Dr. Boyce: A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it
head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to
So there's that, Thu Mar 21.19 - don't wither away with face in computer -
give it a go, life that is
Sleeping in, when I can, and enjoying it - a full-time job is not
necessarily the only answer - just surviving right? sometimes it's
all u got
Drop illusions, that good job gave me prestige - maybe in some other's
eyes? Meh - so does beautiful yard, so does my art, being a good
person and friend..
sometimes it's just TV -
Chasing romance and glamour rock star illusion etc - drop it - lighten my
load - be mentally healthy - find what fulfills me.. and pursue it..
not trying to be Dad, or Mom.. being my best self..
Wed Mar 20.19 bed 5:30pm
Decided to keep angrylambie - maybe I don't need to keep a public blog -
in fact, might be better, more info, less "professional" "thrill" -
also, keep the brand, and page with photos, Frida story - use
angrylambie for my 'art'..
Tues Birthday - 65 - Holy Shit - I feel fine, damn.. lots of fb
birthday wishes put a nice glow on it, as well as being a beautiful
Dutch girl in HTML class, we chatted easily, I'd been wanting to ask her
out for coffee after class, she won't be around for last weeks of
class, so during break I asked, if she wants to go out for coffee
after class, first she said she had to get groceries, then said it
can wait, she chose a place on Gilman, on way to her neighborhood -
we chatted for ~90mins, that was fun and easy - cool. I was
concerned about age diff, and if I was asking primarily because she
is attractive.. she is smart & fun.. cool
Box of bite size cakes from Shirley, call her soon!
Joan & Jeff in Napa Sun.. depending on N's plans, maybe do that?
90min drive.. yes if I can.
Need to call Kaiser soon to talk about plans, meeting an individual.
Salesmanship so heavy, plans so confusing, my guess is most people
sign up for whatever is on front of them just to have it done,
without understanding what they're doing. Regardless of plan, they
still may deny coverage. In essence, we are all fucked in the US
"healthcare": system. Bummer.
Looking into Spanish classes, Tai Chi, Buddhism, etc. Keep busy. Walk/bike
to local library and read regularly.
In one year, I can get SS - meantime, live well. And look for work. Yes.
Unemployment runs out April I think. Maybe one whale watching Bragg trip
early April after classes end.
Sun Mar 17.19 backyard 6:30pm
Sat hang out - get bike out, take to Tilden, tire low, take to
Missing Link - I'd just not pumped enough - cool. But I got it out -
spaced out from allergies I reckon. Two wrenches for bike bolts.
Long IM w/K&Vic about food, opened K's bday present, food book -
read it. Get sugar out of my diet. Including starch/carbs.
Veggie/fish. No bananas. Fewer eggs. No bread - just a spoonful or
nut butter. fruit & nuts & low fat Greek yogurt. Walk to Bowl.
Today, go through paper pile - not as bad as I thought - paid car reg,
lots tossed out, check BAS classes - nothing! In April free to live
retired while job hunting.
Check w/Stacey, good day for birthday lunch - yummy Solano Thai! Nut ice
cream walk around block - fun!
Check Plough, $15 to get in, then more for beer and dinner.. no.
Weather beautiful! Love it! Great for disposition! Get sweats/shorts from
Goodwill, new jeans, walk fast daily.
No pot nor coffee - cool. No more burgers and beer. Get a
tattoo, or a ring, or whatever it takes to remind myself - no
sugar. Meditate on no sugar. Run on no sugar. Talk to
doctor/dietician about no sugar.
IM'd Dan V & K about photos/tapes. Difficult discussion, but important.
Important to have it in writing that they should have first shot at
ownership. Whatever - difficult, but not important to focus on.
Done. Doing it was the important thing. Done. we all have our
Tomorrow, find someone who will give me objective face-to-face Medicare
Talk to South Berk Sr Center about tax help - what do they actually do? If
not full support - do they recommend anyone? AARP?
Once that's done, set up face appt.
Call COBRA to cancel auto-pay. Rebate?
Call ISP cancel angrylambie site/ Download everything first.
Look for other classes.
Fill my days with things I enjoy.
Spring is here - birds and bees, lots of weeding (alley today).
Fri Mar 15.19 laundry
More foggy head - is it mild bug, or spring fever, or brain cancer, or age
- combo - or have I always been this way and just forget?
Putting things off -pile of papers, envelopes, mail, etc - Medicare
decision, taxes, Sr, Center, job hunt ha-ha, wtf - there is
not job for 65yr olds.. one must be self-employed or something, odd
After laundry, could get a lot done - then tomorrow drive to Golden Gate
headlands, some place other than usual.. there's a lighthouse.. also
need more jeans from Goodwill.. yard is looking nice, and warm/sunny
days really help mood , cheer me right up..
I have 4 weeks to do taxes, month or two for Medicare B etc, and need to
get facework done..
Article says too many eggs bad for you - 1/day/1/2 banana, hemp milk
I overeat when I'm stressed.. relax, meditate, work out, eat less..
Tue Mar 12.19 bd 11:25am
Send naughty drawing to * who @4am said please delete, but I can't, then
had 'nightmares' of a, automatic cascade of uncontrolled porn
posting to her IM.. weird, panicky..
Felt sick'ish, mentally fogged yesterday - Mon pm Buff/DJ had me in
for delicious corned beef/cabbage/potatoes - felt slightly eh all
night.. this morning, after smoothie/shower.. 2nd morning
elimination at least 2 day's worth.. now better.. so ill'ish may
have been constipation.. from change in diet, addition of
brown rice, pbj snacks.. huh.. anyway, more mental clarity good for
website/Medicare stuff etc..
~1 month left of unemployment.. sign up for April classes, but also start
30mins+ morning clover-pulling, yard is lush front/back, I like how it
looks both ways, but weeded/worked better..
Posting Gil's 2003 comments on LN (BSC posted 2 weeks ago) - very positive
response, including from nephew Richard who contacted personally
with heartfelt thanks - which does my heart good.. like having Gil
there talking to you..
Wed What about driving to GG Headlands/Point Bonita lighthouse
after Pshop class?
Uncertain of next step re Medicare - look for professional? $100. Same
with taxes.. April 15 is only 4 weeks away.
Nan visiting in ~10 days.
6:01pm yard chair
After HTML class, bowl - carrots, blueberries, cheapest poison bananas
(1/2 in smoothie-1/2 sliced on pbj), Asian combo $8 for gobs of
food, noodle/beef w/veggie, hemp milk - maybe have to switch to
something cheaper, almond?, sushi box ($10 - my one extravagance -
but healthy I think (maybe buy raw sushi-quality at counter eat
w/brown rice?), apples, carrots - munched on one - um, delicious,
sweet - my body said yes!, box of tea - 16 packs ginger/green $5,
used phone calculator ~.35 per drink. Cool.
Weeded/uncovered a few more aloe plants near north wall chair - along with
those in from got aloe out ears.
Look into classes for next 'semester.'
Mon Mar 11.19 bed 4:26
Pshop morning - noticed flat rear tire in parking lot, home - tire place
3mins down Shattuck, call, go down 40mins later, $12 & ~10mins -
Rice cooker plus canned cream of chicken - mmm - Buff invited me in for
corned beef tonight -
Avoidance - laying in bed - doing very little - nice - eating better,
cutting back on expenses (pot/coffee/beer/starry plough/restaurants)
Senior center, Adult School, Medicare, health check-ups, aloe, yard work..
soon biking.. look for more free classes, music..
Do all the things I want to do.. if I can figure out what they are..
Don't over-use friends, don't over-rely on romance..
Sun Mar 10.19 hm bed 6:15
Bed till ~noon, shower/smoothie/trim shave pubes, hi to L.. despite rain,
walk downtown, 1/2 Price Books - I am my father's son, steaming
brown rice now, in rice cooker - will it work?? - article about some
artists paying someone to do nothing for rest of life - article says
"lucky person".. I don't want people to see me enjoying doing
nothing, but sounds good_ I mean, no ambition let's say_ but read,
yard work, social network of friends, self-improvement (still
learning to fucking chill), pay bills.. etc.. very little money
going out except for rent/healthcare/food.. no beer, cannabis,
gelato_2 mile walk is good, but all through business district buy!
buy! buy! - maybe neighborhoods next, and bike! Look into nearby
neighborhood gardens.. group hikes..
Feel a little guilty taking advantage of free food at Sr Center - but I
have to save $$!
Be patient w/N.. have confidence.. there's no hurry.. we have time.,.
The rice cooker didn't do shit after 45mins.. restarted..
Are there green areas east I can walk or bike to in a mile?
Sat Mar 9.19 hm 1:36pm
Making transition to 'retirement' - meaning, no more full-time job, ever -
? At least, not one with veneer of 'success', working in a nice
office job, tallest bldg on west coast, intl Executive Consulting
Co. Fun while it lasted - well, not fun, not all fun.. I
mean, there was some prestige in it, at least if one didn't look too
Now I get used to finding ways to fill my time, to take advantage of the
time, to learn and create..
Fri after morning Mac class, lay around, some weeding, ~4 drive to
south Berk Sr. Center - talk to chatty lady about Medicare - get
some papers and advice,, I have time.. volunteer papers, list of
free food days (2x month), day trips, tax help, etc.. it's a nice
building, mostly black/brown folks. Free muffin, explore floors.
Computer room. Could I teach ppt? Yes, it sinks on slowly -I
walked in wondering if people would wonder why this young 35'ish guy
was wandering in.. denial! Age is just a #, etc - maybe it's good to
go there, hang out, learn... about this situation...
Bowl on way home, Asian bowl, salad, fruit, sushi.. I'm still off coffee &
cannabis (now that it doesn't matter ha ha), off hamburgers & beer..
only one week - too soon to know if it's permanent.. eating meal at
bowl cafe, Nan IMs didn't get Who's Afraid of VW part, I call from
car, do my best to listen..
Yard work.. movies.. 90s videos.. raining on and off today, gentle, nice..
things I like.. think about it.. brain storm..
I see how web goes for me: usual morning stuff cartoons/politics,
facebook, browsing, humor, gossip, sex/porn, more extreme hentai etc
- sordid crap .. it builds form one to other.. so don't start down
that path.. look into local Buddhist temple.. ask around.. do
something healthier with my mind and time..
Sleeping well still - is there a connection between not drinking coffee
and not needing cannabis to sleep? Last night ~11:30-6:30.. then
snooze hour or row.. as acceptance comes in, that I am past youthful
things.. mornings are less stressful..
I seem to have given up on job-hunting., but feels also like given up on
competing for unrealistic jobs with the rah-rah can-do attitude.. I
don't want to go route of defeatism bitterness, cynicism, nor
dreaming of a woman/relationship saving me, making my life
complete.. looking for middle ground.. but friends, yes friends
Most of my friends all still work.. this may be a thing I no longer have
in common with them..
Fri Mar 8.19 hm 9:30
Normal to get/feel down if one just sits around
Get busy, get up and out
Walk - read, weed, organize boxes beneath bed, do something!!
Staying busy is key, sitting around stewing in thoughts old and future
fears etc is not good
Make website - patreon - something, anything!
Thu Mar 7.19 bed 10pm after pshop video editing class
Don't feel bad about feeling bad - people commit suicide in these
Lost job of 20yrs, at 64 - suddenly facing old-age and retirement etc.-,
best friend died, mother died, close friends moved away, future
financial situation is grim, single.. job prospects grim.. I should
be unhappy in this situation! It's okay to feel bad etc.. but don't
lay it on other people, but do talk to a close friend about it.. but
not too much.. everybody has their own problems..
But health is good, savings will keep me afloat for a while,
Transcribed KT song about Santa Cruz visit ~ 1980?
Lost, totally lost in Davis 1981, then hung out in Davis band scene after
introducing myself to Fred, and offering to shoot band photos at
Design dept studio where I was shooting 3rd world students with 120
Mamiya, developing/printing at Craft Center - biking everywhere -
some good times. I was generally uncomfortable around people,
isolated and crazy - but there were some times better than others..
call them what they were - good times. And here I am. With good
Let myself relax - I am full of dread & fear.. try relaxing.. worry some
time if that helps.. but use some of this time to organize
negatives, view old video tapes, read..I have a few months to
Thu Mar 7.19 bed 11:40am
Smoothie, shower, 2 pieces sushi, IMs, nice 4am pic from Nu.. cheering..
grateful.. normal.. friendly..
6hrs of classes today: HTML & photohsop video, so not much lazing guilt
Wed phsop class in morning, then bed/web time - it was overcast
gloomy rainy, so there's my excuse, better not to be in a
situation that needs excuses.. it's denial.. a therapist would
be handy.. small bowl of rice/fish chowder dinner.. eating lighter..
eat smaller portions of higher quality food - yes.. my body will
thank me.. weeded from beds, sidewalk.. taking out the
Not going to Nomad will help pay for Kaiser..
After fierce procrastination, I called # for Advantage.. got news, and
sales pressure... news: call Social Security - may have
Medicare #, & I have ~3 months on either side of birthday month to
apply for Advantage.. it's all really fucked up, super confusing,
way to expensive.. if I had an emergency today, it could bankrupt
me.. depressing to contemplate.. denial/procrastination
understandable, do best I can..
So - what do I like to do? Play guitar? Record online? Read. Hike -
nature. Get a good chair for reading? Chat with friends. More Vid
chats - Eric?
Putting Aloe on face several x/day - maybe just once, because otherwise
will use up plants in a couple months - the juice feels better,
seems more healing than lotion - lotion certainly has junk in it and
should not be left on overnight, aloe sinks in - cheeks already feel
less flaky, 'mole'-like growth on cheek coming off in bits.
I tried to needle/drain bubbles on left eyelid - they got red, maybe
something came out? probably not - I poked pretty firmly, so they
are not simple easy pimple to 'pop'/drain. But I tried. With big
distorting mirror from work. Free time - I could be watching
80s-90s videos on BJs player - not bad idea actually, I have
time, and internet begins to feel like staring into space, being fed
Took out garbage, did dishes, re-made bed, fresh clothes today - calling
Kaiser reduced some anxiety I think -
TAKE CARE OF STUFF IN A TIMELY FASHION. IT IS A WAY OF SHOWING MYSELF
LOVE, AND WILL INCREASE/BUILD MY SELF ESTEEM.
USE DRY ERASE, WALK, LEARN WHERE BATHROOMS ARE, STRETCH, WEIGHTS,
SET REALISTIC GOALS. DO IT FOR ME. BE SELFISH. BE HAPPY.
I'm thinking - plan long-term - stretch current savings out to 2years+
if possible. Not spending $$ at Nomad feels good, also Starry Plough
- first period after lay-off, okay, but Winter is near-past, Spring
is almost here.. time for renewal. Don't talk about it all the time.
I had it good, now less - no one wants to hear me whine. Not that
they don't care, or don't love me - but financial troubles.. are
Tue Mar 5.19 bed 10:44
No coffee since Fri? Since I calculated $1.8K savings.
Tough transition, not un-doable.. from having relatively 'lots', to
counting quarters.. $50 for burger & sushi yesterday w/Eric in
gville checking out flood damage - still in habit, but need to let
go of that illusion.. a $10 bento box would have done fine..
Heavy physical depression over weekend - likely from stopping coffee cold
turkey (& quitting Nomad routine?) - thoughts feelings motives
ungrounded - changing habits in present, and also worrying about
But felt good yesterday getting out of town to see friend.. a friend in
need is a fiend indeed? Sigh...
Being in Bay Area where things are changing, future being invented, is
exciting, time/history is visible - but what avg 2800 1 bed apt rent
- checked Morgantown/Charleston equiv.. $500-600... sigh...
Weeding, back bed, aloe on face.. raining, I just want to stay in bed all
day.. would that be so bad? Call Kaiser about advantage Wed
I am sad about getting old, and having less $$ - but I was unhappy before,
pretty much always, I do not get any special attention for my
unhappiness or unhappy childhood - drop it, this done not need
further analysis - unhappiness comes with life - we are all
unhappy at some level - we use friends and sex as distractions..
fine.. Russian River fest gave us 'something to look forward to' -
that suggests general unhappiness in meantime.. accept that as
background, and do all I can to be happy.. there's no answer.. no
hope.. but there can be flashes of happiness..
Discussed summer music fests w/Eric - free Train station fest Sun
in June, maybe Blues fest Sept - regular $60 tickets, if there's
someone good - or even not - drive, or Uber.. everything is about
cutting costs, saving $$, tightening belt - priorities, medical
coverage - Medicare & Kaiser Advantage - $3K/year - deductibles
etc.. sigh.. healthcare will wreck me - no one will come down to
save me - just chatted w/Nan and all that came up, change of
lifestyle.. gotta serious-up.. said think focusing on right things,
making right decisions.. in some ways feels/is more 'real' than
years of spending $$ because I could, escapism, so many bad
frustrating years angry, crazy, mentally unhinged..
Now I must survive - do best I can.. that is all any of us can do..
ooh, but that gville sushi.. I felt good today.. so, less bread, less
meat, more veggies, plug in rice cooker, beans, greens.. chop those
veggies.. eat healthy, lose weight.. be a challenge.. be cool..
Sun Mar 3.19 bed 10:45am
Spent most of Sat more or less curled up in ball - rainy, overcast
- no Nomad - no coffee.. lots of internet/laptop
Too much time like this, start picking on myself, judging my past harshly,
and worrying about future - stay busy, keep good attitude..
WEF too expensive - maybe drive up Sat or Sun - spend night
w/in-laws? That is also sort of stressful.. hmm.. ask D80s of
someone has a couch/bathroom I can use? I do like an occasional
Davis visit, bike around etc.. sleep in car? On other hand, visiting
Davis, getting lost in nostalgia also hurts in some ways -
revisiting old wounds.. wearing rose-colored glasses.. it is
escapism.. maybe okay to skip.. there's no there there...
Bragg hotel prices ~$60 in March.
Visit Eric Mon after pshop class, have more time to hang vs. Sun.
Stressing about Medicare in mornings - talk to DJ/Buff - I could have done
this months ago - procrastination causes stress sorrow pain.. get on
shit.. do it!
Okay - shower - stinky sweaty.. pbj
Fri Mar 1.19 hm bed 7L30pnm
Stopped in on Richard Siebert at print shop after MAC class.. chat,
thought about lunch but hmm
Then home to bed.. internet.. nap..
Starry Plough burger beer - last one? Need to lose weight -
I LIE! I say I don' eat much meat nor processed food, but a few times /
week sandwiches at Nomad and burger or coned beef at Plough, plus
the beer - gotta go. Last one tonight - eat good foods regularly,
make it at home.. It makes me fat & unhealthy, more likely to have a
heart attack, plus I can't afford it in the medium/long-term.
Acceptance. I needn't be a hippie saint - jettison that illusion,,
but I can live a good healthy wholesome life.
I don't need this web site at all - it serves no purpose - keep
domain name angrylambie.com, might be worth something someday - but
dump site, and maybe close flicker & tumblr etc, start showing stuff
on paid sites - Patreon - don't give it away for free.
Also, cheaper car insurance?
How to cut back on wifi etc expenses?
Yes. Commit to this new lifestyle. Be responsible. Be an adult.
Fri Mar 1.19 nm
Medicare signed on for
Blood test back, and plans for skin treatment
Acceptance that this new phase of my life has begun, survival challenges,
I clung as do we all to symbols of 'success' financial success and
security - as if wearing a t-shirt that says I am successful equals
Car (used, 18-30yrs old), job (at prestigious company, bottom of ladder,
outsourced, underpaid), roof/room (150 sq ft cottage tool shed), etc
But I made it work - and what has really changed - lack of paycheck sucks,
but what was my goal? What long-term plan? What true security?
Upside is more sleep, more time for friends, more contact with me and my
Lack of long-term security is same as before, last 5 years.. same as when
I had job..
This upcoming year (between 65-66 till Social Security) can be a good one,
but it will not be at all like last 5-10-20 years - which, let's
face it, were often highly stressful/unhappy/depressing..
Things I can do: get more exercise, keep mentally active, volunteer, take
classes, live frugally, do not rely on spending for entertainment,
meditate, stretch, become mentally strong by facing up to reality,
accept my limits and strengths... perhaps look into Buddhism etc,
for good non-deity-based advice.. put my work online and look into
ways to make a few extra bucks here and there.. work on family
stuff.. hard, but small movement better than none, giving up..
Nomad is good, for place, community, coffee - but expensive.. give up
coffee for a year = $1k, trip to Oregon to see Sooz, or Jazz/Blues
Left Phsop video editing class early last night.. slow, annoying student
who asks questions constantly, and teacher not well prepared.. but I
am learning.. keeping up on HTML class, but not retaining much,
still good to get acquainted.. I knew it was not gold standard
training when I signed up.. but it has value..
Looked into food stamps, can have as much as $2K savings.
L looking at my blood work results - high triglycerides is a concern, over
next 10yrs 11% chance of heart attack, stroke.. that seems low, but
exercise good anyway, lose weight.
Nu sent me nice getting out of bed video last night :-) grateful.
When a person is ignored, neglected, abused, unprotected they become a
sociopath.. I have advantages, white male 'educated' etc.. but
still.. in my own way.. I did not become a murderer because I was
not that far down.. but I treated people close to me the way I was
treated, looking for revenge.. then when I was way down, post DUI,
Karen Eric, Gil showed me love and support at a fundamental human
level, they said I was human and worthy of love.. saved my soul,
helped pull me out of a morass of self-pity, anger, addiction, and
pain.. said my love had value.. making me godfather to Xo..
turned on my heart light..
So look out the window now, count my blessings, value how far I have come,
be good to my friends, we all have our problems.. even poor and
'retired' in impoverished circumstances I can support and show to
love to both friends and strangers..
Thu Feb 28.19 nm
Rent check taped to back door - $585, still cheap
Lots of dreaming this morning, including OPIK shower (tho not Tar Hollow),
prepping to travel -
Last blood work results in, called Fitzer's office, no need to talk or
come in, Doc will send message if they need to follow up, results
sent to Kaiser - *she called, suggested meds for high cholesterol -
I pushed back, will discuss w/Kaiser.. but lose weight, more
exercise/movement - more veggies..
Call Kaiser - talk to DJ/Buff first
No dinner - pbj ~10pm, need to eat soon - not depressed but mentally slow
- I skip meals to stop thinking so much, as an escape - not
Settling into this old age/poverty thing - sucks - lost illusional markers
of 'success' with 'nice office job', car, cottage.. well, still have
friends, car, cottage.. office job had turned not so nice..
Wed Feb 27.19 nm rain drizzle
Today: Photoshop morning
Call Fitzer's office about blood tests
Kaiser about Medicare
Coordinate tax stuff
2-minute movie about Frida?
Take care of myself, don't contact people every day - good for me, easier
No cannabis, sleep same as ever.
Tue Feb 26.19 nm
Mon after pshop laid around.. internet.. bucket of choc pudding,
nap.. rest rest rest don't mind much, don't even feel isolated or
desiring company.. rainy day will do that.. so far don't mind
terribly not going to coast - it was enjoyable, but still mainly a
way to fill time which I did - like a dog and his balls - because I
Woke ~5am, short vid for Nu, deep on and off sleep.. up @9:45! rainy
again, and yes - rain - but for first time thought embrace this,
embrace this change.. I see "retired and loving it' here and there,
and as well, notion that some company will see, interview, hire me
full-time is not only highly unlikely, but of uncertain desirability
- not that I don't want to work full-time, but uncertain I have
physical/mental strength to work in current high-pressure,
high-stress office environment, and I'm not suited suited for
physical labor, ditch-digging carrying heavy boxes all day...
Maybe late-Mid March once Medicare is settled, web site, resume online,
job hunt.. also research how people like me survive old age,
Medicare, living on fixed/SS income.. life will always be stressful,
need to be rocked and cradled.. don't fear change to point of
paralysis.. embrace this time of more sleep etc.. Stacey just posted
this.. first line about always being
exhausted - resting Sat, Sun is
Authorities' day.. Master's Day... Lord's Day, whatever.. one feels
so great liberated during vacation... returning to work so awful..
losing one's job so fearful painful..
But still - life is short.. I may die in next 2 years - any time.. anything can
happen.. I am enjoying this free time so far as physical & mental
healing - good sleep, so good.. just to sleep when one needs to - is
that an outrageous desire?.. my
knees, thighs, limbs better.. right? Not being made to feel worthless and
wrong at a job. I was good at bagel stores, I was good at Big Shot,
I was good at Presentations, training, client support - never perfect - but good, and
appreciated. I do good yard work, did good photos for Scott. I get
to take credit for viral Frida pic - just fun, that's all - but
enjoying fun, minor celebrity from both GT and Frida - is okay; they
are evidence of my talent and drive. Also, I'm a good person. Avoid
Take classes, do web site, put up resume.. put myself out there.. relax
and enjoy, yes.
Mon Feb 25.19 hm 4pm
Rough sleep.. pshop class 9-12 - moldy hungover after 2.5 beers at Plough
w/burger & chat with Susan who'd I'd met there 1x before
Groceries, burrito in bowl, not buying more CBD gummies.. reading articles
about how hard to find jobs, stressful, underpaid working
conditions, etc - it is not very encouraging.. not good.. not at
all.. what's a 64yr old to do? Live & enjoy while I can.. just like
Another day of rest.. I look at LinkedIn, all 20-somethings, encouraged to
sell themselves so hard, all positions needing experience, which you
probably get by interning, volunteering, working without pay.. like
always... it's not nice.
Time for Social Security, food stamps, Medicare, whatever other gov't
hand-outs available.. sign..
Big log bms.. more salad please.
Blue cheese & jalapeño Plough burger was yummy, w/60s Canned Heat,
Steppenwolf, Graham Nash & live Irish fiddlers harps etc - good
stuff - life is good.
Some time invite Tom to Plough for food/chat. Don't expect him to be
willing to talk; but also don't demean myself.
Sun Feb 24.19 nm
Does it help to dump negative thoughts here, bucking myself up - yes,
probably, don't overthink.. keep busy and think positive is all one
can do.. yes..
Grateful or turkey club @Nomad
Responded to Beth's email
Let K/L know about blood results - more in, no debates (at high end of
safety zone?), no syphilis..
To me, anyone who can buy a house is wealthy, as to poor people my car
makes me wealthy, we are all in perilous positions, that's life..
buying a house likely means going deep into debt - balancing equity
etc.. having IRAs and stocks guarantees nothing..
Fun IMs w/Nuria - we have a nice/supportive artistic encouraging adult
Sat rested.. that's okay - rough week sleep (because of
Dermatologist/blood work tension? Doctors, hospitals = authority,
chastisement, law, which sometime I need to push back on - class,
health stuff, apply for Medicare - yes, all that - tiring - sleep
~11? sleep in till 9am - man, getting all this sleep
is so good for my body/mind - highlights
exhaustive unhealthy heartless nightmare of jobs/capitalism.. life
force drained out by seductive vampire system.. adverts, fly to this
resort live like you're rich for a week - I did that with Eric/music
festival, well worth it - live music ecstasy, friend in a beautiful
spot, comfortable cabin, TV western male bonding.,. no regrets..
people who helped me, Gil, Karen, Eric.. get all I got..
12:20.. sun poking out.. did front yard 'weeding' - that works.. more
today? Stroll somewhere? Use my body. I feel I ought not be
tired from a week with NO WORK.. but school and living is a
real thing - I have less energy now mid-60s, embarrassed/ashamed to
admit I am tired, when some friends - billions around world - seem
to work much harder than I.. okay.. fine.. don't complain! But also
lovingly protect myself. DON'T COMPLAIN!
Life is good.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
I'm doing the right things. School and restful break. My legs/knees
Sat Feb 23.19 nm
After morning class, blood work, laundry - home and sleep, nap ~4-6?
Laptop, salad, laptop.. 1/2 CBD gummy, no effect? Another 1/2, sleep
Up ~5 - laptop - sleep ~6-8, but depressed about life in general - that's
okay, everyone is depressed about life in general. You got to make
it through somehow, and there is no answer - sex, over, marriage is
not an answer. Separate the 2. Reminding myself to live for this
moment seems to help. Worrying about future does no good.
Having extra $$ was fun, provided more ways to deal with boredom..
compared to many stressful times in my life this is not bad..
worrying about getting old or dying serves no purpose, since it is
inevitable.. divorce days, also unemployed, was much worse, lat go
by bank job I was devastated.. Gil's death wiped me out.. there was
no upside.. with Mom's death there was upside that I was with her,
reading bible to her, holding her hand.. at least I know there was a
tangible thing that might have made her going easier for her , as
well as for me.. yes.. for me.. yes yes ..
As for N, focus on past hurts serves no purpose, acknowledge yes, then
forgive her, forgive myself, forgive us, let go of past.. we were
not ready for each other then.. either of us could back off.. all we
know for sure is friendship.. focus on that, stick with that.. S
stuff, music stuff.. all that's in the way..
Yes, life is scary, children, poverty, dead spouse, etc etc.. financial
stuff always an issue. Keep your sunny side up. Have friends. Do
things you like.?
What do I like? Even if it doesn't make $$, it's important to do what you
like to stay mentally healthy!
Frida montage happened same year as Scott suicide, lots of attention, job,
friends, affirmation, photos in rereleases, then Gil died.. okay -
that's over.. old, over.. let go.. move on.. no living for past..
Fri Feb 22.19 laundry
Thur pm annoying video editing in PShop class, teacher not properly
prepared, one student asking question nearly every step, "Where is
that, I don't see it. Oh there it is. I see it" Shut up!! Haha - I
have been that student. Be kind, patient, generous. I am learning
stuff, but teacher lacks focus. I've been that teacher.
Again, Sleep ~11-5 - then on-off snooze, half hour here, there, gentle..
sad.. wept a bit after getting out of bed.. teacher shot pics of
friend, older, used to sell cannabis books, but no market for them
now, and he's struggling. Poked my own worries, and about life in
general. It can be hard - good times, bad times.
'Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover that you'd just be
One more person crying'
Sleep in, coffee/no food at nm, MAC class 10-11:30, blood work place near
Kaiser appt @noon, went smoothly, barely felt the prick, and 6 vials
took barely 2 minutes, small bit of urine, and results Mon.
Some of current feel good is because I waited so long, months of
procrastination - could have done this months ago - but feels so
good to stress and wait; I am that guy. Still - lots done I think
last few days. Including long, intense chat w/N including past
hurt/pain.. sort of dramatic and I'm feeling off-balance now.
This morning tearful weepiness, did not seem to be about anything in
particular - N stuff? Life in general? Again? All of it - it is okay
to be sad and cry - life is both sad and joyful and mixed.
No plans today nor weekend. Start organizing taxes? Olampoli? Santa Rosa
to visit Eric?
Will I ever work again? How will I make a little extra cash?
Suppose it is only touch: massage, hand job, admiration - relatively
innocent - nice to be touched, not reciprocal, and that's all?
Maybe don't use soap nor shampoo.
Thu Feb 21.19 nm
Sleep okay but waking early morning then snoozing till ~8.. general
economic stress... anyone without college, without huge college debt
or wealthy families, has same worries.. living in tent or car.. I,
healthy white male w/family & means of sort (for now), will not be
1st in neediness list.. anyway.. well, Oregon trailer park anyone?..
11am Medicare call/looking at 120-page PDF now - confusing!
2pm Dermatology appt in Oakland
Video editing BAS 6:30-9:30
Holding grudges, letting go - difficult - conceding that I may not
be 'right', etc.
Checked with L re Syphilis etc on blood test - it is (sent
pics of paperwork - results should be in quickly/48hrs - do it
tomorrow morning after 10-11:30 MAC class. There's a San Pablo
office. But call to check, make sure they're open then and drop-in
Signed up for Medicare on phone with Wendy - scary/depressing - if you get
sick you're fucked - MED pays 80%, so a big bill will break you -
~300/mo covers everything including drugs - call AARP, N Oak Sr
Center for more info.
Derma place is 20min walk, on Telegraph, nice. But drive so I am not
Financial insecurity, big bugaboo, all my life, our lives, and it's just
like I thought. Poverty sucks :-D.
Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Local Buddhist temple?
I did good today - not perfect - good!
Ate for mental energy, prepared for Medicare call, signed up
for Medicare - asked good questions. Need to talk to Kaiser now
IM'd w/L about what to check for re blood work.
Made appt for blood work noon tomorrow.
Called Shirley - left message.
Derma appt, made notes/brought up everything I wanted, listened to
answers, going to have treatment for face bumps. Hydrogen peroxide
on bump on cheek?
Video editing class tonight.
Last night skimmed American Scoundrel Civil War book & wiki'd. Fun!
I'm so anxious - takes some joy out of life. Contact Tom? Write back to
Beth? Visit Lisa for meal and explore Napa?
Mental fogginess/tight throat most over.. good.. no flu for now.
Get a wider-brimmed hat for sun protection, and water-resistant blocker.
Wed Feb 20.19 nm 6pm
Pshop in morning
Cancelled call about night-shift job I can't take
N chat, says don't skip dermatology appt tomorrow, many
subjects, etc - past hurts, hiding..
Made phone plan unlimited/paperless
Added HTML editor to laptop
Liked to HTML tutorial
Links to website builders & HTML tutorials
Check on Google youtube for video editing class
Get blood-tested for all STIs Friday afternoon
Emailed lady about Medicare
Contact Oakland Senior Center & AARP about
Lots of small but good steps.
Now, less laptop, more reading.
Yeah yeah yeah - walk away from angrylambie - it was fun - it's
over, Game Theory is over, Scott is over, Frida with gun is over..
move on.. damn..
Tue Feb 19.19 nm
Instead of talking to myself here, maybe I should be talking to
friends and to myself outside.. meditation, walking etc.. working
things out internally.. force isolation issue..? not to point of
People say do not marry to avoid loneliness, nor for companionship,
wtf? What better reason then? Children? True love?
Mon pm Plough for corned beef/1 pint.. hm ~8? 1/2 CBD gummy,
then another 1/2 before sleep - might be helping with anxiety, might
be in my mind.. not helping with sleep(?)... use year to be person
I'd like to be, within reason, not a profile that does not match my
needs and abilities.. but more exercise, reading, walking, outreach
to friends & family.. yard work, opportunity to be outside using my
hands.. stay in school regardless..
I read SS benefit go up 8% each year, if so waiting till 66 only
makes sense.. a big gamble... I can retire now, no way to know if I
die from cancer in 1 or 2 years, or if I live another 20.. damn...
life is full of mystery.. if I take the year between now and SS at
66, fill that year with amazing life..
Fast-paced, heartless, high-pressure office work these days..
dunno.. watching EAs @B**n stressed, waking from home, B**n
exhausting even their best performers.. high-energy super competent
C**i in GFX dept passing out at his desk from sheer exhaustion.. I
feel like there's no point into trying to get into that scene - why
fake it? -, entry level wages, exhausting myself into poor health,
mentally & physically.. since Sept my body&mind feel entirely
different - not stress-free, but pain-free, able to think, kneel,
squat, walk... WTF.. that sort of work stress is considered normal..
Go through motions, if necessary tell them I am not interested in
that job with long-commute/low pay/non-qualified, am interested in
something closer to home - do not burn bridges (says Karen),
let them know the kind of job I am interested in. Get back to them.
Nan visiting in ~1 month.
Is part of sore throat, foggy head from social exhaustion of UK
guests and their friends?
this - which has value, but maybe not so much it deserves this daily
energy - easy morning dump - I could be reading a book and
challenging my mind. Dumps have value, but does a dump deserve
30-minutes daily examination?
Mon Feb 18.19 nm
Tight throat, cloudy thinking - last 2 days.. not getting worse?
Hope it's not flu.. slept in, tried one of Blue's 4-1 CBD/THC
gummies.. relaxing/a bit high, but rough sleep. Anti-anxiety part
was okay - took 1/4 this morning as experiment - don't like 'high'
part tho very mild.
One thing at a time!
Turned off phone apps/cleared cache to save data, need it for long
N vid chats; seem to have enough for continued chats - we agree we
like to see each other while talking.
Paid phone bill.
Karen is home, on train from CAM to KL w/Xo.
Noticed most my Facebook = art pages - snoozed all for 30days/hid
fb phone app further.
Today contact lady about Medicare.. how to decide, who can I
talk to? How to sign up online? Email and start process.
On thing at a time.
Otherwise, chill, eat Vit C(?), chicken noodle soup, whiskey?
Medicare first, skin looked at this Thu afternoon. Blood
Worrying accomplishes nothing - stress & anxiety accomplish
nothing, make me sick, block my thinking - wake up every morning
with Yes! Thank you! Be good today! Time off work has allowed
me to relax, feel human, develop deeper friendships and appreciation
Read! It may not be exciting - better than
facebook/rereading news stories/distracted by Trump's garbage. Read!
Fun stuff/Bible in between.
Sun picked up K&B at Telegraph Rose hotel, visit
cottage/tell stories - Josquin, leaks, Karen's time here, earthquake
- , give K elephant pin w/baby elephant for Xo, give blue a few
Viagra. Drop them at poet Linda's, chat w/ Nan end of Fairview for
good signal, park in front of Linda's, wait for K&B, when they come
out introduce them to Nan on vid chat. No parking for Target
downtown, Trader Joe's for K stuff to bring home, wine for
Monique/Dominico, San Pablo lamp store closed, Good Vibrations, M&Ds
for chat wine sipping. Airport trip easy - I'm mentally foggy, kinda
sucks being mildly zombified, but manageable - beautiful glowing
pink clouds/full moon on way out.
Okay - just one thing to do today - 2, maybe 3,, choose books to
read, de-clutter cottage, email lady about Medicare - call Shirley?
5:18 pm home
Took Rubin book to Moe's/Karen's albums to Amoeba - trade for
each.. taking it very easy in hopes of not getting flu/cold... very
mild tightness in sinuses, throat better, mind still cloudy..
Got call from Williams Lea (went to VM), want to talk about job I
applied for "before"... ~6 months ago? Huh? Not the south bay one I
hope. Hope this is not a way to have me turn down a bad not-workable
job then cut off my unemployment... could I take a pm job? Deal with
a one hour commute? I keep getting sent jobs running GFX department!
Do not have experience. I'm a grunt, a glorified typist. Should I
try anyway.. could it be time? I have a bad feeling about WL.. about
office pressure, being too much, fast, exhausting, quick burn-out,
cruel.. still in pain about what happened at Bain... all I gave, my
rep, innovations, support, being a 'legend', good trainer.. none of
that saved me... in end, dept head insulted/disrespected me.. gave
my special tasks to another.. yeah, saw it coming, layers of lies..
Maybe walk to Plough - if they're open? Corned beef dinner.
Meantime, laying around was the right call.
Sun Feb 17.19 nm
Sat not much, gravel for side walk, gas up, groceries - pick
up K&B ~6 at OAK, straight to their hotel on Telegraph - I'm
slightly out of sorts - maybe mild cold coming on? Or stress?
FatApples dinner, check Spats/it's changed - no more comfy couches -
The Pub on Solano, nice but, 10pm too late to start drinking.. Karen
I think concerned about me driving them so much, I finally get it
and say no I want to do it etc etc. But later, while talking, drive
through a re delight on Dwight nr Telegraph.. shit. be careful.
People die that way, asshole. Pay attention!
Quick chat w/N while gassing car; religion., CS Lewis, Greek
Orthodox, divinity of Christ, which bible we both own, etc. Touchy
Might be concentrated? But good action this morning.
Now, do I run home for quick shower, or that can wait till later
this afternoon while they lunch with Linda. Yeah, relax, and enjoy
this last day with them. Nap as necessary, and call N.
This is my life, it strikes me, seeing Marge and john - while I'm
feeling old - that here I am ~65, and there's John Henry 90.. 25yrs
older.. I am not near death, so I need to have another course of
income, MacJob on top of Social Security, probably need to move to
less expensive area, and also have things to fill the time - boredom
and depression likely to affect both health and mortality. Does a
life partner help? Is it a reason to Marry.
Oh, if I get blood work done, is there time in next 2 weeks
before COBRA coverage ends? Do blood test this week! Likewise skin
doctor - get a look on the 23rd, but then will Medicare cover? My
fault, I waited too long and did not focus. Big changes now man,
Otherwise, life is good. :-)
Sat Feb 16.19 nm
Fri sleep in a bit, lv for Davis ~9:15, 1/2 way up downpour,
to cemetery for vid for N, catch hard rain turning into hail..
downtown for cash & coffee.. bring ceramic dinner set with child and
bunny on art loan.. good to see them.. move John Henry's bday pics
into Marge's computer, figure out a way to move choices from one
folder to another.. cool! The MAC class @BAS helped :-)
Yummy breakfast in Dixon w/good talk, old attractive bldgs,
afterward stroll, 1/2 way cross converted railroad trestle, cold'ish
post-rain white winter sun morning. beautiful sunny drive home, lots
of clouds, Shelley's farm flooding - make photo choices/copy to
thumb drive.. got it done! They were grateful I took time, I said
I'd have come to visit anyway - true - but, felt good to do them
this favor, pics = nice gifts to send to friends.
Lv ~4, rest stop ~1/2 way, call Nan, fading, need food, drive to
fast food & call back. Talk ~1hr? Health, dizziness, ear candle, my
skin damage, cancer, aging, we are close to same age. Good talk.
This weekend for Karen/Blue.. pick up at airport tonight,
errands/visits tomorrow.. airport in evening.
Then blood work, re-focus on school stuff. All things remaining
equal, I'll likely be living on savings for a year, keep taking
classes & start job hunt web site etc. See about WIPA support -
they've disappeared. It's tough out there job-wide, despite the
lies. But if I do good work may help me find actual job that suits
me. Talk to someone about early retirement & Medicare BCD. Dang.
Likely it is less difficult that I think, lots of my current anxiety
is from not knowing/uncertainty.. pre-action anxiety - once done
it'll be fine..
Lots of hard rain/hail for days, ceiling/roof holding steady,
bathroom floor flooded one afternoon.
Life is good. Bed is warm. My belly full.
Board in Dixon for people to chalk on - Before I die I want to___..
have friends, experience life with money, learn to take good care of
myself, have lovers, do art, read.. there's not much on my bucket
list I have not accomplished.. now, good life, continue.. as
opportunities opened, I took them.. jobs, friends, music festivals,
sobriety, rock photography, rock tours..
Do not put tons of shame on myself about financial situation, the
system is set up to fuck lower classes. I am mainly working class,
but my father was a public figure of sorts, hung out with
politicians etc, which inflated my sense of entitlement, which gains
me a crushing self-contempt because I do not have his skills. Same
as Joe & Nan?
It's nice to see how mark L and his Dad love each other.
I feel good.. yesterday was fun, hanging out with family &
friends - my outreach.. if worrying about the future is bugging me,
stop worrying about it - there are things I can do, and I'm doing
them, but there's no 100% answer, so don't sweat it. I'll survive
somehow. Marge's friend got burned out and they moved into a
trailer. Worrying about loosing what I have is taking joy out of
life. Enjoy it every day while it's here.
Fri Feb 15. Dixon. we all look happy,
Thu Feb 14.19 nm
raining still - hard - nice sound on roof - day 2 - rough sleep,
but nice to sleep in warm & comfy, concerns about making
Medicare decision but have months, they make it sound so scary, even
with it - regardless of choice - a medical emergency could
bankrupt one - no fun - lovely - so much poverty - maybe I do want
to be taken in, maybe there's no choice... of course we all do, we
are not all John Wayne Capitalist fantasy -
Of course.. don't be intimidated by The Big Lie. I love comfy
cottage with skylight & Buff/DJ. It's so cool and lucky. I am
Friends who give me cars. Which I use to drive other friends
around, pick up from airport. Donate to Xoxo's education - this is
what good people do. I'm a good person.
Sat in bed with face in laptop for hours, rereading same news
stories,. uh.. think about death bed, what will I regret - not
reading more, not walking more, not looking for more human contact,
for lovers.. proverbial pleasures of flesh.. yes..
Facebook indeed is not working for me - too much time there - it
serves a purpose, & like alcohol. a little feels good/is
helpful socially., & as with alcohol, I thought if a little bit
feels good, fills a hole, then more, a lot more will feel even
better - will fill all holes.. then you lose.. so use fb a little,
as a tool, not a crutch..
Sit in Nomad on a rainy day reading the Bible, keeping mind
active.. enjoy this free time - it may be a year work free, then
retirement with part-time jobs.. dunno - but enjoy life - do not
define myself as victim of lay-off which was not my fault.. don't
keep talking about it, it's been 6 months.. if it comes up just say
"my department was dissolved and I'm in school.." Keep it
short. No one (except close friends) need details.
HMTL 1-4, home for dinner > Video in Photoshop 6:30-9:30. It'll be
fine. This is good - sleeping in is good, my body which was stiff,
sore, breaking out, worn out is feeling better - taking stairs 2
at a time.
I may look back on this if I live long enough as a good time. Now,
in my heart, I know this is a good time. But feel guilty/ashamed
about not being financially independent.
Wed Feb 13.19 nm
Raining like crazy - maybe drop by Richard press, contact Medicare
lady/AARP/Buff/DJ.. things.. web site..
Might be a lousy job, but there'll be a job - okay? Relax and
** 2:30 back from Pshop class - raining constant since last
night - fuck productivity -
Brought tax stuff/side-of-bed paper pile/Bible, now blogging
Feeling kind of good along with anxiety.. have I turned a corner?
Divvy up pile at home, start Bible.. Richard tomorrow morning on
way to school - HMTL 1-4, then Pshop video-editing 6:30-9:30 - then
& Mon off.
Sat/Sun K & Blue airport trips -
Okay.. get things done..
** 3:30 Hmp - went thru paper pile - still too big and disorganized
- but, separated tax, from BAS modules, unemployment paperwork,
addresses etc.. head home soon for further filing/organizing, move
comers/screen beneath bed and general simplifying, maybe throw some
shirts away that I'll never wear... set up online BoA acct for EDD
card (~7K), updated Google sheets budget.. still ~99, and 89 after
taxes. That's a comfort..
Brought Bible with me. I'm over Tom taking copy I was reading from
to Mom. Good.
I'm not perfect, but I sort of like me. :-)
Tue Feb 12.19 nm
Right, does blog need any more to be public.. will I ever go back &
read them? Couple times I've gone back looking for specific dates..
Gil read them.. for me it was a way to put myself out there
fearlessly, I learned one can do that and not be hurt; I know that
now. That was beneficial. It still helps to write things out,
encourage myself, see where my thoughts are going.. it felt good to
be part of internet "community", idea sold by advertisers and data
collectors.. but now? Do I need this site at all? It costs money,
and there are free online web site pages. So...
It's a feel or form of connection, but maybe it's bullshit.. one
hates to lose illusions..
Morning work dream: At Bain, get left behind, others go to car, no
shoes, what to do, I know I can't run to destination - running down
halls - lobby, me shirtless, Office Head Neil C walks by across
room, notes me in peripheral - I say about benefit of room "It may
be one place you can be alone." Then talking to Ginger C (old GFX
dept head), can't hear what she's saying.. despite other people in
room, kiss her, she returns kiss wet, passionately.. I'm like
what?!? Learned about job end Mid July.. so.. 7 months ago, now
dream about traumatic rejection/separation.. are their talk groups
for people who have been laid off? How to find peace/serenity as a
Tax stuff now, opening fb/gt tax docs to print at school..
Medicare starts in March, best to take care of that now!
It's cold, I'm unhappy, feel trapped/doomed.. that is life, get
used to it.. there is much happiness, much to enjoy/be grateful for
- everyone goes through this.. keep your sunny side up..
For one: If I wrote only here I could include more details, but - I
don't want to write just for myself, I do want an audience,
attention - and why would I ever need to write stuff for myself -
e.g., daily errands not necessary - and when do I ever go back and
read the sexual events I wrote, or Gil's death (once I reread to get
date I think)..
Just a thought - a comfort, okay, an illusion, at least acknowledge
itself as such.. get real..
Seemed to have stopped smoking pot..
Visit Richard at press tomorrow.
Mon Feb 11.19 nm 1:30pm Beautiful day, iced coffee
Now errands, mostly house stuff - realized I missed firs Phsop
video editing class last Thursday.. attend this week, see how it
goes, first check if it's even on!
Savings down from 10-11 to 8K this week, unemployment card building
up.. so there's that, rent, last COBRA payment - it's okay.. put my
name & work out on social media/web site and look for $$-making
Started Same Time Next Year last night, finish tonight.. made long
list of things to do, start today.. moved facebook app to last phone
page, and changed laptop home page to Wikipedia.. start stepping
back from facebook... remove facebook phone icon, so I have to
Today's the day..
Now's the time
Investing more time on a friendship doesn't mean the friendship
improves, or we like each other more, it means we don't use the
things we don't like to avoid contact..
Gas, vacuum, organize car
Weeded some front yard clover
Sewed sleeves of Mexican shirt
Mouse trap by stove
Finished Same Time Next Year
Finished Jerry Rubin: Did It!
Phoned N after scary car spin-out on ice, talk quilting/jelly roll
Good sign, keep moving & doing
What did Paul Lynde say: It's amazing what you can do when you have
What about blogging and not making it public?
Sun Feb 10.19 nm
Let's say it again, every day:
Feed myself relatively healthy
Read, drive, bathe, sew, cook
Get to school on time, pay attention
Good worker - legendary at Bain - helped many
Good trainer - well-reviewed by trainees
Supported friends through tough time
Worked sincerely on family relationships, esp Mother & Father
Artistic talent, innovative, problem solver
Enjoy nature, hikes
Cool living space - built my bed, clean bed clothes, pillows - a
good space for comfortable rest/sleep in
Art to please my eyes
Honest with myself best I can
Appreciate the value of honesty
Appreciate the support & love of friends, and return love best I
Cutting back on cannabis
Cutting back on facebook - moved app to back of phone, changed
laptop home to Wikipedia - 1 step at a time
All the people have their problems - still, have compassion for
myself: losing best friend, mother, job is tough.. I am not made of
N 3hr vidchat in car by Whole Foods as night/rain storms and falls
- then Plough for Bread Pudding, which attracted attention from bar
and nearby tables..
To be friends people need to spend time together, since we live in
different states the vid chats are best we have
Goodness, I'm looking old, multiple chins bother me.. nothing I can
do, so wince a bit and keep moving..
Old age can be a struggle - most of us will face it if we live long
enough.. not only $$ but health issues.. so.. prepare.. get healthy,
develop good habits, positive mental exercise.. but always
keep in mind, no one knows when they're time is.. no one can
comprehend their own end.. but we all end.. enjoy every sandwich..
All Things Must Pass...
Enjoy every breath, challenge and blessing...
Sat Feb 9.19 nm
Thu.. afternoon HMTL class, made a simple web site - drive K
to see Liz bottom of Solano, Indian Rock w/Blue - beautiful
Mediterranean glow - finally, great big view of entire Bay Area..
rock extra textured golden beautiful - up steep Marin just to see
it, back down > Rose Garden > hah no roses in Winter.. Goth..
Drop them at M&D's, home for quick nap, pick up Buff, Lanesplitters
beer/pizza.. Richard, Dominico, daughter Julia - fun - K took fun
pic end of night..
Fri morning MAC class, pick up Gordos Burritos, then Blue &
K at Monique & Dominico's -
Richmond Bridge to GG Bridge, Headlands first - stormy hard rain
the whole way - bummer - beautiful/cold/miserable - good views, big
container boat goes beneath bridge - explore more/Hawk Hill battery,
tunnels, videos, military remains top of hill, 2 crows.. stop below
at Ft Mason, shoot Vertigo pic -
Cross bridge - cool, Blue dug it - GGB from above, below & on.. to
Wei Wei's - she strongly invites me to overnight, I need a break, a
bit uncomfortable saying no - she is assertive! just her style -
drive her to school to sing, then K&B to ocean, mostly dk overcast,
but southern sunset big white clouds yellow glows.. sad they are
going, drop them off, <1hr home rush hour,, straight to bed..
1/4 burrito, no pot, sleep well (noted!) - if I get exercise, eat,
socialize, I am worn out/need sleep -
So yeah - I'm addicted - Richard suggested I used discipline to
quit alcohol, I can use same discipline to quite facebook/internet..
This: live for today
Thu Feb 7.19 nm
Slept in till ~9? Yeah good cold morning - thinking about Dec N
visit - class at 4 - general fear and anxieties about life, which is
dangerous/unkind - no one ever said life was fair/nice - dog eat
dog, big fish eat small fish.. many with far less than I.. etc..
Tues Drive K to City Club.. ? Days all mixed up - HTML in
afternoon - did I drive K&B home from fair & drop at
Monique/Dominico - didn't go in.. groceries..
Wed morning Phsop class - chill, contact K @ book fair, head
over ~2, stay till 4, drive K home, Monique drives Blue, San Pablo
Spanish Tapas - fun, good - I thought I was low-blood-sugar, but
more likely dehydrated.. drank tons of water and felt better -
K&B in town, book fair, Monique/Dom visits distracts me from
situation life fears - better than burying face in laptop, staying
bed, internet sex pics etc - N said this week I am living full
life.. friends, art, food, fresh air - yes - Tessa quit fb for 3
days but stayed on Messenger - good idea..
How to del with tons of free time.. how to make a little extra $$
on the side to supplement SS.
K&B leave for LA Sun.. Fri I drive them to SF.. then
deal with SS, etc..
Extending Unemployment benefits is looking very unlikely, but look
Idea is not to find job-shaped activity to fill time left by being
let go - it's to rejigger my life into fulfillment, mental and
physical health - things I like to do - I keep thinking it has to be
photography, photoshop, something big like the Frida - let that go,
it is not so..
To a hammer everything looks like a nail, unemployed person
everything looks like a job, horny everyone looks like a lover, poor
everyone looks wealthy, depressed everyone looks happy..
Trying to Make Bad Relationships Work
Thinking I have more in common with the person I’m dating than I
Being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness
Staying in a relationship only out of fear of losing the person
Tue Feb 5.19 nm
Mon wiped out - worries me I'm so fatigued, like last year+
or so at work - always tired - is it normal work life, or is it
me/me aging? Is it enough to be ready/willing to work as well as I
can? I am hopeful, but realistic. Normal/okay to hope to be saved,
no scenario in mind, not realistic, too much to try to put on anyone
else - we are selfish, not charities, not saints. Savior/saved not a
proper relationship; that's for baby Jesus.
Anyway - wiped out - maybe hungover - depressed/despairing at
laundromat, felt okay soon as stepped out into fresh cold air,
sunshine, big-ass complete bright rainbow - chill in bad, ~1hr Nan
vid-call, ~8 Bowl dinner, etc, food for Karen - picking her up to
drive to Richmond ~11 -
Felt good to sleep in.. Heavy rain/hale last night.. bed warm..
extra sleep v good for morale.. ~10hrs.. civilized.. yes..
Mon Feb 4.19 laundry 1pm
Sat errands w/K&Blue.. pick them up ~noon? Robbie's - K
stuff in basement, measure, explore, hi to Katie, acknowledge I was
sort of her Uncle Robert years ago - hugs and
acknowledgement/attention - play with cat, air hockey.. Mexican
lunch on Solano - big burritos/aqua frescas - Pegasus (them),
Peet's.. Goine's press, talk with Richard long time, Richard & I
glad to see each other - visit him - brief vid-chat w/N in bathroom
- dark/rainy/cold/gloomy - Monique/Dominico's, a beer, I drive
Monique for wine etc at University Trader Joe's, back at home
sit in car, she asks about job loss and I explain impact/steps
taken.. we go in for glass of wine snacks then me home ~8?
Sun Nomad/Bowl for sushi/sandwich for Blue/Karen - Drive
them to Richmond book fair, K gives me beautiful necklace, hang on
car mirror - after an hour head out, spontaneous cross Richmond
Bridge, B interested in normal American town, notes lack of American
flags, visit Mission San Rafael/main street, record store etc.. let
Blue absorb at his pace, no conflicts, easy communication - ~3 back
south, visit K at fair, bring her sandwich/phone power cord - Albany
Mallard bar for Super Bowl - fun, not a good football game, but fine
for his first, and also now he's seen a Super Bowl - 2.5 beers &
free hot grub at bar..
Up Solano looking for ? food - Monique & Dominico's for much talk,
Richard there from press, he offers to make me a low-cost business
card, wine, food, stay till ~10pm.. too much alcohol - safe to
drive, no "hangover" but.. ehhh..
Today - burned out - up 6:45am, to drive K to Richmond - but
it's symposium nr campus! - drop off, home, back to bed for hours..
snooze, feel better, internet - ~noon salad -laundry -
Lots & lots & lots of Internet.. Tessa just took a 3-day break -
not from Messenger, from facebook - that could work..
Cut Photoshop 1 class this morning, that's acceptable - alone time
break - maybe Buff/DJ tonight? Car junked up - clean that, too.
Visitors distract from day-to-day anxieties, plus fun good to see
them meet Blue give receive love etc, need not be said..
Don't feel bad about feeling bad, be okay with things not being
I may get a job! So enjoy this free time.
Sat Feb 2.19 nm
Fri w/Blue Karen - morning MAC class/chat w/instructor
about HTML class - says I can sit-it/observe, no need to do homework
etc - she gets it. Okay.
K need to work, ~noon drive w/Blue to Telegraph, Peet's, People's
Park/mural, head shop, campus, Sproul, lower Sproul Zellerbach,
Campanile is open! Elevator to top - cool! Cold wind, drizzly;
Durant sushi place lunch/old-fashioned donuts (take out for Karen),
Cal store, Amoeba Records.. sending pics to Karen/Vic throughout -
easy going - introvert creative types..
I am that type, too - make note - it's okay to love myself as such
- nothing wrong with me that I am not high-charged bouncy extrovert
good at math preferred by corporate America.
Back to Monique's - K eats, go over her TED letter, needs more time
- B&I to Berkeley Marina - man riding Zen dog statue - drink? Karen?
Rainy and gloomy! Pick up Karen, come back for Drink by gloomy water
view - I talk about post-job confusion a bit, fear of uncertainty.
Processing - adjusting to major change. Good to talk it out. Worried
about K's load.
Down San P, stop at Ashkanez, Solano landmarks - library, laundry
(where E&K decided to move to UK), Peets - Saul's for simple
soup/sandwich/beer dinner - pics to Vic.
Drop them off, tired and talked out - sleep 10:30 - up ~3-4,
sleep/snooze till 9'ish. Erotic N dreams. Smoothie, shower, Nomad.
Talked to K/B about.. good part of being unemployed - somewhere
between working till burnout vs. boredom of nothing to do - working
till burnout not good. Enjoy this time. Part-time work & Social
Security could work. Anxieties about changes normal, and always
there. New thing it quick change from being in flow, to focus at end
Short-term fear/anxiety mixed w/general self-doubts etc.. so yeah -
therapy would be nice.
Extended unemployment unlikely.
Medicare will happen.
More school at Berkeley City College unlikely to happen.
WIOA support unlikely to happen.
Part time contract work likely.
Social Security march 2020 likely.
AARP for both
taxes and Social Security
May drive K to Robbie's this afternoon.
Rained hard last night - no leaks - nice to be warm in bed rain on
Last week caught a rat in trap near oven. Today gas Suzie & new
Kitchen floor is gross - mop/sponge it.
Fri Feb 1.19 nm
Thu hang in bed, ~2:30 shower, check flights, OAK airport
K/Blue ~4 arrival - nice day, easy drive - quick vid chat w/N in car
Suggested drink, Starry Plough, cheesy pulled-pork fries &
fieldworks, Americana band w/cowboy attire, friendly social
atmosphere, chat w/band members w/Blue, great 1st intro to USA,
pics, videos, Matt Piucci showed up, chat/intro, K invites friend
over, he appears, walk Blue to dispensary, chat w/folks there, get
CBD sleep-aid gummies.. down to (what're their names??) hang a few
minutes, discuss coming schedule -
Plough turned out to be fortuitous - beers, American junk food,
good local beers, friends.. I had 2 beers, maybe got bit
over-active loud, but .. watch it.. it's okay
90min MAC class this morning - discuss dropping out of HTML class
Wed talked to school help guy at BAS, looks like WIOA is
down for count? Not at 1-stop BAS, nor downtown Oakland - he gave me
name of other non-profit office might help.
I think BAS is end of line school-wise.. EDD unlikely to extend
unemployment part-time school.. Photoshop 2 next 'semester'..
So, ~3more months of unemployment, then live in savings, and
looking for job..
Stressing about Medicare & Social Security.. get on both.. where to
get support, also AARP tax help.. as a member, they may support me
Set up call with EDD re schools..
I'm good - I want what I have.. the shift from looking to future,
to being old and waiting for end is tough and scary.. letting go of
old illusions and hope.. life is hard.. Sooz says she is a
fatalist.. talk to her about it..
But - Karen is in town! Last night at Plough was memorable
and lovely - met Blue - send vids/pics to Victoria.. Matt dropped
by.. ends meet.. worlds collide.. in a good way, yes..
Assume things will go well, I will survive, enjoy today, do what I
want.. fulfill my dreams.. some agency will help me find job..
Thu Jan 31.19 nm
Want to curl up into fetal position.. stay in bed.. not move, not
change, not try anything new..
Scared sad lost lonely..
End of job - Sep 19-Jan 19 - 5 months - classes with same teacher -
Alfred Miller - same seat mate - Yana - familiar faces - they kept
isolation of no job at bay - now they're gone and aloneness hitting
me - sad.. it'll pass..
Quitting HTML class, no coding, don't need it, don't like it or
have aptitude for it.. same hours Design class cancelled.. so
classes 3 days/week_ okay. Use that time: Web site. Resume. CalJobs.
EDD. Taxes. Job hunt. Bike walk. Meditate.
Vic chatting w/N working on friendship.
Look around at women with babies who are isolated, people living
isolated in tony boxes.. without a single friend.. future frightens
me - but today with friends in front house - social media
connections, video chats, Karen visiting today -I go to pick
them up ~4 - classes.. I'm not so isolated as all that.. having a
sad/fear day is all.. I can shake myself out of it..
Having extra days off to tidy cottage, read, focus on life is good
I enjoy so many blessings - count them - instead of counting all
the things that can go wrong.. keep a sunny side up.
Familiar faces in Photoshop class - that will help.
What makes me happy? Do those things and - let myself be happy.
Tantrum of fear.
Yet what I face is much less - just saying . what frightens
me is, my response to this situation, job loss, uncertain economic
future - how will I handle much more challenging situations likely
to come? Like everyone else, guess I'll just freak out and melt into
the gutter. Baby Jesus is not coming to save me. Got to do best I
can to save myself. That's all. If I'm doing my best - no one can
say anything. Is the best I can do a job? Yes. Play this out -
resume website etc.
Ahh - so sad.. it's overcast - sunshine would help.. seeing Karen
will help, meeting Blue.
Part of unhappiness is feeling like I lost or missed something -
fair enough, my employment got chopped.
But say I woke up today is first day of life, what cards
have I been dealt - aside from demographic (white male): I live in
cool cottage with yard to play in & supportive well-matched friends,
have ~80K in bank, a car, no credit card debt, a few good friends, a
goddaughter I love, siblings (including a brother in town), health
is good, Medicare coming up, Social Security available in ~1 year, I
did AA, generally my mental health is good - no substance abuse nor
addictions. Minor vices - sloth, porn.. but mainly under control.
Having no job weighs on me - but having one tho making my life
tolerable, did not make it 'okay'.
Breath into this. Find happiness, it is laying around in the dewy
grass waiting to be found and enjoyed. People with way less do it -
people with way more commit suicide. It is up to me to find my