"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

 Will: End-of-life, who gets: art/quilts/car/photos etc
 Get rid of old fridge
 Read Bible front to back
 Sell Frida pics on Etsy
 Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home
 Wed Mar 21.18 nm 5:23pm
 That was a much-needed vacation.. 1st 3 days mainly recuperating.. folks may say "We don't wanna hear it, we're tired, too" - so don't whine, but also feel my own pain & exhaustion, protect myself - be subtle, don't verbalize it, play victim, always say 'yes', be positive/supportive - call this morning at work, so much info! Morning guy talking to national folks getting info I don't hear - I just train - I spent many hours training which benefit company, employees, dept everyone! Then got pushback on that - don't neglect the client - learning material is supporting client. No matter what, this person will always find something to criticize. It's just her nature, has nothing to do with me. I have been here before - doing great locally protects me regionally/globally.
 anyway - so boring - hope I never have to re-read this - less job stuff, more me stuff...
 Rested, feels so different! Tue pm bed ~9pm, took 1 sleeping pill, up ~3am(?), snooze/sleep till 6:30 - early for conf call - then dept head call - first 'real' training tomorrow, friendly folks.. Morning guy will film some, sit in, D will webex.. - wait, video and audio or just audio - huh - and we will be doing some. whatever - feedback is good - then I'll be good enough to be left alone.
 More studying today, sending invites to booked room, etc.
 Thoughts more clear, but big changes at work make them a bit jumbled... sokay.. get it down, learn, it's all a win for me.
 Wrote IM to N that I have neglected to tell her she is beautiful.
 After years of thinking about it, just asked French Frida w/kittens painter if she is interested in my old hippie selfies. Pretty innocent being ~ 40yrs old.
 11 Minutes book entertaining, good (romantic) perspectives on sex & love.
 I have never been in a global network of GFX folks before - as of today we are taking jobs from anyone in the world. Yikes! Well - it is what it is - almost like whole new job after years of independence/looseness, loose boss-less days lasted long enough to get many videos, post-Scott death GT pics, many scans/movies for Gil to enjoy in his last years... it worked out.
 Tighter ship, global company, I'm still well-situated, giving photos video to 2 new folks - facepages still mine, slowly but surely train everyone else up on everything, so if/when I leave they are in good shape.
 6mins to closing.. said 'hi, 'nite' to K - maybe donate fb/GT photo to Kristine and the girls.
 How to get JFK's head to Wynn. hahaha
 I think everyone else is way more stressed, sleepless, exhausted than I... so be happy and grateful.
 And buy a printer. And join Etsy.
 Tue Mar 20.18 Bragg hotel 9:04am
 Spotty sleep - again! - can't remember last time I slept all through night, but it'll return - I just need to see how easy it really is - DAL training felt overwhelming, so many things to learn - upgraded app & format, know it well enough to train/answer questions - weekly contacts w/staffing etc, set up conf rooms, send invites etc - this at a time I was backing off, disconnecting because of unhappiness about work, being understaffed, 1/2 staffed 19hrs/day still being pressured to take global jobs - kept in dark re new dept head - no responses to my queries about compensation - not to mention tension about my refusal to do 1-day training trips to LA.
  - obviously I have been unhappy - & esp after Gil saying he stayed at his job too long, me getting close to retirement age, then Mom died... difficult year.
 But it's a new day dawning... leave past year behind, get onboard, ride this train as a global team. Presume trust - assume they are trying to help.
 Last night, after Mendo - sitting in hotel refreshed me a bit, Mendo college overlook for sunset, Japanese place for salmon teriyaki, large hot sake - nice - also, instead of 'fancy' Aztec fusion place, this place had a funky crowded neighborhood feeling about it - salmon was a bit charred, I liked it. Closer to real people.
 Reading snatches of '11 Minutes' here and there. Sleep ~10? Up ~8 - but not solid sleep. Still, I feel I've mostly caught up after a week of sleeplessness. It has been helpful.
 Lots of fb bday wishes, can't respond (after 30-day suspension) till noon - nice to see tho.
 Sposed to rain this afternoon - head straight home? - I want to get home/bed early for best sleep - also want to see Eric.. hmm...
 Chill man - my stress was partially because we were short-handed, then on top of that new format training was dumped on us, I felt overwhelmed.. understandable - training, themes.
 My reasons for not doing 1-day trips to LA were logical and coherent, but I was pushing back against The Power (haha - pushing back against their fears, I mean), I did a slide to explain, note from doctor - but it was tough, & I was in 'defend my health against bullying' mode. I can stop that now. LA is no longer on table - if R can do it, let him. Or have new guy C do it - he's bright, he'd be good at it! It would also have been logical, when we were down by 2 people, essentially half-staffed, to cut hours back from 7am-2am - we did that when Taf left, made sense - logical/coherent - when Jeff left we did not so we were way stretched. It seemed that common sense was out the window. So yeah, I was unhappy/demoralized, had good reason to be - not that anyone wanted to discuss it - add to that, Gil & Mom (and on personal note, realizing I was going to work till I die) - it was a rough year. Upset by deaths I hadn't energy/mental balance to handle work bullshit/pressure. So I gave 90% to protect myself.
 Yes - the last year in life and work was rough - but it's okay to move on now - it's different - relax, don't have to be defensive - Taf is gone, we are fully-staffed, new office is amazing, CORE training is great opportunity to gain training skills. This is good. Embrace this change.
 Let go of anger/bitterness from past - it's a new day.
 Yeah? Yeah!
 Phew - not just relaxation/refreshing this 4-days in Brag - good opp to think all this shit, this last year, through. Gil died just over a year ago, Mom just 4 months ago. Give it time. Mom dying alone - well not dying - but must've had stroke Thurs pm, not found till Sun - pain of that came clear to me this visit. That's not the way we'd have liked it damn it. There's a hard life lesson for us.
 This visit - hippie fantasies gone - that's me changed - getting used to this.
 Not about fantasies & hope to get me though night - it's about survival.
 So keep this job. And enjoy all th good things I have - I am enjoying a great life.
 Smoothie/thermos coffee - 9:39, shower, pack out by 11.. then what?
 Mon Mar 19.18 Bragg hotel 6:45pm
 ~10:15 drive north ~7miles to explore 10 Mile beach - stop at wayside - had taken 2 viagra ~9:30 to experiment - got stiff for extended periods (10-15mins?) on-and-off, had to pay attention to not being too obvious, esp in these baggy pants - been a long time since that was an issue - no headache/eye coloring, but a bit of upset stomach, similar to heartburn? Tightness in sternum area - but could just be hungry -
 Walk south, surf walk, nice sunny day - sad tho - lots of sadness, getting old, knee hurts, trouble sleeping, Mom dead etc - Buff gets bummed on his bday - maybe this is it, too  as well as, yeah birthday = from Mom - and she'd dead, and so will I be.
 So that was fun, took pics, sent out - back south to hotel, really tired, wank, sleep pretty decent for an hour or two - noon-2pm - stop in Bragg: espresso from headlands, slow walk through tattoo museum, hippie junk store, gallery closed and I couldn't see Sarah Logan's (?) ceramics?
 then south to lighthouse just north of Mendo turnoff - lovely short walk to bluffs with erection, explore north, sit/meditate - some pretty good throughs about work: leaving past behind, being less of an asshole, accepting this is a whole new situation, bitterness about past is no value (had similar thought about Taf in shower - let go, let it go down drain), no one cares, it's up to me to make it work and go along. Felt better and clear. Makes sense. Felt good to meditate. Do it more often.
 Hang in lighthouse bldg, chat with counter lady, watch whales - quite a few - some relatively close - walk through bldgs/exhibits. ~5 Mendo - coffee for tomorrow morning, sandwich, Odwalla, chocolate bar.. cruise headlands but tired, knee hurts, want to get home/hotel...
 Easy drive, check to see if viagra working - yep - couple pics..
 Now maybe quick nap-- or sunset in 20mins, then Japanese place in town for Salmon teriyaki.
 Aside from sad mood - which may be a sign of this opportunity to grow up, be an adult, take responsibility for myself, being easier to be around, tamp down the big personality - setting aside illusions, that maybe somehow things will work out well - fantasies die.. it hurts.. but accept it..
 - aside from that normal life occurrence (rite of passage - I'll survive and thrive) - nice day where I did what I wanted at my own pace.
 Mon Mar 19.18 9am Bragg hotel
 Birthday morning - tried to stay in bed till 9, made 8 - restless sleep, but better - I think more mentally tired than physically? Maybe both.. yeah - months of uncertainty at work, understaffed, no dept head, etc - now big changes new boss, intake, slide style - everyone needs to be retrained: steps to book conf rooms, invite trainees,  - mainly by me in SF/SV - naturally all those adjustments wear one out... but - Don't say anything! Don't bitch! If someone asks how it's going, say okay - think before I speak.. Quiet. Head down. Do job.
 Birthday smoothie & thermos of warm Mendo coffee. Lots of fb bd wishes, but can't respond till Tues noon - cocksucking fb bastards. haha., They did me a favor.
 Just worn out.. lucky to have these days to locate/feel my stress, what it's taken out of me (and all of us), monitor myself - grieving for Mom, too - missing Gil - thinking about my boundaries - but my boundaries may need to shift a bit when I'm in a team, at work - that's life - that's reality - to extent possible, leave that stuff out of work - deal with it on my own time. Lay low. Just.. be grateful for my job, and do my job. Adjust to work - I may be there a long time, till I die or can't work any more - it'll go easier on me, and everyone, if I'm less sensitive, more flexible... just.. back down a bit, don't fight every battle, esp on a 1-on-1 basis - it's not working - irritates people, comes across as arrogant. Fucking chill man. Charm works better than pushback. Don't talk so much.
 Anyway... yes.. Happy birthday Bob - 64, holy fuck...
 Now: Shower, drive north to that beach? Maybe later whale watch.. tough day haha
 Shake off the work tension, let of of old battles (Taf/Jeff - pretend they never existed) - it's a new day dawning in a beautiful new office, with new boss - it will take effort from us all to make it run smoothly. So go along if I want to get along. Yes. Seriously.
 I'm stressing about work - but everything else is good (except for deaths of friend/Mom) - but that's life.
 I can let go of work stress, if I let go of petty office politics etc. Make more of an effort to be easy to work with. It will pay off in long run. New work situation can work well for me if I let it.
 Let new work situation work well for me. Let new boss be new boss.
 Sun Mar 18.18 hotel 8:35pm
 Just back from fusion dinner
 Slept poorly - up ~1am? WTF - more nap then sleep - stayed in bed till 8'ish but too restless - hotel 'breakfast', smoothie, pbj - sit immobile till ~11:30 - mendo tide was high but calm - whale watched, chatted w/other ww's, lots of puffs, some backs, flukes, one half-seen breach, apparently there's been a lot of such activity this week -
 Drive to south lot, take low red folding chair down to flat "lawn', sit w/binoculars/dried figs 30(?) mins - nice - but feeling awfully sad; don't know if it's about Mom (and Gil) and generally feeling that loss/aloneness - maybe added birthday sadness - 64 - right knee feeling weak, some pain - esp bending going down steps.. overcast/some sun - nice tho - not blustery -
 Store for soup & gallon H20 - eat by bottom Main St. white fence corner parking - feeling painfully sleepless, but want to be out in day - left phone (constant companion) in car, strolled parameter of south headlands, threw rocks into churning foam (fun!!), up coast parallel to Main, discreet pee in bushes, back down Main stop in ~3 galleries - some nice stuff, nothing to own -
 Sit in coffee place with espresso, muffin, read more of 11 Minutes - good vacation reading - medium coffee in thermos for breakfast - should be back in Facebook ~noon birthday Mon - barely care - assholes -
 Back to hotel ~5:30 for nap - internet etc - sleep on-and-off deep dreaming feeling sick to stomach - fatigue? Or viagra I took this morning before going out? Forgot to mention - took one after long morning shower, to observe effect during day - I did not notice tension I'd felt two other times - so maybe that was psychological? - noticed once or twice, from tight pants sitting in car/walking (was I thinking about sex?) that stiffness was more pronounced, lasted a little longer - but no - I think touch/thoughts have to be involved. ~6pm, ~7hrs after dose, before nap checked by stroking - yep - strong O thinking about *. Reading '11 Minutes' has me contemplating love, and *, how we got so love sick - weekend we took a 'break': miserable, sleepless, constipated, no appetite, obsessed, etc... crazy.. how it is real - therefore sacred, why I feel I'm 'cheating' if I invest too much in anyone else - because it is the most 'real' love in my life - maybe ever? Accepting anything less is unthinkable. Maybe overstatement - but let it rest.
 Anyway.. after nap, all overcast so did not miss 7:25pm sunset, Aztec fusion place for 1 margarita/enchiladas/spicy choc ice cream - stomach feels better - lots of meat & eggs last night..
 As always (?) if I am feeling sad (I mildly wept a few times today (shower, shouted in car) w/out knowing why - (Mom I assume), stressed, mildly miserable, a little crazy (men go crazy thinking about life after losing their mother - should I talk to a therapist?) - but at least I am in a beautiful place :-) - and have much to be grateful for.
 The one most consistent thing in my whole life was Mom - that source of care and love, which I worked hard to let in and give back honestly - which she appreciated. She said it was so important to her, and tuning point  when I said it was "important to me, too." She probably cried. I'm sorry the night she had her strokes, she suffered alone, maybe scared and in pain. But maybe not. So there's some comfort. Also real politic - it can happen to anyone; life and death are cruel. Mom said "Death is mean" - but her children were not - in the end we were with her.
 9pm - maybe whale watch at lighthouse of some other points tomorrow - drive north sounds like fun, but eh! I am free, it is my birthday - do whatever I like.
 Successful life? yes. Don't blow it. Buckle down. Do my job. Don't be a pain in the ass. Support team. Support new dept head. Nail CORE training. Be professional. Enjoy my personal life. This is a very good life, cool job etc - appreciate it and don't let little irritations undermine my attitude etc. Bring a positive attitude to work. Never get angry nor express angry throughs/complaints. Whatever I say goes upstairs - so shut the fuck up at work.
 Cool. Nice. How's my life - I lack for nothing and love cottage/yard/skylight/car/friends/Karen & Xo etc.
 Let myself smoke pot - fuck the reason - pop culture is fun - pop music, pot etc -enjoy it.
 Sat Mar 17.18 Cloverdale Starbucks 10:15am
 Don't gonna wanna say too much about work but it was lots - still processing it all...
 New C boss out with Holly Dallas queen - Studied fuck out of new CORE style - that worked! yay - Did 2hr training watched by Dar/Hol/Ran - lost some sleep nights before, but somewhere in there I changed focus from stress about performing for audience, focused on need to feedback and filling in knowledge gaps - went well - some helpful suggestions, and positive feedback - cool! took me a day to cool down after intense prep/tension.. yay..
 .. yeah - of course I feel 'special' - win! - proved myself - can't help that, human, esp when many top people tell me I am special - but never never let it show or say it outloud...
 One-on-one talk w/new D boss went kind of badly, she didn't like my pushback or what she considered my 'arrogance' - I defended it as 'confidence' (when applied to training) but don't let's focus on that - let's make it work - it can work - last 1-on-1 w/D she said there was some feedback on my being 'aggressive', but no detail - just remember people hear what I say - I said I have no idea what it's referring to - still don't - maybe pushing back with irritation esp 1-on-1 within dept - it angered me at first, partially weary defensiveness, partially thinking it's unfair to tell me vaguely I am sometimes too 'aggressive' but no explanation, so I have no may to measure improvement - but I've been irritated a lot with lack of info in dept (no news re dept head for months) - so mellow out now - just do my job and keep my mouth shut - hahaha - fat chance!
 Lots this week: big changes in dept job intake, giving photo/video editing duties to newer folks, meet new dept head - (after almost a year without one), fun SF Mexican lunch, meeting new Americas head, getting feedback on both knowledge & training skills, setting up conf room booking, preparing invites for first team to train, updated training materials appeared Fri morning - need to refresh Wed - then Thurs am group including partner.
 So gonna process all that on 4-day Bragg weekend - bit of stress last night, and this morning - my stress manifests as knee pain - real obvious. Comes and goes. Weird.
 Lots of processing already done - up ~6:30 - take it mellow - no sleeping pills - pack clothes, food, electronics - less clothing than usual - other than what I'm wearing: 1 jackets, 1 pair socks, 1 underwear, 1 t-shirt, 1 Mexican shirt, Mexican sandals (no Birkenstocks) - etc..
 Letting go, letting my mind process the work tension -
 Chat w/*, share smut, laugh about this n' that Nina Simone - someday maybe hear about orgies - maybe not..
 Beautiful misty trees on way up, vacation started yesterday - mind worn out - I'm inclined toward offering to do more training (helping R out who'll be doing LA) because I enjoy it - but have to watch and know my limitation - 2 trainings a day is gonna burn me out - learn tactics - breath, meditate, relax, lean more on 'tactics', less on giving of myself - do job well - leave me more out of it (?) - learn to 'act'.. I'm going to have to anyway..
 K - Almost 11am - room 115 booked in Bragg - sposed to be somewhat cloudy - rain Tues - maybe meet w/Eric for meal on way home - meantime - enjoy my vacation time off on the coast - yay.
 64, with help from friends made a life that fits me well, 80-something in bank, Sooz' really great fun car luxury which I'm growing used to, text stuff in place - wifi in cottage and such (despite Verizon rip-off bullshit) - collection of art brings enjoyment into my daily life - quilt, wall hangings, Frida kitten painting, two women holding basket of fruit lamp, etc., good job that suits and teaches me - provides human contact. A few good friends. Five siblings. Good memories of youth in South Hills of Charleston. Couple of flirty online friendships. A woman I love.
 So much goodness. Life is sweet.
 4:37 Moody's Mendo
 Stunning lovely day, brightly deep blue skies, sometimes large fluffy clouds - sunny, a bit cold but wind manageable - sandwich at apple place, kitties napping at Navarro Store - walk in redwoods - forest pools, 128 is amazingly beautiful with sun shining through and early Spring flowers; Mendo stop for pretzels/'hippie' energy drink ('natural' caffeine). South headlands, whale watch, chat with strangers (2 women, 1 from Mississippi came to see whale - as they're leaving I see one, call them back - yay - good deed). Mideast salad in car, yum. Binoculars cool. Energy not bad, but sleepy now - two 8ths of legal weed from dispensary - fun chatting with dispensary women (legality, Oregon, what a card gets you, edibles, pain relief, thanked them for surviving prohibition, they smiled)  - - espresso - and tried the trick of telling laptop to 'forget' Moody's, it works now after many visits not.
 Beautiful day visually.. no Mom.. try to not express my anger/frustration at work. Be nice.
 Training has made me a 'star' in SF.. telling me now I'm no big deal because we all a team is.. multifaceted - globally speaking, I don't get special attention - however, if I do well, I will be much-appreciated/well-employed in SF. Good enough. That works well, thank you. Now fuck off haha.
 9:03 hotel
 Didn't get rm 115, so they replaced w 2-room suite rooms, (one large) & large'ish bathroom same price.. nice
 Drove towards ocean, turned onto narrow Main St. road, stopped to photograph nice fence shadows on road, strolled out onto headlands, drive north headlands, windy, too bright, getting weary - Bragg to hotel - check in - south to Redwoods College viewpoint for 7:25 sunset... one hit of new indica - nice, but makes me very forgetful! ~5mins (?) after sunset - thought I clearly saw a whale breach - then thought I must be imagining things - then it breached twice more almost in succession, and again a minute later - 2 teens to my left and a couple to my right - we were all blown away, amazed, thrilled, having the cool experience of sharing it with each other  "Did you see that!?" Almost in shock to have been blessed/lukcy to see something like that out of the blue - distant, but distinct, almost straight up vertical, then seemed to hover there for a second slid down? Didn't see a splash.. but far away...
 .. back to hotel - hungry - but already 8.. so quicker walk to Denny's, steak, eggs, choc shake.. read a bit of '11 Minutes'.. yum! Very yummy snack meal... lots of salt - a few swallows of shake for dessert.. finish unpack at hotel.. supposed to thunderstorm tonight? I just wanna do whatever I want - this is great - love special room, friendly service at Denny's, whale watching peeps early this afternoon, group I shared 4 breaches with - that was pretty damn cool. A group experience was less egocentric - slightly bonding. No plans unless I want to have them.
 Wed Mar 14.18 nm
 Mon-Tues hours of studying CORE new slide format at work - get it into my bones - get my confidence to point where I feel I can begin to answer all questions, lead update modules - tired from sleep lack, mind overflowing - babbling - but got it done; met w/R day guy for an hour, ran through module, explained how they want us to train - used clicker etc. Worked.
 Everything is good - contacts w/several teams who want to update, Global Tracey called, got info from her about timing when we will get handouts info etc. Mon-Tue off should be no prob. Sitting in cafeteria for hours is cool - great study place, instead of feeling isolated, mind wandering, mind can occasionally take break be distracted then slip back into study. All good, Fucking cool. Yes. Too tired to talk tho - emailed Sooz and said let's talk Thur.
 New CHI dept head/regional Dallas peeps @wk today/tomorrow - training practice Thur morning - so in early, then Sooz pm.
 Tue pm groceries - berries etc - brain dead - some of last of Gil's weed, pudding and fave Maltese Falcon scenes - restless - sleeping pill p;30 - sleep ~10:45 -wake ~5:30 - heavy snooze - up 6:30?
 Okay - show on road - this can be done - talked to Meredith R Staffing at work about new teams being trained/switched to CORE - MA Monica is contact I know so that's cool - also talked to teams who use MACs or do mostly analysis, plan to get them onboard - let them know I am focused on them/their specified needs.
 And boy am I ready to argue today - as I did with Taf & Jeff - but.. don't escalate, leave my pride out of it - so long as she is professional, I need to be professional.
 Tue Mar 13.18 nm
 Still feeling reasonably good - still waking up ~4am, snoozing comfortably - took sleeping pill last night ~9:30, sleep ~10:30 - so pill seemed to do no good last night - gentle steady morning rain nice additional - oh, and JAA's bottom cheeks below merged with pussy, Beth C's - almost nightly (early morning) N's warm moist furry mons..
 "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
 I like that - try Etsy etc, it gets my work out there - try trip to Vermont border, Wildwood boardwalk, Lost River State Park.. maybe even Tar Hollow (OPIK) again? Or maybe OPIK's already been done -
 - leaping squealing laughing happy group of kids jumping towards me out of woods, by concrete path from lake to lodge - it was sound, not a visual, but a sound of youth conjuring the good feeling finally of a group of people happy to see me when I arrived at camp... Summer of 71-74. But yes, I don't think a bout LRY anymore. Too long ago. I was a child.
 I saw the religious culture and individuals around me were insane.
 Now I'm here, and Mom and Dad are dead.
 Spent all Mon studying ppt upgrade, again today - I'm good enough now to do it pretty well, but won't be able to answer all questions.
 Make that bullet/bucket list and pursue... I have one month to live - drive around east coast.. New England, Vermont, Wildwood, Lost River.. yes - important to visit childhood places. Offer Sarah W $$ for pics.
 Exercise somehow - walk daily. Doc - skin and arm check.
 Do it. Make time. Take Paid Days off - that's only way it will happen. Buy a car I can sleep in. Give Sooz back Camry. Now's the time.
 Mon Mar 12.18 nm
 Now finally after months, this week start real team training/contacts/info collection/conf room snagging/invite sending/feedback requesting - etc. - why did dept head wait till after hours Fri to call with info, rather than earlier in week so I could have prepared earlier? Got my defenses up around new dept head - see how that goes. She tends  - or in my fevered sensitive imagination she does - to put blame for everything on person she's talking to - none on herself. we'll see we'll see.
 Two days to prepare is plenty. At my worst I'm pretty good. Put my personal vulnerabilities aside, focus on getting them information they need. They can tell my focus is on them - my SF office team - .
 After laundry Sun pm, nice sunset - so hungry! - soul food - cross street to Subway sandwich - 6" turkey, chips, Fanta orange, choc chip cookies - hit the spot!
 Sleeping pill & cannabis ~9, sleep ~10, up ~6am, solid sleep - pill really works! Pretty good mentally this morning, not groggy - main mental discomfort is about upcoming training/new depot head - not results of sleeping pill etc.
 Shower, smoothie, Nomad - laundry done, bed freshly made w/clean bedclothes, paperwork mainly organized - signed last GT fb doc - check sent through mail. One-time payment for permission to use - not own, not create - my copyrighted photo - is that taxable? Doubtful. It's just a number, but to have $100K next year at retirement age would be - interesting - a goal.
 If I die tomorrow - with luck it mostly goes to K&Xo. Most important for my peace of mind.
 No major stresses - mostly all good stuff - not being divorced - health good - no painful relationships - not getting along with a family member, or ex-wife is not a sign of anything wrong with me, or with them - it's natural. Stress about training, new job tasks, new dept head - is natural, not a sign anything is wrong with me.
 Nothing wrong with me. I'm doing great.
 Bla bla - will be glad when week is done - new day downing - not really - then 4 days off on coast for 64th bday...
 We all want to have a youthful perspective when we felt invulnerable, had a lifetime ahead of us lots to learn etc - accept gifts of age gracefully. Uh-huh. Others say, never grow up! Feh - do what works, feels best to me.
 Sun Mar 11.18 II laundry 5:42pm
 Feeling unhappy - but okay.. stress of training.. mideast salad lunch = felt better! Food!.. : Spiral Garden on Sacramento - used voice control - enjoy using it - love that it exists!! Too early for tomatoes/cucumbers, got: catnip, raspberry, strawberries - sent photo of copulating butterflies to Nuria/Karen - she sent UK Mother's Day paintings she & Xo did of each other - Xo is good! Fun! Hooray for social media..
 .. then Mechanics Bank to deposit last check from Mom )& tax return) - felt sad, naturally - end of it, I thought $$ from home was done - but once again "last payment" final ending no more.. another reminder that that's well over... I would usually have called Mom today with various news items and love, and love in return.., sad...
 Gui's Dad died suddenly a week ago - I did not mention my similar situation with Mom's sudden unexpected death (missed spouse, no parents) - it's his pain.. it barely matters if I know "how he feels".. I don't, except in broad terms.. acknowledge his feelings, don't bring in mine so soon... maybe later..
 .. GT thing again..  we are.. extended rock family... like what I read about.. it's down to us.. I knew Donnette & Scott in Davis/Sac.. saw it all happen.. interesting position to be in.. as she said about Red Baron video.. only one who was there from beginning.. dark clubs, gossip, who's watch was left on bedside dresser... what ex pretended ot be cool about it.. etc etc etc..
 Downtown, comic book store, book store, gelato, park on campus to eat ice cream, drive around campus.. find 2 combs in glove box.. bring one home... haha..
 Processing feelings around training.. aside from years of independence.. from global & within dept.. also - training is personal to me.. it was my deepest darkest regret DUI night in jail holding cell: I had potential to be a teacher, but would never have chance.. then this arrived.. thank you AA, thank you Karen, thank you economic explosion... I am deeply emotionally invested... and grateful...
 .. in Berkeley book store I thought: I want to train, my emotional need for it can exist independently - now I have opportunity to be better trainer/speaker - these are skills that can be taught and learned - so I can learn them.. like anything, I will be imperfect at first, then get better - no one expects me to be perfect at first few times.. hone those skills..
 ...don't go looking for trouble.. but choose battles... only push back if it will do everyone some good...
 Bowl on way home: eggs, salad, clam chowder (potato soup), raspberries...
 A day to myself with plenty of time to do errands (garden store, bank, food), and recreation (ice cream, book stores, IM/photos with friends).
 This is good. This is excellent. Because I am anxious does not mean anything is wrong.
 Sat Sonoma drive small towns shops good dinner with good old friend Eric - we are growing old together - (smile).. yes.. talking about our pasts, current news, and Summer music fest plans...
 .. washing machines broken.. no spin cycle.. soaking clothes in dryer for an hour, at least.. feeling better tho...
 Sun Mar 11.18 nm
 Whaa.. daylight savings.. also again, no sleeping pill and up ~4am.. mild anxiety/excitement about upcoming training I suppose.. pressure.. it'll be fine.. stressful, uncomfortable - but fine... it is understood by all involved that it's a big tasks for us all - a lot is being asked for, and virtually nothing given back - compensation-wise.. oh, well....
 Sat: Gville, walk across bridge - visit/walk around/photos cemetery n top of hill - nice/foggy all day - not cold nor windy, pleasant and beautiful misty -
 Attempt unsuccessfully to deposit Tax/Mom checks; gas up - south from Monte Rio on Bohemian, pleasant - mind empty - enjoying nature/green backroad hills valleys - Occidental/energy drink/apple/art shop - Bodega, visit every shop, $6 spinach smoothie - normally avoid human contact; weird social 'confidence' feels unnatural - escapism from job changes? Hyper  - something - . North, stop 1st southerly Sonoma overlook - dense fog, eat 1/2 sandwich - pee by car just as car pulls up - down steps, roll up hiking pants/wearing Mexican shoes, hang ~20-30mins, walk in water - slightly detached with moments of being clear/present -
 ~2:45 River Rd to SR, good to see Eric, comic book store, Rand Holmes (Harold Hedd) 'must-buy', 1 other comic for me - a few for E - Osaka, waiter brings is cedar sake without being asked (!) - haha - not much sushi, side dishes, Kobe beef dinner, hot chocolate dinner.. ~$200 - tell him about GT pic for fb, upcoming training biz, reading whole bible.. told me about truck, first vehicle, w/$30K inheritance, had to learn how to fix it, replacement 'pet' - discuss necessity of having expensive seats to music fests - I'd not considered they are the only 'claimed'/secure seats where we can leave our stuff - plus provide freedom of movement..
 Watch him play action video game, good flaming arrows/dragons/imagery etc... lv ~8, ez drive..  pot, tired, bit zombified - feeling better maybe now.. experiment, no sleeping pill - hmm - tonight try one again - maybe 1/2?
 I could have rested Sat, then coast/SR today - chose opposite, to have a fine restful Sun w/minimal responsibilities: Deposit checks, laundry.. yard work? Tomato/ cucumber plants! Good - taking care of myself.. my life.. I do have one..
 Sent myself this from gville cemetery:
"Avoid pettiness
 to have this life at all is amazing
 live like you mean it
 love till you feel it
 a life you do not live is still lost'
 In memory of Joseph C Powell 1988- 2007

 Heading home now.. noon.. Juliette Binoche is so cute!! :-O

 Sat Mar 10.18 9:48am coffee shop gville
 Breakfast sandwich with sausage - nasty! mmm - and no internet as usual damn it..
 Foggy, lovely, quiet, inward, just what I need..  let mind flow.. work out how Sooz/K opinion of GT letting fb use photo is okay, long as they don't lay it on me - S insulting me (and by proxy all of us) as 'sell-outs' was uncalled for, but that's her; K not understanding is understandable, since she is outsider (as she did not understand fury @K). SO nothing to see here, and no need to respond to them not understanding. As for the 'sell-out; insult, I believe I told her she could 'fuck off', simply meaning 'I don't care', so we're square.
 Preparing for new Dept head's sort of challenging/aggressive style of 'leadership'/questions - to be able to respond in a mature, friendly, professional manner - covering my own ass, and not letting myself be stepped on. I have been here for a long time - ignored by WL, and treated like an extravagance by B - R said part of what's going on is B has realized treating GFX like something at bottom of ladder does not work, so more is being invested. Good. Please do understand that if you treat people as something barely on radar for 18 years, don't invite them to events, etc - in other words, not a good relationship -, when you come to them later and admit 'treating you like you were not important didn't work, we'll treat you better now' - there may be a few pain points, bruised feelings, a 'wait and see what this means in real action' look in the eyes.
 They don't want to hear that; maybe it does not need to be said. Choose my battles thoughtfully: Will it benefit me personally to mention that bitterness, or should I utilize perspective, grab at gold ring? Look at all good stuff: new office is really cool - new layout makes us more engaged with rest of office, comfortable, great views, and my experience, contacts, training, connectivity makes me almost legendary in an eccentric way - new hire C who's kinda aggressively taking control - let him! He wants to take on stuff like photos, templates? Cool! New hire S does advanced video editing? Cool! Let her! More room for me to train. Works. Excellent. Let him shoot that tech team wants cool new shots.
 I did that other stuff because someone had to, and no one else wanted it - side effect was it organically made me visible & high value - I knew it would, and there was no need to toot my own horn about it.  No need to beat that horse. I'll be lead trainer and CORE expert, part of global training team.
 Celebrate this. It started with people telling me I'm good at explaining - an innate skill from arguing with church and Dad(?). I hoped for an opportunity to utilize and enjoy that skill, it arrived, I rode it, now I'm here.
 Enjoy what I have. Celebrate, Leave aside useless bitterness about past. Save that for my out-of-work life. At work - enjoy enjoy enjoy.
 Sat Mar 10.18 nm
 Sleep ~10? Sleeping pill worked (?) slept deep soundly till ~6.. snooze.. groggy.. considered trips... very mild headache (pudding)... Sonoma today, Sun?
 Then I'm up, shower - yes that worked.. smoothie.. coast today, bank, laundry etc Sun... Bragg overnight? Could! but 4-daya next week, so..
 Salad, plate, silverware, sandwich, dried figs, laptop, 2 jackets, new Mexican shirt, water jug, text Eric, tennies.. yes.. drive..
 Groggy, but nothing else going on.. staying around here doesn't sound great.. bored.. so, yes, drive.. explore.. ocean.. good elimination at home.. good morning stiffness, wank,  stayed stiff after.. some return of confidence..(?)
 7:48.. pee.. espresso.. head north.. nice.. not obsessing on next week's training.. it's there, but I'll have 2 full days to practice, prepare, make bullets/notes.. learning hurts, I'll be pushed out of my comfort zone.. watched.. critiqued.. all good, yes - cool! Great opportunity! Doing my best is all that is required. Excited. Be on point, honest - just do the job. Centered. Remember - I have desire, motivation, over 14yrs experience.
 All loose ends tied.. bills paid, cards paid, fed tax return/M&D's $$ banked today.
 Karen & Sooz object to me letting fb use GT pub shot - GT members and widow are fine with it. They think we are morally corrupt sellouts? Or disrespectful? It's okay - they don't understand - they have no idea how Gui, Donnette, Shelley & I feel.. * has no idea what I feel when she uses S as an example of emotionally distant man who hurt his wife. Naturally, in her position she sympathizes with the wife. Naturally in mine I don't want to hear Scott slandered. Radioactive truck 90mph into a wall conversation killer. We don't understand each other; and we don't need to! We are coming at it from wildly different perspectives - Scott was a friend and collaborator of 30 years; and despite everything, Donnette, Gui, Shelley (& I) will always be Game Theory. If we're cool with it, nothing anyone else says or thinks means a thing. Let go. really, drop it.
 8am - drive..
 Fri Mar 9 18 hm 5:40pm
 Most of day studying CORE stuff at work - slow going, there's lots.
 Fb video IM'd to Sooz last night, she seemed better - less depressed than last week - odd, both she & Sooz are uncomfortable with Donnette, Shelley, Gui, K, Stacey & I all being okay with my publicity shot being used in fb video - Sooz called me a sell-out. Weird. I don't understand - but since GT, widows and I all think it's cool fun - we win. They just jealous :-D
 Funny thing about $$ - payday today - well, in order... there'll be $2K for pic, but that'll likely be months from now, so starting last night:
 Last check from Mom's estate, bank accounts/such arrived by mail from Anne: $12,420 - wow! - , today's payday ~$1.8K, just got Fed tax check ~$900..  let's see..
 ~$15K.. nice.. kicked my savings up to ~85 (75 after annual predictable outlay). So Fri is money day.
 I am not thinking of tithing - having lost Mom (and Dad 4+ years ago).. feeling need for nest egg. We will align investing as situations arise.
 Last 2-3 nights waking ~4 then heavy snoozing... not good.. weary.. gonna try pills Doc gave me - very mild - sposed to help with sleep.. maybe see Eric Sat and do Sonoma Sun? Or.. Sonoma Sat/Eric Osake on way home.
 Been a little quiet w/N - but feels natural - she busy, and maybe intimate V shares.. maybe necessary break after that - see what's going on. It made it all very real, and outside our fantasies.
 Tonight, groceries... considered laundry... hmmm... just weary.. spend couple hours(?) in the new cafeteria looking over CORE stuff.. oh, new dept head flying out from CHI Wed-Thu and I'll be training a group or two w/them & R watching.. I guess it'll be okay...
 Guy who said he'd come get roof rack twice or 3x and didn't wrote again.. I'm not responding.. something wrong with this picture...
 Called Verizon, paid for phone - there were some extra charges I was not aware of.. but it come to an extra $10/mo for tablet.. so whatever...
 I prob don't need all this stuff - I know I don't! - but - good to keep up w/technology - that's the plan...
 Saw article about Allen Ginsberg's little cottage behind house on Milvia, where he wrote Howl.. looks like mine.. reminded me how cool this cottage is how much I love it & enjoy it - perfect...
 $10 falafel lunch/dinner again.. get a little gassy from it - but not stinky? Not like meat farts.
 ~1/2 way through Hitchens' God Is Not Great.
 ... k... groceries... better weed?...  I think I'm actually looking forward to training - I enjoy it, excited about being a better trainer.. first times w/new material naturally will be how first times are - learning - getting timing/words down... so all good.. plus R, who is sposed to help/do LA, is totally lost.. it'll work...
 I thought - did mom tell me - she had about $150K so I figured we'd get about 30 ea... did she say that? But I figured medical stuff would eat it all up..  she wanted, like Marge, to spend money on us while she was alive to enjoy doing that... poor Mom damnit - she wanted more.. as do we all.. as so we all... we all got to go when our time is up - no one knows when that time is... so live now and do everything you want... she did lots... but that last month - classes and all...
 I had a thought - that, I think, in some way I reminded her of Dad - she called me Richard once.. mentioned how that never happened with anyone else... I look like him, talk/argue get angry like him(?).. it's a nice thought, is all.. that her last minutes, some part of her experienced Richard reading to her from the Bible, holding her hand... she felt safe, and then she went to him...
 Thank you Mom and Dad.
 Niece Lisa was driving in town, sent pic looking up at my bldg topped of w/fog, I send back a shot looking down towards where she was. Cool.
 Lots of little cool things like this happen I barely notice, but make life cool/.
 Tom visited Shirley/went with Beth & Anne (?) to put Mom's ashes with Dad's. Maybe i will visit them someday. Maybe - if I live long enough. And - do it now - visit Wildwood NJ, and Lost River State Park - and maybe Tar Hollow again?
 So then.. groceries, reheated Vietnamese cattish chowder dinner, 3 hits of these useless pot, and one (says take 1/2 -2) of Doc's anti-depressants that he says work for sleep. Life continues interesting.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Today was a good day - studying in cafeteria at work.. bought an ice cream sandwich - - very cool space - people drop by and say hi. .  :-)... feels kind of friendly.. Wow, cool. A raise is earned, would be cool - for now, it isn't going to happen, drop bitter boy business, enjoy the ride - it's about to get interesting. Amazing. I am going to be a presenter, trainer, teacher... like I want to be. Want what I have. It's more interesting than slide work... makes me high value... utilizes one of my strengths... keeps me employed... I meet everybody...
 Thu Mar 8.18 nm
 Just ~1 week away from 4 day Bragg Birthday vacation.. 64.. rrhh.. yay!! I made it & and Thriving!
 New Mexican blue bag, white shirt and large white shirt-sleeved shirt arrived - that was fast! Blue bag for Bible - good size.
 Freecycle guy emailed again for roof rack - will put it out this morning.
 Donnette asked some questions about non-disclosure form GT pic asked us all to sign - he gave good answer - I thanked her for due diligence - post-Gil, this opportunity to work together on something is cool. We exist as a group. No sure, but looks like I'm more willing to reach out to Shelley than visa-versa - still about my photos? - no direct responses to my IMs & emails. Good to know. Thaw with K&D.
 Good to know. Cool. No problem I don't think.
 This weekend visit Marge and John.
 Last 2 nights restless sleep ~3-4am? Enough tho, not upset about anything in particular I can see. Normal suppressed grief?
 11 days till facebook page connect - it affects my whole life - I am aware of it at some level almost 24/7. back off and do more constructive things with my time - Etsy, drawing, singing, walking, live music, theater, etc?
 Helping the new legal guy at work find org chart of top peeps/CSS.
 Yes - live a little - be happy and joyful - life is full of awful things, we're all gonna die - can't have life without death - so enjoy every sandwich.
 Wed Mar 7.18 nm
 Sooz bailed on Tues phone call - no prob, I'm always a little relieved, as I was on TV nights, but also always glad for it - we are both basically shy introverts who want to be left alone but not be lonely. So we're okay.
 Signed a form for GT photo - don't even know if it was mandatory - all that was mandatory was permission - Donnette's pushing back on some of doc stuff - see what happens.
 Romance (?) novel Nuria recommended arrived. No Fed tax check yet; curious about Mom's estate - how did this suddenly appear? Likely it was mentioned and I forgot, or assumed it was part of previous checks.
 Sore throat Tues am, but not today - good, because if I had another cold after 3-weeker ended 2 weeks ago, I was gonna deny Christ. I learned what an apostate is - someone who changes their mind about a religion, who understands what they are doing. Since I don't think I was ever a genuine Roman Catholic, an adult who understood and believed, or had faith in the theology/deity - I'm not anything except human.
 Because I told L I was gonna read Bible, she asked if I was gonna get religious on her, that tiny light that burns in my soul flared (as it had years ago with Iain), warning she was Satan, did not wish me well. yep. Life-long. But I know its a lie. So it's okay. reading the Bible will be interesting as I face it again and again. Fear and pain, insult, letting down my parents, fearsome ancient brutish authority hurting children.
 Knock it down, if I live long enough I may overcome my youth to larger degree.
 I've heard this, what I'm feeling - facing mid-60s with both parents dead - that I'm not wishing to be young again, for sexual power again - I want experience of "being young", as if the world, my body and self were new, to be explored excited about - possibilities. Mom said that - it is common. Normal. Yes.
 Showered last night.. what steps can I talk re 3 new things: Etsy, Bible, food.
 I bought bible and have new larger bag on way to carry it.
 Sign up for Etsy - worry about product later.
 Eating Falafel every day.. Buy: lentils, rice(?), cucumbers, sauce(?), falafel balls - wrap in tortilla (?).
 I can't print articles etc so easily as I used to, because work printer is way down hall - by on for home? Or - get kindle on phone/tablet?
 Had some crystallized ginger last night - looked it up - pure sugar - not that great, I just liked concept/words 'crystallized ginger' - sounds fantastical. Dumped remainder in trash this morning.
 two people contacted me about roof rack, put it on sidewalk, end of day, still there - flakes? Or did I not respond correctly?
 Tue Mar 6.18 nm
 Sleep ~10:30, up ~6... alarm 6:30.. refreshed, comfortable - back in a comfortable routine, days longer.., birds singing in yard.. dishes done, trash empties, electronics working,, regular digestion, finances reasonable - throat a bit sore!?!  From eating Stilton cheese before sleep?
 3rd contact about roof rack, but he hasn't emailed back. Shelley for through to GT photo guy on 2nd try.. all good... see how this plays out...
 A few grand here and there is nice, but... $1.3K tax return, $1.5K (after tax) for GT photo, maybe $1K (?) from Mom's estate Anne just wrote about... and what does it matter.. even if it was $200K, would not assure a comfortable retirement... if I have 100K when I 'retire' still gonna be essentially fucked, poor, fixed income, etc. A regular paycheck is a nice thing. So no sense in worrying too much...
 I have this moment, today - health, this breath, a safe assumption that odds are good I'll live though this time of sun up till sundown...
 Keep Morale up - don't hang around people who are mean to me (Tom), who have chosen objects over me (Shelley), who deep down have a cockteasing heart of stone (*)... easy decision.. let them go... compare any of them to the least of my friends who care a little about my well-being.. easy decision.. I know it, in spite of wriggling nerve wants to want them just so I can make them take blame - unknot that knot.. walk away.. let go..
 Have a good day... I am alive and whole.. this is good - today will be good - tonight I talk to a friend in Oregon.. life is good...
 Mon Mar 5,18 II bed 8:15pm
 I dug the day - settled in @wk already
 In hr early, 9min walk to EC2 for dentist/clean - all looked good - digital x-ray - said no long-term concerns, nothing to throw insurance $$ at.. considering what I walked in with, real good..
 Dept $350 State tax return on way back to ST - nice brisk day for a walk - streets w/ working class people like me, winter white morning light - I think I like working in a place that isn't also a shopping center like EC1 - city streets, traffic, lots of other workers, instead of shoppers like at EC1.. anyway, different... reminds me I'm not special, just another worker...
 Facepages, complex chart recreation under pressure, more or less got it done... top guy Vern called for support, said nice things about me something like "Simple job like this a waste of your skills." not in those words - last week Sara DC blonde top global ADAPT person said "You're the best we have." (Graphically) - wow - thank you - new hire photos from LA - checking in w/TSG about extensions for facepages.. free cereal/milk, coffee - a cafeteria WTH? So cool - I dig new space - everyone high/happy/excited - come on... this is a blast.. $10 Falafel from cross street, ordered on phone went got it - lasts me lunch & dinner, and is healthy/vegetarian - nice. Tom & Beth/Anne put Mom's ashes in the wall thing w/Dad & Ruth. Weird as fuck, that dust idea - but people do it. Anne said she sent everyone checks from Mom's estate.. huh? - knew nothing about it - assuming that's her bank accts, cash on hand etc, like not to come to much..
 Got everyone's okay for GT pub shot in video.. hope it happens - hope I get paid... short check-in with the guys was cool, we're till Game Theory. GT plus Stacey & Kristine - power memories & connection in that group . shared experience, grief, aging..
 'Modern' new phones @wk, but no instructions. Have used my Skype-y headphones twice.. work fine.
 Reading God is not Great - he's just fun to read - a popular intellectual -
 Mon Mar 5.18 nm
 Sun pm drive to Bowl for berries/salad/pudding, etc, Rockridge for Stilton, coffee/red magazine about Boys In The Band revival/'out' gay actors, Telegraph/Alcatraz to vacuum out Camry.. that was good; car garbage was getting out of hand. Need to organize tapes.
 Sleep ~10:45 - good sleep - anger/tension around work changes - new boss etc - trying to let go - it's on me to deal with it.
 In early for 10am dentist - see how walk times out - $350 state tax check arrived.
 Sun Mar 4.18 II 3:30
 Lady dropped by for roof rack - too big for car.. rgh..
 Hang, chat w/Buff, angrybirds, find Mexican shirt/show place online (on shirt label - duh :-D ) - order another white shirt, a short-sleeved green shirt and hand bag: $170 - mideast salad lunch; weed, prune datura, sidewalk bush, bucket list to do now:
 Read Bible front to back
 Sell Frida pics on Etsy
 Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home
 Good list. Hummingbirds.. longer days, more light.. Mom's death is all over me - make note -
 Walk to Bowl for pudding, salad?
 Hippie girls

 Sun Mar 4.18
 Ahh.. up ~5:30, considered coast/Sonoma loop.. felt so good to chill relax in warm bed.. did that.. up~ 8am.. checked weather, may be sunny on coast, but cold.. I'm good with chill weekend..
 Could do some gardening, but it's all wet from rain - Olampoli? Maybe - be nice to get out for fresh air... on way home drop books at Nicasio... hmm..
 Off fb for another 2 weeks - so far not too much trouble - tho wish I could post to let people know where I am -
 - Sat talked to Will about use of GT pub shot - contacted Gui/Donnette/Shelley/Kristine/Stacey for permission - said ~$2K for me, ~200K for ea - need permission from Scott & Gil's estate - need by mid-day Mon - for a video by a major social network company - cool if it happens - he seemed really happy that it could get done - says ** loves the photo - whatever - a talker - a bullshitter? - not sure I care - - but I do, or would not be so focused - it is a compliment they like photo so much - we all know it's a good one -  just get it done - kinda cool for everyone involved, why not? If it goes through, it'll be my photo & their faces/history for 3mos nation TV(?) + a year online. Whatever that means...
 ... haven't heard from Shelley yet, Donnette said she'd call today.. a bit awkward contacting K, played it straight, she responded w/no drama, so that's good...
 ... Roof rack on Freecycle, got  a nibble this morning.. then pulled back..
 Sunny today, no breeze... hmm - Tilden maybe after all?
 Another nibble - bite? on roof rack - says she can get it working & pick it up any time today...
 Now working out arrangements for 10:45am roof rack pickup.. fingers crossed.
 Nothing more yet from Tom in Cinci w/Shirley - checked msgs on home phone - one from Shirley, on xmas, thanking me for reading bible to to Mom.
 Her atheist son.. doing it for her... I got to give her that back for all she did. Family. Special gift to me, to make amends for grief I caused her. That bible is now the Family Bible, regardless of who has it at the moment.
 Everything is a test... not everything is a test... nothing will be thrown at me I can't handle.. losing Gil is intolerable... I am tolerating it... paradoxes.. get used to it
 Watched some Firing Line with Hitchens last night - cool - next.. TED talks? I have put too much weight on them - ease up, let go - watch just for entertainment, presentation skills - maybe learning...
 I am sorta hung up on that last moment with Mom - let go of that, too - time will release me soon enough; let it.. If I want to feel good about being comfortable reading bible verses sincerely thinking of her comfort, then be glad for that small comfort to both of us... that was her gift to me, maybe Dad's and churches', too - they impressed upon me importance of being kind/generous, thinking of others first/helping.
 Mom thought she had weeks, months, years left to do things she hadn't done - playing dulcimer, learning email... 
 ... learn from her 'mistake'. There is no tomorrow. Do not fear. I can do anything I want. She was depressed after Dad's death... 5yrs.. our calls/visits helped keep her afloat...
 What am I putting off? Religion? Wisdom of religion? So - next.. read that bible front to back. Too big? Get a bigger shoulder bag. Done. That's a good one.
 And - make an Etsy or something with my Fridas. yes. Another good one. Something I say I'll do after I retire.
 Also, cooking cheap and healthy at home.
 Yes - 3 good ones.
 And.. pay someone to come dance nude for me?
 Huh.. hmm..
 So yeah - I'm on facebook's shit list.. only smart thing to do is play it safe - remove all figure art - download/delete those images/folders. It's their game - wise up.
 10:30 - headed home for 10:45 rook rack pickup.
 Life is good.
 Sat Mar 3.18 nm
 Think I covered it all last night...
 Slept well, rainy.. comfy bed, quiet mind.. up around 7am.. parents dead, so no one to rebel against.. it's normal, don't feel guilty...
 Looked back at week: 3-Mo anniv of Mom's sudden, unexpected death > new office > amazing views, modern interior > new dept head/organization > new job intake ot get used to > Dept supervisor morning guy out W-F, so I open 7am... I didn't fail.. couple of awkward social interactions; nervous blabbing may be embarrassing, but not a threat to my survival & not too late to adjust my behavior..
 Greg from Omni forwarded vague email from their distributor, asks about using LN GT close-up photo - need in a hurry > "rights are 3 months US broadcast and 1 year digital/internet." Offered to pay.. might need signed model releases, gotta be done by EOD Mon > maybe a push to sell GT product? I responded offering flexible cooperative support, & contacted Gui, Shelley, Donnette through fb backup page & email. Now I wait.
 Big week > I did well > and this morning I feel relaxed and content, having taken care of business...
 Mideast salad Fri dinner > snacking on dried figs satisfies munchies...
 I'm not over that Mom died... parents are Gods... our foundation...  I want it back, look to Charleston WV, Catholic church teachings for perspective, & to bounce myself against..  that's point, right? Bounce against an immovable object, you take on qualities of object.
 But main thing is I feel good now, healthy, happy, sane, honest... 
 Fri Mar 2.18 nm 5pm
 Always good to have 7am days over - W-F in early - went fine except for Thurs am when new dept head ate up hours of morning w/multiple emails, requests, complaints, phone call etc. I think I got one job done - 4 complex slides. But - cool - slept well, felt rested - that's what I've been noticing -
 - after months of anticipation/mild anxiety about move to new bldg, and not knowing if we'd have dept head - & on top of that CORE training coming up - done - studied CORE training/have materials/modules, move into new bldg 90% done/healthy veggie falafel place cross street works for lunch/dinner - new dept head in CHI, new intake mostly working... two new hires did video, pics at opening - great! Let them do it.
 Feeling lighter, stronger, less anxious - talking too much! Man, am I a talker! Gah! Just - say less. I begin to babble.
 I knew I could do it - did good - helped supported peeps, ate work food, attended BBL about Advanced Analytics/Machine Learning, laundry, groceries, paid rent, paid up cards, digestion back to normal, etc. Yes - a weekend with no plans is prime time good yeah sign that life is right. Cool.
 No tax returns yet; undecided where in yard to put solar-powered lights.. finished Chandler's Long Goodbye.. what an enjoyable yarn! Reading wiki on Algerian War & Hitchens' God Is Not Great - I questioned myself 'Why go backward to wallow in anti-religious bitterness?' - realized it's more about enjoying his fine mind/writing style. Yes! Go! Wifi in cottage, tablet talk with Sooz worked (!).
 Tickets for Nicasio BBQs (not to mention two weekends of Russian River music festivals/cottage for Eric & I) - that takes competence, awareness, planning. See?
 A lover. I need a lover.
 Accidentally pasted note to N in L's IM - we talked it out - it's okay. It is important to be respectful and not sloppy in our communications. It was more about what it's not, than what it is. It is not sign there's competition or that she is being replaced. Other friends are 'necessary company'. That's harsh - I mean she/we is/are time-tested deeper ways that we don't understand, but have lasted/proved to be true. She is still in me. Nothing compares.
 I'm not tired all the time - eating good food, sleeping enough - keeping myself mentally active - job's good for that and socializing - yes, all good.
 Tom's in Cinci w/Shirley - she went to emergency room today with pain. I don't know what she looks like. Good for Tom, tho.
 I don't regret the $$ spent on Mendo/Bragg trips - currently 71/60.. rent paid.. month of paid time off - should be able to save $2K this month. 75 has a nice ring to it. I think looking for 80/70 EOY. Forget about raise - not gonna happen. Enjoy what I got - worrying about the future and dreaming a raise will change anything is silly. If I want more $$ in bank, make meals at home, carry them to work lunch with me, like all the other working class slobs like myself.
 And heck - new view from work - still sinking in, what it 'means' - means nothing, but - I am surprised at where I find myself, maybe it means I'm smarter, more competent/ talented than I know. Maybe it means I can ease up on myself. But mainly - it means I am fortunate, lucked into this position, find myself in a slot where I fit well - sharing this cool experience, celebrating move, success of company, coolness of SF, and SF views.. all I have is because of others.. once I accepted support/love, things started going well - I admitted that fear was not working, I had to do life even tho I was/am afraid. Millions of people created /defended this culture, morals from silly religions, parents, family, economy.. I had a thought about it last night - death of remaining parent - put s whole new perspective on things, there's no more relying on youthful illusions - need new illusions haha. Adult illusions. I say I reject movies, but no - look how I read books & articles about movies, reviews, watch clips on youtube, Maltese Falcon endlessly - don't lie to myself - I'm a product of this media culture like all rest. Get over myself. I'm no better. No in that shallow way.
 And yeah - pretty damn cool in new bldg - so modern! No reflection on me personally - we all need jobs - I have somehow shifted into this cool position in cottage. yard / skylight / very cool housemates, job in tall bldg. Works. Nice. I like it. It has high value. I enjoy it. Yeah.
 Wed Feb 28.18 laundry 5:39pm
 R gone W-F, I'm in 7am - was a bit concerned, since: new job intake system, new building, new temperamental dept mgr... Assertive new hire (1 year?) feeling oats.. but gets things done and learns fast! Still, in some areas, because of my experience, I know more than he, and he's cooling off a little in response.. so it's good... plus, I'm okay with him being efficient - makes my job easier, just let it happen...
 ... will he take over from R.. do I smell something in the air...?
 Slow day, too - yay! - got papers partially organized (CORE, new bldg), explored nearby cafeteria (ooouuu..!), got headphones for Skype... practice new job intake.. getting better... chatted with Sarah Dey about ADAPT, what it is & also enjoying new office layout trade-off: less privacy vs. more community/socializing/contact/less hierarchical.. yes. cool... couple easy jobs, new hire photo of cool programmer geek girl who liked my Frida montage... all good...
 and yes, amazing fucking views... such a treat... millions of jobs harder, suckier, less pleasant, less creative, no training, no fulfillment, no view, no light, etc.. so yes, blessed and grateful..
 Sent couple snaps of view to sibs.. Tom's response:  "Wow. Incredible. Benefits of working for evil, soul corrupting corporations." Haha.. y'know.. an opportunity to be 'nice', instead does passive-aggressive, I-was-only-kidding, you're-oversensitive shtick. It is not ever going to change. Let go of dream of getting along with him. Have a regret if I like, twinge of embarrassment over memories of bad behavior he saw... but I'm better now. No there there. This is guy who, in front of other, asked for bible I was reading from to Mom when she took last breaths... everyone understood, given emotional circumstances, I would have it, or maybe be family bible - but he had to have it because he was with her when she bought it? Makes no sense. He just needed attention.
 Maybe I should overlook given, as Joan said, we were all raw/not in best shape. On other words... he does things that annoy/insult me/make me stay away (on top of him  showing no serious interest in having a friendly brother/brother relationship), but this case, where we were all shattered, let that one go - that was not him in normal day-to-day sense - it cost me little to let him have it, state my piece 'Long as it stays in family' etc - not having it around keep me from over-sentimentalizing about it etc.
 So it's good.
 Well-rested.. good coffee at work - $10 falafel place cross St good for lunch and dinner, along w/wk snacks. Pretty cool..
 Long chat w/Sooz last night - been phone only for months(?) w/Skype audio fucking up... got tablet/fb video IM working last night.. cool! - told in some detail about viagra experiment - she depressed... Jack's drawing and music...neighbors etc...
 Tue Feb 27.18 nm
 Good lord, 1st day in new Salesforce bldg - wild, big-ass panoramic views - at same time learning new job intake - getting in setting up no problem, free food, 2 new folks took pics, made video of office head Neil C talking, etc. Lots of free food, no privacy - modern bathrooms. Amazing views... height no problem, used to 33rd, 48 not that big a dif. Sent pics to friends/family.
 Dentist next Mon, need to get back over to EC1 - walk - ~6 blocks - 20min walk each way?
 Darcy (CHI dept head) coming out next Wed to dept mtg. She backing off making us reinsert all of Feb into new Outlook system - impossible. The WebEx training was not welll organized, much left out - lots of questions/misunderstandings.
 Rent due.
 Sleep ~10? Wake ~6:30.. considered staying in bed but.. eh .. showered last night... smoothie, Nomad. Bring salad & PBJ fixings to work today? There's an expensive cafeteria cubbyhole at wk w/thumb recognition for emergency rations - but 2pm 1/2 price Greenbar health buffet is thing of past. So - bring food - yes - cheaper, healthier.
 Appreciate the new views, modern workplace, opportunity for this experience.. this is the real world etc. More like Facebook, Google campuses.. grab, take hold of, invest in opportunity to learn new things, see how they can benefit me. GFX stuff.. visual aids.. things I like! Good things to know if I have to look for new job!
 Be positive. I am - but was pretty blown away Mon.
 New conf rooms modern, good acoustics, big clear screens - way better than funky broke down CRs at EC1; that will help with upcoming CORE training.
 How does thing change my life? Not at all. I looked around cottage last night - getting feet on ground - , touching, absorbing, appreciating, being grateful - that is real, my living space, bed, kitchen, bathroom, shower, yard, Buff&Dj are real and real high value. Never forget - doesn't change anything - I am still funky creative neurotic Robert - an adult who can get things done/take care of myself.
 Still 8hrs a day doing GFX.
 Nothing to fear.
 All is well.
 Life is sweet.
 Mon Feb 26.18 m,
 Slept pretty well - got a few things done this weekend, aside from V experiment. Camry roof rack on Freecycle, cleaned out Camry - moved books/tapes into trunk - now to clean out trunk! - , lunch w/Stacey Sun.. kind of intense - fun meal on Solano sushi fusion place - emotional talking about 'not failing' while out there, and that both of us did well - she functioning around Gil's death -  all considered, could have stayed longer but needed to get to car stuff, and was feeling a bit overwhelmed with Gil grief - but visit more - she invited;
 - anyway, groceries on way home (Vietnamese catfish soup for dinner), Dad/Mom photos arrived in mail, also God Is Not Great & holiday lights, ordered a sex and art book N recommended: 11 Seconds -; L sending bring me soap dishes last five buffacados in mailbox, sprayed shower stall with bleach, paid UBER card balance and got info on when to pay, read more of Chandler's Long Goodbye, etc,  - so - yeah, a few things. Clipped nails, washed hair, emptied bins, visited book store.. etc!
 V seemed to help left shoulder discomfort/stiffness(?), right knee bugging me on and off - esp going down stairs - .
 No access to main fb page till Mar 19, means no daily or nearly daily comments, music/pic uploads etc.. no liking other people's uploads.. I sort of disappear,, it seems to make a diff - somehow, less contact throughout day - , but really not... it takes up less mental space... hardly miss it, except to miss sense of being visible...
 Today first day in new Salesforce bldg.. no idea what to expect...
 Been to sleep a bit early, then up 3am (today), 4 -5.. and snooze till I feel like getting up... works.
 CC's paid off, keeping tighter grip on $$ - maybe start bringing lunch/dinner to wk (from Bowl, or home made) -
 - I love my yard & skylight, comfy bed with 5 pillows, art, reading, neighborhood, job, friends, health, neighborhood kitties - this is a good life. Today will be good - no big deal - same job in a different bldg - there'll be changes, maybe eventually higher expectations, tasks to learn.. I'm lucky to have this good job w/benefits and opportunity to train, grow grateful.
 Between taking care of situations around Mom's death & experimenting with V & discovering it still works well, just age-related softness - I feel kind of refurbished.
 Sun Feb 25.18 nm
 Downtown Mexican place for enchiladas/2 $8 margarita's which I did not feel at all!! Maybe just as well, food was good, but $8 for a small weak drink.. ehh. No more drinks from that place. Bookstore after, got Chester Brown's book/comic about his sex life w/prostitutes.. reading Raymond Chandler's The Long Goodbye, such a addictive read, read it years ago - getting more 2nd time, first time noirs often intentionally confusing.
 Tight throat this morning - Google search says sore throat 'rare' reaction to viagra. Probably dust/mold/allergies.
 Shared V/O details w/N, videos - she enjoyed, we both learning, really cool fun to have someone to share with, even videos since they were actually informational - sexual fun was secondary. Since all pics were of her, and she enjoys me enjoying them, it all fits together.
 Mk totally blocked - "Jan 7 2018 Was shocked at the rude retort"..  Jan 25 friend request, 27th sexy vid of porn star talking about female sexual empowerment.. I did not respond, so she blocked. If we were going to move forward, we needed a serious talk - didn't feel like that was in her cards. Just checked - can see her from backup fb page - but still no strong desire to let her know what was up/why my firm pushback.
 Sleep.. ~10-5:am - internet till 6, snooze till ~8...  a bit dazed - work changes... it will be fine. yay. I can do it. I will not fail. They are not going to come at me with unreasonable demands. I am anxious. Almost any job, there will be anxiety around tech changes etc.. breath, learn, go along, be cool...
 ...should I be
e.g., taking initiative, classes, in-dept training on e.g., Tableau/video editing/Illustrator? hmm..
 ahhh.. nice quiet morning, then lunch with friend... slept in... bed I made, in cottage with skylight, in super cool south Berkeley neighborhood near Berk Bowl... cottage/yard in decent shape, tech: UBER/GPS/wifi/tablet/phone good, 2 credit cards building up credit (that's huge, be grateful); V experiment turned out cool.. best erections in years! I will not need so many Os (5 in one day), but good to know. Nice feeling 'manly' again.
 Working on praying for people I'm uncomfortable with - Tom, Shelley, Nan... doubtful about friendly 'seeking each other out' relationships, but at least release me from burdens of resentment, fear, hurt feelings, grudges etc. It's not 'too bad' - it was not to be - there's no 'there' there that 'could be, if only'. It simply isn't. There's no 'thing' that is anyone's 'fault.' Nothing. Let go let go let go. Bye. I'm free.
 Free of all resentments.. not likely... on other hand, people w/a lot to hide, or run from, self medicate etc.. as I did.. I don't drink, use, self-abuse, generally I am good to myself, love my friends, accept their love - if I was a little uncomfortable w/Gil saying I was his 'best friend', that was perhaps because he was a beloved, respected public figure - I was uncomfortable with effect it had on my pride/ego, attention, etc - in private, I understood/loved our closeness. Oh, okay.
 Breakfast bagel, 2 espressos here.. sore throat.. 10:30.. head home soon, shower, Stacey's around noon.
 Sat Feb 24.18 nm
 Stress-y emotional Fri, last day in EC 1.. walked all floors, chatting, sending pics to N - it'd be easier if not changing job intake at same time, but R took care of Feb.. webex training was too much, unclear - but in-dept hand-holding helps. Boxed stuff  - 2 dept folks will take pics Mon am, I do usual hours 10-6:30. Bring meals?
 Last good-byes to north view of Bay & Coit.. 18yrs of being grateful.. reminding myself how fortunate I am... many years of  - every day - making a point to enjoy view, after 14yrs of darkrooms, unhappiness, feeling lost, self-medicating - wanting a better job... not nostalgic - I'm glad I did that, and now moving to higher up better view.. changes! Uncertainty! Normal to feel off-balance - we all are - grab hold.. enjoy this amazing experience! Sure it is symbolic - not  accomplishment, not reflection on me personally - well, to extent that I've managed to keep this job! I have so much to be grateful for - no need to over-analyze the pleasure of this move.
 It's cool! Kinda cultural/historic - moving to tallest bldg on west coast. Cool. Doesn't mean a thing. But cool - lucky - like having the Nomad here around the corner. Like me getting lucky to be in SF during dotcom boom, having skills and stickiness to land at Bain and have skills they need, and looseness that suited my personality and visa versa.
 Oh - tried V again; idea was take one, no masturbation/experimentation - home from work, casually pop one w/water, like a painkiller, and forget it, while also checking for side effects.
 Results: no side effects except ginko-type internal restlessness (I think from blood flowing more quickly); took one ~4. ~5 no bad side effects - loins felt entirely normal - , so masturbated/came (had waited all week, big globs poured out), and yes, stiffer, larger(!), longer-lasting. 1.25hr later tried, came again.. well! Bowl groceries/NE clam chowder dinner - ~9 a 3rd cum.  so 5 hours later, tho I've heard it is in system for 4hrs.
 What I noticed was, when it is easily stiff, naturally it is easier/more enjoyable to masturbate - even tho, esp 3rd time, there was practically no jism, but O was still pleasant internally/body-wide/pleasure rush in head. Came 3x in5hrs?? Dang. And I don't think I have been that stiff in years - or very rarely and not for long. So, yes, okay - I see what excitement is about.
 Discussed w/N.. orgasm is peak sexual pleasure. But - like a woman who feels sexy wearing new underwear or hairstyle - having an erection feels sexy, makes me feel like a man. That's a pleasure, too. In my day-to-day life? 1x/wk as masturbation aid? Dunno - maybe not.
 Tried to pay for groceries last night with Uber card, it was rejected 2x - this morning checked card website, it looks like on one had there's ~1.5K credit, but also a $2K charge? Unclear. Call them this morning - I have a feeling this is about place in India I got V from.. cancel card, hope to get a new one. Call when I get home.
 So.. whee - new GFX dept intake hourly time stuff, moving to new office, new dept layout.. Viagra experiment last night went well - cool - I was feeling kinda old, used up, on way out.. in a weird way V makes me feel more vital. It is a useful tool. Then I have this stable life, cottage, yard, friends, Nomad, a few internet friends, at beginning of facebook break - that's good - , move to new bldg is opportunity to bring home-prepared food to work (store in fridge), get out of eating out habit, lunch w/Stacey tomorrow, Fri talked to Verizon folks, info on how to buy/own phone & tablet, I have unlimited data (hah! did not know) so all the TED talks I like! :-D
 Yet, my basic life is still simple - these are good days/months/years/hours - breath deep be fearless enjoy this moment flash of life.
 Home 11am
 Called UBER card/got it worked out - misunderstanding about how often/when to pay balance of card - I owed ~$1.6K and paid it. All good now.
 Curious about next day V - stroked it a bit, good erection (maybe not quite as stiff as last night?)/came - that's 4x/15hrs - geez. Good to know it still works - yes, important to feel like a man, to feel sexy. Why not? Normal; cultures have used herbal remedies forever.
 Lessons learned - now stop talking about it.
 3pm cottage
 Angry birds... and 5th O... geez... w/N shower vid...
 Emptied recycle & compost bins, mideast salad, ordered 2 soap dishes from L, pulled dead holiday lights & 5 avocadoes from front tree, Dad pics for sibs arrived in mail, also Hitchens' God Is Not Great. Re-doing past stuff: lost *Home* w/Mom, reclaiming through fb Charleston group, re-reading cynical rejectionist Fear & Loathing in LV, Hitchens, &  CS Lewis - taking a nother look back - and.. at same time moving forward.
 All good all good, getting stuff done - there's no Zen hippie escapist retreat - working class average person. Lucky to have a job with benefits @63 - enjoy, appreciate - if I appreciate/enjoy, have modestly gratitude for good fortune, more likely to act it and keep it. Considering the skills of some other dept members, I am indeed lucky, but experience, reputation - I have helped lots of people - , history, training skills also count. Be glad.
 Thu Feb 22.18 nm
 Lots on list is done..
 ..need to get arm x-rayed
 ...right knee bothering me - tender/painful going down stairs -, try a anti-inflam ibuprofen. Not severe pain.. hard to tell if I'm over-reacting. I think mentally I am not in great shape post Mom. Understandable. And now dealing with doubts about pain after post-Gil pain/disappearance.
 My mental attitude does seem to affect it - I assume positive attitude, say it's mental, and it eases..
 Ordered tickets for Nicasio BBQs.. accidentally ordered 2 Pablo Cruise (sell extra at event).. may have got Subdudes when I am in OR? But.. lots of summer plans, Nicasio live music, and 2 weeks in OR.. June 4-day in Gville. Same old bands - Elvin Bishop, Beatles cover band, Asleep at the Wheel, Peter Rowan, Zyedgo Flames... so I'm not going now for excitement of seeing new music.. I'm going for event, location, familiar faces, great music, BBQ, couple of drinks.. but please, don't act out.. if I can't have a couple of drinks with out making noise/drawing attention to myself like it's 1971 I'm 17 at a party, then don't drink. It's embarrassing/prob annoying to other audience members who just want to enjoy the music without distractions. I'm old enough to know that.
 Lonely weekends boo-hoo. What to do? Public events?
 Read through papers in hippie bag: phone/tablet stuff, got invite to show by HS 'friend' Tim Kennedy; I am envious. Tablet sound turned of last night? Check, bring to store tomorrow if so.
 No facebook, barely notice - just not seeing certain people's posts - not much action on backup page.. no longer filling/killing time looking for cool photos, art to upload.. lots of time doing that - for what? Showing off, confirming I am an artist - which is not true in the sense I try to project. I'm just a guy with a job, not exciting - sleep, eat, work, play, read, take care of home and garden, avoid going to doctor - like most people, there is not other paradise - make my life a paradise - take better care of myself - anything I want to do as old man - meditate, eat healthy vegetarian food - do it now. Now is it. There is no future -
 - look what happened to Mom - at end she wanted to do all things she'd been too timid to do, then she died.
 Do as much as I can - stroll past fear and do what I want. Breath.
 Constipated again.. 1.5-2 days?
 Last minute excitement at work about move to Salesforce.. old ways going out.. asked for/got dept mtg.. still gets put on me ("When do you want to do it?") instead of happening regularly like it ought to.
 Slept okay -~10:15-6:15 - pot I got is weak - break up the joints. Dream of someone bullying me - physically? can't remember - dark guy in dark clothes - I just remember talking to him, and later asking "Should I get some of my friends to beat you up?"
 A lot of people spend/enjoy time alone - this is normal. Abnormal, or sad would be no public places to hang around people - I come to Nomad every morning for shared space.. ladies behind counter who know my name/what I want - thiers' is a public service - then to work, with lots of human contact.. at night I have quiet time alone, and generally I want that! In bed with laptop, youtube etc. Last night joined TED talks.. watch a few of those - looks like good advice. This is a good life. Cool. I am happy. So something is going right.
 Wed Feb 21.18 nm cold!
 Wifi in cottage costs only $9/mo router rental. It's convenient not having to hook/unhook to wall every time.
 Work hiccups, R called in sick, don't know if new dept head Darcy is coming out today - close early Fri, then in early for opening of new building Mon. R out W-F so I'm in 7am.. rgh. Did 1hr standup CORE training practice, feeing okay about it. Practice snap-to grid.
 Tiny bit stressed about next week's move to Salesforce tower - excited, too - smaller desks, no scanner, which - since only I use it, for personal stuff - is a non-issue; less privacy - do facebook on personal tablet/phone? - is no big deal.
 Figure out Rebel Canon work camera for pics that day - will it do video for Neil's intro talk? Wild! We'll be on 48th floor of tallest bldg on west coast. Damn. Cool.
 Also, summer Nicasio BBQ gigs coming up, days longer, big work changes - training? Dallas hub - open 24/7? Cool. And I, with my experience, am needed.
 Enjoy these days - spend time with Buff & DJ - attend some of their gigs.
 Work work work. Save save save.
 "They raised us to be good people. It took a while, but we got there."
 Finished CS Lewis's Great Divorce - dislike know-it-all cold-blooded tone - reminds me of emotionally distant clinical Catholic stuff - tho I the logic. Their approach is: being human is bad, being alive is a sin, being emotional is dangerous, pleasure is sin, sex is bad, life is pain - cold as ice is best. There is a better all-love existence waiting for us after this planet - and if we enjoy our hairy, sweaty, yearning bodies here on earth, we will not receive our heavenly reward.
 Oh, bullshit.
 Sleep early again, sleep well, Nan on my mind.. pray for my enemies - Lewis did make good observations about how we make ourselves miserable with pride and fear - pray for Shelley, Chris, Tom, Nan to be happy and well... whatever my petty feelings - enjoying unhappiness comes into their lives - blaming for not loving me more - , I recognize those feelings for what they are - weakness/fear - , and despise them - so I'm not totally fucked. Can I wish her such happiness that I can visit with a heart full of love?
 After work Bowl berries, eggs.. pudding... yep - pudding... gotta refocus on eating well.
 But generally.. good.. over weekend upset about viagra not being all it's cracked up to be, facing reality that penis-pleasure-based fertility possibility of marriage family sex life is over over over and now I move into old-age, at least post-evolution need for me as father/deliverer of sperm is done. Now enjoy the rest. Laugh. Pressure is off. Sex was as much a painful hassle as pleasure - enjoy relaxation. No more judgment by women/society. No more rock star illusions. Goodbye illusions. Goodbye fantasies. Life is now more real/better. Because I always knew the fantasies were fantasies, protecting us from harsh reality.
 In early to train @10am. Boom - here goes.
 How showers in morning are nice.
 Tue Feb 20 18 nm cold!
 R emailed he's out today, I was headed to NM so here I am - not like they been there for me.
 Set up cottage wifi this weekend, put Nomad wifi on phone, added voice control, other web tech stuff. Good to have it done.
 Mon ~5 downtown for dinner, spontaneous top o' Solano burrito - that worked - underground Spain comic collection from Pegasus, 1.2 priced books for Fear Loathing LV.
 Sleep early> Downloaded and deleted Angrybirds 3-4x - fun sort of  - addicting, way to kill play for a couple hours...
 Unhappiness this weekend - as always, with free time when isolation loses in.. volunteer? It's been this way for always I think, even as a child.. unnoticed to go out - know I'll be rejected anyway so why bother. Mom dead and viagra disappointment slap in face wake-up call, what's right? Do best I can every day, deal with black dog/all other human pain, it's a win. This breath. Life is pain. Right now my yoke is light. Enjoy this while it is here these are good days.
 Set up tablet for facebook IM/friended Sooz on 2nd account (while frozen out for a month for naked painting). She accepted but watching Olympics, so no call till a week from today.
 Cold so didn't get out much this weekend, but did - mainly for dinner.. tried viagra, set up tech, laundry, cottage tidy/clear out extra clothes, dishes, yard work - cool. No frozen. Not paralyzed. My share of sad feelings, but got things done, didn't roll around frozen like I did in my youth. Contacts with internet friends. Facebook is important - but let's not make it everything.
 Put Dad's Moses & Venus on horiz yard wall stud. Don't need them in house. Having been Dad's give them no extra value. Junk shops are loaded with stuff that belonged to our parents. So I let them go.
 Mon Feb 19.19 nm President's Day holiday
 And so lucky, lots of people do not get these holidays off - in spite of low pay, there is so much else: daily social contact, great work atmosphere, great view of SF(!), expert at app when people need support, free meals, interesting lunchtime talks (!), access to Photoshop/video editing for personal stuff, don't know if desk till have room for scanner... learning about new technology - phones, cameras - from workmates.. all good.. a raise is always nice, and deserved (?), but a couple extra K/yr would really not make that much diff -
 - I could be more careful with budget, less generous, make/bring lunch to work, eat out less, save Ks!
 So go along/get along at work - do check with HR about path to compensation discussion, to show I'm serious - but be nice, friendly, pleasant, not-bitter, not frustrated. Make it best time they've had all day. They will want to help then. Do it in a way that is just business, like any other kind of work, does not sit on my mind, cause resentment, take glow and joy out of life.
 So.. no fb for a month. Good, If I find myself depressed or bored, what does that say about my life? New outlook needed.
 Sleep early - rough sleep Sat night - emotional stress around V test - like, for all playful flirting talk, sexy gif shares, etc, nudes from my youth - behind that 'facade' of sexuality is a 63yr-old man well past his sexual peak. I will be more comfortable living with that. No more bullshit. It's common, but not making me happy.
 Sleep ~9-6:30, wake from again travel dreams, waiting for bus BART with too much luggage - moving work to new building is disruptive for everyone - take time to settle in - give it time - I can do it - I will not fail. Do not draw attention to myself, be helpful & supportive.
 Up ~6:30 feeling emotional disturbed sad - looked into it - losing you mother is a big deal - illusory as it is, she loved me/us like no one else, needed me like no one else. I wake to a new world - we are born/wake into world from the safe womb, we leave home for school, leave home to live our lives, wake to a world of responsibilities, - what was it - wake up to a world without parents, taking responsibility for one's own skin - and now wake up to world where I am old, not ancient, still healthy - one mighty say in my prime, that is still have my health, and a reasonably good adult mind - but early 60s/single - one part of that is accepting that my genital-based sexual life is over, my sexual desirability is over. Do not flirt with women at work. 
 Do not flirt with women under 50. It's uncomfortable for all - them, me, observers - and pathetic. Younger women who like me are not flirting with me. They like me like they liked their dads. This is normal.
 So much more to enjoy in life - nature, season, friends, working my garden, reading, art, music, thought...
 People go to religion to be reminded every day of good in life - I do it here in this blog.
 Looked into indications of prostate problems - I have none. Right knee bugging me, but when I tell myself it is psychological it goes away. I think it is grief-based, waking up and knowing my life now is without Mom. Sad. we are all sad, us 6 kids. we know she was special. Of all my Dad & Mom's siblings, only they two had kids. Well, Jim, Dad's bro has a couple. So. But 6 kids! Needed church to remind of of joy in life every day. She found comfort/wisdom in it. Why was I only one who thought to read to her from Bible? Maybe others did, too? Doesn't matter -
 - in crisis moment of need - Mom's last breaths, contacting everyone - I did not fail. Driving Tom to hospital I did not fail; as pall bearer I did not fail - all six of us kids lifting her coffin to hearse in rain - we needed that bonding, loving minute. Bringing packed photo albums to UPS, I did not fail.
 I did not fail. I am not a failure. Look to that - in a crisis, I did not fail - that indicates a mental and physical infrastructure of responsibility. See what I mean? Another gift of sorts from Mom - that our love and appreciation of her was so strong, it brought all of us to her doing our best.
 Struck down. God's gonna strike you down.
 New day. New breath. Good times. Spring a'coming. 4 days on coast in one month - 4 days in Davis May. 4 days in Guerneville in June. 16days in Oregon in July.
 Today set up wifi router, clean out car, maybe end of bed junk tidy.
 Look like wind may have died down - walk downtown? Walk to north Berk, bus back? Walk.
 Pot was my vice, my fun, my friend, my youth, my coolness - not no more. Pot is nothing, an anchor - a sleep aid, like warm milk. Brings memories. Let them go. Coolness is a thing of youth. Let it go. Let my kindness, generosity and patience be my cool.
 Act my age.
 Let go of facebook.
 Sun Feb 18.18 II bed 8:07pm
 Not much.. seem spaced out maybe from Sat pm combo of: not enough food, too much pot, an edible and viagra... bit depressed - came home to mideast salad and felt much better.. yes, hungry.
 But also chatted in detail w/N about viagra experience - and emotional side: it is over-hyped, it did not make me feel 17 again, or bring back youthful sensitivity or mental passion - just kept penis stiffer for longer. Um, big deal.
 Big'ish laundry since Buff/DJ away, went through clothes drawers: tossed several t-shirts, sweatshirts, long-underwear, underwear & socks - put in empty plastic file box on Shattuck. Felt good. Long hot shower, wash/trim hair. Downtown looking for hot soup - chicken udon & sushi roll/hot sake - that helped, too - 1/2 price books, got small Spanish phrase book.
 Back at car, telling myself it's good to drop illusion that maybe sexual prowess can return.. no - I'm almost 64 - let go... said "Accept reality, it's not that hard... rgh... I knew it was coming.. rrgghh... no big deal... rrggg" and other puns... because last night I learned, indeed, it has shrunk significantly, even with V it's nowhere near full 30yr-old 8" at orgasm length.. no no.. maybe 5".. and low sensitivity... really only O is good - and sometimes O is very good! So there's that. I can still enjoy everything about being with a person... but not penile sex much. There we go. I knew it.. have been avoiding it... had high hopes for V... but.. no. It only goes so far, a short distance. Not a fountain of youth. That was hype. Life is good.
 I was a baby, a young person, now and adult, and moving into old age... embrace all goodness left to enjoy.
 Brought books, including Mom's history books up to book share.
 Tomorrow: call Stacey? Put music/books for Nicasio in trunk - clean out car - wash and vacuum? And more yard, cottage - and if the wild winds die down, maybe a Tilden stroll.
 Sun Feb 18.18 nm
 Sat gardening/chopping/weeding, bank cash/quarters, groceries.. not much else... sildenafil from India arrived.. hmm, weird feeling around it.. like, this pill will not make me nor my penis 17 nor 35 again.. may help keep the dick erect, but not restore my sex drive, or penile sensitivity.. so it's odd...
 ...uncomfortable to face this, my age, my declining body, declining physical pleasure.. this morning feeling uncomfortable.. will get over it.. it's a topic fraught for many, not only sex, but declining sex drive, and simple fact that as one ages, sex drive and  function declines...
 .. and last night, took half pill, yes noticed erection lasted longer, even 'better' with whole pill.. but.. did not make me feel like a teenager again... does not restore passion.,. something wrong, illusory about it.. too much weight of expectations, over-hyped...
 Side effects: Face flushed a bit.. maybe a bit of stomach upset.. mild euphoric.. but mostly just blood stays in penis... okay.
 Anyway.. sleep early again.. 9'ish? An edible with 3 hits.. maybe too much,, also no dinner except bread & soup ~5.. so, eat.. this experiment has tossed the dirty laundry in my head around.. I'm almost 64... the idea of fucking/penis-in-vagina sex seems a little far-fetched..
 Then.. posted a friends-only gallery of Vladimir Dubossarsky & Alexander Vinogradov > fb instantly booted me for 30day. Sigh.. wtf? The painting is so inoffensive! I appealed but doubt anything will help - fuckers. Well - not bad timing..  and I have backup page for IMs, as well as phone apps.
 Buff/DJ gone overnight.. do a small laundry. Rest. Yard work. Up for couple hours ~2am.. stayed in bed till 9...restless.. I think it's the pill..
 Get out for a walk, even a short one in Tilden.. Windy, but fresh air will do me good...
 Home now and eat healthy mideast salad.. could help.

 Sat Feb 17.18 nm
 Couldn't stay up Fri night.. sleep ~9..? Deep sleep all night - waking to mostly forgotten travel stress dreams - a few nights of that this week - maybe related to work move. In my life: leaving WV-Pgh age 13 (Catholic to public schools mid-school year), then back to WV-Pgh middle of senior year.. yeah, disruptive. In anyone's lives these moves are disruptive.
 No self-pity - no value add - it's not about me. "Poor me" is a lousy way to go through life.
 I'm seeing it clearly now, at work during move - how world revolves around me, how attention-hungry I am. This will be easier if I see myself, behave myself, as a member of a team. One among equals.
 Fri got some stuff done:
 Booked Bragg for 4-day rm 115 b-day weekend
 Photoshopped Dad/Mom scans, sent to Walgreen's for prints, emailed to sibs, mailed originals to Anne
 Top of Bridge Rd pics to Chas memories group - lots of comments - this has been a cool, interesting few days of memory sharing
 Brought home more stuff from work pre upcoming move (using free wheeled luggage cart): sweater, hoodie, scanner, JFK bust (!)
 Endgame sticky snot head cold
 After work pick-up LMI wifi router (for Sooz Skype)
 Fatapples burger/fries/shake (tasteless burger, undercooked fries, "chocolate" shake: actually vanilla with fake-tasting choc sauce added)
 Groceries/soup/salad/fruit on way home
 Reading CS Lewis's 'Great Divorce' (Moms' notes in end indicating she reread ~6x)
 This week I spent ~4hrs studying CORE stuff & training style - hold still, eye contact, close laptops - , feeling on top of it. Cool. No big deal.
 Considered Bragg with upcoming free Mon, but figure take it easy since nose still snotty/slightly lightheaded
 This weekend: call Stacey, maybe SR sushi, clean out piled junk at end of bed
 Also - while reading Mom's CS Lewis book: I have struggled a bit with feeling 'special' having been reading to Mom when she took last breaths - prodigal son etc - also knowing at a deeper level it's simply not true. Thoughts: I did not fail - I read to her sincerely, thinking of her, not me, and managed to IM sibs when nurses said she's taking her last breaths - I did not fail. I can take some comfort in that fact - I did not fail. But more accurately - we as a family did not fail, us six kids came together, with all personality differences behaved pretty well, got things done, focused on taking care of Mom, supporting each other. And more - we as a family, Mom, Dad etc did not fail - it was not any one of us accomplished something, we did it as a team, a family.
 With Dad's death there were some 'failures" - I did not have credit card for rental car, did not have GPD device and got lost on way to MTown, did not have texting/phone. But - I learned from those failures - well - actually - it was only after Gil died that I decided to get phone, learn texting/GPS, to give myself something to do to take my mind off grief.
 A learn here may be - don't wait to learn things I need to know e.g., work stuff/apps. I procrastinate a lot. Then make excuses.
 Face these weaknesses fearlessly. Do something.
 I can enjoy that memory - that she was not alone - but it doesn't come to much really on a personal level - it's not my memory alone - we all came together - and we can all be comforted that Mom was cared for and in the end we call agreed that reading to her from the Bible was a good thing. We win.
 Cool. Let go of that illusory burden. Nice being an adult. Good advice from church, even if most of it goes to far.
 Anyway - who knows who knows.. I think, 1st anniv of Gil's death was rough - a few rough days and nights - , plus Mom's death now is 3mos past, getting a grip on work changes (app, training etc), and 2-week cold nearing end.. Spring beginning to appear in the air - wishing to share it with Mom - wishes do not help, think instead of happiness she did have, and that she & I did share while she was alive. No sense in focusing on things lost. Focus on what I have today. I woke this morning feeling things were in order, and that I was okay. I did not fail. That's important. And I did not do it alone. That's important.
 Life - is good.
 Put JFK bust photo on fb - Wynn (Gil's 1st wife) says she wants it - that had crossed my mind. Cool.
 Do my best. That is all that's required - but it is required. No giving up. No moving backward.
 And again - an ass well worth immortalizing. Thank you for working with me. 1979

 Thu Feb 15.18 nm
 Bad travel stress dream, with Matt Davis from GT tour, flew to LA - forgot plan was to fly back to SF same day then to Dallas.. I was trying figure it out, or a story to explain, but to not go! Woke up thinking it was my fear of missing flights, but maybe actually my fear of exhausting one-day flights; one-day trips to LA were causing lots of stress and physical/cognitive wretchedness - being pressured/bullied to do a task that sickened me, and facing that pressures was depressing and demoralizing - you find out that 20yrs as a high value employee earns you squat.
 Non-B companies have not asked for training lately - is it a lull, or - as I suspect - WL talked to B about it, B had to stop? I didn't mean to play that card, my conscience is clear, but may have balanced things out nicely.
 Almost 2 weeks of this mild but annoying head cold. Get some meds to dry up phlegm head?
 Book a hotel for 4-day bday weekend - I think I'm considering something other than Bragg - probably expensive since mid-March is be top whale-watching time.
 Email says the cheap fly-by-night viagra has been shipped - let's see what happens. Phone says I received a SPAM call - related?
 Posted a video driving up Bridge road to South Hills, Hickory two days ago - within 24hr dozens of comments, shared histories, nostalgia memories: man who's dad built Rusty Beaver's stone castle house, people who knew Mechinsky's, Peytons, Botkins, ex-newspaper man who knew Dad - all locations in my mind, many more, roads I knew mainly by name and drive by, etc - so cool - all in 1st 24hrs, people reconnecting - Stone Rd, Rock Cliff -
 - reminds me of all the good times. Forces fact that one must take bad with good - we went to good schools but missed school with neighborhood kids, dad had issues, but gave us a good house, food, schools - took time off to take us on cool vacations - did his absolute best. For that I need honor him. He was alpha male, man's man, poker player, public figure - I was his feeble sensitive kid.. naturally it was not a good mix me feeling hurt, ignored, him wounded by life, emotionally distant, angry.
 But it's my life now - he and Mom long gone. Live my life best I can.
 Dad Mom Dad Mom will I ever get over looking to them - they're dead - honor their ashes - they did great, they were amazing, survived situations that crushed other family members. They rose above their life disasters on faith and duty, raised 6 kids, best they could, to be good people.
 "Come up quick this might be it" - how did I even get that done? Then tossed glasses onto open bible I'd been reading to her from. I was blessed to by having that moment I did not earn. But Mom earned it. Good for Mom. Good for Dad. Thank you both. I did thank them over the years, tho their response was always awkward silence. With Dad, in his later years I showed my gratitude with kindness and supporting words, with Mom with calls, openness, effort, love and care.
 So it worked itself out. Glad we had time. Glad with Mom she waited till we were all there - just like in the stories, and the end like a movie, being read the 23rd psalm. Morning, warm, children all nearby - hand held - that was the time she chose.
 Looks that way anyhow.
 Read 33 1/3 book about making of Another Green World - my college album - cool.
 Now a couple of Mom's small CS Lewis books: The Great Divorce & A Grief Observed.
 This weekend maybe Stacey, Eric?
 Had a moment yesterday of everything being okay, not a care in world - I don't mind if I have some more, but old I get, likely more difficult time.
 Enjoy every serene moment. Occasionally get high and watch movies. Occasional 'escape' is a-ok. My hippie cottage w/garden/music/colorful lights.
 Tue Feb 13.18 nm
 Stuffy still, but not bad.. stayed busy @ work, looks like Sheba is in, a good match.. cool..
 Sleep ~10:30..a bit of restlessness ~4-5.. maybe 'cause out of cannabis - & Harlequin is old and dry.. no effect.. get more..
 Time to regain control over food intake.. I want to be less heavy, healthier... bouncier...
 Call LMI today about wifi, and send Dad scans to sibs...
 Posted videos of Bridge St drive on fb group and enjoying responses/shared memories... the hobby shop at top of hill.. driving winding WV hills during winter..
 I read somewhere, don't ask for nudes.. if they like you, they will want to send photos, want you to see them, to show themselves and share their attractiveness.. in recent experience, yes, I have received unasked for pics.. thank you.
 Not much sensation in penis.. sexual/sensual pleasure more in other senses and enjoyment of person and giving pleasure - curious to see if stretching and keeping hot blood intact w/viagra increase sensation. No need for fear or embarrassment talking about this  -I'm almost 64 - normal.
 Got music working on new phone - yay!
 Mon Feb 12.18 nm
 Sleep a bit rough because of cold stuff, but very mild snootiness/lightheadedness
 Sun pm in bed, music playing - Sloan, from Gils iPod, Reach Out! - Harlequin, lightshow, red lights in bathroom that I love, watching youtube waterslide videos - felt pretty good, in the moment, if I feel that good, fed, comfortable, happy, enjoying music and colored lights then I'm doing okay - this is my life. comparing myself to Dad' s life - he was a different person - only takes joy out of my life - I am not supposed to be Dad, I'm supposed to be the best Bob possible.  I am happy and healthy. Win!
 Got a lot done this weekend, and rested, and connected - so glad for Lo, K, Nu, Buff etc - would be so lonely without them. Keep honest.
 Take it easy today - get some pill for drying up sinuses. ~1x an hour I have to blow nose pretty violently - no one wants to hear that.
 Call LMI today about router/wifi.
 Sun Feb 11.18 II home 7:25pm
 Got some good things done.. cool.
 Nomad morning with egg/bacon breakfast bagel - quite a bit of nose-blowing.
 Checked projector from work - works, but could not get laptop to hook up, and decided I don't care, nor am excited to project my photos etc large on - what wall? Gave it to DJ for Unitarian Hall. Offered Buff painkillers for back pain - nope.
 Tossed/organized papers on side of bed, went through top two junk drawers, tossed lots. Dishes. Shower. Long IM w/N - she sad/friend died, feeling old. Sent gifs and chatted, asked about plans, asked if she mb's, encouraged her. Mideast salad.
 Chat w/*, tell about ordering viagra from sketchy online India/Paki site; * suggests asking about generic - drive to pharm, ask, yes, ~35/tab.. meaning ~16 per half. Cool - good to have that talk; and to have that settled. Bowl for salad/soup, berries -
 - chicken soup dinner & cold tea.
 Minor tidying.. put roof rack on neighborhood list - thought there'd be fistfights on the sidewalk for it - I was so wrong.. moved car to south side for streetclean day tomorrow
 Vacuumed, re-did electronics wires by bed, played w/phone & tablet, stereo was not working, took wires apart, seems to work now - take a couple minutes to warm up. And - found music did come over from old phone to new. Good to have music in the cottage. Yes. Music. Silence is oppressive.
 Lots of little things put in place or tossed - more to do - this was good start, also just good to see myself doing it - not paralyzed into a slump by deaths etc.
 And being more fun, myself with friends.
 Projector out
 Viagra info
 Bed papers
 Good meals
 IMs with friends
 Moved car
 Books to car
 Fixed music player
 Found my music on new phone
 Feel out new phone & tablet
 Folder of best Mek pics
 House/life feels more under control. Cool. I feel more in control. Cool.
 Sun Feb 11.18 nm
 Still cold'ish - constipated since Fri - rrgh - doesn't help.. occasional snotty/phlegm cough.. slept pretty well, can breath through nose.. fair amount of snot this morning.
 On whim ordered Viagra online - used Uber card so if it's a scam not much $$ to steal - super cheap - looked it up online - after, duh not before -  site said you can never tell! but no one said really dangerous, from India/Pakistan, most comments said even w/delays pills were real. There's also legit Canadian places I can send prescription to. Check in with Fitzer about prescription. Probably prescription is not transferable.
 Got stuff done Sat, big laundry, groceries, set up fb video chat on new phone, long chat w/Karen in backyard on Buff's wifi, Buff came out chatted with her for a while - so now I know I have to get wifi if I want to use phone/tablet for Skype. Expense is a concern, but I'll learn how to use, also be able to stay in touch with K, Sooz etc. So worthwhile.
 Spacey from cold, hanging clothes knocked over porcelain nude w/faun (again!), broke into pieces - glue!
 Put psychedelic playful color finger touch app on tablet - played while scarfing pudding.. umm.. well, that was "fun" for an hour.
 Dispensary today for indica.
 So maybe I was coming down w/something before Dallas > added to sense of bring emotionally fragile - back Thu > next Sun came down with lightheaded sore throat. Hmm.
 Joined another WV fb page - Charleston memories - posted pic of me & Dad on capitol grounds.
 Today - let's get cottage in order, also bleach in shower stall, lots of junk to get rid of - books, projector from work I apparently will never use, 8mm video and screen for 8mm videos I obviously do not care much about (!!!), yeah yeah - do it. Maybe take a walk.
 Yes, good to have this nice weather global warming weekend to chill. Get some real cold meds for Mon. Take a sick day? I got a month's worth now.
 And - yes - contact WL HR and ask about path forward for compensation analysis. Because both Randy and Darcy said that is path. Do it. Do not take "No" for an answer. As for support. Ask for path. Even if answer is "No", there must be a way to get an answer. Due respect demands I get an answer, else the system is broken. If I do everything right and no one can give me an answer, then issue is systemic. Now that I got ball rolling, to stop will leave blame for failure at my feet. So check in a friendly respectful manner with HR.
 Has to be done.
 Sat Feb 10.18 nm
 Making note of cold symptoms in case it becomes flu. Started with sore throat/lightheadedness ~1 week ago. Not bad, but gross and annoying.
 Work was kinda embarrassing with nose-blowing/sneezing/coughing, but got it done. Paycheck put me in good shape. Licking belly of 73. Thanks to parents. Someday I may truly appreciate how great they were, how lucky I/we are/were. Maybe I do now, despite seeming insurmountable emotions. Maybe insurmountable emotions don't matter. Family is family. Maybe I do not need to fear family.
 After wk Fri got new Verizon phone & tablet - hoping tablet Skype works for K & Sooz. Maybe others? Total cost for both ~$400, monthly plan goes to ~$110. This is how I learn - get devices, see what I like, up- or downgrade device and/or plan as necessary. It's a bit of investment for Sooz, but A.) it's important to have good communication, B.) laptop Skype noise ended Skype w/both Karen & Sooz, and kept communication from expanding further - so this is good. I did good. Going through list, getting things done. Hope it works!! Test it today!.
 Today - put roof rack on neighborhood free site.
 Laundry. Groceries. Cottage tidy. Organize electronics - too many cords :-O! Clean out drawers!
 Bed early last night after yummy mideast dinner salad - before 9?? Up for a while ~midnight.. Harlequin.. sleep pretty comfy till ~7 - grateful cold is not fucking with my sleep, that it's not a flu up till now. Cold from Dallas flight? Who knows! Out of pot - grab some hi-CDB medical indica today.
 Joined fb page WV's living in other states - fun - shared some photos, Sunrise carriage trail execution marker - found info online! - did I find before and forget?? Anyway, pretty cool history. Been wondering about it pretty much my whole life. Dad & Mom walked us up that trail. We took classes at Sunrise, saw art exhibit, bought toy dinosaurs. Cultural touchstone. Used to walk there from home. Different times.
 Finished E Leonard's western short stories -
 Looks like a nice warm day. Home - dishes, tidy.. look into.. gonna be a quiet weekend to give body plenty of time to get rid of this cold.
 New phone takes much better photos, and sharper better color onscreen - music did not transfer over - but my fancy plastic music player may have died.. so.. hmm.
 Life goes on.
 Thu Feb 8.18 nm
 On-&-off scratchy sticky phlegm throat still around..  otherwise, mainly okay, slightly light-headed, bit of runny nose, skin little sallow (?) this morning... lackluster.. textured... puffy... took two work ibuprofen to see if helps clear up throat.. throat is not sore, just has some gunk I'm trying to cough up - hack hack - eww..  sounds gross.. at work maybe take breaks, gargle hot salt water, don't gross everyone out with hacking -
 Niece Lisa dropped by w/bf Robert on Tues, handed off silverware scoopers from Mom's set, showed views from office, walked them to Embarcadero 4 eateries...
 Taking it easy.. Sooz said her bad flu/cold started with sore throat.. lots of sleep etc hoping to head it off.. maybe too late.. if I'm sick for a week, then stay home...
 w/this week's paycheck, savings ~73K, 19 PTOs. plus another 18PTOs earned this year...
 So I'm good.
 Enjoy life. This moment, this breath is all I have... I have music festivals with an old friend, 2 weeks on Oregon coast, nostalgia visit to UCD in May. Yes yes. Good life.
 Do Dallas finances today, work on scans for fam, send to be printed..
 Yeah - body slightly sweaty/weak.. something up.. either prelude to flu, or something mild working through.. I was thinking/hoping allergies/mold/pollen from last Sun on coast.. but.. no, get real - I got something... be prepared... be good to myself & body...
 Anyway, slept well, Sooz said def get Viagra, women like erections... next week bring suitcase and start brining personal work stuff home... no idea where GFX will be... kind of excited to be in big modern bldg with amenities nearby...
 Almost done with E Leonard westerns.. so these were in those Men's magazines I used to sneer at.. so.. huh...
 Wed Feb 7.18 nm
 Scratchy throat on-and-off, generally feeling a little light-headed, some morning dizziness - is this related to stress of training myself on CORE stuff and upcoming training? Psychological? How it comes and goes indicates as much.
 Keep telling myself it is psychological and walk on through it.
 2 hours Tues: 1 walking through stand-up training, 1 reading manual. Felt good - most all feels familiar - need to dig into details of coloring charts etc. Learn templates.
 Learn Canon Rebel camera also,
 Tues got email to sign up for Lynda classes - cool.
 This could be a great year - keep positive! Smile! 10 years of Taf - no training, no dept meetings, no communication, no information, hostile walled-off from dept - affected my attitude, affected whole dept attitude - cynical. Despairing. I did what I could on my own and that worked for me pretty well.
 Up early to Nomad Mon left me drowsy all day, slept in today forced myself till about 8.
 Tight throat, phlegm probably allergies/mold(?) - mold is a reason to keep heat on while I'm on coast (Buff comes turns it off). During winter leave it on.
 Tues pm E Leonard westerns on BART, groceries/berries, call Sooz - on phone because Skype not working - invest in a tablet that does Skype - worth it for Sooz. Get one at same time as new phone with better camera more space. Today.
 Talking to Sooz about $$, how I might have $100K in 2 years, she says that won't last if I live till 90.. well yeah, I mean no - but what's point in worrying, there's nothing I can do? Too late, too dangerous to invest in stock market. Worrying about past was a drag - worrying about future also a drag. Worrying about health failure etc.
 Past is memory, future a dream. Enjoy this breath, this morning light, this coffee, this smiling counter worker who knows me by name. The new learning at work. New challenges. Life is good.
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today!
 Tue Feb 6,18 nm
 I'm doing a little self-care is all, a little self-care - which not used to? Saving $$ instead of being generous by default - are those days over? Need to stay solvent & be responsible for my own hide, instead of putting $$ out hoping karma will kick some back when needed. yeah.. but... home is gone, Dad and Mom are gone.. Shirley will soon be gone...
 Detached, manic in Sunday.. wanting to feel connected to this new post-Mom/home/Gil life.. where is happiness...? Work home eat relax on weekends garden enjoy friends music reading... no more illusions of being famous artist or artist at all etc? No pressure. I had my 15minutes. two counting both GT & Frida. Let go. Frida was 2012, Scott died 2013. GT rereleases over a year ago. Same as Gil. It's been one year, maybe takes two. Give it time and enjoy every sandwich.
 Might for common decency at some point write to Mk, explain what was going on w/other friends that did not leave enough time for a thing.
 Today start 2hr 2x a week practice for CORE training. They also asked us/GFX to take pics/video of Salesforce tower first day. Cool. Culi & I, or hand it off to Sheba who has a good camera that does video.
 Good. Life is good. Life remains the same - house, friends, job, car, diet.. all same.. just harder because of deaths... good thing, is.. let's see.. Game Theory was all in past, dead, history... nostalgia.. memories.. with friendships grown out of it... Scott's death, and Gil's was opportunity to get all that history out.. full enjoyment of all tour etc photos and videos to an online audience...  who knew? It was a sad joke to think someday they might have value, but.. God, what if I'd thrown them out?? So 2013 - death - 2017 Gil death/2-steps re-release... ~3.5 years of Game Theory revisit. Now it's over. And what remains?
 Let go of letting go. It's over. It was fun, then and now.
 Now get on with my life. Visit Stacey.
 Do my job. Be confident. I can do it.
 Photograph a few artworks and make notes about who gets car, quilt etc.
 Mon Feb 5.18 nm
 1st 1/2 SuperBowl downtown SR bar w/Eric, chicken nachos.. book store.. lv for home ~7 - ez drive, everyone watching game. Bed/sleep ~10?
 Deep heavy sleep = Sun was long day, wake ~7 in need of more sleep, but.. wank, smoothie, Nomad ~7:30, because tired or not, I value this quiet morning time to myself.
 Re work, I don't have energy stamina enthusiasm I did in 20s, 30s - 40s even~ - post-DUI I was highly motivated to get/keep this job! Recognizing my weakness at complex jobs, I took on other tasks to increase my value: training, photos, photo archives, facepage, hands-on customer service, events attendee, office-wide contacts - do they balance out? Well, I hope so. Does my 20yrs experience balance out against younger FTEs who can do more complex work faster? Again, the case can be made - terminate me, bring in someone younger who is good at job and gets paid less (?), but lose my experience. No doubt it's done, but probably they need a real reason. Taf more or less accused me of being "Unwilling to do my job" - in public - that's the nub - if I'm willing to do it, and do my best, if they then let me go it will look like it was age-related.
 So always be willing to do my job.
 Set up two 2hr slots/week to practice CORE, also Canon camera?
 Mail Lisa's silverware, get rid of Roof Rack.
 Groggy, dizzy, blurry Mon morning. S'okay - normal. :-)
 One last time, talk to HR in WL/East Coast about compensation - that is what both Randy & Darcy have said to do! So do it! I asked for a path, they gave me one. Take it.
 Sun Feb 4.18 Gville coffee place 2:20pm espresso/blueberry scone
 Straight to Gville for coffee/BLT, walk across gville bridge, see where music fests will be, Monte Rio, south on Bohemian.. decided a drive rather than ocean walk, whatever I felt like - doing, feeling freedom to do what felt right at moment, was most important - lovely hot day, w/cool breeze - lots of work stress thinking, let it go, let it play out, let go of it... this is what day trips are for.. stop in Occidental, stroll - it's a strolling day - energy drink, mocha - sip it - um - I like it! Visit 'art' store, get two ceramic pieces: giant blue abalone dish deco dish for back yard, sensual dried flower holder for wall with clit hood/clit design nice colors - $140 + $35...
 Stop in Bodega town, stroll up hill through church property to Bird house, up 1, pullover for mideast lunch in big blue bowl, pics/IMs to Eric, K, Lori - helps me to be alone without feeling lonely - K going through major major stuff - give her/them a break from my stuff. Support her and Xo. Do take care of myself around Mom - pretty sure I'm having depression about it; men commit suicide under this gloom. park Duncan's landing, binoculars, hand and look at ocean - slightly detached but better - less overwhelmed - sending fun photos & IMs to friends.
 Treating myself to ceramic gifts and BLT :-).
 Warm sunny weather helps - today I'm feeling like two things need attention at work: 1.) teach myself CORE stuff to train, 2.) teach myself Rebel Canon. Do those two things.
 Spring coming - planting new mallow = good sign. Find home for roof rack now by side of house. Get rid of old fridge side of cottage.
 Death of a parent - last one - significant - don't downplay it, don't let anyone invalidate my feelings/reaction; Gil & Mom's deaths influenced/impacted decisions/reactions to last year's work mess (dept mgrs quitting, new people to train, dept remaining open with only 3 fully trained FTEs, etc). We are human. Human beings. Human.
 I am anyway.
 Sun - wide open, Sat did errands/rested to be fresh today, slept, didn't need alarm, Nomad, Smoothies - easy drive and let thoughts flow clear out settle - work tensions/ anxieties need to process - fantastic weather, fun food, walk, Sooz car, healthy food with me, gallon of H2O, binoculars, shop for things I like to make yard even more beautiful - now meal with friend.
 Life is good.
 Sun Feb 4.18 nm
 Bed early'ish, woke w/no alarm ~6:30 - headed to Sonoma coast with some food & water..
 Sat Chat w/Buff about yard - new mallow for southwest backyard corner, decide yes - Dry Garden has medium-sized diff color; Orchard to pick up sharpened hedge clippers, no mallows; East Bay Nursery on San Pablo, only small rusty small ones - Bank for $100 quarters... home - chopped back sidewalk orange flower heap - sharpening helped! - , dump 2 bags of pebbles on paths, walk to Dry Garden, not going to work to order a mallow, buy one they have with dark red/blue flowers, half-price - $15 - cool. Plant in yard. Sit with Buff in backyard, tell him mallow shopping/decision-making story, ending with - it's already planted, and he was so surprised & pleased he had tears in his eyes.
 IM w/Nur, mideast salad lunch, Telegraph Ave for new Panama (I asked Hat Store lady if they'd got the Alameda Flea Market pics I'd sent to husband, she said yes, & her husband died, asked about Tina - if I run into  Tina ask her to drop by store.. looked pretty grief-stricken - sad). Peets - Moe's..
 On way home, Bowl for berries, salad..
 Pull out some Mek pics, more explicit than I'd remembered.. first time I've looked since it ended. Some photoshopping. Lovely.
 So, Sat: hedge clippers, bank, Dry Garden/East Bay Nursery/Orchard mallow shopping/planting, chop/trim front bush, gravel in paths, lunch, Nuria, new Panam Hat, coffee, groceries, photoshop/revisit Mek pics...
 And now.. 8am, leave for Guerneville, Sonoma see how it feels... good to get out, get away to something I enjoy - time to myself - yes.
 Shut up at work, I need this job, I want this job - make an effort, go extra mile to welcome/work effectively w/new dept head. Bumps inevitable - but make it work. Be an asset, not a pain in the ass.
 Life is good. Relaxation is good. Trips to ocean are good.
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today!
 Life is sweet.
 Sat Feb 3.18 nm
 Oh lord lord yes a morning that feels good/normal... Dallas training/short-staffed week done with.. made it alive.. a hint of Spring just a sense of it over the hill, but enough to sit in backyard/guzzle smoothie...
 Considered Sonoma today, but best to rest body & head, woke @6:30.. hmm? back to sleep till 8:30.. ahhh, yes... coast Sun; Eric/meal, or empty books out of Camry at Nicasio?
 Today: Pick up sharpened clippers from Orchard, pebbles from trunk-to-yard paths, quarters, cottage tidying, groceries.. yes.. life.. walk to Bowl. Enjoy. Breath.
 Looks like K may get nice King's Lynn house she & Xo like.. IMs w/Vic Fri, might need Lbs5K? "would cost me $7.5K but on table if yr in a corner." Fair enough. But then - not needed. Phew.
 Did budget, pretty good, credit cards/rent paid, overpay on Uber card returned to bank.. I noted that I am not thinking in terms I used to, to give away/tithe past certain amount of savings (anything above 50 gets tithed out) - ; losing Mom (&D.. poor Dad, the afterthought).. Feb rent paid & no outstanding expenses, stands ~71, minus predictable more like 60... 2 Feb paychecks coming...
 Also - yay! - Fri both Fed & state taxes - real easy, remembered to subtract that $10K from taxes .. PDF on screen, remembered to attached W2 forms... State the usual $300, Fed higher I think, ~$1K.. and paycheck seems to be ~$100 higher.. so okay.
 Dad & Ralph, thank you for taking care of Mom.. what was left over, mostly from D&R, came to us after Mom died.. It was from Dad.. triggered by Mom's death... she was probably extra frugal to make sure us kids got more, so thanks to all. Remember. See that example of how to live responsibly. Work work work, save save save.
 'Course there's no unions nor pensions.. so work work work till you can't.. reality.
 Lisa silverware ready to send in Kleenex box next week.
 Say @65 I quit/retire, move to Bragg trailer park, live on Social Security, walk/read/meditate, seek serenity/health, try to sell Frida stuff on internet. Hmp.
 Or look for a boring cheap town somewhere awful in Oregon. Haha. I need to consider my happiness and sanity, and grocery store. Haha.
 okay - 10am..
 I'm talking too much at work, talking shit about new dept head - shut up, keep positive attitude. Be myself, be honest, don't eat shit, but try to be friendly/positive, suppress more annoying personality aspects: arrogance, know-it-all tone, argumentativeness,... etc. Let some things slide for common good.
 Morning quiet time, morning quiet time, here at Nomad.. is good.. yes, waking mind...
 Love myself like I love K&Xo and people I love. Wish me well.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Last night, vaguely recalled live Johnny Cash song that excited me, no details, just venue.. search search search.. ran across a song he did with Marty Stuart, search search - found it!!  - Doing My Time.. oh and so good! Fun.
 Thu Feb 1.18 nm
 Okay quick - need to get to work ~9:30 - tho Sheba/ Eric/Culi may be there..
 Sleep ~9pm w/Duke Nuke'em & pudding, slept deep & well, up @7:30, towel barely moved. Good - got this over with - it's a lot, they jammed our brains to overflow, but we can do it. New dept head from CHI is notorious ball-buster no-nonsense etc - people tend to quit on her - but I can always suggest, look, obviously I'm not cut out for CORE training regime, I'll train a new SF Core trainer, go back to slide production - no problem. So see - it will work - but remember, among other things, good things about this job, is seeing same people/faces/depts. every day keeps loneliness, isolation at bay. I sort of see isolated hermit as a romantic figure, but that figure is actually in pain - so do not fantasize it is desirable.
 Okay - good digestion, cleared out the DAL meals - home for quick shower then work till ~6? 9:30-6pm?
 Wed Jan 31.18 hm bed 8:06
 Back from ~4 days Dallas Sun-Wed - man it feels overwhelming, and tried to talk to new dept head (in CHI) about frustrations and compensation, but got sort of tense as she pushed back - she's intense alright, but we knew that - just not close up. But you know - a.) they're not going to terminate for me for asking for a raise, b.) how would they 'punish' me, not give me a raise? hahahah.
 Message I got was, talk to HR.
 Meantime - invest ~4hrs a week on it - it is not my thing, organizing/training new trainers/keeping up with them, etc - lots to learn and lots of detail work - but I can do it.
 Flights went smooth, hotel nice, good meals, got there on time - 1st night walked <mile to Dealy Plaza looking for a restaurant - got a good steak, 2 margaritas - chatted with head guy.
 It was fun to see everyone again from Oct I must admit - a bit of bonding taking place. Learned a lot. Now, as in the past, need to learn it well enough to train it, and hope my stamina holds up! They were saying 'When you go to other offices to train, train all 8 hours' - I may need to push back/say 'I'm 64.. you have to deal with me having less stamina.
 Okay.. so.. get high, eat pudding, sleep early...
 Home ~6 - chill, groceries, Vietnamese catfish soup & bread dinner.
 Rent paid, 70 in bank, healthy, what gives life meaning? Garden, friends, fresh air, ocean, work, reading/learning, Xoxo, good sleep, healthy food, pushing myself.
 The training/tasks seemed overwhelming because it was all jammed together and rushed through in two days - so it looks impossible - but I have time to learn it. I'll be fine. Like other training tasks - I'll win, because I like to train. I am so fucking blessed. From WV loser, to street, Laney, Davis, Berkeley Photo Lab, Game Theory, cottage, Bain.
 Stressing, slightly weepy on BART; wanted to get back to comfort of home. Because now I feel okay.
 Also, every thinks Renee B is so cute! And she is! But I have the nudes! So, yay.