“Life's too short not to have some fun.”

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 Thu Dec 13.18 hm 12:30
 Wow - no blog for 3+days! They have been free fall enjoying, not that things are in place, showed face at YWCA/EDD etc.. Peralta soon! - visited Lawrence Hall of Science, walked Inspiration Point, UCB Botanical, including redwood grove - lots of memories, Shelley etc but redwoods mostly Shelley B, sent her photos, shared long memory trip IMs after, trip to Bolinas, some sexual stuff:
 "Michelle sticking her head in door of my bedroom, while I was standing at end of bed with my head between your legs - it must have been one of the first times (?) because Michelle looked surprised in a friendly "Oh so that's happening!" way - she imparted whatever information she needed to share then left... youth is so casual about all that"
 She apologized for going of with another guy at Bolinas Watermelon festival - since I remembered it, I guess I needed to hear that. Shit, I was ~22-3.. we were selfish horny youth.. I have a few memories - mostly photo based, or crisis moments, vague first sexual events etc, but fleshiness, her being same persons in and out of bed, knowing what she wanted from me and to give me.. that was new.. not usual fumbling in actual and metaphorical dark..
 Anyway.. some things I ought to do: check in to CalJobs, update resume in there and look into school stuff. There may be schools I am not aware of. Yes, do it.
 Today, library..
 All this relaxation/walking on beautiful California winter days is great.. assuming/hoping all will be well - doing everything I know to do... no more severance coming in.. solstice in a weeks then days getting longer.. then Medicare, job hunt.. sigh.. assuming social security in 15months... weird...
 ...it's like slow-moving train (aging/poverty) coming to hit me, and nothing I can do about it, except keep myself together in the now... being here now, keeping this together, care and feeding of this human body.. that seems to be it.
 Looked through old drive - some b&w Alice Marin nudes, a bunch of Mekkas not seen in a while - clothed ones, partially pulled away - very sexy - implied - Suzanne Lusky cheesecake nudes... yeah.. careful.. borderline withdrawn/depressed activity - get out for fresh air sunshine regularly -
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 Sun Dec 9.18 nm
 Nah - overcast - ~3 west Berkeley Art open studios art compound - saw InDesign teacher's stuff & several others, chat w/one painter - that was fun, to get out & explore, see how working artists do it - then 4th street shops, Amazon store..
  - book store, gelato - home for youtube etc, Michael Palin Brazil vid, kept falling asleep, darned indica! -noisy squirrels/rats on roof woke me up - mouse traps - sleep ~10-9.. now, maybe get out somewhere - out of town? Olampoli?
 ---
 Bed 8:30pm
 If I don't write about it did it happen?
 Lv ~11 w/pbj/falafel, Easy traffic heavy mist/fog - Olampoli explore lower area, fields/bldgs - nice, and felt pretty good - just wanted to get out of town, decent exercise climbing around hills/creeks - lots of turkeys -
 ~2:30 head to Nicasio, Mike comes out w/Robin Williams book lend, I show him through pile of CDs I'm leaving - promote GBV - bar, burger/football/1 IPA - yum, and felt good - yay - finally -
 All things remaining equal, a year from now may be completely different, good, or bad or neutral-wise... keep doing everything I can.. don't miss any details, this is too important -
 Hm ~5:30, big laundry - clean bedclothes always a treat.. 2 chocolate bars. mmm...
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 Sat Dec 8.18 nm
 Having gotten most all the basis done: signed up for classes, unemployment, resume, YWCA & EDD mtgs, food, LinkedIn, connect with people I've been in conflict with (Shelley/Chris/Tom).. now feel like I'm being too lazy.. but no.. I'm doing everything right.. no steps I can take will make me wealthy.. I am fearing poverty, but who doesn't? Lost prestige of - on surface - cool job.
 Awfully gloomy, but natural normal human sadness - sad that nothing lasts - not so depressed I'm immobile - not much different than slow no-action weekends while working full-time.. really, yes..
 Checked SS, I have from mid-Dec to sign up.. look into it.. prob ~$200/month?
 I've gotten ~12 weeks of unemployment, have till week 17 to apply for CTG (gov't paid for school) - so do that!
 Paid UBER card.. credit score 767 which is good.
 Okay.. Fri afternoon book store, pizza.. youtube at home..
 Chill weekend.. Alameda campus 1-Stop Monday after class..
 Need printer wifi pw from Gui, Marge having trouble with John H's bday files, downloading and printing..
 Life goes on.
 I'll be okay. I am okay. Happiness is not required, wisdom is helpful. I'm not even sure I'm unhappy - just anxious.. cool, well, I can handle that - we all have to.

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 Fri Dec 7.18 nm
 A lot to take in - can happen to anyone - uncertain near and long-term - adjust to it - may get job, may be temp, may not get job.. life is scary - feeling like crying in morning, throughout day, is normal! Worrying does not help. Breath. It was nice to feel 'rich' w/long-term job, affordable rent etc - but was always an illusion, no Mommy & Daddy coming to rescue me. Every day need to see clearly. Stay to school, talk to agencies about school pay/extended unemployment benefits, use LikedIn & CalJobs & WIOA.. something will come along -
 This is my job now - school, resume, LinkedIn, EDD, CTG, signing up for Medicare.. follow rules minutely - a small mistake can cause problems, gotta stay on top of it.
 But bed comfy, slept all night - ~10-6:30.. hot shower felt good, making lunch routine smooth and easy now.
 Life is good.
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 Th Dec 6.18 nm II 5:30
 After InDesign, ~noon map app took me across GG Bridge & into Sunset district, first time in years - lovely blue sky sunny day hint of mist - good to see Gui, relaxed & comfy - chatted  over 1 beer for ~50mins? How Scott died, what we are up to, about Gil's sudden decline - Gui was caught unawares - , marriage to Shalini/Mitch, Shelley's farm, etc.. tours, band break up, rereleases, Vanderbilt, Pat Thomas, $2,500 facebook ad photo.. quite a bit actually! Dang
 Put printer in car, long-way home, cross Bridge again, stop north end to look.. visit Urban Ore..
 Felt good - some sadness when I visit old friends, times gone etc - Shelley's farm with Taylor St memories, Gui.. but anxious as I am, I think I'm happier now than I was back then, not crazy any more.. less angry, more open, loved and loving.. such a difference.. so maybe I can do this.. pain of lost job, adjustment to circumstances.. maybe this cna be made to work.. keep myself happy with creative activities...
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 Thu Dec 6.18 nm
 My thoughts are sad and worried, but those are thoughts.. what ifs - projections - anticipations - anticipate good, expect success - see a bright future.. see a bright today..
 Currently I'm having a good time, sleeping well, reading, eating, watching movies, learning in class, attending job-hunt classes.. soon will have Medicare.. health good.. unemployment for a few more months..
 Winter solstice Dec 21 then days longer..
 No, not still love for S&C - that was 20+years ago - , just remembering, looking at Taylor artifacts, when I did, how that glue held things together, it felt good to love someone, there was hope... let it go, no there there.. Marge & John's, and even Mark's friendship is real & now.. they are genuine and nice to me..
 Prob no Bragg trips.. but.. let's see..  $150 for hotel, $60 for gas.. for 4 days on cold rainy coast? Meh.. :-D Do it while I'm young enough to enjoy and have car?
 Picking up printer from Gui this afternoon - so odd, so odd..
 Last night groceries, 1-1 indica - one solid hit seemed to help - slept all night.. ~9-6:30.. all this sleep feels great..
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 “tell the truth, don’t blame people, be strong, do your Best, try hard, forgive, stay the course.”
 After Google Docs class, attend hr EDD RESEA class, some good info - a lot tho! Nomad for internet, did not type up notes, got LMI passwords for wifi, good chat w/Sooz last night, got Gui's address to pick up printer tomorrow, more of Pat Thomas' Jerry Rubin book.. now dispensary & groceries.. shower, do typing at resume on CalJobs @home..
 This is not a maybe, need to keep an eye on how to make CTG - unemployment while going to school with WIOA support - work. That extra $$ would pay rent and some bills/ food - big a big help.
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 Wed Dec 5.18 nm
 After Tues am InDesign, Nomad, reading Did It! Internet, bagel & eggs smoothie etc - home to read more but getting sluggish, dark @4:30.. could have showered, made lunch for today but.. sluggo.. push myself a little to make my life easier by doing those things at night..
 Adapting to normal anxieties about future etc.. I have always heard this is normal, to think about future, have concerns, of course..
 Meantime, right now is fun and cool - $$ in bank, unemployment coming in.. slowly organically shifting towards how to survive when times get tight..
 Anything on the bucket lost I ought to do now, or in Spring? Spend $2K, fly east, rent car, last trip to WV, Ohio? Or New England? Meh.. Utah? Some natural beauty I'd like to see - Lost River State Park?
 This morning: Google Docs, then 3hr mtg at Oak EDD, general overview of info.
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 Tues Dec 4.18 nm 2pm
 "A calm and humble life will bring more happiness than the pursuit of success and the constant restlessness that comes with it." Einstein
 gee, I hope so. Define "success". Wealth and recognition - I've had, and have, both.
 Reading Pat Thomas' 'Did It!' Jerry Rubin bio - quite fun - I see my hero-worshipping youth, normal, excited to try to change the world as youth does, reminded how New Wave music in Davis broke me out of smelly long-haired drop-out scene. And now me away from all that - me being here now best I can.
 Free afternoon - Wed 3hr EDD mtg, Thurs pick up printer from Gui. Today working on relaxing and enjoying.
 Now, with Gil dying I kept telling myself I could die tonight, no one knows - but that philosophizing also avoided knowing pain, statistically speaking odds were I'd be around to see it. It had value tho. Now - worried about future, I tell myself I may be dead in a year, so don't worry about 10 years from now. Statistically I'll be around, need to plan for that - like, while I have $$, look into used trailer homes. Whatever.
 Seems I am still in habit of treating friends to meals - no more generosity - good as it feels, much as I feel compassion, much as it makes me feel powerful, and have value, I need to get my mental state in order. I have given enough.
 Week off ~xmas - do Bragg again?
 "Because of the pressures of the competitive and capitalistic rat-race of artistic "success" and "failure" in America, you punished yourself for not being a production machine of non-stop creativity." (Rubin to Ochs)
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 This
 "As we age, the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier ... much heavier. With each passing year, the price of our refusal to do that sorting rises higher and higher. Long ago, the defenses I built to withstand the stress of my childhood, to save what I had of myself, outlived their usefulness, and I've become an abuser of their once lifesaving powers. I relied on them wrongly to isolate myself, seal my alienation, cut me off from life, control others, and contain my emotions to a damaging degree."
 Bruce Springsteen
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 Mon Dec 3.18 nm 3pm
 If I believe in my own value I do not need to be defensive nor promote myself, or need to be doing something exciting to prove my worth to myself and others... I need to be doing things I enjoy.. yes.. whatever it is, gardening, reading, watching videos, taking classes, chatting with friends, walking nature, biking, book stores, playing in photoshop, photography, flirting...
 Kinda down this morning remembering marriage, natural post-Davis/LaFreniere sadness (they are always so nice, encourage me to come visit more, Mark, too)- it was no one's fault marriage didn't last, most don't, not a sign of fundamental failure/weakness, it was not a good long-term match - Stacey said 'you have to work on it' - I think we sort of did, but did not know how, when we tried we learned we did not communicate well - I was unhappy - we all three dealt with a lot of things poorly - I was a fucking crazy delusional mess -
 - if I needed to make a point about the things she did wrong, assert my rightness, 20years of avoidance/resentment pays bill, yes? If it's a cover for my own weaknesses, living honestly and giving it up, standing naked in light, is right living. Nothing wrong with admitting dumb foolish selfish things. Shelley. It's over - done. Drop it. It may not disappear overnight - that's a lot invested in my DNA/body/joints/skin/digestion - but I know it's pointless now - no longer current - so given time, and hopefully some hanging out with Shelley/Chris, will set things right. Expect/demand nothing from them - if I bear resentments, they're my problem, and they hurt other people as well.
 So let it go - bye! It's now - not then.
 I loved her, and some part of me still loves her. True? Or is that a reaction reflected from many Taylor artifacts at their farm.. let that flickering dust of shattered crystals settle before deciding; may be mistaking memory of past love for a current feeling - it's not as if I moon over or fantasize or miss her; enough to admit I did love her and life we shared. I am fortunate - Marge and John still alive to hold my hand during that visit. As Gil held my hand when I 'friended' Donnette on facebook. Gil, hold my hand Thursday when I visit Gui to pick up printer.
 This is my life now - classes, researching job market, networking, working with various gov't agencies to get as much financial support as possible to attend school, attending seminars about job market, etc. And relaxing and enjoying - when I was working I enjoyed my free days. Now in school I should also enjoy my free time.
 Last night watched Blue Grass documentary, today started Pat Thomas's Jerry Rubin bio. |
 Yesterday's visit get me worried about long-term survival - but can't keep that focus too long, too many day-to-day details to take care of.
 Back off Shelley/Farm/Marge/John thoughts for a week or two - but do visit them.. monthly?
 Keep living right, now - using this time to have a look at myself, clear up old debris, relieve myself of old barriers - is a wise use of my time.
 Email note to self last night after Davis/Farm:
 'enjoy life
 laugh
 smile
 be happy
 bring light into other people's lives
 this breath is all I have - enjoy it - breath in love, breath out love
 I love Shelley - fuck :-), and Chris
 but was hurt by them, and hurt them - so'
 So - so what? Let go of all old nonsense. Love is the answer. Exercise love.
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 Mon Dec 3.18 nm
 Sat mostly chill, Sugata w/Stacey then hang in condo for a bit -
 Sun Davis ~11, quick Peets/Snyder/Cemetery drive by - not much connection - maybe current situation makes me very present - beautiful day - Marge straightaway says need to visit farm, lunch first - salmon patties & bagel - mmm.. look at John's 90th bday photos - play with their sweet dog -
 - "farm" is kind of surreal, big white house bought in one piece, surrounded by a dozen+ close-by out-buildings: chicken cages and coops & trailer homes - felt a little desolate - inside of house every surface covered with tools, knick-knacks = lots of Taylor St. furniture, tables, couches, cabinets full of the same knick-knacks from 20+ years ago, recognized books.. cemetery stones off to side barely noticeable. It's on me to let it all go - full stop.
 Seeing Taylor stuff, I recall I loved her - in some ways still do - how sad it is now. We were both sad people - angry & miserable like most young people I suppose. Good that I was with just John & Marge, so I could process it all. I worried about her being cold in the Winter. Yikes!
 When I told Marge there was not retirement from work, she looked worried - which made me worry - if I live as long as they have, 80, 90.. that's another 25 years.. that's a lng time to be living on Social Security/in poverty. Then I feel sad and worried. I'll have lots of company!
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 “She had terrible anxiety. She would have nightmares and she would wake up screaming. She just became withdrawn and sad. She never laughed or smiled or anything like that anymore.”
 Even tho I am better, I am not okay.. that initial shock, on top of stressful work year, was a trauma.. so is there something I can do about it - some free therapy? Or do I just let time heal it? Talking to Stacey that one time made such a huge difference, so I know for sure talk therapy would help. I am letting myself cry and be afraid..
 Work on finding life joys. Pictures, books, videos - uplifting
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 Sat Dec 1.19 nm
 The Plan:
 Continue at Berkeley Adult School in 2019, see if I can get continuation of Unemployment through EDD & WIOA while in school 20hrs/wk/. Design, Photoshop, more excel, video editing - what else?
 Start now looking into when I have to get Medicare choices done.
 Meantime set up Dermatologist appt, and also blood work.
 Early 2019 start looking for temp/contract work for practice/contacts
 Website, LinkedIn, outreach
 Volunteer @ South Berkeley Senior Center
 
 This, too, will pass - my mental state will change, maybe improve and I move away from recent past and learn to survive in moment.
 I'm still feeling pain of loss - 'I'm okay I just weep some mornings' - normal, everyone does it.
 CTG - Cal Training Grant - 1hr mtg Fri am - I was one of three volunteers, many did not appear - I asked questions, got impression trainer John knows who I am via Nia.. I did my best to be present and impressive. Dressed nice, took notes, asked questions.
 Look over Fri Word chapter I missed in online book.
 Yes, I do have a plan..
 I noted, how I have this idea about moving to a trailer park somewhere, surviving on SS - then noted thousands of trailer homes burned up north in Paradise Camp Fire near Chico.. right - there is not paradise...
 After EDD, home, chat w/Buff about heavy rain causing some roof leaks but prob okay now that boards swell, and his face rash.. tired.. sat in bed online, small dozes, ~5 Bowl, gas Suzette, Plough for beer, then another, then Grilled cheese w/bacon.. yeah, watch that, expensive (~$30!) - I had plenty of food in car/at home.
 Cool, wet glaring sun through clouds morning - sleep ~10:30? Sleep pretty  - out of bed at 9... Getting enough sleep, not just enough to function - but enough that I feel rested - make note... how good it feels, how not-ripped-off I feel...
 Checked in w/Jude (divorce, long-time pet dog died suddenly), and with Lindy - about jobs, my being unemployed, working full-time at our age & exhaustion, cost of living in Bay Area, etc, we agreed to stay in touch..
 All good - my fears are mostly distance-based - that I should have a plan for retirement/old age.. and that I don't is constant worry - same for most people.. get a perspective.. have gratitude that I am solvent for next year(?), no cc debt, no family to support... etc. And a genuine desire not to be a burden for anyone else.
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 Fri Nov 30.18 nm
 No Office class today, EDD School meeting 10:30 - hope it's a go! If not come back to BAS for some Office.
 Weekend - Stacey, Davis?
 Thur InDesign, lv early for YWCA Gov't job meeting - good info - cleared up misconceptions born from plain ignorance, smoothie @ cafe across from BAS. last meeting w/Nia @3pm.. sad, thanked her, discussed how various things are going - esp if full-time school will work? Feeling unlikely - needs to clear career path - said she noticed how I came in organized, took a desk space to lay out papers, etc - join her LinkedIn (sent invite this morning) - mommy figure, friend, source of information, gave me hope, encouragement, told me I was doing right/wrong, encouraged me to widen vistas, enjoy free time, pushed back or forward as appropriate - excellent - damn. Bye :-(
 Then? home prob.. Nomad sandwich till ~6.. finish Wolf of Wallstreet.. Cuyahoga State Park promo movie
 Tues pm Sooz call - end of YS - I mostly listened, as she needed to talk, share story, express regrets (could have been nicer to her?), speak well of Y, who she was, her strength, pride, beauty, how important she was to them etc, how private their grief is now.
 They are saying it's important to have a specific job goal - not just be what Nia called open - anyone who can use my skills - but I don't know how to do that. Supposed to receive an email today telling who to talk to, but may not be till late Dec. So I'm on my own for now.
 Grieve loss of Nia (well, we'll still be in touch email/LinkedIn), one year since Mom died - overall tho, I feel good - normal sadness about life - find ways to have positive vibes in mornings, toughest times, when I am warm and comfy but baseline aware of how temporary everything is... temporary, so enjoy all I have and find gratitude for all the good things - limbs, health, friends, memories, whatever happened in the past, it brought me here to goodness. Old age and poverty are normal  prepare best I can, but don't pick on myself for not being rich. Frugality.
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 Thu Nov 29.18 nm
 InDesign II, YWCA Gov't jobs, last Nia 1-Stop meeting.
 Raining hard last night - Wolf of Wallstreet, drops started dripping through roof after I was trying to sleep, anxious about today's meetings making me restless - lots of tape stopped most of it - this morning swelling boards seemed to have stopped it...
 Just keep doing what I'm doing: school mostly -
 Mind moves toward web site, final resume.. how much is LinkedIn? EDD classes - CTB/California Training Benefits at EDD Fri..
 Read - Bible maybe, and or Jerry Rubin book..
 Stuff like web site, samples, derma appt, home stuff is not happening, and won't unless I utilize some discipline along with intuition and organic growth..
 Using UBER card to keep it alive.. pay 1st week of month..
 Of course I don't want to work! No one does! I'm loving this free time! Nothing to do - oh, so sweet - but move, walk, hike - I've been getting constipated,, movement helps.. and of course I want a job that suits me, with a shirt commute
 Storming!
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 Wed Nov 28.18 Peets North 3:18pm
 After Cloud class, Tilden Arboretum, now mocha - chill - then 1/2 priced books, and E Leonard paperback.. Bowl/groceries..
 Isn't this what we really want, simple life, cabin, with enough - no job, no hectic commute, no loud children/responsibilities - just enough - roof, warmth, food.. just saying - I am doing school etc to avoid envy - enjoy this time, it's okay
 Do a website with my best work, feel good about my resume - build my skills in school - be prepared to accept the life my actions brings into being and not presume to live off friends or acquaintances or society.. be prepared to live a frugal life.. do not kill myself.. there's always a brighter day over the hill..
 You set aside a space outside mainstream society of food and shelter, to contemplate existence and life, let in wisdom by setting aside walls of reason we need to stay alive. Does it have to be religion? Buddhism - or liberal Catholicism?
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 Tue Nov 27.18 nm
 Mon MS Office class, home and sleep a couple hours? Heavy tiredness - shorter colder days? That time of year..
 Losing Nia as my support, who I counted on, who I thought would open doors - that sucks.. she was key core contact support from early on, said she "knew" people.. we meet Thurs after InDesign and Gov't job workshop - have prepared questions for info going forward.. school, names, Alameda - should I move to WIOA Oakland? She was my in - person with contacts who also knew a bit about me, my cheerleader..
 This afternoon 2-4 financial workshop at EDD, Fri Cal Scholl Grant workshop @EDD - skip morning MS class for that - I mentioned to teacher..
 Mon after class & nap, ~5 Plough corned beef dinner/2 pints/football...
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Oh, dinner w/Buff/DJ Sun pm.. yummy - filled them in on job hunt stuff, they talking long-term, life insurance, etc - sounds like plan is to stay on Fairview long-term, even if one of them dies.
 Read article about JJ Cale living in trailer.. watching TV, mowing lawn.. see how it goes? If I'm only myself and am okay with being myself, and not Dad nor a rock star.
 Three Perfect Strangers last night - wow.
 Sooz tonight.
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 Sun Nov 25.18 nm
 Lazed around Sun, yes - nice - rested - like vacation, I laze around, laptop in lap..
 Salad ~6, asked on fb if anyone has printer - Gui has one but it's 19" tall - no place for it.. is there no mini printer? and along with coat of device, another $60 for support - assholes!
 First day of class in 10 days - post-smoke Fri school closure, Thanksgiving week - some catching up to do -
 3pm last mtg w/Nia.. list what to discuss - is school in 2019 possible? 2.5 hours between class & mtg - go home & eat etc?
 Air clean - easy to forget northern fires - but reminds everyone of our vulnerability: anything can happen to anyone / it's good to be prepared.
 Retire at 66 - not unless I have to - no. A psychological barrier to break through. Work till you can't, or till you die.
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 Sat Nov 24.18 laundry 12:41
 Slept well - up ~7:30? So much I'd like to do, if I get it done, I'll have Sun free, air cold/clean, sky blue, did dishes, cleaned over top, laundry, Subway sandwich/chips/orange soda lunch - good steps - but do rest - combine emails - finished resume I'm comfy with.. new Gmail address - yes, all that - do that shit, clear plate so can refocus on classes and 2019 school..
 I'm enjoying this time off, not doing anything.. that's good. After laundry - back to Nomad to do resume/email combos etc.:
 Dishes/kitchen
 Laundry - newly made bed :-D
 Sexy supernatural paperback, find good parts so can dispose of (Seduced by Moonlight)
 Upload pulp cover meme to fb group
 Open EDD letters: taking tax out - good!
 Car lights how-to from manual
 Buff invites to dinner ~7pm
 Renew library DVDs
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 Fri Nov 23.18 bed 6:40pm
 Thurs coast hang in moderate rain, saw a small gray whale close to rocks north headlands - v cool yes - black flukes.. lv town ~12:30, check in w/Eric - uneventful overcast rain.. look for sushi w/E but all closed!! iHop for chicken and waffles - that worked.. gave him old and new indica_ lv SR ~6:30? Hard rain & fast easy traffic.. tried new pot at home - 1 hit was okay, 2 hits = short-term memory gone, nice!
 Today: Nomad ~8-12;30, cottage/bed ~12:45-5:30 - pbj.. apparently today was not meant to be a productive day - more vacation - that's okay.. laundry.. eh! groceries! Bowl closed!! Plough for pizza, 1 beer & basketball..
 Top Transformation Tip: If you're going through a tough time or a big challenge - spend 15 minutes considering these two questions: 'If I had set this whole episode up as a Training Simulation - What was I trying to show myself? ...and... What have I been training myself in?'
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 Thu Nov 22.18 Bragg Starbucks 10:30am
 Overcast, looks like rain a comin' - slept ok - again with stress dreams not directly related to actual stress points - had to do with cleaning out emails, and yes, I have ~10 email to-do lists - but putting off all that till coast vacation over - telling myself I'll be okay, I will get a job - news article about lady burned out of home gets $300 social security.. mine should be closer to $1500..
 Bought grams of indica but not smoking
 Wank last night & this morning
 Sleep ~10-8, shower/easy pack, trim hair
 Festival of Lights upcoming - close association w/Mekka & some deep unhappiness - we were in touch a lot during that coast trip? - 1 year ago we lost Mom.. hmm.. much erotic Mekka contact while in WV.. she wanted us to use L word, while straddling fantasy/reality.. I went with it, but as she said, it was good till it wasn't - road horse hard long as could - no halfway, we wanted to know what was going on - to bang inevitable break.. couldn't give that much to a fantasy no matter how intensely interesting/ challenging/ enlightening (and lots of daily intimate nude photos from her, and from me, that expanded comfort boundaries for us both) - when I had real non-fantasy relationships to nurture.. (still watching her 4 slo-mo video) -
 So, a year ago lost mom, and a little later Mekka.
 Anyway - got a few good photos this week - and think I must buy a printer, for #s, calendars, info to carry with me.. smallest possible - print resume etc.
 A working class person without job.. what good is he?
 10:45.. overcast/chilly..
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 Wed Nov 21.18 Mendo
 Coffee/bread pudding at mid main st coffee shop
 Up ~7:30, shower etc - out ~8:30, Starbucks - headlands, overcast, gusty, sun out and in, nice, no big surf.. south headlands, rain comes.. falafels, burrito bowl.. relaxed..
 Park in town, hard rain, wander streets, alleys.. finally here for snack/coffee..
 Sun out now.. wander...
  ---later---
 park/nap @headlands - erotic Nur dreaming.. sunny beautiful blue skies..
 Cruise around, town, soup, ~4 north, stop @Caspar beach chicken/rice soup.. College overlook - sun mostly behind clouds, stroll.. chill @hotel.. vacation, tourism.. relaxation.. no illusions.. this is good..
 Cold chocolate bar & falafel salad at hotel, South Park cartoons - yay! - huh - this getting away/vacation stuff really works..
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 Tues Nov 20.18 bragg hotel 6pm
 Beautiful weather today - clean air, what a treat!
 ~9 Headlands Cafe.. College of Redwoods coast.. walk, sit, beautiful morning warm sun cool air blue sky.. man! See people of north bluffs across water.. drive over..
 Are been fenced for years, not a park/old airstrip since 2015 - huh~ - walk ~1mile+ to end & back up strip, small 3-stone pioneer cemetery - 22yr old soldiers - oof!.. Pomo display board says east road was trail, drive out it ~2 miles.. eh!
 Starbucks mocha, toward Mendo, pull off road south end of Caspar bridge.. ooh, lovely small sunny beach.. barefoot walk it.. Mendo store, IMs w/K, cream of turkey soup, fruit - eat at headlands.. stroll, down leaning stairs to beach - walk up/down.. then to north end of headlands.. I guess after Fri-Sun 3-days of sitting inside to avoid dirty bay area air, I was ready for much walking and clean air today-- felt great, energized, refreshed, happy, positive - so much nature to enjoy in moment.. vacation, being a tourist..
 4:30-5 overcast, no sunset.. sposed to rain all day tomorrow & Thurs.. I think that's okay.. rain.. i  can still get out to coast.. maybe there'll be rough surf..
 Tonight... salad, pot & TV? Continued vacation..  which I have earned..
+++++
 Tue Nov 20.18 Bragg coffee shop 9:09am
 Lenny Gill having a GoFundMe for heart replacement. Perspective.
 Mon up early, Nomad, lv ~7:30? Smoke all the way up, 128, coast - noticeable in breathing; visually smoke looks different than fog/mist which is reflective water vapor. Brief stop in redwoods, mood generally gloomy but okay - not sure mood's any worse than any general time in last 20 years. Life comes with gloom, tactics/methods for methods for keeping our moods light.
 Straight to headlands, lovely but no surf, sunny through smoke - low ocean visibility - hang, walk south.. town/hot chocolate muffin.. bread/curry chicken/falafel/hummus/apple juice/dried fruit.. indica grams, Wanda from toy store 2x, stopped to say how fun camel seat sleuthing was :-)
 Grateful for car $$ ability to come up here, enjoy nature, free time, cheap hotel.. ~3:30, drop stuff at hotel, chill, headlands ~4:30 for sunset.. okay, walked around south headlands.. at hotel sleepy, laid on back, dropped off ~10x with a snort - then youtube, corner store for air/crackers/tootsie pops.. sleep ~10..
 Slept okay I think.. up ~7:45..
 No plans today.. everything seems to be good  do a final resume - there is no right/perfect resume - do an acceptable one.. than web site.. stay in school..
 Everyone worries about old age/poor health/poverty etc.. best I can focus on what I have now and am grateful for.. life is good.
 Buff invited me to thanksgiving dinner with Robin, Joan also invited me up - need to respond..
 Constipated yesterday - large painful dark battering ram just now.. that chocolate ice cream carton? Could be - hard cheese old man.. and the stilton.. dairy..
 No one likes to admit they're just average, just one in a billion, but there you go-- enjoy every sandwich.. everything I ever wanted, I have had or have.. youth & LRY seems very far away... can't help it, I compare my pain to Dad's, his poverty, no father, old brother died in war, WWII, his serious health issues.. etc.. how did he survive it? Church was one. Loved his family - siblings. We were a duty - got it -he did not love us in he same way he loved his family and wife and friends etc etc.. no parents do.. this is reality no child wants to hear..
 Time to grow up.
 I will have a good resume, finish classes, and eventually get some kind of job. This is reality.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Shit, shower, shine..  more ball shaving, hard to get low areas, feels younger than bushy..
+++++
 Sun Nov 18.18 hm 4pm II
 Called Davis hotel for WEF info - no info yet, prob can't book till Jan
 Paid phone bill ($100)
 Set up voicemail
 Paid COBRA/payflex ($600)
 Put info into EDD page to 2 weeks UI
 Moved some stuff into car
 Bit of yard work
 Checked Mechanics Bank - paycheck Friday.
 That's actually most of it (along with downloading leaked asian celeb pics & videos haha)
 Need to create Gmail address for job hunt, groceries, start packing, eggs, coffee in thermos - try to leave ~7? Is that too crazy? Hit rush hour? Whatever...
 Cool - sitting around, but got things done.
 Also, call Verizon next week, see about abrogating contract as I'm unemployed.
+++++
 Sun Nov 18.18 nm
 Fri-Sat sat around - fire smoke, good excuse to lax guilt-free, like when sick/have to stay in bed/do nothing.. okay to do nothing..
 Ate carton of ice cream/suffering a bit of depression over that
 A few things to do today - pay COBRA for Dec, pay phone and set up voice mail! Have to have have voice mail in case job, school, - family emergency - whatever calls - stop dicking around/do it, irresponsible/dangerous not to.
 Get food, coffee, packing tonight/today for early departure Mon.. east good healthy food - then have Fri-Sun for more work-related stuff... boredom is fine, having these 10 days off, like a long vacation I missed in July - have had non-work time, always w/school/job-hunt stuff - this is first real free time, maybe last for who knows? Enjoy. Enjoy being bored. Accept normal life anxiety. Count blessings, see reality that still this is good as it gets. Another gov't job YWCA meeting in 2 weeks. WIOA in Alameda. Stability would be nice - full-time school would do that. I have a feeling Berkeley Adult school etc is a bit flakey, being cut out of state aid? Nia said they were not producing enough.
 Nazi youtube/Wikipedia stuff last night - woke ~1am - hangings, famous military men, Rommel's death, surrender papers, Nuremberg, etc.
 Okay - get lots done today, will help lift sugar gloom, eat another salad - go to coast w/good healthy attitude - I've earned it - I can probably afford $1k WEF, too. Call hotel today.
 BTW - Trump thrives on attention, CNN & Fox make a killing on ads because we watch - it is not real news - it's garbage - stop looking at CNN & Fox - can I block them?
+++++
 Sat Nov 17.18 nm
 Man - like vacation for real now - checked bank & it's ~70.. tho don't relay on it - it will be drained.. $500 to Bragg next week, and maybe almost $1K WEF? geez... Hmmm..
 I'm assuming there'll be some sort of job in my future... something easy and close by for the old man.. Bain decades my peak earning years, as they say.. future will be in addition to Social Security & Medicare..
 Sleep ~Midnight - watching Lost clips and interviews.. woke ~6?! Snoozed comfortably till ~8:30.. some normal weepiness in morning, about life's strangeness, disappointments, etc - no biggy - I do not have religious serenity, making too much of it nor wallowing in self-pity..
 Air seems a little better - walked to Bowl last night for burrito, eggs, fruit, salad, soup.. plenty of food in house - cottage a mess, clean it today - yesterday was totally hang loose day and I enjoyed it.. IM'ing with Jude, not discussing visit to see Lynn/Jude pics yet.. a bit of tease: "Full of swimming holes along a river and wooded lands. Just let your imagination run wild there, ha ha, picturing the young Lynn and Jude frolicking."(!!).. and considering strangeness of situation (wanting to see old shots of her & Lynn at Davis pool), staying in touch till time feels right is correct. Part of me wants to offer my old selfies - but no - no weirdness, show I have self-control & am focused on comfortable desired result for both of us: I am asking something from her, not offering something to her. I am offering both of us intelligence, no bullshit, and interesting artsy experience. I told her old b&w pic she shred was sexy, esp considering how non-revealing it is, and sent 2 GT leather rock guy pics. She knows I have old pics of myself, all us artsy photographers do - she'll bring it up if interested. This is not about me looking for an opening for my pervy exhibitionism
 11:30 - breakfast bagel & mocha.. home soon for cottage work.
 Yesterday did yard trimming - almost every day a little.
 Write to Nia about new WIOA invite to NorCal EDD, to replaced missed meeting. :-(
+++++
 Fri Nov 16.18 nm bad air day school closed
 Watched/skipped through City of Evil  - uhh.. well, parts were fun.. sleep ~11:30, till 6, then till 9..
 InDesign a go! Paid extra $95 - some shenanigans (did teacher add phantom students?), but I want the training, for time fill, schedule and info - Mac experience, refreshing, all yes. Also let's her/other teacher know I am serious, committed. Stopped in briefly on Nia, who indicated we may be able to do school 2019 before Jan.
 Thu am noticed air extra bad, got worse, on way home I could see lost visibility, feel in sinuses/lungs - subtle but real, scary - stopped for box of masks from Ace - gave 7 to DJ - then online notices came out that air was getting really bad, stay indoors, schools closed etc. I'm feeling a little dramatic, but it is bad.
 Sit around.. ~4-5 Plough for beers & pizza - yum!
 Booked $50 Bragg room M-W nights next week - drive up Mon, Tues/Wed enjoy coast, lv Thurs.. option to add day desired - in next days look into online classes teacher Alfred mentioned, and look on EDD site at schools, school info.
 ~10days off here to chill, relax, reflect, enjoy, be happy, clean/org cottage etc. I feel good about it - happy for time off, because feels like many irons in fire.
 If I'm willing to spend $500 on coast trip & $100 on meals with Eric, should I also buy $100 printer for lists?, or should I hold off/learn to rely on online calendars?
 Nice talk with Sooz last night - Yoso is not well.
 I have a pride problem with men in my family, and maybe men in general? Sensitive because I'm a small man. Common. Normal. I am no big deal. Nothing to defend. Learn to relax, enjoy, smile, be happy, accept. I want to touch, be touched, have friends - okay - so do that.
 IM'ing w/K& Vic..
 Endless loop, need a job, hate a job, at least try to find a job I feel good about - that uses my skills, where I can be myself to some extent, feel good about investing, partnering.. for someone like me with limited skills, I have to be realistic.. of course.. panic and fear will not help.. do what I can, what must be done.. and work on being real, good and accepting.. getting this chance to see who I am, my willingness to look situation in the eye, and take recommended steps etc, feel my feelings without losing hope... it's a good learning, taking stock, assessing myself..
 Always an adventure - who knows where I'll be next year? One year from today - still in cottage, with a job, Medicare, deciding when to retire.. there is no way to know anything.. it's good to know that.. save pennies - but right now, a trip to coast feels right.
+++++
 Thu Nov 15.18 nm
 Weepy and scared this morning about school in Jan - how to work with state, choose classes, etc - they'd pay for school/books, and I keep getting unemployment - use savings for rest.. don't know how to do it, and losing my rock, support, earth mother, contact - Nia - is scary - this is life.. as trauma goes this is not horrible -
 Next week drop $6-700, spend 4 days in Bragg - might do me good, or is being alone bad? Mon-Thurs.. drive up Mon - chill Tues/Wed home Thurs? $50/night at Hotel 6. Check weather report - is air still bad?
 Still heavy smoke air from fires, sun red ball this morning, ashes on car - air smelled likes gasoline?? And it's cold - well shit. I get weepy and unhappy, okay - let it out - but I know we all feel the same, trapped, having to work, bad bosses, bad commutes - I know my life is still good, and fear about future not out of control. I think of the thousands who lost homes up north, and south.. heartbreaking for them -
 Stacey had me over for dinner last night - soup, bread, cheeses, nuts - talk, about our healing around Gil, play w/Dexter, watched vid from 5yrs ago when Gil's upper lip got stuck to teeth and laughed our asses off. :-)
 Not 100% certain InDesign class is happening today -
 Wed afternoon, rake/sweep side trash bin area, Nomad to type up Nia's 2hr Job Hunt mtg notes about - did it on work laptop, starting to move onto Cloud -
 Google Apps = no storage
 MS OneDrive = storage
 MS teacher asked about book - Fri I'll say yes, ask for support hooking up with online classes.
 Today betwen1-3 EDD call about missed Oct 1 meeting.
 Learn Google apps Calendar and utilize, move app into phone. Slowly organically job hunt will become lifestyle. That's good, to be organized/getting things done.
 Okay - meantime - life is good, at moment I am fine, fear of future no worse now than during last 60 years.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 Long hot shower Wed afternoon - no shower this morning, leftover burrito bowl, and falafel with on pita lunch snacks. Less bread I think.
+++++
 Tue Nov 13.18 nm
 Gloomy in a no altogether unpleasant way, combined with lovely melancholy autumn except for depressing itchy eye feel-in-in your-throat Camp fire death smoke.
 Mon don't sleep well, but keep waking up, so did sleep some - holiday - SR before 11, easy drive, smoke all the way - looking for brunch, did we stop in Windsor? Wound up in Healdsburg - checked 2-3 places, wound up with good outdoor breakfast block from central square, couple book stores back to car - north to Geyserville - explore, junk shop, coffee - a few pics - Isis center south of mina street - mural shows backroad cemetery - big! very cool old California cemetery up & down hills with concrete paths, on a ;lovely fall day, bordered with autumn-colored vineyards.
 Hungry, SR Vietnamese place on way home - wonton soup & 2 margaritas. Meh. E skint, I paid, fine.
 Easy drive home - sleep pretty well -
 Today - InDesign II class, lv ~10:45 for Nia meeting - I thought small GFX group, but ~10 peeps - interesting to see mix - but bad/sad news is she is leaving end of month - gah! for one I like her, for 3 I came in lost and she gave me direction, acceptance (WIOA), encouragement, resume support, calendars with EDD/YWCA classes, etc - so much! She has been lifeline mother mentor to me - fuck. Now I have to do the rest on my own - still, okay damned luck to get as much as I did. But shit. On way to car ran into InDesign Agnes, word came through, class cancelled for under-attendance - we hugged good-bye, see you around, maybe take it in Spring.
 Falafel snack - 20min to Oakland EDD, explain how I missed Oct 31 mtg - they put me on phone, 1.25 hour wait - explain again, she says there's a Nov 15 call to discuss - cool. Downtown drop-off/pick-up DVDs/Library (history/Hammer horror), gelato, bank, Peets, Bowl.. EDD call letter @home - dark at 5pm damn it :-P
 Wow - kind of big day - no InDesign, no Nia after Nov (one last mtg), clear up EDD biz - @Nia meeting talked to artist lady about coffee, and another woman about networking - I should get a business card with my info, just for networking.
 Yes - without Nia, on my own, self-motivate, check into Alameda 1-Stop, resume, EDD, school in 2019? Yikes. Volunteer Tues/Thur somewhere? Look into other classes?
 Still - interesting 2 days - life continues interesting. But shit - two things kept me feeling active and engaged, Nia & InDesign class gone - it's kind of a big loss - make note -
 Fill the time with valuable actions.
+++++
 Sun Nov 11.18 nm
 3-day weekend nice - up for an hour ~5, then sleep/snooze till 10am! It feels great to be well-rested..
 Sun bright, windy, sky above is blue, but smoky haze, smell of burnt debris, taste - added ice cubes to smoothie, oddly the extra sleep and cold smoothie was extra treat made me v happy -
 Sat big laundry, made bed, Plough ~6 visit Joe Becker during BB Blackbirds sound check, chatted about GFX job-hunting at our age/in these times, will share info, fb live-posted BBB sound check -
 Watched some of Holy Blood/Holy Grail - but passing out..
 Bad air, big wind, face masks, Internet sex searches.. considered Pt Reyes today until stepped outside and smelled air.. S Rosa tomorrow..
 Today good day to stay indoors, do cottage org.. so hard, so boring! Check EDD community colleges, also discuss with Nia Tuesday - a clean cottage is a happy cottage - sponger clean kitchen/bathroom floor?
 Jude cancelled Sat visit - haha - so predictable I was not even surprised, nor noted it here - means it will find it's own time - and a few piush-backs with us both being cool about it, it the path to consummation..
+++++
 Sat Nov 10.18 nm
 Fri groceries/hang out, chop side alley branches into bin size, responded to letter from EDD about missed meeting/mix up with telephone call letter - send today? Make copy? Look at EDD site to se if # to call or email contact? Lots of keeping eye on north/south fires.. heavy smoke, sun an orange disc - latge box of pretzels, sushi bento dinner.
 Nia mentioned getting on college for 2019 soon - that would be what? year of school paid for/live on unemployment/savings? Stress of having to make decision - I'll see her Tuesday morning for special meeting - temp work during school - life could get very busy overnight between school and work - so enjoy this time.. Thanksgiving week 3-4 nights in Bragg? $70/night = ~$300.. plus food and gas = ~$500 - but you know? Do it.. I can't live now to prepare for 10 years from now. Many adjustments yes - but also live while I'm young enough to enjoy it.
 64.
 Medicare in 4 months.
 SS in 16mos if I want/can etc.
 But now - school, job hunting resources, this is easy, part-time school - sleeping well - sleep ~10:45 last night, woke ~5:30 then snoozed till? *? Don't even know.. relaxed.. wank.. almost every day, I think that's good/healthy - thank you girls for memories.
 Easy day - maybe finally tidy cottage paperwork - $$ from bank - plan for Reyes Sun - look at EDD page..
 All is well, normal life stresses, anxiousness about future - normal life stress/relaxation, felt good snoozing in bed this morning - if my concerns include I may be getting too much sleep, then life is good. No real worries. Don't sweat small stuff.
 Elimination has been kind of large hard logs, kind of uncomfortable, because of more carbs, PBJs/pita, etc.. when diet was almost all salads and falafel salads it was soft/easy like it should be  - so - hm.
 Yes - comparing oneself to others is joy killer - do my best for me, my abilities, all will be well. My life.
 Oregon boobies - all boobies are nice.

+++++
 Fri Nov 9.18 nm
 When I feel sorry for myself, recall shooting victims' families, thousands of homes burned in Paradise up near Chico - not that their pain is worse, but my fears etc are not of severe kind.
 Thurs was interesting day:
 InDesign II morning but probably cancelled after next week - so that felt odd, sad
 Lv early for noon Non-Profit module @YWCA w/Claire, one other artist woman (I got her card), both older than I... interesting chat.. pushed me to reach out to BridgeSpan..
 Back to BAS for 1-Stop Nia meeting, go over resume, she approves of me moving away from matching style of active verbs etc, pushed me to look into schools that WIAO cover for Jan school year, that they might be able to pay for? Castro Valley? Have to choose a career direction? Gahh. Okay. Keep - one foot in front of other.
 Home, bring Macbook/charger to Used Computer on Adeline (?), $50 to replace - he mentions smoke from Chico & Berk Hill morning fires, I'd missed all that -
 Stop at Plough on way home, beer, grilled cheese with bacon, football - Buff & Laura appear, sit, eat, drink, catch-up - that was fun! Posted food pics to fb - proprietor noticed me posting pic and bought me a (half) beer. Nice. Buff/Laura also bought me one.
 Finished Sugarman video at home - sleep early, ~10.. up ~7:15..
 Okay - look into school and reply to EDD about missed meeting this afternoon.
 Sat maybe Sac for Jude pics?
 Paper piling up, cottage needs couple hours tidying, maybe small laundry. Groceries - need bread. This is good fun time - the future is always uncertain - I see others with 'more secure' futures and feel envy.. let that go, my life is my life, do best I can, pay attention to my own stuff, I'll be fine. Jealousy & desire are joy killers.
 L had to evac ~4am last night.. Eric also triggered by nearby fires, Paradise north of Chico apparently gone. Enjoy my life. It could end any time.
+++++
 Thu Nov 8.18 nm
 Lack of Tue sleep made Wed a wash.. YWCA to confirm non-profit module today.. groceries, bed early.. to watch movies, but macbook battery dead, charger don't work..  used computers today for replacement, being laptop to make sure prob is charger..
 InDesign II 9am, lv early for noon YWCA non-profit mtg, back to BAS for 2:30 Nia meeting check-in.. classes, resume, etc..
 More Os (3-4 in last week), which I think is good - means body rested, healthy, feeling good.. with Felecia/Lisa and others.. twosomes..
 Mon off.. long weekend.. Sat Jude for photos? Email today..
 1st Google Suite class was good! Been seeing this stuff, hearing about it - overview pulls it all together.. youtube videos sure, but being able to ask questions good!
 Shooting at bar in Thousand Oaks, 12 dead.. cop ran in, got hisself killed.. good guy with a gun.. that's L's town...
 Told Tom I can do $200 towards M&P's WV bench.. maybe more later.., I could do whole amount but this is not time to be over-generous.. exercise caution..
 I thought, Sept-Nov I am getting full pay, plus $400/wk unemployment.. plus the $3k PTO.. not flush..  but this is the time to pay into foundations.. that might include DVD player for movies.. see what Used Computers has, or ask on facebook.. or.. NetFlicks?
 Last night watched most all videos on laptop - coast splashes, Lind's pussy (she tilted to show me her ass - thank you), Gil 88 tour highlights - he was a funny fucker damn, got to spend so much time with him, wonderful.
+++++
 Wed Nov 7.18 nm
 Not much sleep - was it the Vietnamese coffee yesterday afternoon - no coffee after noon!
 Google Docs class @9:30
 Nice 1hr chat w/ Sooz last night
 Good work on resume - how do I want to present myself to someone I'm about to meet - not, how to write the way they want me to
 Today, more resume, drive to EDD near coliseum? Or is that a waste of time?
 Thur, InDesign II, YMCA non-profit group @12:00-1:30. Nia meeting 2:30..
 Email Jud - Sac mtg on Sat to view Lynn/her 1977 photos at Davis art teacher's pool? Get it done. Let it go.
 Beautiful morning..
 DJ/Buff returned one of the feral cats who was too wild and crazy..
 Not peeing in yard anymore.. no more smell..
 I photo'd almost all girls in Davis 80 music scene: Nan, Lynn, Chris Meg, Jen B, Donnie, Caroline O'R (not nude), Shelley - that was fun, and of course, because there was built-in trust, and I was connected/had some talent. My motivation was not particularly corrupt in my mind, I was not keeping a list, checking boxes - it was only years later I noted it had happened, detected possible significance in terms of what it may indicate about my place in the scene. So, yeah, it's nice to have photos of their youthful beauty. Was thinning about this in bed this morning before wank haha.
+++++
 Tue Nov 6.18 nm 2:30 Muffin & Vietnamese coffee mmm
 InDesign II, but may get cancelled -
 Mon after class dropped by Urban Ore for a knife and fork..
 New feral kitty chaos on front house, shit piss on couch and now one missing.. stressful for them..
 A bit of youtube, now hitting resume again - taking some verbiage from former workmates - duhhh smart!
 UI screw-up: Nov 1 phone call 'mtg' was not Oct 31st in-house meeting, no one to talk to on phone, got to write it all out - dang it..
 Working on resume on wk laptop so have full Word, cross checking passwords against regular laptop
 Finished watching Wrecking Crew last night, scanned ~1.75 songs Joni Mitchell live Shadow & Light, really boring filming..
 Life is good, this Autumn is beautiful I miss having Mom to talk to about weather haha but true - we talked just to hear each others' voices, and we said that to each other.
 No class Mon.. maybe.. somewhere...? look into negotiating Bragg hotels down to $50 around Thanksgiving & Christmas.
+++++
 “You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your father was.”
+++++
 Mon Nov 5.18 nm
 2nd set of classes start today - 5 mornings/wk - feels right
 Sun stopped at Nicasio, chat w/Mike about books/music - snacks - ~1hr hm to Pt Reyes - go ahead of long line at bakery - 'can I dump some coffee in this (thermos)?' put a $5 in the basket, thanks, keep change.. photos, cool old trucks to Eric & K/Vic, window reflection/vines to L - sit & sip - ~20mins to Estero lot? Not bad at all - and beautiful morning! Autumn sunny, cool -
 PBJ, hiking footwear - recently found a large windbreaker/jacket somewhere(?) - blustery, so wore it - worked well! Perfect lovely day, wanted to be out in it - been years since visited Estero, I avoid because it is not a loop (?) - but rough and wonderful, fresh air, irregular coast, and and down path no prob, knee fine - ~6miles altogether with stops for sandwich, falafel, apple etc - walk down to sunset beach would prob add up to 9 miles.. maybe Spring? Deer, birds.. abandoned cattle pads.. played with panorama pics..
 Got into good mental state once out past bridge, good workout, fresh air, lovely lights and views.. the AIR! - and memories of many trips out there, youth, good times alone and with Chris and Shelley - familiar feeling paths.. yes, used to spend a lot of quality time out there.. good times...
 Good - cleared mind - I feel as if I have not felt that/this good, that side of me in so long.. this is a vacation.. take advantage, enjoy - do not brag about it, your working friends will not appreciate - no one will sympathize with my free time.. go to school, work with Nia.. Estero..
 I was so bummed about not sleeping well Friday and not being able to make Estero.. I'd forgotten perhaps how much I truly love it - on a lovely day like Sun it is special, unique.. get out that way more.. I can be tired and still enjoy it all..
 Stopped at Nicasio for a cocktail and football after.. that was cool.. lovely area, and country music by same trio opened for AatW Summer...
 Too much sexy internet photo time - deleted all the celebrity folders I'd collected.. time to get serious about school.. it's not 50% therapy and time-filling now..
+++++
 Sun Nov 4.18 nm
 Made it - up 7:30 but daylight savings gave me extra 1/2hr, anyway, mid morning arrival at Estero is fine -
 Mid-dark mood but okay, shower, dishes, empty bins, sandwiches, falafel apple dried fruit for stroll..
 Watched more of Wrecking Crew last night, couple hits of Gil's pot and laughed outloud at George Carlin - there's a sound I have not heard in a while - my own gleeful laughter . comedians, thank you
 8:12 should arrive ~10-10:30.. fun..
+++++
 Sat Nov 3.18 things
 Sleep till 9, Nomad till ~12:45
 Yard work, weed front, clip broken blood orange branch to next door, water, pull lower branches off datura
 Saw/cut back a few limbs dead trunks in side alley
 Ladder inside, clear storage, sweep/vacuum rat turds, check space above kitchen cupboards
 Rearrange blur lights from datura to edge of cottage/fence
 Create 2-3 Pulp cover memes for fb group
 Two fb conversations about Millennials not being into collectables/Boomers criticizing them
 Double check date of GFX group meeting with Nia (Nov 13)
 Move CDs, hat, etc to car
 All-in-all just taking care of the space
 Cooked 1/2 of rice/chicken dish Stacey sent me home with (that means so much, that she is feeding me) - yum
 This is my one free weekend between classes - wanna clear mind relax - need to ask Office teacher for a bit of extra support to het books/online support going - I'm feeling a little nervous/lost because of lack of knowledge, I am naturally not gonna do the extra work, so some minor tutoring would help
+++++
 Sat Nov 3.18 nm
 Now - settled into new life - much like the old life.. cushion of severance paychecks through mid-Nov.. 10 weeks.. almost done.. also 10 weeks of $1,600/mo unemployment,, this lets me evolve away from spending.. eating out.. towards mostly home prep food.. still buying Bowl salads, burrito bowls etc.
 Couple of hats from University Goodwill..
 Last week of Berk Adult School MS Office/InDesign.. next week start 5 mornings/week MS Office repeat, Google Suite, InDesign II.. and aim for more time spent self-study.. get headphones/watch YouTube videos, study book etc.
 Finished The Witch last night - spooky!
 Roughto-no sleep last night and night before.. dunno why.. general anxiousness I guess, uncertainty etc? Life. Just a slightly constipated mind it seems. I start to believe I do not have stamina to work in fast-paced environment 40hrs/week anymore.. body slowing down, makes sense mind would slow down too.. it was unclear last year or so at work, because I attributed some mental fogginess/distraction to shock of deaths - Scott, Dad, Gil, Mom etc - as well as Gil's long-term fight - but as time passed there was still.. struggling to remember words, less mental agility.. not dementia, just not as sharp.. okay..
 So then you get Social Security and supplement w/part-time work that doesn't require fast-paced multi-tasking.. that's for youth I think.. good to target what I am able to do.. I don't think I mind.. and yeah, 2o-yr olds not gonna bond/want a 65-yr-old on their team,, I wouldn't... got all that.. move on..
 Bummed last night - knew I wouldn't sleep -, wanted to get out early for 1.5hr drive to Estero, 2-mile stroll to bridge.. maybe a bit past.. couldn't sleep.. fuck it, snoozed till 9.. try again tomorrow, whether I sleep or not.. There will be other opportunities, but I sort of want to do it now during beautiful Fall weather.. obviously some part of me is not enthused.. some of it is boring.. much is lovely! Do it :-)
 Okay.. no plans.. could do cottage work, which needs to be done! and maybe nature stroll later..
 And no I will never re-read these, but they are helpful
 Among other things, I can see how I have mentally improved gotten better happier, and how deeply shocked and painful losing job was.. you read about that stuff, but don't know how deeply disorienting and frightening it is, till you lose it - rejection, losing tribe, losing prestige...
+++++
 Wed Oct 31.18 nm
 Enjoying time off between jobs - "Between jobs" - every day forward movement - nice chat with Sooz last night.
 What did I do yesterday - not sure - not work - tired from Mon school/trip to SR & back, deep nap/wank - ~4pm downtown pizza, Goodwill on University, two $7 pairs of jeans - cool! Bowl on way home $6 burrito bowl, bread, etc - no pudding. Slow but sure evolving into eating at home and less chocolate pudding/gelato etc.
 Slow but sure getting things done - not slow even, just not rushed super-efficient work time pace - thought EDD call was today, but it's tomorrow - urgh -
 Considered Pt Reyes Estero, but don't want to spend that much time driving, through commute traffic - want this day of rest - can do Estero on weekend. Also, it's a out and back same route - need to be in mood for that... 1.5hr drive.. weekend, leave early.. 8-10 miles out and back depending.. 2 miles to bridge.. then see how knee feels.. hmp
 Watched some of Wrecking Crew movie, then ~20min of Grieving Sudden Death library vid - redundant, unfocused, difficult subject, but good to share what others experience, I was thinking Mom, but of course Scott, too, was totally unexpected and wrecked me.. at work I could barely focus for a while.. not sure it was much different than Gils death which, in spite of seeing it coming, tore up me & community.
 Memorable scene from otherwise stupid Quills; gossip is a turn-on. Today I'm thinking good to toss lots of old paper - so much paper.. move resume work onto other laptop with Office.
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