"This is as good as it gets"

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 LIST FOR TOP OF PAGE UNTIL ALL DONE:
 Will: End-of-life, who gets: art/quilts/car/photos etc
 Get rid of old fridge
 Read Bible front to back
 Sell Frida pics on Etsy
 Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home.
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 Sat Apr 21.18 laundry 6pm
 Serious.. hmp
 Right knee... Farm Mkt ~12:30, eggs, Tibetan lunch.. blueberry bush, 2 6-packs of Cosmos colorful flowers.. Spiral Garden for 2 pairs of cucumbers, 2 chamomile, one of those fuzzy succulents? Tripped on greenhouse doorstep, twisted weak knee trying to catch myself, but off balance, not far from falling over.. knee hurt.. still can walk easily tho.. carefully, slowly...
 ..stop at Shattuck medical supplies place, been there since '88 - I thought since '70s! - $40 cane, $70 knee brace - extra large...walk through used car you-sell-it lot..
 Plant plants, but knee a problem, I can squat/band knee - sit cross-legged - getting up/down, pressure hurts.. like, can't do it.. humm..
 Blueberry bush in back with other one, so maybe two will work better fruit-bearing-wise, cosmos in small bed between my path & concrete bench, cucumbers in front yard - 2 each under tomato cages - last year's front/back Tiger Lilies sprouting, volunteer in hanging pot showing - old fuzzy succulent + new one in new pot - dirt was really hard.. see if it survives.. I think it is from Taylor!?
 Pulled some succulents out of back bed (used space for blueberry bush.. angrybirds/mideast salad (w/work pretzels) in white plastic chair by fence.. dishes and trash -
 - need something to do, so doing laundry even tho don't really need to, but if I'm gonna sit around on internet, may as well: bed clothes, green blanket, towels, PJs... I also just like having laundry done...
 After, bowl for salad/food/soup (?), thinking...
 Um. time to get serious..  denial at some point becomes untenable.. everyone does it, fine.. but... knees have been getting weaker for years, hip/knee pain around Gil's death (but not around Mom's?).. buying my first cane is.. an emotional numbness... I expected more anger, sadness, upset.. but more like, have to make adjustments, just to get to work, get through days... once I've taken care of life business, then deal with emotional side... do I need to talk to a therapist? About aging, health, death of friend and family... weight... self-care... what is available through work healthcare? Check into it.. I may need physical and mental therapy...
 New dept head is a pain point... but getting better all the time... so it is not a problem... if it gets bad, I can approach Randy, then her, and if necessary escalate it to global/regional... so there is a solution.. so it is an issue, not a problem... let it go... she is not going to fire me.. what can she do? Aside from use a demeaning tone of voice, she has no actual power over me, to affect my life negatively, so long as I do not give cause to termination - I am well-engaged and respected by the client in SF -  so no negativity from me, no argument, no anger, no tension, no snark, no "wise-ass" tone... do job best I can, avoid contact whenever possible, when she makes contact, listen, respond professionally, but don't engage.. cool. Be cool.
 Be cool.
 Call doc on Mon.. appt to discuss knee, cat-scans.. therapist... it's bad if I can't take stairs.. or bike.. I still have hope there's a 'cure'... wait for cat-scans.. meantime.. get real..
 Meditate, stretch, eat right, less snacking, watch weight... cook at home.. be happy.. do things I enjoy.. walk more... I'm going okay, saving, paying bills, etc. Yardwork is a great gift.
 Dec 2017

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 Sat Apr 21.18 nm
 Thurs am smog/windshield wipers/battery in Camry - pm Rockridge sushi boat ~8pm - leave home, eta back = ~40mins? Boats floating by with food are soothing and fun...
 Sleep somewhat improved, knee somewhat better but still rough kneeling etc.. it has been this way for a while, years? but can't ignore it now.. so read up on what to do to help... I notice now walking to from work, middle aged/old people with canes, hobbled walk... my knee wrap does nothing really... going up down stairs is easier, or I'm getting used to stiff right-leg hopping, supporting myself on railings.. it's not good...
 But most all rest, eyes, ears etc good :-) well. 2.0 reading glasses - for 64 that's still good...
 Easy Rider biker short fiction is cheap stupid junk.. for cheap stupid youth... something about it rings true and honest (or maybe just an honest depiction of the wastrel losers we romanticized)... biker mama getting done by whole crew, recruit's final test - nosily eating her out after - is pretty gross.. but that's test.. you do anything for your crew... feel kind of dirty/shamed after reading it.. brings back memories of 70s.. youth.. looking for a way out of working class...
 No way out...
 Fri pm Forgot to eat dinner.. angrybirds, Bowl for fruit/pudding... 3-4 hits, nice and high, various youtube... registered Camry at work... talked to bank lady, Thurs Xo acct rollover... close to $30K..
 Less facebook, but still lots.. my life is quiet, in some ways isolated.. fb provides illusion of community, knows how to addict, fire synapses... using it to stay in touch is good... super grateful for Buff/DJ.. lovely yard smoothie this morning sun coming through neighbor's fence, warm enough now for breakfast in yard and light evenings yay...
 up ~6 for internet, back to snooze till ~8.. Farm Mkt, yard work, maybe Mech bank to do Xo stuff...
 Getting out of town necessary.. maybe not today.. Maybe Sunday... SR or something.. today, let's be day of rest, clean cottage, do dishes, empty trash bins, weed beds.. plant raspberry bush.. plenty to do.. :-)
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Have started saying that again, have started gnawing on my own irritating bones instead of new dept head/stuff to learn.. good sign... make appt w/doc for cat-scans/whatever he recommends... physical therapy... maybe AARP has suggestions..? Do an overnight in Santa Cruz some day...
 Thus am I felt half-dead, so brain fried I worried about my ability to function.. took pics in work elevator, looked dead in some.. pale in white light, relaxed features... realized later I'd taken 2 of doc's "sleeping pills".. think that was why.. no more of that... yuck... I'd rather be tired than drugged...
 Nov 30. 2017 10:30am.. there we go.. been wanting to add this screenshot... Mary IM'd early am saying Mom's time was near, Tom & I drove over but false alarm... I knew it was "it", nurses said so, but added 'might' because you never know... it seemed to take them forever to get arrive, I was in a state, no idea was I crying outloud when nurses slipped out, closing door behind them.. then we all broke down as a family...

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 Thu Apr 19.18 nm Elmwood PEET's
 In early Wed for WebEx.. busy, fucking out of it mentally from sleep lack/tension - after wk, force ass out of rocking chair (painfully stiff lower back hurts have to get up carefully), walk to Bowl for fruit, way back stop at Plough for small pepperoni/onion/pineapple pizza 1.5 IPAs - yum!! Sleep ~10?  Think I slept till ~3-4? "rest" till 6:30..
 ...up early for 7:30 Stauder's appt: smog, check fluids, replace windshield wipers.. drop car, leave keys, walk ~8mins to Peet's Alcatraz/College - up that street is always cute sexy blonde artist daughter  - her sexy smile - who worked at Telegraph/Durant coffee place w/Tom/Shelley(?) mid 80s. Naked in her small bedroom with too much bright light pouring straight in, me too aroused to shoot well - tho frustration of bad location hurt focus.
 Beautiful cold morning..
 X-ray stuff in email this morning.. nothing on upper left arm, noted calcified lump in left breast; knees mainly okay, small sign of early degenerative disease in right knee.. hmp.
 Assume some stiffness body pain is stress related, and partial solution is meditation, stretching, yoga - diet?
 IM w/K on BART about Xo/E etc.
 Video chat w/Sooz Tues pm - depressed post-surgery, but enjoys yard, cats, etc.
 Getting out last night, walking, sun out till ~8 felt great - improved mood immediately - moving - more of that.
 Weekend went to join Etsy - already have an account, from when looking for porcelain? Now how and what to sell?
 Went to bump up UBER cc, they already had, from 1.4 to 2.4.. oh.. whatever...
 Posted best sex gifs and some old nudes to tumblr.. uhh.. been here before.. boring.. no value...
 Went to get car, says battery reads dead, ~$180 to replace, now waiting again...
 New work set-up training - used to be independent, doing more than required - training stuff to new people.
 Now training people who already know a lot - feels different! No more being a Star(!), because we are all a 'Team', all equal, nail that stands up gets hammered down.
 My daily goal: do my job, don't get fired, keep up, get paycheck, eat, pay bills/rent, time with friends online or face to face.
 It's mostly work - walking to Peets/back/sitting - nice - but every day forever? Major adjustment. Need goals - something to look forward to. Or do I?
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 Tue Apr 17.18 nm
 Sleep.. imperfect again.. but no knee pain etc.. lights out ~10, up ~4? Snooze till 7.. ~6hrs/night..
 Mon early to x-ray place in Telegraph.. upper left arm, and both knees,, knees only from front - - very curious to see if visible damage from 1982 Pete Townsend-style  jumping landing on my knees, on 1008 Snyder driveway (not grass which was tolerable) morning of drive with Joan & Ed (?), from Davis to Berkeley, Tina's place.. where I then got job at Wavy Gravy's Hog Farm phone service. as well as Big Shot Photo Lab... ah, yes.. memories...
 The Knee. Invulnerable youth.. then I think my cool sunglasses blew off my face on way down... I was no doubt super stressed/scared/freaked, big move, back to Berkeley w/no job.. borrowed $$ from Joan for rent in Tina's house.. jumped landed on knee was part of mental imbalance freak out.. normal everyday stresses... old age, body pain.. deal with it...
 Whiners are annoying.. suck it up best I can. Take care of myself.. don't expect tons of compassion from others.. that was Mom's job...
 Changes at work beginning to settle in.. enjoying moments of feeling it is routine so I can refocus on enjoying my off work life...
 Reading short fiction from Easy Riders paperback.. good junk... but move on to Bible..
 And get rid of rocking chair?.. I think it makes it easy to sit/be lazy, also not good for back...
 Still once a month think seriously about asking Sarah W, Shelley's CCAC Oakland artist friend, about paying to see her old sex videos/pics made for long-distance lover... but did I ask already? Look into it; if so, drop it forever. Please. It's one thing to be human, desire rude pleasures - another to bother people about it.
 Work will be fine.. new job intake and such fine. I need to learn morning stuff since morning folks do it all, so have virtually no experience with early morning job intake..
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 Mon Apr 16.18 nm
 Yeah, I guess life is less fun, more painful, feels less worth it since Gil & Mom died - add Scott to that - Happy Anniversary! - Gil & Scott were the only two people I truly collaborated with, they knew me as an artist, respected my skills, not ignoring my personality flaws - and it's overcast, rainy.. hahah - thankfully the yard is amazing, and tomatoes/strawberries, poppies planted, stretching seems to be helping arms/knees, but still tender, stiff, unreliable -
 Sun ~2 Moe's got 2 books for Eric, rare pulp horror - 1 $50, walked out, then other book called out - wth, he wants it - $240 - we regularly spend more than that on sushi - Peet's mocha, stroll to campus, Rasputin's, Gordo's for 2 crispy chicken tacos/beans/rice, turned out eyes bigger than stomach, 1/2 to homeless guy.. salad from Bowl.. Plough for a pint, watch kids play music onstage/families in audience - what a great pub.. at home, angrybirds, Sooz called about Xo's acct, whether pr not necessary for her to sign form.. maybe not? Call bank today.. Talking to Sooz was good, isolated lonely weekends not good... if knees keep hinder activities, hiking etc more of a challenger...
 Sleep ~10:30-5:30.. think I slept well.. trying for 7hr sleep good idea... snooze till 6:30.. ~8 head to x-ray place.. ask about 1/2 day Thurs before WEF off, and also Sept 4-day Jazz weekend...
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 Sun Apr 15.18 nm
 Ohh.. there's that date - taxes done, Scott dead...
 5 years stuck on my eyes
 5 years what a surprise
 5 years my brain hurts a lot
 Five years that's all we've got
 Sad sad loss, and nightmarish for his family.. damn Scott..
 Sat: bit brain dead from wk stress, dizzy from dehydration(?), Nomad, farm mkt: meat/eggs/strawberry/poppy plants, bank for cash quarters, Telegraph, Moe's, rare book spot lots of Lovecraft - sent pics to Eric to choose from, use both railings going down stairs, read chunks of Big Book get weepy, tells me don't be afraid, fear leads to drinking.. - I see all my fears about work in particular - God will not throw anything at me I can't handle -
 - Peets Mocha Frappocino yum!, home - decided no plant stuff yet for fear of hurting back - stretch first.. internet, clear stuff off laptop, most all Mek into storage, dishes, trash, angrybirds, ~7 small hits, Plough for beer, good vibe, sound check interesting, order pizza, share table, sip 2 IPAs.. pay to stay till ~10..that worked..  band starts at 9:15...
 ...water - wank.. sleep ~11, wake ~5.. snooze till 8.. 
 What to do about work stress, body pain etc.. IM'd with K who is in Vancouver, end of TED.. about our body pain...
 For me - to help knees, overall peace of mind - lose weight, meditate, physical therapy/ stretching... all those things necessary like food, roof, clothing..
 That list at top.. fridge/Etsy/bible/food -if it sits there and I don't do it, leads to depression, anxiety.. do them or not...
 Everyone fears failure at work, health etc.. meditate, eat well, sleep well, spend time with friends, do my best in all things...
 Clips my nails, stretch before & after planting tomatoes, strawberries, poppies..
 $7K into Xo's account.. 5 from Sooz, 2 from me..
 X-ray Mon am
 Call auto place arrange for smog...
 This a good life. Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Do not withdraw from life. That buries stress/fear/anxiety, affects my health/happiness.. Deal with it in light, head on.. I'll be fine.. not dealing with it does not make it neutral.. it hurts me/those around me.. because I withdraw from them, too...
 Okay - lovely day.. almost 10..

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 Sat Apr 14.18 nm
 Beautiful morning - a bit dizzy in head - allergies..
 Stretched in backyard - felt good - stiffness.. soft 'popping' in joints - stretched both arms up, could do it!  - not been able last year or so - post-Gil illness/death - stiff point top of left arm still there, some restricted movement, much better than 6mos ago... right knee did not hurt last night, body felt fine in bed, walking is fine, difficulty up/down stairs.. called doc office Fri to check on adding knee to x-ray arm referral, they said adding knee to arm referral had gone through, in mail last night..
 .. Mon am to x-ray place for arm, knees.. then CAT scans...
 fears:
 Failing at work, old age/retirement/health failure/change.. normal anxieties...
 I won't fail at work
 Social Security cushions me againt worst retirement fears - friends/family help
 Old age is far off - don't worry about future (or past) any more than necessary...
 Health good, even with knee/body pains, they're not bad! - disappointing if I can't bike/hike - wk health insurance is 'solution' - it is not cancer/fatal.. small stuff..
 All-in-all, I'm in a good position... have been in far worse... revel, enjoy these times of comfort and relative serenity... this is as good as it gets...
 Many good things to enjoy - most 'worries' plaguing me will never happen, right? This is being human - Focus on positive, now, good, here.. friends, food, roof, garden, Spring, weather, mornings, skylight, I wanted to get up early/enjoy mornings: I do that.. Fun job doing artsy stuff/teaching! Bosses are thorns on rose of good job - suck it up and no whining - no one wants to hear it.
 Fri Bed early again - then up sometimes in night - early - maybe doing this wrong?.. for 7hrs sleep, I want ~11-6.. going to bed @9:30-10 maybe too early - I'm in constant sleep catch-up mode.. stay up.. walk.. play in yard... try 11-6 or 7, see how it goes..
 Losing Mom, esp. how we did, a large blow, still feeling it body, soul, mind even tho I'm not conscious of it through day - when I think of it home alone I cry dry tears.. it hurts bad.. have compassion for myself.. there's no need, no benefit in trying to be tough & stoic.. feel it now..
 Seems like since I tried viagra last month, I get better erections now, at night, and when I take my time instead of yanking at soft/weak orgasm half-cocked.. slow stroking, esp balls, good hard-on, stays stiff longer after O.. psychology...
 I have a dream, that in a year - all things remaining equal - current physical stuff - arm & knee pain/weakness - will be resolved..
 No plans this weekend.. plant tomatoes, FarmMkt, make plans this week to get Camry smogged...
 Work has been more than usually stressful > upcoming months will be busy, but do-able - no doubt about that - oh, good news - dept head called to give dates if new hire Summer training > One is Mon June 10 (?), I checked, Monday after Blues weekend - oops - before I could say maybe I can change, she said she'd tell them it's no go. Period. Okay. So maybe she also looks after us as well.
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 Thu Apr 12.18 7pm laundry
 In early some days for trainings, WebEx's, I get out early, enjoying hours of long days - 7:12 now lots of light; sat in cold backyard with Buff, hummingbirds, catching up.. good. Been withdrawn unhappy last year losing Gil. Gil, Mom all of them would want me to be happy, as I'd wish that for anyone I leave behind. I think.
 Knee bad - need to call Doc, smog car, ask for Sep Fri-Mon Jazz fest days off.
 Finished JR Tolkien magazine skimmed blandly sexy teen vampire paperback - pfft. Bible in blue bag now? Big commitment; get it done. Etsy.
 New work stuff coming together, learning how to deal w/new dept head (positive distance, never pushback, that's what she wants), music for summer, $100 to Rancho Nicasio bartender cancer fundraiser...  emails about SoChas from Beth, Happy Birthday to Tom, and Dean (Gil's buddy).
 Life changes and settles...
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 Wed Apr 11.18 nm
 Feeling sad - for no reason - in bed this am asked myself, if Mom & Gil were alive, would that be better? Yes - it would help to have people - Mom alive was such a plus. Probably need to eat, too. Eat before I decide this sadness is depression. Also, talking to Sooz last night - aging, pain - sex drive fades and body pain becomes norm - if my knee goes bad (been hurting for a month - can hardly take stairs), I can find flat path to walk, not climb hills - can't bike - I saw myself older biking.. hmp.
 So look into knee - call doc today, see about knee x-ray - take glucosamine joint supplement.
 3rd training of new stuff yesterday went well - booking room, projecting, loosened up on training stuff - focus on getting msg across, less on training Best Practices which are distracting and sometimes inappropriate. I felt 'in the room', less robotic with them, and I think that counts for a lot.
 Finished Fear/Loathing - great read/revisit of my youthful outlook, early 70s drug culture.
 Car needs to be smogged by mid-May.. do that next week.
 Much less fb - no every day posts nor changed top pics.. no Twitter/Flickr/Pinterest makes no diff.
 Mom died just 4 months ago, I did not take Leave of Absence... my choice not to use up my PTO, and seems like too much going on to leave them alone..  still suffering from that.. perhaps July OR vacation will be time to deal and grieve.. meantime May-June looks to be busy training; morning guy at work needs to take care of LA; I don't see anything happening - maybe quietly? I 30% expect at some point them to come to me w/"You have to do LA, too."
 Laptop going slow updating - all backed up into new 1T drive - comfort.
 Going into work early, sleep maybe better, still waking up hour or 2 before wake time. Not sleeping sound, waking up when it's time to get up. Big disruptive changes at work - natural stress. It's fine. Mon pm drove to Rockridge sushi boat, that was enjoyable, appreciate beautiful clear 'color' of rice wine - then home for pot/pudding, Roadrunner/ Coyote cartoons - laughed like a child - last month has been rough/stressful - if I am enjoying sushi, sake, cartoons, also Marge & John & Sooz etc.. then I'm okay. Normal life stress - changes at work, new system to learn, normal life stress. I'm okay.
 It's quality problem - death hurts because I have friends to lose, stress over changes because I have a job.
 Yard is looking amazing in full post-rain Spring color bloom. Tall purple spikes a crowd-pleasure.
 Car running well. Aside from knee, body working well. Enjoying books I choose to read. Nomad a good morning coffee/wifi place. Short walk to BART. Low rent in cool skylight cottage with beautiful yard. Buff & DJ good property mates/friends. Nice clothes - art in cottage - $$ in bank - nice bed quilts, pillows, etc. Live pretty frugal - ~$200/mo on phone, wifi, tablet.. ? Look into making that cheaper. So many things to be grateful for.
 Yes! Thank you! Be good today.
 I may be losing interest in sex per se; still enjoy a beautiful woman's body. That's good, too. Thank you to anyone who shared their beauty with me in pictures.

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 Sun Apr 8.18 nm
 Work will be a challenge, including new dept mgr - look at is as a challenge - provides a little non-personal distance - right now it feels overwhelming - tired, lots to learn/keep organized - desk too small - ask for that larger desk? Brain tired, stressed by pressure - sigh. Kick back and enjoy when I can.
 IMs w/Nur - paintings sold - mideast salad lunch ~2 - front yard ~1 pulled bushel full of weeds - then back hurt quite a bit - took a pill - WTF? Body pains - hobbled by painful knee, back, upper arm still a bit - plus work stress brain tiredness - making me feel old/depressed.
 Download angrybirds, set alarm for 45mins - IM w/* about WEF etc. - downtown pizza slices, $5 No Man's Land at bookstore (also Elephant Man, found line about "You have never been more sacked" which I thought was "I have never been more in earnest" - maybe changed in TV version?), gelato - Bowl closed Sun @7, so WF for berries/bread/cheese/toothpaste.
 Bed early - more sleep - Mon: 8am call, noon dept mtg, afternoon MA training. Tues morning CORE training - I feel better prepared now.
 Pain killers, shower, trim.. I'll be okay - I will likely be pretty poor when I retire.. no sense worrying about it - life is good now - health overall good, enjoyable activities - could be far worse. Accept life's challenges, move forward.
 Uploaded OPIK pics to LRY reunion/OPIK page - noticed Anne Davis's sister in Columbus winter 72 group shot, pshopped/crop version, send both to Anne, she excited, said her sis was glad to have it, too. Cool. Little things.
 This weekend: Marge/John/Mark, L, Nur, Anne Davis, someone posted pic of Scott/Mitch NC 1988 - commented on that - responses. Buff/DJ here but not visible. Folks at Nomad cafe. IM w/Eric about Davis field bridge pic. Just little contacts that make life bearable.
 Marge asked if I wanted to visit farm, she said Shelley said I never would, I mentioned two hostile comments on facebook, made me think she didn't want me out there - Marge said she had no idea about her hostile comments, said maybe she'd ask.
 Just remembered, I think maybe Buff/DJ gone this weekend? Check house, shower, trim ears, pot, angrybirds, sleep.
 Clit. That is one dramatic vulva colorful hungry sopping slippery wild.

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 Sun Apr 8.18 nm
 Oh must I? A bit.. stressed, depressed, sad? Naw - depressed stressed is when your life has fallen apart, you have no future, broken, unemployed, addicted, DUI's in the legal system, living with your ex 'cause you have no place to go, no resources... etc.. etc...
 Davis - lost in the past.
 After Peet's cruise down 8th for quick 1008 Snyder visit, up Anderson past Covelle into fields.. without much trouble into recognized areas, uncertain about Rd #'s, eyeballed to bridge where Shelley/Eric I took pics, and past which did the DUI - that's a creepy place to drive past... could have died.. or killed someone, been ruined...
 It's all kinda in one northeast grid, hasn't changed at all - funky, mud and rock roads old tore up bridge railings - romping, drinking beer in irrigation ditches, naked by the remains of a fire/Beth C on lap.. soft warm flesh meeting... looked for area old migrant camps would have been but no luck..
 Marge & John ~2pm as they suggested, John in wheelchair 6 weeks to heal so that's a relief, he seemed good otherwise, Quiche Lorraine, diced fruit, funny cats and cute puppy, too much caffeinated tea.. catch up, Mom's death, sibs.. some morbid stuff: assisted suicide, staying positive... they let me bitch about work stress.. after talking to them my knee felt much better! so.. hmm.. continues interesting.. use psychology, get some of that joint supplement.. lv ~6:30..
 Mom/Dad dead, home gone, Marge & John as near as I have to parents, family... they took care of me...
 People need to know they are cared for.. the way Sooz & I care for Xoxo all these years...
 Good parking spot across from sushi boat place - hyper, hungry, stressed about work changes.. normal, work changes cause stress...
 Food helped, large hot sake, walk around block to digest, take in Davis.. it offers some entertainment, band playing in plaza near ice cream joint.. but it sells dreams to youth, not to me.. but it does have intellectual stuff for adults.. so...
 Davis full of hopes, fears, drunken foolishness, false hopes, unexpected contacts.. clinging to Scott's music scene like a drowning man... alone, inches from failure...
 But that was 1983.. living in car.. desperate for success in a relationship dumped it all on Jen B.. 35years ago... let go.. I did what I needed to do to survive.. as do we all...
 Here I am now... When I visit Davis, like Charleston, I feel sadness for all that was, now gone.. don't be sad about ghosts.. I learned, it made me what I am.. mistakes learned from are how we reach successes.. life is all that matters...
 Googled angrylambie nude, a lot gone, no twitter/pinterest etc. Bit uncomfortable but good - my photos on internet need not define me, what good have they done really, aside from the Frida stuff, that's getting old. It was good for a while.. and a break is good, too..
 Nice wank to LR macro video w/vibrator - morning snooze fantasies threesome with B Clark/Rebecca - me viral, us loving friendly kind..  soft warm buttocks sitting heavily on me, facing away, while Beth cuddle under arm, we watch Rebecca's ass, excited encouraging, me rubbing Beth's wet pussy from behind... taking turns on my deep hard thick everlasting loving hot red swollen cock... wearing a condom.. Davis brings up my sexual life.. that can be distressing, remembering, remembering.. because if it's remembered, it is past... prepare, find a way to see is positive... it is gone gone gone college days.. I was fucking lucky to have them, meet Chris, Joanie, X-Men, Scott, Fred, Nan, etc... Through which I met everyone else almost.. music.. Eric through music..
 Okay - shake it off.. but remembering how exciting this was.. at first.. then it became a distressing thing to escape.. but I remember the uncontrollable excitement... excitement of chase, payoff of her hairy wet physical parts.. dark dank damp ugly exciting full fleshy valley between legs... I was 30, she 20.. showing her things for 1st time... sex...

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 Sat Apr 7.18 Davis Peet's noon
 Bed early - 9'sh - wake ~5, snooze/sleep/dream till 7:30 - well-rested.. feeling okay - shower/smoothie.. comfy clothes...
 Nomad - window broken by brick, cash drawer stolen - my 1st thought was give $500 to help with cost - but, no..

 Take is slow,  - no rush - Marge email says 1-2pm best time, moving slow, and John broke hip, in bed, or wheelchair.. sad..
 Lv ~9? Easy traffic, overcast/sun, bit o rain.. hit town ~11, cruise Slatter's court, wonder if I could live for a while in one of those tiny cottages? Farm Mkt strawberries and dried figs. Crowd annoys me. Getting old and cranky? Now at Peet's for cold brew.. blog here.. south Davis old neighborhood.. I think about trying to retire here; wonder about knee - whole point of Davis is bikes.. knee makes biking difficult.. get knee looked at now, this year, while I have work health coverage. Yikes.
 Re-reading Fear & Loathing in LV.. so good - hold up well.

 A gift.. beautiful .. well appreciated.
 My job is not in jeopardy, but no raise on horizon.. not locally, and from what I read not happening nationally. Be grateful for what I have - it is a rich life.
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 Thu Apr 5.18 nm
 Scott's bday yesterday.. no.. no  impact.. 5yrs... plus, Gil gone so no one really to talk with it about, plus Mom's unfortunate death 4mos ago much larger impact... empty spot where Gil was still weighs... not acceptable...
 Was bike pick-up just yesterday? Yep! Bed @9..sleep till 3.. toss turn snooze till 7:30.. hmp
 Good news: new work stuff to adjust to almost 100% done - things are going well. It's almost like a new job takes time - but success. I can feel good about it.
 Quitting Twitter etc was a good move.. close last personal tumblr, too? But leave up Photo Robert? Leave up private nude page on fb? Is that done? Let's leave that up till I'm further past Mom's death depression. Let's not get to impulsively/crazy/pure.. some comfort in having them up? Like, how important is it really to have Frida gun, 3 graces w/penises, Iggy & Bowie dancing online? They're old.. put them on Etsy instead and charge?
 The Internet is not the answer.
 The Internet is not free.
 Facebook is not free.
 It's over.
 The Internet is a blank activity to fill/kill time avoiding feeling alone. While doing that it sucks out your soul. Better to play solitaire, or read a comic book, or listen to music, play in the yard, cook a meal, sew a hole, draw...
 ..work till you die? I guess. Move someplace real cheap.. make a good life of it - like I am now.
 My cognitive facilities have been suffering lately, along w/arm/knee pain - hoping it is post-Mom/Gil depression, will get better in time...
 Visit Marge/John Sat? Bring bike. Bring food.
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 Wed Apr 4.18 hm 5:54pm
 Lousy sleep after 3 - hmp -, in early for conf call about training. - tired - but got jobs done well.
 Good part: off early, so downtown BART picked up StumpJumper from shop - ~$150 when I was expecting $300 - stopped for chocolate gelato - yum! Gently rolled/biked home - it's fun! And bike felt great - tho
 - knee hurting - it got better as I gently used both legs. Slow biking, high gear..
 Called doc office from work to get knee put on x-ray referral - nurse called back said she'd talk to him.
 At home new storage drive arrived in mail along with cassette adaptor for car. So nice things..
 Bike, cassette, storage, ice cream - aside from lack of sleep - feeling good. I think about quitting - if things are really so bad it's the right thing to do - but then I'd lose health benefits that will pay for x-rays etc. Hmp. Stay for year.
 Buff/DJ maybe gone till Mon; put garbage out; Tues pm called Sooz, made happy birthday video for Xo, w/Buff in yard all charmed/approving, kind words about our love for Xo/how it helps her. A good kind man. Made file smaller, mailed to Sooz & K this morning.
 Good life. I am still sore about lonely crazy childhood - all childhoods are painful - life is painful, then we die - get over it.
 Hummingbird by door - just briefly came through door hum/buzzing - Japanese lantern.
+++++
 Tues Apr 3.18 nm
 Yesterday wk non-stop - but okay -, burn out ~5, enjoying Chandler's The High Window on BART - sit in lovely backyard, 1/2 falafel/pretzels - yard lush green, some trimmed, lots of overflowing green life - sun going down, lovely light - played angrybirds till after dark -
 Bed early'ish after finishing Stilton/bread bedtime snack.. ordered 1T storage from Amazon, called Missing Link, pick up bike after work Fri - BART to Berk, bike home?
 Call Doc today about adding knee - knee feeling better - emotions/stress really seem to affect it - the more work stress I'm feeling more it hurts - what to do?
 Sleep ~10-5?
 Show up @wk, do my job, get satisfaction, enjoy praise and thanks - I want to be happy and enjoy going to work.
 ~6 weeks to WEF - not even focused on it - good to visit Davis 1x/yr getaway - see a couple old friends/bike a lot.. now I'll really be one of the old ones - maybe some good music and nighttime wandering.. rest.. probably can't get Thur before off, but see how it's looking!
 Davis Saturday, with bike - then? Hotel somewhere?
+++++
 Mon Apr 2.18 nm
 Slept good again, no knee pain, dreams - 2 hits cannabis, scanned/framed-through Mechagodzilla vs. Godzilla - that was actually great fun - falafel/beef dinner - Amazon: ordered new cassette adaptor for car, now new backup drive.. rent check on back window, gonna send check for Verizon (don't want to 'join' Verizon).. checked location of x-ray place - blocks away/3minutes! Call Fitzer to see about adding knee.
 Feeling okay about closing online sites.. read books, walk, garden instead..
 Woke up, started thinking about work stress - through "I want to be happy and enjoy my job."
 I want to be happy, and enjoy my job. Felt better thinking that.
 Emailed Marge/John - maybe visit Davis next week.
+++++
 Sun Apr 1.18 laundry 6:03pm
 After Nomad, Mideast salad lunch, shower/wash hair, Tilden ~12:30? pass Missing Link - closed Sun - flat upper path to lake, sit w/other old folks on long bench by Lake, lots of new growth greenery, birdsongs, families with children in another world.. back along wooden trail, up road - knee a problem, used walking stick, going even a few stairs hurt.. stayed on flat ground where possible.. avoid bending right knee - hmp.. wore new hiking boots, perfect fit, not aware of them - wore new sunglasses - so that ~$300 at REI - boots, glasses, walking stick - worked out okay..
 New NoBerk bookstore, scanned How To Read Nancy, bit of Joni Mitchell bio.. Peets for Mocha..
 Downtown 1/2 Price: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (!) and Biker short stories from Easy Rider.. Arnell's pizza one slice pepperoni, onion, pineapple.., $5 mocha, $6 book/DVD, $5 pizza...
 Could plant tomatoes in front yard, but laundry.. wash stress sweat out of bed clothes etc..
 Rent check taped to back window.. prioritize x-ray arm and knee.. get hours/location, how to add knee?..
 Am I really cutting back on all the photo sites? Maybe.. done this before - but - it feels 'done', I mean, posting my work - there was an interest in my photos, in me, after Scott killed hisself, and Gil died.. I was part of GT history, and my nude photos were a point of curiosity - so the private page got attention it would not get before Scott died (?), nor so much now.. or I would not have had such a need to share them.. anyway.. those photos are old! Dated.. of interest to a dwindling band of people... so time to move on.. also Frida nudes/with gun.. its time is passed - let go...
 Trans nudist montages are getting little embarrassing - I've made my point - posting them, my kink, nude selfies, nude Fridas.. made my point.. no need to leave them up...
 I am concerned I might be withdrawing to protect myself from new dept head, and that is part of that is spreading into withdrawing from social media.. so much exposed.. we'll see.. not like tumblr/twitter/flicker/pinterest etc were doing me any good...
 Need something to do.. try Etsy...
 Beautiful day.. that was good pizza..
 Anne moving to Wheeling.. Tom commenting on my fb posts... no word from Mary - how did surgery go? Beth doing school stuff... not much news from Joan/Jeff..
+++++
 Sun Apr 1.18 nm
 Sleep ~10-7:30 ? Good.. good sleep.. pot, no pill..
 Less time online has meant a lot of time online this morning: Closed Twitter and Pinterest, deleted ~1/2 Flickr pics, almost all Tumblr happylambie/Frida fake pics, blocked pages I was following; deleted about 3 dozen fb videos (mainly old, or repetitive Mendo splash I have elsewhere), ~6 fb galleries of art, anything with any nudity.
 Not only need less time online - less fb evil abuse - , but also can't trust fb - no longer a safe repository because one never knows what will get one kicked off/no way to appeal their untrustworthy bots.
 So this is a good move, time well-spent.
 Knee still tender, but thinking about Tilden easy low road stroll - pick up bike from Missing Link.
 Quiet - quietly reassessing - Pause - Spring is here - enjoy the sun light warmth long days... this is a weekend for rest.. upcoming weekends drive/walk to enjoy wildflowers...
+++++
 Sat Mar 30.18 hm 7:30
 Just back from Rockridge sushi boat - feeling grateful for being well-rested, friends, coming on of Spring, food -
 Some yard work felt good - weeded front bed along sidewalk, also my little garden plot by path - Tiger Lilies coming in! Chat w/Buff - New Orleans cancelled while they deal with failing Angel.. harsh.. reality... she might live a long time with injected fluids.. like Gil/Stacey did with Monster - took a lot out of them :-(
 Go through stuff on this laptop.. move some to (now full) storage.. need new storage... 1/2 falafel w/pretzels lunch..
 I'm 64, my knee hurts, my air is gray, I have to get up/down slowly.. in/out of car slowly... other than that, good health far as I know.. no complaining.. can I bike? We'll find out... I toasted a cup of hot sake to getting along with new dept head..
 Skimmed early mk emails Oct 2017.. called me her sex guru.. from a very repressed country/bad marriages.. eating pussy/sucking cock/rimming/enjoying pussy even when bloody is normal, enjoying touch everywhere, all positions, all pleasures.. body 'imperfections'.. talked about sex in plain terms.. she loved 1980 photo of me licking Tonya from behind.. so many nice photos from her... it was so intense, so quick - repeatedly inviting me over was not good sign, but it seemed to be doing her good, all the sharing of everything/breaking through so many boundaries... and her art is good... but it had to end and I didn't see anyway for it to end nicely.. it had to end.. she did it, that was best.. she kept her pride.. I needed my energy for long-term proven relationships... shame... be nice to have both.. all.. but real love, real passion have to be first in line at dinnertime...
 Yard work, yay, felt good, warmish sunny weather nice, purple stock flowers up front are lovely, talked to neighbor about avocado I left on their porch, plant tomatoes tomorrow? Put a bunch of succulents in sidewalk flat area. Sweep.
+++++
 Sat Mar 30.18 nm
 Home Fri late afternoon feeling an odd tiredness... still light out when I laid on bed fully clothed.. so maybe 6:30pm..? Out! - no pot nor pill necessary -, finally under covers clothed, bright porch light - ~3-4am pulled clothes off, water, internet for 30mins?.. back to bed/sleep - up 8am.. close to 12-13hrs anyway.. just went through, <snipped> out most references to wk stress.. leave it out.. don't want it to become big fat ugly smelly hurtful stressful part of my life. You become what you resist. Resisting aggressive anger will make me aggressive/angry. Step aside, dodge, weave, let is pass by toward its intended target which is unknown and need not be known to me - which is not me. Leave wk stuff there - ritually leave them in a sealed container. Those things help. No bitterness. Make it work for me.
 Needing 13hrs sleep is a sign I need to work on stress levels. I think I feel normal for the first time in a while?
 Feels good.. today: Join h.. reading High Window Noir - fun! Lots of crazy characters, dead bodies, old coins. Get a less colorful bag for Bible. Maybe pick up bike? See if x-ray place open weekends, see about getting knee added to paper. Google how to cook/spice lentils.
 ahh.. nothing much on my mind... that's good.. body feels rested.. knee did not hurt last night/feels good now... mind rested and at rest.. ~10:30 - let' move on.. sitting for hours with face in laptop is what I'm moving away from...
 Aim high. Do what I want. Make lists of easily do-able, medium term, and long-term. If its not do-able take it off the list.
 Be happy.
 Feb 2017

+++++
 Thu Mar 28.18 nm
 Wed phone chat w/CHI head - <snip>
 Training 20 people today - no problem - follow slides.. look over notes today.. I've learned from 2 earlier trainings - # of people makes no difference, I've done way more. Cool room - good acoustics - make eye contact, point to screen, look at audience when talking.. skip anecdotes/jokes -stick to script - bring humor back in later when I got info down better...
 Started new Chandler noir.. always cool.. The High Window - some of it rings bells - maybe I read it years ago - my mind is sharper now/I know how to read noir - one must take mental notes/memorize names etc - so easier to follow twists -
 Sat in on CSS training how to organize - one bit of good advice: if I make lists, make short, medium, and long-term lists - otherwise, as things don't get done on schedule, it creates stress. Health-related stuff in particular I put off for year/s.
 Knee still bothering me on stairs, better, word straps in bed last night - noticed at one point this morning, when I started thinking about new dept head knee started hurting, so I changed thoughts and it got better. Yeah - need solution here.
 Buff/DJ gone for a week in Apr. Laundry every day! :-D
 K spending a lot of time w/Xo because she'll be away on her 13th bday - sending me lots of nice photos. :-)
 Wed pm weary/dead brain after work - bowl for berries/eggs, cross town looking for ramen place I have Sat lunch at - where? where? drove up/down Shattuck haha - finally rediscover near Missing Link.. ~$30+tax for soup/gyoza/sake.. big meal might help me sleep through night - too expensive tho, but I do like atmosphere - it felt like a win - I am being pushed out of my comfort zone at work, that is good - that is where life begins - that is where I become a real teacher, and not just a bundle of un-polished skills and natural abilities.. it is uncomfortable - that's good. Better than getting bored. Exciting!
 A little tense now, pre training - not unpleasant - mind gone blank - I've worked, studied, accepted suggestions - talked through ideas.. now I go out, again, lean on slides, trust info is in my brain to be triggered by slides/subjects - relax.. don't focus on being liked personally - that will happen or not organically - , focus on info to be presented. If they get info they need, clearly presented, they will like team.
 Soon it will 2nd nature - no one expects it to be perfect 2nd time through. Have never been in this situation, have always been independent, doing best I can on my own - now - boom being watched, trained, tested..  this is more like reality. Grasp hold of it - discomfort is normal, can have value is it is accepted as help and support and not a cause of stress. Criticism is a chance to improve., Remember that.
 Not too much chat and extrapolation today - keep it Simple, Clear and Memorable.
 And remember, it's my job, it needs to be done well, I can do it - but it is not the end of the world even if I make a mistake. I am one small part of a global initiative - and everyone - everyone - is under pressure to make it work well. The people watching me are under pressure to make it work well - work with them.
+++++
 Wed Mar 27.18 nm
 Angel on her last legs, Buff/DJ leaving for week in NO early April - pit her down 1st?Hard.
 IMd w/Sooz, in better mood, I listened more - knee hurting - more I use it the more it might hurt next day - what to do? Last weekend walked a lot and it hurt a lot and kept me up at night. Not so bad last night - knee brace - not sure how much it's helping - at all?
 Make Happy bday video for XO next week, with flowers and dolls.
 June Gville Anniversary/Blues weekend > tickets came out - more expensive > on Anniv Sat there are extra special tickets - cost about 2x as much as past years: 
 past  $90/day - 2x 180 = $360 for both of us/good seats all weekend -
 No sleeping pill, bed ~10 - up ~1am, pee by door brightly moonlit yard, another hit of pot, back to bed - I know I slept because I dreamed - missing tickets, going to be late stress dreams - but sleep! Up ~7:30 - shower, smoothie.. here I am.. slowly getting it together at work for training admin stuff.
 Tennies muddy, wearing black work shoes, comfy. Steering away from evil facebook, except for people contacts.
 Finished 11 mins - read Wiki Algerian war articles - now what?
 Waiting for $2K check from facebook guy - that'll help with music weekend.
 IM catch-up w/Tessa - that was fun. Some odd bond. Over my connection to music scene/her mom?
 Oh, good music on Blues day - Taj Majal Trio! Yes! Robert Cray, Elvin Bishop, Eric Burdon & Animals - that'll all be worth a gander, the old guys before they go.
 Life is good - We are all going to die - do not worry myself about new dept head Chi-D. She can't hurt me. Paper Tiger. I'm good.
 Days longer, warmer - flowers blooming - yard looking good - getting weeding itch - Sooz said walking stick price not bad because it's well-made -
 So - Bible - and Etsy.
+++++
 Mon Mar 25.18 nm
 Sleep ~10, up ~2am and rough sleep, if any - knee hurting, other aches, fear of crippling body stuff.. hmp.. comfy, but no REM sleep..
 Stayed in bed till 7:30..shower/wash hair, smoothie..
+++++
 Sun Mar 24.18 II hm 8:14
 Mideast salad lunch, IM's w/K early afternoon, plant catnip - clearing beneath front yard cage, churning up dark post-rain soil, pleasantly cold/warming sun, lovely early afternoon, one of my fave weekend events, three plugs close together, easy pinning cage down into soaked soil... empty trash/compost/garbage bins... dishes...
 REI on San Pablo.. expensive! but convenient.. okay.. $160 boots, $60 sunglasses (gahh!!), $70 walking stick (gahhh!!! should have cheked price) - ~$300.. Jesus.. it's okay, feel a little guilty, but I got what I wanted, cheaper online but this way I'm sure I got what I want and stuff fits!~ And, like the $300 bike update, it is stuff I might use for years!
 Called Stacey to see if she wanted to get something to eat - too busy, nice chat.. took edge off my loneliness - cruise aimlessly through North Berkeley neighborhoods, wind up nr Nr Berk Peets, chat w/L in car, then in Peets w/mocha.. flirty fun.. stroll down Shattuck, Walgreens for two $20 knee wraps (one for trunk).. it is time, hurting, hurts getting into car... hard to get off ground, shaky going down stairs.. why does it come and go? Have one on now - feels better... downtown: 1/2 price books, comic book stroll..
 Stop at Bowl for 1 onion, feel good about that! Little things cheer me up - put FarmMkt beef in grill with chopped up onions/fan blowing smoke out door.. yummy! heat remaining clam chowder, time it to 5mins.. good eating...
 Lots of good stuff this weekend.. still adjusting to "Chiboss" @wk, <snip>
 Farm Mkt
 Tilden stroll
 Bike to shop
 Yummy Ramen lunch
 Moe's: 2 books
 Groceries
 Laundry
 Plant catnip
 Move a few of Sooz's succulent cuttings into 2nd pot
 Boots, sunglasses, walking stick
 Knee braces
 Chats w/friends..
 Delicious piece of grilled meat/onions, clam chowder
 Weekend loneliness is an issue.. not good for me.. what can be done?
 No sleeping pill tonight... end of day today, book store, bowl etc I've pretty much forgotten about work stuff.. good sign.. it can be processed, obviously not a huge issue.. give it more time... 8:45.. getting nicely drowsy.. join Etsy... make friends..
 I removed a lot of trans and other weak stuff from Twitter..  figuring to clear out sketchy stuff from angrylambie media in prep for angrylambie etsy...
 Good weekend.. I wonder if biking (and losing weight) will help my knee.. losing weight.. hmmm.
+++++
 Facebook and internet are designed to be addictive, their creators understand all of us way better than we understand ourselves; our desire to be online / facebook all the time is a result of their designs. With alcohol, after admitting one has a problem, the next step is to stop drinking. After admitting one has a problem with internet addiction, the next step is to spend less time on facebook and the internet.
+++++
Sun Mar 24.18 nm 10am
 Better sleep than yesterday, still up ~5:30.. hmp - seems I'm getting ~6hrs sleep, instead of 7.. hmp...tea before bed? Meditation before bed?
 Dragged myself out of bed, but smoothie & Nomad bkft bagel/mocha helped.. the knee hurting is a bummer, maybe comes/goes as I upset myself overthinking work stress - obviously an issue seeing how much of last weeks here are about work.. sooo boring.. but good indication... work has been 'easy', doing my own stuff/scanning/slowing down etc.. nothing much has changed.. I don't need to print online articles to read.. it was a convenience.. I don't need to scan pics - I could buy a $100 printer for home.. and when I consider that I realize it's not necessary, not worth making space for... I can still edit my videos, do photoshop etc..
 Difficult personality traits: Needs attention, talks a lot, narcissist, big ego - so what to do.
 Talk a little less.. think before I speak.. remind myself, tho I may be good at my jobs in some ways - proactive troubleshooting, getting things done, networking - I'm a working class, lower middle class slob like the rest, just trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, showing of in any way, even tone of voice, is obnoxious and annoying... some actions/skills that were high-value when job was up/coming scrapping are not productive now we are global.. remember that.. I have a rep and history, but I need to be flexible & change with current circumstance..
 e.g., making my own training materials/putting my own needs (teaching/training) into training sometimes worked when we were mid-tier and local/regional-focused, but being global we need global standards...
 Training used to make me special, highlighted, high-value - now it is simply part of my job, like making slides; I am not a *star* for doing it as well as I can, following rules...
 I see Renee B from Davis working big-time art projects for SF MOMA, I see Tim Kennedy from HS having a successful career as mid-west art teacher/painter... I have some envy because of prestige, because of preconceived ideas of what a successful respected artist looks like: R is an administrator, T a teacher... We all have jobs around fine art (sort of)/teaching (probably)... because fine art does not generally pay.. not well anyway.. not enough for roof and food...
 I'm no better or worse... and how many struggle in obscurity (Scott).. and take what they get...
 Waking up to these sad thought.. because the truth is sad... maybe? Sure.. if is short.. inevitability of death makes it..
 But also one must look at oneself with honest eyes.. sometimes.. not every day.. we'd kill ourselves.. don't mistake illusions we use to get through the night for reality..
 How narrow my perspective... a few friends and schoolmates almost 100% from one country... my ego/narcissism/self-referential focus can be embarrassing, esp if I focus on it too much -
 If it was a big deal I wouldn't have been at job for 20 years...  obviously, in some ways, it works.. but as we get more-team-oriented, my big personality will be a better fit - at least within the team - if I focus on team success more than my own. I needn't work too hard at it.. knowing that we are now team-oriented, rather than me getting things done despite useless dept head.. that new dept head is a doer.. mostly it will take care of itself... my need for attention helps me get in front of of a group and talk/explain... or does it.. am I just satisfying my own needs? Do I need to? Have I not scratched that itch? It's not a desire now - it's a happening thing.. I wanted it, I got it.. desire to have it fueled my attention to getting it right.. now we've upped it to another level and I need their support to get to that level - exciting! Cool.
 I am no longer lost drunk drugged failed marriage unemployed desperate semi-suicidal young man taking changes with other people's lives - that was a different unhappy young man...let him go...
 I like my life.
 10:30 - no plans today - terrifying... getting errands done yesterday was great.. 4-day bday weekend was great..
 Facebook experience beginning to feel depressing and abusive.. still serves a purpose... but pull back..
+++++
 Sat Mar 23.18 II 7:00PM laundromat
 Nomad till ~noon buttered bagel/eggs/2 espressos, cinnamon bite-size pastries -, IM w/K&Xo in London: Mom-Dottir time > to Farm Mkt, 3 tomato plants/beef/eggs.. Himalayan lunch: rice/greens/chicken/lentils..
 NorBerk Peets espresso - yum@ -, mentally phased from lack of sleep (and busy work, let's not forget), but decided to push on through, lower stream/hillside trail, too muddy, ~1mile out/back - beautiful bright sun greenery, cool air, hiking stick, muddy shoes - sat by stream - knee hurt getting up/down - yep, right knee's a problem - hypnosis? Salve? Stand at side of muddy fire trail, brain dead, drop it all, let it go, enjoying this moment - breath, stride, tree - is all that matters. Decide to get hand-carved walking stick & new bike.
 Stop @Missing Link (repair place moved into west side of street), ask about trade-in Stump Jumper - they show me some bikes - I figure altogether <$500 is good (locks, peripherals), home - ask Buff if he wants it - no - , sit on it for a moment, fall in love again, but too 'short'? - drive it ML, discuss, they say to a collector maybe worth $300, so they'd give maybe 1/2 that in trade - I ask how much to get it in great working order: new tubes/tires, handlebars, general loving - ~$300 - one worker kept walking by looking at it with intense eyes - I say fine - put more money in meter, phone search food, wind up in Small Shattuck Ramen joint: chicken ramen, gyoza, yummy overpriced sake.. not enough nourishment really, but enough to keep me moving.. Karen 80s surf mix tape in car.. Telegraph hiking store for hand-carved wooden hiking stick.. nope - I might have broken one of their $20 metal ones pulling it apart trying to expand it :-O.. Moe's - top floor got $50 fat book about Love & Rockets with interviews etc (!!), & Coelho's The Alchemist.
 Stop at bowl for hemp milk, fruit, pudding; one of my simple life pleasures: ingredients for breakfast smoothies... home briefly, put groceries away, to laundry.. cool.. tomorrow empty trash bins. And.. free!
 So today:
 Farm Mkt
 Tilden stroll
 Bike to shop
 Yummy Ramen lunch
 Moe's: 2 books
 Groceries
 Laundry
 And an effort, to own my dislike - like everyone else's - of having a boss, and remove  any notion of making it personal between new boss & I. Grow up. Own it, and live my life.
+++++
 Sat Mar 23.18 nm drowsy
 Sleep still shaky - general wk changes - mainly all good, just lots, breaking old habits, routine disrupted, pre-training anxiety, more negative feedback than positive - feels that way anyway - but better - first team training Thu am went well, new dept head webex'd, morning guy sat in/filmed a few minutes, lots of questions - ran a little short of time - work on that, less blabbing/talking/amusing, more info -
 Fri got desk file organizer, that helps - I don't know everything, but know what I need to know. CORE theme job came in - I talked it over w/R, handed it to new fast-learner guy - I don't have time; new dept head wants training etc activities spread around - cool. Yes - I am Mr. Yes now.
 Gun march today - rain (maybe) & sun - thinking Farmer Market, cash from bank, groceries - and even tho I'm weary from unsettled sleep, a Tilden stroll..?
 Watched some of my youtube TWR vids last night -
 Thought after work Fri, as I settled immediately into rocking chair with my face in screen, how on my death bed I'd regret not doing more new stuff - watch new movies, plays, books rather than same over and over - stay off laptop at night - do anything but internet! Meditate. Cook. Talked to Sooz Thu pm she doing pretty okay, but seems depressed, esp about growing old, incoming mortality -
 - WIN is to enjoy life fully now, not hide from it face down in facebook, sex pictures, sex thoughts - default escape when sleepless is N's warm moist pussy which I can never have, was teased into my system (I own that), which I don't even really want - kills thoughts distract myself with bitterness and unrequited desire - if I don't want her, then I don't want her sex - so it's just a way to distract myself with dead-end sexual constipation. So let it go. Be her friend. Let sex throughs go. If I can - hah!
 WIN is to enjoy life fully now
 
Fuck the past. Fuck the future. Live simply and poor rather than work and stressed? At least - don't make money prime directive for work/living -
 - I should be able to love my work. One part is to go along, be a sport, say yes, be a good team member. I'm working on it. It is up to me. Changes must be internal, not me asking others to change. People above me are circumscribed by demands of their superiors - they are doing best they can their own way. I got used to doing things my way, problem-solving, proactive high-value action when dead-end hostile dept head was lame lazy and useless. New day dawning - GFX treated as high-value now - embrace it, and adjust without delay so far as I can. If anyone asks, take ownership, explain adjusting internal default survival mechanisms take time, and I'm doing the best I can. Other offices - HR, offices services etc, in corners, dungeons - GFX mixed with TSG, Global Office head, MAs, other top Global folks - so that feels good - a healthy good mix - not stashed away in a cramped corner, different floor, different bldg as in past. Shake it off. Let go. The past is gone. Cool to been here to see experience it - more respect & more responsibilities. Fair trade. Do the best I can. Cool. And come one - the new bldg is amazing.
 Paycheck puts savings after rent cc's paid @ 85/75 - and at some point I can do work & SS - but - if I want till 70 I get more for longer - parents lived till 80s/90s.. so do I want to risk 65 + 1 day, and gamble getting less for longer... is trying to sell my photos/montage online on my bucket list?
 And get arm x-rayed and skin looked at, bumps on face frozen.
 Life is to be enjoyed fully now.

+++++
 Wed Mar 21.18 nm 5:23pm
 That was a much-needed vacation.. 1st 3 days mainly recuperating.. folks may say "We don't wanna hear it, we're tired, too" - so don't whine, but also feel my own pain & exhaustion, protect myself - be subtle, don't verbalize it, play victim, <snip>
 Rested, feels so different! Tue pm bed ~9pm, took 1 sleeping pill, up ~3am(?), snooze/sleep till 6:30 - early for conf call - then dept head call - first 'real' training tomorrow, friendly folks.. Morning guy will film some, sit in, D will webex.. - wait, video and audio or just audio - huh - and we will be doing some. whatever - feedback is good - then I'll be good enough to be left alone.
 More studying today, sending invites to booked room, etc.
 Thoughts more clear, but big changes at work make them a bit jumbled... sokay.. get it down, learn, it's all a win for me.
 Wrote IM to N that I have neglected to tell her she is beautiful.
 After years of thinking about it, just asked French Frida w/kittens painter if she is interested in my old hippie selfies. Pretty innocent being ~ 40yrs old.
 11 Minutes book entertaining, good (romantic) perspectives on sex & love.
 I have never been in a global network of GFX folks before - as of today we are taking jobs from anyone in the world. Yikes! Well - it is what it is - almost like whole new job after years of independence/looseness, loose boss-less days lasted long enough to get many videos, post-Scott death GT pics, many scans/movies for Gil to enjoy in his last years... it worked out.
 Tighter ship, global company, I'm still well-situated, giving photos video to 2 new folks - facepages still mine, slowly but surely train everyone else up on everything, so if/when I leave they are in good shape.
 6mins to closing.. said 'hi, 'nite' to K - maybe donate fb/GT photo to Kristine and the girls.
 How to get JFK's head to Wynn. hahaha
 I think everyone else is way more stressed, sleepless, exhausted than I... so be happy and grateful.
 And buy a printer. And join Etsy.
+++++
 Tue Mar 20.18 Bragg hotel 9:04am
 Spotty sleep - again! - can't remember last time I slept all through night, but it'll return - I just need to see how easy it really is - <snip>
  - obviously I have been unhappy - & esp after Gil saying he stayed at his job too long, me getting close to retirement age, then Mom died... difficult year.
 But it's a new day dawning... leave past year behind, get onboard, ride this train as a global team. Presume trust - assume they are trying to help.
 Last night, after Mendo - sitting in hotel refreshed me a bit, Mendo college overlook for sunset, Japanese place for salmon teriyaki, large hot sake - nice - also, instead of 'fancy' Aztec fusion place, this place had a funky crowded neighborhood feeling about it - salmon was a bit charred, I liked it. Closer to real people.
 Reading snatches of '11 Minutes' here and there. Sleep ~10? Up ~8 - but not solid sleep. Still, I feel I've mostly caught up after a week of sleeplessness. It has been helpful.
 Lots of fb bday wishes, can't respond (after 30-day suspension) till noon - nice to see tho.
 Sposed to rain this afternoon - head straight home? - I want to get home/bed early for best sleep - also want to see Eric.. hmm...
 <snip>
 Yeah? Yeah!
 Phew - not just relaxation/refreshing this 4-days in Brag - good opp to think all this shit, this last year, through. Gil died just over a year ago, Mom just 4 months ago. Give it time. Mom dying alone - well not dying - but must've had stroke Thurs pm, not found till Sun - pain of that came clear to me this visit. That's not the way we'd have liked it damn it. There's a hard life lesson for us.
 This visit - hippie fantasies gone - that's me changed - getting used to this.
 Not about fantasies & hope to get me though night - it's about survival.
 So keep this job. And enjoy all good things I have - I am enjoying a great life.
 Smoothie/thermos coffee - 9:39, shower, pack out by 11.. then what?
+++++
 Mon Mar 19.18 Bragg hotel 6:45pm
 ~10:15 drive north ~7miles to explore 10 Mile beach - stop at wayside - had taken 2 viagra ~9:30 to experiment - got stiff for extended periods (10-15mins?) on-and-off, had to pay attention to not being too obvious, esp in these baggy pants - been a long time since that was an issue - no headache/eye coloring, but a bit of upset stomach, similar to heartburn? Tightness in sternum area - but could just be hungry -
 Walk south, surf walk, nice sunny day - sad tho - lots of sadness, getting old, knee hurts, trouble sleeping, Mom dead etc - Buff gets bummed on his bday - maybe this is it, too  as well as, yeah birthday = from Mom - and she'd dead, and so will I be.
 So that was fun, took pics, sent out - back south to hotel, really tired, wank, sleep pretty decent for an hour or two - noon-2pm - stop in Bragg: espresso from headlands, slow walk through tattoo museum, hippie junk store, gallery closed, I couldn't see Sarah Logan's (?) ceramics?
 South to lighthouse just north of Mendo turnoff - lovely short walk to bluffs with erection, explore north, sit/meditate - some pretty good throughs about work: leaving past behind, being less of an asshole, accepting this is a whole new situation, bitterness about past is no value <snip>
 Hang in lighthouse bldg, chat with counter lady, watch whales - quite a few - some relatively close - walk through bldgs/exhibits. ~5 Mendo - coffee for tomorrow morning, sandwich, Odwalla, chocolate bar.. cruise headlands but tired, knee hurts, want to get home/hotel...
 Easy drive, check to see if viagra working - yep - couple pics..
 Now maybe quick nap-- or sunset in 20mins, then Japanese place in town for Salmon teriyaki.
 Aside from sad mood - which may be a sign of this opportunity to grow up, be an adult, take responsibility for myself, being easier to be around, tamp down the big personality - setting aside illusions, that maybe somehow things will work out well - fantasies die.. it hurts.. but accept it..
 - aside from that normal life occurrence (rite of passage - I'll survive and thrive) - nice day where I did what I wanted at my own pace.
+++++
 Mon Mar 19.18 9am Bragg hotel
 Birthday morning - tried to stay in bed till 9, made 8 - restless sleep, but better - I think more mentally tired than physically? Maybe both.. yeah - months of uncertainty at work.
 Birthday smoothie & thermos of warm Mendo coffee. Lots of fb bd wishes, but can't respond till Tues noon - cocksucking fb bastards. haha., They did me a favor.
 Just worn out.. lucky to have these days to locate/feel my stress, what it's taken out of me (and all of us), monitor myself - grieving for Mom, too - missing Gil - thinking about my boundaries - but my boundaries may need to shift a bit when I'm in a team, at work - <snip>
 Anyway... yes.. Happy birthday Bob - 64, holy fuck...
 Now: Shower, drive north to that beach? Maybe later whale watch.. tough day haha
 Shake off the work tension, let of of old battles (Taf/Jeff - pretend they never existed) - it's a new day dawning in a beautiful new office, with new boss - it will take effort from us all to make it run smoothly. So go along if I want to get along. Yes. Seriously.
 I'm stressing about work - but everything else is good (except for deaths of friend/Mom) - but that's life.
 I can let go of work stress, if I let go of petty office politics etc. Make more of an effort to be easy to work with. It will pay off in long run. New work situation can work well for me if I let it.
 Let new work situation work well for me. Let new boss be new boss.
+++++
 Sun Mar 18.18 hotel 8:35pm
 Just back from fusion dinner
 Slept poorly - up ~1am? WTF - more nap then sleep - stayed in bed till 8'ish but too restless - hotel 'breakfast', smoothie, pbj - sit immobile till ~11:30 - mendo tide was high but calm - whale watched, chatted w/other ww's, lots of puffs, some backs, flukes, one half-seen breach, apparently there's been a lot of such activity this week -
 Drive to south lot, take low red folding chair down to flat "lawn', sit w/binoculars/dried figs 30(?) mins - nice - but feeling awfully sad; don't know if it's about Mom (and Gil) and generally feeling that loss/aloneness - maybe added birthday sadness - 64 - right knee feeling weak, some pain - esp bending going down steps.. overcast/some sun - nice tho - not blustery -
 Store for soup & gallon H20 - eat by bottom Main St. white fence corner parking - feeling painfully sleepless, but want to be out in day - left phone (constant companion) in car, strolled parameter of south headlands, threw rocks into churning foam (fun!!), up coast parallel to Main, discreet pee in bushes, back down Main stop in ~3 galleries - some nice stuff, nothing to own -
 Sit in coffee place with espresso, muffin, read more of 11 Minutes - good vacation reading - medium coffee in thermos for breakfast - should be back in Facebook ~noon birthday Mon - barely care - assholes -
 Back to hotel ~5:30 for nap - internet etc - sleep on-and-off deep dreaming feeling sick to stomach - fatigue? Or viagra I took this morning before going out? Forgot to mention - took one after long morning shower, to observe effect during day - I did not notice tension I'd felt two other times - so maybe that was psychological? - noticed once or twice, from tight pants sitting in car/walking (was I thinking about sex?) that stiffness was more pronounced, lasted a little longer - but no - I think touch/thoughts have to be involved. ~6pm, ~7hrs after dose, before nap checked by stroking - yep - strong O thinking about *. Reading '11 Minutes' has me contemplating love, and *, how we got so love sick - weekend we took a 'break': miserable, sleepless, constipated, no appetite, obsessed, etc... crazy.. how it is real - therefore sacred, why I feel I'm 'cheating' if I invest too much in anyone else - because it is the most 'real' love in my life - maybe ever? Accepting anything less is unthinkable. Maybe overstatement - but let it rest.
 Anyway.. after nap, all overcast so did not miss 7:25pm sunset, Aztec fusion place for 1 margarita/enchiladas/spicy choc ice cream - stomach feels better - lots of meat & eggs last night..
 As always (?) if I am feeling sad (I mildly wept a few times today (shower, shouted in car) w/out knowing why - (Mom I assume), stressed, mildly miserable, a little crazy (men go crazy thinking about life after losing their mother - should I talk to a therapist?) - but at least I am in a beautiful place :-) - and have much to be grateful for.
 The one most consistent thing in my whole life was Mom - that source of care and love, which I worked hard to let in and give back honestly - which she appreciated. She said it was so important to her, and tuning point  when I said it was "important to me, too." She probably cried. I'm sorry the night she had her strokes, she suffered alone, maybe scared and in pain. But maybe not. So there's some comfort. Also real politic - it can happen to anyone; life and death are cruel. Mom said "Death is mean" - but her children were not - in the end we were with her.
 9pm - maybe whale watch at lighthouse of some other points tomorrow - drive north sounds like fun, but eh! I am free, it is my birthday - do whatever I like.
 Successful life? yes. Don't blow it. Buckle down. Do my job. Don't be a pain in the ass. <snip>
 Cool. Nice. How's my life - I lack for nothing and love cottage/yard/skylight/car/friends/Karen & Xo etc.
 Let myself smoke pot - fuck the reason - pop culture is fun - pop music, pot etc -enjoy it.
+++++
 Sat Mar 17.18 Cloverdale Starbucks 10:15am
 Don't gonna wanna say too much about work but it was lots - still processing it all...
 <snip>
 .. yeah - of course I feel 'special' - win! - proved myself - can't help that, human, esp when many top people tell me I am special - but never never let it show or say it outloud...
 One-on-one talk w/new D boss went kind of badly, <snip>
 So gonna process all that on 4-day Bragg weekend - bit of stress last night, and this morning - my stress manifests as knee pain - real obvious. Comes and goes. Weird.
 Lots of processing already done - up ~6:30 - take it mellow - no sleeping pills - pack clothes, food, electronics - less clothing than usual - other than what I'm wearing: 1 jackets, 1 pair socks, 1 underwear, 1 t-shirt, 1 Mexican shirt, Mexican sandals (no Birkenstocks) - etc..
 <snip> -
 Chat w/*, share smut, laugh about this n' that Nina Simone - someday maybe hear about orgies - maybe not..
 Beautiful misty trees on way up, vacation started yesterday - mind worn out - I'm inclined toward offering to do more training (helping R out who'll be doing LA) because I enjoy it - but have to watch and know my limitation - 2 trainings a day is gonna burn me out - learn tactics - breath, meditate, relax, lean more on 'tactics', less on giving of myself - do job well - leave me more out of it (?) - learn to 'act'.. I'm going to have to anyway..
 K - Almost 11am - room 115 booked in Bragg - sposed to be somewhat cloudy - rain Tues - maybe meet w/Eric for meal on way home - meantime - enjoy my vacation time off on the coast - yay.
 64, with help from friends made a life that fits me well, 80-something in bank, Sooz' really great fun car luxury which I'm growing used to, text stuff in place - wifi in cottage and such (despite Verizon rip-off bullshit) - collection of art brings enjoyment into my daily life - quilt, wall hangings, Frida kitten painting, two women holding basket of fruit lamp, etc., good job that suits and teaches me - provides human contact. A few good friends. Five siblings. Good memories of youth in South Hills of Charleston. Couple of flirty online friendships. A woman I love.
 So much goodness. Life is sweet.
 -----
 4:37 Moody's Mendo
 Stunning lovely day, brightly deep blue skies, sometimes large fluffy clouds - sunny, a bit cold but wind manageable - sandwich at apple place, kitties napping at Navarro Store - walk in redwoods - forest pools, 128 is amazingly beautiful with sun shining through and early Spring flowers; Mendo stop for pretzels/'hippie' energy drink ('natural' caffeine). South headlands, whale watch, chat with strangers (2 women, 1 from Mississippi came to see whale - as they're leaving I see one, call them back - yay - good deed). Mideast salad in car, yum. Binoculars cool. Energy not bad, but sleepy now - two 8ths of legal weed from dispensary - fun chatting with dispensary women (legality, Oregon, what a card gets you, edibles, pain relief, thanked them for surviving prohibition, they smiled)  - - espresso - and tried the trick of telling laptop to 'forget' Moody's, it works now after many visits not.
 Beautiful day visually.. no Mom.. try to not express my anger/frustration at work. Be nice.
 Training has made me a 'star' in SF.. telling me now I'm no big deal because we all a team is.. multifaceted - globally speaking, I don't get special attention - however, if I do well, I will be much-appreciated/well-employed in SF. Good enough. That works well, thank you. Now fuck off haha.
 ---
 9:03 hotel
 Didn't get rm 115, so they replaced w 2-room suite rooms, (one large) & large'ish bathroom same price.. nice
 Drove towards ocean, turned onto narrow Main St. road, stopped to photograph nice fence shadows on road, strolled out onto headlands, drive north headlands, windy, too bright, getting weary - Bragg to hotel - check in - south to Redwoods College viewpoint for 7:25 sunset... one hit of new indica - nice, but makes me very forgetful! ~5mins (?) after sunset - thought I clearly saw a whale breach - then thought I must be imagining things - then it breached twice more almost in succession, and again a minute later - 2 teens to my left and a couple to my right - we were all blown away, amazed, thrilled, having the cool experience of sharing it with each other  "Did you see that!?" Almost in shock to have been blessed/lukcy to see something like that out of the blue - distant, but distinct, almost straight up vertical, then seemed to hover there for a second slid down? Didn't see a splash.. but far away...
 .. back to hotel - hungry - but already 8.. so quicker walk to Denny's, steak, eggs, choc shake.. read a bit of '11 Minutes'.. yum! Very yummy snack meal... lots of salt - a few swallows of shake for dessert.. finish unpack at hotel.. supposed to thunderstorm tonight? I just wanna do whatever I want - this is great - love special room, friendly service at Denny's, whale watching peeps early this afternoon, group I shared 4 breaches with - that was pretty damn cool. A group experience was less egocentric - slightly bonding. No plans unless I want to have them.
+++++
 Wed Mar 14.18 nm
 Mon-Tues hours of studying CORE new slide format at work - get it into my bones - get my confidence to point where I feel I can begin to answer all questions, lead update modules - tired from sleep lack, mind overflowing - babbling - but got it done; met w/R day guy for an hour, ran through module, explained how they want us to train - used clicker etc. Worked.
 Everything is good - contacts w/several teams who want to update, Global Tracey called, got info from her about timing when we will get handouts info etc. Mon-Tue off should be no prob. Sitting in cafeteria for hours is cool - great study place, instead of feeling isolated, mind wandering, mind can occasionally take break be distracted then slip back into study. All good, Fucking cool. Yes. Too tired to talk tho - emailed Sooz and said let's talk Thur.
 Tue pm groceries - berries etc - brain dead - some of last of Gil's weed, pudding and fave Maltese Falcon scenes - restless - sleeping pill p;30 - sleep ~10:45 -wake ~5:30 - heavy snooze - up 6:30?
 Okay - show on road - this can be done - talked to Meredith R Staffing at work about new teams being trained/switched to CORE - MA Monica is contact I know so that's cool - also talked to teams who use MACs or do mostly analysis, plan to get them onboard - let them know I am focused on them/their specified needs.
 And boy am I ready to argue today - as I did with Taf & Jeff - but.. don't escalate, leave my pride out of it - so long as she is professional, I need to be professional.
+++++
 Tue Mar 13.18 nm
 Still feeling reasonably good - still waking up ~4am, snoozing comfortably - took sleeping pill last night ~9:30, sleep ~10:30 - so pill seemed to do no good last night - gentle steady morning rain nice additional - oh, and JAA's bottom cheeks below merged with pussy, Beth C's - almost nightly (early morning) N's warm moist furry mons..
 "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
 I like that - try Etsy etc, it gets my work out there - try trip to Vermont border, Wildwood boardwalk, Lost River State Park.. maybe even Tar Hollow (OPIK) again? Or maybe OPIK's already been done -
 - leaping squealing laughing happy group of kids jumping towards me out of woods, by concrete path from lake to lodge - it was sound, not a visual, but a sound of youth conjuring the good feeling finally of a group of people happy to see me when I arrived at camp... Summer of 71-74. But yes, I don't think a bout LRY anymore. Too long ago. I was a child.
 I saw the religious culture and individuals around me were insane.
 Now I'm here, and Mom and Dad are dead.
 Spent all Mon studying ppt upgrade, again today - I'm good enough now to do it pretty well, but won't be able to answer all questions.
 Make that bullet/bucket list and pursue... I have one month to live - drive around east coast.. New England, Vermont, Wildwood, Lost River.. yes - important to visit childhood places. Offer Sarah W $$ for pics.
 Exercise somehow - walk daily. Doc - skin and arm check.
 Do it. Make time. Take Paid Days off - that's only way it will happen. Buy a car I can sleep in. Give Sooz back Camry. Now's the time.
+++++
 Mon Mar 12.18 nm
 Now finally after months, this week start real team training/contacts/info collection/conf room snagging/invite sending/feedback requesting - etc. - why did dept head wait till after hours Fri to call with info, <snip>
 Two days to prepare is plenty. At my worst I'm pretty good. Put my personal vulnerabilities aside, focus on getting them information they need. They can tell my focus is on them - my SF office team - .
 After laundry Sun pm, nice sunset - so hungry! - soul food - cross street to Subway sandwich - 6" turkey, chips, Fanta orange, choc chip cookies - hit the spot!
 Sleeping pill & cannabis ~9, sleep ~10, up ~6am, solid sleep - pill really works! Pretty good mentally this morning, not groggy - main mental discomfort is about upcoming training/new depot head - not results of sleeping pill etc.
 Shower, smoothie, Nomad - laundry done, bed freshly made w/clean bedclothes, paperwork mainly organized - signed last GT fb doc - check sent through mail. One-time payment for permission to use - not own, not create - my copyrighted photo - is that taxable? Doubtful. It's just a number, but to have $100K next year at retirement age would be - interesting - a goal.
 If I die tomorrow - with luck it mostly goes to K&Xo. Most important for my peace of mind.
 No major stresses - mostly all good stuff - not being divorced - health good - no painful relationships - not getting along with a family member, or ex-wife is not a sign of anything wrong with me, or with them - it's natural. Stress about training, new job tasks, new dept head - is natural, not a sign anything is wrong with me.
 Nothing wrong with me. I'm doing great.
 Bla bla - will be glad when week is done - new day downing - not really - then 4 days off on coast for 64th bday...
 We all want to have a youthful perspective when we felt invulnerable, had a lifetime ahead of us lots to learn etc - accept gifts of age gracefully. Uh-huh. Others say, never grow up! Feh - do what works, feels best to me.
+++++
 Sun Mar 11.18 II laundry 5:42pm
 Feeling unhappy - but okay.. stress of training.. mideast salad lunch = felt better! Food!.. : Spiral Garden on Sacramento - used voice control - enjoy using it - love that it exists!! Too early for tomatoes/cucumbers, got: catnip, raspberry, strawberries - sent photo of copulating butterflies to Nuria/Karen - she sent UK Mother's Day paintings she & Xo did of each other - Xo is good! Fun! Hooray for social media..
 .. then Mechanics Bank to deposit last check from Mom )& tax return) - felt sad, naturally - end of it, I thought $$ from home was done - but once again "last payment" final ending no more.. another reminder that that's well over... I would usually have called Mom today with various news items and love, and love in return.., sad...
 Gui's Dad died suddenly a week ago - I did not mention my similar situation with Mom's sudden unexpected death (missed spouse, no parents) - it's his pain.. it barely matters if I know "how he feels".. I don't, except in broad terms.. acknowledge his feelings, don't bring in mine so soon... maybe later..
 .. GT thing again..  we are.. extended rock family... like what I read about.. it's down to us.. I knew Donnette & Scott in Davis/Sac.. saw it all happen.. interesting position to be in.. as she said about Red Baron video.. only one who was there from beginning.. dark clubs, gossip, who's watch was left on bedside dresser... what ex pretended ot be cool about it.. etc etc etc..
 Downtown, comic book store, book store, gelato, park on campus to eat ice cream, drive around campus.. find 2 combs in glove box.. bring one home... haha..
 Processing feelings around training.. aside from years of independence.. from global & within dept.. also - training is personal to me.. it was my deepest darkest regret DUI night in jail holding cell: I had potential to be a teacher, but would never have chance.. then this arrived.. thank you AA, thank you Karen, thank you economic explosion... I am deeply emotionally invested... and grateful...
 .. in Berkeley book store I thought: I want to train, my emotional need for it can exist independently - now I have opportunity to be better trainer/speaker - these are skills that can be taught and learned - so I can learn them.. like anything, I will be imperfect at first, then get better - no one expects me to be perfect at first few times.. hone those skills..
<snip>
 Bowl on way home: eggs, salad, clam chowder (potato soup), raspberries...
 A day to myself with plenty of time to do errands (garden store, bank, food), and recreation (ice cream, book stores, IM/photos with friends).
 This is good. This is excellent. Because I am anxious does not mean anything is wrong.
 Sat Sonoma drive small towns shops good dinner with good old friend Eric - we are growing old together - (smile).. yes.. talking about our pasts, current news, and Summer music fest plans...
 .. washing machines broken.. no spin cycle.. soaking clothes in dryer for an hour, at least.. feeling better tho...
+++++
 Sun Mar 11.18 nm
 Whaa.. daylight savings.. also again, no sleeping pill and up ~4am.. mild anxiety/excitement about upcoming training I suppose.. pressure.. it'll be fine.. stressful, uncomfortable - but fine... it is understood by all involved that it's a big tasks for us all - a lot is being asked for, and virtually nothing given back - compensation-wise.. oh, well....
 Sat: Gville, walk across bridge - visit/walk around/photos cemetery n top of hill - nice/foggy all day - not cold nor windy, pleasant and beautiful misty -
 Attempt unsuccessfully to deposit Tax/Mom checks; gas up - south from Monte Rio on Bohemian, pleasant - mind empty - enjoying nature/green backroad hills valleys - Occidental/energy drink/apple/art shop - Bodega, visit every shop, $6 spinach smoothie - normally avoid human contact; weird social 'confidence' feels unnatural - escapism from job changes? Hyper  - something - . North, stop 1st southerly Sonoma overlook - dense fog, eat 1/2 sandwich - pee by car just as car pulls up - down steps, roll up hiking pants/wearing Mexican shoes, hang ~20-30mins, walk in water - slightly detached with moments of being clear/present -
 ~2:45 River Rd to SR, good to see Eric, comic book store, Rand Holmes (Harold Hedd) 'must-buy', 1 other comic for me - a few for E - Osaka, waiter brings is cedar sake without being asked (!) - haha - not much sushi, side dishes, Kobe beef dinner, hot chocolate dinner.. ~$200 - tell him about GT pic for fb, upcoming training biz, reading whole bible.. told me about truck, first vehicle, w/$30K inheritance, had to learn how to fix it, replacement 'pet' - discuss necessity of having expensive seats to music fests - I'd not considered they are the only 'claimed'/secure seats where we can leave our stuff - plus provide freedom of movement..
 Watch him play action video game, good flaming arrows/dragons/imagery etc... lv ~8, ez drive..  pot, tired, bit zombified - feeling better maybe now.. experiment, no sleeping pill - hmm - tonight try one again - maybe 1/2?
 I could have rested Sat, then coast/SR today - chose opposite, to have a fine restful Sun w/minimal responsibilities: Deposit checks, laundry.. yard work? Tomato/ cucumber plants! Good - taking care of myself.. my life.. I do have one..
 Sent myself this from gville cemetery:
"Avoid pettiness
 to have this life at all is amazing
 live like you mean it
 love till you feel it
 a life you do not live is still lost'
 In memory of Joseph C Powell 1988- 2007

 Heading home now.. noon.. Juliette Binoche is so cute!! :-O

+++++
 Sat Mar 10.18 9:48am coffee shop gville
 Breakfast sandwich with sausage - nasty! mmm - and no internet as usual damn it..
 Foggy, lovely, quiet, inward, just what I need..  let mind flow.. work out how Sooz/K opinion of GT letting fb use photo is okay, long as they don't lay it on me - S insulting me (and by proxy all of us) as 'sell-outs' was uncalled for, but that's her; K not understanding is understandable, since she is outsider (as she did not understand fury @K). SO nothing to see here, and no need to respond to them not understanding. As for the 'sell-out; insult, I believe I told her she could 'fuck off', simply meaning 'I don't care', so we're square.
 Preparing for new Dept head's sort of challenging/aggressive style <snip>
 Celebrate this. It started with people telling me I'm good at explaining - an innate skill from arguing with church and Dad(?). I hoped for an opportunity to utilize and enjoy that skill, it arrived, I rode it, now I'm here.
 Enjoy what I have. Celebrate, Leave aside useless bitterness about past. Save that for my out-of-work life. At work - enjoy enjoy enjoy.
+++++
 Sat Mar 10.18 nm
 Sleep ~10? Sleeping pill worked (?) slept deep soundly till ~6.. snooze.. groggy.. considered trips... very mild headache (pudding)... Sonoma today, Sun?
 Then I'm up, shower - yes that worked.. smoothie.. coast today, bank, laundry etc Sun... Bragg overnight? Could! but 4-daya next week, so..
 Salad, plate, silverware, sandwich, dried figs, laptop, 2 jackets, new Mexican shirt, water jug, text Eric, tennies.. yes.. drive..
 Groggy, but nothing else going on.. staying around here doesn't sound great.. bored.. so, yes, drive.. explore.. ocean.. good elimination at home.. good morning stiffness, wank,  stayed stiff after.. some return of confidence..(?)
 7:48.. pee.. espresso.. head north.. nice.. not obsessing on next week's training.. it's there, but I'll have 2 full days to practice, prepare, make bullets/notes.. learning hurts, I'll be pushed out of my comfort zone.. watched.. critiqued.. all good, yes - cool! Great opportunity! Doing my best is all that is required. Excited. Be on point, honest - just do the job. Centered. Remember - I have desire, motivation, over 14yrs experience.
 All loose ends tied.. bills paid, cards paid, fed tax return/M&D's $$ banked today.
 Karen & Sooz object to me letting fb use GT pub shot - GT members and widow are fine with it. They think we are morally corrupt sellouts? Or disrespectful? It's okay - they don't understand - they have no idea how Gui, Donnette, Shelley & I feel.. * has no idea what I feel when she uses S as an example of emotionally distant man who hurt his wife. Naturally, in her position she sympathizes with the wife. Naturally in mine I don't want to hear Scott slandered. Radioactive truck 90mph into a wall conversation killer. We don't understand each other; and we don't need to! We are coming at it from wildly different perspectives - Scott was a friend and collaborator of 30 years; and despite everything, Donnette, Gui, Shelley (& I) will always be Game Theory. If we're cool with it, nothing anyone else says or thinks means a thing. Let go. really, drop it.
 8am - drive..
+++++
 Fri Mar 9 18 hm 5:40pm
 Most of day studying CORE stuff at work - slow going, there's lots.
 Fb video IM'd to Sooz last night, she seemed better - less depressed than last week - odd, both she & Sooz are uncomfortable with Donnette, Shelley, Gui, K, Stacey & I all being okay with my publicity shot being used in fb video - Sooz called me a sell-out. Weird. I don't understand - but since GT, widows and I all think it's cool fun - we win. They just jealous :-D
 Funny thing about $$ - payday today - well, in order... there'll be $2K for pic, but that'll likely be months from now, so starting last night:
 Last check from Mom's estate, bank accounts/such arrived by mail from Anne: $12,420 - wow! - , today's payday ~$1.8K, just got Fed tax check ~$900..  let's see..
 ~$15K.. nice.. kicked my savings up to ~85 (75 after annual predictable outlay). So Fri is money day.
 I am not thinking of tithing - having lost Mom (and Dad 4+ years ago).. feeling need for nest egg. We will align investing as situations arise.
 Last 2-3 nights waking ~4 then heavy snoozing... not good.. weary.. gonna try pills Doc gave me - very mild - sposed to help with sleep.. maybe see Eric Sat and do Sonoma Sun? Or.. Sonoma Sat/Eric Osake on way home.
 Been a little quiet w/N - but feels natural - she busy, and maybe intimate V shares.. maybe necessary break after that - see what's going on. It made it all very real, and outside our fantasies.
 Tonight, groceries... considered laundry... hmmm... just weary.. spend couple hours(?) in the new cafeteria looking over CORE stuff.. oh, new dept head flying out from CHI 
 <snip>
 Guy who said he'd come get roof rack twice or 3x and didn't wrote again.. I'm not responding.. something wrong with this picture...
 Called Verizon, paid for phone - there were some extra charges I was not aware of.. but it come to an extra $10/mo for tablet.. so whatever...
 I prob don't need all this stuff - I know I don't! - but - good to keep up w/technology - that's the plan...
 Saw article about Allen Ginsberg's little cottage behind house on Milvia, where he wrote Howl.. looks like mine.. reminded me how cool this cottage is how much I love it & enjoy it - perfect...
 $10 falafel lunch/dinner again.. get a little gassy from it - but not stinky? Not like meat farts.
 ~1/2 way through Hitchens' God Is Not Great.
 ... k... groceries... better weed?...  I think I'm actually looking forward to training - I enjoy it, excited about being a better trainer.. first times w/new material naturally will be how first times are - learning - getting timing/words down... so all good.. plus R, who is sposed to help/do LA, is totally lost.. it'll work...
 I thought - did mom tell me - she had about $150K so I figured we'd get about 30 ea... did she say that? But I figured medical stuff would eat it all up..  she wanted, like Marge, to spend money on us while she was alive to enjoy doing that... poor Mom damnit - she wanted more.. as do we all.. as so we all... we all got to go when our time is up - no one knows when that time is... so live now and do everything you want... she did lots... but that last month - classes and all...
 I had a thought - that, I think, in some way I reminded her of Dad - she called me Richard once.. mentioned how that never happened with anyone else... I look like him, talk/argue get angry like him(?).. it's a nice thought, is all.. that her last minutes, some part of her experienced Richard reading to her from the Bible, holding her hand... she felt safe, and then she went to him...
 Thank you Mom and Dad.
 Niece Lisa was driving in town, sent pic looking up at my bldg topped of w/fog, I send back a shot looking down towards where she was. Cool.
 Lots of little cool things like this happen I barely notice, but make life cool/.
 Tom visited Shirley/went with Beth & Anne (?) to put Mom's ashes with Dad's. Maybe i will visit them someday. Maybe - if I live long enough. And - do it now - visit Wildwood NJ, and Lost River State Park - and maybe Tar Hollow again?
 ---
 So then.. groceries, reheated Vietnamese cattish chowder dinner, 3 hits of these useless pot, and one (says take 1/2 -2) of Doc's anti-depressants that he says work for sleep. Life continues interesting.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 <snip>
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 Thu Mar 8.18 nm
 Just ~1 week away from 4 day Bragg Birthday vacation.. 64.. rrhh.. yay!! I made it & and Thriving!
 New Mexican blue bag, white shirt and large white shirt-sleeved shirt arrived - that was fast! Blue bag for Bible - good size.
 Freecycle guy emailed again for roof rack - will put it out this morning.
 Donnette asked some questions about non-disclosure form GT pic asked us all to sign - he gave good answer - I thanked her for due diligence - post-Gil, this opportunity to work together on something is cool. We exist as a group. No sure, but looks like I'm more willing to reach out to Shelley than visa-versa - still about my photos? - no direct responses to my IMs & emails. Good to know. Thaw with K&D.
 Good to know. Cool. No problem I don't think.
 This weekend visit Marge and John.
 Last 2 nights restless sleep ~3-4am? Enough tho, not upset about anything in particular I can see. Normal suppressed grief?
 11 days till facebook page connect - it affects my whole life - I am aware of it at some level almost 24/7. back off and do more constructive things with my time - Etsy, drawing, singing, walking, live music, theater, etc?
 Helping the new legal guy at work find org chart of top peeps/CSS.
 Yes - live a little - be happy and joyful - life is full of awful things, we're all gonna die - can't have life without death - so enjoy every sandwich.
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 Wed Mar 7.18 nm
 Sooz bailed on Tues phone call - no prob, I'm always a little relieved, as I was on TV nights, but also always glad for it - we are both basically shy introverts who want to be left alone but not be lonely. So we're okay.
 Signed a form for GT photo - don't even know if it was mandatory - all that was mandatory was permission - Donnette's pushing back on some of doc stuff - see what happens.
 Romance (?) novel Nuria recommended arrived. No Fed tax check yet; curious about Mom's estate - how did this suddenly appear? Likely it was mentioned and I forgot, or assumed it was part of previous checks.
 Sore throat Tues am, but not today - good, because if I had another cold after 3-weeker ended 2 weeks ago, I was gonna deny Christ. I learned what an apostate is - someone who changes their mind about a religion, who understands what they are doing. Since I don't think I was ever a genuine Roman Catholic, an adult who understood and believed, or had faith in the theology/deity - I'm not anything except human.
 Because I told L I was gonna read Bible, she asked if I was gonna get religious on her, that tiny light that burns in my soul flared (as it had years ago with Iain), warning she was Satan, did not wish me well. yep. Life-long. But I know its a lie. So it's okay. reading the Bible will be interesting as I face it again and again. Fear and pain, insult, letting down my parents, fearsome ancient brutish authority hurting children.
 Knock it down, if I live long enough I may overcome my youth to larger degree.
 I've heard this, what I'm feeling - facing mid-60s with both parents dead - that I'm not wishing to be young again, for sexual power again - I want experience of "being young", as if the world, my body and self were new, to be explored excited about - possibilities. Mom said that - it is common. Normal. Yes.
 Showered last night.. what steps can I talk re 3 new things: Etsy, Bible, food.
 I bought bible and have new larger bag on way to carry it.
 Sign up for Etsy - worry about product later.
 Eating Falafel every day.. Buy: lentils, rice(?), cucumbers, sauce(?), falafel balls - wrap in tortilla (?).
 I can't print articles etc so easily as I used to, because work printer is way down hall - by on for home? Or - get kindle on phone/tablet?
 Had some crystallized ginger last night - looked it up - pure sugar - not that great, I just liked concept/words 'crystallized ginger' - sounds fantastical. Dumped remainder in trash this morning.
 two people contacted me about roof rack, put it on sidewalk, end of day, still there - flakes? Or did I not respond correctly?
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 Tue Mar 6.18 nm
 Sleep ~10:30, up ~6... alarm 6:30.. refreshed, comfortable - back in a comfortable routine, days longer.., birds singing in yard.. dishes done, trash empties, electronics working,, regular digestion, finances reasonable - throat a bit sore!?!  From eating Stilton cheese before sleep?
 3rd contact about roof rack, but he hasn't emailed back. Shelley for through to GT photo guy on 2nd try.. all good... see how this plays out...
 A few grand here and there is nice, but... $1.3K tax return, $1.5K (after tax) for GT photo, maybe $1K (?) from Mom's estate Anne just wrote about... and what does it matter.. even if it was $200K, would not assure a comfortable retirement... if I have 100K when I 'retire' still gonna be essentially fucked, poor, fixed income, etc. A regular paycheck is a nice thing. So no sense in worrying too much...
 I have this moment, today - health, this breath, a safe assumption that odds are good I'll live though this time of sun up till sundown...
 Keep Morale up - don't hang around people who are mean to me (Tom), who have chosen objects over me (Shelley), who deep down have a cockteasing heart of stone (*)... easy decision.. let them go... compare any of them to the least of my friends who care a little about my well-being.. easy decision.. I know it, in spite of wriggling nerve wants to want them just so I can make them take blame - unknot that knot.. walk away.. let go..
 Have a good day... I am alive and whole.. this is good - today will be good - tonight I talk to a friend in Oregon.. life is good...
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 Mon Mar 5,18 II bed 8:15pm
 I dug the day - settled in @wk already
 In hr early, 9min walk to EC2 for dentist/clean - all looked good - digital x-ray - said no long-term concerns, nothing to throw insurance $$ at.. considering what I walked in with, real good..
 Dept $350 State tax return on way back to ST - nice brisk day for a walk - streets w/ working class people like me, winter white morning light - I think I like working in a place that isn't also a shopping center like EC1 - city streets, traffic, lots of other workers, instead of shoppers like at EC1.. anyway, different... reminds me I'm not special, just another worker...
 Facepages, complex chart recreation under pressure, more or less got it done... top guy Vern called for support, said nice things about me something like "Simple job like this a waste of your skills." not in those words - last week Sara DC blonde top global ADAPT person said "You're the best we have." (Graphically) - wow - thank you - new hire photos from LA - checking in w/TSG about extensions for facepages.. free cereal/milk, coffee - a cafeteria WTH? So cool - I dig new space - everyone high/happy/excited - come on... this is a blast.. $10 Falafel from cross street, ordered on phone went got it - lasts me lunch & dinner, and is healthy/vegetarian - nice. Tom & Beth/Anne put Mom's ashes in the wall thing w/Dad & Ruth. Weird as fuck, that dust idea - but people do it. Anne said she sent everyone checks from Mom's estate.. huh? - knew nothing about it - assuming that's her bank accts, cash on hand etc, like not to come to much..
 Got everyone's okay for GT pub shot in video.. hope it happens - hope I get paid... short check-in with the guys was cool, we're till Game Theory. GT plus Stacey & Kristine - power memories & connection in that group . shared experience, grief, aging..
 'Modern' new phones @wk, but no instructions. Have used my Skype-y headphones twice.. work fine.
 Reading God is not Great - he's just fun to read - a popular intellectual -
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 Mon Mar 5.18 nm
 Sun pm drive to Bowl for berries/salad/pudding, etc, Rockridge for Stilton, coffee/red magazine about Boys In The Band revival/'out' gay actors, Telegraph/Alcatraz to vacuum out Camry.. that was good; car garbage was getting out of hand. Need to organize tapes.
 Sleep ~10:45 - good sleep - anger/tension around work changes - new boss etc - trying to let go - it's on me to deal with it.
 In early for 10am dentist - see how walk times out - $350 state tax check arrived.
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 Sun Mar 4.18 II 3:30
 Lady dropped by for roof rack - too big for car.. rgh..
 Hang, chat w/Buff, angrybirds, find Mexican shirt/show place online (on shirt label - duh :-D ) - order another white shirt, a short-sleeved green shirt and hand bag: $170 - mideast salad lunch; weed, prune datura, sidewalk bush, bucket list to do now:
 Read Bible front to back
 Sell Frida pics on Etsy
 Cook healthy food to bring to work/eat at home
 Good list. Hummingbirds.. longer days, more light.. Mom's death is all over me - make note -
 Walk to Bowl for pudding, salad?
 Hippie girls

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 Sun Mar 4.18
 Ahh.. up ~5:30, considered coast/Sonoma loop.. felt so good to chill relax in warm bed.. did that.. up~ 8am.. checked weather, may be sunny on coast, but cold.. I'm good with chill weekend..
 Could do some gardening, but it's all wet from rain - Olampoli? Maybe - be nice to get out for fresh air... on way home drop books at Nicasio... hmm..
 Off fb for another 2 weeks - so far not too much trouble - tho wish I could post to let people know where I am -
 - Sat talked to Will about use of GT pub shot - contacted Gui/Donnette/Shelley/Kristine/Stacey for permission - said ~$2K for me, ~200K for ea - need permission from Scott & Gil's estate - need by mid-day Mon - for a video by a major social network company - cool if it happens - he seemed really happy that it could get done - says ** loves the photo - whatever - a talker - a bullshitter? - not sure I care - - but I do, or would not be so focused - it is a compliment they like photo so much - we all know it's a good one -  just get it done - kinda cool for everyone involved, why not? If it goes through, it'll be my photo & their faces/history for 3mos nation TV(?) + a year online. Whatever that means...
 ... haven't heard from Shelley yet, Donnette said she'd call today.. a bit awkward contacting K, played it straight, she responded w/no drama, so that's good...
 ... Roof rack on Freecycle, got  a nibble this morning.. then pulled back..
 Sunny today, no breeze... hmm - Tilden maybe after all?
 Another nibble - bite? on roof rack - says she can get it working & pick it up any time today...
 Now working out arrangements for 10:45am roof rack pickup.. fingers crossed.
 Nothing more yet from Tom in Cinci w/Shirley - checked msgs on home phone - one from Shirley, on xmas, thanking me for reading bible to to Mom.
 Her atheist son.. doing it for her... I got to give her that back for all she did. Family. Special gift to me, to make amends for grief I caused her. That bible is now the Family Bible, regardless of who has it at the moment.
 Everything is a test... not everything is a test... nothing will be thrown at me I can't handle.. losing Gil is intolerable... I am tolerating it... paradoxes.. get used to it
 Watched some Firing Line with Hitchens last night - cool - next.. TED talks? I have put too much weight on them - ease up, let go - watch just for entertainment, presentation skills - maybe learning...
 I am sorta hung up on that last moment with Mom - let go of that, too - time will release me soon enough; let it.. If I want to feel good about being comfortable reading bible verses sincerely thinking of her comfort, then be glad for that small comfort to both of us... that was her gift to me, maybe Dad's and churches', too - they impressed upon me importance of being kind/generous, thinking of others first/helping.
 Mom thought she had weeks, months, years left to do things she hadn't done - playing dulcimer, learning email... 
 ... learn from her 'mistake'. There is no tomorrow. Do not fear. I can do anything I want. She was depressed after Dad's death... 5yrs.. our calls/visits helped keep her afloat...
 What am I putting off? Religion? Wisdom of religion? So - next.. read that bible front to back. Too big? Get a bigger shoulder bag. Done. That's a good one.
 And - make an Etsy or something with my Fridas. yes. Another good one. Something I say I'll do after I retire.
 Also, cooking cheap and healthy at home.
 Yes - 3 good ones.
 And.. pay someone to come dance nude for me?
 Huh.. hmm..
 So yeah - I'm on facebook's shit list.. only smart thing to do is play it safe - remove all figure art - download/delete those images/folders. It's their game - wise up.
 10:30 - headed home for 10:45 rook rack pickup.
 Life is good.
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 Sat Mar 3.18 nm
 Think I covered it all last night...
 Slept well, rainy.. comfy bed, quiet mind.. up around 7am.. parents dead, so no one to rebel against.. it's normal, don't feel guilty...
 Looked back at week: 3-Mo anniv of Mom's sudden, unexpected death > new office > amazing views, modern interior > new dept head/organization > new job intake ot get used to > Dept supervisor morning guy out W-F, so I open 7am... I didn't fail.. couple of awkward social interactions; nervous blabbing may be embarrassing, but not a threat to my survival & not too late to adjust my behavior..
 Greg from Omni forwarded vague email from their distributor, asks about using LN GT close-up photo - need in a hurry > "rights are 3 months US broadcast and 1 year digital/internet." Offered to pay.. might need signed model releases, gotta be done by EOD Mon > maybe a push to sell GT product? I responded offering flexible cooperative support, & contacted Gui, Shelley, Donnette through fb backup page & email. Now I wait.
 Big week > I did well > and this morning I feel relaxed and content, having taken care of business...
 Mideast salad Fri dinner > snacking on dried figs satisfies munchies...
 I'm not over that Mom died... parents are Gods... our foundation...  I want it back, look to Charleston WV, Catholic church teachings for perspective, & to bounce myself against..  that's point, right? Bounce against an immovable object, you take on qualities of object.
 But main thing is I feel good now, healthy, happy, sane, honest... 
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 Fri Mar 2.18 nm 5pm
 Always good to have 7am days over - W-F in early - went fine except for Thurs am when new dept head ate up hours of morning w/multiple emails, requests, complaints, phone call etc. I think I got one job done - 4 complex slides. But - cool - slept well, felt rested - that's what I've been noticing -
 - after months of anticipation/mild anxiety about move to new bldg, and not knowing if we'd have dept head - & on top of that CORE training coming up - done - studied CORE training/have materials/modules, move into new bldg 90% done/healthy veggie falafel place cross street works for lunch/dinner - new dept head in CHI, new intake mostly working... two new hires did video, pics at opening - great! Let them do it.
 Feeling lighter, stronger, less anxious - talking too much! Man, am I a talker! Gah! Just - say less. I begin to babble.
 I knew I could do it - did good - helped supported peeps, ate work food, attended BBL about Advanced Analytics/Machine Learning, laundry, groceries, paid rent, paid up cards, digestion back to normal, etc. Yes - a weekend with no plans is prime time good yeah sign that life is right. Cool.
 No tax returns yet; undecided where in yard to put solar-powered lights.. finished Chandler's Long Goodbye.. what an enjoyable yarn! Reading wiki on Algerian War & Hitchens' God Is Not Great - I questioned myself 'Why go backward to wallow in anti-religious bitterness?' - realized it's more about enjoying his fine mind/writing style. Yes! Go! Wifi in cottage, tablet talk with Sooz worked (!).
 Tickets for Nicasio BBQs (not to mention two weekends of Russian River music festivals/cottage for Eric & I) - that takes competence, awareness, planning. See?
 A lover. I need a lover.
 Accidentally pasted note to N in L's IM - we talked it out - it's okay. It is important to be respectful and not sloppy in our communications. It was more about what it's not, than what it is. It is not sign there's competition or that she is being replaced. Other friends are 'necessary company'. That's harsh - I mean she/we is/are time-tested deeper ways that we don't understand, but have lasted/proved to be true. She is still in me. Nothing compares.
 I'm not tired all the time - eating good food, sleeping enough - keeping myself mentally active - job's good for that and socializing - yes, all good.
 Tom's in Cinci w/Shirley - she went to emergency room today with pain. I don't know what she looks like. Good for Tom, tho.
 I don't regret the $$ spent on Mendo/Bragg trips - currently 71/60.. rent paid.. month of paid time off - should be able to save $2K this month. 75 has a nice ring to it. I think looking for 80/70 EOY. Forget about raise - not gonna happen. Enjoy what I got - worrying about the future and dreaming a raise will change anything is silly. If I want more $$ in bank, make meals at home, carry them to work lunch with me, like all the other working class slobs like myself.
 And heck - new view from work - still sinking in, what it 'means' - means nothing, but - I am surprised at where I find myself, maybe it means I'm smarter, more competent/ talented than I know. Maybe it means I can ease up on myself. But mainly - it means I am fortunate, lucked into this position, find myself in a slot where I fit well - sharing this cool experience, celebrating move, success of company, coolness of SF, and SF views.. all I have is because of others.. once I accepted support/love, things started going well - I admitted that fear was not working, I had to do life even tho I was/am afraid. Millions of people created /defended this culture, morals from silly religions, parents, family, economy.. I had a thought about it last night - death of remaining parent - put s whole new perspective on things, there's no more relying on youthful illusions - need new illusions haha. Adult illusions. I say I reject movies, but no - look how I read books & articles about movies, reviews, watch clips on youtube, Maltese Falcon endlessly - don't lie to myself - I'm a product of this media culture like all rest. Get over myself. I'm no better. No in that shallow way.
 And yeah - pretty damn cool in new bldg - so modern! No reflection on me personally - we all need jobs - I have somehow shifted into this cool position in cottage. yard / skylight / very cool housemates, job in tall bldg. Works. Nice. I like it. It has high value. I enjoy it. Yeah.
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 Wed Feb 28.18 laundry 5:39pm
 R gone W-F, I'm in 7am - was a bit concerned, since: new job intake system, new building, new temperamental dept mgr... Assertive new hire (1 year?) feeling oats.. but gets things done and learns fast! Still, in some areas, because of my experience, I know more than he, and he's cooling off a little in response.. so it's good... plus, I'm okay with him being efficient - makes my job easier, just let it happen...
 ... will he take over from R.. do I smell something in the air...?
 Slow day, too - yay! - got papers partially organized (CORE, new bldg), explored nearby cafeteria (ooouuu..!), got headphones for Skype... practice new job intake.. getting better... chatted with Sarah Dey about ADAPT, what it is & also enjoying new office layout trade-off: less privacy vs. more community/socializing/contact/less hierarchical.. yes. cool... couple easy jobs, new hire photo of cool programmer geek girl who liked my Frida montage... all good...
 ... yes, amazing fucking views... such a treat... millions of jobs harder, suckier, less pleasant, less creative, no training, no fulfillment, no view, no light, etc.. so yes, blessed and grateful..
 Sent couple snaps of view to sibs.. Tom's response:  "Wow. Incredible. Benefits of working for evil, soul corrupting corporations." Haha.. y'know.. an opportunity to be 'nice', instead does passive-aggressive, I-was-only-kidding, you're-oversensitive shtick. It is not ever going to change. Let go of dream of getting along with him. Have a regret if I like, twinge of embarrassment over memories of bad behavior he saw... but I'm better now. No there there. This is guy who, in front of other, asked for bible I was reading from to Mom when she took last breaths... everyone understood, given emotional circumstances, I would have it, or maybe be family bible - but he had to have it because he was with her when she bought it? Makes no sense. He just needed attention.
 Maybe I should overlook given, as Joan said, we were all raw/not in best shape. On other words... he does things that annoy/insult me/make me stay away (on top of him  showing no serious interest in having a friendly brother/brother relationship), but this case, where we were all shattered, let that one go - that was not him in normal day-to-day sense - it cost me little to let him have it, state my piece 'Long as it stays in family' etc - not having it around keep me from over-sentimentalizing about it etc.
 So it's good.
 Well-rested.. good coffee at work - $10 falafel place cross St good for lunch and dinner, along w/wk snacks. Pretty cool..
 Long chat w/Sooz last night - been phone only for months(?) w/Skype audio fucking up... got tablet/fb video IM working last night.. cool! - told in some detail about viagra experiment - she depressed... Jack's drawing and music...neighbors etc...
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