 1/2 for morning snack at school. Chinese takeout, oh yeah. Lunch specials.
 Sleeping well - ~10:30-7:15 last night - I've been getting by and okay with 7hrs.. but.. does that mean it's ideal, or just enough to function in a daze? Seems 8 or more feels more healthy.
 I like this time off. Enjoy it. Good for me, I've earned it. Keep busy, but also relax and enjoy - last couple years have been rough. Working full time in high pressure hostile environment while Gil & Mom died, and Sooz left town (after her best friend died), etc was not good. A beating. No self pity. But yes healing relaxation if I happen to have it - yes.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
+++++
 Thu Sep 20.18 nm
 Let's try for something that might be interesting more than a week from now
 Grateful for the Nomad - dinner: falafel/pita/hummus from Bowl last night - yummy and filling, no need for pudding.
 Some free time needs to be spent studying software.
 Got COBRA # to call from WL.
 InDesign this morning - SF dentist 5pm.
 Everyone is anxious, stressed - that's why we need religion, meditation, yoga, TV, entertainment. In spite of blows I've taken lately, I am still okay, much to be grateful for - glass half-full, yes. Remove romance, it was always a shield.
 Online sales is not going to be the answer to $$ issues ha-ha.
 Do EDD online this afternoon - on phone if necessary. Is there a brick and mortar location? Did not se it online - but there must be! I'll be okay. I will be okay. All things remaining equal - haha - I'll be okay.
 Sitting at the Nomad, late summer, well-rested and fed - headed to class in my car, from rent-controlled cottage around corner shared with good people, friends/extended family. Healthy. 4 months till Medicare.
 Pay CPA $200 to help with taxes.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 ---
 Peets bk 1pm
 Good class - chatted with unemployment Case Manager Nia - make an appt for next week or tomorrow to discuss all options - training, etc.
 Now - home - small laundry in front house(?) - nap - lv for dentist ~4.
+++++
 Wed Sep 19 II hm 6:30pm
 "Many of those who helped me survive the explosion are people who have been through great difficulties in their lives: addiction, bankruptcy, the loss of dear friends or family, or big mistakes and public humiliation."
 Jian Ghomeshi
 Oh, well - despite the source - it's good to kind be validated that some of what I've been through counts as rough, and healing is necessary. Yet I am going to school and taking care of my own carcass best I know how, trying to keep good attitude and enjoy life.
 Talked to ACA lady and looked at site - my resources too good - not only pay to date, but $6K from FB, and $$ from Mom etc. We figured COBRA is best - Oct-Feb, 5 months $800, $4K - owch - then Medicare. Severance will help with that & rent.
 Using up remaining tooth $$, back tomorrow for fillings/reinforcement, ~$180 out-of-pocket. He said maybe in future we could do same lower rates for 6mos cleaning visit.
 Emailed WL about COBRA - unemployment next.
 Oh - just re-arranged bathroom cabinet and kitchen cupboards: cleared out pot stuff, through away some, distributed other: V & condoms in bathroom, extra soap/floss etc in kitchen, pot stuff in orange ceramic container on top shelf. 70s is over. 2mos no pot.. wonder how it would feel now?
 Next - after dentist, is unemployment and job agencies - what if they offer me jobs, temp, part-time, low pay - do it! show you are willing! Explain importance of school! Have integrity. I will be okay. I can do this. I am doing this. I was freaked out / paralyzed / afraid at first - that's normal! Now I am doing what needs to be done, with a little help from my friends; and no illusion that there's anyone who can save me but myself. Win! It's win time.
+++++
 Wed Sep 19.18 nm
 Tues: Fertilized/turned-over front yard veggie bed, called/emailed DJ-recommended healthcare person Wendy Mc - got some good info about Medicare/ACA, arranged 3pm call today. Drove Tom from Kaiser after colonoscopy - scenic route through hills to his place on steep Marin. Pick-up place was where we moved poor suffering Gil through cold, gusty rain storm to parking garage that bad day - he just wanted to be home. Solano place for burrito, tamarind aqua - yummy! Sooz call ~7pm - I was cranky, so was she - difficult tech stuff - try Skype on work laptop next time? SF dentist @noon.
 Sleep ~10-7, slept well.. gentle wake-up. I may be moving past initial panic that there is something - many things I need to be doing to get new full-time job similar to Bain - but more likely I am making a major life-shift to Social Security 'retirement', Medicare,  part-time contract work - survival. Illusion of regular paycheck removed - here I stand, more naked than before. But no - there, there's not some things I ought to be doing - like taking any crap-paying job in Palo Alto - I have to look clearly at options. This is the new thing. We do not have much control.
 I'm adjusting - after 20years at evolving, interesting, challenging job, that was loose enough for my right-brain creative type, but over last years tightened up and SF team was not a good fit. Sigh. It was good while it lasted - I was very fortunate to have it.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Home to eat, shower, dentist, back for 3pm call. Paperwork, phone bill to pay, more EDD info to collect. After today's HC call, talk to WL peeps about COBRA, if I decided to do ACA instead. Organize papers.
 I don't know when my mind was last this clear - still goofy, and lacking schedule - but stress of last year or two - deaths, overworked burn-out, then new arangemtnest/admin, no dept head then new one
 A lifetime of pleasure enjoying her beautiful ass. Yes, thank you.

+++++
 Tue Sep 18.18 nm
 Mon after class not much juice, weeded/whacked near storage shed - chat w/Buff, who tripped/fell on concrete slab, nearly brained hisself but was wearing bike helmet - that's scary! Just sat w/face in laptop for hours - bed early..
 Get things done - nothing like getting things done to help w/sleep etc. Read Damn Good Resume - work on that - decisions about what to put on LinkedIn.
 Apply online for unemployment. Find unemployment office, see what resources they offer - classes?  Get dates straight - what was last day with WL?
 AARP tax support? Start organizing all that stuff - it will get complicated.
 InDesign class now - then drive Tom home from hospital ~3:30.
 --
 1:16pm
 InDesign beginning stuff - but fun program.
 Gas Suzie in Univ - $50 - assholes, downtown Peets mocha, look at EDD site for info needed to apply for unemployment - no state taxes, looks like feds maybe tale ~10%? Possible extra benefits if school 20hr/week - currently I'm doing 12; pulled stuck tomato /cucumber cages out of front bed, now fertilize and turn over? Head to Kaiser ~3:30, drive Tom home.
 Now: Call ACA lady
 Collect/org info esp for unemployment, addresses etc
 Dentist tomorrow noon
 Matt Piucci at Nomad this morning - neighbor - talked about Gil (birthday yesterday), Stacey etc.
 2hrs to do stuff before Tom ride.
+++++
 Mon Sep 17.18 nm II 2:42pm
 What's really up here? Working on infrastructure / information, multiple trajectories - suddenly - self-learning - how to have healthcare till March when I get Medicare.
 How to survive till March when I claim SS in emergency, but really try to survive till March 2020 when I get full benefits! This all assumes Cottage stays.
 Nothing can be assumed. SO need to prep based on current circumstances, while acknowledging emergencies can happen.
 Multiple trajectories.
 Unemployment + savings + temp work (?) for next 19 months. September 2018-March 2020. Need to be open to all opportunities. And goal is full benefits, which you know will not be enough to live on in expensive Bay Area.
 Survival mode.
 I still, in back of mind, think next job will be like Bain.. it will not. It will pay far less. Being at Bain does not make me high value. $15-20 at most. Deal with it. Acknowledge and accept it. A job is not charity, a gift - it is services for value added.
 So - how do I survive? How does anyone. Hustle. Be easy to work with. Take care of my health. No one will pay my way.
 I am a college-educated white male. No whining. Well,, be easy on myself - some whining is life allowed.
 After Word class, Goodwill for 2 hats - Bowl for food - priced falafel balls, hummus, bread pockets - also tahini, hot sauce. Try it out - wrap falafel pockets for 3-4 days, better than PBJ. Yummy. Also look into DJs video, $2 meals.
 Microwave.
 My head's pretty far up my ass, withdrawn, thinking/sometime overthinking - okay, fair enough, I am giving myself this time - a few weeks - to relax and chill - eventually I need be in Action Mode. But for now, chill time, being used to take classes, keep an eye on what needs to be done, tidy cottage and life in general - long as I'm not idle for too long, this is time I deserve. There is not right action now - no guaranteed success -
  These are real things.. no fucking around. However, an occasional nice bottom is okay.

+++++
 Mon Sep 17.18 nm
 Email to self:
 'get things done - but not rush! relax use this free time to heal all things that need healing
 love yourself as you love others and as they love you'
 Sleep decent - ~9-7:30.
 Maybe no more lists of to-do here - there's list on home screen - dentist, unemployment etc - , whittling away at it - need to build next list, combo of cottage tidy, paperwork org - need some file folders! - + job hunt tactics: resume, govt agencies, networking, art pages, LinkedIn posts,
 Need to split up:
 Job Hunt
 Cottage
 Medicare
 Unemployment
 2018 taxes
 Job hunt seems kind of a mirage - a joke - since no one is going to hire full-time a 64yr-old - but take every step, put myself out there, do it! - show interest / self-confidence - temp agencies, who knows? Someone might know someone who needs someone and I'm on the scene. Be on the scene, that's the point.
 Good.
 Morning Word class, then afternoon cottage. Get folders, clear out file box - I need it to be organized this next year for big life changes.
 Getting out yesterday, into nature, improvising - changing trail idea to a different trail - and leaving BBQ/music decision till I got there was good for me. Music. Nature. Nice.
+++++
 Sun Sep 16.18 hm bed 8:07
 11am 1st stab at papers on side of bed:  Mom $ paperwork, addresses, job layoff stuff, taxes stuff (fb GT photo), Medicare - threw some away, also went through file folders and some away - but a lot should go into plastic bins beneath bed - gotta org.
 Eats 2/3 of mideast salad, make almond butter/jam sandwich, apple, lv ~12? Dunno -
 Nicasio, give Love and Rockets to Mike/counter guy - yard books (winter plants, rejuvenation), Jefferson's Monticello, mystical vampire erotica - Pt Reyes Bear Valley, 1/3 salad in car, want to try something new - Inverness Ridge, trailhead ~8mins out Limantour - beautiful day! Sunny warm with not too bad cool wind - lovely - great to be out, body/mind/soul loved walking in sunshine. Hilly ups and downs, not steep as Wittenberg. Out ~1.5 miles & back? Good workout - felt good mentally - not dwelling on fears/stress - knee working fine on walks, bit tricky coming down steep embankment.
 Stop by Rancho Nicasio - music sounded okay, so - $20 ticket, $20 salmon, 2 $10 margaritas, 2 $2 bottled waters. It was fun - music and vibe was good - Mad Hannans were excellent! - enough people (there was a reserved area for someone's birthday) filled up space; party and little kids playing/dancing added to happy vibe.
 Left a little early - and home easy. Good day. Cool. Back to school tomorrow - start job hunt, other, cottage tidy, apply for unemployment - start now preparing for complex taxes. My income will be less, so maybe pay less taxes? Hopefully. See if AARP can help?
 It's a whole new ballgame.
+++++
 Sun Sep 16.18 nm
 Restless last night, then irritating animals on roof, crabby now.. probably hungry, too - not enough real food yesterday.. old can of chicken noodle soup for dinner.. meh!
 How about shower, some cottage tidy, leave for Reyes or some hike ~noonish? Fresh air exercise would be good for body & soul.
+++++
 Sat Sep 15.18 nm 4:36pm
 Maybe I'll know I'm settled when I stop writing here 3-4x /day.
 Meantime - do what I need to do.
 Meantime I'd rediscovering myself. Jumping right into class, and getting other stuff done - like cottage, yard work, paperwork - is a good sign. Getting away from invalidation at work has been a blessing. That was crazy bad.
+++++
 Sat Sep 15.18 cottage 10am
 Tom dropped by, paid for stall/toilet - discussed more cottage work, skylight sealant, ceiling above bed while Buff/DJ in NO, picked up large ceramic abalone, - now? Bowl & hike? Pt Reyes? A hike would be nice.. hungry..
 I'd like to have cottage tidy.. procrastinating - want to get out more.. so, get out early now.. then cottage.. priority..
 So and yeah, good - good to be in touch with Tom.. yes.. asked him where he lives.. north Berk nr Bear fountain circle..
 Laundry done, bed made, cottage work paid for, shell gone, Social Security dealt with, Morning software classes happening, severance docs signed/sent - next - try again for Derma appt this month - or wait and see them on ACA? Dentist Wed.
 I want to feel secure here in cottage - that's how Buff/DJ see it - but nothing is permanent - be realistic - naturally losing job makes me doubt all things/cling - desire..
 Desire causes pain - breath in the now - enjoy the moment - Be here now. Love is.
 ---
 Sat 4:20pm nm
 Rather than hike, yard: chop west side of sidewalk orange flower pile to make room for car doors - clear beneath chair front of cottage, ~10small pots on sidewalk, water front/back, tiles on sidewalk, too? Dishes. PBJ in backyard - had moment of peace. Doing all I can. Is there anything I can be doing?
 PPT book, and class now, rather than wait for class till end of Oct. Maybe not this week.
 Sun Pt Reyes, BBQ music, sure. Enjoy life. Soon it will be cold/raining.
 Mon: Word class, ACA woman, unemployment (contact WL peeps again if not heard back).
 ~2 got hit w/nap stick - deep heavy! It's Saturday, I've been in class, dealing with emotionally heavy chores (disconnecting from job), Social Security problem, etc. job hunting coming up. I can nap mid-afternoon all I like. Be easy on myself. I am fortunate, but still - feel my feelings, feel my own pain.
 No one can harm you.
 Feel your own pain.
 Thins will never really be all settled, because
 Anything can happen to anyone.
 It's best to be prepared.
 Little phrases to calm the breathing and front brain. Breath. I am breathing. So I am alive. Poor Gil. :-( Poor us left behind.
+++++
 Fri Sep 14.18 laundry 5:30
 After Word class, Social Security office downtown Oakland, parking out front after 4x ~block - wait ~1hr with AARP magazines, lady says I'm in the system, but she also can't get it to accept my info! Dang! Aha - 1982 name misspelling Tosen - why does that sound familiar? Anyway, good to have it done.
 Relief I felt after - reminded me of Dad's saying 'hitting your hand with a hammer 'cause it feels so good when you stop!' - procrastinating, because magnified relief once task accomplished; could have avoided years of stress. Currently I'm avoiding finding out how much SS I'll get - I'm afraid to know -, depending on how soon I 'retire.' Try to get on things straight away. Avoiding, procrastinating magnifies stress..
 tho.. fair enough - no one wants to face bad news - like high PSA levels, which may prey on your mind but are not a serious statistical danger, Gil's situation aside. Be easy on myself - but get info I need - now's time.
 Called Derma - no appts till Oct.. now what? Some place with drop-ins just to freeze that one thing?
 Free weekend - I could do Sun Nicasio BBQ - but.. meh music.. Mad Hannah - $20 ticket, $25 food, $20 drinks, $5 tips = $70, owch, but it is such a nice place, easy sitting, food, music. Hmp.. hike, then concert? Could. No plans Sat except $ to Tom. What do I want to do with free day? No-thing? Any-thing?
 Cottage needs tidying - it is messy. Meditate - then - clean. A disorganized space indicates a disorganized mind.
+++++
 Fri Sep 14.18 nm
 Checked in w/Tom, maybe meet up at Freight& Salvage music event Sat to take care of shower stall $. Ask about good on skylight - do that before winter rains!
 Woke ~4am, called Social Security 800#, gave lady my info and she said everything was fine! Okay - good - because I may need it to be fine for unemployment, and certainly for Medicare/'retirement'. I wonder if anyone needs basic Photoshop skills from me? Had to work through years of low-level neglected Social Security stress after call - but it was good news! Neglecting stuff causes stress. Like I'm not checking to see how much SS $$ I'll get. Better to know - do it.
 Might go by office today after class - drop in - talk, talk -
 - make appt for blood work Mon, and Derma Tues. Yes. Do it before the weekend.
 More front yard weeding/raking -
 Meditate on Photoshop job in East Bay. Ommmmmm
+++++
 Thu Sep 13.18 nm
 InDesign this morning, EDD job support is in same building - haha! Downtown to PDF severance docs, send from Peets, - done!  -sad goodbye - final - but good to have it done. $1 per page! Yikes! El Cerrito Ross casual pants hunt - 1 pair, Solano Gordo's burrito - home, Nomad.. mostly just hanging, add address labels to car keys, 2nd set back in trunk.
 Medical stuff trickier..
 Mon afternoon Derma?
 Tues afternoon, after 10-hr fast - Blood work, where?
 or
 Mon
blood work, Tues Derma? Easier to do Word without food.
 Wed noon dental in SF - rice cooker from Chinatown after? Walk up Coit? Can I do that??
 Do it early next week, yes.
 Need a simple hat to protect skin. Plant aloe in yard. 
 Coolness is over, it is simple, non-extravagant, survival now. Necessities. Yard sales. Free boxes. Free cycle.
 Okay - now?
 Set up Derma for Monday
 Pant aloe in yard
 Box sake cups for Parri
 Wait to hear from WL about severance pay, after look into EDD.
 Next week, along with classes, health appts - improve resume. Photoshop examples. Positive quotes about training, from annual review.
 Rice cooker from Amazon?
 Microwave.
 How to do Social Security? I found birth certificate. Call the #, and/or show up/sign up some Wed morning. Unemployment may be a problem if SS is a problem - so, PRIORITIZE!
+++++
 Thu Sep 13.18 nm
 Slept pretty well - ~10-6:30, wank, smoothie - showered last night - pbj/apple for lunch - InDesign @9am. I keep thinking if I get a job I'll have to quit class - is that over optimistic? Or just optimistic? Is this my last job; from now on it's old age, scrimp/save, charity/food banks? Don't know. Death can come at any time - no one knows when their time is - so don't freak about old age. Enjoy the present much as possible. And overcome idealism - it's down to survival now. Do what one must.
 Clear decks - cups to Parri, Ross pants, email PDFs to WL - clear out cottage junk. Simplify.
 Life is good. xox
+++++
 Wed Sep 12.18 nm 1:pm
 Good - pat on back - slept in, doc appt 9:45, Derma ref & Blood work - no PSA check. Make appts.
 Quick check pile of papers by bed, not much of importance - at nm went through emails, collected work info etc
 Need to split between things to do vs. resources - stuff for resume, quotes - main focus this week is to-dos, $$ for Tom, pants from Ross, mail Parri cups, stall pics for L, just clear everything up, passwords written down, tidying, laundry, rest - next week more job-hunting, unemployment, city/county resources etc. Organized so I can focus on job hunt.
 Blood work, no need for appt but have to fast for 10hrs - so after class Fri? Derma Thurs afternoon?
 DJ said I can use laundry now and then. Thank you.
 Okay - org info later - now, Ross, bank etc.
 ** Later:
 Napped for an hour
 Bank for $500
 Gelato, IM w/L
 1/2 Priced Books (depressing comics books, war, crime - idiot humanity - what's the point?) - eating helped :-)
 Paradise falafel
 Signed severance doc, Buff witnessed/signed - PDF tomorrow after class
 Visit EDD place tomorrow after class?
 Took out bins
 More Bermuda grass root digging
 Running around panicking will not get me a job - getting things done methodically, and taking a break is best. More naps.
 Weight 195 - I think I've lost 10lbs. :-O
+++++
 Wed Sep 12.18 nm
 Sleep ~10:30-8:30 with 1hr up ~5am - groggy - but well-rested.. looked for car, not around block, thought it was across from Nomad because of street sweeping - not there, look again - fuck - towed! $$ hassle stress - bike to doc, walk or cancel? Remembered where it was, yes. Phew. But groggy shit.
 Nice talk w/Sooz, a lot of course about - we haven't talked for 2 weeks, so last days at work, tacky send-off by company, lots of nice feedback goodbyes from people I helped. It rained in Oregon - everything seems to have settled down, house-work wise etc. She seems good. Happy to have Judd around.
 Today is day off.. but Ross for casual pants, sign severance forms, look at Social Security & EDD online, rice cooker, microwave. Organize pile of papers by bed and any work related info in emails. Maybe type it up and print at Kinko's? I like having physical list.
 Today is my day off - take it one step at a time.
 Oh haha - there a POV vid of Asian woman with D I like - searched for more online, found shower, sitting on glass etc - downloaded - so time well-spent hohoho. It's okay - do not need to job hunt 24/7 - I deserve and need this brief break after 20years. Yes. Take it easy on myself. Job hunting need not be punishment. Look through damn good resume. Work on LinkedIn.
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 Tues Sep 11.18 nm 1:15pm
 Got into Tues-Thurs am InDesign - couple of minor things I didn't know, must mostly fine. Very beginning class. Keeps me on computers, cloud, MACs etc.
 Free time now - dig through emails, collect all to-dos/info.
 Send in WL Severance PDFs, look into unemployment & social security glitch. Start cottage tidy? Small rice cooker & microwave?
 Classes 4 mornings/week - plenty of free time for healing relaxation/sleep.
 Doc appt tomorrow for skin referral - call/add physical/blood work? Wed free except for doc appt. Nice. Sleep in.
 Tom/stall/toilet $360 - see if Buff wants to toss in $100?
 Now I can relax, next class in 2 days.
 Sweaty nights - laundry again, or is that obsessive?
 Ross Wed for casual pants.
 Cheap printer?
 Or I can take the rest of the day off and do fuck all.
 How about Wed.
 Doc ref for derma
 ACA lady
 AARP job hunt
 Ross for pants
 Printer for to-do address lists? They're so big!! Noo - prob not, but look.
 Social Security online.
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 Mon Sep 10.18 nm
 Word class 9:30-12:00.. a lot I know - bullets, tables - , but starting from ground up is valuable!
 Bank - add tax account w/$20K. Kinkos - print PDFs to sign for WL severance.
 Home: dental appt next Wed; Doc appt for skin referral this Wed; Social Security on hold for ~1.25hr - pbj & chop/saw more of sidewalk ugly bush, give up on call.
 Plan in signing up for Tues-Thurs 9-12:00 InDesign class tomorrow. 4 days/week morning classes? Going through Sep-Oct!? That's a lot of time out of job-hunt - if I get a job, or temp work, then I can't finish.. so - also do PPT training of some sort elsewhere or online with book?
 Feel I ought to jump on it - opportunity. Keep busy. Learning. Networking.
 Groceries tonight. I need more casual slacks - current dockers are trashy. And casual shoes?
 Ruthie Foster Nicasio Sept 23.
 Call ACA lady - don't rush into COBRA.
 Other health stuff in Sep while I still have Blue Cross? Glasses? Mostly skin, teeth.. what about a physical? Ask on Wed? Yes.
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 Mon Sep 10.18 nm
 Word @9:30 - goes through Nov 2 - 2 months of classes etc? .. could be.. what if I get temp work 1st? Self training with book?
 After class, print PDFs from WL for severance. Get dentist/doc #s/make appts. Also Social Security, make appt to see what's up?
 Start collecting those #s, esp those Buff/DJ sent me. work them.
 Might help to have a desk - find small one, replace bookshelf?
 Yes, thank you, be good today. Really helped to talk about fears/anxiety w/Stacey yesterday!
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 Sun Sep 9.18 yard 7:20pm
 Good San Pablo Pho w/Stacey, good talk, mentioned my - I don't even remember how I phrased it - but my current fears, dread of future, etc - talked about fears/anxieties we have in common, how most everyone has same, keep ourselves distracted with pop culture, work etc. How knowing other people have it worse doesn't help. etc. All that.
 After I felt much better - important to talk this stuff out with close friends, not hold it in, play strong. Invited me over for dinner TV. Sounds good. Talked about all our personal stuff, my recent contact w/Nan, etc.
 Solano Stroll - not much, but okay 'people watching' - been a long time - 10yrs+? Chocolate flan not as good when alone, Peet's espresso, sushi bento 1/2 way down. Stopped in at Robbie's - welcomed me in, then a friend - chatted ~1hr - left with 35min to get to Bowl - drive 6:35-6:50 - made it on the button: burrito for tomorrow's morning class, pudding, bread for PBJs, straw&blueberries, bananas.
 Visiting Stacey & Robbie helped. Socializing, contacts.
 Work on list tonight or at nm tomorrow am. Must be done.

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 Sun Sep 9.18 nm
 Utilize blog for survival - help organize - remind myself how amazing life is. Yet some part of me is glad not to be going to work.
 Sat 6hr InDesign - learned some, a lot looked familiar, like Quark - good to activate mind, get in learning mode. After, Peets mocha slushy, IMs w/K, chop front orange flower pile, chat w/Buff, drive DJ to Freight, front house shower, Youtube rollercoasters, sleep ~10 - up 7, stay in bed till 9. Extra bed-time seems to be helping, get back into my body and mind?
 Following Youtube algorithms closes my mind. Very narrow amusement. Do more. Volunteer at Shotgun players for free shows.
 Today lunch with Stacey, Solano Stroll - afternoon plan for upcoming week.
 Hydrate.
 Mon:
 Office class 9:30-12:30 - eat breakfast, bring lunch.
 Make Dentist appt
 Make Doc Fitzer fast appt for for skin care referral
 Social Security to find out what the problem is - find birth certificate
 WL Docs on thumb drive to print, sign, witness, PDF, send back
 Look at more classes - join InDesign?
 Look into county EDD, more classes?
 Collect stuff Buff/DJ sent: ACA, AARP job hunt advice
 More stuff to LinkedIn. Viral photoshop etc. Enjoy these free mornings. It's beautiful.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Be here now. Breath.
 Backup laptop - include list of apps, in case this laptop breaks or stolen etc.
 I may be unemployed for months. Utilize this time to learn, prepare, and also enjoy. Cheaper car? Give back to Sooz?
 Make will - AARP.
 List on dry/erase.
 Keep busy. Be as social as possible. See if Tom wants to go see Ruthie Foster? Can't hurt to ask.

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 Sat Sep 8.18 nm
 Dreamed about Pittsburgh house, next door lot was empty, but been improved, dream of paradise, living at home, cared for, fed - there was a horse and 2 riders plastic toy, put together amusingly, I rearranged was was putting it back as it was when alarm went off.
 InDesgn all day intro today - 9am - leave ~8:30?
 Gil was dying for heaven's sake, he strove, fought to live as long as possible and enjoy his last years, did not give up. Thinking about distant future is not good.
 Get Social Security fixed up. Make list for next week, after morning class. Get new dental & Derma appt. Call ACA lady. Print sign PDF severance docs.
 I keep thinking how fucked I am, how fucked we all are, working class in the US - and as human beings - no hope, no hope. Good - accept that. Don't be - as Mom called them - a Dreamer. Get real, and struggle to survive. Life is a struggle to survive. Whiners die. what about the co-op where Karen lived - openings?
 One large BM every other day - change in diet, plus stress. Meditate man - and weights, and yard work. Easier once bathroom is done I hope? Get cottage cleaned out/organized. Need a clean organized living space. But - don't wait for that - I can meditate any time. It will help keep me from freaking out I think.
 I used to almost daily remind myself of all things to be grateful for - there's still:
 health, friends, yard and cottage, family, nature, bike, art, library, network, dare I say being as K says college-educated white male?, my creative mind - and so much more if I just keep looking up.
 Cheryl ~1979

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 Fri Sep 7.18 backyard 7:14pm
 Wed pm dropped laptop, killed screen - augh! Work-related stuff on laptop. (back it up! and phone!) Slept badly, stressed.. anxiety hurt cognition.. phone to look for repair places.. work laptop meantime; need to return it. Bad karma to keep. Also, I think I can get office on this laptop really cheap.
 Thu locksmith, 2nd car clicker; while there got call from WL, failed ppt test - relief to have that settled! Not getting intense Menlo Park BoA 2hr commute is good - I would not have last 6 months. But - I did try, I learned how weak my skills are - so prioritizing training. DJ mentioned Berk Adult, also gave ACA contact. ~1pm drop laptop at Computer Repair (from Shattuck). Got info for Berk Adult school - San Pablo north of Univ. Signed up for 2 classes: MS Office Mon&Fri, and InDesign workshop all-day Sat. Maybe sign up for more.
 Today did first Word class 9:30-12:30, easy'ish, good to start from beginning in organized fashion. I feel how my brain is slow to absorb - part of me still wants same job, routine - of course, after 20yrs - give myself time, be easy on myself, to learn new ways. I can do this. I am not stupid - last year has been rough on heart and ego. I'll get over it. Human beings heal.
 Tom almost done w/shower stall - one more layer on tiles. 3 day job became 9-day. Cool - but make note.
 Talked to WL lady, forms to print, sign, PDF and send back - Monday?
 Severance is one payment - $10K - doesn't sound like that much on context - 
 one payment, so I can apply for unemployment. May not be much. Might pay rent and some food.
 I keep healthcare in Sep - so renew dentist appt, get face skin appt from Fitzer - some freezing to be done.
 Look into ACA.
 
All this is good - no more waiting.
 Today I thought, class is good because it's focused on starting something new, not focused on something old ending.
 Long'ish chat w/* about worries, worried about me - got me to open up about it - my fears. We need to talk about that, too - not only good stuff. That helped, to open up about it, instead of holding in, to not bother people or look weak. I am grateful for someone who cares that much.
 Groceries.. sushi box for dinner, burrito for InDesign day.
 Life is like a box of chocolates, never know what you're going to get. Even a broken heart.
 Solano Stroll Sun.. John Henry's birthday later this month. Do not miss that.
 
Key clicker, laptop fix, Menlo Prk job no, severance, ACA, HC for Sep, Word/Excel/PPT class, InDesign, shower stall, yard work, start job hunt part-time, etc. Survive.

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 Wed Sep 5.18 nm 4:30
 Called Berk Adult School - downtown, look into parking - girl on phone said fine to come in Fri am - there's room, books in class.
 Key copy
place on University - remote clicker - while there, got call saying I did not get Menlo Park job - thank God - failed PPT test, I said no surprise, I was shocked by difficult it was, me being all focused on Bain-tools, and I'd signed up for classes that morning - she said they'd keep looking for another location, told WL guy. Call/ text him Thurs about Cobra/severance.
 Tom at cottage working on stall. Cottage a mess - that doesn't help focus mind, for job hunt, personal healing, rest.
 Downtown for falafel, but parked nr Mexican place on side St. Stacey likes, prawns lunch - $20, will get a 2nd leftovers meal.
 Library
for new card. 1/2 Priced books,
 Bank
for $100 quarters.
 Good to have Menlo Park thing resolved - 2hr commute was a deal-killer - no way that could go one for a year. I felt relief. Funny. But I did try! And I learned. And am taking appropriate steps.
 Good - way cleared for more R&R, start into job-hunt.
 Continue to give myself time and be kind to myself, enjoy this free time. Meditate. Use weights. Get audio for weight /mediation on phone or laptop. Phone timer. Floor pillow. Relaxation mediation will be good for me. Also stretching.
 Yes! So much to be grateful for. May be past initial kick in stomach, and being treated like garbage by work.
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 Wed Sep 5.18 nm
 Sleep ~9 - 1 hr up ~3-4 - out of bed ~8. Continue to stay in bed till I'm ready.
 Tues SRosa~11am -easy drive - for Mex lunch w/Eric - use his shower first, ahh nice - Tom working on shower stall - caulking today (?) delays are troublesome, but in circumstances, he is doing us a favor, okay - Sebastopol for antique stores, see giant chair - stop: artsy space for smoothies, small pre-fab mini-'shops'. Cool find. Visit downtown to see if record store still there - nope.
 Anxiety back to normal life level - not far from before news, feeling I ought to be doing something to prepare for future.. Sat-Tue 4 days of conscious chill, expecting call today or tomorrow from WL recruiter about Menlo Pk job, if not, reach out and start COBRA & severance.
 Today, new car key with remote, & new battery - start collecting job-hunting info in one place - small steps. Contact Adult School to see about starting MS Office class Fri morning, after missing 1st 2 classes. Maybe no room. Be prepared. Visit site?
 This is nice having days off. Reach out more, be social hen opportunity presents itself.
 Mom put things off to end - what am putting off? Music?
 Travel? Spend a week in Oregon? Bragg? Can I do it for $1K. Dare I? Dare.
 Karen said: Go easy on yourself.
 Anything I want to do with this free time is okay. Take care of myself.
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 Mon Sep 3.18 nm
 Forced myself to stay in bed till almost 9.. in and out of dreams - Tom dream: you have to be nicer to me - flipped a plane ticket away from my hand, walked away disappeared leaving me lost..
 Just - nothing - yes - new reality is dealing with reality of aging, lack of 'retirement', loss of independence, etc.. several days of 'nothing', then full-time survival - 3 months of severance (if I get it), then what unemployment till march, then somehow survive till 65 for full Social Security - all this presumes affordable rent cottage situation stays intact.. 
 Face-to-face with uncertainty, I assume one adjusts - sigh.. it's up to me..
 Eat.. I need to eat now..
 Leave for Nicasio ~2, dinner there - 2 drinks?  Enjoy. Breath. Count blessings. Focus on positive.
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 Sun Sep 2.18 7:13pm
 After Nomad, talk w/Nan ~8:35-noon(?) - several hours, (before and after Tom working on stall) - our jobs, my unemployment/plans, Scott & his relationships w/women, then into out past relationship as artist/ model, peoples' negative reaction to sexuality in our photos, non-sexual intimacy, the pregnancy shots, I like being worshipped, etc.. dug deep into latter, I think because we cherish/ed sharing.
 A little stress in stomach, I think from my unrequited desire for next step which will never come; sent her my description of Gil's last day. Salad lunch, Tom takes break, NBerk burrito - note expense - let it go these few days - start making food at home. Tilden back parking, down through Farm, visitor center, wooden trail to lake - so tired when I got there! Did not know - laid on bench and deep slept on-and-off - up ~4, back through side trails - in a daze - bad air from Oregon fires! Beautiful buck crossing trail, and bunny. PEETs for espresso and pumpkin bread. Bowl for chocolate drinks, salad, dried figs, apples. $20. Keep track of food expenses? By category. Use Excel.
 1/2 burrito dinner - now low energy - sure - continue to chill, avoid stressful thinking. Relax. A few days of chill is good for me, and I need it - Tuesday visit Eric. Then free days for longs lists of things to do.
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 Sun Sep 2.18 nm
 Slept decent - sweaty - good to have laundry/groceries done - up ~7:30 - smoothie, Nomad - call Nan ~8:30
 Woke up feeling okay, but also crying - so okay - feel my feelings, I can be happy and well, and still need to cry - everyone does - Dad said, that's why we watch sad movies, to let out the tears. Dad was wise in many ways. Yes. And Mom. Adults who'd survived hard hard times - death of sibs in war, dire poverty, alcoholism, watching family members collapse and fail - they saw necessity of strong core strength, went to Catholic church. Okay. We'll see. Look into it if I want - there's good stuff there.
 No plans today - call Nan - yard work? Eat? Rice cooker. Nap. Rest. Eat good food.
 Home now to call Nan - is that why I cried this morning?
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 Sat Sep 1.18 laundry
 Feel good - life is scary/uncertain, but I have ideas, steps to take, a path forward, support of family, friends, ex-co-workers... positive comments from co-workers in last 2 days meant so much, soulful goodbyes with Rob and Randy, we are mates motherfucker - made a huge difference to counterbalance corporate heartlessness. Tom helping with cottage, Buff/DJ had me in for cheese prosciutto snack, Buff again mentioned living situation being something they want to keep together, DJ sent Berk Adult school list - MS Office, and InDesign! Wow - can I live on severance and take classes while also putting myself out there?
 Taking classes while on severance sounds great!
 Buff/DJ said getting refurbished laptops with office SW can save 100s. My friend praying to the goddess that someone else gets Menlo Park BoA job. Wrong situation. Look at ACA.
 Today.. chill, free fall, no plans more than an hour in advance - think about food - Nomad till ~10, Bowl for burrito bowl, eat at Tilden Carousel/check it out, ride mini-train - 1mins of $3 silly adult fun - perfect sunny cool day - Peets for mocha slushy, Mexican place for chicken/rice/beans plate - a bit light on chicken and beans! Back to car - law writing a ticket, I ran/hobbled up in my broken Birkenstocks - "I'm coming! Am I too late??" "No. You're not tool ate." "Thank you! Appreciate it."
 Backed up Aug blog - start fresh, no focusing on past, difficult 6 weeks, move forward - that's correct and only direction. Up my training/skills - hone resume, organize resources, network, resume, take time for myself - rest/refresh. Like job search/classes 1/2 time job, 1/2 enjoy this break.
 A few more days of nothing - but even so, I'm getting stuff done, thinning about how to feed myself, getting cottage, groceries, laundry together - music BBQ Mon, visit Eric Tues. Call with Nan Sun am. Nothing to be embarrassed about - pride will kill me - times like this, you cut through crap, see where gold is.
 List later, but roughly:
 Laptop
 Office classes
 ACA
 Car key
 List all stuff from emails

 Contact peeps who offered me references - ask if it's okay to give out their email address to potential employers, or better they write something up? Even connected to Taf & Jeff - which just goes to show, you don't have to want to be friends with someone one, might even find them irritable, to say yeah, they're good workers, help them out in a hard spot - you don't undercut people in trouble. Of course; and I'm not too proud to ask for help, which says something good about me. Culi and I were cutting up at the end, and I wishing him good luck, and don't let them burn you out! I got a little class anyway motherfucker.
 Shower stall is looking good. Small fridge is a problem.. but.. hmp. Deal with it.
 Okay - a new day dawning. I'm still a bit of a mess - give myself a few more days. Pray for severance.
 The people I cared about most.. Rocker Peter and John R chat buddy were most upset, wrenching really - they were closest to friends. TSG Christina was more upset than I'd expected - but she knows, emotional as I am, I work hard, always was there for them. Isidro and I - we always made eye contact - hugs goodbye. And a few consultants, ACs, Managers..
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 Sat Sep 1.2018 nm
 Fri Nomad ~4 - then hang in bed, too weary for shower.. half work sandwich for 'dinner' - youtube, Excalibur clips - rollercoasters - sleep ~10?
 Wake ~8am.. so wow - have not had a good night's sleep since mid- July announcement - 3-4hrs or more but not restful - ~10hours last night and woke feeling mentally rested - best digestive activity in a while, too..
 Good to be away from work atmosphere - tensions - coming end - rejection - keeping it secret while waiting for them to announce - no control - they said mid-Aug - but waited till last minute, buried it in dense email - glad I took back some control, not unprofessionally - sent goodbye early, along w/CORE waterworks slide - more time for people to come say goodbye, give thanks - some very high praise, for both training and support, tho my mind was in such a lather I've barely retained it -
 All this in wake of Mom's death.. that made it harder, yes - my cognition was not 100% - relentless pressure to learn new job, new admin, new training skills, jettison past tasks as worthless, give 200% - yep - overwhelmed -
 Collected a bunch of LinkedIn connections, and a few good recommendations - I have disorganized collection of stuff to do next, but taking this 4-day weekend, let go, freefall, sleep, this is my time... no need to do anything job-related, or worry about it - one needs to take care of oneself~ if I can, I should..
 Fact that I slept well for 1st time in 6 weeks, slept solid 10hrs means this is necessary - good for me - I will job hunt better if I'm not exhausted, and can think clearly -
 Tom working on stall today, so no napping.. maybe Tilden stroll?
 Thinking one hour here at Nomad, then get out and away from internet.
 Look into Dell laptop with Office apps.
 Now.. 10am - Tilden? Bring food.

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