Oh, hey -

 Mon Jun 17.18 nm
 "You become what you resist. It is not personal."
 9-5:30 every day now going forward. Big work changes, along with big ppt tool/training changes stressful of course.. relax mush as possible - anxiety is result of fear of failure.
 Sun lv ~noon for Olampoli - fairly easy drive, sunny day.. felt almost no connection/nostalgia for my past there.. 40 years.. 1977-78 worked dig there.. I was.. 23'ish.. got to college late.. started Laney winter of '76.. Olampoli dig summers of '77-'78. ~24 when I got to Davis. Lovely day tho, pbj on drive, salad in big bowl in parking lot, stroll usual loop - throw rocks into stream targets, testing hand-eye-brain-distance-body-trust.. lizards.. one tiny, skinny black snake.. lush green, knee okay just small soreness..
 ~3 head to Nicasio, that lovely drive, arrive ~4, packed, park in spot by baseball field.. low chair in aisle.. first all guitar band good (loud!), salmon BBQ, 2 margaritas & bottled waters.. Elvin Bishop band good, didn't matter at all I saw them just last week in Gville...
 Low & a bit stressed all day.. felt better when music distracted.. that's what it does.. the 'live'-er, louder, funnier the better.. life in just generally stressful, what with dying and such.. don't lay all my stress on daddy issues/bosses.. economic system stressing me out - life -, not individuals in system.. it is not personal.. do not resist.. don't passive aggressive analyze try to outthink it.. it doesn't work.. The System says "Work, or starve, or die without health insurance." It does not think, or debate. Work or die.
 Nu (Mex/Ital artist) ria & I exchanged thoughts.. been very quiet, both working a lot, early heat cooled of months ago.. there's nowhere to go.. we not going to be lovers/fall in love etc - fantasies were always fantasies,,, fun.. but.. anyway.. escapism, for a while I was minor celebrity, viral Frida montage, Scott photos being used, my nudes on private facebook page.. without being cruel or cold we acknowledge "it" is over.. we can still chat share etc but daily helloes prob over.. okay.. I like her & her art..
  Almost 8.. lv ~8:15.. see if I get to work @9.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Sun Jun 16.18 nm
 General anxiety this morning - changes at work naturally stressful, & anxiety causes mild depression/fear - really it's small stuff (compared to say health issues) there is no genuine threat of losing livelihood - breath, breath.. let go.. if plan to do Olampoli/BBQ stressful, skip Olampoli, relax at home--but fresh air stroll, back roads cruise sounds good! Life is good. My life is real cool.
 If I died right now, people, friends could say: he had good friends, loved/supported his god-daughter, was grateful to her mother for honoring his love, did his best with Family relations, had a job he enjoyed, had some success and 'fame' with his photography/photoshop - esp Frida with gun - enjoyed gardening, created w wonderful yard space, was generous with friends in need, enjoyed nature hikes, biking, reading, music, dancing, live music festivals & summer BBQs, did not drink (to excess) or smoke, sushi!, funny/clever, after DUI got his act in order - years in AA, worked to be a good employee - , appreciated his Alma Mater, visited one long weekend /year for music/arts festival, appreciated opportunity to train at his job (after being told for years he'd be good at it), did his best at work and with friends, despite being introvert tried to avoid isolating, ate healthy, did his best to be present with dying friends (Gil) Mother, Father, keeps eye on budget, tries new things, very grateful for kindness from friends, quality time on coast..
 See? I'm not just 'not screwing up', I'm doing well.
 Front yard looks good, base of food plants turned over, watered, fertilized.. zinnias in a row.. Sat ~6 Rockridge sushi boat - hungry! -2 large hot sakes,, ordered cooked salmon plate, they forgot, I said 'no prob, but never mind gotta go', chef made me a quick hot salmon sushi - really good! Yum.
 Created new tumblr for my photos, esp old nudes.
 Happy Godfather's day on fb from K, goodbye photos of UK back yard, please come take furniture.. move in 2 weeks..
 10am.. home shower, hit road with salad, Olampoli - grateful that knee feeling better - give new boss a break, cut her slack, do not take it operationally she treats everyone same, then music and food in Nicasio Valley.. cool..

 Sat Jun 15.18 nm
 Fri <wk big laundry, getting rid of old clothes, reading E Leonard's Mr. Paradise.. waiting for plot to settle then you realize you're halfway through - that is EL's style - sleep ~10:30-8am, rollercoaster videos, versions of Puccini's Nessun Dorma from Turandot.. coffee & breakfast sandwich at Nomad -
 Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ, today I'm thinking Olampoli & backroads drive, maybe a small hit of pot.. groceries.. bills paid
 Next week start 9-5:30 every day
 K packing to move to King's Lynn, big pick up early July to get rid of old small fridge & Camry roof rack
 Tasted first raspberry from front yard - yummy sweet! - helping cucumber tendrils find cage, tomatoes look happy!
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. This is a good life. My life is good. No complaints.
 Noticing the naked ladies in this here 'blog' - public diary - whatever the fuck it is.. it's the good weather.
 I am feeling a little lonely/isolated right now - Sooz busy in OR w/her life/unhappiness/health, K busy moving/E troubles, Buff is a bright spot when we see each other, Mexican artist N is a light touch - it is slowed down and quiet.. there's not much social life, and almost none here in town.. sad if I think about it.. but common.. I cherish what exists because of that..  yet this seems to be my (and many others') nature, I vaunt to be alone..
 Boy gloomy all day - from jelly beans sugar before sleep? If a cranky boss is my biggest concern in life, then I have no complaints - it's a quality problem, I have a job. So focus on the good, count my blessings.
 Decided on Olampoli tomorrow, backroads to BBQ - sounds great! Farm Mkt, lunch, asked Spiral garden guy about fruit trees (Myers lemons/blood orange), they need fertilizer 4x/yr! "They eat a lot!" Went got some, also several of those amazing flowers(?) used to have in front, stopped at Bowl for salads, bananas, raspberries, just weeded, planted, massaged fertilizer into all fruit plants front/back, extra water: blueberries, raspberries, cucumbers, tomatoes, strawberries - now sit back and watch patiently. Beautiful day.

 Thu Jun 13.18 nm
 grr, cranky.. offered to cancel summer vacation mid-July so as not to inconveniencies training/dept...
 Starting Mon 9-5:30.. I'll miss late mornings, but not bad, not like 8am in. All good. It's a job. Do not resist. Getting high praise for upgrade trainings - counts for a lot - high visibility, appreciation for my flexibility (scheduling and timing) - all good. Visited Summer interns w/questions, seemed happy to see me - I connected with them. Fun.
 Blue fest memory morning sitting on hillock overlooking river & trees with old friend.. the best..
 Karen moving to King's Lynn, Xo freaking out, me sending love, Blue helping out.. E in Scotland.. damn...
 Looked at finances, looking good, 3 paycheck month, I think Blues fest cost less than anticipated/cushion.. cc's paid up.. cash in car.. everything good in that regard..
 Misplaced BBQ tickets, called company, they re-sent.. cool - I have ticket for sold-out Sun Elvin Bishop BBQ and many others..
 Use mortality/sadness/human condition to encourage myself to enjoy time I have.. help others.. I think I do..
 Curious/bored downloaded Mamabliss obscene snuff comics again.. scanned before sleep.. is that why sleep was rough, sweaty? - because I hate them.. ugly.. nightmarish.. yet nudity appeals.. no more.. I knew it, but curiosity got better of me..
 That's better, a pretty photo of a pretty girl I liked who liked me.. Eric's house of sin haha..

 Wed Jun 12.18 nm
 1st day back from River music fest, rough back at wk, but got through it, 2 trainings - 1 spontaneous 1hr w/top team & Partner/Director who all loved it, Director personally picked up my lunch falafel, brought it to me. Yay. I think to remain healthy - physically & mentally, I need to go to work, do my best, come home, lv work at work best possible - I will not be able to get everything done in a timely fashion; but make a bullet list, prioritize, work through them.
 Starting both days at back hillock overlooking river before music started.. sunny, but not too hot in early June (as it can be in Sept) very very nice, simply sitting quietly enjoying moment and company, anticipation.... going into town for sushi lunches, checking golf course (closed).. cool...
 Wk boss asked us for phone #s home address - address seems a bit intrusive - but, look at reality - if I want to work there I have to obey requests from boss - boss is boss - boss has to do what her boss says, upwards, onwards forever - so just do it - no whining, no passive-aggressive delays - if it becomes intrusive etc, then push back, but choose my battles wisely. Things were loose and sloppy under Taf - which had its own downside - now more like a real job.
 Right knee feels much better after relaxing getaway weekend - going up and down stairs like crazy. Nice.
 Salad dinner, sit with Buff in backyard chairs chatting - blue and red lights on cottage - very nice - bed early - ~10-7:30...
 I again have misplaced Rancho Nicasio tickets - don't know if I have one for this Sun's sold-out Elvin Bishop BBQ - look, and look online to see if I have account list.
 4-day week.
 1 month till 2 week OR vacation. Not too late to cancel.
 Being an artist is great!

 Mon Jun 10.18 gville cottage 9:50am
 Eric split ~30mins ago - chilling - showered, breakfasted, mostly packed.. beautiful morning.. work stress, but less - boss barely n mind.. all bosses have bosses have bosses have bosses, & shit runs downhill - just how it is.. there is no other world.. get used to it..
 Work asks you to do too much - like asking for 55mph  but know you'll go 65.. so long as I'm doing my best, I can take pride in my work.
 Yes, 4-day vacation.. with friends - 9th year! Cool. Some good, some not so - always a good refreshing time to remember what's important: friendship, relaxation, music, nature's beauty..
 ~1.5 beers Sat - pop music.. meh.. checked putt-putt golf, closed! Owner died? For sale? Nice walk tho - perfect weather all weekend! Eric & I have a comfortable flow. Front row seats - "Swag bag" (poster, free local newspaper) and hanging neck thing - lanyard? - was bullshit - we joked about it at front table, but front row seats at far left were actually kinda nice.
 Sun started good, snuck into sitting area behind wine garden, comfy chairs watching river - pretty Australian black slacks/white blouse playing rock blues w/good bar band - then Elvin Bishop threesome did some excellent blues, like his playing/guitar tone/himself, got up close yes makes a difference seeing his hands - after got a tshirt and awkward handshake. Taj Majal - 1.5 beers for him - so good! Transcendent - they were enjoying themselves, didn't want to stop, but oh, my yes he is son damn good. Outdoors, cool breeze, all guitar - blue sky - being close yes. Stepped out for sushi lunch.
 Those two sort of blew us out - Robert Cray is good, is a bit Pop/Blues - Eric Burdon /Animals did all his hits, can still sing - We Got To Get Out Of This Place great song.. Deanne Franklin setting up Burdon's monitors - called out her name - "I'm Photo Robert!" - we blew each other kisses - she looks good - seeing Burdon like seeing Mount Rushmore.. we stayed far back on a grassy hill - most all of it too loud for our old ears - we liked the old guys doing old Blues - Elvin Bishop & Taj Mahal brought it home - they have real folk history in their playing.
 Watched Deadwoods at night - ate plenty - kept beer to minimum.. 2.5 for me Sun, a beer or two makes dancing easier - but poured out last half during Burdon's set.. why bother. Not into intoxication for its own sake.
 Cheeping bird snacking on my breakfast tray on the porch.
 So.. 9th year! 2010 our first at Dawn Ranch. 2011 this cottage. 2012 Cowboy/Indian cottage.
 This weekend started with me feeling pretty down.. parents dead (Mom died ~6mos ago, and still missing Gil) - mortality in my face, makes us mammals sad - mild depression caused by work anxiety, asking for more than possible - failure unavoidable. Yeah but - still - don't stress small stuff. Do my best, and I'm okay. My health is good - so long as you have your health, you're okay. Knees were tender but fine all weekend & slept well - 7hrs/night. Had some mocha energy drinks from hippie store.
 I will adjust. I'll be okay. Everyone has to deal with the sadness/meanness (said Mom) of death/own mortality - it's a new way. I can still be happy. Mom was depressed, loved calls from her children. I'm sad about Gil, his network binds closer together for support. This is a good life - all lacking is immortality :-D. One must get on with it. There is no hope, no solution. Acceptance is key.
 Big questions about the human condition we all must face.
 Yeah? Yeah. Nice.
 ~1980 when I'd switched major from painting to photo? 10:30 - into town for espresso, hippie store for chocolate drinks - what to eat? Down coast, inland at Tomales to backroads maybe... nice.. free day which I earned.. sitting here, in the last hour of cottage is nice.. good shower this morning.. even the hotel coffee tasted good.. :-)

 Sat Jun 9.18 gville am
 Johnson beach party today - next year back to Jazz/Blues weekend.
 Left ~noon Fri, some bad traffic  - no rush, comfy car & music helped.. stop at fruit stand for smoothie stuff etc.. gville ~2? So good to be here, beautiful, almost cried with relief - made it... nap/sleep till ~4 Eric arrive - into town for dinner, but hadn't eaten & lasagna is not really nutritious - had my 1st Moscow Mule - yummy! Walk over to beach, through gate, flat area w/comfy cool chairs by wine garden, sit chill listen to sound check echoing off forest valley hills...
 Sleep well I think ~11-6.. up 8, motel bkft, smoothies w/Eric.. quiet relaxed.. bumming a bit on work stress/impossibility of working 2 full-time jobs - it did not stop me from getting her, having fun, living my life, all of us are in same boat - coffee eggs/bagel helped.. if a bit of food helps, then it's no big deal - We hear sound checking in distance..
 Okay.. check out this scene...
 Fri Jun 8.18 nm
 Ahh - 4 day weekend, cottage in gville, music fests by river.. thank you Karen for connoting me to Buff, DJ & cottage - thanks all around for life, leisure, lessons, job, family, schooling, etc.
 After wk Fri just chill @hm, salad dinner, cheese/bread snack.. sleep ~11, sleep deep/well till ~7, feel refreshed.. smoothie, weed front sidewalk trying to make succulent bed - some are 'taking' - Fri took care of everything at work: phone, email, respond to training requests etc - Fri afternoon training went well I think. Yes.
 Having all - not only work - bills, laundry, yard, etc - taken care of, now on cruise.. but engaged, not escapist.. 4+ days to chill.. nice time span.. this is a nice moment.. I earned it, deserve it, work/planned for it, including taking a chance to invite friend Eric.. yes... lovely cool sunny morning..
 pack shower water yard.. don't forget anything.. tickets, blender, clothes, chargers, toiletries, pot pipe (if I even smoke at all) - food from Safeway.. Stop for cash on way out of town.. Uber cc from drawer (been leaving it at home as backup in case lose wallet)..  body feels good - took Ibuprofen last night..
 Read "statistic" - only ~20% over 65 working full time? Or was it 20% work 'gig' jobs? To supplement Social Security, or to supplement full-time jobs? Nah - just researched more - they try to cushion it a bit, but hard fact is you work till you die - healthcare is expensive, finding a new job after 55 is hard.. even part-time..  just hang onto this job long as I can.. then deal with whatever life hands you.. it's kind of scary -
 .. but right now is good - tomorrow never comes... yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream..
 Today, here, now - all is good, and next few days should be relaxing and fun.. up to me to bring good attitude.. not river, or music, or friend or anything.. me.. bring good attitude..
 Bucket list.. woman to touch? Gotta be love comfort trust. When it comes.. the wait was worth it. Thank god the the quality love I have.
 9:20 - home now.. shower pack.. lv before noon. Casual.
 Looking for an opportunity to beat system, to not have to work, to act out rebellious teen fantasies - back then when we do that we are just a big pain in the ass till life kicks us enough we learn our lesson, if we're lucky.. hoping to do that as adults is plain foolishness, delusional  - reality is we have to work to eat, live, see doctor.. urge to rebel escape run remains,, but acting on it no viable.
 It's early June.. last 2 weeks of July I am out of here... that will cause ;problems at work. Should I consider cancelling summer vacation? Not too late - cancel cottage and try for later in summer? Think on it. I miscalculated. Thought we'd be further along by now.
 Thur Jun.7.18 nm
 It's been all work, eat, sleep for work so not much blogging this week . . . organizing/doing trainings.. yikes! Feedback from trainings good, small 2.3% cost-of-living increase -
 Fri-Mon off - Sat Johnson Beach celebration party, Sun Blues fest.. Elvin Bishop, Taj Majal, Eric Burdon, Robert Cray.. looking forward to cottage, redwoods, river, Eric's company - friend! - old friends... yay...  gold... rest/relaxation/fun with an events nearby.. cool.. maybe no alcohol Sat, why bother with one beer? Feeling good over all more important then 2-3hours of alcohol-fueled 'excitement', loudness, attention-seeking, etc. weather looks to be good.
 It's not where I am, it's where I'm at. Be in a good space in Gville. Don't count on the event/location to lift me up.
 This morning: door latch jammed - oh, fly-swatter handle jammed in it.. then, rolled a lemon down street, swung arm, whipped jacket pocket full of quarters into my upper lip.. ow! Bleeding a little.. ow! Nothing like smack in mouth to wake on up! A bit depressing.. I want to be good and relaxed.. but life does what it will.. don't detach, don't disengage.. relax, yeah, but stay engaged with life..
 ..otherwise you miss little things, like fly swatter door jams and pockets full of quarters.. damn! ow! yeah.. be engaged.. fear not.. fearless..
 Stopped at Plough for beer, Tue pm for burger & beer.. been stopping at Plough after work for 1 IPA and/or food.. watch it.. but for now, okay.
 A bit anxious last night, will I sleep?, I said yeah, relaxed, waited till I was physically tired.. seemed to have barely moved from 10:45-6:45.. nice. Sleep.
 K moving end of month.
 Drawing a blank - everything is okay - roof, bed, food, savings, car - bills paid - no debt - credit cards paid (just now) - tech okay (phone/laptop etc) - cut back on daily facebook posts - just finished (Cuba Libre / Elmore Leonard), not Dark Thirty, from L, scary black folk tales - yard great: tomatoes, strawberries, avocados, cucumbers, raspberries ( a few), blueberries - tiger lilies - chairs to sit under overhanging trumpet flowers with red and blue solar powered lights - yes, this is good - if I am 'unhappy' is it just life, aging, mortality - but really this is very very good. A certain amount of misery is normal. Religion is a glorious misery?
 Tomorrow I'll be in Gville - and I will still just be me. Whoever that is. Self-image - keep good care and protect it. Valuable. No one can damage it if I don't let them.

 Sun Jun 3.18 laundry 7:08pm
 So.. after Fri evening weirdness, post-work stress Plough pizza 2 IPAs pass out under covers in work clothes.. slep ~9-10hrs
 Sat in weird head space.. I have always feared not being able to do my job, so have tried to excel in other things - training, photos, photoshop, networking, helping.. now I must face that original fear, sink or swim. Based on good annual review, I'm fine. Current overload is global, no particular pressure on me to do impossible.
 Sat showered, ate, biked to Telegraph, People's Park World Music Fest.. bit out-of-it mentally - maybe I wanted to stone loose mental day, a fuck it relaxed fuck it day - qawwali music pretty darned good, saw/avoided Janis Owen who I knew way back when, have avoided since, not 100% sure why, probably unrequited lust resentment - borderline depressed/hungry stepped away for salmon teriyaki/large sake, back for reggae - danced a lot, enjoyable - cool! Mali music next - Telegraph pub in La Fiesta bldg. They were good! I had 3 tequila drinks, chatted with strangers, danced swayed grooved. Bought 2 CDs, chatted with main guy, filmed part of one song that river-tranced me out - said to other dancer - "That took me there." She agreed. South Berkeley is scummy, yet there you go; it was there for scummy me when I needed it in 73.
 Biked home, stopped at WF for berries, pudding, bananas, eggs, Pt Reyes travel food, etc.
 Sleep ~11 - ? - after pudding cups, up ~6:30, stayed in dream bed sleeping till ~9am. Catching up on sleep. And also having alone Robert time.
 Strong impulse for Reyes - a little scummy from the drinks (don't do that next week!!) - concerned about knees but did it - brought turkey sandwich, falafel balls with hummus, dried figs, walking stick - lv ~11 - stop to shower - no sense strolling/ hiking feeling scummy - Nicasio for mocha drink, tootsie pops, hello to counter guy, art book from shelf -
 - short 5-mile stroll: Meadow > Sky > Mt Wittenberg - w/side stroll off peak to sit/relax nr horse trail w/nice view of Limantour - lovely perfect day, not too hot, clear blue skies, light breeze, birds, lizards - mind full of work stress - but as always, might as well do it in a beautiful place.
 It's not about her - it's about work being overloaded. That helps. Not boss's job to be sympathetic.
 This is a nice life - having a weekend w/free music, drive to Marin for Reyes hikes, plenty to eat etc.
 Adjusting to life with romance of life gone - Hello death!. Friends - some are okay - but K & Sooz having rough times.
 Figure get laundry done, so ready to leave Fri morning For music, cottage weekend. Nice.
 It's dry!
 Almost 8.. can sleep in tomorrow. There is only one thing bad in my life right now worrying me - work being hard and stressful - that is all working class peeps' dilemmas  - no complaining - hack it out, get it done. No moping. Be a positive force. 
 Okay? Okay.
 Yes, thank you be good today.
 Music, dance, I biked/hiked - that should be cause for celebration! a month ago I thought those two activities were past; laundry done, yard watered, deco lights arranged, car gassed, food in fridge - next weekend music friend to look forward to. Thank you. Yes.
 Sat Jun 2.18 nm
 Fri tired after work - Plough pizza, 2 IPAs, As on TV, bands sound checking - home, ~8:30 under covers clothed for 'nap' - wake ~6:30 surprised to see work clothes, lots of dreams, cottage door open - wank - snoozed till ~7:30?
 The bigger job company gets, more global rules apply - for everyone! -, less freedom, more oversight, more admin, less fun, coloring outside lines etc - everyone more stressed during transition - I got praise/approval for improvising/ proactive stuff - those days are past - adapt to new strictness. Coolio. Training has become more stressful - much more this summer - get it done, hack it out. It's not my fault people find the training module boring - I did not create it.
 Help to me accept things I cannot change, change what I can, wisdom to know difference.
 Found Liara Roux Int'l escort pics again - she does cute sexy tease thing well - not enough for me to pay, but enough for online searches to find what I can for free.
 Berkeley world music fest today, and Shattuck closed? Maybe Reyes tomorrow.
 Okay - that was weird about Plough, 2 IPAs, pizza, pass out/sleep in work clothes - maybe did not want to go home to cottage feeling anxious about work, depressed about emptiness of life outside work (?) - no - I think more, discussing situation w/co-workers, depressed me about borderline bullying from above. Feeling trapped. I keep thinking, must have approval for harsh approach, but no - Interruptions, refusal to listen, impatient, threats, always stopping just short of actionable bullying. Not personal; consistently treats everyone beneath her same. Lastly - if action's resulting effects on people are same as effect of bullying - what's difference? Reasons called excuses. Harshness called bullying. Fair enough. Had an incompetent lazy boss. Now a competent sociopath. Yikes. hahahah
 Okay - 10am - 2 espressos & breakfast bagel - home for smoothie - then free time free time - yard, music.. whatever I like - nice.
 Next Sat/Sun Guerneville beach party/Blues fest w/Eric - Fri-Mon - good to have 4-day vacation. 3.5 days in cottage redwood grove by river. Yay.
 I see upcoming 65 as end of work - it is not - I can if I want - Social Security & Medicare - but that's not reality. Get over it. We work till we die. Bosses are annoying pricks/ thorns - but they are not fatal
 Liara Roux international escort and now porn model. It's the haircut.
 --- watered yard, long stakes in tomato cage, we got raspberries!, working/watered succulents in sidewalk bed, fixed bricks beneath backyard fence chair, re-arranged red lights in backyard datura.. copied phone pics onto laptop, them all new pics etc onto backup. My stuff. Tend to my garden.
 2 birds chirp at me close-up, follow me to front yard - what do they want!?

 Thu May 31.18 nm
 Wk: People out, calling in sick, super busy globally, not experienced enough to do job & no time to train them properly, too much going on, trying to do our jobs & also train upgrade - we knew it'd be bouncy. We must use our best judgment, be allowed to make mistakes. I'm fine - improvising finally - setting up trainings without dotting every 'i'. Boss lady seems to be easing off a bit? Sees I'm not fighting? Sees might be easier working together without antagonism?  See what happens.
 Long days, nice weather, birds in backyard - sat w/Buff a while last night chatting - been a while - been depressed about Gil & Mom. Come up from under it.
 Nice having hour or so to sit/chill, private Robert time Nomad stage/throne, metal frame black stretchy seating chair.. but an hour diff is slight.
 S'all.. a nice relaxed life..
 May it last.
 But prepare for hard times. Losing Gil & Mom are not anomalies - death is normal - the family is what it is - there is no other nor better.
 Is what it is.
 yes. Thank you. Be good today. Stayed in bed till body was ready to get up. Nice.
 This weekend..? Try a hike/stroll? Slow down - puts less 'bounce' on knees when I stroll vs. my usual fast walk.
 1 week till 1st Russian River music party fest. Relaxation and enjoyment. COol.

 Wed May 30.18 nm
 In 7am Tues, alone basically, S not allowed to do complex jobs till further trained, but when is there time - everyone super busy! But even along it went well, and nice getting off early on long summer day..
 .. sat inside for a while, walk to Bowl for berries/dried fruit etc.. Plough for 1 IPA & Giants baseball.. heat up rice/chicken chowder w/bread, eat in yard w/: hummingbirds, crows, bees, mocking birds(?) - 2 hummers may have nest in alley, 2 fat brown birds maybe looking at tree for nesting? - there's a lot of dense foliage, good for birds.. Buff came sat w/me for a while.. K news, fest news.. solar blue string lights haphazardly strung along front of cottage into trumpet flowers shelves tchotchke .. nice enough..
 Wk hours changing to 9-5:30 - saw it coming; actually, I think fine.. 2 hours at Nomad online not necessarily best time spent in world.. have had it for 5+ years? Make s sense to have more morning coverage.
 Email from and call to new guy about GT/FB; I told him I want bigger slice, unless others have already been told - they had been - so that's fine. I felt a little creepy asking, but could have given it to K&Xo.
 Rent check taped to back window this morning.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Slept pretty well, wake ~6:30? Nice wank, sleep till 7:30 - listening to body - not mind, not restless mind or habit, what does my body want? More time in bed on long summer mornings? You got it. I got it.
 Life is good.
 Sleep, eat, pay bills, pay rent, buy groceries & BART tickets, laundry, gas in car..
 ...contact friends, work in yard, read...
 But what is worth reading/learning - it is just fun.. harmless time fill... not adding financial value..
 Mon May 28.18 II bed 9:37pm
 ~1 salad lunch, grill 3-week old beef from FmMkt, bike in car, pbj, shorts, short-sleeve Mexican shit, Birkenstocks - search for Inspiration Point, map nr Brazilian Lodge - bike ~2miles, ~1/4 mile past Peace Grove turn-off.. pretty easy - bit of knee weakness slowed me down, but very doable, no painful - couple of stops at benches, let mind rest / drift - done w/biking, wanted more outdoors..
 .. visit Botanical Garden, skinny black snake on path nr redwoods, bench beneath underpass 2 hummingbirds buzzing area, Rose Garden - perfect parking across st.. lovely - beautiful day.. sushi in Berkeley, unfiltered sake, 1/2 Price books Gods & Monsters DVD & E Leonard paperback.. gelato..  stop @Plough in case of Giants, and 'cause perfect parking in front - catch last few minutes of Golden State Warriors winning division - don't care - big crowd was excited.
 Home, spread blue solar lights along cottage front.. hmp.
 Lots of post WEF IM'ing with *.
 IM'ing with Tess, she moving to Sac(!?!), Nan party video comes up - I tell her about scandalous camera touching butt moment - embarrassing, obviously just a faux pas. Huh. Was it a 'moment' to get it off my chest? Weird. Shame.
 Anyway - knee news is, I can bike, including uphill, tho maybe not strenuously, nor standing on pedals - walking up/down Botanical gardens / Rose Garden stairs was okay - I have to go more slowly, but can do it without pain. I am not decrepit yet!
 Very Berkeley day.. Tilden, Roses, downtown, book store, Plough.. everything went well.
 Fri Laundry/grocery/dishes/bins
 Sat Delta/Isleton/Locke
 Sun yard, Pablo Cruise/Rancho Nicasio, JFK head to Wynn
 Mon Berkeley/bike/Tilden/Berk
 Rested, but also outdoor time, in yard, biking, flowers.. nice... bit of pot and sleep...
 Mon May 28.18 nm
 Sat sleep in till 10(!), Nomad, yard work/salad lunch.. Shower, lv for Nicasio ~2:20 - slow traffic around Richmond Bridge, otherwise heavy but fast - call Wynn about JFK bust from home & 101/Lucas Valley > beautiful day!! At Rancho give away 2nd, accidently-purchased ticket to guy in line > Wynn calls, drop of head. Big plate of chicken - too much - I force it down.. 2 top-shelf margaritas + 2 bottled waters, sipped slowly over 2 hours, strong - I could taste alcohol.. worked.. bit of relaxation/no intoxication..
 Beautiful weather, fun vibe, excellent musicianship in band that sounds like a band, not individuals! Went back at end to shake drummer's hand - he's so good! Cancer survivor - when shaking hand, noticed his throat talking device - goddam. Inspiring. They good - but it took Bob - The Boss - to forcefully hone them into a successful unit. Boss.
 Buff/DJ out till afternoon. Chores/errands done > good say to chill, do what I want - maybe bring bike up to Tilden, feel out knees.. or walk.. walk in sun.. blue skies, yes..
 Sun May 27.18 nm 11am
 Slept in after Sat trip to Delta/Locke..
 Sat left ~10:30, lots of traffic but fast-moving, ~ noon Isleton home of Crawdad Fest - up down historical district, lots of empty storefronts, ladies in temp museum spot said 2018 hurt, some moving back now. Pretty bldgs, interesting Chinese history, depressing economically. ~20mins to Locke - also emptied out, interesting but depressing. Up down street 2x, stop in historical sites, museum, schoolhouse, gambling den etc. Stop at Al The Wops (my real target) for drinks - Blue Ball & Tomatoes drink, plus hamburger fries, baseball on TV.. friendly people, bikers, guy on left flirting w/waitress pays for 1st drink, chatting / joking with others, they come & go..
 Bars / alcohol not answer to age / loneliness - illusory bandaid at best.. false friendships false camaraderie.. an admittance of failure.. made sure I was okay to drive home, sipped drinks, walked around.. this morning feel 'okay + residual guilt, slight but distinct yuck of knowing I checked out wrong path again.. knowing it is not real answer..
 Home ~5:30.. deep "nap" ~6:30-8.. mideast salad dinner.. sleep ~11:30.. up ~7, listen to body - mind restless, body wants sleep, stay in bed till almost 10.. good.
 Days off - good to face life's dilemmas.. we all reaction.. against M&P.. boss.. death.. system.. cops.. some serve God, superseding worldly M/P etc.. it's all in EST.. what else are we? You've got to serve somebody. I serve my reaction against what I see as false in my parents. It was easier than to admit so far as system is concerned I have little to no value. Poor dull unattractive noisy chump. Bordering white trash trailer park fodder lucky to have a nice office job. And why - because my parents tried to lift me up, all their children, into the best possible situation - none of us was gonna be lawyers or doctors.. service, nurses, librarians, mid-tier social strata.. hoping to win invisible lottery of luck.. head full of hopes, settling for best we can attain..
 Hang onto this job - it is well off charts so far as luck goes.. tech economy keeps me in - I have worked hard, tried to play it smart, excelling in what I do well, to make up for shortcomings in methodical thinking.. it would be wrenching/inconvenient to remove me, so we shall see.. keep showing up, doing my best.. at job and in life..
 (Last night dreamed I complained off-record to T (glob head GFX) about ChiD's saying mean things to Sh "This is why we don't hire temps in CHI." - demoralizing - so now it's in my dreams - unnecessary cruelty > short of bullying > same effect..)
 Beautiful day.. do some yard "work", shower, lv ~2(?) - so early! - maybe no alcohol today? JFKs head to Wynn.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Today will be a good day.
 Yesterday, visit to Locke, cocktails & burger at bar - yeah - interesting experiment - but.. nothing there for me.. no cheap rent, no community..
 Sat May 26.18 nm
 Thu after wk Plough for IPA, basketball playoffs. Funk night - starts ~9:30 - sometime hang for an hour. Live music for its own sake.
 3.5 day weekend - early off Fri, well-rested, laundry, groceries, dishes - ah good to have done, now 3 days off. Perfect. Overcast. Checked distance to Locke - through Contra Costa  ~1:10hr (vs. 1:40hr up 80). maybe do that today, or Olampoli. or Eric meal?
 Received email re early bird Sept Jazz weekend tickets, got "Party" 2nd row aisle for E&I. Bam. ~$500. - spending on myself - I want to share time opportunity w/Eric - feel fine about it. Worrying about how this expense will affect my haha fantasy "retirement" 5-10-15yrs from now is no-value.
 Realized did not know where June Johnson beach Party/Blues weekend tickets are - :-O - decided not to panic  - assume there's bank payment evidence - search search emails - login to Omega site - find ticket #, download/print tickets link.. cool. Slept well.
 Clean clothes, food, gas in car - Locke - small towns along way.. why not? Have a beer somewhere - time to myself..
 Sun Rancho Nicasio BBQ Pablo Cruise, drop off JFK head with Wynn. Try try try to not draw a lot of attention to myself - a drink or two sure, but sit still in my seat like everyone else. I need so much attention!!! Be cool.
 Today, all free... Sun Nicasio music drop off JFK head - Mon also free - lots of relaxed time to amuse myself -
 Supporting K in UK re not taking X away to new town based on vague promises/ high pressure salesmanship..
 This is all softball.. high value 'problems' - job comes w/ a boss (and maybe equilibrium is being attained), health is good, sibs/friends are alive - my rent is insanely cheap, I am available for Social Security in an emergency - still in shock that Gil & Mom are dead.
 Okay -home quick shower pack food visit Locke - nice drive along levies..
 To K&V re Dad & I:
 "Over the years my Dad would send indications of willingness to talk, to acknowledge his role in our estrangement/my avoidance -
  But when I reached out he fell back into defensive posture - it was up to me to make first offer, attempt to connect - which he could then defend against - he never made the initial attempt to open up - I think he was incapable of it - just not in him
 I mention this, in case any of it rings similar about E -
 Seems like E feigns offer of sincere/open communication - but really setting up more high-pressure salesmanship - there's no sincere core - "
 Thu May 24.18 nm
 Here I am. Yes, thank you, be good today. Today will be good.
 Finish facepages, study/practice new hire module, email Staffing about new teams - get it all done - trying to fit into dept as another cog, but hard after many years of successfully working somewhat independently.. oh, well - it's a now job now, and a good job.. bosses are necessary, get over it - work with her, support her to make it work.. no value in resenting tone of voice, in short, medium & long run it doesn't matter.. and the long-term work relationships still exist, regardless of new dept set-up.. I can do this.. not perfect, but good enough to keep job.. keep the job.. people don't get fired for being imperfect, but for not showing up, insubordination, stealing etc.. I'm cool as long as I remain cool..
 "There's no value in punishing yourself over stuff that doesn't matter."
 Brass tacks. Truth.
 3.5 day weekend with BBQ - bring JFK head for Gil's ex - everything will be done - breath, relax, enjoy life... 64, good health, good savings, 10 months till Social Security & Medicare.. then what? Who knows! Exciting

 Wed May 23.18 nm
 Looking to find porn actress name in 'below glass table' gif - 'who is that porn star?' site found Cassie De Isla - not Sheri Vi. Now I know.
 Work, eat, sleep, commute, finished Quick and Dead - gun fights! tenderfoots! fun stuff! rape threats! - more roller coaster videos at night.. slept okay, up for an hour, stayed in bed till 7:30.. wet.. light rain..
 Breath easy.. move to Arizona? Idaho? Oregon? Some cheap place with ocean... Bragg Tailor Park - I assume there is one, and it is peaceful, friendly, clean, quiet and safe. I hope for someone  - parent surrogate - to take me in, but also don't want it or think it wise. But nice to think someone would consider it, care, think of my well-being. And some day maybe someone needs me, like Tom did back in mid-70s. Poor Toren sibs, so fucked up.
 Meantime, my cool cottage low rent yard job health digestion good eyes mind reading lack of vices etc enjoyment of art comfort bed pillows comfy clothes friends recreation music. All good. Fear not. Tomorrow is a fantasy, yesterday is a dream.. Live for today. This breath.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 This will be a good day.. sometimes I just sit and stare... too lazy to meditate? hah sounds funny but it's not easy.. not if yr lazy.. :-D..  I am no monk.. parents really dead, best friends really dead, someday I will die.. face it squarely.. a sib or 2 may go.. totally random death is..
 Grabbed Augustine's Apologies to skim.. maybe skip bible reading? I obviously have no real interest in reading Bible, joining Etsy or cooking at home. I like the wasy it is now - working my job is enough, then enjoy free time my low rent allows. Enjoy enjoy enjoy. And say yes to money and be less generous.
 Mon May 21.18 nm
 Brouhaha in UK - * decided to move to Scotland and announces it disguised as asking permission with fake 'free college' pressure... shit, fan.. again.
 Sleep pretty well again.. Stacey convinced me to try joint supplements, able to do yard work without bad knee pain/weakness - bend, squat etc.. I can do it, but getting up takes an effort - getting in/out of bed no problem.. despair, work till you die.. no way out.. too old to work, go die.. yep - Capitalism indeed..
 But don't let my cynicism/unhappiness affect my work attitude - this is a good job! Hang onto it. Following the easy instinct to say "Take this job and shove it!" is total bullshit. Bad bosses some with territory - it's not personal - she's doing the best she can. Do my job well and it'll be fine.
 4.5 day week, 1/2 day Fri, next Mon off, Pablo Cruise Sun.. Blues weekend in 3 weeks.. following Tues big training.. cool... all good..
 Pulling out extra succulents taking over pathways, blue solar strong lights.. blue kind of depressing?? Meh.. get rid of them.. I see no place - I want happy colors.. yellow, red, green, white..
 Told Stacey about splitting GT/FB money evenly.. 2.5 each - I could have asked for $15K for me, and 1K for everyone else.. they'd have been happy, not known, I'd be at 100K by EOY.. was it foolish? It is my nature, or my nurture w/generous Dad.. I also told Stacey, if another offer comes through, I'll take bigger chunk. I'm glad I did even split this time, - but - maybe it was not best decision, based on guilt/low self-worth? - I could have shared it with Karen & Xo who are my higher responsibility. So - be wise. It is time to be wise.
 Oh, and.. family IMs from Tom etc. about Shirley - not certain, but sounds like one of her caretakers may have been procuring painkillers for her - oxycontin? - dunno - now she's kicked out of pain clinic because they found something non-prescription in her blood? Check in w/Joan.. did I miss signals in previous fam IM Shirley discussions: thought her caretaker was robbing her, or Shirley was giving her money because of dementia - now sounds like Shirley was illegally self-medicating/possibly addicted? Yikes. Sigh.
 Sun May 20.18 nm
 Sat: salad at home, bank $$/quarters, Fm Mkt for strawberries/plants for hummingbirds/cucumbers for next door/eggs; Himalayan Faire ~1:30-3:30 - meh, same old same old, nice day tho, lots of colorful product - $8 pendant w/red plastic gems - rice/chicken/green slop, drinks.. home, yard, weed... ~7:30 groceries.. chat w/buff/dj here/there.. passing neighbors asked what's under sidewalk pile of orange flowering vines..
 Buff & I noted, when we walk between houses, we hear hummingbird flutter above - their nest presumably; new mallow at corner doing well.
 I am isolated - Buff/DJ is it.. Sooz in OR, K in UK, Eric in SR.. huh... no local network to speak of. That affects my psyche. Keep an eye on it.
 Reading Quick & The Dead western.. next Sun Pablo Cruise.. 2 weeks later 4-day weekend Russian River fests..
 Keep active - even alone, active, healthy..
 ~12:00 shower, hang catch-up in condo w/Stacey then big Solano Mexican lunch - didn't talk about Gil much, which is best, it's still upsetting - downtown book store, gelato, home - weed grass, plant banana pepper & supposed hummingbird plants - sitting in dark, fight off unhappiness - Stacey & I exchanged bad boss stories, which helped - perspective, I am not alone or special.. 8:13pm.. salad dinner, shower.. sleep.. life is good...

 Sat May 19.18 nm
 Stressful global changes to GFX - happier not thinking about wk - focus on stretching, working w/weights, walking, biking, breathing meditating, eating well. Yes. Keep an eye on Plough beer/food - it is comforting, not best direction: life is stressful - one can focus on health/happiness, or short-term solutions like beer/pizza. Think about it. Basic, short meditation audio files.
 Trainings going well I think - I have answers, move fast. Gaining confidence. Changes coming fast - I am far happier, less stressed than 2 months ago - breath - it will be okay. Stop at Farmer's market, then Himalayan Faire, some yard work - groceries - all good.
 After wk Fri stop at Plough for IPA, 6th inning A's tight game, stay for small pizza/2nd IPA. Buff/DJ show w/grandson, just graduated college, congratulations. Home, tired, force myself to stay up till 10'ish.. pass out, roller coaster videos, a bit sweaty, up at 3am for a while - up ~7:30.
 Okay - woke up stressed, unhappy - blogged about work stuff, then deleted, it's maybe good to write it out here, to release steam, but delete, because if I did happen to glance over these years from now, I won't care; good to remind myself..
 But nah - I won't read these years from now.. these are for now.
 yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Home for shower, make bed, tidy.. make my life a well-organized pleasure.
 Thu May 17.18 nm
 In early to work this week, no blogging, knee feeling better, taking stairs up & down, still tender/weakness, not nearly as bad as week, weeks ago - getting away from work stress, biking in Davis, seeing friends, sleep, getting affection/acceptance, getting away... yep yep.. keep other peoples' poison separate from my essence - I am smart, good, hard-working, competent etc.. what I did in past was correct / well thought-out for circumstances, now is a new way, I'll do new way Don't bitch, nor complain - disengage - do job as always, support client - protects me. Shield of good vibes.
 Been sleeping better; turning out light, I detect lack of sleep-reducing tensions/anxieties.. last night ~10:45-6:30? Up 7:30, shower, smoothie in yard...
 Responded to Will about GT/FB - mentioned payment was low, we upped it to $16K divided evenly, - 2.5K each; that is still low. If they come back for more, we negotiate for more. Bring Kate in? No payment till they get paid.. so.. hope it does not become an issue.
 Lots of trainings coming up - but I'm trying to leave work stuff out of here, because in imagined future, I won't give a fuck.
 Maybe meal w/Stacey Sun. Week from Sunday Pablo Cruise. In about a month, Blues fest in Guerneville w/Eric.. good break -
 Himalayan Faire this Sat - it's always a bit of fun. Music, color, food.
 And.. lots of fun coming up, beautiful weather, long days, friends, music, test knee strolling Reyes?, bike..
 Eating healthy salads, falafel on a plate (no wrap), in Davis had a burrito in a box - healthier. Sometimes forget to eat - esp day/night before training, eat well healthy. Always do best I can - focus on needs of trainees. Big group trainings coming up in new style. I can do it. No prob. Ignore noise.
 Love is good. Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Do my best, it's all a win. Beautiful sunny May morning - front yard colorful. Good sleep - shower, smoothie, hour or so to sit here / read internet, blog etc. This is good. Blessed years.
 Things got better when I stopped reacting to the world with anger. Anger is a failed strategy. Don't use anger as a tool. Let it go. let go of anger. Be sympathetic to angry unhappy people. I am not the target.
 Mon May 14.18 Oakland laundry 7:35pm
 In Davis, burrito in a box to go, decided to drive 25mins to Knight's Landing after all - why not? Close, have time, want to - fuck the reason - curiosity, something to do -  yeah - easy fast drive on 113, 25min is nothing! - interesting small town, talked to a lady who asked if I was taking pics for myself - she said indeed a bunch of bldg's near bridge had been torn down - crossed bridge, took pics, explored down various small dirt roads, sent pics to several peeps, chat w/*, gassed up - drive home on 102, still easy/fast -
 Stop at graveyard to finish burrito/pee - easy drive home - ! unpacked, now laundry/groceries -
 Very happy about how weekend went - today free to to Knight's Landing was cool.. take it easy tonight
 Oh, and GT is all just fine about photo on facebook - to my surprise - I suggested to K & Jon Segal, let's wait a year, then see how it looks - I got a lot of shit for my Frida pic, too, but in the end it's been a good thing -
 Mon May 14.18 Davis Peets
 Slept well! ~7 Sun dinner at sushi boat, no sake..
 Usual Davis visit morning gloom, place I lived/connected to by family/ friends for a decades (1978-97), ghosts now.. transient college town.. don't wallow in pleasure of sadness.. say hi to Marge & John on way out?
 GT/facebook Will emailed Thurs asking for call, I pushed off (call? no! something slick about this guy) - didn't think about it over weekend, this morning IM'd Will's email to band/estates with my thoughts:
 "For one, no phone calls - get it all in writing.
  For two, no further action till everyone is compensated for the first use.
  For three, after taxes, what they are paying us is shit.
  For four: for lots of reasons I probably don't need to expand upon, I'm thinking the thrill is gone; it was potentially cool, I'm glad it happened, but I'm somewhat disinclined to continue - knowing what we know now about Cambridge Analytica etc - to link Game Theory's name, brand and repudiation to Facebook's current soiled reputation.
  Something about his caps MORE MONEY makes me uncomfortable."
  Anyway - okay - considered driving 25min to Knight's Landing and back, but I think that itch is about abandoned bldg I saw in 1980, where I wanted to shoot a cute blonde design student, but it fell through. Fuck it.
 Amazing weekend socially, friend-wise..
 Now, back to hotel, shower, pack, drive/walk around Davis memory-scape, maybe home soon, laundry etc..
 Sun May 13.18 hotel 6:41pm
 Sat pm dances lame slow mystical womanly - where was rock dance beat? LL&I kinda bummed, go to Woodstock Pizza downtown for reggae, got pizza, pitcher of IPA, later a cinnamon roll pizza snack - yum! Stopped upstairs - as Sun (of Mark Tong) has been encouraging me to do for years(!), but I knew no one, one cite sexy Asian (now) belly dancer (Helen?) - but I was never in that circle, even among outcasts I was outcast/photographer with backstage access - that worked well, good pics, close to band, fun for me - back then, if you had a camera, you had good access - they thought you were press. Anyway - hotel ~11:30, slept well, drive for coffee w/L, back to hang couple hours, drop off rental bike, back to Mexican place for much-needed burritos, L heads south, L & I head to WEF separately. Worked.
 Walk around, all booths/paths, lemonade, finish burrito, ice cream type bars, water, Starbucks mocha drink..
 Sit in Student Union for a bit, looking at Stillborn hall, memories of shows, then in what was Coffee House stage - Iggy, Talking Heads etc.. good times.. reclaim memories - I have no claim to the place, but I own the memories that come up when I sit there... good and slightly uncomfortable feeling.. knowing all that is gone forever.. yet I have these good memories.. enjoy them..
 The past is gone. Long live memories!!
 Bike past drum circle - send clip to several people - visit Art dept, IM w/L - listen to my evolving memories and view of those days.. grateful for them.. tho I never made friends in Art dept.. no connections.. only music scene - mostly later - only by buying my way in with photos (feeding their egos) & essentially marrying into Game Theory.. you do what you must - it only worked because I brought something important into the scene - mine are the photos that define it - sort of  :-D
 Anyway.. delayed nostalgia, maybe drive down to south Davis, quick visit (I was just there 3 weeks ago), or straight to sushi boat..
 beautiful weather this weekend.. beautiful evening now 6:53pm..damn this beautiful town when it's good it's amazing.. for a while, it was home.. then college friends moved away, and I got divorced from Davis family...
 Okay.. now what.. rise above gloom.. some amazing loving stuff this weekend.. eat..
 Sat May 12.18 hotel WEF 6:10
 Slept ~11-8? Was gonna do more, L woke me up, L came over we had unhealthy hotel breakfast, walk to Farm Mkt, beautiful morning, perfect Davis, iced coffee, berries, dried fruit, hang in hotel till early afternoon.. all of us weary.. walk to WEF, back to hotel for deep nap shower peets espresso  -
 Th Dirt Feeling at 6:30 was good, bought t-shirt/CD  - next bands boring, hotel for jacket, back to last band with L&L, boring trance.. eh! Bright smelly noisy lights, slow mellow Sat pm bands instead of hard dance.. fuck it - free tho, still a good thing...
 Fri May 11.18 DoV 2:34PM waiting for hotel room to be prepped..
 In Davis for WEF - left ~ 1, picked up Panama hat from chocolate store I left it at.. tired cranky.. hotel gave away room I booked months ago, confirmed in-person 2 weeks ago, gave me room next door 20% off..
 Thu off early to pack, hang, play.. sushi, slept okay.. maybe 6hrs? Knee hurt, kept me awake - that is not normal.. get it looked at for sure..
 WEF Davis is the same, I have changed, annual visit is a tradition, and fun - music arts food, see the old places.. meditate on where I was/where I'm at - but mostly, vacation, relax, fun, getaway from daily stuff, appreciate what I have -
 Brought food, blender, pot, sake, electronics, jackets, pjs (really? no naked sleeping at hippie festival?) - all the WEF memories to far distant to relate, now I feel a little sad at how far away they are - never to come back, like memories around neighborhood corners/bushes in Charleston, WV.. gone gone.. people gone, too.. it hurts, yet resilience of life being good, every day golden remains strong..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Yes. Davis. Good place to visit. Clean dry air.
..Hotel 10:30pm
 ...rest in hotel most of afternoon, shower, bike to WEF ~6pm, lv bike on campus, walk to hotel drive back into town for Mexican dinner, then WEF to catch most of Buddha Pixie who were quite good again - big spotlights on audience from behind - security? Really annoying and creepy.. like being spied on.. music good, super windy afternoon, but late afternoon/evening was perfect Davis weather..
 Super pleased about being able to bike, at least slow easy flat drives.. not a month ago it hurt to bad to bike at all.. hmp..
 Stop @7-11, drunk/high college sports kids laughing buying beer, group ~6-7 girls dressed sexy, giggling buying beer... Fruit drink/water/donuts - long day: Berk, finish packing, etc pick up lost hat from chocolate shop, drive to Davis - traffic not bad at all until last 5-into-3 lanes mile... WEF, good, long naps, shower..
 Hungry and sleep lack, I felt distance from past, foresee new ways of looking at it - no fooling myself anymore that I am in any way connected.. I was an observer of a music scene, made myself valuable as a photographer chronicler..
 Ate donuts, drank Naked juice - more water.. sleep.. 3 more days off - yes - this first day is already good refocused entirely on annual event..
 Wed May 9.18 nm
 Up 6:30 Tues am, to have hour at Nomad, tired esp in afternoon - slept in this morning, 10:00pm?-~4:30am.. snooze sleep till 7, then sleep till ~8.. get that extra hour yeah - good - enough sleep vital.. bit of stress about WEF, getting enough sleep, seeing old friends.. but that usually works itself out..
 Last night 2 hits cannabis & 1/2 sleeping pill - I think I feel grogginess behind eyes from pill - 2 is way too much! mehhhh...
 Knee still generally better, and upper left arms a minor annoyance, barely aware of it..
 Today/tonight pick up sake from WF.. maybe Walgreens for accoutrements..
 Fair amount of discussion on fb - my page & GT page - about GT photo in fb ad.. mostly overall negative, because they removed Shelley - also a halo of coolness that it happened at all, the weirdness of it! And hope that it might bring attention somehow to GT...
 Sooz call last night, tablet breaking up, stalling - darned frustration! -, Skype worked but she couldn't hear me.. see if I can download a thing to make camera work? Or order new camera?
 A bit scattered with work and all changes - but looking forward to the days off, seeing friends - relaxation, deep diving into Davis nostalgia.. Davis morning sun, warm air, breezes off the fields.. fond memories.. maybe I was miserable person, but at least I was in a safe warm dry place, having growing experiences.. I had been homeless, starved, hitchhiked across the country, visited hippie communes, been dosed with LSD and VD., been threatened, lived with women, in weekly hotels with bathrooms down hall - in comparison, college was a vacation.. I was extremely fortunate to have upbringing that allowed to me focus, hold on, make it through hoops.. tenacity Fred said..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Food supplies and do some packing/bike in car(?) tonight. Don't forget the V.
 Tue May 8.18 nm
 Knee still regular weak, but not painful all the time.. psychological.. what to do? Therapy? Hypnosis? Eric drink beer like lots of people historically. Physical and mental exercise. There's a yoga app.. maybe a stretching and meditation app/video? Use the tablet for that! Make it useful.
 Sleep ~10:30-5:30.. dreams, ended running through dark Asian streets, can't see a thing, woman holds my hand to guide...
 Next week start working with staffing to target new teams for CORE training - I'm ready. I can do it. There will be errors. But do the best I can. That's the win.
 Short week - half-day Thurs, Fri-Mon WEF.. good.. days off.. distractions deep nostalgia.. I'm 65.. remember that's how people relate to me.. old, but hopefully cool... do not compliment women at work on their clothing.. just don't.. no cool.. esp not alone.. maybe in a group..
 Fri-Mon - plus Thu afternoon &  mid-morning Tuesday.. almost 5-day vacation.. good.. I have earned it..
 Started Duel, about Hamilton & Burr - fun!
 Took 1 V in Mendo Sat afternoon - checked a few time walking/in car.. squeezing/erotic thoughts = erection.. faded once mind elsewhere.. cock shorter, but good & stiff when stimulated.. also, no side effects, no stomach queasiness/tightness in chest - was likely general anxiety about new drug, confronting erection / aging / emotional issues.. having got past those, only effect of drug was what is expected: blood stays in penis when stimulated.. okay, cool drug... Sun am test roughhousing video to N..
 Clip fingernails, move car on sweep day, set alarms, empty bins, remember work key card, lifetty life, life, life.. poor Gil.. we all die..
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today..
 Buff clipped dead rosemary branches in back bed, big datura blossoming forming beautiful fragrant canopy above chairs in front of cottage.. yes.. Blues fest w/Eric in ~14 weeks..
 Edited out short clip from No man's Land - "How many friends do you have altogether Mr. Friend?" "He probably couldn't count them all!" "Well, there's me now, too!" and watched on endless loop - why does it fascinate and hypnotize me. Lovely. No pot at night. Try again to see if it helps me sleep through the night?
 Mon May 7.18 nm
 Sun Talked w/Eric about health again - as we acknowledge being old men, that is proper/cool - we support each other's health - he's recommending baking soda for joints.. okay.
 Sleep ~9:30 - wake ~5, stay in bed till 7:15ish.. Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Positive attitude!.. good sleep I think - stay in bed till I feel like getting up.. no rush for Nomad.. confidence..
 Shower, empty all bins, fill water jugs - bring them, thermos & grocery bags to car - dah dah dah...
 50 sounded like a lot, for many years I shared/tithed about 50, before that more - have I given away 100K? Maybe.. don't add up the numbers... it would not make much difference and can all be taken away by one medical emergency.. I had fun.. I helped friends with less, in need.. I got back appreciation and satisfaction of doing right thing... let is be.. I have ~85, if now I had - let's say I've given away 50 - if I had 135 would that change my life today? Probably not at all.. let it go..
 What I've got is life, health, senses - health, so important! - freedom of sorts: Fri evening decided to spend weekend 3hrs north on coast, book hotel, up early Sat, shower, bkfst, pack, stop at Nomad for coffee,, tah-dah.. alone time to do as I please.. work has been dominating force while I adapt/learn changes.. work anxiety/knee pain... time alone in a favorite place did me worlds of good.. gift car from Sooz is added wonderful.. comfortable seat adjusting, power steering easy to drive, skylight is sweet... simple hotel, ARP discount.. no pot at hotel.. getting close to leaving it behind..
 Tho.. don't discontinue cannabis pleasure.. I had small hit of indica Sat before walking north headlands, it enhanced pleasure..
 Cheap fitbit style watch kinda not happening.. might go for an actual fit bit thing..
 So yeah, life is good - new boss is a challenge, difficult person.. but I have all this other, and she has no real power over me.. no one at this level has real power.. and my job is not in jeopardy - is it? No it is not. Then I'm good in that area.
 Relax. Don't worry - be happy. Life is good. Breath. Stretch. Save save save. Work work work. Meditate.
 Like it or not, I have some sort of charisma - at work, I am legendary, so I hear. They said it, not me. It is not a burden for me. It's just a thing - if I get a rep for doing good work and helping people, that's good for everyone. I win.
 Sun May 6.18 II 8:45pm
 Relatively easy drive home, sunny/overcast - stop in redwoods & Boonville wifi cafe - zoned most of day - dehydrated in goofy dizzy morning, felt better after food and 1/2 gallon of water - I was hardly pissing & drinking coffee - watch that! Thought I was depressed, but just adjusting to reality of no parents, getting old, body pains, end of youthful illusions, etc...
 Downtown bar on corner w/outdoor patio - small menu, chicken w/waffles were good! Two cocktails were well-done - interesting! Bookstore before driving - 'Duel' about Hamilton & Burr... knee feeling better as I felt better.. more at peace, less stressed... meditate... yoga... whatever it takes.. it is medicine for my health..
 So, yes - spontaneous time alone, fresh air, beautiful place - but it's not where you are it's where you're at.. think I got decent sleep.. naps.. viagra experiment -
 Visited beach glass museum - kind of fun! Pics to L, K, N, fb.. all diff.. v having some effect through day when I 'checked'...
 I am insured, employed, responsible - finances could use more discipline,,
 Sun May 6.18 9:16am Bragg Strbks
 Sat park n nap south headlands lot.. nice.. wake, take a Viagra to experiment - chat w/N about Mendo & V - small hit off pipe, stroll north with apple and chocolate bar, sit shiva at fave place, bright overcast afternoon - 4-5'ish, very calm, lovely - light on big god rock/channel etc, meditate, enjoy senses, look deeper past senses..
 Whatever I am thinking, it is still happening.. Here now..
 I have everything, there is nothing to desire; I have nothing, there is nothing to lose... felt good...
 Want to walk, back to car, erections o/off, north to restrooms, walk out to point... lovely afternoon! Just peaceful as hell.. drive back south, 2 hits of Harlequin, zero effect, walk south headlands all around edges, shoot pics /movies send to L..  video dime in wooden goddess send to Karen for Xo - bright overcast all afternoon, sun cuts through ~5, thrilling, sexy, beautiful.. lovely little grass trails, hardly any people..
 ~7'ish still plenty of light (sunset 8:15), stop in town for travel food/pretzels - eat some on way to Bragg - too filling, yuck.. sun behind fog bank, no sunset plan.. $70 hotel room - 10% old guy discount, small, plain, wooden floor (!) - fucking bare, zero pretense!~ dig it.. very bad wifi.. get what you pay for.. Japanese place for sushi's/ salmon teriyaki, large sake - didn't need sake - pretzels & sake were unnecessary.. make note..
 Sleep ~10? Wake ~6.. okay.. stay in bed till 8.. practice V wank - may be having effect still - but decided not to take another - casual morning, foggy, dizzy.. no wifi made it quicker.. shower, wash hair, smoothie forgot strawberries.. some mold on fruit, used it anyway.. get more today.. (Google says mold no problem)..
 Lv ~8:40, Starbucks for decent wifi.. contacted Eric, dinner ~3-4
 Heard back from GT/FB guy (after mentioning attorney offer to help w/any problems) - says he'll contact finance..
 K in Brighton.. I am far less generous after getting parent's inheritance, becoming orphan, acknowledging precarious situation - losing cottage, job potentially catastrophic - not like I can start life over again.. beginning endgame... could wind up in a small town with nothing happening.. no romantic cushion to make my life a sad country song...
 Knee doing okay on this trip, tenderness, pain but not much - walking is fine - I have to be careful standing up from ground, caution standing up from chair.... left upper arm, stretching it out, still some core resistance.. to what degree is my hesitance affecting body? Anyway, lots of walking was just fine, so cool!
 So.. oh.. 10am.. yeah.. now what? headlands again prob.. but who knows.. lv town ~12..
 Sat May 5.18 nm
 Decided yeah, Mendo - booked room Motel 6, regular place sold-out -~$100 - slept pretty good - ~10:15-5:00? Feel okay - up 6:16, shower, smoothie, pack - make pbj - shoes, jackets, hats, toiletries, silverware, pillow, walking stick, knee wrap, health wrist band, phone, laptop -
 Good - felt good to sit in yard this morning w/smoothie, beautiful, relaxed - doing something spontaneous.. brought some fragrant datura in car.. I know the drill -
 Depending on how I fell: Starbucks in Cloverdale, Boonville, apple orchard, redwoods/river, Mendo headlands, Bragg, MacKerricher or other sunset - tho I think it's overcast all day.. nighttime shower, TV, Harlequin, shower.. I brought Viagra, thought I might try one randomly today, to prep, remember physical effects (a bit of tightness in chest, tho that night be anxieties around meds/sexuality etc).
 Last night found hentai porn by Japanese artist John. K Peta with extreme humiliations, rape, cutaway sex views - pretty nasty, been a while but when first discovered I was attracted to uniqueness, foreign ideas - normal reaction to extreme Japanese porn / manga, at first "I can't believe they did that! Had never thought of that." - fascination with Japanese fetishes, seem unrestrained compared to vanilla western porn - but doesn't hold up over time.,. and horrible for women..
 7:40 - use restroom, good mornings on fb.. depart by 8... not feeling anxious to get lots done, juts being away from town, on the road, headed to a beautiful place, maybe a meal with a friend.. life is good... Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Mendo 2:15: so far, so good - easy drive, Cloverdale for coffee/gas/cruise town, apple orchard sandwich/apples/apple juice, stroll redwoods - Mendo groceries soup, tuna sandwich chocolate bars - eat soup above town cemetery - feel okay, weepy, losing Mom.. parents.. home... just want this time alone on my own, after months of work stress, Mom death, Gil death, upcoming memory swamp at WEF.. seeing old friends... no hurry even to get to ocean.. more about getting away on my own, yes.. but to a beautiful place.. it is about Mendo.. maybe visit Big River? Concerned about knee in soft sand.. check it out.. go slow..
 Fri May 4.18 nm
 Yeah yeah
 8:15,, maybe Mendo tomorrow... overnight.. be good to get away, and I got nothing planned, maybe visit Eric on way home...
 Gil is dead.. I can't believe it...
 Thurs had a CORE training, had fun and thought it went well - see about feedback - feeling better @wk, feeling confident new training helps a lot - 
 After wk stopped @Bowl for fruit, pudding - ate pudding & Stilton cheese/bread snack in bed w/rollercoaster vids - that was great! Pot and my blue 2-ladies lamp..
 Did my best to slap away buzzing fly of boss irritation - bosses are thorns in rose garden, they're performing a necessary function - in some way I like boundaries, yet it is not personal.. she works hard, that counts for a lot..
 Got 1/2 day Thurs off before WEF, so extra visit time etc.. nice.. feeling a bit pressured.. and WEF is not all fun.. painfully deep nostalgia, music, sex, women, dreams, anticipations, hopes and fears.. but much of  my life is based around experiences from those years I had to play around, socialize, learn, develop.. I was not much more foolish than other young men..
 Anyway.. yes, a weekend to myself before WEF is good.. much of WEF will be on my own, and I'll try biking a bit... ocean, headlands.. let's see about hotel
 Finished most recent CS Lewis, the Weight of Glory... hmm.. meh.. he is smart, and a good writer/thinker - but he starts with belief that can't be well-explained.. so aside from making Christians feel less dumb, I don't know if he's converting anyone... maybe that's what is meant by an apologist - he isn't converting, just doing his best to explain his beliefs.. out of a decent respect to the opinions of mankind.. fair enough...
 Yeah, sleep, light pack.. go early...  laundry done, bring food, do it.. leave 7:30-8? Take it easy.. light till 8
 I've been not going last month or so because knee's been a problem, but it's a little better now..
 Cleaning personal files @wk, 2008 Finance ~$40K.. meaning I've only saved ~$400/yr last 10 years? Which makes sense, since I was tithing anyone over 50.. okay.. well, enough of that... ~82 now and everything paid up.. with luck 90 by EOY. Life is good.

 Thu May 3.18 nm
 Unpacked health watch, online feedback says phone app is shit, but phone works.. okay, fun toy, good for learning..
 Nice to have clothes/pjs clean, bed made.. comfort.. sleep ~10, up maybe 2-4:30? Sleep till 7'ish, good wank, dreams of salamanders, frogs, snakes in underground box, want a salamander for some reason..  don't want to break up family of salamanders, one tosses head vigorously to chase me off - - up 8am..  bed time, sleep time is top notch..
 being mentally & physically rested may help with body pain.. got to make that part of lifestyle - not easy - don't think it is.. gonna take effort, team, group, class, something..
 Legendary - I like that. :-) Maybe I can't please bosses, too independent - I can please client so well it doesn't matter what bosses think.. instead of resisting me, bosses, work with me to make my strengths help dept.. but no..
 Wed May 2.18 laundry 7pm
 In early to watch Joy from Chicago train - one looked over, asked if I was Robert Toren? Said 'wow, you're a legend, I've heard so many people mention you.'  Nice to know I still got it :-D (I glanced at new hot shot guy to make sure he heard - you are good, but you ain't legendary yet)
 Tues annual review, I felt pretty confident, I know I'm good, Darcy skyped, I avoided argument, she read what Rndy wrote - all good, meets expectation - said OT okay, did some tonight.. okay. Off early& Sooz on the coast, so.. laundry. I need more work pants.
 Walk, sleep & heart wrist thing Tessa recommended arrived - still in box.
 Feels good to get good feedback from R & new dept head - that acknowledgement means a lot, because goddamit I deserve it. All the new work stuff becoming routine.
 Tues way home from wk, nothing to do at home, stopped at Plough.. chatty young vet sat near, we talked a lot, he was good at it, turned out to be open mic night - IPA, then another, then ordered a chicken sandwich with fries, took bread off.. left many fries - couple guitarists sat near, one with cigar box 3-string - soo cool! Chat chat chat, Bruce is documentary film guy from BOS, making film about homeless in Berkeley, working with BOSS, Boona's thing, but he didn't know her.. left after couple of acts, but said good-bye to Bruce, who gave me a big smile, and SP cook guy patted me on shoulder.. I like that place..
 What is noteworthy, was out of boredom, wanting something to do, I went to the plough, hoisted a couple, talked with strangers - socialized! Saw some music. Left at a decent time after 2 slowly sipped beers and food. Felt fine - but noted I don't get enough of it - felt.. right. Pubs.
 Sleep was rough.. again! Passed out before 10 I think -then woke ~1:AM! Fuck it - smoked some pot, and watched youtube relaxation videos of nature, moonlight on water at night.. somehow got enough sleep to feel good and get through a fast-paced day.
 mmm - laundry and Subway sandwich w/chips.. sometimes perfect...
 Going through a small collection of 4 CS Lewis 'sermons' - - if he's best they got, no wonder everyone's leaving. Yet I think he didn't think much of Catholics - anyway, I think looking into him is another way to get into Mom's mind, feel closer to her - reasonable - acceptable...
 So - getting better all the time - better Better Behhh-ter! Laundry getting done, weather warmer, days longer, WEF in ~2 weeks.
 GT photo is out in facebook video on national TV - blowing people's minds - photoshopped Shelley out, badly - not what I was told - and after I gave permission, Cambridge Analytics etc came out - fb went from evil to Evil.. I don't really mind at all - this is all old stuff - but could have been pretty cool, instead pretty sucky.. feel bad for Shelley - and still haven't been paid. Emailed last week - again soon.
 oh, and $800 for the knee/arm x-ray - still want MRI? Maybe - talk to doc.

 Tue May 1.18 nm
 Just a little - knee not hurting last night, no pot - sleep ~10 - up ~3(?) spotty sleep after.. feeling okay.. maybe I want someone to fight, a daddy to push back, rebel against, a boss - so small.. so useless..
 Mon Home after wk, nothing to do, getting dark, into pjs, walked to Plough, a beer? No.. just a walk.. up down home sidewalk, observing lights/plants from all angles.. nice.. looking squarely at life it's a bit sad; lights, gardens help.. beauty..
 Meditation, stretching, reading bible, TED talks a worthy goal, but realistic? hmp.. I am essentially just wanting to sit around, like most people.. need a bag to carry bible..
 Knee okay except going down stairs.. up is tricky but doable...
 No biking at WEF.. yikes.. accept change..
 Mon Apr 30.18 nm
 Five healthy habits were defined as:
 Not smoking - check
 Having a body mass index between 18.5 and 25 - I'm about 28.
 Taking at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day - well, I walk to & from work & around office. Hmp.
 Having no more than two glasses of wine a day - check
 Having a diet rich in items such as fruit, vegetables and whole grains, low in red meat, saturated fats and sugar - check - except for sugar.
 Now at work, must check in exactly 8hrs not a minute more - less is okay. Okay. Whatever. Bring old phone to use as timer? Seems crazy, but okay.
 Remember what is important.