Oh, hey -

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 Sat Aug 17.18 nm
 Yep - old age hit me in face - working with peeps in 20s-30s kept me feeling young - knowing I'll be looking for work at 64, competing with folks who grew up with keyboarding/ technology, occasionally seeing my old puffy face in phone screen, is a version of reality I was avoiding.. pain and anxiety of life was always there, but we avoid it - now it's here - deal with it - we all have to - so no self-pity or whining. Death awaits - life is sad - enjoy what you can.
 And I feel good! Less energy, physically and mentally - yes - I blame it on work stress and speed-up, but I've never been super fast, I did all the x-tra wk stuff to make up for that - training, themes, video, photos, facepages, assisting at peoples' desks, attending events, photo support, weekly tips/tricks - which was good for dept and me, but did not make $$ I suppose? Bullshit - it made people 8aware* of us, so they utilized dept. Anyway, it was a good run. I was generous because that's me, I did not do it like a bank acct to get back later, same as K did not support me early on expecting later payback from me.
 K said a friend who'd helped her came back later demanding to get it back. Do not be that person. I'm fine.
 It is a beautiful morning, I slept well - nobody owes me anything - my friends gave me friendship, and I helped them financially because of that - K gave me much, including being godfather to xo - she owes me nothing in return, it was I who owed her support, and in the circumstances some support was financially. End of story.  Eric and I are friends. End of story. Don't equate friendship and love, with money - it's false equivalence.
 Slept well - good digestion - strawberry smoothie - stopped at Plough after work for beer/baseball. Sunny lovely morning with cool air. Perfect.
 Tom coming over to fix leaky toilet - I hope! Coffee & bagel @Nomad.
 Phone interview Monday for job intake in SF.
 Get everything else together - resume docs PDF'd & printed at work - lots of trainings - they love my training, and I still am thinking all the rave reviews will save me - but they'd have told me by now - so, no. Not how the system works. Aim high for the job I want - but likely it'll be temp work and ACA. Take what I can get and find happiness inside. It's all up to me.
 Yes. Thank you. Life is good.
 Might be good to lighten my load a bit - so if I have to make a quick move I don't have a truck load of plastic boxes of memories and a bunch of heavy art I think I need - lighten the load - so if I have to go somewhere, or move into a small space, I am travelling light. Fewer possessions good. I don't own them. They are not mine. They are not owed to me. I let go of *'s old posts, and realized I don't need them - same with high school cartoons - let it go - let go of the past.
 Be here now.
 Bathroom fix pushed back from Mon to Tues, to Sat 9:30, to 11:30.. pushed back any further, cancel, and look into a professional. I do not want to be in a situation where I am without a toilet for a week. No. Live with water on the floor a bit longer.
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 Thu Aug 16. 18 nm
 Procrastinating, not doing all I could - need samples - need them on a page - more work in LinkedIn.. WL emailed that job I applied for is closed, apply for more - show interest! That's most important - ask about Cobra, and ACA.. talk to someone. Dept peeps taking days off work - leaving no time to do job hunt at work - will Bain let me use an office to job hunt? Will Bain contacts do any good? When I don't think about it I feel good - watch for that - stressful but must be done. In my own way, the best I can. I am lazy sort of - but I did work hard at CEA, showed up every day - worked hard at Bain to lean ppt etc..
 I can do this!
 I will survive.
 Laundry last night - good to have done.. Bathroom Sat, Wheel at Nicasio Sun. Then? Maybe some time on severance & job hunting? Sigh.
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 Wed Aug 15,18 laundry 7:08pm
 Feeling better tho situation still dire relatively speaking - I have doubts about competing against fast young energetic people - morning guy called in sick, I dove unprepared prepared into 3hr 9am training - did okay entertainment-wise. Then h2 1-on-1 CORE in afternoon - then I was done for the day. Brain drain.
 Matt Piucci said Quercio observed Gil was never the same after being hit in the eye - sounds right. That happened before Gil moved into Taylor - so I got to know him best after the injury. Losing Gil may have changed me.
 Losing Scott to suicide. Gil to brain cancer. Mom suddenly. Lose job. Bam bam bam bam. I have managed at fast-paced multi-tasking Bain for 19 years, including good reviews for my training and support. I still halfway don't believe it will happen, but it will. Then what? Keep in touch with WL, temp agencies, LinkedIn. Ear to ground. Art sites. Will Bain offer any support? Doubtful - none of their business. When someone was let go from my dept, I was just glad it wasn't me; not my business.
 But at least the waking up weeping, crying out and panic attacks have stopped.
 What now?
 I can't job hunt 24/7 - take breaks, look at porn, read news, eat cookies, do laundry.
 It's going to be okay. I could die tonight. Do not worry about 10 years from now.
 Everyone is struggling - it's a gig economy - not that many full-time jobs with benefits if you can believe what you read online.. and not living wages, esp not for Bay Area.. be prepared to struggle with the rest of humanity.. shit, with all his $$, Gil worked a low-paying stressful warehouse job..
 Check in on Stacey Sat, after Tom's over to fix toilet? All the delays worry me a little -
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 Wed Aug 15.18 nm
 Sleep 10:30-4:30 - then - 6:30 alarm, woke from deep dream sleep: at work in old location, chatting about how hard this is with middle-aged white "Randy", takes me a while to recognize not R because R is black; then another young guy  'who are you?' '* depts of two each at offices," then a young pretty girl also going to take our place, One very old white guy - me? Withered skin. (old age is underlying fear in all this - and how they keep you employed) - earlier dream: imagined work email I have not responded to -
 Print info from WL about COBRA, also respond to 2 WL women, ask for info, details; I'm not 100% certain who is doing what, or if their activities overlap, is there anything else I'm supposed to do - is someone actively looking to place me - look at job postings. And look at ACA.
 Last night IM'd long snips from Oct 2015 IMs to *. Then will delete all.
Still working, training like nothing's changed - I fantasize that some people go to trainings to check my skills, considering hiring me - man's got to dream, comes with the territory.
 Tom sposed to fix toilet this morning.
 Sooz put Tues call to Thurs - Bowl for cheapest strawberries & bananas - art, music support, raspberries are for when a paycheck is coming in. Cutting back, no more restaurants, clothes from yard sales - walk, bike, public transit. Rice cooker. Oatmeal w/nuts/raisons etc. Double espresso - instead of fancier drink - save me $1/day. Easy adjustments. Lack of extravagance is fine - feels natural to child of Depression Babies.
 In 2 weeks, if I am job-free - use that time, relax, heal, rediscover myself, join online art groups, with tip jar.
 Anyway - feeling good, actually - past worst pain and fear - but watch for dark times. Perhaps increase my Excel skills.
 MMM - double espresso.
 Maybe don't worry - worrying doesn't help - action helps, and positive attitude. Don't worry about free time - it will likely fill itself - but beware of isolation, find activities. Community garden etc.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Breath deep. Be here now. Comfortable loose clothing. Good hygiene. Time in the garden. Time with friends.
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 Tue Aug 14.18 nm
 Have to go move car
 Buff said I can use their shower while tom working on tiles in my stall
 Today, collect more images, slides, montages as work examples.. job that involves scanning/basic-intermediate photoshop?
 Check WL site for jobs, and also send resume to LinkedIn companies
 Deleting more J pics/IMs from drives
 Sleeping well - dreaming - Scott glittery...
 Life is good - when I am old I may have enough.. not being rich does not mean I'm a failure.. <3
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 Mon Aug 13.18 II 6:52pm
 Just cleared out shelves, entryway to bathroom so Tom can fix leaky toilet tomorrow - at work, filled in movement form, sent resume to 2 people - I'm a bit confused, did they choose that work queue job or did I accidentally, thinking it was presentation/ppt? Whatever - say yes to everything, because if I say no, no severance - K thinks severance is more than unemployment? If I say yes, maybe I still don't get it - on form I chose a Presentation job instead of the workflow coordinator - pays probably crap - but I might be doing what I like, and have insurance - and even if I don't add to my savings, maybe I won't be digging into them either.. Rob at work got an interview for a place in Berkeley(!?!) through LinkedIn - Oakland or Berkeley might be cool.
 Anyway - spent Sat afternoon IM'ing w/* deleting lots of old stuff from computer - that's good, lots of time online after recent visit. Sun got out to Tilden - beautiful day - , $5 Peets mocha, $5 for 2 street tacos, 5pm neighborhood block party - good socializing! Yes. Met husband of moody girl who's dog hates me - we had a nice only very slightly awkward chat - as it had to be - after years of her pulling dog away from me - tho lately there's been pass byes without awkwardness - but perfect opportunity to meet, chat, see that's we're both okay. All that socializing did me a world of good. Keep that in mind. Socializing good! A beer or 2 helped. Stopped myself from having a 3rd after not finding an opener - but..
 Anyway - I did things I had to do at work! Sent in resume and movement form, collected some slides, cleansed them to use as samples. Cool. So much anxiety from procrastination - but - also understandable I was curled up on floor emotionally for a couple weeks. Getting better every day.
 Ask Buff/DJ about using their shower a few times while Tom is doing shower stall tiles. Also see if there's a shower at work.
 Very nice comments at work in email on my training. Very good to hear.
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 Mon Aug 13.18 nm
 Disaster!! ahh - okay - breath - no more panic.. positive action
 Do everything - no more procrastination - waiting causes anxiety - check every box, every bullet..
 Send resume to WL, fill in movement form and send to Darcy.. whatever they ask, do! Do it all is the right thing to do.
 Lovely hike in Tilden ~noon Sun w/PBJ, the low valley/hillside trail I haven't done for many years - nice - IM'ing a lot w/* all weekend - , small tacos in NorthBerk, and Peet's Mocha, then neighborhood block party - chatted with neighbors, people who walk their dogs and see me watering - next door neighbors, across street - cool! All young of course - how do they buy these houses??? Great day - took my mind off stress - 2 IPAs.. white bean/ham soup for dinner -
 Good weekend - going back to work is stressful - but let it go - take all necessary appropriate steps..
 Okay. Laundry tonight - clear out space for Tom to fix toilet and shower stall.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Sleep ~10-6..pretty good - dreaming.
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 Sun Aug 12.18 nm
 No need to go into every mood swing - etc - while dust settles - but getting better, more sleep, less upsets, more confidence - avoiding worrying about future -
 Tom came by to look at bathroom - leaky toilet, fallen shower stall tiles, met Buff & DJ, went okay - one last "Story isn't interesting" rudeness, but I was stretching a 1-or-2-sentence story (earthquake chimney through living room window) into a three minute drama with repeated lines - so yes - we'll work it out. I'll need to find shower options while he's doing shower stall. Kitchen sink?
 Lots of time in bed online afternoon - long chat - deleting all old photos and IMs. Aww, but okay. Purpose is past, no need to keep.
 Today make bullet list from emails and get on it, at work. Resume. Job forms. Etc. Who to use as references - buff/DJ - Randy - Taf?
 Tilden for stroll, fresh air - bring pbj.
 Morning.
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 Sat Aug 11.18 nm
 At work, I got to wear office clothes, black slacks, black shoes - I wandered halls looking down at print outs with a serious look (usually wiki or news articles) and pretend to be my Dad. It was an act - I never was - the act is over - I am just me. I am good enough. Not being my Dad has been a life-long pain issue, embarrassed to be me. Now just me - and my sibs. I'll be okay, if I let myself be myself.
 Slept okay - some pretty good deep sleep. Gonna tell WL not certain I am cut out for work flow - anyway, they won't hire me, so go for it. Say yes to every opportunity. I did some complex slides this week, cleanse them, copy - examples of my work. Yes. 4 slides per page. Also, some of my best photos and montages. Free website somewhere?
 Bed 10-8.. with waking periods, couple scared moments, but good comfortably deep dreaming times - after losing a job of 20yrs at 64, one is allowed to curl up in a ball for couple weeks.
 Tom coming over at 10 to look at bathroom fixings. Relax. Go deep - and relax.
 Feeling okay this morning - life still looks scary financially, as it does for most people - the poor you will always have with you - but getting past initial panic despair fear time I hope. Trailer park - get a trailer park consultant. I don't have $90K.. 10-20 going to taxes.. I have ~70, maybe 60. Get real. a health emergency will leave me bankrupt. Be real.
 ~1/2 through Joni Mitchell bio - pretty cool. Plenty of gossip mixed with music - they are related, in her songs.
 Ask for support when I need it. Eat food. Best go home soon and see if Tom is calling - left phone at home. He struggles, too - as we all do. He has fears, of future etc. , too. Be a team best we can. There is no longer any choice in matter. We have to be able to work together. Mary will be tougher, but it can be done.
 Clean working bathroom will be nice - put in a real lightbulb in, get a bucket, soap, scrubbrush, sponge - clean every inch. Get the cottage in order. Throw out some stuff - carefully - so I can move quickly if I must. Save a backup drive somewhere away from cottage in case of fire.
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 Fri Aug 10.18 nm
 Tom tentatively coming over tomorrow to look at bathroom leaky toilet/ moldy stall with fallen tiles - be good - watch my over-sensitivity - we have to be more accepting of each other, and that's on me, tool Thin skin won't work. All-business, we need as we get older to be able to rely on each other. Anticipating worst - as I did with recent dept head - did not work - she just gave up on me - having all defenses up does not work. Be myself. Let things pass. Practice makes perfect.
 Free music concert in afternoon - look for free entertainment that gets me out of house. Frozen, insulated not healthy. Get out and move! I feel the fear in my chest/torso wants to stay inside hide under covers safe and warm and never move.
 Added a bit to resume - look over again at work and re-upload to LinkedIn.
 Stressing about job WL wants me to apply for - work-flow coordinator? Not my thing (well, all I want it to keep current job, and have it be doable)! But I have to apply to get severance! So get out there and do it! If they hire me, it's because they think I can do it! Try! Say yes! to all opportunities! That worked in the past.
 I continue to note virtually no one my age at work, in SF streets, on BART. Oh. My age is in my face. My position becomes more clear. Oh.
 I could, in theory, living on my savings and unemployment benefits - maybe some temp work - for 7 months - there will probably be heavy competition for the temp jobs! Talk aside, economy is not good - not for lower/middle classes - and Bay Area expensive. It has always been thus. The poor you will always have with you.
 This morning, I stopped and noted backyard foliage/pebbled pathway, squirrel in neighbor's tree, sunny morning light, felt gratitude for Nomad wifi cafe around corner. My art, my friends. So much more. My health. I have much to be grateful for.
 Maybe once I am past this feeling of loss, grief, rejection from job loss - I will feel better and settle into normal life anxiety, because life is tough. It was not my job - I did not own it - I thought I was bullet-proof - indispensible - don't believe the hype. May have been partially true in the past, but not now obviously. I have no power. My skills are a bit outdated - even people with up-to-date high-end skills struggle to find good jobs.
 I will likely never have a full-time job with health benefits again. I will have Social Security, Medicare and whatever income I can make on the side. But who knows!?
 Don't be so sure. Who knows?
 I do not know. That's terrifying and also exciting.
 Okay - off to work.
 Reading Joni Mitchell bio - Reckless Daughter - fun studio stuff.
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 Thu Aug 9.18 nm
 No need to be embarrassed by my resume - do the best I can and all will be well. I knew this day could come - it is not illness! I knew - I told Eric, this has been a cool time, if I lose job or cottage I'm fucked - I am blessed, after rough first 43yrs barely getting by, to have last 20 with affordable rent, decent challenging job, getting to train - my dream night of DUI - enough to help friends. Would I have been better off keeping all the $$ to myself and investing the the sock market? No way to know -
 - bittern madness lay that way. It was a great blessing to me, helping a dear friend who'd helped me so much, stayed with me after night of the DUI where some people would have shunned me, and to help another dear friend who'd given me so much (job, cottage, love, friendship, wisdom, tolerance) to raise her child - my goddaughter.. I got more back than I gave out - so, no - not even experimentally - no value in going there. Another $50K would not make my life good right now.
 And then the day will come, when you add up the numbers. Useless.
 How do I see myself in a year?
 In cottage, on social security, working part-time/temp position to supplement retirement, on Medicare. Having sound ways - guitar, books, walking, groups?, free music events, gardening, drawing, photography - to fill my time. Putting my work online to sell. Fridas in a gallery - on note cards? Sell the car? Learning strategies to live cheap. Maybe accepting cash gifts from friends?
 And if cottage falls apart - looking for angel landlord, shared housing, trailer park - surviving - getting back to family somehow? Shared history.
 A year from now. I see myself alive and surviving. Am I happy now? I have not been happy at work for years - badly run department. But I did like the work! And I have been worried about 'the future' forever - it's just, it's hear now, minor crisis - and emotional knock make sit more difficult to deal with the change.
 Keep positive attitude - I need to get things done; it'll be easier if I see this as a challenge - as all life is a challenge - to be dealt with.
 Do the best I can. Curling up into a ball is understandable, no one expects me to be superman - just do the best I can.
 I am doing the  best I can.
 Did quick resume last night - nothing fancy, just the facts - that's all I need for now.
 The event has suddenly made me aware, I am the oldest person at work - but more, in the streets, walking to and from work, there are no people my age. Oh. Life is not fair - people prefer to work with young good-looking people - me, too, if I am honest - I get it - especially in business environment. I feel younger, but now - me & Eric are old men. We need less. No need to be cool any more. No need to Mendocino trips and photos on fb. Retirement time maybe. Relaxing and getting by with no need o care what anyone else thinks of me. I had my time of being cool - Game Theory, viral Frida with gun - that was great - a blessing to be able to look back on, but it is not part of old age.
 Sudden shift in perspective, along with job loss - it's very personal, and adds to vulnerability -
 Look at it honestly - no time for illusions. Old age strips away illusions. Kiss them gently, say good-bye - live and do what I want. I like playing music. Guitar.
 I put simple resume on fb, and asked K if she had time to edit.
 * said I was a *f, and that's why she let me know & stood in shower.
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 Mon Aug 6.18 nm
 Still hoping against hope mommy, god, superman will come save me - but no - took years to get where I was pay-wise - partially based on training and simple 20years of accrued annual 1.5% increase I got for showing up - I will probably start ~$16hr or something, if that! SO has to be local.. not PA..
 Few pieces of sushi for energy for morning training, and maybe afternoon as well? Dallas head will be in today, with new design person to get acclimated - it's a little awkward, some of us having to pretend our lives have no suddenly been drastically altered; but this is USA 2018, this is why Trump got elected, there's no jobs - lower/middle classes are fucked, 1% gets 99%.. no infrastructure rebuilding to get $$ into the system, no universal healthcare.. poor/elderly go to churches for food, toiletries, families in poverty way worse off than myself.. it's a depressing picture.. yes, losing a job can mean a major drop off in lifestyle.. a great resume does not guarantee anything - don't stress about it so much, contacts/networking more likely to be more help -
 Sigh.. but do one - and send it out - do all you can, hit the bullets, check the boxes - they'll do anything they can to keep from giving you $$, so you have to get it right, be prepared for pushback.. I did sleep some tho  .. and it was good to see * and have hours together.. cheered me up..
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 Sun Aug 5.18 bed 8:35pm
 It's a mean old world - anything can happen to anyone. It's good to be prepared.
 That's prepared - in all ways. Mentally, spiritually, networking, savings, health - as best one can. But it's a mean old world, and everyone has fear.
 I'm giving myself today - Sat did errands, got cottage ready, started resume, laundry, saw I have to save money, but also eat right -
 Today visit w/*, good hours, talking - Rockridge for a burrito to go - found two web sites with sample Presentation resumes, simple - I am not vastly skilled - keep it simple - if they're interested then interview. Finished resume by mid-week to Karen? Then on LinkedIn end of week? Start sending it out. Apply for jobs via WL - so if they can't find me anything get severance? Maybe 2-3 months? No idea. Then if nothing, unemployment - job training? I can probably live for a while on Social Security - eat cheap, walk, library - old folks center.. who knows? Don't worry about that now - pointless - nothing to be done - focus on immediate needs, resume, job search - and getting COBRA Health Coverage through March 2019.
 It's a challenge - life is a challenge - give it to God and keep forward... count my many blessings - spend time today with a loved one.. I am blessed..
 Giving myself this day, after visit, to enjoy afterglow of visit.. worry tomorrow - today, tonight, read, relax,.. I don't have to give my entire life over to stressing about this - relax and enjoy now and then or I'll despair and not function well - need relaxation to function..
 Had a good salad tonight - keep it up..
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 Sun Aug 5.18 nm
 Slept reasonably well - 10pm-8 with the usual wake/sleep times.. everyone has to learn to live with their fears - listen to them, talk with them, engage, and be reasonable -
 Showered, shaved, sticking to my usual routine - breakfast bagel at nm
 Start editing resume notes.. way too wordy.. apps I know count for more than activities - 20 years at Bain says a lot.. I am reliable.. I have a personality.. yes? So did Taf & Chiboss - and so did temps WL sent us! I am not being punished - I keep looking back and wishing I'd been easier to work with, but other dept Chi/SF members have less 'personality' than I, and they're out along with me - so it is not that at all! Being lovable/likable does not get you a job. It's will you show up, learn and work hard, I will. That's 90% of it.
 8 months till Medicare, then I can get a physical/blood work etc. Or try to get it now?
 Bringing everyone into my backup - now primary(?) - fb page. Gonna delete fb nudes page - too risky since both my profiles are admin.
 Tense - anxious - like everyone! And not nearly as much as most - it's not death - I have resources - accept this challenge and nail it best I can. It's a challenge which could become a blessing. Take it. No self-pity! Think positive.
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 Sat Aug 4.18 II 5:47 laundry
 Long IM w/K about movie being made with Xo in lead - cool outfits and all! Long nap - groggy all day, napped for - hour? helped.
 Last night some very real sex dreams - casual hippie girl, clothes on off, usual Robert sex then not just looking, clear touching close-up viewing of pussy labia etc - mostly looking - Adrienne Chapm said I was a voyeur - maybe I am! Into nudity more than sex, it's true. So was the nude photography my sex limit? My sex?
 Posted 'naughty' retro photo to d80s fb - banned for 30 days - fuck. Fortunately, I set backup page so I can post to banned page - so put a note there, and invited ~20? friends to backup page - so that's good, because a.) I'll need the networking and support and b.) I'll need to be on fb less.
 Considered that in last year or so I lost best friend to cancer, Mom to sudden stroke, job got extremely stressful, new boss, more work, huge changes, then job of 20yrs gone - well, maybe it'll work out that I get a month off - that might not be the worst thing in the world, long as I do get a job eventually! I'm okay I think, but emotionally rocked by job loss - that whole sense of self based on job, etc. "What do you do?" We are our job.
 ~12:30 farm mkt, didn't get anything - cheaper at store - sorry, support for organic farms is for when I'm feeling flush - bank for quarters, because I like them, BBB for berries, eggs, salads ($5 each - I can do that), soup - because whatever else I cut out - road trips, restaurants, Mexican clothes, books from Amazon - I should not cut back on food - I need to eat, for physical as well as emotional reasons!! I know, that if I don't eat, it fucks with me a lot. Eat.
 Chopped front orange flower heap - it is taking over and maybe annoying people - brought it down all around, into sidewalk patch - had some Vietnamese rice catfish soup, but no real hearty dinner.. hmm - almost 10pm, too late now? Make bed, long hot shower..
 Sat in back yard and started resume - it is hard - so wordy - look at Buff's resume book - send to K for major edit - she's a pro, swallow pride - let her tear it up..
 Okay so - good day, started w/not enough sleep, Nomad, water yard, chop back thorny blackberry 'vines', farm mkt, bank, Bowl, nap, facebook kicked me off for 30 days, but got it fixed up, laundry, resume - connecting with people, including Bainees on LinkedIn - La Bobby says do Monster & some other site, too.. almost 10 - 1/2 sleeping pill - eat good breakfast at Nomad.. visitor ~noon?
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 Sat Aug 4.18 nm
 Sleep ~10, then up & down all night.. urgh - upset/worried about healthcare.. at least $1K/mo for catastrophic? If you have nothing, and have a health emergency etc - then bankruptcy/poverty looms - all this is part of the USA capitalist system.. so, necessary - assuming I do not get new job in next 4 weeks - safe assumption - I'll need to carry myself ~7 months - $7K - but have to do it, not getting health coverage when I can afford it would be irresponsible - talk to WL about COBRA.. damn.. so many fears - in the USA (anywhere?), without money, without a job, one is nothing..
 Throughout the night I kept telling myself - I'm a good person, I'm a good person - losing one's job does not make one a bad person, I am not being punished, I did nothing wrong... it was a business decision...
 Do not expect, or ask, or hope a friend, or contact or someone at work will help me find a job - does not work that way - I have to do it myself - exhaust every resource - will not be handed to me on a platter - Kate came to me years ago, asked me help Joe find a job - there was nothing I could do - she was desperate -
 VPs don't make the decisions, HR and other's do.. gotta do it myself - first thing is resume - start it today.
 Okay - I am hungry - that does not help my mood - eat eat eat! Home now for pbj, or salad - then laundry - or farm mkt? Gardening. Apply for jobs on WL site all week.
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 Fri Aug 3.18 backyard 7:11pm
 wtf I am feeling okay.. end of first week back, survived? TGIF? Some decent sleep finally from sleeping pill? - asking us to train every day till end of Aug, so that means we'll be here, which settles timeframe - far as it can be - had a good fun training with 2 guys this morning - chatted with Rob work friend, we similar right-brain visual, no good at the admin stuff - talked about how have not been happy here last year or two, how we got half-staffed but still open 19hrs, sposed to take all incoming, but too many irons, I told dept guy I was burning out, feeling overwhelmed - no time to do facepages, or work on better training etc - areas where I stood out - and then deaths, Gil..
 ~1 year ago, while feeling overwhelmed,  whole new CORE update with attendant re-training and admin stuff laid on us.. it was too much, my brain was too stuffed - they know globally GFX if a bit overwhelmed - they need people who can do complex admin, left-brain stuff as well as design - not me.. can I just get a job where I do PowerPoint, bit of photoshop & excel? Anyway work friend said he applied for ~100 jobs and it took ~1.5 years to get one - so, WL could be the place where I apply for my monthly jobs to get unemployment benefits? If that even happens.. and if I got 2-3 severance checks after 1yr at Goldman Sachs, how much will I get after 19years at Bain? That only kicks in if I leave WL - long as I'm hooked up and looking, it's be unemployment. Food stamp? Food bank? EBay? Online - a few extra bucks/month can keep me fed, and I'll learn how to do it. And try to leave savings alone.
 Meantime, get resume on LinkedIn, include some of my viral photoshopped images, resume is key. I have to do it - that's all - look at some on LinkedIn, read Damned Fine Resumes book Buff gave me, do it -just do it - it'll make me unhappy till I do. But give it time.. search in WL - but anticipate it could take time. Somehow, that helped - something will come along eventually - maybe Bain will realize error of its way, hire me back. haha - I don't think so.
 Neighbors left out a cool metal/wood sort of half-three-shelved thing Buff & DJ said it should be indoors - I guess - but too cool! Beautiful! I decided if it was out when I got home I was gonna snag it - it was and I did.
 It feels good to feel good again. I have ~$85K, I got some sleep, I'll make a resume, connecting with people on LinkedIn, keep an eye on WL listings, apply - look into how to apply for unemployment - what info do I need? If I'm still hooked to WL does that affect unemployment. If I'm still hooked to WL, do I get severance, or is that after disconnect. I don't want to lose 20yr WL connection. It is high-value. If I turn down a comparable job then no severance. So you know they'll try to fuck me. So they will try to get me a 'comparable' job.. hmmm. Either way - it is likely not going to be easy or smooth. Count on having to hustle and scramble. Comparable, could be night shift in Silicon Valley - well, play card I'm dealt. Hope my rep at Bain counts for something.
 I have a marketable skill, 20yrs showing up every day, recommendations from Bainees (I hope), good credit, and no bad habits or anything that'll show up on a blood test, and a network of friends wishing me well. And I'm a good housemate. Remember when I applied to live in the co-op with Karen/Sooz, they said the people they called as recommendations loved me. I am loved.
 So important now and ever.
 Karen sending a bunch of photos of Xo dressed as model, for movie - beautiful and cool. Love.
 I feel good. Nice. In the moment. Breath. Be here now.
 I don't think I'm entirely rationalizing? Karen noted it as well - I have not been happy this last year or so at Bain, burned out, overwhelmed - under-appreciated - etc - burned-out... it's no longer a good match with all the admin stuff and no-stop zero defect efficiency stuff - I'm right-brain. Not a good match anymore. Let me make slides, do powerpoint, and train, and leave me alone. Hmm. Okay. Is there a better place for me out there - that's the question.
+++++
 Fri Aug 3.18 nm
 Tried 1/2 sleeping pill last night - one from doc - seemed to help? Solid sleep ~10-3.. on-off past - still upset, less stomach tension, weepiness.. slowly getting past initial shock, suppressed panic..
 Expectation at work have gotten higher in last year, more professionalism, perfection, skills, speed - so, yeah - maybe B doesn't work for me anymore? No longer a good match. It was a bit loosey-goosey fun, think outside box - while still working hard - so, makes sense what's going on.
 What's next. Sushi now, w/espresso, for morning training energy. We continue to come in and dedicate energy to make things work - that speaks well of us.. God will not give me anything I can't handle. Remember AA. Give it to God.
 I am not drinking, smoking, or any other self-destructive behavior - fearful "is this really worth it?" thoughts have subsided.. verbal support from friends is helpful, knowing they're there, wishing me well.. working on getting good sleep, keeping busy in yard etc..
+++++
 Thu Aug 2.18 backyard 8:15pm
 How about let's stay positive here asap - no sense blubbing past its due date.
 A job is a job is a job.
+++++
 Thu Aug 2.18 nm
 Sleeping ~10:30-2, then spotty at best.. emotional at work.. suck it up, got to keep emotional upset @home, not show it at work. Bad scene that at this time it fels like a hostile relationship with dept head - but since I just got good review, maybe personal stuff is left behind when it comes to job hunt support.
 Chopping back sidewalk vine takeover last night, Buff comes out - says he & DJ want to keep things as they are, feels like family (say we both), will renegotiate rent if necessary - that's long-term; even if it never gets to that, them saying that says a lot - huge help - fear I'm feeling is not good for my mental health, fucking with me - should I get valium prescription!? - anyway, thank you. Gave me 'how to write a damn fine resume'.
 Downtown, deposit $4,700 fb/gt check, $300 cash, book store, gelato.. mideast salad at home ~8:45.. feels good to have cash in pocket.. I will be okay..
 Reading Leonard's Riding The Rap..
 Much as possible, do my normal life.. routine is handy, but also numbing..
 If I wind up with down time, explore ebay, and other sites to sell my work.. one never knows where this might lead, momentum, contacts, information, etc.. learn learn learn.. my life does not end when I have no job.. one door closes, another opens..
 But yes, it is scary.. as is Sooz's health, as is K's losing house, as is Xoxo's life, as is everyone's - life is scary.. find ways to keep enjoying it anyway - do not succumb to fear and paralysis, darkness.. beware of darkness.. keep looking up!
+++++
 Wed Aug 1.18 nm
 Spending less - enjoyed an article about low unemployment rate, even tho wages low - I can do low wage till March then add ss. Maybe. This would be time to buy a trailer and put it in a trailer park.
 Felt better yesterday sometimes, weepy others, ups/down normal - fears for future - life is scary/cruel - days getting shorter/colder - turned heater up a notch, pulled out 2nd/Frida quilt - how to deal with avoided fears now youth gone, have to face it - but, also felt, things can be bad/sad, one can still enjoy life and be happy! Look at Karen with what a mess but she still does what she wants, enjoys activities, friends, talk etc - Mom, others with dead spouses etc, still fine things to enjoy - calls from children.. music, TV shows, books.. fill the time..
 Yes, slept 10-2am, then on-off? Some fears, crying out  - augh! - etc - letting myself fell it - not tearful crying like around divorce, breath, be here now - the present is quite nice, yes - comfy bed, familiar surroundings, worrying about things that may never happen is common, accomplishes nothing.. I'll be okay.. I will adjust to whatever comes.. I can lose laptop phone etc, art and old drawings from high school, songs from early 20s, and that'll be fine - I'll manage.. no great loss - when do I ever view them?
 I'm going to be okay - as much as I like about my life right now - it is not so great, I am very vulnerable - no fallback - job loss is a big deal, but I'll be okay..
 It's going to be okay.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Looked forward to talking to Sooz - good to see her, chat - friends, yes - found a $5 bill on the street by work - good omen - I'll take it - and she had health, yellow jacket, new cement at house taking weeks instead of days problems - good to hear other people's problems, take mind off mine - we all have our problems - K was essentially homeless because of E, home was her retirement, now gone - so.. see? we'll be okay - we will support each other best we can -
 Love live. Enjoy.
 First falafel plate lunch in a while Mon  - tasted so good! Made me feel great! Health! and last night very sexy dream w/2 girls, innocent team stuff, somehow in bed,  me taking lots of phone pics of our various entwined body parts, shocked to see my large penis, how did pants come off? No sexual touching, just rolling around playfully - something - my Catholic sex without sex.. damn it :-D
+++++
 Tue July 31.18 nm
 Worry worry - got some sleep, but not lots? Esp what to do if we lose house/cottage - far as I know Biff/DJ, and most people for that matter, are in same boat - lose house - fucked - friends, couch surf, car, vehicle - just saw article about 46% increase in vehicle living - gahh! Be here now - don't worry - gahhh!
 Invited bunch of people to LinkedIn account, including Taf - because personalities aside, he always gave me great reviews - and I organized his goodbye party..
 Resume comes first - put it on LinkedIn, send that (Karen's advise) - she'll help me with résumé - Pheww - cool.
 We are all vulnerable - we keep busy, fill our days with pop culture to distract, then shit happens, you are reminded, but I am only as vulnerable as I've always been - I have assets - 19yrs at Bain is a huge asset. Sigh,, okay.. good... breath.. do my job.. take all available steps toward finding a new one..
 Shave of my white goatee. Add some color to hair? Won't hide my dropping face :-D
 Clear off personal stuff from work computer, send anything I want to keep to DropBox.
+++++
 Mon July 30.18 home bed 8:35
 Went to work not knowing what to expect, but fearing worst - card in doesn't work, cardboard box, marched to door - hard exit - instead, all looks normal - didn't sleep well from stress, had morning training, lunch, afternoon module, then 1hr with CSS person.. yikes - I was toast, but got through it all okay, I think.. didn't cry or get emotional.. but was feeling a bit.. whatever you call it.. knowing what was up.. tight? Distracted.,. yes, a bit distracted, naturally
 Anyway, big relief,, some normalcy.. a slow let go.. time to look at other options.. no one knows, announcement mid-month.. had a chance to chat a bit with EOD work friend, t not much.. he also surprised about them keeping us around, not cardboard box/get out.. weird.. it gives me false hope that someone is trying to keep us.. a nice dream... a fairy tale It's A Wonderful Life Ending..
 My thought is.. WL doesn't pay that well - and even if they did it would not solve retirement dilemma.. I have been burning out this last year, with dept head departures, half-staffed dept still open 19hrs, no transparency/news from headquarters, pressure to get to e.g., facepages, the pressure to spend less time on them, training 5 different companies but no response to request to discuss compensation, new temps to train who leave, etc etc - plus Gil & Mom dying - burning out, overwhelmed - then new CORE training, training to be better trainers, tons of admin stuff - and like, yeah? and in what 48hr day does all this happen - sounds like European hub is booked full-time, they are working GFX hard! Probably same in Dallas -
 I'm 65, I'm burning out, in new system everyone has to be able to do everything, not farming out work according to capabilities, inclinations, etc.. maybe they need younger more energetic less burned-out employees - maybe it's time to look for easier work with less pay - if I am less generous, more careful with my $$ I could be fine, and no worse off re fantasy retirement plans.. haha - maybe this is a good thing - not losing job, but losing this intensely high-pressure job..
 Think it through - maybe say no to job in Silicon Valley, 4hr daily commute - maybe no to night work.. 9-5 desk job doing powerpoint, photoshop, training - does such a thing exist? Dream just a dream.. but it doesn't have to be awful either..
 Anyway.. okay - let mind unwind..
 Relieved about work being normal for now.. stopped at Plough for shepherd's pie, IPA & baseball game, and felt pretty good for a while - took mind off trouble and celebrated return to work.. sky not falling... but it all seems unreal, and at some point need to get on it - this week now - résumé - a page of work to send to clients? On angrylambie? Online resume_ hmm_ no angrylambie haha
+++++
 Mon July 30.18 7:48am
 Today's day - either work will be like it was when I left, I'll sign in, train this morning & afternoon - or dept will be empty, or part empty - I'll clear out my desk and be walked out, not allowed to take any files from my work computer - no great losses I think? I'd like to have that Budget Excel file - but eh!
 Breath. Think  positive. Be here now. I did a brief moderate blub in bed and shower - get it out - feel it - face music like an adult - accept it is out of my hands - they may allow me to use a room to work on resume job hunt? But WL no longer has office in SF. How much support will I/we get? How much severance if necessary? Should get some answers.
 Feeling okay - a bit anxious of course - don't think more than a few months in advance; and this morning, stay present.
 Be here now.
 Yes. Thank you. be good today. At the end of the day I'll look back and say, today was a good day. Start the day positive. Eric says everyone is rooting for me. Thanks, I needed that. :-)
+++++
 Sun July 29.18 bed 9pm
 Slept in, Nomad, laundry. groceries - cool - lunch: finished vacation processed turkey sandwich crackers - showered off  Sat travel funk - lv ~3 for Nicasio Subdudes - full house, great crowd, parked far away - arrived at first song - fun! Music was perfect for day - sunny, then cool - danced, watched.. 2 drinks+water, salmon BBQ - guy let me pick my piece "That one has my name on it!" Live videoed 90sec - that was fun. Usually leave when they go into crowd for acoustic scene - this time followed them in, right tight behind bassist, wound up being the 5th person in the circle - mood I was in, soulful, needing music, I fit/felt fine - stayed for 2-3 songs then split - but very cool - I'll be in some videos :-D
 In shower, started thinking about resume, what to do about job hunting - that felt like a good sign - coming out of shock/grief - taking action - sure I'm afraid, be afraid and do it anyway - millions have been in my situation - just do it. I am imperfect - admit it and promise to do my best. And what will I find at work tomorrow? What will happen 5 minutes from now? No one knows. Deal with what life gives you.
 On way home stop at WF for forgotten eggs, Mexican Tortilla soup - had that w/bread for dinner - yummy! Alarm 7:15 - shower smoothie, straight to work.. Good day.
 So nice to be home, with all comforts & things I love.
 Maybe delete some vacation multi-blogs days - save the separately - lot of redundant crazed processing -
 Gave Parri sake, and sake jar - found cups today under seat, asked for address to send - stomach feeling better - it was not my fault - maybe will sleep well tonight, because I am friendly, loving, generous, cool, love music and art, Rancho Nicasio BBQ events are wonderful - and some of the staff 'know' me, Eric & I talked about how stupid 'best friend' concept it - we discussed possibility of doing Sept Jazz weekend without hotel; same w/Blues next year - if there's even anyone left alive we'd want to see - mentioned possibility of just hanging for 2 days during winter - might be fun :-)
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Life is good. Be a good person. Perfection is not the goal. Love is maybe.
+++++
 Sun July 29.18 laundry 1:20
 Note: queasy stomach, maybe related to feeling somehow being let go is "my fault" - even tho there's no connection I know of - thinking about all my unhappy bitching this last year or two - quarreling with teammate /new dept head - but - we were all unhappy, and complaining - and everyone had trouble adjusting to new dept head - so, likely it's nothing to worry about - and if it's brought up, take responsibility, promise to do better - explain? If requested, but do not pass blame.
 Sitting around relaxing at home sounded good - watered front & back - but getting laundry done, groceries in also appealing - lv ~3 for BBQ.. then relax this evening.. shave white chin hair, trim hair.. dress nice - show I can be a pro.
 Work on resume.. improve ppt skills (as opposed to Toolbox) and also MS Office charts. No value in worrying about 10-20yrs into future.. appreciate all I have now, including esp DJ/Buff & long-term cottage.. but try to prepare for hard times..
+++++
 Sun July 29.18 nm
 Good to be home.. beautiful, yard looks great - tidied everything before leaving, worth it, dishes clean stashed, bed clean/tidy.. garden watered.. nice..
 Sat smoothie w/no eggs and processed turnkey crackers breakfast - lv Arcata 8 ~9:40.. easy drive and parking in Arcata, 2 blocks to center plaza, see Parri on bench looking for me - loud music & farmer market - catch up, I did a lot of the talking because of job news, but fun conversation about many topics.. we took selfies but neither of us like how we're looking on 64... but we still see each other at 19 - so that's nice, too.
 Lv ~noon - a few brief stops.. I forget.. gas up somewhere - Laytonville lunch stop sandwich/chips/apple - checking in w/Eric, mentioned fires in Ukiah/Hopland - see/ photograph them from ~30 miles north - no affect on traffic - easy traffic almost all day - SR ~4:30, Osake, Kobe beef, sushies, ginger/choc desert - yum! Weary - Lv ~7:30 - home close to 9 after Richmond bridge slowness..
 Good comfort seeing colored lights in big bush - front yard flowers & tomatoes etc.. also nice to see $5K check from FB/GT - nice to come home to free money :-D.. Buff stops in, had fixed noisy toilet - I don't unpack, dump everything.. into bed ~10.. nice.. stay in bed till ~9:30.. did not realize how being getting job news away from home/familiar places/people/memories/distractions, made it more frightening.. life felt more lonely.. ah, well..
 Good good good - good to drive home in 2 days - Fri drive ~9hes Oside to Arcata - Sat Arcata to Santa Rosa to home - see Parri, Eric, Buff.. known Parri for 45years, Eric for 38, Buff for 20.. myself for 64.. I feel connected to Berkeley, ground zero, this neighborhood... south Berkeley, North Oakland..
 Tomorrow may be very weird scene at work - don't know what to expect.. be prepared for anything.. I will go in prepared to do morning & afternoon CORE trainings, but for all I know computer will be locked, a teammate may have already split, I may be asked to box belongings and get out.. be prepared for anything.. harsh..
 I think vast majority of people around world are like me, or far worse off - vulnerable, one paycheck away from disaster, a job-loss away from disaster - this is not disaster.. I have home, savings, car, friends, network - people who know I'm a good, generous person, know me through Buff/DJ the gardening, word-of-mouth - not that all can or would help, but it only takes one or two who have opportunity to help and lend a hand.. takes a village - landlord seems open to letting us stay, long-term tenants - Tom will help fix up cottage - in 8 months I can apply for Medicare..
 Good to be home, in own bed.. took Eric out to Osake.. $170 for Kobe beef etc - I said "As a vote of confidence that WL will get me another job.".. yes!
 11:30 now - let's do laundry - then Nicasio BBQ w/that New Orleans combo, Subdudes - always fun.. enjoy my last day before whatever's going on at work.. one last day to dream it's all an illusion, and Bain will hire us all right back.. haha.

+++++
 Fri July 27.18 Arcata Super 8 pm
 Hotels booked full of Redding fire refugees - good thing I booked last room! Smoking room, 2nd floor - smells strongly of smoke! Yuck!
 Left Oside ~8:30? - Starbucks in Newport - Coos Bay for Bento box, other stops along way - spouting overlook - long 8hrs.. Gil's iPod helped, unknown to me Bowie's The Last Day - weird and cool - start feeling empty and life is ugly, short, cruel -
 Going through 5 stages of grief about losing job? : denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, not necessarily in that order - today considering not working a full-time job any more at all, fearing free time because then you are alone with yourself - work as a distraction - wondering can I survive/be happy without a job, like Sooz seems to be - with her yard - getting used to making your own schedule - also, remembered how after getting dropped by Goldman Sachs, it took a few weeks, months then they found me the spot at Bain.. could happen again - maybe there is not a rush to take first position offered? Don't panic and take something I'll hate?
 And don't forget I'm going through an emotional upset - how I feel today or tomorrow is not how I'll feel in a week, or a month.
 Mostly light traffic - and maybe no pot is good for my head? Good - sitting still after 8hrs+ on road is good. Meet Parri 10am tomorrow, lv Arcata ~1? SR ~5:30.
 Being less generous, with Xo/K/Eric, fewer expensive meals/gifts, will save me lots (tho I've already cut way back after Dad & Mom's gift And make note - most of that $$ was from Dad, and maybe Ralph). Thanks, Dad.
 Another thought - if I have no job immediately after Aug 30 - take a week vacation to Gold Beach. Yes. Clear my head and see how the world looks.
 Get a better laptop, improve my Phsop, Word, InDesign (?) skills, look for part-time work? I suspect that's unrealistic - to compete with kids who are sharp at those skills - and to think I'll actually be motivated & disciplined enough to follow through.. come on - I know myself that well. But I could take a class? And to think someone would hire me full-time with benefits. This is not the dot-com job market. But I do have 2 decades of powerpoint w/Photoshop - we'll see what's available. Wait and see if something shows up in Oakland? Or Bain decides they miss me - haha (denial).
 So long as the cottage stays available - I might just make it. Otherwise, have to go die of heatstroke in Arizona. Or freeze to death in West Virginia. I don't know if this all matters, if it's really doing any good, making lasting change in my world view - but it is sort of interesting to see my mind think/process all this through. It is not totally bullshit.. I see limits most people have so far as controlling stuff in their lives - for most of us, virtually none. And I see that most people who have a lot, have worked hard for it. They may have had advantages - but still worked hard. And Karen notes my advantages: college educated white male. Yes, that's an advantage.
 Thought that flittered is: I have been working on-and-of, or going to college, or looking for work since I was ~21.. 2yrs bagels in Ann Arbor & Berkeley, 4 years of college, 14years at Big Shot, 1.5 years at CEA (computer arts), 20 years w/WL, 19 at Bain.. 2+14+20 = 36years of work.. ~5 years of post high school learning.. I'm almost 65 - is it worth seriously considering not working, living at poverty level, doing best I can to make ends meet? Huge risk! Huge change in outlook. Prob have to get rid of car, no more travel, etc. But I've done all that? Am I done, done being cool, and pop culture, and ready for gardening and library etc?
+++++
 Fri July 27.18 Oside 7:44am
 Anticipation of returning to work, facing harsh reality of no-job head-on - anxious - but from morning fogged-in coast, about to leave cottage, roar of ocean close - still seems unreal. With an effort , slept well I think - breathing sleep in-out, a plan in place, kept thoughts clear of future-worrying; certainty helps - a hotel chosen, a friend to visit Sat morning and afternoon - Parri & Eric - two old friends. Woke ~6:30, snooze, wank, up at 7, finish packing, dishes in cupboards/drawers - move stuff to car - smoothie w/laptop daily comics, news, etc - 8 hours drive to Arcata today but can do casual, no worries about finding a hotel w/vacancies -
 At home should be check from fb/GT, V from India, who knows what else.. at work a happy scene like end of It's A Wonderful Life w/several job offers fit to my skills, set my own hours, easy street from here on in haha. Something will happen.
 Okay - idiot checks. Trip down Netarts Peninsula same time as down 101.. so.. here I go - lunch on Coos bay in ~4hours - anxious about work and life, but I think it's been worse, stressing about work, or Gil.. Mom died in November, but that is not so much on my mind, except that fantasy escape back to 'home' no longer available as I deal with life going forward - it is on me, finally.
+++++
 Thurs pm 8:13
 Drove 2miles north to Meares Pt -,  beautiful heavy mist, dripping firs, visit octopus tree, down to lighthouse with views of Oside beaches offshore sisters - knee(s) slowing me down - no more jumping off anything - Mexican leftover tostada was yummy - shower, start packing - figure leave ~8 - 4hrs to sushi lunch in Coos -
 Checked in w/Parri, Sat  morning is good - booked hotel nr Arcata - ~8hrs - leaving at 8am, with stops arrive 6 or 7 - that's fine.. I told her about job, might affect my mood/sleep etc - then IM'd Eric, dinner at his place between 5-6..
 Friends - precious as gold when times are tough.. I may never have a 9-5 job with health benefits again.. but! - 14 years (1982-1997) Big Shot where I got film, photo paper, Game Theory rehearsal space - then computer arts school - just luck to run into that - sometimes I am very lucky - may it hold - then 20 yrs WL, 19 @Bain, learned a lot on their machines / software - so it has worked out to my advantage, considering my lack of high-paying skills, 'difficult' personality - right?
 Right. Now what? Risk doing without health insurance till Medicare in 8 month? Cobra. Wait for 66 for Social Security. Or buy a trailer home now, while I can?
 Gah - big decisions before there's a good answer. Deal with it. Beth suggested shared living.
 9:21pm
 Dishes done - mostly packed - morning: smoothie, toss everything in suitcase, food hamper - grill, toiletries in trunk - books water in back seat.. can I make 4hrs to Coos on a smoothie? Lv remaining food in fridge - just some.. all lights on - cheery.. bed 10:30 - up ~7 - coffee on road.. down coast vs. into Tilla south on 101..
 I keep reading job market is hot, people leaving jobs after 2yrs.. so.. what is going on?
 I have experience, good credit, no bad habits, 19yrs at Bain - where they work you hard - good references - from Randy, Bain people.. just joined LinkedIn - should I try for part-time? 4-day week? Open-minded...
+++++
 So - list?
 Well, pack tonight, up early - get hotel near Arcata.
 Resume, with viral photoshops, album covers - as for recommendations - PDF for email. Online? With samples.
 Better laptop with Office/photoshop - fast, good internet connection etc, printer.
 Learn more Word?
 Tom fix toilet / shower stall/ skylight?
 Insure car - when?
 More food prep at home.
 Desk instead of bookshelf?
 Research trailer parks.
 Research campers.
 Research retirement (timing, cost of Medicare)
 Food banks
 Food stamps on retirement? Have to see car?
 Temp agencies.
 SABER / healthcare between jobs
 Networking on fb.
 Job hunting blog.
 I suppose there's a chance for security they'll have us leave before Aug 30 deadline.. that would be sad indeed... 19 years... from mid-level, to close to top dogs...
 What if's are stressful, uncertainties - what if WL does not get me a job? Could I just 'retire' now? Noooo... need cash flow.... I can stay more local - local music, local theater, local bay water - do not have to do Mendo, BBQs & Russian River fests.. that may be past now.. Okay.. getting redundant anyway.. and that last one with Elvin Bishop & Taj Majal would be a fine good-bye.. and this last Summer of BBQs, getting redundant as well.. I've had  my fun..
 Wow. Big change. Acceptance.
+++++
 Thu July 26.18 2:15pm
 pbj, join LinkIn, profile, aded Jim from work & Tom - emailed sibs & Buff/DJ - good to get supportive replies - Buff saying glad I want to stay in cottage, Tom offering to help with toilet & shower stall tiles (for free, but I'll pay if he'll let me). Next contact Marge & John? Beth mentioned possible shared space - too soon? But need to be on the table, yes - like possibility that this will help Tom & I get together better. Signed up for WL profile, brief resume, clicked interest in a Presentation job SF 9-5. Looks like if WL can't get me a similar job, then end relationship and severance. It is to their benefit to find me something. At least I got that all done, and it was fairly painless - good to have it done, good that I was able to do it. I just don't know about a night shift, or 1.5hr commute. Would I say no?
 Long IM w/K about my situation, her life and work etc. Grilled last steak - maybe a stroll to ocean now, then a drive - think about what food to bring on drive tomorrow, and how far to go. Email Parri - see if Sat am coffee works. Then home - maybe SR dinner.
 And:
 Decent savings
 Affordable rent
 Clean system if drug tests
 Clean credit rating
 Good rep at work mostly
 Car
 Friends
 Network
 It's a lot of goodness - does not change fact that losing a job after 19yrs is traumatic. These people are my team. Damn it.
 3:41 - took a walk in ocean - nice - big sand bar, shallow room temperature surf.. but cool, foggy - let's face it - this did ruin this vacation, I'm depressed, unexcited.. distracted.. and no cannabis to excite senses..
 Here I am flapping around anxious freaking out for a job I do not want.. what if there's a better, easier job, with kinder gentler boss - I was not looking forward to another year or four - I was close to considering it unthinkable/impossible - so, yes, maybe saved from that. IMHO * was out of control; anger/harshness counterproductive. Time to think experimentally - outside box. Can I survive on temp work, will Bain give me temp work? Be open. Ask questions.
+++++
 Thu July 26.18 8:10am
 Bed ~10:30 - up ~1am, then rough sleep most of night, freaked out, stressed, worried, crying out weepy - "My job!" - fear! anxiety! feel it! get it out! I should be afraid and anxious - remember, as long as I'm applying for jobs, even if I don't get one! I may be able to receive severance, unemployment benefits, etc. The important thing is to apply!
 Bad night - freaked - sleepless.. tried to force myself to stay in bed till 9, but..
 It's as much fear old old age, 'retirement', along with job loss - all tied together.. fuck.
 Even cooking my own food - expense - responsibilities.. I can do this.. but it's hitting all my 'No Mommy' buttons.. I'll get used to it..
 Margarita's for dinner - staring off - weird day - feel all stripped down to nothing.. I need to start telling people, put resume together, look at jobs from WL today.. WTF? I thought, bad thing about happening on vacation is there isn't much I can do! But yes, I can start resume, look at WL jobs.. include viral Fridas, Iggy/Bowie with resume as example of photoshop. My photoshop skills are decent - I ought ot be able to get something for that. Gig work. Full-time job with benefits would be very lucky.
 Before I say anything on fb, tell: sibs, Buff/DJ..
 I've told K, Sooz, Eric, L, Nur, La Bobby..
 Before I submit to my last vacation day in fear and depression, instead let's assume something good will come along, some good karma I may have will reap good results.. something will happen.. I need to put myself out there.. someone at Bain will help.. WL will find me a position.. take action.. research.. put together my resume and send it out or hand deliver it to HRs.. move, take action, present myself.. the more I do, the more likely something will happen.. when the going get tough, the tough get going.. I don't know I I'm tough, but get going anyway.. well, I quit drinking, I came back from losing Goldman Sachs position and became a star at Bain..
 I'm having minor regrets about giving away so much $$ - it was not wise! But I had fun, I lived! It was nice to feel I had more than enough - too generous, like Marge - but whether I have 75K or 125K, does not necessarily make a world of difference? No point in regrets now. Be wise going forward. My sense of self esteem is so low, it was my way of giving value, feeling connected. Sad, but there you go.
 I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I need to do this next part of my life. I have talent, experience, network, skills to make this. No one ever said life was going to be easy.
 10am - Just emailed sibs & Buff/DJ about job. Low wind & sunny, so doing a beach walk now - then lunch, look at WL job listing, bullet list. I am hopeful a week delay in looking at those jobs will not count to harshly against me, being on vacation and all. But it is worrisome that they said it was best if I do it now! Man, I'm in shock on vacation. Soon as I get back, off the road I'll be all over it.
 Looking through friend list, I think I've contacted everyone - next will be public fb announcement.
 And some soothing sex distraction, thank you very much.
+++++
 Wed July 25.18 8:45am
 I cling to fantasy - someone at Bain will say "Wait! Get rid of Robert? Unthinkable, (as well as cruel)..! Find him a spot somewhere, keep him in system as trainer!" Yeah, well - these policies are decided very high up, about efficiency, humanity / experience not taken into account, there's bigger money issues. Yeah. Okay. I know. Sad sad sad.
 Sleep ~10:30-7:30, (2am, 40min internet break); internet, wank, shower, room temp coffee, smoothie, long IM w/L re clinic - yum! My sadness and worry is same as everyone's: 1% have all money, rest of us are fucked, there's no jobs nor healthcare.. working class has no work, we are just.. nothing.. losers.. fuck you, Mitt! - standard boo-hoo. Doesn't mean it's not legit beef.
 Later - 3:51pm
 Train from misty Garibaldi to Rockaway Beach - more fun than expected! Little cold, but lovely bay views, smokestack blowing steam into overhead trees - send videos to various peeps - strolled Rockaway surf, heavy mist, nice - espresso - sunny, clear blue skies on way back - beautiful! Took pics of family - looked good - got them, train, background, they were very grateful. PBJ/Apple/dried fruit. Pioneer Museum, but so weary - needing nap, not absorbing! Some was cool, but been there every year for last 10 (?) vacations. So - eh!
 Home, into chair, nappity nap nap - one more day - cool - thinking 7hrs to Arcata - Sat am breakfast w/Parri - dinner with Eric..? Sun Subdudes BBQ to end vacation. \
 6:41 pm
 Wow - weird day - sinking deeper into vacation mode?, beginning to think I'll be okay.. I could not work.. I theory.. I have 80K, for real? Where is my mind? Snacked tortilla/cheese/salsa 1 egg - now into town for real meal.. no plans for Thurs - pack, leave early Fri.. 8 hrs to Arcata - book a room near Arcata.. Hi to Parri than 5 hrs home.. 13hrs..  11hrs if I got down 5.. I see..
 One week since got the news.. Wednesday morning till Wednesday morning.. naturally shocked and depressed, difficulty getting a handle on reality on vacation, what is going on in the dept? Will R get coordinator position? Does everyone know? Holy shit. Kind of depressing disaster. Pressure on me to apply for jobs from vacation. Okay - yes - makes sense - but shit. Do that tomorrow. They have to understand I have no phone, no resume, no way to know if I'll have time to interview when I return.. etc. Geez. How funny. to get this news what? Five days into a sixteen day vacation. Well, shit hahaha. LOL.
 I think I'm over shock, now just depressed about life in general. Doesn't help to learn full SS benefits don't kick in till 66. Shoot.
 What about investing in a trailer home now - rent it to someone else - rental property! Man. Fuckitty fuck fuck. So much to think about.
 It is not illness, divorce, substance abuse problem, etc.. I will survive. I hope I can get a ppt job! Something similar to Bain. But - be prepared for anything. Could be copy job, or office services. Be prepared. Open mind.
 Feeling a little crazy - looseness of vacation, so much time in a chair lap in lap, processing loss of Bain which has been a HUGE part of who I am right now!! Wow. Someone save me. Help!
+++++
 Tues July 24.18 III 7pm
 Just back from Tilla - cheese, coffee, almond milk - car wash - almost turned around when I saw 2 guys, 1 old 1 young manually washing cars, then said WTF there' nothing embarrassing about having any job - Mexican soup/rice/beans, 1 blue margarita, failed to request in the rocks, mushy ice froze my top palette so much it really hurt..
 Current sadness is, benefits of long-term job gone: 20 days PTO, access to video editing/photoshop apps, etc, flexible schedule for 4 day weekends, long summer vacations - not to mention familiar faces - a few friendly ones always happy to see me, older guys - geez, came here mid 40s, what a mess, kinda socially inept, rotten teeth, barley knew how to clothe, clean, dress, feed myself.. I am in much better shape physically & mentally because of these 20 years,. wake up message I got that first years when booted out for looking at sex pics - access to scanner, hundreds of not thousands of my photos, negatives, polaroids - edited videos for youtube/facebook - Donnette & other photos that became Frida w/gun.. hundreds of pics for the GT rereleases.. lots of history that would not have happened if not for this job, and that I worked it, and did so well that my personal stuff was overlooked..
 Let's not overreact.. I can probably still do Rancho BBQs, & visit Eric - It's too soon to be upset about imagined losses.. I imagine myself barely getting by.. old, alone, nothing to do, disengaged - and yeah, that's depressing.. Mom lost Dad, had church, loved our calls so much.. old age, not for sissies, bound to be depressing.. not looking forward to it.. and fuck..  boom.. 64.. I just read it's actually 66 to retired with full benefits? God damn it.. well - get moving! Move to Oregon, live in a fucking trailer park., eat beans rice vegetables.. drink water.. join a church.. read.. garden.. breath.. become a wise old saint haha.. fuck..
 But glad I'm here - I think it's keeping me from panicking.. a few days respite..
 Not really, but kind of kicking myself for not keeping more of 16K for GT/FB photo.. instead of 2.6 to each.. but, good karma.. in end, is was right thing to do..
 You know, I'm basically an unhappy person, afraid of poverty.. ashamed of my inability to get along, lack of family, lack of class.. common, alright? Just fucking survive.. pride will kill you.. whatever job I get, be proud of it.. it's be cool if it's something I'm good at, like powerpoint.. or photoshop..
 For a while there, I felt cool - I am so fortunate, to have had my time, with the band, photos on albums, touring, videos, doing lights, then Scott died & my photo a lot of attention, Rain Parade cover, backstage at the reunion - I was never really 'cool', but got to do cool things, hang in cool places - backstage etc - That was good Then! Don't need it now - now just need to enjoy life, be happy best I can - that is new cool. Cottage is also cool, and my cool job in the tall building. Oh well - all very shallow, I know - and work just kept me busy to distract from how vulnerable I am financially.. it's always been there, I told Eric, if I lose job, or lose cottage, then I'm fucked.. might as well enjoy the time when I can with a bit of extra money...
 Who knows what's next.. but I knew what was up - now it's here, just deal - be happy - I'm lucky to have all I have and have had.. a few good friends are gold.
+++++
 Tues July 24.18 II 3pm
 Still sitting here, jumping from porn-news-facebook - in-depth options discussion w/K, asked Eric what he knows about trailer parks (still seems unreal, kind of scary, sub-optimal - final acknowledgement if not acceptance that you can't go home), emailed Sooz about job news - no response yet. IMs Stacey & La Bobby about job. They both have lost loved ones - husband & brother - reminding me that my situation is not tragic. A little mild hyperventilating).
 Dept head emailed suggested apply available positions - I got UltiPro URL, will look into that tonight or tomorrow. Seem to fear applying for jobs even more than being unemployed - normal. Fear of exposure, failure, whatever. Windy cold out so I'm enjoying ocean from indoors. WL wants to place me before they have to pay severance.
 Do not whine - maybe to close friends - no one else wants to hear it. Nearly every one of my friends has much bigger  - genuine- child, illness - problems than mine. Life's tough.
 I will need to make decisions that could impact rest of my life - it's a lot to do - should I take an entry-level night-time production job? Owch. I can do this - job hunting is stressful.
 Things will happen fast once I get back to SF. Meantime, whatever they suggest - so - apply for jobs - keep options open. Work with them. Be easy and professional.
 Shower, hair wash, nose strip came up clear, Cheese/beans/salsa/eggs lunch - have a pbj/apple ready to go - yeah, let's take a drive. Tomorrow do train to Rockaway Beach - for the scenery. Painful endless skin thing on forehead - try to get that frozen before losing health insurance?
 Let's go into town, visit Pioneer Museum - oops closing at 4, glad I checked - good for an hour or so. Get out of this cushioned reclining chair, away from foggy blustery coast. Get almond milk, supplies from Safeway. Visit Bay City? Get out anyway.. yes.. coast towns south..
 Sarah 1982 Boston sex, women, porn distraction - women possibility of mothering/home - maybe too late, too old for that.. take care of myself, I'm a big boy.. just do it!

+++++
 Tues July 24.18 oside 10am
 Most of Mon in chair/online - ~5 Tilla groceries - La Mexicana dinner - prawns special & 2 margaritas, lots of water - twin customers birthday, staff sings, fun - made me smile..
 Youtube, sleep ~11 - slept well, dreams, wake ~8 - woke peaceful - internet and thermos coffee - emails from GT/FB $4,700 on the way, so $3K after taxes.. still - hey - every bit helps - $3K is not nothing - save save save, work work work..
 Work work work Save save save..
 Bit constipated Mon, good digestion this morning.. eating out 1x daily on vacation, not so much after.. dishes done, bin emptied..
 Wk emailed list of jobs to apply for - gah!! Job search stress!! Normal to feel stressed - get a good resume together - breath - looked at ocean, calmed down - smoothie - now shower.. 3 more days in oside - get out for fresh air - I will come back to work/job apps relaxed/healthy - this is good! I am very fortunate - if this had happened a month ago, totally ruined vacation.. in some ways this is perfect - plus savings, PTO time, possible severance offers decent cushion.. housemates, network.. who knows? Join that online work contact site - yes. Use every support.
 I have I think 3 weeks of PTO still (?) - but even 2 is $1.8K - how funny to have this vacation time to absorb the shock of job disappearing - makes it feel unreal, yet can still let mind settle/organize all options, accept it slowly - do not count on anyone coming to save me, keep me at Bain - accept reality. If someone there somehow did help me out, it would be a huge surprise and gift.
 Be thinking independent contractor - gig economy - better laptop, apps, books to study, refine my skills, InDesign, Photoshop.. $3k from GT/FB could well be put to that - ? Utilize online resources for info re resumes, samples of work, personal website for my work ?
 Anyway.. let's not get too redundant here - I have already said some of this - what needs to be in here -
 I am remarkably relaxed considering.. no more stressed than I ought to be - a job in Menlo Park - 3hr commute, should I even bother to apply? Or wait for SF, even if a nighttime job, 4-midnight, or 2-10 - ugh. Sigh. I need to apply for all to be certain of staying employed by WL, receiving severance, earning unemployment if necessary.. so there is a path forward. I am going to indulge on this vacation - maybe unwise, but damn it also maybe ultimately best for me neatly/physically. This last time of calm beauty love gift to self. So long as I apply for the WL jobs in WL queue, I am connected. If WL can't find me anything, then apply for unemployment and temp agencies. And join every fucking art site, reach out on fb, and accept all support and advice.
 On vacation I am usually bored, a bit crazy - this, at least, is giving me something to think about - my future.. the next 5-10 years..
 I'll be 65 in 8 months.. Social Security.. Medicare..
 70 in 5 years, unlikely to be hired by any company.. so it'll be SS + gig work..
 But I can look back - 1st 45yrs were rough.. angry, frightened, lost - now I can look back at last 20: friends, network, support has softened angry edges - and because of last 20yrs of work, sanity, my immediate future is do-able.. because of Scott.. it's all Scott's fault..
 Invest in cottage - can I get toilet fixed for <$1K - some sort of fix for shower stall. Tom?
 Assuming cottage stable, calculate how much I need to live month-to-month. Assuming I need to move, look into trailer parks. What can I afford? Buy a mobile home, or van?
+++++
 Mon July 23.18 9:20am Oside
 This could turn out to be a good thing.. making me face reality of my situation - long as I had the job I had illusion of relative safety/security; but foresaw 'retirement being lonely & impoverished, stripped of 'dignity of work'..
 Uncertain how to deal with aging, retirement, Social Security etc - now I have to - that is not all bad; just uncomfortable, scary, etc. I need to get more raspberries.
 Sleeping well - resting my body & mind by ocean - many good memories of this location, Oside.. it's nice to be here.. front windows open into vastness of endless sky ocean.. will Bain & WL somehow help me get another job? Or is the new wave of young folks who know PowerPoint and also InDesign etc too much a barrier? We shall see. Surely someone needs me? That's the key question.
 Not liking this feeling needy - or being 'in need', a friend indeed.. but I don't actually want help - don't want to live with any of them.. I want life to magically take care of this disruption, make it go away.. so I can slip back into a soothing groove.. consistency, routine have been my friends in many ways.. looking back I have had long periods of emotional instability, anger, angst etc.. insecurity..
 The world is cruel, but it's not personal.. we are animals trying to survive, fighting over resources.. that's all.. it is not a personal dislike of me, so don't react by rejecting it.. embrace truth about world.. we can all die anytime, we all die, everything dies, ends, breaks down, and is reborn somehow... worrying about ten years from now is pointless..
 Please family do not make me leave home. Please Bain do not make me leave. The 'rejection' is painful.
 Man up, put on my big-boy pants, go out, find a job. Apply, apply, apply.
 Meantime - read Sooz's Medicare book - bullet list, better laptop with PowerPoint, Excel, Photoshop.. can I work from home? How good internet do I need? How do I bill, charge, keep track, do taxes.. if I do independent contractor work.. it'll be a pain in the ass, but I can do it! I can even hire a consultant to help me set it up if necessary.
 Consider my resources.. at what point do I buy a trailer to live in, choose a trailer park.. settle in? Do it soon, while savings intact; calculate what I can afford with my Social Security. Stretch out my savings.
 There's no alternative reality - no hippie culture - no 'other' kinder gentler system - it's Capitalism, and it's work or die. Harsh. But there's no hope - face up to it. I got this job because they needed warm bodies during dot-com economic expansion.. and I earned my keep, I was told I was a 'star', 'non-expendable', that 'no one at Bain did their job better than I did.' - nice - now - let's see how much that helps - it could take just one person I worked with to help with a tip, a contact - ; for my self-esteem, it helps a lot - I did add value, I have value to add to other companies.. sign up at temp places.. let's go.. my 'big personality' did not keep me from adding real value.. yet they are letting me go.. in spite of being legendary.. that is shocking to me,, I thought I was golden.. and there you go..
 Wed got news - arrive in Oside
 Thurs sit around
 Fri three rocks
 Sat sit around
 Sun Seaside
 Mon sit around - contact work
 Don't talk about work thing too much, keep myself open to my friendships, keep that separate - upsetting as it is, don't let it become who I am - there is more to me, much more, than an unemployed friend in-need. It's an interesting challenge - much to do, I'll learn a lot  doing it. About SS, eBay, job hunting, temp places, Medicare, trailer parks, social support for elderly, etc.. yes.. much good may come of it.. do my art, take care of my health.. life is good.
 Life sucks, might as well be happy :-)
 Slept pretty well - no more weepiness - in fact, lots of the fear I'm experiencing is similar to general life fear - I think also fear of being around cottage too much, so Buff/DJ have less time alone, and I am more needy of their time/attention? If there's down time, major cottage clean up, toss old stuff, make room for a work table/chair - make it a work space.
 It maybe feels a bit unreal, hear by the ocean - but this is really happening, it need not be awful - keep a positive outlook, be happy, celebrate all the good things I have, celebrate life. Don't worry. Be happy.
 No one is coming to save me. Mummy & Daddy are dead. Have to fend for myself and survive. Art will not save me. Look for work. Learn a new skill. Survive! It's on me. Scary as it is - that's what I want anyway, to be able to rely on myself. In a month, in 2 or three - now - I will find, I am finding out who I am, and what I can do. Leaving now, ending vacation, is not the answer - it's not that big an emergency - I have a month of work once I get back - then unemployment and maybe severance pay if necessary - and I have my savings. But no Mommy & Daddy - this is when one becomes an adult.
 11:30am:  Emailed dept head & 2 WL peeps if anything I should know/be doing, assuming I continue CORE modules through Aug - 'Thanks for checking in, I appreciate your continued commitment to the client. Everything should remain the same until further notice'. . Good. That is actually real good news - if they'd taken away training.. I dunno.. anyway.. good, show up Mon and no more surprises would be ideal. hahaha!!..
+++++
 Sun July 22.18 II 9:19pm
 Lv Oside ~>9? Traffic not bad, had to pass some slow-ass Oregon drivers.. couple short stops, overlook.. brought 2 gallons of water, apple, pbj, steak - Seaside ~10:30? Good parking, decided against rent-paddle-boat because knee weak.. jump in bumper $3 car, that was fun, mostly avoided hitting people - happy kids hit me! Game place, did bumpy chair screen thing, someone passing said there's an aquarium - I'd forgotten! walked over - Sooz had recommended - seals asking for treats - got $2 worth - that was fun! Displays not bad, tho fish look unhappy. Several octopus. Ticket guy said 64 was close enough, gave me senior discount. :-) So it begins.
 Starving! phone hot helping find Mexican place - girls at carousel told me about one, few blocks away, but really good! friendly down home atmosphere - a bit of funk - pork chops, rice/beans, tortillas, 2 margaritas. Cut up chops and stuffed everything in tortilla - great meal! Sushi is "cool" and expensive - Mexican less expensive/more 'real'(?). Book store.. did 2 more screen rides, & bumper cars - fun! - leave ~5pm.. 30min hwy 53 to Miami-Foley beautiful backroads skirt Rockaway Beach & Garibaldi.. stop at Cheese factory, stand in line for ~30mins for 1 scoop mediocre choc ice cream.. because vacation..
 A bit beat.. good day tho.. did what I wanted, had fun.. all day IM'ing w/various folks, about Mexican meal, sharing cool b&w photo of nudes on a hill watching distant smoke, with Lori B about Scott - Starbucks for morning mocha - which improved my morning mood considerably! - espresso to fuel trip home..
 Thinking through options of selling Frida cards, posters, etc - see if some local gallery wants to try it.. keep my head reasonable - at best it will be a lot of work, barely make any $$ - but it will be me selling my own work.. will be lots to learn.. lots of putting myself out there, sitting at tables... lots of rejection.. that's what is it..
 Maybe email Darcy/GFX tomorrow, see if there's stuff I should be doing...? Or leave it be.. I mean, job is over.. Bain is dead.. in 8 months I can retire.. hmp..
 I ordered more V..
 Spending less.. making transition.. huh..
 I hear ocean pounding.. no plans for tomorrow.. do things.. even if just drive south, explore small area tourist places.. walk, move.. fresh air..
+++++
 Sun July 22.18 Oside 7:54am
 Bed ~10pm, up ~2am for a but, then 7:15.. spotty sleep, but did not wake up weepy, so it goes.. balancing stress of looking for new job, against general existential/ self-sufficiency stress.. working it out.. soon, type up job info and send out group email/msg.
 Sat pm into town ~7, $300 ATM, fill tank, fruit/pudding/eggs..  ~8 tortilla/cheese/beans/salsa/eggs.. yum! Savings ~84K. I think Social Security would net me ~$400/wk? Not enough to live on in Bay Area without sweet rent deal. That's the scary part. And making extra $$ via internet sales is, even short-term, a pipe dream. So there we are. In retirement, one picks up odd jobs/temp work for extra pocket $$, and go to food banks, and volunteer.
 8am - shower, leave for Oceanside ~8:30-9? Cool. Overcast. Whatever - don't want to sit around all day.. still, only 4 days since the news? Wed am.. Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun am. Okay.. 4 days is not long. still some shock in system. Mon contact work - email or phone - check in - is there anything I ought to do to get ball rolling or can it wait till I get back. Don't want to miss out on any opportunities. Man.
 Must be depressing in dept right now, but at least there's camaraderie and shared support. I assume lots of people know by now.
 Fantasy - Partners/others shocked/outraged, demanding GFX (me, at least) kept in SF. Hahaha. No, it'll be - 'damn, that sucks, nice working with you, you're legendary, thanks for support - back to work - bye!' Maybe some outside work work? Maybe some tips? Maybe BridgeSpan or some other temp training? I'll take it, anything to keep my toe in that pool. Get a better PC laptop, and practice my Photoshop & PowerPoint skills.
 Yes, things I can do to keep myself viable, get a printer, and a photo printer, sell photos on eBay etc.
 Okay, time to shit, shower and shine.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Life is good always.
 Dreamed about finding pile of photos mom had been organizing.. no details.. lots of dreaming.. I think that's a good sign. REM sleep.
 Ah, yes, thank you.
+++++
 Say July 21.18 Oside 5:51pm
 Sitting in this chair for hours - that's what vacation is - during work time I amuse myself, can see what amuses me is pretty cool sometimes - literature, history etc - friends - art - but vacation you let your mind relax - it is not a reflection of a boring mind, it is mental downtime.. in a beauty spot away from city life! That is somehow key.. fill it with porn, or comic books, or pop star biographies.. summer reading as they call it..
 Told N about dept closing.. have told Karen, L, Eric and N now.. it was time.. Sooz is next.. N was surprised I did not want to immediately retire.. I could have at 62, waited till 65 for Medicare - 8mos from now -, but was leaning towards working till I die.. it's risky to try to make a few bucks selling my art - likely to fail or not make much difference.. but, note cards of my best pics, Frida pics etc.. just saying.. it may not be too late?
 And 5 years since Scott killed hisself - so so long ago now.. and bands, Davis, college, Game Theory tours long ago history.. beginning to be meaningless.. what is now? Job. Or not. What the fuck. A good full-time job with healthcare is a valuable thing. But it is not the only thing.
 6pm.. got get strawberries, supplies.. gas up car.. tomorrow early 8am? out to Seaside.. yes, this is good..

+++++
 Sat July 21.18 Oside 9:22am
 Sleep ~10:30-8.. so not out early for Seaside - cold, overcast - perfect for glum mood - anyway, feeling emotional, sad, weepy, maybe depressed(?) - feeling loss of status, no job.. having a job makes you viable - what do you do? Meaning, what is your work - working class - .. a good job, comfortable office job is cool.. sitting all day.. yes.. helping, giving something back.. daily 1-on-1 contacts.. yeah, I'm bottom of ladder, admin.. but at Bain where slide/presentations are central, it was important.. 'these companies live and die by ppt' said PEG IT guy.. I was known as PPT guy because of training.. boom, status, prestigious - minor as it was - gone.. hmp.. mourn, weep, feel my feelings, get through it, process, it'll heal naturally organically..
 Dreams of trying to drum but can't, something about chasing Korean solders who escape down a steep rocky hill into the sea to drown or hide beneath rocks avoiding snipers smoke screen.. ? Was I the sniper or the Koreans - woke up feeling it was unclear.. many dreams.. so that means REM sleep.. good.. getting this info on vacation is good because time to heal, process, but maybe bad because I'm missing info opportunities at work? Reach out to Ultipro and names on PDF.. Let them know I'm interested in work.. this is how it is.. vacation.. should I rush home? Is staying here self-indulgent? Let's see..
 Anyway, feeling weak/weepy, don't want to let everyone know/see yet till I've bucked up a little.. fair enough.. allow myself dignity, spare them pain..
 Fri 12:15 south 101 to Three Rocks.. lovely day for drive, upscale homes in hilly forests, stop at parking near water, signs/descriptions/history of area, not much to see - munch salted steak for energy, up Savage Rd to Sitka Center for Arts and Ecology in woods, modern/rustic wood buildings, beautiful location, classes, sculptures, I was feeling skeptical (art classes way to fill time, don't get one a job - my main concern these days) but sincere and curious.. Kim told me about it.. back inland to Oside, out ~6 for Mexican dinner again.. straight back to Oside, sit around on laptop, ~9 step onto beach, briefly into water, but hard cold wind drove me back into cottage..
 Seeing world through eyes of job=money=equals having stuff, no job means no stuff.. reality.. few illusions.. no fun.. death and suicide play on edges (not really, but..)..  normal to have these thoughts.. everything must be processed... but, life will get better, I've been down before and been okay..  I see cars coming other way, think how easy to turn wheel into them.. but so bad/sad to friends, acquaintances (look how Scott did that).. not to mention pain in innocent other's lives.. fear an actual accident that kills me, friends wondering if I did commit suicide - no, don't want to lay that on anyone.. too sad.. too much pain..
 Speaking of suicide, Bradley posted SAC Scott memorial pic - 5 years ago today - I was a mess.. holy shit.. overwhelmed by memories... I was a constant part of the scene.. Shelley, Nan, Lynn modeled for me.. Suzi almost did.. ex-wife, best friend.. Gil now gone too soon.. fuckitty fuck fuck.. gotta keep moving, enjoying life all the same..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 News hit 3 days ago in Newport - it's good I didn't call Tue, would have ruined Sooz visit!.. Wed am - Sat am.. 3 full days, working through it - last night/this morning, weepy phase - more phases to come.. worrying about my whole life, feel how vulnerable I, we all, are.. some level of despising myself for being weak, not smart/wealthy enough - future tense, like well in 8 months I could retire @65, but how would I fill the time, not just be depressed/bored, sink into poverty? And what if cottage falls through.. and 'what if, what if'? Get a grip.. process,, have faith that I'll get a grip.. a job is a big comfort.. to know one is employable..
+++++
 Fri July 20.18 Oside 9:30am
 ~5 Fri into town for dinner/groceries, Mexican place north of town, Mexican feels healthy - 1 margarita.. visited Cheese Factory in new building all completed (a good sign that I'm still doing spontaneous vacation stuff - I am not paralyzed - monitoring my reaction), Safeway for meal food..
 ...everyone got to work, lots of work involves standing all day, repetitive boredom.. my job typing/making slides all day is just grunt work, but occasional creativity, and training gave it something more - training meant I was expert, meant prestige.. meant people remember he helping them.. I grabbed photos/photoshop jobs.. video editing.. whatever creativity I could.. some of this was new, during and post dot-com, now everyone knows that stuff, but for a while I was high-value and that was fun.. :-)
 Also networked, attended work events, took photos, created photo collection folder, scanned old headshots, shot passport-type photos, pro-active outreach for ppt work/ training, helping people beautify training modules.. come on - I was, am an amazing employee. Come on Neil or one or some of all you powerful folks who I've helped, who have told me I am great - that I am indispensible - help me out here. Golden Gate or one of the PEG companies I trained, or BridgeSpan. Hmmm. That'd be cool. Very cool.
 I'm still high-value - I'm not being laid-off 'for cause' - so that's good :-(
 Too windy/cold for beach, scanned Love and Rockets book, bed at 10, no pot - I'm off pot for now, in case I'm tested.. up ~6:30 - internet for a while, back to sleep till ~8:30.. stayed in bed wrestling with feelings, fear of aging, worrying about what will become of me etc.. standard stuff for my age, now brought to fore by soon-to-be-unemployment status.. that is: even if I land in an okay living situation, and have enough social security, what to do all day? And if I get some independent contractor work (from Bainees) I'll need a better computer/wifi connection etc. Lots to think through - I'm a little afraid.. frightened.. naturally.. but I also see possibilities.. I'm not fucked.. it is not a terminal illness.. it is survivable.. for all my gripes about current circumstances, there is much value worth sustaining.. it's just different.. I can still be happy..
 Wow.. boom.. perhaps a year from now I may look back, say yeah that was fucked, but not remember how destabilizing this feels, and still be in happy circumstances.. another PowerPoint job would work.. look at ppt temp 'experts' we got handed at Bain.. maybe I can get another good position.. but if it's in Silicon Valley that'd be fucked, but hell.. take it anyway.. be a trooper..?
 If necessary get a better car, give Sooz back the Camry she loves.. haven't told her about job yet..
 Had a smoothie, coffee from the cottage maker here.. not bad.. then shower and beach stroll..
 Seaside Mon?
 No plans for days - what about that 3 rock thing an hours south of here? WTF is it?
 There is something emasculating about losing the job. Money is power. Money is sex? Buy a girl a drink? Buy a girl? Wow. Get past that - there's more to attractiveness than $$ - tho it helps. Yes, prestige of job, savings, giving away $$ - like potlatches, attaining status by gift-giving - makes me feel successful in a mainly gender-specific way. Noted. Be honest about all this. Even tho I don't - having considered it, wouldn't -, offering $$ to Sarah W or others for nude photos - or even sex - , knowing I could do that, everyone having a price, is power. $1K to massage them, enjoy touching and looking at their naked body - would feel lousy, and not be a good thing - but, there's a thin edge of desire for power (power is survival) at edge of mind, that enjoys knowledge, that if I was evil, didn't care who I hurt, it could be done. Weird. Something Nazi'ish about it. Sexual control. "You won't send me nude photos? But you would if I offered you this much $$." Yes, sexual power trip. Same is true in reverse. Everyone has their price.
 Phewww... breath out..  fear of losing money.. job.. loss of control.. shakes one up.. have faith that with my experience, I'll et another position via WL. Just hope is is easy to get to.
 Letters from Sibs.. Beth's back getting worse. Mary's shoulder healing, but legs bad - no hiking. Anne moved to Wheeling - so Beth alone in mTown. Shirley 90 & addicted. Tom in my town but we not talking. Joan/Jeff in Reno. Lisa & Rob in Napa.
 Sad as it is.. leaving a job with familiar faces.. not really any real friends there.. no one I see outside work... I'm already mentally moving on..
 This morning in bed, working through thoughts of worse-case scenarios..  no job, no cottage.. leave town.. whatever.. feel and think through it all.. process.. it's all good..
 ***
 Good shower - so habitual I noticed I skipped Thurs.. & digestion - lunch 2 corn tortillas w/black beans/cheese/salsa.. grilled 2 steaks for later.. bringing pbj/apple/dried figs - drive ~1hr south to 3 rocks and see what that's about - cols and windy so no beach visit yet - it seems it is more about the place and space and free time than the actual beach & ocean? Good idea at least once a day get out there and enjoy natural beauty..
+++++
 Thu July 19.18 Oside 9:20am
 Wed pm IM'ing w/L till 8, Tilla for groceries - no dinner food - back in time for sunset but horizon fogged in.. sit till 11, pulling pics out of 1T storage drive for tumblr and clearing out redundancy..
 When you lose a long-term job, it often takes time - months! - to get another 'good' job, and more time for pay to grow.. so this is indeed a big deal/end of an era.. if I also lose cottage I am well and truly fucked.. let's not sugar-coat this situation - It's fucked.. end of an era of having more than enough, of being generous, etc.. Age ~45-64 - I became an adult.
 Lots to think about: resume (pay someone to help), connection to WL, Social Security, food stamps, trailer parks, different state?, how much severance pay will I get and for how long? COBRA for healthcare? Any last-minute Medical / Dental work to be done? (No. Lucky my health is good at this moment). What can I cut back on to save $$ - less expensive car insurance, can I cut back on some electronic stuff? No more art. No more long weekends on the coast (unless I sleep in car).
 Take a day or two to chill.. do what I always do, maintaining standard behavior might be good for my mind. Then start list: resume, Ulti-Pro job search, etc. Fuck. Be methodical. I have learned how to do this - bullet list - at work  get it done. Check with Holly/Tracey re GFX positions, temp work etc. Bummer.
 It's just a change - I'll be fine, and everything is going to be alright.
 Dinner: Tortillas, cheeses, beans, salsa, eggs - mmm! Oily! Big ol' dump this morning. No pot - bed ~11, wake up ~2am, too hot, take off sweatshirt, turn off living room heater, sit on computer chair for an hour (?), back to bed naked, got a chill, shivering under covers.. sleep till ~7:30.. coffee makes was decent - 2 cups..
 I think last year I also sat around for a day or so before going to ocean.. eat, smoothie, get out and move for sure.. but this first full day, after 5 days of travel / Sooz visit, work news.. yeah.. sit still and chill while I can..
 I've been feeling like this was last year for music festivals/cottages w/Eric and even OR trips.. I thought reaction to Mom's death, seeing potential end everywhere - who knows what's next? But for now.. frugal is the word. 8 nights here.. things will look different - it's good to have this time... I am much blessed..
***
 Remember, I just got this news 24hrs ago, Wed morning.. and it's Thursday - maybe it feels a bit unreal, out here on coast, 4+ days on road... let it sink in.. reality - be brave - act with integrity.. be kind to yourself.. who do I tell? Eric, K & L so far - B&DJ can wait till I return home(?).. sibs? At some point.
 It's been a long 24hrs,, it only takes 1 or 2 people at work to help me out, make a recommendation, share a tip, etc.. maybe stop pot now to clear system for drug testing.. drove ~700 miles in 4.5 days.. now I'm sitting sunk in this comfy chair, as I have for years.. 16days summer vacationing..
 Quite a coincidence.. August 1999-August 2018.. 19 years exactly - and it helps a lot that I was not laid off for anything I did - just a change in company policy, and I am a long-term employee in good standing, meeting expectations.. in a tight spot.. someone give me a hand.. I'll get by with a little help from my friends.. Bain was cool fun and prestigious.. a good ride.. likely next will be a step down, but it doesn't matter - put food on the table and pay rent.. not like a GFX dept is high up the corporate ladder.. Just happened that the company I started at in 1999 has grown into a big dog over that time... cool experience, I was lucky to have it, a company that my personality worked in.. allowed to color outside lines.. may the next one also fit my personality,..
 Okay - 2:30pm - shower, more groceries of dinner kind,,. Mexican lunch.. espresso...
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Wed July 18.18 Oside 5pm
 What's good:
 Health
 Friends
 Cottage/rent
 Yard
 Savings
 Nearness to retirement age
 Connection to Williams Lea - possible job through them?
 ~2 weeks vacation time in cash
 Good references from Bain people
 19yrs at prestigious Bain good on resume
 PowerPoint & training experience, Photoshop, some Excel, bit of Outlook
 Car
 I've had time to heal post Mom/Gil loss, so have fortitude to face this squarely & with integrity
 As in: I called Darcy this morning even tho I was on vacation, and tho I was anxious; I slept well, went through with call and news solidly. I'm an adult.
 There's lots of good.
 Question
 Will they ask me to do some post-Aug CORE training? Nah! They'll fly someone out from Dallas, and train local ppt experts.
 Who will train new hires? Out from Dallas, and local experts again? Also in LA & SV.
 I wonder who will do facepages (HR probably)? Or no one?
 It is no longer my concern - if they asked I'd do it, but that's very unlikely. No - there's no going to be a miracle.
 Nothing is permanent. Things change; one has to be able to face up to it.
+++++
 Wed July 18.18 Newport hotel
 Mon pm most of Newport hotels booked - managed 2 nights at Econolodge (thank you) nice $110 room looking out at distance but audible ocean.. Tues ~10am lv for Sooz in Albany  - easy drive, nice day from fogged-in coast to sunny hot inland.. Good to se Sooz, Jack, Judd, kitties, greenhouse, yard, birds on feeders.. talked about boss asking for mandatory mtg, wondering what, is it really important, or just her stuff - what does it say that we did not trust her to trust? Whatever.. Sooz & I went out for lunch, chat chat ~4 fading head out w/sad hugs, Joni Mitchell bios, Mexican restaurant recommendations....
 Easy drive, woke me up, north on 101 for Sbuck thermos coffee, Mexican restaurant -  sent pics to Sooz.. broke down place but tasty/filling! Grocery store: bananas, pudding, goldfish.. hotel, thinking do things - do things now! Hit off pipe, bring with small bud, park at overlook near arts center, hit off pipe - barely notice high but mostly puts me in present - no past/future.. stroll water edge but not in water, heavy fog - no sunset -, jacket, nice.. home ~9..?
 Sleep ~11, sleep all night deep.. up ~7:30.. call CHIboss.. no answer.. call 30mins later.. the news: both CHI & SF GFX depts closing Aug 31 - ouch! That's like7 people out of work - including, I assume CHIboss.. man, lots of pain.. bad news for me, but I'm okay at the moment -
 Cheap rent, good savings, option to retire, Medicare in 8mos - (look into how Social security calculated - recent paychecks, or long-term employment?) - being at Bain&Co for 19yrs will look good on resume.. maybe even someone at Bain will recommend me? Also, I'm past Mon/Gil deaths physical pain - though it sort of "ruins" my vacation.. interesting timing..?
 And interesting timing.. just did 4 days of relaxed driving, yesterday visiting good beloved friend, who welcomed me, said looking good (lost weight, Mexican clothes) - next step is 9 nights in cottage in favorite place in US.. so time for this traumatic news to sink in.. I am numb, avoiding now - feel my feelings, let it sink in, Bain has been a big part of who I am and was during a big significant time of my life: post-divorce, post wild-living, 45-64.. wild.. I was allowed to evolve, learn, test myself, come out of shell, lots of trainings - got pretty good at it! Able to see live music, music fests with friends, support my friends - and goddaughter - financially!
 Regular paycheck is nice, people I've worked with for so long - sad to say goodbye to familiar faces.. sad for them, too.. sad.. fuck..
 But survival is first priority.. timing is good as can be hoped, with savings etc.. my friends may be generous, I'll be okay - but a.) I do not want to be dependant, and b.) there's more to it than that - there's the working class dilemma - who am I without work?
 Sell my artwork online - now's the time.
 Boom! Big news. Not a disaster, because I could retire, try to live on fixed income. Wait 8 months till 65 and do my best. Move to a crappy trailer park in Oregon or Bragg and freeze in the rain. Get info. Okay. Now what?
 Now - 10:56 - car packed - let's drive to Oceanside.. I have 5 hours to do a 2hr drive, arrive ~3.
 Breath. This is really happening - breath - remind myself I am distracted and emotional, so be extra careful driving!
+++++
 Mon July 16.18 Roasters/Florence 2pm
 Boss <snip> no biggy..  (she's doing best she can, be supportive where I can)
 Again, good to blog job stuff here, but no need to keep, as I will never care going forward.. which tells me a lot - it is peripheral, short-term..
 Sleep well - ~11pm-7:45.. (evening: no fridge, spoon runny choc pudding.. youtube).. morning: good wank (OPIK Kate & blonde, less experienced blonde sitting on cock, Kate sitting on face; after I have fully satisfied them, they want to give me commiserate pleasure - Kate sucking, other stroking balls).. move slow, internet, smoothie, good bm, shower - overcast - explore Winchester fishing port, cool little book store on wharf along with dry dock (?) boats on stands -crackers/hummus/1/3 pbj - filling -... traffic easy.. breakfast somewhere.. eggs/corn beef hash.. yuck..
 Bathing is one of fave vacation activities.. sleep, hot showers.. fresh air, relaxation.. looking at ocean... no work.. this works.. so what am I doing right now? exactly what I want.. if I am dissatisfied, do something else.. it's my choice.. visiting a favorite coffee spot on coast for espresso & view of lovely bridge... sunny day with enough of cool breeze to be perfect.. Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Sunny beautiful by river, view of 30s deco bridge.. people drinking coffee, talking.. my 2nd double espresso..
 50 miles to Newport.. 1:15hrs.. past Seal caves..
 Tues Newport to Sooz and back.. Wed have all day to get to Oceanside.. always small pleasurable tension between: wanting to arrive vs. wanting to chill here/there and take time.. later afternoon Oside arrival has always worked.. tides not very low, but there's always tunnel..
 Sigh.. yes.. emailed Sooz.. Tues still good? Pics to friends.. 2nd espresso helped.. sitting here, espressos helped.. something about this spot.. makes everything okay..
+++++
 Sun July 15.18 Coos Hotel 6 8:45pm
 Just back from sushi dinner - wonton soup, rainbow roll - too much - most of roll came home in box.. large hot sake, water, fortune cookies.. stressed and crazy while eating, but feel good now, stroll ~15min through empty depressing sodden Coos Bay - which wants so to be as charming as its name - and I wish it well and have faith.. Frost's The Witch of Coos haunts my peripheral mind..
 What the hell - call into Tue Dept mtg if I can - choose your battles - I have nothing to prove - she wanted to call me, but compromised said I could call in.. so do it.
 This morning ~11am - up north side of Rogue River, stick to main on main road, hard right.. through fog, out left window, I see fucking ocean - WTF? - 7miles back south, back up, earlier hard right, get to small bridge, larger Lobster Creek Bridge.. beautiful area!! OMG - curvy road forests, running fauns, wide river, river bank rock formations, forested mountains, large red boat with ~25 people zipping around, I wave from bridge, they waved back - 1/2 pbj - dried fruits..
 North through small towns.. explore Port Orford, art gallery, Crazy Norwegians cup clam chowder/salmon salad/choc shake - that worked, parked above to digest & view bay, espresso downtown - yum! - junk shop across street, perused Port Orford history book..  Langlois Raincoast Arts Gallery I've been driving past for 20+ years, some decent work.. I'm a judgmental ass.. ego relies on phony sense of being artist - delusions - cruise Bandon Old Town, park by wharf (yawn), get out only at memorial to native people.. okay.. not my people.. but cool.. decide on Coos Bay (30 miles north) for dinner (rather then Mon brunch) - Hotel 6, no fridge?!? Shit.. but my choice not to go back and ask for diff room.. it's all my choice..
 I like that $$ has been set aside all year - no stress over hotels/meals..
 Have some time to hang in Newport..
 Mon: Reedsport, Florence, Yachats, Waldport, Newport.. seal caverns somewhere, Devil's Punchbowl I think.. lots between Coos Bay - Newport.. only ~100 miles.. my mind is not used to this, but all is well - during dinner I was feeling weirder out, stressed, crazy -  toasted several times to all going well - I may not be 'happy' but life is good and everything is okay.. normal life stresses,, deconstructing.. as I relax into vacation brain, stuff that work distracts me from is there.. emptiness, disappointments, broken relationships, isolation, disliking myself for what I can't do etc.. natural,, there's nothing wrong.. I'm human that's all.. a good meal, a soft bed, a good car, money in the bank, people who love me and who I love.. this is all good.. I am happy.. this is as good as it gets..
 9:17.. pot, laptop, TV.. tomorrow I can do whatever I want.. move photos from phone & cam into laptop, uploaded ~6...
+++++
 Sun July 15.18 Motel 6 Gold Beach 10:18am
 Processing - using opportunity of boss inserting her control into my off-time.. Speak with integrity, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, always do your best, etc - her stuff has nothing to do with me, it's about her stuff, her job, her needs - I'd be doing her a favor to call in Tues or Wed. I could call from a payphone so she can't call me back).. Use this opportunity to learn - it's all good. I'm doing great. Didn't eat enough Sat, probably dehydrated, too -
 But pretty painless drive - sleep ~11(?), 2 hits of indica, watch baseball game - nothing much else on.. TV, ugh.. oh but wait, yes, I found Avengers super hero shows - oh, finally something good.. see how my personal prejudices fool me: mock popular culture, TV shows, but comic book action movies are boss! Get down off - or at least be aware of - my need for self aggrandizement / ego feeding. It's all good. We're all just a bunch of morons. Everyone thinks they're cool. Hah hah.
 Anyway - sleep okay I think, some restlessness, but up @8:30.. anxious mind.. probably from hunger and unstructured time.. I'm going to miss something! No.. I'm not. Relax. Enjoy. Smoothie, hotel coffee, went for seconds asked counter lady about drive up river - she says there's a bridge 15miles up I can cross and loop back - perfect! "That's very helpful. Thank you!" Shower, pack, just had mideast salad - that's helping a lot! PBJ for road.
 10:30.. enjoying sitting here.. anything else? Time to head up the river.. yesss.. coolll....
 ~175 miles, 4 hrs, to Newport.. 2 days to do it hahahaha. Perfect... stop everywhere I like.. eat big salads... phone search for mideast / falafel restaurants..
 Was all fogged in - just looked up from photoshopping LisCam nudes - sun out,. cool.. here we go
+++++
 Sat July 14.18 Gold Beach Hotel 6 7:42pm
 Mostly driving, left Oakland ~9, stopped in SR to see Eric for 20-30minutes, dropped off couple Elmore Leonard books and some CBD pot; music from Gil's iPod huge help, few stops, to pee, check grocery stores, look for Mexican clothing place, Paul Bunyan & Blue statues, send phone photos, Native American museum, ice cream cone - hot!..
 Traffic not bad - noticed hotels w/no vacancies in Crescent City, then Brookings.. called Hotel 6 from Brook - thank you phone assistant - held their last room, she called back -~$110 total - no problem! A bit frantic and hungry - sushi breakfast, turkey sandwich lunch, dried fruit, small box from WF hot bar - better go out get more, gas car.. but hey! I'm here - felt better soon as I got into OR.. psychological, but also, less wires, poles, billboards.. yes.. now 2 days to get to Newport, tho I could get there tomorrow and hang out for a day! And Fern Grove close to Parri's town, but that would mean fast drive leaving OR Fri..
 Lv Oceanside Fri 11 am.. 8hrs to Orick? Fern Grove Sat am, Parri in Arcata afternoon.. then either head home, or hotel somewhere, Sun sushi w/Eric.. too much? Probably have to skip Parri unfortunately - couldn't be helped, she wasn't free today.. Probably 2 days to get to Willits Sat - w/quick Arcata visit, Sun Eric -
 Work stuff quickly fading from mind - no worse than it ought to be.
 Cool breeze - jacket, pot, gas car, grocery store for snack food, berries (?).. yes - good start - in a pretty good space mentally, but remember to eat!
 9:50pm
 Chevron for $53 gas (!), grocery store: pudding, crackers/hummus, blueberries, apple, 4mins to south end of town ~8:30, big rocks, rocky beach, good surf - eat crackers/ hummus - that helped! Eat more!! Forgot the pot! Bummer - a slight high would have been nice. Walked in surf, skipped rocks, non-dramatic sunset - cool, windy - but hey! Back towards hotel, u-turn nr driveway, lights on in small decorative bridge towers - drive cross, park in front of dark creepy grocery-type store - walk cross bride - ~1/2mile? If I'd gotten high, prob would not have walked bridge, stretched legs, got the fresh air - seen shit - taken photo inside the lit bridge deco rooms. Note hotels on river - maybe stay some time? Tomorrow? Roads, buildings inland along river - want to explore! Dark dusk, cool - I could stay another night and 'do' Gold Beach - or spend some time here tomorrow morning, explore beaches, drive a few miles up the river? Could, Just saying.
 10:07 - getting tired - bit of pot.. TV.. sleep..
 Long'ish day with a good ending.. gas, food, beach, sunset, bridge walk.. guy at hotel saw Rancho Nicasio jacket, said he'd seen Elvin Bishop there - I said me, too - nice..
+++++
 Sat July 14.18 nm
 Headed to OR - Tue pm did laundry, Fri pm Bowl for fruit, sushi, sandwich etc - hang w/Buff, do most packing, car loading (coats, pillow), sleep rough, woke ~2(?), then prob sleep more than I realized after, feel okay - shower, hair, finished pack, all food, turn fridge down to let ice melt(?), toiletries, mostly Mexican shirts and shorts, sandals, boots, bringing some stuff to leave behind, 2 books, no bike - rent a water boat in Seaside!
 Finished E Leonard's early Big Bounce.. kind of bad, nearly unpublished, but fun now I'm a fan..
 Nomad, coffee and eat sushi box.. now bathroom break and head out shortly.. I have 4.5 days to drive <12 hours.. once I get to Oregon, it will be slow going.. visit small towns, check map for parks, sights etc.. Mon & Tues pm Newport, inland to see Sooz.. Wed Newport to Oceanside.. 9 nights in Oside..8 days.. that'll work..
 Okay.. shit then hit road - got screw-into cup-place phone holder  & cassette adaptor to play Gil's iPod.. if it works .. music makes such a big diff.. but.. free time.. no work.. beautiful coast.. sunsets.. meals.. eat good food when I can.. avoid Chinese.. bad reactions.. look for mideast places..
 Yeah, mideastern meals is new this year.. keep an eye out for falafel places.. my body is not used to crap
 Past the Gil grief body pain.. yay!
 Listened to Laurel Canyon over and over last night. missing Scott touched by sound of voice, compassion which be sings even snarky lyrics..
 Okay.. road time.. :-) 3 days to get to Newport.. hmmm
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 K said she'd considered retiring me $$, I said thank you, generous, can't accept while she is caring for Xo..
 This is life. Cool.
+++++
 Fri July 13.18 nm
 Training this morning; set up for vacation - phone/email - training info to teammates - boss wants me on 'mandatory' dept mtg call Tues.. meh? Standard boss freak out losing control during vacations.
 Sat-Mon to Newport.. 3 days, go slow, visit small towns, coast, stores.. Tue inland & back to visit Sooz.. Wed to Oceanside.. Fern Valley nr Crescent City.. try to visit EOD Sat, stay in Brookings or something? General anxieties about driving, not known where gonns stay, what to do in Oside to avoid sodden boredom.. be brave, be strong, be myself.. breath, relax, eat good food, heal, let my mind and body rest.. last couple years dealing w/friends' illness and deaths.. this year ought to be more.. serene, and more mature..
 Yes babe..
 Lovers like it when I call them 'babe' during sex, during orgasm.. oh, babe.. "You're a great fuck." in right circumstances: perfect compliment.. who doesn't want to be considered a great lover.. I am told my inventiveness is good, willing to try new things, explore what works and doesn't.. well, yes.. who doesn't want to explore an amazing woman's body? Hill, valleys, and hidden chambers. Women tell me I really enjoy women.. well, again, yes.. what is not to enjoy, warmth, responsiveness, moisture, slick lipped valleys fingers thumbs slip into easily, naturally..
 Ok - in early to train.. usually leave Nomad 8:10, home 8:18 to arrive 9, to day I leave ~10mins till 8 to get in 15min early. Bowl last night, sushi for breakfast for training energy.. ate it surreptitiously here at Nomad.
 Getting into vacation mode..
 Thurs did 3 1hr Partner trainings almost back-to-back - began to lose focus on 3rd "Did I already say this?" - but got it done. Good individual contacts. Cool. Yes. Training, teaching. My thing. Nice. Fortunate.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Wed July 11.18 bed 8:50pm
 In early this morning, bed early tonight - since in early, took extra <wk time to do laundry.. come home from vacation to nice clean bed, etc
 Bulk pick up w/Buff - finally got rid of Camry roof rack, and small fridge from side alley - can clean out growth/vines etc now -
 Vacation is tedious, boring, uncomfortable.. alone, with few distractions, you face yourself, adjust to 'Can I live with myself?" perspective; that's only for weeks. Months, year's'd be tougher still - or not. Tough at times, but yeah, sure - that's a challenge I'd like to take on. If I must. No, well, anyway..
 Got high.. bye..
+++++
 Tue July 10.18 nm
 Realize I'm uncertain what days I'm in oside - check at work.. calculate trip home & Sooz visit.. good to have some structure I think..
 Managed two 2hr trainings yesterday - finished E Leonard Western page turner.. now what?
 Hummingbirds, chatting with Biff, arms/knees better after months/years of Losing Gil-related pain..
 Main reason to bring bike to OR is one afternoon in Seaside - rent one instead. Pedal boat?
 Hydrate. Salad, veggies, dried fruit.. relax, luxuriate, showers.. wash clothes, hang to dry on porch.. breath into reality.. be there with it.. stare into abyss.. see sunshine.. breath...
 Trump's got Supreme Court.. we are well and truly fucked.. thanks holier-than-thou progressives... oh, well..
 When did Gil die? Jan 25? WTF
 All my focus on OR now.. don't forget anything.. relax but also do things and enjoy.. move, train ride to Rockaway Beach.. do things, walk, small hit of pot/stroll beach.. eat good food.. my usual life, in beautiful place.. tho I sat in back yard this morning with smoothie, stared out through yard into neighbor's yards see how I'm surrounded by natural beauty.. so much better than ugly expensive boxed apartment.. I am blessed and very fortunate..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
+++++
 Mon July 9.18 nm
 Sun salad lunch, lv for Nicasio ~2:30, ez traffic, sunny/beautiful/lite breeze - v nice. Small/moderate crowd for Peter Rowan's bady - Rowan Bros open extra good - Peter is amazing, his voice and guitar playing. Like a family gathering - old-time some Hank, fewer 60s stoner songs - bit of Salsa swing in Panama Red.. extended Land of Navajo yodeling.. left during No Woman No Cry.. Tired of Marley covers.. 3 margaritas & salmon.. sipped w/3 bottled waters.. careful not to make myself even lightly hungover or groggy this morning - 1 hit of indica.. sleep ~10:30? Woke ~3 to pee.. some restlessness, lots of sleep, came out of dreams, turned over, snuggled back under pillows..
 Beautiful day & location, good BBQ, ez-parking, friendly wait-staff, excellent music intimate backyard.. good time, relaxing, comfortable.. audience loose, friendly, joking in porta-potty line/chair neighbor.. ez drive home.. WF soup/hot meal, sunscreen spray - soup/bread dinner w/Buff back..
 Groggy Monday morning, but otherwise cool.. mentally/physically rested - two 2hr trainings today, navigate lunch between - 12:31-1:01.. have not done 2x in one day before.. bit anxious, but likely to go well..
 Interesting time.. left upper arm & knees feeling better (right weak/tender).. figured 2016-18 weakness/pain was a sign of aging, likely to continue/worsen.. now seems it was related to Gil's long illness/suffering/death.. holding in my grief, trying to be strong/present for them.. Holding it in.. who knows? Guilt about my life being relatively easy, while Sooz & Karen were going through rough times (surgery & post-surgery depression/divorce/losing house).. also, when their lives are rough, I am supporter, and get less support from others..
 .. anyway, maybe things are lightening up.. my body feeling better.. good... yard looking great..  mid-summer..
 Vacation is simply unstructured time... where you in small ways find out who you are without work diving up your time.. driving, arriving, eating, walking, sitting.. filling or not filling one's time.. lots of time online.. distracting oneself with sexy flirting.. memories.. memories.. creative play even.. usually I'd take photos, photoshop @hotel, upload for fb.. lately use only phone for photos.. bring camera.. use it.. yes.. better control..
 Don't lose car keys.. don't be careless.. be alert.. take precautions.. do things I enjoy..
+++++
 Sun July 8.18 nm
 Relaxed morning - feels good.. sleep ~11? - wake ~6:30, snooze/sleep till 8, straight into shower/wash hair, smoothie.. having OR trip so close is nice.. hours by the ocean, that's all - Parri not around so no Arcata, maybe on way home? Google says ~7hrs to Gold's Beach.. can do that with several stops, make good time.. main thing, long day visit Sooz, allow for 3hrs driving - 2 nights in Newport? 4 days on road I think.. says 2hrs from Newport to Oceanside.. work out a loose schedule...
 4 days on road.. 4/12 really.. so..
 Sat Gold beach or whatever..
 Sun Florence
 Mon Newport
 Tues Sooz, Newport
 Wed.. Newport to Oside (9 nights)
 Something like that - some towns I haven't stayed in before.. just have time for Sooz.. maybe that river barge she mentioned..!
 It looks like I leave Oside Thurs am.. which means I could do
 Thurs Coos Bay or something
 Fri Gold Beach
 Sat pm Arcata pm
 Sun Parri breakfast.. home
 Too much scheduling around visiting friends, women? Or is that most important thing I will never regret. Yes. Total looseness can be too much - friends most important. Leave Sat.. 4 days on road.. sometimes book rooms in advance?
 Wondering why I have not received car cassette adaptor & phone holder - realized have not seen emails confirmation - just checked, yep - did not finalize order - out through - maybe receive before Sat?
 Summertime - yes thank you.
 10am - do I eave for Pt Reyes stroll by 11, Nicasio BBQ by 4? or chill here at home, continue enjoying rest/cottage/yard clean so it is nice when I leave/get home. Yeah - this chill is really working for me.. K settling into King's Lynn - that feels good, too.. Sooz better, healing after winter surgery.. ~8months since Mom's death.. healing..
 Morning shower, noticed left arm backward flexibility virtually same as right arm, pain point upper front arm barely noticeable - tender if fingers hard into spot.. so was this all about months, years of knowing Gil was dying? Maybe.. fear.. anxiety.. survivable.. life is still good in spite of it..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Home to eat - Bowl for week's groceries.. clean cottage.. lv for Nicasio ~2:30?
 Oregon, trick is balance sluggish chill inward do-nothing, with exploring/fun stuff/healthy eating.. did it last year.. whatever.. bring blender and small grill...
 --home-- 1pm
 Uploading random to tumblr blog: Noted variety of models: White, Jewish, Mexican, Chinese, Korean, Philippine - tall, short - slender; fair enough - visible bone structure, flesh stretches between catches light - concave, not convex.. young - 20s - as was I. Also note that, newest being ~1993 - 25yrs ago: I'm no longer concerned so much about privacy - no one would likely see these, recognize them now in their 50s. Time passes. Anyway - they are beautiful posed art shots, not private or erotic/personal. Time passes.

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 Sat July 7.18 II bed 9:30pm
 ~1pm head to Bank, stop @La Pena crowded sidewalk event - Frida Birthday? - lots of booths, lots of Frida, pretty Hispanic girls, buy a Frida painter skeleton in box for $45 - I think I like it. Bank for $300,  - hot day! feeling good, relaxed, clear, rested - wk training lined up, vacation coming up - getting some serenity? - Steve Ditko just died; memories of his art - Spiderman, & esp Dr. Strange - lately I've been enjoying fb comic book groups - connected - a loss - value of pop culture - imagination ; North Berk PEET's for Mocha smoothie on steps of Quaker place I went to AA (for how long - I sometimes think 2-3 years - was it?)- ; Sushi place closed, Saul's crowded, book store.. - chicken enchilada/watermelon aqua in alley place, sit on porch - nice! Lovely day - cool breeze softened heat - still a sweaty day.
 Downtown - comic book store & 1/2 priced books - drooled a little over Taschen collection of Tank Girl artist Hewlit (sp?) - 2 Elmore Leonards(!) from 1/2 Price. It's fun having favorite authors, being excited when finding a new book - 'cause you know it's going to be fun! (Loaned one to Buff.) Bowl for salad, soup, deodorant, Forgot eggs!
 At home.. nice heavy relaxing dreamy nap for ~30mins. Nice relaxing summer day. Eat room-temperature, spicy Vietnamese catfish rice soup in backyard & read more of Leonard's Last Stand western in back yard - never read in backyard - must be a good sign - plus I was at a really tense stand-off scene and had to know.
 With my GT photo getting fb ad attention, causing a relaxed mini-GT reunion on fb, and Madonna tweeting etc Frida with gun - I'm enjoying pleasant attention.
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 Sat July 7.18 nm
 <wk Fri laundry - mentally tilting toward OR vacation in one week - get clothes clean now - bring bike? I think yes - even if only 1 or 2 uses, in Seaside.. 4 days is a long time to be on the road - there will be boredom.. that's okay..
 Thought maybe Santa Rosa today - I'd like to see Eric & have a sit down meal, but very hot, needing rest before this last training-heavy week before OR.. I could justify if I was going to Sonoma then back for meal, but..
 .. sleep ~10:45.. woke ~6:30.. back to sleep/snooze comfy till 10am! So, rest.. yes.. inconsistency/lack of transparency/sharing at work causes uncertainty/anxiety.. stay away from it.. act on what I know.. it has always been this way, from Taf on down at least.. slow to share pertinent info.. change what I can (do my best), accept what I can't change.. 'twas always thus.. enjoy.. be happy, yes - even at work!
 Last Stand Elmore Leonard western very fun so far!
 Madonna Instagramed/tweeted Frida with gun.. I'm probably crazy not to at least sell cards/fridge magnets.. signed prints.. make a few thousand in the limited target base..
 Noon.. no plans today.. hang, chill.. $$ from bank.. eggs from Farm Mkt.. relax and enjoy.. put aside one whole day for Sooz visit..
 Took a timer selfie in training room, sent to L.. I am not skinny at all, maybe not "Fat", but husky, a big guy..  okay.
 Anything else..? nooo.. quick shower at home.. bank fm mkt.. eat! Nice of day to chill yes..
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today.
 Oh - and Sun afternoon Peter Rowan B-day BBQ - take it easy on drinks! 2x I've woken up next day not 100% energetic/brain-powered - treat myself well, have this last post-vacation week go smoothly - so I can start OR vacation on good foot.. 16 days w/no work.. um, yes!
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 Fri July 6.18 nm
 Thurs pm Restless/tense before training - as is often case - tho it's easy 2hr CORE, so why? Standing in front of people? Yeah, not 100% comfy.. whatever.. Bowl after wk for berries, sushi (for pre-training), salad - $50 sushi dinner downtown, ate slow, chilled, breath.. 'sleep' ~10:15.. up ~3-4am(?), then more sleep.. not as good as an all-night 7hrs, but enough.. when I think of it as something I enjoy/can be happy about, it's better... just.. people! brr-r-r-r-.. :-D Once I am in 'role' of trainer, I relax - that I can do. Get admin out of the way - focus on job as trainer.
 Mon 2 2hr trainings AM & PM.. 4hrs is okay..
 Sat meal in SR w/Eric
 Sun Peter Rowan bday BBQ @Nicasio..
 ah, so yes.. all the things I wanted/want - yard, friends, skylight, life in order - car, bills, savings.. all good, not how I expected! Of course not! But got it all - fulfilled wishes are pleasant.. sex is the big problem, ultimate desire, and there's no way (most of us) will ever get enough.. as early Berkeley joker man said,
 "The more you fuck, the more you want to fuck!" So anxiety about that, etc - normal, unavoidable. It's okay.. we are built to survive not getting all pleasure and sex we want..
 But there's no value in beating ourselves up over stuff that doesn't matter...
 Mental anticipation/prep for training affecting sleep - take more time to get it all together at work, so I can leave it there. Last night just 1 hit of the new indica - 2-3his I was waking up groggy..
 Finished Chitlin Circuit book, gave to Marketing friend Peter R, who appreciates rock music.. picked out E Leonard western novel.. fun!
 Breath. Relax. I like touching *s pussy. Tempted sometimes to pay  a girl to let me touch her.. but without love, it's kinda useless and painful. Some part of pleasure of nude photography was touching a girl - with: eyes, ears, pheromones, control (money, vocals commands), occasional fingertip adjustments - so yeah, maybe, and safe - no emotion, no lies - that part was understood at some level; model also was in on that enjoyment, being seen, treated like art, told how to pose, enjoyed in naked non-sexual innocence - what was it |
 "Usually if one is naked with another person it is for sex; to be naked with another person to make art is a rare, unique pleasure."
 Cool fun.
 Up @6:30, wank, smoothie in backyard, shower, Nomad morning coffee/internet, decent shit, work. 8:07am.
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 Thu July 5.18 nm
 Wed was fun.. kind of floppy, stoned sleep.. but got some.. beautiful day, bit of bad air from Yolo fires.. hit the yard late morning..
 Mostly chop back sidewalk stuff to free up space.. cut back pretty far, but looks good, not hacked at.. tidy.. filled green bin.. Buff/DJ came out, showed them recent additions (Zinnias, mini-pumpkins), suggested we water less (cucumber leaves turning yellow), showed how mini-red rose had gotten taller (has been hidden by lower buffacado foliage), took red solar lights off buffacado (where they barely showed), placed them in side path, strung in trees, wrapped around side gate.. (checked them last night, they look very cool!).
 Quick nap ~2, shower, salad - lv ~3 for Nicasio zydeco show.. more impressed this time.. it's a dance party, so it's good time dance music - not gut-bucket authentic bla bla - Mike (of the front counter) sang a couple and rocked!, and Bob's wife sang a few - good times.. yeah, 1st set was good, 2nd set they took off further.. 2 top shelf margaritas, 2 bottled waters, pulled pork & salmon combo.. dropped by car during break (?) for 1 hit of indica to see how that went.. seemed fine, barely noticed.. chatted with folks behind me etc.. when I arrived I'd poked around for various places to slip into, but it was crowded, some made noise about having gotten there early.. Angela placed me in front of 2 women who were cool about it.. later in the day, near the end, a RN worked woman told me "Angela said we should just hold a place for you (since we know you're going to come)" - aww.. benefits of being a regular, who obviously loves the place and spends my hard-earned $$ there..
 IMs w/niece Lisa between sets - she in Napa, might need a recommendation from me for job.. video clip to LJ.. many little contacts I'm barely aware of that fill the cracks and are real life - between the wake -up, shit, shower, shine, job, eat, sleep... ha ha..
 Yard looking good.. leave side weed-whacking for Buff - July 12 big pick up for small fridge next to cottage and Sooz's roof rack in pathway..
 Cleared out books/clothes previously.. CD drawer next.. anything beneath bed can go out? I know Hi-8 videos/screen need to get from beneath book shelf to beneath bed.. but I don't do it.. hmp..
 Okay.. nice mid-week break July 4 holiday..
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
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 Wed July 4.18 nm
 "nite - think about me while you play with the V ;-P *"
 "Maybe--have to concentrate too much--wait--I did the last time. Just remembered. I couldn't tell you."
 Saved conv Chrissie Cata July 2012.. 6yrs ago almost to day. Can't pick it to pieces, one reason, one event - vacation. Our reconnect was part of whole life facebook, my photos, dealing with strong sexual feelings in reconnects, how to deal honestly but respectfully, connected to Frida w/gun.. which cam first? Dunno. Doesn't matter.. life goes one, happening while we make other plans.. this breath nomad chair typing.. life.. all around.. within, without..
 From the early, early mornin' till the early, early night
 You can see miss Molly rockin' at the house of blue light.
 Not necessary to be too hard on oneself - 'course Mom&Dad were w/their religion, things mattered - everything mattered! - their eternal souls were at stake.. words.. like folk wisdom: live like this is your last day, but plan for long life. Maybe there is no God or afterlife, but to live like there is gives focus.
 “Depend upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.” Sam Johnson
 But once the child sees through the lie - the use of foolery with such a serious subject - trust is forever damaged.
 Reconnect with Chrissie went well, one might say. After initial caution - worked through teenage pain/sexuality/confusion - to adult comfort, understanding, sharing, flirting, generating to creative. communicative, humorous healing energy. We both got to work through so much, made her life better - brought in some light - before she died Jan 2013.
 Reconnect w/Pat Kolirak not as well - or - one might say - perfectly -; we got to look at it, was not correct, as in 71-72. , I was slower to get it, she not interested as I'd hoped in first down pant leg orgasm during our tight hugging on concrete Coffee House steps winter waiting for Mom - she said 'nope! to me and my ideas'. I respected that. Good, disappeared. No regrets.
 LynRos - UCD - much more intense.. in end I was not interested in physical consummation, mostly fulfillment via titillation/controlled space/wish fulfillment . Disappointment on her end - slowly I learn, words matter. Intense sexual shares. Long macro videos.
 Also Lindie from UCD.. G's girl.. rebound.. my kindness & memories of 1980 sexual vibes misunderstood as present interest - I thought I should be open to it - but needed to learn not to be too open when there's so much uncertainty/physical/cultural distance.
 Mainly I did not build ego on these shares/reconnects - I was happy for healing.
 Anyway... Tues 6hr wk day.. today free.. perhaps some yard work, afternoon BBQ Zyedgo..
 Phone chat w/Sooz last night,, we both tired.. talk about Karen's move to KL - local bird activity, yards, music etc - plan visit ~3rd/4th day of OR trip in 2 weeks..
 Budget in decent shape.. extra $$ from Mom/Dad, couple K from GT pic, 3 paycheck June.. being less generous in general... ~82 actual.. 77 post-predictable expenses - ~90 EOY, 23 PTOs, use 10 for OR, earn 10 more by EOY.
 Good to sit, stew/soak in memories - what comes to mind - is it real? Was real to me.
 Sinking into quiet time, quiet working class life.. all good. I'm a good fit. Do not hate myself for things I am not. Love myself for doing well as best Robert I know how.
 Home.. yard needs attention.. I need to pay attention to yard..
 Last night, 2x new pot - pretty dopey (?), had colored lights going and blue lamp.. drop out ~10:30.. too doped to get up turn out lights.. ~1-2am finally did it.. slept well overall till 7.. super chill..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Do I want a woman's attention - maybe yes/no - but note examples listed above - I learned to watch out for need for female/sexual/mothering attention, and hesitate when I see myself about to play that card. Good. Learning. Not an asshole.
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 Mon July 2.18 nm
 Yellow glow yesterday morning ash on cars last night - fires in Yolo county.
 Spent much of afternoon in bed, internet, napped - errands/yard tidy done Sat, a day off to chill - nice! Popped 1/2 Viagra just because it was there.. yep.. random erections during day.. put another nose strip on last night (after one last week with lots of gunk!), very little pulled out - which just goes to show..
 ~5 downtown to same Shattuck sushi as Sat afternoon - which seems to have gotten better? - Salmon teriyaki, sake & flaming fire roll.. actually on fire for ~5-10mins.. that was fun.. trying new things.. tasty & warm! 1/2 Priced books & choc gelato.. because I wanted to..
 Weekends for getting away from work, letting mind go.. inevitable stress of work/boss/church/parents/father issues.. getting high.. can't be on work mode all time...
 Woke ~3am stressed - some kind of 'caught in affair' stress dream, chastised by annoyed lover - "you're going to be heard", with work stress dream - don't recall details - woke thinking I'd been awoken by something is real life.. noisy raccoons on roof? Two specific stress points.. alongside general low-key "what ifs" everyone deals with.. all quiet on the Nuria front..
 I guess all employees kept on edge, fear of failing at job.. required to do something they can't, pushed beyond capabilities, Peter Principle.. 'reach highest level of incompetence'? that's what I'm feeling.. normal.. does not mean anything is wrong.. just doing admin organization I have to learn, that does not come naturally.. it's okay. I do my job well; learning new stuff pretty quickly.
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 Sun July 1.18 nm
 Sleep ~11pm - woke ~8am weird overcast yellow glow, similar to Sat dusk.. heat wave bad air? A bit dream-like - tried the new India last night - did not note much high, but maybe more than I realized.. Buff said it got him plenty high (we chatted in backyard late afternoon, and he asked for a hit)..
 Asian hardware for goggles, whacker string, light bulbs - put whacker together, it works - kind of intense w/out protector hood, gets job done..
 Rent check taped to back window.. 570.. 350 20yrs ago when I first moved in.
 10:17am - can do anything - head north for meal with Eric.. or yard work/more cottage cleaning. Drive might be okay, see Eric? Chill also okay. Hmmm... head home, eat, then think... could even run over to Nicasio for afternoon show (Blues Broads/Sons of Soul Revivers) tho I am not thrilled by idea.. good to have options, in case feel need for activity..
 Getting rid of large ceramic abalone shell; chopped Ficus, that grew large, back to leafless stump.. I expect it'll grow out.. planted three plants in front yard: Australian bush w/pretty red flowers, sage where old sage was, mini-pumpkins in front of cucumbers.
 Okay. Home. Eat.
 Papen + West wall.

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 Sat Jun 30.18 II
 Good day so far
 Worked front yard late morning: cleared out dried day-lilies (salmon flowers), raked, chopped back buffacado tree, pulled lots of Bermuda grass, watered, weeded, esp around roses etc.. nice, looks great! Water back. IMs w/K at party/day of move to KL. Bank deposit @2K GT/FB check, $300 cash; Telegraph/People's Park - on way pass memory spot, church where I slept w/out sleeping bag, Adrienne's place, how I moved in too soon 1st night back from Boston, her cute ass, standing with her back to me and me in bed not getting hard at sight - like I thought a man should - wishing it was that easy and fun; drop off 4 shirts @ Park - guy on bike right there grabbed heavy green one; Farm Mkt - big immigration rally, got perfect parking cnr of Mkt, 2 dozen eggs/basket of raspberries/3 fun plants for front yard; back to Telegraph, Peet's mocha frap - it's a hot one! - good parking all day, walking past the homeless hostiles around park - Moe's, rare books top floor - sit in staircase trying to get a photo -
 - hungry! Shattuck sushi place - salmon teriyaki/dragon roll/soup & cold sake - did the trick - wanted more alcohol, stop at rock club on corner - Cornerstone? - almost looked like fun - small!! Full bar! Decided not to drink more - yuck. Bowl for salad.
 Now check weed whacker for size, back to hardware store for key copy, sponge, plastic weed hacker string & protective eye goggles.
 I note that office/work politics not distracting me from doing what I want, making progress, taking care of my life & friends, having fun/good luck. Therefore it is not a big deal.
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