Mon Jun 17.18 nm
"You become what you resist. It is not personal."
9-5:30 every day now going forward. Big work changes, along with big ppt
tool/training changes stressful of course.. relax mush as possible -
anxiety is result of fear of failure.
Sun lv ~noon for Olampoli - fairly easy drive, sunny day.. felt
almost no connection/nostalgia for my past there.. 40 years..
1977-78 worked dig there.. I was.. 23'ish.. got to college late..
started Laney winter of '76.. Olampoli dig summers of '77-'78. ~24
when I got to Davis. Lovely day tho, pbj on drive, salad in big bowl
in parking lot, stroll usual loop - throw rocks into stream targets,
testing hand-eye-brain-distance-body-trust.. lizards.. one tiny,
skinny black snake.. lush green, knee okay just small soreness..
~3 head to Nicasio, that lovely drive, arrive ~4, packed, park in spot by
baseball field.. low chair in aisle.. first all guitar band good
(loud!), salmon BBQ, 2 margaritas & bottled waters.. Elvin Bishop
band good, didn't matter at all I saw them just last week in
Low & a bit stressed all day.. felt better when music distracted.. that's
what it does.. the 'live'-er, louder, funnier the better.. life in
just generally stressful, what with dying and such.. don't lay all
my stress on daddy issues/bosses.. economic system stressing me
out - life -, not individuals in system.. it is not personal..
do not resist.. don't passive aggressive analyze try to outthink
it.. it doesn't work.. The System says "Work, or starve, or
die without health insurance." It does not think, or debate. Work or
Nu (Mex/Ital artist) ria & I exchanged thoughts.. been very quiet, both
working a lot, early heat cooled of months ago.. there's nowhere to
go.. we not going to be lovers/fall in love etc - fantasies were
always fantasies,,, fun.. but.. anyway.. escapism, for a while I was
minor celebrity, viral Frida montage, Scott photos being used, my
nudes on private facebook page.. without being cruel or cold we
acknowledge "it" is over.. we can still chat share etc but daily
helloes prob over.. okay.. I like her & her art..
Almost 8.. lv ~8:15.. see if I get to work @9.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Sun Jun 16.18 nm
General anxiety this morning - changes at work naturally stressful, &
anxiety causes mild depression/fear - really it's small stuff
(compared to say health issues) there is no genuine threat of losing
livelihood - breath, breath.. let go.. if plan to do Olampoli/BBQ
stressful, skip Olampoli, relax at home--but fresh air stroll, back
roads cruise sounds good! Life is good. My life is real cool.
If I died right now, people, friends could say: he had good friends,
loved/supported his god-daughter, was grateful to her
mother for honoring his love, did his best with Family
relations, had a job he enjoyed, had some success and 'fame'
with his photography/photoshop - esp Frida with gun -
enjoyed gardening, created w wonderful yard space, was
generous with friends in need, enjoyed nature hikes,
biking, reading, music, dancing, live
music festivals & summer BBQs, did not drink (to excess) or
smoke, sushi!, funny/clever, after DUI got his act in
order - years in AA, worked to be a good employee - ,
appreciated his Alma Mater, visited one long weekend
/year for music/arts festival, appreciated opportunity to train
at his job (after being told for years he'd be good at it), did his
best at work and with friends, despite being introvert tried to
avoid isolating, ate healthy, did his best to be
present with dying friends (Gil) Mother, Father, keeps eye on
budget, tries new things, very grateful for
kindness from friends, quality time on coast..
See? I'm not just 'not screwing up', I'm doing well.
Front yard looks good, base of food plants turned over, watered,
fertilized.. zinnias in a row.. Sat ~6 Rockridge sushi boat -
hungry! -2 large hot sakes,, ordered cooked salmon plate, they
forgot, I said 'no prob, but never mind gotta go', chef made me a
quick hot salmon sushi - really good! Yum.
Created new tumblr for my photos, esp old nudes.
Happy Godfather's day on fb from K, goodbye photos of UK back yard, please
come take furniture.. move in 2 weeks..
10am.. home shower, hit road with salad, Olampoli - grateful that knee
feeling better - give new boss a break, cut her slack, do not take
it operationally she treats everyone same, then music and food in
Nicasio Valley.. cool..
Sat Jun 15.18 nm
Fri <wk big laundry, getting rid of old clothes, reading E
Leonard's Mr. Paradise.. waiting for plot to settle then you realize
you're halfway through - that is EL's style - sleep ~10:30-8am,
rollercoaster videos, versions of Puccini's Nessun Dorma from
Turandot.. coffee & breakfast sandwich at Nomad -
Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ, today I'm thinking Olampoli & backroads
drive, maybe a small hit of pot.. groceries.. bills paid
Next week start 9-5:30 every day
K packing to move to King's Lynn, big pick up early July to get rid of old
small fridge & Camry roof rack
Tasted first raspberry from front yard - yummy sweet! - helping cucumber
tendrils find cage, tomatoes look happy!
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. This is a good life. My life is good. No
Noticing the naked ladies in this here 'blog' - public diary - whatever
the fuck it is.. it's the good weather.
I am feeling a little lonely/isolated right now - Sooz busy in OR w/her
life/unhappiness/health, K busy moving/E troubles, Buff is a bright
spot when we see each other, Mexican artist N is a light touch - it
is slowed down and quiet.. there's not much social life, and almost
none here in town.. sad if I think about it.. but common.. I cherish
what exists because of that.. yet this seems to be my (and
many others') nature, I vaunt to be alone..
Boy gloomy all day - from jelly beans sugar before sleep? If a cranky boss
is my biggest concern in life, then I have no complaints - it's a
quality problem, I have a job. So focus on the good, count my
Decided on Olampoli tomorrow, backroads to BBQ - sounds great! Farm Mkt,
lunch, asked Spiral garden guy about fruit trees (Myers lemons/blood
orange), they need fertilizer 4x/yr! "They eat a lot!" Went
got some, also several of those amazing flowers(?) used to have in
front, stopped at Bowl for salads, bananas, raspberries, just
weeded, planted, massaged fertilizer into all fruit plants
front/back, extra water: blueberries, raspberries, cucumbers,
tomatoes, strawberries - now sit back and watch patiently. Beautiful
Thu Jun 13.18 nm
grr, cranky.. offered to cancel summer vacation mid-July so as not to
Starting Mon 9-5:30.. I'll miss late mornings, but not bad, not
like 8am in. All good. It's a job. Do not resist. Getting high
praise for upgrade trainings - counts for a lot - high visibility,
appreciation for my flexibility (scheduling and timing) - all good.
Visited Summer interns w/questions, seemed happy to see me - I
connected with them. Fun.
Blue fest memory morning sitting on hillock overlooking river & trees with
old friend.. the best..
Karen moving to King's Lynn, Xo freaking out, me sending love, Blue
helping out.. E in Scotland.. damn...
Looked at finances, looking good, 3 paycheck month, I think Blues fest
cost less than anticipated/cushion.. cc's paid up.. cash in car..
everything good in that regard..
Misplaced BBQ tickets, called company, they re-sent.. cool - I have ticket
for sold-out Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ and many others..
Use mortality/sadness/human condition to encourage myself to enjoy time I
have.. help others.. I think I do..
Curious/bored downloaded Mamabliss obscene snuff comics again.. scanned
before sleep.. is that why sleep was rough, sweaty? - because I hate
them.. ugly.. nightmarish.. yet nudity appeals.. no more.. I
knew it, but curiosity got better of me..
That's better, a pretty photo of a pretty girl I liked who liked me..
Eric's house of sin haha..
Wed Jun 12.18 nm
1st day back from River music fest, rough back at wk, but got through it,
2 trainings - 1 spontaneous 1hr w/top team & Partner/Director who
all loved it, Director personally picked up my lunch falafel,
brought it to me. Yay. I think to remain healthy - physically &
mentally, I need to go to work, do my best, come home, lv work at
work best possible - I will not be able to get everything done in a
timely fashion; but make a bullet list, prioritize, work through
Starting both days at back hillock overlooking river before music
started.. sunny, but not too hot in early June (as it can be in
Sept) very very nice, simply sitting quietly enjoying moment and
company, anticipation.... going into town for sushi lunches,
checking golf course (closed).. cool...
Wk boss asked us for phone #s home address - address seems a bit intrusive
- but, look at reality - if I want to work there I have to obey
requests from boss - boss is boss - boss has to do what her boss
says, upwards, onwards forever - so just do it - no whining, no
passive-aggressive delays - if it becomes intrusive etc, then push
back, but choose my battles wisely. Things were loose and sloppy
under Taf - which had its own downside - now more like a real job.
Right knee feels much better after relaxing getaway weekend - going up and
down stairs like crazy. Nice.
Salad dinner, sit with Buff in backyard chairs chatting - blue and red
lights on cottage - very nice - bed early - ~10-7:30...
I again have misplaced Rancho Nicasio tickets - don't know if I have one
for this Sun's sold-out Elvin Bishop BBQ - look, and look
online to see if I have account list.
1 month till 2 week OR vacation. Not too late to cancel.
Being an artist is great!
Mon Jun 10.18 gville cottage 9:50am
Eric split ~30mins ago - chilling - showered, breakfasted, mostly packed..
beautiful morning.. work stress, but less - boss barely n mind.. all
bosses have bosses have bosses have bosses, & shit runs downhill -
just how it is.. there is no other world.. get used to it..
Work asks you to do too much - like asking for 55mph but know you'll
go 65.. so long as I'm doing my best, I can take pride in my work.
Yes, 4-day vacation.. with friends - 9th year! Cool. Some good, some not
so - always a good refreshing time to remember what's important:
friendship, relaxation, music, nature's beauty..
~1.5 beers Sat - pop music.. meh.. checked putt-putt golf, closed!
Owner died? For sale? Nice walk tho - perfect weather all weekend!
Eric & I have a comfortable flow. Front row seats - "Swag bag"
(poster, free local newspaper) and hanging neck thing - lanyard? -
was bullshit - we joked about it at front table, but front row seats
at far left were actually kinda nice.
Sun started good, snuck into sitting area behind wine garden, comfy
chairs watching river - pretty Australian black slacks/white blouse
playing rock blues w/good bar band - then Elvin Bishop
threesome did some excellent blues, like his playing/guitar
tone/himself, got up close yes makes a difference seeing his hands -
after got a tshirt and awkward handshake. Taj Majal - 1.5 beers for
him - so good! Transcendent - they were enjoying themselves, didn't
want to stop, but oh, my yes he is son damn good. Outdoors, cool
breeze, all guitar - blue sky - being close yes. Stepped out for
Those two sort of blew us out - Robert Cray is good, is a bit Pop/Blues -
Eric Burdon /Animals did all his hits, can still sing - We Got To
Get Out Of This Place great song.. Deanne Franklin setting up
Burdon's monitors - called out her name - "I'm Photo Robert!" - we
blew each other kisses - she looks good - seeing Burdon like seeing
Mount Rushmore.. we stayed far back on a grassy hill - most all of
it too loud for our old ears - we liked the old guys doing old Blues
- Elvin Bishop & Taj Mahal brought it home - they have real folk
history in their playing.
Watched Deadwoods at night - ate plenty - kept beer to minimum.. 2.5 for
me Sun, a beer or two makes dancing easier - but poured out
last half during Burdon's set.. why bother. Not into intoxication
for its own sake.
Cheeping bird snacking on my breakfast tray on the porch.
So.. 9th year! 2010 our first at Dawn Ranch. 2011 this cottage. 2012
This weekend started with me feeling pretty down.. parents dead (Mom died
~6mos ago, and still missing Gil) - mortality in my face, makes us
mammals sad - mild depression caused by work anxiety, asking for
more than possible - failure unavoidable. Yeah but - still - don't
stress small stuff. Do my best, and I'm okay. My health is good - so
long as you have your health, you're okay. Knees were tender but
fine all weekend & slept well - 7hrs/night. Had some mocha energy
drinks from hippie store.
I will adjust. I'll be okay. Everyone has to deal with the
sadness/meanness (said Mom) of death/own mortality - it's a new way.
I can still be happy. Mom was depressed, loved calls from her
children. I'm sad about Gil, his network binds closer together for
support. This is a good life - all lacking is immortality :-D. One
must get on with it. There is no hope, no solution. Acceptance is
Big questions about the human condition we all must face.
Yeah? Yeah. Nice.
~1980 when I'd switched major from painting to photo? 10:30 - into town
for espresso, hippie store for chocolate drinks - what to eat? Down
coast, inland at Tomales to backroads maybe... nice.. free day which
I earned.. sitting here, in the last hour of cottage is nice.. good
shower this morning.. even the hotel coffee tasted good.. :-)
Sat Jun 9.18 gville am
Johnson beach party today - next year back to Jazz/Blues weekend.
Left ~noon Fri, some bad traffic - no rush, comfy car & music
helped.. stop at fruit stand for smoothie stuff etc.. gville ~2? So
good to be here, beautiful, almost cried with relief - made it...
nap/sleep till ~4 Eric arrive - into town for dinner, but hadn't
eaten & lasagna is not really nutritious - had my 1st Moscow Mule -
yummy! Walk over to beach, through gate, flat area w/comfy cool
chairs by wine garden, sit chill listen to sound check echoing off
forest valley hills...
Sleep well I think ~11-6.. up 8, motel bkft, smoothies w/Eric.. quiet
relaxed.. bumming a bit on work stress/impossibility of working 2
full-time jobs - it did not stop me from getting her, having fun,
living my life, all of us are in same boat - coffee eggs/bagel
helped.. if a bit of food helps, then it's no big deal - We hear
sound checking in distance..
Okay.. check out this scene...
Fri Jun 8.18 nm
Ahh - 4 day weekend, cottage in gville, music fests by river.. thank you
Karen for connoting me to Buff, DJ & cottage - thanks all around for
life, leisure, lessons, job, family, schooling, etc.
After wk Fri just chill @hm, salad dinner, cheese/bread snack..
sleep ~11, sleep deep/well till ~7, feel refreshed.. smoothie, weed
front sidewalk trying to make succulent bed - some are 'taking' -
Fri took care of everything at work: phone, email, respond to
training requests etc - Fri afternoon training went well I
Having all - not only work - bills, laundry, yard, etc - taken care of,
now on cruise.. but engaged, not escapist.. 4+
days to chill.. nice time span.. this is a nice moment.. I earned
it, deserve it, work/planned for it, including taking a chance to
invite friend Eric.. yes... lovely cool sunny morning..
pack shower water yard.. don't forget anything.. tickets, blender,
clothes, chargers, toiletries, pot pipe (if I even smoke at all) -
food from Safeway.. Stop for cash on way out of town.. Uber cc from
drawer (been leaving it at home as backup in case lose wallet)..
body feels good - took Ibuprofen last night..
Read "statistic" - only ~20% over 65 working full time? Or was it 20% work
'gig' jobs? To supplement Social Security, or to supplement
full-time jobs? Nah - just researched more - they try to cushion it
a bit, but hard fact is you work till you die - healthcare is
expensive, finding a new job after 55 is hard.. even part-time..
just hang onto this job long as I can.. then deal with whatever life
hands you.. it's kind of scary -
.. but right now is good - tomorrow never comes... yesterday is a memory,
tomorrow is a dream..
Today, here, now - all is good, and next few days should be relaxing and
fun.. up to me to bring good attitude.. not river, or music, or
friend or anything.. me.. bring good attitude..
Bucket list.. woman to touch? Gotta be love comfort trust. When it comes..
the wait was worth it. Thank god the the quality love I have.
9:20 - home now.. shower pack.. lv before noon. Casual.
Looking for an opportunity to beat system, to not have to work, to act out
rebellious teen fantasies - back then when we do that we are just a
big pain in the ass till life kicks us enough we learn our lesson,
if we're lucky.. hoping to do that as adults is plain foolishness,
delusional - reality is we have to work to eat, live, see
doctor.. urge to rebel escape run remains,, but acting on it no
It's early June.. last 2 weeks of July I am out of here... that will cause
;problems at work. Should I consider cancelling summer vacation? Not
too late - cancel cottage and try for later in summer? Think on it.
I miscalculated. Thought we'd be further along by now.
Thur Jun.7.18 nm
It's been all work, eat, sleep for work so not much blogging this
week . . . organizing/doing trainings.. yikes! Feedback from
trainings good, small 2.3% cost-of-living increase -
Fri-Mon off - Sat Johnson Beach celebration party,
Blues fest.. Elvin Bishop, Taj Majal, Eric Burdon, Robert Cray..
looking forward to cottage, redwoods, river, Eric's company -
friend! - old friends... yay... gold... rest/relaxation/fun
with an events nearby.. cool.. maybe no alcohol Sat, why
bother with one beer? Feeling good over all more important then
2-3hours of alcohol-fueled 'excitement', loudness,
attention-seeking, etc. weather looks to be good.
It's not where I am, it's where I'm at. Be in a good space in
Gville. Don't count on the event/location to lift me up.
This morning: door latch jammed - oh, fly-swatter handle
jammed in it.. then, rolled a lemon down street, swung arm, whipped
jacket pocket full of quarters into my upper lip.. ow! Bleeding a
little.. ow! Nothing like smack in mouth to wake on up! A bit
depressing.. I want to be good and relaxed.. but life does what it
will.. don't detach, don't disengage.. relax, yeah, but stay
engaged with life..
..otherwise you miss little things, like fly swatter door jams and
pockets full of quarters.. damn! ow! yeah.. be engaged.. fear not..
Stopped at Plough for beer, Tue pm for burger & beer.. been
stopping at Plough after work for 1 IPA and/or food.. watch it.. but
for now, okay.
A bit anxious last night, will I sleep?, I said yeah, relaxed,
waited till I was physically tired.. seemed to have barely moved
from 10:45-6:45.. nice. Sleep.
K moving end of month.
Drawing a blank - everything is okay - roof, bed, food, savings,
car - bills paid - no debt - credit cards paid (just now) - tech
okay (phone/laptop etc) - cut back on daily facebook posts - just
finished (Cuba Libre / Elmore Leonard), not Dark Thirty, from L,
scary black folk tales - yard great: tomatoes, strawberries,
avocados, cucumbers, raspberries ( a few), blueberries - tiger
lilies - chairs to sit under overhanging trumpet flowers with red
and blue solar powered lights - yes, this is good - if I am
'unhappy' is it just life, aging, mortality - but really this is
very very good. A certain amount of misery is normal. Religion is a
Tomorrow I'll be in Gville - and I will still just be me. Whoever
that is. Self-image - keep good care and protect it. Valuable. No
one can damage it if I don't let them.
Sun Jun 3.18 laundry 7:08pm
So.. after Fri evening weirdness, post-work stress Plough
pizza 2 IPAs pass out under covers in work clothes.. slep ~9-10hrs
Sat in weird head space.. I have always feared not being
able to do my job, so have tried to excel in other things -
training, photos, photoshop, networking, helping.. now I must face
that original fear, sink or swim. Based on good annual review, I'm
fine. Current overload is global, no particular pressure on me to do
Sat showered, ate, biked to Telegraph, People's Park
World Music Fest.. bit out-of-it mentally - maybe I wanted to
stone loose mental day, a fuck it relaxed fuck it day - qawwali
music pretty darned good, saw/avoided Janis Owen who I knew way back
when, have avoided since, not 100% sure why, probably unrequited
lust resentment - borderline depressed/hungry stepped away for
salmon teriyaki/large sake, back for reggae - danced a lot,
enjoyable - cool! Mali music next - Telegraph pub in La
Fiesta bldg. They were good! I had 3 tequila drinks, chatted with
strangers, danced swayed grooved. Bought 2 CDs, chatted with main
guy, filmed part of one song that river-tranced me out - said to
other dancer - "That took me there." She agreed. South Berkeley is
scummy, yet there you go; it was there for scummy me when I needed
it in 73.
Biked home, stopped at WF for berries, pudding, bananas,
eggs, Pt Reyes travel food, etc.
Sleep ~11 - ? - after pudding cups, up ~6:30, stayed in dream bed
sleeping till ~9am. Catching up on sleep. And also having alone
Strong impulse for Reyes - a little scummy from the drinks
(don't do that next week!!) - concerned about knees but did
it - brought turkey sandwich, falafel balls with hummus, dried figs,
walking stick - lv ~11 - stop to shower - no sense strolling/ hiking
feeling scummy - Nicasio for mocha drink, tootsie pops, hello to
counter guy, art book from shelf -
- short 5-mile stroll: Meadow > Sky > Mt Wittenberg - w/side stroll
off peak to sit/relax nr horse trail w/nice view of Limantour -
lovely perfect day, not too hot, clear blue skies, light breeze,
birds, lizards - mind full of work stress - but as always, might as
well do it in a beautiful place.
It's not about her - it's about work being overloaded. That helps.
Not boss's job to be sympathetic.
This is a nice life - having a weekend w/free music, drive to Marin
for Reyes hikes, plenty to eat etc.
Adjusting to life with romance of life gone - Hello death!. Friends
- some are okay - but K & Sooz having rough times.
Figure get laundry done, so ready to leave Fri morning For
music, cottage weekend. Nice.
Almost 8.. can sleep in tomorrow. There is only one thing bad in my
life right now worrying me - work being hard and stressful - that is
all working class peeps' dilemmas - no complaining - hack it
out, get it done. No moping. Be a positive force.
Yes, thank you be good today.
Music, dance, I biked/hiked - that should be cause for
celebration! a month ago I thought those two activities were past;
laundry done, yard watered, deco lights arranged, car gassed, food
in fridge - next weekend music friend to look forward to. Thank
Sat Jun 2.18 nm
Fri tired after work - Plough
pizza, 2 IPAs, As on TV, bands sound checking - home, ~8:30 under
covers clothed for 'nap' - wake ~6:30 surprised to see work clothes,
lots of dreams, cottage door open - wank - snoozed till ~7:30?
The bigger job company gets, more global rules apply - for
everyone! -, less freedom, more oversight, more admin, less fun,
coloring outside lines etc - everyone more stressed during
transition - I got praise/approval for improvising/ proactive stuff
- those days are past - adapt to new strictness. Coolio. Training
has become more stressful - much more this summer - get it done,
hack it out. It's
not my fault people find the training module boring - I did
not create it.
Help to me accept things I cannot change, change
what I can, wisdom to know difference.
Found Liara Roux Int'l
escort pics again - she does cute sexy tease thing well - not enough
for me to pay, but enough for online searches to find what I can for
Berkeley world music fest today, and Shattuck closed?
Maybe Reyes tomorrow.
Okay - that was weird about Plough, 2 IPAs,
pizza, pass out/sleep in work clothes - maybe did not want to go
home to cottage feeling anxious about work, depressed about
emptiness of life outside work (?) - no - I think more, discussing
situation w/co-workers, depressed me about borderline bullying
from above. Feeling trapped. I keep thinking, must have approval for
harsh approach, but no - Interruptions, refusal to listen,
impatient, threats, always stopping just short of actionable
bullying. Not personal; consistently treats everyone beneath her
same. Lastly - if action's resulting effects on people are same as
effect of bullying - what's difference? Reasons called excuses.
Harshness called bullying. Fair enough. Had an incompetent lazy
boss. Now a competent sociopath. Yikes. hahahah
Okay - 10am - 2
espressos & breakfast bagel - home for smoothie - then free time
free time - yard, music.. whatever I like - nice.
Sat/Sun Guerneville beach party/Blues fest w/Eric -
Fri-Mon - good to have
4-day vacation. 3.5 days in cottage redwood grove by river.
I see upcoming 65 as end of work - it is not - I can
if I want -
Social Security & Medicare - but that's not reality. Get over
it. We work till we die. Bosses are annoying pricks/ thorns - but
they are not fatal
Liara Roux international escort and
now porn model. It's the haircut.
--- watered yard, long stakes
in tomato cage, we got raspberries!, working/watered succulents in
sidewalk bed, fixed bricks beneath backyard fence chair, re-arranged
red lights in backyard datura.. copied phone pics onto laptop, them
all new pics etc onto backup. My stuff. Tend to my garden.
birds chirp at me close-up, follow me to front yard - what do they
Thu May 31.18 nm
Wk: People out, calling in sick,
super busy globally, not experienced enough to do job & no time to
train them properly, too much going on, trying to do our jobs & also
train upgrade - we knew it'd be bouncy. We must use our best
judgment, be allowed to make mistakes. I'm fine - improvising
finally - setting up trainings without dotting every 'i'. Boss lady
seems to be easing off a bit? Sees I'm not fighting? Sees might be
easier working together without antagonism? See what happens.
Long days, nice weather, birds in backyard - sat w/Buff a while
last night chatting - been a while - been depressed about Gil & Mom.
Come up from under it.
Nice having hour or so to sit/chill,
private Robert time Nomad stage/throne, metal frame black stretchy
seating chair.. but an hour diff is slight.
S'all.. a nice
May it last.
But prepare for hard times.
Losing Gil & Mom are not anomalies - death is normal - the family is
what it is - there is no other nor better.
Is what it is.
yes. Thank you. Be good today. Stayed in bed till body was ready to
get up. Nice.
This weekend..? Try a hike/stroll? Slow down -
puts less 'bounce' on knees when I stroll vs. my usual fast walk.
1 week till 1st Russian River music party fest. Relaxation and
Wed May 30.18 nm
Tues, alone basically, S not allowed to do complex jobs till
further trained, but when is there time - everyone super busy! But
even along it went well, and nice getting off early on long summer
.. sat inside for a while, walk to Bowl for berries/dried
fruit etc.. Plough for 1 IPA & Giants baseball.. heat up
rice/chicken chowder w/bread, eat in yard w/: hummingbirds, crows,
bees, mocking birds(?) - 2 hummers may have nest in alley, 2 fat
brown birds maybe looking at tree for nesting? - there's a lot of
dense foliage, good for birds.. Buff came sat w/me for a while.. K
news, fest news.. solar blue string lights haphazardly strung along
front of cottage into trumpet flowers shelves tchotchke .. nice
Wk hours changing to 9-5:30 - saw it coming; actually,
I think fine.. 2 hours at Nomad online not necessarily best time
spent in world.. have had it for 5+ years? Make s sense to have more
Email from and call to new guy about GT/FB; I
told him I want bigger slice, unless others have already been told -
they had been - so that's fine. I felt a little creepy asking, but
could have given it to K&Xo.
Rent check taped to back window
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Slept pretty well,
wake ~6:30? Nice wank, sleep till 7:30 - listening to body - not
mind, not restless mind or habit, what does my body want? More time
in bed on long summer mornings? You got it. I got it.
Sleep, eat, pay bills, pay rent, buy groceries & BART
tickets, laundry, gas in car..
...contact friends, work in
But what is worth reading/learning - it is just
fun.. harmless time fill... not adding financial value..
Mon May 28.18 II bed 9:37pm
~1 salad lunch, grill 3-week old
beef from FmMkt, bike in car, pbj, shorts, short-sleeve Mexican
shit, Birkenstocks - search for Inspiration Point, map nr Brazilian
Lodge - bike ~2miles, ~1/4 mile past Peace Grove turn-off.. pretty
easy - bit of knee weakness slowed me down, but very doable, no
painful - couple of stops at benches, let mind rest / drift - done
w/biking, wanted more outdoors..
.. visit Botanical Garden,
skinny black snake on path nr redwoods, bench beneath underpass 2
hummingbirds buzzing area, Rose Garden - perfect parking across st..
lovely - beautiful day.. sushi in Berkeley, unfiltered sake, 1/2
Price books Gods & Monsters DVD & E Leonard paperback.. gelato..
stop @Plough in case of Giants, and 'cause perfect parking in front
- catch last few minutes of Golden State Warriors winning division -
don't care - big crowd was excited.
Home, spread blue solar
lights along cottage front.. hmp.
Lots of post WEF IM'ing with
IM'ing with Tess, she moving to Sac(!?!), Nan party video
comes up - I tell her about scandalous camera touching butt moment -
embarrassing, obviously just a faux pas. Huh. Was it a 'moment' to
get it off my chest? Weird. Shame.
Anyway - knee news is,
I can bike, including uphill, tho maybe not strenuously, nor
standing on pedals - walking up/down Botanical gardens / Rose Garden
stairs was okay - I have to go more slowly, but can do it without
pain. I am not decrepit yet!
Very Berkeley day.. Tilden, Roses,
downtown, book store, Plough.. everything went well.
yard, Pablo Cruise/Rancho Nicasio, JFK head to Wynn
Rested, but also outdoor time, in
yard, biking, flowers.. nice... bit of pot and sleep...
Mon May 28.18 nm
Sat sleep in till 10(!), Nomad, yard
work/salad lunch.. Shower, lv for Nicasio ~2:20 - slow traffic
around Richmond Bridge, otherwise heavy but fast - call Wynn about
JFK bust from home & 101/Lucas Valley > beautiful day!! At Rancho
give away 2nd, accidently-purchased ticket to guy in line > Wynn
calls, drop of head. Big plate of chicken - too much - I force it
down.. 2 top-shelf margaritas + 2 bottled waters, sipped slowly over
2 hours, strong - I could taste alcohol.. worked.. bit of
Beautiful weather, fun vibe,
excellent musicianship in band that sounds like a band, not
individuals! Went back at end to shake drummer's hand - he's so
good! Cancer survivor - when shaking hand, noticed his throat
talking device - goddam. Inspiring. They good - but it took Bob -
The Boss - to forcefully hone them into a successful unit. Boss.
Buff/DJ out till afternoon. Chores/errands done > good say to
chill, do what I want - maybe bring bike up to Tilden, feel out
knees.. or walk.. walk in sun.. blue skies, yes..
May 27.18 nm 11am
Slept in after
Sat trip to Delta/Locke..
Sat left ~10:30,
lots of traffic but fast-moving, ~ noon Isleton home of Crawdad Fest
- up down historical district, lots of empty storefronts, ladies in
temp museum spot said 2018 hurt, some moving back now. Pretty bldgs,
interesting Chinese history, depressing economically. ~20mins to
Locke - also emptied out, interesting but depressing. Up down street
2x, stop in historical sites, museum, schoolhouse, gambling den etc.
Stop at Al The Wops (my real target) for drinks - Blue Ball &
Tomatoes drink, plus hamburger fries, baseball on TV.. friendly
people, bikers, guy on left flirting w/waitress pays for 1st drink,
chatting / joking with others, they come & go..
Bars / alcohol
not answer to age / loneliness - illusory bandaid at best.. false
friendships false camaraderie.. an admittance of failure.. made sure
I was okay to drive home, sipped drinks, walked around.. this
morning feel 'okay + residual guilt, slight but distinct yuck of
knowing I checked out wrong path again.. knowing it is not real
Home ~5:30.. deep "nap" ~6:30-8.. mideast salad
dinner.. sleep ~11:30.. up ~7, listen to body - mind restless, body
wants sleep, stay in bed till almost 10.. good.
Days off - good
to face life's dilemmas.. we all reaction.. against M&P.. boss..
death.. system.. cops.. some serve God, superseding worldly M/P
etc.. it's all in EST.. what else are we? You've got to serve
somebody. I serve my reaction against what I see as false in my
parents. It was easier than to admit so far as system is concerned I
have little to no value. Poor dull unattractive noisy chump.
Bordering white trash trailer park fodder lucky to have a nice
office job. And why - because my parents tried to lift me up, all
their children, into the best possible situation - none of us was
gonna be lawyers or doctors.. service, nurses, librarians, mid-tier
social strata.. hoping to win invisible lottery of luck.. head full
of hopes, settling for best we can attain..
Hang onto this job -
it is well off charts so far as luck goes.. tech economy keeps me in
- I have worked hard, tried to play it smart, excelling in what I do
well, to make up for shortcomings in methodical thinking.. it would
be wrenching/inconvenient to remove me, so we shall see.. keep
showing up, doing my best.. at job and in life..
dreamed I complained off-record to T (glob head GFX) about ChiD's
saying mean things to Sh "This is why we don't hire temps in CHI." -
demoralizing - so now it's in my dreams - unnecessary cruelty >
short of bullying > same effect..)
Beautiful day.. do some yard
"work", shower, lv ~2(?) - so early! - maybe no alcohol today? JFKs
head to Wynn.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Today will be a good day.
Yesterday, visit to Locke,
cocktails & burger at bar - yeah - interesting experiment - but..
nothing there for me.. no cheap rent, no community..
Sat May 26.18 nm
Thu after wk Plough for IPA, basketball
playoffs. Funk night - starts ~9:30 - sometime hang for an hour.
Live music for its own sake.
3.5 day weekend - early off Fri,
well-rested, laundry, groceries, dishes - ah good to have done, now
3 days off. Perfect. Overcast. Checked distance to Locke - through
Contra Costa ~1:10hr (vs. 1:40hr up 80). maybe do that today,
or Olampoli. or Eric meal?
Received email re early bird Sept
Jazz weekend tickets, got "Party" 2nd row aisle for E&I. Bam.
~$500. - spending on myself - I want to share time opportunity
w/Eric - feel fine about it. Worrying about how this expense will
affect my haha fantasy "retirement" 5-10-15yrs from now is no-value.
Realized did not know where June
Johnson beach Party/Blues weekend tickets are - :-O -
decided not to panic - assume there's bank payment evidence -
search search emails - login to Omega site - find ticket #,
download/print tickets link.. cool. Slept well.
food, gas in car - Locke - small towns along way.. why not? Have a
beer somewhere - time to myself..
Sun Rancho Nicasio
BBQ Pablo Cruise, drop off JFK
head with Wynn. Try try try to not draw a lot of attention to
myself - a drink or two sure, but sit still in my seat like everyone
else. I need so much attention!!! Be cool.
Sun Nicasio music drop off JFK head - Mon also free -
lots of relaxed time to amuse myself -
Supporting K in UK re not taking X away to new town based on
vague promises/ high pressure salesmanship..
This is all
softball.. high value 'problems' - job comes w/ a boss (and
maybe equilibrium is being attained), health is good, sibs/friends
are alive - my rent is insanely cheap, I am available for Social
Security in an emergency - still in shock that Gil & Mom are dead.
Okay -home quick shower pack food visit Locke - nice drive along
To K&V re Dad & I:
"Over the years my Dad would
send indications of willingness to talk, to acknowledge his role in
our estrangement/my avoidance -
But when I reached out he
fell back into defensive posture - it was up to me to make first
offer, attempt to connect - which he could then defend against - he
never made the initial attempt to open up - I think he was incapable
of it - just not in him
I mention this, in case any of it rings
similar about E -
Seems like E feigns offer of sincere/open communication - but
really setting up more high-pressure salesmanship - there's no
sincere core - "
Thu May 24.18 nm
Here I am. Yes,
thank you, be good today. Today will be good.
study/practice new hire module, email Staffing about new teams - get
it all done - trying to fit into dept as another cog, but hard after
many years of successfully working somewhat independently.. oh, well
- it's a now job now, and a good job.. bosses are necessary, get
over it - work with her, support her to make it work.. no value in
resenting tone of voice, in short, medium & long run it doesn't
matter.. and the long-term work relationships still exist,
regardless of new dept set-up.. I can do this.. not perfect, but
good enough to keep job.. keep the job.. people don't get fired for
being imperfect, but for not showing up, insubordination, stealing
etc.. I'm cool as long as I remain cool..
"There's no value in
punishing yourself over stuff that doesn't matter."
3.5 day weekend with BBQ - bring JFK head for Gil's ex -
everything will be done - breath, relax, enjoy life... 64, good
health, good savings, 10 months till Social Security & Medicare..
then what? Who knows! Exciting
Wed May 23.18 nm
Looking to find porn actress name in
'below glass table' gif - 'who is that porn star?' site found Cassie
De Isla - not Sheri Vi. Now I know.
Work, eat, sleep, commute,
finished Quick and Dead - gun fights! tenderfoots! fun stuff! rape
threats! - more roller coaster videos at night.. slept okay, up for
an hour, stayed in bed till 7:30.. wet.. light rain..
easy.. move to Arizona? Idaho? Oregon? Some cheap place with
ocean... Bragg Tailor Park - I assume there is one, and it is
peaceful, friendly, clean, quiet and safe. I hope for someone
- parent surrogate - to take me in, but also don't want it or think
it wise. But nice to think someone would consider it, care, think of
my well-being. And some day maybe someone needs me, like Tom did
back in mid-70s. Poor Toren sibs, so fucked up.
cool cottage low rent yard job health digestion good eyes mind
reading lack of vices etc enjoyment of art comfort bed pillows comfy
clothes friends recreation music. All good. Fear not. Tomorrow is a
fantasy, yesterday is a dream.. Live for today. This breath.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
This will be a good day..
sometimes I just sit and stare... too lazy to meditate? hah sounds
funny but it's not easy.. not if yr lazy.. :-D.. I am no
monk.. parents really dead, best friends really dead, someday I will
die.. face it squarely.. a sib or 2 may go.. totally random death
Grabbed Augustine's Apologies to skim.. maybe skip bible
reading? I obviously have no real interest in reading Bible, joining
Etsy or cooking at home. I like the wasy it is now - working my job
is enough, then enjoy free time my low rent allows. Enjoy enjoy
enjoy. And say yes to money and be less generous.
May 21.18 nm
Brouhaha in UK - * decided to move to Scotland and
announces it disguised as asking permission with fake 'free college'
pressure... shit, fan.. again.
Sleep pretty well again.. Stacey
convinced me to
try joint supplements, able to do yard work without bad knee
pain/weakness - bend, squat etc.. I can do it, but getting up takes
an effort - getting in/out of bed no problem.. despair, work till
you die.. no way out.. too old to work, go die.. yep - Capitalism
But don't let my cynicism/unhappiness affect my work
attitude - this is a good job! Hang onto it. Following the easy
instinct to say "Take this job and shove it!" is total bullshit. Bad
bosses some with territory - it's not personal - she's doing the
best she can. Do my job well and it'll be fine.
4.5 day week,
1/2 day Fri, next
Mon off, Pablo Cruise Sun.. Blues weekend in 3 weeks..
following Tues big training.. cool... all good..
out extra succulents taking over pathways, blue solar strong
lights.. blue kind of depressing?? Meh.. get rid of them.. I see no
place - I want happy colors.. yellow, red, green, white..
Stacey about splitting GT/FB money evenly.. 2.5 each - I could have
asked for $15K for me, and 1K for everyone else.. they'd have been
happy, not known, I'd be at 100K by EOY.. was it foolish? It is my
nature, or my nurture w/generous Dad.. I also told Stacey, if
another offer comes through, I'll take bigger chunk. I'm glad I did
even split this time, - but - maybe it was not best decision, based
on guilt/low self-worth? - I could have shared it with Karen & Xo
who are my higher responsibility. So - be wise. It is time to be
Oh, and.. family IMs from Tom etc. about Shirley - not
certain, but sounds like one of her caretakers may have been
procuring painkillers for her - oxycontin? - dunno - now she's
kicked out of pain clinic because they found something
non-prescription in her blood? Check in w/Joan.. did I miss signals
in previous fam IM Shirley discussions: thought her caretaker was
robbing her, or Shirley was giving her money because of dementia -
now sounds like Shirley was illegally self-medicating/possibly
addicted? Yikes. Sigh.
Sun May 20.18 nm
salad at home, bank $$/quarters, Fm Mkt
for strawberries/plants for hummingbirds/cucumbers for next
door/eggs; Himalayan Faire ~1:30-3:30 - meh, same old
same old, nice day tho, lots of colorful product - $8 pendant w/red
plastic gems - rice/chicken/green slop, drinks.. home, yard,
weed... ~7:30 groceries.. chat w/buff/dj here/there.. passing
neighbors asked what's under sidewalk pile of orange flowering
Buff & I noted, when we walk between houses, we hear
hummingbird flutter above - their nest presumably; new mallow at
corner doing well.
I am isolated - Buff/DJ is it.. Sooz in OR, K
in UK, Eric in SR.. huh... no local network to speak of. That
affects my psyche. Keep an eye on it.
Reading Quick & The Dead
western.. next Sun Pablo Cruise.. 2 weeks later 4-day weekend
Russian River fests..
Keep active - even alone,
~12:00 shower, hang catch-up in condo
w/Stacey then big Solano Mexican lunch - didn't talk about Gil much,
which is best, it's still upsetting - downtown book store, gelato,
home - weed grass, plant banana pepper & supposed hummingbird plants
- sitting in dark, fight off unhappiness - Stacey & I exchanged bad
boss stories, which helped - perspective, I am not alone or
special.. 8:13pm.. salad dinner, shower.. sleep.. life is good...
Sat May 19.18 nm
Stressful global changes to GFX -
happier not thinking about wk -
focus on stretching, working w/weights, walking, biking,
breathing meditating, eating well. Yes. Keep an eye on
Plough beer/food - it is comforting, not best direction: life is
stressful - one can focus on health/happiness, or
short-term solutions like beer/pizza. Think about it.
Basic, short meditation audio files.
Trainings going well I
think - I have answers, move fast. Gaining confidence. Changes
coming fast - I am far happier, less stressed than 2 months ago -
breath - it will be okay. Stop at Farmer's market, then Himalayan
Faire, some yard work - groceries - all good.
Fri stop at Plough for IPA, 6th inning A's tight game, stay
for small pizza/2nd IPA. Buff/DJ show w/grandson, just graduated
college, congratulations. Home, tired, force myself to stay up till
10'ish.. pass out, roller coaster videos, a bit sweaty, up at 3am
for a while - up ~7:30.
Okay - woke up stressed, unhappy -
blogged about work stuff, then deleted, it's maybe good to write it
out here, to release steam, but delete, because if I did happen to
glance over these years from now, I won't care; good to remind
But nah - I won't read these years from now.. these are
yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Home for shower,
make bed, tidy.. make my life a well-organized pleasure.
Thu May 17.18 nm
In early to work this week, no blogging, knee
feeling better, taking stairs up & down, still tender/weakness, not
nearly as bad as week, weeks ago - getting away from work stress,
biking in Davis, seeing friends, sleep, getting
affection/acceptance, getting away... yep yep.. keep other peoples'
poison separate from my essence - I am smart, good, hard-working,
competent etc.. what I did in past was correct / well thought-out
for circumstances, now is a new way, I'll do new way Don't bitch,
nor complain - disengage - do job as always, support client -
protects me. Shield of good vibes.
Been sleeping better; turning
out light, I detect lack of sleep-reducing tensions/anxieties.. last
night ~10:45-6:30? Up 7:30, shower, smoothie in yard...
Responded to Will about GT/FB - mentioned payment was low, we upped
it to $16K divided evenly, - 2.5K each; that is still low. If they
come back for more, we negotiate for more. Bring Kate in? No payment
till they get paid.. so.. hope it does not become an issue.
of trainings coming up - but I'm trying to leave work stuff out of
here, because in imagined future, I won't give a fuck.
Sun. Week from Sunday Pablo Cruise. In about a month, Blues
fest in Guerneville w/Eric.. good break -
Himalayan Faire this
Sat - it's always a bit of fun. Music, color, food.
lots of fun coming up, beautiful weather, long days, friends, music,
test knee strolling Reyes?, bike..
Eating healthy salads,
falafel on a plate (no wrap), in Davis had a burrito in a box -
healthier. Sometimes forget to eat - esp day/night before training,
eat well healthy. Always do best I can - focus on needs of trainees.
Big group trainings coming up in new style. I can do it. No prob.
Love is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Do my
best, it's all a win. Beautiful sunny May morning - front yard
colorful. Good sleep - shower, smoothie, hour or so to sit here /
read internet, blog etc. This is good. Blessed years.
got better when I stopped reacting to the world with anger. Anger is
a failed strategy. Don't use anger as a tool. Let it go. let go of
anger. Be sympathetic to angry unhappy people. I am not the target.
Mon May 14.18 Oakland laundry 7:35pm
In Davis, burrito
in a box to go, decided to drive 25mins to Knight's Landing after
all - why not? Close, have time, want to - fuck the reason -
curiosity, something to do - yeah - easy fast drive on 113,
25min is nothing! - interesting small town, talked to a lady who
asked if I was taking pics for myself - she said indeed a bunch of
bldg's near bridge had been torn down - crossed bridge, took pics,
explored down various small dirt roads, sent pics to several peeps,
chat w/*, gassed up - drive home on 102, still easy/fast -
Stop at graveyard to finish burrito/pee - easy drive home - !
unpacked, now laundry/groceries -
Very happy about how weekend
went - today free to to Knight's Landing was cool.. take it easy
Oh, and GT is all just fine about photo on facebook - to
my surprise - I suggested to K & Jon Segal, let's wait a year, then
see how it looks - I got a lot of shit for my Frida pic, too, but in
the end it's been a good thing -
Mon May 14.18 Davis
Slept well! ~7
Sun dinner at sushi boat, no sake..
Usual Davis visit
morning gloom, place I lived/connected to by family/ friends for a
decades (1978-97), ghosts now.. transient college town.. don't
wallow in pleasure of sadness.. say hi to Marge & John on way out?
GT/facebook Will emailed Thurs asking for call, I pushed off
(call? no! something slick about this guy) - didn't think about it
over weekend, this morning IM'd Will's email to band/estates with my
"For one, no phone calls - get it all in writing.
For two, no further action till everyone is compensated
for the first use.
For three, after taxes, what they are
paying us is shit.
For four: for lots of reasons I probably don't need to
expand upon, I'm thinking the thrill is gone; it was potentially
cool, I'm glad it happened, but I'm somewhat disinclined to continue
- knowing what we know now about Cambridge Analytica etc - to link
Game Theory's name, brand and repudiation to Facebook's current
Something about his caps MORE MONEY
makes me uncomfortable."
Anyway - okay - considered
driving 25min to Knight's Landing and back, but I think that itch is
about abandoned bldg I saw in 1980, where I wanted to shoot a cute
blonde design student, but it fell through. Fuck it.
weekend socially, friend-wise..
Now, back to hotel, shower,
pack, drive/walk around Davis memory-scape, maybe home soon, laundry
Sun May 13.18 hotel 6:41pm
dances lame slow mystical womanly - where was rock dance beat? LL&I
kinda bummed, go to Woodstock Pizza downtown for reggae, got pizza,
pitcher of IPA, later a cinnamon roll pizza snack - yum! Stopped
upstairs - as Sun (of Mark Tong) has been encouraging me to do for
years(!), but I knew no one, one cite sexy Asian (now) belly dancer
(Helen?) - but I was never in that circle, even among outcasts I was
outcast/photographer with backstage access - that worked well, good
pics, close to band, fun for me - back then, if you had a camera,
you had good access - they thought you were press. Anyway - hotel
~11:30, slept well, drive for coffee w/L, back to hang couple hours,
drop off rental bike, back to Mexican place for much-needed
burritos, L heads south, L & I head to WEF separately. Worked.
Walk around, all booths/paths, lemonade, finish burrito, ice cream
type bars, water, Starbucks mocha drink..
Sit in Student Union
for a bit, looking at Stillborn hall, memories of shows, then in
what was Coffee House stage - Iggy, Talking Heads etc.. good times..
reclaim memories - I have no claim to the place, but I own the
memories that come up when I sit there... good and slightly
uncomfortable feeling.. knowing all that is gone forever.. yet I
have these good memories.. enjoy them..
The past is gone. Long
Bike past drum circle - send clip to several
people - visit Art dept, IM w/L - listen to my evolving memories and
view of those days.. grateful for them.. tho I never made friends in
Art dept.. no connections.. only music scene - mostly later - only
by buying my way in with photos (feeding their egos) & essentially
marrying into Game Theory.. you do what you must - it only worked
because I brought something important into the scene - mine are the
photos that define it - sort of :-D
nostalgia, maybe drive down to south Davis, quick visit (I was just
there 3 weeks ago), or straight to sushi boat..
weather this weekend.. beautiful evening now 6:53pm..damn this
beautiful town when it's good it's amazing.. for a while, it was
home.. then college friends moved away, and I got divorced from
Okay.. now what.. rise above gloom.. some
amazing loving stuff this weekend.. eat..
12.18 hotel WEF 6:10
Slept ~11-8? Was gonna do more, L woke me
up, L came over we had unhealthy hotel breakfast, walk to Farm Mkt,
beautiful morning, perfect Davis, iced coffee, berries, dried fruit,
hang in hotel till early afternoon.. all of us weary.. walk to WEF,
back to hotel for deep nap shower peets espresso -
Feeling at 6:30 was good, bought t-shirt/CD - next bands
boring, hotel for jacket, back to last band with L&L, boring
trance.. eh! Bright smelly noisy lights, slow mellow Sat pm
bands instead of hard dance.. fuck it - free tho, still a good
Fri May 11.18 DoV 2:34PM waiting for hotel
room to be prepped..
In Davis for WEF - left ~ 1, picked up
Panama hat from chocolate store I left it at.. tired cranky.. hotel
gave away room I booked months ago, confirmed in-person 2 weeks ago,
gave me room next door 20% off..
Thu off early to pack,
hang, play.. sushi, slept okay.. maybe 6hrs? Knee hurt, kept me
awake - that is not normal.. get it looked at for sure..
Davis is the same, I have changed, annual visit is a tradition, and
fun - music arts food, see the old places.. meditate on where I
was/where I'm at - but mostly, vacation, relax, fun, getaway from
daily stuff, appreciate what I have -
Brought food, blender,
pot, sake, electronics, jackets, pjs (really? no naked sleeping at
hippie festival?) - all the WEF memories to far distant to relate,
now I feel a little sad at how far away they are - never to come
back, like memories around neighborhood corners/bushes in
Charleston, WV.. gone gone.. people gone, too.. it hurts, yet
resilience of life being good, every day golden remains strong..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Yes. Davis. Good place to visit.
Clean dry air.
...rest in hotel most of
afternoon, shower, bike to WEF ~6pm, lv bike on campus, walk to
hotel drive back into town for Mexican dinner, then WEF to catch
most of Buddha Pixie who were quite good again - big spotlights on
audience from behind - security? Really annoying and creepy.. like
being spied on.. music good, super windy afternoon, but late
afternoon/evening was perfect Davis weather..
about being able to bike, at least slow easy flat drives.. not a
month ago it hurt to bad to bike at all.. hmp..
drunk/high college sports kids laughing buying beer, group ~6-7
girls dressed sexy, giggling buying beer... Fruit drink/water/donuts
- long day: Berk, finish packing, etc pick up lost hat from
chocolate shop, drive to Davis - traffic not bad at all until last
5-into-3 lanes mile... WEF, good, long naps, shower..
sleep lack, I felt distance from past, foresee new ways of looking
at it - no fooling myself anymore that I am in any way connected.. I
was an observer of a music scene, made myself valuable as a
Ate donuts, drank Naked juice - more
water.. sleep.. 3 more days off - yes - this first day is already
good refocused entirely on annual event..
Wed May 9.18
Up 6:30 Tues am, to have hour at Nomad, tired esp in
afternoon - slept in this morning, 10:00pm?-~4:30am.. snooze sleep
till 7, then sleep till ~8.. get that extra hour yeah - good -
enough sleep vital.. bit of stress about WEF, getting enough sleep,
seeing old friends.. but that usually works itself out..
night 2 hits cannabis & 1/2 sleeping pill - I think I feel
grogginess behind eyes from pill - 2 is way too much! mehhhh...
Knee still generally better, and upper left arms a minor annoyance,
barely aware of it..
Today/tonight pick up sake from WF.. maybe
Walgreens for accoutrements..
Fair amount of discussion on fb - my page & GT page - about GT
photo in fb ad.. mostly overall negative, because they removed
Shelley - also a halo of coolness that it happened at all, the
weirdness of it! And hope that it might bring attention somehow to
Sooz call last night, tablet breaking up, stalling
- darned frustration! -, Skype worked but she couldn't hear me.. see
if I can download a thing to make camera work? Or order new camera?
A bit scattered with work and all changes - but looking forward to
the days off, seeing friends - relaxation, deep diving into Davis
nostalgia.. Davis morning sun, warm air, breezes off the fields..
fond memories.. maybe I was miserable person, but at least I was in
a safe warm dry place, having growing experiences.. I had been
homeless, starved, hitchhiked across the country, visited hippie
communes, been dosed with LSD and VD., been threatened, lived with
women, in weekly hotels with bathrooms down hall - in comparison,
college was a vacation.. I was extremely fortunate to have
upbringing that allowed to me focus, hold on, make it through
hoops.. tenacity Fred said..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Food supplies and do some packing/bike in car(?) tonight. Don't
forget the V.
Tue May 8.18 nm
Knee still regular
weak, but not painful all the time.. psychological.. what to do?
Therapy? Hypnosis? Eric drink beer like lots of people historically.
Physical and mental exercise. There's a yoga app.. maybe a
stretching and meditation app/video? Use the tablet for that! Make
Sleep ~10:30-5:30.. dreams, ended running through
dark Asian streets, can't see a thing, woman holds my hand to
Next week start working with staffing to target new
teams for CORE training - I'm ready. I can do it. There will be
errors. But do the best I can. That's the win.
Short week -
half-day Thurs, Fri-Mon WEF.. good.. days off.. distractions
deep nostalgia.. I'm 65.. remember that's how people relate to me..
old, but hopefully cool... do not compliment women at work on their
clothing.. just don't.. no cool.. esp not alone.. maybe in a group..
Fri-Mon - plus Thu afternoon &
Tuesday.. almost 5-day vacation.. good.. I have earned it..
Started Duel, about Hamilton & Burr - fun!
Took 1 V in Mendo Sat afternoon - checked a few time
walking/in car.. squeezing/erotic thoughts = erection.. faded once
mind elsewhere.. cock shorter, but good & stiff when stimulated..
also, no side effects, no stomach queasiness/tightness in chest -
was likely general anxiety about new drug, confronting erection /
aging / emotional issues.. having got past those, only effect of
drug was what is expected: blood stays in penis when stimulated..
okay, cool drug... Sun am test roughhousing video to N..
Clip fingernails, move car on sweep day, set alarms, empty bins,
remember work key card, lifetty life, life, life.. poor Gil.. we all
Yes. Thank you. Be good today..
Buff clipped dead
rosemary branches in back bed, big datura blossoming forming
beautiful fragrant canopy above chairs in front of cottage.. yes..
Blues fest w/Eric in ~14 weeks..
Edited out short clip from No
man's Land - "How many friends do you have altogether Mr. Friend?"
"He probably couldn't count them all!" "Well, there's me now, too!"
and watched on endless loop - why does it fascinate and hypnotize
me. Lovely. No pot at night. Try again to see if it helps me sleep
through the night?
Mon May 7.18 nm
Talked w/Eric about health again - as we acknowledge being old men,
that is proper/cool - we support each other's health - he's
recommending baking soda for joints.. okay.
Sleep ~9:30 - wake
~5, stay in bed till 7:15ish.. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Positive attitude!.. good sleep I think - stay in bed till I feel
like getting up.. no rush for Nomad.. confidence..
all bins, fill water jugs - bring them, thermos & grocery bags to
car - dah dah dah...
50 sounded like a lot, for many years I
shared/tithed about 50, before that more - have I given away 100K?
Maybe.. don't add up the numbers... it would not make much
difference and can all be taken away by one medical emergency.. I
had fun.. I helped friends with less, in need.. I got back
appreciation and satisfaction of doing right thing... let is be.. I
have ~85, if now I had - let's say I've given away 50 - if I had 135
would that change my life today? Probably not at all.. let it go..
What I've got is life, health, senses - health, so important! -
freedom of sorts: Fri evening decided to spend weekend 3hrs
north on coast, book hotel, up early Sat, shower, bkfst,
pack, stop at Nomad for coffee,, tah-dah.. alone time to do as I
please.. work has been dominating force while I adapt/learn
changes.. work anxiety/knee pain... time alone in a favorite place
did me worlds of good.. gift car from Sooz is added wonderful..
comfortable seat adjusting, power steering easy to drive, skylight
is sweet... simple hotel, ARP discount.. no pot at hotel.. getting
close to leaving it behind..
Tho.. don't discontinue cannabis
pleasure.. I had small hit of indica
Sat before walking north headlands, it enhanced pleasure..
Cheap fitbit style watch kinda not happening.. might go for an
actual fit bit thing..
So yeah, life is good - new boss is a
challenge, difficult person.. but I have all this other, and she has
no real power over me.. no one at this level has real power.. and my
job is not in jeopardy - is it? No it is not. Then I'm good in that
Relax. Don't worry - be happy. Life is good. Breath.
Stretch. Save save save. Work work work. Meditate.
Like it or
not, I have some sort of charisma - at work, I am legendary, so I
hear. They said it, not me. It is not a burden for me. It's just a
thing - if I get a rep for doing good work and helping people,
that's good for everyone. I win.
Sun May 6.18 II 8:45pm
Relatively easy drive home, sunny/overcast - stop in redwoods &
Boonville wifi cafe - zoned most of day - dehydrated in goofy dizzy
morning, felt better after food and 1/2 gallon of water - I was
hardly pissing & drinking coffee - watch that! Thought I was
depressed, but just adjusting to reality of no parents, getting old,
body pains, end of youthful illusions, etc...
Downtown bar on
corner w/outdoor patio - small menu, chicken w/waffles were good!
Two cocktails were well-done - interesting! Bookstore before driving
- 'Duel' about Hamilton & Burr... knee feeling better as I felt
better.. more at peace, less stressed... meditate... yoga...
whatever it takes.. it is medicine for my health..
So, yes -
spontaneous time alone, fresh air, beautiful place - but it's not
where you are it's where you're at.. think I got decent sleep..
naps.. viagra experiment -
Visited beach glass museum - kind of
fun! Pics to L, K, N, fb.. all diff.. v having some effect through
day when I 'checked'...
I am insured, employed, responsible -
finances could use more discipline,,
Sun May 6.18
9:16am Bragg Strbks
Sat park n nap south headlands lot..
nice.. wake, take a Viagra to experiment - chat w/N about Mendo & V
- small hit off pipe, stroll north with apple and chocolate bar, sit
shiva at fave place, bright overcast afternoon - 4-5'ish, very calm,
lovely - light on big god rock/channel etc, meditate, enjoy senses,
look deeper past senses..
Whatever I am thinking, it is still
happening.. Here now..
I have everything, there is nothing to
desire; I have nothing, there is nothing to lose... felt good...
Want to walk, back to car, erections o/off, north to restrooms,
walk out to point... lovely afternoon! Just peaceful as hell.. drive
back south, 2 hits of Harlequin, zero effect, walk south headlands
all around edges, shoot pics /movies send to L.. video dime in
wooden goddess send to Karen for Xo - bright overcast all afternoon,
sun cuts through ~5, thrilling, sexy, beautiful.. lovely little
grass trails, hardly any people..
~7'ish still plenty of light
(sunset 8:15), stop in town for travel food/pretzels - eat some on
way to Bragg - too filling, yuck.. sun behind fog bank, no sunset
plan.. $70 hotel room - 10% old guy discount, small, plain, wooden
floor (!) - fucking bare, zero pretense!~ dig it.. very bad wifi..
get what you pay for.. Japanese place for sushi's/ salmon teriyaki,
large sake - didn't need sake - pretzels & sake were unnecessary..
Sleep ~10? Wake ~6.. okay.. stay in bed till 8..
practice V wank - may be having effect still - but decided not to
take another - casual morning, foggy, dizzy.. no wifi made it
quicker.. shower, wash hair, smoothie forgot strawberries.. some
mold on fruit, used it anyway.. get more today.. (Google says mold
Lv ~8:40, Starbucks for decent wifi.. contacted
Eric, dinner ~3-4
Heard back from GT/FB guy (after mentioning
attorney offer to help w/any problems) - says he'll contact
K in Brighton.. I am far less generous after getting
parent's inheritance, becoming orphan, acknowledging precarious
situation - losing cottage, job potentially catastrophic - not like
I can start life over again.. beginning endgame... could wind up in
a small town with nothing happening.. no romantic cushion to make my
life a sad country song...
Knee doing okay on this trip,
tenderness, pain but not much - walking is fine - I have to be
careful standing up from ground, caution standing up from chair....
left upper arm, stretching it out, still some core resistance.. to
what degree is my hesitance affecting body? Anyway, lots of walking
was just fine, so cool!
So.. oh.. 10am.. yeah.. now what?
headlands again prob.. but who knows.. lv town ~12..
Sat May 5.18 nm
Mendo - booked room Motel 6, regular place sold-out -~$100 -
slept pretty good - ~10:15-5:00? Feel okay - up 6:16, shower,
smoothie, pack - make pbj - shoes, jackets, hats, toiletries,
silverware, pillow, walking stick, knee wrap, health wrist band,
phone, laptop -
Good - felt good to sit in yard this morning
w/smoothie, beautiful, relaxed - doing something spontaneous..
brought some fragrant datura in car.. I know the drill -
Depending on how I fell: Starbucks in Cloverdale, Boonville, apple
orchard, redwoods/river, Mendo headlands, Bragg, MacKerricher or
other sunset - tho I think it's overcast all day.. nighttime shower,
TV, Harlequin, shower.. I brought Viagra, thought I might try one
randomly today, to prep, remember physical effects (a bit of
tightness in chest, tho that night be anxieties around
Last night found hentai porn by Japanese
artist John. K Peta with extreme humiliations, rape, cutaway sex
views - pretty nasty, been a while but when first discovered I was
attracted to uniqueness, foreign ideas - normal reaction to extreme
Japanese porn / manga, at first "I can't believe they did that! Had
never thought of that." - fascination with Japanese fetishes, seem
unrestrained compared to vanilla western porn - but doesn't hold up
over time.,. and horrible for women..
7:40 - use restroom, good
mornings on fb.. depart by 8... not feeling anxious to get lots
done, juts being away from town, on the road, headed to a beautiful
place, maybe a meal with a friend.. life is good... Yes. Thank you.
Be good today.
Mendo 2:15: so far, so good - easy drive,
Cloverdale for coffee/gas/cruise town, apple orchard
sandwich/apples/apple juice, stroll redwoods - Mendo groceries soup,
tuna sandwich chocolate bars - eat soup above town cemetery - feel
okay, weepy, losing Mom.. parents.. home... just want this time
alone on my own, after months of work stress, Mom death, Gil death,
upcoming memory swamp at WEF.. seeing old friends... no hurry even
to get to ocean.. more about getting away on my own, yes.. but to a
beautiful place.. it is about Mendo.. maybe visit Big River?
Concerned about knee in soft sand.. check it out.. go slow..
Fri May 4.18 nm
8:15,, maybe Mendo
tomorrow... overnight.. be good to get away, and I got nothing
planned, maybe visit Eric on way home...
Gil is dead.. I can't
Thurs had a CORE training, had fun and thought it
went well - see about feedback - feeling better @wk, feeling
confident new training helps a lot -
After wk stopped
@Bowl for fruit, pudding - ate pudding & Stilton cheese/bread snack
in bed w/rollercoaster vids - that was great! Pot and my blue
Did my best to slap away buzzing fly of boss
irritation - bosses are thorns in rose garden, they're performing a
necessary function - in some way I like boundaries, yet it is not
personal.. she works hard, that counts for a lot..
Got 1/2 day
Thurs off before WEF, so extra visit time etc.. nice.. feeling a bit
pressured.. and WEF is not all fun.. painfully deep nostalgia,
music, sex, women, dreams, anticipations, hopes and fears.. but much
of my life is based around experiences from those years I had
to play around, socialize, learn, develop.. I was not much more
foolish than other young men..
Anyway.. yes, a weekend to myself
before WEF is good.. much of WEF will be on my own, and I'll try
biking a bit... ocean, headlands.. let's see about hotel
Finished most recent CS Lewis, the Weight of Glory... hmm.. meh..
he is smart, and a good writer/thinker - but he starts with belief
that can't be well-explained.. so aside from making Christians feel
less dumb, I don't know if he's converting anyone... maybe that's
what is meant by an apologist - he isn't converting, just doing his
best to explain his beliefs.. out of a decent respect to the
opinions of mankind.. fair enough...
Yeah, sleep, light pack..
go early... laundry done, bring food, do it.. leave 7:30-8?
Take it easy.. light till 8
I've been not going last month or
so because knee's been a problem, but it's a little better now..
Cleaning personal files @wk, 2008 Finance ~$40K.. meaning I've only
saved ~$400/yr last 10 years? Which makes sense, since I was tithing
anyone over 50.. okay.. well, enough of that... ~82 now and
everything paid up.. with luck 90 by EOY. Life is good.
Thu May 3.18 nm
Unpacked health watch, online feedback
says phone app is shit, but phone works.. okay, fun toy, good for
Nice to have clothes/pjs clean, bed made.. comfort..
sleep ~10, up maybe 2-4:30? Sleep till 7'ish, good wank, dreams of
salamanders, frogs, snakes in underground box, want a salamander for
some reason.. don't want to break up family of salamanders,
one tosses head vigorously to chase me off - - up 8am.. bed
time, sleep time is top notch..
being mentally & physically
rested may help with body pain.. got to make that part of lifestyle
- not easy - don't think it is.. gonna take effort, team, group,
Legendary - I like that. :-) Maybe I can't
please bosses, too independent - I can please client so well it
doesn't matter what bosses think.. instead of resisting me, bosses,
work with me to make my strengths help dept.. but no..
Wed May 2.18 laundry 7pm
In early to watch Joy from
Chicago train - one looked over, asked if I was Robert Toren? Said
'wow, you're a legend, I've heard so many people mention you.'
Nice to know I still got it :-D (I glanced at new hot shot guy to
make sure he heard - you are good, but you ain't legendary yet)
annual review, I felt pretty confident, I know I'm good, Darcy
skyped, I avoided argument, she read what Rndy wrote - all good,
meets expectation - said OT okay, did some tonight.. okay. Off
early& Sooz on the coast, so.. laundry. I need more work pants.
Walk, sleep & heart wrist thing Tessa recommended arrived - still
Feels good to get good feedback from R & new dept head -
that acknowledgement means a lot, because goddamit I deserve it. All
the new work stuff becoming routine.
Tues way home from
wk, nothing to do at home, stopped at Plough.. chatty young vet sat
near, we talked a lot, he was good at it, turned out to be open mic
night - IPA, then another, then ordered a chicken sandwich with
fries, took bread off.. left many fries - couple guitarists sat
near, one with cigar box 3-string - soo cool! Chat chat chat, Bruce
is documentary film guy from BOS, making film about homeless in
Berkeley, working with BOSS, Boona's thing, but he didn't know her..
left after couple of acts, but said good-bye to Bruce, who gave me a
big smile, and SP cook guy patted me on shoulder.. I like that
What is noteworthy, was out of boredom, wanting
something to do, I went to the plough, hoisted a couple, talked with
strangers - socialized! Saw some music. Left at a decent time after
2 slowly sipped beers and food. Felt fine - but noted I don't get
enough of it - felt.. right. Pubs.
Sleep was rough.. again!
Passed out before 10 I think -then woke ~1:AM! Fuck it - smoked some
pot, and watched youtube relaxation videos of nature, moonlight on
water at night.. somehow got enough sleep to feel good and get
through a fast-paced day.
mmm - laundry and Subway sandwich
w/chips.. sometimes perfect...
Going through a small collection
of 4 CS Lewis 'sermons' - - if he's best they got, no wonder
everyone's leaving. Yet I think he didn't think much of Catholics -
anyway, I think looking into him is another way to get into Mom's
mind, feel closer to her - reasonable - acceptable...
getting better all the time - better Better Behhh-ter! Laundry
getting done, weather warmer, days longer, WEF in ~2 weeks.
photo is out in facebook video on national TV - blowing people's
minds - photoshopped Shelley out, badly - not what I was told - and
after I gave permission, Cambridge Analytics etc came out - fb went
from evil to Evil.. I don't really mind at all - this is all old
stuff - but could have been pretty cool, instead pretty sucky.. feel
bad for Shelley - and still haven't been paid. Emailed last week -
oh, and $800 for the knee/arm x-ray - still want
MRI? Maybe - talk to doc.
Tue May 1.18 nm
Just a little - knee not hurting last
night, no pot - sleep ~10 - up ~3(?) spotty sleep after.. feeling
okay.. maybe I want someone to fight, a daddy to push back, rebel
against, a boss - so small.. so useless..
Mon Home after wk, nothing to do, getting dark, into pjs,
walked to Plough, a beer? No.. just a walk.. up down home sidewalk,
observing lights/plants from all angles.. nice.. looking squarely at
life it's a bit sad; lights, gardens help.. beauty..
Meditation, stretching, reading bible, TED talks a worthy goal, but
realistic? hmp.. I am essentially just wanting to sit around, like
most people.. need a bag to carry bible..
Knee okay except going
down stairs.. up is tricky but doable...
No biking at WEF..
yikes.. accept change..
Mon Apr 30.18 nm
healthy habits were defined as:
smoking - check
Having a body mass index between
18.5 and 25 - I'm about 28.
Taking at least 30 minutes of
exercise a day - well, I walk to & from work & around office.
Having no more than two glasses of
wine a day - check
Having a diet rich in items such as
fruit, vegetables and whole grains, low in red meat,
saturated fats and sugar - check - except for sugar.
Now at work, must check in exactly 8hrs not a minute more - less is
okay. Okay. Whatever. Bring old phone to use as timer? Seems crazy,
Remember what is important.