Prepare to survive - part of survival is enjoyment / appreciation / healing.

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 Dr. Boyce: A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
 So there's that, Thu Mar 21.19 - don't wither away with face in computer - give it a go, life that is
 Sleeping in, when I can, and enjoying it - a full-time job is not necessarily the only answer - just surviving right? sometimes it's all u got
 Drop illusions, that good job gave me prestige - maybe in some other's eyes? Meh - so does beautiful yard, so does my art, being a good person and friend..
 sometimes it's just TV -
 Chasing romance and glamour rock star illusion etc - drop it - lighten my load - be mentally healthy - find what fulfills me.. and pursue it.. not trying to be Dad, or Mom.. being my best self..
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 Wed Mar 20.19 bed 5:30pm
 Decided to keep angrylambie - maybe I don't need to keep a public blog - in fact, might be better, more info, less "professional" "thrill" - also, keep the brand, and page with photos, Frida story - use angrylambie for my 'art'..
 Tues Birthday - 65 - Holy Shit - I feel fine, damn.. lots of fb birthday wishes put a nice glow on it, as well as being a beautiful day!
 Dutch girl in HTML class, we chatted easily, I'd been wanting to ask her out for coffee after class, she won't be around for last weeks of class, so during break I asked, if she wants to go out for coffee after class, first she said she had to get groceries, then said it can wait, she chose a place on Gilman, on way to her neighborhood - we chatted for ~90mins, that was fun and easy - cool. I was concerned about age diff, and if I was asking primarily because she is attractive.. she is smart & fun.. cool
 Box of bite size cakes from Shirley, call her soon!
 Joan & Jeff in Napa Sun.. depending on N's plans, maybe do that? 90min drive.. yes if I can.
 Need to call Kaiser soon to talk about plans, meeting an individual. Salesmanship so heavy, plans so confusing, my guess is most people sign up for whatever is on front of them just to have it done, without understanding what they're doing. Regardless of plan, they still may deny coverage. In essence, we are all fucked in the US "healthcare": system. Bummer.
 Looking into Spanish classes, Tai Chi, Buddhism, etc. Keep busy. Walk/bike to local library and read regularly.
 In one year, I can get SS - meantime, live well. And look for work. Yes.
 Unemployment runs out April I think. Maybe one whale watching Bragg trip early April after classes end.
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 Sun Mar 17.19 backyard 6:30pm
 Sat hang out - get bike out, take to Tilden, tire low, take to Missing Link - I'd just not pumped enough - cool. But I got it out - spaced out from allergies I reckon. Two wrenches for bike bolts. Long IM w/K&Vic about food, opened K's bday present, food book - read it. Get sugar out of my diet. Including starch/carbs. Veggie/fish. No bananas. Fewer eggs. No bread - just a spoonful or nut butter. fruit & nuts & low fat Greek yogurt. Walk to Bowl.
 Today, go through paper pile - not as bad as I thought - paid car reg, lots tossed out, check BAS classes - nothing! In April free to live retired while job hunting.
 Check w/Stacey, good day for birthday lunch - yummy Solano Thai! Nut ice cream walk around block - fun!
 Check Plough, $15 to get in, then more for beer and dinner.. no.
 Weather beautiful! Love it! Great for disposition! Get sweats/shorts from Goodwill, new jeans, walk fast daily.
 No pot nor coffee - cool. No more burgers and beer. Get a tattoo, or a ring, or whatever it takes to remind myself - no sugar. Meditate on no sugar. Run on no sugar. Talk to doctor/dietician about no sugar.
 IM'd Dan V & K about photos/tapes. Difficult discussion, but important. Important to have it in writing that they should have first shot at ownership. Whatever - difficult, but not important to focus on. Done. Doing it was the important thing. Done. we all have our issues.
 Tomorrow, find someone who will give me objective face-to-face Medicare info.
 Talk to South Berk Sr Center about tax help - what do they actually do? If not full support - do they recommend anyone? AARP?
 Once that's done, set up face appt.
 Call COBRA to cancel auto-pay. Rebate?
 Call ISP cancel angrylambie site/ Download everything first.
 Look for other classes.
 Fill my days with things I enjoy.
 Spring is here - birds and bees, lots of weeding (alley today).
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 Fri Mar 15.19 laundry
 More foggy head - is it mild bug, or spring fever, or brain cancer, or age - combo - or have I always been this way and just forget?
 Putting things off -pile of papers, envelopes, mail, etc - Medicare decision, taxes, Sr, Center, job hunt ha-ha, wtf  - there is not job for 65yr olds.. one must be self-employed or something, odd jobs, etc.
 After laundry, could get a lot done - then tomorrow drive to Golden Gate headlands, some place other than usual.. there's a lighthouse.. also need more jeans from Goodwill.. yard is looking nice, and warm/sunny days really help mood , cheer me right up..
 I have 4 weeks to do taxes, month or two for Medicare B etc, and need to get facework done..
 Article says too many eggs bad for you - 1/day/1/2 banana, hemp milk blueberries..
 I overeat when I'm stressed.. relax, meditate, work out, eat less..
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 Tue Mar 12.19 bd 11:25am
 Send naughty drawing to * who @4am said please delete, but I can't, then had 'nightmares' of a, automatic cascade of uncontrolled porn posting to her IM.. weird, panicky..
 Felt sick'ish, mentally fogged yesterday - Mon pm Buff/DJ had me in for delicious corned beef/cabbage/potatoes - felt slightly eh all night.. this morning, after smoothie/shower.. 2nd morning elimination at least 2 day's worth.. now better.. so ill'ish may have been constipation.. from change in diet, addition of brown rice, pbj snacks.. huh.. anyway, more mental clarity good for website/Medicare stuff etc..
 ~1 month left of unemployment.. sign up for April classes, but also start serious job-hunt..
 30mins+ morning clover-pulling, yard is lush front/back, I like how it looks both ways, but weeded/worked better..
 Posting Gil's 2003 comments on LN (BSC posted 2 weeks ago) - very positive response, including from nephew Richard who contacted personally with heartfelt thanks - which does my heart good.. like having Gil there talking to you..
 Wed What about driving to GG Headlands/Point Bonita lighthouse after Pshop
class?
 Uncertain of next step re Medicare - look for professional? $100. Same with taxes.. April 15 is only 4 weeks away.
 Nan visiting in ~10 days.
 --
 6:01pm yard chair
 After HTML class, bowl - carrots, blueberries, cheapest poison bananas (1/2 in smoothie-1/2 sliced on pbj), Asian combo $8 for gobs of food, noodle/beef w/veggie, hemp milk - maybe have to switch to something cheaper, almond?, sushi box ($10 - my one extravagance - but healthy I think (maybe buy raw sushi-quality at counter eat w/brown rice?), apples, carrots - munched on one - um, delicious, sweet - my body said yes!, box of tea - 16 packs ginger/green $5, used phone calculator ~.35 per drink. Cool.
 Weeded/uncovered a few more aloe plants near north wall chair - along with those in from got aloe out ears.
 Look into classes for next 'semester.'
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 Mon Mar 11.19 bed 4:26
 Pshop morning - noticed flat rear tire in parking lot, home - tire place 3mins down Shattuck, call, go down 40mins later, $12 & ~10mins - nice!
 Rice cooker plus canned cream of chicken - mmm - Buff invited me in for corned beef tonight -
 Avoidance - laying in bed - doing very little - nice - eating better, cutting back on expenses (pot/coffee/beer/starry plough/restaurants) -
 Senior center, Adult School, Medicare, health check-ups, aloe, yard work.. soon biking.. look for more free classes, music..
 Do all the things I want to do.. if I can figure out what they are..
 Don't over-use friends, don't over-rely on romance..
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 Sun Mar 10.19 hm bed 6:15
 Bed till ~noon, shower/smoothie/trim shave pubes, hi to L.. despite rain, walk downtown, 1/2 Price Books - I am my father's son, steaming brown rice now, in rice cooker - will it work?? - article about some artists paying someone to do nothing for rest of life - article says "lucky person".. I don't want people to see me enjoying doing nothing, but sounds good_ I mean, no ambition let's say_ but read, yard work, social network of friends, self-improvement (still learning to fucking chill), pay bills.. etc.. very little money going out except for rent/healthcare/food.. no beer, cannabis, gelato_2 mile walk is good, but all through business district buy! buy! buy! - maybe neighborhoods next, and bike! Look into nearby neighborhood gardens.. group hikes..
 Feel a little guilty taking advantage of free food at Sr Center - but I have to save $$!
 Be patient w/N.. have confidence.. there's no hurry.. we have time.,.
 The rice cooker didn't do shit after 45mins.. restarted..
 Are there green areas east I can walk or bike to in a mile?
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 Sat Mar 9.19 hm 1:36pm
 Making transition to 'retirement' - meaning, no more full-time job, ever - ? At least, not one with veneer of 'success', working in a nice office job, tallest bldg on west coast, intl Executive Consulting Co. Fun while it lasted - well, not fun, not all fun.. I mean, there was some prestige in it, at least if one didn't look too closely.
 Now I get used to finding ways to fill my time, to take advantage of the time, to learn and create..
 Fri after morning Mac class, lay around, some weeding, ~4 drive to south Berk Sr. Center - talk to chatty lady about Medicare - get some papers and advice,, I have time.. volunteer papers, list of free food days (2x month), day trips, tax help, etc.. it's a nice building, mostly black/brown folks. Free muffin, explore floors. Computer room. Could I teach ppt? Yes, it sinks on slowly  -I walked in wondering if people would wonder why this young 35'ish guy was wandering in.. denial! Age is just a #, etc - maybe it's good to go there, hang out, learn... about this situation...
 Bowl on way home, Asian bowl, salad, fruit, sushi.. I'm still off coffee & cannabis (now that it doesn't matter ha ha), off hamburgers & beer.. only one week - too soon to know if it's permanent.. eating meal at bowl cafe, Nan IMs didn't get Who's Afraid of VW part, I call from car, do my best to listen..
 Yard work.. movies.. 90s videos.. raining on and off today, gentle, nice.. things I like.. think about it.. brain storm..
 I see how web goes for me: usual morning stuff cartoons/politics, facebook, browsing, humor, gossip, sex/porn, more extreme hentai etc - sordid crap .. it builds form one to other.. so don't start down that path.. look into local Buddhist temple.. ask around.. do something healthier with my mind and time..
 Sleeping well still - is there a connection between not drinking coffee and not needing cannabis to sleep? Last night ~11:30-6:30.. then snooze hour or row.. as acceptance comes in, that I am past youthful things.. mornings are less stressful..
 I seem to have given up on job-hunting., but feels also like given up on competing for unrealistic jobs with the rah-rah can-do attitude.. I don't want to go route of defeatism bitterness, cynicism, nor dreaming of a woman/relationship saving me, making my life complete.. looking for middle ground.. but friends, yes friends help..
 Most of my friends all still work.. this may be a thing I no longer have in common with them..
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 Fri Mar 8.19 hm 9:30
 Normal to get/feel down if one just sits around
 Get busy, get up and out
 Walk - read, weed, organize boxes beneath bed, do something!!
 Staying busy is key, sitting around stewing in thoughts old and future fears etc is not good
 Make website - patreon - something, anything!
 Anything!
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 Thu Mar 7.19 bed 10pm after pshop video editing class
 Don't feel bad about feeling bad - people commit suicide in these situations
 Lost job of 20yrs, at 64 - suddenly facing old-age and retirement etc.-, best friend died, mother died, close friends moved away, future financial situation is grim, single.. job prospects grim.. I should be unhappy in this situation! It's okay to feel bad etc.. but don't lay it on other people, but do talk to a close friend about it.. but not too much.. everybody has their own problems..
 etc
 But health is good, savings will keep me afloat for a while,
 Transcribed KT song about Santa Cruz visit ~ 1980?
 Lost, totally lost in Davis 1981, then hung out in Davis band scene after introducing myself to Fred, and offering to shoot band photos at Design dept studio where I was shooting 3rd world students with 120 Mamiya, developing/printing at Craft Center - biking everywhere - some good times. I was generally uncomfortable around people, isolated and crazy - but there were some times better than others.. call them what they were - good times. And here I am. With good memories. Cool.
 Let myself relax - I am full of dread & fear.. try relaxing.. worry some time if that helps.. but use some of this time to organize negatives, view old video tapes, read..I have a few months to chill..
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 Thu Mar 7.19 bed 11:40am
 Smoothie, shower, 2 pieces sushi, IMs, nice 4am pic from Nu.. cheering.. grateful.. normal.. friendly..
 6hrs of classes today: HTML & photohsop video, so not much lazing guilt
 Wed phsop class in morning, then bed/web time - it was overcast gloomy rainy, so there's my excuse, better not to be in a situation that needs excuses.. it's denial.. a therapist would be handy.. small bowl of rice/fish chowder dinner.. eating lighter.. eat smaller portions of higher quality food - yes.. my body will thank me.. weeded from beds, sidewalk.. taking out the clover/oxalis..
 Not going to Nomad will help pay for Kaiser..
 After fierce procrastination, I called # for Advantage.. got news, and sales pressure... news: call Social Security -  may have Medicare #, & I have ~3 months on either side of birthday month to apply for Advantage.. it's all really fucked up, super confusing, way to expensive.. if I had an emergency today, it could bankrupt me.. depressing to contemplate.. denial/procrastination understandable, do best I can..
 So - what do I like to do? Play guitar? Record online? Read. Hike - nature. Get a good chair for reading? Chat with friends. More Vid chats - Eric?
 Putting Aloe on face several x/day - maybe just once, because otherwise will use up plants in a couple months - the juice feels better, seems more healing than lotion - lotion certainly has junk in it and should not be left on overnight, aloe sinks in - cheeks already feel less flaky, 'mole'-like growth on cheek coming off in bits.
 I tried to needle/drain bubbles on left eyelid - they got red, maybe something came out? probably not - I poked pretty firmly, so they are not simple easy pimple to 'pop'/drain. But I tried. With big distorting mirror from work. Free time - I could be watching 80s-90s videos on BJs player - not bad idea actually, I have time, and internet begins to feel like staring into space, being fed garbage.
 Took out garbage, did dishes, re-made bed, fresh clothes today - calling Kaiser reduced some anxiety I think -
 TAKE CARE OF STUFF IN A TIMELY FASHION. IT IS A WAY OF SHOWING MYSELF LOVE, AND WILL INCREASE/BUILD MY SELF ESTEEM.
 USE DRY ERASE,  WALK, LEARN WHERE BATHROOMS ARE, STRETCH, WEIGHTS, MEDITATE.
 SET REALISTIC GOALS. DO IT FOR ME. BE SELFISH. BE HAPPY.
 
I'm thinking - plan long-term - stretch current savings out to 2years+ if possible. Not spending $$ at Nomad feels good, also Starry Plough - first period after lay-off, okay, but Winter is near-past, Spring is almost here.. time for renewal. Don't talk about it all the time. I had it good, now less - no one wants to hear me whine. Not that they don't care, or don't love me - but financial troubles.. are boring.
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 Tue Mar 5.19 bed 10:44
 No coffee since Fri? Since I calculated $1.8K savings.
 Tough transition, not un-doable.. from having relatively 'lots', to counting quarters.. $50 for burger & sushi yesterday w/Eric in gville checking out flood damage - still in habit, but need to let go of that illusion.. a $10 bento box would have done fine..
 Heavy physical depression over weekend - likely from stopping coffee cold turkey (& quitting Nomad routine?) - thoughts feelings motives ungrounded - changing habits in present, and also worrying about future.. yerks..
 But felt good yesterday getting out of town to see friend.. a friend in need is a fiend indeed? Sigh...
 Being in Bay Area where things are changing, future being invented, is exciting, time/history is visible - but what avg 2800 1 bed apt rent - checked Morgantown/Charleston equiv.. $500-600... sigh...
 Weeding, back bed, aloe on face.. raining, I just want to stay in bed all day.. would that be so bad? Call Kaiser about advantage Wed afternoon..
 I am sad about getting old, and having less $$ - but I was unhappy before, pretty much always, I do not get any special attention for my unhappiness or unhappy childhood - drop it, this done not need further analysis  - unhappiness comes with life - we are all unhappy at some level - we use friends and sex as distractions.. fine.. Russian River fest gave us 'something to look forward to' - that suggests general unhappiness in meantime.. accept that as background, and do all I can to be happy.. there's no answer.. no hope.. but there can be flashes of happiness..
 Discussed summer music fests w/Eric - free Train station fest Sun in June, maybe Blues fest Sept - regular $60 tickets, if there's someone good - or even not - drive, or Uber.. everything is about cutting costs, saving $$, tightening belt - priorities, medical coverage - Medicare & Kaiser Advantage - $3K/year - deductibles etc.. sigh.. healthcare will wreck me - no one will come down to save me - just chatted w/Nan and all that came up, change of lifestyle.. gotta serious-up.. said think focusing on right things, making right decisions.. in some ways feels/is more 'real' than years of spending $$ because I could, escapism, so many bad frustrating years angry, crazy, mentally unhinged..
 Now I must survive - do best I can.. that is all any of us can do..
 ooh, but that gville sushi.. I felt good today.. so, less bread, less meat, more veggies, plug in rice cooker, beans, greens.. chop those veggies.. eat healthy, lose weight.. be a challenge.. be cool..
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 Sun Mar 3.19 bed 10:45am
 Spent most of Sat more or less curled up in ball - rainy, overcast - no Nomad - no coffee.. lots of internet/laptop
 Too much time like this, start picking on myself, judging my past harshly, and worrying about future - stay busy, keep good attitude..
 WEF too expensive - maybe drive up Sat or Sun - spend night w/in-laws? That is also sort of stressful.. hmm.. ask D80s of someone has a couch/bathroom I can use? I do like an occasional Davis visit, bike around etc.. sleep in car? On other hand, visiting Davis, getting lost in nostalgia also hurts in some ways - revisiting old wounds.. wearing rose-colored glasses.. it is escapism.. maybe okay to skip.. there's no there there...
 Bragg hotel prices ~$60 in March.
 Visit Eric Mon after pshop class, have more time to hang vs. Sun.
 Stressing about Medicare in mornings - talk to DJ/Buff - I could have done this months ago - procrastination causes stress sorrow pain.. get on shit.. do it!
 Okay - shower - stinky sweaty.. pbj
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 Fri Mar 1.19 hm bed 7L30pnm
 Stopped in on Richard Siebert at print shop after MAC class.. chat, thought about lunch but hmm
 Then home to bed.. internet.. nap..
 Starry Plough burger beer - last one? Need to lose weight -
 I LIE! I say I don' eat much meat nor processed food, but a few times / week sandwiches at Nomad and burger or coned beef at Plough, plus the beer - gotta go. Last one tonight - eat good foods regularly, make it at home.. It makes me fat & unhealthy, more likely to have a heart attack, plus I can't afford it in the medium/long-term. Acceptance. I needn't be a hippie saint - jettison that illusion,, but I can live a good healthy wholesome life.
 I don't need this web site at all  - it serves no purpose - keep domain name angrylambie.com, might be worth something someday - but dump site, and maybe close flicker & tumblr etc, start showing stuff on paid sites - Patreon - don't give it away for free.
 Also, cheaper car insurance?
 How to cut back on wifi etc expenses?
 Yes. Commit to this new lifestyle. Be responsible. Be an adult.
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 Fri Mar 1.19 nm
 Rent paid
 Medicare signed on for
 Blood test back, and plans for skin treatment
 Acceptance that this new phase of my life has begun, survival challenges,
 I clung as do we all to symbols of 'success' financial success and security - as if wearing a t-shirt that says I am successful equals security
 Car (used, 18-30yrs old), job (at prestigious company, bottom of ladder, outsourced, underpaid), roof/room (150 sq ft cottage tool shed), etc
 But I made it work - and what has really changed - lack of paycheck sucks, but what was my goal? What long-term plan? What true security?
 Upside is more sleep, more time for friends, more contact with me and my life..
 Lack of long-term security is same as before, last 5 years.. same as when I had job..
 This upcoming year (between 65-66 till Social Security) can be a good one, but it will not be at all like last 5-10-20 years - which, let's face it, were often highly stressful/unhappy/depressing..
 Things I can do: get more exercise, keep mentally active, volunteer, take classes, live frugally, do not rely on spending for entertainment, meditate, stretch, become mentally strong by facing up to reality, accept my limits and strengths... perhaps look into Buddhism etc, for good non-deity-based advice.. put my work online and look into ways to make a few extra bucks here and there.. work on family stuff.. hard, but small movement better than none, giving up..
 Nomad is good, for place, community, coffee - but expensive.. give up coffee for a year = $1k, trip to Oregon to see Sooz, or Jazz/Blues with Eric..
 Prioritize.
 Left Phsop video editing class early last night.. slow, annoying student who asks questions constantly, and teacher not well prepared.. but I am learning.. keeping up on HTML class, but not retaining much, still good to get acquainted.. I knew it was not gold standard training when I signed up.. but it has value..
 Looked into food stamps, can have as much as $2K savings.
 L looking at my blood work results - high triglycerides is a concern, over next 10yrs 11% chance of heart attack, stroke.. that seems low, but exercise good anyway, lose weight.
 Nu sent me nice getting out of bed video last night :-) grateful.
 When a person is ignored, neglected, abused, unprotected they become a sociopath.. I have advantages, white male 'educated' etc.. but still.. in my own way.. I did not become a murderer because I was not that far down.. but I treated people close to me the way I was treated, looking for revenge.. then when I was way down, post DUI, Karen Eric, Gil showed me love and support at a fundamental human level, they said I was human and worthy of love.. saved my soul, helped pull me out of a morass of self-pity, anger, addiction, and pain..  said my love had value.. making me godfather to Xo.. turned on my heart light..
 So look out the window now, count my blessings, value how far I have come, be good to my friends, we all have our problems.. even poor and 'retired' in impoverished circumstances I can support and show to love to both friends and strangers..
 Think positive.
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 Thu Feb 28.19 nm
 Rent check taped to back door - $585, still cheap
 Lots of dreaming this morning, including OPIK shower (tho not Tar Hollow), prepping to travel -
 Last blood work results in, called Fitzer's office, no need to talk or come in, Doc will send message if they need to follow up, results sent to Kaiser - *she called, suggested meds for high cholesterol - I pushed back, will discuss w/Kaiser.. but lose weight, more exercise/movement - more veggies..
 Call Kaiser - talk to DJ/Buff first
 No dinner - pbj ~10pm, need to eat soon - not depressed but mentally slow - I skip meals to stop thinking so much, as an escape - not good
 Settling into this old age/poverty thing - sucks - lost illusional markers of 'success' with 'nice office job', car, cottage.. well, still have friends, car, cottage.. office job had turned not so nice..
+++++
 Wed Feb 27.19 nm rain drizzle
 Today: Photoshop morning
 Call Fitzer's office about blood tests
 Kaiser about Medicare
 Rent
 Coordinate tax stuff
 Toss papers
 2-minute movie about Frida?
 Take care of myself, don't contact people every day - good for me, easier on friends.
 No cannabis, sleep same as ever.
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 Tue Feb 26.19 nm
 Mon after pshop laid around.. internet.. bucket of choc pudding, nap.. rest rest rest don't mind much, don't even feel isolated or desiring company.. rainy day will do that.. so far don't mind terribly not going to coast - it was enjoyable, but still mainly a way to fill time which I did - like a dog and his balls - because I could..
 Woke ~5am, short vid for Nu, deep on and off sleep.. up @9:45! rainy again, and yes - rain - but for first time thought embrace this, embrace this change.. I see "retired and loving it' here and there, and as well, notion that some company will see, interview, hire me full-time is not only highly unlikely, but of uncertain desirability - not that I don't want to work full-time, but uncertain I have physical/mental strength to work in current high-pressure, high-stress office environment, and I'm not suited suited for physical labor, ditch-digging carrying heavy boxes all day...
 Maybe late-Mid March once Medicare is settled, web site, resume online, job hunt.. also research how people like me survive old age, Medicare, living on fixed/SS income.. life will always be stressful, need to be rocked and cradled.. don't fear change to point of paralysis.. embrace this time of more sleep etc.. Stacey just posted this.. first line about always being exhausted - resting Sat, Sun is Authorities' day.. Master's Day... Lord's Day, whatever.. one feels so great liberated during vacation... returning to work so awful.. losing one's job so fearful painful..
 But still - life is short.. I may die in next 2 years - any time.. anything can happen.. I am enjoying this free time so far as physical & mental healing - good sleep, so good.. just to sleep when one needs to - is that an outrageous desire?.. my knees, thighs, limbs better.. right? Not being made to feel worthless and wrong at a job. I was good at bagel stores, I was good at Big Shot, I was good at Presentations, training, client support - never perfect - but good, and appreciated. I do good yard work, did good photos for Scott. I get to take credit for viral Frida pic - just fun, that's all - but enjoying fun, minor celebrity from both GT and Frida - is okay; they are evidence of my talent and drive. Also, I'm a good person. Avoid guilt.
 Take classes, do web site, put up resume.. put myself out there.. relax and enjoy, yes.
 
+++++
 Mon Feb 25.19 hm 4pm
 Rain
 Rough sleep.. pshop class 9-12 - moldy hungover after 2.5 beers at Plough w/burger & chat with Susan who'd I'd met there 1x before
 Groceries, burrito in bowl, not buying more CBD gummies.. reading articles about how hard to find jobs, stressful, underpaid working conditions, etc - it is not very encouraging.. not good.. not at all.. what's a 64yr old to do? Live & enjoy while I can.. just like always..
 Another day of rest.. I look at LinkedIn, all 20-somethings, encouraged to sell themselves so hard, all positions needing experience, which you probably get by interning, volunteering, working without pay.. like always... it's not nice.
 Time for Social Security, food stamps, Medicare, whatever other gov't hand-outs available.. sign..
 Big log bms.. more salad please.
 Blue cheese & jalapeño Plough burger was yummy, w/60s Canned Heat, Steppenwolf, Graham Nash & live Irish fiddlers harps etc - good stuff - life is good.
 Some time invite Tom to Plough for food/chat. Don't expect him to be willing to talk; but also don't demean myself.
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 Sun Feb 24.19 nm
 Does it help to dump negative thoughts here, bucking myself up - yes, probably, don't overthink.. keep busy and think positive is all one can do.. yes..
 Grateful or turkey club @Nomad
 Responded to Beth's email
 Let K/L know about blood results - more in, no debates (at high end of safety zone?), no syphilis..
 To me, anyone who can buy a house is wealthy, as to poor people my car makes me wealthy, we are all in perilous positions, that's life.. buying a house likely means going deep into debt - balancing equity etc.. having IRAs and stocks guarantees nothing..
 Fun IMs w/Nuria - we have a nice/supportive artistic encouraging adult understanding
 Sat rested.. that's okay - rough week sleep (because of Dermatologist/blood work tension? Doctors, hospitals = authority, chastisement, law, which sometime I need to push back on - class, health stuff, apply for Medicare - yes, all that - tiring - sleep ~11? sleep in till 9am - man, getting all this sleep is so good for my body/mind - highlights exhaustive unhealthy heartless nightmare of jobs/capitalism.. life force drained out by seductive vampire system.. adverts, fly to this resort live like you're rich for a week - I did that with Eric/music festival, well worth it - live music ecstasy, friend in a beautiful spot, comfortable cabin, TV western male bonding.,. no regrets.. people who helped me, Gil, Karen, Eric.. get all I got..
 12:20.. sun poking out.. did front yard 'weeding' - that works.. more today?  Stroll somewhere? Use my body. I feel I ought not be tired from a week with NO WORK.. but school and living is a real thing - I have less energy now mid-60s, embarrassed/ashamed to admit I am tired, when some friends - billions around world - seem to work much harder than I.. okay.. fine.. don't complain! But also lovingly protect myself. DON'T COMPLAIN!
 Truth.
 Life is good.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today.
 I'm doing the right things. School and restful break. My legs/knees much better
+++++
 Sat Feb 23.19 nm
 After morning class, blood work, laundry - home and sleep, nap ~4-6? Laptop, salad, laptop.. 1/2 CBD gummy, no effect? Another 1/2, sleep ~11:30?
 Up ~5 - laptop - sleep ~6-8, but depressed about life in general - that's okay, everyone is depressed about life in general. You got to make it through somehow, and there is no answer - sex, over, marriage is not an answer. Separate the 2. Reminding myself to live for this moment seems to help. Worrying about future does no good.
 Having extra $$ was fun, provided more ways to deal with boredom.. compared to many stressful times in my life this is not bad.. worrying about getting old or dying serves no purpose, since it is inevitable.. divorce days, also unemployed, was much worse, lat go by bank job I was devastated.. Gil's death wiped me out.. there was no upside.. with Mom's death there was upside that I was with her, reading bible to her, holding her hand.. at least I know there was a tangible thing that might have made her going easier for her , as well as for me.. yes.. for me.. yes yes ..
 As for N, focus on past hurts serves no purpose, acknowledge yes, then forgive her, forgive myself, forgive us, let go of past.. we were not ready for each other then.. either of us could back off.. all we know for sure is friendship.. focus on that, stick with that.. S stuff, music stuff.. all that's in the way..
 Yes, life is scary, children, poverty, dead spouse, etc etc.. financial stuff always an issue. Keep your sunny side up. Have friends. Do things you like.?
 What do I like? Even if it doesn't make $$, it's important to do what you like to stay mentally healthy!
 Frida montage happened same year as Scott suicide, lots of attention, job, friends, affirmation, photos in rereleases, then Gil died.. okay - that's over.. old, over.. let go.. move on.. no living for past..
+++++
 Fri Feb 22.19 laundry
 Thur pm annoying video editing in PShop class, teacher not properly prepared, one student asking question nearly every step, "Where is that, I don't see it. Oh there it is. I see it" Shut up!! Haha - I have been that student. Be kind, patient, generous. I am learning stuff, but teacher lacks focus. I've been that teacher.
 Again, Sleep ~11-5 - then on-off snooze, half hour here, there, gentle.. sad.. wept a bit after getting out of bed.. teacher shot pics of friend, older, used to sell cannabis books, but no market for them now, and he's struggling. Poked my own worries, and about life in general. It can be hard - good times, bad times.
 'Watch waterfalls of pity roar
 You feel to moan but unlike before
 You discover that you'd just be
 One more person crying'

 Sleep in, coffee/no food at nm, MAC class 10-11:30, blood work place near Kaiser appt @noon, went smoothly, barely felt the prick, and 6 vials took barely 2 minutes, small bit of urine, and results Mon. Some of current feel good is because I waited so long, months of procrastination - could have done this months ago - but feels so good to stress and wait; I am that guy. Still - lots done I think last few days. Including long, intense chat w/N including past hurt/pain.. sort of dramatic and I'm feeling off-balance now.
 This morning tearful weepiness, did not seem to be about anything in particular - N stuff? Life in general? Again? All of it - it is okay to be sad and cry - life is both sad and joyful and mixed.
 No plans today nor weekend. Start organizing taxes? Olampoli? Santa Rosa to visit Eric?
 Will I ever work again? How will I make a little extra cash?
 Suppose it is only touch: massage, hand job, admiration - relatively innocent - nice to be touched, not reciprocal, and that's all?
 Maybe don't use soap nor shampoo.
+++++
 Thu Feb 21.19 nm
 Sleep okay but waking early morning then snoozing till ~8.. general economic stress... anyone without college, without huge college debt or wealthy families, has same worries.. living in tent or car.. I, healthy white male w/family & means of sort (for now), will not be 1st in neediness list.. anyway.. well, Oregon trailer park anyone?..
 11am Medicare call/looking at 120-page PDF now  - confusing! :-O
 2pm Dermatology appt in Oakland
 Video editing BAS 6:30-9:30
 Holding grudges, letting go - difficult - conceding that I may not be 'right', etc.
 Checked with L re Syphilis etc on blood test - it is  (sent pics of paperwork -  results should be in quickly/48hrs - do it tomorrow morning after 10-11:30 MAC class. There's a San Pablo office. But call to check, make sure they're open then and drop-in is okay.
  ---
 Signed up for Medicare on phone with Wendy - scary/depressing - if you get sick you're fucked - MED pays 80%, so a big bill will break you - ~300/mo covers everything including drugs - call AARP, N Oak Sr Center for more info.
 Derma place is 20min walk, on Telegraph, nice. But drive so I am not sweaty.
 Financial insecurity, big bugaboo, all my life, our lives, and it's just like I thought. Poverty sucks :-D.
 Yes. Thank you. Be good today. Local Buddhist temple?
 -----
 I did good today - not perfect - good!
 Ate for mental energy, prepared for Medicare call, signed up for Medicare - asked good questions. Need to talk to Kaiser now about supplements.
 IM'd w/L about what to check for re blood work.
 Made appt for blood work noon tomorrow.
 Called Shirley - left message.
 Derma appt, made notes/brought up everything I wanted, listened to answers, going to have treatment for face bumps. Hydrogen peroxide on bump on cheek?
 Groceries.
 Video editing class tonight.
 Last night skimmed American Scoundrel Civil War book & wiki'd. Fun!
 I'm so anxious - takes some joy out of life. Contact Tom? Write back to Beth? Visit Lisa for meal and explore Napa?
 Mental fogginess/tight throat most over.. good.. no flu for now.
 Get a wider-brimmed hat for sun protection, and water-resistant blocker.
+++++
 Wed Feb 20.19 nm 6pm
 Pshop in morning
 Cancelled call about night-shift job I can't take
 N chat, says don't skip dermatology appt tomorrow, many subjects, etc - past hurts, hiding..
 Made phone plan unlimited/paperless
 Added HTML editor to laptop
 Liked to HTML tutorial
 Links to website builders & HTML tutorials
 Check on Google youtube for video editing class
 Still foggy-headed..
 Get blood-tested for all STIs Friday afternoon
 Emailed lady about Medicare
 Contact Oakland Senior Center & AARP about Medicare decision
 Lots of small but good steps.
 Now, less laptop, more reading.
 Yeah yeah yeah - walk away from angrylambie - it was fun - it's over, Game Theory is over, Scott is over, Frida with gun is over.. move on.. damn..
+++++
 Tue Feb 19.19 nm
 Instead of talking to myself here, maybe I should be talking to friends and to myself outside.. meditation, walking etc.. working things out internally.. force isolation issue..? not to point of harshness, self-loathing..
 People say do not marry to avoid loneliness, nor for companionship, wtf? What better reason then? Children? True love?
 Mon pm Plough for corned beef/1 pint.. hm ~8? 1/2 CBD gummy, then another 1/2 before sleep - might be helping with anxiety, might be in my mind.. not helping with sleep(?)... use year to be person I'd like to be, within reason, not a profile that does not match my needs and abilities.. but more exercise, reading, walking, outreach to friends & family.. yard work, opportunity to be outside using my hands.. stay in school regardless..
 I read SS benefit go up 8% each year, if so waiting till 66 only makes sense.. a big gamble... I can retire now, no way to know if I die from cancer in 1 or 2 years, or if I live another 20.. damn... life is full of mystery.. if I take the year between now and SS at 66, fill that year with amazing life..
 Fast-paced, heartless, high-pressure office work these days.. dunno.. watching EAs @B**n stressed, waking from home, B**n exhausting even their best performers.. high-energy super competent C**i in GFX dept passing out at his desk from sheer exhaustion.. I feel like there's no point into trying to get into that scene - why fake it? -, entry level wages, exhausting myself into poor health, mentally & physically.. since Sept my body&mind feel entirely different - not stress-free, but pain-free, able to think, kneel, squat, walk... WTF.. that sort of work stress is considered normal.. sure..
 Go through motions, if necessary tell them I am not interested in that job with long-commute/low pay/non-qualified, am interested in something closer to home - do not burn bridges (says Karen), let them know the kind of job I am interested in. Get back to them.
 Nan visiting in ~1 month.
 Is part of sore throat, foggy head from social exhaustion of UK guests and their friends?
 
Instead of this - which has value, but maybe not so much it deserves this daily energy - easy morning dump - I could be reading a book and challenging my mind. Dumps have value, but does a dump deserve 30-minutes daily examination?
+++++
 Mon Feb 18.19 nm
 Tight throat, cloudy thinking - last 2 days.. not getting worse? Hope it's not flu.. slept in, tried one of Blue's 4-1 CBD/THC gummies.. relaxing/a bit high, but rough sleep. Anti-anxiety part was okay - took 1/4 this morning as experiment - don't like 'high' part tho very mild.
 One thing at a time!
 Turned off phone apps/cleared cache to save data, need it for long N vid chats; seem to have enough for continued chats - we agree we like to see each other while talking.
 Paid phone bill.
 Karen is home, on train from CAM to KL w/Xo.
 Noticed most my Facebook = art pages - snoozed all for 30days/hid fb phone app further.
 Today contact lady about Medicare.. how to decide, who can I talk to? How to sign up online? Email and start process.
 On thing at a time.
 Otherwise, chill, eat Vit C(?), chicken noodle soup, whiskey?
 Medicare first, skin looked at this Thu afternoon. Blood work Tues morning?
 Worrying accomplishes nothing - stress & anxiety accomplish nothing, make me sick, block my thinking - wake up every morning with Yes! Thank you! Be good today! Time off work has allowed me to relax, feel human, develop deeper friendships and appreciation for friends.
 Read! It may not be exciting - better than facebook/rereading news stories/distracted by Trump's garbage. Read! Fun stuff/Bible in between.
 Sun picked up K&B at Telegraph Rose hotel, visit cottage/tell stories - Josquin, leaks, Karen's time here, earthquake - , give K elephant pin w/baby elephant for Xo, give blue a few Viagra. Drop them at poet Linda's, chat w/ Nan end of Fairview for good signal, park in front of Linda's, wait for K&B, when they come out introduce them to Nan on vid chat. No parking for Target downtown, Trader Joe's for K stuff to bring home, wine for Monique/Dominico, San Pablo lamp store closed, Good Vibrations, M&Ds for chat wine sipping. Airport trip easy - I'm mentally foggy, kinda sucks being mildly zombified, but manageable - beautiful glowing pink clouds/full moon on way out.
 Okay - just one thing to do today - 2, maybe 3,, choose books to read, de-clutter cottage, email lady about Medicare - call Shirley?
 ----
 5:18 pm home
 Took Rubin book to Moe's/Karen's albums to Amoeba - trade for each.. taking it very easy in hopes of not getting flu/cold... very mild tightness in sinuses, throat better, mind still cloudy..
 Got call from Williams Lea (went to VM), want to talk about job I applied for "before"... ~6 months ago? Huh? Not the south bay one I hope. Hope this is not a way to have me turn down a bad not-workable job then cut off my unemployment... could I take a pm job? Deal with a one hour commute? I keep getting sent jobs running GFX department! Do not have experience. I'm a grunt, a glorified typist. Should I try anyway.. could it be time? I have a bad feeling about WL.. about office pressure, being too much, fast, exhausting, quick burn-out, cruel.. still in pain about what happened at Bain... all I gave, my rep, innovations, support, being a 'legend', good trainer.. none of that saved me... in end, dept head insulted/disrespected me.. gave my special tasks to another.. yeah, saw it coming, layers of lies..
 Maybe walk to Plough - if they're open? Corned beef dinner.
 Meantime, laying around was the right call.
+++++
 Sun Feb 17.19 nm
 Sat not much, gravel for side walk, gas up, groceries - pick up K&B ~6 at OAK, straight to their hotel on Telegraph - I'm slightly out of sorts - maybe mild cold coming on? Or stress? FatApples dinner, check Spats/it's changed - no more comfy couches - The Pub on Solano, nice but, 10pm too late to start drinking.. Karen I think concerned about me driving them so much, I finally get it and say no I want to do it etc etc. But later, while talking, drive through a re delight on Dwight nr Telegraph.. shit. be careful. People die that way, asshole. Pay attention!
 Quick chat w/N while gassing car; religion., CS Lewis, Greek Orthodox, divinity of Christ, which bible we both own, etc. Touchy subject.
 Might be concentrated? But good action this morning.
 Now, do I run home for quick shower, or that can wait till later this afternoon while they lunch with Linda. Yeah, relax, and enjoy this last day with them. Nap as necessary, and call N.
 This is my life, it strikes me, seeing Marge and john - while I'm feeling old - that here I am ~65, and there's John Henry 90.. 25yrs older.. I am not near death, so I need to have another course of income, MacJob on top of Social Security, probably need to move to less expensive area, and also have things to fill the time - boredom and depression likely to affect both health and mortality. Does a life partner help? Is it a reason to Marry.
 Oh, if I get blood work done, is there time in next 2 weeks before COBRA coverage ends? Do blood test this week! Likewise skin doctor - get a look on the 23rd, but then will Medicare cover? My fault, I waited too long and did not focus. Big changes now man, focus!!
 Focus!
 Otherwise, life is good. :-)
+++++
 Sat Feb 16.19 nm
 Fri sleep in a bit, lv for Davis ~9:15, 1/2 way up downpour, to cemetery for vid for N, catch hard rain turning into hail.. downtown for cash & coffee.. bring ceramic dinner set with child and bunny on art loan.. good to see them.. move John Henry's bday pics into Marge's computer, figure out a way to move choices from one folder to another.. cool! The MAC class @BAS helped :-)
 Yummy breakfast in Dixon w/good talk, old attractive bldgs, afterward stroll, 1/2 way cross converted railroad trestle, cold'ish post-rain white winter sun morning. beautiful sunny drive home, lots of clouds, Shelley's farm flooding - make photo choices/copy to thumb drive.. got it done! They were grateful I took time, I said I'd have come to visit anyway - true - but, felt good to do them this favor, pics = nice gifts to send to friends.
 Lv ~4, rest stop ~1/2 way, call Nan, fading, need food, drive to fast food & call back. Talk ~1hr? Health, dizziness, ear candle, my skin damage, cancer, aging, we are close to same age. Good talk.
 This weekend for Karen/Blue.. pick up at airport tonight, errands/visits tomorrow.. airport in evening.
 Then blood work, re-focus on school stuff. All things remaining equal, I'll likely be living on savings for a year, keep taking classes & start job hunt web site etc. See about WIPA support - they've disappeared. It's tough out there job-wide, despite the lies. But if I do good work may help me find actual job that suits me. Talk to someone about early retirement & Medicare BCD. Dang. Likely it is less difficult that I think, lots of my current anxiety is from not knowing/uncertainty.. pre-action anxiety - once done it'll be fine..
 Lots of hard rain/hail for days, ceiling/roof holding steady, bathroom floor flooded one afternoon.
 Life is good. Bed is warm. My belly full.
 Board in Dixon for people to chalk on - Before I die I want to___.. have friends, experience life with money, learn to take good care of myself, have lovers, do art, read.. there's not much on my bucket list I have not accomplished.. now, good life, continue.. as opportunities opened, I took them.. jobs, friends, music festivals, sobriety, rock photography, rock tours..
 Do not put tons of shame on myself about financial situation, the system is set up to fuck lower classes. I am mainly working class, but my father was a public figure of sorts, hung out with politicians etc, which inflated my sense of entitlement, which gains me a crushing self-contempt because I do not have his skills. Same as Joe & Nan?
 It's nice to see how mark L and his Dad love each other.
 I feel good.. yesterday was fun, hanging out with family & friends - my outreach.. if worrying about the future is bugging me, stop worrying about it - there are things I can do, and I'm doing them, but there's no 100% answer, so don't sweat it. I'll survive somehow. Marge's friend got burned out and they moved into a trailer. Worrying about loosing what I have is taking joy out of life. Enjoy it every day while it's here.
 Fri Feb 15. Dixon. we all look happy,

+++++
 Thu Feb 14.19 nm
 raining still - hard - nice sound on roof - day 2 - rough sleep, but  nice to sleep in warm & comfy, concerns about making Medicare decision but have months, they make it sound so scary, even with it  - regardless of choice - a medical emergency could bankrupt one - no fun - lovely - so much poverty - maybe I do want to be taken in, maybe there's no choice... of course we all do, we are not all John Wayne Capitalist fantasy -
 Of course.. don't be intimidated by The Big Lie. I love comfy cottage with skylight & Buff/DJ. It's so cool and lucky. I am blessed.
 Friends who give me cars. Which I use to drive other friends around, pick up from airport. Donate to Xoxo's education - this is what good people do. I'm a good person.
 Sat in bed with face in laptop for hours, rereading same news stories,. uh.. think about death bed, what will I regret - not reading more, not walking more, not looking for more human contact, for lovers.. proverbial pleasures of flesh.. yes..
 Facebook indeed is not working for me - too much time there - it serves a purpose, &  like alcohol. a little feels good/is helpful socially., & as with alcohol, I thought if a little bit feels good, fills a hole, then more, a lot more will feel even better - will fill all holes.. then you lose.. so use fb a little, as a tool, not a crutch..
 Sit in Nomad on a rainy day reading the Bible, keeping mind active.. enjoy this free time - it may be a year work free, then retirement with part-time jobs.. dunno - but enjoy life - do not define myself as victim of lay-off which was not my fault.. don't keep talking about it, it's been 6 months.. if it comes up just say "my department was dissolved and I'm in school.." Keep it short. No one (except close friends) need details.
 HMTL 1-4, home for dinner > Video in Photoshop 6:30-9:30. It'll be fine. This is good - sleeping in is good, my body which was stiff, sore, breaking out, worn out is feeling better - taking stairs 2 at a time.
 I may look back on this if I live long enough as a good time. Now, in my heart, I know this is a good time. But feel guilty/ashamed about not being financially independent.

+++++
 Wed Feb 13.19 nm
 Raining like crazy - maybe drop by Richard press, contact Medicare lady/AARP/Buff/DJ.. things.. web site..
 Might be a lousy job, but there'll be a job - okay? Relax and chill.
 ** 2:30 back from Pshop class - raining constant since last night - fuck productivity -
 Brought tax stuff/side-of-bed paper pile/Bible, now blogging about it
 Feeling kind of good along with anxiety.. have I turned a corner?
 Divvy up pile at home, start Bible.. Richard tomorrow morning on way to school - HMTL 1-4, then Pshop video-editing 6:30-9:30 - then Fri & Mon off.
 Sat/Sun K & Blue airport trips -
 Okay.. get things done..
 ** 3:30 Hmp - went thru paper pile - still too big and disorganized - but, separated tax, from BAS modules, unemployment paperwork, addresses etc.. head home soon for further filing/organizing, move comers/screen beneath bed and general simplifying, maybe throw some shirts away that I'll never wear... set up online BoA acct for EDD card (~7K), updated Google sheets budget.. still ~99, and 89 after taxes. That's a comfort..
 Brought Bible with me. I'm over Tom taking copy I was reading from to Mom. Good.
 I'm not perfect, but I sort of like me. :-)
+++++
 Tue Feb 12.19 nm
 Right, does blog need any more to be public.. will I ever go back & read them? Couple times I've gone back looking for specific dates.. Gil read them.. for me it was a way to put myself out there fearlessly, I learned one can do that and not be hurt; I know that now. That was beneficial. It still helps to write things out, encourage myself, see where my thoughts are going.. it felt good to be part of internet "community", idea sold by advertisers and data collectors.. but now? Do I need this site at all? It costs money, and there are free online web site pages. So...
 It's a feel or form of connection, but maybe it's bullshit.. one hates to lose illusions..
 Morning work dream: At Bain, get left behind, others go to car, no shoes, what to do, I know I can't run to destination - running down halls - lobby, me shirtless, Office Head Neil C walks by across room, notes me in peripheral - I say about benefit of room "It may be one place you can be alone." Then talking to Ginger C (old GFX dept head), can't hear what she's saying.. despite other people in room, kiss her, she returns kiss wet, passionately.. I'm like what?!? Learned about job end Mid July.. so.. 7 months ago, now dream about traumatic rejection/separation.. are their talk groups for people who have been laid off? How to find peace/serenity as a capitalist worker?
 Tax stuff now, opening fb/gt tax docs to print at school..
 Medicare starts in March, best to take care of that now!
 It's cold, I'm unhappy, feel trapped/doomed.. that is life, get used to it.. there is much happiness, much to enjoy/be grateful for - everyone goes through this.. keep your sunny side up..
 For one: If I wrote only here I could include more details, but - I don't want to write just for myself, I do want an audience, attention - and why would I ever need to write stuff for myself - e.g., daily errands not necessary - and when do I ever go back and read the sexual events I wrote, or Gil's death (once I reread to get date I think)..
 Just a thought - a comfort, okay, an illusion, at least acknowledge itself as such.. get real..
 Seemed to have stopped smoking pot..
 Visit Richard at press tomorrow.
+++++
 Mon Feb 11.19 nm 1:30pm Beautiful day, iced coffee
 Now errands, mostly house stuff - realized I missed firs Phsop video editing class last Thursday.. attend this week, see how it goes, first check if it's even on!
 Savings down from 10-11 to 8K this week, unemployment card building up.. so there's that, rent, last COBRA payment - it's okay.. put my name & work out on social media/web site and look for $$-making ideas..
 Started Same Time Next Year last night, finish tonight.. made long list of things to do, start today.. moved facebook app to last phone page, and changed laptop home page to Wikipedia.. start stepping back from facebook... remove facebook phone icon, so I have to google it?
 Today's the day..
 Now's the time
 Investing more time on a friendship doesn't mean the friendship improves, or we like each other more, it means we don't use the things we don't like to avoid contact..
 ++
 Pshop class
 Gas, vacuum, organize car
 Weeded some front yard clover
 Sewed sleeves of Mexican shirt
 Taped squeegee
 Mouse trap by stove
 Finished Same Time Next Year
 Finished Jerry Rubin: Did It!
 Phoned N after scary car spin-out on ice, talk quilting/jelly roll
    Good sign, keep moving & doing
 What did Paul Lynde say: It's amazing what you can do when you have to.
 What about blogging and not making it public?
+++++
 Sun Feb 10.19 nm
 Let's say it again, every day:
 Not addicted
 No debt
 Bills paid
 Feed myself relatively healthy
 Read, drive, bathe, sew, cook
 Get to school on time, pay attention
 Good worker - legendary at Bain - helped many
 Good trainer - well-reviewed by trainees
 Supported friends through tough time
 Worked sincerely on family relationships, esp Mother & Father
 Savings
 Articulate
 Generous
 Good friends
 Artistic talent, innovative, problem solver
 Enjoy gardening
 Enjoy nature, hikes
 Healthy
 Cool living space - built my bed, clean bed clothes, pillows - a good space for comfortable rest/sleep in
 Art to please my eyes
 Honest with myself best I can
 Appreciate the value of honesty
 Appreciate the support & love of friends, and return love best I can
 Drink responsibly
 Cutting back on cannabis
 Cutting back on facebook - moved app to back of phone, changed laptop home to Wikipedia - 1 step at a time
 All the people have their problems - still, have compassion for myself: losing best friend, mother, job is tough.. I am not made of rocks
 N 3hr vidchat in car by Whole Foods as night/rain storms and falls - then Plough for Bread Pudding, which attracted attention from bar and nearby tables..
 To be friends people need to spend time together, since we live in different states the vid chats are best we have
 Goodness, I'm looking old, multiple chins bother me.. nothing I can do, so wince a bit and keep moving..
 Old age can be a struggle - most of us will face it if we live long enough.. not only $$ but health issues.. so.. prepare.. get healthy, develop good habits, positive mental exercise.. but always keep in mind, no one knows when they're time is.. no one can comprehend their own end.. but we all end.. enjoy every sandwich.. All Things Must Pass...
 Enjoy every breath, challenge and blessing...
+++++
 Sat Feb 9.19 nm
 Thu.. afternoon HMTL class, made a simple web site - drive K to see Liz bottom of Solano, Indian Rock w/Blue - beautiful Mediterranean glow - finally, great big view of entire Bay Area.. rock extra textured golden beautiful - up steep Marin just to see it, back down > Rose Garden > hah no roses in Winter.. Goth..
 Drop them at M&D's, home for quick nap, pick up Buff, Lanesplitters beer/pizza.. Richard, Dominico, daughter Julia - fun - K took fun pic end of night..
 Fri morning MAC class, pick up Gordos Burritos, then Blue & K at Monique & Dominico's -
 Richmond Bridge to GG Bridge, Headlands first - stormy hard rain the whole way - bummer - beautiful/cold/miserable - good views, big container boat goes beneath bridge - explore more/Hawk Hill battery, tunnels, videos, military remains top of hill, 2 crows.. stop below at Ft Mason, shoot Vertigo pic -
 Cross bridge - cool, Blue dug it - GGB from above, below & on.. to Wei Wei's - she strongly invites me to overnight, I need a break, a bit uncomfortable saying no - she is assertive! just her style - drive her to school to sing, then K&B to ocean, mostly dk overcast, but southern sunset big white clouds yellow glows.. sad they are going, drop them off, <1hr home rush hour,, straight to bed..
 1/4 burrito, no pot, sleep well (noted!) - if I get exercise, eat, socialize, I am worn out/need sleep -
 So yeah - I'm addicted - Richard suggested I used discipline to quit alcohol, I can use same discipline to quite facebook/internet.. I agree..
 This: live for today

+++++
 Thu Feb 7.19 nm
 Slept in till ~9? Yeah good cold morning - thinking about Dec N visit - class at 4 - general fear and anxieties about life, which is dangerous/unkind - no one ever said life was fair/nice - dog eat dog, big fish eat small fish.. many with far less than I.. etc..
 Tues Drive K to City Club.. ? Days all mixed up - HTML in afternoon - did I drive K&B home from fair & drop at Monique/Dominico - didn't go in.. groceries..
 Wed morning Phsop class - chill, contact K @ book fair, head over ~2, stay till 4, drive K home, Monique drives Blue, San Pablo Spanish Tapas - fun, good - I thought I was low-blood-sugar, but more likely dehydrated.. drank tons of water and felt better -
 K&B in town, book fair, Monique/Dom visits distracts me from situation life fears - better than burying face in laptop, staying bed, internet sex pics etc - N said this week I am living full life.. friends, art, food, fresh air - yes - Tessa quit fb for 3 days but stayed on Messenger - good idea..
 How to del with tons of free time.. how to make a little extra $$ on the side to supplement SS.
 K&B leave for LA Sun.. Fri I drive them to SF.. then deal with SS, etc..
 Extending Unemployment benefits is looking very unlikely, but look into it.
 Idea is not to find job-shaped activity to fill time left by being let go - it's to rejigger my life into fulfillment, mental and physical health - things I like to do - I keep thinking it has to be photography, photoshop, something big like the Frida - let that go, it is not so..
 To a hammer everything looks like a nail, unemployed person everything looks like a job, horny everyone looks like a lover, poor everyone looks wealthy, depressed everyone looks happy..
 Trying to Make Bad Relationships Work
 Thinking I have more in common with the person I’m dating than I actually do
 Being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness
 Staying in a relationship only out of fear of losing the person
+++++
 Tue Feb 5.19 nm
 Mon wiped out - worries me I'm so fatigued, like last year+ or so at work - always tired - is it normal work life, or is it me/me aging? Is it enough to be ready/willing to work as well as I can? I am hopeful, but realistic. Normal/okay to hope to be saved, no scenario in mind, not realistic, too much to try to put on anyone else - we are selfish, not charities, not saints. Savior/saved not a proper relationship; that's for baby Jesus.
 Anyway - wiped out - maybe hungover - depressed/despairing at laundromat, felt okay soon as stepped out into fresh cold air, sunshine, big-ass complete bright rainbow - chill in bad, ~1hr Nan vid-call, ~8 Bowl dinner, etc, food for Karen - picking her up to drive to Richmond ~11 -
 Felt good to sleep in.. Heavy rain/hale last night.. bed warm.. extra sleep v good for morale.. ~10hrs.. civilized.. yes..
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 Mon Feb 4.19 laundry 1pm
 Sat errands w/K&Blue.. pick them up ~noon? Robbie's - K stuff in basement, measure, explore, hi to Katie, acknowledge I was sort of her Uncle Robert years ago - hugs and acknowledgement/attention - play with cat, air hockey.. Mexican lunch on Solano - big burritos/aqua frescas - Pegasus (them), Peet's.. Goine's press, talk with Richard long time, Richard & I glad to see each other - visit him - brief vid-chat w/N in bathroom -
 - dark/rainy/cold/gloomy - Monique/Dominico's, a beer, I drive Monique for wine etc at University Trader Joe's,  back at home sit in car, she asks about job loss and I explain impact/steps taken.. we go in for glass of wine snacks then me home ~8?
 Sun Nomad/Bowl for sushi/sandwich for Blue/Karen - Drive them to Richmond book fair, K gives me beautiful necklace, hang on car mirror - after an hour head out, spontaneous cross Richmond Bridge, B interested in normal American town, notes lack of American flags, visit Mission San Rafael/main street, record store etc.. let Blue absorb at his pace, no conflicts, easy communication - ~3 back south, visit K at fair, bring her sandwich/phone power cord - Albany Mallard bar for Super Bowl - fun, not a good football game, but fine for his first, and also now he's seen a Super Bowl - 2.5 beers & free hot grub at bar..
 Up Solano looking for ? food - Monique & Dominico's for much talk, Richard there from press, he offers to make me a low-cost business card, wine, food, stay till ~10pm.. too much alcohol - safe to drive, no "hangover" but.. ehhh..
 Today - burned out - up 6:45am, to drive K to Richmond - but it's symposium nr campus! - drop off, home, back to bed for hours.. snooze, feel better, internet - ~noon salad -laundry -
 Lots & lots & lots of Internet.. Tessa just took a 3-day break - not from Messenger, from facebook - that could work..
 Cut Photoshop 1 class this morning, that's acceptable - alone time break - maybe Buff/DJ tonight? Car junked up - clean that, too.
 Visitors distract from day-to-day anxieties, plus fun good to see them meet Blue give receive love etc, need not be said..
 Don't feel bad about feeling bad, be okay with things not being okay
 I may get a job! So enjoy this free time.
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 Sat Feb 2.19 nm
 Fri  w/Blue Karen - morning MAC class/chat w/instructor about HTML class - says I can sit-it/observe, no need to do homework etc - she gets it. Okay.
 K need to work, ~noon drive w/Blue to Telegraph, Peet's, People's Park/mural, head shop, campus, Sproul, lower Sproul Zellerbach, Campanile is open! Elevator to top - cool! Cold wind, drizzly; Durant sushi place lunch/old-fashioned donuts (take out for Karen), Cal store, Amoeba Records.. sending pics to Karen/Vic throughout - easy going - introvert creative types..
 I am that type, too - make note - it's okay to love myself as such - nothing wrong with me that I am not high-charged bouncy extrovert good at math preferred by corporate America.
 Back to Monique's - K eats, go over her TED letter, needs more time - B&I to Berkeley Marina - man riding Zen dog statue - drink? Karen? Rainy and gloomy! Pick up Karen, come back for Drink by gloomy water view - I talk about post-job confusion a bit, fear of uncertainty. Processing - adjusting to major change. Good to talk it out. Worried about K's load.
 Down San P, stop at Ashkanez, Solano landmarks - library, laundry (where E&K decided to move to UK), Peets - Saul's for simple soup/sandwich/beer dinner - pics to Vic.
 Drop them off, tired and talked out - sleep 10:30 - up ~3-4, sleep/snooze till 9'ish. Erotic N dreams. Smoothie, shower, Nomad.
 Talked to K/B about.. good part of being unemployed - somewhere between working till burnout vs. boredom of nothing to do - working till burnout not good. Enjoy this time. Part-time work & Social Security could work. Anxieties about changes normal, and always there. New thing it quick change from being in flow, to focus at end game survival.
 Short-term fear/anxiety mixed w/general self-doubts etc.. so yeah - therapy would be nice.
 Extended unemployment unlikely.
 Medicare will happen.
 More school at Berkeley City College unlikely to happen.
 WIOA support unlikely to happen.
 Part time contract work likely.
 Social Security march 2020 likely.
 Taxes likely.
 AARP for both taxes and Social Security questions.
 May drive K to Robbie's this afternoon.
 Rained hard last night - no leaks - nice to be warm in bed rain on roof.
 Last week caught a rat in trap near oven. Today gas Suzie & new trap.
 Kitchen floor is gross - mop/sponge it.
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 Fri Feb 1.19 nm
 Thu hang in bed, ~2:30 shower, check flights, OAK airport K/Blue ~4 arrival - nice day, easy drive - quick vid chat w/N in car -
 Suggested drink, Starry Plough, cheesy pulled-pork fries & fieldworks, Americana band w/cowboy attire, friendly social atmosphere, chat w/band members w/Blue, great 1st intro to USA, pics, videos, Matt Piucci showed up, chat/intro, K invites friend over, he appears, walk Blue to dispensary, chat w/folks there, get CBD sleep-aid gummies.. down to (what're their names??) hang a few minutes, discuss coming schedule -
 Plough turned out to be fortuitous - beers, American junk food, good local beers, friends.. I had 2 beers, maybe got  bit over-active loud, but .. watch it.. it's okay
 90min MAC class this morning - discuss dropping out of HTML class w/instructor
 Wed talked to school help guy at BAS, looks like WIOA is down for count? Not at 1-stop BAS, nor downtown Oakland - he gave me name of other non-profit office might help.
 I think BAS is end of line school-wise.. EDD unlikely to extend unemployment part-time school.. Photoshop 2 next 'semester'..
 So, ~3more months of unemployment, then live in savings, and looking for job..
 Stressing about Medicare & Social Security.. get on both.. where to get support, also AARP tax help.. as a member, they may support me
 Set up call with EDD re schools..
 I'm good - I want what I have.. the shift from looking to future, to being old and waiting for end is tough and scary.. letting go of old illusions and hope.. life is hard.. Sooz says she is a fatalist.. talk to her about it..
 But - Karen is in town! Last night at Plough was memorable and lovely - met Blue - send vids/pics to Victoria.. Matt dropped by.. ends meet.. worlds collide.. in a good way, yes..
 Assume things will go well, I will survive, enjoy today, do what I want.. fulfill my dreams.. some agency will help me find job..
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 Thu Jan 31.19 nm
 Want to curl up into fetal position.. stay in bed.. not move, not change, not try anything new..
 Scared sad lost lonely..
 End of job - Sep 19-Jan 19 - 5 months - classes with same teacher - Alfred Miller - same seat mate - Yana - familiar faces - they kept isolation of no job at bay - now they're gone and aloneness hitting me - sad.. it'll pass..
 Quitting HTML class, no coding, don't need it, don't like it or have aptitude for it.. same hours Design class cancelled.. so classes 3 days/week_ okay. Use that time: Web site. Resume. CalJobs. EDD. Taxes. Job hunt. Bike walk. Meditate.
 Gahhh!! Scared.
 Vic chatting w/N working on friendship.
 Look around at women with babies who are isolated, people living isolated in tony boxes.. without a single friend.. future frightens me - but today with friends in front house - social media connections, video chats, Karen visiting today  -I go to pick them up ~4 - classes.. I'm not so isolated as all that.. having a sad/fear day is all.. I can shake myself out of it..
 Having extra days off to tidy cottage, read, focus on life is good
 I enjoy so many blessings - count them - instead of counting all the things that can go wrong.. keep a sunny side up.
 Familiar faces in Photoshop class - that will help.
 What makes me happy? Do those things and - let myself be happy.
 Tantrum of fear.
 Yet what I face is much less  - just saying . what frightens me is, my response to this situation, job loss, uncertain economic future - how will I handle much more challenging situations likely to come? Like everyone else, guess I'll just freak out and melt into the gutter. Baby Jesus is not coming to save me. Got to do best I can to save myself. That's all. If I'm doing my best - no one can say anything. Is the best I can do a job? Yes. Play this out - resume website etc.
 Ahh - so sad.. it's overcast - sunshine would help.. seeing Karen will help, meeting Blue.
 Part of unhappiness is feeling like I lost or missed something - fair enough, my employment got chopped.
 But say I woke up today is first day of life, what cards have I been dealt - aside from demographic (white male): I live in cool cottage with yard to play in & supportive well-matched friends, have ~80K in bank, a car, no credit card debt, a few good friends, a goddaughter I love, siblings (including a brother in town), health is good, Medicare coming up, Social Security available in ~1 year, I did AA, generally my mental health is good - no substance abuse nor addictions. Minor vices - sloth, porn.. but mainly under control. Having no job weighs on me - but having one tho making my life tolerable, did not make it 'okay'.
 Breath into this. Find happiness, it is laying around in the dewy grass waiting to be found and enjoyed. People with way less do it - people with way more commit suicide. It is up to me to find my happiness.
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