Oh, hey -

+++++
 Sun July 22.18 Oside 7:54am
 Bed ~10pm, up ~2am for a but, then 7:15.. spotty sleep, but did not wake up weepy, so it goes.. balancing stress of looking for new job, against general existential/ self-sufficiency stress.. working it out.. soon, type up job info and send out group email/msg.
 Sat pm into town ~7, $300 ATM, fill tank, fruit/pudding/eggs..  ~8 tortilla/cheese/beans/salsa/eggs.. yum! Savings ~84K. I think Social Security would net me ~$400/wk? Not enough to live on in Bay Area without sweet rent deal. That's the scary part. And making extra $$ via internet sales is, even short-term, a pipe dream. So there we are. In retirement, one picks up odd jobs/temp work for extra pocket $$, and go to food banks, and volunteer.
 8am - shower, leave for Oceanside ~8:30-9? Cool. Overcast. Whatever - don't want to sit around all day.. still, only 4 days since the news? Wed am.. Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun am. Okay.. 4 days is not long. still some shock in system. Mon contact work - email or phone - check in - is there anything I ought to do to get ball rolling or can it wait till I get back. Don't want to miss out on any opportunities. Man.
 Must be depressing in dept right now, but at least there's camaraderie and shared support. I assume lots of people know by now.
 Fantasy - Partners/others shocked/outraged, demanding GFX (me, at least) kept in SF. Hahaha. No, it'll be - 'damn, that sucks, nice working with you, you're legendary, thanks for support - back to work - bye!' Maybe some outside work work? Maybe some tips? Maybe BridgeSpan or some other temp training? I'll take it, anything to keep my toe in that pool. Get a better PC laptop, and practice my Photoshop & PowerPoint skills.
 Yes, things I can do to keep myself viable, get a printer, and a photo printer, sell photos on eBay etc.
 Okay, time to shit, shower and shine.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Life is good always.
 Dreamed about finding pile of photos mom had been organizing.. no details.. lots of dreaming.. I think that's a good sign. REM sleep.
 Ah, yes, thank you.

+++++
 Say July 21.18 Oside 5:51pm
 Sitting in this chair for hours - that's what vacation is - during work time I amuse myself, can see what amuses me is pretty cool sometimes - literature, history etc - friends - art - but vacation you let your mind relax - it is not a reflection of a boring mind, it is mental downtime.. in a beauty spot away from city life! That is somehow key.. fill it with porn, or comic books, or pop star biographies.. summer reading as they call it..
 Told N about dept closing.. have told Karen, L, Eric and N now.. it was time.. Sooz is next.. N was surprised I did not want to immediately retire.. I could have at 62, waited till 65 for Medicare - 8mos from now -, but was leaning towards working till I die.. it's risky to try to make a few bucks selling my art - likely to fail or not make much difference.. but, note cards of my best pics, Frida pics etc.. just saying.. it may not be too late?
 And 5 years since Scott killed hisself - so so long ago now.. and bands, Davis, college, Game Theory tours long ago history.. beginning to be meaningless.. what is now? Job. Or not. What the fuck. A good full-time job with healthcare is a valuable thing. But it is not the only thing.
 6pm.. got get strawberries, supplies.. gas up car.. tomorrow early 8am? out to Seaside.. yes, this is good..

+++++
 Sat July 21.18 Oside 9:22am
 Sleep ~10:30-8.. so not out early for Seaside - cold, overcast - perfect for glum mood - anyway, feeling emotional, sad, weepy, maybe depressed(?) - feeling loss of status, no job.. having a job makes you viable - what do you do? Meaning, what is your work - working class - .. a good job, comfortable office job is cool.. sitting all day.. yes.. helping, giving something back.. daily 1-on-1 contacts.. yeah, I'm bottom of ladder, admin.. but at Bain where slide/presentations are central, it was important.. 'these companies live and die by ppt' said PEG IT guy.. I was known as PPT guy because of training.. boom, status, prestigious - minor as it was - gone.. hmp.. mourn, weep, feel my feelings, get through it, process, it'll heal naturally organically..
 Dreams of trying to drum but can't, something about chasing Korean solders who escape down a steep rocky hill into the sea to drown or hide beneath rocks avoiding snipers smoke screen.. ? Was I the sniper or the Koreans - woke up feeling it was unclear.. many dreams.. so that means REM sleep.. good.. getting this info on vacation is good because time to heal, process, but maybe bad because I'm missing info opportunities at work? Reach out to Ultipro and names on PDF.. Let them know I'm interested in work.. this is how it is.. vacation.. should I rush home? Is staying here self-indulgent? Let's see..
 Anyway, feeling weak/weepy, don't want to let everyone know/see yet till I've bucked up a little.. fair enough.. allow myself dignity, spare them pain..
 Fri 12:15 south 101 to Three Rocks.. lovely day for drive, upscale homes in hilly forests, stop at parking near water, signs/descriptions/history of area, not much to see - munch salted steak for energy, up Savage Rd to Sitka Center for Arts and Ecology in woods, modern/rustic wood buildings, beautiful location, classes, sculptures, I was feeling skeptical (art classes way to fill time, don't get one a job - my main concern these days) but sincere and curious.. Kim told me about it.. back inland to Oside, out ~6 for Mexican dinner again.. straight back to Oside, sit around on laptop, ~9 step onto beach, briefly into water, but hard cold wind drove me back into cottage..
 Seeing world through eyes of job=money=equals having stuff, no job means no stuff.. reality.. few illusions.. no fun.. death and suicide play on edges (not really, but..)..  normal to have these thoughts.. everything must be processed... but, life will get better, I've been down before and been okay..  I see cars coming other way, think how easy to turn wheel into them.. but so bad/sad to friends, acquaintances (look how Scott did that).. not to mention pain in innocent other's lives.. fear an actual accident that kills me, friends wondering if I did commit suicide - no, don't want to lay that on anyone.. too sad.. too much pain..
 Speaking of suicide, Bradley posted SAC Scott memorial pic - 5 years ago today - I was a mess.. holy shit.. overwhelmed by memories... I was a constant part of the scene.. Shelley, Nan, Lynn modeled for me.. Suzi almost did.. ex-wife, best friend.. Gil now gone too soon.. fuckitty fuck fuck.. gotta keep moving, enjoying life all the same..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 News hit 3 days ago in Newport - it's good I didn't call Tue, would have ruined Sooz visit!.. Wed am - Sat am.. 3 full days, working through it - last night/this morning, weepy phase - more phases to come.. worrying about my whole life, feel how vulnerable I, we all, are.. some level of despising myself for being weak, not smart/wealthy enough - future tense, like well in 8 months I could retire @65, but how would I fill the time, not just be depressed/bored, sink into poverty? And what if cottage falls through.. and 'what if, what if'? Get a grip.. process,, have faith that I'll get a grip.. a job is a big comfort.. to know one is employable..

+++++
 Fri July 20.18 Oside 9:30am
 ~5 Fri into town for dinner/groceries, Mexican place north of town, Mexican feels healthy - 1 margarita.. visited Cheese Factory in new building all completed (a good sign that I'm still doing spontaneous vacation stuff - I am not paralyzed - monitoring my reaction), Safeway for meal food..
 ...everyone got to work, lots of work involves standing all day, repetitive boredom.. my job typing/making slides all day is just grunt work, but occasional creativity, and training gave it something more - training meant I was expert, meant prestige.. meant people remember he helping them.. I grabbed photos/photoshop jobs.. video editing.. whatever creativity I could.. some of this was new, during and post dot-com, now everyone knows that stuff, but for a while I was high-value and that was fun.. :-)
 Also networked, attended work events, took photos, created photo collection folder, scanned old headshots, shot passport-type photos, pro-active outreach for ppt work/ training, helping people beautify training modules.. come on - I was, am an amazing employee. Come on Neil or one or some of all you powerful folks who I've helped, who have told me I am great - that I am indispensible - help me out here. Golden Gate or one of the PEG companies I trained, or BridgeSpan. Hmmm. That'd be cool. Very cool.
 I'm still high-value - I'm not being laid-off 'for cause' - so that's good :-(
 Too windy/cold for beach, scanned Love and Rockets book, bed at 10, no pot - I'm off pot for now, in case I'm tested.. up ~6:30 - internet for a while, back to sleep till ~8:30.. stayed in bed wrestling with feelings, fear of aging, worrying about what will become of me etc.. standard stuff for my age, now brought to fore by soon-to-be-unemployment status.. that is: even if I land in an okay living situation, and have enough social security, what to do all day? And if I get some independent contractor work (from Bainees) I'll need a better computer/wifi connection etc. Lots to think through - I'm a little afraid.. frightened.. naturally.. but I also see possibilities.. I'm not fucked.. it is not a terminal illness.. it is survivable.. for all my gripes about current circumstances, there is much value worth sustaining.. it's just different.. I can still be happy..
 Wow.. boom.. perhaps a year from now I may look back, say yeah that was fucked, but not remember how destabilizing this feels, and still be in happy circumstances.. another PowerPoint job would work.. look at ppt temp 'experts' we got handed at Bain.. maybe I can get another good position.. but if it's in Silicon Valley that'd be fucked, but hell.. take it anyway.. be a trooper..?
 If necessary get a better car, give Sooz back the Camry she loves.. haven't told her about job yet..
 Had a smoothie, coffee from the cottage maker here.. not bad.. then shower and beach stroll..
 Seaside Mon?
 No plans for days - what about that 3 rock thing an hours south of here? WTF is it?
 There is something emasculating about losing the job. Money is power. Money is sex? Buy a girl a drink? Buy a girl? Wow. Get past that - there's more to attractiveness than $$ - tho it helps. Yes, prestige of job, savings, giving away $$ - like potlatches, attaining status by gift-giving - makes me feel successful in a mainly gender-specific way. Noted. Be honest about all this. Even tho I don't - having considered it, wouldn't -, offering $$ to Sarah W or others for nude photos - or even sex - , knowing I could do that, everyone having a price, is power. $1K to massage them, enjoy touching and looking at their naked body - would feel lousy, and not be a good thing - but, there's a thin edge of desire for power (power is survival) at edge of mind, that enjoys knowledge, that if I was evil, didn't care who I hurt, it could be done. Weird. Something Nazi'ish about it. Sexual control. "You won't send me nude photos? But you would if I offered you this much $$." Yes, sexual power trip. Same is true in reverse. Everyone has their price.
 Phewww... breath out..  fear of losing money.. job.. loss of control.. shakes one up.. have faith that with my experience, I'll et another position via WL. Just hope is is easy to get to.
 Letters from Sibs.. Beth's back getting worse. Mary's shoulder healing, but legs bad - no hiking. Anne moved to Wheeling - so Beth alone in mTown. Shirley 90 & addicted. Tom in my town but we not talking. Joan/Jeff in Reno. Lisa & Rob in Napa.
 Sad as it is.. leaving a job with familiar faces.. not really any real friends there.. no one I see outside work... I'm already mentally moving on..
 This morning in bed, working through thoughts of worse-case scenarios..  no job, no cottage.. leave town.. whatever.. feel and think through it all.. process.. it's all good..
 ***
 Good shower - so habitual I noticed I skipped Thurs.. & digestion - lunch 2 corn tortillas w/black beans/cheese/salsa.. grilled 2 steaks for later.. bringing pbj/apple/dried figs - drive ~1hr south to 3 rocks and see what that's about - cols and windy so no beach visit yet - it seems it is more about the place and space and free time than the actual beach & ocean? Good idea at least once a day get out there and enjoy natural beauty..

+++++
 Thu July 19.18 Oside 9:20am
 Wed pm IM'ing w/L till 8, Tilla for groceries - no dinner food - back in time for sunset but horizon fogged in.. sit till 11, pulling pics out of 1T storage drive for tumblr and clearing out redundancy..
 When you lose a long-term job, it often takes time - months! - to get another 'good' job, and more time for pay to grow.. so this is indeed a big deal/end of an era.. if I also lose cottage I am well and truly fucked.. let's not sugar-coat this situation - It's fucked.. end of an era of having more than enough, of being generous, etc.. Age ~45-64 - I became an adult.
 Lots to think about: resume (pay someone to help), connection to WL, Social Security, food stamps, trailer parks, different state?, how much severance pay will I get and for how long? COBRA for healthcare? Any last-minute Medical / Dental work to be done? (No. Lucky my health is good at this moment). What can I cut back on to save $$ - less expensive car insurance, can I cut back on some electronic stuff? No more art. No more long weekends on the coast (unless I sleep in car).
 Take a day or two to chill.. do what I always do, maintaining standard behavior might be good for my mind. Then start list: resume, Ulti-Pro job search, etc. Fuck. Be methodical. I have learned how to do this - bullet list - at work  get it done. Check with Holly/Tracey re GFX positions, temp work etc. Bummer.
 It's just a change - I'll be fine, and everything is going to be alright.
 Dinner: Tortillas, cheeses, beans, salsa, eggs - mmm! Oily! Big ol' dump this morning. No pot - bed ~11, wake up ~2am, too hot, take off sweatshirt, turn off living room heater, sit on computer chair for an hour (?), back to bed naked, got a chill, shivering under covers.. sleep till ~7:30.. coffee makes was decent - 2 cups..
 I think last year I also sat around for a day or so before going to ocean.. eat, smoothie, get out and move for sure.. but this first full day, after 5 days of travel / Sooz visit, work news.. yeah.. sit still and chill while I can..
 I've been feeling like this was last year for music festivals/cottages w/Eric and even OR trips.. I thought reaction to Mom's death, seeing potential end everywhere - who knows what's next? But for now.. frugal is the word. 8 nights here.. things will look different - it's good to have this time... I am much blessed..
***
 Remember, I just got this news 24hrs ago, Wed morning.. and it's Thursday - maybe it feels a bit unreal, out here on coast, 4+ days on road... let it sink in.. reality - be brave - act with integrity.. be kind to yourself.. who do I tell? Eric, K & L so far - B&DJ can wait till I return home(?).. sibs? At some point.
 It's been a long 24hrs,, it only takes 1 or 2 people at work to help me out, make a recommendation, share a tip, etc.. maybe stop pot now to clear system for drug testing.. drove ~700 miles in 4.5 days.. now I'm sitting sunk in this comfy chair, as I have for years.. 16days summer vacationing..
 Quite a coincidence.. August 1999-August 2018.. 19 years exactly - and it helps a lot that I was not laid off for anything I did - just a change in company policy, and I am a long-term employee in good standing, meeting expectations.. in a tight spot.. someone give me a hand.. I'll get by with a little help from my friends.. Bain was cool fun and prestigious.. a good ride.. likely next will be a step down, but it doesn't matter - put food on the table and pay rent.. not like a GFX dept is high up the corporate ladder.. Just happened that the company I started at in 1999 has grown into a big dog over that time... cool experience, I was lucky to have it, a company that my personality worked in.. allowed to color outside lines.. may the next one also fit my personality,..
 Okay - 2:30pm - shower, more groceries of dinner kind,,. Mexican lunch.. espresso...
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Wed July 18.18 Oside 5pm
 What's good:
 Health
 Friends
 Cottage/rent
 Yard
 Savings
 Nearness to retirement age
 Connection to Williams Lea - possible job through them?
 ~2 weeks vacation time in cash
 Good references from Bain people
 19yrs at prestigious Bain good on resume
 PowerPoint & training experience, Photoshop, some Excel, bit of Outlook
 Car
 I've had time to heal post Mom/Gil loss, so have fortitude to face this squarely & with integrity
 As in: I called Darcy this morning even tho I was on vacation, and tho I was anxious; I slept well, went through with call and news solidly. I'm an adult.
 There's lots of good.
 Question
 Will they ask me to do some post-Aug CORE training? Nah! They'll fly someone out from Dallas, and train local ppt experts.
 Who will train new hires? Out from Dallas, and local experts again? Also in LA & SV.
 I wonder who will do facepages (HR probably)? Or no one?
 It is no longer my concern - if they asked I'd do it, but that's very unlikely. No - there's no going to be a miracle.
 Nothing is permanent. Things change; one has to be able to face up to it.
+++++
 Wed July 18.18 Newport hotel
 Mon pm most of Newport hotels booked - managed 2 nights at Econolodge (thank you) nice $110 room looking out at distance but audible ocean.. Tues ~10am lv for Sooz in Albany  - easy drive, nice day from fogged-in coast to sunny hot inland.. Good to se Sooz, Jack, Judd, kitties, greenhouse, yard, birds on feeders.. talked about boss asking for mandatory mtg, wondering what, is it really important, or just her stuff - what does it say that we did not trust her to trust? Whatever.. Sooz & I went out for lunch, chat chat ~4 fading head out w/sad hugs, Joni Mitchell bios, Mexican restaurant recommendations....
 Easy drive, woke me up, north on 101 for Sbuck thermos coffee, Mexican restaurant -  sent pics to Sooz.. broke down place but tasty/filling! Grocery store: bananas, pudding, goldfish.. hotel, thinking do things - do things now! Hit off pipe, bring with small bud, park at overlook near arts center, hit off pipe - barely notice high but mostly puts me in present - no past/future.. stroll water edge but not in water, heavy fog - no sunset -, jacket, nice.. home ~9..?
 Sleep ~11, sleep all night deep.. up ~7:30.. call CHIboss.. no answer.. call 30mins later.. the news: both CHI & SF GFX depts closing Aug 31 - ouch! That's like7 people out of work - including, I assume CHIboss.. man, lots of pain.. bad news for me, but I'm okay at the moment -
 Cheap rent, good savings, option to retire, Medicare in 8mos - (look into how Social security calculated - recent paychecks, or long-term employment?) - being at Bain&Co for 19yrs will look good on resume.. maybe even someone at Bain will recommend me? Also, I'm past Mon/Gil deaths physical pain - though it sort of "ruins" my vacation.. interesting timing..?
 And interesting timing.. just did 4 days of relaxed driving, yesterday visiting good beloved friend, who welcomed me, said looking good (lost weight, Mexican clothes) - next step is 9 nights in cottage in favorite place in US.. so time for this traumatic news to sink in.. I am numb, avoiding now - feel my feelings, let it sink in, Bain has been a big part of who I am and was during a big significant time of my life: post-divorce, post wild-living, 45-64.. wild.. I was allowed to evolve, learn, test myself, come out of shell, lots of trainings - got pretty good at it! Able to see live music, music fests with friends, support my friends - and goddaughter - financially!
 Regular paycheck is nice, people I've worked with for so long - sad to say goodbye to familiar faces.. sad for them, too.. sad.. fuck..
 But survival is first priority.. timing is good as can be hoped, with savings etc.. my friends may be generous, I'll be okay - but a.) I do not want to be dependant, and b.) there's more to it than that - there's the working class dilemma - who am I without work?
 Sell my artwork online - now's the time.
 Boom! Big news. Not a disaster, because I could retire, try to live on fixed income. Wait 8 months till 65 and do my best. Move to a crappy trailer park in Oregon or Bragg and freeze in the rain. Get info. Okay. Now what?
 Now - 10:56 - car packed - let's drive to Oceanside.. I have 5 hours to do a 2hr drive, arrive ~3.
 Breath. This is really happening - breath - remind myself I am distracted and emotional, so be extra careful driving!
+++++
 Mon July 16.18 Roasters/Florence 2pm
 Boss <snip> no biggy..  (she's doing best she can, be supportive where I can)
 Again, good to blog job stuff here, but no need to keep, as I will never care going forward.. which tells me a lot - it is peripheral, short-term..
 Sleep well - ~11pm-7:45.. (evening: no fridge, spoon runny choc pudding.. youtube).. morning: good wank (OPIK Kate & blonde, less experienced blonde sitting on cock, Kate sitting on face; after I have fully satisfied them, they want to give me commiserate pleasure - Kate sucking, other stroking balls).. move slow, internet, smoothie, good bm, shower - overcast - explore Winchester fishing port, cool little book store on wharf along with dry dock (?) boats on stands -crackers/hummus/1/3 pbj - filling -... traffic easy.. breakfast somewhere.. eggs/corn beef hash.. yuck..
 Bathing is one of fave vacation activities.. sleep, hot showers.. fresh air, relaxation.. looking at ocean... no work.. this works.. so what am I doing right now? exactly what I want.. if I am dissatisfied, do something else.. it's my choice.. visiting a favorite coffee spot on coast for espresso & view of lovely bridge... sunny day with enough of cool breeze to be perfect.. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Sunny beautiful by river, view of 30s deco bridge.. people drinking coffee, talking.. my 2nd double espresso..
 50 miles to Newport.. 1:15hrs.. past Seal caves..
 Tues Newport to Sooz and back.. Wed have all day to get to Oceanside.. always small pleasurable tension between: wanting to arrive vs. wanting to chill here/there and take time.. later afternoon Oside arrival has always worked.. tides not very low, but there's always tunnel..
 Sigh.. yes.. emailed Sooz.. Tues still good? Pics to friends.. 2nd espresso helped.. sitting here, espressos helped.. something about this spot.. makes everything okay..
+++++
 Sun July 15.18 Coos Hotel 6 8:45pm
 Just back from sushi dinner - wonton soup, rainbow roll - too much - most of roll came home in box.. large hot sake, water, fortune cookies.. stressed and crazy while eating, but feel good now, stroll ~15min through empty depressing sodden Coos Bay - which wants so to be as charming as its name - and I wish it well and have faith.. Frost's The Witch of Coos haunts my peripheral mind..
 What the hell - call into Tue Dept mtg if I can - choose your battles - I have nothing to prove - she wanted to call me, but compromised said I could call in.. so do it.
 This morning ~11am - up north side of Rogue River, stick to main on main road, hard right.. through fog, out left window, I see fucking ocean - WTF? - 7miles back south, back up, earlier hard right, get to small bridge, larger Lobster Creek Bridge.. beautiful area!! OMG - curvy road forests, running fauns, wide river, river bank rock formations, forested mountains, large red boat with ~25 people zipping around, I wave from bridge, they waved back - 1/2 pbj - dried fruits..
 North through small towns.. explore Port Orford, art gallery, Crazy Norwegians cup clam chowder/salmon salad/choc shake - that worked, parked above to digest & view bay, espresso downtown - yum! - junk shop across street, perused Port Orford history book..  Langlois Raincoast Arts Gallery I've been driving past for 20+ years, some decent work.. I'm a judgmental ass.. ego relies on phony sense of being artist - delusions - cruise Bandon Old Town, park by wharf (yawn), get out only at memorial to native people.. okay.. not my people.. but cool.. decide on Coos Bay (30 miles north) for dinner (rather then Mon brunch) - Hotel 6, no fridge?!? Shit.. but my choice not to go back and ask for diff room.. it's all my choice..
 I like that $$ has been set aside all year - no stress over hotels/meals..
 Have some time to hang in Newport..
 Mon: Reedsport, Florence, Yachats, Waldport, Newport.. seal caverns somewhere, Devil's Punchbowl I think.. lots between Coos Bay - Newport.. only ~100 miles.. my mind is not used to this, but all is well - during dinner I was feeling weirder out, stressed, crazy -  toasted several times to all going well - I may not be 'happy' but life is good and everything is okay.. normal life stresses,, deconstructing.. as I relax into vacation brain, stuff that work distracts me from is there.. emptiness, disappointments, broken relationships, isolation, disliking myself for what I can't do etc.. natural,, there's nothing wrong.. I'm human that's all.. a good meal, a soft bed, a good car, money in the bank, people who love me and who I love.. this is all good.. I am happy.. this is as good as it gets..
 9:17.. pot, laptop, TV.. tomorrow I can do whatever I want.. move photos from phone & cam into laptop, uploaded ~6...
+++++
 Sun July 15.18 Motel 6 Gold Beach 10:18am
 Processing - using opportunity of boss inserting her control into my off-time.. Speak with integrity, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, always do your best, etc - her stuff has nothing to do with me, it's about her stuff, her job, her needs - I'd be doing her a favor to call in Tues or Wed. I could call from a payphone so she can't call me back).. Use this opportunity to learn - it's all good. I'm doing great. Didn't eat enough Sat, probably dehydrated, too -
 But pretty painless drive - sleep ~11(?), 2 hits of indica, watch baseball game - nothing much else on.. TV, ugh.. oh but wait, yes, I found Avengers super hero shows - oh, finally something good.. see how my personal prejudices fool me: mock popular culture, TV shows, but comic book action movies are boss! Get down off - or at least be aware of - my need for self aggrandizement / ego feeding. It's all good. We're all just a bunch of morons. Everyone thinks they're cool. Hah hah.
 Anyway - sleep okay I think, some restlessness, but up @8:30.. anxious mind.. probably from hunger and unstructured time.. I'm going to miss something! No.. I'm not. Relax. Enjoy. Smoothie, hotel coffee, went for seconds asked counter lady about drive up river - she says there's a bridge 15miles up I can cross and loop back - perfect! "That's very helpful. Thank you!" Shower, pack, just had mideast salad - that's helping a lot! PBJ for road.
 10:30.. enjoying sitting here.. anything else? Time to head up the river.. yesss.. coolll....
 ~175 miles, 4 hrs, to Newport.. 2 days to do it hahahaha. Perfect... stop everywhere I like.. eat big salads... phone search for mideast / falafel restaurants..
 Was all fogged in - just looked up from photoshopping LisCam nudes - sun out,. cool.. here we go
+++++
 Sat July 14.18 Gold Beach Hotel 6 7:42pm
 Mostly driving, left Oakland ~9, stopped in SR to see Eric for 20-30minutes, dropped off couple Elmore Leonard books and some CBD pot; music from Gil's iPod huge help, few stops, to pee, check grocery stores, look for Mexican clothing place, Paul Bunyan & Blue statues, send phone photos, Native American museum, ice cream cone - hot!..
 Traffic not bad - noticed hotels w/no vacancies in Crescent City, then Brookings.. called Hotel 6 from Brook - thank you phone assistant - held their last room, she called back -~$110 total - no problem! A bit frantic and hungry - sushi breakfast, turkey sandwich lunch, dried fruit, small box from WF hot bar - better go out get more, gas car.. but hey! I'm here - felt better soon as I got into OR.. psychological, but also, less wires, poles, billboards.. yes.. now 2 days to get to Newport, tho I could get there tomorrow and hang out for a day! And Fern Grove close to Parri's town, but that would mean fast drive leaving OR Fri..
 Lv Oceanside Fri 11 am.. 8hrs to Orick? Fern Grove Sat am, Parri in Arcata afternoon.. then either head home, or hotel somewhere, Sun sushi w/Eric.. too much? Probably have to skip Parri unfortunately - couldn't be helped, she wasn't free today.. Probably 2 days to get to Willits Sat - w/quick Arcata visit, Sun Eric -
 Work stuff quickly fading from mind - no worse than it ought to be.
 Cool breeze - jacket, pot, gas car, grocery store for snack food, berries (?).. yes - good start - in a pretty good space mentally, but remember to eat!
 9:50pm
 Chevron for $53 gas (!), grocery store: pudding, crackers/hummus, blueberries, apple, 4mins to south end of town ~8:30, big rocks, rocky beach, good surf - eat crackers/ hummus - that helped! Eat more!! Forgot the pot! Bummer - a slight high would have been nice. Walked in surf, skipped rocks, non-dramatic sunset - cool, windy - but hey! Back towards hotel, u-turn nr driveway, lights on in small decorative bridge towers - drive cross, park in front of dark creepy grocery-type store - walk cross bride - ~1/2mile? If I'd gotten high, prob would not have walked bridge, stretched legs, got the fresh air - seen shit - taken photo inside the lit bridge deco rooms. Note hotels on river - maybe stay some time? Tomorrow? Roads, buildings inland along river - want to explore! Dark dusk, cool - I could stay another night and 'do' Gold Beach - or spend some time here tomorrow morning, explore beaches, drive a few miles up the river? Could, Just saying.
 10:07 - getting tired - bit of pot.. TV.. sleep..
 Long'ish day with a good ending.. gas, food, beach, sunset, bridge walk.. guy at hotel saw Rancho Nicasio jacket, said he'd seen Elvin Bishop there - I said me, too - nice..
+++++
 Sat July 14.18 nm
 Headed to OR - Tue pm did laundry, Fri pm Bowl for fruit, sushi, sandwich etc - hang w/Buff, do most packing, car loading (coats, pillow), sleep rough, woke ~2(?), then prob sleep more than I realized after, feel okay - shower, hair, finished pack, all food, turn fridge down to let ice melt(?), toiletries, mostly Mexican shirts and shorts, sandals, boots, bringing some stuff to leave behind, 2 books, no bike - rent a water boat in Seaside!
 Finished E Leonard's early Big Bounce.. kind of bad, nearly unpublished, but fun now I'm a fan..
 Nomad, coffee and eat sushi box.. now bathroom break and head out shortly.. I have 4.5 days to drive <12 hours.. once I get to Oregon, it will be slow going.. visit small towns, check map for parks, sights etc.. Mon & Tues pm Newport, inland to see Sooz.. Wed Newport to Oceanside.. 9 nights in Oside..8 days.. that'll work..
 Okay.. shit then hit road - got screw-into cup-place phone holder  & cassette adaptor to play Gil's iPod.. if it works .. music makes such a big diff.. but.. free time.. no work.. beautiful coast.. sunsets.. meals.. eat good food when I can.. avoid Chinese.. bad reactions.. look for mideast places..
 Yeah, mideastern meals is new this year.. keep an eye out for falafel places.. my body is not used to crap
 Past the Gil grief body pain.. yay!
 Listened to Laurel Canyon over and over last night. missing Scott touched by sound of voice, compassion which be sings even snarky lyrics..
 Okay.. road time.. :-) 3 days to get to Newport.. hmmm
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 K said she'd considered retiring me $$, I said thank you, generous, can't accept while she is caring for Xo..
 This is life. Cool.
+++++
 Fri July 13.18 nm
 Training this morning; set up for vacation - phone/email - training info to teammates - boss wants me on 'mandatory' dept mtg call Tues.. meh? Standard boss freak out losing control during vacations.
 Sat-Mon to Newport.. 3 days, go slow, visit small towns, coast, stores.. Tue inland & back to visit Sooz.. Wed to Oceanside.. Fern Valley nr Crescent City.. try to visit EOD Sat, stay in Brookings or something? General anxieties about driving, not known where gonns stay, what to do in Oside to avoid sodden boredom.. be brave, be strong, be myself.. breath, relax, eat good food, heal, let my mind and body rest.. last couple years dealing w/friends' illness and deaths.. this year ought to be more.. serene, and more mature..
 Yes babe..
 Lovers like it when I call them 'babe' during sex, during orgasm.. oh, babe.. "You're a great fuck." in right circumstances: perfect compliment.. who doesn't want to be considered a great lover.. I am told my inventiveness is good, willing to try new things, explore what works and doesn't.. well, yes.. who doesn't want to explore an amazing woman's body? Hill, valleys, and hidden chambers. Women tell me I really enjoy women.. well, again, yes.. what is not to enjoy, warmth, responsiveness, moisture, slick lipped valleys fingers thumbs slip into easily, naturally..
 Ok - in early to train.. usually leave Nomad 8:10, home 8:18 to arrive 9, to day I leave ~10mins till 8 to get in 15min early. Bowl last night, sushi for breakfast for training energy.. ate it surreptitiously here at Nomad.
 Getting into vacation mode..
 Thurs did 3 1hr Partner trainings almost back-to-back - began to lose focus on 3rd "Did I already say this?" - but got it done. Good individual contacts. Cool. Yes. Training, teaching. My thing. Nice. Fortunate.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Wed July 11.18 bed 8:50pm
 In early this morning, bed early tonight - since in early, took extra <wk time to do laundry.. come home from vacation to nice clean bed, etc
 Bulk pick up w/Buff - finally got rid of Camry roof rack, and small fridge from side alley - can clean out growth/vines etc now -
 Vacation is tedious, boring, uncomfortable.. alone, with few distractions, you face yourself, adjust to 'Can I live with myself?" perspective; that's only for weeks. Months, year's'd be tougher still - or not. Tough at times, but yeah, sure - that's a challenge I'd like to take on. If I must. No, well, anyway..
 Got high.. bye..
+++++
 Tue July 10.18 nm
 Realize I'm uncertain what days I'm in oside - check at work.. calculate trip home & Sooz visit.. good to have some structure I think..
 Managed two 2hr trainings yesterday - finished E Leonard Western page turner.. now what?
 Hummingbirds, chatting with Biff, arms/knees better after months/years of Losing Gil-related pain..
 Main reason to bring bike to OR is one afternoon in Seaside - rent one instead. Pedal boat?
 Hydrate. Salad, veggies, dried fruit.. relax, luxuriate, showers.. wash clothes, hang to dry on porch.. breath into reality.. be there with it.. stare into abyss.. see sunshine.. breath...
 Trump's got Supreme Court.. we are well and truly fucked.. thanks holier-than-thou progressives... oh, well..
 When did Gil die? Jan 25? WTF
 All my focus on OR now.. don't forget anything.. relax but also do things and enjoy.. move, train ride to Rockaway Beach.. do things, walk, small hit of pot/stroll beach.. eat good food.. my usual life, in beautiful place.. tho I sat in back yard this morning with smoothie, stared out through yard into neighbor's yards see how I'm surrounded by natural beauty.. so much better than ugly expensive boxed apartment.. I am blessed and very fortunate..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Mon July 9.18 nm
 Sun salad lunch, lv for Nicasio ~2:30, ez traffic, sunny/beautiful/lite breeze - v nice. Small/moderate crowd for Peter Rowan's bady - Rowan Bros open extra good - Peter is amazing, his voice and guitar playing. Like a family gathering - old-time some Hank, fewer 60s stoner songs - bit of Salsa swing in Panama Red.. extended Land of Navajo yodeling.. left during No Woman No Cry.. Tired of Marley covers.. 3 margaritas & salmon.. sipped w/3 bottled waters.. careful not to make myself even lightly hungover or groggy this morning - 1 hit of indica.. sleep ~10:30? Woke ~3 to pee.. some restlessness, lots of sleep, came out of dreams, turned over, snuggled back under pillows..
 Beautiful day & location, good BBQ, ez-parking, friendly wait-staff, excellent music intimate backyard.. good time, relaxing, comfortable.. audience loose, friendly, joking in porta-potty line/chair neighbor.. ez drive home.. WF soup/hot meal, sunscreen spray - soup/bread dinner w/Buff back..
 Groggy Monday morning, but otherwise cool.. mentally/physically rested - two 2hr trainings today, navigate lunch between - 12:31-1:01.. have not done 2x in one day before.. bit anxious, but likely to go well..
 Interesting time.. left upper arm & knees feeling better (right weak/tender).. figured 2016-18 weakness/pain was a sign of aging, likely to continue/worsen.. now seems it was related to Gil's long illness/suffering/death.. holding in my grief, trying to be strong/present for them.. Holding it in.. who knows? Guilt about my life being relatively easy, while Sooz & Karen were going through rough times (surgery & post-surgery depression/divorce/losing house).. also, when their lives are rough, I am supporter, and get less support from others..
 .. anyway, maybe things are lightening up.. my body feeling better.. good... yard looking great..  mid-summer..
 Vacation is simply unstructured time... where you in small ways find out who you are without work diving up your time.. driving, arriving, eating, walking, sitting.. filling or not filling one's time.. lots of time online.. distracting oneself with sexy flirting.. memories.. memories.. creative play even.. usually I'd take photos, photoshop @hotel, upload for fb.. lately use only phone for photos.. bring camera.. use it.. yes.. better control..
 Don't lose car keys.. don't be careless.. be alert.. take precautions.. do things I enjoy..
+++++
 Sun July 8.18 nm
 Relaxed morning - feels good.. sleep ~11? - wake ~6:30, snooze/sleep till 8, straight into shower/wash hair, smoothie.. having OR trip so close is nice.. hours by the ocean, that's all - Parri not around so no Arcata, maybe on way home? Google says ~7hrs to Gold's Beach.. can do that with several stops, make good time.. main thing, long day visit Sooz, allow for 3hrs driving - 2 nights in Newport? 4 days on road I think.. says 2hrs from Newport to Oceanside.. work out a loose schedule...
 4 days on road.. 4/12 really.. so..
 Sat Gold beach or whatever..
 Sun Florence
 Mon Newport
 Tues Sooz, Newport
 Wed.. Newport to Oside (9 nights)
 Something like that - some towns I haven't stayed in before.. just have time for Sooz.. maybe that river barge she mentioned..!
 It looks like I leave Oside Thurs am.. which means I could do
 Thurs Coos Bay or something
 Fri Gold Beach
 Sat pm Arcata pm
 Sun Parri breakfast.. home
 Too much scheduling around visiting friends, women? Or is that most important thing I will never regret. Yes. Total looseness can be too much - friends most important. Leave Sat.. 4 days on road.. sometimes book rooms in advance?
 Wondering why I have not received car cassette adaptor & phone holder - realized have not seen emails confirmation - just checked, yep - did not finalize order - out through - maybe receive before Sat?
 Summertime - yes thank you.
 10am - do I eave for Pt Reyes stroll by 11, Nicasio BBQ by 4? or chill here at home, continue enjoying rest/cottage/yard clean so it is nice when I leave/get home. Yeah - this chill is really working for me.. K settling into King's Lynn - that feels good, too.. Sooz better, healing after winter surgery.. ~8months since Mom's death.. healing..
 Morning shower, noticed left arm backward flexibility virtually same as right arm, pain point upper front arm barely noticeable - tender if fingers hard into spot.. so was this all about months, years of knowing Gil was dying? Maybe.. fear.. anxiety.. survivable.. life is still good in spite of it..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Home to eat - Bowl for week's groceries.. clean cottage.. lv for Nicasio ~2:30?
 Oregon, trick is balance sluggish chill inward do-nothing, with exploring/fun stuff/healthy eating.. did it last year.. whatever.. bring blender and small grill...
 --home-- 1pm
 Uploading random to tumblr blog: Noted variety of models: White, Jewish, Mexican, Chinese, Korean, Philippine - tall, short - slender; fair enough - visible bone structure, flesh stretches between catches light - concave, not convex.. young - 20s - as was I. Also note that, newest being ~1993 - 25yrs ago: I'm no longer concerned so much about privacy - no one would likely see these, recognize them now in their 50s. Time passes. Anyway - they are beautiful posed art shots, not private or erotic/personal. Time passes.

+++++
 Sat July 7.18 II bed 9:30pm
 ~1pm head to Bank, stop @La Pena crowded sidewalk event - Frida Birthday? - lots of booths, lots of Frida, pretty Hispanic girls, buy a Frida painter skeleton in box for $45 - I think I like it. Bank for $300,  - hot day! feeling good, relaxed, clear, rested - wk training lined up, vacation coming up - getting some serenity? - Steve Ditko just died; memories of his art - Spiderman, & esp Dr. Strange - lately I've been enjoying fb comic book groups - connected - a loss - value of pop culture - imagination ; North Berk PEET's for Mocha smoothie on steps of Quaker place I went to AA (for how long - I sometimes think 2-3 years - was it?)- ; Sushi place closed, Saul's crowded, book store.. - chicken enchilada/watermelon aqua in alley place, sit on porch - nice! Lovely day - cool breeze softened heat - still a sweaty day.
 Downtown - comic book store & 1/2 priced books - drooled a little over Taschen collection of Tank Girl artist Hewlit (sp?) - 2 Elmore Leonards(!) from 1/2 Price. It's fun having favorite authors, being excited when finding a new book - 'cause you know it's going to be fun! (Loaned one to Buff.) Bowl for salad, soup, deodorant, Forgot eggs!
 At home.. nice heavy relaxing dreamy nap for ~30mins. Nice relaxing summer day. Eat room-temperature, spicy Vietnamese catfish rice soup in backyard & read more of Leonard's Last Stand western in back yard - never read in backyard - must be a good sign - plus I was at a really tense stand-off scene and had to know.
 With my GT photo getting fb ad attention, causing a relaxed mini-GT reunion on fb, and Madonna tweeting etc Frida with gun - I'm enjoying pleasant attention.
+++++
 Sat July 7.18 nm
 <wk Fri laundry - mentally tilting toward OR vacation in one week - get clothes clean now - bring bike? I think yes - even if only 1 or 2 uses, in Seaside.. 4 days is a long time to be on the road - there will be boredom.. that's okay..
 Thought maybe Santa Rosa today - I'd like to see Eric & have a sit down meal, but very hot, needing rest before this last training-heavy week before OR.. I could justify if I was going to Sonoma then back for meal, but..
 .. sleep ~10:45.. woke ~6:30.. back to sleep/snooze comfy till 10am! So, rest.. yes.. inconsistency/lack of transparency/sharing at work causes uncertainty/anxiety.. stay away from it.. act on what I know.. it has always been this way, from Taf on down at least.. slow to share pertinent info.. change what I can (do my best), accept what I can't change.. 'twas always thus.. enjoy.. be happy, yes - even at work!
 Last Stand Elmore Leonard western very fun so far!
 Madonna Instagramed/tweeted Frida with gun.. I'm probably crazy not to at least sell cards/fridge magnets.. signed prints.. make a few thousand in the limited target base..
 Noon.. no plans today.. hang, chill.. $$ from bank.. eggs from Farm Mkt.. relax and enjoy.. put aside one whole day for Sooz visit..
 Took a timer selfie in training room, sent to L.. I am not skinny at all, maybe not "Fat", but husky, a big guy..  okay.
 Anything else..? nooo.. quick shower at home.. bank fm mkt.. eat! Nice of day to chill yes..
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today.
 Oh - and Sun afternoon Peter Rowan B-day BBQ - take it easy on drinks! 2x I've woken up next day not 100% energetic/brain-powered - treat myself well, have this last post-vacation week go smoothly - so I can start OR vacation on good foot.. 16 days w/no work.. um, yes!
+++++
 Fri July 6.18 nm
 Thurs pm Restless/tense before training - as is often case - tho it's easy 2hr CORE, so why? Standing in front of people? Yeah, not 100% comfy.. whatever.. Bowl after wk for berries, sushi (for pre-training), salad - $50 sushi dinner downtown, ate slow, chilled, breath.. 'sleep' ~10:15.. up ~3-4am(?), then more sleep.. not as good as an all-night 7hrs, but enough.. when I think of it as something I enjoy/can be happy about, it's better... just.. people! brr-r-r-r-.. :-D Once I am in 'role' of trainer, I relax - that I can do. Get admin out of the way - focus on job as trainer.
 Mon 2 2hr trainings AM & PM.. 4hrs is okay..
 Sat meal in SR w/Eric
 Sun Peter Rowan bday BBQ @Nicasio..
 ah, so yes.. all the things I wanted/want - yard, friends, skylight, life in order - car, bills, savings.. all good, not how I expected! Of course not! But got it all - fulfilled wishes are pleasant.. sex is the big problem, ultimate desire, and there's no way (most of us) will ever get enough.. as early Berkeley joker man said,
 "The more you fuck, the more you want to fuck!" So anxiety about that, etc - normal, unavoidable. It's okay.. we are built to survive not getting all pleasure and sex we want..
 But there's no value in beating ourselves up over stuff that doesn't matter...
 Mental anticipation/prep for training affecting sleep - take more time to get it all together at work, so I can leave it there. Last night just 1 hit of the new indica - 2-3his I was waking up groggy..
 Finished Chitlin Circuit book, gave to Marketing friend Peter R, who appreciates rock music.. picked out E Leonard western novel.. fun!
 Breath. Relax. I like touching *s pussy. Tempted sometimes to pay  a girl to let me touch her.. but without love, it's kinda useless and painful. Some part of pleasure of nude photography was touching a girl - with: eyes, ears, pheromones, control (money, vocals commands), occasional fingertip adjustments - so yeah, maybe, and safe - no emotion, no lies - that part was understood at some level; model also was in on that enjoyment, being seen, treated like art, told how to pose, enjoyed in naked non-sexual innocence - what was it |
 "Usually if one is naked with another person it is for sex; to be naked with another person to make art is a rare, unique pleasure."
 Cool fun.
 Up @6:30, wank, smoothie in backyard, shower, Nomad morning coffee/internet, decent shit, work. 8:07am.
+++++
 Thu July 5.18 nm
 Wed was fun.. kind of floppy, stoned sleep.. but got some.. beautiful day, bit of bad air from Yolo fires.. hit the yard late morning..
 Mostly chop back sidewalk stuff to free up space.. cut back pretty far, but looks good, not hacked at.. tidy.. filled green bin.. Buff/DJ came out, showed them recent additions (Zinnias, mini-pumpkins), suggested we water less (cucumber leaves turning yellow), showed how mini-red rose had gotten taller (has been hidden by lower buffacado foliage), took red solar lights off buffacado (where they barely showed), placed them in side path, strung in trees, wrapped around side gate.. (checked them last night, they look very cool!).
 Quick nap ~2, shower, salad - lv ~3 for Nicasio zydeco show.. more impressed this time.. it's a dance party, so it's good time dance music - not gut-bucket authentic bla bla - Mike (of the front counter) sang a couple and rocked!, and Bob's wife sang a few - good times.. yeah, 1st set was good, 2nd set they took off further.. 2 top shelf margaritas, 2 bottled waters, pulled pork & salmon combo.. dropped by car during break (?) for 1 hit of indica to see how that went.. seemed fine, barely noticed.. chatted with folks behind me etc.. when I arrived I'd poked around for various places to slip into, but it was crowded, some made noise about having gotten there early.. Angela placed me in front of 2 women who were cool about it.. later in the day, near the end, a RN worked woman told me "Angela said we should just hold a place for you (since we know you're going to come)" - aww.. benefits of being a regular, who obviously loves the place and spends my hard-earned $$ there..
 IMs w/niece Lisa between sets - she in Napa, might need a recommendation from me for job.. video clip to LJ.. many little contacts I'm barely aware of that fill the cracks and are real life - between the wake -up, shit, shower, shine, job, eat, sleep... ha ha..
 Yard looking good.. leave side weed-whacking for Buff - July 12 big pick up for small fridge next to cottage and Sooz's roof rack in pathway..
 Cleared out books/clothes previously.. CD drawer next.. anything beneath bed can go out? I know Hi-8 videos/screen need to get from beneath book shelf to beneath bed.. but I don't do it.. hmp..
 Okay.. nice mid-week break July 4 holiday..
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Wed July 4.18 nm
 "nite - think about me while you play with the V ;-P *"
 "Maybe--have to concentrate too much--wait--I did the last time. Just remembered. I couldn't tell you."
 Saved conv Chrissie Cata July 2012.. 6yrs ago almost to day. Can't pick it to pieces, one reason, one event - vacation. Our reconnect was part of whole life facebook, my photos, dealing with strong sexual feelings in reconnects, how to deal honestly but respectfully, connected to Frida w/gun.. which cam first? Dunno. Doesn't matter.. life goes one, happening while we make other plans.. this breath nomad chair typing.. life.. all around.. within, without..
 From the early, early mornin' till the early, early night
 You can see miss Molly rockin' at the house of blue light.
 Not necessary to be too hard on oneself - 'course Mom&Dad were w/their religion, things mattered - everything mattered! - their eternal souls were at stake.. words.. like folk wisdom: live like this is your last day, but plan for long life. Maybe there is no God or afterlife, but to live like there is gives focus.
 “Depend upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.” Sam Johnson
 But once the child sees through the lie - the use of foolery with such a serious subject - trust is forever damaged.
 Reconnect with Chrissie went well, one might say. After initial caution - worked through teenage pain/sexuality/confusion - to adult comfort, understanding, sharing, flirting, generating to creative. communicative, humorous healing energy. We both got to work through so much, made her life better - brought in some light - before she died Jan 2013.
 Reconnect w/Pat Kolirak not as well - or - one might say - perfectly -; we got to look at it, was not correct, as in 71-72. , I was slower to get it, she not interested as I'd hoped in first down pant leg orgasm during our tight hugging on concrete Coffee House steps winter waiting for Mom - she said 'nope! to me and my ideas'. I respected that. Good, disappeared. No regrets.
 LynRos - UCD - much more intense.. in end I was not interested in physical consummation, mostly fulfillment via titillation/controlled space/wish fulfillment . Disappointment on her end - slowly I learn, words matter. Intense sexual shares. Long macro videos.
 Also Lindie from UCD.. G's girl.. rebound.. my kindness & memories of 1980 sexual vibes misunderstood as present interest - I thought I should be open to it - but needed to learn not to be too open when there's so much uncertainty/physical/cultural distance.
 Mainly I did not build ego on these shares/reconnects - I was happy for healing.
 Anyway... Tues 6hr wk day.. today free.. perhaps some yard work, afternoon BBQ Zyedgo..
 Phone chat w/Sooz last night,, we both tired.. talk about Karen's move to KL - local bird activity, yards, music etc - plan visit ~3rd/4th day of OR trip in 2 weeks..
 Budget in decent shape.. extra $$ from Mom/Dad, couple K from GT pic, 3 paycheck June.. being less generous in general... ~82 actual.. 77 post-predictable expenses - ~90 EOY, 23 PTOs, use 10 for OR, earn 10 more by EOY.
 Good to sit, stew/soak in memories - what comes to mind - is it real? Was real to me.
 Sinking into quiet time, quiet working class life.. all good. I'm a good fit. Do not hate myself for things I am not. Love myself for doing well as best Robert I know how.
 Home.. yard needs attention.. I need to pay attention to yard..
 Last night, 2x new pot - pretty dopey (?), had colored lights going and blue lamp.. drop out ~10:30.. too doped to get up turn out lights.. ~1-2am finally did it.. slept well overall till 7.. super chill..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Do I want a woman's attention - maybe yes/no - but note examples listed above - I learned to watch out for need for female/sexual/mothering attention, and hesitate when I see myself about to play that card. Good. Learning. Not an asshole.
+++++
 Mon July 2.18 nm
 Yellow glow yesterday morning ash on cars last night - fires in Yolo county.
 Spent much of afternoon in bed, internet, napped - errands/yard tidy done Sat, a day off to chill - nice! Popped 1/2 Viagra just because it was there.. yep.. random erections during day.. put another nose strip on last night (after one last week with lots of gunk!), very little pulled out - which just goes to show..
 ~5 downtown to same Shattuck sushi as Sat afternoon - which seems to have gotten better? - Salmon teriyaki, sake & flaming fire roll.. actually on fire for ~5-10mins.. that was fun.. trying new things.. tasty & warm! 1/2 Priced books & choc gelato.. because I wanted to..
 Weekends for getting away from work, letting mind go.. inevitable stress of work/boss/church/parents/father issues.. getting high.. can't be on work mode all time...
 Woke ~3am stressed - some kind of 'caught in affair' stress dream, chastised by annoyed lover - "you're going to be heard", with work stress dream - don't recall details - woke thinking I'd been awoken by something is real life.. noisy raccoons on roof? Two specific stress points.. alongside general low-key "what ifs" everyone deals with.. all quiet on the Nuria front..
 I guess all employees kept on edge, fear of failing at job.. required to do something they can't, pushed beyond capabilities, Peter Principle.. 'reach highest level of incompetence'? that's what I'm feeling.. normal.. does not mean anything is wrong.. just doing admin organization I have to learn, that does not come naturally.. it's okay. I do my job well; learning new stuff pretty quickly.
+++++
 Sun July 1.18 nm
 Sleep ~11pm - woke ~8am weird overcast yellow glow, similar to Sat dusk.. heat wave bad air? A bit dream-like - tried the new India last night - did not note much high, but maybe more than I realized.. Buff said it got him plenty high (we chatted in backyard late afternoon, and he asked for a hit)..
 Asian hardware for goggles, whacker string, light bulbs - put whacker together, it works - kind of intense w/out protector hood, gets job done..
 Rent check taped to back window.. 570.. 350 20yrs ago when I first moved in.
 10:17am - can do anything - head north for meal with Eric.. or yard work/more cottage cleaning. Drive might be okay, see Eric? Chill also okay. Hmmm... head home, eat, then think... could even run over to Nicasio for afternoon show (Blues Broads/Sons of Soul Revivers) tho I am not thrilled by idea.. good to have options, in case feel need for activity..
 Getting rid of large ceramic abalone shell; chopped Ficus, that grew large, back to leafless stump.. I expect it'll grow out.. planted three plants in front yard: Australian bush w/pretty red flowers, sage where old sage was, mini-pumpkins in front of cucumbers.
 Okay. Home. Eat.
 Papen + West wall.

+++++
 Sat Jun 30.18 II
 Good day so far
 Worked front yard late morning: cleared out dried day-lilies (salmon flowers), raked, chopped back buffacado tree, pulled lots of Bermuda grass, watered, weeded, esp around roses etc.. nice, looks great! Water back. IMs w/K at party/day of move to KL. Bank deposit @2K GT/FB check, $300 cash; Telegraph/People's Park - on way pass memory spot, church where I slept w/out sleeping bag, Adrienne's place, how I moved in too soon 1st night back from Boston, her cute ass, standing with her back to me and me in bed not getting hard at sight - like I thought a man should - wishing it was that easy and fun; drop off 4 shirts @ Park - guy on bike right there grabbed heavy green one; Farm Mkt - big immigration rally, got perfect parking cnr of Mkt, 2 dozen eggs/basket of raspberries/3 fun plants for front yard; back to Telegraph, Peet's mocha frap - it's a hot one! - good parking all day, walking past the homeless hostiles around park - Moe's, rare books top floor - sit in staircase trying to get a photo -
 - hungry! Shattuck sushi place - salmon teriyaki/dragon roll/soup & cold sake - did the trick - wanted more alcohol, stop at rock club on corner - Cornerstone? - almost looked like fun - small!! Full bar! Decided not to drink more - yuck. Bowl for salad.
 Now check weed whacker for size, back to hardware store for key copy, sponge, plastic weed hacker string & protective eye goggles.
 I note that office/work politics not distracting me from doing what I want, making progress, taking care of my life & friends, having fun/good luck. Therefore it is not a big deal.
+++++
 Sat Jun 30.18 nm
 nice beautiful morning, woke up bit cranky physically anxious - smoothie in backyard bird songs hummingbirds in tree limbs - because no dinner? that's okay - but yes, hungry - that's all - eat -
 small things today: sponges, copy front house backdoor key, deposit $2K GT/FB check... visit Port Costa - 35mins away.. just for something to do? or, get new plastic wire for weed whacker and whack away..
 time to take off dad's wedding ring? yeah
 Walking stick in trunk
 get rid of work neg scanner?
 keep getting rid of cottage stuff - I have too much - erase dry/erase board.. lose more shirts unworn for years.. more CDs gone... get rid of big abalone shell, and wall hanging (?) bought in Occidental while sugared up..
 out.. simplify..
 9:18.. let's go
 Thought about JB this morning, tried to call up sexual memories, at all, for wank - but no - one-off brief bathroom suck, mostly failed attempts/massages/showers.. all good, but not hot sex not at all, I was so painfully frustrated, so fiercely attracted, but it was not meant to be.. we were never meant to be a couple.. my desires overshot our compatibilities.. normal - N&J threesome at gig house bedroom in which I am studly still works.. no, with JB it was never fleshy love like with JAA with whom all things were available to exploration.. JB was friendship with a few benefits (mostly nudity, massage, modeling, cuddling) - I only hurt/confuse myself (as I did then) to think it was ever more than friendship that slipped into sexual-tinged playfulness, which - as Shalini noted - is a bad idea.. we were young, that's what goes.. no whining here please.. had good times, for a while were good friends.. remember good.. out with bad.. inseparable.. indistinguishable.. times, learning..
 JAA '80

+++++
 Fri Jun 29.18 7:18pm laundry
 Check arrived for GT/fb photo.. $2,000, so ~1,300 <tax,, .. ~1,500 <tax more to come. Haha! as Gui said, photo making us more than anyone made in band.! Made a few grand off the Frida/Patti pic, too.. okay. It's a pretty cool, good experience.. appreciate my luck, for myself, for Karen & Xo (some Frida $ went to them), and for rest of GT members. I told them a bit..
 "I got more on the initial payment -
  before I had a chance to think about it, I took what they offered -
  after that I insisted on more $$ and that everyone get equal amount"
  and
 "and tho I 'created the photo' it was a group effort,
  and that's how I'm approaching the compensation"
 Good to put that out there I suppose - sine they may have assumed I was getting more. Since it's a group effort, and we're a team of sorts - fair to be transparent, let them know how I view it. Clarity avoids resentments, no matter how minor.
 Getting big CORE training at work together - all spread of info done by Mon: get on staffing D-List, TV ads, email to whole office, Conf Rooms booked through Aug, etc. Did a 1hr solo today with IT expert - fun, he very appreciative.
 Karen moved to King's Lynn with Xo today. Big move!! WTF. Wow.
 Toy wooden kitchen sink/cupboards on way home.. new backyard deco.
 Called internet places - who holds website and domain name - got that paid up.
 Now I'll have food, laundry done, bills, rent & cc's paid, 3 paycheck month and an extra paycheck's worth for GT pic. Be happy. Enjoy, celebrate life's little moments of being okay. Okay? Okay. Very nice.
+++++
 Fri Jun 29.18 nm
 I type up a paragraph of work-related stuff, hone/edit - delete.. good to put it down, not record it :-D
 Letting go, not hanging onto resentments..
 Thu <wk Bowl for berries, 2 salads, pudding, hemp milk, etc - eat salad, bed ~9, 3 hits high-CBD, Godzilla clips, sleep ~10:15-5:30.. snooze till 6:30.. feel okay..
 Payday, in past might give xtra 3-payday month check to K&Xo.. she is pushing back.. I'm keeping more, and think I'm seeing it in my savings.. growing.. don't remember.. close to 90 EOY? Whatever - cc's paid off, no debts, low rent, cool cottage, yard & housemates.. was feeling post-WEF isolation worries, better now.. settling into my usual low-key quiet life.. recalling that excitement comes at a cost.. that this is good!
 Yay. Love. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Every day I suppose it's an affirmation that this life is good; difficult people (e.g., at wk) does not change that.
 Meal with Eric this weekend.. Sonoma coast first?
 Short week - 6hr day Tues, Wed July 4 off.. Mon probably real quiet?.. well, jobs from EMEA.. ?
 This weekend.. laundry? Groceries? Yard work - might be good to do a huge weeding! Trimming with spinning wheel thing.. hedges out front..
 8am.. lv in 10mins.. lv cottage 8:20, arrive ~wk 8:55.. 35min commute.. reading Chitlin Circuit book, checking out music in youtube.. fun stuff! Having a Little Richard moment - obsessed.. I begin to get it..
 I notice I've stopped putting naked ladies in here.. a good sign.. settling down..
+++++
 Thu Jun 28.18 nm
 Early to wk Wed for call, <wk Plough burger/beer/A's game, Matt Piucci comes in - been talking about meeting for years (?), nice long chat, some of it heavy of course, Gil-related mainly, joining Rain Parade, benefit concert in NC, MQ saying Gil was changed by random eye-busting attack which, at 1st thought, seems correct -, Photo Bob on album cover, what Gil said about Matt - those 2 shared some sort of thing that neither understood - brothers of different mothers - ,things needed to be said and heard. Probably a lot of us who Gil loved had hesitations, because he gave love to so many - need to hear what he said privately - that some were, not loved more than others, but were.. variously special and appreciated.
 So that happened. Needed to happen obviously - both ready - 1.5yrs after Gil died - time.
 No BBQ music this weekend.. SR meal? New guy taking over big new-hire training week before vacation; makes me think I will be doing vacation. Plan for it. 4 days to get to Oside if I want; 3.5 days to get home. Visit Sooz.
 Sleep last night n~10:15..? Woke - checked.. ~3am.. ~4.5hrs.. then snooze/doze/sleep till 6:30.. now I check when I wake up to see what's up.. 2.5 beers - worried, so 2 big glasses of water, 1/3 of WF chicken burrito, 1 Advil.. seem okay, just a bit groggy - eat something at work before late morning training.
 Okay.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Protect my mental and psychic space. I'm good.
+++++
 Tue Jun 26.18 nm
 @Wk:  dept hrs 7-6:00pm.. no more evening hours.. interesting.. global network? No one told us (didn't tell the Sun guy), we all learned from SF office email, which was unclear/lacked details - like new dept hours. Poorly done. So there's now 5 of us ~8-6 M-F.. there won't be enough work, unless - and I assume they do - have something in mind, like we take global jobs.
 Sleeping pretty well, ~10:30-6:30, tho usually awake ~5.
 Nice backyard chat w/Buff/DJ, returned from OR seeing perfect great-grandson.
 Yard looking well - scruffy - needs serious weeding..
 And.. I'm in delicate transition from: things happening, things to look forward to - Blues fest, WEF... to quiet times.. reminding myself that quiet times are desirable.. that when work was getting crazy, after Mom died and I was having trouble dealing, I yearned for quiet serenity.,. nothing happening.. this is reality too.. quiet times with little action, not much socializing is also reality.. there is no other.. grass is always greener etc.. this is good. Don't worry. Be happy. Through year it was nice to have something to look forward to. Now is just quiet - and that is good. I like quiet. Breath into the quiet.
 Inhale. Exhale. Chill.
 New pot very mild, but I think I detect painkilling/body relaxing CBD effect. And am sleeping through night. If it's psychological, I'll take it.
 Chitlin Circuit book really good!
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Mon did 3hr training in 90 mins with mixed group of new hires, lots of questions/interaction/eye contact, laughs, intro, got to most everything, applause at end.
 Thinking/fantasizing about *, nice morning erection, wank. Good.
 Love the morning light in cottage.
 Put vid cam/ screen/wires/remote under bed - I want 90s hi-8 videos to have value - over weekend, realized, maybe they don't, not to me, not to anyone else. Oh. Dang.
+++++
 Mon Jun 25.18 nm
 Sun - and Sat - tidied cottage/yard etc - feels good -
 Sun ~2:30 lv for Nicasio Beatles BBQ, bring bag of books, health wrist thing, cascading water thing, ~7pairs of 1.5 reading glasses - lv on book shelf.. seen Sun Kings ~4x so not *exciting*, but entertaining, certain songs - Guitar Gently Weeps, I Am The Walrus, Little Help From My Friends - were exciting, beautiful.. 2 sipped marguerites with bottled water, chicken.. dance a bit to Back In The USSR.. yes.. good time.. cool marine layer came in 1/2 way through..
 Stop @WF sushi breakfast (for today before unusual 1.5hr training), burrito - dispensary for 2 grams of hi-CBD indica - had one hit to test - not strong, slept from ~10:30-6:00, reasonable - could have spent another hour in bed, up @7:30, but decided to have this time, alone, at Nomad, which I value..
 Yard looks good.. cottage looks cleaned up, fewer wires, more visibility, less anxiety-creating papers by side of bed.. better, yes..  cool.. I did it for me, taking control of my environment give some more control over life, mental processes, etc. It is not something to do to 'improve' myself, prep for work, to get time back from work.. it is tidying my garden plain and simple.. so that I can relax, thrive, be fulfilled.. yes.. fundamental foundation settled organically..
 Quiet.. quiet.. feeling a bit isolated and alone.. post WEF?.. K moving don't hardly hear nothing.. E an hr away, weekly calls from Sooz.. lack of Mom calls is part of it.. (large breath/sigh)..
 Oh well, we all do what we can.. overall this is good, I am healthy, mostly happy, secure in home & job, enjoy garden, friends, etc.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sun Jun 24.18 nm
 Slept okay - restless pm, sleep ~11:30-7'ish w/snoozing till 8..
 Sat: Nomad breakfast, pasted 80 erect hippie photo into Frida painting pic, sent to a few...

 - Water yard - 3" stick insect crawled out of succulent hedge/photos to fb - , clip this/that, -
 - bank for cash/quarters, FarmMkt strawberries/raspberries, eggs, gas up/car wash inside-out (mold re-appeared), organize back seat floor, toss old clothes/shoes from trunk, carwash guy made me put movie projector back in trunk, Rockridge Mexican place for lunch - drove neighborhoods, thought about Big Shot Sue Drapela, wanted to explain effect of drugs I was experimenting with on my behavior - , explore Rockridge storefronts > Piedmont for revisit/reading glasses (6 cheap 2.0 pair.. less powerful useless), Peets for mocha smoothie, several 'junk' antique shops, drive past 1st apt w/Shelley, then Wayne Quitney apt, behind a fence now, recognizing street names from 1975-6..
 - home, re-tape headlight cover, cull car tapes, keep ~20 inside car/rest bagged in trunk, Amazon for new tape/connector for iPod/phone holder stuck in cup holder, Rockridge sushi dinner, light so late.. Buff/DJ in OR..
 Nothing to do, lots done, including visiting various neighborhoods with memories.. hot sunny beautiful summer day..
 Combine JAA pics into montage to clear from folder, check fb, must've unfriended her - fine - she knows how to reach me, it's a dry well, my motives for staying in touch/ wanting contact questionable.
 Misplace front house key.. hmm.. getting used to no Sunday calls with Mom.. sad tho..
 Beatles cover band at Nicasio this afternoon.. plan to tidy cottage beforehand.. stronger pot from dispensary? Current is useless.. bed clothes tossed around last 2 mornings..
 Life is good. I'm good. I have value. I assert my value at work.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Post-parent perspective is positive, empowering, strong and joyful if I can see it.
 1980

 Later: Same day 1pm cottage
 Move laptop stuff onto storage, including Mek sexy pics/videos, dig into phone/Google - no longer store photo from phone onto Google storage.
 Water/weed yard again, empty bins, go through bedside papers, toss, put in pile for filing, etc, wank, lunch salad, shower/wash hair, re-make bed, wrap/store Nan's quilt - one-quilt weather; vacuum, beat small rug, bag ~10books for Nicasio, also ~6 pairs 1.50 reading glasses, cheap fitbit watch, re-tape Dad's gold-covered box - about tossed it last night - hit metal bin w/loud bang! Which I took as - no - Mom's voice in my head: I took it, I keep it - it meant something to Dad. Bedside now for in/out stuff.
 Dishes done, bins emptied, papers organized, tossing some stuff, car washed/gassed, tried to organize wires by bed - need ties to reduce sprawl.
 Wire ties. All these little things I care for to make my life more fun and easy. Nothing to do with work. My life. Breath. Yes.
+++++
 Sat Jun 23.18 nm
 Slept all night.. had time at wk to prep for next week training so can relax.. DJ/Buff in OR 4-days, good to have time alone on the property.. load of laundry ;last night.. sleep ~10:30? Up ~7, stayed in bed till 8:30.. so.. yes..
 I know this.. procrastination creates anxiety affects sleep as mind prepares for thing needs doing..
 Watered back yard, flushed 3" stick bug out of Mexican succulent 'hedge'..
 Keeping in touch w/Tessa (Nan's daughter) who had appendix out right after arriving in CA..
 Considered SR/Eric meal - sounds good, but not hours driving.. feels like day to chill at home, work yard cottage Tilden etc.. take it east, Farm Mkt strawberries, eggs, plants.. sat quietly in back yard last night.. cool evening, long days..
 Yes yes clean cottage, wipe down stove top, weed pile of papers on bed ledge.. lots to do if I care to :-) nice to have the choice/time.. all mine today is..
 Beautiful sunny day..
 Life is sweet.
+++++
 Fri Jun 22.18 nm
 Maybe slept better last night.. ~6hr avg.. morning moment of happiness - ork can be rough, Mom & Gil dead, I can still be happy -.. work coming together, had The Talk w/ new boss, should be better going forward..
 Message: my POV deserves respect.. I know it.. got real positive feedback on my training/knowledge etc
 Longest day.. 3 weeks till vacation.. 2 weeks in Oregon.. DJ/Buff in OR for long weekend, watch house, small laundry..
 Maybe sushi w/Eric Sat
 Finished Mr. Paradise (E Leonard), started Chitlin Circuit book..
 All good.. new tumblr just for my photos - all nudes till now - roberttorenphotographer.. why not? Setting up for potential self-promotion if I retire.. pipe dream.. fantasy.. Etsy..
 Still no payment for GT fb video photo.. email today..
 Body good.. knee a bit weak, but not bad.. so weird, the mind..
 9-5:30 works fine.. up 6:30, shower/smoothie, Nomad 7-8:10.. work..
+++++
 Wed Jun 20.18 nm
 Up 6:30 every day, wk @9.. not sleeping well after initial few hours (?).. weary but functional, working class.. still.. work on mental state before going to bed.. warm milk? Meditation?
 Nice chat w/tired Sooz.. she looking better... she was glad to hear it.. getting over post-surgery mental/physical depression..
 Only Wed.. bah! haha - reading, enjoying nature & live music on weekends, typical working class life.. reading on train.. eating healthy.. everyone sleepy... am wank thinking about Beth C sitting on face, learning about sex, coming JAA's ass..
 ...what was I thinking? Sending JAA stills from 8mm 1980 sex movie.. I did try to explain clearly what I was planning to send.. but 2 strips of 3 cocksucking stills? I was anxious to share sexual memories with her.. hoping she'd say 'We had some good times!" Maybe she'd forgot  - could be! She did not know I had it, back then she wanted it, I kept it because it would have hurt too much to not ever see it again. I think her response was a bit shocked, wanted to make sure they were not online in anyway associated with her name.. in that regard she is perfectly safe.. except perhaps for them being in emails to her... but I had mentioned that before! I sent them.. anyway.. no harm donw, but have not heard form her much since.. so.. done.. still, I hold onto contact, tho I think - and she knows - she is a bit nuts.
 Breath....
+++++
 Tue Jun 19.18 nm
 Getting up @6:30 regardless of sleep.. shower/smoothie easy 20mins.. doing 10:30 to 3-4am?.. not enough REM sleep, enough to do job.. want enough to feel rested !
 Did a nose cleaning sticky strip.. got a forest of tiny pore towers.. satisfying..
 Living without dreams, fantasies, tribal connections, illusions of youth is a natural life change.. find good..
 "You become what you resist. It is not personal."
 Overcast.. longest days of year now.. normally I'd be in OR around now.. those long days cruising here and there are pretty cool - boring, sometimes lonely, etc.. but.. edges of free time lets mind go places.. this year.. dunno yet.. maybe last 2 weeks of July, unless I'm needed.. teammates getting trained for hours, sharing info from CHI, not telling me what's going on.. fine.. been here before.. never hurt me when that's how they want to play it.. show up on time every day, do my job.. no one is complaining about my work or training I do.. 'complaints' are about minor things.. harsh tone is for such minor things - usually misunderstandings, or things I could not have known.., obviously it has nothing to do with me, does not reflect upon my work.. it's her trip, not mine.. don't attempt to stop her going where she wants.. I become what I resist..
 If I do go to OR last 2 weeks of July, that might be very cool yes.. I sigh in anticipation.. time off yes..
+++++
 Mon Jun 18.18 nm
 "You become what you resist. It is not personal."
 9-5:30 every day now going forward. Big work changes, along with big ppt tool/training changes stressful of course.. relax mush as possible - anxiety is result of fear of failure.
 Sun lv ~noon for Olampoli - fairly easy drive, sunny day.. felt almost no connection/nostalgia for my past there.. 40 years.. 1977-78 worked dig there.. I was.. 23'ish.. got to college late.. started Laney winter of '76.. Olampoli dig summers of '77-'78. ~24 when I got to Davis. Lovely day tho, pbj on drive, salad in big bowl in parking lot, stroll usual loop - throw rocks into stream targets, testing hand-eye-brain-distance-body-trust.. lizards.. one tiny, skinny black snake.. lush green, knee okay just small soreness..
 ~3 head to Nicasio, that lovely drive, arrive ~4, packed, park in spot by baseball field.. low chair in aisle.. first all guitar band good (loud!), salmon BBQ, 2 margaritas & bottled waters.. Elvin Bishop band good, didn't matter at all I saw them just last week in Gville...
 Low & a bit stressed all day.. felt better when music distracted.. that's what it does.. the 'live'-er, louder, funnier the better.. life in just generally stressful, what with dying and such.. don't lay all my stress on daddy issues/bosses.. economic system stressing me out - life -, not individuals in system.. it is not personal.. do not resist.. don't passive aggressive analyze try to outthink it.. it doesn't work.. The System says "Work, or starve, or die without health insurance." It does not think, or debate. Work or die.
 Nu (Mex/Ital artist) ria & I exchanged thoughts.. been very quiet, both working a lot, early heat cooled of months ago.. there's nowhere to go.. we not going to be lovers/fall in love etc - fantasies were always fantasies,,, fun.. but.. anyway.. escapism, for a while I was minor celebrity, viral Frida montage, Scott photos being used, my nudes on private facebook page.. without being cruel or cold we acknowledge "it" is over.. we can still chat share etc but daily helloes prob over.. okay.. I like her & her art..
  Almost 8.. lv ~8:15.. see if I get to work @9.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Sun Jun 17.18 nm
 General anxiety this morning - changes at work naturally stressful, & anxiety causes mild depression/fear - really it's small stuff (compared to say health issues) there is no genuine threat of losing livelihood - breath, breath.. let go.. if plan to do Olampoli/BBQ stressful, skip Olampoli, relax at home--but fresh air stroll, back roads cruise sounds good! Life is good. My life is real cool.
 If I died right now, people, friends could say: he had good friends, loved/supported his god-daughter, was grateful to her mother for honoring his love, did his best with Family relations, had a job he enjoyed, had some success and 'fame' with his photography/photoshop - esp Frida with gun - enjoyed gardening, created w wonderful yard space, was generous with friends in need, enjoyed nature hikes, biking, reading, music, dancing, live music festivals & summer BBQs, did not drink (to excess) or smoke, sushi!, funny/clever, after DUI got his act in order - years in AA, worked to be a good employee - , appreciated his Alma Mater, visited one long weekend /year for music/arts festival, appreciated opportunity to train at his job (after being told for years he'd be good at it), did his best at work and with friends, despite being introvert tried to avoid isolating, ate healthy, did his best to be present with dying friends (Gil) Mother, Father, keeps eye on budget, tries new things, very grateful for kindness from friends, quality time on coast..
 See? I'm not just 'not screwing up', I'm doing well.
 Front yard looks good, base of food plants turned over, watered, fertilized.. zinnias in a row.. Sat ~6 Rockridge sushi boat - hungry! -2 large hot sakes,, ordered cooked salmon plate, they forgot, I said 'no prob, but never mind gotta go', chef made me a quick hot salmon sushi - really good! Yum.
 Created new tumblr for my photos, esp old nudes.
 Happy Godfather's day on fb from K, goodbye photos of UK back yard, please come take furniture.. move in 2 weeks..
 10am.. home shower, hit road with salad, Olampoli - grateful that knee feeling better - give new boss a break, cut her slack, do not take it operationally she treats everyone same, then music and food in Nicasio Valley.. cool..
 2009

+++++
 Sat Jun 16.18 nm
 Fri <wk big laundry, getting rid of old clothes, reading E Leonard's Mr. Paradise.. waiting for plot to settle then you realize you're halfway through - that is EL's style - sleep ~10:30-8am, rollercoaster videos, versions of Puccini's Nessun Dorma from Turandot.. coffee & breakfast sandwich at Nomad -
 Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ, today I'm thinking Olampoli & backroads drive, maybe a small hit of pot.. groceries.. bills paid
 Next week start 9-5:30 every day
 K packing to move to King's Lynn, big pick up early July to get rid of old small fridge & Camry roof rack
 Tasted first raspberry from front yard - yummy sweet! - helping cucumber tendrils find cage, tomatoes look happy!
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. This is a good life. My life is good. No complaints.
 Noticing the naked ladies in this here 'blog' - public diary - whatever the fuck it is.. it's the good weather.
 I am feeling a little lonely/isolated right now - Sooz busy in OR w/her life/unhappiness/health, K busy moving/E troubles, Buff is a bright spot when we see each other, Mexican artist N is a light touch - it is slowed down and quiet.. there's not much social life, and almost none here in town.. sad if I think about it.. but common.. I cherish what exists because of that..  yet this seems to be my (and many others') nature, I vaunt to be alone..
 II
 Boy gloomy all day - from jelly beans sugar before sleep? If a cranky boss is my biggest concern in life, then I have no complaints - it's a quality problem, I have a job. So focus on the good, count my blessings.
 Decided on Olampoli tomorrow, backroads to BBQ - sounds great! Farm Mkt, lunch, asked Spiral garden guy about fruit trees (Myers lemons/blood orange), they need fertilizer 4x/yr! "They eat a lot!" Went got some, also several of those amazing flowers(?) used to have in front, stopped at Bowl for salads, bananas, raspberries, just weeded, planted, massaged fertilizer into all fruit plants front/back, extra water: blueberries, raspberries, cucumbers, tomatoes, strawberries - now sit back and watch patiently. Beautiful day.

+++++
 Thu Jun 14.18 nm
 grr, cranky.. offered to cancel summer vacation mid-July so as not to inconveniencies training/dept...
 Starting Mon 9-5:30.. I'll miss late mornings, but not bad, not like 8am in. All good. It's a job. Do not resist. Getting high praise for upgrade trainings - counts for a lot - high visibility, appreciation for my flexibility (scheduling and timing) - all good. Visited Summer interns w/questions, seemed happy to see me - I connected with them. Fun.
 Blue fest memory morning sitting on hillock overlooking river & trees with old friend.. the best..
 Karen moving to King's Lynn, Xo freaking out, me sending love, Blue helping out.. E in Scotland.. damn...
 Looked at finances, looking good, 3 paycheck month, I think Blues fest cost less than anticipated/cushion.. cc's paid up.. cash in car.. everything good in that regard..
 Misplaced BBQ tickets, called company, they re-sent.. cool - I have ticket for sold-out Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ and many others..
 Use mortality/sadness/human condition to encourage myself to enjoy time I have.. help others.. I think I do..
 Curious/bored downloaded Mamabliss obscene snuff comics again.. scanned before sleep.. is that why sleep was rough, sweaty? - because I hate them.. ugly.. nightmarish.. yet nudity appeals.. no more.. I knew it, but curiosity got better of me..
 That's better, a pretty photo of a pretty girl I liked who liked me.. Eric's house of sin haha..

+++++
 Wed Jun 13.18 nm
 1st day back from River music fest, rough back at wk, but got through it, 2 trainings - 1 spontaneous 1hr w/top team & Partner/Director who all loved it, Director personally picked up my lunch falafel, brought it to me. Yay. I think to remain healthy - physically & mentally, I need to go to work, do my best, come home, lv work at work best possible - I will not be able to get everything done in a timely fashion; but make a bullet list, prioritize, work through them.
 Starting both days at back hillock overlooking river before music started.. sunny, but not too hot in early June (as it can be in Sept) very very nice, simply sitting quietly enjoying moment and company, anticipation.... going into town for sushi lunches, checking golf course (closed).. cool...
 Wk boss asked us for phone #s home address - address seems a bit intrusive - but, look at reality - if I want to work there I have to obey requests from boss - boss is boss - boss has to do what her boss says, upwards, onwards forever - so just do it - no whining, no passive-aggressive delays - if it becomes intrusive etc, then push back, but choose my battles wisely. Things were loose and sloppy under Taf - which had its own downside - now more like a real job.
 Right knee feels much better after relaxing getaway weekend - going up and down stairs like crazy. Nice.
 Salad dinner, sit with Buff in backyard chairs chatting - blue and red lights on cottage - very nice - bed early - ~10-7:30...
 I again have misplaced Rancho Nicasio tickets - don't know if I have one for this Sun's sold-out Elvin Bishop BBQ - look, and look online to see if I have account list.
 4-day week.
 1 month till 2 week OR vacation. Not too late to cancel.
 Being an artist is great!

+++++
 Mon Jun 11.18 gville cottage 9:50am
 Eric split ~30mins ago - chilling - showered, breakfasted, mostly packed.. beautiful morning.. work stress, but less - boss barely n mind.. all bosses have bosses have bosses have bosses, & shit runs downhill - just how it is.. there is no other world.. get used to it..
 Work asks you to do too much - like asking for 55mph  but know you'll go 65.. so long as I'm doing my best, I can take pride in my work.
 Yes, 4-day vacation.. with friends - 9th year! Cool. Some good, some not so - always a good refreshing time to remember what's important: friendship, relaxation, music, nature's beauty..
 ~1.5 beers Sat - pop music.. meh.. checked putt-putt golf, closed! Owner died? For sale? Nice walk tho - perfect weather all weekend! Eric & I have a comfortable flow. Front row seats - "Swag bag" (poster, free local newspaper) and hanging neck thing - lanyard? - was bullshit - we joked about it at front table, but front row seats at far left were actually kinda nice.
 Sun started good, snuck into sitting area behind wine garden, comfy chairs watching river - pretty Australian black slacks/white blouse playing rock blues w/good bar band - then Elvin Bishop threesome did some excellent blues, like his playing/guitar tone/himself, got up close yes makes a difference seeing his hands - after got a tshirt and awkward handshake. Taj Majal - 1.5 beers for him - so good! Transcendent - they were enjoying themselves, didn't want to stop, but oh, my yes he is son damn good. Outdoors, cool breeze, all guitar - blue sky - being close yes. Stepped out for sushi lunch.
 Those two sort of blew us out - Robert Cray is good, is a bit Pop/Blues - Eric Burdon /Animals did all his hits, can still sing - We Got To Get Out Of This Place great song.. Deanne Franklin setting up Burdon's monitors - called out her name - "I'm Photo Robert!" - we blew each other kisses - she looks good - seeing Burdon like seeing Mount Rushmore.. we stayed far back on a grassy hill - most all of it too loud for our old ears - we liked the old guys doing old Blues - Elvin Bishop & Taj Mahal brought it home - they have real folk history in their playing.
 Watched Deadwoods at night - ate plenty - kept beer to minimum.. 2.5 for me Sun, a beer or two makes dancing easier - but poured out last half during Burdon's set.. why bother. Not into intoxication for its own sake.
 Cheeping bird snacking on my breakfast tray on the porch.
 So.. 9th year! 2010 our first at Dawn Ranch. 2011 this cottage. 2012 Cowboy/Indian cottage.
 This weekend started with me feeling pretty down.. parents dead (Mom died ~6mos ago, and still missing Gil) - mortality in my face, makes us mammals sad - mild depression caused by work anxiety, asking for more than possible - failure unavoidable. Yeah but - still - don't stress small stuff. Do my best, and I'm okay. My health is good - so long as you have your health, you're okay. Knees were tender but fine all weekend & slept well - 7hrs/night. Had some mocha energy drinks from hippie store.
 I will adjust. I'll be okay. Everyone has to deal with the sadness/meanness (said Mom) of death/own mortality - it's a new way. I can still be happy. Mom was depressed, loved calls from her children. I'm sad about Gil, his network binds closer together for support. This is a good life - all lacking is immortality :-D. One must get on with it. There is no hope, no solution. Acceptance is key.
 Big questions about the human condition we all must face.
 Yeah? Yeah. Nice.
 ~1980 when I'd switched major from painting to photo? 10:30 - into town for espresso, hippie store for chocolate drinks - what to eat? Down coast, inland at Tomales to backroads maybe... nice.. free day which I earned.. sitting here, in the last hour of cottage is nice.. good shower this morning.. even the hotel coffee tasted good.. :-)

+++++
 Sat Jun 9.18 gville am
 Johnson beach party today - next year back to Jazz/Blues weekend.
 Left ~noon Fri, some bad traffic  - no rush, comfy car & music helped.. stop at fruit stand for smoothie stuff etc.. gville ~2? So good to be here, beautiful, almost cried with relief - made it... nap/sleep till ~4 Eric arrive - into town for dinner, but hadn't eaten & lasagna is not really nutritious - had my 1st Moscow Mule - yummy! Walk over to beach, through gate, flat area w/comfy cool chairs by wine garden, sit chill listen to sound check echoing off forest valley hills...
 Sleep well I think ~11-6.. up 8, motel bkft, smoothies w/Eric.. quiet relaxed.. bumming a bit on work stress/impossibility of working 2 full-time jobs - it did not stop me from getting her, having fun, living my life, all of us are in same boat - coffee eggs/bagel helped.. if a bit of food helps, then it's no big deal - We hear sound checking in distance..
 Okay.. check out this scene...
+++++
 Fri Jun 8.18 nm
 Ahh - 4 day weekend, cottage in gville, music fests by river.. thank you Karen for connoting me to Buff, DJ & cottage - thanks all around for life, leisure, lessons, job, family, schooling, etc.
 After wk Fri just chill @hm, salad dinner, cheese/bread snack.. sleep ~11, sleep deep/well till ~7, feel refreshed.. smoothie, weed front sidewalk trying to make succulent bed - some are 'taking' - Fri took care of everything at work: phone, email, respond to training requests etc - Fri afternoon training went well I think. Yes.
 Having all - not only work - bills, laundry, yard, etc - taken care of, now on cruise.. but engaged, not escapist.. 4+ days to chill.. nice time span.. this is a nice moment.. I earned it, deserve it, work/planned for it, including taking a chance to invite friend Eric.. yes... lovely cool sunny morning..
 pack shower water yard.. don't forget anything.. tickets, blender, clothes, chargers, toiletries, pot pipe (if I even smoke at all) - food from Safeway.. Stop for cash on way out of town.. Uber cc from drawer (been leaving it at home as backup in case lose wallet)..  body feels good - took Ibuprofen last night..
 Read "statistic" - only ~20% over 65 working full time? Or was it 20% work 'gig' jobs? To supplement Social Security, or to supplement full-time jobs? Nah - just researched more - they try to cushion it a bit, but hard fact is you work till you die - healthcare is expensive, finding a new job after 55 is hard.. even part-time..  just hang onto this job long as I can.. then deal with whatever life hands you.. it's kind of scary -
 .. but right now is good - tomorrow never comes... yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream..
 Today, here, now - all is good, and next few days should be relaxing and fun.. up to me to bring good attitude.. not river, or music, or friend or anything.. me.. bring good attitude..
 Bucket list.. woman to touch? Gotta be love comfort trust. When it comes.. the wait was worth it. Thank god the the quality love I have.
 9:20 - home now.. shower pack.. lv before noon. Casual.
 Looking for an opportunity to beat system, to not have to work, to act out rebellious teen fantasies - back then when we do that we are just a big pain in the ass till life kicks us enough we learn our lesson, if we're lucky.. hoping to do that as adults is plain foolishness, delusional  - reality is we have to work to eat, live, see doctor.. urge to rebel escape run remains,, but acting on it no viable.
 It's early June.. last 2 weeks of July I am out of here... that will cause ;problems at work. Should I consider cancelling summer vacation? Not too late - cancel cottage and try for later in summer? Think on it. I miscalculated. Thought we'd be further along by now.
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 Thur Jun.7.18 nm
 It's been all work, eat, sleep for work so not much blogging this week . . . organizing/doing trainings.. yikes! Feedback from trainings good, small 2.3% cost-of-living increase -
 Fri-Mon off - Sat Johnson Beach celebration party, Sun Blues fest.. Elvin Bishop, Taj Majal, Eric Burdon, Robert Cray.. looking forward to cottage, redwoods, river, Eric's company - friend! - old friends... yay...  gold... rest/relaxation/fun with an events nearby.. cool.. maybe no alcohol Sat, why bother with one beer? Feeling good over all more important then 2-3hours of alcohol-fueled 'excitement', loudness, attention-seeking, etc. weather looks to be good.
 It's not where I am, it's where I'm at. Be in a good space in Gville. Don't count on the event/location to lift me up.
 This morning: door latch jammed - oh, fly-swatter handle jammed in it.. then, rolled a lemon down street, swung arm, whipped jacket pocket full of quarters into my upper lip.. ow! Bleeding a little.. ow! Nothing like smack in mouth to wake on up! A bit depressing.. I want to be good and relaxed.. but life does what it will.. don't detach, don't disengage.. relax, yeah, but stay engaged with life..
 ..otherwise you miss little things, like fly swatter door jams and pockets full of quarters.. damn! ow! yeah.. be engaged.. fear not.. fearless..
 Stopped at Plough for beer, Tue pm for burger & beer.. been stopping at Plough after work for 1 IPA and/or food.. watch it.. but for now, okay.
 A bit anxious last night, will I sleep?, I said yeah, relaxed, waited till I was physically tired.. seemed to have barely moved from 10:45-6:45.. nice. Sleep.
 K moving end of month.
 Drawing a blank - everything is okay - roof, bed, food, savings, car - bills paid - no debt - credit cards paid (just now) - tech okay (phone/laptop etc) - cut back on daily facebook posts - just finished (Cuba Libre / Elmore Leonard), not Dark Thirty, from L, scary black folk tales - yard great: tomatoes, strawberries, avocados, cucumbers, raspberries ( a few), blueberries - tiger lilies - chairs to sit under overhanging trumpet flowers with red and blue solar powered lights - yes, this is good - if I am 'unhappy' is it just life, aging, mortality - but really this is very very good. A certain amount of misery is normal. Religion is a glorious misery?
 Tomorrow I'll be in Gville - and I will still just be me. Whoever that is. Self-image - keep good care and protect it. Valuable. No one can damage it if I don't let them.

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 Sun Jun 3.18 laundry 7:08pm
 So.. after Fri evening weirdness, post-work stress Plough pizza 2 IPAs pass out under covers in work clothes.. slep ~9-10hrs
 Sat in weird head space.. I have always feared not being able to do my job, so have tried to excel in other things - training, photos, photoshop, networking, helping.. now I must face that original fear, sink or swim. Based on good annual review, I'm fine. Current overload is global, no particular pressure on me to do impossible.
 Sat showered, ate, biked to Telegraph, People's Park World Music Fest.. bit out-of-it mentally - maybe I wanted to stone loose mental day, a fuck it relaxed fuck it day - qawwali music pretty darned good, saw/avoided Janis Owen who I knew way back when, have avoided since, not 100% sure why, probably unrequited lust resentment - borderline depressed/hungry stepped away for salmon teriyaki/large sake, back for reggae - danced a lot, enjoyable - cool! Mali music next - Telegraph pub in La Fiesta bldg. They were good! I had 3 tequila drinks, chatted with strangers, danced swayed grooved. Bought 2 CDs, chatted with main guy, filmed part of one song that river-tranced me out - said to other dancer - "That took me there." She agreed. South Berkeley is scummy, yet there you go; it was there for scummy me when I needed it in 73.
 Biked home, stopped at WF for berries, pudding, bananas, eggs, Pt Reyes travel food, etc.
 Sleep ~11 - ? - after pudding cups, up ~6:30, stayed in dream bed sleeping till ~9am. Catching up on sleep. And also having alone Robert time.
 Strong impulse for Reyes - a little scummy from the drinks (don't do that next week!!) - concerned about knees but did it - brought turkey sandwich, falafel balls with hummus, dried figs, walking stick - lv ~11 - stop to shower - no sense strolling/ hiking feeling scummy - Nicasio for mocha drink, tootsie pops, hello to counter guy, art book from shelf -
 - short 5-mile stroll: Meadow > Sky > Mt Wittenberg - w/side stroll off peak to sit/relax nr horse trail w/nice view of Limantour - lovely perfect day, not too hot, clear blue skies, light breeze, birds, lizards - mind full of work stress - but as always, might as well do it in a beautiful place.
 It's not about her - it's about work being overloaded. That helps. Not boss's job to be sympathetic.
 This is a nice life - having a weekend w/free music, drive to Marin for Reyes hikes, plenty to eat etc.
 Adjusting to life with romance of life gone - Hello death!. Friends - some are okay - but K & Sooz having rough times.
 Figure get laundry done, so ready to leave Fri morning For music, cottage weekend. Nice.
 It's dry!
 Almost 8.. can sleep in tomorrow. There is only one thing bad in my life right now worrying me - work being hard and stressful - that is all working class peeps' dilemmas  - no complaining - hack it out, get it done. No moping. Be a positive force. 
 Okay? Okay.
 Yes, thank you be good today.
 Music, dance, I biked/hiked - that should be cause for celebration! a month ago I thought those two activities were past; laundry done, yard watered, deco lights arranged, car gassed, food in fridge - next weekend music friend to look forward to. Thank you. Yes.
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 Sat Jun 2.18 nm
 Fri tired after work - Plough pizza, 2 IPAs, As on TV, bands sound checking - home, ~8:30 under covers clothed for 'nap' - wake ~6:30 surprised to see work clothes, lots of dreams, cottage door open - wank - snoozed till ~7:30?
 The bigger job company gets, more global rules apply - for everyone! -, less freedom, more oversight, more admin, less fun, coloring outside lines etc - everyone more stressed during transition - I got praise/approval for improvising/ proactive stuff - those days are past - adapt to new strictness. Coolio. Training has become more stressful - much more this summer - get it done, hack it out. It's not my fault people find the training module boring - I did not create it.
 Help to me accept things I cannot change, change what I can, wisdom to know difference.
 Found Liara Roux Int'l escort pics again - she does cute sexy tease thing well - not enough for me to pay, but enough for online searches to find what I can for free.
 Berkeley world music fest today, and Shattuck closed? Maybe Reyes tomorrow.
 Okay - that was weird about Plough, 2 IPAs, pizza, pass out/sleep in work clothes - maybe did not want to go home to cottage feeling anxious about work, depressed about emptiness of life outside work (?) - no - I think more, discussing situation w/co-workers, depressed me about borderline bullying from above. Feeling trapped. I keep thinking, must have approval for harsh approach, but no - Interruptions, refusal to listen, impatient, threats, always stopping just short of actionable bullying. Not personal; consistently treats everyone beneath her same. Lastly - if action's resulting effects on people are same as effect of bullying - what's difference? Reasons called excuses. Harshness called bullying. Fair enough. Had an incompetent lazy boss. Now a competent sociopath. Yikes. hahahah
 Okay - 10am - 2 espressos & breakfast bagel - home for smoothie - then free time free time - yard, music.. whatever I like - nice.
 Next Sat/Sun Guerneville beach party/Blues fest w/Eric - Fri-Mon - good to have 4-day vacation. 3.5 days in cottage redwood grove by river. Yay.
 I see upcoming 65 as end of work - it is not - I can if I want - Social Security & Medicare - but that's not reality. Get over it. We work till we die. Bosses are annoying pricks/ thorns - but they are not fatal
 Liara Roux international escort and now porn model. It's the haircut.
 --- watered yard, long stakes in tomato cage, we got raspberries!, working/watered succulents in sidewalk bed, fixed bricks beneath backyard fence chair, re-arranged red lights in backyard datura.. copied phone pics onto laptop, them all new pics etc onto backup. My stuff. Tend to my garden.
 2 birds chirp at me close-up, follow me to front yard - what do they want!?

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 Thu May 31.18 nm
 Wk: People out, calling in sick, super busy globally, not experienced enough to do job & no time to train them properly, too much going on, trying to do our jobs & also train upgrade - we knew it'd be bouncy. We must use our best judgment, be allowed to make mistakes. I'm fine - improvising finally - setting up trainings without dotting every 'i'. Boss lady seems to be easing off a bit? Sees I'm not fighting? Sees might be easier working together without antagonism?  See what happens.
 Long days, nice weather, birds in backyard - sat w/Buff a while last night chatting - been a while - been depressed about Gil & Mom. Come up from under it.
 Nice having hour or so to sit/chill, private Robert time Nomad stage/throne, metal frame black stretchy seating chair.. but an hour diff is slight.
 S'all.. a nice relaxed life..
 May it last.
 But prepare for hard times. Losing Gil & Mom are not anomalies - death is normal - the family is what it is - there is no other nor better.
 Is what it is.
 yes. Thank you. Be good today. Stayed in bed till body was ready to get up. Nice.
 This weekend..? Try a hike/stroll? Slow down - puts less 'bounce' on knees when I stroll vs. my usual fast walk.
 1 week till 1st Russian River music party fest. Relaxation and enjoyment. COol.

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