LIST FOR TOP OF PAGE UNTIL ALL DONE:
Will: End-of-life, who gets:
Get rid of old fridge
Read Bible front to back
Sell Frida pics on Etsy
Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home.
Sat Apr 21.18 laundry 6pm
Right knee... Farm Mkt ~12:30, eggs, Tibetan lunch.. blueberry bush, 2
6-packs of Cosmos colorful flowers.. Spiral Garden for 2 pairs of
cucumbers, 2 chamomile, one of those fuzzy succulents? Tripped on
greenhouse doorstep, twisted weak knee trying to catch myself, but
off balance, not far from falling over.. knee hurt.. still can walk
easily tho.. carefully, slowly...
..stop at Shattuck medical supplies place, been there since '88 - I
thought since '70s! - $40 cane, $70 knee brace - extra large...walk
through used car you-sell-it lot..
Plant plants, but knee a problem, I can squat/band knee - sit cross-legged
- getting up/down, pressure hurts.. like, can't do it.. humm..
Blueberry bush in back with other one, so maybe two will work better
fruit-bearing-wise, cosmos in small bed between my path & concrete
bench, cucumbers in front yard - 2 each under tomato cages - last
year's front/back Tiger Lilies sprouting, volunteer in hanging pot
showing - old fuzzy succulent + new one in new pot - dirt was really
hard.. see if it survives.. I think it is from Taylor!?
Pulled some succulents out of back bed (used space for blueberry bush..
angrybirds/mideast salad (w/work pretzels) in white plastic chair by
fence.. dishes and trash -
- need something to do, so doing laundry even tho don't really need to,
but if I'm gonna sit around on internet, may as well: bed clothes,
green blanket, towels, PJs... I also just like having laundry
After, bowl for salad/food/soup (?), thinking...
Um. time to get serious.. denial at some point becomes untenable..
everyone does it, fine.. but... knees have been getting weaker for
years, hip/knee pain around Gil's death (but not around Mom's?)..
buying my first cane is.. an emotional numbness... I expected more
anger, sadness, upset.. but more like, have to make adjustments,
just to get to work, get through days... once I've taken care of
life business, then deal with emotional side... do I need to talk to
a therapist? About aging, health, death of friend and family...
weight... self-care... what is available through work healthcare?
Check into it.. I may need physical and mental therapy...
New dept head is a pain point... but getting better all the time... so it
is not a problem... if it gets bad, I can approach Randy, then her,
and if necessary escalate it to global/regional... so there is a
solution.. so it is an issue, not a problem... let it go... she is
not going to fire me.. what can she do? Aside from use a demeaning
tone of voice, she has no actual power over me, to affect my life
negatively, so long as I do not give cause to termination - I am
well-engaged and respected by the client in SF - so no
negativity from me, no argument, no anger, no tension, no snark, no
"wise-ass" tone... do job best I can, avoid contact whenever
possible, when she makes contact, listen, respond professionally,
but don't engage.. cool. Be cool.
Call doc on Mon.. appt to discuss knee, cat-scans.. therapist...
it's bad if I can't take stairs.. or bike.. I still have hope
there's a 'cure'... wait for cat-scans.. meantime.. get real..
Meditate, stretch, eat right, less snacking, watch weight... cook at
home.. be happy.. do things I enjoy.. walk more... I'm going okay,
saving, paying bills, etc. Yardwork is a great gift.
Sat Apr 21.18 nm
Thurs am smog/windshield wipers/battery in Camry - pm
Rockridge sushi boat ~8pm - leave home, eta back =
~40mins? Boats floating by with food are soothing and fun...
Sleep somewhat improved, knee somewhat better but still rough kneeling
etc.. it has been this way for a while, years? but can't ignore it
now.. so read up on what to do to help... I notice now walking to
from work, middle aged/old people with canes, hobbled walk... my
knee wrap does nothing really... going up down stairs is easier, or
I'm getting used to stiff right-leg hopping, supporting myself on
railings.. it's not good...
But most all rest, eyes, ears etc good :-) well. 2.0 reading glasses - for
64 that's still good...
Easy Rider biker short fiction is cheap stupid junk.. for cheap stupid
youth... something about it rings true and honest (or maybe just an
honest depiction of the wastrel losers we romanticized)... biker
mama getting done by whole crew, recruit's final test - nosily
eating her out after - is pretty gross.. but that's test.. you do
anything for your crew... feel kind of dirty/shamed after reading
it.. brings back memories of 70s.. youth.. looking for a way out of
No way out...
Fri pm Forgot to eat dinner.. angrybirds, Bowl for fruit/pudding...
3-4 hits, nice and high, various youtube... registered Camry at
work... talked to bank lady, Thurs Xo acct rollover... close
Less facebook, but still lots.. my life is quiet, in some ways isolated..
fb provides illusion of community, knows how to addict, fire
synapses... using it to stay in touch is good... super grateful for
Buff/DJ.. lovely yard smoothie this morning sun coming through
neighbor's fence, warm enough now for breakfast in yard and light
up ~6 for internet, back to snooze till ~8.. Farm Mkt, yard work, maybe
Mech bank to do Xo stuff...
Getting out of town necessary.. maybe not today.. Maybe Sunday... SR or
something.. today, let's be day of rest, clean cottage, do dishes,
empty trash bins, weed beds.. plant raspberry bush.. plenty to do..
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Have started saying that again, have
started gnawing on my own irritating bones instead of new dept
head/stuff to learn.. good sign... make appt w/doc for
cat-scans/whatever he recommends... physical therapy... maybe AARP
has suggestions..? Do an overnight in Santa Cruz some day...
Thus am I felt half-dead, so brain fried I worried about my ability
to function.. took pics in work elevator, looked dead in some.. pale
in white light, relaxed features... realized later I'd taken 2 of
doc's "sleeping pills".. think that was why.. no more of that...
yuck... I'd rather be tired than drugged...
Nov 30. 2017 10:30am.. there we go.. been wanting to add this
screenshot... Mary IM'd early am saying Mom's time was near, Tom & I
drove over but false alarm... I knew it was "it", nurses said so,
but added 'might' because you never know... it seemed to take them
forever to get arrive, I was in a state, no idea was I crying
outloud when nurses slipped out, closing door behind them.. then we
all broke down as a family...
Thu Apr 19.18 nm Elmwood PEET's
In early Wed for WebEx.. busy, fucking out of it mentally from
sleep lack/tension - after wk, force
ass out of rocking chair (painfully stiff lower back hurts have to
get up carefully), walk to Bowl for fruit, way back stop at Plough for small
pepperoni/onion/pineapple pizza 1.5 IPAs - yum!! Sleep ~10?
Think I slept till ~3-4? "rest" till 6:30..
...up early for 7:30 Stauder's appt: smog, check fluids, replace windshield wipers..
drop car, leave keys, walk ~8mins to Peet's Alcatraz/College - up
that street is always cute sexy blonde artist daughter - her
sexy smile - who worked at Telegraph/Durant coffee place
w/Tom/Shelley(?) mid 80s. Naked in her small bedroom with too much
bright light pouring straight in, me too aroused to shoot well - tho
frustration of bad location hurt focus.
Beautiful cold morning..
X-ray stuff in email this morning.. nothing on upper left arm, noted
calcified lump in left breast; knees mainly okay, small sign of
early degenerative disease in right knee.. hmp.
Assume some stiffness body pain is stress related, and partial solution is
meditation, stretching, yoga - diet?
IM w/K on BART about Xo/E etc.
Video chat w/Sooz Tues pm - depressed post-surgery, but enjoys
yard, cats, etc.
Getting out last night, walking, sun out till ~8 felt great - improved mood
immediately - moving - more of that.
Weekend went to join Etsy - already have an account, from when
looking for porcelain? Now how and what to sell?
Went to bump up UBER cc, they already had, from 1.4 to 2.4.. oh..
Posted best sex gifs and some old nudes to tumblr.. uhh.. been here
before.. boring.. no value...
Went to get car, says battery reads dead, ~$180 to replace, now waiting
New work set-up training - used to be independent, doing more than
required - training stuff to new people.
Now training people who already know a lot - feels different! No more
being a Star(!), because we are all a 'Team', all equal, nail that
stands up gets hammered down.
My daily goal: do my job, don't get fired, keep up, get paycheck,
eat, pay bills/rent, time with friends online or face to face.
It's mostly work - walking to Peets/back/sitting - nice - but every day
forever? Major adjustment. Need goals - something to look forward
to. Or do I?
Tue Apr 17.18 nm
Sleep.. imperfect again.. but no knee pain etc.. lights out ~10, up ~4?
Snooze till 7.. ~6hrs/night..
Mon early to x-ray place in Telegraph.. upper left arm, and both
knees,, knees only from front - - very curious to see if visible
damage from 1982 Pete Townsend-style jumping landing on my
knees, on 1008 Snyder driveway (not grass which was tolerable)
morning of drive with Joan & Ed (?), from Davis to Berkeley, Tina's
place.. where I then got job at Wavy Gravy's Hog Farm phone service.
as well as Big Shot Photo Lab... ah, yes.. memories...
The Knee. Invulnerable youth.. then I think my cool
sunglasses blew off my face on way down... I was no doubt super
stressed/scared/freaked, big move, back to Berkeley w/no job..
borrowed $$ from Joan for rent in Tina's house.. jumped landed on
knee was part of mental imbalance freak out.. normal everyday
stresses... old age, body pain.. deal with it...
Whiners are annoying.. suck it up best I can. Take care of myself.. don't
expect tons of compassion from others.. that was Mom's job...
Changes at work beginning to settle in.. enjoying moments of feeling it is
routine so I can refocus on enjoying my off work life...
Reading short fiction from Easy Riders paperback.. good junk... but move
on to Bible..
And get rid of rocking chair?.. I think it makes it easy to sit/be lazy,
also not good for back...
Still once a month think seriously about asking Sarah W, Shelley's CCAC
Oakland artist friend, about paying to see her old sex videos/pics
made for long-distance lover... but did I ask already? Look into it;
if so, drop it forever. Please. It's one thing to be human, desire
rude pleasures - another to bother people about it.
Work will be fine.. new job intake and such fine. I need to learn morning
stuff since morning folks do it all, so have virtually no experience
with early morning job intake..
Mon Apr 16.18 nm
Yeah, I guess life is less fun, more painful, feels less worth it since
Gil & Mom died - add Scott to that - Happy Anniversary! - Gil &
Scott were the only two people I truly collaborated with, they knew
me as an artist, respected my skills, not ignoring my personality
flaws - and it's overcast, rainy.. hahah - thankfully the yard is
amazing, and tomatoes/strawberries, poppies planted, stretching
seems to be helping arms/knees, but still tender, stiff, unreliable
Sun ~2 Moe's got 2 books for Eric, rare pulp horror - 1 $50, walked out,
then other book called out - wth, he wants it - $240 - we regularly
spend more than that on sushi - Peet's mocha, stroll to campus,
Rasputin's, Gordo's for 2 crispy chicken tacos/beans/rice, turned
out eyes bigger than stomach, 1/2 to homeless guy.. salad from
Bowl.. Plough for a pint, watch kids play music onstage/families in
audience - what a great pub.. at home, angrybirds, Sooz called about
Xo's acct, whether pr not necessary for her to sign form.. maybe
not? Call bank today.. Talking to Sooz was good, isolated lonely
weekends not good... if knees keep hinder activities, hiking etc
more of a challenger...
Sleep ~10:30-5:30.. think I slept well.. trying for 7hr sleep good idea...
snooze till 6:30.. ~8 head to x-ray place.. ask about 1/2 day
Thurs before WEF off, and also Sept 4-day Jazz weekend...
Sun Apr 15.18 nm
Ohh.. there's that date - taxes done, Scott dead...
5 years stuck on my eyes
5 years what a surprise
5 years my brain hurts a lot
Five years that's all we've got
Sad sad loss, and nightmarish for his family.. damn Scott..
Sat: bit brain dead from wk stress, dizzy from dehydration(?),
Nomad, farm mkt: meat/eggs/strawberry/poppy plants, bank for cash
quarters, Telegraph, Moe's, rare book spot lots of Lovecraft - sent
pics to Eric to choose from, use both railings going down stairs,
read chunks of Big Book get weepy, tells me don't be afraid, fear
leads to drinking.. - I see all my fears about work in particular -
God will not throw anything at me I can't handle -
- Peets Mocha Frappocino yum!, home - decided no plant stuff yet for fear
of hurting back - stretch first.. internet, clear stuff off laptop,
most all Mek into storage, dishes, trash, angrybirds, ~7 small hits,
Plough for beer, good vibe, sound check interesting, order pizza,
share table, sip 2 IPAs.. pay to stay till ~10..that worked..
band starts at 9:15...
...water - wank.. sleep ~11, wake ~5.. snooze till 8..
What to do about work stress, body pain etc.. IM'd with K who is in
Vancouver, end of TED.. about our body pain...
For me - to help knees, overall peace of mind - lose weight, meditate,
physical therapy/ stretching... all those things
necessary like food, roof, clothing..
That list at top.. fridge/Etsy/bible/food -if it sits there and I
don't do it, leads to depression, anxiety.. do them or not...
Everyone fears failure at work, health etc.. meditate, eat well, sleep
well, spend time with friends, do my best in all things...
Clips my nails, stretch before & after planting tomatoes, strawberries,
$7K into Xo's account.. 5 from Sooz, 2 from me..
X-ray Mon am
Call auto place arrange for smog...
This a good life. Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Do not withdraw
from life. That buries stress/fear/anxiety, affects my
health/happiness.. Deal with it in light, head on.. I'll be fine..
not dealing with it does not make it neutral.. it hurts me/those
around me.. because I withdraw from them, too...
Okay - lovely day.. almost 10..
Sat Apr 14.18 nm
Beautiful morning - a bit dizzy in head - allergies..
Stretched in backyard - felt good - stiffness.. soft 'popping' in joints -
stretched both arms up, could do it! - not been able last year
or so - post-Gil illness/death - stiff point top of left arm still
there, some restricted movement, much better than 6mos ago... right
knee did not hurt last night, body felt fine in bed, walking is
fine, difficulty up/down stairs.. called doc office Fri to
check on adding knee to x-ray arm referral, they said adding knee to
arm referral had gone through, in mail last night..
.. Mon am to x-ray place for arm, knees.. then CAT scans...
Failing at work, old age/retirement/health failure/change.. normal
I won't fail at work
Social Security cushions me againt worst retirement fears - friends/family
Old age is far off - don't worry about future (or past) any more than
Health good, even with knee/body pains, they're not bad! - disappointing
if I can't bike/hike - wk health insurance is 'solution' - it is not
cancer/fatal.. small stuff..
All-in-all, I'm in a good position... have been in far worse... revel,
enjoy these times of comfort and relative serenity... this is as
good as it gets...
Many good things to enjoy - most 'worries' plaguing me will never happen,
right? This is being human - Focus on positive, now, good, here..
friends, food, roof, garden, Spring, weather, mornings, skylight, I
wanted to get up early/enjoy mornings: I do that.. Fun job doing
artsy stuff/teaching! Bosses are thorns on rose of good job - suck
it up and no whining - no one wants to hear it.
Fri Bed early again - then up sometimes in night - early - maybe
doing this wrong?.. for 7hrs sleep, I want ~11-6.. going to bed
@9:30-10 maybe too early - I'm in constant sleep catch-up mode..
stay up.. walk.. play in yard... try 11-6 or 7, see how it goes..
Losing Mom, esp. how we did, a large blow, still feeling it body, soul,
mind even tho I'm not conscious of it through day - when I think of
it home alone I cry dry tears.. it hurts bad.. have compassion for
myself.. there's no need, no benefit in trying to be tough & stoic..
feel it now..
Seems like since I tried viagra last month, I get better erections now, at
night, and when I take my time instead of yanking at soft/weak
orgasm half-cocked.. slow stroking, esp balls, good hard-on, stays
stiff longer after O.. psychology...
I have a dream, that in a year - all things remaining equal - current
physical stuff - arm & knee pain/weakness - will be resolved..
No plans this weekend.. plant tomatoes, FarmMkt, make plans this week to
get Camry smogged...
Work has been more than usually stressful > upcoming months will be busy,
but do-able - no doubt about that - oh, good news -
dept head called to give dates if new hire Summer training > One is
Mon June 10 (?), I checked, Monday after Blues
weekend - oops - before I could say maybe I can change, she said
she'd tell them it's no go. Period. Okay. So maybe she also looks
after us as well.
Thu Apr 12.18 7pm laundry
In early some days for trainings, WebEx's, I get out early, enjoying hours
of long days - 7:12 now lots of light; sat in cold backyard with
Buff, hummingbirds, catching up.. good. Been withdrawn unhappy last
year losing Gil. Gil, Mom all of them would want me to be happy, as
I'd wish that for anyone I leave behind. I think.
Knee bad - need to call Doc, smog car, ask for Sep Fri-Mon
Jazz fest days off.
Finished JR Tolkien magazine skimmed blandly sexy teen vampire paperback -
pfft. Bible in blue bag now? Big commitment; get it done. Etsy.
New work stuff coming together, learning how to deal w/new dept head
(positive distance, never pushback, that's what she wants), music
for summer, $100 to Rancho Nicasio bartender cancer fundraiser...
emails about SoChas from Beth, Happy Birthday to Tom, and Dean
Life changes and settles...
Wed Apr 11.18 nm
Feeling sad - for no reason - in bed this am asked myself, if Mom & Gil
were alive, would that be better? Yes - it would help to have people
- Mom alive was such a plus. Probably need to eat, too. Eat before I
decide this sadness is depression. Also, talking to Sooz last night
- aging, pain - sex drive fades and body pain becomes norm - if my
knee goes bad (been hurting for a month - can hardly take stairs), I
can find flat path to walk, not climb hills - can't bike - I saw
myself older biking.. hmp.
So look into knee - call doc today, see about knee x-ray - take
glucosamine joint supplement.
3rd training of new stuff yesterday went well - booking room, projecting,
loosened up on training stuff - focus on getting msg across, less on
training Best Practices which are distracting and sometimes
inappropriate. I felt 'in the room', less robotic with them, and I
think that counts for a lot.
Finished Fear/Loathing - great read/revisit of my youthful outlook, early
70s drug culture.
Car needs to be smogged by mid-May.. do that next week.
Much less fb - no every day posts nor changed top pics.. no
Twitter/Flickr/Pinterest makes no diff.
Mom died just 4 months ago, I did not take Leave of Absence... my choice
not to use up my PTO, and seems like too much going on to leave them
alone.. still suffering from that.. perhaps July OR
vacation will be time to deal and grieve.. meantime May-June
looks to be busy training; morning guy at work needs to take care of
LA; I don't see anything happening - maybe quietly? I 30% expect at
some point them to come to me w/"You have to do LA, too."
Laptop going slow updating - all backed up into new 1T drive - comfort.
Going into work early, sleep maybe better, still waking up hour or 2
before wake time. Not sleeping sound, waking up when it's time to
get up. Big disruptive changes at work - natural stress. It's fine.
Mon pm drove to Rockridge sushi boat, that was enjoyable,
appreciate beautiful clear 'color' of rice wine - then home for
pot/pudding, Roadrunner/ Coyote cartoons - laughed like a child -
last month has been rough/stressful - if I am enjoying sushi, sake,
cartoons, also Marge & John & Sooz etc.. then I'm okay. Normal life
stress - changes at work, new system to learn, normal life stress.
It's quality problem - death hurts because I have friends to lose,
stress over changes because I have a job.
Yard is looking amazing in full post-rain Spring color bloom. Tall purple
spikes a crowd-pleasure.
Car running well. Aside from knee, body working well. Enjoying books I
choose to read. Nomad a good morning coffee/wifi place. Short walk
to BART. Low rent in cool skylight cottage with beautiful yard. Buff
& DJ good property mates/friends. Nice clothes - art in cottage - $$
in bank - nice bed quilts, pillows, etc. Live pretty frugal -
~$200/mo on phone, wifi, tablet.. ? Look into making that cheaper.
So many things to be grateful for.
Yes! Thank you! Be good today.
I may be losing interest in sex per se; still enjoy a beautiful woman's
body. That's good, too. Thank you to anyone who shared their beauty
with me in pictures.
Sun Apr 8.18 nm
Work will be a challenge, including new dept mgr - look at is as a
challenge - provides a little non-personal distance - right now
it feels overwhelming - tired, lots to learn/keep organized - desk
too small - ask for that larger desk? Brain tired, stressed by
pressure - sigh. Kick back and enjoy when I can.
IMs w/Nur - paintings sold - mideast salad lunch ~2 - front yard ~1 pulled
bushel full of weeds - then back hurt quite a bit - took a pill -
WTF? Body pains - hobbled by painful knee, back, upper arm still a
bit - plus work stress brain tiredness - making me feel
Download angrybirds, set alarm for 45mins - IM w/* about WEF etc. -
downtown pizza slices, $5 No Man's Land at bookstore (also Elephant
Man, found line about "You have never been more sacked" which I
thought was "I have never been more in earnest" - maybe changed in
TV version?), gelato - Bowl closed Sun @7, so WF for
Bed early - more sleep - Mon: 8am call, noon dept mtg, afternoon MA
training. Tues morning CORE training - I feel better prepared
Pain killers, shower, trim.. I'll be okay - I will likely be pretty poor
when I retire.. no sense worrying about it - life is good now -
health overall good, enjoyable activities - could be far worse.
Accept life's challenges, move forward.
Uploaded OPIK pics to LRY reunion/OPIK page - noticed Anne Davis's sister
in Columbus winter 72 group shot, pshopped/crop version, send both
to Anne, she excited, said her sis was glad to have it, too. Cool.
This weekend: Marge/John/Mark, L, Nur, Anne Davis, someone posted pic of
Scott/Mitch NC 1988 - commented on that - responses. Buff/DJ here
but not visible. Folks at Nomad cafe. IM w/Eric about Davis field
bridge pic. Just little contacts that make life bearable.
Marge asked if I wanted to visit farm, she said Shelley said I never
would, I mentioned two hostile comments on facebook, made me think
she didn't want me out there - Marge said she had no idea about her
hostile comments, said maybe she'd ask.
Just remembered, I think maybe Buff/DJ gone this weekend? Check house,
shower, trim ears, pot, angrybirds, sleep.
Clit. That is one dramatic vulva colorful hungry sopping slippery wild.
Sun Apr 8.18 nm
Oh must I? A bit.. stressed, depressed, sad? Naw - depressed stressed is
when your life has fallen apart, you have no future, broken,
unemployed, addicted, DUI's in the legal system, living with your ex
'cause you have no place to go, no resources... etc.. etc...
Davis - lost in the past.
After Peet's cruise down 8th for quick 1008 Snyder visit, up Anderson past
Covelle into fields.. without much trouble into recognized areas,
uncertain about Rd #'s, eyeballed to bridge where Shelley/Eric I
took pics, and past which did the DUI - that's a creepy place to
drive past... could have died.. or killed someone, been ruined...
It's all kinda in one northeast grid, hasn't changed at all - funky, mud
and rock roads old tore up bridge railings - romping, drinking beer
in irrigation ditches, naked by the remains of a fire/Beth C on
lap.. soft warm flesh meeting... looked for area old migrant camps
would have been but no luck..
Marge & John ~2pm as they suggested, John in wheelchair 6 weeks to heal so
that's a relief, he seemed good otherwise, Quiche Lorraine, diced
fruit, funny cats and cute puppy, too much caffeinated tea.. catch
up, Mom's death, sibs.. some morbid stuff: assisted suicide, staying
positive... they let me bitch about work stress.. after talking to
them my knee felt much better! so.. hmm.. continues interesting..
use psychology, get some of that joint supplement.. lv ~6:30..
Mom/Dad dead, home gone, Marge & John as near as I have to parents,
family... they took care of me...
People need to know they are cared for.. the way Sooz & I care for Xoxo
all these years...
Good parking spot across from sushi boat place - hyper, hungry, stressed
about work changes.. normal, work changes cause stress...
Food helped, large hot sake, walk around block to digest, take in Davis..
it offers some entertainment, band playing in plaza near ice cream
joint.. but it sells dreams to youth, not to me.. but it does have
intellectual stuff for adults.. so...
Davis full of hopes, fears, drunken foolishness, false hopes, unexpected
contacts.. clinging to Scott's music scene like a drowning man...
alone, inches from failure...
But that was 1983.. living in car.. desperate for success in a
relationship dumped it all on Jen B.. 35years ago... let go.. I did
what I needed to do to survive.. as do we all...
Here I am now... When I visit Davis, like Charleston, I feel sadness for
all that was, now gone.. don't be sad about ghosts.. I learned, it
made me what I am.. mistakes learned from are how we reach
successes.. life is all that matters...
Googled angrylambie nude, a lot gone, no twitter/pinterest etc. Bit
uncomfortable but good - my photos on internet need not define me,
what good have they done really, aside from the Frida stuff, that's
getting old. It was good for a while.. and a break is good, too..
Nice wank to LR macro video w/vibrator - morning snooze fantasies
threesome with B Clark/Rebecca - me viral, us loving friendly kind..
soft warm buttocks sitting heavily on me, facing away, while Beth
cuddle under arm, we watch Rebecca's ass, excited encouraging, me
rubbing Beth's wet pussy from behind... taking turns on my deep hard
thick everlasting loving hot red swollen cock... wearing a condom..
Davis brings up my sexual life.. that can be distressing,
remembering, remembering.. because if it's remembered,
it is past... prepare, find a way to see is positive... it is
gone gone gone college days.. I was fucking lucky to have them, meet
Chris, Joanie, X-Men, Scott, Fred, Nan, etc... Through which I met
everyone else almost.. music.. Eric through music..
Okay - shake it off.. but remembering how exciting this was.. at first..
then it became a distressing thing to escape.. but I remember the
uncontrollable excitement... excitement of chase, payoff of her
hairy wet physical parts.. dark dank damp ugly exciting full fleshy
valley between legs... I was 30, she 20.. showing her things for 1st
Sat Apr 7.18 Davis Peet's noon
Bed early - 9'sh - wake ~5, snooze/sleep/dream till 7:30 - well-rested..
feeling okay - shower/smoothie.. comfy clothes...
Nomad - window broken by brick, cash drawer stolen - my 1st thought was
give $500 to help with cost - but, no..
Take is slow, - no rush - Marge email says 1-2pm best time, moving
slow, and John broke hip, in bed, or wheelchair.. sad..
Lv ~9? Easy traffic, overcast/sun, bit o rain.. hit town ~11, cruise
Slatter's court, wonder if I could live for a while in one of those
tiny cottages? Farm Mkt strawberries and dried figs. Crowd annoys
me. Getting old and cranky? Now at Peet's for cold brew.. blog
here.. south Davis old neighborhood.. I think about trying to retire
here; wonder about knee - whole point of Davis is bikes.. knee makes
biking difficult.. get knee looked at now, this year, while I have
work health coverage. Yikes.
Re-reading Fear & Loathing in LV.. so good - hold up well.
A gift.. beautiful .. well appreciated.
My job is not in jeopardy, but no raise on horizon.. not locally, and from
what I read not happening nationally. Be grateful for what I have -
it is a rich life.
Thu Apr 5.18 nm
Scott's bday yesterday.. no.. no impact.. 5yrs... plus, Gil gone so
no one really to talk with it about, plus Mom's unfortunate death
4mos ago much larger impact... empty spot where Gil was still
weighs... not acceptable...
Was bike pick-up just yesterday? Yep! Bed @9..sleep till 3.. toss turn
snooze till 7:30.. hmp
Good news: new work stuff to adjust to almost 100% done -
things are going well. It's almost like a new job takes time - but
success. I can feel good about it.
Quitting Twitter etc was a good move.. close last personal tumblr, too?
But leave up Photo Robert? Leave up private nude page on fb? Is that
done? Let's leave that up till I'm further past Mom's death
depression. Let's not get to impulsively/crazy/pure.. some comfort
in having them up? Like, how important is it really to have Frida
gun, 3 graces w/penises, Iggy & Bowie dancing online? They're old..
put them on Etsy instead and charge?
The Internet is not the answer.
The Internet is not free.
Facebook is not free.
The Internet is a blank activity to fill/kill time avoiding feeling alone.
While doing that it sucks out your soul. Better to play solitaire,
or read a comic book, or listen to music, play in the yard, cook a
meal, sew a hole, draw...
..work till you die? I guess. Move someplace real cheap.. make a good life
of it - like I am now.
My cognitive facilities have been suffering lately, along w/arm/knee pain
- hoping it is post-Mom/Gil depression, will get better in time...
Visit Marge/John Sat? Bring bike. Bring food.
Wed Apr 4.18 hm 5:54pm
Lousy sleep after 3 - hmp -, in early for conf call about training. -
tired - but got jobs done well.
Good part: off early, so downtown BART picked up StumpJumper from shop -
~$150 when I was expecting $300 - stopped for chocolate gelato -
yum! Gently rolled/biked home - it's fun! And bike felt great - tho
- knee hurting - it got better as I gently used both legs. Slow biking,
Called doc office from work to get knee put on x-ray referral - nurse
called back said she'd talk to him.
At home new storage drive arrived in mail along with cassette adaptor for
car. So nice things..
Bike, cassette, storage, ice cream - aside from lack of sleep - feeling
good. I think about quitting - if things are really so bad it's the
right thing to do - but then I'd lose health benefits that will pay
for x-rays etc. Hmp. Stay for year.
Buff/DJ maybe gone till Mon; put garbage out; Tues pm called
Sooz, made happy birthday video for Xo, w/Buff in yard all
charmed/approving, kind words about our love for Xo/how it helps
her. A good kind man. Made file smaller, mailed to Sooz & K this
Good life. I am still sore about lonely crazy childhood - all childhoods
are painful - life is painful, then we die - get over it.
Hummingbird by door - just briefly came through door hum/buzzing -
Tues Apr 3.18 nm
Yesterday wk non-stop - but okay -, burn out ~5, enjoying Chandler's The
High Window on BART - sit in lovely backyard, 1/2 falafel/pretzels -
yard lush green, some trimmed, lots of overflowing green life - sun
going down, lovely light - played angrybirds till after dark -
Bed early'ish after finishing Stilton/bread bedtime snack.. ordered 1T
storage from Amazon, called Missing Link, pick up bike after work
Fri - BART to Berk, bike home?
Call Doc today about adding knee - knee feeling better - emotions/stress
really seem to affect it - the more work stress I'm feeling more it
hurts - what to do?
Show up @wk, do my job, get satisfaction, enjoy praise and thanks - I want
to be happy and enjoy going to work.
~6 weeks to WEF - not even focused on it - good to visit Davis 1x/yr
getaway - see a couple old friends/bike a lot.. now I'll really be
one of the old ones - maybe some good music and nighttime
wandering.. rest.. probably can't get Thur before off, but
see how it's looking!
Davis Saturday, with bike - then? Hotel somewhere?
Mon Apr 2.18 nm
Slept good again, no knee pain, dreams - 2 hits cannabis,
scanned/framed-through Mechagodzilla vs. Godzilla - that was
actually great fun - falafel/beef dinner - Amazon: ordered new
cassette adaptor for car, now new backup drive.. rent check on back
window, gonna send check for Verizon (don't want to 'join'
Verizon).. checked location of x-ray place - blocks away/3minutes!
Call Fitzer to see about adding knee.
Feeling okay about closing online sites.. read books, walk, garden
Woke up, started thinking about work stress - through "I want to be happy
and enjoy my job."
I want to be happy, and enjoy my job. Felt better thinking that.
Emailed Marge/John - maybe visit Davis next week.
Sun Apr 1.18 laundry 6:03pm
After Nomad, Mideast salad lunch, shower/wash hair, Tilden ~12:30? pass Missing Link - closed Sun - flat upper path to
lake, sit w/other old folks on long bench by Lake, lots of new
growth greenery, birdsongs, families with children in another
world.. back along wooden trail, up road - knee a problem, used
walking stick, going even a few stairs hurt.. stayed on flat ground where
possible.. avoid bending right knee - hmp.. wore new hiking boots,
perfect fit, not aware of them - wore new sunglasses - so that ~$300
at REI - boots, glasses, walking stick - worked out okay..
New NoBerk bookstore, scanned How To Read Nancy, bit of Joni Mitchell
bio.. Peets for Mocha..
Downtown 1/2 Price: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (!) and Biker short stories
from Easy Rider.. Arnell's pizza one slice pepperoni, onion,
pineapple.., $5 mocha, $6 book/DVD, $5 pizza...
Could plant tomatoes in front yard, but laundry.. wash stress sweat out of
bed clothes etc..
Rent check taped to back window.. prioritize x-ray arm and knee..
get hours/location, how to add knee?..
Am I really cutting back on all the photo sites? Maybe.. done this before
- but - it feels 'done', I mean, posting my work - there was an
interest in my photos, in me, after Scott killed hisself, and Gil
died.. I was part of GT history, and my nude photos were a point of
curiosity - so the private page got attention it would not get
before Scott died (?), nor so much now.. or I would not have had
such a need to share them.. anyway.. those photos are old! Dated..
of interest to a dwindling band of people... so time to move on..
also Frida nudes/with gun.. its time is passed - let go...
Trans nudist montages are getting little embarrassing - I've made my point
- posting them, my kink, nude selfies, nude Fridas.. made my point..
no need to leave them up...
I am concerned I might be withdrawing to protect myself from new dept
head, and that is part of that is spreading into withdrawing from
social media.. so much exposed.. we'll see.. not like
tumblr/twitter/flicker/pinterest etc were doing me any good...
Need something to do.. try Etsy...
Beautiful day.. that was good pizza..
Anne moving to Wheeling.. Tom commenting on my fb posts... no word from
Mary - how did surgery go? Beth doing school stuff... not much news
Sun Apr 1.18 nm
Sleep ~10-7:30 ? Good.. good sleep.. pot, no pill..
Less time online has meant a lot of time online this morning: Closed
Pinterest, deleted ~1/2 Flickr pics, almost all Tumblr
happylambie/Frida fake pics, blocked pages I was following;
deleted about 3 dozen fb videos (mainly old, or repetitive
Mendo splash I have elsewhere), ~6 fb galleries of art, anything
with any nudity.
Not only need less time online - less fb evil abuse - , but also can't
trust fb - no longer a safe repository because one never knows what
will get one kicked off/no way to appeal their untrustworthy
So this is a good move, time well-spent.
Knee still tender, but thinking about Tilden easy low road stroll -
pick up bike from Missing Link.
Quiet - quietly reassessing - Pause - Spring is here - enjoy the sun light
warmth long days... this is a weekend for rest.. upcoming weekends
drive/walk to enjoy wildflowers...
Sat Mar 30.18 hm 7:30
Just back from Rockridge sushi boat - feeling grateful for being
well-rested, friends, coming on of Spring, food -
Some yard work felt good - weeded front bed along sidewalk, also my little
garden plot by path - Tiger Lilies coming in! Chat w/Buff - New
Orleans cancelled while they deal with failing Angel.. harsh..
reality... she might live a long time with injected fluids.. like
Gil/Stacey did with Monster - took a lot out of them :-(
Go through stuff on this laptop.. move some to (now full) storage.. need
new storage... 1/2 falafel w/pretzels lunch..
I'm 64, my knee hurts, my air is gray, I have to get up/down slowly..
in/out of car slowly... other than that, good health far as I know..
no complaining.. can I bike? We'll find out... I toasted a cup of
hot sake to getting along with new dept head..
Skimmed early mk emails Oct 2017.. called me her sex guru.. from a very
repressed country/bad marriages.. eating pussy/sucking
cock/rimming/enjoying pussy even when bloody is normal, enjoying
touch everywhere, all positions, all pleasures.. body
'imperfections'.. talked about sex in plain terms.. she loved 1980
photo of me licking Tonya from behind.. so many nice photos from
her... it was so intense, so quick - repeatedly inviting me over was
not good sign, but it seemed to be doing her good, all the sharing
of everything/breaking through so many boundaries... and her art is
good... but it had to end and I didn't see anyway for it to end
nicely.. it had to end.. she did it, that was best.. she kept
her pride.. I needed my energy for long-term proven relationships...
shame... be nice to have both.. all.. but real love, real passion
have to be first in line at dinnertime...
Yard work, yay, felt good, warmish sunny weather nice, purple stock
flowers up front are lovely, talked to neighbor about avocado I left
on their porch, plant tomatoes tomorrow? Put a bunch of succulents
in sidewalk flat area. Sweep.
Sat Mar 30.18 nm
Home Fri late afternoon feeling an odd tiredness... still light out
when I laid on bed fully clothed.. so maybe 6:30pm..? Out! - no pot
nor pill necessary -, finally under covers clothed, bright porch
light - ~3-4am pulled clothes off, water, internet for 30mins?..
back to bed/sleep - up 8am.. close to 12-13hrs anyway.. just went
through, <snipped> out most references to wk stress.. leave it out..
don't want it to become big fat ugly smelly hurtful stressful part
of my life. You become what you resist. Resisting aggressive
anger will make me aggressive/angry. Step aside, dodge, weave, let
is pass by toward its intended target which is unknown and need not
be known to me - which is not me. Leave wk stuff there - ritually leave them in a sealed
container. Those things help. No bitterness. Make it work for me.
Needing 13hrs sleep is a sign I need to work on stress levels. I think I
feel normal for the first time in a while?
Feels good.. today: Join h.. reading High Window Noir - fun! Lots of crazy
characters, dead bodies, old coins. Get a less colorful bag for
Bible. Maybe pick up bike? See if x-ray place open weekends, see
about getting knee added to paper. Google how to cook/spice lentils.
ahh.. nothing much on my mind... that's good.. body feels rested.. knee
did not hurt last night/feels good now... mind rested and at rest..
~10:30 - let' move on.. sitting for hours with face in laptop is
what I'm moving away from...
Aim high. Do what I want. Make lists of easily do-able, medium term, and
long-term. If its not do-able take it off the list.
Thu Mar 28.18 nm
Wed phone chat w/CHI head - <snip>
Training 20 people today - no problem - follow slides.. look over notes
today.. I've learned from 2 earlier trainings - # of people makes no
difference, I've done way more. Cool room - good acoustics - make
eye contact, point to screen, look at audience when talking.. skip
anecdotes/jokes -stick to script - bring humor back in later when I
got info down better...
Started new Chandler noir.. always cool.. The High Window - some of it
rings bells - maybe I read it years ago - my mind is sharper now/I
know how to read noir - one must take mental notes/memorize names
etc - so easier to follow twists -
Sat in on CSS training how to organize - one bit of good advice: if I make
lists, make short, medium, and long-term lists - otherwise, as
things don't get done on schedule, it creates stress. Health-related
stuff in particular I put off for year/s.
Knee still bothering me on stairs, better, word straps in bed last night -
noticed at one point this morning, when I started thinking about new
dept head knee started hurting, so I changed thoughts and it got
better. Yeah - need solution here.
Buff/DJ gone for a week in Apr. Laundry every day! :-D
K spending a lot of time w/Xo because she'll be away on her 13th bday -
sending me lots of nice photos. :-)
Wed pm weary/dead brain after work - bowl for berries/eggs, cross
town looking for ramen place I have Sat lunch at - where?
where? drove up/down Shattuck haha - finally rediscover near Missing
Link.. ~$30+tax for soup/gyoza/sake.. big meal might help me sleep
through night - too expensive tho, but I do like atmosphere - it
felt like a win - I am being pushed out of my comfort zone at
work, that is good - that is where life begins - that is where I
become a real teacher, and not just a bundle of un-polished skills
and natural abilities.. it is uncomfortable - that's good. Better
than getting bored. Exciting!
A little tense now, pre training - not unpleasant - mind gone blank - I've
worked, studied, accepted suggestions - talked through ideas.. now I
go out, again, lean on slides, trust info is in my brain to be
triggered by slides/subjects - relax.. don't focus on being liked
personally - that will happen or not organically - , focus on info
to be presented. If they get info they need, clearly presented, they
will like team.
Soon it will 2nd nature - no one expects it to be perfect 2nd time
through. Have never been in this situation, have always been
independent, doing best I can on my own - now - boom being watched,
trained, tested.. this is more like reality. Grasp hold of it
- discomfort is normal, can have value is it is accepted as help and
support and not a cause of stress. Criticism is a chance to
improve., Remember that.
Not too much chat and extrapolation today - keep it Simple, Clear and
And remember, it's my job, it needs to be done well, I can do it - but it
is not the end of the world even if I make a mistake. I am one small
part of a global initiative - and everyone - everyone - is under
pressure to make it work well. The people watching me are under
pressure to make it work well - work with them.
Wed Mar 27.18 nm
Angel on her last legs, Buff/DJ leaving for week in NO early April - pit
her down 1st?Hard.
IMd w/Sooz, in better mood, I listened more - knee hurting - more I use it
the more it might hurt next day - what to do? Last weekend walked a
lot and it hurt a lot and kept me up at night. Not so bad last night
- knee brace - not sure how much it's helping - at all?
Make Happy bday video for XO next week, with flowers and dolls.
June Gville Anniversary/Blues weekend > tickets came out - more expensive
> on Anniv Sat there are extra special tickets - cost about
2x as much as past years:
past $90/day - 2x 180 = $360 for both of us/good seats all weekend -
No sleeping pill, bed ~10 - up ~1am, pee by door brightly moonlit yard,
another hit of pot, back to bed - I know I slept because I dreamed -
missing tickets, going to be late stress dreams - but sleep! Up
~7:30 - shower, smoothie.. here I am.. slowly getting it together at
work for training admin stuff.
Tennies muddy, wearing black work shoes, comfy. Steering away from evil
facebook, except for people contacts.
Finished 11 mins - read Wiki Algerian war articles - now what?
Waiting for $2K check from facebook guy - that'll help with music weekend.
IM catch-up w/Tessa - that was fun. Some odd bond. Over my connection to
music scene/her mom?
Oh, good music on Blues day - Taj Majal Trio! Yes! Robert Cray, Elvin
Bishop, Eric Burdon & Animals - that'll all be worth a gander, the
old guys before they go.
Life is good - We are all going to die - do not worry myself about new
dept head Chi-D. She can't hurt me. Paper Tiger. I'm good.
Days longer, warmer - flowers blooming - yard looking good - getting
weeding itch - Sooz said walking stick price not bad because it's
So - Bible - and Etsy.
Mon Mar 25.18 nm
Sleep ~10, up ~2am and rough sleep, if any - knee hurting, other aches,
fear of crippling body stuff.. hmp.. comfy, but no REM sleep..
Stayed in bed till 7:30..shower/wash hair, smoothie..
Sun Mar 24.18 II hm 8:14
Mideast salad lunch, IM's w/K early afternoon, plant catnip - clearing
beneath front yard cage, churning up dark post-rain soil, pleasantly
cold/warming sun, lovely early afternoon, one of my fave weekend
events, three plugs close together, easy pinning cage down into
soaked soil... empty trash/compost/garbage bins... dishes...
REI on San Pablo.. expensive! but convenient.. okay.. $160 boots, $60
sunglasses (gahh!!), $70 walking stick (gahhh!!! should have cheked
price) - ~$300.. Jesus.. it's okay, feel a little guilty, but I got
what I wanted, cheaper online but this way I'm sure I got what I
want and stuff fits!~ And, like the $300 bike update, it is stuff I
might use for years!
Called Stacey to see if she wanted to get something to eat - too busy,
nice chat.. took edge off my loneliness - cruise aimlessly through
North Berkeley neighborhoods, wind up nr Nr Berk Peets, chat w/L in
car, then in Peets w/mocha.. flirty fun.. stroll down Shattuck,
Walgreens for two $20 knee wraps (one for trunk).. it is time,
hurting, hurts getting into car... hard to get off ground, shaky
going down stairs.. why does it come and go? Have one on now - feels
better... downtown: 1/2 price books, comic book stroll..
Stop at Bowl for 1 onion, feel good about that! Little things cheer me up
- put FarmMkt beef in grill with chopped up onions/fan blowing smoke
out door.. yummy! heat remaining clam chowder, time it to 5mins..
Lots of good stuff this weekend.. still adjusting to "Chiboss" @wk,
Bike to shop
Yummy Ramen lunch
Moe's: 2 books
Move a few of Sooz's succulent cuttings into 2nd pot
Boots, sunglasses, walking stick
Delicious piece of grilled meat/onions, clam chowder
Weekend loneliness is an issue.. not good for me.. what can be done?
No sleeping pill tonight... end of day today, book store, bowl etc I've
pretty much forgotten about work stuff.. good sign.. it can be
processed, obviously not a huge issue.. give it more time... 8:45..
getting nicely drowsy.. join Etsy... make friends..
I removed a lot of trans and other weak stuff from Twitter..
figuring to clear out sketchy stuff from angrylambie media in prep
for angrylambie etsy...
Good weekend.. I wonder if biking (and losing weight) will help my knee..
losing weight.. hmmm.
Facebook and internet are designed to be addictive, their creators
understand all of us way better than we understand ourselves; our
desire to be online / facebook all the time is a result of their
designs. With alcohol, after admitting one has a problem, the next
step is to stop drinking. After admitting one has a problem with
internet addiction, the next step is to spend less time on facebook
and the internet.
Sun Mar 24.18 nm 10am
Better sleep than yesterday, still up ~5:30.. hmp - seems I'm getting ~6hrs sleep, instead of 7.. hmp...tea before bed? Meditation before
Dragged myself out of bed, but smoothie & Nomad bkft bagel/mocha helped..
the knee hurting is a bummer, maybe comes/goes as I upset myself
overthinking work stress - obviously an issue seeing how much of
last weeks here are about work.. sooo boring.. but good
indication... work has been 'easy', doing my own
stuff/scanning/slowing down etc.. nothing much has changed.. I don't
need to print online articles to read.. it was a convenience.. I
don't need to scan pics - I could buy a $100 printer for home.. and
when I consider that I realize it's not necessary, not worth making
space for... I can still edit my videos, do photoshop etc..
Difficult personality traits: Needs attention, talks a lot, narcissist,
big ego - so what to do.
Talk a little less.. think before I speak.. remind myself, tho I may be
good at my jobs in some ways - proactive troubleshooting, getting
things done, networking - I'm a working class, lower middle class
slob like the rest, just trying to keep a roof over my head and food
in my belly, showing of in any way, even tone of voice, is obnoxious
and annoying... some actions/skills that were high-value when job
was up/coming scrapping are not productive now we are global..
remember that.. I have a rep and history, but I need to be flexible
& change with current circumstance..
e.g., making my own training materials/putting my own needs
(teaching/training) into training sometimes worked when we were
mid-tier and local/regional-focused, but being global we need global
Training used to make me special, highlighted, high-value - now it is
simply part of my job, like making slides; I am not a *star* for
doing it as well as I can, following rules...
I see Renee B from Davis working big-time art projects for SF MOMA, I see
Tim Kennedy from HS having a successful career as mid-west art
teacher/painter... I have some envy because of prestige, because of
preconceived ideas of what a successful respected artist looks like:
R is an administrator, T a teacher... We all have jobs around fine
art (sort of)/teaching (probably)... because fine art does not
generally pay.. not well anyway.. not enough for roof and food...
I'm no better or worse... and how many struggle in obscurity (Scott).. and
take what they get...
Waking up to these sad thought.. because the truth is sad... maybe? Sure..
if is short.. inevitability of death makes it..
But also one must look at oneself with honest eyes.. sometimes.. not every
day.. we'd kill ourselves.. don't mistake illusions we use to get
through the night for reality..
How narrow my perspective... a few friends and schoolmates almost 100%
from one country... my ego/narcissism/self-referential focus can be
embarrassing, esp if I focus on it too much -
If it was a big deal I wouldn't have been at job for 20 years...
obviously, in some ways, it works.. but as we get
more-team-oriented, my big personality will be a better fit - at
least within the team - if I focus on team success more than my own.
I needn't work too hard at it.. knowing that we are now
team-oriented, rather than me getting things done despite useless
dept head.. that new dept head is a doer.. mostly it will take care
of itself... my need for attention helps me get in front of of a
group and talk/explain... or does it.. am I just satisfying my own
needs? Do I need to? Have I not scratched that itch? It's not a
desire now - it's a happening thing.. I wanted it, I got it.. desire
to have it fueled my attention to getting it right.. now we've upped
it to another level and I need their support to get to that level -
I am no longer lost drunk drugged failed marriage unemployed desperate
semi-suicidal young man taking changes with other people's lives -
that was a different unhappy young man...let him go...
I like my life.
10:30 - no plans today - terrifying... getting errands done yesterday was
great.. 4-day bday weekend was great..
Facebook experience beginning to feel depressing and abusive.. still
serves a purpose... but pull back..
Sat Mar 23.18 II 7:00PM laundromat
Nomad till ~noon buttered bagel/eggs/2 espressos, cinnamon bite-size
pastries -, IM w/K&Xo in London: Mom-Dottir time > to Farm Mkt, 3
tomato plants/beef/eggs.. Himalayan lunch:
NorBerk Peets espresso - yum@ -, mentally phased from lack of sleep (and
busy work, let's not forget), but decided to push on through, lower
stream/hillside trail, too muddy, ~1mile out/back - beautiful bright
sun greenery, cool air, hiking stick, muddy shoes - sat by stream -
knee hurt getting up/down - yep, right knee's a problem - hypnosis?
Salve? Stand at side of muddy fire trail, brain dead, drop it all,
let it go, enjoying this moment - breath, stride, tree - is all that
matters. Decide to get hand-carved walking stick & new bike.
Stop @Missing Link (repair place moved into west side of street), ask
about trade-in Stump Jumper - they show me some bikes - I figure
altogether <$500 is good (locks, peripherals), home - ask Buff if he
wants it - no - , sit on it for a moment, fall in love again, but
too 'short'? - drive it ML, discuss, they say to a collector maybe
worth $300, so they'd give maybe 1/2 that in trade - I ask how much
to get it in great working order: new tubes/tires, handlebars,
general loving - ~$300 - one worker kept walking by looking at it
with intense eyes - I say fine - put more money in meter, phone
search food, wind up in Small Shattuck Ramen joint: chicken ramen,
gyoza, yummy overpriced sake.. not enough nourishment really, but
enough to keep me moving.. Karen 80s surf mix tape in car..
Telegraph hiking store for hand-carved wooden hiking stick.. nope -
I might have broken one of their $20 metal ones pulling it apart
trying to expand it :-O.. Moe's - top floor got $50 fat book about
Love & Rockets with interviews etc (!!), & Coelho's The Alchemist.
Stop at bowl for hemp milk, fruit, pudding; one of my simple life
pleasures: ingredients for breakfast smoothies... home briefly, put
groceries away, to laundry.. cool.. tomorrow empty trash bins. And..
Bike to shop
Yummy Ramen lunch
Moe's: 2 books
And an effort, to own my dislike - like everyone else's - of having a
boss, and remove any notion of making it personal between new
boss & I. Grow up. Own it, and live my life.
Sat Mar 23.18 nm drowsy
Sleep still shaky - general wk changes - mainly all good, just lots,
breaking old habits, routine disrupted, pre-training anxiety, more
negative feedback than positive - feels that way anyway - but better
- first team training Thu am went well, new dept head
webex'd, morning guy sat in/filmed a few minutes, lots of questions
- ran a little short of time - work on that, less
blabbing/talking/amusing, more info -
Fri got desk file organizer, that helps - I don't know everything,
but know what I need to know. CORE theme job came in - I talked it
over w/R, handed it to new fast-learner guy - I don't have time; new
dept head wants training etc activities spread around - cool. Yes -
I am Mr. Yes now.
Gun march today - rain (maybe) & sun - thinking Farmer Market, cash from
bank, groceries - and even tho I'm weary from unsettled sleep, a
Watched some of my youtube TWR vids last night -
Thought after work Fri, as I settled immediately into rocking chair
with my face in screen, how on my death bed I'd regret not doing
more new stuff - watch new movies, plays, books rather than same
over and over - stay off laptop at night - do anything but internet!
Meditate. Cook. Talked to Sooz Thu pm she doing pretty okay,
but seems depressed, esp about growing old, incoming mortality -
- WIN is to enjoy life fully now, not hide from it face down in
facebook, sex pictures, sex thoughts - default escape when sleepless
is N's warm moist pussy which I can never have, was teased into my
system (I own that), which I don't even really want - kills thoughts
distract myself with bitterness and unrequited desire - if I don't
want her, then I don't want her sex - so it's just a way to distract
myself with dead-end sexual constipation. So let it go. Be her
friend. Let sex throughs go. If I can - hah!
WIN is to enjoy life fully now
Fuck the past. Fuck the future. Live simply and poor rather than work
and stressed? At least - don't make money prime directive for
- I should be able to love my work. One part is to go along, be a sport,
say yes, be a good team member. I'm working on it. It is up to me.
Changes must be internal, not me asking others to change. People
above me are circumscribed by demands of their superiors - they are
doing best they can their own way. I got used to doing things my
way, problem-solving, proactive high-value action when dead-end
hostile dept head was lame lazy and useless. New day dawning - GFX
treated as high-value now - embrace it, and adjust without delay so
far as I can. If anyone asks, take ownership, explain adjusting
internal default survival mechanisms take time, and I'm doing the
best I can. Other offices - HR, offices services etc, in corners,
dungeons - GFX mixed with TSG, Global Office head, MAs, other top
Global folks - so that feels good - a healthy good mix - not stashed
away in a cramped corner, different floor, different bldg as in
past. Shake it off. Let go. The past is gone. Cool to been here to
see experience it - more respect & more responsibilities. Fair
trade. Do the best I can. Cool. And come one - the new bldg is
Paycheck puts savings after rent cc's paid @ 85/75 - and at some point I
can do work & SS - but - if I want till 70 I get more for longer -
parents lived till 80s/90s.. so do I want to risk 65 + 1 day, and
gamble getting less for longer... is trying to sell my
photos/montage online on my bucket list?
And get arm x-rayed and skin looked at, bumps on face frozen.
Life is to be enjoyed fully now.
Wed Mar 21.18 nm 5:23pm
That was a much-needed vacation.. 1st 3 days mainly recuperating..
folks may say "We don't wanna hear it, we're tired, too" - so don't
whine, but also feel my own pain & exhaustion, protect myself - be
subtle, don't verbalize it, play victim, <snip>
Rested, feels so different! Tue pm bed ~9pm, took 1 sleeping pill,
up ~3am(?), snooze/sleep till 6:30 - early for conf call - then dept
head call - first 'real' training tomorrow, friendly folks.. Morning
guy will film some, sit in, D will webex.. - wait, video and audio
or just audio - huh - and we will be doing some. whatever - feedback
is good - then I'll be good enough to be left alone.
More studying today, sending invites to booked room, etc.
Thoughts more clear, but big changes at work make them a bit jumbled...
sokay.. get it down, learn, it's all a win for me.
Wrote IM to N that I have neglected to tell her she is beautiful.
After years of thinking about it, just asked French Frida w/kittens
painter if she is interested in my old hippie selfies. Pretty
innocent being ~ 40yrs old.
11 Minutes book entertaining, good (romantic) perspectives on sex & love.
I have never been in a global network of GFX folks before - as of today we
are taking jobs from anyone in the world. Yikes! Well - it is what
it is - almost like whole new job after years of
independence/looseness, loose boss-less days lasted long enough to
get many videos, post-Scott death GT pics, many scans/movies for Gil
to enjoy in his last years... it worked out.
Tighter ship, global company, I'm still well-situated, giving photos video
to 2 new folks - facepages still mine, slowly but surely train
everyone else up on everything, so if/when I leave they are in good
6mins to closing.. said 'hi, 'nite' to K - maybe donate fb/GT photo to
Kristine and the girls.
How to get JFK's head to Wynn. hahaha
I think everyone else is way more stressed, sleepless, exhausted than I...
so be happy and grateful.
And buy a printer. And join Etsy.
Tue Mar 20.18 Bragg hotel 9:04am
Spotty sleep - again! - can't remember last time I slept all through
night, but it'll return - I just need to see how easy it really is -
- obviously I have been unhappy - & esp after Gil saying he stayed at his
job too long, me getting close to retirement age, then Mom died...
But it's a new day dawning... leave past year behind, get onboard, ride
this train as a global team. Presume trust - assume they are trying
Last night, after Mendo - sitting in hotel refreshed me a bit, Mendo
college overlook for sunset, Japanese place for salmon teriyaki,
large hot sake - nice - also, instead of 'fancy' Aztec fusion place,
this place had a funky crowded neighborhood feeling about it -
salmon was a bit charred, I liked it. Closer to real people.
Reading snatches of '11 Minutes' here and there. Sleep ~10? Up ~8 - but
not solid sleep. Still, I feel I've mostly caught up after a week of
sleeplessness. It has been helpful.
Lots of fb bday wishes, can't respond (after 30-day suspension) till noon
- nice to see tho.
Sposed to rain this afternoon - head straight home? - I want to get
home/bed early for best sleep - also want to see Eric.. hmm...
Phew - not just relaxation/refreshing this 4-days in Brag - good opp to
think all this shit, this last year, through. Gil died just over a
year ago, Mom just 4 months ago. Give it time. Mom dying alone -
well not dying - but must've had stroke Thurs pm, not found
till Sun - pain of that came clear to me this visit. That's
not the way we'd have liked it damn it. There's a hard life lesson
This visit - hippie fantasies gone - that's me changed - getting used to
Not about fantasies & hope to get me though night - it's about survival.
So keep this job. And enjoy all good things I have - I am enjoying a
Smoothie/thermos coffee - 9:39, shower, pack out by 11.. then what?
Mon Mar 19.18 Bragg hotel 6:45pm
~10:15 drive north ~7miles to explore 10 Mile beach - stop at wayside -
had taken 2 viagra ~9:30 to experiment - got stiff for extended
periods (10-15mins?) on-and-off, had to pay attention to not being
too obvious, esp in these baggy pants - been a long time since that
was an issue - no headache/eye coloring, but a bit of upset
stomach, similar to heartburn? Tightness in sternum area - but
could just be hungry -
Walk south, surf walk, nice sunny day - sad tho - lots of sadness, getting
old, knee hurts, trouble sleeping, Mom dead etc - Buff gets bummed
on his bday - maybe this is it, too as well as, yeah birthday
= from Mom - and she'd dead, and so will I be.
So that was fun, took pics, sent out - back south to hotel, really tired,
wank, sleep pretty decent for an hour or two - noon-2pm - stop in
Bragg: espresso from headlands, slow walk through tattoo museum,
hippie junk store, gallery closed, I couldn't see Sarah Logan's
South to lighthouse just north of Mendo turnoff - lovely short walk
to bluffs with erection, explore north, sit/meditate - some pretty
good throughs about work: leaving past behind, being less of an
asshole, accepting this is a whole new situation, bitterness
about past is no value <snip>
Hang in lighthouse bldg, chat with counter lady, watch whales - quite a
few - some relatively close - walk through bldgs/exhibits. ~5 Mendo
- coffee for tomorrow morning, sandwich, Odwalla, chocolate bar..
cruise headlands but tired, knee hurts, want to get home/hotel...
Easy drive, check to see if viagra working - yep - couple pics..
Now maybe quick nap-- or sunset in 20mins, then Japanese place in town for
Aside from sad mood - which may be a sign of this opportunity to grow up,
be an adult, take responsibility for myself, being easier to be
around, tamp down the big personality - setting aside illusions,
that maybe somehow things will work out well - fantasies die.. it
hurts.. but accept it..
- aside from that normal life occurrence (rite of passage - I'll survive
and thrive) - nice day where I did what I wanted at my own pace.
Mon Mar 19.18 9am Bragg hotel
Birthday morning - tried to stay in bed till 9, made 8 - restless
sleep, but better - I think more mentally tired than physically?
Maybe both.. yeah - months of uncertainty at work.
Birthday smoothie & thermos of warm Mendo coffee. Lots of fb bd wishes,
but can't respond till Tues noon - cocksucking fb bastards.
haha., They did me a favor.
Just worn out.. lucky to have these days to locate/feel my stress,
what it's taken out of me (and all of us), monitor myself - grieving
for Mom, too - missing Gil - thinking about my boundaries - but my
boundaries may need to shift a bit when I'm in a team, at work -
Anyway... yes.. Happy birthday Bob - 64, holy fuck...
Now: Shower, drive north to that beach? Maybe later whale watch.. tough
Shake off the work tension, let of of old battles (Taf/Jeff - pretend they
never existed) - it's a new day dawning in a beautiful new office,
with new boss - it will take effort from us all to make it run
smoothly. So go along if I want to get along. Yes. Seriously.
I'm stressing about work - but everything else is good (except for deaths
of friend/Mom) - but that's life.
I can let go of work stress, if I let go of petty office politics etc.
Make more of an effort to be easy to work with. It will pay off in
long run. New work situation can work well for me if I let it.
Let new work situation work well for me. Let new boss be new boss.
Sun Mar 18.18 hotel 8:35pm
Just back from fusion dinner
Slept poorly - up ~1am? WTF - more nap then sleep - stayed in bed till
8'ish but too restless - hotel 'breakfast', smoothie, pbj - sit
immobile till ~11:30 - mendo tide was high but calm - whale watched,
chatted w/other ww's, lots of puffs, some backs, flukes, one
half-seen breach, apparently there's been a lot of such activity
this week -
Drive to south lot, take low red folding chair down to flat "lawn', sit
w/binoculars/dried figs 30(?) mins - nice - but feeling awfully sad;
don't know if it's about Mom (and Gil) and generally feeling that
loss/aloneness - maybe added birthday sadness - 64 - right knee
feeling weak, some pain - esp bending going down steps..
overcast/some sun - nice tho - not blustery -
Store for soup & gallon H20 - eat by bottom Main St. white fence corner
parking - feeling painfully sleepless, but want to be out in day -
left phone (constant companion) in car, strolled parameter of south
headlands, threw rocks into churning foam (fun!!), up coast parallel
to Main, discreet pee in bushes, back down Main stop in ~3 galleries
- some nice stuff, nothing to own -
Sit in coffee place with espresso, muffin, read more of 11 Minutes - good
vacation reading - medium coffee in thermos for breakfast - should
be back in Facebook ~noon birthday Mon - barely care -
Back to hotel ~5:30 for nap - internet etc - sleep on-and-off deep
dreaming feeling sick to stomach - fatigue? Or viagra I took this
morning before going out? Forgot to mention - took one after long
morning shower, to observe effect during day - I did not notice
tension I'd felt two other times - so maybe that was psychological?
- noticed once or twice, from tight pants sitting in car/walking
(was I thinking about sex?) that stiffness was more pronounced,
lasted a little longer - but no - I think touch/thoughts have to be
involved. ~6pm, ~7hrs after dose, before nap checked by stroking -
yep - strong O thinking about *. Reading '11 Minutes' has me
contemplating love, and *, how we got so love sick - weekend we took
a 'break': miserable, sleepless, constipated, no appetite, obsessed,
etc... crazy.. how it is real - therefore sacred, why I feel I'm
'cheating' if I invest too much in anyone else - because it is the
most 'real' love in my life - maybe ever? Accepting anything less is
unthinkable. Maybe overstatement - but let it rest.
Anyway.. after nap, all overcast so did not miss 7:25pm sunset, Aztec
fusion place for 1 margarita/enchiladas/spicy choc ice cream -
stomach feels better - lots of meat & eggs last night..
As always (?) if I am feeling sad (I mildly wept a few times today
(shower, shouted in car) w/out knowing why - (Mom I assume),
stressed, mildly miserable, a little crazy (men go crazy thinking
about life after losing their mother - should I talk to a
therapist?) - but at least I am in a beautiful place :-) - and have
much to be grateful for.
The one most consistent thing in my whole life was Mom - that source of
care and love, which I worked hard to let in and give back honestly
- which she appreciated. She said it was so important to her, and
tuning point when I said it was "important to me, too." She
probably cried. I'm sorry the night she had her strokes, she
suffered alone, maybe scared and in pain. But maybe not. So there's
some comfort. Also real politic - it can happen to anyone; life and
death are cruel. Mom said "Death is mean" - but her children were
not - in the end we were with her.
9pm - maybe whale watch at lighthouse of some other points tomorrow -
drive north sounds like fun, but eh! I am free, it is my birthday -
do whatever I like.
Successful life? yes. Don't blow it. Buckle down. Do my job. Don't
be a pain in the ass. <snip>
Cool. Nice. How's my life - I lack for nothing and love
cottage/yard/skylight/car/friends/Karen & Xo etc.
Let myself smoke pot - fuck the reason - pop culture is fun - pop music,
pot etc -enjoy it.
Sat Mar 17.18 Cloverdale Starbucks 10:15am
Don't gonna wanna say too much about work but it was lots - still
processing it all...
.. yeah - of course I feel 'special' - win! - proved myself - can't
help that, human, esp when many top people tell me I am
special - but never never let it show or say it outloud...
One-on-one talk w/new D boss went kind of badly, <snip>
So gonna process all that on 4-day Bragg weekend - bit of stress
last night, and this morning - my stress manifests as knee pain -
real obvious. Comes and goes. Weird.
Lots of processing already done - up ~6:30 - take it mellow - no
sleeping pills - pack clothes, food, electronics - less clothing
than usual - other than what I'm wearing: 1 jackets, 1 pair socks, 1
underwear, 1 t-shirt, 1 Mexican shirt, Mexican sandals (no
Birkenstocks) - etc..
Chat w/*, share smut, laugh about this n' that Nina Simone -
someday maybe hear about orgies - maybe not..
Beautiful misty trees on way up, vacation started yesterday - mind
worn out - I'm inclined toward offering to do more training (helping
R out who'll be doing LA) because I enjoy it - but have to watch and
know my limitation - 2 trainings a day is gonna burn me out - learn
tactics - breath, meditate, relax, lean more on 'tactics', less on
giving of myself - do job well - leave me more out of it (?) - learn
to 'act'.. I'm going to have to anyway..
K - Almost 11am - room 115 booked in Bragg - sposed to be somewhat
cloudy - rain Tues - maybe meet w/Eric for meal on way
home - meantime - enjoy my vacation time off on the coast - yay.
64, with help from friends made a life that fits me well,
80-something in bank, Sooz' really great fun car luxury which I'm
growing used to, text stuff in place - wifi in cottage and such
(despite Verizon rip-off bullshit) - collection of art brings
enjoyment into my daily life - quilt, wall hangings, Frida kitten
painting, two women holding basket of fruit lamp, etc., good job
that suits and teaches me - provides human contact. A few good
friends. Five siblings. Good memories of youth in South Hills of
Charleston. Couple of flirty online friendships. A woman I love.
So much goodness. Life is sweet.
4:37 Moody's Mendo
Stunning lovely day, brightly deep blue skies, sometimes large
fluffy clouds - sunny, a bit cold but wind manageable - sandwich at
apple place, kitties napping at Navarro Store - walk in redwoods -
forest pools, 128 is amazingly beautiful with sun shining through
and early Spring flowers; Mendo stop for pretzels/'hippie' energy
drink ('natural' caffeine). South headlands, whale watch, chat with
strangers (2 women, 1 from Mississippi came to see whale - as
they're leaving I see one, call them back - yay - good deed).
Mideast salad in car, yum. Binoculars cool. Energy not bad, but
sleepy now - two 8ths of legal weed from dispensary - fun chatting
with dispensary women (legality, Oregon, what a card gets you,
edibles, pain relief, thanked them for surviving prohibition, they
smiled) - - espresso - and tried the trick of telling laptop
to 'forget' Moody's, it works now after many visits not.
Beautiful day visually.. no Mom.. try to not express my
anger/frustration at work. Be nice.
Training has made me a 'star' in SF.. telling me now I'm no big
deal because we all a team is.. multifaceted - globally speaking, I
don't get special attention - however, if I do well, I will be
much-appreciated/well-employed in SF. Good enough. That works well,
thank you. Now fuck off haha.
Didn't get rm 115, so they replaced w 2-room suite rooms, (one
large) & large'ish bathroom same price.. nice
Drove towards ocean, turned onto narrow Main St. road, stopped to
photograph nice fence shadows on road, strolled out onto headlands,
drive north headlands, windy, too bright, getting weary - Bragg to
hotel - check in - south to Redwoods College viewpoint for 7:25
sunset... one hit of new indica - nice, but makes me very forgetful!
~5mins (?) after sunset - thought I clearly saw a whale breach -
then thought I must be imagining things - then it breached twice
more almost in succession, and again a minute later - 2 teens to my
left and a couple to my right - we were all blown away, amazed,
thrilled, having the cool experience of sharing it with each other
"Did you see that!?" Almost in shock to have been blessed/lukcy to
see something like that out of the blue - distant, but distinct,
almost straight up vertical, then seemed to hover there for a second
slid down? Didn't see a splash.. but far away...
.. back to hotel - hungry - but already 8.. so quicker walk to
Denny's, steak, eggs, choc shake.. read a bit of '11 Minutes'.. yum!
Very yummy snack meal... lots of salt - a few swallows of shake for
dessert.. finish unpack at hotel.. supposed to thunderstorm tonight?
I just wanna do whatever I want - this is great - love special room,
friendly service at Denny's, whale watching peeps early this
afternoon, group I shared 4 breaches with - that was pretty damn
cool. A group experience was less egocentric - slightly bonding. No
plans unless I want to have them.
Wed Mar 14.18 nm
Mon-Tues hours of studying CORE new slide format at
work - get it into my bones - get my confidence to point where I
feel I can begin to answer all questions, lead update modules -
tired from sleep lack, mind overflowing - babbling - but got it
done; met w/R day guy for an hour, ran through module, explained how
they want us to train - used clicker etc. Worked.
Everything is good - contacts w/several teams who want to update,
Global Tracey called, got info from her about timing when we will
get handouts info etc. Mon-Tue off should be no prob.
Sitting in cafeteria for hours is cool - great study place, instead
of feeling isolated, mind wandering, mind can occasionally take
break be distracted then slip back into study. All good, Fucking
cool. Yes. Too tired to talk tho - emailed Sooz and said let's talk
Tue pm groceries - berries etc - brain dead - some of last
of Gil's weed, pudding and fave Maltese Falcon scenes - restless -
sleeping pill p;30 - sleep ~10:45 -wake ~5:30 - heavy snooze - up
Okay - show on road - this can be done - talked to Meredith R
Staffing at work about new teams being trained/switched to CORE - MA
Monica is contact I know so that's cool - also talked to teams who
use MACs or do mostly analysis, plan to get them onboard - let them
know I am focused on them/their specified needs.
And boy am I ready to argue today - as I did with Taf & Jeff -
but.. don't escalate, leave my pride out of it - so long as she is
professional, I need to be professional.
Tue Mar 13.18 nm
Still feeling reasonably good - still waking up ~4am, snoozing
comfortably - took sleeping pill last night ~9:30, sleep ~10:30 - so
pill seemed to do no good last night - gentle steady morning rain
nice additional - oh, and JAA's bottom cheeks below merged with
pussy, Beth C's - almost nightly (early morning) N's warm moist
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
I like that - try Etsy etc, it gets my work out there - try trip to
Vermont border, Wildwood boardwalk, Lost River
State Park.. maybe even Tar Hollow (OPIK) again? Or maybe OPIK's
already been done -
- leaping squealing laughing happy group of kids jumping towards me
out of woods, by concrete path from lake to lodge - it was sound,
not a visual, but a sound of youth conjuring the good feeling
finally of a group of people happy to see me when I arrived at
camp... Summer of 71-74. But yes, I don't think a bout LRY anymore.
Too long ago. I was a child.
I saw the religious culture and individuals around me were insane.
Now I'm here, and Mom and Dad are dead.
Spent all Mon studying ppt upgrade, again today - I'm good
enough now to do it pretty well, but won't be able to answer all
Make that bullet/bucket list and pursue... I have one month to live
- drive around east coast.. New England, Vermont,
Wildwood, Lost River.. yes - important to visit
childhood places. Offer Sarah W $$ for pics.
Exercise somehow - walk daily. Doc - skin and arm check.
Do it. Make time. Take Paid Days off - that's only way it will
happen. Buy a car I can sleep in. Give Sooz back Camry. Now's the
Mon Mar 12.18 nm
Now finally after months, this week start real team
training/contacts/info collection/conf room snagging/invite
sending/feedback requesting - etc. - why did dept head wait till
after hours Fri to call with info, <snip>
Two days to prepare is plenty. At my worst I'm pretty good. Put my
personal vulnerabilities aside, focus on getting them information
they need. They can tell my focus is on them - my SF office team - .
After laundry Sun pm, nice sunset - so hungry! - soul food -
cross street to Subway sandwich - 6" turkey, chips, Fanta
orange, choc chip cookies - hit the spot!
Sleeping pill & cannabis ~9, sleep ~10, up ~6am, solid sleep - pill
really works! Pretty good mentally this morning, not groggy - main
mental discomfort is about upcoming training/new depot head - not
results of sleeping pill etc.
Shower, smoothie, Nomad - laundry done, bed freshly made w/clean
bedclothes, paperwork mainly organized - signed last GT fb doc -
check sent through mail. One-time payment for permission to use -
not own, not create - my copyrighted photo - is that taxable?
Doubtful. It's just a number, but to have $100K next year at
retirement age would be - interesting - a goal.
If I die tomorrow - with luck it mostly goes to K&Xo. Most
important for my peace of mind.
No major stresses - mostly all good stuff - not being divorced -
health good - no painful relationships - not getting along with a
family member, or ex-wife is not a sign of anything wrong with me,
or with them - it's natural. Stress about training, new job tasks,
new dept head - is natural, not a sign anything is wrong with me.
Nothing wrong with me. I'm doing great.
Bla bla - will be glad when week is done - new day downing - not
really - then 4 days off on coast for 64th bday...
We all want to have a youthful perspective when we felt
invulnerable, had a lifetime ahead of us lots to learn etc - accept
gifts of age gracefully. Uh-huh. Others say, never grow up! Feh - do
what works, feels best to me.
Sun Mar 11.18 II laundry 5:42pm
Feeling unhappy - but okay.. stress of training.. mideast salad
lunch = felt better! Food!.. : Spiral Garden on Sacramento - used
voice control - enjoy using it - love that it exists!! Too early for
tomatoes/cucumbers, got: catnip, raspberry, strawberries - sent
photo of copulating butterflies to Nuria/Karen - she sent UK
Mother's Day paintings she & Xo did of each other - Xo is good! Fun!
Hooray for social media..
.. then Mechanics Bank to deposit last check from Mom )& tax
return) - felt sad, naturally - end of it, I thought $$ from
home was done - but once again "last payment" final ending no more..
another reminder that that's well over... I would usually have
called Mom today with various news items and love, and love in
Gui's Dad died suddenly a week ago - I did not mention my similar
situation with Mom's sudden unexpected death (missed spouse, no
parents) - it's his pain.. it barely matters if I know "how he
feels".. I don't, except in broad terms.. acknowledge his feelings,
don't bring in mine so soon... maybe later..
.. GT thing again.. we are.. extended rock family... like
what I read about.. it's down to us.. I knew Donnette & Scott in
Davis/Sac.. saw it all happen.. interesting position to be in.. as
she said about Red Baron video.. only one who was there from
beginning.. dark clubs, gossip, who's watch was left on bedside
dresser... what ex pretended ot be cool about it.. etc etc etc..
Downtown, comic book store, book store, gelato, park on campus to
eat ice cream, drive around campus.. find 2 combs in glove box..
bring one home... haha..
Processing feelings around training.. aside from years of
independence.. from global & within dept.. also - training is
personal to me.. it was my deepest darkest regret DUI night in jail
holding cell: I had potential to be a teacher, but would never have
chance.. then this arrived.. thank you AA, thank you Karen, thank
you economic explosion... I am deeply emotionally invested... and
.. in Berkeley book store I thought: I want to train, my emotional
need for it can exist independently - now I have opportunity to be
better trainer/speaker - these are skills that can be
and learned - so I can learn them.. like
anything, I will be imperfect at first, then get better - no one
expects me to be perfect at first few times.. hone those skills..
Bowl on way home: eggs, salad, clam chowder (potato soup),
A day to myself with plenty of time to do errands (garden store,
bank, food), and recreation (ice cream, book stores, IM/photos with
This is good. This is excellent. Because I am anxious does not mean
anything is wrong.
Sat Sonoma drive small towns shops good dinner with good old
friend Eric - we are growing old together - (smile).. yes.. talking
about our pasts, current news, and Summer music fest plans...
.. washing machines broken.. no spin cycle.. soaking clothes in
dryer for an hour, at least.. feeling better tho...
Sun Mar 11.18 nm
Whaa.. daylight savings.. also again, no sleeping pill and up
~4am.. mild anxiety/excitement about upcoming training I suppose..
pressure.. it'll be fine.. stressful, uncomfortable - but fine... it
is understood by all involved that it's a big tasks for us all - a
lot is being asked for, and virtually nothing given back -
compensation-wise.. oh, well....
Sat: Gville, walk across bridge - visit/walk around/photos
cemetery n top of hill - nice/foggy all day - not cold nor windy,
pleasant and beautiful misty -
Attempt unsuccessfully to deposit Tax/Mom checks; gas up - south
from Monte Rio on Bohemian, pleasant - mind empty - enjoying
nature/green backroad hills valleys - Occidental/energy
drink/apple/art shop - Bodega, visit every shop, $6 spinach smoothie
- normally avoid human contact; weird social 'confidence' feels
unnatural - escapism from job changes? Hyper - something - .
North, stop 1st southerly Sonoma overlook - dense fog, eat 1/2
sandwich - pee by car just as car pulls up - down steps, roll up
hiking pants/wearing Mexican shoes, hang ~20-30mins, walk in water -
slightly detached with moments of being clear/present -
~2:45 River Rd to SR, good to see Eric, comic book store, Rand
Holmes (Harold Hedd) 'must-buy', 1 other comic for me - a few for E
- Osaka, waiter brings is cedar sake without being asked (!) - haha
- not much sushi, side dishes, Kobe beef dinner, hot chocolate
dinner.. ~$200 - tell him about GT pic for fb, upcoming training
biz, reading whole bible.. told me about truck, first vehicle,
w/$30K inheritance, had to learn how to fix it, replacement 'pet' -
discuss necessity of having expensive seats to music fests - I'd not
considered they are the only 'claimed'/secure seats where we can
leave our stuff - plus provide freedom of movement..
Watch him play action video game, good flaming
arrows/dragons/imagery etc... lv ~8, ez drive.. pot, tired,
bit zombified - feeling better maybe now.. experiment, no sleeping
pill - hmm - tonight try one again - maybe 1/2?
I could have rested Sat, then coast/SR today - chose
opposite, to have a fine restful Sun w/minimal
responsibilities: Deposit checks, laundry.. yard work? Tomato/
cucumber plants! Good - taking care of myself.. my life.. I do have
Sent myself this from gville cemetery:
to have this life at all is amazing
live like you mean it
love till you feel it
a life you do not live is still lost'
In memory of Joseph C Powell 1988- 2007
Heading home now.. noon.. Juliette Binoche is so cute!! :-O
Sat Mar 10.18 9:48am coffee shop gville
Breakfast sandwich with sausage - nasty! mmm - and no internet as
usual damn it..
Foggy, lovely, quiet, inward, just what I need.. let mind
flow.. work out how Sooz/K opinion of GT letting fb use photo is
okay, long as they don't lay it on me - S insulting me (and by proxy
all of us) as 'sell-outs' was uncalled for, but that's her; K not
understanding is understandable, since she is outsider (as she did
not understand fury @K). SO nothing to see here, and no need to
respond to them not understanding. As for the 'sell-out; insult, I
believe I told her she could 'fuck off', simply meaning 'I don't
care', so we're square.
Preparing for new Dept head's sort of challenging/aggressive style
Celebrate this. It started with people telling me I'm good at
explaining - an innate skill from arguing with church and Dad(?). I
hoped for an opportunity to utilize and enjoy that skill, it
arrived, I rode it, now I'm here.
Enjoy what I have. Celebrate, Leave aside useless bitterness about
past. Save that for my out-of-work life. At work - enjoy enjoy
Sat Mar 10.18 nm
Sleep ~10? Sleeping pill worked (?) slept deep soundly till ~6..
snooze.. groggy.. considered trips... very mild headache
(pudding)... Sonoma today, Sun?
Then I'm up, shower - yes that worked.. smoothie.. coast today,
bank, laundry etc Sun... Bragg overnight? Could! but 4-daya
next week, so..
Salad, plate, silverware, sandwich, dried figs, laptop, 2 jackets,
new Mexican shirt, water jug, text Eric, tennies.. yes.. drive..
Groggy, but nothing else going on.. staying around here doesn't
sound great.. bored.. so, yes, drive.. explore.. ocean.. good
elimination at home.. good morning stiffness, wank, stayed
stiff after.. some return of confidence..(?)
7:48.. pee.. espresso.. head north.. nice.. not obsessing on next
week's training.. it's there, but I'll have 2 full days to practice,
prepare, make bullets/notes.. learning hurts, I'll be pushed out of
my comfort zone.. watched.. critiqued.. all good, yes - cool! Great
opportunity! Doing my best is all that is required. Excited. Be on
point, honest - just do the job. Centered. Remember - I have desire,
motivation, over 14yrs experience.
All loose ends tied.. bills paid, cards paid, fed tax return/M&D's
$$ banked today.
Karen & Sooz object to me letting fb use GT pub shot - GT members
and widow are fine with it. They think we are morally corrupt
sellouts? Or disrespectful? It's okay - they don't understand - they
have no idea how Gui, Donnette, Shelley & I feel.. * has no idea
what I feel when she uses S as an example of emotionally distant man
who hurt his wife. Naturally, in her position she sympathizes with
the wife. Naturally in mine I don't want to hear Scott slandered.
Radioactive truck 90mph into a wall conversation killer. We don't
understand each other; and we don't need to! We are coming at it
from wildly different perspectives - Scott was a friend and
collaborator of 30 years; and despite everything, Donnette, Gui,
Shelley (& I) will always be Game Theory. If we're cool with it,
nothing anyone else says or thinks means a thing. Let go. really,
8am - drive..
Fri Mar 9 18 hm 5:40pm
Most of day studying CORE stuff at work - slow going, there's lots.
Fb video IM'd to Sooz last night, she seemed better - less
depressed than last week - odd, both she & Sooz are uncomfortable
with Donnette, Shelley, Gui, K, Stacey & I all being okay with my
publicity shot being used in fb video - Sooz called me a sell-out.
Weird. I don't understand - but since GT, widows and I all think
it's cool fun - we win. They just jealous :-D
Funny thing about $$ - payday today - well, in order... there'll be
$2K for pic, but that'll likely be months from now, so starting last
Last check from Mom's estate, bank accounts/such arrived by mail
from Anne: $12,420 - wow! - , today's payday ~$1.8K, just got Fed
tax check ~$900.. let's see..
~$15K.. nice.. kicked my savings up to ~85 (75 after annual
predictable outlay). So Fri is money day.
I am not thinking of tithing - having lost Mom (and Dad 4+ years
ago).. feeling need for nest egg. We will align investing as
Last 2-3 nights waking ~4 then heavy snoozing... not good.. weary..
gonna try pills Doc gave me - very mild - sposed to help with
sleep.. maybe see Eric Sat and do Sonoma Sun? Or..
Sat/Eric Osake on way home.
Been a little quiet w/N - but feels natural - she busy, and maybe
intimate V shares.. maybe necessary break after that - see what's
going on. It made it all very real, and outside our fantasies.
Tonight, groceries... considered laundry... hmmm... just weary..
spend couple hours(?) in the new cafeteria looking over CORE stuff..
oh, new dept head flying out from CHI
Guy who said he'd come get roof rack twice or 3x and didn't wrote
again.. I'm not responding.. something wrong with this picture...
Called Verizon, paid for phone - there were some extra charges I
was not aware of.. but it come to an extra $10/mo for tablet.. so
I prob don't need all this stuff - I know I don't! - but -
good to keep up w/technology - that's the plan...
Saw article about Allen Ginsberg's little cottage behind house on
Milvia, where he wrote Howl.. looks like mine.. reminded me how cool
this cottage is how much I love it & enjoy it - perfect...
$10 falafel lunch/dinner again.. get a little gassy from it - but
not stinky? Not like meat farts.
~1/2 way through Hitchens' God Is Not Great.
... k... groceries... better weed?... I think I'm actually
looking forward to training - I enjoy it, excited about being a
better trainer.. first times w/new material naturally will be how
first times are - learning - getting timing/words down... so all
good.. plus R, who is sposed to help/do LA, is totally lost.. it'll
I thought - did mom tell me - she had about $150K so I figured we'd
get about 30 ea... did she say that? But I figured medical stuff
would eat it all up.. she wanted, like Marge, to spend money
on us while she was alive to enjoy doing that... poor Mom damnit -
she wanted more.. as do we all.. as so we all... we all got to go
when our time is up - no one knows when that time is... so live now
and do everything you want... she did lots... but that last month -
classes and all...
I had a thought - that, I think, in some way I reminded her of Dad
- she called me Richard once.. mentioned how that never happened
with anyone else... I look like him, talk/argue get angry like
him(?).. it's a nice thought, is all.. that her last minutes, some
part of her experienced Richard reading to her from the Bible,
holding her hand... she felt safe, and then she went to him...
Thank you Mom and Dad.
Niece Lisa was driving in town, sent pic looking up at my bldg
topped of w/fog, I send back a shot looking down towards where she
Lots of little cool things like this happen I barely notice, but
make life cool/.
Tom visited Shirley/went with Beth & Anne (?) to put Mom's ashes
with Dad's. Maybe i will visit them someday. Maybe - if I live long
enough. And - do it now - visit Wildwood NJ, and Lost River State
Park - and maybe Tar Hollow again?
So then.. groceries, reheated Vietnamese cattish chowder dinner, 3
hits of these useless pot, and one (says take 1/2 -2) of Doc's
anti-depressants that he says work for sleep. Life continues
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
Thu Mar 8.18 nm
Just ~1 week away from 4 day Bragg Birthday vacation.. 64.. rrhh..
yay!! I made it & and Thriving!
New Mexican blue bag, white shirt and large white shirt-sleeved
shirt arrived - that was fast! Blue bag for Bible - good size.
Freecycle guy emailed again for roof rack - will put it out this
Donnette asked some questions about non-disclosure form GT pic
asked us all to sign - he gave good answer - I thanked her for due
diligence - post-Gil, this opportunity to work together on something
is cool. We exist as a group. No sure, but looks like I'm more
willing to reach out to Shelley than visa-versa - still about my
photos? - no direct responses to my IMs & emails. Good to know. Thaw
Good to know. Cool. No problem I don't think.
This weekend visit Marge and John.
Last 2 nights restless sleep ~3-4am? Enough tho, not upset about
anything in particular I can see. Normal suppressed grief?
11 days till facebook page connect - it affects my whole life - I
am aware of it at some level almost 24/7. back off and do more
constructive things with my time - Etsy, drawing,
singing, walking, live music, theater, etc?
Helping the new legal guy at work find org chart of top peeps/CSS.
Yes - live a little - be happy and joyful - life is full of awful
things, we're all gonna die - can't have life without death - so
enjoy every sandwich.
Wed Mar 7.18 nm
Sooz bailed on Tues phone call - no prob, I'm always a
little relieved, as I was on TV nights, but also always glad for it
- we are both basically shy introverts who want to be left alone but
not be lonely. So we're okay.
Signed a form for GT photo - don't even know if it was mandatory
- all that was mandatory was permission - Donnette's pushing back on
some of doc stuff - see what happens.
Romance (?) novel Nuria recommended arrived. No Fed tax check yet;
curious about Mom's estate - how did this suddenly appear? Likely it
was mentioned and I forgot, or assumed it was part of previous
Sore throat Tues am, but not today - good, because if I had
another cold after 3-weeker ended 2 weeks ago, I was gonna deny
Christ. I learned what an apostate is - someone who changes their
mind about a religion, who understands what they are doing. Since I
don't think I was ever a genuine Roman Catholic, an adult who
understood and believed, or had faith in the theology/deity - I'm
not anything except human.
Because I told L I was gonna read Bible, she asked if I was gonna
get religious on her, that tiny light that burns in my soul flared
(as it had years ago with Iain), warning she was Satan, did not wish
me well. yep. Life-long. But I know its a lie. So it's okay. reading
the Bible will be interesting as I face it again and again. Fear and
pain, insult, letting down my parents, fearsome ancient brutish
authority hurting children.
Knock it down, if I live long enough I may overcome my youth to
I've heard this, what I'm feeling - facing mid-60s with both
parents dead - that I'm not wishing to be young again, for sexual
power again - I want experience of "being young", as if the world,
my body and self were new, to be explored excited about -
possibilities. Mom said that - it is common. Normal. Yes.
Showered last night.. what steps can I talk re 3 new things: Etsy,
I bought bible and have new larger bag on way to
Sign up for Etsy - worry about product later.
Eating Falafel every day.. Buy: lentils, rice(?),
cucumbers, sauce(?), falafel balls - wrap in tortilla (?).
I can't print articles etc so easily as I used to, because work
printer is way down hall - by on for home? Or - get kindle on
Had some crystallized ginger last night - looked it up - pure sugar
- not that great, I just liked concept/words 'crystallized ginger' -
sounds fantastical. Dumped remainder in trash this morning.
two people contacted me about roof rack, put it on sidewalk, end of
day, still there - flakes? Or did I not respond correctly?
Tue Mar 6.18 nm
Sleep ~10:30, up ~6... alarm 6:30.. refreshed, comfortable - back
in a comfortable routine, days longer.., birds singing in yard..
dishes done, trash empties, electronics working,, regular digestion,
finances reasonable - throat a bit sore!?! From eating Stilton
cheese before sleep?
3rd contact about roof rack, but he hasn't emailed back. Shelley
for through to GT photo guy on 2nd try.. all good... see how this
A few grand here and there is nice, but... $1.3K tax return, $1.5K
(after tax) for GT photo, maybe $1K (?) from Mom's estate Anne just
wrote about... and what does it matter.. even if it was $200K, would
not assure a comfortable retirement... if I have 100K when I
'retire' still gonna be essentially fucked, poor, fixed income, etc.
A regular paycheck is a nice thing. So no sense in worrying too
I have this moment, today - health, this breath, a safe assumption
that odds are good I'll live though this time of sun up till
Keep Morale up - don't hang around people who are mean to me (Tom),
who have chosen objects over me (Shelley), who deep down have a
cockteasing heart of stone (*)... easy decision.. let them go...
compare any of them to the least of my friends who care a little
about my well-being.. easy decision.. I know it, in spite of
wriggling nerve wants to want them just so I can make them take
blame - unknot that knot.. walk away.. let go..
Have a good day... I am alive and whole.. this is good - today will
be good - tonight I talk to a friend in Oregon.. life is good...
Mon Mar 5,18 II bed 8:15pm
I dug the day - settled in @wk already
In hr early, 9min walk to EC2 for dentist/clean - all looked good -
digital x-ray - said no long-term concerns, nothing to throw
insurance $$ at.. considering what I walked in with, real good..
Dept $350 State tax return on way back to ST - nice brisk day for a
walk - streets w/ working class people like me, winter white morning
light - I think I like working in a place that isn't also a shopping
center like EC1 - city streets, traffic, lots of other workers,
instead of shoppers like at EC1.. anyway, different... reminds me
I'm not special, just another worker...
Facepages, complex chart recreation under pressure, more or less
got it done... top guy Vern called for support, said nice things
about me something like "Simple job like this a waste of your
skills." not in those words - last week Sara DC blonde top global
ADAPT person said "You're the best we have." (Graphically) - wow -
thank you - new hire photos from LA - checking in w/TSG about
extensions for facepages.. free cereal/milk, coffee - a cafeteria
WTH? So cool - I dig new space - everyone high/happy/excited - come
on... this is a blast.. $10 Falafel from cross street, ordered on
phone went got it - lasts me lunch & dinner, and is
healthy/vegetarian - nice. Tom & Beth/Anne put Mom's ashes in the
wall thing w/Dad & Ruth. Weird as fuck, that dust idea - but people
do it. Anne said she sent everyone checks from Mom's estate.. huh? -
knew nothing about it - assuming that's her bank accts, cash on hand
etc, like not to come to much..
Got everyone's okay for GT pub shot in video.. hope it happens -
hope I get paid... short check-in with the guys was cool, we're till
Game Theory. GT plus Stacey & Kristine - power memories & connection
in that group . shared experience, grief, aging..
'Modern' new phones @wk, but no instructions. Have used my Skype-y
headphones twice.. work fine.
Reading God is not Great - he's just fun to read - a popular
Mon Mar 5.18 nm
Sun pm drive to Bowl for berries/salad/pudding, etc, Rockridge for
Stilton, coffee/red magazine about Boys In The Band revival/'out'
gay actors, Telegraph/Alcatraz to vacuum out Camry.. that was good;
car garbage was getting out of hand. Need to organize tapes.
Sleep ~10:45 - good sleep - anger/tension around work changes - new
boss etc - trying to let go - it's on me to deal with it.
In early for 10am dentist - see how walk times out - $350 state tax
Sun Mar 4.18 II 3:30
Lady dropped by for roof rack - too big for car.. rgh..
Hang, chat w/Buff, angrybirds, find Mexican shirt/show place online
(on shirt label - duh :-D ) - order another white shirt, a
short-sleeved green shirt and hand bag: $170 - mideast salad lunch;
weed, prune datura, sidewalk bush, bucket list to do now:
Read Bible front to back
Sell Frida pics on Etsy
Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home
Good list. Hummingbirds.. longer days, more light.. Mom's death is
all over me - make note -
Walk to Bowl for pudding, salad?
Sun Mar 4.18
Ahh.. up ~5:30, considered coast/Sonoma loop.. felt so good to
chill relax in warm bed.. did that.. up~ 8am.. checked weather, may
be sunny on coast, but cold.. I'm good with chill weekend..
Could do some gardening, but it's all wet from rain - Olampoli?
Maybe - be nice to get out for fresh air... on way home drop books
at Nicasio... hmm..
Off fb for another 2 weeks - so far not too much trouble - tho wish
I could post to let people know where I am -
- Sat talked to Will about use of GT pub shot - contacted
Gui/Donnette/Shelley/Kristine/Stacey for permission - said ~$2K for
me, ~200K for ea - need permission from Scott & Gil's estate - need
by mid-day Mon - for a video by a major social network
company - cool if it happens - he seemed really happy that it could
get done - says ** loves the photo - whatever - a talker - a
bullshitter? - not sure I care - - but I do, or would not be so
focused - it is a compliment they like photo so much - we all
know it's a good one - just get it done - kinda cool for
everyone involved, why not? If it goes through, it'll be my photo &
their faces/history for 3mos nation TV(?) + a year online. Whatever
... haven't heard from Shelley yet, Donnette said she'd call
today.. a bit awkward contacting K, played it straight, she
responded w/no drama, so that's good...
... Roof rack on Freecycle, got a nibble this morning.. then
Sunny today, no breeze... hmm - Tilden maybe after all?
Another nibble - bite? on roof rack - says she can get it working &
pick it up any time today...
Now working out arrangements for 10:45am roof rack pickup.. fingers
Nothing more yet from Tom in Cinci w/Shirley - checked msgs on home
phone - one from Shirley, on xmas, thanking me for reading bible to
Her atheist son.. doing it for her... I got to give her that back
for all she did. Family. Special gift to me, to make amends for
grief I caused her. That bible is now the Family Bible, regardless
of who has it at the moment.
Everything is a test... not everything is a test... nothing will be
thrown at me I can't handle.. losing Gil is intolerable... I am
tolerating it... paradoxes.. get used to it
Watched some Firing Line with Hitchens last night - cool - next..
TED talks? I have put too much weight on them - ease up, let go -
watch just for entertainment, presentation skills - maybe
I am sorta hung up on that last moment with Mom - let go of that,
too - time will release me soon enough; let it.. If I want to feel
good about being comfortable reading bible verses sincerely thinking
of her comfort, then be glad for that small comfort to both of us...
that was her gift to me, maybe Dad's and churches', too - they
impressed upon me importance of being kind/generous, thinking of
Mom thought she had weeks, months, years left to do things she
hadn't done - playing dulcimer, learning email...
... learn from her 'mistake'. There is no tomorrow. Do not fear. I
can do anything I want. She was depressed after Dad's death...
5yrs.. our calls/visits helped keep her afloat...
What am I putting off? Religion? Wisdom of religion? So - next..
read that bible front to back. Too big? Get a bigger shoulder bag.
Done. That's a good one.
And - make an Etsy or something with my Fridas. yes. Another good
one. Something I say I'll do after I retire.
Also, cooking cheap and healthy at home.
Yes - 3 good ones.
And.. pay someone to come dance nude for me?
So yeah - I'm on facebook's shit list.. only smart thing to do is
play it safe - remove all figure art - download/delete those
images/folders. It's their game - wise up.
10:30 - headed home for 10:45 rook rack pickup.
Life is good.
Sat Mar 3.18 nm
Think I covered it all last night...
Slept well, rainy.. comfy bed, quiet mind.. up around 7am.. parents
dead, so no one to rebel against.. it's normal, don't feel guilty...
Looked back at week: 3-Mo anniv of Mom's sudden, unexpected death >
new office > amazing views, modern interior > new dept
head/organization > new job intake ot get used to > Dept supervisor
morning guy out
W-F, so I open 7am... I didn't fail.. couple of awkward social
interactions; nervous blabbing may be embarrassing, but not a threat
to my survival & not too late to adjust my behavior..
Greg from Omni forwarded vague email from their distributor, asks
about using LN GT close-up photo - need in a hurry > "rights are 3
months US broadcast and 1 year digital/internet." Offered to pay..
might need signed model releases, gotta be done by EOD Mon >
maybe a push to sell GT product? I responded offering flexible
cooperative support, & contacted Gui, Shelley, Donnette through fb
backup page & email. Now I wait.
Big week > I did well > and this morning I feel relaxed and
content, having taken care of business...
Mideast salad Fri dinner > snacking on dried figs satisfies
I'm not over that Mom died... parents are Gods... our foundation...
I want it back, look to Charleston WV, Catholic church teachings for
perspective, & to bounce myself against.. that's point, right?
Bounce against an immovable object, you take on qualities of object.
But main thing is I feel good now, healthy, happy, sane, honest...
Fri Mar 2.18 nm 5pm
Always good to have 7am days over - W-F in early - went fine
except for Thurs am when new dept head ate up hours of
morning w/multiple emails, requests, complaints, phone call etc. I
think I got one job done - 4 complex slides. But - cool - slept
well, felt rested - that's what I've been noticing -
- after months of anticipation/mild anxiety about move to new bldg,
and not knowing if we'd have dept head - & on top of that CORE
training coming up - done - studied CORE training/have
materials/modules, move into new bldg 90% done/healthy veggie
falafel place cross street works for lunch/dinner - new dept head in
CHI, new intake mostly working... two new hires did video, pics at
opening - great! Let them do it.
Feeling lighter, stronger, less anxious - talking too much! Man, am
I a talker! Gah! Just - say less. I begin to babble.
I knew I could do it - did good - helped supported peeps, ate work
food, attended BBL about Advanced Analytics/Machine Learning,
laundry, groceries, paid rent, paid up cards, digestion back to
normal, etc. Yes - a weekend with no plans is prime time good yeah
sign that life is right. Cool.
No tax returns yet; undecided where in yard to put solar-powered
lights.. finished Chandler's Long Goodbye.. what an enjoyable yarn!
Reading wiki on Algerian War & Hitchens' God Is Not Great - I
questioned myself 'Why go backward to wallow in anti-religious
bitterness?' - realized it's more about enjoying his fine
mind/writing style. Yes! Go! Wifi in cottage, tablet talk with Sooz
Tickets for Nicasio BBQs (not to mention two weekends of Russian
River music festivals/cottage for Eric & I) - that takes competence,
awareness, planning. See?
A lover. I need a lover.
Accidentally pasted note to N in L's IM - we talked it out - it's
okay. It is important to be respectful and not sloppy in our
communications. It was more about what it's not, than what it
is. It is not sign there's competition or that she is being
replaced. Other friends are 'necessary company'. That's harsh - I
mean she/we is/are time-tested deeper ways that we don't understand,
but have lasted/proved to be true. She is still in me. Nothing
I'm not tired all the time - eating good food, sleeping enough -
keeping myself mentally active - job's good for that and socializing
- yes, all good.
Tom's in Cinci w/Shirley - she went to emergency room today with
pain. I don't know what she looks like. Good for Tom, tho.
I don't regret the $$ spent on Mendo/Bragg trips - currently
71/60.. rent paid.. month of paid time off - should be able to save
$2K this month. 75 has a nice ring to it. I think looking for 80/70
EOY. Forget about raise - not gonna happen. Enjoy what I got -
worrying about the future and dreaming a raise will change anything
is silly. If I want more $$ in bank, make meals at home, carry them
to work lunch with me, like all the other working class slobs like
And heck - new view from work - still sinking in, what it 'means' -
means nothing, but - I am surprised at where I find myself, maybe it
means I'm smarter, more competent/ talented than I know. Maybe it
means I can ease up on myself. But mainly - it means I am fortunate,
lucked into this position, find myself in a slot where I fit well -
sharing this cool experience, celebrating move, success of company,
coolness of SF, and SF views.. all I have is because of others..
once I accepted support/love, things started going well - I admitted
that fear was not working, I had to do life even tho I was/am
afraid. Millions of people created /defended this culture, morals
from silly religions, parents, family, economy.. I had a thought
about it last night - death of remaining parent - put s whole new
perspective on things, there's no more relying on youthful illusions
- need new illusions haha. Adult illusions. I say I reject movies,
but no - look how I read books & articles about movies, reviews,
watch clips on youtube, Maltese Falcon endlessly - don't lie to
myself - I'm a product of this media culture like all rest. Get over
myself. I'm no better. No in that shallow way.
And yeah - pretty damn cool in new bldg - so modern! No reflection
on me personally - we all need jobs - I have somehow shifted into
this cool position in cottage. yard / skylight / very cool
housemates, job in tall bldg. Works. Nice. I like it. It has high
value. I enjoy it. Yeah.
Wed Feb 28.18 laundry 5:39pm
R gone W-F, I'm in 7am - was a bit concerned, since: new job intake
system, new building, new temperamental dept mgr... Assertive new
hire (1 year?) feeling oats.. but gets things done and learns fast!
Still, in some areas, because of my experience, I know more than he,
and he's cooling off a little in response.. so it's good... plus,
I'm okay with him being efficient - makes my job easier, just let it
... will he take over from R.. do I smell something in the air...?
Slow day, too - yay! - got papers partially organized (CORE, new
bldg), explored nearby cafeteria (ooouuu..!), got headphones for
Skype... practice new job intake.. getting better... chatted with
Sarah Dey about ADAPT, what it is & also enjoying new office layout
trade-off: less privacy vs. more community/socializing/contact/less
hierarchical.. yes. cool... couple easy jobs, new hire photo of cool
programmer geek girl who liked my Frida montage... all good...
... yes, amazing fucking views... such a treat... millions of jobs
harder, suckier, less pleasant, less creative, no training, no
fulfillment, no view, no light, etc.. so yes, blessed and grateful..
Sent couple snaps of view to sibs.. Tom's response: "Wow.
Incredible. Benefits of working for evil, soul corrupting
corporations." Haha.. y'know.. an opportunity to be 'nice', instead
does passive-aggressive, I-was-only-kidding, you're-oversensitive
shtick. It is not ever going to change. Let go of dream of getting
along with him. Have a regret if I like, twinge of embarrassment
over memories of bad behavior he saw... but I'm better now. No there
there. This is guy who, in front of other, asked for bible I was
reading from to Mom when she took last breaths... everyone
understood, given emotional circumstances, I would have it, or maybe
be family bible - but he had to have it because he was with her when
she bought it? Makes no sense. He just needed attention.
Maybe I should overlook given, as Joan said, we were all raw/not in
best shape. On other words... he does things that annoy/insult
me/make me stay away (on top of him showing no serious
interest in having a friendly brother/brother relationship), but
this case, where we were all shattered, let that one go - that was
not him in normal day-to-day sense - it cost me little to let him
have it, state my piece 'Long as it stays in family' etc - not
having it around keep me from over-sentimentalizing about it etc.
So it's good.
Well-rested.. good coffee at work - $10 falafel place cross St good
for lunch and dinner, along w/wk snacks. Pretty cool..
Long chat w/Sooz last night - been phone only for months(?) w/Skype
audio fucking up... got tablet/fb video IM working last
night.. cool! - told in some detail about viagra experiment - she
depressed... Jack's drawing and music...neighbors etc...