angrylambie blog 2017-18

 Will: end-of-life, who gets: art/quilts/car/photos etc
 Give away roof rack (Sat Feb 9 on community bulletin board - no takers) - Try Freecycle
 Get rid of old fridge
 Thu Feb 22.18 nm
 Lots on list is done..
 ..need to get arm x-rayed
 ...right knee bothering me - tender/painful going down stairs -, try a anti-inflam ibuprofen. Not severe pain.. hard to tell if I'm over-reacting. I think mentally I am not in great shape post Mom. Understandable. And now dealing with doubts about pain after post-Gil pain/disappearance.
 My mental attitude does seem to affect it - I assume positive attitude, say it's mental, and it eases..
 Ordered tickets for Nicasio BBQs.. accidentally ordered 2 Pablo Cruise (sell extra at event).. may have got Subdudes when I am in OR? But.. lots of summer plans, Nicasio live music, and 2 weeks in OR.. June 4-day in Gville. Same old bands - Elvin Bishop, Beatles cover band, Asleep at the Wheel, Peter Rowan, Zyedgo Flames... so I'm not going now for excitement of seeing new music.. I'm going for event, location, familiar faces, great music, BBQ, couple of drinks.. but please, don't act out.. if I can't have a couple of drinks with out making noise/drawing attention to myself like it's 1971 I'm 17 at a party, then don't drink. It's embarrassing/prob annoying to other audience members who just want to enjoy the music without distractions. I'm old enough to know that.
 Lonely weekends boo-hoo. What to do? Public events?
 Read through papers in hippie bag: phone/tablet stuff, got invite to show by HS 'friend' Tim Kennedy; I am envious. Tablet sound turned of last night? Check, bring to store tomorrow if so.
 No facebook, barely notice - just not seeing certain people's posts - not much action on backup page.. no longer filling/killing time looking for cool photos, art to upload.. lots of time doing that - for what? Showing off, confirming I am an artist - which is not true in the sense I try to project. I'm just a guy with a job, not exciting - sleep, eat, work, play, read, take care of home and garden, avoid going to doctor - like most people, there is not other paradise - make my life a paradise - take better care of myself - anything I want to do as old man - meditate, eat healthy vegetarian food - do it now. Now is it. There is no future -
 - look what happened to Mom - at end she wanted to do all things she'd been too timid to do, then she died.
 Do as much as I can - stroll past fear and do what I want. Breath.
 Constipated again.. 1.5-2 days?
 Last minute excitement at work about move to Salesforce.. old ways going out.. asked for/got dept mtg.. still gets put on me ("When do you want to do it?") instead of happening regularly like it ought to.
 Slept okay -~10:15-6:15 - pot I got is weak - break up the joints. Dream of someone bullying me - physically? can't remember - dark guy in dark clothes - I just remember talking to him, and later asking "Should I get some of my friends to beat you up?"
 A lot of people spend/enjoy time alone - this is normal. Abnormal, or sad would be no public places to hang around people - I come to Nomad every morning for shared space.. ladies behind counter who know my name/what I want - thiers' is a public service - then to work, with lots of human contact.. at night I have quiet time alone, and generally I want that! In bed with laptop, youtube etc. Last night joined TED talks.. watch a few of those - looks like good advice. This is a good life. Cool. I am happy. So something is going right.
 Wed Feb 21.18 nm cold!
 Wifi in cottage costs only $9/mo router rental. It's convenient not having to hook/unhook to wall every time.
 Work hiccups, R called in sick, don't know if new dept head Darcy is coming out today - close early Fri, then in early for opening of new building Mon. R out W-F so I'm in 7am.. rgh. Did 1hr standup CORE training practice, feeing okay about it. Practice snap-to grid.
 Tiny bit stressed about next week's move to Salesforce tower - excited, too - smaller desks, no scanner, which - since only I use it, for personal stuff - is a non-issue; less privacy - do facebook on personal tablet/phone? - is no big deal.
 Figure out Rebel Canon work camera for pics that day - will it do video for Neil's intro talk? Wild! We'll be on 48th floor of tallest bldg on west coast. Damn. Cool.
 Also, summer Nicasio BBQ gigs coming up, days longer, big work changes - training? Dallas hub - open 24/7? Cool. And I, with my experience, am needed.
 Enjoy these days - spend time with Buff & DJ - attend some of their gigs.
 Work work work. Save save save.
 "They raised us to be good people. It took a while, but we got there."
 Finished CS Lewis's Great Divorce - dislike know-it-all cold-blooded tone - reminds me of emotionally distant clinical Catholic stuff - tho I the logic. Their approach is: being human is bad, being alive is a sin, being emotional is dangerous, pleasure is sin, sex is bad, life is pain - cold as ice is best. There is a better all-love existence waiting for us after this planet - and if we enjoy our hairy, sweaty, yearning bodies here on earth, we will not receive our heavenly reward.
 Oh, bullshit.
 Sleep early again, sleep well, Nan on my mind.. pray for my enemies - Lewis did make good observations about how we make ourselves miserable with pride and fear - pray for Shelley, Chris, Tom, Nan to be happy and well... whatever my petty feelings - enjoying unhappiness comes into their lives - blaming for not loving me more - , I recognize those feelings for what they are - weakness/fear - , and despise them - so I'm not totally fucked. Can I wish her such happiness that I can visit with a heart full of love?
 After work Bowl berries, eggs.. pudding... yep - pudding... gotta refocus on eating well.
 But generally.. good.. over weekend upset about viagra not being all it's cracked up to be, facing reality that penis-pleasure-based fertility possibility of marriage family sex life is over over over and now I move into old-age, at least post-evolution need for me as father/deliverer of sperm is done. Now enjoy the rest. Laugh. Pressure is off. Sex was as much a painful hassle as pleasure - enjoy relaxation. No more judgment by women/society. No more rock star illusions. Goodbye illusions. Goodbye fantasies. Life is now more real/better. Because I always knew the fantasies were fantasies, protecting us from harsh reality.
 In early to train @10am. Boom - here goes.
 How showers in morning are nice.
 Tue Feb 20 18 nm cold!
 R emailed he's out today, I was headed to NM so here I am - not like they been there for me.
 Set up cottage wifi this weekend, put Nomad wifi on phone, added voice control, other web tech stuff. Good to have it done.
 Mon ~5 downtown for dinner, spontaneous top o' Solano burrito - that worked - underground Spain comic collection from Pegasus, 1.2 priced books for Fear Loathing LV.
 Sleep early> Downloaded and deleted Angrybirds 3-4x - fun sort of  - addicting, way to kill play for a couple hours...
 Unhappiness this weekend - as always, with free time when isolation loses in.. volunteer? It's been this way for always I think, even as a child.. unnoticed to go out - know I'll be rejected anyway so why bother. Mom dead and viagra disappointment slap in face wake-up call, what's right? Do best I can every day, deal with black dog/all other human pain, it's a win. This breath. Life is pain. Right now my yoke is light. Enjoy this while it is here these are good days.
 Set up tablet for facebook IM/friended Sooz on 2nd account (while frozen out for a month for naked painting). She accepted but watching Olympics, so no call till a week from today.
 Cold so didn't get out much this weekend, but did - mainly for dinner.. tried viagra, set up tech, laundry, cottage tidy/clear out extra clothes, dishes, yard work - cool. No frozen. Not paralyzed. My share of sad feelings, but got things done, didn't roll around frozen like I did in my youth. Contacts with internet friends. Facebook is important - but let's not make it everything.
 Put Dad's Moses & Venus on horiz yard wall stud. Don't need them in house. Having been Dad's give them no extra value. Junk shops are loaded with stuff that belonged to our parents. So I let them go.
 Mon Feb 19.19 nm President's Day holiday
 And so lucky, lots of people do not get these holidays off - in spite of low pay, there is so much else: daily social contact, great work atmosphere, great view of SF(!), expert at app when people need support, free meals, interesting lunchtime talks (!), access to Photoshop/video editing for personal stuff, don't know if desk till have room for scanner... learning about new technology - phones, cameras - from workmates.. all good.. a raise is always nice, and deserved (?), but a couple extra K/yr would really not make that much diff -
 - I could be more careful with budget, less generous, make/bring lunch to work, eat out less, save Ks!
 So go along/get along at work - do check with HR about path to compensation discussion, to show I'm serious - but be nice, friendly, pleasant, not-bitter, not frustrated. Make it best time they've had all day. They will want to help then. Do it in a way that is just business, like any other kind of work, does not sit on my mind, cause resentment, take glow and joy out of life.
 So.. no fb for a month. Good, If I find myself depressed or bored, what does that say about my life? New outlook needed.
 Sleep early - rough sleep Sat night - emotional stress around V test - like, for all playful flirting talk, sexy gif shares, etc, nudes from my youth - behind that 'facade' of sexuality is a 63yr-old man well past his sexual peak. I will be more comfortable living with that. No more bullshit. It's common, but not making me happy.
 Sleep ~9-6:30, wake from again travel dreams, waiting for bus BART with too much luggage - moving work to new building is disruptive for everyone - take time to settle in - give it time - I can do it - I will not fail. Do not draw attention to myself, be helpful & supportive.
 Up ~6:30 feeling emotional disturbed sad - looked into it - losing you mother is a big deal - illusory as it is, she loved me/us like no one else, needed me like no one else. I wake to a new world - we are born/wake into world from the safe womb, we leave home for school, leave home to live our lives, wake to a world of responsibilities, - what was it - wake up to a world without parents, taking responsibility for one's own skin - and now wake up to world where I am old, not ancient, still healthy - one mighty say in my prime, that is still have my health, and a reasonably good adult mind - but early 60s/single - one part of that is accepting that my genital-based sexual life is over, my sexual desirability is over. Do not flirt with women at work. 
 Do not flirt with women under 50. It's uncomfortable for all - them, me, observers - and pathetic. Younger women who like me are not flirting with me. They like me like they liked their dads. This is normal.
 So much more to enjoy in life - nature, season, friends, working my garden, reading, art, music, thought...
 People go to religion to be reminded every day of good in life - I do it here in this blog.
 Looked into indications of prostate problems - I have none. Right knee bugging me, but when I tell myself it is psychological it goes away. I think it is grief-based, waking up and knowing my life now is without Mom. Sad. we are all sad, us 6 kids. we know she was special. Of all my Dad & Mom's siblings, only they two had kids. Well, Jim, Dad's bro has a couple. So. But 6 kids! Needed church to remind of of joy in life every day. She found comfort/wisdom in it. Why was I only one who thought to read to her from Bible? Maybe others did, too? Doesn't matter -
 - in crisis moment of need - Mom's last breaths, contacting everyone - I did not fail. Driving Tom to hospital I did not fail; as pall bearer I did not fail - all six of us kids lifting her coffin to hearse in rain - we needed that bonding, loving minute. Bringing packed photo albums to UPS, I did not fail.
 I did not fail. I am not a failure. Look to that - in a crisis, I did not fail - that indicates a mental and physical infrastructure of responsibility. See what I mean? Another gift of sorts from Mom - that our love and appreciation of her was so strong, it brought all of us to her doing our best.
 Struck down. God's gonna strike you down.
 New day. New breath. Good times. Spring a'coming. 4 days on coast in one month - 4 days in Davis May. 4 days in Guerneville in June. 16days in Oregon in July.
 Today set up wifi router, clean out car, maybe end of bed junk tidy.
 Look like wind may have died down - walk downtown? Walk to north Berk, bus back? Walk.
 Pot was my vice, my fun, my friend, my youth, my coolness - not no more. Pot is nothing, an anchor - a sleep aid, like warm milk. Brings memories. Let them go. Coolness is a thing of youth. Let it go. Let my kindness, generosity and patience be my cool.
 Act my age.
 Let go of facebook.
 Sun Feb 18.18 II bed 8:07pm
 Not much.. seem spaced out maybe from Sat pm combo of: not enough food, too much pot, an edible and viagra... bit depressed - came home to mideast salad and felt much better.. yes, hungry.
 But also chatted in detail w/N about viagra experience - and emotional side: it is over-hyped, it did not make me feel 17 again, or bring back youthful sensitivity or mental passion - just kept penis stiffer for longer. Um, big deal.
 Big'ish laundry since Buff/DJ away, went through clothes drawers: tossed several t-shirts, sweatshirts, long-underwear, underwear & socks - put in empty plastic file box on Shattuck. Felt good. Long hot shower, wash/trim hair. Downtown looking for hot soup - chicken udon & sushi roll/hot sake - that helped, too - 1/2 price books, got small Spanish phrase book.
 Back at car, telling myself it's good to drop illusion that maybe sexual prowess can return.. no - I'm almost 64 - let go... said "Accept reality, it's not that hard... rgh... I knew it was coming.. rrgghh... no big deal... rrggg" and other puns... because last night I learned, indeed, it has shrunk significantly, even with V it's nowhere near full 30yr-old 8" at orgasm length.. no no.. maybe 5".. and low sensitivity... really only O is good - and sometimes O is very good! So there's that. I can still enjoy everything about being with a person... but not penile sex much. There we go. I knew it.. have been avoiding it... had high hopes for V... but.. no. It only goes so far, a short distance. Not a fountain of youth. That was hype. Life is good.
 I was a baby, a young person, now and adult, and moving into old age... embrace all goodness left to enjoy.
 Brought books, including Mom's history books up to book share.
 Tomorrow: call Stacey? Put music/books for Nicasio in trunk - clean out car - wash and vacuum? And more yard, cottage - and if the wild winds die down, maybe a Tilden stroll.
 Sun Feb 18.18 nm
 Sat gardening/chopping/weeding, bank cash/quarters, groceries.. not much else... sildenafil from India arrived.. hmm, weird feeling around it.. like, this pill will not make me nor my penis 17 nor 35 again.. may help keep the dick erect, but not restore my sex drive, or penile sensitivity.. so it's odd...
 ...uncomfortable to face this, my age, my declining body, declining physical pleasure.. this morning feeling uncomfortable.. will get over it.. it's a topic fraught for many, not only sex, but declining sex drive, and simple fact that as one ages, sex drive and  function declines...
 .. and last night, took half pill, yes noticed erection lasted longer, even 'better' with whole pill.. but.. did not make me feel like a teenager again... does not restore passion.,. something wrong, illusory about it.. too much weight of expectations, over-hyped...
 Side effects: Face flushed a bit.. maybe a bit of stomach upset.. mild euphoric.. but mostly just blood stays in penis... okay.
 Anyway.. sleep early again.. 9'ish? An edible with 3 hits.. maybe too much,, also no dinner except bread & soup ~5.. so, eat.. this experiment has tossed the dirty laundry in my head around.. I'm almost 64... the idea of fucking/penis-in-vagina sex seems a little far-fetched..
 Then.. posted a friends-only gallery of Vladimir Dubossarsky & Alexander Vinogradov > fb instantly booted me for 30day. Sigh.. wtf? The painting is so inoffensive! I appealed but doubt anything will help - fuckers. Well - not bad timing..  and I have backup page for IMs, as well as phone apps.
 Buff/DJ gone overnight.. do a small laundry. Rest. Yard work. Up for couple hours ~2am.. stayed in bed till 9...restless.. I think it's the pill..
 Get out for a walk, even a short one in Tilden.. Windy, but fresh air will do me good...
 Home now and eat healthy mideast salad.. could help.

 Sat Feb 17.18 nm
 Couldn't stay up Fri night.. sleep ~9..? Deep sleep all night - waking to mostly forgotten travel stress dreams - a few nights of that this week - maybe related to work move. In my life: leaving WV-Pgh age 13 (Catholic to public schools mid-school year), then back to WV-Pgh middle of senior year.. yeah, disruptive. In anyone's lives these moves are disruptive.
 No self-pity - no value add - it's not about me. "Poor me" is a lousy way to go through life.
 I'm seeing it clearly now, at work during move - how world revolves around me, how attention-hungry I am. This will be easier if I see myself, behave myself, as a member of a team. One among equals.
 Fri got some stuff done:
 Booked Bragg for 4-day rm 115 b-day weekend
 Photoshopped Dad/Mom scans, sent to Walgreen's for prints, emailed to sibs, mailed originals to Anne
 Top of Bridge Rd pics to Chas memories group - lots of comments - this has been a cool, interesting few days of memory sharing
 Brought home more stuff from work pre upcoming move (using free wheeled luggage cart): sweater, hoodie, scanner, JFK bust (!)
 Endgame sticky snot head cold
 After work pick-up LMI wifi router (for Sooz Skype)
 Fatapples burger/fries/shake (tasteless burger, undercooked fries, "chocolate" shake: actually vanilla with fake-tasting choc sauce added)
 Groceries/soup/salad/fruit on way home
 Reading CS Lewis's 'Great Divorce' (Moms' notes in end indicating she reread ~6x)
 This week I spent ~4hrs studying CORE stuff & training style - hold still, eye contact, close laptops - , feeling on top of it. Cool. No big deal.
 Considered Bragg with upcoming free Mon, but figure take it easy since nose still snotty/slightly lightheaded
 This weekend: call Stacey, maybe SR sushi, clean out piled junk at end of bed
 Also - while reading Mom's CS Lewis book: I have struggled a bit with feeling 'special' having been reading to Mom when she took last breaths - prodigal son etc - also knowing at a deeper level it's simply not true. Thoughts: I did not fail - I read to her sincerely, thinking of her, not me, and managed to IM sibs when nurses said she's taking her last breaths - I did not fail. I can take some comfort in that fact - I did not fail. But more accurately - we as a family did not fail, us six kids came together, with all personality differences behaved pretty well, got things done, focused on taking care of Mom, supporting each other. And more - we as a family, Mom, Dad etc did not fail - it was not any one of us accomplished something, we did it as a team, a family.
 With Dad's death there were some 'failures" - I did not have credit card for rental car, did not have GPD device and got lost on way to MTown, did not have texting/phone. But - I learned from those failures - well - actually - it was only after Gil died that I decided to get phone, learn texting/GPS, to give myself something to do to take my mind off grief.
 A learn here may be - don't wait to learn things I need to know e.g., work stuff/apps. I procrastinate a lot. Then make excuses.
 Face these weaknesses fearlessly. Do something.
 I can enjoy that memory - that she was not alone - but it doesn't come to much really on a personal level - it's not my memory alone - we all came together - and we can all be comforted that Mom was cared for and in the end we call agreed that reading to her from the Bible was a good thing. We win.
 Cool. Let go of that illusory burden. Nice being an adult. Good advice from church, even if most of it goes to far.
 Anyway - who knows who knows.. I think, 1st anniv of Gil's death was rough - a few rough days and nights - , plus Mom's death now is 3mos past, getting a grip on work changes (app, training etc), and 2-week cold nearing end.. Spring beginning to appear in the air - wishing to share it with Mom - wishes do not help, think instead of happiness she did have, and that she & I did share while she was alive. No sense in focusing on things lost. Focus on what I have today. I woke this morning feeling things were in order, and that I was okay. I did not fail. That's important. And I did not do it alone. That's important.
 Life - is good.
 Put JFK bust photo on fb - Wynn (Gil's 1st wife) says she wants it - that had crossed my mind. Cool.
 Do my best. That is all that's required - but it is required. No giving up. No moving backward.
 And again - an ass well worth immortalizing. Thank you for working with me. 1979

 Thu Feb 15.18 nm
 Bad travel stress dream, with Matt Davis from GT tour, flew to LA - forgot plan was to fly back to SF same day then to Dallas.. I was trying figure it out, or a story to explain, but to not go! Woke up thinking it was my fear of missing flights, but maybe actually my fear of exhausting one-day flights; one-day trips to LA were causing lots of stress and physical/cognitive wretchedness - being pressured/bullied to do a task that sickened me, and facing that pressures was depressing and demoralizing - you find out that 20yrs as a high value employee earns you squat.
 Non-B companies have not asked for training lately - is it a lull, or - as I suspect - WL talked to B about it, B had to stop? I didn't mean to play that card, my conscience is clear, but may have balanced things out nicely.
 Almost 2 weeks of this mild but annoying head cold. Get some meds to dry up phlegm head?
 Book a hotel for 4-day bday weekend - I think I'm considering something other than Bragg - probably expensive since mid-March is be top whale-watching time.
 Email says the cheap fly-by-night viagra has been shipped - let's see what happens. Phone says I received a SPAM call - related?
 Posted a video driving up Bridge road to South Hills, Hickory two days ago - within 24hr dozens of comments, shared histories, nostalgia memories: man who's dad built Rusty Beaver's stone castle house, people who knew Mechinsky's, Peytons, Botkins, ex-newspaper man who knew Dad - all locations in my mind, many more, roads I knew mainly by name and drive by, etc - so cool - all in 1st 24hrs, people reconnecting - Stone Rd, Rock Cliff -
 - reminds me of all the good times. Forces fact that one must take bad with good - we went to good schools but missed school with neighborhood kids, dad had issues, but gave us a good house, food, schools - took time off to take us on cool vacations - did his absolute best. For that I need honor him. He was alpha male, man's man, poker player, public figure - I was his feeble sensitive kid.. naturally it was not a good mix me feeling hurt, ignored, him wounded by life, emotionally distant, angry.
 But it's my life now - he and Mom long gone. Live my life best I can.
 Dad Mom Dad Mom will I ever get over looking to them - they're dead - honor their ashes - they did great, they were amazing, survived situations that crushed other family members. They rose above their life disasters on faith and duty, raised 6 kids, best they could, to be good people.
 "Come up quick this might be it" - how did I even get that done? Then tossed glasses onto open bible I'd been reading to her from. I was blessed to by having that moment I did not earn. But Mom earned it. Good for Mom. Good for Dad. Thank you both. I did thank them over the years, tho their response was always awkward silence. With Dad, in his later years I showed my gratitude with kindness and supporting words, with Mom with calls, openness, effort, love and care.
 So it worked itself out. Glad we had time. Glad with Mom she waited till we were all there - just like in the stories, and the end like a movie, being read the 23rd psalm. Morning, warm, children all nearby - hand held - that was the time she chose.
 Looks that way anyhow.
 Read 33 1/3 book about making of Another Green World - my college album - cool.
 Now a couple of Mom's small CS Lewis books: The Great Divorce & A Grief Observed.
 This weekend maybe Stacey, Eric?
 Had a moment yesterday of everything being okay, not a care in world - I don't mind if I have some more, but old I get, likely more difficult time.
 Enjoy every serene moment. Occasionally get high and watch movies. Occasional 'escape' is a-ok. My hippie cottage w/garden/music/colorful lights.
 Tue Feb 13.18 nm
 Stuffy still, but not bad.. stayed busy @ work, looks like Sheba is in, a good match.. cool..
 Sleep ~10:30..a bit of restlessness ~4-5.. maybe 'cause out of cannabis - & Harlequin is old and dry.. no effect.. get more..
 Time to regain control over food intake.. I want to be less heavy, healthier... bouncier...
 Call LMI today about wifi, and send Dad scans to sibs...
 Posted videos of Bridge St drive on fb group and enjoying responses/shared memories... the hobby shop at top of hill.. driving winding WV hills during winter..
 I read somewhere, don't ask for nudes.. if they like you, they will want to send photos, want you to see them, to show themselves and share their attractiveness.. in recent experience, yes, I have received unasked for pics.. thank you.
 Not much sensation in penis.. sexual/sensual pleasure more in other senses and enjoyment of person and giving pleasure - curious to see if stretching and keeping hot blood intact w/viagra increase sensation. No need for fear or embarrassment talking about this  -I'm almost 64 - normal.
 Got music working on new phone - yay!
 Mon Feb 12.18 nm
 Sleep a bit rough because of cold stuff, but very mild snootiness/lightheadedness
 Sun pm in bed, music playing - Sloan, from Gils iPod, Reach Out! - Harlequin, lightshow, red lights in bathroom that I love, watching youtube waterslide videos - felt pretty good, in the moment, if I feel that good, fed, comfortable, happy, enjoying music and colored lights then I'm doing okay - this is my life. comparing myself to Dad' s life - he was a different person - only takes joy out of my life - I am not supposed to be Dad, I'm supposed to be the best Bob possible.  I am happy and healthy. Win!
 Got a lot done this weekend, and rested, and connected - so glad for Lo, K, Nu, Buff etc - would be so lonely without them. Keep honest.
 Take it easy today - get some pill for drying up sinuses. ~1x an hour I have to blow nose pretty violently - no one wants to hear that.
 Call LMI today about router/wifi.
 Sun Feb 11.18 II home 7:25pm
 Got some good things done.. cool.
 Nomad morning with egg/bacon breakfast bagel - quite a bit of nose-blowing.
 Checked projector from work - works, but could not get laptop to hook up, and decided I don't care, nor am excited to project my photos etc large on - what wall? Gave it to DJ for Unitarian Hall. Offered Buff painkillers for back pain - nope.
 Tossed/organized papers on side of bed, went through top two junk drawers, tossed lots. Dishes. Shower. Long IM w/N - she sad/friend died, feeling old. Sent gifs and chatted, asked about plans, asked if she mb's, encouraged her. Mideast salad.
 Chat w/*, tell about ordering viagra from sketchy online India/Paki site; * suggests asking about generic - drive to pharm, ask, yes, ~35/tab.. meaning ~16 per half. Cool - good to have that talk; and to have that settled. Bowl for salad/soup, berries -
 - chicken soup dinner & cold tea.
 Minor tidying.. put roof rack on neighborhood list - thought there'd be fistfights on the sidewalk for it - I was so wrong.. moved car to south side for streetclean day tomorrow
 Vacuumed, re-did electronics wires by bed, played w/phone & tablet, stereo was not working, took wires apart, seems to work now - take a couple minutes to warm up. And - found music did come over from old phone to new. Good to have music in the cottage. Yes. Music. Silence is oppressive.
 Lots of little things put in place or tossed - more to do - this was good start, also just good to see myself doing it - not paralyzed into a slump by deaths etc.
 And being more fun, myself with friends.
 Projector out
 Viagra info
 Bed papers
 Good meals
 IMs with friends
 Moved car
 Books to car
 Fixed music player
 Found my music on new phone
 Feel out new phone & tablet
 Folder of best Mek pics
 House/life feels more under control. Cool. I feel more in control. Cool.
 Sun Feb 11.18 nm
 Still cold'ish - constipated since Fri - rrgh - doesn't help.. occasional snotty/phlegm cough.. slept pretty well, can breath through nose.. fair amount of snot this morning.
 On whim ordered Viagra online - used Uber card so if it's a scam not much $$ to steal - super cheap - looked it up online - after, duh not before -  site said you can never tell! but no one said really dangerous, from India/Pakistan, most comments said even w/delays pills were real. There's also legit Canadian places I can send prescription to. Check in with Fitzer about prescription. Probably prescription is not transferable.
 Got stuff done Sat, big laundry, groceries, set up fb video chat on new phone, long chat w/Karen in backyard on Buff's wifi, Buff came out chatted with her for a while - so now I know I have to get wifi if I want to use phone/tablet for Skype. Expense is a concern, but I'll learn how to use, also be able to stay in touch with K, Sooz etc. So worthwhile.
 Spacey from cold, hanging clothes knocked over porcelain nude w/faun (again!), broke into pieces - glue!
 Put psychedelic playful color finger touch app on tablet - played while scarfing pudding.. umm.. well, that was "fun" for an hour.
 Dispensary today for indica.
 So maybe I was coming down w/something before Dallas > added to sense of bring emotionally fragile - back Thu > next Sun came down with lightheaded sore throat. Hmm.
 Joined another WV fb page - Charleston memories - posted pic of me & Dad on capitol grounds.
 Today - let's get cottage in order, also bleach in shower stall, lots of junk to get rid of - books, projector from work I apparently will never use, 8mm video and screen for 8mm videos I obviously do not care much about (!!!), yeah yeah - do it. Maybe take a walk.
 Yes, good to have this nice weather global warming weekend to chill. Get some real cold meds for Mon. Take a sick day? I got a month's worth now.
 And - yes - contact WL HR and ask about path forward for compensation analysis. Because both Randy and Darcy said that is path. Do it. Do not take "No" for an answer. As for support. Ask for path. Even if answer is "No", there must be a way to get an answer. Due respect demands I get an answer, else the system is broken. If I do everything right and no one can give me an answer, then issue is systemic. Now that I got ball rolling, to stop will leave blame for failure at my feet. So check in a friendly respectful manner with HR.
 Has to be done.
 Sat Feb 10.18 nm
 Making note of cold symptoms in case it becomes flu. Started with sore throat/lightheadedness ~1 week ago. Not bad, but gross and annoying.
 Work was kinda embarrassing with nose-blowing/sneezing/coughing, but got it done. Paycheck put me in good shape. Licking belly of 73. Thanks to parents. Someday I may truly appreciate how great they were, how lucky I/we are/were. Maybe I do now, despite seeming insurmountable emotions. Maybe insurmountable emotions don't matter. Family is family. Maybe I do not need to fear family.
 After wk Fri got new Verizon phone & tablet - hoping tablet Skype works for K & Sooz. Maybe others? Total cost for both ~$400, monthly plan goes to ~$110. This is how I learn - get devices, see what I like, up- or downgrade device and/or plan as necessary. It's a bit of investment for Sooz, but A.) it's important to have good communication, B.) laptop Skype noise ended Skype w/both Karen & Sooz, and kept communication from expanding further - so this is good. I did good. Going through list, getting things done. Hope it works!! Test it today!.
 Today - put roof rack on neighborhood free site.
 Laundry. Groceries. Cottage tidy. Organize electronics - too many cords :-O! Clean out drawers!
 Bed early last night after yummy mideast dinner salad - before 9?? Up for a while ~midnight.. Harlequin.. sleep pretty comfy till ~7 - grateful cold is not fucking with my sleep, that it's not a flu up till now. Cold from Dallas flight? Who knows! Out of pot - grab some hi-CDB medical indica today.
 Joined fb page WV's living in other states - fun - shared some photos, Sunrise carriage trail execution marker - found info online! - did I find before and forget?? Anyway, pretty cool history. Been wondering about it pretty much my whole life. Dad & Mom walked us up that trail. We took classes at Sunrise, saw art exhibit, bought toy dinosaurs. Cultural touchstone. Used to walk there from home. Different times.
 Finished E Leonard's western short stories -
 Looks like a nice warm day. Home - dishes, tidy.. look into.. gonna be a quiet weekend to give body plenty of time to get rid of this cold.
 New phone takes much better photos, and sharper better color onscreen - music did not transfer over - but my fancy plastic music player may have died.. so.. hmm.
 Life goes on.
 Thu Feb 8.18 nm
 On-&-off scratchy sticky phlegm throat still around..  otherwise, mainly okay, slightly light-headed, bit of runny nose, skin little sallow (?) this morning... lackluster.. textured... puffy... took two work ibuprofen to see if helps clear up throat.. throat is not sore, just has some gunk I'm trying to cough up - hack hack - eww..  sounds gross.. at work maybe take breaks, gargle hot salt water, don't gross everyone out with hacking -
 Niece Lisa dropped by w/bf Robert on Tues, handed off silverware scoopers from Mom's set, showed views from office, walked them to Embarcadero 4 eateries...
 Taking it easy.. Sooz said her bad flu/cold started with sore throat.. lots of sleep etc hoping to head it off.. maybe too late.. if I'm sick for a week, then stay home...
 w/this week's paycheck, savings ~73K, 19 PTOs. plus another 18PTOs earned this year...
 So I'm good.
 Enjoy life. This moment, this breath is all I have... I have music festivals with an old friend, 2 weeks on Oregon coast, nostalgia visit to UCD in May. Yes yes. Good life.
 Do Dallas finances today, work on scans for fam, send to be printed..
 Yeah - body slightly sweaty/weak.. something up.. either prelude to flu, or something mild working through.. I was thinking/hoping allergies/mold/pollen from last Sun on coast.. but.. no, get real - I got something... be prepared... be good to myself & body...
 Anyway, slept well, Sooz said def get Viagra, women like erections... next week bring suitcase and start brining personal work stuff home... no idea where GFX will be... kind of excited to be in big modern bldg with amenities nearby...
 Almost done with E Leonard westerns.. so these were in those Men's magazines I used to sneer at.. so.. huh...
 Wed Feb 7.18 nm
 Scratchy throat on-and-off, generally feeling a little light-headed, some morning dizziness - is this related to stress of training myself on CORE stuff and upcoming training? Psychological? How it comes and goes indicates as much.
 Keep telling myself it is psychological and walk on through it.
 2 hours Tues: 1 walking through stand-up training, 1 reading manual. Felt good - most all feels familiar - need to dig into details of coloring charts etc. Learn templates.
 Learn Canon Rebel camera also,
 Tues got email to sign up for Lynda classes - cool.
 This could be a great year - keep positive! Smile! 10 years of Taf - no training, no dept meetings, no communication, no information, hostile walled-off from dept - affected my attitude, affected whole dept attitude - cynical. Despairing. I did what I could on my own and that worked for me pretty well.
 Up early to Nomad Mon left me drowsy all day, slept in today forced myself till about 8.
 Tight throat, phlegm probably allergies/mold(?) - mold is a reason to keep heat on while I'm on coast (Buff comes turns it off). During winter leave it on.
 Tues pm E Leonard westerns on BART, groceries/berries, call Sooz - on phone because Skype not working - invest in a tablet that does Skype - worth it for Sooz. Get one at same time as new phone with better camera more space. Today.
 Talking to Sooz about $$, how I might have $100K in 2 years, she says that won't last if I live till 90.. well yeah, I mean no - but what's point in worrying, there's nothing I can do? Too late, too dangerous to invest in stock market. Worrying about past was a drag - worrying about future also a drag. Worrying about health failure etc.
 Past is memory, future a dream. Enjoy this breath, this morning light, this coffee, this smiling counter worker who knows me by name. The new learning at work. New challenges. Life is good.
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today!
 Tue Feb 6,18 nm
 I'm doing a little self-care is all, a little self-care - which not used to? Saving $$ instead of being generous by default - are those days over? Need to stay solvent & be responsible for my own hide, instead of putting $$ out hoping karma will kick some back when needed. yeah.. but... home is gone, Dad and Mom are gone.. Shirley will soon be gone...
 Detached, manic in Sunday.. wanting to feel connected to this new post-Mom/home/Gil life.. where is happiness...? Work home eat relax on weekends garden enjoy friends music reading... no more illusions of being famous artist or artist at all etc? No pressure. I had my 15minutes. two counting both GT & Frida. Let go. Frida was 2012, Scott died 2013. GT rereleases over a year ago. Same as Gil. It's been one year, maybe takes two. Give it time and enjoy every sandwich.
 Might for common decency at some point write to Mk, explain what was going on w/other friends that did not leave enough time for a thing.
 Today start 2hr 2x a week practice for CORE training. They also asked us/GFX to take pics/video of Salesforce tower first day. Cool. Culi & I, or hand it off to Sheba who has a good camera that does video.
 Good. Life is good. Life remains the same - house, friends, job, car, diet.. all same.. just harder because of deaths... good thing, is.. let's see.. Game Theory was all in past, dead, history... nostalgia.. memories.. with friendships grown out of it... Scott's death, and Gil's was opportunity to get all that history out.. full enjoyment of all tour etc photos and videos to an online audience...  who knew? It was a sad joke to think someday they might have value, but.. God, what if I'd thrown them out?? So 2013 - death - 2017 Gil death/2-steps re-release... ~3.5 years of Game Theory revisit. Now it's over. And what remains?
 Let go of letting go. It's over. It was fun, then and now.
 Now get on with my life. Visit Stacey.
 Do my job. Be confident. I can do it.
 Photograph a few artworks and make notes about who gets car, quilt etc.
 Mon Feb 5.18 nm
 1st 1/2 SuperBowl downtown SR bar w/Eric, chicken nachos.. book store.. lv for home ~7 - ez drive, everyone watching game. Bed/sleep ~10?
 Deep heavy sleep = Sun was long day, wake ~7 in need of more sleep, but.. wank, smoothie, Nomad ~7:30, because tired or not, I value this quiet morning time to myself.
 Re work, I don't have energy stamina enthusiasm I did in 20s, 30s - 40s even~ - post-DUI I was highly motivated to get/keep this job! Recognizing my weakness at complex jobs, I took on other tasks to increase my value: training, photos, photo archives, facepage, hands-on customer service, events attendee, office-wide contacts - do they balance out? Well, I hope so. Does my 20yrs experience balance out against younger FTEs who can do more complex work faster? Again, the case can be made - terminate me, bring in someone younger who is good at job and gets paid less (?), but lose my experience. No doubt it's done, but probably they need a real reason. Taf more or less accused me of being "Unwilling to do my job" - in public - that's the nub - if I'm willing to do it, and do my best, if they then let me go it will look like it was age-related.
 So always be willing to do my job.
 Set up two 2hr slots/week to practice CORE, also Canon camera?
 Mail Lisa's silverware, get rid of Roof Rack.
 Groggy, dizzy, blurry Mon morning. S'okay - normal. :-)
 One last time, talk to HR in WL/East Coast about compensation - that is what both Randy & Darcy have said to do! So do it! I asked for a path, they gave me one. Take it.
 Sun Feb 4.18 Gville coffee place 2:20pm espresso/blueberry scone
 Straight to Gville for coffee/BLT, walk across gville bridge, see where music fests will be, Monte Rio, south on Bohemian.. decided a drive rather than ocean walk, whatever I felt like - doing, feeling freedom to do what felt right at moment, was most important - lovely hot day, w/cool breeze - lots of work stress thinking, let it go, let it play out, let go of it... this is what day trips are for.. stop in Occidental, stroll - it's a strolling day - energy drink, mocha - sip it - um - I like it! Visit 'art' store, get two ceramic pieces: giant blue abalone dish deco dish for back yard, sensual dried flower holder for wall with clit hood/clit design nice colors - $140 + $35...
 Stop in Bodega town, stroll up hill through church property to Bird house, up 1, pullover for mideast lunch in big blue bowl, pics/IMs to Eric, K, Lori - helps me to be alone without feeling lonely - K going through major major stuff - give her/them a break from my stuff. Support her and Xo. Do take care of myself around Mom - pretty sure I'm having depression about it; men commit suicide under this gloom. park Duncan's landing, binoculars, hand and look at ocean - slightly detached but better - less overwhelmed - sending fun photos & IMs to friends.
 Treating myself to ceramic gifts and BLT :-).
 Warm sunny weather helps - today I'm feeling like two things need attention at work: 1.) teach myself CORE stuff to train, 2.) teach myself Rebel Canon. Do those two things.
 Spring coming - planting new mallow = good sign. Find home for roof rack now by side of house. Get rid of old fridge side of cottage.
 Death of a parent - last one - significant - don't downplay it, don't let anyone invalidate my feelings/reaction; Gil & Mom's deaths influenced/impacted decisions/reactions to last year's work mess (dept mgrs quitting, new people to train, dept remaining open with only 3 fully trained FTEs, etc). We are human. Human beings. Human.
 I am anyway.
 Sun - wide open, Sat did errands/rested to be fresh today, slept, didn't need alarm, Nomad, Smoothies - easy drive and let thoughts flow clear out settle - work tensions/ anxieties need to process - fantastic weather, fun food, walk, Sooz car, healthy food with me, gallon of H2O, binoculars, shop for things I like to make yard even more beautiful - now meal with friend.
 Life is good.
 Sun Feb 4.18 nm
 Bed early'ish, woke w/no alarm ~6:30 - headed to Sonoma coast with some food & water..
 Sat Chat w/Buff about yard - new mallow for southwest backyard corner, decide yes - Dry Garden has medium-sized diff color; Orchard to pick up sharpened hedge clippers, no mallows; East Bay Nursery on San Pablo, only small rusty small ones - Bank for $100 quarters... home - chopped back sidewalk orange flower heap - sharpening helped! - , dump 2 bags of pebbles on paths, walk to Dry Garden, not going to work to order a mallow, buy one they have with dark red/blue flowers, half-price - $15 - cool. Plant in yard. Sit with Buff in backyard, tell him mallow shopping/decision-making story, ending with - it's already planted, and he was so surprised & pleased he had tears in his eyes.
 IM w/Nur, mideast salad lunch, Telegraph Ave for new Panama (I asked Hat Store lady if they'd got the Alameda Flea Market pics I'd sent to husband, she said yes, & her husband died, asked about Tina - if I run into  Tina ask her to drop by store.. looked pretty grief-stricken - sad). Peets - Moe's..
 On way home, Bowl for berries, salad..
 Pull out some Mek pics, more explicit than I'd remembered.. first time I've looked since it ended. Some photoshopping. Lovely.
 So, Sat: hedge clippers, bank, Dry Garden/East Bay Nursery/Orchard mallow shopping/planting, chop/trim front bush, gravel in paths, lunch, Nuria, new Panam Hat, coffee, groceries, photoshop/revisit Mek pics...
 And now.. 8am, leave for Guerneville, Sonoma see how it feels... good to get out, get away to something I enjoy - time to myself - yes.
 Shut up at work, I need this job, I want this job - make an effort, go extra mile to welcome/work effectively w/new dept head. Bumps inevitable - but make it work. Be an asset, not a pain in the ass.
 Life is good. Relaxation is good. Trips to ocean are good.
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today!
 Life is sweet.
 Sat Feb 3.18 nm
 Oh lord lord yes a morning that feels good/normal... Dallas training/short-staffed week done with.. made it alive.. a hint of Spring just a sense of it over the hill, but enough to sit in backyard/guzzle smoothie...
 Considered Sonoma today, but best to rest body & head, woke @6:30.. hmm? back to sleep till 8:30.. ahhh, yes... coast Sun; Eric/meal, or empty books out of Camry at Nicasio?
 Today: Pick up sharpened clippers from Orchard, pebbles from trunk-to-yard paths, quarters, cottage tidying, groceries.. yes.. life.. walk to Bowl. Enjoy. Breath.
 Looks like K may get nice King's Lynn house she & Xo like.. IMs w/Vic Fri, might need Lbs5K? "would cost me $7.5K but on table if yr in a corner." Fair enough. But then - not needed. Phew.
 Did budget, pretty good, credit cards/rent paid, overpay on Uber card returned to bank.. I noted that I am not thinking in terms I used to, to give away/tithe past certain amount of savings (anything above 50 gets tithed out) - ; losing Mom (&D.. poor Dad, the afterthought).. Feb rent paid & no outstanding expenses, stands ~71, minus predictable more like 60... 2 Feb paychecks coming...
 Also - yay! - Fri both Fed & state taxes - real easy, remembered to subtract that $10K from taxes .. PDF on screen, remembered to attached W2 forms... State the usual $300, Fed higher I think, ~$1K.. and paycheck seems to be ~$100 higher.. so okay.
 Dad & Ralph, thank you for taking care of Mom.. what was left over, mostly from D&R, came to us after Mom died.. It was from Dad.. triggered by Mom's death... she was probably extra frugal to make sure us kids got more, so thanks to all. Remember. See that example of how to live responsibly. Work work work, save save save.
 'Course there's no unions nor pensions.. so work work work till you can't.. reality.
 Lisa silverware ready to send in Kleenex box next week.
 Say @65 I quit/retire, move to Bragg trailer park, live on Social Security, walk/read/meditate, seek serenity/health, try to sell Frida stuff on internet. Hmp.
 Or look for a boring cheap town somewhere awful in Oregon. Haha. I need to consider my happiness and sanity, and grocery store. Haha.
 okay - 10am..
 I'm talking too much at work, talking shit about new dept head - shut up, keep positive attitude. Be myself, be honest, don't eat shit, but try to be friendly/positive, suppress more annoying personality aspects: arrogance, know-it-all tone, argumentativeness,... etc. Let some things slide for common good.
 Morning quiet time, morning quiet time, here at Nomad.. is good.. yes, waking mind...
 Love myself like I love K&Xo and people I love. Wish me well.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Last night, vaguely recalled live Johnny Cash song that excited me, no details, just venue.. search search search.. ran across a song he did with Marty Stuart, search search - found it!!  - Doing My Time.. oh and so good! Fun.
 Thu Feb 1.18 nm
 Okay quick - need to get to work ~9:30 - tho Sheba/ Eric/Culi may be there..
 Sleep ~9pm w/Duke Nuke'em & pudding, slept deep & well, up @7:30, towel barely moved. Good - got this over with - it's a lot, they jammed our brains to overflow, but we can do it. New dept head from CHI is notorious ball-buster no-nonsense etc - people tend to quit on her - but I can always suggest, look, obviously I'm not cut out for CORE training regime, I'll train a new SF Core trainer, go back to slide production - no problem. So see - it will work - but remember, among other things, good things about this job, is seeing same people/faces/depts. every day keeps loneliness, isolation at bay. I sort of see isolated hermit as a romantic figure, but that figure is actually in pain - so do not fantasize it is desirable.
 Okay - good digestion, cleared out the DAL meals - home for quick shower then work till ~6? 9:30-6pm?
 Wed Jan 31.18 hm bed 8:06
 Back from ~4 days Dallas Sun-Wed - man it feels overwhelming, and tried to talk to new dept head (in CHI) about frustrations and compensation, but got sort of tense as she pushed back - she's intense alright, but we knew that - just not close up. But you know - a.) they're not going to terminate for me for asking for a raise, b.) how would they 'punish' me, not give me a raise? hahahah.
 Message I got was, talk to HR.
 Meantime - invest ~4hrs a week on it - it is not my thing, organizing/training new trainers/keeping up with them, etc - lots to learn and lots of detail work - but I can do it.
 Flights went smooth, hotel nice, good meals, got there on time - 1st night walked <mile to Dealy Plaza looking for a restaurant - got a good steak, 2 margaritas - chatted with head guy.
 It was fun to see everyone again from Oct I must admit - a bit of bonding taking place. Learned a lot. Now, as in the past, need to learn it well enough to train it, and hope my stamina holds up! They were saying 'When you go to other offices to train, train all 8 hours' - I may need to push back/say 'I'm 64.. you have to deal with me having less stamina.
 Okay.. so.. get high, eat pudding, sleep early...
 Home ~6 - chill, groceries, Vietnamese catfish soup & bread dinner.
 Rent paid, 70 in bank, healthy, what gives life meaning? Garden, friends, fresh air, ocean, work, reading/learning, Xoxo, good sleep, healthy food, pushing myself.
 The training/tasks seemed overwhelming because it was all jammed together and rushed through in two days - so it looks impossible - but I have time to learn it. I'll be fine. Like other training tasks - I'll win, because I like to train. I am so fucking blessed. From WV loser, to street, Laney, Davis, Berkeley Photo Lab, Game Theory, cottage, Bain.
 Stressing, slightly weepy on BART; wanted to get back to comfort of home. Because now I feel okay.
 Also, every thinks Renee B is so cute! And she is! But I have the nudes! So, yay.
 Sat Jan 27.18 II  Laundromat
 11am to Mkt to get clippers sharpened, guy no longer around!
 Drop clippers @ Ashby Orchard, & 2 bags of backyard gravel.
 For fun Urban Ore - send photos to Nur, chat about stuff, dragons, puppets, dollhouse, mannequins - buy myself $1.50 back scratcher.
 Bank for quarters but as suspected they had closed 40mins earlier at 2pm.
 Walgreens for anti-depressant that works in small doses as sleep aid. 30 tabs for $8. Hold off on viagra till look into discount coupons.
 Chat w/Buff - rent up to $570 (oh, no!) - check already written for $560, I suggest extra goes to cucumbers, tomatoes, avocados - he says "Gladly!"
 Now big laundry: bed clothes, towels, etc, so when I get home all will be tidy.
 Updated UBER credit card.
 So good stuff done - but depression, I think mostly about Gil, exasperated (?) by Shelley's fb 1yr anniversary Gil polaroid (of mine, in albums I can't see) reminding me of that fuck up - but mostly missing Taylor days with Gil. Damn. Best days of our lives. Sad.
 That was a deep valley I got into - all the body pains - waiting - wishing I could do something.
 So - me now - mid-life crisis/general unhappiness etc. Questioning things based on: age, social security, death of Mom, idea/fantasy that one retires at 65 (and that will be desirable and feel good), Gil saying he should have quit job sooner, Mom wanting to do more things she'd put off near end. (What am I putting off? What's on my bucket list?)
 Good stuff: My health is good, infrastructure fundamentals - job, housing, food, car - all good; Sooz okay after surgery, may be light at end of tunnel for K's miseries.
 So yeah.. I'm unhappy in some ways - and re losing Gil & Mom, there is sufficient justification - but having income coming in is nice - vs. living on a fixed income; this will pass, we'll be in new building, lots of training to do, maybe new skills.
 Bucket list - drive around New England in Fall, visit some of the places I visited in 1972 - LRY places - then world was new and there was (scant but tangible) promise.
 Small dull gimps need love, too.
 Gil & I, small hippies - needing attention - creative - too much drugs and alcohol - I got lucky, hit bottom, crawled out sober.
 "I don't think there's any value in beating yourself up over stuff that doesn't matter."
 "I've never gotten drunk and made as ass of myself, so I have nothing to say on this subject."
 Kindness. In the end I was able to show kindness and comfort by opening myself, forgiving myself, showing Gil he could do likewise.
 Fuck - I'm so sad.
 Mek sent sexy video and still of woman talking sex-positive. Okay. Nice. But - okay - I don't see a way forward. It went from chat, to sex sex sex - so what's to build on? And the feeling of 'good, back to normalcy' is so consistent/strong.
 Nomad now 5:30 - okay - so in spite of feeling bad/out-of-body/out-of-sorts, similar to how I felt after Gil died, did errands, good stuff - but touchy, tense around people.
 Is pain business, how it suddenly disappeared for no reason, or after placebo, a sign of something else to be looked into?
 But I am getting things done - silverware for Lisa at work, training, updates, - today clipper sharpening, laundry, gravel, Urban Ore back scratcher, sleep prescriptions, paid rent, pushed back viagra ($50/erection!? - fuck you), doc appt for shoulder after 1yr as promised. Pics to sibs and Shirley when back from Dallas.
 Yeah - I feel shitty, but everything is okay. Just life. Get used to death, it's normal.
 Sat Jan 27.18 nm
 Slept okay, but weird... shaky, physically off-balance this morning.. staggering... walking carefully...
 Doc appt:
 Sleep-aid anti-depressant prescription.
 Viagra prescription: my HC doesn't cover - prob ~$200 to cover what I need - 3 tabs & cut in half? Wirth it for novelty & visit.
 Talked about grief pain, specifically arm - going to x-ray then, assuming we find nothing (unless it's a bone spur), MRI scan, which would show up tear/damage/cancer. He said tenderness is where tendon attached - so he suspects tear. Cancer did get brought up - but unlikely. Blood pressure very good - weight ~ 200.
 Slept okay, but very emotional. Uncertain what's going on.. even after saying I can't do training in Dallas, feeling emotional/sad - talking to doc I felt small upcoming weepiness when discussing Gil/grief -, well of weepiness beneath surface - well, it is anniversary, and I was in damn bad shape at time - I think that pain is what's coming up - as well as losing Mom - it's natural I'd be in bad shape now. Gen - Mom died only 2 months ago, and I did not take leave of absence - in retrospect I'm questioning whether I shouldn't have.
 I didn't because: Don't want to use vacation days/lose $$, nor secondarily leave dept short-handed (to see they could do without me?).
 Now I'm like: take 2 weeks off now, in Feb, before March move to new bldg/CORE training. You think? Might be a good idea.
 I'm in a bit of a daze...
 R out Fri, in/out early - groceries/berries/soup/pudding... read retro horror comics in bed w/pudding - that was fun - disconnect from work stuff -
 - what is going on w/work? That I'm 63 - 64 in 1.5mos -, have savings, social security, less willing to eat shit, roll over when someone asks/bullies/pressures for 130% work effort? When my concerns/requests are ignored? When my extra efforts are sneered at, disregarded, devalued.
 This has led to a situation where I will not make myself wretched with 1-day LA trips, and will not give 1010% every day, when it does not early respect or compensation from those supervising my roll - why should I when I can give 100% and job/pay remains same as at 100% - or 90% for that?
 And no one to talk to.
 Call WL HR/find someone to talk to. Leave a paper trail.
 Sun fly to Dallas - should be easy, same stuff we covered in Oct. Back Wed - maybe alone. Screw-ups from new dept head D**** re whether or not to bring 2 laptops to Dallas. It came down to me to clear it up, of course.
 Good news
 K bidding on new house.
 HR says July training 2nd week of July, which would leave current late July OR vacation plans intact.
 $70K in bank even after Fed rent. Thanks Mom. I have to remind myself, it was Dad & Ralph who set up financials - I thank Mom because we got it after she died - but it's Ralph & Dad who did most of heavy lifting. Not all - but most. Some set up to support Mom. Thanks Dad.  Thanks Ralph. Thanks Mom. Thank you Greatest Generation.
 Today: maybe laundry so I come home to nice clean bed. Get garden shears sharpened.
 Empty trash bins, fridge perishables.
 Finished book about Rock Star phenomena - gave it to work friend in Marketing who digs rock. Started E Leonard western short stories.
 I'm okay going to Dallas, but I feel numb, sad.. mourning, grieving, inward.. this is what it is.. it's okay to cry.. okay to feel this way. It is not weakness to cry and suffer. Okay to tell folks in charge that life situation limits some of my abilities.
 Today: laundry, cottage tidy, clippers sharpened at Farmer Market, prescription for sleep in Dallas, 3 viagra tabs, eat, chill, love life, relax.
 Shelley posted nice polaroid of Gil, mugging w/beer - from albums which I can't access - aww - pics from her bday - I am petty & bitter - not many people, and Chris is plump haha. Sigh. She did comment pic is mine. If she'd been more fair & generous/honest about photo albums/cemetery stones, would have made a big difference? Or is that my excuse? It didn't help. For her, to win was more important than post-marriage Robert contact, so here we are. For me, pride wounded by 'losing", on top of general discomfort/guilt etc - but I maybe could have dealt with that, if I'd felt some equanimity / respect re the shared property.
 We married for love, broke up over sex.
 It happens. It's no biggy, but what is post-divorce relationship built on if not some respect...
 Okay. Boom. Quiet time to myself - take care of myself.
 She said exactly what I'm feeling.
'It's hard to believe that it's already been a year since we lost Gil.
I'm still adjusting to this dull reality, half convinced that it can't be true, most of the time.
Miss you always Gil, ol buddy, ol pal!!'

 Tom's been making contact on facebook - 'likes', comments - and I feel like nothing will change so long as he invalidates my pain/stress over his bullying & insults. Invalidating me by calling me oversensitive is a deal-killer. So is it hopeless - seems so.
 Thu Jan 25.18 hm 3:25
 Home early for 4pm doc appt: Valium, Viagra & Arm
 Told Randy @wk I was planning to contact Dallas peeps about not training > whatever > wrote a decent note, they were sympathetic - well, T**** of course, expressed understanding, then pushed me to do some training in front of training lady anyway; I said no, explained why not. Period. You can't leave any wiggle room with these people. Situation must be explained clearly, then door slammed shut. There is a borderline bullying tone about it; it's essential to my well-bring to show compassion for myself > say no when I mean no. Anyone asks why I'm not training I can say "Personal reasons."
'Hi Dxxxx, Keeping this simple:
 Situation: Certified trainers required to run Dallas modules on CORE standards/Toolbox update.
 Issue: 2017 was a rough year; among other things: a year ago today lost best friend to bone cancer, and over Thanksgiving suddenly & unexpectedly lost Mother. I am emotionally (and physically) fragile. I have a doctor’s appt this afternoon to discuss options.
 I had hoped to improve by now, and be fully engaged in Dallas, but during recent weeks, as I considered the upcoming event, I am convinced I will not be capable of running a module effectively.
 Solution: I will support in any way I am able, but must opt out of running a module. 
 Randy is aware of these events; in the case someone requires supervisor confirmation, feel free to check in with him.
 Please let me know if you have any questions about this."
 No way to avoid sharing some details of death - I think I managed to give least possible amount of personal detail, and still be clear what I'm going through - mentioned doc appt. Everything I said was non-melodramatic, and true. I was/am stressed about being scrutinized while training, but was/am willing to deal with that - but this sense of vulnerability/fragility goes deeper, into dark places I'm not sure I recognize (now that's melodramatic).
 Curious how doc will go.
 It's that my inner resources, that I call on esp during training to focus/raise energy/spirits, are being used to keep me afloat. So nothing there to protect me from judgment, unkindness, pressure, bullying - and I may react with hostility... like Dad did, like anyone might...
 In Fri 7am - out 3:30pm - Sat free... fly out Sun morning.. I feel 100& better now, having protected myself.
 * is very curious about viagra - :-D.
 Decided on spur of moment to reject Mks friend request.. no.. talk first.. establish some boundaries... she began it, drove it, ended it... but she doesn't get to restart it.
 Thu Jan 25.18 nm
 Again up ~4am and toss/turn, general stress - about Dallas - I made decision to slow down and disconnect at work - overworked, disrespected, ignored - then the CORE stuff dumped on me, mind just broke - I can not do this - supposed to be 2 of us, but all on me?? How does that work? I asked for compensation from Taf & Jeff, brought it up in some detail with Tim & Yvonne - silence, push back, excuses... "Dept head will make that decision. But there isn't one haha." So what do you do? Start giving 100% instead of 110% and prioritize - demoralization went further, I've just been on a sit-down strike. Someone want to discuss with me? Doubtful. I told Yvonne would be happy to have someone come check on my work ethic, so we could discuss all I do, possible compensation/title adjust - silence.
 So naturally I'm unhappy - going to Dallas feeling unprepared because I intentionally did not put energy into it - and don't have heart for it - I have to take responsibility, since I did it - but some fucking respect, contact, support from company would help, too. Now we have Darcy, so I'll tell her, too - so there's paper trail - no one can say "Well, you should have said something." I did, and I was ignored.
 fb friend request from Mek. What to do? Ignore for now. I am allowed to do that. I can't imagine it becoming a low-key, occasional contact thing. She need a lot of attention (as do I), and I'm liking post-Mek quiet. Felt great relief when she got pissed and unfriended me. Not because I dislike her, but because she was using air I need to closer, longer term, more complex friends. I can claim my space. Bam.
 4pm doc appt with Fitzer for arm, viagra, valium.
 Maybe I can get 3 scanned Dad pics cleaned up today, mailed out, sent for prints. Get that off plate.
 Yeah - last year, pressure over 1-day LA trips, no compensation adjust, no dept head, Gil died, Sooz moved to OR, Mom died, CORE thing solo instead of 2 people... not a good year. I withdrew. No one to talk to.
 Anyway, 70K in bank, good job, nice cottage in cool neighborhood, Nomad coffee shop. Got used to phone & UBER, texting, sending phone photos, etc.
 Up ~7:20, smoothie, shower, a bit tired but okay - I can function. Groceries tonight after doc appt. Sat off to chill - sushi w/Eric? Sun lv early for SFO. All good.
 Today is best day of my life. This is best breath. That was best shower. Best coffee. Best good morning emails to/from Karen/Nuria.
 And there we have it - Mek was right - there were/are other established online friends, and there is no room for another - not one that is undeveloped, driven by one person more than the other. Unbalanced, unseasoned. How to say without being mean? Just like that. Ignoring her request is an option. I do not owe her an answer, except based on simple human decency terms.
 My job is in SF, my boss is WL - Tracey is not my boss. She's boss of training/app project; they want to train us to be better trainers., Cool. They know it will not happen overnight. Takes experience. I told them I have not had much. So they know. I spoke up. If necessary, tell them it's been a rough year & I may not be up for training while being filmed etc. Too much pressure. Write to Darcy today to let her know - professional thing to do it give them a heads up. It'll take some pressure off of me.
 Yes, soon as I wrote that I feel better. Let people know what's up. Dealing with loss of Mom is legit reason to call time-out.
 8:51am.. 20mins to chill
 Love, Robert.
 Wed Jan 24.18 nm
 Wait - Gil died on the 23rd, not the 25th? Maybe she's writing early.
 Stacey notes on her page, thanks everyone, esp for GoFundMe -
 "Massive thanks to everyone who donated to Go Fund Me. You made it possible for me to pay off Gil's medical bills, gradually downsize and make it through a difficult time without worrying about running out of money. Your generosity was overwhelming and I will be eternally grateful."
 Not directed at me, but glad was able to help in such a fundamental way: Money. How to ask without tackiness. It went well - giving people an opportunity to help in a real, meaningful way; giving support we'd all hope to get if the time comes. And Stacey spelling out how the donations helped - is - perfectly handled, letting everyone know what it meant to her.
 Anyway - maybe a bit of Dallas stress? Rough sleep this morning.. on my mind.. up 7:30 shower/smoothie - I want to be a trainer.. additional training to do it Bain style - is required - do best I can - enjoy it... I can do it... perfection not required - not a rejection of me/my experience - it is help and support. Be grateful. Thank you! Trip to Dallas so I can be high value trainer on west coast? Cool - yeah.
 Sooz called but had bad cold, cough hack - short call - back to bed.
 Heated up tortilla soup & bread dinner. Yum!
 Doc appt for arm, valium, viagra tomorrow afternoon.
 Brought Lisa's silver wear to work to mail.
 Part of me does not want to fly to Dallas, wants to stay home, not deal with airport security stress - new people - new job requirements - people with higher skills better minds - man, better get used to this - in the real world this is true every day. Respect their experience/job requirements/pressure they're under - don't expect perfection.
 I feel defensiveness through my mind. Breath. Relax. Relax my body and mind will follow. Work it out. Just do my best. Be myself. Relax and enjoy. I'm a good person, and people like me. I have a certain amount of charisma I'm told - let myself shine.
 Umm - yeah - flights/hotels taken care of - Sun flight ~10:15, UBER 7:30 - a bit early but, I chose daylight arrival, Home late Wed afternoon. Meals.
 No whining! I am winning.
 Learn from my procrastination/slowdown at work - not sure it's helping - I don't have to give 120%, but do give 100%.
 Speak up! Ask for raise! Be professional.
 And - yes - enjoy every sandwich, spend $$ on new experiences, enjoy friends, life, walking, a mediocre life is a life and it is fantastic. And if it matters: touring with Game Theory, working with Scott on-and-off for 30yrs, a photographic body of work of (very minor) note, a few viral montages including Frida w/gun - my goddam survival - being a difficult/troubled/angry person let's say, okay - finding my place in world by learning (the hard way) to accept love and friendship, and doing good work. Being gifted godfather to Xoxo. Establishing a relationship with Father (meh) and mother (<3 ) through mutual efforts. Being with mother reading from bible holding her hand when she took last breaths - having it together to immediately text sibs - adds up. To a life.
 Tue Jan 23.18 nm
 Let's not make too much of it - breath! - but Fri Jan 25 1st anniv of Gil's death.. be prepared for some feelings. Damn it - but no sense in cursing death.. part of life and natural etc - I'm okay.. maybe I less 'miss' him, than am suffering from rending wounds of months, years of his illness, his leaving, worrying about Stacey. Tragic is dying young.. 60 not bad, plus his success as drummer.. and as beloved person. Sigh.
 Usual stress about Dallas trip Sun - making flight - would rather stay home - I feel pretty confident about running part of module - I'll have time to practice - so far as being watched, judges on my training skills - I am defensive, sensitive etc - work on being stronger - accepting, valuing advice - my view of myself as 'trainer', as expert, is not sullied nor challenged by their advice. I crave it, if I can get past my defenses. Let them down. Let go. Don't worry, be happy. Breath. Enjoy. Enjoy all aspects of life.
 Hard stress is death, poverty, instability - etc - not being trained to be a trainer. :-D I'm not losing sleep - so gonna be okay.
 It helped that last week I trained an individual, going over material felt normal/smooth, training went well.
 Mon >work, WF for moisturizer, bread, berries/soup - Mexican soup/bread for dinner > 3rd/last check from Mom showed up - $6.5K; altogether, ~13+6.6+200 = ~20K.. ~2x expecting.. well, cool... before Nov 2017 I'd be thinking give at least $1K each to K&E. Now I am thinking save save save. I have given enough. the 20K - thanks Mom! - partially fills hole in budget from last 10yrs tithing to K/Xo/Eric etc.
 Gonna put me close to 70, which means if I'd saved every penny I'd now have well over 100. That kind of thinking may be inevitable - bitter, resentful - but but but - where would I be if Mom & Dad, Marge & John, had been less generous. I have been given much. Without K would not have this job and cottage. It all equals out. Much of what I have given - vast majority - was well-invested in K/Xo, and Eric's well-being.
 If I die today, the tithing will not have disadvantaged me in any way.
 If I live another 20 years, an extra 20K will not make much difference, is not whole picture. Quality of life also counts - supporting friends increases my enjoyment and quality of life. M&D made sure we all got equal, all got ~20.
 Thank you, M&P.
 6x20 means there was ~120K altogether, about what she said - maybe some went to Shirley. It's not all about $$$ - tho of course that is nice - it's about tthe love it represents. Example she & Dad sent by this duty/generosity/care & love.
 Get to scans and photos for sibs & Shirley today.
 And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.
 Mon Jan 22.18 nm
 Stress about training in DAL - I didn't do my homework! Most of us didn't! It'll be okay. I can do this. Perfection is the enemy of good - do the best I can and I'll be okay. My 18yrs training experience is valid. Do the best I can and all will be well. Take criticism graciously. They are trying to help. Express any of my opinions without pushing back -respect their opinions also. Phew.
 Sun: Bit of sitting around, Yard work: chop yellow flower stump pile, sweep/rake under front orange-berry bush, chop back East side to respect neighbor's space, sweep side/back paths, choose 1 of 3 small datura sprouts to replace big one that died (yank other 2) > brought many books/CDs to car > managed to get to Tilden <20min drive - visit farm cows, rabbits, fowl - past cabin trail, cross fire road sticking to lower trails, Jewel Lake, lower trail - overcast and Gloomy, lots of families avoided feeling isolated. weekends are tough.
 Downtown: Arnell's pizza, bookstore > groceries - salad/pudding - Starry Plough for 1 pint and lopsided football - > home: heat up Vietnamese fish soup w/bread - yum! - sewed/cinched waist of baggy pants to better fit.
 So actually, Sun: Yard, books from cottage, Tilden stroll, pizza, bookstore, groceries, Starry Plough, soup & bread, sew clothes.
 Plus nice pic from Nur. K in NY.
 Today: $12K check from Mom to bank, update online payments (Amazon, angrylambie, etc) to new Bank Card, print pics for Shirley/sibs.
 Look online for new phone?
 Hard to tell what is my usual stressfully gloomy weekends, where I can't avoid dark side of isolation, and what is depression about Mom & Gil. Seriously considered talking to Bain HR about it - to prep in case I need to tell Tracey I can't do Dallas module. But - work protects me from feelings > keep busy/think positive - that may be only answer. Let's see what she asks me to do > then practice, do best I can. Yes.
 It's not a problem if there's a solution. To extent it's an issue, it's a quality issue, because it means I have a job with responsibilities. And I like training! So, even tho it's scary to do new things - to learn new things - it's all good! Fear does not mean it's bad! Wanting to run and hide does not mean it's bad; just means it's difficult and scary - but I can do it. Cool. Do it!
 They are not saying I'm doing it wrong - they are saying I can be even better! I do want to be a good trainer.
 Rainy.. time to go soon. Next Sun fly to Dallas. I think Fri I'll essentially be alone. Look into it.
 Tom certainly sending signals he wants to hang - but no way will he concede that his attitude is part of the problem - he insults > I respond > he calls me over-sensitive. End of tale. Been there, done that. He will never be able to talk about it. As Das was not. Eric says forget it - not gonna change. K would say reach out, but she doesn't quite get it. She does not know all.
 Less $$ for her, less for everyone. Time to work work work save save save and be sure my word is good.
 Sun Jan 21.18 nm
 Sat easy - Groceries/laundry.. cold..
 Nur IMs mentions we have both been less chatty - I get emotional, breaking up?! - guilty - but that very morning I sent personal pic and she said she loved it. Weird over-emotional reaction - but that's we've both been since beginning, emotional - so, okay - that's what we have decided to ride out. Made montage of her with Beatles - sent - she likes. Play. We are playing.
 Probably also hungry - not much food, sandwich meals.
 Big mid-east salad for dinner.
 Sleep ~10:30 - up 4:30 - back to sleep till ~9am.
 Working through stress about training in Dallas - do best I can - that is all that is required, professionally and personally; criticism is an opportunity to improve.
 Mom's insurance check arrived for $12K.. I was expecting total of ~$10K, but prepped for less - another annuity check to go? Some tax was taken out, but as it's a gift do I need to pay taxes? Sigh. Also got tax forms from work - ~$66K/yr  - ~$45 after tax - which is still low in SF - in another town I'd be doing well. If I was in a partnership with someone employed we'd have ~$100K/yr. Supposedly I'll get more back after Trump's not-paid-for tax cuts - so could be a good year.
 Be less generous - that is baked in after Gil/Mom - yet, I just had a $300+ sushi meal with Eric without blink - & jumped on $1K for 2nd Russian River cottage music weekend w/only minor cringe (not to mention tickets - tho, maybe this year no Gold tickets on jazz weekend?).
 Difference is - last year I'd have assumed some of Mom's $12K would tithe to Eric & Karen. Not now.
 In small ways and large I move towards more frugality. There's no sense in looking backwards - but if I'd been less generous over the last 10+ years I'd probably have $100K now - easy - and then what? I'd still have to keep my job - I'd still be looking at no retirement ever. Gil & Mom would still be dead, and I'd still be me, just with a little more security. There is probably ~$5K in there I'd take back - like $500 I gave for Monks of Doom record - what was I thinking? But I did it because I could and wanted to. Most went to friends, meals, help with Xo, Karen & Iain flights etc. That's fine - that is what money is for I think. It brought Eric happiness and comfort in a somewhat isolated life. $$ to Gil helped me by letting me feel I was doing something - gifts of love - $$ to Stacey was duty and promise to Gil kept, plus I wanted to help her as a friend. Also, I have spent commiserate $$ on myself: $1,000s on art, on Mendocino weekends, etc  - would I want it all back, not have the art, life experiences, warm feelings from helping friends get through night, from giving Xo the feeling someone - her Uncle Robert - had her in his mind always? That's what I paid for - and there I spent unwisely, I learned.
 It's all good; not merely about amounts of money - it's what value I got in return. Tickets for Gil & Stacey to see No Man's Land. Priceless.
 After all that, w/Moms $$ I'll have ~$60, closer to $70 by EOY, all things remaining equal.
 Okay.. 11:45am - thinking about Tilden stroll.
 Today will be good. Life is sweet.
 Yes, thank you, be good today.
 Thankful for warm bed, quilts, art, photoshop, my art, Buff & DJ, Nomad, my job, Gil & Stacey, Suzanne, Eric, Karen & Xo... Iain and his family - difficult in he circumstances...maybe after K is settled in elsewhere, door will widen.
 Sat Jan 20.18 nm
 Fri pm  Long'ish IM w/L, told about doc appt for pills etc.
 Fri @wk regional boss dropped by:
 No in-town dept head, be D'Arcy in CHI - okay - no local dept head is okay. I suppose. Up & down-sides to that.
 1-day LA training trips has been discussed/options explored; sounds like it's understood to be settled in my favor. Good.
 Uncertain about temp S***a; I put in she brings advanced skills lost when Taf left - seemed to have impact, she was grateful.
 Overall good feeling to finally get some word/attention, that our dept/concerns not totally ignored.
 CHI will purchase DAL hotels/flights - another point of tension resolved (rather than us paying/being reimbursed).
 Town Hall Mtg got word on move to new bldg - late Feb.
 Trained one person on CORE, felt pretty good, friendly, she was fun to hang with. As of today, think I'm only person knows CORE in SF.
 Difficult Nike template went well as could be hoped.
 Morning lightly hungover from 1/2 bottle of cedar sake during Thu pm Sooz call - hostile , touchy, weird, but better by afternoon.
 Global ppt person asked each of us trained trainers to run part of DAL CORE modules - I pushed back, said very limited experience, makes more sense to have experienced folks do it. She said 'understood' - but good experience for us. Whatever. Breath. Do it for me.
 It's stressful, but not a problem because - there is a solution:
 1.) Do a good job, at least do my best.
 2.) It's a quality problem - situation exists because I have a job, and I like training.
 3.) They are helping me a better trainer.
 4.) I bring other skills aside from perfect training chops: Investment, helpful, articulate, charming, knowledgeable, cool. 
is infectious - as a trainer I bring that - making me a self-conscious robot snuffs that out and may make training less effective.
 Growing up hyper as I did, I was told to slow down, quiet down, a lot - therefore it's a personal pain point for me.
 Growing up -I was told to not be so loud - so I assume I am loud - but turns out I am not. So - learn! Speak up.
 I can do it - so it is not a problem. I'll get over stress. I'll do good. Not perfect by their standards - no one is perfect - but good enough.
 A year from now, skills experience will have sunk in; I'll be a better teacher.
 That  - is what I want - because I love teaching. Cool.
 Other important thing - I did push back, and was acknowledged.
 I suspect R at work has told some people about my rough 2017 - so they know I'm - delicate.
 It's all good.
 Yes - think it through - this is not insurmountable!  I can do this - and it will benefit me in many ways.
 Difficult, but anything worth doing will be so.
 Breath. Cool. As necessary, let them know about my sensitivity about being told to slow down, and not be loud etc.
 Good -- thinking it through.
 Tom reaching out, asking about photos etc. I'll get to it.
 mmm - cappuccino, eggs/bagel, espresso - thank you Nomad. Thank you Berkeley. Thank you Karen & all friends known and unknown.
 Life is good. Lots of resolved issues this week. Good Friday.
 Fri pm pot, heated up rice porridge, dried figs, slow mo Mendo ocean... so fun.
 Enjoyment is good. Enjoy life - sometimes nothing but pure enjoyment.
 Often have to remind myself it's okay necessary normal natural supreme. Enjoying life is worshipping god.
 Hiking pants arrived, can unzip leg bottoms - become shorts.
 No plans - errands/grocery/laundry - cottage care. My calm little routine is good - I woke up stayed in bed long as I liked, comfy & warm, wanked, smoothie - my traditional table at Nomad. Last few years was death, rock photos, growing up - phone/insurance/savings - Scott & Gil gone, last connections to Game Theory. Interviewed for books, articles. Kilby book photos. Too bad about Scott book, 'don't all thank me at once' - my famous Scott portrait on cover, more inside, would have made big difference. Publishers Joe & whatsername did not even contact me; everyone seemed shocked/disappointed (including author, who contacted me privately); I still strongly suspect - assume - Ana M poisoned well against me, with her 'poor me' drama mama, 'I am forced against my will to defame Robert'. Hahah. Yeah - I know that one. And I'll survive it just fine. I am after all 'Gil's best friend' & guy who made $20K for his widow. Take that drama mama defamer :-D.
 I win.
 Thu Jan 18.18 nm
 In early for Sooz call tonight -
 Called Mom's NY place after receiving 2nd copy of form - no worries - $6,500 on the way.
 Bank yesterday for new bank card, now look for places using the card (Amazon, internet) and update. Cashed $200 check from MONY. Money is nice, but also want the closure of getting these reminders over.
 Email from Tracey @ work - GFX dept all fly out in shifts end of month - who pays? Not much time to prepare. Some offices close. Last minute stuff. Whatever - 4 days in Dallas, free meals. Cool. Fly out Sun, back Wed evening.
 Surprise nice pic & shower vid from N.
 K looking for mortgage on new house?
 Feeling good, but also find myself irritable/spazzzy at work - don't assume all is good - but better, yes.
 Is Dallas same week as Doc appt??
 Avg apt rent in Oakland /Berkeley ~$3200. Fuck. Buff/DJ & I need to stick together. But not live in fear.
 But some fear is natural.
 Send scans of Dad to sibs, ask who gets originals (Anne wants M&D at costume party).
 Mendo trip seems to have done me lots of good - reasonably good shape comparatively.
 Groceries after work - berries, eggs.. and umm.. chocolate pudding I watched last night while watching ultra-slow-motion Mendo weekend videos. Moment of "bad Robert!", followed by I am having a good time, and responsibilities taken care of - so - good for me!
 Finished Gilbert Hernandez comic on BART - now, History of Rock Stars.
 Slept good.
 Found missing Neutral Lambie doll K sent with big ass anaconda red scarf.
 At work, read Town Hall mtg notes (issues) from workers - CSS & other asking for pay increase to match cost-of-living in Bay Area etc - answer is basically: fuck off, we know other places will pay more, but you have the honor of working here. There is something to that - looks good on resumes. At least I am not alone! And Dallas GFX girl & I emailed about how we are not being asked for support, therefor not getting CORE experience - again, I am not alone - and am ultra-fortunate re low rent.
 Say Hi to Buff!
 Life is good. Today will be a good day. Expect nothing but best!
 In last 4 years: Scott died, Gil died, Sooz moved away, Game Theory records re-released with lots of my photos, K trying to hold onto house... now that period is over.
 Now is now. Attention/excitement (around Game Theory stuff) finished.
 Now is now. Keep moving.
 Wed Jan 17.18 nm
 Tues slept well, refreshed/relaxed - overcast Mendo for 10am high tides - not dramatic as Mon storm surf, but good splashing crashing mist-spraying thumps! Also no rain - win - walk south/back. Into town looking for jewelry store lady that made gold/opal ring I gave to Lisa C 1999.. wrong artist, still good to do; I tried. Soup/sandwich from Grocery. Out of town ~noon?
 Stop above Navarro to eat soup - Nino Rota, Spirit (12 dreams) - my late teen dreams. "I don't know what it is to be free...." "Nature's way..." Thanks Gil/Stacey.
 Stop at Pepperwood Pottery but they closed! But I tried!
 Stop in Hendy Woods nr Boonville - heavy overcast damp air, beautiful wood tho! Do a overlapping loop, almost lost! But map helped.. got it.. deep damp red redwoods.. beautiful chill out easy trail.
 Easy drive, empty work day roads.
 S Rosa ~3:35.. give Eric ping-pong ball catapult from science store & small metal tiny metal parts train. Osake for big meal - we both hungry - it's cold and we want warm food! - mainly sides, plus Kobe Beef plate & cedar sake - hot chocolate dessert. $325. Yum!
 Eric and I have know each other since ~1981?...37yrs?
 Check email - Russian River Jazz Blues has morphed dramatically! Jazz/Blues weekend is now 2-day Jazz/funk/R&B weekend! Now Blues is one-Sun in June, plus Sat is 100th anniv beach party - gah!! Jump on room in Ferndale place - get Fri/Sat - dive back in to snag Sunday pm after Eric notes price too low - I think I signed up for non-specific one bed studio - call back today to see if we can be in one room, also if we can get 2-bedroom cottage. That was dramatic - mind blown - that we got a room at all! - also - note -we both like it, I was mildly uncomfortable about cost, but really no question we would do both. Boom. Thank you internet and that we stumbled on that info and had a place in mind etc.
 Easy drive home - slept well. 8:50am time for work.
 Do my job.
 Today will be great - I expect good things. At end of say I'll say that was a good one!
 Restful weekend good idea.
 Print Dad scans for fam.
 Tues Jan 16.18 Bragg hotel 8:45am
 I questioned whether another/multiple trips to Bragg was necessary - and it's cool - relaxing - enjoyable - noticeable difference between Thanksgiving week when I was dealing w/work stress, and both Xmas & New Years 4-day weekends dealing with Mom's (and Gil's) deaths. This weekend felt more like normal, just floating, no plans - filling time in a beautiful coast location, enjoying place for what it is. Finding out who I am without Mom, with more adult view of life.
 After Fusion dinner, sit and chill comfortably couple hours - cherry tootsie pops - little pot ~9:30, sleep 10:30'ish sleep some pretty deep till ~6:00, snooze till 7 - feeling okay - shower, smoothie.. order replacement hiking pants with legging from REI (others ass ripped out sliding down redwood hillside).
 ~9now - 10am high tides.. sure.. check them out, check jewelry store for gold rings with opal like I got for Lisa; obviously I need closure haha. Wearing Dad's wedding ring feels so right. Weird that.
 Packing out.. good digestion lately.. bring dried fruit to work instead of snacking on peanuts/American processed poisoned cereal etc.
 Good? Ready to work? Mid-life crisis - sure - have one - be unhappy at work - everyone else is! but count blessings and make it work somehow. Get real. At my level, no one gives a fuck. People I support may love me - and that does count for something! But higher-ups don't give a fig - if I complain, I become problem. So, do my job - one day trips to LA? Maybe? But explain it makes me ill & I will not be able to do as good a job as if I was put up overnight. In fact call in sick a few times after LA trips. To send message.
 Chill. Be happy. yes thank you be good today.
 Today will be a good day - at the end of the day I'll think 'This was good'.
 Expect good things, acceptance, support, and give it, too, and it will come my way.
 Mon Jan 15.18 II hotel 6:50pm
 Lv hotel this morning ~9:10 for 9:30 new moon full tide - sposed to rain & maybe thunderstorm - sun & clouds, but mostly clouds south in Mendo. Waves big and splashy tho!
 I was not very connected - but maybe vacation relaxed brain - stood for a while, but not feeling it, walk south - back to north headlands, sit, meditate - feel good!
 Remind myself how I star feeling good and connected when I meditate!

 While sitting Shiva - breathing, calm, centered - set of big ones come in right at me - they miss, but bam! Big loud thumping splashing spraying! Starts to sprinkle - back to car ~11:20 - almost 2 hours on coast before rain started.
 Still groggy - town for grocery soup/strawberries, espresso, fill thermos.
 South to side road pullover, trail to cliff bluffs. 2 miles to Little River at Van Damme Park - park, eat, drizzle, binoculars/seagulls washing in river water beach 'pond'- it is a really small river! Walk to north end of beach. Nice to be out. Checking phone - Tom & them not able to reach Shirley.. hmmm.. eventually they do. At same time, Mek msg appeared in Messenger - same text she sent to my backup profile, explaining how rude I was, how I misunderstood, how it's not worth explaining. I'm not down for responding - yet. It all feels under her control; and, also, I like having my life back. Hard to imagine a low-key friendship.
 Mendo, espresso, scientific toy store for Eric gifts - things to put together - , books store for book about era of Rock Stars.. read sad part of Frankenstein where innocent girl gets hung, had to wipe and dab tears from eyes. Snif.
 Super misty.. park west end of Main St., stroll headlands perimeter; then to North headlands, but really low tide/low waves..
 .. ~4:30 lv for Bragg, gas Siouxie, chill @hotel, Fusion restaurant again - chicken enchiladas/2 margaritas. $40. You only live once. Thank you Sooz for car. Siouxie 2.
 Don't be cocky about job - everyone is expendable, and it could be a life saver to have this job for next years. Also, live.
 Couple things to look into tomorrow - downtown jewelry store with same artist who made gold band w/opal I got for Lisa Cowan/have since wanted for myself. Weird obsession. But go ahead and deal with it - whatever it takes - but don't spend $500 on a copy for fuck's sake! Dumbass :-D
 10am high tides - 6ft - check it out. Says cloudy foggy all day, but no rain. Okay.
 Mon Jan 15.18 Bragg 8:09am
 Sleep !10:30-up ~7:30 - thermos coffee smoothie.
 High tide 9:30 - shower. head over - low energy, but better than Sun. Wank last night & this morning.
 Sunny & clouds out - doesn't look like gonna rain/afternoon thunderstorm.
 Vacation - same as I'd do at home, but away - sit w/laptop - walk(?) - shop - need more strawberries - yes, this is good - no plans, no desires  - I explored recently over holidays - but.. plenty of places to walk if I want. Van Damme?
 I vaunt to be alone.
 Sun Jan 14.18 II 8:21pm
 Just trying to stay awake - Sat early evening slept couple hours, fucked up my sleep
 Today slow foggy morning - alien brain - who the fuck am I? Better after shower/breakfast (mideast salad) - Nur send mole photo to decipher.
 ~11am headed south aimlessly - really nice warmish, still, cloudy/light day - great for chill/tourist/stroll/explore Mendo - stopped in several stores/galleries, yard tile with 3 penises!? Oh, fish - nice - bought it. Grocery store: water, berries, white bean & sausage soup. South headlands, ate soup, nap - getting a bit chillier, walk south from lot snacking on dried figs, take long route all around - beautiful, peaceful. Head back ~4 as clouds cover sun completely. No sunset.
 Maybe, sleep in an hour or so ~9:30-10..
 ...on Tues lv early, visit Hendy Woods State Park this side of Boonville, & Pepperwood Pottery1/4 mile east of Navarro store.
 River along 128 from Philo is Navarro River, not Eel, damn it. Hahahaha.
 Checked my other fb page - note from Mek blaming me for everything, saying there's no reason to talk explain etc. Ah. Okay. That settles that. I agree. This is what happens when we skin our fantasy knees on reality pavement. It got hot fast - either it can stay in fantasy fun, or our real world desires make demands, and it ends.
 Somehow - mental place that stuff resides in similar to other online friendships; it was fucking them up, sucking them into same stream, using all oxygen for others. It was all or nothing with Mk, so it's nothing; it was a hot ride. No regrets. Helped while in WV during Mom's death/funeral/apartment clean out. But too much time & energy invested in fantasy, when reality needs full-time attention.
 Mon: High tide at 9:30am.. and/or stroll Glass Beach bluffs - sposed to rain! Maybe thunderstorms in afternoon? So no stroll - well - that's why I brought a raincoat.
 Yeah - I think I'm feeling better - facing full effect of deaths, aging - still a mess - but getting a grip - of course I don't want to work - and if I lose the job, I will fill my time with other things. If some of those things are redundant/dumb, well, so is work. On other hand - I can have nice things because of my job and cheap rent.
 There you have it.
 Sun Jan 14.18 9:44am cloud/sun
 Sleep on-and-off - weird - hungry - barely ate yesterday... Just turkey sandwich/most of box of big pretzels  - careful, I'm doing sleepless/foodless high maybe... stayed in bed till almost 9... upper left arm sore...
 Feeling like being alone... leave me alone! N sent pic of small mole, says guess where it is :-) have to respond - I'm avoiding food - what is that about? Shower, than salad.. then walk the coast.. mmmm... nice...
 Ah, $75 for Sat pm room, $63 Sun/Mon. Good.
 Sat Jan 13.18 II Bragg hotel 9pm
 Lv Oakland ~8:15 Easy drive to Bragg, coffee in Cloverdale/Boonville - sunny cool beautiful  esp through sunny redwoods - climb hillside, on way down slide onto ass, don't realize till evening it tore ass out of pants - hahah. Pics of trip to Nuria. Heavy lovely fog on coast - mood pretty good! Note general anger/tension/pushback against other men in life - Dad/brother/work supervisors - resenting, taking their 'manliness' as bullying, because I'm a sensitive wimp/was bullied. What can I do about that? Mellow out? Yes. Don't take it personal.
 At coast turn left over bridge, then sharp right to coast/old buildings where Navarro River meets ocean.. explore big old white renovated bldg; walking from car to beaches, young hippie ran by, said better/easier to walk barefoot.. um.. no.. uh, yeah okay - thank you anonymous young man. Water rushing into surf, seals on logs in middle of stream, lots of cool forest debris from winter flooding, rough rocky coast/man-made 'structures' from driftwood,  - beautiful! Ocean walk end to end -
 - sit in car, Bowl sandwich, binoculars: seals, birds, people dogs.
 Live Loud Family radio show from Bradley - cool - good band! Gil! Scott talking - awww - damn it. - also early Beatles from Gil's iPod, & Mozart.
 Mendo for thermos coffee, pretzels - moderate dense fog in town. Briefly stroll north end of headlands - enjoying beauty, mood good - ~15mins to hotel - 115 not available after all! 125 is fine - big 2 beds bath quiet. No Internet! I take laptop to lobby - he says no one else has complained, I ask if he can get on - uh hahah - he can try! Reboots server, then I can get on. Haha. Squeaky wheel. Thanks!
 Heater in room (?) knocks me out - ~6:30-9 - bam zzzz! Hydrate -
 Good day, collected rocks, wood bits, photos - Bragg trips over xmas and New Year felt like mourning time for Mom (and Gil) - resting mind - I enjoyed today just for what it is, not much overthinking. Good sign. Settling back into routine. Life is okay - just this quiet little life is okay. And job makes it doable. I like this - but something else might also be good. I also liked living in Taylor w/Gil & Stacey.
 it's a 30min drive from Bragg to Navarro River Estuary - saw couple, sitting in folding chairs by riverside, relaxing/grooving on river - thought that looked pretty cool.
 Sat Jan 13.18 nm
 Packed/showered/smoothied - emptied trash bins, idiot checks sort of - clear cold'ish morning.. food, clothes, electronics - quiet. Don't feel like talking to anyone online,
 Want real people, real things in front of me I can touch and see and hear.
 Gas up Siouxie. Is her name Siouxie?
 It's okay - grow a pair, be a little more realistic and cynical, fatalistic, be kind, but don't daydream - life is hard, bad things happen, I need money, be less generous - esp w/strangers - support Xo, enjoy visits/meals w/Eric, immediate circle - but financially, w/Mom dead, fairy tales died, fear becomes more of a factor - it was always there, but now not hidden. Fear is my friend. Protect myself  - while being kind, generous (with time, not $$), patient with people.
 Be more cynical. Be afraid.
 Work work work. Save save save. Make sure my word is good. I'm an adult now - my word matters.
8:02, shit shower and shine. Road. 3 nights in Bragg/Mendo. Nice.
 I needed a month off after Mom died - instead I am taking long weekends.
 I am definitely (and defiantly) much more low energy distracted disconnected at work - no enthusiasm - expectations unrealistic, there's no one to talk to. No support. No respect. No one gives a fuck about our tiny little dept. Everyone is too busy with expansion into new bldg etc. Still, I will be swept along - doing training, themes, photos - tons of connections. I think I'm good. I mean, I don't sense they're getting rid of us - we are just low low priority right now; everyone is crazy busy. So keep my head down, do my job.
 Time for road. Drive. Gas up car. Cloverdale for more coffee. redwoods. Coast. Rain. :-) Happy - no place I'd rather be.
 *Cloverdale stop for mocha*: K mentioned possibly flying B to NY - hmm - if that is affordable, K does not need my financial support. No - not going to pay for bfs. Keep it for me.
 Playing live LF on drive, thinking about Scott - where is that part of my life settling? It was huge on-and-off 1981-2000 - then LF ended. 13yrs later he killed himself. What he needed was a life where he won all the times that he lost. With all his gifts & ego, he could not figure out why he had not succeeded as pop star. Failed pop star - then K convinced him he was failure as husband... as many women do to their men - finally he was convinced he was failure as father, his mental illness was hurting his children.. failure "I'm a failure!" Aside from computer engineering, making a living - he had failed.. 53, homeless, divorced again, possibly legally forced to stay away from his children - the thing he lived for. Okay. Still - he blew it - he missed watching his kids grow up. From afar? Too much for his big only-child ego? He was too hurt.
 People die. Those left behind go on living.
 Fri Jan 12.18 hm 5:40pm
 Finished E Leonard Western collection - cool.
 Got room 115 in Bragg Sat-Mon pm - ~$70./night.
 Appt w/Fitzer for left arm pain, Viagra & maybe 1-time Valium prescriptions. Wrote into info and emailed to him.
 Spent an hour in Conf Room going over CORE stuff - felt okay - info came back - another hour next week, then train one person Fri. I'm not doing any of the extras Head boss asked for - send samples, questionnaires, organize & train new people to do more training in LA. There is virtually no contact from her, from global, nor from Williams Lea our supposed bosses. Whatever the fuck - I come in, do my job, in theory that ought to keep me employed. I am more valuable than I know - even if I didn't do extras: photos, training, facepages, photo collection, CORE stuff, attend events. 
 Organized papers on desk, compiled to-do lists, link to HR-supported facepages to office, then ~8 minor changes/sent again.
 Not much work - others doing most all - I hope, because Randy told them I was feeling 'overwhelmed', so they're trying to ease up on me while I'm grieving.
 On Mary's fb page, saw Niece Lisa's pic of open bible from Mom's room - got weepy - uh-oh. Hmm. Burying some stuff? Maybe just need time - maybe will always miss my mother, my friend. We argued, we got irritated, even angry, we talked about everything, we both asked questions we wanted to ask - sometimes just wanted to hear each others' voices - and said that to each other -, talk about the weather.
 I want to be alone.
 No one.
 2 month whatever w/Mek was nice - but had to end.
 But think: 
 Mom & Gil dead, Sooz 12hrs away, Karen in England. Scott dead, and Game Theory/Photo Robert 'fame' over. Frida 'fame' pretty much over.
 Only local friends are Buff & DJ.
 Wow. No wonder I feel scared sometimes.
 Not good to be so isolated. Afraid of change, of old age, boredom. Fear not!
 But look life - my life, the only life there is I have any say over - and live it the way I want.
 This is a great job! Don't ever think it is not a great gift. Do it for Xo.
 I'm feeling sorry for myself too much - there's much to be grateful for, esp considering my personality and snarky attitude - to be in SF, in growing company, starting mid-tier during dotcom boom, now into largest bldg on West Coast, leading training into new style.
 Just do my best. That is all that is required. Can I do that?
 Yes - but - currently, best I can is a little less than usual because of deaths/general malaise/stress. So - okay - do best I can anyway.
 Live for moment - assume longer life.
 Music tomorrow night in Bragg at brewery walking distance to hotel - might be fun.
 Do not treat online relationships like real relationships. Maybe that was what was fucking with me about Mek. And it slipped over into others.
 But reality is I live alone, w/few local friends; I like it that way. But it is hard losing Gil... one year ago - Jan. 25th. Owch.
 Finally going into to se doc about arm.
 Also do annual check up on Camry after back from Bragg.
 Yes - I can do this. Yes I can.
 Thu Jan 10.18 nm
 Bragg this weekend
 Discussing erotic painting with several fb friends.
 Work slow.. CORE training next Fri - plenty of time to refresh.
 Finances not bad w/2 upcoming paychecks.
 Otherwise, procrastinating unmotivated -winter, death, overwork - feeling cot-off left alone by WL - no dept head, no one on west coast to talk to. Wondering if they mean to get rid of us? But who will train, take/upload photos, do facepages templates etc? Mmmm - probably keep us.
 Wed after work BB for berries soup pudding. Another night of pot/Duke Nukem walk throughs - but moving into cool documentaries about weird monuments history etc.
 Wed Jan 9.18 nm
 Where is my mind?
 Back to work - but level of depression in there?
 Tues in early to train 2 FEMPs - went okay. Then final facepages, now working closely w/HR for updates - sent it off, distributed, felt good to get that done.
 Today carve out time for CORE rehearsal, re-jigger Summer vacation - I think there are 2 trainings 3rd week of July I signed up for - check it out. Don't procrastinate.
 Talked to Sooz last night - she's healing from lady bits surgery - body pains. Getting a greenhouse for cactuses. Told her about Mek - said some hope for future friendship. She said I should do Bragg over 4-day MLK weekend - good for me.
 Me, back to work, it is biggest part of my life right now - so need to invest in it. If necessary talk to WL HR, and/or Bain HR. Esp re LA trips. Get that stress taken care of, off table. In theory, Randy will be doing LA - but nail it down.
 Make Doc appt.
 Get will info.
 Tues after work, walking home, thought "I like my life! I like my job!" Where did that come from - been a while! Good sign. Back to work irritation, instead of depression about dead friends/family. hahaha. Concord train, stop for sushi boat, nice walk home - so focused on work stress I walked past Shattuck almost down to Adeline - hahah! Damn. What can I do?? Talk to HR. Document where I'm at in a professional way.
 Reading Elmore Leonard western short stories - yep - good stuff.
 Quiet with NurMont & I after long personal chat on weekend - she said busy & hormonal - me, too I think - a short quiet is fine - we are there to take edge off loneliness, not to be partner every day. Desire for nudes not visible - probably there, but more subdued, and better idea of if and where they may come from.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Mon Jan 8.18 nm rain
 Expect good things, look for good things - feeling fearful, mopey, lazy is addictive - releases endorphin, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine - to counteract - expect good, deal with let-downs - there's always tomorrow.
 Make plans for weekends - sitting around all day is not good. I am so relieved this morning to go back to work, to fill my time, reassure myself of survivability - I am employable - job with some status.
 New pics sub from LR with permission from her dom.
 Long IM's/pics w/Nur Sat, quiet yesterday. Breaks are good. I am for now no longer asking her for pics. I accept her shyness. It means - a loss of tension of desire - asking. But asking has swerved into negotiating - and tho that's okay, and necessary - it felt - not very romantic. Getting them would end tension/desire altogether. It is what it is, where it is - it's fine. Some confusion was fun/exciting. As we get more comfortable, it gets less exciting. This is okay.
 Arc of attraction/romance is predictable - don't expect anything else. Be intelligent, respectful, kind, patient, forgiving.
 I have MK's gmail. Do I owe her an explanation? That's crux of uncertainty: in a mutually agreed-upon online fantasy relationship, do I owe her answer about people and activities in my real life? Isn't that an (unconscious) passive-aggressivel tactic to bring whole thing into real world, when we (supposedly) want it at a fantasy level - a place where we are more free to do/say/share what we want, explore without restraint. We were - and did - learning things about ourselves when we kept it at that level - I did not want to lose it. But it was over. Good while it lasted - ~2 months. Inevitably (?) real world emotions kicked in and it is over.
 I think I'm okay about facepage support from HR - I reacted badly - felt like I'd done something wrong, angry that momentum/glory grabbed/stopped. That is not the case. They are offering help. Be easy to work with. In long run being easy to work with will pay off.
 Sun late afternoon downtown bookstore; Bowl fruit/hot soup/salad/pudding. Watched Iggy movie with pudding - that was fun - pot & music. I knew story - still good to hear.
 I enjoyed sitting around, going to bed early.
 Some fears of poverty, old age... watching Iggy movie, seeing my past, dreams of youth gone.. now needing to survive. Umm - might be good to focus on that. Haha.
 Life's a beautiful bitch.
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Oh, realizing - missing daily contact w/Mk? - sort of? Some comfort there - but - relationships are hard enough, online fantasies bring their own issues, as the enjoyment inevitably creates craving for more, something solid, secure.
 Maybe now that Mom is gone, I'll be more open to other friends.
 Sun Jan 7.18 hm bed 1pm
 Here's reality.
 Home alone in bed.
 Gil & Mom dead. Karen & Sooz in far away lands.
 And - I think I'm okay with this.
 Sun Jan 7.18 nm
 Sat mostly sat around, lots of IM'ing w/folks (Tessa, Claro) neglected during Mk tornado - shower/wash hair, selfies (sitting in chair) for N, ~4:30 laundry, Pegasus for desk calendar, Mexican place nr UCB for dinner/margarita, Ben/Jerry big choc cone - too much! but I ate it to not waste. Boom!
 Rough sleep last night - dreams - about my marriage (to whom? Shelley?) and I was sposed to read responses, checked - paper w/passages not there - aha - person in charge had put them on roof of car, forgot, lost them - had I not checked it'd have been humiliating situation for me.
 Foggy morning.. now what?
 Do things today:
 Dates of Jazz Blues fest
 Photos of artwork for Will
 Online Will - list of Will stuff
 Fitzer/Doc appt for upper arm, viagra
 So actually, not much to do - maybe a Tilden stroll?
 Tidy cottage always good - but get out for walk, too!
 Maybe.. toss stuff from crowded shelves?
 Feels good, back to normal - fact that Mk bailed/blocked meant it was too much for her, too. She was not going to get what she wanted, rather than compromise she bailed. In my own way I also bailed - passive/aggressively leaned back, waiting for her to notice and chill. Sokay - people have flings, intense exchanges, then it's over, sometimes it hurts.
 Learning learning learning.
 Be today how I want for Xo/loved ones. Active, loving, excited, vivacious. Healthy.
 Happy days are here again.
 Looking back: Mk started ~Nov 3, immediate personal exchanges/sharing about Frida/Chrissie sexual/relationships stuff, her pushing/asking to talk on phone, I add to private fb page; sent Chrissie montages w/me (by way of Frida explanation/at Mk's request), she asks if I want nudes of her (Yes.), all in first week - wanting phone sex. Zooommmm!! No wonder if burned out fast. Too much for me. I should have said so? Or was it okay to assume it would slow down organically? Each situation is different - however - speaking up earlier is generally a good idea.
 I'm good. This life is good. No phoniness. Inheritance stuff done.
 Will & doc visit all's left.
 Sat Jan 6.18 nm II 9:36am
 "You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else"
 (Eman Hussein)
 The way I love Xo, Karen, Eric, Suzanne, Mom, Marge & john... Love myself that way - my love for my loved ones in not faultless, takes effort/energy  - my love for myself will not be perfect - love myself hard anyway.
 The self-loathing is in everyone - we all are born thinking we are gods - then it is beaten out of us and we are humiliated - trick is to give up childish egoism, but still see our self-value.
 I have valuable, I am lovable, I have valuable skills, I can learn, I am intelligent.
 Fri pm - work totally dead, bring clouded - work seems creepy/stressful - because I feel trapped, have not gotten over bitterness about working my whole life without retirement dream.
 Rockridge Bart, light steady rain - Stilton from shop, sushi boat for light meal/no sake (it can be done!); stroll in rain - 1.4miles, ~30mins. Good to clear head, eating good felt good - I thought: "If I want to feel good, eat good food."
 If I put work snacks, garbage in my body, to feed childish needs, to have what I think my peers/others had, I feed a selfish thoughtless emotional child = feel bad afterward. Eat good food, get what I want, prioritize good things, love myself; would I feed Xo garbage? No! I would buy her plane ticket so she could visit her cousins! I would feed her love and wholesome goodness!
 @hm, pass out early - after Stilton/bread snack - lv green deco light on all night - why? I don't know - because I love it.
 Dream: Somehow had gotten into van/short bus - with a few friends, a strange woman? Eventually I turn and see ~10 women - realize I have accidentally driven UBER bus to airport! Ask who is going to SFO - all raise hands - I say I am here by mistake but "Since I am a nice guy I will drive you all there." They take it well. After, in half-sleep, I contemplate driving bus to local police station to explain/take responsibility.
 Then I went outside, pissed on statue of Greek goddess in front of kitchen window - am I pissing on Dad's intelligence/worldview/knowledge of history? Or on women? On goddesses? Tradition? All?
 Was dream inspired by Mk relationship, saving women from cultural sexual oppression, encouraging them to love their bodies and pussies at all times - wet, messy, bloody - , embrace their sexuality/desires, have lots of happy free orgasms?
 Mk (see below) was taking up too much space. Feel sad, but lighter, more clear, less stressed.
 Getting a grip. New year, longer days, time passing getting used to Mom's absence, except in me, in my life, heart, mind, morals, personality. Mom is here in all but flesh.
 Value my job.
 Fri: Mom/Dad inheritance stuff - called Mony again (there was a computer glitch), mailed in NY/other paperwork. Supposedly I will get checks straight from them. But anticipate bullshit. MONY lost my first call's info (only $200 anyway). Beth or Anne were supposed to send two sets of forms, but I only got one from Anne. From other sibs reactions/texts there is the usual poor communication. Anticipate hiccups because it us humans involved. But eventually it will all sort out.
 Meantime, @ ~51, minus predictable expenses (WEF, Oregon, car, Jazz/Blues weekend) ~42. And extra 10 will kick it into sweet spot.
 Because I am blessed with fortunate rent situation I do feel obliged to help support trusted friends.
 It behooves one to eat well.
 Today: Laundry, groceries, photograph art for will. Slept in - chill - relax. It's my day off! :-)
 Yes. Thank you. be good today.
 Sat Jan 6.18 nm 9am
 Indian artist - we understood it's online and not gonna be in real world, but she kept slipping over - I did not follow - I held back so not to encourage her - but did not say enough? When I did bring up the wobbliness, she'd say she understood; and I/it seemed good for her, encouraging her to love her whole body, explore her sexuality - but.. 'friendship' part was hard to see...
 Fri morning she again complained that she'd seen I was online (which felt stalker-'ish), but not responding to her IMs (while I was chatting with other friends):
 me:  maybe we have to take a break - I can't keep explaining what's going on (referring to post-Mom lack of playfulness), and that I have less time
 you know this
 her:  Were u chatting with some one else
 me:  that is none of your business
 my friends are not your business
 nor are yours mine
 her:  Bye
 So she unfriended and blocked me.
 Mixture of relief/sadness - she's a really neat person, artist, teacher, soulful - sad the friendship did not survive, that I did not communicate my boundaries better (tho we did), but relief because I have other online and real-life friends I want to focus heart energy on, win or lose, fail or thrive - they deserved an honest time. Mk was feeling on life support, driven by her, by her needs - which I wanted to empower her to attain - but no. Post-mortem - what I could have done better.
 Biggest failure - I did not tell her early on, that another longer-term online friendship had recently become more serious, and needed attention. Instead I assumed Mk & I would cool off, not be able to keep up that level of intense sexual energy for a long time -
 - she sensed it. Yes. I could have said "There's another person - recently become more serious - and it's not fair to you and her, not myself to try to keep up both. So let us be friends."
 That would have been best. Why did I not do that? Because I was enjoying attention, flattery, banter, sexy photos/vids, sex talk...? Tried to keep them separate - but felt how one influenced other: same shared photos, drive and pace of one influencing other as I learned how to do online friendships. Okay. I am forgiven. I did my damndest not to do both because it was somehow good for my ego - I know that's garbage.
 Emotions matter. Words count. Sex is not separate from emotions.
 I owed her more honesty simply as a human being, out of common decency.
 Don't punish myself. Do better next time.
 It was hard to get a grasp on - because her 'stalker'ish' actions were balanced by her assurances -  but:
 her:  Were u chatting with some one else
 was clearly over the line
 me:  that is none of your business
 was the correct response - line in the sand - boundary.
 but - but - if I'd been more forthright in beginning, it needn't have got to that point.
 I think she over-reacted - but that goes to show what I know: It's her life/world/feelings, not mine to judge. I knew her well enough to say something earlier; but I wanted to let positive sexual stuff play out/cool off on its own - I gambled - when I didn't cool off, I got passive - when it still didn't, I got passive aggressive. Saw the opening. Played my aggressive card. Boom!
 And well - glad it's over.
 It is my way, the man way: back off till they get hysterical then say your hysteria is a drag.
 Learn. It made a mess, hurt her, and caused stress in my life. All I had to do, was tell her the truth. Hmp.
 Thu Jan 4.18 nm
 Indian artist upset about my quietness/withdrawn, nothing much I can do, more than I've done, I've explained about Mom (and Gil), been clear about her & I, I think, both of us, from beginning - hiccups, road bumps..
 But yes, unconsciously, I think it was too much along w/other more established internet friends, some flesh-based - so when pressure to chill/have mental space after Mom's death, more established ones got more attention. Makes sense.
 Reading History of Indian art.
 Looked through Spanish language pages from N. So many words! Go slow, easy, daily.
 Affirm, protect my boundaries. Speak honestly. Do it now. Do not place blame. Accept responsibility.
 Wed at wk, hit facepages hard - split AC/Cons into 2 pages each, dug deep into ADAPT (which is uncertain tight now), talked to team members face-to-face/online/IM, email, arrange for proofing, talked to John R (gay work friend). Good to re-engage, on my terms, getting control of my job. Fuck all the other nonsense. Make time to do my job, and otherwise have them leave me alone. Hahahahah.
 At work, sit on on TSG Outlook module. And others?
 Maybe what I learned from coast trips: a lot of my feeling overwhelmed is Mom & Gil's deaths making it harder to do job. No support from company. No respect.
 Cleaning out work desks/drawers is good, getting on top of things - so when I leave work, I leave it all behind. That means getting on top of CORE. Do the best I can. Always.
 Moderate quake ~2am - back to sleep after 30min, up ~6:30 - groceries after work last night.
 Getting back into groove - here we go.
 2017 is over, time to move on, regain happiness and equilibrium.
 Wed Jan 3.18 nm
 How much info do I owe to online flings? This is a good question.
 Indian artist threw herself in early and fast, I think therefore it burned itself out sooner? I don't know if it is general malaise about Mom, or burn out as we rushed, now it feels redundant - tho a cool phenomena - , or other friends who need attention/care. All of that. It's natural for things to cool off. I don't necessarily have to explain. It is not unfair.
 Then there's another longer-term, which needs more attention - and without realizing it I was pulling back to give more there. Do I need to explain that?
 Bit wooly from almost whole bottle of sake last night - 2 half bottles - Advil, bagel/butter, eggs Odwalla & cappuccino have helped.
 Got paperwork from Anne for Mom/Dad's $$ -  ~$10K - that will help get me back where I was headed before 2017 6K to Stacey, ~4K to K, 1K to Eric? Fills in for that, thanks M - time to redo budget at work.
 Lists and get through them.
 Practice CORE.
 Keep tossing out crap at work - and do what I can - maybe not Mgr/Prt photos. That was when we had dept head, some free time, a sense that we were paid attention to, that good work is recognized. Not anymore. Nada. We are cut off and ignored. When I asked about title change/compensation, I was told that'd be for new dept head - but there isn't gonna be one. hahahahah.
 Okay. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Tue Jan 2.18  9:22pm
 Just talked to Sooz who is recovering from surgery - good, deep convo - drank ~whole bottle sake during...  drinking water - will I be hung-over... ? a bit intoxicated... mild.. fumbly...
 ... anyway... organizing at work.. feeling more optimistic - tossing tons of crap...
 There - was - cannabis hits - phrase wanted to write...
 This is a tough time.
 I'll get through it. This is normal life stuff. No whining.
 If I need a bit extra time because of this stuff, don't be drama mama - some of these people may have suffered way worse tragedies and pain - death is a normal part of life - but this not to scold myself or deny my feelings/pain, but tacky to bring it up, except maybe obliquely, if necessary.
 This is a tough time.
 I'll get through it.
 I'm going to be okay.
 Oh so - Cherry Pie from Mendo - good pot - high.. thought I wasn't feeling it on coast - but I was just.. on coast...
 Life is sad... enjoy it while you got it...
 Mon Jan 1.2018 Bragg hotel 7:43
 7ft high tides ~9:30 - guess I'm trying for that.. leave ~9? Smoothie, shower pack out - sleep ~11-7 on and off - bit deepest sleep ever, but pretty good. Sitting sipping coffee.
 I had an optimistic thought a few minutes ago, now it's gone. New years kind of a drag - it is sold as an end, a farewell - okay - old acquaintance be forgot etc, 2017 lost best friend and Mom, so can't call it a good year - yet - context is good: friend, job etc - health - my photos used in GT rereleases/Supercalifragile - good reviews - online Frida-montage-related acquaintances/flirtation/friendships - supporting K&Xo - Xo visit in August.. Jazz/Blues fest w/Eric, Oregon vacation - if I add it all up it was a good year.
 2018, marker in the sand, less over-eating, opportunity for better sib relationships, almost certain to happen organically - deaths sober me up and face reality without losing sense of wonder/joy about life. Kindness and heart of Stacey to give me Gil's leather jacket, music on iPod, ashes, sheriff badge, etc. Kindness and example of Mom & Dad to take care of funeral/flights etc in advance. In both cases, their deaths were not as bad as could have been - their friends/family were nearby at end. Did not quite realize depth off losing Gil, till Mom died and he is not hear to tell. What is lesson? Be kinder, more giving, more generous of my time.
 Somehow organize work - then follow-through - do it! No more sitting there.
 No one will notice if I sit there stewing depresses demoralized unhappy.
 They will notice if I am trying hard, struggling, doing best I can - even if I fail - if it is too much for one person it will be visible. And I will feel better if I am trying.
 Turning 64 this year, realizing I will not retire ever - that is part of crisis.
 Aging - seeing illusion of having options fade - is part of life. (We all want to feel young forever.)
 Anything - any insights? No  -I know what I have to do - and I just have to do it. Get organized at work is a big one. Instability of no dept head, and solo on CORE training is fucking with me - do ask for support. And do my best. That is the only answer. It is not going to go away.
 New slide style/app changes: Practice practice practice. Organize desk. Get off Facebook. Yes. I can do that.
 I am a very lucky person. I am (trying to be) the best Robert Toren I know how. That is all that is required.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.