“Life's too short not to have some fun.”

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 Mon Jan 21.19 nm MLK
 Posted new profile pic, smiling at Napa wine tasting - likes, by era:
Early Berkeley - Davis Scott bands - Taylor St. - Cottage - Buzznet - Facebook/Frida...
Parri Marshall
Shelley Barnett
Sean O'Brien 
Lynn Ross
Nan Becker
Isabelle Helga de Bisschop
Stacey Malone
John Brownson
Laura Ernst
Jeff Turner
T Sterling Hart
Marqueta Bishop Fortner
Margarita Claro
DOo Fahmy
 Sun groggy, not sure why.. N call ~1-3:30 - football playoffs at Plough, corned beef/2 beers/bread pudding - red moon/eclipse -
 Sleep ~11? snoozed till 9'ish.. groggy.. rain, beer, too much time sitting around not stimulated/fresh air sunshine etc?
 New classes start in 2 weeks..
 I am blogging much less - I blogged often/redundant-subject during work/job loss stress - less now suggests less stress? Could be.
 Oh, and - sharing images with fb 'friends' some of whom I barely know or almost never contact - Lisa Cam e.g.,  - leave them alone, take care of myself, I am using them as distractions.
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 Sun Jan 20.19 nm rain
 Slept pretty well, but no breakfast - visiting, socializing, family visits seem to help serenity, and I do not seem to be experiencing "help me" save me modes
 Napa breakfast (steak & eggs) w/Lisa/Rob  - no prob finding apt, fun visiting wit Eli and their new cat - - fun, then walk around town - I like Napa! Visited CIA (Culinary Arts Inst), museum of cooking ware and giant moon, plus bridges - wine tasting - gave me 3 bottles of wine (2 for Buff/DJ) - photos, selfies etc. Easy drive there & back -
 ~5pm follow-up call from Shirley - continue talk about my job loss/computer classes - she asked if there were any plans to put her in home - I thought hard & said no - not really, tho M may have said S might be more open to idea after hospitalize for UTI - we both said Tom maybe power of attorney? I can imagine M being pushy about it and Shirley reacting badly. She also brought up pain killers - doctors fearing to give necessary meds - that some people wind up getting them illegally - so subject broached - I'll leave it to her to decide how much detail to give -but it was good to talk w/her - she was clear and coherent -
 No dinner, low energy - jelly beans and goldfish .. but seem to have slept well
 and casual slow wake up, gentle hand, several memories - small breasted cute art girl I watched slides with night before visiting Jane in LA - snug hug goodbye with my erection between us, and her slight hesitation as she left - if situation had been diff - this morning I offered massage, seduction, slowly, return massage and 69.. nice
 "In my mind we make love in shower. Mmmh i can imagine you sucking me under the water - is so hot so exciting! I call you by your name and ask you more."
 Call w/N in an hour - eat, shower, chill - sew - yesterday long, driving/new person - I can chill today - socializing wears me out, Shirley call fraught - important thing is I'm doing it!
 Long IM w/Nur this morning - been a while, and we reconnected, as wall as comfort of erotic connection.
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 Sat Jan 19.19 nm
 Up early for Napa - shower/bkfst/pack food - ~1hr drive -
 Sharing Nina Hagen/Ari up nude photo
 I think I slept well last night - ~11-~6:30.. 3 hits of cannabis, but also took care of classes other procrastination actions - if I want to sleep well and be serene, do what needs to be done in a timely fashion. Get it done and behind me. Sleep well. Yes.
 Learn.
 Mark L called it "forced retirement" - yes, that's about how it feels..
 Shier lye did not call back like she said she would - no prob - call her again Sun morning? She sounded good.
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 Fri Jan 18.19 NBerk Peets 1:43
 Time between jobs, getting enough sleep, less stress - this blessed time to spend better quality time w/ in-laws, getting closure on stuff like 77nudejudelynn pool pics & Nan insight, Tom presence.. all good - I let Gui know printer not gonna work, he said give away, into morning class thought offer to teacher, did - he then asked if I "have a brother" and turns out he worked with BOSS/Boona etc. Cool. Connections - small & big.
 Signed up for 4 classes: Photoshop, MAC basics, Website Design (afternoon), video editing (evening).. good stuff, latest PShop on Mac, website Design I can start mine. Yes. Doubtful WIOA will pay - but look into it. Paid for classes with unemployment card.
 Sat Lisa in Napa, Sun coast with big surf?, Mon maybe Eric.
 Among other things.. a budget not a bad idea.. looking long-term may help me focus on stuff like $5 daily coffee = almost $2K/yr. That has to stop. Budget plan will help.
 Signing up for classes was a big procrastination - good to have done. EDD modules - apply to EDD for CTG school support/unemployment extension in case I also go to later Spring semester. But - plan is, ~March start serious job-hunting. Meantime, keep keeping my life together.
 **
 Called Shirley & good chat, she clear/sharp, offered $ support, I said I'm fine but if need help will reach out
 Signed up for classes
 Gave Gui's printer to Office instructor (who worked w/Tom & Boona)
 Called Verizon & changed to less expensive plan (5G vs. 10G & less for tablet)
 Walked to Bowl for groceries
 Confirmed Napa visit, timing, address
 Opened Mary's sandwich wrap present - interesting!
 General cottage tidying
 IM w/J about L, sent her 1st bathroom semi-nude (from J's bathroom)
 Paperwork org'd a bit - Medicare papers, cards, tax stuff.. do I need to print from UltiPro? Or will they mail it to me? I'll need to pay taxes of fb photo & Mom's estate - maybe it will balance out the usual refund? Fingers crossed.
 Anyway - good stuff done, days a little longer, sun a little higher, air clean from big rain, slightest hint of warmer weather in the air today..
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 Thu Jan 17.19 nm 3:00pm
 Heavy procrastination continues
 Heavy rain
 Waking ~4am
 Wed after 11:30 Google apps class, Davis for fun rainy drive/walk to Thai lunch w/Marge&John - always good to see them - drove past memorial where lady cop was gunned down :-( also hung w/Mark, trying to get JH's bday pictures off thumb drive, onto their MACs and printed.. they are all so welcoming, plain we are glad to see each other/re-bond/reconnect -
 IM w/K about *n.. clearing - 1-time, no path forward
 Choose classes now - sew etc later.. open Mary's present envelop sandwich bag, email Gui about printer (didn't work), artist painter lady.. get things done before Napa trip to se Lisa Sat. Then EDD page for modules/schedule to talk to someone about CTG/unemployment.
 Physically feeling better, flexible, good energy, knees stronger.
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 Mon Jan 14.19 hm 6pm
 Wed Davis
 Sat Napa
 Sun talked to N ~6hrs
 After class today, drive to Alameda Comm college to check out 1-Stop office - met new people, possible BAS person - talked many things, good intro - a bit of a template in their words, but okay naturally - there's a program downtown Oakland for online marketing - interesting - I have to work out School/unemployment with EDD, WIOA may help.. okay..
 Good to have that done - then IM w/K about N
 Hungry and dehydrated now - salad/water than Sooz call ~7
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 Sun Jan 13.19 nm
 Let go of the hippie dream - serene meditating Indian clothes-wearing chicken-raising rough shack-living above ocean - live best I can learning from all life provides..
 Accept help..
 Give and accept love..
 Breath.. eat good food..
 Take care of my living space, including car & neighborhood... be a good neighbor..
 Dial back my personality a bit.. it's big and wants attention.. and sometimes, but not all times, that works for those around me..
 N calling at 10.. this will bring clarity..
 Chicken pot pit, 1.5 beers & football at Plough last night
 Woke up dreaming about applying for WIOA $$ for 2019 BAS classes - Alameda WIOA office Mon..
 Visit Lisa & bf in Napa next Sat
 
Marge/John Davis Wed after class
 Sign up for BAS classes today
 Resume on EDD site, and monthly calendar, modules..
 Website for my work
 Sitting around, sipping tea, not trying to change world or be extra-productive.. that is retirement.. it's not lazy, it's what we all want... out of work-mode.. feels good
 Sean O'Brien at Ivy room this afternoon ~4.. cool..
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 Sat Jan 12.19 nm
 Fri Organized cassette tapes, I seem to be doing one chore/day..
 N call Sun am - my thoughts all a'jumble.
 What my life will be if I do not work for next year - laying around every day & night with face in laptop - I can do better. Live life fully. People are difficult - religion is a solution for some people. Not a cure-all - I am not failing because I don't do church. I have my own mainstream views on the matter - also, I may die at any moment.
 Wake up.
 Being forced to face facts is good.
 Switching from looking to future, to looking toward end is a huge change! But it is evident, if I keep my energy lively, keep active, this may be the beginning of a new exciting creative phase. I have time, if I want to use it. Up to me. No one will judge my actions and work except myself. It's up to me. I can be my own victim, or my own success.
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 Fri Jan 11.19 Telegraph Peets 1:30
 Fighting massive procrastination.. fear-based - winter hibernation, too - Thurs afternoon in bed.. got a start on cottage org, then stalled.. such simple things.. don't wanna move, don't wanna be in uncertain reality.. wanna just sit still here, be my do-nothing self.. imagine a few years form now being in a good job in a better place.. imagine..
 Visit w/N was a big deal/impact, shaken things up, re-jiggered everything I thought was true, including what I thought I wanted/want.. tentative plan to talk Sun morning..
 Possibly $2K/mo SS -
 Sposed to rain all next week -
 PROCRASTINATION . stressing me out, waking ~4am and restless till 7:30.. hmp
 Thu pm walked to Bowl, on way back dinner at new Indian corner spot Stacey suggested..  treat to myself for getting cottage things done -  $20.. it was good!
 Cottage:
 Some file box org
 Pile of paper weed out and org
 Tried to start Gui's printer.. nope, not working, paper jamming, etc.. would not find my wifi.. fuck it.. put in trunk - bumming me out taking up space and futile
 Moved slide projector/8mm cam beneath bed (next other cams currently beneath nook shelf)
 I'm doing not much, face in laptop for hours and hours, hours at Nomad, eating bagels & eggs, smoothies.. no no no.. there is an idealized inhuman hippie image I pursue that disappears far from my fingers - it is not true. It is a lie. Do what I can now in real time. Just do the best I can. Don't set unrealistic goals. I am certain I can do better than I am now, just getting things done, which will recue stress/make me healthier, happier, more likely to feel positive, put off positive vibes, succeed. Do it. The anxiety is making me unbalanced. Feeling of weakness and failure is making me withdraw from socializing. All in all there is no win from the deep procrastination - I can have it all, have both - enough sleep, and also not evade life chores.
 Do it baby, do it - the win is to do it!
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 Wed Jan 9.19 nm 2:20pm
 Class.. things to do today.. $5K on unemployment card.. $11K checking etc..
 Home now to work on printer, appt for dermatologist, sew Mexican shirt button holes, etc.. move screen/8mm camera under bed.. all good stuff, good to have done..
 Work more on Patreon page.. hard to get started, but it has to start, and with small steps.. I am good, talented, likable, intelligent..  go..
 Go!
 Beginning to come down off */San Carlos visit high. Some was just lovely affectionate momentum, but there are decades of tension beneath, that factors in majorly, is hard to define, separate. Probably one 1-time thing. In which case it is private.
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 Tues Jan 8.19 nm 2pm
 Morning InDesign class
 Mon pm showered/made lunch so I can get a bit more sleep before class -
 Feeling a crazy delusional (?) sense of possibilities, making a bit of extra $$ online with Fridas/Photoshop montages etc - at least try! Ask for ideas, support.
 Small steps last night - slides dumped from carousel at Jude's reinserted - typed list of things to do - now headed home to put things beneath bed call derma people (and blood work?), other cottage stuff - it's hard to go into dark/cold cottage - want to stay "out", but getting stuff done to org life will help - maybe part of cottage avoidance is it reminds me of errands undone - so, do some and yes better. Then walk and play with weights.
 And make website. Hahahah
 Feeling weirdly good - I should be in a constant state of panic, guilt, etc - that can also make me freeze - making web site, working with state agencies, getting face skin looked at, choosing classes for Spring and asking WIOA to see about approving more unemployment etc - tall these life things give me  a sense of direction and possibilities.
 I am so lucky - healthy, no bad habits, no debt, some good habits (food/hygiene), a network, talent
 Yesterday on way home I told myself this negative energy I cling to from youthful impressions of who I am, how damaged I am, how weak or unlovable - this is normal human stuff - I have lots of strengths and talent, I'm a good person. Let's go activate and expand and build on all that to do great things, love and thrive. I have nothing to lose. Time neigh has passed I begin to move past last bad year at work/bad bosses - I'm great, and they were wrong. Fuck'em.
 Yay Robert! I have nothing to lose by trying to make some $$ with my art. Do that page where people support artists.
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 Mon Jan 7.19 nm 3pm
 Class this morning went okay - trying to do some CalJobs etc at nm but wifi in and out
 Thinking about marriage, I would bring weakness/pain, promise to learn to love myself, recognize my power - have to let go of it's easiest to see myself weak, ask for help - which rarely comes from asking - it arrives when people see me honestly trying -
 Maybe visit Marge/John in Davis Wed?
 Getting a little weird w/Egyptian fb web friend - talking about beautiful women's feet, she sent pic (not of her) - thought hmm, just.. what? Tease? Just have feeling I ought to be careful. I need not bring drama into my life.
 Getting back into school schedule after 2 weeks loose and floppy feels good - that was a good vacation.
 Lunch w/Stacey Sun - talked lots of stuff, N visit, missing Gil - still thinking he'll come back - events of the day he died, what happened after he stopped breathing.. there is a blank period I think - were we hugging crying, don't know.. maybe..
 Starry Plough Bowie cover band Sat - Geoff Ball welcomed me soon as I arrived, praised him for saying on fb he was suffering from depression ("You did the right thing. To say so."), and Joe Becker, still like I GFX job hunting, Jeff Yih I barely know, said every time I see him I have to place him.. I apologized, said I was embarrassed. Joe & I had good talk, about his skills, job-hunting, remembering/catching up on Davis folk, about Scott & Gil's deaths. "Scott & I were more like collaborators. You two were brothers." Fun little reunion of sorts, grateful for fact that I live so close to Plough, to walk over, see acquaintances, now becoming friends, from 1980-84.. a lousy 35yes+ ago. Good stuff.
 A few more things today - Derma appt, try to get Gui's printer working.. watch Same Time Next Year, skim end of Jerry Rubin book. Put projector under bed.
 Connect to WIOA and Alameda office etc, my new case worker replacing Nia. Plenty to do to hopefully secure financial aid/unemployment during Spring schooling.
 Look further into that site where you do work and people support you. Make my thing photoshop montages. Ulterior histories. Sure.
 Choose classes for Spring - Photoshop, Web Design, more Excel (?) - typing?
 Talk to WIOA BAS office this week.
 So, good: Visit Lynn's friend Jude to see photos, good visit w/Nan unexpectedly comfortable, got old artsy photos from Isabelle DeBischiop (sp?) such a fine memory, Sat Plough visit Joe/Davis peeps (up till ~11, 3 beers, live video soundcheck. 2 songs), Sun Stacey meal, may visit Marge/John Wed - hard core laying around during long holidays - back to school feels good. I'm feeling clear and good, maybe less anxiety, having rested, doing all I can, seeing landscape clearly.
 Lots of rain this weekend, good to be inside - 7hrs at Nomad Sat!
 Wifi slow and cutting out - 3:30 - overcast - head home get things done anyway. Enjoy this time out, between jobs, to re-train - looking at companies that outsource part-time contract work, look like pretty shitty non-stop boring jobs.
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 Sat Jan 6.19
 Fri almost all day in bed - felt good
 Set alarm for 7:30am for road rip in wind/rain.. body said no way, woke at 9am.. oh, dear.. haha
 Asked Isabelle Db for pics of from out shoots - have been asking for years!! - she sent 2 - nothing special, but good to have it done - again we said how fond we are of those  memories, shooting in hot Davis fields, migrant camps, sexy fun serious work, Nan visit brought closure, Jude visit re pool pics w/L.. good stuff.. clear things up.. Egyptian fb acquaintance had liked shirtless hippie pics, after days of distraction mentioned and asked if she was interested - in hippies yes, in my 70s selfies no. Good. Be straightforward, own my feelings, clear things up. Being suddenly jobless, facing realities of age, finances, survival; no time for nonsense, pride, illusions -
 K arriving Jan 31 for 2 weeks w/B.
 Lynn @Jude's for father's memorial
 Talked to K about what to tell * about *. Wait till things are clear.
 Nothing wrong with a massage and nice handjob - for lots of people that's a first date.
 Much to do - but this is vacation, I have earned, and need - enjoying this time off yay. Pat on back, arm around shoulders, kiss, love myself.
 ~1982 so skinny! 28yrs old? Gah...

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 Fri Jan 5.19 nm
 38yr old guy died in apt fire on Shattuck, smoke inhalation, a few night's ago - slept through engines and road closed down.. but makes me aware of vulnerability, impermanence etc.
 Chat w/* re WEF, importance, uncertainty, deciding to not do Bragg partially recognizing importance of WEF.
 Thurs didn't do much again - enjoyed time off, did I drive to noberk? haha don't even know - Bowl for salad, falafel, burrito - nice day, but not feeling inclined to drive to coast or anything - chill out at home seems extra good
 Will it be more difficult to go back to 40hr wk work? Yes. Might it wind up as part-time sub-contract with no benefits? Could, yes -
 Is there a bit of $$ to be made online?
 Adjusting to new circumstances.. possibly all of 2019 without job.. possibly..
 Slept last night ~11-8:30.. felt/feel good.. stress dream smoking pot in art class, dirty look but no words from teachers (?) as I leave, can't find car keys, not sure where car is parked (outside UCD art dept)..
 now? Noon - Olampoli? Tilden? nice CA winter day - get out..
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 Thu Jan 4.19 nm
 No Bragg - not wise, esp when it's gonna rain.. have to save $$ for potential peak experiences_ March whale watching?
 Sleep, sleep in.. laundry done and 4 days to chill and be productive - I like it
 Installed AdBlock (at Tom's suggestion) - seems to be working! CNN said I need to override AB to see their page - oohh - so there's a good benefit, too! No more CNN!
 N msg'd about visit being good, busy, will reach out later
 Lovely day! Sunny, blue - see if Marge/John want short visit? Eric not free till 3, so no -
 Good to sleep in cleaned bedclothes - my anxieties about future are normal and need not be seen as unenlightened or whatever - some hippie "who needs money" dream..  "Well, it comes in real handy down here, bud!"
 But yes, wonderful life, adventures, people I've helped, difficulties overcome, pain survived..
 And the occasional miracle.
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 Wed Jan 2.18 laundry 6pm
 Drove to BAS for 1st day after holiday week.. oops - empty parking lot! Closed this week!... 5 days.. thinking Thu-Sun Bragg.. Hotel, gas, food ~$350-400... just paid rent & COBRA.. that's ~$1,200.. ouch.. this is how life will be as I watch savings fade.. prob ~$6K left in unemployment.. oh, my.. I should, because I can.. not many empty 4-5 day spans coming up, when hotels cheap.. cost me an extra $50 to stay in the place I like..
 Feels odd after all day w/Nan no follow-up, she busy, that's how it is_ don't overthink_!
 Chill today, online, NBerk Safeway/Whole foods for fruit/bread/eggs, gas up, laundry..
 These chill days are great! Bills paid, no debt, Medicare in 2mos, decent savings, SS in ~14mos.. could be worse.. things go wrong, you deal_
 Short call w/Sooz last night -seems like signal getting worse_ also talked to Jude, seems cool/friendly_
 No xmas card at all this year - used to be Mom/Kristine/Shirley.. Joan? Card/box of candy from Shirley_ give her thank you call_
 Berk Bowl closed a few days! Today realized how much I rely on it! Maybe look for other Mediterranean/falafel source for these closed periods.
 Okay - unexpected 4-5 days off - a visit to Davis would be good, and to Eric.. but.. this is a thing for me, myself and I - after 10 days free, 4 more will be healing.. my knee no longer hurts.. something good is going on..
 A voice of caution says I should not go, should be purely frugal going forward from here on in - yet, soon as I was walking away from empty school, my mind went to Bragg.. live, hope for best, accept consequences... I have earned this.. by 40years of work and school..
 Looks like rain and wind Sat Sun.. if I drive up Thu, stay Fri, drive home in rain Sat or Sun? Doesn't sounds like a good use of resources.. $200 hotel, $50 gas, $100+ food_
what's there to do down here - visit John/Marge, Olampoli, SF(?) - school/EDD/resume/sewing/Gui's copier, job related errands I've been avoiding... I have plenty to do.. will decide.. waiting for better weather might be wise.. yes.. be wise..
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 Tues Jan 1.2019 nm
 Mon slept in/napped after long Nan visit day, downtime is okay this time of year - ~6pm Plough burger, 2 beers, basketball, soundchecks..
 Huge snip here about N visit - long conversations about many topics/our lives in detail
 Nice to have these days of doing nothing- guilt-free- immediate future okay- successful connections with Jude/Lynn 70s pool photos, all day Nan visit in San Carlos and good easy conversation- successful hang-out at Dickens Fair/xmas day movie w/Buff & DJ - at a time when I am looking at uncertain future, and human contact becomes additionally important - it's good to see I can get overcome my toxins.
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 Mon Dec 31.2018 nm
 Visit Nan in San Carlos Sun afternoon (she visiting her Mom)_ lunch, coffee in car, stroll park_ California Winter, cool, bright sun, pleasant_ discussed everything, past, present, told her about Jude/Lynn pool photo share, Davis, parents, plays, age, jobs, ALRN/GT, Gil, Scott's women, etc.. easy drive there & back...
 Just checked finances/bank accounts_ all things remaining equal, in reasonably good shape for year_ I am saving by not being generous, no daily commuting/BART, not eating out - lunch, despite weight of age, need to take every available step in job hunt_ because, who knows? there might be a couple of positions for someone with my skills, my age - being present/ showing competence could make me choice_ also, I want to show myself I can do it, with integrity, even if I do not 'win', want to be able to look back without regret, that I did all I could_ even as I observe unhappy sleeplack faces/traffic jams of unemployed_ it's my personal responsibility to do all I can_
 Bit tired, school Wed_ class schedule should be out, sign up... contact WIOA peeps, visit Alameda office_ look into YMCA/EDD modules - research necessary steps to get financial school support, extra $10K unemployment benefits nothing to sneeze at, do not act cocky/neglect_
 This has been a good break_ get busy_
 Windy..9:45_ get out anyway, I think I slept enough last night_ walk anyway_
 Or maybe I get home and need napping.. free days.. very nice... no school, enough sleep_

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 Sun Dec 30.2018nm
 Gville, Sonoma coast briefly Sat - short visit to tired-out Eric, weary.. home ~6? stayed up till ~10, tired, not enough dinner/food, anxious morning - worrying about old age poverty, etc - the usual. Get used to it. Find a church or group to talk.
 Nan asked if today was free, this morning I said yes, lunch? She said 'Yes!' but now has disappeared without sending address. Sigh.
 Berkeley street poet Bubble Lady Julia Vinograd died 73..posted, brought out comments by my early Berkeley contacts, Donna Bystricki and Parri K. 1973, 45yrs ago.
 Looks like N back on IM.. see what she says. I'm hungry and cranky.
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 Sat Dec 29.18 gville 11am
 Up ~7, shower, smoothie pack food etc_ for a drive to coast to clear mind_ so far, so good_ mind full of Thurs SacJ connection, processing connection, nudes, youth, shared artistry.. bring let in_ was this also part of the healing of Lynn's disappearance ~1980? I thought we were friends, then she split.. confirming my worthlessness as friend..
 Anyway, contemplating it all, trying to recall their bodies in photos, other history, noticed unfamiliar 101/, I had passed SR and River Rd off ramp_ drove through Windsor doubled back to River Rd no problem_ beautiful clear cold bright sun morning_ walk around gville a bit_ Sonoma coast & backroads?
 -----
 3:30pm
 Walk around gville, bridge, flea market, slide street, hippie food store, beach - hung by 'wine garden' how it is transformed 1x a yr into special celebratory place - maybe in future volunteer? Juevos Rancheros/aqua fresca @Mexican place @Fernwood asked about 2019 fest and why no bldgs on beach.. did not ask about unemployed discount..
 Monte Rio, filmed penny flip into river for K&X, ocean for 30mins or so, but no energy... tired.. just wanna sit.. lv soon, stop @SR hi to Eric.
 follow-up IMs w/Jude.
 Double-check, but certainly no school news years eve or day.. should I even consider an overnight in Bragg? Save $$ for better weather/longer days...
 Randy got back, says most jobs are tech or ones no one wants - truck drivers - yeah, it's bleak out there. Keep at school - good resume then put it out there and see if one of my contacts has something. If I live to 88, well then I'm fucked. :-D I'm in a pretty good space - successful friend-building with Jude is cheering. Normal gloom, but life is good. Keep living frugally, and in a year I'll have SS. Poor - but not completely fucked financially. Article today how most people olive paycheck to paycheck - even with 'good' jobs, and how older folks are frightened by churning stock market.
 Point being: it's not that I fucked up - it's capitalist USA that fucks people. There is no 'Win' for most of us. Weak and infirm are left by side of trail.
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 "Of course it was great to enjoy the striking beauty of your bodies/faces/body language - thank you for that -,
  But as much or more, the history, context - cultural/artistic - & the energy between you & Lynn, etc
  Altogether a complete, remarkable experience"

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 Fri Dec 28.18 nm 12:30
 Lynn's friend J IMd Wed pm, Thurs open for Sac visit to see photos_ thought about it, and yes. Excited, did not sleep well_ past churned and bubbling deep below surface_
 Lv 9:30, (in respect to my sexualized college-era memories brought toiletry kits/V - just in case, tho 100% unlikely), windy cold bright sunny winter morning_ easy 1.45hr drive, nice little suburban East Sac neighborhood_ pretty comfy and casual, we've had years of consideration, and more recently sporadic IMs. She said only pics of Lynn, none of her - I said of course - it is her life/house, etc.; I had prepared my attitude. Trust building. Moderate drive to nice lunch, she paid/me tip, salmon and lots of talk. All talk all time - our lives from childhoods, schools through college, divorces, to now. Almost forgetting core purpose of visit; it was there - Lynn & her pool photos_ but needn't any more focus.
 Set up my projector and foamcore_ looked at her shots of Lynn_ mostly head and shoulders in green pool, short almost white hair_ what beautiful boyish features and skin! I barely noticed lack of bits_ pool itself, cultural context, teacher who owned it., 70s nudity freedom, art school was forefront. Then I went back through; I guess (based) on my comments, focus, not being a horny jerk she decided to help me out, generously picked out ~8 slides of herself by Lynn/others. Heavens yes, she was stunning, confidence of movement and well as lovely body/face/skin. Also small portfolio of her pro photos, b&ws by Lynn/others - some coy nudes.
 2:30, we had discussed possibly Duane Michaels show in Sac, but maybe intensity of meeting/talking/photo sharing_ after sharing/seeing photos it was time for a break, to breath_ process etc.
 In retrospect, as I thought, it had  - among other things - to do with missing out, being left out, esp between L&*, that they left me, another photographer from that era, out of their scene, that hurt my feelings. They had no obligation to share images of their bodies with me - it was between them - but I desired the trust, and, after ~ 10years I earned it. I wanted to see how they shot each other, knowing their work now, and also simply wanted to enjoy the nudity.
 So cool.
 Drive home not bad, stopped in Davis, called Marge, no answer, dropped by way out of town, no one there.
 At home, burned out from lack of sleep & driving, but talked to Sooz for ~1.5hrs, laptop fucking up so used phone mostly. Dang.
 Work laptop got white screen, sound like messed up fan - need to back up both laptops, and maybe price used laptops.
 Forced myself to sleep in, up ~6 for internet_ then snooze till 10. Anxious about future, cry out in fear anxiety about unfairness of life. kicking myself for not putting $$ into 401K. My choice. Live with it. No useless regrets.
 "My thoughts about your beauty, in all aspects, are always here in my mind,
  Even when it is not spoken, you can rely on them when you need to be reminded that you are beautiful."

 Followed up w/* this morning re yesterday's photo share_ that it was good, healing, complete, remarkable -  especially fun, for both of us!
 Last 1-week severance check in bank today. Scary, but one better than none.
 Maybe I should start an excel budget  - how to do it?
 If today I can spend some time on CalJobs site, check BAS course list, and set up derma appt, that'd be a day well spent!
 Socializing this holiday: Dickens fair and movie DJ&Buff, call Shirley/Marge, visit Jude, and IMs w/various, plus more than usual uploads to fb - mostly good stuff.
 Sent xmas eve Telegraph & Ashby rainbow to Berkeley online news service and they used it on title of page - fun!
 Assuming I have ~$80K in bank, and more unemployment coming in, I am good for at least a year. Relax. Do school, then job hunt_ who knows what might happen. Someone  might say, set up a $2K workstation at home, and we will send you work. Who knows?
 I am glad to note, I did not desire to have pics from yesterday to take home_ the seeing was enough.
 I have been blessed with closure events: visiting childhood home for 1st time in 50years, online connections with old friends/crushes (e.g., Chrissie which lead to Frida/gun, LR's intense photo/word exchanges), John Henry's birthdays, this week's Davis pool photo reconnection_ because it's important to me, I pursued them...
+++++
 Wed so far hm 6:30pm
 Return all library DVDs/books
 All tapes from car to cottage
 All papers/magazines/class/unemployment etc from side of bed, gone through, toss junk mail, stacked_ gonna need some organizing between info to save, and what actually need day-to-day_
 Referrals pulled out for call Thurs
 Booked WEF hotel_ $171/night_ all things remaining equal will need to cancel, but since no way to tell, booked
 IM'd w/English-speaking Egyptian fb person DOo, she liked hippie Robert pic from SoChas, I sent 2 cropped hippie pics_ now leave it be! Avoid unnecessary complications.
 2 falafel balls & hummus, 1/2 burrito bowl_ salad later tonight
 Jude just IM'd about maybe visiting Sac for Duane Michaels show and 'Vault'_ pics she & Lynn took of each other. Might be a good time.
+++++
 Wed Dec 26.18 backyard 1pm
 Slept in a bit_ been sleeping ~11-5, then snoozing till I feel like getting up_ my knee is better_ getting enough sleep is good_
 Work is so lousy: bosses, lack of sleep, constant pressure to do more better - they need fear of homelessness and hunger to spur you into it.
 Long holidays, too much time so you worry about future_ old age = poverty, loss of exuberance etc - normal.
 I have some white male class entitlement_ after 20yrs at Bain I deserve something_ but it ain't that way.
 Yes, it helps to write it down/say outloud.
 North Berkeley Xmas & today, French hotel for coffee_ sunny, moderately cold but okay. Drop books/DVDs (unwatched/unread) at library.
 Note that ~$5 gets me a fancy coffee drink; ~$6 gets me a burrito bowl that lasts for 2 meals. Coffee has to go_ or just get small house coffee. But tea at home would save me hundreds/year.
 And yeah_ slowly cutting through fog of spending habit: I need to start saving my pennies now.
 Called Shirley in hospital Tues_ I did most of talking - naturally, but not much to ask her about, she in hospital in poor health etc. Still, I called and we talked. Do it more often. Glad she did not die before we touched base, for my sake_ in my mind me & sibs will have closer relationships in some imagined future, but that is a dream. Do it now or never.
 Considered drinking more during holidays to help with fears/anxieties_ but no_ doesn't help, and to drink enough to help leaves me feeling physically ill. So, thankfully, no.
 Considered calling Tom about going out for drink/meal? But.. hmm. Something light we can do? Drinking is out.
 Xmas went to 4pm 'Welcome to Marwen' w/Buff/DJ_ went smoothly, enjoyed quite a bit_ there was a message about not glamorizing women too much (?)_which made me contemplate n; Bottom line I have a sexual fixation, that's mine to own, I do not want a relationship with her_ she owes me nothing, esp if it causes her discomfort; I compared L&I, she was anxious for a sexual relationship beyond writing & photo exchange, I was not interested, I did not owe her my body nor owe her overlooking my mental and physical discomfort.
 Let it go. It may not be a deep friendship, but it is a friendship of sorts_ we are both broken, somewhat toxic, we hurt people by wanting attention but being well-defended. So there is no sexual relationship available_ she will not pose nude for me in her hotel in order to give me closure, make up for a missed 3rd step. So let all sexual stuff go - redirect it toward * where there is a possibility of honesty and fulfillment.
 No WEF this year.
 And Jazz/Blues? Been thinking one last $1K, but that's not acknowledging reality - $1K is a lot of food, rent, clothing etc.
 Got a list of things to start today if I can get 2/3rds of them done, maybe can do an overnight to Bragg? $200. I can allow for that but maybe better to wait till weather is better - find out when winter rates end. Find out if I book Davis hotel what is cut off date for cancel and get refund.

+++++
 Up to me, not to say outloud, or expect someone else to share their life - but to know in my heart I'm okay, to make conscious effort to maintain, eat regularly and nutritiously, count blessings_ accept wholesome comforts_ music, memes etc_
 Been planning and planning to call Shirley yesterday, to day, tomorrow_ she's in hospital now.. live with my decisions_
+++++
 Mon Dec 24.18 nm
 Dreams this morning_
 In hospital bed/sick bed_ doc comes in start laying out tools including syringe_ I'm not happy about that_ talking to woman there, turns into TSA, she shows me soft, silver-dollar-size nipple wi/green, dk green, blue shading; I say like national Geographic map, point touch, she recoils, then lets me touch like a map, gentle touching starts, arms around her, she pulls close, both of us hugging, I'm surprised she is snuggling close, I nuzzle, nibble earlobe, lightly kiss back of neck - all mouth and nose nuzzle, no hands or below neck fondling beyond hugging_
 So that was a surprise_ I ought not overreact, I've always known there's underlying sexuality (prob 'cause of relations)_ this is the first time it's appeared_ we've been quiet lately. It's okay.
 Sad yesterday_ and this morning a bit, missing Mom and Dad etc_ natural_ have to learn to live with it_ happiness and sadness living side-by-side_ but don't wallow_ it'll come on its own much enough_
 Made it to Dickens Faire 12-5 Sun_ that was fun! Easy drive, $13 parking, lots of music, dancing, singing, short Gilbert & Sullivan Opera (Trial by Jury), shops were not obnoxious (nor were actors with accents)_ $15 (?) beef sandwich, $9 coffee/cookie_ yikes! Hungry - home/walk to Plough: football/ corned beef plate/1 beer.
 Gonna rain this afternoon - so mainly cottage stuff, Nomad closed Xmas & next day_ but feeling okay now_ keep over this week.
 Driving to Cow Palace Sun, saw Salesforce Tower_ some nostalgia for people, bad feelings about last year, damaging to self-confidence_ my strengths were invalidated and shut-down. So I had to compete in areas not my strengths_ sigh. This is reality_ I got lucky for 20yrs, combination of new tech and looseness of company while they grew from 2nd tier to top. It was a good ride, I learned a lot, enjoyed a lot, benefited a lot, built up social security/unemployment benefits. I will survive one way or another. It may be in a nasty gov't transient hotel in a crappy town_ but I'll survive. I am not going to be allowed to die like a dog on the street.

+++++
 Sun Dec 23.18 nm
 Whoa some real holiday sadness this morning_ tearless weepy in shower, Mom & Dad are dead, remembering childhood Christmases, childhood sadness, also trying to recall childhood happiness, being fed/housed etc.; that all humans have sadness.
 maybe from finishing off Shirley's square cake-candies plus a container of chocolate pudding last night, and no much dinner (1/3 burrito) -  uh, yeah - watch that - eat meals!
 Sleep ~11-4 than up ~8_ Buff/DJ put me on guest list for Dickens Faire today_ head down ~11_ have pbj/apple/dried figs_ 30 drive? $13 parking..
 Have my list_ mornings are saddest time_ work on strategies. Whatever happens, I'll deal with it. It sucks, but I've survived/thrived before.
 Olema ~1998_ 20 years ago!
 
+++++
 Sat Dec 22.18 nm
 Um_ some holiday gloom? Short damp days - but longer from now on yay
 Have list of things to do this week off school:
 Derma appt
 Blood appt
 Pay Flex/COBRA
 Meet artist woman for coffee
 CalJob site resume etc
 Call about getting less expensive phone contract
 Get printer working
 Look at MS site for self-training teacher recommended
 Call Shirley
 Tidy car/trunk/cassette tapes
 Email WIOA people about new counselor & if state might pay for  BAS
 Feels better to have that list; nothing on it is not doable_
 Sore back/stiffness from too much sitting around_ walk more_ Tilden_ whatever
 Fri after morning class: downtown book store/read Spillane (all-powerful man who wins in end), $9 wonton soup @Vietnamese place, stroll up to campus, groceries (eggs/fruit/burrito/salad)_
 So much sitting around, I begin to envy people: with family, activities_ but grass always greener_ raising kids no fun_ no sleep_ keeping myself together, body and soul is a thing_ a big lump who plays with visual arts, and is in school_ if I need a self-image, it is that I am in school, and preparing myself mentally & physically for a different phase in life_ that is it now. This is good.
 Spending too much time online arguing/trolling out of sheer boredom - no more. Reached out to Lindy, we said let's stay in touch, but she seems to have gotten terse, backed of_ like before? She does not get what she wants, feels disappointed/holds back, or did she read/see something here she didn't like? I wish she lived closer so we could hang and get used to each other in real life. As-is, she is still sexualized in my mind. K busy with cool animated snow flake projections_ paid! Nice!?
 I have avoided decision, but think WEF is out this year_ or_ I could book room, and cancel? Call hotel, ask cancellation policy. $400 for hotel_ that's a lot of groceries. Hmp. Hmp.
 Have sexy Mekka pics out, deleting few at a time, lightening, directing, enjoying. Still kinda blown away/impressed by her, but slightly frightened, and don't see any opening for rapprochement/connection.
 Now_ home_ prep food_ Tilden stroll_ ?
 Curves of beautifully proportioned body. Worship.
+++++
 Tue Dec 18.18 nm
 Notes this morning (along with anxiety about WIOA paying for school in Spring/some insomnia):
 My life now is school, I get up every morning on time, make breakfast smoothie (banana/2 eggs/hemp milk), shower (no shower today, shaved in kitchen sink), pack lunch (pbj, falafel/hummus, dried figs, apple), dress nicely, pack laptop, hang at Nomad.
 I'm not doing much cottage clean, putting off printer experiment, sitting at Nomad/sitting in bed too much (back beginning to get stiff) - but that's nothing new.
 Point is, I'm doing my life right, I can't do anything about retirement savings at the moment; just live my life now, healthy, responsible adult, keeping my mood good and accepting anxieties/fears etc that come into all lives, while focusing on beautiful things in life. Doing my best with other humans.
 Next week off - Buff invited me to xmas movie/food.. okay, yes - and this Sun do Dickens's Faire.
 So celebrate my successes and good luck - school esp, Buff&DJ, cottage, yard..
+++++
 Sun Dec 16.18 nm noon
 Sposed to rain this afternoon, hanging in town - Sat hung a lot in bed - M-F morning classes, Sat for rest
 Got (likely) last 2-week severance -
 Willing/ready to work, concerned about keeping up pace & focus 40hrs/week - wears everyone out - keeps people exhausted - too tired to think - I can do it..
 This morning dream: stand/snuggling w/Beate, lightly kissing/nuzzling back of neck, beneath shirt to caress/cup breasts - she giving in to pleasure -
 IMs @Nomad w/LaBobby, Eric, Jonathan S, Jude.. reaching out a bit to Lindy, wish she lived closer so we could have casual time/coffee chats etc
 Got here ~9, 3:30 now - sun sets ~5.. maybe home soon, shower, food, tidy all the fucking paper on side of bed...
 Okay.. it rained.. I did not do anything.. well, paid phone bill, filled in unemployment page for next 2 weeks - ~3K on card & ~&8K left, last $1.9K severance check arrived Fri
 
Thinking about corned beef/cabbage at Plough
 This is good
 Old age, retirement big on mind, but a long way off.. trailer park, canned soup, eggs, fruit...don't dwell on future.. those imaginings cause grief and sorrow.. keep busy and keep a positive attitude... showing up @class and gov't agencies is all I can do, showing I am energetic, enthusiastic, available - what else can u do?  See if there's a game, and Plough for dinner couple beers... Life is good...
 ++Bed 8:55pm++
 Friended friend of fb's Emma Hussein, whose pics I enjoyed (feet, pretty faces) - she accepted, liked Frida/gun pic, I sent link to Facebook folder of semi-nude pics - she liked young hippie pics, I was tempted to say I have young hippie nude selfies, but.. wait.. maybe never.. I know nothing about her - hungry -
 ..shower. wash hair, Plough for Sun corned beef/cabbage, 5 lady band playing music to big crowd parents/kids.. good game, 1/2way through meal (which was thrilling - perfect when big hunger) mid-50s lady sits between me & late 30's(?) guy, after a while we start chatting, she just moved here from SF, we all in low-rent situations - talk talk talk about everything, neighborhood, small space housing, football, started basic/simple/local - talking about music at Plough, good sound system, Guerneville Jazz/Blue fest, Cazadero.....
 anyway.. it felt good.. we were all in the mood to just connect..
 I had dreams today about making $$ by some other means than 9-5.. online.. keep eyes wide open.. also, don't be stupid.. I feel good about connections I had today.. brass tacks.. corned beef & cabbage, sitting at the bar with 3 beers & football game, live acoustic music in background, meet new people.. cool.. smiling.. people make life worth living.. to degree possible, yes, be open for opportunities.. I'm doing best I can.. I'll be okay... I'm becoming myself.. it is awkward, scary and painful.. also exciting, enjoyable, and revelatory..
+++++
 Thu Dec 13.18 hm 12:30
 Wow - no blog for 3+days! They have been free fall enjoying, not that things are in place, showed face at YWCA/EDD etc.. Peralta soon! - visited Lawrence Hall of Science, walked Inspiration Point, UCB Botanical, including redwood grove - lots of memories, Shelley etc but redwoods mostly Shelley B, sent her photos, shared long memory trip IMs after, trip to Bolinas, some sexual stuff:
 "Michelle sticking her head in door of my bedroom, while I was standing at end of bed with my head between your legs - it must have been one of the first times (?) because Michelle looked surprised in a friendly "Oh so that's happening!" way - she imparted whatever information she needed to share then left... youth is so casual about all that"
 She apologized for going of with another guy at Bolinas Watermelon festival - since I remembered it, I guess I needed to hear that. Shit, I was ~22-3.. we were selfish horny youth.. I have a few memories - mostly photo based, or crisis moments, vague first sexual events etc, but fleshiness, her being same persons in and out of bed, knowing what she wanted from me and to give me.. that was new.. not usual fumbling in actual and metaphorical dark..
 Anyway.. some things I ought to do: check in to CalJobs, update resume in there and look into school stuff. There may be schools I am not aware of. Yes, do it.
 Today, library..
 All this relaxation/walking on beautiful California winter days is great.. assuming/hoping all will be well - doing everything I know to do... no more severance coming in.. solstice in a weeks then days getting longer.. then Medicare, job hunt.. sigh.. assuming social security in 15months... weird...
 ...it's like slow-moving train (aging/poverty) coming to hit me, and nothing I can do about it, except keep myself together in the now... being here now, keeping this together, care and feeding of this human body.. that seems to be it.
 Looked through old drive - some b&w Alice Marin nudes, a bunch of Mekkas not seen in a while - clothed ones, partially pulled away - very sexy - implied - Suzanne Lusky cheesecake nudes... yeah.. careful.. borderline withdrawn/depressed activity - get out for fresh air sunshine regularly -
+++++
 Sun Dec 9.18 nm
 Nah - overcast - ~3 west Berkeley Art open studios art compound - saw InDesign teacher's stuff & several others, chat w/one painter - that was fun, to get out & explore, see how working artists do it - then 4th street shops, Amazon store..
  - book store, gelato - home for youtube etc, Michael Palin Brazil vid, kept falling asleep, darned indica! -noisy squirrels/rats on roof woke me up - mouse traps - sleep ~10-9.. now, maybe get out somewhere - out of town? Olampoli?
 ---
 Bed 8:30pm
 If I don't write about it did it happen?
 Lv ~11 w/pbj/falafel, Easy traffic heavy mist/fog - Olampoli explore lower area, fields/bldgs - nice, and felt pretty good - just wanted to get out of town, decent exercise climbing around hills/creeks - lots of turkeys -
 ~2:30 head to Nicasio, Mike comes out w/Robin Williams book lend, I show him through pile of CDs I'm leaving - promote GBV - bar, burger/football/1 IPA - yum, and felt good - yay - finally -
 All things remaining equal, a year from now may be completely different, good, or bad or neutral-wise... keep doing everything I can.. don't miss any details, this is too important -
 Hm ~5:30, big laundry - clean bedclothes always a treat.. 2 chocolate bars. mmm...
+++++
 Sat Dec 8.18 nm
 Having gotten most all the basis done: signed up for classes, unemployment, resume, YWCA & EDD mtgs, food, LinkedIn, connect with people I've been in conflict with (Shelley/Chris/Tom).. now feel like I'm being too lazy.. but no.. I'm doing everything right.. no steps I can take will make me wealthy.. I am fearing poverty, but who doesn't? Lost prestige of - on surface - cool job.
 Awfully gloomy, but natural normal human sadness - sad that nothing lasts - not so depressed I'm immobile - not much different than slow no-action weekends while working full-time.. really, yes..
 Checked SS, I have from mid-Dec to sign up.. look into it.. prob ~$200/month?
 I've gotten ~12 weeks of unemployment, have till week 17 to apply for CTG (gov't paid for school) - so do that!
 Paid UBER card.. credit score 767 which is good.
 Okay.. Fri afternoon book store, pizza.. youtube at home..
 Chill weekend.. Alameda campus 1-Stop Monday after class..
 Need printer wifi pw from Gui, Marge having trouble with John H's bday files, downloading and printing..
 Life goes on.
 I'll be okay. I am okay. Happiness is not required, wisdom is helpful. I'm not even sure I'm unhappy - just anxious.. cool, well, I can handle that - we all have to.
+++++
 Fri Dec 7.18 nm
 A lot to take in - can happen to anyone - uncertain near and long-term - adjust to it - may get job, may be temp, may not get job.. life is scary - feeling like crying in morning, throughout day, is normal! Worrying does not help. Breath. It was nice to feel 'rich' w/long-term job, affordable rent etc - but was always an illusion, no Mommy & Daddy coming to rescue me. Every day need to see clearly. Stay to school, talk to agencies about school pay/extended unemployment benefits, use LikedIn & CalJobs & WIOA.. something will come along -
 This is my job now - school, resume, LinkedIn, EDD, CTG, signing up for Medicare.. follow rules minutely - a small mistake can cause problems, gotta stay on top of it.
 But bed comfy, slept all night - ~10-6:30.. hot shower felt good, making lunch routine smooth and easy now.
 Life is good.
+++++
 Th Dec 6.18 nm II 5:30
 After InDesign, ~noon map app took me across GG Bridge & into Sunset district, first time in years - lovely blue sky sunny day hint of mist - good to see Gui, relaxed & comfy - chatted  over 1 beer for ~50mins? How Scott died, what we are up to, about Gil's sudden decline - Gui was caught unawares - , marriage to Shalini/Mitch, Shelley's farm, etc.. tours, band break up, rereleases, Vanderbilt, Pat Thomas, $2,500 facebook ad photo.. quite a bit actually! Dang
 Put printer in car, long-way home, cross Bridge again, stop north end to look.. visit Urban Ore..
 Felt good - some sadness when I visit old friends, times gone etc - Shelley's farm with Taylor St memories, Gui.. but anxious as I am, I think I'm happier now than I was back then, not crazy any more.. less angry, more open, loved and loving.. such a difference.. so maybe I can do this.. pain of lost job, adjustment to circumstances.. maybe this cna be made to work.. keep myself happy with creative activities...
+++++
 Thu Dec 6.18 nm
 My thoughts are sad and worried, but those are thoughts.. what ifs - projections - anticipations - anticipate good, expect success - see a bright future.. see a bright today..
 Currently I'm having a good time, sleeping well, reading, eating, watching movies, learning in class, attending job-hunt classes.. soon will have Medicare.. health good.. unemployment for a few more months..
 Winter solstice Dec 21 then days longer..
 No, not still love for S&C - that was 20+years ago - , just remembering, looking at Taylor artifacts, when I did, how that glue held things together, it felt good to love someone, there was hope... let it go, no there there.. Marge & John's, and even Mark's friendship is real & now.. they are genuine and nice to me..
 Prob no Bragg trips.. but.. let's see..  $150 for hotel, $60 for gas.. for 4 days on cold rainy coast? Meh.. :-D Do it while I'm young enough to enjoy and have car?
 Picking up printer from Gui this afternoon - so odd, so odd..
 Last night groceries, 1-1 indica - one solid hit seemed to help - slept all night.. ~9-6:30.. all this sleep feels great..
+++++
 “tell the truth, don’t blame people, be strong, do your Best, try hard, forgive, stay the course.”
 After Google Docs class, attend hr EDD RESEA class, some good info - a lot tho! Nomad for internet, did not type up notes, got LMI passwords for wifi, good chat w/Sooz last night, got Gui's address to pick up printer tomorrow, more of Pat Thomas' Jerry Rubin book.. now dispensary & groceries.. shower, do typing at resume on CalJobs @home..
 This is not a maybe, need to keep an eye on how to make CTG - unemployment while going to school with WIOA support - work. That extra $$ would pay rent and some bills/ food - big a big help.
+++++
 Wed Dec 5.18 nm
 After Tues am InDesign, Nomad, reading Did It! Internet, bagel & eggs smoothie etc - home to read more but getting sluggish, dark @4:30.. could have showered, made lunch for today but.. sluggo.. push myself a little to make my life easier by doing those things at night..
 Adapting to normal anxieties about future etc.. I have always heard this is normal, to think about future, have concerns, of course..
 Meantime, right now is fun and cool - $$ in bank, unemployment coming in.. slowly organically shifting towards how to survive when times get tight..
 Anything on the bucket lost I ought to do now, or in Spring? Spend $2K, fly east, rent car, last trip to WV, Ohio? Or New England? Meh.. Utah? Some natural beauty I'd like to see - Lost River State Park?
 This morning: Google Docs, then 3hr mtg at Oak EDD, general overview of info.
+++++
 Tues Dec 4.18 nm 2pm
 "A calm and humble life will bring more happiness than the pursuit of success and the constant restlessness that comes with it." Einstein
 gee, I hope so. Define "success". Wealth and recognition - I've had, and have, both.
 Reading Pat Thomas' 'Did It!' Jerry Rubin bio - quite fun - I see my hero-worshipping youth, normal, excited to try to change the world as youth does, reminded how New Wave music in Davis broke me out of smelly long-haired drop-out scene. And now me away from all that - me being here now best I can.
 Free afternoon - Wed 3hr EDD mtg, Thurs pick up printer from Gui. Today working on relaxing and enjoying.
 Now, with Gil dying I kept telling myself I could die tonight, no one knows - but that philosophizing also avoided knowing pain, statistically speaking odds were I'd be around to see it. It had value tho. Now - worried about future, I tell myself I may be dead in a year, so don't worry about 10 years from now. Statistically I'll be around, need to plan for that - like, while I have $$, look into used trailer homes. Whatever.
 Seems I am still in habit of treating friends to meals - no more generosity - good as it feels, much as I feel compassion, much as it makes me feel powerful, and have value, I need to get my mental state in order. I have given enough.
 Week off ~xmas - do Bragg again?
 "Because of the pressures of the competitive and capitalistic rat-race of artistic "success" and "failure" in America, you punished yourself for not being a production machine of non-stop creativity." (Rubin to Ochs)
+++++
 This
 "As we age, the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier ... much heavier. With each passing year, the price of our refusal to do that sorting rises higher and higher. Long ago, the defenses I built to withstand the stress of my childhood, to save what I had of myself, outlived their usefulness, and I've become an abuser of their once lifesaving powers. I relied on them wrongly to isolate myself, seal my alienation, cut me off from life, control others, and contain my emotions to a damaging degree."
 Bruce Springsteen
+++++
 Mon Dec 3.18 nm 3pm
 If I believe in my own value I do not need to be defensive nor promote myself, or need to be doing something exciting to prove my worth to myself and others... I need to be doing things I enjoy.. yes.. whatever it is, gardening, reading, watching videos, taking classes, chatting with friends, walking nature, biking, book stores, playing in photoshop, photography, flirting...
 Kinda down this morning remembering marriage, natural post-Davis/LaFreniere sadness (they are always so nice, encourage me to come visit more, Mark, too)- it was no one's fault marriage didn't last, most don't, not a sign of fundamental failure/weakness, it was not a good long-term match - Stacey said 'you have to work on it' - I think we sort of did, but did not know how, when we tried we learned we did not communicate well - I was unhappy - we all three dealt with a lot of things poorly - I was a fucking crazy delusional mess -
 - if I needed to make a point about the things she did wrong, assert my rightness, 20years of avoidance/resentment pays bill, yes? If it's a cover for my own weaknesses, living honestly and giving it up, standing naked in light, is right living. Nothing wrong with admitting dumb foolish selfish things. Shelley. It's over - done. Drop it. It may not disappear overnight - that's a lot invested in my DNA/body/joints/skin/digestion - but I know it's pointless now - no longer current - so given time, and hopefully some hanging out with Shelley/Chris, will set things right. Expect/demand nothing from them - if I bear resentments, they're my problem, and they hurt other people as well.
 So let it go - bye! It's now - not then.
 I loved her, and some part of me still loves her. True? Or is that a reaction reflected from many Taylor artifacts at their farm.. let that flickering dust of shattered crystals settle before deciding; may be mistaking memory of past love for a current feeling - it's not as if I moon over or fantasize or miss her; enough to admit I did love her and life we shared. I am fortunate - Marge and John still alive to hold my hand during that visit. As Gil held my hand when I 'friended' Donnette on facebook. Gil, hold my hand Thursday when I visit Gui to pick up printer.
 This is my life now - classes, researching job market, networking, working with various gov't agencies to get as much financial support as possible to attend school, attending seminars about job market, etc. And relaxing and enjoying - when I was working I enjoyed my free days. Now in school I should also enjoy my free time.
 Last night watched Blue Grass documentary, today started Pat Thomas's Jerry Rubin bio. |
 Yesterday's visit get me worried about long-term survival - but can't keep that focus too long, too many day-to-day details to take care of.
 Back off Shelley/Farm/Marge/John thoughts for a week or two - but do visit them.. monthly?
 Keep living right, now - using this time to have a look at myself, clear up old debris, relieve myself of old barriers - is a wise use of my time.
 Email note to self last night after Davis/Farm:
 'enjoy life
 laugh
 smile
 be happy
 bring light into other people's lives
 this breath is all I have - enjoy it - breath in love, breath out love
 I love Shelley - fuck :-), and Chris
 but was hurt by them, and hurt them - so'
 So - so what? Let go of all old nonsense. Love is the answer. Exercise love.
+++++
 Mon Dec 3.18 nm
 Sat mostly chill, Sugata w/Stacey then hang in condo for a bit -
 Sun Davis ~11, quick Peets/Snyder/Cemetery drive by - not much connection - maybe current situation makes me very present - beautiful day - Marge straightaway says need to visit farm, lunch first - salmon patties & bagel - mmm.. look at John's 90th bday photos - play with their sweet dog -
 - "farm" is kind of surreal, big white house bought in one piece, surrounded by a dozen+ close-by out-buildings: chicken cages and coops & trailer homes - felt a little desolate - inside of house every surface covered with tools, knick-knacks = lots of Taylor St. furniture, tables, couches, cabinets full of the same knick-knacks from 20+ years ago, recognized books.. cemetery stones off to side barely noticeable. It's on me to let it all go - full stop.
 Seeing Taylor stuff, I recall I loved her - in some ways still do - how sad it is now. We were both sad people - angry & miserable like most young people I suppose. Good that I was with just John & Marge, so I could process it all. I worried about her being cold in the Winter. Yikes!
 When I told Marge there was not retirement from work, she looked worried - which made me worry - if I live as long as they have, 80, 90.. that's another 25 years.. that's a lng time to be living on Social Security/in poverty. Then I feel sad and worried. I'll have lots of company!
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 “She had terrible anxiety. She would have nightmares and she would wake up screaming. She just became withdrawn and sad. She never laughed or smiled or anything like that anymore.”
 Even tho I am better, I am not okay.. that initial shock, on top of stressful work year, was a trauma.. so is there something I can do about it - some free therapy? Or do I just let time heal it? Talking to Stacey that one time made such a huge difference, so I know for sure talk therapy would help. I am letting myself cry and be afraid..
 Work on finding life joys. Pictures, books, videos - uplifting
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 Sat Dec 1.19 nm
 The Plan:
 Continue at Berkeley Adult School in 2019, see if I can get continuation of Unemployment through EDD & WIOA while in school 20hrs/wk/. Design, Photoshop, more excel, video editing - what else?
 Start now looking into when I have to get Medicare choices done.
 Meantime set up Dermatologist appt, and also blood work.
 Early 2019 start looking for temp/contract work for practice/contacts
 Website, LinkedIn, outreach
 Volunteer @ South Berkeley Senior Center
 
 This, too, will pass - my mental state will change, maybe improve and I move away from recent past and learn to survive in moment.
 I'm still feeling pain of loss - 'I'm okay I just weep some mornings' - normal, everyone does it.
 CTG - Cal Training Grant - 1hr mtg Fri am - I was one of three volunteers, many did not appear - I asked questions, got impression trainer John knows who I am via Nia.. I did my best to be present and impressive. Dressed nice, took notes, asked questions.
 Look over Fri Word chapter I missed in online book.
 Yes, I do have a plan..
 I noted, how I have this idea about moving to a trailer park somewhere, surviving on SS - then noted thousands of trailer homes burned up north in Paradise Camp Fire near Chico.. right - there is not paradise...
 After EDD, home, chat w/Buff about heavy rain causing some roof leaks but prob okay now that boards swell, and his face rash.. tired.. sat in bed online, small dozes, ~5 Bowl, gas Suzette, Plough for beer, then another, then Grilled cheese w/bacon.. yeah, watch that, expensive (~$30!) - I had plenty of food in car/at home.
 Cool, wet glaring sun through clouds morning - sleep ~10:30? Sleep pretty  - out of bed at 9... Getting enough sleep, not just enough to function - but enough that I feel rested - make note... how good it feels, how not-ripped-off I feel...
 Checked in w/Jude (divorce, long-time pet dog died suddenly), and with Lindy - about jobs, my being unemployed, working full-time at our age & exhaustion, cost of living in Bay Area, etc, we agreed to stay in touch..
 All good - my fears are mostly distance-based - that I should have a plan for retirement/old age.. and that I don't is constant worry - same for most people.. get a perspective.. have gratitude that I am solvent for next year(?), no cc debt, no family to support... etc. And a genuine desire not to be a burden for anyone else.
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 Fri Nov 30.18 nm
 No Office class today, EDD School meeting 10:30 - hope it's a go! If not come back to BAS for some Office.
 Weekend - Stacey, Davis?
 Thur InDesign, lv early for YWCA Gov't job meeting - good info - cleared up misconceptions born from plain ignorance, smoothie @ cafe across from BAS. last meeting w/Nia @3pm.. sad, thanked her, discussed how various things are going - esp if full-time school will work? Feeling unlikely - needs to clear career path - said she noticed how I came in organized, took a desk space to lay out papers, etc - join her LinkedIn (sent invite this morning) - mommy figure, friend, source of information, gave me hope, encouragement, told me I was doing right/wrong, encouraged me to widen vistas, enjoy free time, pushed back or forward as appropriate - excellent - damn. Bye :-(
 Then? home prob.. Nomad sandwich till ~6.. finish Wolf of Wallstreet.. Cuyahoga State Park promo movie
 Tues pm Sooz call - end of YS - I mostly listened, as she needed to talk, share story, express regrets (could have been nicer to her?), speak well of Y, who she was, her strength, pride, beauty, how important she was to them etc, how private their grief is now.
 They are saying it's important to have a specific job goal - not just be what Nia called open - anyone who can use my skills - but I don't know how to do that. Supposed to receive an email today telling who to talk to, but may not be till late Dec. So I'm on my own for now.
 Grieve loss of Nia (well, we'll still be in touch email/LinkedIn), one year since Mom died - overall tho, I feel good - normal sadness about life - find ways to have positive vibes in mornings, toughest times, when I am warm and comfy but baseline aware of how temporary everything is... temporary, so enjoy all I have and find gratitude for all the good things - limbs, health, friends, memories, whatever happened in the past, it brought me here to goodness. Old age and poverty are normal  prepare best I can, but don't pick on myself for not being rich. Frugality.
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